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This is a "Wild Mass Guess" entry, where we pull out all the sanity stops on theorizing. The regular entry on this topic is elsewhere. Please see this programme note.
Twilight
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     The Vampires of Twilight 
The "vampires" of Twilight are not vampires, but...

...Aliens. They refer to themselves as "vampires", but they're different from traditional vampires, what with the sparkling skin, absence of protruding fangs, and so forth. It's worth considering whether they're some other kind of immortal creature and are just pretending to be vampires because it sounds more sexy. As for which, the author has said she was much more interested in science fiction than fantasy as a teenager, and her descriptions of vampire biology sound more like aliens than like resurrected corpses.

...Fey. Because sparkly fey makes a lot more sense. And there are evil races of fey that feed off humans.
  • Impossible, fey don't sell YA romance novels.
    • Sure they do - you just can't call them fey. Just market them as fairies. Or elves. Or sparkly angels. Though S. Meyer marketing them as vampires is a special sort of perverse genius.
    • My library's YA section begs to differ. We've got shitty Twilight-style re-imaginings of the fair folk out the wazoo.
      • Second. Fey under numerous names are crawling all over the YA market. Not nearly as swarming as vampires, but still.

...Ghouls They were created by the real vampires to kill other vampires. It go horribly right.

To elaborate: They sparkle so people would think they were angels; Their skin is so hard so even vampires would have problems fighting them; And their "body fluids" are flammable so they could whet rater easily of the corpses.

...Some sort of Snow Creature. They sparkle in the sun (as snow does on a sunny day), they're cold, the sun is supposedly harmful to them (apparently these are snowmen that don't melt in the sun, contrary to popular belief), and fire is deadly to them.

...Humans infected with replicator/Asuran nanobots. Think about it: Forks, Washington is exactly the sort of place you'd expect to find the little buggers running loose. It also explains why the "vampires" are so tough. That high-refractory index is what you get for having an epidermis of tiny metallic robots. That bloodlust they have to get over is a combination of their Asuran programming to kill and the nanobots using blood iron to replicate themselves.

Their "venom" is fluid filled with nanobots, which explains why it can double for semen in a pinch: the nanobots can force a single egg into mitosis. The embryo (which is just a clone of the mother) is forced into rapid growth to facilitate the quicker production of human/Asuran hybrid soldiers.
  • Okay, that has to be the most awesome idea I've heard for this series.
    • Seconded. I always knew they were robots from how emotionless they are.

...Human-Wraith Hybrids Or something along those lines. Tough, of course, and telepathic. They have lost the ability to feed conventionally and must extract ATP directly from human tissue (of which blood is the easiest to get). Shiny skin? Perhaps bioluminecence was added either on purpose or as a side effect.

...Human-Time Lords. Infected with a disease that causes a craving for blood, The Doctor landed on Earth, hid the TARDIS away, and used the Chameleon Arch so he wouldn't go rampaging around time and space drinking the blood of innocents. The disease reacted horribly with The Doctor's changed biology, altering him into something part human, part Time Lord, and part vampire. This new genetic makeup is passed on to everyone "Carlisle" infects, turning them into semi-Time Lords like Jenny. For now, "Carlisle" is content working as a human doctor and living with his "family"...but sooner or later, he's going to open that old fob watch of his. When he does, he'll realize what the cure for his "vampirism" must be and will be able to cure himself and all the Cullens. He'll then return to the TARDIS and go back to adventuring, leaving that whole embarrassing business behind. "Glad that's over," he'll muse. "That Bella Swan was almost as clingy and annoying as Rose!"
  • Who says he was chameleon arched into being human? It seems more logical that he would be a perfectly normal time lord with a time lord disease.
  • And you did NOT just compare beloved Rose to Bella Swan.

...Survivors of the Great Vampire War. Think about it. All vampires were killed by the timelords. Edward and co survived because they do not look, act, or even resemble vampires. The timelords thought they were humans, and dropped them off at some random planet. Most likely the earth.

...an evolved form/species branch of Weeping Angels They've managed to get rid of the crippling can't-move-while-being-watched flaw a few billion years ago, but at the cost of their speed of movement and crap-yourself scariness (and awesomeness in general), but the magnificent bastardry remains intact. As a result, they can now move freely while being watched, but have to find new ways to turn humans into themselves, since going through the eyes won't work. Bella wasn't turned vampire by Edwards bite, but from Edward barging his way into her life, and after prolonged emotional manipulation, forcing his way into her soul.

...Deluded Serial Killer Fans. Carlisle is another kind of Doctor (or rather, nurse) whose name is really Charles; unlike Carmilla, he's lazy in the pseudonym department. His "family" is made up of his actual family and "fans" who deluded themselves into believing they're vampires, then became cannibalistic and finally carnivorous.

...Other Parents and their victims. They "collect" children by promising eternal life, beauty, love, and comfort (and they deliver it in spades). The difference between them and Coraline's Other Mother is they love their prey children back, and their eyes only turn red or "soft, buttery gold".
  • and the "door" that leads to their world is found on the west coast of Brazil...

...Blood-addicted alien Siths. Think about that: They don't burn in the Sun (maybe the sparkles are some Midichlorian side-effect to exposition to our Sun. Bella looks like she's always being mind-controlled by Edward. And their super-strength might be some sort of uncontrolled telekinesis. Also, their offspring with humans grow rapidly, and we never know if it's a result of the cross-breeding of these species or if it's some sort of Force-inducted growth.

...Mutants. In this universe there is a pair of vampire chromosomes, that is carried by some special humans that gets triggered once they get in contact with the venom. The extra genes exists on the humans before they are bitten and once in contact with the venom begins the transformation, that is why all of the vampires have a special trait, strength, beauty and/or special powers, those are the things vampires are attracted to select a new member of their coven because it shows the presence of the extra genes. We can see that gifted vampires usually have gifted siblings (Alec and Jane, Bella and Reneesme...) If a non mutant human is bitten then he just becomes food. The characters of course understand this the other way around and think that the venom adds the extra gene, the venom only makes it active. Bella, Alice, Jane, Didime, Alec... showed their special traits before their transformations.

...Anti-Morlocks. As the trailer for the Wolverine movie shows, mutants are nigh-invulnerable, use super speed, and have diamond-like skin. It's just that the Twilight folks are extremely weak versions - the vampires are a bit sparkly while Emma Frost gets actual diamonds. They're rather like reverse-Morlocks - they're extremely beautiful but with relatively weak powers. Bella's powers don't manifest until her pregnancy, it's just coincidental they appeared after being bitten all over by her "vampire" husband.
  • Well, it makes a heck of a lot more sense than calling them "vampires."
    • Impossible, there are actual vampires in the Marvel Universe. Or should we change his name to "Blade the Morlock Hunter"?
      • No, there are both several species of supernatural vamps and several varieties of non-supernatural pseudovampires in the MU— including several bloodsucking mutants, the Ravens, and Morbius.
    • Twilight vampires could be a clan of weak mutants who've deluded themselves into thinking they're vampires. Hmm, maybe they're not even Morlocks, just humans in makeup being used as bait by the real vampires to lure out Blade and make him look bad, as in the third movie.

...Literal Fallen Angels. The Cullens are fallen angels who want to redeem themselves and have been given semi-tangible human forms on Earth as a sort of purgatory. The whole shtick about eating humans is nonsense used to explain why they don't eat for real. The bad vampires are true fallen angels who just want to send as many humans to hell as possible. Bella doesn't become a vampire; she dies from giving birth to Nessie because an angel's birth is too much strain for a human. Then Bella becomes an angel as well, despite never knowing the truth.
  • Mom? What are you doing in this site?
    • Explaining your (anti) fandom, one trope at a time. XD

...Trolls or Yeti. Being partially made of diamond, or at least a partially crystalline rock type, they can regulate their temperature enough to stay mobile during the day. This accounts for their cold temperature. However, they are not pure diamond or crystal, so not only are they not prone to shattering, but they also cannot keep their brain temperature low enough to have judgment better than the typical fanfiction character. They may also be yeti, but with a venom that turns a victim into another yeti, but without growing any diamond fur beyond that which is required to sparkle or affecting any hair already beyond the surface at the cost of their time-altering abilities.

...Humans suffering from a mutant form of scleroderma. Minus the immobilization, horrific pain and suffocation, plus sparkles! From The Hypochondriac's Pocket Guide to Horrible Diseases You Probably Already Have: "Scleroderma is a chronic autoimmune disease that causes hardening and tightening of the skin and its connective tissue. The very name of the disease is Greek for 'hard skin.'"
  • Alternatively, humans who got their hands on an improved version of the skin cream from Catwoman.

...Magical freakin' unicorns. In a magical freakin' disguise. Since the book is a fusion of sparkley pink six year old marketing and the adolescent desire to be dark and edgy, one may surmise (/bad academic essay writing) that Meyer has fused the two most common products of both. The unicorns are merely stated to be vampires, just as Bella stated not to be an author insert. Thus does Stephenie Meyer fulfull her dreams of fucking a unicorn. And no, you can't unread that sentence.

...The creators of the humans. The vampires were the original dominant species of earth. Some sort of disease caused them to become cannibalistic and aggressive. They almost met the fall of their civilization by literally eating themselves, until they came with a solution: they created an inferior race of vampires called humans, and started breeding them as livestock. The smell and taste of the human blood became more more stronger by selective breeding them. The vampires started over breeding the humans. Soon the human herds were too numerous, causing them to escape and overpopulate earth, out numbering their creators, building their own civilization and eventually forgetting about the true origin of their species.....

Marble Statue that have been Animated In one part of the New Moon movie, Edward is fighting Felix and Edward is slammed into a staircase. When this happens, his face literally cracks like the marble statue Bella continues to compare him too. It heals up, but that's besides the point. Years and years and years ago, a god was bored and made a bunch of marble statues of gorgeous humans. They were then brought to life, but because they were marble, they could only survive on blood. This becomes the origin of the Greek Myth about Galatea. (A sculptor makes a statue of a woman that's beautiful and Aphrodite brings it to life.)

...a pathetic Alternate Universe version of the Armstrong family This world could not handle the sheer awesomeness that has been passed down the Armstrong line for generations. As such certain tradeoffs were made. They get to keep the combat expertise and the sparkles, but lose any chance of alchemy and have developed a craving for blood. To make up for it they get to live forever and are able to turn normal humans awesome with their spit. They can also bewitch people into agreeing with how awesome they are.

...some sort of failed attempt at Homunculi The similarities are uncanny: they're immortal, they all have pale skin, they were humans at one time until they died,, and they're almost impossible to kill. Plus, they all have some kind of superpower and are sterile. And when you think about it, you could attribute any number of the Seven Deadly Sins to a few of them: Edward is definitely guilty of Pride, Lust (for Bella), Envy (toward Jacob), and Pride throughout the series.

...a weapon intended to wipe out humanity from the future. In the distant future, AI is invented and it instantly turns evil. It decides to wipe out humanity with something that will be extremely hard to eradicate, that won't consume much resources and that will spread very easily.

In short, the AI needs a super-plague. However, it's quite a bit into the future if we've got AI, therefore biological viruses are probably unreliable with the far-future technology. So, what does it do? Expanding on one of the above guesses(although this is a generic guess and unrelated to Stargate), it invents "venom", actually self-replicating nanotechnological plague, which - if injected into a human - instantly transforms it into a "vampire".
Think about it. When you look at a Twilight vampire as a "weapon against humans" they literally have no weaknesses whatsoever. They, as Edward notes, are perfect predators and they are ridiculously overpowered and over-engineered in comparison to their intended prey. They are super-strong, super-fast, super-smart(at least they possess an Eidetic Memory), super-pretty, heal extremely quickly, have an insatiable hunger for human blood, reproduce via a single bite and have nifty supernatural powers to boot. This is because the AI simply wanted to cover all the bases - he needed a weapon that would be extremely versatile, able to be extremely tough in direct combat and still be capable of subtlety, stealth, seduction and disguise.
This explains a lot about the story, since it's just so weird for a vampire story. For example, it uses the Bite=Vampire model of vampire turning which is almost a Discredited Trope and only makes sense if vampires are intended to reproduce extremely quickly for some reason. Without the traditional weaknesses of vampires, they seem far less "supernatural" and more "sciency"(but it's a very soft science). Vampires sparkle and have a diamond-like skin because their skin is made of carbon nanotubes(admittedly, I'm not sure if carbon nanotubes would sparkle but oh well...). Since they're supposed to be self-sufficient, the nanobots that make a vampire who he is operate by consuming ATP found in the blood. They have eidetic memories because the machines attach themselves to their neurons and enhance their cognition and reflexes. They don't need to breathe because they serve as respirocytes(artificial red blood cells) whose efficiency is so high that they are able to not-breathe for hours. They're immortal because biological immortality is possible with this level of technology, so why not make them immortal?
Additionally - this is not known in the Twilight novels - the nanobots attached to their neurons serve as a way to hijack their brains and control them. After the AI has defeated humanity, it will have an entire army of able slaves who can function simply by consuming blood(which would be easily manufactured with this level of technology).
Vampires in the Twilight novel are only capable of existing as they are(which is - without having an exponential growth in population) because the AI has not been invented yet and therefore, they retain their free will. As for how they got here? Simple, a time travel fluke transported a vampire into the distant past and freed him from the control of the AI.

An Alien Space Marine Plague The real clincher is their sparkly skin. That isn't necessary to attract humans, or for any biological process, AND it only shows up under high intensity light(IE, the sun). Clearly it was engineered, and clearly it is laser armor. So you have a creature that runs on its enemies, can create new soldiers from enemies, doesn't have to breathe, can apparently run essentially indefinitely without an external power source...The strategy becomes absurdly simple. Find any lifebearing planets in the surrounding 1000 light years, shoot a few of your troops at each of them(don't even have to bother with spaceships), and when they get there they begin to infect the population. With they way they spread the infection(by teeth), a single vampire could infect thousands per day, and each of those could infect thousands themselves. Within a year the entire planet would be subverted from the inside, and the process can begin anew.

Unfortunately, the first people that got infected were the Volturi, and they had special powers that normal people don't have. Aro could read minds and saw what was going to happen to the planet, and Marcus could see(and, I speculate, control relationships) and cut off his link to the aliens, allowing him to act freely. They then killed the alien vampire and decided that the best way to stay off the radar was to keep too large a presence from being detected on the planet so nobody checked up on them, hence the secrecy rules that were enstated. Secrecy means you have to train each vampire for a significant period of time before they're able to go out without infecting hundreds of people like they're meant to, and their constant raids and enforcement have kept the vampire population relatively steady for over two thousand years, and therefore kept humanity under the radar for the vampire invasion! That also explains why Bella was such a perfect person when she became a vampire; the bloodlust and lack of emotional control are caused by the invasion of your mind by a hostile alien force. Bella, having a perfect shield around her mind, naturally wouldn't be effected. And when she's focusing on keeping her shield off, she's focusing too hard to be taken control of!
Other They may be pale and immortal, and they may drink blood, but they don't share any other traits with the common perception of vampires: not aversions to crosses and holy water, not death by a stake to the heart or sunlight, nor any inability to pass over running water. They each have a specialized power beyond super senses and strength. Instead of Stephenie Meyer simply killing vampire folklore, it turns out that there was just a misconception with the species, like the werewolf/shapeshifter thing. They also can't divulge their secret identity and power to the Muggles, lest the antagonists kill them.
  • They may be Petrosapiens from Ben 10. They're very long-lived, they can regenerate, and they supposedly find humans a delicacy. They're also made of an organic diamond-like substance that sparkles in the sunlight. The reason the ones in the book look so human compared to the more alien Ben10 appearance is because they used diamond-cutting tools to chisel themselves a human appearance so they would fit in better. Plastic surgery for living rocks. Obviously, after their planet was blown up, they all migrated to Earth.
  • Maybe they are Chiropteran Chevaliers from Blood+, and Esme is their current Queen. The bad ones are controlled by the other Queen. The whole discussion isn't about Bella; she just have gotten in as a delicious future meal. (Diva herself considered younger and prettier people to be more delicious than older or ugly people, so...)
  • Maybe they are whatever the hell Hancock and Blonde Girl are supposed to be. Maybe their "superpowers" are the traditional powers of vampires. Maybe Edward is attracted to Bella because he can't be with another of his kind for too long or he would lose his powers (as was the case in Hancock).
  • Cyborgs, a la Ghost in the Shell or Battle Angel Alita. They started out human but medical emergencies caused them to adopt completely artificial bodies. Their bodies are hard, cold, strong, and sparkly because it's made of plastic/carbon fiber/ceramic/etc. Their body fluids are extremely flammable because it's a mixture of fuel and lubricant. The bloodlust is due to the huge shock of no longer being "human" and because blood is the only thing their bodies can convert into fuel (they prefer humans because they're easier to lure). They appear to be supernaturally beautiful since they can enhance their faces and bodies to idealized forms.
    • The shapeshifters are mutants with only one mode, like the violet cavie-girl from Sky High.

...Not who/what you think. The Sparkles are in charge. The "sparkles" are a parasitic energy-creature able to possess and alter humans, creating the vampires.

...Descendants of Cain.
  • Given that vampires had messed up with human mythology for so long. They also erase their real origin. When Cain killed his brother Abel he drank his blood, since they first humans were perfect he absorbed his brothers good traits and became twice, stronger, prettier, tougher to kill and smarter. When God gave him the mark so humans could identified him: His diamond like skin that could sparkle during direct sunlight, one of the secondary effects was immortality and coldness. Cain left the roam around the earth and eventually he couldn't control his growing thirst for blood and bite some people. A few of them became vampires. Cain eventually learned to control himself by drinking from animals but when he tried to make the other vampires to do the same they killed him. Thus till the Denalis and the Cullens no vampire knew about drinking from animals. Is posible that some of the most ancient ones remember that story, but they don't want anyone to try and become a vegetarian, because they like human blood the best and don't want anyone to be able to tell them that their diet is wrong.

...A bastard bloodline altered by the True Fae.
  • The three original Volturi were ordinary vampires (likely Daeva or Ventrue) until they wandered into the Hedge and were experimented on by the True Fae. Fae magic gives the sparkle as well as protecting them from sunlight. The three Volturi got back from the hedge and sired their own bloodline. The catch is that the Fae magic in their blood randomly gifts their bloodline with special powers (i.e. Alice's clairvoyance, Edward's mind reading). Needless to say, they have to stay in the sunlight because the New World of Darkness has it out for their blood. The other vampire clans look on the Volturi bloodline as mincing fairy pets, the Changelings distrust them as tools of the Fae and the Hunters now have to deal with vampires immune to sunlight. How they've survived so long is a mystery but many scholars believe it has something to do with how they "escaped" the Hedge so easily...

...a Nosferatu offshoot.

a hybrid of White Court and Red Court vampires.
  • They actually feed off a combination of blood and emotion. They have few of the weaknesses of either Court, but at the same time have strength of between that of White Court vampires and Red Court Vampires.
    • This hybridization would make the Pink Court Vampires.
    • "Sparkling" in the sun is actually their innate magic attempting to repair damage to their "skinsuits" that Red Court members have, but they are not actually being harmed by sunlight and so it does not do anything but ground itself in the air, making them appear to "sparkle" slightly.
    • Bella's blood "smells good" to vampires because she has a very minor degree of magical talent, and vampires subliminally recognize the smell of a female practitioner's blood because they are appealing targets for vampires (since magical talent is matrilineal).

...The result of incest...
  • The Volturi were originally a very select group of vampires, who had Fantastic Racism towards the other vampire clans. Much like the Egyptian pantheon, it ended up with inbreeding. Over time, the vampire genes were diluted and mutated. The result is most, if not all vampire traits being diluted and weakened. Thankfully, the vampire's innate magical nature prevent any real harm.

...There are no real vampires in Twilight. Just think about it.
  • Alternatively, they exist, and are using the less-subtle sparklepires as cover.

...There are no vampires, the Cullens are a cult. Think about it. They're promising Mary Sue...er, BELLA immortality in exchange for joining them. They isolate her from her friends and family, and strip her of her ability to choose (to be fair, she doesn't have the brains to choose on her own). The Volturi are a group trying to to deprogram (I spent a good 5-8 minutes trying to remember that word) Bella, and the CULTENS are convincing her their evil vampires.

And then there's Cullenism...

...Synthetic vampires. When fighting actual vampires, people tried to fight back by creating their own group of vampires via artificial means(Magitek, genetic engineering, experiments with vampire blood? Take your pick). Since it didn't involve the usual Black Magic, Deal with the Devil or being bitten by a vampire, they were merely imitations, lacking many of the strengths and weaknesses of true vampires. They were given other abilities to compensate though.

...Pillar Men. They got the Stone Mask and the Red Stone of Aja a long time ago, and managed to tame the sun.

...The Ultimate Life Form. They don't age. They're almost indestructible. They can survive in any time of the day, their very blood is poisonous, and can consume anything with blood in it. In essence, they're the ultimate predator. Why? It's the result of a symbiotic pathogen aka the actual Ultimate Lifeform. It mutates its host into perfect predators, allowing itself to spread all across the planet. Said pathogen may be natural, or could have been created by a scientist who wanted to "improve" humanity.

There is a good reason to the sparkly thing
Under sunlight, vampires sweat, and the effect causes it to look like they're sparkling. However, vampires need the cold to survive; too much time in sunlight or heat can kill them. That, or they are sweaty in general, and the sunlight shows that.

  • This is a common trait in Eerie Pale Skinned Brunettes.
  • Actually, vampire pigment is silvery, instead of the brown melanine like in humans. A sparkly skin is the vampire equivalent of a tan.

If the Twilight vampires could transform into bats like traditional vampires, their bat forms would be similar to that of Big Bad Marx's One-Winged Angel form from Kirby.
Like the Twilight vampires, Marx isn't really threatening looking compared to other monsters, is very powerful with many abilities, and he sparkles.

Becoming a vampire as a teenager means you stay emotionally immature
The prefrontal cortex doesn't finish maturing until around 25. If you're a vampire, this doesn't happen. Note we were told that immortal children did not mature in terms of their behaviour. And frankly, a lot of Edward's behaviour reads as more teenage than adult (with a layer of messed up over that, obviously).

Vampires do not sparkle because their skin is made of diamonds.
They're really burning to death at an extremely slow rate.
  • So they're not sparkling, just sparking?

The vampires were originally going to catch fire in the sunlight
It just wouldn't inconvenience them; too bad that got edited out, can you imagine how metal that would be?
  • "This is why we don't show ourselves in sunlight." woosh "People would know we're fucking metal!" (Air Guitar)

Who's scarier than all of the vampires on Twilight put together?
Count Chocula

Vampires lose their ambition upon being turned.
That's why they seem content repeating High School for centuries and the Volturi pretty much just sit around doing nothing all day. Their vampirism has killed their desire to be more. That's why Bella is so well-suited to be a vampire. She has no ambitions beyond being Edward's fuckmate.
  • Well, they are dead. I don't think that only applies to their bodies.

Vampires have a constant erection

  • Bear with me, because this is a long one...

  • So, a common WTF with the series is that Stephanie Meyer fails at biology. However, since she is the author of the story and insist that "science" is the premise of her vampires, I will attempt to think like Stephanie Meyer and find an excuse as to how her Vampires have an erection and can have sperm. S Meyer, if you are reading this, there is no need to thank me...

