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Escargoon: Sire, a message from your fortune teller.
King Dedede: Well? What's my soothsayer say?
Escargoon: I'm lookin', I'm lookin'. (unwraps the fortune) It says, "If you look for trouble, your trouble will double." (gasps)
King Dedede: Hmph. What's that mumbo-gumbo supposed to mean?
Escargoon: I'm not sure, but there's more.
King Dedede: Good. Is it next week's lottery numbers?
Escargoon: If it was, I wouldn't tell you. It says, "Your account is past due. Pay up, you cheap tightwad!" (gets hammered) Great. Just 'cause I'm a snail, I get slugged.
King Dedede: Well I'll show her. (throws hammer away) I'm orderin' a new monster.
Escargoon: Did you order me some aspirin?
King Dedede: Well? What's my soothsayer say?
Escargoon: I'm lookin', I'm lookin'. (unwraps the fortune) It says, "If you look for trouble, your trouble will double." (gasps)
King Dedede: Hmph. What's that mumbo-gumbo supposed to mean?
Escargoon: I'm not sure, but there's more.
King Dedede: Good. Is it next week's lottery numbers?
Escargoon: If it was, I wouldn't tell you. It says, "Your account is past due. Pay up, you cheap tightwad!" (gets hammered) Great. Just 'cause I'm a snail, I get slugged.
King Dedede: Well I'll show her. (throws hammer away) I'm orderin' a new monster.
Escargoon: Did you order me some aspirin?
— Kirby: Right Back at Ya!, "The Fofa Factor"
"It's not justice if you don't go overboard. That is my policy!"
— Myouri Unzen, Medaka Box
"Unforgivable! To be equated with that miserable creature! So humiliating!"
— Boris Tepes Dracula's reaction to Horohoro comparing him to Kouji Yamada in terms of vampiric appearance, Shaman King
"You know, she ate my ice cream last night. I'll never forgive her for that."
— Asagi's mother, Yotsuba&!
Comic Books
Maybe it was just a coincidence that the chef laughed while looking in the Penguin's direction. Maybe he just happened to think of something funny, some joke he'd heard the other day, while glancing around the room. Maybe there was nothing malicious about it at all. But in the end... it really didn't matter. And so they ate their dinner, and enjoyed their evening, and the Penguin never said a word about the chef who'd laughed. But a few days later, that building had a new owner, and the restaurant was forced to close, its employees all fired. And the day after losing his job, the chef found that his girlfriend had been suddenly deported to Romania, and his best friend arrested for child pornography, despite his insistence that he was framed. The day after that, a new tenant moved in next door and began blasting their stereo at all hours of the day and night. The landlord stopped taking his calls. The church he attended was closed for fumigation, after a bizarre infestation of killer bees. The park where he liked to sit and read was annexed and bulldozed. And then the chef, who was a recovering alcoholic, woke one morning to find that a 24-hour liquor store had opened across the street from his apartment. Less than two months after he'd crossed paths with the Penguin, a night janitor found the chef in a bus station restroom. He'd hanged himself.
— Joker's Asylum: Penguin
Comic Strips
[having just shot a companion] "You guys are all witnesses... he laughed when my marshmallow caught fire."
— Cowboy #5. The Far Side
Fan Works
Dessert comes out and you snag a piece of layer cake but you're so stuffed that you have to surround it in cling wrap and hide it in the back of the refrigerator to take home later. If someone finds it and consumes it you'll have to commit genocide.
Another man might ask what he'd done for God to punish him like this. Kirei was fully aware of exactly what he'd done to earn God's ire. But surely this was excessive, even for divine retribution.
Shinguji steps forward. “Shirogane-san and I discovered that there is a pool, though the water is rather shallow.”
“Hoshi-kun was also there,” Shirogane adds insistently. “And, uh, Monokuma also came by to tell us that swimming is banned during night time, and,” she wrings her hands, “if anyone tries to, an alarm will sound and the Exisals will come after whoever broke the rule.”
Tojo’s visible eye widens. “That is a rather intense punishment for swimming after hours.”
“Hoshi-kun was also there,” Shirogane adds insistently. “And, uh, Monokuma also came by to tell us that swimming is banned during night time, and,” she wrings her hands, “if anyone tries to, an alarm will sound and the Exisals will come after whoever broke the rule.”
Tojo’s visible eye widens. “That is a rather intense punishment for swimming after hours.”
Eggnog: eat my stick (hits Piss with a stick)
Piss: eat my bench (throws bench at Eggnog)
Piss: eat my bench (throws bench at Eggnog)
I let the police take me but I told her in a deep threating voice “you will regret betraying me” she didn’t know I was going to wipe out her entire gene pool. I met her friends before I was betrayed, so I broke out of prison, killed her friends first just to scare her, but she didn’t know it was me who killed her friends, until I told her, after telling her I tore out her throat, and I then destroyed the village, killing the rest of her family. I also killed her relatives in her family. By doing that I broke my promise to her.
— Christian Humber Reloaded "Revenge Against Soku's Family"
Film — Animated
"Don't be nervous, kid... but if you keep staring at me like that, I'm gonna cut your eyes out."
— Black Mask to a bodyguard, Batman: Under the Red Hood
Drew Flynn: You're dead... We killed...
The Spectre, disguised as Foster Brenner: Killed me? All because you got cut out of a job? That was worth my life?
The Spectre, disguised as Foster Brenner: Killed me? All because you got cut out of a job? That was worth my life?
(Emperor Kuzco backs into old man)
Emperor Kuzco: DOHHH! You threw off my groove!
Palace Guard: I'm sorry, but you've thrown off the Emperor's groove. (picks old man up by the collar)
(the old man is thrown off the mountain side)
Old Man: SOORRRrryyyyyyyyy!
Emperor Kuzco: DOHHH! You threw off my groove!
Palace Guard: I'm sorry, but you've thrown off the Emperor's groove. (picks old man up by the collar)
(the old man is thrown off the mountain side)
Old Man: SOORRRrryyyyyyyyy!
Elastigirl: But it doesn't bother you that an innocent man is in jail?
Screenslaver: Eh, he was surly. And the pizza was cold.
Screenslaver: Eh, he was surly. And the pizza was cold.
"My crew was chosen as carefully as the Disciples of Christ, and I will not tolerate stowaways. You will be flogged. And when we put in to Cuba to resupply, *God willing*, you will be flogged some more. And then enslaved on the sugar plantations for the rest of your miserable lives. To the brig!"
"All bubble-blowing babies will be beaten senseless by every able-bodied patron in the bar.note "
— All the thugs in the Bad Guy Bar, The Spongebob Squarepants Movie
"Why on earth do you take snack food so seriously?!?"
— Jonah as he's about to be executed for allegedly stealing bags of cheese curls, Jonah: A VeggieTales Movie
Film — Live-Action
"Once upon a time in China, some believe around the year one double-aught three, the head priest of the White Lotus Clan, Pai Mei, was walking down the road, contemplating whatever it is that a man of Pai Mei's infinite power contemplates — which is another way of saying "who knows?" — when a Shaolin monk appeared, traveling in the opposite direction. As the monk and the priest crossed paths, Pai Mei, in a practically unfathomable display of generosity, gave the monk the slightest of nods. The nod was not returned. Now, was it the intention of the Shaolin monk to insult Pai Mei? Or did he just fail to see the generous social gesture? The motives of the monk remain unknown. What is known, are the consequences. The next morning Pai Mei appeared at the Shaolin Temple and demanded of the Temple's head abbot that he offer Pai Mei his neck to repay the insult. The Abbot at first tried to console Pai Mei, only to find Pai Mei was... inconsolable. So began the massacre of the Shaolin Temple and all sixty of the monks inside at the fists of the White Lotus. And so began the legend of Pai Mei's Five Point Palm Exploding Heart Technique."
