Funny / Archer Season Three

"Heart of Archness" arc

• Mallory has just concluded her phone call with Rip. The rest of the gang are impressed:
  Pam: What a hunk!
  Cheryl: Total sploosh.
  Lana: Actually yeah, gotta give him the sploosh.
  [Everyone looks expectantly at Ray]
  Ray: And, whatever my equivalent of sploosh is. Which I guess is just sploosh. Only with semen.
• Archer really doesn't like Rip Riley much.
  Rip Riley: This better not be a ruse.
  Archer: A ruse? Brrring brrring! "Hello?" (in a mid-Atlantic "newsreel voice") "Hi, it's the 1930's. Can we have our words and clothes and shitty airplane back?"
  Rip Riley: Let's go, kid.
  Archer: "Call you back, 1930's. And hey, watch out for that Adolf Hitler—he's a bad egg!"
  
  Archer: This is my manservant, Jerkens.
  Rip Riley: Funny stuff.
  Archer: Not now, Jerkens.
• Bucky's accent causes some humorous moments.
  Bucky: We hold election for king! (pronounced "erection")
  Archer: That's flattering, but not really necessary.
• Bilbo's No-Respect Guy status is acknowledged in the most hilarious way possible:
  Bilbo: Great. Now I've got to go deal with this, as my meat ball sub congeals into a big, fat disappointing piece of shit!
  [Beat]
  Drone: No-one's gonna touch that?
• When Ray and Lana are on a rented boat going to rescue Archer, Gillete is getting a manicure from a man-servant.
  Ray: Look at him! He is lithe. You know they asked if I wanted to buy him outright. But then I thought...
  Lana: You thought what, Ray? You thought that maybe because of my racial background I might just have an issue with someone owning another human being?
  Gillete: Actually, I just thought I'd probably get bored with him.
  • The fact that Ray takes insane advantage of the American Express Black Platinum card Mallory gives them to save Archer as fast as possible.
• Archer's tenure as "pirate king" after he kills the original captain. It doesnt go very well, as he doesnt seem to understand the basics of piracy. At one point, he makes the crew release a fishing vessel because "they're small business owners". He does start up an island lacrosse league which the pirates keep going even after Archer is deposed, so they apparently like it.
• After they finally escape the island, Noah gets sick of the Belligerent Sexual Tension between Archer and Lana. Even the pirate Bucky can see it.
  Noah: Oh my GOD, just SCREW ALREADY!!
  Bucky: Seriously!

"The Man From Jupiter"

• Just the fact that Burt Reynolds is exactly like the Crazy Is Cool characters he plays in movies.
• Lana trolling Archer about the fact that Burt Reynolds is dating his mom.
  Lana: Bullying Cyril isn't gonna make Burt Reynolds stop shtupping your mom.
  Archer: He's not doing that!
  Lana: But even if he is (which he is)...
  Archer: NO HE ISN'T!
• Archer is enthralled by Burt Reynolds' driving:
  Archer: I'm sorry, I can't hear you over the sound of my massive, throbbing erection!
  [Burt slams on the brakes, causing Archer to hit his face on the dashboard]
  Burt: How about now?
  Archer: It's gone. I'm all ears.
• While be Krieger, Ray, Cyril, and Lana are being shot at by two vans full of Cuban hit squad, Krieger is more concerned with his van
  Krieger: (borderline sobbing) Oh-h-hh my God, not the van!
• When Archer and Burt Reynolds get to Archer's car (a 1970 Dodge Challenger)
  Burt Reynolds: I didn't know they sold those to men.
• When Burt Reynolds sees Krieger's virtual girlfriend, his deadpan delivery on "Is that a ghost?"

"El Contador"

• A naked Cheryl, and near naked Ray rolling into Malory's office, after a really bad experience with a urine test cheating drug.
  Cheryl: (with uncharacteristic calm) That’s our pee, and that's the last I better hear about it, because this stupid building is a tinderbox, and I will burn it to the ground.
• The aforementioned drug trip has to be seen to be believed. Rampaging naked people, hallucinating Decepticons, and copious amounts of tranquilizer darts are involved.
• Archer making fun of Cyril's ridiculously outdated outfit.
  Archer: Thanks, Ghost of Teddy Roosevelt!
  Cyril: What, Mrs. Archer said "dress for the tropics"...
• Neither Cyril nor Archer knows what the military term "click" stands for (slang for kilometer).
• Cyril's biggest complaint about Calsado.
  Cyril: Calsado is on a darn three-wheeler, can you believe that?!
  Lana: Really, the drug kingpin who hunts humans for sport?
  Cyril: I know, but that's just LAME!
• Archer is trekking through the jungle, cursing it out and calling for it to "eat a bag of jungley dicks". He comes across a bottle of scotch on a log and takes back what he said and starts praising the "jungle goddess". The scotch turns out to be a trap and he's caught in a snare.
  "Jungle goddess, you are a whore."
• Archer thinks Predator is real.
  "He has a telltale shimmer."