  • So, whenever a vampire sucks a human and/or animals blood, the blood HAS to go somewhere and be stored somewhere so that the blood can be stored within the vampire for nutrition. However, it appears that it does not enter the circulation of the body, nor does it seem to enter the stomach. Think about it. Within all of those fight scenes, not a single drop of blood ever seems to be dropped, and most of the blows seem to be aimed at the upper body. Therfore, at some point, the stomach (as well as the upper body as a whole) would of been punctured at some point. The lower body, however, tends to come away intact. Therefore, knowing that the blood can not be in the legs as it does not enter circulation, my thought process is that I never saw a vampire sliced in his naughty place, therefore, the blood is stored with in the male vampires penis. That is the only logical, scientific, explanation.

  • As for the sperm: Blood is widely known to have two different types of cells, "red" and "white" and though I do not know what either of those actually do, I do know that sperm is white. THEREFORE, the red blood cells are kept in storage within the actual shaft of the penis, resulting in the vampire having a constant erection, which is also why many of the young males in Twilight show aggresive behavior (Emment is a jock. Jasper goes apeshit over a paper cut. I don't HAVE to explain Edward.) they, seriously, have no blood rushing to the brain, so the penis is their new primary organ that they use to think...

  • Anyway, back to the sperm... the white blood cells are converted into sperm cells via a process I like to call "Meyersation" in which a whole bunch of sciency things happen to result in this. Research on Meyersation and how it works is still on going, however one bonofide expert has been quoted as saying "Bullshit." so that means it must be true.

  • Now, I know what you are thinking, "what happens to the women and the blood they suck?" which is a very good question... And I think I have an answer. The blood actually stored within the egg. This interferes with the baby making process, which is why female vampires cannot get pregnant, as the blood blocks the sperm out. However, if a female vampire went MONTHS without eating and somehow did not die, she could, in theory at least, become pregnant. However, it seems that the likely hood of this is rather low...

     Bella Swan 
Bella Swan is...

...The Nostalgia Chick Afters years spent around Doug, a schizophrenic whose Jekyll-and-Hyde/Gollum-like personalities change at the drop of a hat, HER mind snapped.

Only, instead of developing split personality syndrome, she became delusional. She started hallucinating about a fantasy world of "vampires" and "werewolves".

Notice how Bella has red hair, a sort of chubby face, a dry tone of voice and a legion of admirers...JUST LIKE LINDSAY!

That's why she sounded distant in the Hocus Pocus review, she was immersed in her fantasy world (specifically, she was experiencing the events of New Moon).

That's why Edward is sometimes a gentle lover and others an abusive asshole: he's Lindsay/Bella's version of Doug.
  • But Bella Swan is a brunette!
  • ...are you, like, trying to get the Critic out of the way so you can marry the Chick or something? Because, dude, you don't need to.

...An Unreliable Narrator. Edward is a particularly sadistic traditional vampire who likes to play with his food using his powers of mesmerism to force an illusion- her life, after the first couple days in Forks- on Bella. This explains why they seem to lack weaknesses. He plans on ending the illusion, and her life, in the most sadistic way he can imagine.
  • Bella = The Renfield. Bellafield.
  • Meyer's upcoming book is the events of the first book, told from Edward's point of view. THEN we'll see if Bella is an unreliable narrator.
    • Only if it comes up. Internet Backdraft over a leaked rough draft might have burnt up her will to write it.
  • That's actually how a friend pitched the book after this Troper commented on how boring it was that all of the "good" characters were described as incredibly beautiful. She said that it was all from Bella's POV, that Bella compared them to herself, and that Bella didn't see herself as very pretty. Which raised more questions in this Troper's mind...

... a powerful psychic who befuddles the minds of those around her. Unknown to herself, she projects a psychic field that suppresses rational thought. Anyone who meets her gets their head scrambled and starts to act in a strange and dumb fashion.

This description from Idiot Plot puts it best:
Not only is Bella an idiot, she's actually a human Idiot Ball! Anyone who comes into contact with her (most notably Edward) starts making random, ridiculous decisions and being generally Too Dumb to Live. Even the villains. Lets face it, how many of their thoroughly inept "wicked schemes" would have came close to working if the good guys hadn't been a group of shambling, dunderheaded simpletons?

...Suffering from schizophrenia. She moved to Forks because her mother died in a car crash, unhinging Bella from reality. She tells herself she moved to be a good daughter because she can't face reality. In fact, Bella isn't even her real name. She just goes by that because she wants to be seen as special.

After alienating her peers at school, she created the perfect boyfriend out of her subconscious mind to fall tragically in love with her. Edward Cullen doesn't actually exist.
  • The reason Edward "left her" in New Moon is because she was put in a psych ward where she was given medication to control her delusions.She was kept there for most of the blank-page months in the book, but is sent home after her delusions seem to be under control. Some of her relationship with Jacob was real,and he tries to help her. However, she tragically slips back into her delusions, now incorporating him into them.
    • That... actually, it makes much more logical sense when you think about it in context. O.o
      • Especially when one considers that she seems to have some bizarre sort of Munchausen by proxy syndrome, totally convinced that her parents are unable to fix dinner, housekeep, or generally do anything without her around to help (despite the fact that both parents would have had to have lived alone and without her help for some time and presumably got by quite well). Adding in the fact that her clumsiness could be caused by brain tumors...

...Really stoned.

...A distant relative of Elizabeth Swann. C'mon, someone had to suggest it.

Both live in a version of the real world in which the supernatural exists and Kristen Stewart looks somewhat like Keira Knightley. Bella can't be a direct descendant since, as a woman, Elizabeth wouldn't be able to pass on her surname. (We know she eventually becomes Elizabeth Turner.) But Bella could still be descended from a male relative of Elizabeth. Sure, they spell their last name differently, but names can change over a period of two hundred years.
  • This does not explain how Bella turned into such a wimp. Seriously, the Pirate King herself wouldn't take that stalker crap from anybody; she would find Bella a disgrace to the Swann name. Unless Bella lost her great-great-etc.-relative's Action Girl tendencies along with that extra "n"...
    • Who says wussiness is genetic? Even if it is, we're not yet in Warhammer 40,000 territory - perhaps Elizabeth got her badass gene from her mother's side.

...A delusional demon and is controlling the town she lives in.
  • This explains why nothing behaves the way it should (vampires that don't ash in the sun? Poppycock!), and why an ages-old vampire would even be interested in her. She simply has the power to control everyone in town to play out her bizarre supernatural fantasies. After the series, she'll 'reboot' the town and start again.
  • Sounds like someone direly needs a Delusional Deity Showdown with Haruhi Suzumiya. Forty quatloos on the anime import.
    • You want to upset Haruhi and potentially destroy all of creation just to off an annoying high-school fantasy? Okay!
      • No! You'll give her ideas and Kyon will end up a vampire.
    • Don't forget Alessa from Silent Hill.
    • Maybe she's the kid from that one episode of the Twilight Zone.

...An escapee from a James Fenimore Cooper Novel. Think about it: she possesses few, if any, skills or abilities. Powerful men fall in love with her for no adequately explained reason. She faints a lot. So the idea is this: the universe described in the Thursday Next series of novels is real, and Bella escaped from Last of the Mohicans or something to steal the spot of whomever the protaganist of Twilight was supposed to be. The original protagonist of Twilight escaped into something by Jane Austen.
  • That would make such an amazing novel...
  • But— But she has brown hair! Cooper's brunette heroines are tough and self-sufficient! Maybe she dyed it...
  • It's obvious, though. It's a Classics fanfic.

On that train of thought, Bella is Pilar. Maybe Bella is just a 3 year old girl, and he is just imagining a fantasy world of vampires and werewolves. Maybe she's no demon or anything, but a regular little girl playing that she is meeting vampires and werewolves. It explains why the world of Twilight doesn't make any sense to us adults.
  • Apparently, a very precocious girl, considering how hot and heavy things get in the 4th book.

...Beleth, the Demon Princess of Nightmares from the RPG In Nomine The modern romanticisation of vampires has created Edward, a powerful Ethereal (dream-being). Beleth wants to get him on her side. Edward is going to get quite a surprise when he find out...

...The anti-Hermione Granger. Think about it - Bella is stunningly beautiful, stunningly stupid, and doesn't give two shits about any of her friends who aren't sparkly vampires. Hermione is only stunningly beautiful when she needs to get ready for an important event (ex: Yule Ball in Goblet of Fire); otherwise she isn't nuts about looking pretty and cares about everyone, regardless of appearance. The only thing these two have in common are brown hair and brown eyes.
  • If you think Emma Watson ISN'T stunningly beautiful, you are either gay, blind or a woman.
    • You realize some women are lesbian/bisexual, right?
    • When the books and films contradict in the Harry Potter fandom, the books are always canon. J. K. Rowling did not write Hermione to look like Emma Watson.
      • Further more, while Hermoine isn't supposed to be gorgeous, Emma Watson certainly is, and while Bella IS supposed to be Gorgeous, Kristen Stewart is...well she's not ugly, she's pretty cute I guess, but she's no Emma Watson.
      • Besides which, you can be a woman—even a straight one— or a gay man and find Emma attractive. Doesn't mean that you, personally, are attracted to her.
      • Preach it sister.
  • Both also are, to a degree, the author's "own" characters. Meyer said that Bella is like her own daughter (and basically the two look the same) and Rowling has stated that Hermione is an exaggeration of herself at a younger age (a slightly insecure know-it-all). Both are shown to be exceptional also (though Hermione pulls it off without being a Mary Sue).
    • Ah, well, that's because Meyer made Bella an idealized, supposedly flawless version of herself (which given Meyer's ego is probably what she thinks of herself anyway), while Rowling based Hermione after her personal flaws and built a well-rounded character around that instead. Hence why Rowling is infinitely superior.

...A character for a different story. A preteen girl was writing a wish-fulfillment story, and her protagonist escaped that story and got into Stephenie Meyer's plotline. Meyer's original character then went into the preteen's story, and the whole thing became BRILLIANT. Meyer is actually an amazing author, we just don't see it because Twilight is centered around Bella, rather than whoever she intended for it to be centered around.

...Addictive to vampires. Her blood, that is. Note: The trailer to the movie brought this idea up. Vampires are attracted to Bella, not because of anything special about her, but because of a genetic fluke or some other reason that makes her biochemical makeup especially delicious to vampires.
  • That would explain why she's such a Black Hole Sue as far as the vampires are concerned.
  • I think this bit is actually canon. Seriously, she has some special blood that smells real nice. She's Edward's heroin. *nods*

...Dead after giving birth to Renesmee; the remainder of Breaking Dawn is a morphine-induced hallucination as she dies. This explains why the kid grew up so fast, as well as why everything worked out perfectly for everyone - Bella's subconscious took great pains to wrap up dangling plot threads and ensure a happy ending. Either that, or Edward killed Bella on their honeymoon and everything after that point is a hallucination, including the whacked-out pregnancy and Edward's suggestion that they have Jacob impregnate Bella instead.
  • Why did you have to say that!?
    • That isn't a Downer Ending! That's the only way this book could end happily! The neurotic immature little girl dies, vampirekind is spared the horror of Renesmee the halfbreed, and the mutant pseudovampires are burned! Ah, joy...
    • The real title of the book is Breaking Down.
    • This. Is. Win.

...A Serial Killer. Think about it. Despite calling herself a non-violent person, she frequently has violent thoughts about others. She left Phoenix in a hurry. She stated she was 'unpopular' there. Despite calling herself selfless, she never demonstrates it during the books. The real reason she left Phoenix is because she snapped and killed her whole school. Edward, in fact, can read her mind, and is feeding her obsession so that she doesn't go ahead and kill everyone in Forks for being too nice. (Note: this doesn't excuse his emotional abuse.) Finally, I present the following quote:
He shrugged. "Maybe that counts, maybe it doesn't. But you haven't killed anyone-"
"That you know about," I muttered.
  • This intermeshes well with the thought of Edward-as-sadist-manipulator— he's capable of latching on to her so perfectly, so completely, because they are completely like-minded. They are both compelled to kill. They're like Leopold and Loeb, only straight. And sparkly!
  • Alternatively, Edward isn't a vampire at all, but is a superhero/vigilante with rather impressive psychic powers, trying to keep Bella from snapping until he can get her into custody with risking lives/until he can gather sufficient evidence to convict by being her perfect fantasy, which just so happens to be a sparkly vampire. Perhaps Jacob discovers this but hasn't heard the serial killer part of the story and is attempting to bring her back to reality. If Edward's projections conflict with him occasionally, this would explain some of his odd personality switches.

...A Hollow. She died of heartbreak after Edward left in the 2nd book, and the blank parts are when she's in Hueco Mundo. When she "returns", she plans on eating all of the humans and "Bounts" she can get her claws on, hence the amazing powers of Black Hole Sue (and now "Supermassive Black Hole" makes sense as a track selection).
  • ... Halibella?
    • I don't think she'd alter her appearance that much (large breasts aside).
    • I dunno... the more I think about it, the more it makes a twisted sort of sense. Bella has complained more than once about being a plain Eerie Pale-Skinned Brunette. Halibel is a Dark-Skinned Blonde with a figure that could stop traffic, clearly what Bella has always secretly wanted to be, and it might make a certain sense if her soul looked more like her idealized image rather than what she actually looks like. Further, Halibel's Zanpakuto uses water as a weapon; Bella hates rain. As a Hollow, she uses something she despises to inflict her suffering on others. And of course, when the big fight started, Halibel went right for Hitsugaya... who is pale, ice-cold, and has hordes of fangirls. She's clearly trying to kill him because he reminds her of Edward, who she ate along with the rest of his Bount clan when she became a Hollow.
  • This makes so much sense, given that from that point on in the book, she constantly talks about there being a "hole" in her chest...
  • Interesting: The Espadas are supposed to be AnthropomorphicPersonifications for how people die, and Halibel's was Heroic Sacrifice. From what little I've read I got the impression that, had she never met the Cullens and remained human, Bella's way of death would've been caused by being Too Dumb to Live: she's a dojikko; somebody mentions she moves from arid Arizona to cool and damp Washington and all she brings is a cactus and a jacket, and she certainly isn't going to sacrefice herself for her oblivious, shallow parents or those people she dosen't interact with much at school.
    • Unless we interpret 'sacrifice' as 'making other people sacrifice themselves for her'. Both of her major love interests have threatened suicide over her, as I recall. And in a more general sense, most people do seem to fall all over themselves in an effort to make her life better.
  • I gotta be honest, I got it from here (just past Mola Ram). Given that the author is (I think) a 30-something-year-old woman I don't think it's a deliberate Bleach reference.
    • Shhhhh, we're having fun.
  • She screams and cries so much in the movie, you'd think she was undergoing the last stages of soul chain consumption.

...Sick and using Edward to live. Think about it: Why is she so desperate for Edward to change her. It's because she dying from a deadly illness and wanted him to change her so she could wouldn't have to die.
  • Alternately, Bella is just plain using Edward— once she saw how perfect his family was and how good immortal life could be, she burrowed deeper into the Cullen clan's inner circle and once she "got" vampirism for herself, made plans to leave. Renesmee curtailed this effort a bit but she will eventually flee the Cullens, taking a substantial chunk of their wealth and making herself pretty damn well hidden. Then, she shall go on to rule the world. Since the Cullens seem fairly adverse to killing humans, and Bella in this theory is not (she's a vampire now, and her human aloofness and feeling like she doesn't fit in is exaggerated by it) she would easily become a far more ruthless, cold-hearted killer.
  • Wait, that wasn't canon?
  • Well, she certainly had little guilt about using Jacob... So she is definitely capable of this.

Bella was abused as a child. Think about it. She blames herself when things go wrong (internalizing the abuse) is passive in the extreme, lets her dad ground her despite being 18 is attracted to dangerous men...
  • She was certainly neglected by Renee so there is that...

...A narcissist. Read this page and see if the symptoms of narcissism don't scream "BELLA SWAN!" to you.
  • If that description's anything to go by, the entire cast's composed of narcissists. Though Bella and Edward are the most striking examples.
  • The only way this could be more confirmed is if Stephanie Meyer admitted it.

...The exact opposite—she hates herself. When she cut herself and the Cullens had to restrain themselves from attacking her, she called it her fault. When, as a vampire, she nearly attacked someone, it was again her fault. Combine this with Jacob's comment that she should have lived when there were still martyrs, and it indicates that she applies far higher standards to herself than others, and punishes herself for not living up to them. This would explain why she acts like The Atoner without being The Atoner, and why she shows so little of a spine in the earlier works. Incidentally, this might make her a deconstruction of the Purity Sue or the Mary Sue Classic.

...An entity similar to Haruhi Suzumiya. Before you burn me at the stake let me explain this one. Both Bella and Haruhi are the best at whatever they decide to do (Bella prefers to not do anything and have her pets do all the work for her though), they both have no interest in normal humans preferring to seek out Time Travelers, Aliens and Espers or Vampires and Werewolves respectively. Both of them after having a conversation with a boy (Kyon and Edward) at their school it soon becomes apparent to that boy that the universe seems to revolve around the girl (for Kyon it was a little more literal) and finally they are both pretentious little bitches that you just want to strangle. So it stands to reason that Bella created the vampires and the werewolves of her verse to indulge her fantasies similar to Haruhi's creation of Time Travelers, Aliens and Espers. Due the equivalent of Kyon being one of their own, the more aggressive vampires and werewolves who what to poke God and see what happens have to attack her directly.
  • or maybe she actually is Haruhi, in an alternate reality that is.
    • She got bored with her life in Japan as an "ordinary" school girl, so she created another alternate reality with Vampires and were- i mean shapeshifters.
      • The real reason why werewolves/shape-shifters were created was because Bella/Haruhi got bored after Edward left and wanted more supernatural people.
      • It would also allow for her to be at the center of a supernatural Love Triangle

...The only one who can see the people of Forks, because they're all dead, Jake. Everyone, including her father, is dead. Bella can see them as some sort of ghost-whisperer. The Cullens are just the oldest, because ghosts who are closest to moving on begin to sparkle. Bella actually ran away, and her mother only finds her when she is wounded by evil ghosts who want to make her join them. Eventually, Bella's mind can't take the strain of seeing an entire town's worth of ghosts, and she snaps. From then on, Bella is actually in a psych ward, being visited by the ghosts of Forks. Nessie is just the fantasy of a child she knows she can never have because she's sterile.
  • Wait a minute...how are ghosts more believable than vampires?
    • Ghosts are more believable then these "vampires".
    • These are admitted wilds guesses. Meyers was totally serious with her vampires.

...created to act as 'bait' for vampires, meant to draw them where they could be captured, studied, and/or killed. Hew blood was specifically designed to smell good to vampires. Unfortunately for the group that arranged for this, something happened to them before they could put their plan fully into effect.
  • Probably killed themselves in shame after seeing how stupid they made her.

...the Twilight-world equivalent of a zombie. The vampires of Twilight have next to none of the weaknesses of the original, and only resemble them superficially (the pale skin, aversion to sunlight, and blood-drinking) and in advantages (immortality and increased strength and speed), as well as getting unheard-of ones of their own (specific-to-person superpowers). The werewolves of twilight have next to none of the weaknesses of the original and only resemble them superficially (a human that can turn into a wolf) and in advantages (increased strength and... well, ability to turn into a wolf). So it's safe to say that, without us beign told, we wouldn't be able to recognize another mythological creature because they lack many of the defining characteristics, with only superficial resemblance and the advantages. So a Twilight-zombie would likely be a creature who is not, as zombies are actually required to be, dead. They would have superficial similarities (vacant expression, lack of emotion, a simple-minded devotion to a cause) , without having any of the disadvantages associated with zombie-dom (being, y'know, dead and rotting, and eating of brains). Additionally, they would have the inherent advantages of zombie-dom. An actual advantage of zombificaton is difficult to discern, but I assume the fact that the brain is dead leaves their minds impossible to read. ...Which happens to be the reason Bella is so 'special', the fact that both Edward Cullen and an even stronger mind-reading vampire cannot read their mind. Bella is in fact a Twilight-zombie, with a simple-minded devotion to a single thing (Edward) and a mind too vacant to be read.
  • Bella did compared herself to a zombie on the books as well. But can a former zombie become a vampire or is she a vampire zombie?
    • What, like in I Am Legend? Wouldn't look much like Bella, though...

...going to become a much better character.
  • Because hey, Living Forever Is Awesome. She has all the time in the world for Character Development. So stop complaining about her as she is now.
    • And learning Swahili.
  • Even if she still is an unmotivated moe-blob, it'll be like Maxwell's Demon; assuming it's easier to make progress than it is to backslide, she'll incrementally ratchet her way up to being cool.
    • Whether or not she has enough time before the heat-death of the universe...?
  • As for being a Mary Sue, well...what can you say, she's practiced long enough to earn it.
    • Either that, or the modern Mary Sue is going to have nothing on someone who's practiced being awesome for decades.
  • Too bad you're never, ever, going to read a book with her this way.
    • Some day, a much better author will take up the pen and write a brilliant sequel/deconstruction, ala Wicked or Watchmen.
  • Jossed by Meyer's own canon: Sparklepires are mentally frozen once they are "born", meaning Bella's going to stay the same obnoxious character until she's killed...or the sun becomes a red giant, whichever comes first.

...A succubus with amnesia
  • She is unconsciously feeding off the emotions and strength of the men around her. The reason she gravitates toward the stronger men is they provide more food.
    • That is actually the most awesome idea ever and I would totally read a book with that as the central plot.
    • Damn it, this troper was hoping she was the first one to think of that. >_< Well, I'm still planning to write a fic based on this, where Bella is a succubus and doesn't know it, but only the life force of supernatural humans is enough to sustain her at all...so she literally does get addicted to Edward's presence and goes into literal withdrawal when he leaves, and then latches onto Jacob as the most compatible superhuman male, even if neither of them know that's why he makes her feel so much better. Also her psychic feeding triggers a kind of mutual addiction, which is why Edward and Jacob get so obsessed with her in return—and the only way to end any of this is for Bella to either die or become a vampire, which is why Jacob's addiction to her ends when she's a vampire. Renesmee...inherited some of her mother's succubus traits? Something. I haven't figured that part out yet.
  • Or she doesn't have amnesia, and Twilight is her attempt to become a Villain with Good Publicity. She's just horrible at it.
  • Or this is all part of her plan to create the ultimate mythical being by implementing the genetic strengths of everything else, one by one. She spends most of her time trying to get Edward to sleep with her. She keeps Jacob around because he has already shown himself to be easily swayed by her powers. (It takes him mere seconds to "imprint" on her daughter) Most likely she is already the continued offspring of this succubi plot since she has shown herself to be immune to vampire powers, and the plot is passed onto the next generation. So the continued genetic product will now have vampire power, and soon the abillity to transform into a beast form. I'm thinking that the future "Bella", if that's her real name, will be assimilating elves and draconians next. Or she could go after slenderman if she has aquired enough power. This would tie into thinking that Bella is the Big Bad of the series.
  • Alternately, she is a White Court vampire. White Court vampires are no longer actively vampires if they fall in love and consumate that love before otherwise feeding for the first time. Bella's mother was born a White Court vampire, but fell in love with her father, and was able to not become a full-fledged White Court vampire, however that first romantic liaison between them was when Bella was conceived. As we can see from Thomas Raith, only one of your parents needs to be a White Court vampire for you to be born a White Court vampire.
    • This is why Bella is immune to the powers of other vampires. She also exudes the pheromones that make White Court vampires irresistible, and so isn't as sexy as she thinks she is: people just react to the pheromones that way.

