History Funny / ArcherSeasonThree

** This was a quick one, but when Barry shows up at ISIS HQ, during the lockdown you can see that someone gang-tagged the metal exterior with spray paint. And then you realize it says ''"Pam."''

--> '''Archer:''' No, forget the glass Woodhouse, just give me the pitcher. For I am a sinner in the hands of an angry god. Bloody Mary, full of vodka, blessed are you among cocktails. Pray for me now, and at the hour of my death, which I hope is soon. Amen. ''[drinks pitcher of Bloody Mary]''\\

* "Are you trying to get my mother into the Million-MileHighClub?"

* "You killed a black astronaut! That's like killing a '''unicorn!'''"
* Barry trying to taunt Archer into coming out of the sealed spaceship to fight him in a power-loader, even going so far as to start doing a robo-dance in said power-loader.
* "Domo arigato Archer roboto!"

** Later, he and Pam [[ZeroGSpot join said club themselves]].

* Pam hiding in the bathroom stall.
--> ''[Pam eavesdrops]''\\
'''Lana:''' God ''damn'' it.\\
'''Pam:''' What? You should have looked under the stalls!\\
'''Lana:''' I did! Wait- I ''did''.\\
'''Pam:''' Yeah, I usually rest my legs on the grab bars.\\
'''Malory:''' ''[bursting in]'' WHY is it... that every time I need to use the restroom, you people are skulking around looking ''guilty?''\\
'''Pam:''' Uhhhh... ''[Ducks down in the stall where there is a mural of spray paint]''\\
'''Malory:''' ...And why does it always reek of ''paint?!''

--> '''Lana:''' "[=OhmyGod=], tell me that is just a smoke grenade!"

'''Fake Mountie''': [[DisproportionateRetribution He's corpuscular, get him boys!!]]\\

* Archer ''really'' doesnt like Rip Riley much.
--> '''Archer''': Hello, [[Film/SkyCaptainAndTheWorldOfTomorrow Sky Captain?]] It's the 1930's, can we have our clothes and language and shitty airplane back?\\\

* Just the fact that Burt Reynolds is ''exactly'' like the CrazyAwesome characters he plays in movies.

* Pam explains how she is so good at sex.

'''Pam:''' Well I grew up on a farm.\\

* Archer's personal prayer to Bloody Mary.
--> "No, forget the glass Woodhouse, just give me the pitcher. For I am a sinner in the hands of an angry god. Bloody Mary, full of vodka, blessed are you among cocktails. Pray for me now, and at the hour of my death, which I hope is soon. Amen." ''[drinks pitcher of Bloody Mary]''
--> '''Woodhouse''': Perhaps some dry toast, sir?
--> '''Archer''': Yeah, or you could just skip a step and feed me some vomit.

-->'''Archer:''' How did you get so good at that?\\

--> ''*Pam eavesdrops*''
--> '''Lana:''' God ''damn'' it.
--> '''Pam:''' What? You should have looked under the stalls!
--> '''Lana:''' I did! Wait- I ''did''.
--> '''Pam:''' Yeah, I usually rest my legs on the grab bars.
--> '''Malory:''' ''*bursting in*'' WHY is it... that every time I need to use the restroom, you people are skulking around looking ''guilty?''
--> '''Pam:''' Uhhhh... ''*Ducks down in the stall where there is a mural of spray paint*''
--> '''Malory:''' ...And why does it always reek of ''paint?!''

--> '''Nikolai''': Hah, that is big dog!

'''Bucky:''' Seriously!

--> '''Randy:''' ''ARE YOU TRYIN' TO HAVE '''SEX''' WITH MY '''WIFE?!'''\\

--> '''Ray''': IT MOST CERTAINLY IS NOT!!
--> '''Archer''': It did seem too cool for the Bible...

* At the end, Ray gets the phonenumber of the local scheriff who's apparently StraightGay.
--> '''Archer''': Great, everybody gets laid except me *glances at a nearby hen* And you, I guess. Since we ate your husband... Dan Lather.
* Randy had assumed Ray wasnt married... because as an "interior decorator" he must be drowning in women.

