"When correctly viewed
Everything is lewd
I could tell you things about Peter Pan
And the Wizard of Oz; there's a dirty old man!"
— Tom Lehrer, "Smut"
"She was pure like snowflakes no one could ever stain,
The memory of my angel could never cause me pain.
Years go by, I'm lookin' through a girly magazine,
and there's my homeroom angel on the pages in between!
My blood runs cold; my memory has just been sold,
My angel is the centerfold. (Angel is the centerfold.)"
— The J. Geils Band, "Centerfold"
"You wouldn't believe how many fetishes there are that involve me and Sam."
— Max in Sam & Max: The Penal Zone
Rachel: No. Not-not for me, but why don’t you take off your sweater?
Joey: I would, but this is a nice place and my T-shirt has a picture of Calvin doing Hobbes.
Rachel: Oh my God! Really?! Can I see it?
Joey: Yeah. Sure. (Rachel looks inside the neck of his sweater)
Rachel: Huh. Wow, I wouldn’t think Hobbes would like that so much.
— Friends, "The One Where Joey Tells Rachel"
"Paul: My name is Paul."
"Paul: I said my name is Paul."
"Carl: Oh... I thought you were a woman."
"Paul: Why would you think that?"
"Carl: Mostly the hat, are you sure?"
"Paul: Of course I'm sure!"
"Carl: Well... If you'll excuse me I have some pictures to delete from my computer..."
—Llamas with Hats
You would've known that Flash had just vibrated out of his costume and is vibrating SO FAST that he can't be seen; Grodd, being a simple gorilla, has no concept of a naked Flash vibrating invisibly next to him. Only a human could conceive of a naked, vibrating, invisible Flash. Because we are Nature's Greatest Mistake.
"'I like to watch robots pee.' I bet you there's a website for that. [beat] There is now!"
— Craig Ferguson
"If you need more information about sex, just Google... anything, really."
— Stephen Colbert, The Colbert Report
Sexual arousal may occur from anything under the sun, including the sun.
— The DSM (Diagnostic & Statistical Manual of Mental Disordersnote )
"The pornos happen fast, I will give them that. Thank GOD I aged them up to the ripe year of 15. Conscience totally fucking ameliorated."
— Andrew Hussie, a day after introducing some new characters to Homestuck
"Many of you have probably been blissfully unaware of this, but there is a shocking amount of erotic Futurama fan-fiction on the Internet. You don't even want to know the things people have imagined doing with The Hypnotoad."
— Matt Tobey, Countdown to Futurama
NEVER GOOGLE IMAGE SEARCH ANY POKEMON EVER BUT ESPECIALLY NOT GARDEVOIR.
— Andrew Bridgmen, "15 Greatest Generation III Pokemon"
"...Somehow people have a way of putting up their obsessions onto the internet and sharing them with other obsessives. And those people, those hardcore people like the thing so much that they spend time drawing images that well... that reflect their own fantasies about the characters on the show. I love this and happily endorse it. Even if it was a kids show. Lets face it, if you're going to fall in love with a cartoon character, it's your god given right to ponder what she or indeed he looks like with less clothes on."
— David Freedman, creator of Bounty Hamster on discovering fanart of his obscure show.
For the record: I KNOW that Rule 34 applies to my own show, and NO, I haven't read any of the fan fiction. I HAVE seen things I wish to unsee.
— Adam Savage's twitter.
"If the fact that a story about a Luke/Leia/Chewie scatfest that devolves into Han shooting himself in the head, Dash Rendar appearing to get double-teamed by Luke and Leia and subsequently execute them, only to get interrupted by Admiral Akbar (labeled 'Cat Fish Guy' by the author) and then run off to have sex with his robot servant doesn't seriously raise your apprehension about this list... turn back now. Seriously. This story sickened us all. The only thing that allowed us to crawl through it was the knowledge that the author couldn't possibly have been: A. Sober, B. Sane, or C. An actual Star Wars fan (who gets Admiral Akbar wrong, seriously?)."
—Topless Robot, "The 10 Most Face-Meltingly Awful Facfics"
Chris: Mystique also cycles through a bunch of sexy forms before giving it one last shot by turning into Brian Cox, which, brother, if that wasn’t the jumping-off point for a thousand fanfics, I don’t know what is.
Matt: She also tries out Rogue, which continues that creepy thread from the previous movie. But that wouldn’t hold a candle to Jackman/Cox.
Chris: Hehe, “Jackman/Cox.”
David: Clark is trying to convince people he’s stuck in someone else’s body, while Lionel is trying to convince people that he ISN’T, and the latter is a more sane-sounding option.
Chris: And as you mentioned, he starts with Martha Kent...as soon as Ma Kent gives him a hug, he immediately starts smelling her hair and shoots fireballs out of his eyes, which is what Kryptonians in Smallville do when they get aroused. Not even kidding. Either way, it’s at this point that the show finally catches up to the more unsavory portions of LiveJournal, which I assume were slashing “Clartha” halfway through the debut episode.
David: At the end of this episode, I expected everyone involved to jump onscreen, take a bow, strike a pose and yell “THE ARISTOCRATS!”
"A few years ago, a popular, cleverly written cartoon launched a beloved 1980s franchise back to the heights of its success. However, a group of people soon started investing way, way too much into the show. A strange fandom started sprouting, and before long, the Internet was teeming with the fruits of its creativity (including insanely long pieces of fan fiction and, of course, porn). Soon, these strange folks were seemingly everywhere, screeching defensive arguments re: their right to feel unhealthy affection for cartoon animals at the slightest provocation.
Yep, I'm talking about bronies — the strange mole folk who have managed to up and get creepy about the least sexy, most child-friendly animated things in the entirety of recorded history. Now, keep their existence in mind and imagine what would happen to a show about scantily clad, fully anthropomorphic animals."
—Cracked, "4 Upcoming Reboots That Must Be Stopped"
A: But... why? My god, why would you do a thing like that?
B: Just fap. Fap your childhood to pieces.
Pintsize: Rule 34 is the ultimate expression of human creativity! Creating porn of ANYTHING THE HUMAN MIND CAN CONCEIVE is an endeavor on par with colonizing the stars or tapping into the secrets of the universe!
Winslow: I think you just like looking at pooping catgirls.
— Questionable Content
Well, I think I've seen enough horrifying material here to replace my nightmares of extra-terrestrial poon, with nightmares of being violated by a human Beavis with a plaster nose. [gives thumbs up and smiles] Thanks, Rule 34-sploitation!
— The Cinema Snob
"I even found one of a lactating hermaphroditic Quistis tit-fucking herself and blowing her own three-foot cock while choking it with her whip, sticking the handle in her pussy and jamming a vibrator in her own asshole."
"I have the Internet, I've seen everything. I've seen porn of me, for God's sake!"
— Todd in the Shadows
William Murderface: I HAVE DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
—Texts From Mordhaus