...Dead from page 30 onwards. She mentions that her dad assumed she was not depressed enough to turn his gun on herself when mentioning the gunbelt he hangs up. I choose to believe that she was and all the crap about vampires was just her imagining what might have been in the moment before she pulls the trigger.

...the grandchild of Anveena from Warcraft and "Gary" from Yu-Gi-Oh The Other Abridged Movie, and everything is a dream Korialstraz created to keep her busy while he tried to figure out how he could destroy her. Yes, really.

...A vessel for a quantum-leaper. This is based on the fact she asks "What year is it?" out of the blue when talking with her dad near the start of Twilight. I realised after thinking about it for a few moments that she was referring to her van, but I choose to interpret it the other way. It makes the whole thing more bearable for me.

...really got hit by Tyler's van in the school parking lot and is dying in a hospital - everything that happened afterward in the series is dreamed by Bella in a comatose state'''

...River Tam... The whole series is a nightmare she's having. Vampires represent the Alliance- physically beautiful and sparkling with wealth, but cold, hard, and dangerous. Edward in particular is the Academy, desiring her life and obsessing over her. Bella has no personality outside of Edward because the doctors essentially created River's personality as we know it. The wedding and transformation signify her worst fears coming true: she pledges herself to the Alliance and becomes one of them. Renesmee represents the carnage the government would use her to create.

...Her own Grandma... Bella got sent back in time and, in order to start a new life, changed her name to Pearl. Unfortunately, one side affect of the time traveling was that it took away her immortality and she started aging again. Stuff happened, she married her grandpa and procreated, and then her children gave birth to Bella. This all explains why her mind can't be read, she's just lacking the delta brainwave. Fry's mind cannot be read because of a certain time travel incident, so if Bella is closely related to Fry, then the "Edward can't read her mind" thing would actually make sense. Plus, people related to Fry tend to be a Weirdness Magnet.
  • She would have to be the twin sister of Fry's father— Fry's aunt/daughter.
  • Bella lacks the Delta Brainwave
  • It's why her mind can't be read, and also provides a reasonable explanation for all the questionable decisions she made throughout the entire Twilight saga.
    • Um, isn't there,like, three versions of this guess on this page? It's a great idea, either way; I'm just saying.
  • The Nibblonians are the reason why Bella became a "vampire"-she's a back-up in case Fry fails. Being ageless means she'll survive the next thousand years until the Brainspawn invasion.

...the granddaughter of a half-vampire. Bella curiously has a lot of vampire qualities for a human: She doesn't really like people or company, is not interested on human boys, really pale in spite of living on a sunny place before Forks, her power of shielding her thoughts, her secretive and introspective nature, her special scent. Since it looks like Charlie is the one that she this qualities even his clumsiness. And Charlie is from Forks then his mother may have had some vampire blood in her, enough to pass it on to her father and then on her. In a moment Bella notices how his father had certain charm that makes her understand why her mother would marry him after high school so fast that would be the dazzling at work on Renee. And since Bella did exactly the same with Edward one could guess that SM gave us a hint. Also Charlie was waaaay to eager not to ask details about his daughter new hotness and the girl that looked a lot like her and husband but was too old to be there. Maybe he does knows some family stories and decided to leave it like that because he knows about the Vulturi's rules.
  • If that were true, Twilight would suck maybe 38% less than it does now.

...a Psychopathic Manchild. She's so childish she's willing to leave her real-world friends, family, education, and obligations to go live in a world of magical sparkly vampires and super-special-awesome powers. She likes all the big toys the vampires give her. And although she doesn't do anything openly evil, she's probably a psychopath in the clinical sense, since she has no sense of empathy for anyone and manipulates all the people around her all the time.

...suffering from a case of Histrionic Personality Disorder. Go to look it up. Bella displays MANY of the symptoms, and they're quite prominent in the story. She's very obsessed with appearance; she thinks lowly of people who aren't beautiful, and won't shut up about how gorgeous Edward is. She doesn't like it when she isn't the center of attention, which is why every single aspect of the story is focused on her, and also explains why she leads another guy on when one leaves her, and has them fight over her when she knows who she'll choose. Those with histrionic personality disorder also tend to believe that relationships are more intimate than they really are, which would explain why she fell in "love" with Edward so quickly. She can be overly emotional and sensitive as well and makes a few rash decisions.

...suffering from a (mild?) case of Body Dismorphic Disorder. There is a reason Bella is so determined to think that she's unattractive despite so many boys falling for her. She has undiagnosed (mild?) Body Dysmorphic Disorder! She literally can't see her own beauty and can't fathom why anyone (let alone hot man hunk Edward) would like her. She doesn't display a huge amount of the symptoms, but she definitely has the thought processes that go with it. Her angst about being ugly goes away when she becomes a vampire because vampires are inherently stunning.

...actually brain-damaged. We never see her in Phoenix, and she's incredibly uncoordinated and irrational. She got into some sort of accident in Phoenix, and it damaged her brain to the point where she got everything backwards or exaggerate. For a while, Renee was taking care of her, and Bella recovered to the point where she was able to cook and clean well enough to do favors for her if Renee was busy. Bella thought of this as taking care of Renee. However, Renee and Phil were not able to adequately care for Bella and it was putting a severe strain on their relationship, and felt that Charlie would do a better job. Bella likes the idea of seeing her father, and thinks of it was her being a good daughter letting her mother and new stepfather have time together. When she meets the Cullens in Forks, they proceed to take advantage of her, planning to eat her at one point, but Edward wimps out and falls into some sick, twisted form of love with Bella, which Bella thinks is totally sweet and not creepy at all. As for Renesmee- the pregnancy actually takes the usual nine months, but Bella still has terrible stretch marks, and the Cullens get some sick sort of satisfaction in making Bella drink actual human blood. Jacob is actually a pedophile who is jealous of Quil and Claire's "relationship".

Also, James and his coven were trying to rescue Bella and destroy the Cullens for taking advantage of her. He was also trying to save Alice, but Alice escaped, was transformed into a vampire, and joined the Cullens. Alice and Bella, however, are told that James is evil and out to eat them.

...addicted to vampire pheromones. This is why she's so obsessed with Edward's scent. Anytime she feels lightheaded due to Edward's presence is simply because of a sudden influx of pheromones. He said it himself: everything about him is designed to draw her in, even his breath. The breath thing makes perfect sense, evolutionarily speaking. It's the perfect way to deliver airborne chemicals when you're up close and personal, and vampires don't need to breathe, so what else would they do with their lungs? They probably get converted into pheromone factories when they change - all that inner surface area has to be good for something.

Now, back to the subject of Bella: when she's catatonic in New Moon, it's not just because of the breakup. Her reaction is way too over the top for that. She wakes up screaming in the middle of the night, has violent temper tantrums (i.e. mood swings), and claws out the stereo from her truck with her bare, bleeding hands. She's going through withdrawal. The stress and emotional pain she's going through is just weakening her body, rendering it more susceptible to illness and sending her into a downward spiral. After four months, the symptoms are finally abating, and she starts hanging out with Jacob, which lifts her spirits enough to speed her up on her way to a full physical recovery.

Buuut...then Alice arrives, sending her into a relapse. Notice how the first thing Bella does with Alice is to try to inhale as much of her scent as possible. From there on, any progress that Bella has made is quickly undone. By the time she's with Edward on the plane home, she's content just to sit with him face-to-face, breathing in his pheromone-laden breath for the several hours it takes to get back. It's worth noting that in Eclipse, she specifically names this moment as the best of her life. You could say it was from the relief of having Edward back, but let's face it: she had plenty of other reasons.

...The Big Bad The minute Bella decides she wants to be a vampire, it becomes pretty much inevtable that she will become one. So, as soon as she decides, Alice sees that if she does become a vampire, she loses control, and goes on a gigantic rampage. She clues humans in on the existence of vampires, but other vampires can't kill her. The world is plunged into war between supernatural beings human (who want to kill the vampires for their own safety), and life as we know it ends.

The Cullens can't just kill her, though, because that would piss off Jacob and, as soon as he found out about them (right at the beginning of his transformation, when he wouldn't be able to control his temper) he would order his pack into war against the Cullens, once again sparking the humans to find out, and war. Same goes if they just avoid her entirely, because she attracts supernatural phenomena like a turd attracts flies (appropriately enough), who would kill her, werewolves go ballistic and blame the nearest vampires (the Cullens) and so on.

Edward doesn't actually love her, if this is the case. He's just using her love of him as a chance to train her and keep her in check when she changes. After all, they put a hell of a lot of effort into keeping her out of trouble, weening her off of blood a bit at a time instead of just going somewhere away from people and cold-turkeying the shit out of her. As for why Edward has sex with her in this situation? He's a perpetually-teenaged boy who hasn't had any contact with a woman in almost a hundred years - like hell he isn't horny. It also explains why he's so over-protective of her. if she gets out the Cullens' influence, the end of days happens. Edward breaking up with her is not out of trying to protect her, he just got fed up with her ass.

As an added bonus, it may even retroactively explain Bella's Mary Sue-itude: Having no personality to speak of, Bella wouldn't have anything keeping her even vaguely human. all of the other vampires hold themselves back based on compassion, or vampire law, But if Bella tasted blood there's a good chance she would go feral: Like a newborn, but with the strength of a full vampire and the ability to reason. Additionally, the fact that no mental powers affect her and how attractive she is to everyone around her could be a single vamp power: She may have a sort of pacifying aura, meaning that no one could really fight her.

...contracted with Kyubey... I will post the entire hypothesis on the WMG forum.

...the Third Wife's descendant. This theory was inspired by a complaint on the Just Bugs Me page which mused that the Third Wife might have had the same tasty blood that Bella did. Now, we've seen that Bella gets her special blood from Charlie, so it's apparently a genetic thing. Assuming that Charlie's family has lived near the reservation for a while, it's not impossible that one of his ancestors had a kid with a Quileute descendant of the Third Wife. This would also fit in with how parallels were drawn between Bella and the Third Wife.

...a Fetch, and Twilight is set in Changeling: The Lost. The REAL Bella Swan was stolen away by the Fae when she was a young child. The Fetch left in her place was a shallow but idealistic that, while not a sociopath like many other Fetches, lacked a distinct sense of self-preservation provided she had something to attached herself to; this being a result of a deeply buried awareness of her nature, thus compelling her to attach herself to someone larger than life to make herself feel more 'real'.

Hence her reckless need to have Edward around. When he was there, she felt like a real person. When he disappeared, she went nearly mad because she didn't have that hint of humanity anymore, and without it or anything to replace it, she was growing constantly closer to realizing just what she was. Jacob filled that void for a bit, but she was already attached to Edward. Hence her odd idealization of 'true love'; it's not real love or even infatuation or anything HUMAN; a True Fae's idea of what love is, implanted in her consciousness.

Also, the reason Edward can't read her mind? Edward reads HUMAN minds. Bella is a incredibly convincing simulacrum placed by an Eldritch Abomination that stole away the REAL Bella Swan; he simply can't read her mind, and he's never met a Fetch until now.

This begs the question; could the REAL Bella escape Arcadia, and if so, what will she do when she finds what the Fae left behind? More likely than not, given her Mary Sue themes, Real!Bella will be of the Fairest Seeming. Or, for irony's sake...the Ogre Seeming.

...the true writer of the series, with Edward over her shoulder. Bella is dying [without Edward realizing it (I'll get to it)], and decides to write her memoirs before she kicks the bucket. She is currently presiding at the Cullen's place with Edward, her emotionally abusive vampire boyfriend-turned-husband. Though she tries to write at the best of her abilities, she is still at a high school writing level, which explains the crappy writing. (As noted in the Troper Tales page for it, Purple Prose is greatly encouraged in high school) However, Edward, being the self-designated protector of Bella, keeps a constant watch on her every move, and takes great displeasure in seeing his beloved write such things as "stalker", "abusive", and "God I'm so afraid of him." So, naturally, he threatens her into writing him as a "caring" and "beautiful" boyfriend, which changes much of the way the story is told from here on out.

As Bella begins writing New Moon, she becomes gradually entranced by her memory of Jacob. She starts to write him more and more as a romantic interest; at first, subtle enough to elude Edward's notice, but eventually he catches on. Bella, in compliance, slowly adds imaginary faults to Jacob to slowly drive the two apart. Bella begins feeling worse and worse, and by the time Breaking Dawn Is nearly finished it is revealed that she is dying due to complications in the birthing process. Before she dies, though, she tells Edward how she really feels about him, which cuts at him deeply, and he decides to leave for her sake. Bella finally dies before finishing the final chapters, leaving her memoir incomplete.

Eventually, Edward returns to find that Bella is dead. This puts him in great psychological and emotional turmoil, and it takes him years to cope with it. As a sort of penance, Edward decides to finish the memoir himself. He makes it a happy ending, with Bella turned into a vampire and the two of them marrying. Edward leaves the memoirs outside Bella's house to put her family's minds at ease, and then leaves to walk the earth, searching desperately for closure.

Now, as fate would have it, Bella's annoying neighbor Stephenie Meyer (of whom Bella had intentionally avoided writing about) found the memoirs and, for some reason thinking them genius, decided she would make some money off of them. Some things added here and there (Bella and Edward's love for Muse, the vampire's "sparkle", and the names of some characters), and she went off to the publisher's office. Two year's later, and she's made a small fortune off of the writings of a dying girl and her broken lover.

See Meyer? I can do it too. It's not hard.
  • You are a GENIUS!
  • Damn! Puts a whole new spin on the story.
  • There has to be a fanfiction about this.

...Justine, in a future Alternate Universe Both are sociopathic pale-skinned brunettes, caring little about the lives and feelings of everybody around them and seemingly unable to have feelings themselves (how many times did Bella have to fake emotions ?). Both also have guys madly in love with them. Both feel they are above laws. Both have names related to beauty : Bella Swan, Justine Florbelle. Of course, the main difference is that while Bella meekly submits herself to the men's will, Justine tortures her suitors. And about the Suitors, one of them stalks Justine (Aloïs), one of them is implied to having abused her (Basile), and one of them wants to eat her (Malo)... and Bella is in love with men that stalk her, abuse her and want to eat her (at least one of them).

... Bela Talbot. Tying into the "Bella is sick and using Edward to live" theory above, Bel/l/a is trying to avoid her approaching death and eternal damnation due to her Deal with the Devil by manipulating Edward into changing her into a super-strong, Nigh Invulnerable vampire to protect herself from getting killed by hellhounds and/or demons.

...was bullied at school in Phoenix. Basically, the oft pondered issue of Bella's low self esteem (which stays low in spite of all the attention she receives for her looks) can be explained away by bullying that took place when she 12-14. She was an ugly duckling who didn't start growing into her looks until she was 14/15, and due to years of being called ugly and being isolated by her classmates, she became convinced that she was very plain (developing Body Dismorphic Disorder as mentioned above), and got used to not having friends and being aloof. That's why she fails to develop attachments to her peers at Forks High. I struggle to explain her attachment to the Cullen's though. Probably because their vampirism holds the promise of eternal beauty (a cure for her body image) and unusually strong attachments (namely that mating thing, that seems to seal people together forever.) Lastly, she doesn't mention the dark period in her life because at that age, when it's over, most people try to forget. I have friends (plus me) who went through bad stuff in high school, but they would never volunteer the information, and constantly downplay it. I'm not saying they're wrong to (I do it as well), but it makes it easier to understand why Bella never mentioned it beyond "I was unpopular".
  • This seems plausible. It must have halted her social and emotional maturation processes, which is why she talks, behaves and thinks like a child.

... A Ghoul. Bella was already enslaved so that Edward could feed on her delicious teenage blood. The novel series is simply her rationalising her ditching humans and her unquestioning devotion to Edward As Edward feeds on her more and more she becomes more blindly loyal. And book 2 has blank pages where Edward leaves because what does a ghoul do with the vampire that made it?

... A massive thanatophobe. Bella is completely terrified of death. The reason she acts so callous to her friends and family is because she is that afraid of the prospect of dying-even if she becomes a crime against nature.

...A vampire otherkin. She isn't actually in love with Edward, just with what he represents. When presented with the opportunity to change herself to match how she feels internally, she can't resist.

...A Marauder The "vampires" and "werewolves" are actually Hobgoblins the severely depressed and inferior-feeling Bella, having Awakened far, far before she was ready and terribly lonely and abused. She created Edward, the Cullens, and later Jacob (based off the real Jacob Black, who simply moved away after befriending her and likely has no idea this is happening) and the werewolves out of a desperate need for friends who were even more special than the popular kids who psychologically tortured her into insanity. In reality, Bella's "lolclumsiness" is a sign of terrible medical problems with coordination that pretty much everyone in school mocks, because Teens Are Monsters. Charlie actually moved to help find a not-crap school, but unknowingly failed, which is what provoked Bella's Quiet and the creation of the "supernatural elements". The infamous "blank pages" were actually her getting better for a bit when Edward helped her out of her depression, only for her to relapse when her Reality Warper Power Born of Madness wore off and she was again bullied for her inability to control her limbs, which caused her to finally lose the battle for her sanity and spiral into complete reality-altering delusion. Her "becoming a vampire" was actually her finally being shunted into her personal realm in the Umbra, where she, perhaps, can finally be happy.

Bella was impregnated by Edward literally acting as an Incubus.
OK, so Stephenie Meyer has apparently responded to the fact that Edward's sperm should be entirely non-viable by stating he's an incubus. Let's ignore that popular myth portrays an incubus as living off sex energies and focus on how an Incubus worked in many myths. What would happen is that an Incubus and a Succubus were the same thing, able to shift from male to female. They were unable to produce sex cells, so instead they would pose as a Succubus, sleep with a man, somehow alter the sperm in their bodies, then turn into an Incubus and impregnate a woman with demon spawn.

Or, see Pink Court theory above.

Obviously, Edward slept with a man, somehow transported his partner's sperm from his ass to his testes, changed that into vampire sperm, and then impregnated Bella with it.

All the "Sue" problems are because Bella is damaged psychologically.
She hates the way she looks, despite being quite pretty, and the boys all think she's hot. Very common issue in teens. Also, the fact that she falls so hard for Edward and has no problem with his stalker behavior just screams more psychological damage. Twilight is thus the story of a girl with undiagnosed psychological problems and the vampire she clings to for comfort.
  • Sorry, this page is only for Wild Mass Guessing, not for stuff everyone already knows.
  • This is exactly how I've gotten through the past three movies and (after Eclipse catalyzed my long-building interest in all the side characters I've heard so much about) plan to read the books.

Everything after Edward abandons Bella in New Moon is an increasingly complex and disturbing delusion that Bella is having.

She starts building it during her months of catatonia, but we don't see any of it until she first sees Edward's ghost, and by then her fantasy world is already at danger levels. Jacob tries to help her by getting her out of the house and giving her someone to talk to, but she only incorporates him into the delusion. Jacob's personality shift after he supposedly fursplodes for the first time is actually because he finally realised how far gone she was, tried to get her professional help, and eventually exploded at her in anger and frustration for losing her mind over Edward. Bella interprets her falling-out with him in her delusion as lycanthropy. (Heck, she's seen that vampires are real, so why not werewolves too?) As her loneliness grows and it becomes clear that Edward really isn't coming back, her fantasy brings him back to her - and not only that, but has him propose to her. Yet she still misses Jacob, so she brings him back in a love triangle situation, but her mind has warped Jacob's personality beyond recognition. Her delusion finally culminates in the disturbing events of Breaking Dawn - when, in reality, Bella has been in a mental hospital for 2 years.

Bella and Jacob used to be connected by the red string of fate, but it was torn apart.
Note: I don't know how to put links in the title of a WMG, but I suggest you go here before reading this theory. Bella and Jacob were actually supposed to be each other's soul mates, but by the first book, they have barely seen each other since they were kids. She gets in to a relationship with Edward not too long after she gets to Forks, which is more lust/infatuation than actual love. The red string is still around their pinkies at this point, since it is still possible for the two of them to get together. In fact, they would have if Edward and Bella hadn't reunited at the end of New Moon. When Bella resolves to stay with Edward instead of Jacob in Eclipse, the string starts to tear, which is what is being depicted on the cover of Eclipse. Finally, Jacob describes his imprinting on Resenme, he says it was like a ton of strings where being detached from Bella and being re-attached to Resenme. I think you can tell where I'm going with this.

Bella DID get hit by Tyler's Van.
...And is actually in a hospital slowly dying.

Everything after New Moon is Bella's delusion.
You see, after she realized Edward left (and came back), Bella's mind knew that Bella couldn't live without him, so it did everything it could to keep Bella thinking that Edward was a perfect man. This is why even after he pulls stunts like taking the engine out of the truck, she doesn't even seem to notice something is wrong. In reality, Edward is stalking her, controlling her, and would be making her uncomfortable if she were thinking clearly because it's worse than ever before.

Of course, there's also the problem of Jacob. See, Bella's subconscious knew that she'd go to Jake if she was thinking straight, so it twisted Jacob around. It's only the Jacob in her mind that suffered mass Character Derailment. In reality he's still a sweet guy trying to deal with his girl wanting to be a vampire.

And the second half of Breaking Dawn? The pregnancy did kill her, and this is her heaven.

The main character is named after
Bela Lugosi.

The only reason Bella is a Mary Sue in the story is because it's told from her point of view.
Bella has Histrionic Personality Disorder, a personality disorder characterized by intense, unstable emotions and a distorted self-image. If you look at a list of symptoms, you can see that she easily fits nearly all of them. Bella believes she's more perfect than she really is, and when she tells her story, that's how she puts herself. Really, she wasn't very popular at school because she was so snobby. Her relationship with Edward really is abusive, but she fails to see it that way because 1. she doesn't believe someone so beautiful can be bad (obsession with physical appearance is a symptom of the disorder) and 2. she could never accept that she made a wrong choice. Every little thing in the story universe revolves around her because, again, it's how she sees things. She views herself as the most important person in the world, and she thinks everyone else also sees her that way. Her problem is not helped by the fact that Edward tells her she's so great: that despite being over 100 years old, he's never met another girl he was sexually attracted to, and he's never met anyone else whose mind he couldn't read. Those were both lies: he read her mind and knows how she sees things, and he just saw her as a girl he can easily take advantage of just by convincing her that he thought she was the most important person in the world. It was especially easy with Bella, as another symptom associated with Histrionic Personality Disorder is believing relationships are more intimate than they really are. (hence why she was so quick to fall in "love") He's done it with other girls in the past, and when he doesn't want them around anymore, he abandons them before he and his family move somewhere else and take on new names.
  • Then why did he try to kill himself?

Edward can't read Bella's mind because there's nothing going on in her head.
Admit it, that occurred to you, too.

