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The good news is we don't have to worry about these alligators. That's not actually good news, is it?

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Season 1

    Pilot/"Mole Hunt" 
  • The opening scene.
    KGB Interrogator (Krenshaw): Sterling Archer. Codename: Duchess. Known from Berlin to Bangkok as the world's most dangerous spy. So for us, this is, how you say, a good get. But not so good for you, Mr. Archer, because you have information that I want. And this may be old cliché, but We Have Ways of Making You Talk.
    Archer: What, your little go-kart battery?
    Krenshaw: Golf cart.
    Krenshaw: Listen here, you little...
    Malory: (off-screen) Son of a bitch!
    Krenshaw: Now you did it.
    Malory: What is the point of these simulations...
    Archer: Krenshaw's arousal.
    Malory: ...if you don't take them seriously?
    Archer: How can I? Between his lame accent and the go-kart battery...
    Krenshaw: Golf cart.
    Archer: Shut up. And speaking of lame, my codename
    Malory: ...was chosen at random by the ISIS computer.
    Archer: Random? It was your dog's name.
    Malory: Oh, Duchess. (holds up John and Yoko-style photo of her and an Afghan dog, sentimental piano music starts playing) I loved her so much.
    Archer: That it was creepy and pathetic.
    Malory: And if you were half as smart as she was...
    Archer: She wasn't too smart to die from eating chocolate, was she?
    Malory: (gasps) Exercise terminated!
    Archer: All right, that's lunch then.
    Malory: Agent performance: unsatisfactory.
    Archer: Oh come on! At worst that was needs improvement.
    Krenshaw: Jesus, Archer. You think this is a game?
    Archer: No, I think Jenga's a game.
    Krenshaw: What if I'd been real KGB?
    Archer: I assumed you'd be trying to suck a promotion out of some Russian guy's cock.
    Krenshaw: Well maybe I never get promoted...
    Archer: And never will.
    Krenshaw: ...because my mommy's not the boss.
    Archer: And maybe you just got your face kicked off! [kicks leg upwards, foot is several inches from Krenshaw's face] That is my foot in your face. Smell the embaressm... [gets shocked by Krenshaw, falls to the ground] Mother! Did you see that?! Mother?! Mother!
    [Malory watches from behind two-way glass, smiles]
  • Archer after finding a dog in his apartment.
    Archer: The two things we don't allow in here. What are they?
    Woodhouse: Dogs and your mother.
    Archer: That's a very short list, isn't it?
    Woodhouse: Yes, but you were quite insistent an exception be made.
    Archer: I'm always insistent, Woodhouse.
    Woodhouse: Yes, sir.
    Archer: But I'm not to be trusted, am I?
    Woodhouse: No, sir. But...
    Archer: Stop. Shut up. I have to go, but if I find one single dog hair when I get back I'll rub sand in your dead little eyes.
    Woodhouse: Very good, sir.
    Archer: I also need you to go buy sand.
    Woodhouse: Yes, sir.
    Archer: I don't know if they grade it but... coarse.
  • Archer tries to get access to the mainframe, but needs authorisation from a section head.
    • He tries Pam first.
      Pam: [talking to Krieger using her dolphin puppet] The employee break-room fridge is a bond of trust. When you violate that trust, or... the food...
      Archer: There's my favourite section head!
      Pam: I am dealing with the break-room problem!
      Archer: Oh good, you caught the, uh, I had something for this. The, uh, Pita Predator.
      Pam: Know what?
      Archer: Let's just call it what it is: food rapist.
      Pam: (to Krieger) Not a pretty name, is it?
      Archer: But if you want some food that's supposed to be cream filled, I offer these delicious donuts... in exchange for a favour.
      Pam: A favour? After how you treated me?!
      [flashback to Archer hitting Pam with her dolphin puppet, Lana trying to restrain him]
      Archer: Well fuck your dolphin, Pam!
      Lana: Archer, she's tapping out.
      Archer: Fuck your fucking dolphin!
      Lana: I think she peed.
      Archer: ...and fuck you!
      [back in present]
      Pam: I had to get three stitches!
      Archer: And I broke my watch.
      Pam: Three!
      Archer: If you want, I could drop these on the floor and you could pretend they're marbles and you're a hungry, hungry. hungry (Pam closes door on him) hungry hippo.
    • "Hi, I'm a huge fan of cock and my name is..." "...Cyril Figgis"
      • After Archer notices that the mainframe password is "guest", and the "sound and pressure-activated security system" is just a single mousetrap.
        "No way. It can't be. Holy shit, our security is atrocious."
  • "Just the tip!"
  • A flashback of Archer playing roulette with an exotic woman at his side.
    Archer: 22 Black! 22 Black! 22 Black! [ball lands on red 18] Ass! Son of a bitch! [notices Scary Black Man standing next to him] Oh, not you, giant African man. I'm, I'm sorry. Can I buy you a drink? How about this expensive prostitute?
  • Archer: No no no, do not wind her up. That is a big gun and she is baby crazy.
    Lana: (pointing gun at Archer, Archer points his at her) Baby crazy?!
    Archer: That's why I broke up with her.
    Lana: You lying sack of shit! I broke up with you, because you're dragging around a 35 year old umbilical cord!
    Archer: See! All you talk about is baby shit! Because you're baby crazy!
    Lana: You wanna see crazy?!
    Archer: I've seen that movie and, spoiler alert, it ends with a closet full of my suits on fire!
    Lana: I wish you'd been wearing one of those suits!
    Archer: Who would want to wear an on-fire suit?!
    Lana: Cosplay enthusiasts!
    Archer: Wait, what?
  • At the climax, imagining his mother dead and what his life would be like without her gives Archer an erection in the middle of a standoff with the villain.
    Archer: Looks like we've got a Mexican standoff, Kremensky.
    Krenshaw: How is this a Mexican standoff?
    Lana: Dumbass.
    Krenshaw: I don't care if you shoot her.
    Cyril: I do.
    Krenshaw: But what if I shoot her, mama's boy?
    Malory: Sterling!
    Krenshaw: Yes, picture her dead in the gutter...
    Malory: Sterling!
    Krenshaw: ...and what your pathetic life will be like without old mommy dearest.
    Lana: Jesus Christ!
    Malory: What?
    Cyril: What is it?
    Lana: He's got an erection!
    Malory: What?!
    Krenshaw: What the hell is wrong with you people?
    [pushes Malory away, and gets shot]
    Archer: Nothing. You on the other hand-
    [Malory hits him with her purse]
    Archer: Ow! OW!
    Malory: An erection?
    Archer: Hey! What's in there - Buckles?
    Malory:*smacking Archer with her wallet* An erection!? The thought of me dead gives you an erection!?!?
    Archer: No, just half of one! The other half would have really missed you!

    "Training Day" 
  • "You know I'd never let anything happen to your bacon. I LOVE YOU SANTA CLAUS!" (sobbing) "I do!"
    • And Carol overhears.
      • Pam, Cheryl and Lana talk workplace relationships as Archer trains Cyril.
        Pam: Worlds collide, huh?
        Cheryl: Kinda inevitable, for a serial workplace dater.
        Lana: Oh, yeah, call the kettle black!
        Cheryl: Ugh, did she just race-card me? Or are you totally just gay for her?
        Pam: I'm the Human Resources director! Little miss hostile work environment.
        Cheryl: She is riddled with herpes.
        Pam: HEY! Inappropriate workplace topic! ...And also a dealbreaker.
      • Cheryl and Pam go through company medical files.
        Cheryl: And... has not had herpes.
        Pam: Deal un-breaker.
        Cheryl: (disgusted) Uch.
  • Archer is trying to teach Cyril how to be a secret agent:
    Cyril: But when would you use an underwear gun?
    Archer: Hopefully never. But say you're in a Caribbean bungalow and you're kinda high. An exotic woman on the bed... Now is she just the high-priced whore you asked for or is she... an assassin!
    Cyril: I don't know, I...
    Archer: Oh, here's room service! Who ordered champagne?
    Cyril: Uh, how should I know?
    Archer: Exactly, you're baked, you can't remember! But since when does it take three huge, surly Jamaican guys to deliver one bottle of champagne!
    Cyril: Aah, because they're assassins too!
    Archer: Or! Maybe one guy's a new waiter, the second one's training him and the third's from maintenance finally off his lazy ass to fix the AC!
    Cyril: Oh. Yeah, I guess that could happen...
    Archer: Point is, you come out of the john waving this around (lifts up the gun), nobody's gonna bug you for a tip.
  • "Shoot! Shoot, bitch! DEMOCRACY IS AT STAKE!"
  • Malory's Mistaken for Racist comment about not wanting Archer to end up with Lana. "My God, a black...ops field agent?!"
    • "Immigrants, that's how they do y'know! Driving around, blasting all the raps and shooting all the jobs!"
  • Archer finds a situation ironic.
    Archer: Ironic, isn't it?
    Cyril: I'm not sure that's technically irony.
    Archer: WHAT?! This is like O Henry and Alanis Morissette had a baby and named it this exact situation!
    • When Cyril is driving off with Lana
      Cyril: Oh, and Archer, how's this for ironic?
      Archer: I dunno, I don't have a one to some other number scale, but, I guess, six?
      [Trinette starts knocking from inside the trunk]
      Archer: Oh my God Trinette!
      Trinette: Yeah, you shit-ass!
      • And at the very end of the episode, after it turns out that Trinette was Not Quite Dead and has already taken Archer's wallet, watch and car, it turns out that he still has one more valuable to lose.
        Archer: You know, I bet there's a lesson to be learned from all this, but I—Oh, shit! My rug!
  • When Lana catches Archer and Cyril with a not so dead hooker in the trunk.
    Cyril: Oh, Archer, what should tell her?
    Archer: Well, if you learned anything today, it won't be the truth.
    [cut to Cyril talking to Lana]
    Lana: I don't care if there's FIFTY dead hookers in there! You lied to me!
    Archer: Did not learn a thing.

    "Diversity Hire": 
  • The flashbacks of all the dead ISIS agents that were outed by Archer drunk-dialing them in "Diversity Hire".
    • "Loose cannons!"
  • ISIS needs to hire another Token Minority:
    Archer: What? You're black...ish.
    Lana: Ish?!
    Archer: Well, what's the word for it, Lana? You freaked out when I said 'quadroon.'
    Lana: Imagine that!
    Malory: Both of you, imagine shutting up!
  • Archer and Conway's encounter in the locker room.
    Conway Stern: What, you, uh, you see something you like?
    Archer: Wh- no, you... queer.
    Conway: [laughs] Oh, I'm queer? From the guy whose tiny gun came with a matching purse.
    Archer: Hey, it's got plenty of stopping power.
    Brett: Hah! That little...
    [Archer shoots Brett]
    Conway: Oh shit!
    Brett: God damn it, Archer!
    Archer: See that?
    Brett: Again!
    Archer: He was putting on his pants, and I stopped him. So you just watch your step, mister... damn it.
    Conway: Hey, right there, what you should have gone with was "Sammy Gay-vis Jr."
    Archer: Damn it!
    • Archer filing a sexual harassment complaint against Conway Sterns after their penises accidentally touch in the ISIS locker room.
      Pam: You're kidding.
      Archer: I'm dead serious.
      Pam: Yeah?
      Archer: I want to file an HR complaint against Conway.
      Pam: On what grounds?
      Archer: He touched my penis. With his penis.
      Pam: Wow.
      Archer: Yeah, he just went up to me and was all, "bwoop!"
      Pam: Where?
      Archer: All of it, head and shaft. (beat) Oh, you mean "where" in the building?
      Pam: Yeah.
      Archer: Because that doesn't seem like it should matter.
      Pam: Well I've got this complaint from Brett, who says you shot him again.[holds up file]
      Archer: See, here's the thing about Brett... [grabs file and runs off]
      Pam: Aw shit! That was the newsletter!
      • Later, when the incident comes up again.
        Lana: Have you noticed anything weird about Conway Stern?
        Archer: Other than the fact that he's not circumcised?
        Lana: Okay. Glossing over how you know that—
        Archer: We touched penises.
        Lana: NO! GLOSSING!
    • And again...
      Lana: An uncircumcised Jewish guy? That doesn't seem weird to you?
      Archer: Well, I'm not Jewish and I am circumcised, so it can go the other way around.
      Lana: It doesn't work like that.
      Archer: Lana. Come on. I think we both know it works fine.
      Lana: Aw, come on! Not your dick, dumbass!
    • Another Danger Zone reference. After Conway gets away, stabbing Archer in the back (literally) in the process, as Lana's informing him:
      Lana: Whoever he is, he ghosted an ID file onto our worldwide database.
      Archer: Which you probably found while researching me...
      Lana: *sigh*
      Archer: Lana 'cause you're in the uh... Danger Zoooone! *cough from weakness*
      Lana: And those were his last words, as he bled to death on the rug.

    "Killing Utne" 
  • "What, [Woodhouse] thinks he's people!"
  • When the Germans realize that Archer is there we get this flashback with what implied is Russian Roulette:
    Archer: Oh my God. (Sees that everyone around the table is dead) I can't believe they fell for that.
  • Krieger: I call him Fister Roboto.
    • But he doesn't just fist!
    • And the best thing is, is that he's learning.
    • He's just so damn sensitive!
  • Archer finds Elka's pocket mirror-shaped communicator.
    Jackov: [through communicator] Hello?
    Archer: Hello?
    Jackov: Can you hear me?
    Archer: What? Wait, what the hell?
    Jackov: What is the frequency?
    Archer: ...Kenneth?
    Jackov: Turn off! Turn off! Turn off!
    Archer: What? I can't hear you, tiny man. Oh, great. Thanks, mother, for replacing the baby aspirin with LSD. God, that is just [takes more] classic her.
    • Manfred and Uta escape, leaving the kitchen full of pots and dishes.
      Archer: And they didn't even wash one dish.
      Malory: This is funny to you?
      Archer: I had some of that LSD you had labelled as baby aspirin.
      Malory: That was baby aspirin.

    "Honey Pot" 
  • This exchange between Malory and Major Jakov:
    Malory: Wait, you set this whole thing up so I would have to move in with you and your mother?!
    Malory: And that makes it better?
    Jakov: ...doesn't it?
  • Archer's Overly Stereotypical Disguise of a gay man. Got dick?
    • "Is this some kind of viral marketing? Or are you literally just asking if I have a penis?"
  • Archer asks Woodhouse why he doesn't have clothes for Miami, and Woodhouse reminds him why:
    Archer: (Tosses over Woodhouses clothes) And your shoes! Because how hard is it to poach a goddamn egg properly?!?
    • Later on, Charles and Rudy suggest to Archer that maybe he should act like he was with a female companion in order to seduce Ramon. Archer then has the same moment as what he did to Woodhouse above, but to a naked Cheryl.
      Woodhouse: I believe he means before you lure them into the apartment sir.
      Archer: Oh, yeah, that makes more sense.
  • "Well I'M dangerous, AND I'm gonna win, AND gay sex!"
    • The moment before this one was hysterical, as Archer had returned from a cock-fighting ring that Ramon frequented.
      Archer: I just spent half the night burying some Dominican guy's rooster!
      Rudy: Fun! Beat Oh, you meant that literally.
  • Archer asks about the contents of a DVD.
    Ramon: If you see what's on this disc...well, if you weren't gay before, you will be.
    Archer: What is it, a sex tape of Mother? (realizes that's exactly what it is) Oh my G...! *vomits*
    • Sure, it's black comedy, but Archer's mirth stemming from the following dialogue between him and Ramon.
    *Archer starts to laugh after Ramon suggests having sex*
    Ramon: And just why is that so funny?
    Archer: No, not that. Woodhouse. He's all alone, tied up somewhere. Sc-*starts to laugh again* scared and alone. Probably dehydrated!
  • Lana, Pam and Cheryl play "Kill, Bang or Marry". Completing it allows one to view what everyone else chose.
    Lana: (on completing the game) ... CYRIL! CYRIL YOU GET IN YOUR ASS IN HERE RIGHT NOW!
    Cheryl: Is it because he said he wanted to bang Danny the intern?
    Pam: No, I think it's because he said he wanted to marry her.

  • The mission:
    Archer: So I get to go to the French Riviera on the ISIS dime to do what, exactly?
    Malory: Locate a stolen shipment of Red Eye missiles and kill the arms dealer trying to sell them, Spirodon Skorpio.
    [Video screen behind Malory displays a picture of an overweight, hirsute man in a bathing suit]
    Archer: Whoa! What, is diabetes busy?
    Malory:Don't underestimate Skorpio. There's a reason the bounty is so high.
    Archer: Like, high enough to redo my kitchen?
    Malory: Ugh, what did I tell you?
    Archer: That saltiel tile is terrible for a kitchen because it's so porous.
    Malory: And Mexican whorehouse-y! So I'm sure your cook feels at home.
    Archer: Hey! Peeta isn't a whore!
    Malory: Not until you got ahold of her.
    Archer: First of all...
    Malory: Oh shut up! The bounty on Skorpio is more than enough for a new kitchen.
    Archer: There's also the nook, though.
    Malory: The rest you can set aside for Peeta's inevitable... "medical expenses".
    Archer: Ugh, like one time that happened!
    [flashback to Peeta holding a pregnancy test, throwing up from morning sickness and presenting a pee-stick in place of food while Archer is on a date]
    Archer: One, three times. But it's the Pope's fault she won't let me wear a condom!
    Malory: Well why don't you wear a vasectomy?
    Archer: Oh this again? Don't you want a grandkid?
    Archer: ...Jesus Christ.
  • Malory and Jackov are trying to have a romantic getaway.
    Jackov: Yes, so, heh heh, did I say is nice boat, or what?
    Malory: Yes, Nikolai, you certainly did... which hopefully explains my shock at finding myself aboard the "Chum Guzzler"!
    Jackov: Oh, ha ha ha! I am just getting that!
    Malory: Well I know one thing you're not getting.
  • Archer's False Reassurance of Cyril.
    Cyril: But why hasn't she called? I mean, what if she's in danger, or...?
    Archer: Cyril, come on! Worst case scenario, her cover got blown and Skorpio's raping her senseless before he chops her battered corpse into fish food.
    Cyril: Oh my God!
    Cheryl: How could you say that?
    Archer: What? I said worst case!
  • Most of Krieger's lines while he's avoiding work:
    • "I'm sorry, your authority is not recognized in FORT KICKASS!"
    • "I guess I was too busy fantasizing about Archer and Lana having intercourse!!!"
    • "The secret ingredient is phone."
    • Krieger is snorting something off Pam.
      Pam: Hey, uh, whatcha snorting off me?
      Krieger: Mostly MSG.
      Pam: "The flava enhanca!"
    • "Every noun and verb in that sentence totally arouses me!"
    • "Get him out of here, because these corporate bag-munchers owe me six hundred and thirty dollars for my goddamn FLEX ACCOUNT!"
  • Archer steals a crewman's uniform to infiltrate the yacht. Said uniform includes a pair of short-shorts.
    Archer: How's my disguise?
    Lana: That depends. Who are you supposed to be? Topper Bottoms, the stern yet sensual skipper of the USS Rough Service?
    [Bound and gagged crewman starts laughing, offscreen]
    Archer: What? They're your clothes, idiot. [shoots him]
    Lana: Ah, damnit, that was the guy in charge of the chocolate fountain!
    Archer: There's a chocolate fountain?
  • The aftermath of the Lana/Archer/Skorpio three-way, complete with chocolate boob-prints on the wall behind the bed.
    Archer: a little dark.
  • Archer and Lana must shoot their way out of their situation.
    Archer: [as a lingerie-clad Lana fires a heavy machine gun] If this goes tits-up... [trails off.]
    Lana: Now? Really?
    Archer: Oh, right! Because you walked into Stripper's Discount Warehouse and said "Help me showcase my intellect!"
    Lana: Discount?! This is Fiocchi!
    Archer: I believe it's pronounced "knockoff".
    • And this exchange in the middle of a firefight with arms dealers:
      Archer: So when you filled out your insurance, you weren't thinking about my tan, muscular arms or my ass in the combat firing stance.
      Lana: No! I wasn't. I don't. I mean, I'm...
      Archer: So full of shit your eyes are brown.
      [a grenade is thrown onto the bridge of the yacht where Archer and Lana have taken cover. They both reach for the grenade, their hands touch, and they gaze into each other's eyes]
      Archer: No, they're...
      [Archer tosses the grenade away]
      Archer: oh, my God... they're green.
      [the grenade explodes]
      Archer: Like emeralds. How did I never see that? Lana, your eyes are amazing.
      Lana: Archer.
      [They close in to kiss]
      Archer: Lana, your eyes are amazing.
      Lana: Archer...
      Archer: I mean not compared to your tits, but... *Lana shoots him in the foot*
      Archer: Ow! Ow! What is your problem!

