Quotes: Arson, Murder, and Jaywalking

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    Anime and Manga 

We the people, who are dedicated to protecting and serving the common good, do charge you with trespassing, theft, violence, assault, illegal possession of firearms, and a really crappy attitude!
Prosecutor, Dead Leaves

    Fanfiction 
I love how every other sentence is about how Ron fails at something. He's a drunk! He hits his wife and kids! He's a rapist! He sleeps with whores! He's cheap! He kills birds! HE DOESN'T APPRECIATE CLASSICAL MUSIC!
[...]
I'm kind of disappointed that Ron didn't call Hermione a mudblood, turn out to be a Death Eater, molest children, engage in sexual acts with a pony, kill an endangered species, discourage his children from learning, litter, smoke, eat opium, take too many diet pills in order to cram for a big test, cheat at cards, cheat on his taxes, plagiarize, dip snuff, cross-dress, turn out to be gay, blackmail his gay lover, lead a religious cult, spread vicious rumors, sleep with Ginny, gamble, fail to recycle, have a porn addiction, join a Satanic church, and claim to "not get" Impressionism.
carey_pontmercy, on The Last War

"You did save my life once or twice. Even if you did sacrifice Elena in a ritual of fire and then kidnapped me, make me drink blood, torture people and take really long boring road trips to the middle of nowhere."
Stefan to Klaus, Ship of Fools

"For such insolence, I ougt to STRING YOU UP in the deepest, darkest part of THE NETHERREALM, where your body will turn itself INSIDE-OUT in UTTER TERROR, but you’ll still be ALIVE to hear the haunting music of THE DEVIL’S ORCHESTRA OF THE DAMNED! And you know the thing about the damned? They only know one song, AND THEY’RE REALLY BAD AT IT!"

    Film — Animated 

His destructive programming is taking effect. He will be irresistibly drawn to large cities, where he will back up sewers, reverse street signs, and steal everyone's left shoe.
Jumba, Lilo & Stitch

Vince: We've done a lot of things we're not proud of ... Robbing graves, plundering tombs, double-parking ... But nobody ever got hurt. Well, maybe somebody got hurt ... but nobody we knew.

    Film — Live-Action 

Nick: I'm such a sucker. Harken was never gonna promote me!
Kurt: That coked-up prick is gonna ruin Pellett Chemicals. He's just gonna fire everyone!
Dale: She stood there with her breasts right in my face!
Kurt: ...You know, yours doesn't sound that bad.

We loved our daughter but she was evil. Made the horses crazy. Killed our puppies. Hid the remote. Really sick shit.
The Architect, Scary Movie 3

I couldn't see how anyone could claim to love children in the generic any more than anyone could credibly claim to love people in a sufficiently sweeping sense as to embrace Pol Pot, Don Rickles, and an upstairs neighbor who does 2,000 jumping jacks at three in the morning.

    Literature 

But let none of you suffer as a murderer, a thief, an evildoer, or as a busybody in other people's matters.
The Bible, 1 Peter 4:15 (New King James Version)

Holy water, a couple cloves of garlic, vials of salt, and iron filings filled the basket, intended to be door prizes for anything that showed up in an attempt to suck my blood, carry me off to faerieland, or sell me stale cookies.
Harry Dresden, inner monologuing in Death Masks

El Salvador at the time Doakes was there had been a true three-ring circus of torture, rape, murder, and name-calling. (And no one had thought to invite me.)
Dexter, Dearly Devoted Dexter

You're under arrest for murder, attempted murder, conspiracy to commit murder and, I dunno, possibly littering.

    Live-action TV 

Here are the rules of Judaism as I understand them. One, thou shalt not kill. Two, thou shalt not commit adultery. Three, don't eat pork.

If you take sexual advantage of her, you're going to burn in a very special level of hell. A level they reserve for child molesters and people who talk at the theater.
Book, Firefly

Newsman: Five o'clock, and all is well. Five o'clock, and all is well. Except that Maid Marion has been kidnapped, the sheriff's up to no good, that dog is stealing the cheese, Kermit's mad at Piggy, and it's really only 4:30.