Edward and the Cullens were lying to Bella to make her feel better.
Even if Edward couldn't read her thoughts, he could tell from looking at her that she had low self esteem issues, so he came up with a lie about how a bunch of boys liked her when she first came to school, when really, it was only Eric and Mike who did. He also lied about Tyler wanting to go to the prom with Bella because he liked her, even though he really was just trying to make up for almost hitting her with his car. These actions, either valiant or trying to be, caused Bella to think that all the boys at school loved her when really, it was just two hormone crazed guys.

Its the same with the Cullens. While they do like Bella, its not to the point where they seem to almost worship her. They also realized that she had low self-esteem issues, and go at lengths to tell her how beautiful and perfect she is. However, this only caused Bella to become more self hating, being told by people who really are beautiful that she was. At the same time, it also made her cling to Edward, who she sees as one of the only few people in the world who thinks she is beautiful.

...Brain damaged
That drowning episode in New Moon left her partially brain dead. She still has basic functions (she was already struggling with breathing right even before Edward left, so we can't blame the drowning for that part) but her reasoning and thinking skills, to the degree she had any, have all but left her. This explains why the rest of the series make no sense and much of it is hallucinated.

...suffering from a human form of Cerebellar Hypoplasia
For those who don't know, cerebellar hypoplasia is a condition that occurs in cats whose mother was sick with a virus, probably distemper, while pregnant. It's sheer dumb luck which kittens get hit with it and the ones who do wind up with a fucked up cerebellum, resulting in them being clumsy and unable to coordinate as well as an ordinary cat. Otherwise, they're fine. Renee got sick with something while pregnant with Bella, resulting in her getting something like cerebellar hypoplasia, which is why she's always falling over her own two feet: she can't coordinate properly because her brain is deformed. I can only assume that becoming a sparklepire somehow fixed her cerebellum, thus resulting in her having normal coordination.

...what? It's better than what Meyer gives us, which pretty much amounts to 'HUMANS ARE CLUMSY AND SUCK BUT MY VAMPIRES ARE GRACEFUL AND AWESOME SO BELLA CAN'T BE CLUMSY ANYMORE!'

The entire series is a romantic fantasy of Bella's.
C'mon, how many times has it been said that Twilight reads like a bad fanfic and/or teenage girl fantasy? This leads to the conclusion that Bella, in reality, is a normal high school student who has an enormous crush on the Big Man on Campus of her school, Edward Cullen. She writes down her fantasies about him being her boyfriend, adding things about him being a vampire and making him an angsty and abusive Bastard Boyfriend to make him more "desirable".

Bella Swan is an unknowing super-weapon.
Bella's mother Renee was a hunter of the supernatural threats to the world, and researching how to make a super-weapon against vampires. Bella was an attempt at making a hybrid of the supernatural and natural-a human who would unwittingly possess numerous anti-vampire powers, such as immunity to telepathy and More Than Mind Control abilities. The unwitting part was so no-one would suspect the thing. As a result, Bella Swan is a Paradox Person bordering on Humanoid Abomination.

Bella is Edward's thrall
Which is why she can never stop thinking about him. Also when she was enslaved by him, she lost all of her emotions and every memory of ever having any.

     Edward Cullen 
Edward Cullen is:
...Lesbian.
  • Obviously.

...Cedric Diggory. Seriously, his "death" at the hands of Lord Voldermort was a flimsy excuse to go into hiding because somebody at Hogwarts found out about his secret.
  • Or he was trying to commit Suicide by the Big Bad so he didn't have to spend another annoying minute with the other Cullens. All that the Avada Kadavra did was knock him out for a few days.
    • I love you so much for this.
    • ...This troper's schoolteachers did a skit playing with this exact same idea. Oh my God, I think we're on to something!
    • It actually seems to be a popular rumor/known fact/joke among This Tropers friends. And none of them read TV Tropes (despite many attempts at conversion into One of Us.
      • It doesn't surprise me. Contrary to popular believe most HP and TL fans overlap and the talks about the two worlds being the same had been around the net for a while.

...Bizarro. It explains how he gets superpowers and looks all diamondy in the sunlight, and why he's a complete idiot.

...Feeding on Bella throughout the book. This is why she faints constantly, feels dizzy, and is occasionally too weak to stand.
  • This is both actually plausible and would instantly give Edward back his 'real vampire' rep (all that sparkly stuff was obviously just an act).

...Really stoned. He feels little pain, he's really paranoid, he loves music, his senses are, well, hypersensitive and he's rarely, if ever bored. He may or may not be lying about the "vampire" thing so he doesn't have to admit to Bella that he's a 24/7 drug addict.

...Really stoned. Vampirism doesn't turn people into diamond, it merely turns them into vampires. However, the Volturi and/or one of Carlisle's sire-ancestors realized that stoning prevents sunlight damage and vampires can still move when stoned.

...An aspect of Nyarlathotep. This one goes along with the first entry. Edward is constantly described as being so beautiful that words on the printed page can't possibly do him justice. Printed words also fail to describe the mind-shattering horror of Nyarlathotep and his ilk. Also: in Nyarlathotep's first appearance, he takes an almost-human form and drives the increasingly unreliable narrator into madness as one of his unquestioning followers. Coincidence? I... think... NOT!!
  • Then what the hell is Nessie?
    • One on the Million Favored Ones, of course!

...Michael Jackson. Pale and wears make-up? Check. Goes for people much, much younger than himself? Check. Women swooning? Check back in the 80's. Sparkles? Check Micheal's wardrobe for much of the 80's, and tell me he doesn't.

...Lying when he said he believed that vampires lost their souls. In New Moon, we learn that Edward doesn't want to turn Bella because he's afraid she'll lose her soul. Oddly, he never mentioned this in Twilight when it would have been advantageous for him to do so. He also stated that he didn't lose anything when he was turned. Surely something as important as a soul wouldn't slip Edward's mind! A reasonable explanation is that Edward started claiming he didn't believe vampires had souls sometime between Twilight and New Moon in order to scare Bella out of having herself turned.

... Pietro de Bloodeau I, in an Alternate Universe. It'd mean that Pete (Who's Pietro de Bloodeau II), who's a canon half-vampire, would be the AU, gender-swapped version of Renesmee. Poor kid.

...really a traditional vampire. Those good looks? It's all vampire seduction magic! How he sparkles? He applied body glitter all over his body to block out the sun and keep him from bursting into flames! His whiny attitude? Who Wants to Live Forever?? It all makes sense!
  • So all the vampires in the world are coincidentally doing this, even when Bella's not around? And what about the super-powers.

...popular because he's a redhead.' Think about it. Edward is a Red-Headed Hero (Smeyer states that he has copper hair) and all Heroes Want Redheads. You do the math.
  • So all Team Edward's are heroes? As much as I love the compliment you might want to rephrase that...specially here.

...a eunuch. He's been a teenager for 108 years, and became a bookworm while all the other teen vamps were fucking like mad rabbits. Go figure. His treatment of Bella is because he lacks any understanding of how a relationship is supposed to work (probably from romance novels). And of course he refuses to have sex until married, and THEN he has to knock out Bella... for all we know he had his friends run a train on her while she was out cold. And of course, after he bites her, she's too under his spell to notice.

That's right fangirls, NO SPARKLY DICK FOR YOU!
  • OH MY GOD! Jack Sparrow is a Troper!
  • He still (possibly) has sparkly penis, he just can't use it. ...unless you are one of the people that consider his nipples and everything to always be hard.

... RED teenager from benevento. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fairy_witch_trials_of_Sicily don't find similarity interesting?

... asexual. Take into account the above, but also that he doesn't want to have sex with Bella. He says it's because he's afraid to hurt her with his super-strength, but it's because as a human he had no sex drive, and now as a vampire the only thing he feels during sex is the visceral response to having a living, breathing sack of blood so close by, and so yielding. While he may be fond of Bella, he certainly doesn't act like he wants to jump her bones or anything.
  • This troper would like to mention a thought that crossed her mind whilst writing her own vampire novel (which is not vampire romance and shall hopefully one day be better recieved by troper-type people than Twilight is. *nervous glances*): Vampires don't get horny because they don't have to have sex to procreate. Sex is, on a purely biological level, for making more things like oneself. Vampires don't have to do that, they just bite and then wait a few hours (or days, depends) and there's another member of the species. Therefore, there'd been no purpose for a vamp-ified body to continue to make the hormones that makes you horny.
    • I like your idea, but word of advice, try to get it published fast or be prepared to shelve it for the next 20 years. I think the Vampire romance subgenre reached its saturation/lowest/highest level with Twilight (we also had Buffy, True Blood, Vampire Diaries...), it won't get more romantic/corny/trashy than Edward: The sparkly vampire thus after the TL fever stops people won't want to read vampires are sexy for a long, long time. In fact I predict the genre will go back at vampires are dangerous monsters and you should stay the hell away from them in a few years, YMMV.
    • ...she said it's NOT a sexy-vampire type story...

...a very self-conscious individual.

There's an "Edward has a small penis theory" floating around TS. Since he is often compared to art pieces where the men have this problem; he admits he can't please Bella and over compensates with expensive gifts and the way he behaves about sex among other things. I found it hilarious, but that's just me.
  • Well...the artwork comparisons are because that was the standard of beauty in the time of the Romans/Greeks. But I can't disagree with anything else.
    • Bella even compares him to Michelangelo's David in one of the books. But the thing is, David is about to battle a giant in the context of that sculpture. He's afraid and certain... things... are retracting. What with the fear and all. But what with Edward's diamond-hard everything, it can't be that. So... yeah.
  • Someone just needs to tell Edward that it ain't the size of the boat... it's the motion of the ocean.
    • It's a helluva time to try and get to England in a rowboat, though.

... Captain Planet.
Captain Planet sparkles. Edward sparkles. Nuff said.

...descended from Liam of Galway.
Apparently, self-loathing and stalking are just as inheritable traits as an angular[sic, not Rouge Angles of Satin] prettyboy face. Carlisle is from Angelus' (or at least The Master's) line, with a good deal of age and some magical enhancement (perhaps the "venom" is a form of the Hearthrob potion, or a less versatile, Red Water version of the Gem of Amarra), hence their family's and the Volturis' resistance to sunlight (Carlisle may have been doing some vampiric geneological research and met Spike, hence the hairstyle).
  • You could claim then that there is a whole line of emo vampires from all of wich Edward descended. He has more of Louis de Pointe du Lac, than from Liam IMO, so it could be a whole line descended from the original tortured emo vampire...Varney maybe?

...the Forks equivalent of Furude Rika See "Meyer is Ryushiki07".

...a man-whore and really CAN read Bella's mind. Edward, in actuality, is a man-whore. He picks the girl he wants, and manipulates her to fall for him. He always does this soon before he leaves to a new place, for reasons I am about to explain. When he decides he wants Bella, he reveals his vampire identity to her, as he does with all the girls he seduces. He tells her about his mind reading powers but tells Bella that he can't read hers. This is a lie, of course, but since he can read her mind, he knows that she likes to feel special. He initially just intended to seduce her, have fun for a while, and then kill her off before he assumes a new identity and moves to another town. But then Jacob entered the picture, and things got complicated. Jacob was jealous that Edward had a girl, and he wanted Bella for himself. Jacob comforted her after Edward left, but Edward found out about their relationship and came back just to spite Jacob. The thing is, Jacob and Edward have had a long, violent, serious rivalry and will do ANYTHING to one-up the other, even if it means getting married, like Edward eventually did

Joseph Smith.

Suffering from a certain level of Values Dissonance. He was already an old man by the sexual revolution of the 1960s. Edward Cullen's opinions on sexuality hasn't changed since the 1910s, hence why he seems so stuffy and sexually awkward-it was considered taboo to have sex before marriage/masturbate back then. Granted I don't think his sexism fits with the 1910s, but that's another issue.

Edward can't read Bella's mind because she's an Audience Surrogate and therefore has no thoughts of her own.
Why didn't we realize it sooner?

The reason Edward can't read Bella's thoughts is the same reason the brains can't read Fry's.
Futurama, anyone? She lacks certain brainwaves and is just plain special.

Spoony has it right. Edward can read Bella's mind
There's just nothing there.

Edward Cullen attended Hogwarts
Harry Potter takes place in the nineties, and as far as I can tell, Twilight is in the 2000s. Edward wanted to see what all the wizardry fuss was about and attended Hogwarts. Being one of the nicest vampires, he got placed in Hufflepuff. Cho would've been in Bella's place had he not been attacked by Voldemort. See, this brand of Twilight is a secret even to the wizards, and he didn't want to blow his cover, so he played dead until people stopped watching him, then he went on to do whatever he did until he enrolled at the high school at Forks. Also, notice how it seemed to be perpetually foggy at Hogwarts during the whole tournament.
  • Well we know vampires exist on H Pverse, but we never saw them and if I remember right this vampires according to canon can be killed by burning. What I like about this WMG is that Bella said that if Angela where a witch she would also be welcomed to her freaky circle of loved ones. Maybe Angela could turn out to be a witch that didn't got her letter from Hogwarts from some magical reason or that refused to attend, due to her family's superstition. I mean I can't imagine all moguls were okay with having wizard kids all the time...Some should be able to be nice parents that hate wizardry.
    • Angela not attending Hogwarts can be explained by the fact that she's American, and would probably go to an American wizarding school. Her parents might instead home school her, which has been said to happen.
    • Another issue with this theory is that Edward had been reading Angela's mind for some years now, wouldn't he knew that she is a witch? Unless Occlumency can also plant false thoughts or she can tell when Edward is on her mind and she starts to think nice things to avoid being discovered.
  • Alternativly, he could have just been Cedric Diggory until he was bitten by Carlisle who was building an army to overthrow the Voltori and take over the world, Of Course!. Cedric used potions to supress the urge to bite people. After Wormtail "killed" him and was buried, Carlisle captured him and messed with his memories and made him Edward Cullen, also removing his personality so he could be controlled easily.
    • Carlisle could be lying altogheter, he lived with the Volturi's so maybe there is a vampire that can mess with memories. Carlisle looked for a companion and saw Cedric and was planning to sire him when Voldemort killed him, he had his heart beating still so as soon as the dark lord left he bite him and tampered with his memories making him believe he has been around for over 90 years and made out his parent's story to make sure he wouldn't go looking for revenge or try to track his parents. The other Cullens are also being mindraped by Carlisle, and Edward mind reading abilities are limited he just made him beleive people can't trick him to make sure he doesn't know Carlisle true evil nature.
      • There is a vampire with the power to mess with memories... and it's Carlisle. That whole thing about his power being compassion is inconsistent with the WMG, and What Kind of Lame Power Is Heart, Anyway??
  • You enter Hogwarts at the age of eleven. Edward will eternally appear a seventeen-year-old. I don't think he could pass for eleven. Shame, because I wanted to write a fanfic about it.
    • He could be a transfer student. Hogwarts has to take in non-first years or the school wouldn't be very populated at all.

Edward can't read minds at all.
The whole story is written from Bella's point of view so we can't be sure whether Edward can read minds. By pretending that Bella's mind is the only one he can't read, Edward spares himself the burden of proving his ability to her.
  • Any time Edward supposedly reads minds, he only hears thoughts that are impossible to verify or are easy to guess. It's easy, for instance, to figure out that James wanted to hunt Bella or that the gang was thinking about doing "disgusting things" to Bella.

Edward wasn't a virgin before meeting Bella.
A perpetual teenager never having sex in the time it takes most people to die? Give me a break-even the most conservative person would've lost their virginity by age 108, and most people don't have the benefit of eternal youth. Edward Cullen is lying to Bella so she feels more special. Given his recklessness with Bella, Edward probably married decades ago.

     Edward and Bella 
Edward is ____ and Bella is ____

Edward is a loser, and Bella is nuts. This interpretation was offered by the actor who played Edward. Edward has a lot of self-loathing and low self-esteem and is unable to act normally in social situations. He attends high school mostly to punish himself eternally. Bella and Edward both have such low standards, outside of physical attractiveness, that each is able to see past the other's glaring faults - namely, Bella's obsessive and manic personality and Edward's crippling low-self esteem and inability to adapt to adult society. They're two incredibly misguided people who are in love with the idea of being in love with each other, along with physical lust, rather than truly being in love.

Edward is a Meth Addict, and Bella is delusional. Think about it. How is Edward portrayed? He has pale, "sparkling" skin and extreme mood shifts; he is frighteningly possessive; and he is shown to take things completely out of proportion. All of this can be explained if he is on drugs; even the "sparkling" is explained as Bella's deluded rationalization of his sweating during a drug binge. Bella is too needy, insane, or strung out on dope herself to care.
  • This works extra-well for film continuity— Edward doesn't sparkle there. He looks sweaty. Really, really sweaty. None of the other family members are vampires either— they are either one of Edward's paranoid delusions ('They're cannibals! They're going to eat you, Bella!') or Bella's way of rationalizing their oddness. They're just anemic.
  • To the person who wants to use this WMG (and any others): You're welcome to it!
  • Bella's actress has been photographed smoking a non-tobacco pipe of some sort.

Edward is The Joker, and Bella is Harley Quinn... ..in an alternate universe, where they are both teenagers and neither one is awesome. Think about it : a seemingly normal girl becomes obsessed with a pale-skinned Serial Killer. She claims to love him wholeheartedly, despite his constant abuse of her and insane moodswings. One day he dumps her, and she becomes morbidly depressed until she makes a new "best friend." She and said best friend have a good deal of sexual tension together, and if they hooked up the relationship would be at least slightly more healthy, but like it or not the girl will always go back to Mr. Pale Skin. What am I describing, the plots of "Mad Love" and "Harley and Ivy", or "Twilight" and "New Moon"?

Edward is a vampire with a soul, and Bella is a Slayer. Maybe all of the Cullens have souls, and the other vampires behave like vampires because they don't have souls.

Maybe Bella is a Slayer. Edward is attracted to her because vampires with souls are naturally attracted to Slayers.

Maybe there's a Hellmouth in that Northwestern town where Bella lives. It would explain the presence of vampires, werewolves, fairies and other oddities.

Maybe the reason the Black tribe knows so much about the Cullens and feel connected to them is that the sham of the tribe cursed the Cullens with souls.

Leah Clearwater is a Slayer. C'mon, one wolf-girl in all the pack? Her bloodline got mixed with her Calling and activated the wolf blood. Explains why she's wisecracking and bitter, never gets over her hatred for the Cullens - all vampires, and is easily the most badass female in the series.

Maybe vampires with souls are immune to the weaknesses (how many times has Angel been impaled in the heart/been near sunlight/been near a cross? And he's STILL "alive").
  • Also, the killings in New Moon are apparently caused by a newborn in Seattle.
  • Man, I feel kinda sorry for the Council, getting Bella Swan. She must be the worst, most useless Slayer they've ever gotten.
    • Or just the most manipulative one, that uses other people to do her job.
    • That doesn't exactly make things better, from the Council's perspective.

Edward is a stalker and Bella is a whore desperately seeking affection from even the most questionable of sources.

Do I even need to elaborate?
  • I'd say this is canon, but she gets plenty of love-her parents, students, etc., but she ignores it.

Edward is on the autistic scale and Bella is too.] Bella's clumsy - a classic Aspie trait. The reason Bella does not bond well with "normal" people is because to her, they're confusing and capricious. (Aspies often have a difficult time grasping the nuances of etiquette and social structure and whatnot, which often seem like a lot of pointless and arbitrary nonsense.) The reason some people perceive her as "mature" when she really isn't is because they mistake her inability to show emotion as emotional strength. Edward and Bella show unhealthy obsession with each other, and obsessive behavioral patterns are associated with autism and Asperger's.
  • Being an a-hole is not the same thing as having a social disorder

A large part of the reason they bonded was because being on the autistic scale, neither of them were prone to the behaviors that they found so confusing and off-putting in neurotypical people. To Bella, a vampire who might literally rip her to shreds is less terrifying than a pack of humans who might metaphorically rip her to shreds when she fails to follow their confusing and arbitrary social rules, because at the very least he'll try not to destroy her - something she cannot count on from her human peers.

Edward is Nonexistant, and Bella is imagaining the entire thing.
  • It explains away why she continually shuns the people who have actual emotions and feelings for her for the the aloof stalker. As the books go on, Bella slowly slips further and further into insanity. Eventually becoming bed ridden and unable to escape from the fantasy in her head. Jacob (and his family), in her head, are warewolves fighting the vampires. In reality, desperately trying to break her out of her vampire-based psychosies.

Finally, she becomes totally lost in the fantasy, while her former best freind latches on to the last vestiges of her once-sane mind, "imprinting", if you will, on the part of Bella that finally escaped from her now-delusionally-vampiric body.

Edward is Heathcliff and Bella is Catherine Earnshaw. Edward and Heathcliff are both abusive lovers, and Bella and Catherine are slavishly devoted to their abusers. It also explains Bella's obsession with Wuthering Heights itself.

Using a hypothesis such as the Thursday Next BookWorld, Heathcliff and Cathy could have replaced Edward and Bella while the book was being constructed. This explains why Stephenie Meyer swears that the Edward she created is the perfect boyfriend, but the Edward who ended up in the published books is an abusive jerk.

Edward is Tom and Bella is Jerry Jacob is a wolf, which is basically a dog, and we all know dogs hate cats, and Jacob hates Edward. Going by that logic, Edward is a cat. Now who is one of the most famous cats in the world? Tom from Tom and Jerry. Furthermore, Bella's surname is Swan, swans lay eggs, owls lay eggs, owls eat mice. And who is a famous mouse? Oh yes, Jerry, from Tom and Jerry. Therefore, Edward is Tom, and Bella is Jerry. And the whole romance thing? Just a plot by both Jacob and Tomward to eat Belljerry.

Bella and Edward are a pair of mentally ill teenagers who have constructed an elaborate fantasy world.
  • Bella starts out unfulfulled, feeling like the special one in a town of mundane hicks, smarter than all of them but not pretty. Edward shows up with his glamorous family of pseudo-incestuous adopted children, and she begins to notice the tells of the disturbing fantasy life he's living. (Carlisle is forced to tolerate and play along with his strange delusions, possibly because he is sexually abusive.) He leads her in by feeding her what she's supposed to "see"— his already pallid skin as paler than it is, his sheen of sweat after a manic episode as glitter like diamonds. Her visual hallucinations increase sharply after spending time with him, as he tells her what she's meant to see or her mind filling in the gaps regarding her beautiful, fantastic boyfriend. She is willing to help him play his games in exchange for his romantic and sexual attentions. She, the egotistical and aloof manipulator, plays at dominating his attentions at the same time as she is dominated. (Just wait for him to start leading her into petty crime...)

Bella and Edward's "love" is a prank by Jasper that went horribly right.
Jasper has been living with Edward for fifty years. That's fifty years of feeling the emotions of a self-hating, righteous teenager, AND getting second-hand emotions through said teen. Who can read your mind and does so every second (Midnight Sun), so Jasper could not ever complain. So when Bella arrives, Jasper plays with Edward's emotions into wanting Bella, just to show him that refraining from blood is not that easy. Edward's overreaction and escape into Alaska gave Jasper time to think of more things to do. And, to give Edward something else to think on for once, he makes Bella like him. And shifts Edward's emotions that way. Why Bella? Because Edward is already obsessed, and he does not get a positive emotion from her regarding anything. Playing martyr, disdain for her classmates, feeling superior and smarter, ... and still getting every guy's attention. Jasper just wanted her to teach her to appreciate (not necessarily return) good people being attracted to her. That's why, when Edward returns, Bella's so completely taken with him. And why after three days of him having more mood-changes than a pregnant woman, Bella decides she loves him. Edward has not ever been close to a female. As Esme says "I thought he was changed too young." He's attracted to Bella because he'd be attracted physically to any female. And, to his good-ol'-fashioned, naive mind, lust means love.