"The Limited"

• A bit of a Stealth Pun - Kenny's frequent comments about calling his "boys" to come bust him out from the train don't seem all that noteworthy until you realize that his character and the boys are voiced by Robb Wells, Mike Smith, and John Paul Tremblay, respectively.
  • While in custody of ISIS, Kenny keeps yelling "extraordinary rendition" (goverment-sponsored abduction, usually done to fugitives hiding in other countries), much to Lana's annoyance.
  Lana: First of all, no it's not, and second, nobody cares!
• Cheryl discussing her family:
  Cheryl: My great-grandpa was nuts for skating. That, and the Klan.
• Archer produces a hand grenade:
  Lana: "please tell me that is just a smoke grenade."
  Archer: "Okay... *pulls pin and tosses* It's not, though."
• Archer being happy with Babou.
  "BABOU, SERPENTINE!"
  
  "He remembers me!"
• When Babou accidentally runs through the Mexican standoff between the mounties and the fake mounties.
  Mountie: Look out, unvaccinated animal!
  Fake Mountie: He's crepuscular, get him boys!!
  Archer: NOOOO!!!
• At the end, Archer is sitting in a squad car, being told he was in violation of (amongst others) a law against importing exotic animals:
  Archer: You hear that? He called you exotic.
  Babou: [growls]
  Archer: Which is just people talk for awesome, which is what you are, which is why I was happy to save your life, buddy!
  Babou: [growls]
  Archer: No, don’t worry, just thousands of dollars in fines, maybe some jail time. Hopefully just probation.
  Babou: (sprays urine all over the police car and Archer)
  Archer: (strained) Totally worth it!
  Babou: [growls quizzically]
  Archer: No, Babou. That was all sarcasm
  Babou: (downcast) [growls quizzically]
  Archer: YES! ALL OF IT! YOU FOX-EARED ASSHOLE!

"Drift Problem"

• While Krieger is giving Archer the tour of the car's features:
  Krieger: ...press that red button...
  Archer: I... wait, is that going to kill everybody?
  Krieger: [beat] ...press that blue button...
• Archer shrieking with joy when he sees his new car comes with a bar.
• Cheryl getting one over Malory.
  Malory: Who taught you to drive?
  Cheryl: Just this guy I know called my dead father!
  [Malory starts stammering]
  Cheryl: [smirking] Yeah, I'll bet you feel like a dick.
• Malory slaps Cheryl to get her to tell her where Archer is:
  Cheryl: Ow!...you got another one in ya?

"Lo Scandalo"

• Definitely this exchange between Archer and Malory when he examines the chair that Mascalzoni's tied to:
  Archer: And, uh, speaking of questions. (kneels down to examine the chair)
  Malory: No, no, no! Don't! Don't go back there, Sterling-!
  Archer: I HAVE A QUESTION, MOTHER. Why does this chair have no seat?! (kneels back down again) And what- (kneels down just to reaffirm he indeed saw what he did) - IS IN HIS 'ASS?!'
  (Malory sighs and downs her glass while Lana looks at her with a Fascinating Eyebrow)
  • And when they cut back from the theme-song, the conversation continues:
    Archer: Mother! What is in this man's ass?!
    Malory (rather nonchalant): Oh please, don't act like you've never seen a "marital aid" before.
    Archer: Not in a dead prime minister's ass!
    Malory: And you don't have to keep repeating it! We've established where it is!
    • Krieger later finds it and asks "Can I keep it?" while dismembering Mascalzoni.
  • Another one, when Malory talks about how, as he got older, Savio's tastes started getting more "exotic," and he started very gradually introducing his perversions into his and Malory's rendezvous.
    Archer (still fixated on the dildo): Well, he'd have to. I mean, the thing's huge.
    Lana starts slapping Archer's forearms to get him to shut up.
    Archer: Ow! Ow! Okay, I- OKAY! God, your hands are like cricket bats!
    Lana: Shut up. So, Malory, what happened? Can you walk us through the crime?
    Archer: Just the crime of murder, not the crime of sodomy by rubber eggplant. (Lana slaps him again)
• Archer being very blunt about how the Prime Minister of Italy died.
  Lana: Especially given the circumstances leading up to his death, which were...
  Archer: Dildo-y.
  Lana: Unseemly.
  Archer: Eh. Potato, po-dildo.
• Malory's conversation with her building's super:
  Mr. Herlihy: It's just at Christmas, the tenants usually give me a small consideration for the work all year I do keeping up the building. We surely count on it ma'am, especially this year as we've had more than the usual medical bills.
  Malory: Your point being?
  Mr. Herlihy: It's just that, for the third year running, you give me a potato.
  Malory: Oh dear, so once again you're faced with the classic Irishman's dilemma: do I eat the potato now or let it ferment so I can drink it later?
  [Slams the door in his face]
  Herlihy's Son: Can I get the operation now, dad?
  Mr. Herlihy: No, son. (A Beat; he wipes away a tear with the potato) You're gonna die.
• The "eeeeee-legant dinner pah-ty" scene. Especially Cheryl, seeing as she actually is rich. Plus, Cyril's aside to the others once the detective's out of the room.
  Cyril: I hate you all so much.
  Ray: (in a posh English accent) No-one cares, Figgis; you were only invited to round out the numbers.
  • Lana ends up having to play the maid (using Malory's French Maid Outfit, which she keeps for "special occasions").
    Detective: We got a tip that there'd been a murder up here.
    Archer: Good heavens! A murder? Well, apart from this sullen wench murdering good etiquette, I— Ow!
    (Lana nerve-pinches him)
    Archer: —find the...very...suggestion...laughable...
• The episode's Running Gag about whether or not Italy uses a king instead of a Prime Minister. For reference, the last time Italy had a king was Umberto II in 1946, so even after taking into account the show's intentionally inconsistent time period, Archer would still be dead wrong.
  Malory: No...what year do you think this is?
  Archer: I know, right?