— Bill, Kill Bill
"He pulls a knife, you pull a gun. He sends one of yours to the hospital, you send one of his to the morgue. That's the Chicago way!"
— Jim Malone, The Untouchables
"A worldwide financial meltdown, and all so mad little Alec can settle a score with the world 50 years on."
The Beast: Your father is a thief. [...] He stole a rose.
Belle: I asked for the rose. Punish me, not him!
Maurice: No! He means forever. Apparently, that's what happens around here when you pick a flower.
Belle: A life sentence for a rose?
The Beast: I received eternal damnation for one. I'm merely locking him away.
Belle: I asked for the rose. Punish me, not him!
Maurice: No! He means forever. Apparently, that's what happens around here when you pick a flower.
Belle: A life sentence for a rose?
The Beast: I received eternal damnation for one. I'm merely locking him away.
"You've been killing me over some stupid GUY?!"
— Tree, Happy Death Day
"You gotta be kidding me! DEATH for sleeping on roses? Geez! I'd hate to see what you guys do to literers!"
Dr. Robotnik: I want you to know that the only other person who ever punched me in the face was the school bully. He hit me in the cafeteria, causing a blunt force contusion to the soft tissue surrounding my orbital bone. Humiliated me in front of the entire school, and you know what I did in response?
Tom: I'm assuming that you reported him to the principal's office because, you know, that kind of behavior is really unacceptable.
Dr. Robotnik: No. I examined the inefficiency of a world where brawn trumped brain, and I used technology to resolve that inefficiency. The boy ate his meals through a straw for a year, and I have never lost a fight again.
Tom: I'm assuming that you reported him to the principal's office because, you know, that kind of behavior is really unacceptable.
Dr. Robotnik: No. I examined the inefficiency of a world where brawn trumped brain, and I used technology to resolve that inefficiency. The boy ate his meals through a straw for a year, and I have never lost a fight again.
"They bomb a church, we bomb 10. They hijack a plane, we take out an airport. They execute American tourists, we nuke an entire city. We make terrorism so horrific that it's unthinkable to attack Americans."
— Gabriel, Swordfish
Skinner: You see, as much as I enjoyed your wild theories, Sergeant, the truth is far less complex. Blower's fate was simply the result of his being... an appalling actor.
The NWA Members: (in unison) Appalling!
Angel: You murdered him for that?!
Skinner: Well, he murdered Bill Shakespeare.
The NWA Members: (in unison) Appalling!
Angel: You murdered him for that?!
Skinner: Well, he murdered Bill Shakespeare.
— Hot Fuzz
"This sort of thing used to be civilized! You'd hit a guy, he'd whack ya, done! But with Benedict... at the end of this, he'd better not know you're involved. Not know your names, or think you're dead. Because he'll kill ya. And then he'll go to work on ya."
— Reuben, Ocean's Eleven
"This musn't register on an emotional level. First, distract target, then block his blind jab. Counter with cross to left cheek. Discombobulate. Dazed, he'll attempt wild haymaker. Employ elbow block and body shot. Block feral left. Weaken right jaw, now fracture. Break cracked ribs. Traumatize solar plexus. Dislocate jaw entirely. Heel kick to diaphragm. In summary: ears ringing, jaw fractured, three ribs cracked, four broken, diaphragm hemmoraghing. Physical recovery: six weeks. Full psychological recovery: six months. Capacity to spit at back of head: neutralized."
— Sherlock Holmes, Sherlock Holmes (2009)
"Anyone who even thinks about deserting this mission will be cut up into 198 pieces. Those pieces will be stamped on until what is left can be used only to paint walls. Whoever takes one grain of corn or one drop of water more than his ration, will be locked up for 155 years."
— Don Lope de Aguirre, Aguirre, the Wrath of God
"My first day here, he beat me because I threw out the bones from dinner."
— Helen Hirsch on Amon Goeth, Schindler's List
Vincent Vega: Foot massage? That's it? What did Marsellus do?
Jules Winnfield: Sent a couple cats over to his place, they took him out on his patio, threw his ass over the balcony.
Jules Winnfield: Sent a couple cats over to his place, they took him out on his patio, threw his ass over the balcony.
"A husband being protective of his wife is one thing, a husband almost killing another man for touching his wife's feet is something else."
— Mia Wallace, Pulp Fiction
Stan: Listen I'm only telling the truth. You have got a very big nose.
Mr. Big Nose: Hey. Your nose is going to be three foot wide accross your face by the time I'm finished with you!
Mr. Big Nose: Hey. Your nose is going to be three foot wide accross your face by the time I'm finished with you!
"Just a minute. Robin Hood steals money from my pocket, forcing me to hurt the public, and they love him for it? That's it, then. Cancel the kitchen scraps for lepers and orphans, no more merciful beheadings, and call off Christmas!"
— Sheriff of Nottingham, Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves
"If I hear so much as a mouse fart in here the rest of the night I swear by God and sonny Jesus you will all visit the infirmary! Every last motherfucker in here!"
— Captain Byron Hadley, The Shawshank Redemption
Andy Dufresne: I'm done. Everything stops. Get someone else to run your scams.
Warden Samuel Norton: Nothing stops. Nothing... or you will do the hardest time there is. No more protection from the guards. I'll pull you out of that one-bunk Hilton and cast you down with the Sodomites. You'll think you've been fucked by a train! And the library? Gone... sealed off, brick-by-brick. We'll have us a little book barbecue in the yard. They'll see the flames for miles. We'll dance around it like wild Injuns! You understand me? Catching my drift?... Or am I being obtuse? Give him another month to think about it.
Warden Samuel Norton: Nothing stops. Nothing... or you will do the hardest time there is. No more protection from the guards. I'll pull you out of that one-bunk Hilton and cast you down with the Sodomites. You'll think you've been fucked by a train! And the library? Gone... sealed off, brick-by-brick. We'll have us a little book barbecue in the yard. They'll see the flames for miles. We'll dance around it like wild Injuns! You understand me? Catching my drift?... Or am I being obtuse? Give him another month to think about it.
Luigi Largo: Someone's gonna hang if I don't get my coffee.
Luigi's Gopher: Decaf?
Luigi: I will shoot you in the face.
Luigi's Gopher: Decaf?
Luigi: I will shoot you in the face.
"I used to know a girl; she had a dozen guys. One of them found out about it... beat her up so bad she ended up at a hospital on Guerrero Street."
— Mark, The Room (2003)
Tina: Why don't we go to the park?
Scuz: Oh we can't, the cops said they'd shoot us if we go back to the park.
Scuz: Oh we can't, the cops said they'd shoot us if we go back to the park.
"Ah! Try as they will, and try as they might, he who steals me gold won't live through the night!"
— Lubdan the Leprechaun, Leprechaun
"Have you seen a crock of gold lying around? Tell me or I'll bite your ear off, and I'll make a boot out of it!"
— Lubdan the Leprechaun, Leprechaun
"You dog! Have you forgotten that anyone who speaks ill about the royal family gets his tongue cut off?"
