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Film / The VelociPastor

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"Last night was... amazing."
"What are you talking about?"
"The time you turned into a dinosaur and ate someone."

The VelociPastor is a 2019 horror-science fiction-action-comedy in which a priest gains the power to transform into a dinosaur and kill evildoers.

Pastor Doug Jones (Greg Cohan) witnesses his parents' death and is left questioning his faith. During a trip to China to clear his head, he witnesses a woman be mortally wounded by a Ninja. She gives him a mysterious artifact that accidentally infects him when he cuts his hand. Back home again, he begins to feel strange urges which leads to him transforming into a velociraptor. He decides to use his curse for good and unleash his inner beast on evildoers.

Starting out as a 2011 fake trailer that gained a cult following, the filmmakers expanded the idea out to a full motion picture. Shot on a low budget, this intentionally hokey film repeatedly draws attention to its own cheapness and ludicrous premise.



  • Asshole Victim: Doug's first victim is a sleazy mugger, in fact all the villains also count.
  • Epigraph: "Only through the elimination of violence will be finally be able to achieve world peace." - Gandhi. Superimposed over a shot of our hero screaming, covered in blood, and triumphantly holding up the head of the villain.
    • There is no evidence that the quote came from Ghandi. But rather Miami Connection; another hokey, ludicrous, and cheap movie which was super violent but denounced violence.
  • Even Evil Has Standards: When Carol is "killed", the very same ninja who have just "killed" her start weeping as Doug cries for her.
  • Evil Laugh: That go on for minutes.
  • Hooker with a Heart of Gold: Carol.
  • Instant Awesome, Just Add Ninja: Ninjas abound!
  • Ludicrous Gibs: In a flashback, Father Stewart's girlfriend steps on a mine and is instantly liquified.
    Soldier: I don't think we can do anything for her, she's too far gone.
  • Mook Horror Show: Doug's victims are frequently terrified, and for good reason.
  • Secret-Keeper: Doug's prostitute friend Carol.
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  • Special Effects Failure: invokedDone repeatedly for laughs. When Doug's parents are killed in a burning car, the scene simply has white text saying "VFX: car on fire" over an empty chunk of street while he hammily screams in horror.
  • Transformation Horror: Parodied. The transformation is supposed to be horrible In-Universe, but the cheapness of the effects makes it look ridiculous. This is of course, deliberate.


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