"Bloody Ferlin"

• Archer complaining about the lack of cell reception in Ray's hometown.
  Archer: Are there just no towers here, or have we literally gone back in time?!
  Ray: *camera pans out to show the squalor of the countryside* Both...
• When Archer tells Cheryl they've taken her on a trip.
  Cheryl: *looks outside* To where, Six Flags Over the Shittier Parts of Chernobyl?
• Archer tries to tell Cheryl that she will be posing as Ray's wife. However, she misunderstands, and genuinely believes that she and Ray got married. Ray tries to correct her, but Archer shushes him, since it would be much, much simpler to have her believe that, than to have to explain the ruse to her.
• "Jeez, what's my dowry, Tetanus?!"
• Pam hiding in the bathroom stall.
  [Pam eavesdrops]
  Lana: God damn it.
  Pam: What? You should have looked under the stalls!
  Lana: I did! Wait- I did.
  Pam: Yeah, I usually rest my legs on the grab bars.
  Malory: [bursting in] WHY is it... that every time I need to use the restroom, you people are skulking around looking guilty?
  Pam: Uhhhh... [Ducks down in the stall where there is a mural of spray paint]
  Malory: ...And why does it always reek of paint?!

• Cheryl takes being Ray's beard a little too seriously.
  Cheryl: (seductively to Ray) We're not married until it's consummated.
  Archer: I'll drive if you want to hop back there and enter her.
• Archer, suddenly eager upon seeing Randy's hot wife, who offers them some "nice, hot pie".
  Archer: It would be rude not to eat her pie, which I assume is not only hot, but also moist. But hopefully not flakey..
• Cheryl trying to kill and prepare a chicken:
  Cheryl: So is there like, special chicken shaving cream or...
  Ray: First of all, that is a rooster!
  Cheryl: Yeah, like Kenny Rogers Roosters.
  Ray: ROASTERS!
• Randy finding Archer about to screw his wife and holding them at gunpoint while explaining that their marriage is open.
  Randy: ARE YOU TRYIN' TO HAVE SEX WITH MY WIFE?!
  [Archer stammers out an excuse]
  Randy: BECAUSE I WOULD BE AMENABLE TO THAT!
  Beat
  Randy: Ya look a little nonplussed, friend!
  Archer: Sorry, I wasn't sure if you knew what "amenable" meant, until you followed it up with "nonplussed."
• Randy claims that wife-swapping is in the Bible, which Archer brings up to Ray (a former minister, remember?)
  Ray: IT MOST CERTAINLY IS NOT!!
  Archer: It did seem too cool for the Bible...
• Archer goes overboard with Randy's moonshine and experiences the effects of overdrinking for the first time in his life. Yes, he's had blackouts and hangovers before, but never the experience of drinking until you feel sick instead of intoxicated.
• At the end, Ray gets the phone number of the local sheriff who's apparently Straight Gay.
  Archer: Great, everybody gets laid except me. [glances at a nearby hen] And you, I guess. Since we ate your husband... Dan Lather.
• Randy had assumed Ray wasn't married... because as an "interior decorator" he must be drowning in women.
• Ray rejects Lana's offer to be his beard for the visit to West Virginia.
  Lana: Oh, all right. I'll be your beard.
  Ray: What are you, insane?! 'Hey y'all; here's my great big ol' black wife!'?
  [Lana scoffs]
  Archer: Lana, come on. You're...gigantic.