— Bijjalladeva, Baahubali 2: The Conclusion
"You ruined my new jacket! Kill him A LOT!"
— Amilyn, Buffy the Vampire Slayer
Waiter: Would you like to hear today's specials?
Patrick Bateman: Not if you want to keep your spleen.
Patrick Bateman: Not if you want to keep your spleen.
Melanie Daniels: Why did he shoot her?
Mitch Brenner: He was watching a ball game on television.
Melanie: What?
Mitch: His wife changed the channel.
Mitch Brenner: He was watching a ball game on television.
Melanie: What?
Mitch: His wife changed the channel.
"I believe in America. America has made my fortune, and I raised my daughter in the American fashion. I gave her freedom, but I taught her never to dishonor her family. She found a boyfriend, not an Italian. She went to the movies with him. She stayed out late. I didn't protest. Two months ago, he took her for a drive with another boyfriend. They made her drink whiskey and then they tried to take advantage of her. She resisted. She kept her honor. So they beat her like an animal. When I went to the hospital, her nose was broken. Her jaw was shattered, held together by wire. She couldn't even weep because of the pain... But I wept. Why did I weep? She was the light of my life. A beautiful girl. Now she will never be beautiful again."
— Amerigo Bonasera to Don Vito Corleone, The Godfather
Jim: "You destroyed their jet skis!"
Stifler: "They splashed us. So..."
— ''American Reunion
Light Novels
[Izumii's room is charred from a fire]
Izumii: God, I wasn't smoking! I swear!
[Izumii's father strikes him and leaves the room]
Izumii's Father: Smartass punk.
[Izumii sees Aoba smiling victoriously]
Izumii: You're such a little shit. You trying to get back at me for smackin' you around?
Aoba: What are you talking about? I'm just glad you didn't get hurt.
Izumii: God, I wasn't smoking! I swear!
[Izumii's father strikes him and leaves the room]
Izumii's Father: Smartass punk.
[Izumii sees Aoba smiling victoriously]
Izumii: You're such a little shit. You trying to get back at me for smackin' you around?
Aoba: What are you talking about? I'm just glad you didn't get hurt.
— Durarara!! x2, episode 22
Literature
The Laundry is infamous for its grotesque excesses in the name of accounting; budgetary infractions are punished like war crimes, and mere paperclips can bring down the wrath of dead alien gods on your head.
I once saw my former master murder every single inhabitant of a small town in what is now northern Romania, and not just murder them. For three days, our army visited every torte you can imagine — and plenty that I hope you can't — on these poor people. We killed and trotted. We made the streets run with blood. We forced parents to kill their children, brothers to rape their sisters, husbands to blind and maim their wives. When it was over, we burned the bodies and the buildings, and we salted the ground so nothing could ever grow there again. And do you know why we did it? Because as we rode through the town, the mayor's wife did not bow deeply enough as Prince Vlad passed her. For that one tiny unintentional insult, more than a hundred, men, women, and children died in agony. So I ask you this: Can you even begin to imagine what Dracula will do as revenge for having lain dormant beneath the ground for more than a century?
— Valeri Rusmanov, Department 19
Blackmailing the instructor to change Squire's beginning position and meddle with the memory magic might have been a more expensive endeavor, had the man in question not been caught trying to escape the city and been crucified for his trouble. A rather mild reaction, by the standards of the Black Knight. The last time he'd caught a noble meddling in College business, he'd had their entire family eaten alive by spiders.
This eye for an eye business is horridly proportional. I assure you, if I'm losing an eye then so is everyone else.
— Dread Empress Sanguinia II, A Practical Guide to Evil
"What, uh, what exactly have these people done to us? That we must burn their villages and slaughter all their water-buffaloes?"
"They raised the price of nutmeg by nine stuyvers. Unilaterally."
Pier nodded. He was no a good and salty sea dog, and knew what a truly unforgivable crime this was in the eyes of the Trading Company.
"They raised the price of nutmeg by nine stuyvers. Unilaterally."
Pier nodded. He was no a good and salty sea dog, and knew what a truly unforgivable crime this was in the eyes of the Trading Company.
— With Musket And Ducat, by Tais Teng
"What did you do?" she asked.
The man looked around again before answering. "Did thieving," he said quickly. "Got caught trying to get an old painting of a garuda from some ancient cunt out in Chnum. Worth a fortune. Magister said since I was so impressed with garuda, I could -" his breath caught for a moment "-I could be one."
Isaac could see how the feathers of the face were shoved ruthlessly into the skin, doubtless bonded subcutaneously to make removal too agonizing to consider. He imagined the process of insertion, one by torturing one. When the Remade turned slightly to Derkhan, Isaac could see the ugly knot of hardened flesh on his back where those wings, torn from some buzzard or vulture, had been sealed together with the human muscles. Nerve endings bonded randomly and uselessly, and the wings moved only with the spasms of a long-drawn-out death. Isaac's nose wrinkled at the stench. The wings were rotting slowly on the Remade's back.
The man looked around again before answering. "Did thieving," he said quickly. "Got caught trying to get an old painting of a garuda from some ancient cunt out in Chnum. Worth a fortune. Magister said since I was so impressed with garuda, I could -" his breath caught for a moment "-I could be one."
Isaac could see how the feathers of the face were shoved ruthlessly into the skin, doubtless bonded subcutaneously to make removal too agonizing to consider. He imagined the process of insertion, one by torturing one. When the Remade turned slightly to Derkhan, Isaac could see the ugly knot of hardened flesh on his back where those wings, torn from some buzzard or vulture, had been sealed together with the human muscles. Nerve endings bonded randomly and uselessly, and the wings moved only with the spasms of a long-drawn-out death. Isaac's nose wrinkled at the stench. The wings were rotting slowly on the Remade's back.
...Terminate With Extreme Prejudice did not simply require that the victim was inhumed, preferably in an extremely thorough way, but that his associates and employees were also intimately involved, along with business premises, the building, and a large part of the surrounding neighborhood, so that everyone involved would know that the man had been unwise enough to make the kind of enemies who could get very angry and indiscriminate.
— Pyramids, by Terry Pratchett
"A Tinker's debt is always paid:
Once for every simple trade
Twice for freely-given aid
Thrice for any insult made."
Once for every simple trade
Twice for freely-given aid
Thrice for any insult made."
— Kvothe, The Name of the Wind
Quemot: Losing a chess game is insufficient motive [for murder] surely, Plainclothesman.
Elijah Baley: It depends on how seriously you take your chess. Motives can seem all the world to the murderer and completely insignificant to everyone else.
Elijah Baley: It depends on how seriously you take your chess. Motives can seem all the world to the murderer and completely insignificant to everyone else.
Live-Action TV
Michael: Let Me Get This Straight.... Derek, quote, "made mean eyes at you", so you went to Mindy's house and murdered him?
Jason: Yeah dawg, but his eyes were really mean.
Jason: Yeah dawg, but his eyes were really mean.
— The Good Place, "A Girl From Arizona"
"Joey ate my last stick of gum, so I killed him. Do you think that was wrong?"
— Chandler, Friends
Joffrey: Traitors! I'll have all their heads!
Tyrion: Oh, you blind bloody fool!
Joffrey: You can't insult me!
Tyrion: We've had vicious kings and we've had idiot kings, but I don't know if we've ever been cursed with a vicious idiot for a king!