Edward wasn't really outdone by Jacob
He just overestimated Bella's perceptiveness. It was obvious to him that Jacob was manipulative, and he just figured Bella saw it too. Too bad she was carrying that gigantic Idiot Ball around by then.

     Jacob Black 
Jacob Black is:
...A reincarnation of Koga. He's a wolf who thinks his rival smells bad and who is after a girl who doesn't like him back.
  • If Rumiko Takahashi ever makes an epilogue where Koga marries Inuyasha and Kagome's daughter.... yikes!
  • I'm pretty sure this is the best WMG ever.

...Had imprinted on Renesmee while she was an egg. That's why he felt pulled toward Bella until right after Renesmee was born. And that's why he couldn't imprint on anyone else - he already had imprinted. It's the only logical conclusion.
  • Wasn't that exactly what the book implied?
  • Jacob fell for Bella before he became a werewolf. There was another member of his pack who imprinted on a classmate he saw everyday, but he didn't have any feelings for her until after he became a werewolf.
    • Jacob was used to being in love with Bella; when he did change, he didn't notice his imprinting to her unconceived child. Perhaps, since it was only half of what would be Renesmee, the change and effects of his imprinting weren't as strong as, say, Sam's.
  • It makes no sense. The purpose of imprinting is to secure the best possible mate for the perpetuation of the species. Therefore, a male shapeshifter will always imprint on a female. The egg has no gender until the sperm gets to it, so he couldn't have imprinted on it since it was basically genderless and could have very well ended up becoming a baby boy.
    • Does it make any more sense that Jacob imprinted a half-vampire? I find it very unlikely that a half-vampire and a werewolf would be very compatible, especially if it was to continue the werewolf species.
    • Aren't all eggs genetically more female, anyway?
      • All eggs do have an X chromosome, so, in a sence, yes. But that is exactly why an egg can't determine the baby's gender. It depends wholely on whether a sperm has an Y or X chromosome in it.

...The son of Sirius Black and Remus Lupin. He is a werewolf like Lupin, and his last name is Black. Enough said. And judging by the other biology errors in the book, Meyer making Jacob's egg get fertilized by two different people wouldn't be a stretch.
  • He has 24 fricking chromosomes. That's not too much of a stretch.
  • How are two white men supposed to father a Native American?
    • Welcome to Meyerland. Anything can happen here .
    • Clearly, Remus bit him. (Or is it just fanon that Potterverse werewolves cannot reproduce sexually?)
      • That would be fanon, remember he had a son with Tonks? Maybe Jacob is Sirius' love child and out of jealousy Remus bit Jacob, and then the kid... somehow... wound up in Washington...
      • He had a kid, right, but Teddy Lupin is not a werewolf. So you still should be biten by a werewolf to became one, and a kid of werewolf (unless bitten) would be human. In Potterverse lycanthropy is more like a disease rather than a different species.

'''...An Animagi and therefore a wizard along with his father Billy, Leah, Seth, Quil, and Embry and all other "shape shifters". The whole story about the "spirit wolves" is how the first wizards learned to become Animagi. Giant animals exist in the HP universe. They pretend to be "werewolves" to keep the Muggles (who are oddly nonchalant with mythical species) away from the Wizarding world, and to keep the Micolamaia away from people. They keep this act up to draw away from the Harry Potter style werewolves. Jake and the others go to a wizardry school in La Push, conveniently away from the major cities. The only Micolamia in Forks to know is Alice Cullen who became the Secret-Keeper and only kept the secret safe in exchange for Divination lessons.
  • Note how all the female Cullens have utterly useless powers. The power to be BEAUTIFUL and the power of MOTHERHOOD are even worse than Heart. Especially because Micolamia are already beautiful and motherly powers can't read minds and talk to animals. Alice can't predict the future well because she's a "vampire" and her "ability" was "Fashion Sense" or something lame like that. (Micolamia is Latin for sparkle vampire.)

'''...The same breed of werewolf that appeared in the MST3K episode "Werewolf." At least they're based on the same Native American legend. The yetiglanchi skeleton found in the film could be an ancestor of the Quiluete tribe, living in Arizona thanks to one of the United States government's many Indian relocation programs. A lucky gunman managed to shoot the yetiglanchi in mid transformation. The resulting skeleton, a bastardized hybrid of human and wolf DNA is the reason the resulting "wurwilfs" look nothing like the Quiluete's animal forms. Also, since Werewolf is set in Arizona, there's no reason not to think that Natalie, with her vacant looks and stilted, unfeeling line deliveries, is a close relative of Phoenix native Bella Swan.

Jacob and Sirius Black are brothers.
It could happen.
  • Likely untrue, but if it were, it would finally cause peace among Harry Potter and Twilight fans.

Jacob wrote the books.
They were all human kids in real life. Bella moves back to her childhood home and feels like an outcast. She then met Edward, an overly abusive and controlling boyfriend. She stayed with him in hopes of getting accepted into his neglectful family. They're all strange with different problems, Alice is mental, Rosalie is an extreme perfectionist, Jasper emotionally unstable, Emmett is even more abusive than his brother, Esme is OCD, and Carlisle is a secret cult leader/drug dealer. James is really a cop trying to get Carlisle to jail. They use Bella as a human shield, and the so called "poison" is nanos designed to paralyze the body for awhile. When Edward leaves ( because of his dads drug dealer status) , Jacob sees his chance to get Bella to fall for him, but Edward comes back since their other cover was blown and their Forks cover was pretty stable. Victoria is really just James' partner, and she brings some of the S.W.A.T team to help her. Jacob wants to protect Bella, so he asks his gang to help him. Again, the Cullens needed a human shield so they wanted to protect Bella. Then Edward forced her into marriage since he reasoned that he had scared off any other woman. Her negligent parents didn't bother enough to notice. They ran off Jacob, his only competitor, and he went into hiding for awhile. Edward rapes Bella at the honeymoon, but this is the second time, so that is why the fetus was so developed already, it was already in the process of growing. Edward thinks for awhile that this will slow them down, but then it dawns on him that this child could be trained for the business. The actual giving birth was very bloody and messy and Bella died in the process. Her corpse was very pale, and her body was a bit distorted, hence the transformation. He took the baby over to the reservation, which is actually miles away, to raise it since the Cullens are incapable of it and in honor of Bella. Now as the baby got older, it wanted to know who its parents were. He wrote Twilight as his glamorized version of his life, but adding a happy ending for everyone. He died before getting it to be published, so his "daughter" did it for him. That's why it seems like she doesn't know what she's talking about. You know it makes sense. :)

     Stephenie Meyer 
...an anagram of Erie Hymen Pest. This makes too much sense. Apply liberal Brain Bleach.

...Doing this on purpose. Stephenie Meyer Knows how terrible the books are, and did it on purpose. Bella and Edward's Shallowness? On purpose. The fact that some of the plotholes are still gaping? Totally on purpose. Stephenie Meyer was laughing as she wrote each book, gleeful at the thought of all the fans it would create and all the hate it would generate. She did it to make fun of everyone, and particularly authors who take that kind of writing absolutely serious. A satirical look at Stupid Female Literature became one of the most popular series of Stupid Female Literature. Because Satire is DEAD. Also, this Troper deoes not mean Stupid to be an adjective for Female. Stupid Literature. :)Satire is Dead I tell you. DEAD!
  • If this is true, then props to SMeyer. However, I bloody well doubt it.
  • In that case, does that mean SMeyer is a grown up Tara Gilesbie?

...Tara Gilesbe. Think about it. Tara is responsible for one of the most infamous fanfics. Stephenie is responisble for one of the most infamous novels. Both have a Mary Sue for the protagonist, and poor excuses for vampires. In the future, Tara wrote a sequel to My Immortal. It was worse than her original work, and people tried to kill her for it(it was that bad). So she stole a time machine and made a new identity for herself. Twilight? It's an improvement compared to what she wrote. Alternatively, My Immortal is something she wrote to get back at J.K.Rowling.

...Fearful of Twilight Fangirls. Meyer has read or watched Misery. Terrified of all the rabid Twilight fans she had no choice but to give the sugary fairy tale ending that is Breaking Dawn.
  • But that would imply that she could read.
    • She can't read Stephen King, that's for sure. Look it up. She never read any of his work because it was too "gory." Not that this troper would want Smeyer's unclean eyes touching real literature anyway.
  • Maybe she watched the movie.
    • Jossed; she has written a series of books.

...Not taking her books seriously. Instead of writing Twilight based off some creepy/wonderful dream she had and OMG FALLING IN LOVE WITH TEH EDWARDO, she knew what was going to make money with a Young Adult book and decided to give it a good try. After it proved to be profitable, she made up the dream for the lulz.
  • Welcome to show business, love.

...An agent of the Dark Kingdom (or something equally sinister), and she wrote Twilight to harvest energy from rabid fangirls. Girls read the books; girls fall in love with Edward; girls reach a frenzied state as their energy peaks, just before it's ready for harvest... yup, the whole thing reeks of a Dark Kingdom plot. ...Putting some sort of spell on the books to captivate teenage fangirls. Why else would this book's fangirls act so violently insane (even by rabid fangirl standards)? Meyer is hypnotizing them in order to form an army of fangirls to take over the world and make a "utopia" where sappy relationships like Edward and Bella's can exist. A side effect of this spell, however, causes pretty much everyone else to goddamn hate the books.

...The world's greatest troll. It's brilliant, guys. She writes a book that has no literary value whatsoever, and it's all one big joke. The rabid fangirls are actually the only people who are aware of this, and go along with it just to make everything that much funnier. One day, Stephenie Meyer will come before the world and finally pronounce it all to have been a hoax, and us antis will feel quite stupid.
  • She even left a subtle hint in character names. Bella and Edward. Bella is a reference to Bela Legosi, Edward is Ed Wood. These two combined to bring us "Plan 9 from Outer Space", often heralded as the worst movie ever. She was subtly cluing us into the joke.
    • Come on. Stephenie Meyer, subtle?
  • Or maybe these kids are just that stupid. You know, being 13~16 and everything...
    • Much as you'd like to believe it, not all 13-16 year old girls are that stupid. Many are, though. In fact, nearly all of them if you count the ones that were into the books/films briefly, then tossed them aside as foolish things of their use and vehemently joined the antis.
    • How dare you bring logic in here! >:(
    • Mental retardation isn't limited to just 13~16: http://www.twilightmoms.com/ Meyer is obviously a troll.
  • Hey, she's even trolled Anonymous.

...A Bizarro version of Joss Whedon. Let's look at the differences.
  • Devout Mormon - Existential Atheist
  • Woman - Man
  • Writes books about sparkly vampires - Writes TV shows about angsty vampires
  • Ends books with implausibly happy endings - Ends tv shows with implausibly tragic endings.
  • Is a horrible writer - is a good writer.
  • Focuses on a female character who is helpless against supernatural dangers - focuses on female characters who kick overwhelming dangers in the nuts
Or she just saw Buffy the Vampire Slayer and is Comically Missing the Point that Buffy and Angel's relationship is doomed from the start, and so unhealthy that they have to break it off.
  • Stephenie Meyer does not understand that Buffy/Angel did not end well, and tried to Mary Sue and Fix Fic it into working, but every attempt failed until she was reduced to writing Twilight to get a version that had enough Author Appeal.
  • Alternatively, she just wrote Twilight as a bad Take That against Joss sinking the Buffy/Angel 'ship.

...a pseudonym for Stephen King. Think about it. "Stephenie' is a feminine version of Stephen (maybe the alternative spelling was made in relation to his name) and 'Meyer' means 'higher or superior.' Like a King.

Stephen King created Stephenie Meyer either as a social experiment, something to add to his universe, or just to troll teenyboppers.
  • Considering Meyer's attitude, it also makes her name a lot more meaningful.

...Trying to bring about doomsday and have her cult of Cullenism take over the Promised Land - America

She does not dissuade these violent acts by Twilight fans, she does not even acknowledge that they exist. She declared a website, which is best known as Nazism, but with Sparkles and Not Aryans, the center of the Twilight universe. Yeah, this is getting to Scientology levels of evilness. However, instead of a battalion of lawyers, these people have a bunch of teens ready to go yelling about Uber Twilightmensch and the book's superiority and then accept whatever punishment heads their way. They are willing to do anything for the book, and this troper suspects Twilightlexicon.com as being the source of evil.

...In it strictly for the Money, Dear Boy.
$elf-explanatory.

...is the Greatest Vampire Hunter of All Time
Stephenie Meyer is actually a deadly vampire hunter who churned out a supernatural romance series entirely offensive to the creatures of the night with the sole intent of having raging vampires attack her, allowing her to find and kill them much more easily.
  • So she's rockstar!Lestat(ish)?

...is running a sociological experiment.
It's to test how people react to an (originally) Astro Turfing campaign for a poorly-written fluff book with such an insulting author, as opposed to a book with only one or two of the aforementioned problems. She canceled/delayed Midnight Sun because it was supposed to be the reports of the experiment in a semi-nonfiction novel form, but thanks to the "leak" (which was really a Harry Potter Goes To Phoenix situation) decided to add another stage to it. The results seem to be that people are sheep (which we knew), that many people don't read enough to form a well-based opinion on the few books they do read- not that it's necessarily a bad opinion, just baseless (which some of us know), and that a vocal fanbase will sell more copies in the short-term on non-fans "seeing what all the fuss is about" than a masterwork series of comparative length (which was interesting to find out).

...Trying to teach kids not to do drugs. It is Meyer's own idea that Bella is on drugs, and that the whole of Twilight is her hallucination. She's going to drop the fact on all of the twihards and make them see how crazy drugs make you. This will backfire, as Twilight itself is a drug to many of it's fans.

...An author unlucky enough to have her crappy early writing period fall into the hands of incompetent editors. Think about it. Smeyer said she liked telling herself stories but hadn't done a lot of actual writing before Twilight. When she finished Twilight, the fangirl factor came into play, first with her sister telling her to publish the book and then by the literary agent, editors, etc. not caring that the book was not fit for bookshelves because it had Edward in it. Then, as Smeyer continued writing, her skills grew but she had painted herself into the corner with Twilight-she was stuck writing about a whiny teenage girl and her abusive vampire boyfriend. By the time it came time to write a sequel, she was so sick of it that she didn't even try, explaining why Breaking Dawn was worse than the other three.
  • The backbone of this theory is that The Host, Smeyer's only non-Twilight publication, is surprisingly good. It had everything Twilight didn't-creative plotlines, intriguing characters, lots of stuff going on as opposed to just one or two themes fueling the story. The Host was published between Eclipse and Breaking Dawn. Clearly, she needed a break from writing what she didn't want to write.
    • The Host is the third worst book this troper has ever read. (The Twilight Novels barely make the top ten.)
  • The reason she hasn't mentioned any of this is because the radical Twihards would kill her family.
  • And Midnight Sun? Mourning what could have been. Twilight had potential. Bella could have had character development by responding more drastically to Edward's manipulation, specifically that in Eclipse. Jacob could have had a harder time struggling with duel personalities brought on by his transformation-the aggressive, moody werewolf side and the happy, smiley Jacob side-and Edward. Oh, Edward. Smeyer could have done so much with him-his struggle with what he is. His inability to relate to anyone, even his own family. He could have not wanted her to become a vampire because she had brought out the humanity in him and he was afraid to lose that. In the Midnight Sun draft, Ed actually has-gasp-personality. A negative, sarcastic one who can't see the good in anything, but he has one. Instead, Edward was, to put it bluntly, a creeper. Stephenie is now seeing everything she did wrong, and everything she could have done right, with the Twilight Saga and Midnight Sun is a way for her to try and make up for that. Futile attempt though it may be, this troper, who likes Twilight for what it could have been (can you say, fanfiction?) is ectstatic for Midnight Sun.
    • Smeyer mentioned on her website that she decided to do Midnight Sun because she was trying to get inside Edward's head and realized there was a lot more there than she had initially intended, which explains why he's so interesting in MS and so not in the main four-she realized too late and couldn't be inconsistent. Also, she said that she realized that "Edward's story was so much more interesting than Bella's," or something to that affect. Maybe I'm reading too much into it, but that always sounded like a subtle stab at the Mary-Sue she now realizes she created.
  • For what it's worth, I read somewhere that New Moon (and, by extension, the sequels) happened because the characters wouldn't stay put, and by the time Meyer was halfway through writing hundred-page epilogues for all of them, she realized she had another book on her hands. The fact that Edward could get away from her like that (never mind that he came back) is arguably a good sign for her writing ability.
  • And What about The Short Second Life Of Bree Tanner? Sure, it had its problems (a supposedly streetwise lower class girl who's been homeless for months having the thought processes of a sheletered middle class girl way too much like Bella being the most obvious), but despite hating the rest of the series (yes, and that includes Midnight Sun, it's just creepy when you realise how obsessive Edward actually was instead of just speculating for the lulz) I couldn't help liking it. That's her most recent book to date, and it certainly isn't bad even when having to work within the constraints of the Twilight universe - in fact, the book got so much worse when you get to the part of Bree's life you already knew about and it's all got to tie in.

...enjoys making characters but then doesn't know what to do with them. This would explain why, in Breaking Dawn, she introduces gobs of characters, tells about where they are from, their relationships, their powers, etc, and then doesn't have them do anything while Bella shields them. Judging by a short story by Meyer that this Troper also read (in which a female demon and a male half angel attend a high school prom), this is very much the case.
  • That explains the whole Jacob fiasco, as well as the characters that even the Hatedom admits have potential.

...an energy vampire who feeds off of negative emotions. Expanding on the original theory on S Meyer, that being the fact that she wrote bad books on purpose to troll everyone, it's wholly possible that she is, in fact, an energy vampire who feeds on the negative emotions geared toward her books by the haters. The more people there are who hate Twilight, the more powerful she becomes. This was all a Batman Gambit on her part to ensure she was fed plenty until Twilight's popularity dimmed.
  • She is going to live forever then!!!

...an actress hired by Seth Macfarlane. He created a straw conservative character for her to play in real life as way to get more story ideas. This is why on Family Guy Brian's book was so bad only The Rhode Island Society for "Special" Literary Excellence enjoyed it.

...Bella.
  • At seventeen she really meet a good vampire that loved her and invited her to be one of them and be beautiful and immortal. But given her large family and all her duties to them and her faith she turned his proposition down. Later after getting married and having a family on her own she realized that she had a once in a lifetime oportunity and that she still loves him, but now is too late, she needs to remaing the dutiful wife and mother and she is already too old to join her forever seventeen true love. So she decided to write a story with the happy ending her vampire love and her will never have.

...Ryushiki07.
  • The first book, at least, is interesting if read from an Anti-Fantasy perspective. If the "romantic" scenes between Bella and Edward, many of which are obviously Fantasy, never happen, we have no reason to assume that he has any feelings for her. All we know it that he is apparently terrified of her. I propose that Forks is trapped in a Hinamizawa-style "Groundhog Day" Loop, in which Bella kills Edward (the Forks equivalent of Rika) in each iteration.
    • You are the greatest person, ever, and this is the greatest WMG, ever.

...Infected by the Tuurngait.
  • The reason she says she hears Bella and Edward talking in her head is that they really are split personalities created by the Tuurngait. We don't know if Meyer exhibits other symptoms, though the fact that her books are so repetitive could be a consequence of déjà-vu. Her anti-human stance is actually due to the Tuurngait-created personalities' influence : Clarence in Black Plague would sometimes talk through Philip's mouth (as shown in the first video-chat with Annabel), so Bella and Edward should be able to do the same. Likewise, they are the reason for Meyer's warped view of love, among other things, since they cannot comprehend those feelings. Now, in a few years, Meyer's mind will probably be broken by all the Mind Screw Bella and Edward (and the other personalities that developed after them) submit her to, and she will turn into a pickaxe-wielding zombie (unless she just becomes completely insane like Red was in the end).

...a changeling.
  • She writes books that pander to teenage girls in order to gain a large fanbase to feed off of their love for her.

Stephenie Meyer is in love with her brother.
Think about it. Bella is Meyer's self-insert (They look EXACTLY the same, and Meyer admits that she would leave her husband if she ever met Edward or Jacob). Jacob Black is named ater her brother, Jacob. I think it's pretty damn obvious. Her brother doesn't feel the same way, so she made a fictional version of her brother to make it less Squicky. Didn't work.

Whore of Babylon.

Meyer will collaborate with Seltzer and Friedberg and create the most popular movie of all time.
Need I say more?

TV Tropes is now owned by Stephenie Meyer
Because Meyer is the only one who could find nothing wrong at what they did to Samus. Which means this site is gonna start praising Twilight and saying that there's nothing wrong with Bella Swan (since, as a very smart man pointed out, Samus is now acting exactly like Bella) and that Bella and Edward have great chemistry together.

The discussions between SMeyer and Fast Eddie should get fascinating.
  • Impossible. S Meyer couldn't possibly handle the power of this wiki.
  • Bitching about Twilight and Other M at the same time? Oh, my fucking god...

Twilight and Fifty Shades of Grey were written by the same person.
EL James was paid off to impersonate the author. The books are remarkably similar, as it's about some weak girl who falls in love with a sadistic domineering rich man. Both use abysmal purple prose. This was a marketing ploy to satisfy the lusts of frustrated middle-aged women as Twilight didn't have a sex scene. Fifty Shades of Grey fulfilled that, as there are at least 4 sex scenes there, most of them in rapid succession.

Stephenie Meyer is a real Evil Vampire.
Ok hear me out, she tries horribly to make Vampires seem romantic. The entire group of people aware of the series' existence is divided between those who like it and those who hate it. The ones that like it are sent subliminal messages hypnotizing them into wanting to become vampires. She replaced burning in the sunlight with sparkles to appeal to their vanity, while she makes them more invulnerable to certain attacks to give them the idea that once turned, they will be invincible; in actuality, she is building an army of the night.

Stephenie Meyer is a closet Satanist.
Mormons are gonna kill me for this, but seriously, vampires are supposed to be evil. Meyer herself admits the vampires kill people, go out of control, even turn others into vampires without their permission. Hence they're the dark force. But they're depicted as heroes, and they even sparkle in the sun like angels with halos! In Paradise Lost, Satan is depicted as the protagonist against God. Note halos mean angels, hence vampires are fallen angels ...

Stephenie Meyer has a fetish for. . .
Underage boys. This is why Edward, a hundred year old in a seventeen year old's body, fell in love with Bella. It also explains why Meyer made Edward and Bella teenagers instead of adults. Meyer has stated that she would leave her husband and kids if Edward or Jacob showe up at her door, further reinforcing this WMG. Alternatively, she has a fetish for her own characters. If she was sexually attracted to all of the non-human characters she made, it would explain why their beauty is described in Purple Prose.