  • Archer's treatment of the man smoking the cigar.
    Archer: Want to blow us all to shit, Sherlock?
    Captain Lammers: For the last time, it's helium! (to man with cigar) Although this is a no-smoking area.
    • Later
      Archer: "Hey! What are you doing? (slap) Here! (stuffs a wad of money down his throat) Go buy a nicotine patch! (shoves him off his feet)
  • Archer's theory on the bomber.
    Archer: Forget about Kraus, there's your bomber. That guy, Beardsley McTurban-head.
    Malory: You idiot. That's Sandhu Singh, the billionaire investor. He's a Sikh.
    Archer: Oh, so if he's not a Muslim he just gets a pass? Well that's called profiling Mother and I don't do it.
    Captain Lammers: Mr. Singh is Excelsior's majority shareholder.
    Archer: So?
    Captain Lammers: If anything went wrong, he'd lose millions!
    Archer: ... It's the perfect cover.
  • Cyril sneaks onto the Excelsior because he is concerned about Lana cheating on him with Archer. Meanwhile, Archer and Lana are arguing about their genitals.
    Lana: "Unkempt bush!? My vulva is smoother than a VEAL CUTLET!"
    *Lana opens the door to find Cyril*
    Lana: What terrible timing.
  • "'B,' as in 'butthole,' and 'M,' as in 'mancy!'"
    • Followed by Ray's outraged Big "WHAT?!".
    • "Ray, can I shoot him?"
  • And the following meta gem:
    Lana: CAPtain LAMMers!?
    Archer: Nice read, Velma.
  • And after Cyril and Lana push about a ton of C-4 off the blimp:
    Cyril: Lana, we made it!
    Archer: (hopping around with bullet wound in his foot) Hooray for metaphors!
    Lana: (to Cyril) I told you. Now what was it you want to talk about?
    Cyril: Oh, there's lots to talk about...
    [the bomb explodes]
    Cyril: Starting with the fact we just bombed Ireland.
    Lana: Um, pretty sure that's Wales.

    "The Rock" 
  • After Cheryl reminds everyone that Malory killed the cleaning ladies after they tried to unionise and proclaims "no union!", Krieger responds with "Confederacy forever!"
  • "What do we want? UNFAIR! When do we want it? CHANGE!!"
  • Because ISIS uses a laundromat as its front:
    Pam: [But] it looks like we're picketing the cleaners!
    Random Passerby: (throws bottle) Stop picketing the cleaners!
    • Archer: What's with all the bottles? It's like a trailer park Easter.
  • Lana: Where's the hobbit guy?
    Archer: Whoa, a hobbit works here now? Jesus, Lana, they're called little people now.
    Lana: No, he's not a hobbit. He's a hobbit "enthusiast."
    Archer: [weirded out] Oh.
    Lana: Yeah, I know, but he knows how to work all the computers and satellites and shit.
  • Archer: Frickin' ODIN. I can't believe this.
    Lana: How many are there?
    Archer: About a bajillion.
    Lana: Damn it!
    Archer: Bajillion gay little copycats.
    Lana: What?
    Archer: I didn't invent the turtleneck, Lana, but I was the first to recognize its potential as a tactical garment! The tactical turtleneck, Lana.
    Lana: Archer.
    Archer: The tactilneck!

    "Job Offer" 
  • Archer's inadvertent taunting of Barry after having sex with his girlfriend in .
    Archer: Seriously, I must reek of her. Here, can you smell her on me? That chick was like, the Pele of anal.
  • This exchange:
    Lana: We'll never catch him in this thing!
    Archer: Maybe you should have thought of that before you blew the damn drop!
    Lana: I blew Jack Shit!
    Archer: Name dropper!
    • "It's only you that beats you, buddy."
  • Malory's increasingly defensive remarks re: moving and leaving Archer alone on Christmas
  • Len Trexxler finds out Archer thought Barry was offering him a job and had been calling incessantly.
    Barry: I blew him off.
    Len Trexxler: No no no! Barry! You blow him on!
    Barry: (weirded out) On... as in... hire him...?
  • Later, Malory puts out a burn notice on her own son in a fit of rage.

    "Dial M for Mother" 
  • Lana having all the guys in the office line up to have sex with her (or at least say they did) to spite Cyril. Even Ray, because as he puts it, no one is gay enough to turn down sex with Lana.
  • Cheryl attempting to break up with Krieger because of his weak, woman-y hands.
    Kriger: Wait, no! [takes pill bottle out of pocket] I'll take steroids!
    • Later, Krieger suggests using Fister Roboto as an alternative to him choking Cheryl. While trying it out:
      Cheryl: [panicked-sounded gurgles]
      Krieger: Oh, God, sorry. Sorry! [shuts F.R off]
      Cheryl: [catching her breath] What are you doing?
      Krieger: I thought you said start slacking off.
      Cheryl: Not slacking off.

Season 2

    "Swiss Miss": 
  • Malory wrapping up the staff meeting:
    Malory: So if you want paper towels in there, you'll just have to supply your own.
    Archer (above the other staff grumbling): Where do you get paper towels?
    Malory: And, last item, on a related note, I have no choice but to cut salaries. Eight percent, across the board! (everyone starts complaining loudly) And let's just put a lid on it!
    Archer: Do we have to supply our own lids?
  • "Immigrants, with their lowriders, full of free healthcare and 'snow'."
  • "Oh my God! You've never even SEEN a Wilhelm!"
  • "You want little Countess Von Fingerbang to get kidnapped? Fine!"
  • Which leads into:
    Anka: Anka? Mr. Archer, how familiar. You must address me by my title... Countess Von Fingerbang.
    Archer: Nooooope. Come on, Anka, seriously, you seriously got to get out of here *someone knocks on door* Shit! Before the cops show up... or, wait, what do you have in Switzerland, some kind of pikemen?
    Anka: I don't know, I am from Germany....where the age of consent is fourteen.
    Archer: What is it, the Alabama of Europe?!
    Anka: In many ways, yes, but... we can talk about that in bed.
  • Bit of Black Comedy, but Archer being so fed up with Anka's unwelcome propositions and finally, her trying to blackmail him while they're fleeing from kidnappers, that he slows down the snow mobile they're fleeing on so the kidnappers can get Anka unless she rescinds the threat.

    "A Going Concern" 
  • Malory wants Archer to get out of her office:
    Malory: Now if you'll excuse me, I'm right in the middle of a fairly huge deal.
    *Locks her desk drawer with incredibly complicated mechanical and electrical sounds*
    Archer: Buying a lock factory?

  • Pam acting Jamaican.
  • "All I want is this lettuce and his brother!"
  • Archer trying to prevent his mother from marrying Len:
    Archer: Start thinking of ways to make Len not want my mother!
    Pam: We could give her a MILF-ectomy!
    Archer: If you say "MILF" again, I will shoot you in your eyeball.
    Cyril: She does have a point, though. *Archer levels his gun at him* Not the M-I-L-F part!
  • Just about everything Len says while under the effects of the mind control chip. It would be pretty tragic if he didn't have some of the funniest lines in the entire episode.
  • There's a double whammy of two jokes in one - the ants and the carpet always being filthy —
    Malory steps onto a stain on the carpet.
    Malory: Ugh, sweet and sour? Might as well start an ant farm.
  • The enforced Fridge Horror that Ray inflicts on Archer while Archer's dealing with his mother's toy.
    Archer: Alright, I'm going in. Oh god, I can't believe I'm doing this...
    Ray: Try to think about something how there's no sink in there.
    Archer: So what if there's noo—OH MY GOD!
    Ray: Yeah.
    Archer: THERE'S NO SINK!!!
    (Archer screams as he works up the nerve to finally turn it off)
    Archer: Oh, there isn't enough liquor and therapy in the world to undo that... ugh, I touched my mother's dildo.
    Ray: Yeah, you should have borrowed these. [appears holding a pair of rubber gloves] They're like super heavy duty.
    [Archer throws a vase at Ray, which he dodges]
  • Krieger explaining how you shouldn't even touch the LSD strips... before proceeding to do so himself.
    Krieger: Lysergic Acid is absorbed right through the skin. Even the tip of your fing-uh-oh.
    Archer: Oh for fuck's sake, Krieger, you're about to perform brain surgery.
    Krieger: Yeah, so sooner's going to be better than later.

    "Blood Test" 
  • The fact that ODIN has the doctors drain Archer of a litre of his blood just to weaken him and keep him from trying to replace the blood sample.
  • There's a cutaway where Archer is talking with Malory, while having sex with Lana.
    Archer: No don't stop, I can do both...
  • Cheryl goading Lana into beating the shit out of her by bringing up how Cyril cheated on her with several women (including Cheryl) while Ray and Pam discuss holding a baby shower for Trinette.
    Lana: Couple things. (Lunges at Cheryl)
    Cheryl: BRING IT!
    Ray: Yeah, we are code blue here.
    Pam: Hey yeah, blue! Like for baby boys.
    Ray: No, I meant for her face.
    Cheryl: Choke me!
    Pam: No, like, let's have a baby shower for Trinette and the wee baby Seamus!
    Ray: Oh my God, yeeees! But your place is disgusting, so where can we have it?
    Pam: Well Archer's got that banging pad.
    Lana: Oh he'll hate that! I wanna come.
    Cheryl: Uhhhhhh, I think I just did.
    • And Woodhouse let them have the party at Archer's house. Why?
    Archer: "Because I told you to buy lemon curd Woodhouse! Now what am I going to spread on my toast? (Throws Woodhouse's shoes over the landing) Your tears?!"

    "Pipeline Fever" 

    "The Double Deuce" 
  • Archer's reaction to finding out that Woodhouse helped Malory give birth to him:
    Archer: Oh my God! You saw Mother's...VAGINA?! *throws up*
  • Woodhouse's squadron mate assumes Archer and Woodhouse are lovers and adopted the Wee Baby Seamus.
    Woodhouse: This is Sterling Archer, my...
    Stinky: None of my business. Consenting adults and all that.
    Archer: Wha...HEY! No one is consenting to anything!
    Stinky: None of my business.
    • His Sustained Misunderstanding at the end of the episode:
      Stinky: Guess you and me are the last two left in the tontine.
      Woodhouse: Yes, I guess we are.
      [dramatic sting]
      Stinky: Hard to believe that.
      Woodhouse: Well, we were the two youngest.
      Stinky: No, not that! That the government let you two fruit-bats adopt a baby!
      Woodhouse: ...
  • The reveal of why Woodhouse got released from military service: he massacred an entire German infantry division by himself, and scalped them after his beloved boss Reggie was killed by a sniper in no-mans land.
    Stinky: He must've had 50 of them!
    Archer: That's a lot of scalps...
  • The fact that Archer keeps giving poor Baby Seamus alcohol to keep him quiet. When he drops him off at Malory's office, he has a minor hangover.
  • The insane amounts of Ho Yay between Woodhouse and Reggie back in WW1. Reggie even has a photo of Woodhouse on his plane's dashboard.

    "Tragical History" 
  • Krieger's virtual girlfriend and the Planet of the Apes (1968) reference right after said "girl" is on-screen.
  • Krieger's explanation as to why he can't shut down the computer.
    Malory: Just turn off the mainframe.
    Lana: (holds up an unplugged power cord) Yeah, we tried that.
    Malory: Then how is it still on?
    Krieger: Because the worm has turned the mainframe...into a sentient being.
    (dramatic musical sting)
    Malory: What?
    Krieger: I'm kidding. There's a battery backup.
    Lana: Yeah, over there. Behind about two tons of steel and one electronic lock.
    Krieger: Which is controlled by the mainframe.
    Malory: Well what genius came up with that?
    Krieger: (pause) Uh, this one?
  • This exchange:
    Cyril: Well I happen to be a kickass accountant!
    George Spelvin: Did that sound a lot better in your head?
    Cyril: Yes it did.

    "Movie Star" 
  • Mandingo 2: The Enslavening
  • The Reveal that the agent Cyril and Malory have been pitching the movie to is really Boris of the KGB, using a voice modulator
  • When Archer and Lana gets injected with fugu poison, paralyzing them, Lana lands in a chair and Archer... facefirst into Lanas crotch, which is where he'll have to spend the next 4 hours until the poison wears off.
  • Malory insists that her movie idea is a "taught sexy spy thriller", while Cyril thinks it's so awfully bad he mistakes it for a spy comedy. Oh, and Malory thinks that she could belivably play the main character who's in her 40's.
    Cyril: You do know there's a finite amount of vaseline in the universe, right?

    "Stage Two" 
  • Malory talking to Lana and Pam about her mammogram results, and how there might be something there. She then asks them not to have it spread around the office...only for Pam to be texting the office already. She states that gossip is like a disease, and returns to texting, only for Malory to call her out again. Pam asks if she knows what "disease" means, then remembers she might have breast cancer. Crosses the Line Twice even for this show.
    Malory: this information cannot leave this — Pam, what the hell?!
    • This is all preceded by Malory being a colossal bitch to her employees.
      • She tells Cheryl that "If I cared about your weekend, I'd put a shotgun in my mouth and pull the trigger with my toes."
      • Cyril spent all weekend punching computer cards and arranging them by hand, only for Malory to knock them onto the floor because he hadn't gotten it done on the previous Friday.
      • Pam's showing off a marzipan farmyard she plans on sending for her father's birthday - but because she'd used her weekend to build that instead of doing the Quarterly Reports, Malory pours her coffee on it, causing the entire thing to dissolve.
    Pam: Probably not the best gift to send to a diabetic...
    • Then, once Archer gets in, he's the only one who hasn't heard yet... he immediately addressed Pam when told there's no secret. She caves after the faintest resistance.
      Malory: Damn her piggy little eyes!
      Krieger: Aww, Pigley.
  • The ridiculously Overly Long Gag and Crosses The Line Four Times phone call Archer gets revolving around his breast cancer. This utterly inept doctor (who's only really interested in scoring with Malory) keeps calling Archer to inform him there's been a mistake and that he's cancer-free/going to die. Archer undergoes a complete personality change each time and by the time the final call comes in everyone just stares at the phone in horror.
  • Archer: Lana, I'm in love with you
    Lana: You are also shitfaced.
    Archer: Can't I be both?