Joffrey: You can't-
Tyron: I can and I am!
Joffrey: They attacked me!!
Tyrion: They threw a cowpie at you and you decided to kill them all! They're starving, You Fool!! All because of a war you started!
Tyrion: Oh, you blind bloody fool!
Joffrey: You can't insult me!
Tyrion: We've had vicious kings and we've had idiot kings, but I don't know if we've ever been cursed with a vicious idiot for a king!
Joffrey: You can't-
Tyron: I can and I am!
Joffrey: They attacked me!!
Tyrion: They threw a cowpie at you and you decided to kill them all! They're starving, You Fool!! All because of a war you started!
Frank: I grifted your asses good, because you said I was slipping!
Dee: You made me dig up my dead mother because I said you were losing it?
Dee: You made me dig up my dead mother because I said you were losing it?
— It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, "Charlie's Mom Has Cancer"
"Josh, we're talking about Megan! I mean, this is the little girl who cut the brakelines on your bike because you scratched her yo-yo. Now you think she's gonna let us off the hook after we killed her rare Cuban hamster?!"
— Drake Parker, Drake & Josh, "Megan's Revenge"
"So… because I didn't know what time it was, you ruined my chance to do something amazing that could've changed my whole life?!"
— Freddie Benson, iCarly, "iCan't Take It"
Gloria: You cost me my job! Now I can't pay my bills!
Arthur: And you hurt my feelings. So we're even!
Arthur: And you hurt my feelings. So we're even!
"I am going to create an environment so toxic no one will want to be part of that club. Like the time I sold my house to a nice young couple and salted the earth in the backyard so that nothing could grow there for 100 years. Know why I did that? Because they tried to get me to pay their closing costs."
— Sue Sylvester, Glee
Phillip Price: You got your U.N. vote, you got your plant, you got everything you wanted! No. You don't get off that easy, not until you explain it to me. You had to destroy so much. Why?
Whiterose: Because Phillip, I had to ask you twice.
Whiterose: Because Phillip, I had to ask you twice.
— Mr. Robot, referring to Whiterose destroying 71 E Corp buildings and killing thousands of innocent people.
Janitor: You know, I know you knocked that exit sign down.
J.D.: Well then I'm sure I can expect an appropriate retaliatory response. Maybe you could shoot me in the neck.
J.D.: Well then I'm sure I can expect an appropriate retaliatory response. Maybe you could shoot me in the neck.
— Scrubs, "My Old Friend's New Friend"
"Who the hell put bouillon cubes in the showerhead?! Hmm?! Did you do it? Did you? If it happens again... I will wait in my SUV; blast me some speed metal, 5.1 surround sound, heavy on the bass... And someone. Will be getting. Mowed. Down."
Krieg: You've killed my men, destroyed my fleet. Why are you after me?
Mihawk: You woke me from my nap.
Mihawk: You woke me from my nap.
"The disproportional response! Let the word ring forth, from this time and this place, gentlemen, you kill an American, any American, we don't come back with a proportional response. We come back with total disaster!"
— President Jed Bartlet, The West Wing
"One more mistake, and [Amy's] gonna take my arm off like a puma."
— Robert Barone, Everybody Loves Raymond, "The Plan"
Music
"Don't you go messing with me emotionally,
Or else I will make you bleed internally."
Or else I will make you bleed internally."
— GG Allin, "Automatic"
They called him a hero
In the land of the free
But he wouldn't shake my hand
Boy, he disappointed me
So I got my handgun
And I blew him away
That critter was a bad guy
I had to make him pay
In the land of the free
But he wouldn't shake my hand
Boy, he disappointed me
So I got my handgun
And I blew him away
That critter was a bad guy
I had to make him pay
— Queen, "Put Out the Fire"
I dug my key into the side
Of his pretty little souped-up 4 wheel drive
Carved my name into his leather seats
I took a Louisville Slugger to both headlights
Slashed a hole in all four tires
Maybe next time he'll think before he cheats.
Of his pretty little souped-up 4 wheel drive
Carved my name into his leather seats
I took a Louisville Slugger to both headlights
Slashed a hole in all four tires
Maybe next time he'll think before he cheats.
— Carrie Underwood, Before He Cheats
Religion and Mythology
I have killed a man for wounding me,
a young man for striking me.
If Cain’s revenge is sevenfold,
then Lamech’s is seventy-sevenfold.
a young man for striking me.
If Cain’s revenge is sevenfold,
then Lamech’s is seventy-sevenfold.
— Lamech, The Bible (English Standard Version), Genesis 4:23-24
"Men do not despise a thief if he steals to satisfy his hunger when he is starving. Yet if he is caught, he must pay sevenfold, though it costs him all the wealth of his house."
— The Bible (New International Version), Proverbs 6:30-31
Tabletop Games
One bone broken for every twig snapped under foot.note
"Barbarians! They burned my favourite chair! We'll kill them all!"
Tzimisce domitors also use the threat of further bodily modification as a deterrent, ensuring that ghouls behave properly and obey all commands without question. More than one ghoul has had her legs amputated after a mere utterance of the word "but."
— Vampire: The Masquerade - Ghouls: Fatal Addiction
The doors of the Amethyst College are always slightly ajar, yet few thieves are bold enough to enter the gloomy portals. There is a tale of one who did: Cassio the Tilean stole forty silver shillings and a brooch from the Amethyst College twenty years ago. He spent the money but was unable to find anyone who would buy the brooch. Soon afterwards, his wife died in a household accident that left him blind; he then contracted a loathsome wasting disease. Cast out by his remaining family, he became a degenerate beggar. All those who gave him money out of pity found that they had bad luck afterwards, and soon stopped helping him. Eventually, he came to the conclusion that the brooch was cursed and tried to return it to the Amethyst College: he spent years crawling through the streets of Altdorf trying to find his way back to the place he had robbed; his pitiful cries for direction became well-known in the city. He never made it: years later, in a pogrom against Chaos, his abhorrent form was mistaken for a mutant, and he was stabbed and thrown in the Talabec to drown. He has not been seen since, but some who tell the story say that he could not die and still ekes out a miserable existence somewhere in the wild land outside the city. Nobody has tried to steal from the Amethyst College since; anyone mentioning the idea will be warned of Cassio's fate.
— Warhammer Fantasy Roleplay: Realms Of Sorcery (1st ed)
Crossing water by boat or bridge does not bother Vampires, but most Undead may be destroyed by complete immersion in running water. As is usual, there are some exceptions to the rule, as Father Schmirgeln discovered when he broke the ice of the frozen Urskoy river as Count von Sangster crossed it, only to have the Vampire walk out dripping wet and dismember Schmirgeln for daring to dampen the Vampire’s evening wear.
— Maximilian Sommers, Warhammer Fantasy Roleplay: Night's Dark Masters - A Guide To Vampires
To cross the Black Descent is to invite a punishment darkly twisted to fit the crime. One who uses brute force against them may later find himself stung by an insect-sized Wrack, the hyperdrenaline introduced into his bloodstream forcing him into a frenzy so severe he literally tears himself apart. One who delays payment for the Black Descent’s poisons may awake one morning trapped in a Sslyth venom-nest. Even unintended offense can yield retribution: when an ambassador from the Kabal of the Baleful Gaze wrinkled his nose at the stench of the Coven’s dungeons, he soon found himself coughing on transmutative gas. Later that night he sprouted the quivering nostrils of an Ur-Ghul, his eyes sealing over so he could better appreciate the fine bouquet of rot.