*
-->'''Archer:''' How did you get so good at that?
-->'''Pam:''' Well I grew up on a farm.
-->'''Archer:''' I hope to god that's not relevant.

-->'''Krieger''': "I'm not a...''serial'' killer."
--> '''Archer''': "Wait, why did you emphasize the 'serial'?"

---> Archer is hugging Cyborg!Katya before noticing Krieger.
--->'''Archer:''' Krieger! Why do you have an erection right now?
--->'''Krieger:''' (''wiping a tear from his eye'') I'm so happy.

--> '''Archer''': Great, now you can finally play "YYZ"
--> '''Krieger''': Oh shut up, it's the wrong button.... and no I can't, it's impossible!

--> '''Krieger''': It's a shared bath!
--> '''Archer''': I was going to say literal shithole!

'''Archer:''' It's gone. I'm all ears.\\

--> '''Mountie''': Look out, unvaccinated animal!
--> '''Fake Mountie''': [[DisproportionateRetribution He's corpuscular, get him boys!!]]
--> '''Archer''': [[BigNo NOOOO!!!]]

--> '''Archer''': You hear that? He called you ''exotic''.
--> '''Babou''': [growls]
--> '''Archer''': Which is just people talk for awesome, which is what you are, which is why I was happy to save your life, buddy!
--> '''Babou''': [growls]
--> '''Archer''': No, don’t worry, just thousands of dollars in fines, maybe some jail time. Hopefully just probation.
--> '''Babou''': (sprays urine all over the police car and Archer)
--> '''Archer''': '''(strained)''' Totally worth it!
--> '''Babou''': [growls quizzically]
--> '''Archer''': No, Babou. That was all sarcasm
--> '''Babou''': '''(downcast)''' [growls quizzically]
--> '''Archer''': YES! ALL OF IT! YOU FOX-EARED ASSHOLE!

* Archer shrieking with joy when he sees his new car comes with a bar.

* While Krieger is giving Archer the tour of the car's features:
--> '''Krieger:''' ...press that red button...\\
'''Archer:''' I... wait, is that going to kill everybody?\\
'''Krieger:''' ''[beat]'' ...press that ''blue'' button...

*
-->'''Lana''': Especially given the circumstances leading up to his death, which were...
-->'''Archer''': Dildo-y.
-->'''Lana''': ''Unseemly''.
-->'''Archer''': Eh. Potato, po-dildo.
* Malory's conversation with her building's super:
--> '''Mr. Herlihy:''' It's just at Christmas, the tenants usually give me a small consideration for the work all year I do keeping up the building. We surely count on it ma'am, especially this year as we've had more than the usual medical bills.
--> '''Malory:''' Your point being?
--> '''Mr. Herlihy:''' It's just that, for the third year running, you give me a potato.
--> '''Malory:''' Oh dear, so once again you're faced with the classic Irishman's dilemma: do I eat the potato now [[{{Oireland}} or let it ferment so I can drink it later]]?
--> (She slams the door in his face)
--> '''Herlihy's Son:''' Can I get the operation now, dad?
--> '''Mr. Herlihy:''' No, son. (''A {{beat}}; he wipes away a tear with the potato'') You're gonna die.
* The "eeeeee-legant dinner pah-ty" scene. Especially Cheryl, seeing as she actually ''is'' rich. Plus, Cyril's aside to the others once the detective's out of the room.
-->'''Cyril:''' I hate you all ''so much.''
-->'''Ray:''' (in a posh English accent) No-one cares, Figgis; you were only invited to round out the numbers.
** Lana ends up having to play ''the maid'' (using Malory's FrenchMaidOutfit, which she keeps for "special occasions").
--->'''Detective:''' We got a tip that there'd been a murder up here.\\
'''Archer:''' Good ''heavens''! A ''murder''? Well, apart from this sullen wench ''murdering'' good etiquette, I-- Ow!\\
''(Lana nerve-pinches him)''\\
'''Archer:''' --find the...very...suggestion...laughable...