    "Placebo Effect" 
  • Malory: Sterling, no, you're not well. What are you going to do?
    Archer: Cry havoc and let slip the hogs of war.
    Lana: Dogs... of war.
    Archer: Whatever farm animal of war, Lana! Shut up!
  • "RAMPAGE!"
    • "Well, excuse me, Lana. It's a rampage!"
  • Archer's Freudian Threat when interrogating the pharmacist. The way his eyes widen as he glares at the knife is just the icing on the cake.
    Archer: [following Lock-and-Load Montage] Do you get it? Because I swear to god, I will strip back down and show you all over again.
    Pharmacist: Yeah, I get it! You have a lot of guns!
    Archer: And a knife, which I am going to push very slowly into your urethra-
    Lana: Ew!
    Archer: -if you don't answer my questions. Number one...
    [cut to Archer staking out a warehouse]
    Archer: God what a pussy. I could barely even keep up, he was spilling the beans so fast.
    Lana: Well, you did threaten to shove a knife up his dick-hole. Which, again, ick!
    Archer: Well, excuse me, Lana. It's a rampage.
  • Archer interrogating the Irish mob about fake cancer medication in the style of a Family Feud-like show. Only the bad answers are awarded with a shotgun blast to the kneecap.
    Archer: These potato-heads have got to be the un-sexiest mob of all time.
    Mobster #1: Do you know who you're messing with, boyo? You have any idea who our boss is?
    Archer: Nope. And a hundred people surveyed, answer's on the board, name the douchebag who's in charge. [puts shotgun on mobster's kneecap]
    Mobster #1: Vincent. Van Gogh fuck yourself.
    Archer: Hm. Vincent van Gogh Fuck myself. Survey says! [shoots him in the kneecap]
    Mobster #3: Aw Christ!
    Lana: Jesus! Archer!
    Archer: What, Lana?! I said it was a rampage!
    Lana: Still, though.
    Mobster #1: Oh, you son of a whore!
    Archer: Save it for the Fast Money Round, Paddy. [to second mobster] Hundred people surveyed, number one answer's still on the board, name the douchebag who's in charge! Ehh-ehh! Need an answer! [mobster spits on his face] Hmm. Cock-flavoured spit. Well, you never know what's gonna be on the board. Let me see cock-flavoured spit! [shoots him in the kneecap] That's two strikes. One more and the innocent Honduran janitors get a chance to steal the bank! I'm just assuming you guys don't know what goes on here, hope that doesn't sound racist. [to third mobster] Okay, kid...
    Lana: He is a kid, Archer, so...
    Archer: Lana, you're in the Isolation Booth! Looking for the douchebag who's in charge.
    Mobster #1: Mikey Hannity, say one word and I'll cut your yellow heart out!
    Archer: Ehh-ehh! [shoots and kills him]
    Mikey Hannity: Aw Christ!
    Lana: Uh...
    Archer: Mikey, you've gotta listen to me. I've got breast cancer.
    Mobster #2: Ha ha. breast cancer. [gets shot by Archer]
    Archer: So you'll forgive my impatience because I, and a lot of other people, have been trying to fight cancer with your boss' fake chemo drugs.
    Mikey: Chemo?! They just told be it was cream for male pattern baldness!
    Archer: Do I look like I need bald-guy cream? Mikey, I can barely get a comb through this. It's so thick my barber charges me double. I love my hair, as I'm sure you love your kneecaps. [points shotgun at his knee]
    Mikey: Franny Delaney! He runs everything out here in Brooklyn! Numbers, protection, dope, prostitution...
    Archer: Victimless crimes, Mikey! Tell me about the chemo drugs.
    Mikey: They make the pharmacists buy the real stuff, but Delaney sells it to, I swear I don't know who, but they switch it with the fake stuff here. And those pricks do all the packing. [gestures towards Honduran janitors]
    Archer: What?! You guys were in on this? And I was worried about sounding racist.
    Lana: Were ya?
    Mikey: Aw they don't know what goes on here. They can't even read English. All those dirty beaners care about is taking American jobs!
    Archer Hey, relax Hannity, it wasn't all that long ago that everybody hated the Irish for swarming over here in their potato boats and taking all the jobs.
    Mikey: Yeah. Wait, what?
    Archer: And I'm pretty sure, and guys, feel free to correct me, that "beaner" is a pejorative term for a Mexican. Isso correta ou não? Huh. Thought there would more overlap with the Portuguese.
    Lana: Well, plus they're gagged.
    Archer: Still, though. And third, is this the real stuff? [holds up IV bag]
    Mikey: Yeah, this is all real. Why?
    Archer: Because I am way behind on my treatment.
    Lana: Wait, Archer, what are you doing?
    Archer: I'm sorry Lana, did I mention I have cancer?
    Lana: I know, but now? In mid-rampage? You really think that's a good idea?
    Archer: Hmm, let me see. To take my prescribed chemotherapy for my said, aforementioned cancer? Yes, idiot, I do!
    [cut to Archer bent over a toilet, vomiting]
    • At one point, as Mobster #2 is laughing at Archer's breast cancer, Lana moves her camera to face him before Archer moves to shoot him. She knows what's coming.
  • Archer interrogating a mob boss by sticking a grenade up his ass:
    Lana: Wait, you're just gonna leave him with a grenade stuck up his ass?!
    Archer: Yes, Lana, I'm on a rampage! And also kidding, it's a smoke grenade.
    Mob Boss: Oh thank Go-
    (cue grenade exploding, knocking Archer and Lana out the door)
    • Note: While arguably better than being blown up, a smoke grenade going off in your ass would hardly be nothing to worry about as the casing will become scalding hot and the smoke can be fatal to be exposed to fairly fast. Actually, being blown up might be considered preferable.
  • While Archer and Lana are rampaging, the rest of the cast have discovered that Krieger is allegedly a clone of Adolf Hitler (a la The Boys from Brazil). Pam makes an inappropriate comment about Malory's time in Phuket:
    Pam: Zzzzzziiiinnnng! .... Ahem. Wildly inappropriate.
    Krieger: Seriously, Pam.
    Pam: Okay, Clone Wars.
    Krieger: [dejectedly] Zing.
  • The various renaming suggestions for Archer's film.
    Archer: And everybody else, shut up, and watch "Terms of Enrampagement".
    Cyril: Why don't you call it "Magnum, P.U."?
    Archer: It's a working title! Idiots!
    Malory: Liked him better when he had cancer.
    Archer: First of all, WHAT THE SHIT, MOTHER? And second, too bad, the doctor says my cancer is in remission, which means I'll likely never have any cancer again. So, shut up and watch my movie, for which I really need a better title.
    Cheryl: Ooooh! How about "Citizen Dickbag"? "Snark victory". I know! "Casablumpkin".

    "El Secuestro" 
  • Archer talks with the kidnappers talking on a voice modulator, and hangs up because he thinks they're cyborgs. Then, Cyril kidnaps Cheryl and tries to hold her for ransom. When Lana walks in on him, he pretends to have phone sex. And then we hear it modulated. Malory then traces the call... to Cyril's office and runs off after Lana and says, "They were calling from this floor!"
  • Pam trolling her captors by snarking at the torturer's weak attempts to put her in pain.
    "Who taught you to punch? Your husband?"
  • "I've never seen an ocelot! . . . Holy shit, you guys, look at his little spots! . . . look at his tufted ears!"
  • Cheryl's explanation of her being a Tunt.note 
    Cheryl: I spent, like, every summer there listening to my creepy great-grandmother bitch about Abraham Lincoln. Beat Apparently, slavery was pretty awesome.
    Malory: Prove it.
    Archer: What's to prove? It's free labor.
    Malory: Not that, ass!
  • Ray trolling Archer by wearing the same turtleneck as him.
    Archer: You're just wearing it to piss me off!
    Ray: Is it working?
    Archer: Yes! So take it off! We look totally gay!
    Ray: I am gay.
    Archer: Well I'm not!
    Ray: Then why are you wearing that turtleneck?
    Archer: (points pistol at Ray) Take it off.
    Ray: (points submachine gun at Archer) You'd better put that back in your purse.

    "Jeu Monegasque" 
  • Archer can't help but say "balls" after hearing the name "Benoit".Explanation 
  • "Wow, this might be kind of hard to drive with such a huge, throbbing erection."
  • Ray sees Le Chuffre attacking them with missiles.
    Rocket launchers? (louder) Guys! My cars is totally slowing down for no reason! Must just be out of... carborator!
  • Ray: "Here, hold this."
    Archer: "Thanks Ray, but I'm not thirst-"
    Ray: "Here, hold these."
    Archer: "Ray, I said I'm not thir-"
  • Archer has a flashback to his first time gambling: Him dressed as Charlie Chaplin playing blackjack with Mallory, dressed as Elvira, Mistress of the Dark, betting with candy. Archer hits on 17 and goes bust, losing all his candy.
    "Why was I dressed as Hitler?"
    • Mallory remembers later in the same flashback, the first time Archer was "drunk-drunk.
      "Why was he dressed as Hitler?"

    "White Nights" 
  • The episode starts with Archer bribing the crew of a C-130 to let him steal the drop for Ray's mission. After punching out Ray, Archer hands the crewmember the envelope of cash, gives a long monologue which makes him totally miss his chance to go, then jumps.
    Pilot: Chief, why is the door still op... Wait don't tell me he just now jumped!
    Chief: Yep.
    Pilot: Like, just just now?
    Chief: Yahp.
    Pilot: You know he missed the drop zone by like, eight miles.
    Chief: Yeahp.
    Pilot: Jesus. Did he give you the money?
    Chief: (Pulls out envelope and looks at it) Nope.
    Pilot: (sighs) What an asshole.
    Chief: Yhep. (clicks off radio and closes the door)
    • Archer is then seen dangling in enemy territory and taken captive.
  • Archer and Barry start fighting over Archer's potential father.
    Barry: At least my father isn't head of the KGB!
    Archer: At least I have a father!
    Barry: Wait, are you implying I was a virgin birth, or...?
    Archer: Actually, I was implying... I don't know where I was going with that.
  • After being forced to walk barefoot over broken glass, Archer takes a Russian bystander's battered, worn-out shoes:
    Archer: Those cannot be your only shoes. What am I saying? It's Russia: I bet people come from miles around just to get their picture taken in those.
  • While trapped on a roof, he hears even more soldiers rushing up the stairs to the rooftop exit.
    Archer: What is this, a soldier factory?!

    "Double Trouble" 
  • "More like Lemon Party Chairman"
  • Krieger's van.
    Malory: I swear, if anyone saw me in this awful van....
    Lana: How could they, with this illegal-ass window tint? Dude, this van is like rolling probable cause.
    Malory: So all ashore from the SS Date Rape!
    Ray: Toot-toot!

Season 3

    "Heart of Archness" arc 
  • Archer really doesnt like Rip Riley much.
    Archer: Hello, Sky Captain? It's the 1930's, can we have our clothes and language and shitty airplane back?
  • Bucky: We hold election for king! (pronounced "erection")
    Archer: That's flattering, but not really necessary.
  • Archer: This is my manservant, Jerkens.
    Rip Riley: Funny stuff.
    Archer: Not now, Jerkens.
  • When Gillete and Lana are on a rented boat going to rescue Archer, Gillete is getting a manicure from a man-servant.
    Gillete: Look at him! He is lithe. You know they asked if I wanted to buy him outright. But then I thought ...
    Lana: You thought what, Ray? You thought that maybe because of my racial background I might just have an issue with someone owning another human being?
    Gillete: Actually, I just thought I'd probably get bored with him.
    • The fact that Ray takes insane advantage of the American Express Black Platinum card Mallory gives them to save Archer as fast as possible.
  • Archer's tenure as "pirate king" after he kills the original captain. It doesnt go very well, as he doesnt seem to understand the basics of piracy. At one point, he makes the crew release a fishing vessel because "they're small business owners". He does start up an island lacrosse league which the pirates keep going even after Archer is deposed, so they apparently like it.
  • After they finally escape the island, Noah gets sick of the sexual tension between Archer and Lana. Even the pirate Bucky can see it.
    Noah: Oh my GOD, just SCREW ALREADY!!
    Bucky: Seriously!

    "The Man From Jupiter" 
  • Just the fact that Burt Reynolds is exactly like the Crazy Awesome characters he plays in movies.
  • Lana trolling Archer about the fact that Burt Reynolds is dating his mom.
    Lana: Bullying Cyril isn't gonna make Burt Reynolds stop shtupping your mom.
    Archer: He's not doing that!
    Lana: But even if he is (which he is)...
    Archer: NO HE ISN'T!
  • Archer is enthralled by Burt Reynolds' driving:
    Archer: I'm sorry, I can't hear you over the sound of my massive, throbbing erection!
    Burt [slams on the brakes, causing Archer to hit his face on the dashboard]: How about now?
    Archer: It's gone. I'm all ears.
  • While be Krieger, Ray, Cyril, and Lana are being shot at by two vans full of Cuban hit squad, Krieger is more concerned with his van
    Krieger: (borderline sobbing) Oh-h-hh my God, not the van!
  • When Archer and Burt Reynolds get to Archer's car (a 1970 Dodge Challenger)
    Burt Reynolds: I didn't know they sold those to men.
  • When Burt Reynolds sees Krieger's virtual girlfriend, his deadpan delivery on "Is that a ghost?"

    "El Contador" 
  • A naked Cheryl, and near naked Gillete rolling into Malory's office, after a really bad experience with a urine test cheating drug.
    Cheryl: (with uncharacteristic calm) That’s our pee, and that's the last I better hear about it, because this stupid building is a tinderbox, and I will burn it to the ground.
  • The aforementioned drug trip has to be seen to be believed. Rampaging naked people, hallucinating Decepticons, and copious amounts of tranquilizer darts are involved.
  • Archer is trekking through the jungle, cursing it out and calling for it to "eat a bag of jungley dicks". He comes across a bottle of scotch on a log and takes back what he said and starts praising the "jungle goddess". The scotch turns out to be a trap and he's caught in a snare.
    Jungle goddess, you are a whore.

    "The Limited" 
  • A bit of a Stealth Pun - Kenny's frequent comments about calling his "boys" to come bust him out from the train don't seem all that noteworthy until you realize that his character and the boys are voiced by Robb Wells, Mike Smith, and John Paul Tremblay, respectively.
  • Cheryl discussing her family:
    Cheryl: My great-grandpa was nuts for skating. That, and the Klan.
    • "He remembers me!"
  • At the end, Archer is sitting in a squad car, being told he was in violation of (amongst others) a law against importing exotic animals:
    Archer: You hear that? He called you exotic.
    Babou: [growls]
    Archer: Which is just people talk for awesome, which is what you are, which is why I was happy to save your life, buddy!
    Babou: [growls]
    Archer: No, don’t worry, just thousands of dollars in fines, maybe some jail time. Hopefully just probation.
    Babou: (sprays urine all over the police car and Archer)
    Archer: (strained) Totally worth it!
    Babou: [growls quizzically]
    Archer: No, Babou. That was all sarcasm
    Babou: (downcast) [growls quizzically]

    "Drift Problem" 
  • Malory: Who taught you to drive?
    Cheryl: Just this guy I know called my dead father!
    (Malory starts stammering)
    Cheryl: *smirking* Yeah, I'll bet you feel like a dick.
  • Archer shrieking with joy when he sees his new car comes with a bar.
  • Malory slaps Cheryl to get her to tell her where Archer is:
    Cheryl: Ow! got another one in ya?
  • While Krieger is giving Archer the tour of the car's features:
    Krieger: that red button...
    Archer: I... wait, is that going to kill everybody?
    Krieger: [beat] that blue button...

    "Lo Scandalo" 
  • Lana: Especially given the circumstances leading up to his death, which were...
    Archer: Dildo-y.
    Lana: Unseemly.
    Archer: Eh. Potato, po-dildo.
  • Malory's conversation with her building's super:
    Mr. Herlihy: It's just at Christmas, the tenants usually give me a small consideration for the work all year I do keeping up the building. We surely count on it ma'am, especially this year as we've had more than the usual medical bills.
    Malory: Your point being?
    Mr. Herlihy: It's just that, for the third year running, you give me a potato.
    Malory: Oh dear, so once again you're faced with the classic Irishman's dilemma: do I eat the potato now or let it ferment so I can drink it later?
    (She slams the door in his face)
    Herlihy's Son: Can I get the operation now, dad?
    Mr. Herlihy: No, son. (A beat; he wipes away a tear with the potato) You're gonna die.
  • The "eeeeee-legant dinner pah-ty" scene. Especially Cheryl, seeing as she actually is rich. Plus, Cyril's aside to the others once the detective's out of the room.
    Cyril: I hate you all so much.
    Ray: (in a posh English accent) No-one cares, Figgis; you were only invited to round out the numbers.
    • Lana ends up having to play the maid (using Malory's French Maid Outfit, which she keeps for "special occasions").
      Detective: We got a tip that there'd been a murder up here.
      Archer: Good heavens! A murder? Well, apart from this sullen wench murdering good etiquette, I— Ow!
      (Lana nerve-pinches him)
      Archer: —find the...very...suggestion...laughable...
  • Definitely this exchange between Archer and Malory when he examines the chair that Mascalzoni's tied to:
    Archer: And, uh, speaking of questions. (kneels down to examine the chair)
    Malory: No, no, no! Don't! Don't go back there, Sterling-!
    Archer: I HAVE A QUESTION, MOTHER. Why does this chair have no seat?! (kneels back down again) And what- (kneels down just to reaffirm he indeed saw what he did) - IS IN HIS 'ASS?!'
    Malory sighs and downs her glass while Lana looks at her with a quirked eyebrow of "WTF."
    • And when they cut back from the theme-song, the conversation continues:
      Archer: Mother! What is in this man's ass?!
      Malory (rather nonchalant): Oh please, don't act like you've never seen a "marital aid" before.
      Archer: Not in a dead prime minister's ass!
      Malory: And you don't have to keep repeating it! We've established where it is!
      • Krieger later finds it and asks "Can I keep it?" while dismembering Mascalzoni.
    • Another one, when Malory talks about how, as he got older, Savio's tastes started getting more "exotic," and he started very gradually introducing his perversions into his and Malory's rendezvous.
      Archer (still fixated on the dildo): Well, he'd have to. I mean, the thing's huge.
      Lana starts slapping Archer's forearms to get him to shut up.
      Archer: Ow! Ow! Okay, I- OKAY! God, your hands are like cricket bats!
      Lana: Shut up. So, Malory, what happened? Can you walk us through the crime?
      Archer: Just the crime of murder, not the crime of sodomy by rubber eggplant. (Lana slaps him again)
  • The episode's Running Gag about whether or not Italy uses a king instead of a Prime Minister. For reference, the last time Italy had a king was Umberto II in 1946, so even after taking into account the show's intentionally inconsistent time period, Archer would still be dead wrong.
    Malory: No...what year do you think this is?
    Archer: I know, right?

    "Bloody Ferlin" 
  • Cheryl takes being Ray's beard a little too seriously.
    Cheryl: (seductively to Ray) We're not married until it's consummated.
    Archer: I'll drive if you want to hop back there and enter her.
  • Archer, suddenly eager upon seeing Randy's hot wife, who offers them some "nice, hot pie".
    Archer: It would be rude not to eat her pie, which I assume is not only hot, but also moist. But hopefully not flakey..
  • Cheryl trying to kill and prepare a chicken:
    Cheryl: So is there like, special chicken shaving cream or...
    Ray: First of all, that is a rooster!
    Cheryl: Yeah, like Kenny Rogers Roosters.
    Ray: ROASTERS!
  • Randy finding Archer about to screw his wife and holding them at gunpoint while explaining that their marriage is open.
    Randy: ARE YOU TRYIN' TO HAVE SEX WITH MY WIFE?! (Archer stammers out an excuse) BECAUSE I WOULD BE AMENABLE TO THAT! Beat'' Ya look a little nonplussed, friend!
    Archer: Sorry, I wasn't sure if you knew what "amenable" meant, until you followed it up with "nonplussed."
  • Randy claims that wife-swapping is in the Bible, which Archer brings up to Ray (a former minister, remember?)
    Archer: It did seem too cool for the Bible...
  • Archer goes overboard with Randy's moonshine and experiences the effects of overdrinking for the first time in his life. Yes, he's had blackouts and hangovers before, but never the experience of drinking until you feel sick instead of intoxicated.
  • At the end, Ray gets the phonenumber of the local scheriff who's apparently Straight Gay.
    Archer: Great, everybody gets laid except me *glances at a nearby hen* And you, I guess. Since we ate your husband.
  • Randy had assumed Ray wasnt married... because as an "interior decorator" he must be drowning in women.