—Warhammer 40,000: Haemonculus Covens
In the sub-equatorial deserts of Kleizen Onjere, the planet's millennia-old soil conditioning has decayed beyond the inhabitants' ability to restore it. The water table has sunk too low and the earth has broken back down to abrasive orange gravel. At the long day's peak, the desert sweats out pockets of subsurface air, loaded with chemical compounds that sting the eyes and bring rashes to the skin, while bacteria inflame any cut or abrasion. The only refuges are the chains of steep-sided mesas that stand high enough to be clear of the sand-vapour until it cools and sinks away again in the dusk.
The Adeptus arbiters, whose polar training compounds and orbital docks make Kleizen Onjere a nexus point for fleet movements across three sectors, also keep watchtowers across the mesa chains. Moving between them are the convicts, disgraced and sentenced officers of the Adeptus, trekking across the sand barefoot and in coarse prisoners' clothes. They each pull behind them a metal frame that supports a banner-pole, from which hang parchment lists of the convicts' crimes, the dates and particulars of their convictions, the seal of the judge who passed sentence, and the stamps of the chasteners who mete out penal labours or floggings as their particular punishment demands.
The crimes that brought this sentence were light ones, all things considered. Low-level incompetence in their duties, perhaps, or a speech that a judge had ruled might lead to sedition. It could be impiety, laziness, freethinking, or any of the myriad ways of putting the Emperor behind their personal welfare that the penal codes sum up as "thoughts of self."
The Adeptus arbiters, whose polar training compounds and orbital docks make Kleizen Onjere a nexus point for fleet movements across three sectors, also keep watchtowers across the mesa chains. Moving between them are the convicts, disgraced and sentenced officers of the Adeptus, trekking across the sand barefoot and in coarse prisoners' clothes. They each pull behind them a metal frame that supports a banner-pole, from which hang parchment lists of the convicts' crimes, the dates and particulars of their convictions, the seal of the judge who passed sentence, and the stamps of the chasteners who mete out penal labours or floggings as their particular punishment demands.
The crimes that brought this sentence were light ones, all things considered. Low-level incompetence in their duties, perhaps, or a speech that a judge had ruled might lead to sedition. It could be impiety, laziness, freethinking, or any of the myriad ways of putting the Emperor behind their personal welfare that the penal codes sum up as "thoughts of self."
Whatever the crime, their convictions were judged not to outweigh their ranks, or whatever commendations, ordinations or charters of merit their service might have earned. If there was any question of those weights being equal, the dusty, gasping figure in front of its carriage would be marching into the maw of battle in a Penal Legion uniform, or lying in a red pool in front of an Arbites firing squad. No, the men in the desert were petty criminals.
Theatre
"A sailor's wife had chestnuts in her lap,
And munch'd, and munch'd, and munch'd:—
'Give me,' quoth I:
'Aroint thee, witch!' the rump-fed ronyon cries.
Her husband's to Aleppo gone, master o' the Tiger:
But in a sieve I'll thither sail,
And, like a rat without a tail,
I'll do, I'll do, and I'll do. ...
I' the shipman's card.
I will drain him dry as hay:
Sleep shall neither night nor day
Hang upon his pent-house lid;
He shall live a man forbid:
Weary se'nnights nine times nine
Shall he dwindle, peak and pine:
Though his bark cannot be lost,
Yet it shall be tempest-tost."
And munch'd, and munch'd, and munch'd:—
'Give me,' quoth I:
'Aroint thee, witch!' the rump-fed ronyon cries.
Her husband's to Aleppo gone, master o' the Tiger:
But in a sieve I'll thither sail,
And, like a rat without a tail,
I'll do, I'll do, and I'll do. ...
I' the shipman's card.
I will drain him dry as hay:
Sleep shall neither night nor day
Hang upon his pent-house lid;
He shall live a man forbid:
Weary se'nnights nine times nine
Shall he dwindle, peak and pine:
Though his bark cannot be lost,
Yet it shall be tempest-tost."
— First Witch, Macbeth, Act I, Scene III
So to restore my repute
As a fierce, fearsome brute
There's only one route I see!
Arrange the slaughter of millions
Of innocent civilians
Then they'll remember me!
As a fierce, fearsome brute
There's only one route I see!
Arrange the slaughter of millions
Of innocent civilians
Then they'll remember me!
— Prince Achmed, Twisted: The Untold Story of a Royal Vizier
You know how people have these little habits that get you down? Like... Bernie. Bernie like to chew gum.
No, not chew. POP.
So I came home this one day and I'm really irritated, and I'm looking for a bit of sympathy, and there's Bernie layin' on the couch, drinkin' a beer and chewin'.
No, not chewin'. Poppin'.
So, I said to him, I said, "you pop that gum one more time..."
And he did.
So I took the shotgun off the wall and I fired two warning shots...
...into his HEAD.
No, not chew. POP.
So I came home this one day and I'm really irritated, and I'm looking for a bit of sympathy, and there's Bernie layin' on the couch, drinkin' a beer and chewin'.
No, not chewin'. Poppin'.
So, I said to him, I said, "you pop that gum one more time..."
And he did.
So I took the shotgun off the wall and I fired two warning shots...
...into his HEAD.
Video Games
"Hey, kids! Did you know that littering in Opportunity is punishable by death? And in case you didn't know, complaining about Opportunity's laws is considered 'verbal littering'!"
— Handsome Jack, Borderlands 2
"You DARE bring light into MY LAIR?! YOU MUST DIE!!!"
— Ganon, The Legend of Zelda CD-i Games
"The slightest scratch must be answered with an ocean of blood..."
— Camilla, Fire Emblem Warriors
"Not long ago a man in my same class died of mysterious causes. He supposedly witnessed Blutwurst's unmasked face and was laughing about his Felineko heritage behind his back..."
— Berman Army soldier, Fuga: Melodies of Steel
"That was the last time you interrupted me while talking to someone." [shoves handle of wooden spoon through drunkard's eye]note
Brotherhood bar patron: note Hey, Barry, turn this shit off!
Player Character: I was watching that!
Brotherhood bar patron: I guess you're not anymore, are ya, bitch!
Player Character: [grabs a bottle and hits him with it, breaking it] Could you turn the TV back on?
Player Character: I was watching that!
Brotherhood bar patron: I guess you're not anymore, are ya, bitch!
Player Character: [grabs a bottle and hits him with it, breaking it] Could you turn the TV back on?
"This is Onishima! I'm sending in the tanks! I don't care what happens, just get those punks!"
— Captain Onishima in response to juveniles making graffiti and evading arrest, Jet Set Radio
"You knifed nearly thirty guys over a spilled drink?! You're a threat to society!"
— Luso Clemens, Final Fantasy Tactics A2
Hawke: Knight-Commander Meredith does tend to add one and one and get eleven, doesn't she.
Orsino: Sometimes a hundred and eleven.
Orsino: Sometimes a hundred and eleven.
"Are you gonna sign this or will it be your surviving family members?"
"Sign this petition or I’ll follow you home and kill your dog!"
— The Postal Dude asking someone a third time to sign his petition, Postal 2
"It is extremely important to know how to correctly spell his name, as some members of the Tojo Clan were reportedly beaten within an inch of their lives after misspelling his name in a Christmas card."