-->'''Malory:''' No...what year do you think this is?
-->'''Archer:''' [[LampshadeHanging I know, right]]?

-->'''Cheryl:''' (seductively to Ray) We're not married until it's consummated.
-->'''Archer:''' I'll drive if you want to hop back there and enter her.

-->'''Randy:''' ''ARE YOU TRYIN' TO HAVE '''SEX''' WITH MY '''WIFE?!''' (Archer stammers out an excuse) ''BECAUSE I WOULD BE AMENABLE TO THAT!'' ''{{Beat}}'' Ya look a little nonplussed, friend!
-->'''Archer:''' Sorry, I wasn't sure if you knew what "amenable" meant, until you followed it up with "nonplussed."

--> '''Archer''': Hello, [[Film/SkyCaptainAndTheWorldOfTomorrow Sky Captain?]] It's the 1930's, can we have our clothes and language and shitty airplane back?
*
-->'''Bucky''': We hold election for king! ([[JapaneseRanguage pronounced "erection"]])
-->'''Archer''': That's flattering, but not really necessary.
*
-->'''Archer:''' This is my manservant, Jerkens.
-->'''Rip Riley:''' Funny stuff.
-->'''Archer:''' Not now, Jerkens.

-->'''Bilbo:''' Great. Now I've got to go deal with this, as my meat ball sub congeals into a big, fat disappointing piece of '''shit'''!
-->(''Beat'')
-->'''Drone:''' No-one's gonna touch that?
* When Gillete and Lana are on a rented boat going to rescue Archer, Gillete is getting a manicure from a man-servant.
-->'''Gillete:''' Look at him! He is lithe. You know they asked if I wanted to buy him outright. But then I thought ... \\
'''Lana:''' You thought what, Ray? You thought that maybe because of my racial background I might just have an issue with someone owning another human being? \\

--> '''Noah''': Oh my GOD, just SCREW ALREADY!!
--> '''Bucky''': Seriously!

--> '''Lana''': Bullying Cyril isn't gonna make Burt Reynolds stop shtupping your mom.\\
'''Archer''': He's not doing that!\\
'''Lana''': But even if he is (which he is)...\\
'''Archer''': NO HE ISN'T!

-->'''Archer''': I'm sorry, I can't hear you over the sound of my massive, throbbing erection!
-->'''Burt''' ''[slams on the brakes, causing Archer to hit his face on the dashboard]'': How about now?
-->'''Archer''': It's gone. I'm all ears.

--> '''Krieger''': (borderline sobbing) Oh-h-hh my God, not the van!

--> '''Burt Reynolds''': I didn't know they sold those to men.

* A naked Cheryl, and near naked Gillete rolling into Malory's office, after a ''really'' bad experience with a urine test cheating drug.
-->'''Cheryl:''' [[TranquilFury (with uncharacteristic calm)]] That’s our pee, and that's the last I better hear about it, because this stupid building is a tinderbox, and I will '''burn it to the ground.'''

--> '''Archer''': Thanks, Ghost of UsefulNotes/TeddyRoosevelt!
--> '''Cyril''': What, Mrs. Archer said "dress for the tropics"...

--> '''Cyril''': Calsado is on a darn ''three-wheeler'', can you believe that?!
--> '''Lana''': Really, the drug kingpin who hunts humans for sport?
--> '''Cyril''': I know, but that's just LAME!

-->Jungle goddess, you are a whore.

--> '''Lana''': First of all, ''no it's not'', and second, nobody cares!

* "'''BABOU, SERPENTINE!'''"
** "''He remembers me!''"

*
-->'''Malory:''' Who taught you to drive?
-->'''Cheryl:''' Just this guy I know called ''my dead father!''
-->(Malory starts stammering)
-->'''Cheryl:''' *smirking* Yeah, I'll bet you feel like a dick.

-->'''Cheryl:''' Ow!...you got another one in ya?

-->'''Krieger''': ...press that red button...
-->'''Archer''': I... wait, is that going to kill everybody?
-->'''Krieger''': ''[beat]'' ...press that ''blue'' button...