    "Crossing Over" 
  • Archer: How did you get so good at that?
    Pam: Well I grew up on a farm.
    Archer: I hope to god that's not relevant.
  • Pam hiding in the bathroom stall.
    *Pam eavesdrops*
    Lana: God damn it.
    Pam: What? You should have looked under the stalls!
    Lana: I did! Wait- I did.
    Pam: Yeah, I usually rest my legs on the grab bars.
    Malory: *bursting in* WHY is it... that every time I need to use the restroom, you people are skulking around looking guilty?
    Pam: Uhhhh... *Ducks down in the stall where there is a mural of spray paint*
    Malory: ...And why does it always reek of paint?!
    • This was a quick one, but when Barry shows up at ISIS HQ, during the lockdown you can see that someone gang-tagged the metal exterior with spray paint. And then you realize it says "Pam."
  • Nikolai laughing at a Marmaduke cartoon hanging on the hideouts fridge.
    Nikolai: Hah, that is big dog!

    "Skin Game" 
  • Krieger shows Archer his apartment. Archer, on seeing what's inside, puts Krieger in a chokehold and puts his gun to Krieger's head. Then the camera cuts to a test dummy in what Krieger claims is a flesh coloured neoprene dive suit, hanging from the ceiling.
    Archer: Why is it skin coloured?
    Krieger: Well, not if you're black.
    Archer: And what is it with serial killers and suits made of human skin?
    Krieger: "I'm not a...serial killer."
    Archer: "Wait, why did you emphasize the 'serial'?"
    • This other exchange shortly afterwards
      Archer is hugging Cyborg!Katya before noticing Krieger.
      Archer: Krieger! Why do you have an erection right now ?
      Krieger: (wiping a tear from his eye) I'm so happy.
    • One of the other projects in Kriegers home lab is an elaborate drum set designed for RUSH songs.
    Archer: Great, now you can finally play "YYZ"
    Krieger: Oh shut up, it's the wrong button.... and no I cant, it's impossible!
    • The horrendous state of the shared bathroom on Kriegers apartment floor.
    Krieger: It's a shared bath!
    Archer: I was going to say literal shithole!

    "Space Race" arc 
  • "You killed a black astronaut! That's like killing a unicorn!"
  • Barry trying to taunt Archer into coming out of the sealed spaceship to fight him in a power-loader, even going so far as to start doing a robo-dance in said power-loader.
  • "Domo arigato Archer roboto!"
  • Cheryl proclaiming herself Queen of Mars while dressed in tubing from the space shuttle.
  • The following exchange when Barry shows up on the space station:
    Lana: Where are you going?
    Archer: Uh, this place called "to kill Barry!"
  • And Archer desperately trying to keep his composure as Barry taunts him:
    Barry: Hey, I understand. I mean, if you're having a legitimate problem with your vagina that you have between your legs in lieu of a penis, that's okay and you need to deal with that.
    Archer: (later, after Cyril disintegrates Barry's rocket in the process of returning to Earth) Ha! NOW who's got a vagina problem?!
    Pam: ... me.
  • "Are you trying to get my mother into the Million-Mile-High Club?"

Season 4

    "Fugue and Riffs" 
  • It is a big crossover with another show. Archer suffers from amnesia, and thinks he runs a burger joint with a wife, a son, and 2 daughters, and he believes his name to be Bob. Yes, that Bob.
    KGB Agent 1: We are nut rubbers.
    "Bob": Okay, you can rub them, but...
    KGB Agent 2: No, he means we are not robbers.

    "The Wind Cries Mary": 
  • "Lana, I will hire Kenny Loggins to come here and play an acoustic set while I slap some sense into you.."
    • Compounded later in the episode with Archer's acoustic "Danger Zone" ringtone.
  • At the start , the ISIS team is being briefed by Malory, and the break room is now off-limits because ants have finally invaded ISIS.
    Malory: (VO, showing ants in the break room) A pig wouldn't be caught dead in there.
    Cheryl: Uh, yeah it would. (cue dead Pigley)
    Krieger: Aw, Pigley II.
  • While Malory is discussing the Ant Problem and how Krieger promised to fix it:
    Malory: ...Mr. "I-can-solve-your-ant-problem"!
    Krieger: First of all, It's Dr. I-Can-Solve-Your-Ant-Problem, and Second... [Cut to Krieger strapped into a device while a device shoots a beam of radiation at an ant and onto Krieger while he screams and laughs maniacally] Here's your refund. [Gives Malory an envelope full of money] I really thought that would work.
    Archer: What were you going for? Ant Strength relative to the size of a human?
    Krieger: ... Shut up.
    • How super-strength would solve the problem is totally unknown.
  • The end , where, after Archer's friend and former ISIS agent Lucas Troy confessed that he did something sexual to Archer (what exactly isn't known, but Archer was passed out on Mama-Juana and it involved Al Green music and suntan oil) during their mission in the Caribbean, it cuts to a stunned and disturbed Archer, Lana, and Cyril in the car, driving in silence.
    • "Can we have the radio?"
  • And when Archer sees Cyril's orange snow clothes on the ground
    Archer: Okay, so...really don't know what to make of that. Unless...(Looks around) Wait, no, no. Get it out of your head. Predator only hunts in tropical jungles...I assume...and desperately hope.
  • Like Archer had "phrasing", Lucas Troy has "said your Mom".
  • Archer is tracking Lana and Cyril through the snow, and comes across a pile of empty shell casings:
    Archer: Yeah, that's our Lana.
    [Looks around]
    Archer: Let's see, so judging from the shell ejection she was firing at... What I really hope was not an ent.
    [Resumes trekking through the forest]
    Archer: Because that is like the last thing we need. An entmoot.
    [Pulls up short, gasping]
    Archer: Oh my God what if I'm gay for Tolkien?

  • Ray and Lana mocking Archer's choice of vehicle.
    Archer: The El Camino is not a car...
    Ray: Truck, whatever!
    Archer: ...nor is it a truck, it's a...
    Lana: ...vehicular hermaphrodite?
    Archer: Shut up!
  • When Krieger offers to give Ray bionic legs and restore his ability to walk, Ray is reluctant at first, only to finally agree.
    Krieger: Good, the anasthetic should be kicking in soon.
    Ray: What anasthetic- *looks at the tea he's been drinking* GODDAMNIT KRIEGER!!
    • Ray is also a bit concerned that Krieger doesn't seem to know the actual anatomic names for the human bones.
  • Brett manages to get shot again, only this time he wasn't even on the same floor as Archer! Archer's bullet managed to follow a complex ricochet pattern just to hit him!
  • Lana and Cyril find Archer running down the hall.
    Archer: I gotta go stop him!
    Lana: Stop who?
    Archer: Whom!
    Lana: Archer!
    Archer: Krieger! He's making a gay Terminator!
    Lana: Aaaand yup. Officially confused.
    Cyril: Yeah. I mean, did he mean a Terminator of gays? Because Krieger's creepy and weird, but he's not homophobic, I don't think, so he must have meant... well, no, aren't Terminators asexual?
  • Ron gets Mallory to laugh by mocking Archer (and some casual racism).
    Ron Cadillac: And call me if you ever want to test drive the new Coupe De Ville.
    Archer: Well, actually, I just got a new El Camino, so...
    Ron Cadillac: Oh, so you're all set. That'll hold way more Hispanics and lawn mowers.
    Mallory laughs
  • When Rodney (the quartermaster) refuses to let Archer out of the armory safe room with a rocket launcher, we get this:
    Archer: Do you honestly want to live through the rise of the machines?! Which you wont, because no one will!

    "Midnight Ron" 
  • Sterling's little "bonding experience" with his step-father.
    Ron: This isn't exactly 'clean money'.
    Archer: [in the same tone, with the same finger quotes] 'No shit'.
  • Cheryl's gypsy woman was once again eerily accurate as to the danger Archer would face (in this case of a gang of transvestite bikers making snuff porn) and as usual Archer doesn't make the connection until after it comes true:
    Cheryl: Yeah, she said it would be like some freaky parallel universe, where John Waters directed The Road Warrior!
    • Archer attempts at following the gypsy womans advice and slow the bikers down by throwing some of Ron's money at them. It might have worked, had a gust of wind not carried all of it off in the wrong direction.
  • The beginning of the episode where Archer is stranded in Montreal after losing all his money in the casino and idiotically burning his passport while drunk off his ass. He ends up smashing the payphone in frustration because no one at the office will help him.
    Bystander: *in heavy french accent* Why did you destroy ze telephone?!
    Archer: *mockingly imitating his accent* Because I am out of people to call!
  • Sterling's explanation of the butterfly effect.
    Archer: The butterfly Effect, ya know? A Butterfly in Africa lands on a Giraffe's nose, the Giraffe sneezes, that spooks a Gazelle, the Gazelle bonks into a Rhinoceros and the Rhinoceros blindly stampedes into a phone booth, calls New York somehow and says "Hey, go kill this idiot Ron, for a suitcase!", cause the Rhinoceros speaks English!!!

    "Viscous Coupling" 
  • Cheryl thinking she was in Opposite Day.
  • When Archer catches Lana with Cyril he eventually guesses he wants revenge for the scotch, leading to this exchange.
    Lana: Do you even hear yourself?
    Archer: Seriously it kind of comes and goes.
    Lana: Well thanks to you I didn't get to do the former, now we are doing the latter.
  • This exchange:
    Archer: Yeah, that was... the... third dumbest thing I have ever said.
    Katya: Uh... wait... what were the first two?
    [flashback to Archer in a real estate agent's office]
    Archer: Buddy, you just sold a timeshare! [shakes agent's hand] Make that two timeshares!
    Archer: Pfft. Goddamn maintenance fees...
  • "Cyril Figgis strikes again!"
  • When Archer tries to stop Krieger from helping Barry leave the space station (who wanted to see a robot fight).
    Archer: Krieger! Why is Barry rocketshipping away from the freaking space station?!?'''
    Krieger: Because... Newton's First Law of Motion?
    Archer: Hey thanks, Neil Degrasse Tyson!
    Krieger's Virtual Girlfriend: Oooohhh... Degrasse Tyson-san...
  • Malory's ever-present frustration with her employees.
    Malory: I should just have nerve gas pumped through the vents.
    Krieger: Just say the word.
    • And the Call-Back
      Lana: Holy shit! There are actually nerve gas canisters in here!
      Malory: I've told you that.
      Lana: I thought you were joking!
      Malory: What's funny about nerve gas?

    "Once Bitten" 
  • The Celebrity Paradox joke when Archer lampshades that Chris Parnell voiced the angel who was in Buck Henry's role in their Heaven Can Wait homage.
    Archer: Thanks, third-rade Butch Henry! What movie are we even doing here?
  • Archer: Bionic legs, and you lift with your back?!
  • Archer hallucinates Cyril and Ray as alligators. Exactly as insane as it sounds.
  • Also from that same hallucinatory trip:
    (Archer looks around at the Turkmen tribesmen pointing machine guns at them, still tripping on cobra venom)
    Archer: Hey, check it out Fred and Barney! We're at the Water Buffalo Lodge!!
    (Keels over)
  • The many uses of the phrase "gurpgork" (the local dictator forced the population to change the name of several things to the name of his dog). As Ray so eloquently put it:
    Ray: How is it the same word for "bread" and "snake" and "Friday" and that damn dog?!
  • Malory, Pam, and Cheryl ridiculing Lana for "clomping" around the office. Bonus points for Cheryl's impression of an AT-AT.

    "Live and Let Dine" 
  • Malory once again calling in a fake threat, this time for seats at a fancy restaurant.
  • The chef at said restaurant was voiced by ANTHONY BOURDAIN. Every line out of his mouth was a howler.
  • Also the Running Gag with Archer dropping one of the large cooking bowls, then allowing it to spin down completely before saying anything.
  • Cyril and the sheep heads.
    Archer: He's in the walk-in, crying like a child. *cut to Cyril doing just that.*
  • After the Albanian ambassador apparently chokes to death on his food, this gem can be heard in the background.
    Cheryl: [in a mock upper-class accent] I'll have what he's having!
    • Then after he's declared dead.
    Cheryl: [in her normal voice] Then I don't want what he's having.

  • The Bastard Chef promo. It's a accurate Hell's Kitchen parody except for food being thrown at the chefs, chefs being chased with a cleaver, drinking in the kitchen, a knife stabbing the pretty accurate.

    "Coyote Lovely" 
  • Lana is worried about the possibility that the truck smuggling Mexicans across the border may also contain Cartel gunmen. Archer isn't fazed:
    Archer: Big whoop, I'm spooning a Barrett fifty-cal. I could kill a building.
  • After Archer overhears Lana's theory that he might be autistic, he starts making sarcastic remarks about autistic behaviors when it comes time to actually focus on the mission to further screw with Lana and Cyril - for instance, stacking rocks in order of descending size. In a "blink and you'll miss it" moment after Archer has shot out the engine block of the truck, you can see that he actually did that. Later, after he's been shot by the border guards, he reveals that he counted all the bullets and they're out of ammo.
    Archer: Oh my god, maybe I AM autistic...
  • When Archer is talking to the border patrol (who claim they protect America from terrorists) while in a station wagon full of illegal immigrants from Mexico:
    Archer: These people aren't — I mean, not to sound racist, but we all know who the terrorists are.
    Lupe: Los musulmanes. [Muslims]
    Archer: Lupe, come on, you're in America now, you just imply it.
  • The immigrants cant find a doctor for Archer, so they end up taking him to an unlicensed veternarian who drinks constantly. When they thank him afterwards, he tells them he probably did more harm than good.
  • Lana's horrified realization that her job as a secret agent is to be Archer's babysitter.

    "The Honeymooners" 
  • Pam humping her lunch to bug Cyril. Then she drops it, picks it back up, and keeps doing it. This gag lasts for about 20 seconds, and gets progressively funnier because of it.
  • Lana and Archer, hanging off the side of a skyscraper, discussing his screwed-up priorities.
    Archer: Lana! Lana! PHONE!
    Lana: Did you seriously climb all the way up here just to see what my bonus is?!
    Archer: 'No, I sarcastically climbed up here to see what your bonus is!' he said, sarcastically. Phone!
  • "Relax, it's North Korea, the nation-state equivalent of the short bus."
    • "Nice!"
  • When Cyril takes on a North Korean agents with a fire extinguisher:
    Lana: I'm coming, Cyril!
    Archer: Lana, wait! Bet that's the first time you've said that!
    • Oh, and guess who the mystery seller the NK operatives were going to buy uranium from? Krieger!
  • Cheryl thinks there's moose in the chocolate mousse.
    Pam: Wrong kind of mousse.

    "Un Chien Tangerine": 
  • Pam's field agent training. Highlights include:
    • Taking the test in a "Sterile" environment. Translation: Buck naked.
      Pam: *farts* What? Punk ass bitches...
    • Beating the ever loving snot out of Cyril, Krieger, and Ray. Also buck naked.
      Krieger: And that goes on for another soul cleaving 38 minutes.
      Ray: Of which you were there for 2.
      Krieger: Three!
    • And Malory dismissing it as "beating up a nerd, a Nazi, and the Queen of the Robots."
  • Lana (Walking in the desert without her supplies): And now I'm going to die in the desert. (Gasp) Just like Cheryl's gypsy lady said!
    (Cut to Lana and Cheryl in the breakroom) Lana: How would I ever die in a dessert?
    Cheryl: Oh I don't know, maybe a giant chocolate mousse?
  • When Lana calls Malory, she tells Cheryl to say she is not there, meaning she does not want to answer her. Cheryl seems to become convinced that Malory is not really there, despite her explaining she is. Later in the episode, when Archer calls Malory, Cheryl can be seen from the back holding a mirror up to see Malory's reflection.

    "The Papal Chase" 
  • Pam and Cheryl gasping whenever they cuss around the priests/cardinals
  • "Your Italian is, how you say, shit?"
  • "It's not my fault Italy's so gay!"
  • The Pope looks exactly like Woodhouse, and when Archer can't tell them apart, he suggests taking them both home and seeing which one is a better butler.
  • Pam getting a huge mirror to check the Pope's breath and accidentally drops it on him:
    Archer: Nice job, Oliver Cromwell!
    Pam (horrified whisper): I killed the Pope!
    Archer: Yeah, that's why I said Oliver Cr-!
    Pam (now jumping on the mirror - and Pope underneath): JESUS CHRIST I'M GOING TO HELL! I'M GOING TO HELL! I'M G-[gets smacked by Archer]
    Archer:: Pam.
    Pam: Yes?
    Archer: Get off the Pope. [Pam hops off, Archer lifts the mirror] Hi...Your Holiness.
    • Moments later, Lana comes in and Pam and Archer try to explain.
    Lana: Why is there a giant mirror on the OH MY GOD YOU CRUSHED THE POPE?
  • Archer didn't bring the ISIS crew's duffel bag of weapons because he assumed — from a painting — that the Swiss Guard still uses halberds. Needless to say, when the Swiss Guard stormed the Pope's room with automatic weapons, Lana didn't waste any time in chewing him out. (Then again, since this wasn't really the Swiss Guard, Archer wasn't 100% wrong.)
  • Lana realizing that the bad guy hire them to protect the pope is BECAUSE of ISIS' reputation of being a bad spy agency. Lana tells Pam to not tell Malory about this. Guess what happens at the end.
    Malory: (upon hearing that ISIS was hired because they were so terrible) WHAT!?
    Archer and Lana: PAM!
  • When Woodhouse is brought along to impersonate the pope he first rushes off to shoot up, then again to be with it enough for the mission.
    Lana: And with the weather, and you may need an umbrella because it's going to be raining. Dead ass popes.

    "Sea Tunt" arc 
  • The various characters discussing Cheryl's insanity
    • Cheryl can hear the background music
      Cheryl: Just try to ignore it… it’s non-diagetic.
  • Malory's response to Ray's complaining
    "Oh, stick another man's penis in it!"
  • Pam continues eating the vegan crab and shrimp despite being really allergic to soy
    "I'm a consenting adult!"
    • Malory orders Cyril and Ray to find Cecil's recordings and leave Pam to die of anaphylactic shock:
      Malory: And why are you still standing there? Go!
      Cyril: But what about Pam?
      Malory: I'll buy you a new one!
    • Later, after she orders Cyril and Ray to recover and destroy the CCTV footage, Malory is left alone with Pam, who's on her knees, struggling for breath.
      (Pam wheezes loudly)
      Malory: Well, you don't have to rub it in!
  • Krieger modding ISIS guns...while higher than a kite (note the huge pile of cocaine) and air-drumming to "Tom Sawyer".
  • Captain Murphy saying that the person who doesn't get the scuba gear should be the weakest swimmer.
    (Archer, Ray, and Cyril all look at Lana)
    Lana: Oh, screw you guys!
  • Captain Murphy dying by being trapped under a soda machine in a Call-Back to Sealab 2021
  • Ray getting paralyzed again. Temporarily, though, since it was just his CPU getting short circuited.
    • Earlier, Archer tricking him into shaving his mustache off.
  • At the end, we get this from an understandably butt-hurt Cyril:
    Cyril: Three cheers for little Johnny Bastard!
    Pam: Hip hip...inappropes."