— Yakuza: Like a Dragon's Underworld Studies Vocational Exam on Goro Majima
Visual Novels
"'Forsooth Elisha went up from thence into Bethel; and when he went up by the way, little children went out of the city, and scorned him, and said, Go up, thou bald one! go up, thou bald one! And when he had beheld, he saw them, and cursed them in the name of the Lord. And two bears went out of the forest, and rent two and forty children of them. Soothly Elisha went from thence into the hill of Carmel, and from thence he turned again to Samaria.'
Forty-two children, torn apart by angry bears at the behest of Elisha! That's rather extreme, isn't it? It's funny; when I was locked in this cell the first time around, I never thought much of this part of the story. But it really is awful to think about, isn't it? Could you imagine being ripped to shreds by a wild beast just for calling a man bald?"
Forty-two children, torn apart by angry bears at the behest of Elisha! That's rather extreme, isn't it? It's funny; when I was locked in this cell the first time around, I never thought much of this part of the story. But it really is awful to think about, isn't it? Could you imagine being ripped to shreds by a wild beast just for calling a man bald?"
—Hedwig discusses the biblical tale of Elisha, Misericorde
Web Original
"I guess it's time to nuke Washington DC and NYC..."
What the fuck did you just fucking say about me, you little bitch? I’ll have you know I graduated top of my class in the Navy Seals, and I’ve been involved in numerous secret raids on Al-Quaeda, and I have over 300 confirmed kills. I am trained in gorilla warfare and I’m the top sniper in the entire US armed forces. You are nothing to me but just another target. I will wipe you out with precision the likes of which has never been seen before on this Earth, mark my words. You think you can get away with saying shit to me over the Internet? Think again, fucker. As we speak I am contacting my network of spies across the USA and your IP is being traced right now so you better prepare for the storm, maggot. The storm that wipes out the pathetic little thing you call your life. You’re fucking dead, kid. I can be anywhere, anytime, and I can kill you in over seven hundred ways, and that’s just with my bare hands. Not only am I extensively trained in unarmed combat, but I have access to the entire arsenal of the United States Marine Corps and I will use it to its full extent to wipe your miserable ass off the face of the continent, you little shit. If only you could have known what unholy retribution your little “clever” comment was about to bring down upon you, maybe you would have held your fucking tongue. But you couldn't, you didn’t, and now you’re paying the price, you goddamn idiot. I will shit fury all over you and you will drown in it. You’re fucking dead, kiddo.
— Internet copypasta
I don’t give a fuck who you are or where you live. You can count on me to be there to bring your fucking life to a hellish end. I’ll put you in so much fucking pain that it’ll make Jesus being nailed to a cross in the desert look like a fucking back massage on a tropical island. I don’t give a fuck how many reps you have or how tough you are IRL, how well you can fight, or how many fucking guns you own to protect yourself. I’ll fucking show up at your house when you aren’t home. I’ll turn all the lights on in your house, leave all the water running, open your fridge door and not close it, and turn your gas stove burners on and let them waste gas. You’re going to start stressing the fuck out, your blood pressure will triple, and you’ll have a fucking heart attack. You’ll go to the hospital for a heart operation, and the last thing you’ll see when you’re being put under in the operating room is me hovering above you, dressed like a doctor. When you wake up after being operated on, wondering what ticking time bomb is in your chest waiting to go off. You’ll recover fully from your heart surgery. And when you walk out the front door of the hospital to go home I’ll run you over with my fucking car out of no where and kill you. I just want you to know how easily I could fucking destroy your pathetic excuse of a life, but how I’d rather go to a great fuckng length to make sure your last remaining days are spent in a living, breathing fucking hell. It’s too late to save yourself, but don’t bother committing suicide either… I’ll fucking resuscitate you and kill you again myself you bitch-faced phaggot. Welcome to hell, population: you.
— Another internet copypasta
Web Video
"I sure hope all you kids have been good this year, because Santa's just got his new magnum, and he's not givin' out coal this year."
— Mr. Gibbs, "Santa Claus Hide and Seek"
[Rubber Soul Kakyoin is ordering some coconut juice.]
Kakyoin: Coconut juice plea-
[Hoshi sneaks behind him and steals his wallet.]
Hoshi: Woohoo!
[Kakyoin looks upset.]
Hoshi: Hahaha! Got ur wallet! Weehooo~
Jotaro: Hey, wait up, man.
[Jotaro steals the wallet back and hands it back to Kakyoin]
Jotaro: Hey, Kakyoin. I got your wallet back!
Kakyoin: Thank you, but my fury won't be quelled by just tha... GUHUU!
[Kakyoin gives Hoshi a coconut backbreaker, which causes Hoshi to vomit up blood.]
Hoshi: Guhgeh, it's the coconut backbreaker!
Jotaro: Cut it out, Kakyoin. He's vomiting up blood.
[Kakyoin continues the backbreaker.]
Hoshi: Uwahhhh!
Jotaro: I told you to cut it out.
Kakyoin: Coconut juice plea-
[Hoshi sneaks behind him and steals his wallet.]
Hoshi: Woohoo!
[Kakyoin looks upset.]
Hoshi: Hahaha! Got ur wallet! Weehooo~
Jotaro: Hey, wait up, man.
[Jotaro steals the wallet back and hands it back to Kakyoin]
Jotaro: Hey, Kakyoin. I got your wallet back!
Kakyoin: Thank you, but my fury won't be quelled by just tha... GUHUU!
[Kakyoin gives Hoshi a coconut backbreaker, which causes Hoshi to vomit up blood.]
Hoshi: Guhgeh, it's the coconut backbreaker!
Jotaro: Cut it out, Kakyoin. He's vomiting up blood.
[Kakyoin continues the backbreaker.]
Hoshi: Uwahhhh!
Jotaro: I told you to cut it out.
"Pray that there's a Taco Bell in Hell!" [BANG]
— Souichiro Yagami when family fights go wrong, Death Note: The Abridged Series (Team Dattebayo)
Maria: Hey Shadow. [traps Shadow in a capsule] Bye Shadow. I'm gonna kill you now.
Shadow: No! I-I promise I didn't fart! You don't need to contain it!
Maria: It smells so bad.
Shadow: That's just you!
Maria: It smells like garbage...covered in fire.
Shadow: But Maria, you smelt it! Therefore, you are the one who dealt it! You absolute thot!
Shadow: No! I-I promise I didn't fart! You don't need to contain it!
Maria: It smells so bad.
Shadow: That's just you!
Maria: It smells like garbage...covered in fire.
Shadow: But Maria, you smelt it! Therefore, you are the one who dealt it! You absolute thot!
"You see, I had to trap Sonic in the hell-dimension 'cause he disrespected gamers."
— Mephiles (known as Memphis Tennessee in the dub), Real-Time Fandub of Sonic the Hedgehog (2006)
Janeway: You have to be extra strict to enforce discipline on a starship.
Paris: Strict?! You didn't even confine Suder to solitary confinement!
Janeway: Well, of course. All he did was murder a man for no reason. But you, you defied me. You're lucky I don't have you flayed!
Paris: Strict?! You didn't even confine Suder to solitary confinement!
Janeway: Well, of course. All he did was murder a man for no reason. But you, you defied me. You're lucky I don't have you flayed!
— SF Debris, "Thirty Days"
Engineer: That's right! It was me!
Spy: You Monster!!
Heavy: But whyyyyyy?!