Stephenie Meyer truly hates her father
Why is anyone's guess - he did give her his name and all - but seeing how Bella treats her father as well as how Meyer treats Charlie, I have no choice but to conclude that both Bella and Meyer really, really hate Charlie. Which makes no sense... unless he is a stand-in for Meyer's own father. I mean, let's face it, she's not that imaginative, so what character better to represent her father than... the main character's own father? He is obviously an idiot, the people of Forks must sleep uneasy at night with a police chief that unobservant, and Meyer has him do all these ridiculous things in bad judgment. There is no way around it: she resents her father deeply and with a passion.

     The Twilight Series Itself 
The books of Twilight themselves are:
...Written by a Vampire in an attempt to fool humans. Think about it. The Hero is a pathetic, self-centered human who falls head over heels for the Vampire - on appearances alone. Then notice that these Vampires SPARKLE and can be in the sunlight. This flies in the face of everything we have been told about vampires, and in the POV of one unpalatable heroine.

Perhaps the writer is herself a Vampire and has been one for so long that when she tries to write as a human, her prejudices shows, depicting her as weak cattle - fit to be vampire bait. The whole sparkling thing? Made up to make it easier to get food supplies.

  • So SMeyer is the author vampire from Harry Potter?
    • You mean Sanguini? Ace!
  • Alternately, it's a conspiracy devised by the Mekhet and Daeva clans, partly to make mortals less resistant to the Daeva, and partly to reinforce the Masquerade by spreading misinformation about the nature of true vampires. Can you imagine a Daeva walking up to a group of Twilight fans, excitedly claim he can't read the mind of one of the group, then invite her to a more secluded place to "stare into her eyes"?
  • You could go further by saying that S Meyer's complete removal of Vampires weaknesses is a ploy to make their prey even more vunerable by removing any form of protection humans had.
  • Supernatural played with this in one in season six, with a clan of vampires that sent attractive male vampires out to meet girls they'd met online, who then willingly walked into the nest, knowing they were with a vampire. They didn't get the same welcome Bella got though.
  • And the reason the vampires are such bad people in the books is that becoming a vampire causes the loss of ones moral compass. Stephanie Meyer can't write sympathetic heroes because, as a vampire, she can't comprehend actual goodness.

...The product of a typewriter/monkey scenario. Researchers finally tried the monkeys at typewriters experiment in effort to see if they actually could create the script to Hamlet. Instead, it resulted in the Twilight Saga. The researchers marketed it just for the lulz and was in fact never meant to be taken seriously. Stephenie Meyer is an entirely fictional character created by the researchers. To add to the hilarity, they made her a pudgy Mormon lady. They were devastated by the revolting twisted cult-like fan base that resulted, but after their first million they essentially sold their souls and now spend all of their time trying to market Twilight themed candybars.

...Mostly a delusion caused by Bella intentionally taking too much cold medicine to put herself to sleep in the first book. Don't do drugs, kids.
  • Or better yet, she really DID get hit by a car in the first book, and it's all a coma/drug-dream.

...Really just like Romeo and Juliet. Bear with me here. There is no Rosaline, but Edward has been hung up on his lost mortality ever since he was turned. He gets all mopey to the other vampires, they tell him to find a girl, maybe have a one-decade stand, he does but convinces himself he's in love when he really just wants to experience life through her. She's a hopeless romantic, and goes along with it. The Paris, the werewolf Jacob whoever, wants to take her back and very nearly has it sanctioned by the "Families" involved, but she runs off and sleeps with the Romeo. It's been updated, so she gets knocked up instead of married. The cool thing is (or the Squick thing, YMMV), this time Paris doesn't have to die, he just lets Juliet-Bella's daughter take her place. The only problem remaining is that she's now a vampire: that spark of life that Edward was so into is now gone, and he's going to go and get himself killed doing something stupid in the name of love. She'll follow suit, and the Cullens will be all weepy. And maybe the werewolves, if Jacob dies in the process of Edward "doing something stupid." This all goes to show that making comparisons to Romeo and Juliet is not necessarily a bad thing.
  • I've heard that Romeo & Juliet was supposed to be a black comedy (these two idiot kids don't know the difference between love and infatuation, and their parents' actions cause them to kill themselves over it) so that makes this interpretation that much better.

...Taking place in the Nexus of Joy or the holodeck. Either place can facilitate someone's "original" wish-fulfillment fantasy, and this is but one of many. Perhaps it's a trap set by aliens or monsters for teenagers.
  • Wait a minute, does the Nexus even exist anymore? Or the entire Next Generation, for that matter? Just how far does Nero's time meddling extend to?
  • This is probably for another WMG forum, but I thought the Nexus was a natural phenomenon; then again my memory's fuzzy. As for the Next Generation I figured they'd be fine, unless all of their parents were on the Golden Gate Bridge.
  • Nero created an alternate timeline. All the characters you know and love still exist in the original timeline, thank goodness. (Srsly, AU Kirk and Uhura are as dull as Edward and Bella.) Also, the Nexus seems to be natural; it's probably also exists in the new universe as well.
  • If you accept the Q Continuum trilogy as canon, then yes it does exist still. Q creates it during a million year punishment, out of boredom, by stretching matter out. Since the Q are millions if not billions of years old, they trump any changes made on such a lesser plane of existence.

...Going to cause The End of the World as We Know It in 2012. The Aztecs predicted the world ending in 2012. More Twilight fans are insane than of most fandoms. Some Twilight fans hurt people that aren't fans of Twilight. Yeah, and the outbreak of swine flu that started in 2009 will continue and the Web will be have a brownout and freeze. Stir in some global warming and resource depletion. Cue the End of the World as We Know It.

...Edited by really stoned editors. That is my only explanation to how they somehow let 'ordinaryness,' 'taste-able,' and 'ever-rainy' in the books. Seriously though, there are so many errors in the original text and even in the second and third additions (check for yourself or go to the Anti sites, if you're lazy), that you wonder whether or not they were on something.
  • Buffy Speak only works if it's used by a writer with talent.

...Not edited in any way. (Proposed by this troper's brother...) First, there are lists of three or more which don't have 'and' before the last word. That's a mistake that no high schooler should make, let alone an author who's had their work edited. Second, there are phrases that are redundant. Third, like the above entry, there are words that are made up. Fourth, prepositional phrases have been tacked on the ends of some of the sentences. Fifth, there are run-ons everywhere. Sixth... Okay. Never mind. If I list all of the problems, I'll take up too much space.
  • I haven't read the books, but I have seen... well, at least half of those used by legitimately talented writers.
    • But every single one of them, over and over, in the same book(s)?

...Even worse, they were edited. Bear with me here. That means that the writing was so bad, the editors could only edit it to being semi-workable. That's even more disturbing than the prospect of the above, because the editors had to slog through something even crappier than anyone else had to deal with.

...Taking place in a Bizarro Universe of The World of Darkness. I haven't read the books, but someone had to say it. The "Alice is a changeling" theory cemented it.

...A Nazi invention to get back at God for making kiwis.

...What?

...written by Edward. He wrote the books years back as a sort of Wish Fulfillment thing, then handed them to some random girl and said "Publish these in like twenty years or something, 'kay?" Stephenie Meyer being a teenage girl at the time, she couldn't resist modifying the story just a little bit so that the protagonist would be remarkably like her. In short, this entire crappy series is the work of two authors who would be merely mediocre if they had worked together properly, which they didn't. At all.

...originally much better. The Original was never actually written by Stephenie Mayer. It was written instead by a friend or relative who was too embarassed/shy/dead to get it published. They gave/willed it to Stephenie so she could read it/burn it and she took the base plot:Vampire Family living in Suburban America playing baseball, fighting Werewolves and evil Vampires and added the blatant Self-Insert Mary-sue and changed the ORIGINAL protagonist, Edward, into a Flanderiffic abusive Man-toy.
  • I think, in the original, Bella was really terribly shy and wanted nothing more than to blend in. Edward was an evil bastard who preyed on her docile personality because he was a control freak. Jacob was a Dogged Nice Guy and Bella's Unlucky Childhood Friend who helps her fight off Edward and the other vampires, all of whom are evil. Alice is one of the rarer vampires who happens to be good, and the original plot layout was to have Bella defeat Edward and overcome her infatuation for him and her fear of blood. Meyer butchered the work of the original story and turned Bella into a wildly blatant Self Insert Mary Sue, shucked her Character Development, and essentially botched the story.

...An Abyssal Being. In Mage: The Awakening, Abyssal Beings are malignant extradimensional horrors that live in an alternate reality called the Abyss. They need an entry vector into our world, and usually manifest in corrupting, non-humanoid ways. My pet theory is that Meier is merely a pawn, or a Scelestus, trying to bring a powerful Abyssal into the world through the entry vector of Twilight itself. Alternatively, Meier IS the entry vector, and the Twilight series ITSELF is the Abyssal entity, and is corrupting the minds of teenage girls everywhere.
  • Alternately they're the product of an Abyssal being, although I haven't heard of one that can write... oh my god. S.Meyer is an unfettered, demonically endowed amazon warrior monster hiding in plain sight! These things are always hungry, and what could be tastier than a healthily diverse horde of fans?

...The Necronomicon

Think about it! It causes insanity in the minds of those who read it, and it reached its peak of popularity near 2012, the postulated end of the world! My idea is that Nyarlathotep intended for it to awaken Cthulhu or bring about another apocalyptic event, but screwed up his timing a little, and thus failed to end the world.
  • You're talking about August Derleth's Theme Park Version. Twilight's effect is closer to that of The King in Yellow. ("The very banality and innocence of the first act only allowed the blow to fall afterward with more awful effect.") In which case Stephenie Meyer probably earns our admiration for producing a real-life Brown Note with madness-inducing properties worthy of anything in the Cthulhu Mythos.

...a Final Fantasy I fanfic. The vampires in the first Final Fantasy dazzle to stun their enemies. And the books sure read like a fic.

...a fan fic written in an alternate universe. Bella is a Possession Sue while Edward is a Draco in Leather Pants, and is more or less that universe's equivalent of My Immortal. The series in question doesn't exist in our universe, however the fic found its way into the hands of Stephenie Meyer, who either rewrote it slightly or simply published it as it was.
  • It's not from an alternate universe - it is a really, really dreadful, High School AU fanfic of Bram Stoker's Dracula (the film version with Gary Oldman) with the names and many key details changed to avoid copyright issues.
    • Well, it's definitely a fic of something. Read this:
    • "Okay, so the story isn't about Edward anymore. It's about this OC called Bella, and she's clumsy but she's soooo cute, and all the boys are after her and all the girls are jealous of her, and Edward falls in love with her like, right away and it's true love and everything. And it's set in high school. And Jacob falls in love with her too, but that won't work because Bella and Edward are made for each other, but Jacob needs to end up with someone, so Bella gets pregnant from Edward's vampire venom, and that's like really painful, and she has a daughter who's so pretty and Jacob falls in love with the daughter but it's okay because the daughter is like a super-daughter because she's half-vampire, and the Cullens spend their time playing baseball instead of fighting the Volturi and don't eat people anymore, they eat animals, which is like vegetarianism for vampires. And instead of dying when the sun comes up, Edward, like, sparkles or something."
  • Possibly in the original series, Rosalie was the main character, which would explain why she is/was turned into such a bitch, why her non-Edward love interest has even less personality than the other characters, and why she's carrying a completely unrequited torch for her intended mate even after having found someone else. And why her feelings about babies are consistent while Bella's are not, if she was originally the one who got pregnant.

...a real life Springtime for Hitler situation. The story is either Meyer's Old Shame she wrote as a teenager and accidentally sent off to the publishers instead of her real Magnum Opus (which would have been awesome), but it became a hit and she's been under growing pressure to pump out more badly-written sequels.

Or this was a scheme somebody cooked up either to fail, The Producers style, and write off the losses, or would have been a scathing expose of the publishing industry had it been reviled by the public.

Either way, Meyers has now come to loathe her work and has been trying to sabotage it ever since. This means she was the one who "leaked" Midnight Sun and using the supposed drama over that as an excuse to not write more of it. (The minute the suits upstairs gets wind of this, however, she will be forced to write again.)

...a satirical jab at teenage girls' love life. Okay, Twilight is revered as the worst fiction book to hit the shelves in the past few years because of the sheer number of twitard fangirls who think that Edward is the best thing ever. But this is not a reason to hate twilight. This is actually Twilight's greatest triumph over teenage girls.

People often pick at Twilight for having a Mary Sue character and the over-saturation of description of Edward's perfect looks. This is in fact not a badly written book, but a satirical attack on the entire teenage culture of girls. Take note that the main character is a teenage girl. Despite Edward's obvious flaws (which we'll get to later), she falls entirely in love with him and believes that he is a destined part of her life. This is an attack on the nature of teenage relationships and how quickly an infatuation is taken to be true love and is treated as such. The over-descriptive writing is emphasising teenage girls' dangerous obsession with boys and the previous point of over-the-top infatuation.

Haters also often mock the book, saying that Edward is a controlling boyfriend who is clearly manipulating Bella without any regard for her feelings. They also denounce him as a stalker. But they forget the writing style. When they say that nothing is added in first person and no emotion is displayed, they are entirely wrong. The whole point of the book is the first person view. Remember that the speaker is a teenage girl. She looks past his controlling nature and shrugs off his stalking, insisting that it's true love. Mayer is not pandering to the teenage girls, she is attacking them.

Building on the last point, let's look at New Moon. Bella is abandoned by her boyfriend, who removes all traces of his existence from her life, again demonstrating his controlling personality. Again, Bella does not notice this. In fact, even him telling her to get lost to her face isn't enough to drive her away. She considers him to still be the boyfriend of her dreams, and even spurns the advances of many of her friends, telling herself that Edward is the only one for her and that he is better than everyone else. Bella jumped off a freaking cliff to hallucinate about him for [insert deity of choice]'s sake! She almost accepts Jacob, then Edward returns and she takes him back without a second thought. Meyer has gone beyond merely jabbing at teenage girls and is now grinding their culture with a millstone. She is mercilessly attacking their culture, parodying their gullible, accepting nature.

Bella constantly believes throughout the books that she is very intelligent, and better than everyone else at school. She constantly tells the reader that she isn't interested in her classmates, and looks down upon them. They later resent her for choosing Edward, but Bella colours it in her favour. This is Meyer showing the effects of hormones on teenage girls, and how ridiculous the whole idea of drama is.

Of course, all of this must be very confusing when you realise that her later books show a happy ending for Bella and Edward. This is able to be explained. Meyer did not expect her satire to be taken seriously by the audience she set out to ridicule, but when it was, she decided to test their endurance. She builds up conflict that has no climax and makes a werewolf fall in love with a baby, all the while prattling on about the couple's perfect love. She even makes Edward chew through Bella's womb, and the fangirls still lap it up, provided there is purple prose about Edward's perfect nature.

That is Twilight's greatest victory. It has made the very people it set out to mock into a fanbase. The satirical, controlling boyfriend has become loved all over the globe. The fanbase couldn't even see the true nature of the book when Meyer made the plot ridiculous. The movie got released and had a lead actor who hated the books, and the fanbase STILL loved him. Twilight didn't only comment on the hormone-clouded teenage girl's mind, it became an example of it.

I respect Twilight, and embrace all it stood for. Meyer is a genius.
  • You know, you've got a point there.
  • I bow before you. Not only does what you have written there sound very sensible, you also manage to pack more literary quality into half a dozen paragraphs than there is in the entire franchise you are discussing. Truly a masterpiece in the field of Wild Mass Guessing.

...just a story Bella made up. Basically, it's all written by the in-universe Bella. In actuality, Bella is a homely, overweight girl. Her mother ignores her and her father is an abusive drunk. When she moved to Forks, she was mocked and ostracized by the kids at school. She wrote Twilight as an escapist fantasy, in which she is at least a bit attractive, loved by everyone, and catches the attention of not one but two hunky, gorgeous guys with supernatural abilities. The Bella in the story is a bitch because the Bella writing the series wishes that she could behave like that and get away with it simply because everyone believes she is so perfect. (honestly, how many of you guys wish you could act like a jerk, do whatever you want, and get away with it?)
  • So you're saying that Bella is actually... Stephenie Meyer? Sounds about right to me.

...It was originally a parody of Phantom of the Opera fanfiction, until publishers realized how much money they could make from it. Put simply, Edward is the Phantom/Erik, Bella is Christine, and Jacob is Raoul. Edward being portrayed as 'perfect' despite his controlling, stalker tendencies is mocking the Draco in Leather Pants portrayal of the Phantom in fanfiction, and Jacob being portrayed as jealous and clingy is mocking how much phangirls HATE Raoul. It was going to be published under the title 'Let's Let Phangirls Write The Sequel', but one publisher, after seeing how much people loved Phantom/Christine type pairings, realized how much money they could make with a wish fulfillment fantasy. After being promised a small fortune, Stephanie Meyer happily rewrote the novel. Instead of an observant parody of the Phantom/Christine shipping, it became a serious love story about Bella having to choose between the 'dangerous' but alluring vampire and the 'safe' but 'not Edward' werewolf.

...Bella writing a book trying to justify her choice she made in high school. The entire book series never actually happened the way she is writing. She is putting people she knows into different monster archetypes as symbolism for how she views each person in her life. As in:
  • Edward: A vampire, but not quite. They met in high school on the same premise as the books, sans vampirism. She was the quiet nerdy girl, and he was the hansom misunderstood pretty boy. They really did fall in love and marry early, but Bella is using the vampirism to describe their relationship. She always felt that he was too good for her, and that made him also dangerous. However, she didn't see him as truly dangerous, which is why she made him have such good control over his thirst for her blood, and why he sparkles as opposed to bursting into flames. He doesn't have blatant fangs because that would make him too scary. Bella, in real life, felt that Edward was always intimidating and so high above her that there was always the possibility of him leaving, and at one point her fears came to life when he did leave for a period of time. But, he came back, and she keeps telling herself that he loves her no matter what the obstacles, whether its social status in real life, or vampire status in her books.

  • Jacob: A "werewolf", and a brother. He and Bella met at a young age, and unlike Bella told in the story, kept in touch throughout their lives. Jacob was always there, and would always be there for her. But, he was too plain and safe for her. That is, until he hit puberty. Bella used his sudden transformation into a werewolf as a metaphor for the less sudden, but still quick transformation he underwent into manhood. Suddenly, Jacob was no longer the safe, younger brother Bella pictured him as, but a wild and rugged young man. He's edgy and daring, but loyal as can be and would die for Bella in a heartbeat. Bella knows that he's the safer option, but there is still a risk factor, which translates into his wolf form. She writes him as the wrong choice through the fact that she tells herself that he's still her younger brother at heart, but there is still that shadow of doubt.

  • The Cullens and Werewolves: Each side to her choice comes with their own sets of boundaries and loyalties. If she chose Edward, she got his loving family and social status to go with it. If she chose the wolves, she got endless protection, a loving family, but sacrificed status.

In short, Bella wrote Twilight to justify her actions to herself, trying to make herself feel better about choosing Edward.

...based on true events experienced by the author. Stephenie was once in a series of situations similar to the ones Bella faced, and decided one day to write a book about them. She then decided to "spice things up" by including vampires and werewolves. Edward, Jacob and the like are pseudonyms.
  • So that's why she made the main character look so much like herself! The main character WAS herself! Genius!

...printed on a special kind of paper that causes a powerful addiction by simply touching it. Why else would so many people read them so many times? The Twilight saga is like a brand of cocaine...
  • Sorry to break it to you I got addicted with E-Books and some of my friends over the first movie.

...propaganda in the Being Human universe. They were either written by Herrick or one of his followers to help get more recruits to their cause and to convince people that vampires are better than humans (and the imprinting stuff was meant to convince people to hate werewolves), or was written by Professor Kemp, terribly on purpose so people would hate vampires as much as he does.
  • Based on the intelligence level of their plans to take over the world, I * completely* believe that Herrick and his followers would write a book series on par with Twilight.

...an attack on reality itself by Excrucians... Excrucians are extradimensional horrors seeking to unmake reality from the Nobilis universe. They're doing this by targeting entire concepts(such as Cars, Life, Literature, Death). They most often do so by corrupting an expression of a concept - for example, if an Excrucian is targeting Love then he needs to find two people in love and corrupt their feeling. Then they use a so-called Flower Rite to turn this small-scale corruption into an attack that tears holes in the fabric of reality itself.
The Twilight series is a dual attack - on the concept of Literature and on the concept of Love. It's attacking Literature by inverting the relationship between quality and popularity. It's attacking the concept of Love by presenting a teenage crush mixed with lust and loneliness as One True Eternal Love. Usually, Flower Rites are based on fairly small phenomena and still manage to magnify them into horrible wounds in the fabric of reality. But! Twilight is a global phenomenon.
So, what does this mean for us? Once Excrucians capitalize on this massive global corruption, it's bye-bye Literature and Love. You won't even remember those concepts ever existed.

...one of the sixty-six seals... And by successfully publishing and gaining fame for them, Meyer has helped bring the world one step closer to Armageddon.

...really a semi-elaborate government plot to stimulate the economy. Think about it. A lot of research went into what teenage girls, a good market with a lot of money to spend on leisure, would like in a franchise book. Twilight spends pages and pages giving unnecessary details on how hot Edward is, and Bella lacks personality so much it's at the extent where it's incredibly easy for the reader to put themselves in her place. The book was the first part of the franchise. Combined with the above factors, and good marketing, Twilight sold countless copies. Next came the movie; the film's budget doesn't have to be at Avatar-levels, as long as it looks nice and Edward is hot, the film will rake in the cash. Then the merchandise. Twilight has a bigger variety of merchandise than nearly every other franchise This Troper can think of. Clothing, bags, posters, band-aids, candy, Valentine's cards, bed sets, jewelry boxes, you name it, you can probably find a Twilight version of it. It's ALL to help stimulate the economy. Both Democrats and Republicans are in on it.

...the story of what would have happened if The Phantom of the Opera's Christine chose the Phantom over Raoul. I present my case:
  • Edward is Erik: he's psychopathic, clingy, jealous, and utterly obsessed with Bella. Like Erik, he stalks his protagonist. Like Erik, he has Single-Target Sexuality. Like Erik, he has never loved before his target. They both find their voices seduce the woman they want. They even both have gold eyes. Both kill for their protagonist. Also, they are both separated from society due to their physical appearance and lack of ability to communicate with "normal" people. Both distance themselves from everyone but the protagonist/love interest and live in darkness. Both are aware that the protagonist should be terrified of them, and both are "disfigured" in some way. Edward sparkles and Erik, well... Also, both are likened to corpses! Erik is physically likened, whereas Edward is constantly remarked as cold, and, well, he's technically a living corpse. Both were rescued from near-death by another character. Both are impressive at everything they do and possess a certain trait notable to that character that link directly to their attraction to the protagonist: Composing and hearing thoughts.
  • Jacob is Raoul: Childhood friend who the girl hasn't seen in years, but falls in love when they start to hang out more, tells his protagonist to get the heck away from her psychotic boyfriend/stalker, seeks to protect her from everything, and does what he can to keep her away from her psycho stalker. Likewise, they both are more capable of getting on the protagonists' nerves than the stalker. Raoul for eavesdropping, and Jacob for the rape kiss/being clingy. Both are build in stark contrast to the stalker, and are portrayed as more noble.
  • Bella is Christine: She has (at least) two guys who are dead serious about getting her to come to them. She's got dark hair and pale skin, like her stage and film adaptions. There's a certain feature about her that draws in her stalker (Christine's Voice and Bella's closed mind). They both are very good at being the Damsel in Distress, often because of the stalker. Both have a strange obsession with their stalker. Both feel torn between their two loves, and have a disconnection with the "normal" world. Both toy with the feelings of their suitors.
  • Jessica is Carlotta: Jessica is a popular, selfish character (apparently). She thinks little of everyone else, and thinks highly of herself (if Midnight Sun is anything to go on). She's also a bit of an attention whore, and is jealous of the protagonist. Alternately,
    • Rosalie is Carlotta: Jealous, selfish, bitchy, huge attention whore, wants what the protagonist has.
  • Angela is Meg: The mortal character who Bella hates the least. She's kind, meek, and fair. She worries about Bella. Alternately,
    • Alice is Meg: Bella's best friend, bubbly, sweet, fair, and kind. She also worries for the safety of her friend and cares about her.
  • Carlisle is Madame Giry: he's the one who saves Edward from certain doom, just like how the Madame saves Erik from a lifetime of torment. He takes Edward under his wing and takes care of everyone else, like how the Madame watches over the other dancers.
    • A-FUCKING-MEN!!! I have been telling people this theory for years!