Season 5 (Archer Vice)

    "White Elephant" 
  • When ISIS comes under gunfire by unknown attackers, Archer springs into action only after he hears Lana yelling:
    Archer: LANAAAAAAA!!!!!!!! (runs out of Malory's office)
    Malory: (mimicking Archer) Lanaaaaaa!!! Ugh, it's not her birthday. (Takes a sip)
    • With the reveal that the guys that were attacking the ISIS group being FBI, Malory walked out of her office annoyed and said this is her second worst birthday
      Archer: How is this better than your second fake fiftieth!?
  • Archer joins the gunfight:
    Cheryl: “Get away from us.”
    Pam: “Yeah. They’re shooting you.”
    Archer: “Who?”
    Carol: “The storm-ninjas.”
    Archer: “What? That’s not a thing, idiot! (Looks up and sees the black-masked-and-goggled assailants) Oh. I stand corrected.”
  • When the main characters all talk about what they would do now that they were losing their jobs and had to get new ones. Best moment of that meeting was arguably Cyril saying he wouldn’t want to go back to his accounting job, to which Archer replied, “especially after mother gives you a shitty reference. Mother, do that.”
  • Cyril, Krieger, Cheryl, Pam, and Ray all ratting on ISIS to get non-existent immunity. Highlights of which include:
    • "And I think there was something about throwing a bone in me,"
    • "Is it murder if they were my own clones? I'm seriously asking,"
    • "I wanna say... Burt Reynolds?"
  • Archer and Lana fighting, ending with this gem.
    Archer: Miss "My-Baby-Is-From-A-Sperm-Bank" because I can't keep a man, because, in addition to my million other neuroses, I HAVE A WEIRD SHAPED VAGINA!"
    • And right after that, when she and Archer are having it out, she tells him "There is no we! Well, there's this we!" and points a loaded gun at her pregnant womb. Notably, Archer is the one to draw attention to the stupidity of that move.
  • Bluffing their way into the interrogation room where Malory is with gent Holly:
    Cheryl: Oh, Clyde? Clyde, is that you dear? It's me, Mrs. J. Edgar Hoover's mother!note 
  • Malory's response to Lana's hypothetical proposition on what to do with the literal, not figurative, ton of cocaine.
    Lana: So, what, we form a cartel?
    Malory: Well, how hard can it be? I mean-
    Lana: Don't.
    Malory: -If Mexicans can do it?

    "Archer Vice: A Kiss While Dying" 
  • Cheryl trying to sing.
    Malory: God, how I envy the deaf.
  • "He gave his palabra, Lana!"
  • The reveal that Cheryl is actually a great singer/guitar-player when she thinks no one watching, due to Krieger’s numerous cameras (The ones not in the bathrooms or swimming pool.)
  • Not even two days into their activities as a cartel, and Pam's already addicted to cocaine... By eating it. The latter point of which is lampshaded during the episode. Though really, her addiction started because they smuggle the cocaine in the form of a full-body cast Pam is wearing, and she absorbs a bunch of it through her skin.
    Charles: Okay, 2. How can you eat a pound of cocaine and not be dead?
    Pam: I've actually never felt better. (swallows) I hope that lasts.
    Charles:Oh, I'm sure it will.
    • Say nothing of her antics whilest high as a kite on the stuff.
      • And of course, when Archer's trying to tell Lana that he and Ramon hadn't hooked up, he finishes off with "That's crazy! We didn't even kiss!" This comment has Pam's immediate and undivided attention. Even better since she was zooming around (actually making racecar noises) until Archer's statement, where she zips up to a complete stop like a chubby, blonde Road Runner.
  • Pam is on the defensive due to feeling judged by Lana for her newly-developed cocaine addiction. Archer is unconscious in the back seat, Pam having shoved him into the wall earlier:
    Pam: Oh! Oh! Oh! Okay, so I should take life advice from an unwed mother?
    [Archer slides sideways in his seat, leaving a trail of blood on the leather]
    Pam: With a dirty car?

  • Lana running while pregnant to help Archer:
    Lana (clutching tummy while running): Sorry baby, sorry baby, sorry baby, sorry baby, sorry baby-!
    Pam (in the background): LANAAAA! Get cocaine!!
    After reaching the door, about to bust it in.
    Lana (to the baby): You name it, kid. (panting) Savings bond, a puppy, breastfeed ya senseless.

    "Archer Vice: A Debt of Honor" 
  • After being in a full body cast made of cocaine Pam is seriously addicted to it. To the point where when Archer threatens her at gunpoint to stop she pretty much buries her head in the bag of coke she has to eat as much of it as she can, as fast as she can.
  • When Malory calls Pam "Coke-ie Monster."
  • When Cyril asks just where in Cheryl's mansion he'll be able to lock up what remains of the cocaine:
    Archer: Cyril, look around! Somewhere in this mansion, I have to assume, is a gigantic Scrooge McDuckian vault!
    • When it turns out there is no such vault in Cheryl's mansion, Archer postulates "an old-timey gymnasium full of Indian clubs and medicine balls"... Which, it turns out, there is, as they cut to Woodhouse in one such gymnasium, dressed in old-style wrestling spandex, and currently trapped under a medicine ball.
    • When the yakuza come knocking for Pam:
      Woodhouse (still trapped): Dear God! Telephone clanging away, and me trapped! It's a good servant's worst nightmare!! I don't see how this could possibly get any wor- (Doorbell rings) Oh.
  • When Pam reveals she's had a threesome with yakuza thugs (one being an old man named "ojii-san", which is Japanese for "grandfather"):
    Archer: Jesus, can the mind vomit?
    After a cutaway reveals a picture of naked Pam with whipped cream on her breasts and nether regions...
    Archer: Ugh, yes, the mind can in fact vomit!
  • Krieger mistakes the two yakuza at the door for Chinese guys from a takeout place, only for his Virtual Girlfriend to take offense when Malory corrects him:
    Krieger: Oh for-! I don't get all pissy every time you mistake a Dutchman for a Swede! Either time that happened.
  • After Mr. Moto (George Takei) berates one of his men for opening fire without permission, the one standing next to him plays the same Losing Horns app that Archer had. Then solemnly bows afterwards.
  • To defend against the yakuza Lana says they need to concentrate on choke points. Having a fetish for being choked, Cheryl immediately gets all excited.
  • Archer thinking Kenny Loggin's "Danger Zone" was a country song.
  • "The phone (snickering uncontrollably) IT WAS WOODHOUSE'S!" Even Lana starts cracking up at that one.
  • When Cyril reveals the money from Charles and Rudy was counterfeit, Mallory asks if things could get any worse. Archer slowly knocks over a stack of bills while sporting a shit-eating grin.

     "Archer Vice: House Call" 
  • Cyril's presentation's visual aides, and half the gangs assumptions that they're penises' (they're supposed to be thermometers).
    Cyril: NO! (smacking the board with a pointer on each word) THEY! ARE! NOT! COCKS!
  • Archer eating Pam's cocaine in a yogurt cup, and his horrified expression upon believing that's actually what yogurt's made of.
    Archer: Oh my God! And little kids eat it?
  • When Archer insists that they tighten Pam's restraints:
    Lana: That's tight enough! We're not making tit-bondage porn!
    Archer: That's a thing?
    Cyril: Oh yeah.
    Malory (disgusted): Urgh.
    Archer: Ditto. I just don't want her to escape. I mean, you know how strong she is. She may as well be green and half-deaf.
  • Archer's complete lack of knowledge to the various genres of pornography. Which even gets lampshaded at one point.
    Cyril: How do you not know the different types of porn?
    Archer: Because I have sex with actual women, Cyril! My girlfriend's not equal parts the Internet, a tube of Kentucky Jelly, self-loathing, and a sock!
    • When Krieger enter the room through one of the secret passageways to the room, we get this little exchange, which leads to some rare sentences:
      Cheryl: I think that's why the colored maids never felt safe. They'd be polishing a spittoon or whatever, an' suddenly (makes a scary face) GRANDPA!
      Everyone gasps in a startled manner
      Cheryl (giggling): Yeah, and dressed up like a ghost?
      Lana: What is it with your family wearing ghost-costumes to scare black people?!
    • Hell, any story involving Cheryl's racist grandfather. Apparently, several of the tunnels underneath the house were dug by him trying to dig into the underground railroad to recapture escaped slaves and sell them back to their owners. Not only did he think the underground railroad was an actual physical subterranean railroad, he also did this in 1890.
  • Archer's succinct summation to Pam on how they intend to cure her of her cocaine addiction via mind-control microchip.
    Pam (groggily waking up): Wait, what're we doing?
    Archer: Stabbing science into your brain.
  • When Malory sends them off to hunt down the hulked-out Pam with tranquilizer guns:
    Malory: Now get out there and have fun!
    Archer (giddy at the prospect): How could we not?!
  • All of Ray's drunken blubbering.
    Agent Holly: My God! Are they... Torturing a woman?
  • Lana accidentally tranqs Woodhouse when Archer startles her and uses him as meat-shield (due to knowing she'd shoot without looking first). Woodhouse has just enough time before passing out to give us this little gem:
    Woodhouse: (to the dart) Hello, old friend. (Passes out and is unceremoniously dumped on the floor by Archer)
  • The implications at the mentioning of Archer's college semester abroad.
    Malory: Cobra Whiskey and ladyboys, I mean,-
    Archer: Shut up!
    Lana: HA!
  • The introduction of Cheryl's country-singer persona, "Cherlene."
    Lana: Um... Cheryl?
    Cheryl (in a twangy southern accent): Nah, Cheryl's gone. I'm Cherlene now, an' if somebody don't fry me six goddamn eggs an' some Carolina fries, I would personally be shocked, shocked! I tell you- if by mornin' this place ain't burnt ta the ground! (Yawns and wanders off)
  • When Agent Hawley asks why Ron is in a hospital bed, everybody starts offering suggestions, including: gout, mumps, vasectomy, gout-mumps.
    Krieger: Progeria! [sniffles) He's just a little boy!

    "Archer Vice: Southbound and Down" 
  • Ray getting annoyed with Krieger for waiting so long to turn his legs back on. Krieger's response: turn them back off.
    • Krieger takes it even further than that.
      Ray: (uncontrollably goose-stepping with his left arm raised while Ride of the Valkyries plays in the background) THIS STOPPED BEING FUNNY TWO HOURS AGO!
      Krieger: (in his underwear, holding a remote control) It's not supposed to be funny.

    "Baby Shower" 
  • Archer calling out Cyril for holding a grudge against Lana going with artificial insemination, commenting that she was so far out of his league, it would have counted as interspecies breeding.
  • Pam being told to "blow it out your ass" by Malory... and promptly farting.
    Archer: I was hoping you'd do that.
  • Woodhouse finally got a nice zinger.
    Archer: And, Woodhouse, if you spend any of this on heroin, you better buy enough to OD on, because-
    Woodhouse: Will do! (takes the money and runs off)
    • Which comes back as a Brick Joke when he comments that "I only had $200" after being given twice that.
  • Archer confuses baby showers with bachelorette parties and suggests getting penis-shaped water guns for Lana's shower.
  • The degree of Cyril's "No. Just... No" Reaction to premise of "the Dirty-Diaper Game".
    Cyril: Stop! Yeah, let me just stop ya there because, if you finish that sentence, I am going to rub cocaine in your eyes until you are blind.
    Ray: ... Goddamn, Shawshank.
    • Ray's enthusiasm towards describing said game to Cyril.
  • After handing out over a grand to finance the baby shower, Pam asks where he's getting the money since ISIS shut down months ago. The next bit is hilarious as he reveals he sold some art, with the next scene:
    Charlene: Goddamnit! (pointing at a space where painting was hung) What I say about you staying on the walls, ghosts?
    • The fact that Archer managed to sell a painting all by himself all the while screwing up the drug operation, or lack thereof.
  • Krieger tries enlisting his girlfriend to help pack the cocaine. Since she's pretty much a hologram, her hands just pass uselessly through the packages. She looks suitably irritated.
  • Both Archer and Cheryl thinking that a glass pool on the side of top floor of the hotel being a dumb idea though probably realizing it be a good place to bang.
  • Archer telling Kenny Loggins he doesn't frigging care what's in the case which he thinks either has uranium or a human soul.
  • After five seasons of making "Danger Zone" jokes and referencing Loggins, Archer is rather annoyed to find out Lana has zero clue who he is.
    Archer: That's Kenny Loggins!
    Lana: *Gasp!* From Kenny Loggins Roasters?
  • Pam and Cheryl taking Malory's "tranny" comment seriously (Well, possibly semi-serious, in the case of Pam) much to Lana's annoyance.
    Pam: You think if I had 100 pounds of coke I'd be sitting here playing choo-choo spoon with a tranny?

    "Smuggler's Blues" 
  • Unable to track down Archer, Ray, & Cyril, Malory asks Krieger to use the satellite network to find them:
    Krieger: ISIS had satellites. The, whatever we are, Gang Who Couldn’t Sell Coke Straight, doesn’t even have cable.

    "Rules Of Extraction" 
  • Archer, Cyril and Ray are being driven to be executed in the jungle and plotting to escape:
    Cyril: Hey, but when we're digging out own graves, they're gonna get cocky, and then we wang 'em with our shovels, right?
    Archer: Cyril, this isn't an episode of B.J. and the Bear.
    Ray (incredulously): That was?
  • "Eat a dick, jungle."
  • The Jeep tumbling around "about 90 goddamn times".
    • GODDAMMIT! (Beat) Why are we not doing "Phrasing" anymore!?
    • Then there was the bit when they found Ray alive in the van. Followed by Ray being offended that they just assumed he died and didn't even "take a moment" for him.
  • Ray complaining about how Archer always assumes that things will work out for him.
    Ray: You think everything’s going to be easy!
    Archer: Well, it almost always is!
    Ray: Aha! See, that’s what I resent.
    Archer: What do you resent, Ray? My muscly shoulders poking into your tum-tum?
    Ray: I resent that you never take anything seriously because you always assume everything is going to work out for you!
    Archer: It almost always does! [Cyril sighs] Case in point! [Archer gestures to an airstrip and in the middle of the jungle]
    Ray: What the — Goddammit.
  • The Reveal that Ray could walk the entire time, but refused to, just to spite Archer.

    "On the Carpet" 
  • Archer's completely black-and-blue chest from a beanbag gun, particularly his reaction anytime Cyril elbows him there.
  • The Reveal that Krieger blew up all-but 30 Kilos of the cocaine when he realized the submarine he was using the cocaine bricks as ballast for was landlocked and he ended up blowing it to pieces in despair.
    • And Malory's reaction to that, where she was going to literally emasculate him, calling for a bowl, a mirror, a needle and thread, and a straight-razor. The mirror is so that he could watch as she did it.
      • Also Krieger's reaction to the initial threat, just as he realizes she actually means literally.
        Krieger: Well no, if you literally ema—(coughs)—Okay, so...
  • The attempted photo shoot involving Cherlene, rocket pops, and a film-less camera.
    Pam: You think that's sexy? With the rocket pops outside of you?
    Krieger: But if she eats them, we lose the whole red, white, and...okaaaaayyyyy...
    Pam: Yea, not talking about eating them!
    Cherlene: Wait, what are you...YOU WANT ME TO PUT A ROCKET POP IN MY VAGINA?!
    Pam: Well...for starters...
    • "The butthole, Lana, is what I was gonna say..."
  • The following exchange when Archer freaks out about having to land a plane in a likely alligator-infested swamp:
    Cyril: Archer! Alligators, or your mother?!
    Archer: What's the difference? They're both cold-blooded, prehistoric monsters!
  • And finally, The Reveal that Ron and Malory are going to have an open marriage. Naturally, as this occurs Cherlene's phone rings, revealing that it's Ron (Malory immediately knocks out Cherlene quite violently) and then a few minutes later Pam's phone rings, but she's smart enough to avoid answering it, since the one possibly calling is Ron and Malory is close enough to throttle her.

    "Palace Intrigue" Parts I and II" 
  • While flying in to San Marcos, the gang argues about which Breakfast Club character each of them is. With Malory having NO idea what the hell they're talking about.
    Lana: So What, you think I'm Ally Sheedy?
    Malory: Are you all just saying random words?
  • The last few gasps for the Phrasing! Running Gag.
    Cherlene: Goddammit! Who the hell drilled my box!?
    El Presidente: Come-come-come-come-come!
    • And its glorious return when El Presidente does it again.
      Cherlene: Phrasing! Boom!
      Archer: (Weakly, having been punched in the balls by Lana) Thank you...
  • Archer's definition of anonymous sex and his explanation to Lana for how accidentally doing it to Calderón's wife (thinking she was a maid) isn't anonymous sex is pretty funny. ("You've gotta assume there's a pretty thorough vetting process...").
  • Lana punching Archer in the balls as part of her "friendly advice" about his sex addiction.
  • When Krieger tells Pam and Cyril about his clones, this exchange ensues:
    Krieger: Guys, come on, let's go!
    Pam: Not without a bunch of garlic and some wooden stakes!
    Krieger: Wha- they're clones, not vampires.
    'Pam: It doesn't matter to the stake!
    Krieger: What're you... we can't kill them!
    Pam: Well, not now. We wait till morning and then murder them in their coffins. Cyril, thoughts?
    Cyril: I'm just wishing I hadn't come on this stupid trip.
  • A mortar attack, how frickin' outlaw country is that!
  • "Clone bone!"
  • Malory has thrown away Archer's gun, because it had touched his 'junk':
    Archer: How dirty do you think my junk is?!
    Malory: As dirty as if it was made of dirt and then got dropped in some different dirt and then Pigpen came along and kicked it around with his dirty shoes.
  • Cyril's inadvertent rescue via tank and Malory bitching that he didn't go with a more conventional vehicle, such as the limousine like she'd hoped for, even though she never specified that's what she wanted in the first place. This of course, leads to Cyril snapping at her like she so richly deserves.
    Archer: Haha, right!?
    • Then when Archer tries to take over the tank gun is aimed right in front of his nose. His face tells the story.

  • Lana tries to make a Star Wars reference:
    Lana: But I just this second realized why you want to stay down here. Cyril's just the Vader to your Palpatine.
    Malory: Is that a reference I should get, or...?
    Lana: Seriously?
    Malory: Well, I'm sorry, Lana, I didn't go to rabbinical school.
    Lana: It's from... No, you know what? Never mind. But, spoiler alert - Vader ends up killing Palpatine!
    Cherlene: But only for three days, right? And then he moves the rock and comes out of his cave stronger than ever.
    Pam: Then he shuts off the tractor beam, releasing the Jews from captivity.
    Lana: What?!
    Malory: Wait, yes, now that sounds familiar.
    Lana: It cannot possibly.
    Malory: Gospel of Luke?
    Lana: Oh for... Ray, you used to be a preacher, you want to back me up here?
    Ray: I actually don't know. My church didn't really do the New Testament.
    Lana: The one... with Jesus Christ in it.
    Ray: I mean, I take your word for it, but...
  • Cyril manages to take over San Marcos and push back against the rebels using tactics he learned from Warhammer 40,000.