"Crossing Over"

• Archer's personal prayer to Bloody Mary.
  Archer: No, forget the glass Woodhouse, just give me the pitcher. [grabs the pitcher] For I am a sinner in the hands of an angry god. Bloody Mary, full of vodka, blessed are you among cocktails. Pray for me now, and at the hour of my death, which I hope is soon. Amen. [drinks pitcher of Bloody Mary]
  Woodhouse: Perhaps some dry toast, sir?
  Archer: Yeah, or you could just skip a step and feed me some vomit.
• Pam explains how she is so good at sex.
  Archer: How did you get so good at that?
  Pam: Well I grew up on a farm.
  Archer: I hope to god that's not relevant.
• When Barry shows up at ISIS HQ during the lockdown, you can see that someone gang-tagged the metal exterior with spray paint. And then you realize it says "Pam."
• Nikolai laughing at a Marmaduke cartoon hanging on the hideouts fridge.
  Nikolai: Hah, that is big dog!

"Skin Game"

• Krieger shows Archer his apartment. Archer, on seeing what's inside, puts Krieger in a chokehold and puts his gun to Krieger's head. Then the camera cuts to a test dummy in what Krieger claims is a flesh-coloured neoprene dive suit, hanging from the ceiling.
  Archer: Why is it skin coloured?
  Krieger: Well, not if you're black.
  Archer: And what is it with serial killers and suits made of human skin?
  Krieger: I'm not a...serial killer.
  Archer: Wait, why did you emphasize the 'serial'?
  • This other exchange shortly afterwards:
    [Archer is hugging Cyborg!Katya before noticing Krieger]
    Archer: Krieger! Why do you have an erection right now?
    Krieger: [wiping a tear from his eye] I'm so happy.
  • One of the other projects in Krieger's home lab is an elaborate drum set designed for RUSH songs.
    Archer: Great, now you can finally play "YYZ".
    Krieger: Oh shut up, it's the wrong button.... and no I can't, it's impossible!
  • The horrendous state of the shared bathroom on Krieger's apartment floor.
    Krieger: It's a shared bath!
    Archer: I was going to say literal shithole!
• While trying to find Barry in the dark office, Archer assaults someone he thinks is him, only to turn on his night-vision and discover that he just beat the crap out of Brett.
  Archer: Brett?! I thought you were dead!
  Brett: No, just hurt really really bad... Though not nearly as badly as I am now...

"Space Race" arc

• Archer has been locked in the brig. After protesting a bit, he sits down with a baseball glove and ball, and tries to do some Brig Ball Bouncing. Since they're in zero gravity, the ball doesn't bounce immediately back, but instead starts drifting slowly back towards him.
  Archer: [sighs] Fuck you, space.
• Cheryl proclaiming herself Queen of Mars while dressed in tubing from the space shuttle.
• Archer immediately chastises Cyril for killing Commander Kellogg, but not because he was the only one who could've flown the space shuttle that can take them back to Earth.
  Archer: You killed a black astronaut! That's like killing a unicorn!
• Barry trying to taunt Archer into coming out of the sealed spaceship to fight him in a power-loader, even going so far as to start doing a robo-dance in said power-loader.
  "Domo arigato Archer roboto!"
• The following exchange when Barry shows up on the space station:
  Lana: Where are you going?
  Archer: Uh, this place called "to kill Barry!"
• And Archer desperately trying to keep his composure as Barry taunts him:
  Barry: Hey, I understand. I mean, if you're having a legitimate problem with your vagina that you have between your legs in lieu of a penis, that's okay and you need to deal with that.
  Archer: (later, after Cyril disintegrates Barry's rocket in the process of returning to Earth) Ha! NOW who's got a vagina problem?!
  Pam: ... me.
• "What, are you trying to get my mother into the Million-Mile-High Club?"
  • Later, Archer and Pam join said club themselves.
  • While Drake shutting off Archer's oxygen supply is a clear sign of his insanity, the fact that Archer's suffocation and his attempts to knock his helmet open make it sound like beatboxing is darkly hilarious, especially since H. Jon Benjamin sounds like he's mixing up some rhythm in the scene.

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