Southern Nigeria isn't my favorite place in the world. It's unstable, it's corrupt, and the people there eat a lot of terrible-smelling preserved fish.
Michael Westen, Burn Notice

Tracey Jordan: If Wall St. crashes, it'll be the 1970s all over again. People will get mean, the streets won't be safe, it'll be graffiti everywhere, and the movies will only cost three dollars!
Larry King: Tracey Jordan - saying three serious things, and then a joke.

My theories appall you, my heresies outrage you, I never answer letters, and you don't like my tie!
The Doctor, Doctor Who, "Ghost Light"

Danny Concannon: CJ, I'm not staying in the penalty box forever. I have covered the White House for eight years and I've done it with the New York Times, the Washington Post, Time Magazine, and the Dallas Morning News! And I'm telling you you can't mess me around like this!
C.J. Cregg: Danny, I gotta tell you, that was - seriously - that was a turn-on when you said that, though I don't know why you decided to be your most haughty on the Dallas Morning News in that sentence.

    Newspaper Comics 

Andy: Jason, I told you two weeks ago that I didn't want Mortal Karnage II coming into this house. You have no one to blame but yourself.
Jason: But...but...
Andy: You're too young for this sort of thing. I mean, look at what it teaches: that human disembowelment is entertainment, that "winners" decapitate their enemies, that carnage is spelled with a "K".
Jason: I know carnage isn't spelled with a "K".
Andy: The sad part is, that's the least of my concerns.

    Professional Wrestling 

Vickie Guerrero: Well, who's on your list?
Christian: Well, for starters, Bret "The Hitman" Hart... The Mountie, he's huge in these parts... The Brooklyn Brawler... Jared, the Subway guy...
Vickie: Oh, please...
Christian: And Lester, the guy who loves chicken!
Vickie: ... Who's Lester?
Christian: Actually, I don't even know who Lester is, but he loves chicken!

    Video Games 

Hacking through Horne's computer would have unearthed criminal plans, strategies for world domination, spy helicopter reports, illegal wire tap recordings, internet porno, all of the above. Take your pick.

You want my opinion, sir? This mission is FUBAR. We are up Shit Creek without a paddle. I miss my mommy.
Barney, Heart of Evil

The Yatagarasu sent a card saying, "I will be there to steal your dirtiest secret"... but all we've had is an arson and a murder! The lab boys are going in circles! You know what this is, sirs!? It's a breach of contract, and it's going on the rap sheet!
Dick Gumshoe, Ace Attorney Investigations

    Web Animation 

I'm Dr. Robotnik, I say what I want! I say pingas! I say pussy! I say butt! I say crud and sludge!

I'm gonna kill him, I'm gonna rape him, I'm gonna eat his fucking costume!

    Webcomics 

Look at that thing. It probably ate a puppy for breakfast right before it burned down an orphanage and talked loudly on a cell phone at a restaurant.
Dan Shive, El Goonish Shive, the rant on this page.

I bet they grow their hair into little horns, and they offer live sacrifices to appease their Naked Master. And they don't let you have a television in your room.
Robin, theorizing on the exact nature of Mike's parents in Shortpacked!

(Breaking Speech): I hate your kind of slave! A little stupid college girl who's trying to find her sexuality... An asshole cunt that thinks being a slave is just a little role-playing!!! The kind of bitch that thinks she can manipulate a man by giving him the kind of sex he likes. But above all, ... I HATE BLONDES!!!
Miss Orchid to Vanessa the blonde Sexy Secretary, Orchid Garden part II

You have chosen to report a crime in progress. For theft, burglary, vandalism, or loitering press 'one.' For assault, reckless endangerment, rioting, or telemarketing press 'two.' For attempted murder, murder, attempted suicide, suicide, attempted spam, or actual spam, press three.

    Web Original 

Whoa! Holy shit! We love the way the writer crammed in every scary word they could think of: rape, war, cancer, emphysema, respiratory distress, anemia, constipation, irritability, blindness, Canada.