  • Cherlene frees a goddamned tiger from the zoo. And then it eats Calderon.
  • As the rebels are running away from the airport:
    Charlene: All the gardeners are running away!
  • Archer keeps referring to Lana as "Buddy" and she threatens to insert bullets into his body by hand if he does it again.
  • Archer referring to Holly and Slater as "Tweedledick and Tweedleballs."
  • Malory's comments on how Krieger couldn't just leave the nerve gas.
    Krieger: The only thing necessary for evil to triumph is for good men to do nothing.
    Malory: Said the clone of Adolf Hitler.
  • The reveal that Krieger never installed a mind control microchip into Cherlene's head... instead he placed a sticker inside of her brain.
    Charlene: Whoa. So my whole life, all I ever had to do was believe in myself? And inject a sticker into my brain?
  • Archer's newborn daughter using his patented "One finger shut-up while I drink" thing.
    • Immediately afterwards, Archer's reaction to who the father is.
    Archer: ...Meep, meep...

Season 6

    "The Holdout" 
  • The Brick Joke that Archer had absconded and is drinking cobra whiskey (as in giant bottles with a cobra in them) as two Thai call girls ask for payment.
    "There's an extra ฿20,000 in it for you if you are genetic females." (they present themselves with their backs to the viewer so we can't tell know, or from Archer's nonplussed reaction whether they are ladyboys.)
  • The reveal of the team's shiny new office, all futuristic and clean, stark-white and shimmering, just like Malory had envisioned it... Only for the moment to be utterly destroyed when Cheryl and Pam reveal it's an elaborate hologram and everything is exactly the same as it was, having blown all of Malory's money on an elaborate recreation right down to the bloodstains in the carpet and squeaky drawers. All of this, just to screw with Malory and make her cry. Except for Milton the toast-dispensing robot, the aforementioned hologram projectors, and the Japanese-style onsen, hidden behind a secret passage in the janitor's closet, accessible via retinal scanner, that only Pam and Krieger know about so far.
  • Malory's growing frustration at everything in the office being exactly the same, right down to the taste of the ice she uses.
  • Mixed with Heartwarming, but Archer shooting at the CIA extraction Team yelling at him and Kentaro while the latter talks on the phone to his wife whom he hasn't seen in decades.
    Archer: We need a minute, Captain Shitnuts! *giddily to Kentaro* Tell her I said "hi"!

    "Three to Tango" 
  • After they reach the apartment that Conway Stern is hiding out in Lana asks Archer to at least try to not do anything stupid and rampage-y. Archer pretends to mull this over for a few seconds until Conway is at the door, and then Archer yells out "REVENGE RAMPAGE!" He then kicks down the door and a really well-animated fight scene ensues while Lana calmly makes tea.
  • Pam demanding to know if it is too much to ask for two separate sessions of 80-minute dump time per workday.
  • Archer's cover name in the episode: Coronel Lando Calrissiano de la Forces Especialle.
  • While arguing over who should get custody of AJ in the event of Archer and Lana's deaths, Ray says that it should be him... right as he lights up a cigarette while standing right next to AJ. When Cyril points this out to him, Ray inhales the entire cigarette in one go, drops the butt into Cyril's mug of coffee, and then blows an entire cigarette of smoke in his face.
  • The ending; first, Lana cutting off Conway's other hand for commenting on her baby weight and again when, after a surprisingly touching chat about AJ's custody should one of them die, Archer finds out Lana has a sister. There is a long pause and we all know what's coming, and we kind of hope Archer keeps his mouth shut, but nope:
    Archer: (leaning across Lana, who is staunching the bullet wounds in his back) Is she younger?
    Lana: ... (pushes down really hard on the bullet wounds, causing Archer to scream) (Cue End Credits)
  • After five years of theories and questions, we learn that Conway Stern's real name is... Conway Stern.
  • Cybernetty Teddly trying to cheer up Krieger.

    "The Archer Sanction" 
  • Malory turns the tables on Archer and pulls off her own elaborate voice mail prank. Archer's reaction is priceless.
  • Archer only skimmed the briefing, did not bring it along, and did not give it to either Ray or Lana, and could not remember who the target was. He could only remember that the target was from a country that, in WWII, was an Axis power. And the three other climbers are a Japanese woman, a German man and an Italian man.
  • Archer only figures out who the assassin is because he assumed Ireland was an Axis Power.
    Lana: But seriously, how in the hell did you think Ireland was an Axis power?
    Archer: [Chuckling] Oh, my God, I think this whole time I was actually thinking of Romania but only as an inevitable consequence of the Molotov-Ribbentrop pact and the Soviet invasion of Bessarabia.
    • Although in the Season 3 episode "Lo Scandalo" he is told Ireland wasn't an Ally power, but neutral.
    Archer: Wait, seriously? They were Nazis?
  • "Ray forgot the gum!"
    • Ray actually does have gum but was hoarding it for himself.
  • Someone, (probably Krieger) has a "Teutonic Butts" ringtone. And it has the exact same beat and everything as Archer's "Mulatto Butts" ringtone.
  • Malory has gone MIA in the episode and, in Lana's words, "absconded" with Baby A.J., so the rest of the gang search her apartment for her. All the while, the gang mysteriously comes down with bouts of projectile vomiting. At the end of the episode, it turns out she was only gone because her apartment was being fumigated.
  • Throughout the episode, Ray and Lana flirt with the incredibly handsome mountaineering guide (although Lana is doing it partly to make Archer jealous) and after narrowly avoiding death:
    Lana (to Archer): So, will you be super pissed if I bang him?
    Ray (from offscreen): Yes!
  • "Don't worry about it."
  • While everyone else is celebrating Cheryl's birthday in the secret Japanese onsen, Krieger is swimming through it looking for some creature.
    Krieger: Don't make any sudden movements. Bowel or otherwise.
  • When the gang reaches Malory's apartment, Cheryl unlocks her door and immediately passes out.
    Pam: Looks like Pam's lucky night!
    (Shocked response from Cyril and Krieger)

    "Edie's Wedding" 
  • Barry reveals that Katya left him for "literally the dumbest guy in Russia", Boris. His idiocy is driven home by a scene of him attempting to serve Katya breakfast in bed:
    Boris: Who want waffle? (lifts the lid off the platter, revealing a plate of syrup with a pad of butter floating on top of it, and is clearly devastated to see this) ...I forget to make waffle.
  • The opening scene. Almost 2 minutes of Pam blubbering, and Archer maneuvering her like furniture to make himself a cup of coffee.
  • When Malory walks out, she tells Cheryl, "...and try not to burn the place down".
    Lana: (angry at Malory for insulting her parenting skills) I hope you do burn this place down.
    Cheryl: She said not to. ...(gasps) She said try not to!
  • Pam tells Barry she's "his worst frickin' nightmare" Barry's response?
    Barry: And by the way, my ACTUAL worst nightmare, which is recurring, is me and Santa Claus being chased through the snow by Lurch from The Addams Family.
    Pam: [Beat]...Why did you tell me that?

    "Vision Quest" 
  • The Bottle Episode features the entire cast (sans Malory) stuck in an elevator. Hilarity Ensues.
  • Archer insists that Ray engage with the interface of the elevator, or whatever cyborgs do, to help them get unstuck.
  • Krieger installed a Signal Jammer on the roof of the elevator "so that people would stop looking at their phones and talk to each other."
  • When asked if she is a mind reader, Carol/Cheryl list off the defining vices of the entire cast. Archer wants to drink, Lana wants to lecture people, Pam wants another Bear Claw, Ray wants to smoke, Cyril wants to masturbate and Krieger is worried that they'll find out he's a clone.
    • "I do NOT want to masturbate!!!"
  • Archer getting everyone to stop bickering by threatening to fire a shot into the ceiling. Which he later does, rendering the entire group temporarily deaf.
    "Trust me, you do not want tinnitus."
  • They try to get Milton for help, but all it does is pop toast in their general direction.
  • Pam chugs an entire 40 and then has to pee.
    • Which she does... But she can't get it back in the bottle and it goes everywhere. Archer wants to use Cyril's Sweater vest to mop up the urine, but stops after he is informed that it is cashmere.
    Cyril: Are you crazy?! That's cashmere!
    Archer: Wh-- Oh, my god! Sorry! (hands the vest back to Cyril)
    Lana: What? Is it non-absorbent?
    Archer: Lana, it's cashmere, there are rules!
  • "What is this? Soviet Russia?!"
  • Ray manages to get a signal on his phone by sticking it right out of the elevator and uses it to call 911. The operator confuses Ray for a woman and insists that being stuck in an elevator is not an emergency, she then blocks his number after he attempts to call back.
  • Pam takes off her skirt to mop up the urine... revealing that she is not wearing any underwear.
  • Archer pulled some prank that caused Ray's phone call to be routed to the seemingly out-of-order elevator phone instead of Malory's phone. This finally causes the rest of the cast to snap and they start attacking Archer.
  • After Malory gets to the building, she manages to get the elevator unstuck, and finds the rest of the cast in various states of undress (with Cyril just jackin' it) in the middle of either committing violence or having sex, with "TOUCHABLE" written on the wall in blood. Lana accuses her of rigging the elevator to get stuck as a team building exercise, but she reveals that the exercise was that they were just going to watch the movie Vision Quest.
  • More of a Meta example, but keep in mind the episode is happening in real-time, meaning the cast descended into madness in the span of 20-minutes.

  • Pam taking A.J. and going into feral Mama Bear mode, leaping from desk to desk like King Kong. Also, "Pam! Baby!" immediately beforehand.
  • "Reloading! ....I should probably stop saying that out loud."
  • " Goddamnit, why is it going up?!"
  • Cyril complains that he, Cheryl, Pam, Ray, and Krieger can't have one poker game without a hate crime. Cheryl protests, saying that the incident that happened last month (with her shoving a gun in Pam's mouth and threatening to "straight flush your brains out the back of your skull") wasn't a hate crime, just a regular crime.

  • Archer asking Cheryl/Carol for a ride. She offers to give him a plane ticket, however:
    Archer: *struggling with several attendants and drunkenly pounding on the cockpit door* I want to fly the plane!
    • Then she offers to give him a train ticket:
    Archer: *in a near-identical flashback* I want to fly the train!
    Cheryl: Wow, I didn't know they had a no-train list.
  • After beating the tar out of four Air Force personnel (who were about to shoot him):
    Archer: "Not to knock the Air Force, but it's a good thing you have airplanes."

    "The Kanes" 
  • Archer meets Lana's parents. Hilarity Ensues.
    • The highlight is when he misconstrues an invitation to the Kane Family Reunion as an offer to have a three-way with her parents.
      • Kinda hard to blame considering they gave it while in a hot tub with him, buck naked, demanding HE be naked, AND giving the invite in somewhat sultry voices while dropping VERY mixed signals.
  • "Not in my Mustang, you don't!" which hopefully will go down as one of Keith David's best lines.
  • Archer being deeply astonished at the potential value of Dr. Kane's research and saying that it's a miracle nobody's tried to kill him already.
  • Archer's Hypocritical Humor of complaining about the gunmen shooting an American classic (a 1968 Mustang Fastback), while he's returning fire at their same year Dodge Charger RT. Then he sarcastically suggests they teabag Dr. Seuss.
  • Also:
    Lemuel: Lana Anthony Kane!
    Lana: Okay so-
    Archer (Archer laughing): Anthony!
    Lana: After Susan B.
    Archer: Oh, right, our ugliest president.
  • Discovering that the mysterious men who stole Dr. Kane's research are Slater and CIA agents.
    Slater: Well, we didn't know you were there, which was obviously an operational error, Ethan.
    (one of the masked mooks looks down sheepishly and kicks a rock on the road.)
    Archer: Yeah, Ethan.
  • At the end of the episode, Lana apologizes to Archer for some of the things she'd said earlier, resulting in a few moments of silence, broken by...
    Archer: I'm sorry I tried to spit-roast your mom.

    "Pocket Listing" 
  • About every time the dart gun gets used.
  • A bit of Black Comedy, but Ray's fight with the carnivorous plant, which costs him his lower right arm
    Ray: [having stabbed the plant to death with a trowel] Well, I guess I've gotta "hand" it to you! Ahahahahaha!
  • Cheryl's pseudonym for her realtor charade is Ms. Escrow. And then Archer's pseudonym is Butler the butler.
    "Believe me, I've heard all the jokes."
  • Even better, Cheryl slipping into little personal recollections about her deranged ancestors as she escorts the Queen and Prince around the mansion:
    "Bringing us to the formal dining room, which seats 80, with plenty of room for servants to skulk around. Ladling turtle soup into sterling silver bowls, their sullen eyes downcast as grandmama makes a joke about chopping off their hands if they spill even a single drop, like we used to do in the Belgian Congo."

    "The Tunt Conservatory is home to the world's second largest collection of carnivorous plants, the shame of which drove the current owners' eccentric great-uncle, Theophilus Tunt, to commit suicide. Or maybe it was just the syphilis. We may never know..."

    Archer: Carol, I'm assuming all the bedrooms are connected to secret passages?
    Cheryl: Yeah, so that at night grandfather could...look in on the children." Everyone: Ew!
    • As much as she hates kids, even Cheryl gets disturbed by that one mid-sentence.

  • Archer making fun of Lana thinking she caused Fawad to have a stroke because she's so hot, but then being unable to finish his sentence when he himself gets a look at her post-natal-yoga body. And the ensuing erection noise.
    • This is after she stated her intentions to, "break her pussy off on that sweet Prince Fawad," her words, and when he collapses.
      Lana: Hello? Prince? Look, kid, I know I've been crushing the post natal yoga, but seriously.
    • Subsequently, their heated arguing before both of them just give up and furiously make out.
    • And Krieger is watching the whole thing on the CCTV cameras, because of course he is.

    "Reignition Sequence" 
  • Cheryl’s entire plan to get Sterling and Lana break up, with an illustrative flip-book. It's like a new high point (low point?) of insanity for her.
    • "We hire somebody to kidnap their fat, gross baby. There's this huge man/baby hunt. It's in all the newspapers; on the wireless America's going ape-shit, THEN, we double-cross the kidnapper who we obviously paid in easily traceable gold certificates. We plant a shit-load of dicey evidence in his garage, tip off the cops, he's basically convicted of being German, and BERZAPT!- dirt nap for the kraut, compliments of Old Sparkey!
    • And her explanation of where Abijean gets sent to...
      • "The child is sent to Bhutan, where for the next twenty years she's raised and trained as an assassin by Ra's al-Ghul before returning to destroy those who once betrayed her."
      Cheryl:"Yes!...But it buys us time."
  • "Lost valet. Answers to the name Woodhouse. Responsible for my meals, dressing, grooming. Needs medicine: Heroin."
    • Archer returning home and wondering aloud if Woodhouse might actually have died, and resolves to check the obituaries in the newspaper. Realising that he doesn't have a newspaper (because Woodhouse always sees to that), he takes a voice memo to remind himself to remind Woodhouse to buy the newspaper...before breaking off, realising he's just setting up a feedback loop for himself.
  • The discussion of how annoying Krieger's virtual girlfriend can be, though it's fairly Black Comedy.
    Pam: I mean ... how do you not murder her every day?
    Krieger: (haunted) ... I do.
  • "I'll always have a special place for you in my heart, and obviously my slideshow."
  • Archer's Oh, Crap! at the end when Lana discovers what's in his sink. If you're savvy enough you probably guess what it is before she does, making the eventual epic Armor-Piercing Question even funnier.
    So... WHY IS THERE A VAGINA IN THE SINK!!!!!!!!!!!!

    "Archub Y Morfilod" 
  • Ray's new hand is black (and probably Conway's).
  • Lana and Archer's furious argument in the farmhouse, culminating in her yelling the immortal phrase:

    "Drastic Voyage" arc 
  • Malory proves she takes Black Comedy up to its zenith when she lets AJ play with an ashtray. The nameless officer who was using it before he knew AJ was present is completely horrified.
    Malory: The sooner she learns about cigarettes, the better. This little pudge-pop's going to need all the help she can in the battle of the bulge.
    • And throughout the second part, she refuses to give AJ any food in order to get her to slim down. Lana definitely made the right call in regards to who'd become her guardians if Lana and Archer die.
  • Slater gives up and just decides to include Pam and Cheryl in the mission since they always seem to find a way to sneak on board anyway.
  • During the mission briefing, Archer constantly trolls Slater to the point where he gets threatened.
    Slater: You know what I don't have time for?!
    Archer: *looks disdainfully at Slater's t-shirt* Shopping for clothes?
    Slater: You know what this is?! *threatens Archer with his fist*
  • Archer is playing Operation (ostensibly to learn about the human body, but really just to piss Slater off):
    Archer: Why the hell would this guy have an oil can in his -
    Lana: Elbow grease.
    Archer: Wow, it's pun for the whole family.
  • Unsurprisingly, Archer demands to be captain of the ship, a job that goes to Ray due to him being the only one with a pilots license. Archer then demands to be co-captain, and backs it up with his astronaut training which he thinks is relevant because "we'll all be weightless". When asked if he has EVER seen a submarine movie, he lists off several, but then still has to be told that submarine travel does not include zero gravity.
  • Cheryl remarking that she'll use the $1 million she gets to buy an orphanage...and bulldoze with the kids inside for shits and giggles.
    Cheryl [mockingly]: Waaah! Porridge! Waaah!
  • Krieger's wealth of woefully out-of-date medical knowledge, starting with phrenology.
    Krieger: Well, you won't bleed him, you won't cup him, you won't divine his humors. For all you charlatans know, this poor man is both phlegmatic and bilious!
  • Cyril goes off on an insane tangent about Ray's transplanted hand having a mind of its own, and will end up strangling male prostitutes and posing them in grotesque parodies of Mentos ads.
    Cyril: You know, the FRESHMAKER!
  • The crew is just about ready to embark on their "Fantastic Voyage" Plot.
    Slater: You guys ready to make history?
    Cyril: I'm ready to make a million dollars.
    Slater: Close enough! Okay, let's light this candle!
    [cut to Kreiger lighting a literal candle in the man's ear]
  • In the most morbid way possible, Archer shows that, yes, he has an absolute no regard for his own mortality. Doubles as a Tear Jerker.
  • While the air chamber of the Nerius is being purged of blood, it won't be able to move. Archer lampshades the design flaw. Also witness how Archer and Pam spend their time waiting for the chamber to be purged - he gets extremely bored and Pam goes from drinking the blood to having a mental breakdown.
  • Slater's zinger to Dr. Sklodowska regarding Archer is priceless.
    Dr. Sklodowska: Look, I'm a sexual being. If that is shocking to you, then so be it.
    Slater: It's not. I was just gonna tell you that he's had the clap so many times it's more like applause.
  • When Ray gets crippled (again), Cyril's left in charge of the sub, which elicits several groans over the headset.
    Cyril: Now's the perfect time... not like you haven't dreamed about it. Just crash the sub and kill them, Cyril.