...what happens when Meyer decides to hijack Instrumentality. And here's what happened:

Somehow, Meyer managed to create an Alternate Universe where she jacked the process of writing the weird as !@# $ Ending of Evangelion. She used this to reflect a mirror universe, and stepped into it to hijack the process of instrumentality from Shinji and the Giant Naked Rei before they could finish it. Before any of this, however, she made a clone of herself to be boiled down into the Sea of LCL, thus allowing her to be a part of the final product of Instrumentality while still remaining separate from it.

Now, here's the thing; there were some people that still knew about Instrumentality while it was happening, and retained memories of it while becoming a part of the "new" world created by it. These of course, are the 'vampires' - the reason they are so sparkly is because they are simultaneously existing with and without an AT field, which as we have seen can manifest and reflect photons. As they have and do not have it, it requires a sufficiently strong source of light - the sun - to see it. This also explains the 'vampire super powers'.

On the other hand, there is also the equally small group of people who have completely accepted their oneness with the rest of humanity, thus allowing them to shed their appearance, the final remnants of the AT fields all humans once possessed, and change their form at will. This also gives them a stronger bond with other humans, especially specific ones that would have been capable of piercing their AT before Instrumentality occurred; thus imprinting.

As for what Bella is, she is the closest thing to a God in this hijacked Instrumentality. This was originally Gendo's intent, to become the "God" of Instrumentality alongside his beloved Yui. However, when Meyer had her clone hijack it, the clone absorbed Yui's soul from within Unit 01, and the resultant personality is a mix of the two, leaning in Meyer favor (which is why Bella is terribad at science/math). However, like all the people inside instrumentality, Gendo has completely forgotten the moments before it occurred, and thus doesn't know the hijacking ever occurred.

But he immediately recognizes Yui's soul embedded in the clone of Meyer - the God of Instrumentality, and thus believing that she is a Yui who has forgotten all of her past because of what Unit 01 did, attempts to re-establish a relationship with her. However, he soon discovers that he is not quite 'living,' and tries to stop her from following through with it. Ultimately, this fails, and Bella is made aware of Instrumentality via Data injection through the contamination of the remnants of her AT field - which eventually strengthens - and turns her into a 'vampire'...

Meyer, of course, observes this happening from the Sea of LCL, and writes it all down for one crap-tastic book.

Renesmee is a little... odd. You see, the soul forms of Yui and Rei have been attempting to escape the MeyerClone's grasp since the beginning. Thus, when Edward get's the Meyer Clone pregnant, they hitch a ride out on Nessie... and try to kill Bella on the way out. Gendo, assuming this is Rei showing jealousy of Yui, then turns the Meyer Clone into a vampire.

Rei is thus reborn as Renesmee, whilst Yui becomes a disembodied soul form with the goal to possess the MeyerClone's body. Immediately after the birth and failed assassination, the two of them reflect their AT fields off one another to trigger a psychic impulse which forces Shinji to imprint on Rei. Shinji does not appreciate this.

Thinking that he just did that of his own will, Shinji starts throwing up. This isn't shown in the books however, as Reinesmee creates a Pocket Dimension to allow him time to come to terms. After about five years of him throwing up non stop, Rei tells him everything. Agreeing with her that MeyerClone must be stopped, Shinji and Rei leave the pocket dimension an unflashing instant after it was created, the Meyer Outside none the wiser.

And after that, it's all just one big psychologically impaired family.

...A cry for help Meyer did in fact grow up without much parental care and went on to marry early. She got abused physically (James) emotionally (Edward) and psychologically (the in-laws, the wolfpack). She accurately presents her case as Stockholm Syndrome, admits that she has a death wish, and correctly compares her Author Avatar character to a suicidal character who got married too early (Juliet, at thirteen) and makes it clear that she thinks her marriage is comparable to that of Heathcliff and Isabella Linton in Wuthering Heights. The first half of Breaking Dawn is her working through the trauma of her own pregnancies and childbirths, and the second half is either a dream she had while high on morphine after said childbirths or her trying to paint her world beautiful again, like she did with her husband by writing him as a saint, herself by writing herself as a saint, and her kids by writing them as the daughter she never had.

...Literary erotica that got a safe for work adaptation The main reason for Twilight's success is that it appeals to the growing sexuality of the puberty stricken girls and moms who read it. The Twilight series is chock full of intentional Fetish Fuel for Twi-fans. Meyer said the idea came to her in a dream-what if were an Erotic Dream? Originally, Twilight was a Porn with Plot involving a threesome with vampire and werewolf, who are often sources of retreating to bunks. The Ho Yay between Edward and Jacob? Guy on Guy Is Hot, even though Meyer's views on the subject wouldn't allow her to consciously recognize it. After sharing her erotica with some close friends, they thought that it could be adapted into a good romance novel. Part of the reason why Twilight fails is the fact that it's trying to adapt pornography, which is known less for great storylines and more for cleaning the pipes. This may also go to explain the sheer levels of Wish Fulfilment-what else do you expect from a medium designed solely for pleasure?

Twilight was Inspired By Disco Pigs
Obsessive love story? Check. Boy is overprotective of girl to the point of psychosis? Check. "Love" is based mainly on physical characteristics? Check. (Pig's epic monologue about how he "loves" Runt is based mainly on his desire to hop in the sack with her, and Runt only falls for Pig after she has sex with him.) Guy is arguably abusive and definitely dangerous to other people but it's okay because he's gorgeous and the central couple has TRUE LOVE? Check. Girl doesn't do much thinking for herself? Check. Parents are oblivious? Check. Sweet guy who gets royally screwed over even though he's pretty darn cute too? Check.

Disco Pigs came out in 2001, and the love story is eerily reminiscent of Bella and Edward (but with the genders reversed) ... are we sure Stephenie Meyer wasn't watching this movie right before she had the infamous dream?

Twilight is a spinoff of The Ketchup Vampires
The Ketchup Vampires is a German cartoon series about a family of vegetarian vampires who resist their thirst for human blood by drinking far more nutritious tomato juice instead. The family's Loner son falls for human girl Bella, and pursues a relationship with her.

Twilight is Cryonics propaganda

The vampires are frozen in time, that is a direct reference to cryogenics. They live forever and love forever, they are stronger, faster, prettier, no need of sleep or eating, can dedicate all the time in the world to anything they want to achieve...All that maybe would be achieved on the future with nanotechnology, if you freeze first and get "woke up" on the future. And Bella choose to be a "cold one" over staying human weak, get old and die and won money, love, strength and beauty. Smeyer must own several shares of those cryonics labs.

The Twilight Saga turns out to be Bella telling her story to a battered women support group.
At the end Bella finds a cure for Vampirism and kills Edward. Non Bella-Edward characters have no defining traits because Bella did not pay attention to them, while Bella is portrayed as shallow because she hates what she was then. No one believes the supernatural elements.
  • This would be more plausible if the "Non-Bella-Edward" characters weren't arguably the best parts of the series. I'm not sure where you got that from. Maybe she dwells on them because she finds them a welcome distraction now?

This series is really a parody guidebook stating the formulae on how to write a bestselling novel with minimal effort.
Makes sense. It's got the elements that draw an audience: beautiful hero and heroine, hero with a tragic past, romance, even the paranormal for those who love escaping into another world. Parents who don't approve of your lover - check. Shy clumsy kid among the popular kids - check. Vampires and werewolves - check. After all if Anne Rice could do it with vamps, reasoned S Meyer, why couldn't she take a leaf out of her book? for people who hate mild stuff there's a hit of violence. Enemy attack from vampires - check. Teenage porn - check. Hero who saves the lives of youngsters by making them undead - check. Near-death experience - check. Damsel in distress - check. Love triangle - check. Destined love - check. Suicide attempt - check. It did work for The Sorrows of Young Werther ...

The Apple on the cover of the first book is a Piece of Eden.
That would explain how so many people could be entranced by such poorly written books.
  • but don't forget that there are a lot of people who hate the books, making them immune to a piece of Eden and since in Assasin's Creed those immune are the descents from the first human/those who came before hybrids, does this means the haters are actually assassins?
    • Nothing is true. Everything is permitted.

Twilight makes editors drink on the job, and that's why so many errors and bad grammar made it to publication.
Remember, tropers, don't edit drunk.

Another book is currently in production.
The plot of which will run parallel to Season 10 of Supernatural. Brothers, Sam and Dean, will once again fix up their dad's old Chevy Impala and set off on a road trip to not-so-sunny Forks, Washington. There they will mend the wounds of their relationship and grow closer while hunting the local game. Along the way, they will encounter The Cullens: including Edward, Bella, and the little Dhampir, forcibly inviting them to become part of their hunt.

     Quilutes, Shape-shifters, and Werewolves 
Leah is not infertile.
Instead her cycle gradually synchronizes with that of a wolf, going into season once a year.
  • Oh this will only call for fanfictions of Leah entering on mating season with sexy results.Rule34.
  • I always thought that phasing freezes the wolves in time, meaning that once she stops, her periods will resume as normal.
  • I have a lot to say about this. First, it's established that once they change, they can eventually control themselves to become 'human' again, but this seems contradictory. Are they humans who have a magical affliction (for lack of a better word), or are they now permanently wolves that just stay in human form? If it's the latter, then does the human form affect the wolf, or is it reversed? I'd like to think that while they are now wolves, their humanity does effect them. Remember Jacob running as a wolf and rather desperate to not think or feel as a human? Do we know if he was successful or not? It seems a no, since he came back unable to stop feeling/thinking, which means that the human form has an influence. Back to Leah, does this mean that severe stress can have an affect on her cycle? A woman's period is already a rather delicate thing effected by multiple factors such as stress (which means no periods), extreme mood swings (meaning sorrow for, say, your father's death that you feel you [in]directly caused, or rage that your fiancé left you for someone you thought of as a sister), the amount of food you eat (studies show that now that women have more access to an abundant amount of food that periods are a monthly thing, rather than when we first started agriculture where a failed crop meant less food on the whole, and thus fewer or no periods), your immediate environment in more sensitive women, etc. And, since a wolf's estrus occurs in winter... What do we know has occurred in the winter of all the books? In New Moon, winter or not, Leah had just turned, she's not going to have a baby any time soon. In Eclipse, it was the newborn army that Victoria concocted attacking pretty fucking close to civilization, geographically speaking, and Leah knew it was coming. We know how protective of her brother and possibly her mother she is. In Breaking Dawn, it was the Volturi and the gaggle of vampires that appeared. As their mortal enemy (both figuratively and literally speaking), would you want to have children around them, friendly or otherwise? No, you would not.

Quil's love of Claire isn't "imprinting"
Because an English major has to know the unfortunate implications of a "May-Next-Next-December" couple named after Clare Quilty. Of course, if all the Mormon stuff was unconscious....

Leah is intersexed.
This would explain why she's infertile, and why she, despite being female, became a werewolf.

The werewolves are all raging gay
Imprinting is a biological imperative to keep the bloodlines going. That would explain all the shirtless roughhousing, the "She's not my girlfriend, she's a girl who happens to be my friend" line in New Moon. Leah can't imprint because it's not specifically inheriting the gay, but instead a major attraction to dudes, which she already has. Also explains why she's infertile.
  • This in no way explains Leah's infertility. What? However, if imprinting works with one's sexual orientation, not against it, then Leah's failure to imprint could be explained by her being gay. That is, there would be no biological need for her to find a mate if it was going to be with someone of the same gender, so nature takes its course instead of the mystic hoo-hah forcing it.

'Real' werewolves are...

Normal humans who had voluntarily transformed themselves into monsters to fight and kill vampires. As many of us have puzzled out ourselves, if vampires truly existed they'd have captured and bred us to harvest our blood. Twilight-pires in particular have no reason to hid their existence since they have no weaknesses that a human could realistically exploit. So, a long time ago, a group of disgruntled humans developed a method to transform themselves into werewolves in order to fight vampires head on. It has been stated that all the werewolves are extinct, but the Volturi were lying and are really trying to make themselves as inconspicuous as possible to avoid being wiped out.

Werewolves imprint due to vampire presence
They already said (somewhere) that the reason there was such a big werewolf pack was because there were so many vampires hanging around, so the werewolf genes in the La Push kids activated in response to that, to fight them/defend their territory/whatever. So it's established that the werewolf pack is an unusual size. It's also established that imprinting is supposed to be rare, but it seems like everybody's doing it. So what if it's linked? In this scenario, imprinting attaches wolves to the best potential genetic match for producing "cubs" to carry on the bloodline the current generation of wolves get killed: the number of imprints correspond to the number of vamps lurking around.

Imprinting is actually an "And I Must Scream" situation
This is a line, from the official guidebook itself is that "No matter the age or living conditions of the human, the werewolf automatically becomes whatever the human wants him to be, at the loss of his personal free will." Doesn't that sound malicious? What if their minds become blank, and totally devoted to the person they imprint on...but the real person is inside, screaming because they can't control their life anymore?
  • Could this mean they have been cursed?

Leah's werewolf-ness is different from the others because of her sex
There are physiological differences between men and women beyond equipment and the possession of "curves." Leah is noted as the first female shapeshifter, and in the guidebook, it's shown that Leah has all three major bloodlines associated with werewolfdom, and that she gets them from both sides of her family. Fair enough, something like that could result in a 'recessive' gene dynamic that manifests in her transformation (and explains why the entirety of La Push didn't all explode into wolves at the first sign of vampires after however many generations; I also refuse to believe Sam was the only guy of age there at the time of Twilight). But what about things like temperature? Women generally run hotter than men even when they feel cooler; does this mean Leah's internal temperature is also higher than the standard 42°C, even if only by a little bit? As she always been internally a lot hotter than was average among human women and just never noticed or connected the dots, if that's true? Is her mind quieter or even occasionally silent because her brain patterns are just radically different from the guys in her pack(s) and are thus received differently? (She certainly seems under the impression she can be easily ignored, which is why she eventually becomes known for being exceptionally loud and bitchy—in order to be heard that's kinda what she has to do). Does she also weigh less, lending her some sleekness to accelerate faster than them while running, despite her probably eating the same amounts they do? (and it's all excess is burned because she runs hotter anyway, and that takes some serious energy). Does she heal at a slower rate as suggested by less circulating clotting factors? Would Leah be more resistant against vampire venom and other poisons based on having more white blood cells than many of her pack members on average?

Leah is the omega of the pack.

Which is why the others (being everyone, not just her pack members) love to gang up on her and torment her and why she's basically the Meg of the series.

     The Cullens 
The Cullens are simultaneous metaphors for polygamous and non-polygamous Mormons
They go against ancient vampire tradition by only drinking the blood of animals to be a little more human; however, they are also very isolated from both human and vampire society and must go into hiding (unless, in this world, vampires are already loners by nature). Since the author of these works lives in Utah, she likely has compelling subconscious reasons to write such metaphors.

Alice is either far more evil than James, Victoria and Aro combined, or an absolute saint.
There's two possibilities:

  1. She saw every major disaster of the last 50 years coming and decided to go shopping instead of trying to warn people or save a few lives. Or...
  2. She prevented dozens of disasters from happening; we just don't know about them.
  • This doesn't hold for ALL disasters. Her power isn't seeing the future so much as it is seeing what will happen when a person makes a definite choice. She can see outcomes, like Hiro's father on Heroes. She's not responsible for the natural disasters. Terrorist attacks and the like, though - that's all her.
  • But either we take quantum physics and chaos systems seriously and say it's impossible for her to see anything (since nothing is predetermined), or she can see natural disasters especially well since there are no choices to be made. (Man made a contribution, but the effects come long after we make the choice.)
    • It has been noted that she sees weather especially well because it has a fixed outcome. Hmm.
    • It has been mentioned a few times that she doesn't see everything, only the future's of those she is close to i.e just her family and other relatives and friends (The Denalis etc). If you read Midnight Sun, you'll see she couldn't get a clear reading on Bella until after they met and became friends.

Alice is a Changeling.
She's described as "pixie-like" and has extraordinary abilities that could be magic... She's also narcissistic. Also, in the Old World of Darkness, Changeling blood is incredibly addictive but causes insanity. Which would explain a lot.

Carlisle is Muraki
  • True, Carlisle may seem tranquil, gentle and affable, but Muraki himself is damn good at seeming altruistic and harmless. He's perhaps an alternate universe variation, and is utilising the other Cullen "children" as minions and pawns. He may also have designs on Bella, who is clearly mentally ill and in a state to be manipulated, but still valuable in some way, similarly to the first entry on this page that posits that Edward is manipulating Bella as The Chessmaster. The vampire thing and all the teenage boys are another squicky incarnation of Muraki's thing for blood. (The sparkling and the other odd events are further manifestations of Bella's mental illness, and her "entry" into vampirehood is symbolic of whatever she'd wanted being taken from her, and her reduction to the rank of just another pretty minion. The thing that Carlisle had wanted from her might possibly be be her child— Renesmee. Who is not, in fact, a vampire, but otherwise useful or gifted.)

Carlisle Cullen is related to another eccentric doctor.
He does like his friends pretty...

Alice and Edward are in love and are using Bella as a proxy lover for each other

Alice only picked Jasper because her power told her she will do so, thus she was already attached when she meet Edward but aside from that, they are very close and very alike in all the instances but physical. She loves Bella because Edward will love her but she is doing more out of Edward's benefit than Bella's herself. She dolled her up for Edward even though Bella hated pretty much everything, she had stated that she is using Bella to live vicariously through her and she insisted on doing the wedding that would please Edward but also maybe the one she would had chosen if she and Edward would had been a couple. During the honeymoon she packed the kind of sexy lingerie that would please Edward, how the hell would she knew that and why would she care so much about her "brother's" sex life? Because with her powers she can know exactly what will happen and that is the only way she can be with and physically please Edward. Edward might had actually try and fall for her if Jasper would had not being part of her life already, given that she is a brunette and she understand him better than anyone. On Midnight Sun she is the must unhappy about him leaving and she was very happy to find out he was going to ask her out to dinner and on Breaking Dawn even if she left Edward wanted to make sure she was safe it was the only thank he owed her after 50 years.

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Carlisle lied about his vampiric power. His power is actually control, and he used his power to brainwash his "family."
Carlisle acts more like a charismatic cult leader who basks in the adoration of others than the compassionate doctor we're told he is. Despite having untold quantities of cash, we never see him donating any of it to charity or relief efforts but instead allows it to be spent on more frivolous toys for his "family," much like some money-grubbing "gurus" in real life. He enjoys bossing other people around, and one of the ways he does this is by insisting that the physically-younger Cullens attend highschool over and over again, even though they could just as easily say they were homeschooled.

Alice is plagiarised from Blood Rayne, and Carlisle from Sangwinus
Aren't they similar ?

The Cullen kids made a bet on Edward’s virginity.
Let’s be frank the Cullens being immortal and secret get bored really easily, and given that all of them are couples Edward’s virginity became something interesting enough for them bet on. Jasper, Emmet and Rosalie betted on him losing it at 200 when Tanya lashes all her incubus power on him while Alice call it at 110. Now if Emmet and Jasper lose they will have to dress as women for a whole century while Rosalie and Alice will have to dress as men. Emmet finds the idea funny, but Rosalie and Jasper hate it that is why they were so willing to kill Bella once they knew that Edward had an interest on her, Edward was the only one idiot enough not to recognize his attraction towards the girl, while Alice was delighted to be friends with Bella. Of course in New Moon her hopes vanished once Edward left, that is why on Eclipse she staged for them to stay alone so she can finally win, seeing that her stupid brother didn’t cooperate or that Bella was a failure as a seductress so she got her all the help that she could get and them some and placed only sexy lingerie on Bella’s suitcase for the honeymoon to make sure Edward couldn’t get away with his virginity intact. Sadly due to the pregnancy and all the complications Carlisle and Esme considered that it would be on poor taste to cash on the bet and cancelled it.

The Cullens are insane.
Edward tells Bella that vampires don't sleep. You can't survive without sleeping and hope to stay sane. Years and years of being unable to sleep will certainly take its toll.
  • This would explain a lot of vampiric actions in the series actually. Maybe newborn vampires aren't used to staying awake perpetually, and so their insanity resulting from it is more violent?

Rosalie is desperate to have children because she wants to prove to herself that she's not Defiled Forever.
It's a common belief, sadly, in rape victims, and she grew up in a culture which strongly encouraged the idea. Even if logic tells her otherwise, she still subconsciously wants to prove that she can be a 'good woman,' by the standards of her time.
  • It could be but I think is more that she was killed right before she was going to get married and have her own family. Twivampires get emotionally stuck in the traumas of their deaths. Esme keeps adopting kids to made up for the one she lost, Emmet keeps picking fights with bears, Edward is the only survivor of an epidemic that killed his family and pretty much half his hometowm so he was depressed and with survivor's guilt when we meet him and so on. Its only logical that Rosalie that was also obsessed with weddings was also obsessed with babies. It will also explain why Bella does so well after becoming a vampire. She didn't had any emotional trauma when she died.

Carlisle is Gilderoy Lockhart
He escaped from St Mungo's and changed his name. Unfortunately he still had a demented pull towards hospitals as they were the only places he remembered. The real reason they move every few years is he has a habit of accidently removing the bones from lef arms every now and again...
  • So why is he not incompetent?
    • Lockheart was only incompetent with magic. We've never seen him in the the muggle world.

     Bella's parents 
Charlie Swan is:
  • Barricade from the Transformers movie series hiding out in Forks after Megatron's defeat. ("Charlie" is his Holomatter avatar, the cop car itself is Barricade). He's hiding here becuse he knows that both Bella is too self-absorbed to notice any behavioural discrepancies and that all the weird crap that goes on around the town will cover up his own evil ailen robot activities.

Renee married so early because of her utterly embarrassing last name
  • Seriously, Renee Higginbotham? Can you imagine how much she got teased for that? She may very well have been desperate to change her name without hurting her parents' feelings, which is why she rushed into a relationship with Charlie and got married at age 19.