In my time online I've been called "fag" approximately 104,165 times. I keep an Excel spreadsheet. I've also been called "asshole" and "cockweasel" and "fuckcamel" and "cuntwaffle" and "shitglutton" and "porksword" and "wangbasket" and "shitwhistle" and "thundercunt" and "fartminge" and "shitflannel" and "knobgoblin" and "boring."

Alex Jones-style, McKinney believes more or less every conspiracy theory she has encountered. A selection of claims McKinney has endorsed is that the US military shot and killed 5000 prisoners during Katrina and dumped their bodies, a multitude of 9/11 conspiracy theories (unsurprisingly), and that Jeb Bush was running a drug ring out of Columbia while he was governor of Florida. Conspiracy theories concerning famous assassinations endorsed by McKinney include believing that James Earl Ray did not kill Martin Luther King Jr., that Lee Harvey Oswald did not kill JFK, that Sirhan Sirhan did not kill Robert F. Kennedy, and — particularly vehemently — that Biggie did not kill Tupac.

The following weapons are not legal choices in a duel: Steamroller, Nerve Gas, Landmine, Midget.

In my younger days I was a cursing, drinking, smoking, gambling, child-molesting, thieving, murdering, bed-wetting bastard.

    Web Video 

You got all your normal kinds of monster madness going on here in the background. Killer Plants, Spiders, Minotaurs, Tem—whoa. Tempura Shrimp? Ohhhhh. This is going to be one of THOSE days, isn't it?

WARNING: NOT SAFE FOR WORK. [This work contains] Murder, gore, sex, sexism, nudity, attempted rape, Brooklyn accents
Chip Cheezum's warning for Mad Bull 34

    Western Animation 

Lincoln Sternn. You stand here accused of twelve counts of murder in the first degree, fourteen counts of armed theft of Federation Property, twenty two counts of piracy in high space, eighteen counts of fraud, thirty seven counts of rape...and one moving violation.
Prosecutor:, Heavy Metal

We've fought evil ninjas, evil robots, evil monsters... but cancelling my Saturday Morning Cartoons?! That's the evillest evil ever!
Michaelangelo, The Fight For The Fox Box

Impossible! You cannot defeat me! You are not worthy! You are inferior! And your joke stinks!

Killer Moth: If you don't want your city destroyed, you'll give in to my demands. The city will declare me ruler, the Titans will surrender, and Robin...will take this lovely young lady to her junior prom.

Bully: That’s 522 wallets, 391 purses, 912 gold coins, and a yo-yo!

I'm all alone! Adrift at sea! ...Without breakfast."
Owen, Total Drama

    Real Life 

If gays are granted rights, next we'll have to give rights to prostitutes and to people who sleep with St. Bernards and to nail biters.
Anita Bryant, scourge of Sodom

"Demarco Harris was found guilty of felony murder, armed robbery, and felony firearm and curfew violation."
Gabriel Falcon, "Fate of 12-year-old killer?" from AC360° on CNN.com

"...on Telephone Scatologia, Necrophilia, Zoophilia, Urophilia, Coprophilia, and Partialism... Partialism... characterized as sexually arousing fantasies, urges and sexual behaviors with an exclusive focus on part of the (human) body..."
The DSM Diagnostic Criteria for Paraphilia Not Otherwise Specified, MP Kafka

Grand Larceny: 4 points. We use this as a catchall for players being involved in crime so outrageous and well-planned it can only be described as 'nefarious', 'professional' or 'legislation'.
The scoring rules for the Fulmer Cup

That's how you recognize commuists: they're insane, possessed by the devil, eat children, and what's more, they lack objectiveness.
— French humorist Pierre Desproges on communists.

The evil is in the White House at the present time. And that evil is a man who has no care and no concern for the working class of America and the future generations of America, and who likes to ride a horse.
— US House Speaker Tip O'Neill, on President Ronald Reagan.

WARNING: This program contains monsters, nudity, gorillas, violence and wrestlers!
— The disclaimer on the back of the DVD box for Something Weird Video's Extra Weird Sampler.