Engineer: 'Coz you're FAT, boi! And another thing, you're ugly.
Spy: You Monster!!
Heavy: But whyyyyyy?!
Engineer: 'Coz you're FAT, boi! And another thing, you're ugly.
Tommy: Why did you kill me?! Why- You could've just told me [the necromancy book] was real! Why did you kill me?!
Dream: You didn't believe me! I was proving a point!
[Beat]
Tommy [high-pitched, horrified] You killed me just to prove a point?! Dre- Dream! You put me through that-
Dream: You didn't believe me!
Tommy: [voice cracking] YOU PUT ME THROUGH MONTHS, MONTHS, OF AGONY, AND STRESS AND PURE TRAUMA, JUST TO PROVE A POINT?! [...] You could've just showed me! You could've just– This is so evil. This is– This is– This isn't like before! This isn't "You've blown up our town", you've put me through torture! Through pain! To PROVE A POINT, DREAM! THAT'S– THAT'S FUCKED! You CAN'T do that to me! To ANY– You–
Dream: Why? Why can't I, Tommy? You didn't believe me! You were calling me a liar! How else was I supposed to prove it?
Tommy: You killed me–
Dream: It's not that big of a deal, it's not–
Tommy: YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT I'VE– Dream, you will NEVER understand it, your simple fucking stupid green brain, you will NEVER understand what I've just been through, Dream! You killed me now just to prove a point, you sent me back to Wilbur, to Schlatt, all the people you know– you know are my enemies! And you put me in there for months! You send me through the torture– I was ripped apart, Dream! Can you– Can you even imagine what that's like?! No, you can't, 'cause you're fuckin' soft, Dream, you're soft, alright?! You put on all of this, but you're nothing, Dream, you don't know what it's like, alright? You're– You're not just evil now, you are fucking demented, fuck you, FUCK YOU, man!
Dream: You didn't believe me! I was proving a point!
[Beat]
Tommy [high-pitched, horrified] You killed me just to prove a point?! Dre- Dream! You put me through that-
Dream: You didn't believe me!
Tommy: [voice cracking] YOU PUT ME THROUGH MONTHS, MONTHS, OF AGONY, AND STRESS AND PURE TRAUMA, JUST TO PROVE A POINT?! [...] You could've just showed me! You could've just– This is so evil. This is– This is– This isn't like before! This isn't "You've blown up our town", you've put me through torture! Through pain! To PROVE A POINT, DREAM! THAT'S– THAT'S FUCKED! You CAN'T do that to me! To ANY– You–
Dream: Why? Why can't I, Tommy? You didn't believe me! You were calling me a liar! How else was I supposed to prove it?
Tommy: You killed me–
Dream: It's not that big of a deal, it's not–
Tommy: YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT I'VE– Dream, you will NEVER understand it, your simple fucking stupid green brain, you will NEVER understand what I've just been through, Dream! You killed me now just to prove a point, you sent me back to Wilbur, to Schlatt, all the people you know– you know are my enemies! And you put me in there for months! You send me through the torture– I was ripped apart, Dream! Can you– Can you even imagine what that's like?! No, you can't, 'cause you're fuckin' soft, Dream, you're soft, alright?! You put on all of this, but you're nothing, Dream, you don't know what it's like, alright? You're– You're not just evil now, you are fucking demented, fuck you, FUCK YOU, man!
And every time he settles down, every time he makes any planet his home, the fleet emerges. We burn down his home and his family over, and over, and over again for the rest of his life. Anywhere he ever tries to settle, we burn it to the ground. That's gonna be his punishment for... I can't remember what he did wrong, I think he just annoys me slightly.
— Many A True Nerd, Let's play Knights of the Old Republic
''Hey, Kaiba. You took my Grandfather's card, so I took your bodyguard's kidneys. I believe that's a fair trade."
—Yami Yugi, Yu-Gi-Oh! The Abridged Series, "Season Zero Abridged #2"
Webcomics
"You mess with my coffee, I mess with your internal organs..."
— Brad, The Class Menagerie
"If it's in self-defense, is it okay to shave someone's head, strip them naked, crush their pride, make them lose all of their friends, and destroy the school they go to?"
— Mob, Mob Psycho 100
"Grrrr... You think you can preach at me? If the population is not reduced, it will instigate total global disaster!!! So I must succeed in my plans! I am not irrelevant, and I will not be dissuaded... Any who try to stop me will pay the most terrible price - the loss of everything they cherish!!!!"
— Malthus in the throes of a Villainous Breakdown as his latest attempt on the life of his arch-enemy's sister is being thwarted during the "Library work
" roleplay of White Dark Life
" roleplay of White Dark Life"But who cares about equal, anyway? If I hurt you worse than you hurt me, good. That means I win."
— Hilgya Firehelm, The Order of the Stick, #1150
"The Linear Guild is practically synonymous with taking disproportionate revenge over quasi-imagined slights."
— Nale, The Order of the Stick
Riku: Hey Axel, we've got a—
Axel: Riku, if you say "problem" and end my date, I will murder you in your sleep. I will slaughter your family to make sure your genes are never passed on. Once you're dead, I'll poison your corpse and force feed the poisoned meat to orphans. And just for the hell of it, I'm gonna kill your best friend.
Riku: Hey Sora, you might want to watch out for—
Sora: The hell I'm your friend! I ain't dying with you, bitch!
Axel: Riku, if you say "problem" and end my date, I will murder you in your sleep. I will slaughter your family to make sure your genes are never passed on. Once you're dead, I'll poison your corpse and force feed the poisoned meat to orphans. And just for the hell of it, I'm gonna kill your best friend.
Riku: Hey Sora, you might want to watch out for—
Sora: The hell I'm your friend! I ain't dying with you, bitch!
Namine: So what do you promise not to do?
Axel/Zexion: We promise not to hijack and/or crash the plane.
Aerith: ...I promise not to attack the pilot if the movie is The Devil Wears Prada.
Axel: I don't know why you regret that. That was the best honeymoon ever.
Axel/Zexion: We promise not to hijack and/or crash the plane.
Aerith: ...I promise not to attack the pilot if the movie is The Devil Wears Prada.
Axel: I don't know why you regret that. That was the best honeymoon ever.
At that point he would weight all the facts and details carefully, and come up with an appropriately disproportionate response.
— Erfworld
"Every living creature that directly shares your bloodline is dead. Every living creature that is directly related to any of those creatures is also dead. Anyone who could possibly make a claim to be part of your family is gone now... This — and no less — is the price of threatening my family. Disintegrate."
Every living creature that is directly related to any of those creatures is also dead. Anyone who could possibly make a claim to be part of your family is gone now... This — and no less — is the price of threatening my family. Disintegrate."— Vaarsuvius, The Order of the Stick
"About a hundred years ago, we Racconans first encountered the Kvrk-chk. At first they regarded us the way they regard all other species: as nothing more than talking food animals. We warned them by subspace broadcast that there would be dire consequences if they attempted to act on this racist belief. They didn't listen.
"Shortly thereafter they seized a Racconan colony ship, killed and ate the passengers and crew, and broadcast footage of the... meal... promising the same fate for all our "arrogant animal race".
"The next day, we incinerated one of their most heavily populated solar systems with a stellar lance. They listen to us now."
"Shortly thereafter they seized a Racconan colony ship, killed and ate the passengers and crew, and broadcast footage of the... meal... promising the same fate for all our "arrogant animal race".