Renee is half vampire.
Bella obviously isn't half vampire, as she grew to adolescence normally, but she had the supernatural power of blocking telepathy BEFORE she actually became one. She had to have inherited it from someone. Not Charlie; he's too normal and aged too much. I believe they described Renee as young-looking and pretty, though...and she did seem to worry about Edward more; perhaps she suspected what he really was because her mother/father was one. Renee is a former White Court vampire who attracted Charlie with her lust powers, and later used them to ensnare her second husband, a much younger baseball player. This means that Bella is half-vampire (and as we see from Thomas Raith, a White Court vampire with a human parent is still a White Court vampire).
  • This explains Bella's unnatural degree of charm (all the boys at school are attracted to her because of her succubus nature, not because she's beautiful), and why she's immune to Edward's mind-reading powers.
  • Also, she is feeding off the Cullens, especially Edward, which explains her extreme depression whenever he's not around: she's not just depressed, but actually starving.
  • This is why Renee sent Bella away to live with her father: she didn't want the competition, and/or didn't want Bella to discover her White Court lust powers in an urban population center, and sent her to Forks hoping that the town was far enough from civilization that Bella couldn't do too much harm even if she enslaved a large part of the town with her powers.

Charlie Swan is actually Eddie Blake.
The Twilight 'verse has merely broken off at a different point in the timeline (and nudged forward a couple years), and Eddie has taken up a more wholesome line of work for the sake of his out-of-wedlock daughter. This is also why he's so set on being sure that Bella and Edward are being safe and taking things slow.

Charlie is an ex-pirate that somehow achieved immortality.
Proof. This is why he is so awesome.

    Renesmee 
Renesmee is going to practice polyandry (multiple husbands).
Because if you're the hottest thing on two legs since Helen of Troy and Giselle Bundchien combined with the intellectual curiosity of Dr. Manhattan you're not going to settle for just one hot werewolf husband (especially if you probably just think of him as an uncle).

Bella and Edward's demon spawn will grow up to become a hunter of vampires and werewolves.
Folklore does say that dhampir make excellent vampire hunters and if the girl grows up to have half a brain, she'll realize how screwed up the whole imprinting thing is and hate her parents for just going along with it. During her teenage years, this resentment and the pressure put on her by Jacob to have sex with him will eventually cause her to snap and dedicate her life to the destruction of both species.
  • Given how similar Angel and Edward are, it would make sense Edward's daughter follows Connor's path.
  • Not to mention hyper genius, supernaturally strong, but being raised by screw ups becomes emotionally damaged and is already dependent on everyone around her? More likely River Tam's path.
  • Charlie, her extremely badass Grandpa will save her and afterwards teach her to become the Blade-esque vampire hunter, Nessie the Vampire Nemesis.
    • Someone WRITE this!!!
    • This tropette is on it...
  • What if she somehow is adopted by cat people at an early age,a group of cat people cooler in every way and better looking than Jacob's group and THEY teach her.

Renesme and Jacob will have Leah's mate.
Since Renesme is have human, or whatever, when she gets old enough, she'll be able to have Jake's baby. That baby will either be full vampire, full werewolve, or some kind of hybrid. It will probably age just as fast as it's mother into adolescents. Leah will see him/her, and immediately fall imprint. Hey, if Bella could give birth to Jake's true love, why can't Nessie give birth to Leah's?

Reneesme may turn out cool for the sole reason of being a Half-Human Hybrid
Worked for Spock, InuYasha, Merlin, Percy Jackson...etc, etc.

Renesmee will grow up to be a villain.
She's already got the makings of a Magnificent Bitch. She's got everyone wrapped around her little finger, vampire and werewolf alike. When it comes to dealing with humans, she has all the charm of a vampire and none of the drawbacks, since she looks and acts far more human. She can even go out into the sun, so there are a lot more possibilities open to her. And this is to say nothing of her power. The ability to show someone any image through contact, and it even getting through mind shields like Bella's? The perfect tool for messing with people, be it a subtle influence or straight-out Mind Rape. Plus, anyone she uses it on seems to be instantly put under her charm.

Now, why would she turn villainous in the first place? Well, she's incredibly unique even for the vampire world, and everyone has been fawning over her since the moment she was born, so it's not hard to imagine that she'd develop a superiority complex of some sort. She's already shown to consider herself above regular humans, despite any affection she may have developed for Charlie. (She still wanted to drink his blood!) Emotional immaturity from growing up too fast would be another reason. As well, her fast-paced childhood would prevent her from relating to anyone her age. Or any human, for that matter. She's definitely not going to be going to school with other kids. Nope, she's probably going to be raised with minimal human contact and just run around in the woods with her big, happy, adoring family. Oh, and if that wasn't enough, she's also pretty possessive of Jacob already.

So, in short, she's going to become villainous not out of maliciousness, but by being horribly out of touch with reality, having no-one who would stand up to her, and having the perfect powers for her misguided, warped little mind to put to use in the worst way possible.

Renesmee is actually a spawn of Yog-Sothoth.
She's a Creepy Child who ages abnormally quickly. Bella blacked out during her conception. Sex with an Eldritch Abomination will probably do that.
  • Yog-Sothoth was using Edward as a vessel for the conception so that the child would be more hardy than the last one, which while making Renesmee less of an overt "abomination" than her half-brothers in Lovecraft's stories, did give her Meyerpire superpowers so that she could more easily complete Yog's plan. It also makes much more sense than Edward being actually able to impregnate Bella on his own.

Renesmee brainwashed Jacob into thinking he imprinted on her to save her life.
Renesmee was intelligent even in the womb. She would be aware that the werewolves want her dead. So, she used her powers on Jacob to get herself a love stared bodyguard. The timing was too perfect and everyone will think that it's just imprinting.
  • Since Renesmee has to touch her victim in order to exercise her power on them, it's highly unlikely she was able to use it to brainwash Jacob. However, there is still Bella. Renesmee spent a month inside Bella's body...if that doesn't count as physical contact, nothing does. She was able to read Bella's mind, learn that Bella did not want children, and subtly change her mind. It explains Bella's abrupt about-face very succinctly, in my opinion.

Renesmee is Victoria!
Renesmee wanted revenge on Edward and Bella for giving her such an awful name. So, after reading/watching Hellsing, she changed her name to Victoria in homage to Seras Victoria. She realised that no one would take her seriously as a vampire if she had "eyes the color of milk chocolate" (and Edward and Bella would recognise her), so she got red contacts. She then somehow went back in time and joined up with James and Laurent for the express purpose of exacting her revenge upon Edward and Bella. Then she met Edward and still-human Bella at the baseball field, and we all know what happened from there. Yes, this means Edward ripped off his own daughter's head.

Renesmee is the true hero of the Twilight Saga.
She aready existed in some form within Bella since the series started. Notice how everybody loved Renesmee as soon as she was born ? Because she already existed in spirit within Bella, it's what made Bella a Mary Sue in the first place. This can be confirmed by the fact Jacob only loved Bella until Renesmee was born.

     Forks and the Humans of Twilight 
Mike Newton is Jack O'Neill's clone
Forks, Washington is exactly the kind of place you'd expect to find O'Neill's clone. Whether or not Mike knows there are replicators (see the above WMG) in his school is anyone's guess.
  • Why do you think he's there in the first place? Clearly the "vampires" are part of a long-term replicator invasion of Earth. The only reason he hasn't called down SGC to annihilate this colony is that he's studying them for potential weaknesses, and/or monitoring the werewolves, who are a sleeper resistance movement planted by the Ancients after Ascending. Clarks Law

Angela was an undercover Auror
She had been stationed in Forks due several reports sent to the American Ministry of Magic regarding the apparent use of the Imperio spell. Being muggle-born and young, she had no problem blending in with the high school students. The whole time, she was monitoring the Cullens, reluctant to believe that they were, in fact, vampires. Edward, especially, with his brooding tendencies and throng of female devotees, had the potential to be a dark wizard. She became close to Bella in order to keep close tabs on him. By the events of Breaking Dawn, however, she realizes that the Cullens are nothing more than a mutation of the traditional vampire, with Edward simply being a particularly whiny example. She packs up to go home, but decides to attend Bella's wedding, because she really is a nice witch. At the wedding, she quickly uses Legilimency to see if anyone there was hiding some knowledge about the magical world. As she reaches Bella, she finds the bride's statement from the last book: "And Angela could be a witch for all I care!" Angela, fearing she has put the Wizarding World in danger, promptly Obliviates everyone in Forks a la Hermione and goes back to the Ministry, where she files the Forks case as "Not a threat" and leaves a note asking the Being division of Department for the Regulation and Control of Magical Creatures to come up with a new phrase for "sparkly blood-suckers," as calling them "vampires" would cause too much confusion.

Angela is really Angelique Bouchard.

From the same quote as the above, "And Angela could be a witch for all I care!" She's blonde, attractive, snobby, and hates Bella. She also seems to randomly disappear from the series, never to be mentioned again. After getting tired of life in Collinsport, she heard about vampires in Forks and decided to investigate (hoping, perhaps, to encounter Barnabas). Upon arriving, she realized that these were not, in fact, the same kind of vampires, hung around for a year or so just for fun, and finally left in disgust.
  • Angela isn't snobby and doesn't hate Bella; they're actually pretty close. That's Lauren, in which case, "And Angela could be a witch for all I care!" doesn't apply.

"Forks" is really Springfield.
Think about it. The weather can change completly between chapters, just as it does between Simpsons episodes. Edward and his siblings are forever at high school, just as Bart and Lisa are at elementary. Also, the fact that Bella is the only child of a police officer would make her Ralph Wiggum.
  • Well, that would explain a lot about Bella then...

The nameless, unseen character who I shall now dub as "Cat Man" was actually thinking about his cat in some way that relates to either sex or money.
  • In either case, it does not bear further elaboration.
    • Jossed, as anyone who had actually seen the movie should know: We do see Cat Man. Your argument is invalid.
    • Even if he was, why is it squick? Maybe he is a cat breeder. This does relate to both money (highbred cats are expensive) and sex (between cats, mind you). Nothing squicky though.

Waylon (aka Buttcrack Santa) raped Bella when she was a child.
Certainly gives his dialogue in the movie a more sinister undertone.

The school is a drug lab.
The students at the school are both voluntarily and involuntarily consuming various drugs. The Cullens aren't vampires and the Blacks aren't werewwolves, they just did LSD to many times. When Bella arrived, she took a lot of acid.

The humans are not as blind as the vampires think.
Oh sure, they'd like to believe that only certain special snowflakes like Bella are smart enough to realize that these people are actually blood-drinking abominations, but the truth is that the rest of the humans are fully aware of what the Cullens are, they just pretend to ignore it so the Cullens will leave them alone. After all, there are some things that people can't be oblivious to unless they're intentionally trying not to notice. Edward stopped a van with his bare hands, in front of a crowd of onlookers, and nobody so much as pointed out that he should be injured. No, they knew. The Cullens tend to come back to the area regularly, after all, so there were likely plenty of older folks who remembered them and old accounts of their activities. Plus they're abnormally pale, icy cold, and skip school whenever it's a sunny day. Nobody questions it, the teachers don't get onto them about it, and no truant officer goes after them. That's because they simply don't care to bother trying. They all know the Cullens are vampires, but it's easier to let them think they're fooling anybody so the vampires don't panic over people knowing their secret and actually start killing folks.

     The World of Twilight 
Where the standards of writing are much, much higher. Twilight is there considered somewhere around the equivalent of My Immortal. Likewise, there is a world where My Immortal is enormously popular with teenage girls.
  • Ooh yeah, I remember that world. I visited it back when I found a Stargate buried in my back yard.
    • So, was that particular expedition worth stealing all of my GODDAMN ZPMs
There, Joel Schumacher never made another movie after Batman & Robin, Selzter and Friedberg couldn't make their script for Epic Movie past the writing stage, nobody knows who Dane Cook is, Larry the Cable Guy was never born created, Invader Zim and Rocko's Modern Life are still on the air and Videomatch is still Videomatch.
  • Don't forget that Megas XLR and Berserk are immensely popular in this world, with Megas XLR never ever being cancelled, going to its 7th season or something, with Jamie receiving his own robot and Kiva merging into an AI-mecha.
  • It isn't THAT great. The tenth season of Firefly dropped all the way back to first season quality. If the 11th wasn't so great...
    • You think the 11th season was awesome? Remember the conclusion of Serenity Requiem, the end of the Serenity trilogy? Of course, the movie was the highest grossing movie of the year, so there is no real need to describe it.
    • Why must you torture me with this unattainable universe?
      • Don't feel so bad, the show went down hill after they killed off the last member of the original crew in season thirteen.... it was Kaylee...
      • Not to mention when the Operative and River went off on their Honeymoon and never came back. I mean a 60 second message saying that they are forming a resistance to reform the Alliance and that's it! Still liked Cyborg Pilot Wash and AI Book as the ships new running system...then again Jayne and Mal becoming 'bunkbuddies' was weird.
      • That WAS weird; I still prefer the earlier seasons before Simon died when he and Jayne were a couple.
Some dimensions have all the luck.
  • So that's the dimension where WALL•E swept the Oscars and His Dark Materials got picked up by a joint Pixar/Studio Ghibli collaboration and won Best Picture/Animated Feature/Director/Adaptation/Score/Special Effects three years in a row.
  • I hate you guys.
    • Don't let yourself get too down over it There's also a world where Twilight is the pinnacle of human literary and cinematic achievement
      • It's a world where Larry the Cable Guy is considered the greatest comedian to have ever lived, Joel Schumacher filmed and released twelve Batman & Robin sequels, and Epic Movie is the highest grossing film of all time.
    • Of course, that's the dimension where all those things are good: Larry the Cable Guy is only known as Mater, Schumacher got some substance to go with the style, Epic Movie and its ilk are proper parodies along the lines of Airplane!! and Robin Hood: Men in Tights, and Twilight is the ascended 'tween spin-off of Buffy the Vampire Slayer. However, due to equivalent exchange, this means that Pixar movies are just "okay" and Hayao Miyazaki and Akira Kurosawa are obscure directors who are only known among other filmmakers and otaku.
    • And we mustn't forget the world filled with shrimp.

Jay Gatsby was a werewolf who imprinted on Daisy
Gatsby's obsession with Daisy shows many of the signs of imprinting. Alternatively, he might have instead imprinted on her daughter.
  • Additionally, the "bright and shiny" Daisy is a vampire. She's rich, pale, blonde, nigh-unaccessible - she's practically a Cullen, as is Jordan. Then, would "rough and brutish" Tom also be a werewolf, and nearly-The Faceless Nick is the lone sane human?
    • It's clear that Gatsby (and Daisy) try to acknowledge Pammy's existence as little as possible, which either means that No, Gatsby won't imprint on Pammy or Yes he could, and Daisy's trying to hide Pammy from him either for Pammy's safety or because of jealousy: Daisy fears that a "genuinely bright" (as in interesting, not smart) girl will come to one of Gatsby's parties and steal him.

So would this make Wilson an (accidental...?) werewolf hunter?

Also, how dare you make me associate Twilight with Gatsby! :P

Clans of shape-shifters are everywhere, especially among ancient/aboriginal peoples
For example, certain isolated clans of Inuit and First Nation people can transform into Orcas, polar bears, and moose; the Ainu can also transform into bears, as can certain ancient people of Germania. Indians from India can transform into eagles and serpents (hence Garudas and Nagas) and Greeks can transform into any weird combo of animals (hence Chimera, Hydra, Medusa, etc). It's from these people that all the tales of talking animals and animal gods (actually the shape-shifters' leaders and warriors) come from, but in the centuries since the shape-shifting clans stopped interacting with the rest of their "relatives" they've all become legendary and then purely mythical.

The country of Brazil went on a conquering spree, thus giving them a west coast.
While Bella and Edward were having their Necro-romance, Brazil became a Totalitarian Military State and conquered at least Peru, Bolivia and Chile, possibly the rest of South America as well.

Twilight takes place in the same universe as Vampirates.
It's really the only thing that got this troper through the first book after it's revealed that vampires don't need to drink blood. They don't "feed," they just subtly take the life force that they need without harming the human.

Face Punch is Grunge the Movie
The plot of Face Punch was originally developed during a trip to a Hong Kong film festival in La Jolla in the late 90s by its director, Gen13's P. Edmund Chung.

     The Plot of Twilight 
The last five words of the series will be "And then I woke up."
Nuff' said.
  • Except they really were:
    perfect piece of our forever.
    • That just means they went into the Nexus of Joy and will never bother us again!
    • They ARE "and then I woke up". Bella is really Stephenie Meyer, the entire series is just a dream she had. She said so herself, it's canon. That's why it doesn't make any sense, dreams often don't.
      • Sorry to burst your bubble (and I really am sorry about this), but only chapter 13 of Twilight is based on a dream. The rest of the series was conciously invented by Stephenie.

The next Twilight book will take a sharp turn towards darker and edgier.
Meyer already said she wanted to do this after the Midnight Sun was leaked online. She, of course, said she wouldn't but once you get an idea like that it doesn't go away. She'll publish Midnight Sun but by then she'll be so disillusioned with the fanbase and her own writing that the sequel will feature the now-vampire Bella acting like an actual vampire instead of your standard Twilight fare.

Theoretically this will lead to a Redemption Arc in the sequel, but Meyer will find it so liberating to write an evil character instead of the crap she does most of the time, she'll end up turning twilight into an Anti!Twilight series focusing on Vamp!Bella doing evil things for several books and eventually lose all sense of perspective. C'mon, it's happened to all the other Vampire Fiction Writers with long series and unpleasable fanbases. Just look at what Laurel K. Hamilton or Anne Rice did.

Stephenie Meyer will write a sequel...
That focuses about Nessie and Jacob's lives together with the Cullen family as they move to a new location. It will also focus on their children, who will be vampire/werewolve hybrids.

Five minutes after the books ended, Captain Falcon killed the entire cast.
And everyone lived happily ever after.

Midnight Sun will not be a retelling of Twilight.
It will instead be the last book in the saga, and be a CMOA. Not only will S Meyer realize how to write properly and that picking up a thesaurus does not equal good writing, but all the sues will get character development. (The person who leaked the chapters of Midnight Sun actually leaked S Meyer's DECOY story.) In the book, Bella and Alice will realize how much they love each other, and leave the Cullens to attempt world domination. Renesmee, who was never imprinted with Jacob, will become a vampire slayer and join Mike, Jessica, Angela, and Tyler (vampire slayers stationed in Forks to make sure the Cullens don't start eating humans) to stop them. Tyler's Van will be revealed to be an AI who attempted to assassinate Bella when she started getting interested in the Cullens. Sparkling is revealed to be a humiliating mark that slayers put on vampires that they track. Meanwhile, the Volturi begin building a doomsday weapon to threaten Bella and Alice with, although they never intend to use it. Jacob (who is dating Leah and was never a pedophile), Leah, and Seth will also join the vampire hunters to stop both the Volturi (who they think DO want to blow up the world) and Bella and Alice. The rest the wolves and Cullens will (after angsting a bit over having to kill members of their family) attempt to stop them too with their own plans, but the other vampires introduced in Breaking Dawn think that they're in on it and declare war on them. (That's right, we actually get to SEE their powers being used!) The Volturi complete their doomsday weapon and threaten the two insane vampires, but they steal it from them instead. Renesmee uses her Mind Rape powers to find out where Alice and Bella's hideout is, and the hunters go there and confront them. Since the wolves are involved, Alice doesn't know that they're coming and is killed quickly by Leah. Renesmee mind rapes Bella for a while until she gets bored, and then Tyler's Van comes and kills the evil vampire with its built-in flamethrowers. While Bella is running around screaming on fire, she steps on the remote for the doomsday device and explodes the entire world.

     Fans and Haters of Twilight 
Someone will protest on an important Twilight day like Stephenie Meyer Day or the release of New Moon and...

The "Team Edward" and "Team Jacob" mess is really a feud between Pseudo-goths and Furries.
I never understood that crap until just recently... Why didn't I sooner?! I mean think about it: the vampire acts like an emo who act like goths, while the werewolf transforms into a literal wolf. If that is a coincidence, it's a damn big one.
  • There was an episode of CSI: Crime Scene Investigation that was kind of about this! Two "gangs" of Fur Against Fang LARPers took their play-acting so seriously that when a "vampire" discovered her fiancee used to be a "werewolf" she murdered him as he tried desperately to tell her he really loves her, it wasn't part of the roleplay, and to remember it's all just a game.

One rampant Twilight fan created the Awesome, Heartwarming and Funny links for Twilight.
Just to appease the even more rabid Twilight Haters who are silently raging at the fact that such pages exist - for Twilight.
  • No need for appeasement, that is the only logical explanation.

Robert Pattinson was the one who leaked Midnight Sun.
It makes so. Much. Sense. Who hates Twilight more than anyone? Robert Pattinson! Who plays Edward, who narrates Midnight Sun? Robert Pattinson! Who probably realized that Midnight Sun would get its own movie (with a Cash Cow Franchse like this? You know it's true) and would do anything to make sure it didn't happen? Robert Pattinson! Seeing as how he played the star, it's entirely likely Stephenie Meyer would've let Rob have a look at the manuscript... and the rest is history.

     Other Vampires 
Diego isn't dead; he's just a sadistic bastard.
Diego is only pretending to be a nice, thoughtful guy, and he leads Bree on for his own amusement—he wanted to see how fast he could get some 15 year old vampire girl to trust and fall for him. When he goes off to visit Riley alone, he tells him everything that happened between him and Bree, and they both laugh and mock her relentlessly. Diego decides he's had enough fun misleading her and that now it's time to break her heart by disappearing. Riley's so arrogant that he figures he won't need Diego to attack the Cullens, so he's fine with Diego abandoning the group for the sake of his joke. He also can't help but tease Bree about it later after Diego's gone.

Chelsea is the puppet master controlling the Volturri through Aro.
Think about it. She uses her abilities to bind all the Volturri gaurds as well as Marcud to Aro and to keep the Volturri wives under control. The only members of the Volturri who haven't been under her control are Cias and Aro. Yet according to the databooks Aro favors her and gives her whatever she wants. So why hasn't she taken over unless she already did.

Benjamin was the Avatar in this particular cycle.
Why was he special enough to control all four elements as a vampire (and apparently as a human too)? Because he's the avatar. No one else is able to use all four elements, and none seem to be able to control (or properly and fully control) a single element.
     Unrelated to The Above 
Surprise appearance in a future book
Xadhoom will show up and kill Bella, ending the series. Let's be honest, What would be more satisfying than for a Well-written character to kill the definite Mary Sue?
Twilight was never meant to be a real story.
Yes, I am not fond of Twilight. I don't 'hate' it per-say, it's just not one of my favorites. Anyways, my theory is that it's not a real story at all, but a parody of bad fanfiction in book-form. If this is the case, I would call it humorous, charming and a well-deserved middle finger to those who claim to be writers yet are ether too lazy or apathetic to at least try and write something decent.

Take the book series Warrior Cats for example. I myself really enjoy this saga and think it's a fairly decent, imaginative story. However, the books themselves are riddled with painfully basic typos and inconsistencies. In this respect, thinking of the saga as a parody has kept my respect for it up and allowed me to enjoy it more. I am NOT flaming or even trying to criticize here, I'm just giving my guess. Is that okay with you guys?

12 Angry MenWMG/FilmTwister
TrucksWMG/LiteratureUbik

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