Season 7

     The Figgis Agency 
  • Cyril enjoying himself immensely because California law allows him to get a private investigator's license due to his law degree while everyone else is stuck working for him. Cyril enjoys rubbing this in Archer's face.
  • The Overly Long Gag of Archer tumbling down the hill at the lawyer's villa. The whole sequence lasts over a minute and gets more absurd and funny the longer it goes on. Twice.
    Archer: Eat a dick, gravity. (Groans)
  • Archer's hilariously deadpan reaction to the ads Pam printed out for their new business. When we see one at the end, it features a ridiculous-looking basset hound wearing a detective's hat and holding a magnifying glass in its mouth as the agency's new mascot.
    Pam: *giggles* His name is Furlock Bones!
    Archer: *Death Glare*
  • When planning to break into a house, Ray mentions that they'll have to go in through the back entrance. Everyone immediately stares at Archer, expecting him to say "Phrasing!", but he simply says, "No, you all took it for granted."
  • Ray is in a wheelchair for most of the episode until Archer assigns him the job of breaking into the safe. In response he reluctantly agrees before standing up.
    • The fact that he apparently had no need of the chair and no-one commenting on it means that he was in the wheelchair at the start of the season for the sake of the Running Gag.
  • Archer wants to take his Magnum, P.I. inspired sports car to Shapiros mansion, only for the fuel pump to be busted. He can't get it fixed because the warranty is in Italian.
  • The Casual Danger Dialogue of Ray and Lana while breaking into Shapiro's home discusses an earlier Brick Joke about porn star names.
  • Archer gets mauled by Shapiro's rottweiler guard dogs. What makes it extra funny is that both of them ignore Lana and Ray and just make a beeline for Archer, AND Ray refuses to shoot them because he thinks they're cute. (He couldn't anyway, Lana didn't bring any guns specifically because it wasn't a kill mission).
    Archer: AAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!
    Lana: Archer, quiet!!
    Archer: *lowered voice* aaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!
  • After they get the disk from the safe, the team is caught by Shapiro. How do you ask? He noticed the blood trail Archer made after getting savaged by the guard dogs.
  • As Archer, Lana, and Ray are escaping, Archer is unconcerned about being shot at because Shapiro and his goons are using silencers, which weaken the bullets. Then...
    Shapiro: GRENADE!
    Ray: Why does a divorce lawyer have grenades?
    Archer: Because they're terrible people!

     The Handoff 

  • At the start of the group meeting, Archer is accused of having an "old lady fetish" for his attraction to Veronica Deane. Malory then orders Krieger to move away from her, which he can't do... because his leg's asleep.
    Pam: And you have an erection.
    Krieger: Also. Yes.
    • Later in the meeting, Cyril tells off Lana for relying on the previous No Such Thing as H.R.note .
      Cyril: You're no longer on Malory's teat.
      Groans of disgust from everyone else at the visual
      Krieger: sigh Never gonna be able to stand up.
  • Cheryl's gag about working on a pirate ship.
  • The Running Gag of Cheryl slapping Pam, only for Pam to punch Cheryl out. Even funnier when it's clear Cheryl is really enjoying it.
    • The last time, she was going to slap Malory, but turned around and hit Pam again instead.
    • The spinning chair gag in general, especially when Milton starts doing it.
  • Cyril almost blows the fact that they were the ones who stole the disc in the last episode by mentioning that he already knows that Shapiro is Veronica Deane's attorney. Malory covers it up by claiming that Cyril is autistic and has a photographic memory.
  • While waiting in the trunk of the limo for Lana and Shapiro to make an exchange with a biker gang, Archer starts thinking up trunk-related name puns.
  • The briefcase of bearer bonds Shapiro was going to give the bikers turns out to be full of the Furlock Bones agency flyers Pam had made in the previous episode.
  • Archer's "voicemail hoax", featuring the (completely real) sounds of Archer going One-Man Army on a biker gang while the rest of the Agency listen on in boredom.
    • When it cuts back to Archer, having completely destroyed them, including one biker somehow having been killed with arrows, he's suddenly naked for no discernible reason.
    • They only realize it's not a prank when crickets start chirping in the background after several minutes of silence
    Mallory: My God! He actually trained crickets!
    • Although two seasons ago, he completely rewired Cheryl's mansion to accompany a voicemail hoax, so the funny thing is, that's not outside the realm of possibility.
  • Archer asks how Lana and Shapiro (both dressed all in white) screwed up a simple handoff. Lana replies that Shapiro didn't have the money he was supposed to.
    Archer: [gesturing with a shovel] Senator Stay Puft, rebuttal?
  • Cyril lists the pros and cons of their first mission. He is ecstatic to mention how much he loved Archer getting stabbed.
  • Malory initially refuses to call Archer over his voicemail pranks, saying she doesn't care if they're being fed into a woodchipper. Cut to the bikers driving the limo (with Lana, Shapiro, and unbeknownst to them, Archer inside) past a woodchipper.
  • Archer remarks he only killed some of the bikers because they tried to woodchipper him.
    Archer: Although, to be fair, if you open what you think is an empty trunk and suddenly there's a guy in there, you're gonna overreact. Kind of like that time I walked into that motel room and it was full of seagulls. God, Myrtle Beach is a trainwreck.
  • Ray thinks he's going undercover as a biker. His costume includes ass-less chaps.
  • While they're held prisoner by the bikers, Shapiro finds out it was Archer and Lana who broke into his mansion and stole the disc, so he keeps trying to kick Archer. Unfortunately, he's tied to a pipe, and he's too short to reach, and Archer keeps whacking him on the head with a shovel to make him stop. After Archer insults Lana's thighs, she kicks him in the crotch and Shapiro thanks her.
  • When the rest of the crew shows up to rescue Archer, Lana, and Shapiro, Archer is still naked.
    Malory: Why are you naked?
    Archer: It's after Labor Day!
  • After being tied up, the lead biker threatens to hunt them down.
    Shapiro: [whacks him with a shovel] Tell it to the cops, shitbird! [tucks his business card into the guy's pocket] Although obviously never speak to the police without an attorney present.
  • We find out that the tranquilizers Ray fed Shapiro's guard dogs gave them severe diarrhea, and we're given a detailed description of how shit-caked Shapiro's mansion ended up, not to mention it got mixed with the blood Archer left. Apparently he had to threaten his maid with deportation to clean it up.
  • At the end, Pam thinks that they're going to divide their fee up in equal shares, not understanding that they're salaried employees.
    Malory: What do you think this is, a pirate ship?

     Deadly Prep 

  • Archer runs into two of his old bullies from his prep school days. While their bullying of him crosses into Dude, Not Funny! territory, their blase attitude about it in present day is definitely Black Comedy, especially their reaction to finding out giving him a beating followed by a swirly gave Archer pneumonia and put him in the hospital.
    Archer: I spent freshman year in the hospital!
    Ivy: From what, AIDS?
    Archer: I had pneumonia!
    Ivy: From what, complications from AIDS?
  • Cyril's revenge fantasy against Archer. With him as Buffalo Bill.
    Cyril: It puts the lotion in the basket...
  • While cowering from gunfire, Cyril and Archer engage in an almost The Three Stooges-like act.
    Archer: *smacks Cyril with his gun*
    Cyril: OW!
    Archer: Hahaha! *gets clipped in the arm by a bullet from outside* OW!
    Cyril: Hahaha! *Archer smacks him again* OW!
  • Malory takes Archer's phone away from him as punishment for what she thought was a voicemail hoax in the previous episode.
  • Lana getting arrested for stalking the headmaster of a prep school she wanted AJ to get into. She was actually trying to reconcile with him after Mallory blew the application interview. At the end of the episode, Archer is visiting her in jail to talk to her about AJ going to public school instead, since his prep school experience was so awful.
    Archer: Plus with the restraining order, you wouldn't be able to go within 500 feet of the school so I'd be stuck doing drop-offs and pickups and you know, I'm not doing that.

     Motherless Child 
  • When we first see Barry, he's dressed like The Invisible Man.
    • Which, naturally, leads Archer to utter his most jerkass line yet.
      Barry: Hey, I'm coming to you as a man, here.
      Archer: No you're not! You're coming to me as a... robot-mummy. Oh my God, who's—
      Barry: Archer, no!
      Archer: Who's got—
      Barry: Don't you say it!
      Archer: No mummy!
      Barry: Okay, so now we're doing this. (Dumps Archer out of the moving car)
  • When Barry shows up at the office, Archer decides to shoot him, to no effect.
    Barry: Yeah, so, uh, you wanna throw it at me now? You know, like the old-timey Superman mov-- (Archer throws his gun at Barry's bandaged face) That was obviously sarcasm.
  • The password to the California state records database is guest.
  • Cheryl has her best "You're not my supervisor!" outburst yet.
    Cheryl: Then why does Archer get to do whatever he wants plus morphine when you're not even my robot supervisor?!
    • She then spends the rest of the episode hitting on Barry, for obvious reasons. Even he's a little taken aback by this, as he'd murdered her one time.
  • The opening where Archer stumbles out of a bar drunk off his ass, holding a tinfoil swan full of crab Rangoon. When he sees his car has been clamped, he tries to shoot off the tire lock.
  • Ron didn't even wake up while Barry kidnapped Mallory, and doesn't even notice she's gone until he tries to work the coffee machine the next morning.
  • Archer attempts to shoot his way out of the taxi Barry trapped him in, but of course, the window separating the passengers seats from driver is made of bulletproof glass, just leading to Archers signature hearing loss.
  • Barry painted "ARCHER IS TO BLAME FOR THIS" on the wall of the room Mallory is trapped in. To which Mallory's response is
    "Although, no matter who or what ends up killing me you could probably paint that on the wall."
  • The gang are all furiously working to try and find Barry's mother:
    Barry: Let's go, people, the clock is ticking. Tick tock, tick tock.
    Ray: [sotto voce] Name something a clock would say.
    Lana: Barry, you could, ya know, help!
    Barry: [chuckling] I'm too wound up!
    Ray: [sotto voce again] Name something a clock would—
    Lana: RAY!

     Bel Panto, Part 1 
  • Cheryl's Sustained Misunderstanding that they're actually in an Encyclopedia Brown mystery.
  • Shapiro getting increasingly angry over the groups poor job at keeping an eye on Veronica and the jewels they're supposed to be protecting, since they mostly just stand around and snipe at each other.
  • Pam complaining that she, Ray and Cyril got stuck going undercover as servers at the party while Cheryl, Krieger, Archer and Lana got to come as guests.
    Cheryl: You can't put lipstick on a pig.
    Lana: While I wouldn't put it THAT harshly-
    Krieger: Oh you CAN put lipstick on a pig, they don't care about that. Its when you try to put mascara on them that it becomes this big deal.
  • The party is a benefit gala for curing a certain disease. That disease? Tinnitus.
  • Malory is visibly jealous of Lana attracting the attention of Ellis Crane, a big-time movie producer, and plans to go over there herself.
    Cyril: Jealous. Hey, how's Ron?
    Malory: He's great. How's nobody?
    (Cut to Cheryl laughing at Cyril's expense)
    Cyril: I (censored) you on a blimp!
    Cheryl: *keeps laughing for a few seconds then gasps* Oh my God, that's right! ...whatever happened to blimps anyway?
  • Cheryl is unimpressed by Shapiro ordering them around:
    Cheryl: Whatever, Pocket Tony Montana. [gasps excitedly] Wait! Tiny Montana!
  • After the party is crashed by robbers wearing clown masks and jumpsuits, Archer prepares to jump one and steal his outfit so he can take down the robbers, only to complain when the guy he's closest to has a pink jumpsuit and the lamest mask.
  • When Veronica asks if Archer learned his skills in the army, he just laughs, then goes off on a tangent about how he means no disrespect to the troops, but they're so criminally underpaid he'd never consider that line of work. Also, seems like too much running for his taste.
  • After Archer sets out on a mission.
    Archer: Now if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna go kill some evil clowns. (faint sound of cloth being stretched)
    Veronica: you have an erection?
    Archer: No. (beat) No.
  • The episode ends with Cheryl, naturally, deciding she's got Stockholm Syndrome and making overt passes at the lead hostage-taker.

     Bel Panto Part II 

  • Cheryl's continued infatuation with Mr. Rompers, to the point of painting herself with clown makeup in the hopes of attracting him.
    Cheryl: I'm so turned on, I think I'm actually getting dehydrated.
  • Lana and Pam both decide to knock out a robber and take his costume, just like Archer did in the previous episode, which Mallory guesses he had done. Problem is, they end up running into each other in the gym, and not knowing that the others had the same idea, get into a three-way brawl that only ends when Archer drops a barbell weight on Pam's foot and they recognize her "holy shitsnacks" catchphrase.
  • After the heist fails, the robbers forces the hostages to switch clothes with them and escapes, leaving Archer and the gang to be shot with beanbags by the SWAT team.
  • The green clown randomly slapping the shit out of Cyril for no reason. It makes Lana think he's Archer in disguise. He's not.
  • Pam knocking out the yellow clown and stuffing him in the fridge.
  • The poor band is STILL playing.
    Cheryl: Jesus! No wonder Mozart went deaf!
    Mr. Rompers: (Dramatic Gun Cock) I swear to God, one more word out of you, and you'll... have to have your brain's mail forwarded to the ceiling!
    Cheryl: (Gasp, sighs lustily)
    Mr. Shapiro: That was technically not a word.
  • The Manchild cop outside who thinks knock-out gas is an actual thing.
    • The end of the situation reveals that they weren't actually supposed to be in charge.
  • The ending where the cast are beaten and bruised, with several of them bandaged or on crutches, talking about how much beanbags hurt.
    Ray: How is that a toy for kids?!
    Cyril: Good thing the police don't shoot lawn darts.
    • And Shapiro dives in to perform Taking the Bullet for Veronica Deane... and the beanbag, naturally, hits his "beanbags", much to Archer's amusement - until he gets nailed in the face with one, causing Lana to laugh and immediately get hit with one. And all in slow-motion.
      Cheryl: (Still in Slow-Mo) This was my... third best birthday.

     Double Indecency 

  • Mallory's reaction when Archer tells her that the guys are going to a strip club to celebrate Cyril's birthday:
    Send my regards to all the molestees.
  • When the two separate teams encounter each other at the Swindon Hotel:
    Archer: Wait, what are you all doing here?
    Mallory: Lunch?
    Archer: It’s 5:30.
    Mallory: ...Dunch?
  • After Cyril explains Cuckold Fetish Porn (a married couple consents to adultery against each other in the same hotel at the same time, and then they go home and watch the tapes together):
    Pam: God damn! I wish I was married!
  • During the climatic bar fight, Archer gets choked by a henchman. It looks like Krieger is going to karete chop the henchman...only for him to just hold that pose before walking off while doing more air karate.
  • The revelation at the end that Cheryl intentionally messed up the office notes to get everyone in trouble.

     Deadly Velvet Part II 

  • At the end of the episode, when it is revealed that Archer really WAS the one dead in the pool and that his Cyborg had been the one fooling everyone, they are all shocked and saddened... Except for Krieger, who is ecstatic that one of his Cyborgs had literally everyone (even himself) fooled that it was the real Archer.
    Krieger: SUCK IT, ALAN TURING!

Season 8 (Archer Dreamland)

     No Good Deed 

  • While it doubles as a Tear Jerker, the season opens on what seems to be Archer's funeral, but nope, turns out it's actually Woodhouse who has finally died (presumably of old age). Archer himself is on a coma, dreaming that he's a 1947 noir detective.
    • Oh, and keeping with the shows running gag about its timeline, the date of Woodhouse's death is blocked out by the funeral wreath.
  • Dreamland!Archer is trying to find out who killed Dreamland!Woodhouse, and he interogates the latter's heroin dealer (Krieger). When Archer asks if Woodhouse owed him money, Krieger tells him that not only did he not owe money, he paid in advance.
    Archer: Yeah, he wasnt great with money.
    Krieger: Right? I mean who tips their dope dealer?
    Archer: Okay, so one of two things is gonna happen- *gets punched across the alley*
    Krieger: Wonder what the other thing was.
  • Dreamland!Malory (a mobster) wants to hire Archer to help take down her biggest rival, Len Trexler.
    Archer: You want me to help you make a move on LEN TREXLER?! The guy who's hobby it is to dissolve people in acid?!
    Malory: Oh, he doesnt do the actual dissolving, that would be his enforcer, Dutch Dylan (Dreamland!Barry).
    Archer: I don't care who does the dissolving!!
  • When Malory tells him she thought he had guts, Archer tells her he'd like to keep them inside himself, not dissolving in a drum of acid with his shoes and feet and face.
  • Archer doing his own noir-y voiceover while driving. Turns out he's actually telling it to a stray dog he picked up.
  • When Archer finds an LAPD car on the docks (it's actually Pam's), he carves a dick into the paint with his keys.
  • Archer and Pam getting into an argument about whether or not the term "white slavery" is racist.

  • Charlotte Vandertunt. Taking Cheryl's regular insanity, and turning it up a notch.
    • For starters, it's implied she once hired a hoodoo priestess to try and resurrect her grandmother, and every year on said grandmother's birthday her family likes to remind her of it. And her father supposedly instigated the Spanish Civil War because he slept with his sister. And the best part is absolutely everything that Charlotte reveals about her family is completely within the realm of possibility with the real Cheryl given how insanely messed up the Tunts are.
  • How quasi-incestuous are the Vandertunts? About a 4.
    Archer: Out of what?
  • The poor dead maid who Cheryl plans to use to fake her own death. When Archer asked if Cheryl killed her, she's aghast and denies it, saying that it was her brother, then backpedals and says that technically the drunk abortionist killed her but if the maid had refused to get an abortion her father would have killed her personally.
  • Getting the body through the lobby somehow reduces the thing to flaming, trashed warzone.
  • When Cheryl figures out Archer's crush on Lana, she prods him a friendly way to admit it. When he does...
    Cheryl: Me and him? WE JUST FUCKED!
    • What especially sells it is how utterly mortified and speechless Archer is.
  • Len Trexler tells Dutch Dylan to pull himself back together, after Dutch's feet were severed by Archer crushing his ankles. Trexler quickly admits it was a poor choice of words as Dutch bursts into tears.
    • What's even funnier is the way that Trexler comforts the crying Dutch like a sick child. Especially since Dutch was portrayed as an unflappable psycho in the previous episode.
  • Trexler yelling at Cyril over Archer saving the slaves in the previous episode. When Cyril offers to give Trexler back the bribe he paid him...
    Trexler: I dont WANT the MONEY! That is why I exchanged it for goods and/or services which is the core concept of economics!!
  • Where did Poovey stash the rescued slaves? In their apartment.
  • A mysterious car runs down Archer on the side of the road, the same car that Cheryl had noticed tailing them with their headlights off. Was it Trexlers men? Nope, turns out it was just a random couple with a car with broken headlights.