"The next day, we incinerated one of their most heavily populated solar systems with a stellar lance. They listen to us now."
—Commander Quinn, Quentyn Quinn, Space Ranger
"Revenge is a dish best served with an extra helping."
Car Salesman: Well Captain Rich, we don't have any model 5 for Tesla but we do have a new model 3.
Captain Rich: How dare you insult my ears with that common filth. Hampton, kill him.
Captain Rich: How dare you insult my ears with that common filth. Hampton, kill him.
Western Animation
"Electric chair!"
"WAGH!!! Oh, you think it's funny to scramble our DNA? This will be nothing compared to what YOU will suffer when we catch you! Your atoms will go nuclear, your souls WILL IMPLODE!"
— Parka Denizen 3, Infinity Train, "The Iceberg Car"
Mr. Mackey: Mrs. Cartman, we have had it with your son's behavior, m'kay? Little Billy Turner is now being treated at the hospital!
Liane Cartman: Eric, why would you do such a thing?
Eric Cartman: [insincere] I'm sorry I handcuffed Billy Turner's ankle to the school flagpole.
Mr. Mackey: You know that's not the point.
Eric Cartman: [rolls eyes] Okay, I'm sorry I handcuffed Billy Turner's ankle to a flagpole and then gave him a hacksaw, and then told him I had poisoned his lunch milk and that the only way he could get to the antidote in time would be to saw through his leg.
Liane Cartman: Eric, that was very naughty.
Eric Cartman: Well, he called me chubby!
Liane Cartman: Eric, why would you do such a thing?
Eric Cartman: [insincere] I'm sorry I handcuffed Billy Turner's ankle to the school flagpole.
Mr. Mackey: You know that's not the point.
Eric Cartman: [rolls eyes] Okay, I'm sorry I handcuffed Billy Turner's ankle to a flagpole and then gave him a hacksaw, and then told him I had poisoned his lunch milk and that the only way he could get to the antidote in time would be to saw through his leg.
Liane Cartman: Eric, that was very naughty.
Eric Cartman: Well, he called me chubby!
"You hear me, Kyle? Compare me to Family Guy again, and so help me, I will kill you where you stand."
— Eric Cartman, South Park
"You scratch my paint, I scratch yours."
— Knock Out to a street racer that he just ran off the road for scratching his paint job, Transformers: Prime
"Oh come on! You're going to kill me because I had fake sex on graph paper with a girl who barely spoke to you in real life??"
— Dr. Venture, The Venture Brothers
Taskmaster Myles Grint: Your identification, now.
Yoffar: I'm just trying to sell a couple jogans, here.
Commandant Cumberlayne Aresko: All trade must be registered with the Empire.
Yoffar: I remember what it was like before your ships showed up, before you Imperials ruined Lothal, like the rest of the galaxy.
Aresko: This is LRC-01. I'm bringing in a citizen under a charge of treason.
Yoffar: I'm just trying to sell a couple jogans, here.
Commandant Cumberlayne Aresko: All trade must be registered with the Empire.
Yoffar: I remember what it was like before your ships showed up, before you Imperials ruined Lothal, like the rest of the galaxy.
Aresko: This is LRC-01. I'm bringing in a citizen under a charge of treason.
"There he goes, overreacting again!"
— Gosalyn Mallard, Darkwing Duck, "Time and Punishment" (reacting to Darkwarrior Duck launching a missile at her and Launchpad for defacing a statue of him)
"You know, Mayor, of all the scum I've taken down, it was your wife who disappointed me the most. Eleven items at a ten-item checkout. She had it coming."
— The Joker (as a crime fighter), The Batman
"I tickle you, you hit me in the face with a frying pan?!"
— Peter Griffin, Family Guy
"Hey, guys. So I'm in my own trunk. Uh… I think I'm gonna get murdered."
— Peter Griffin, Family Guy, after a man gets him kicked out of a convention then kidnaps him for insulting his ponytail
"They built a mini-mall, so we built a bigger mini-mall. They made the world's largest pizza, so we burned down their City Hall."
— Lisa Simpson, The Simpsons, "Homer Loves Flanders", on the Springfield–Shelbyville rivalry
"But if this cape shrinks, consider your species EXTINCT!"
— Lrrr, Futurama, "Anthology of Interest 2"
Homer: But if I die during the operation, will you do one thing for me?
Marge: Oh, anything, sweetheart!
Homer: Blow up the hospital.
Marge: Hurmmm. Well, I said I’d do it, so I guess I’ll have to.
Marge: Oh, anything, sweetheart!
Homer: Blow up the hospital.
Marge: Hurmmm. Well, I said I’d do it, so I guess I’ll have to.
— The Simpsons, "Homer Simpson In: Kidney Trouble"
"This is not a proportional punishmeeeeent!"
— Dolph while the newly-superpowered Milhouse drops him into a volcano after Dolph gave him a wedgie, The Simpsons, "Treehouse Of Horror XXVI", "Telepaths of Glory"
"What?! You made me leave work and chase you through the neighborhood on a dog for $25 [to pay a DVD fine]?"
— Nicole Watterson, The Amazing World of Gumball
Klaus: You're going to kill five people over $20?!
Roger: Are you really asking that to the guy who just last week killed six people over nineteen dollars?
Klaus: Oh yeah...
Roger: Are you really asking that to the guy who just last week killed six people over nineteen dollars?
Klaus: Oh yeah...
"Oh, tryin' to be friends, but people are jerks,
So I'm gonna put some fleas on you
And the fleas'll have the plague, and they'll make you cough a lot,
And then you'll be too sick to hurt my feelings anymore"
So I'm gonna put some fleas on you
And the fleas'll have the plague, and they'll make you cough a lot,
And then you'll be too sick to hurt my feelings anymore"
— Plague rat, The Marvelous Misadventures of Flapjack
"Nigga, did I just catch you having fun!?" [slaps his young son]
— Mister Ruckus, The Boondocks
"Now remember, this is not your fault. This man took your weekend from you. Two days you'll never get back! You gotta kill him."
— Nicole, The Boondocks
"I heard he killed a kid just for looking at his stoop!"
— Rhonda, Hey Arnold!, "Stoop Kid"
Bart Simpson: Who names these things [the constellations], anyway?
Principal Skinner: Whoever discovers them. I've been hoping I could find something that would be named after me.
Bart: And you've never found anything?
Skinner: Once, but by the time I got to the phone, my discovery had already been reported by Principal Kahoutek... (a cloud covers the moon; scary music plays as he starts speaking ominously) I got back at him, though... him and that little boy of his... (the music ends and he starts speaking normally) Anyway, that's why I always keep a cellular phone next to me.
— The Simpsons, "Bart's Comet"
"You broke my fiddle; now I'm gonna break your neck!"
— Nero to Daffy Duck and Speedy Gonzales, Looney Tunes, "See Ya Later Gladiator"
Flying Dutchman: That little display of parsimonious penny pinching just earned you a nice little spot in Davy Jones' Locker FOR ETERNITY!
Mr. Krabs: I'm not cheap, I'm generous!
Squidward: You almost tore a man's arm off for a penny.
Real Life
"Men should either be treated generously or destroyed, because they take revenge for slight injures — for heavy ones they cannot."
Negro Is First To Die For Night Burglary
— The Tuscaloosa News article reporting on the case of Frank Bass, executed on August 8th, 1941 for burglary