    Jane Doe 
  • While Archer is in jail, he ends up sharing his cell with Ray and the orchestra from Mallory's nightclub. Turns out, they got busted for smoking a reefeer cigarette. Better, it was Ray's fault they got busted (he yelled at them for hogging the reefer and a cop overheard). Even BETTER, this is the SECOND TIME the exact same thing happened to them.
  • The bit where Archer tries to justify being the one to put on the unconscious cops uniform as a disguise, despite it being atleast three sizes too big, and a perfect fit for one of the band members. This leads to a debate about the segregation of the armed forces and the menial tasks black servicemen were forced into.
    • After Archer finally agrees to let the band member be the cop, he demands that he gets the uniform of the next cop who shows up... only for the next cop to be way too tall and lanky to fit Archer, but is a perfect fit for one of the OTHER band members.
    • After they got arrested, Ray gave a fake name to the arresting officer. The name? Phil Mccracken, the name Archer made up for him during Season 5.
  • Charlotte going batshit insane after 30 minutes in solitary. Specifically, she assumed she had been locked up for decades because the black band members were disguised as police officers, and she thought that would only be possible in the far future, only for the other characters to point out that the LAPD racial barrier had already been broken at that point. She immediatly returns to her normal level of insanity.
  • While escaping the station, the cast tries to lie about a prison transfer to another cop outside, despite everyone being beaten and bloody from getting into a fight with Pam down by the cells.
  • After Lana's band is arrested, she attempts to do a stand-up routine. Revolving entirely around syphilis.
  • Mallory wonders where the hell Krieger is instead of manning the bar. Turns out he's busy kidnapping Dutch Dillon from the hospital so he can give him robot legs.

  • After conking Figgis, Archer decides to stuff him in a morgue drawer naked. Cut to him and Poovey is stunned horror/amazement at his Gag Penis.
  • Krieger's cyborg cat does nothing except lick itself, much to the frustration of his original Nazi employers, especially since this was all he had made in three years of research. Except not really, Krieger had secretly been sabotaging the German war effort and killing all the super soldiers he made with poison injections. When he's found out, he sics a pack of vicious cyborg dogs on his overseers. Why? Kriger is actually JEWISH
  • Malory tells Archer that he should bring a finger to Cheryl's brother to prove he has her, and Archer naturally refuses. Sure enough, he ends up demanding a finger (because Cyril called at the same time pretending to be the kidnapper so he could get the ransom money). After much back and forth stealing a finger from the county morgue, Cecil decides he doesnt need to see the finger after all, much to Archers frustration.

    Sleepers Wake 
  • Dutch's reaction when he leaves Krieger's lab and realizes it's right under the Dreamland nightclub, accessed through a hatch beneath the bar.
    Dutch: Dreamland has a GODDAMN NAZI ROBOT FACTORY in the basement?! In this economy?!
  • Figgis setting his pubes on fire when he wakes up in the morgue drawer.
    • The coroner complains that the smell of Cyril's burning pubes has ruined his "second lunch".
    • After the coroner pisses him off, Cyril gives a long, biblical Badass Boast about coming back to the morgue and raining holy judgement on it. The coroner is comically unimpressed, and just keeps eating his hot dog, stating "I'll be here".
  • Pam saying that the smell of Cyril's burned pubes smells like roasted guinea pig AKA Qui.
    • When Cyril and Pam later goes to Cecil's mansion, sure enough, Cecil is eating a meal of Qui, and goes off on a tangent about how delicious they are, "like all taboos".
    Pam: You're freakin' weird! *mind you, she says this while stuffing her face with Qui*
  • Cecil talking about how inconvenient the million-dollar ransom is to carry, consisting of unmarked $20, $50 and $100 bills which adds up to well over 50 pounds in weight, and points out that an envelope of Salmon's (the rare $10,000 bill which has former U.S Secretary of Treasury Salmon P. Chase on it) would have been so much easier, only for Archer to point out that he'd have no way of spending a $10,000 bill. Cecil then asks what one could possibly spend 20$, and thinks its only worth "a single orange".
  • Krieger's cat wakes him up by licking his face, much to Krieger's disgust due to the cat constantly licking its own asshole.
    Krieger: Ugh, that's my mouth! If I wanted your asshole on my tongue I'd do it while you were asleep!
  • In a scene based on The Terminator, Dutch steals the clothes from a biker, who is clearly based on Marlon Brando's character from The Wild One.
    • And then he rides off triumphantly... only to run straight into a billboard.
    Dutch: (sighs) Goddamn it...
  • Cheryl is baffled that Malory is going to hand her over to her family after the ransom is paid and not keep her in a bomb shelter with limited air and send her family cryptic notes about how to find her in a race against time. When a baffled Malory asks who'd go through all that trouble, Cheryl says "Red Skull in my kidnap/rape fantasy".
  • The Running Gag about Archer picking up someone in his car to give noir-narration to. This time he's actually paid a hooker to listen to him, then refuses to pay her for longer than an hour. When the Car Chase starts, he just gives her Cyril's badge and service gun he stole in the last episode and pushes her out.

    Waxing Gibbous 
  • Cecil continues his abject weirdness. Even weirding out Trinette with his gross role-playing requests.
    • When they arrive at Trexler's mansion, Cecil is telling Trinette about his fondness for Qui.
    Trinette: Ugh, seriously, your family tree must look like a telephone pole!
  • Archer doing his noir-y voiceover again, only to reveal, to his own surprise, that there's no one sitting next to him this time and he'd just been talking in his own head due to being loopy from sleep-deprivation and mixing medications.
  • Malory forces Archer to tell her what happened to the ransom while her Giant Mook is choking him to death, so first he has to pantomime that he wants a paper and pen (to which Cheryl keeps guessing he's saying Palm Reader), and when he finally gets it, he just draws a little picture of two stick figures driving away with the money instead of writing down Cyril's name. Malory finally gives up and has the Mook release Archer before he passes out.
  • Archer STILL hasn't slept since the season started (4 days in-universe) and has to take more of the drugs Cheryl offers him, though unfortunately she's mixed up which drug is which.
  • Pam telling Cyril that as a white, divorced cuckolded male with access to a firearm, statistically speaking he's already dead ala suicide.
  • Undercover IRS agent Lana getting into an argument with Trinette (the hooker Archer threw out of his car in the last episode) about the cases the IRS law enforcement unit has solved. Lana first brings up Al Capone dying in prison because of them (which he didn't, he died after being released), with Trinette pointing out that syphilis killed him. Lana then brings up the Lindbergh baby case.
    Trinette: Oh yeah, I'm sure they were thrilled to get their dead baby back.
  • "You make being kidnapped just awful!"
  • Trinette insisting that the glove compartment is called the "potato compartment" and she even asks Cecil what he calls it to settle the argument with Lana. He also calls it the potato compartment.
  • Archer thinks that the source of the massive blood smears in Trexler's mansion is from a werewolf due to the full moon.

    Grammercy, Halberd! 
  • Archer mocking Dutch for his biker clothes, and getting his ass kicked when Dutch realizes that Archer was the one who ran over his legs in the first episode of the season.
    Dutch: You turned me into a freak!
    Archer: I think you're confusing me with your personal shopper. What are you wearing? You look like- *PUNCH*
    • When the characters try to shoot Dutch, the bullets keep ricocheting off him metal arms, and hits Cecil. THREE times!! Understandably, he's not in very good shape when they flee the mansion.
    Trinette: Did you eat a bunch of magnets?!
    • Archer slapping Trexler with a raw steak to get him to snap him out of hysteria, them slaps him twice more just for giggles.
  • Dutch trashing Trexler's kitchen with a halberd while looking for him and Archer.
    Trexler: Cant have anything nice!
  • The Running Gag about the characters being surprised about Lana being an undercover IRS agent.
    Cyril/Pam/Archer: Whaaaat?
    Cecil: Right?
    • Related to that, people keep thinking that "t-man" (treasury agent) is slang for "transvestite".
    Archer: Okay, but I'm almost certain that's an insulting phrase for-
    Lana: For the last time, I AM NOT A TRANSVESTITE!!
    Archer: Well, probably not the last time...
  • Trexler lampshading Archers continued use of prescription drugs to stave off pain and exhaustion.
    Trexler: Should you be doing that?
    Archer: Probably not.
  • Cyril's "supressing FIIIIIRE" Running Gag hits a new low as he completely misses Dutch who's only a few feet away at the time and right in front of him.
  • Archer backing into Dutch with his car.
    Archer: Eat a dick, Gort!

  • Some of the blackest Black Comedy in show history, as Lana just keeps on getting shot by Archer's gun.
  • The hilariously anti-climactic reveal about who killed Woodhouse: Dutch did it, basically just For the Evulz. And because Woodhouse cut him off in traffic. There was no conspiracy behind his death
    • Not to mention the massive Hand Wave about what was in the envelope that got stolen. It's not actually revealed, but Archer figures it was probably just Woodhouses will.
    • At Woodhouse's grave, Archer leaves some heroin as a tribute (and hopes some kids wont walk by and eat it). And a rock, like in Jewish tradition. He doesnt know if Woodhouse actually WAS jewish or not, they never talked about it.
  • When Dutch attacks the cast in Dreamland, Krieger begs him to stop, saying that he could use his power for good. Dutch points out how ridiculous that expectation is, since he was a remorseless murderer BEFORE becoming a cyborg, and hasnt gotten any nicer in the meantime.
  • After all the fighting and back and forth over the ransom money, it turns out there's not even any money in it! Cecil just stuffed it full of weird German incest fetish porn.
    • Oh, and for some reason, he and Trinette are getting married in the hospital.
  • On the ride to Dreamland, Archer gets sick of everyone griping, so he ties them up and stuff socks in their mouths. Cyril points out that it's weird that Archer has so much rope in his car.
    Lana: Besides rapists?
    Archer: Uh, mountain climbers?!
    Lana: Climbing up to their mountaintop rape sheds.
    Trexler: Are the victims already up there? *Cut Away to everyone having socks in their mouths*
  • When Dutch hijacks a car, claiming that he's "commendeering" it, the driver asks if he's a cop. Dutch just incredulously points out his blood-splattered biker outfit.
    Dutch: Do I LOOK like a cop?!
  • When Zirk is fighting Kriegers cyborg dogs, Krieger begs them to be spared because they're all he has left of his life's work. When his cyborg cat meows off-screen, Krieger yells at it that it doesnt count.

Season 9 (Archer: Danger Island)

     Strange Pilot 

     Disheartening Situation 

     Different Modes of Preparing Fruit 

     A Warrior In Costume 

     Strange Doings in the Taboo Groove 

     Some Remarks On Cannibalism 

     Comparative Wickedness Of Civilized and Unenlightened Peoples 

     A Discovery 

Season 10 (Archer: 1999)

    Bort the Garj 


     Running Jokes 
  • "And that's why we can't have nice things"
  • Lana? Lana? Lana? LAAAANAAAAAA!
    • WHAT?
      • ...Danger Zone!
      • Small Miracles!
      • 'Dungeness' Crab? Because we're in a dungeon? I'm kidding, crab rangoon
      • And the subversion in Season 4.
      • And the variant in the Season 5 finale: Baby? Baby? Baby? BABYYYY-
  • "Eat a dick, (insert person's name, location, or force of nature here)."
  • Lana's freakishly large hands (and they're freakishly strong)
    • She holds down a helicopter that Conway was escaping in by harpooning his attache case then severs his hand.
    • She pries open Malory's electromagnetically locked door with just her hands.
    • "Wait, is that even a twist top?" "Noooope."
    • Holding Cyril in a Vulcan Death Grip and imitating Darth Vader.
    • Threatening to rip out Pam's shoulders with her bare hands and play Moby Dick on her skull with them.
  • Any mentions of Cheryl's gypsy lady, and the fact that she's accurately predicts the group's routine life-threatening situations down to the most minute details.
    • (Ahem) Wildly inappropriate.
  • Ray losing the use of his legs.
  • Archer's ridiculous "Mulatto Butts!" ringtone going off at the worst possible time
    Black ass mamma! (White ass daddy!)
  • Archer's complex, confusing, multi-layered answering machine messages.
    • Malory eventually pulls this on Archer.
    • He goes so far as to use complex electrical engineering tricks to wire his phone's voicemail into Cheryl's mansion's electrical system to trigger a giant laser light show and a thundering dub-step voicemail recording. Because.
  • Phrasing BOOM!
  • "Oh, you were serious?"
  • "Are we not saying 'phrasing' anymore?"
  • The Running Gag of someone being given multiple slaps to the face after said person does or says something stupid.
  • "All right then, then I guess just pout!"
  • Across Season 7: the agency flier that Pam made that Archer despises.
  • Season 8: Cliff, the drummer for Dreamland's band, loves to punctuate people's innuendo in conversations with a rimshot. This annoys Ray to no end.

  • There's a version of the pilot episode on the DVD where Archer is replaced by a velociraptor. It's exactly as silly as it sounds.
  • Archer, Lana, Cyril, Pam, and Malory describing their perfect days.
    • Archer saying the staples: food, drinks, and after meal whores.
    • Lana is interrupted by Archer and she hangs up after she is mocked, with her not even getting to answer the question.
    • Cyril's is Archer dying on the same day as the end of the fiscal year. He keeps describing ways Archer could die.
    • Pam's basically amounts to eat lots of food, watch a movie (or porno), and fuck some guys.
    • Malory first responds with doing charity work and helping others. Then she laughs out loud until the end of the video.
  • Ever wondered what Archer would be like if he had the face of his voice actor? Wonder no more.
  • The trailer for Season Five consists of the cast re-enacting famous scenes from Top Gun, set to "Danger Zone", with Archer as Maverick, Barry as Iceman, Cyril as Goose, Lana as Charlie, and Krieger as Kenny Loggins, among other impersonations. It goes through all the major events of the movie... then suddenly fades out to reveal that Archer's just imagining the whole thing while drunkenly riding one of those rocket things that you find outside of grocery stores. It gets even funnier on multiple viewings as you notice all the little details they threw into the parody, like Archer having the callsign "Duchess" on his helmet, or the locker for "Other Barry", or Archer's jacket having a Babou patch, or the mannequins peeking out from under Krieger's bed...
  • ISIS employee orientation videos.
    • One involves not making eye contact with Malory, because she thinks its a challenge to her power. The first two employees see a paper cutout of her face, and get shocked. The third employee sees Malory at the elevator, her response to the employee fainting:
    Malory: Oh great, this one pissed himself.
  • One of the DVD extras is a segment called Cooking With Archer, where Archer shows off his new kitchen, and invites celebrity chef Alton Brown (He thinks his name is Allen Brown due to a misspelled cue card) to cook Eggs Woodhouse on it. The two end up getting into a massive brawl, which cuts away to a Technical Difficulties sign, which runs for so long that the music has to restart its loop, then back with Brown just putting the finishing touches on the dish in the now ruined kitchen, with Archer rammed through the stove. Then Woodhouse shows up.
    Alton: *sighs* ...I'm Alton Brown.
    Woodhouse: The godfather of rocksteady!
    Alton: THAT'S ALTON ELLIS!!!
  • Conan O'Brien joins Archer in a segment that aired on Conan. Conan exits his studio, animated, and gets in Archer's car. Archer asks Conan to shoot the Russian gangsters chasing because he's too busy driving and browsing Tindr. Conan claims to be familiar with Tindr, but only using it to hire interns.
  • Ask Archer
    • "Dear Archer: You are a stud! Who would play you in a live action movie? - Denise"
      Well, obviously it can only be Burt Reynolds. Duh! Although we need to get an eye surgeon to replace Burt's eyeballs with the steely blue eyes of Mr. Ed Harris... which, though, would leave Ed m blind. But that's fine. Who cares about Ed Harris anymore?
    • "Dear Archer: I own a sandwich cart in Portland, and would like to name a sandwich after you. What's your favorite sandwich? - Schadenfreudian"
      My favorite sandwich, hmm. I guess the filling would be money, and the bread would be two lawyers viciously prosecuting any unauthorized use of my name or likeness. I'm kidding, go nuts. I would just make sure there's ham on it. Oh shit, call it the Ham Page! You know, once we agree on the licensing fee.
    • "Would you rather fight a horse-sized duck or 6 duck-sized horses? JH"
      I'm going to assume that's hypothetical, right? I mean, right? But I'd have to answer neither because a horse-sized duck is too terrifying to contemplate and duck-sized horses? How could fight them? They're too adorable. I mean, seriously, picture them. All trying to eat one apple. Oh my God, that's too cute.
    • "Dear Archer: A) What kind of rug should I use when Disposing of a Body? B) How many bodies would constitute a rampage? - Tyler R"
      Uh, A), I guess whatever rug that particular body happened to fall on, and B), rampages aren't measured by numbers of bodies. What you're thinking of is mass-murder, which is why I'm not super stoked you have my add... I mean, somebody else's address.
    • "Archer: How come you can't ever think of a snappy one liner when you need it? - Aaron"
      Um, Aaron, how come you can't fuck off?
    • "URGENT!! How do I get protein stains out of cashmere?!"
      "Archer: Soak it in club soda, DON'T RUB IT IN! Then get it to a dry cleaners as soon as possible. Cashmere is pretty hard to save from semen stains. I know you said protein, but its pretty obvious that's what it is... unless you meant gravy? In which case, still club soda. You big fat slob."
  • One of the trailers for Kingsman: The Golden Circle has that prick Archer stumble into the Kingsman Tailors shop in London. Hilarity Ensues.
    Eggsy: So this is what passes for "the world's greatest spy" in America. I may need to go there and teach them a lesson. But first, I'm gonna draw a knob on your face.
  • 'Archer' reviews every James Bond film. Truly an Establishing Character Moment for Sterling Mallory Archer.


Example of: