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- A mother takes her little son to the doctor for his annual check-up. After some time, he leaves the doctor's office with a little packet in his hand. "Doctor said I should take this." the boy explains disinterestedly.
- "What is that?" the mother asks him.
- "Well, go back in and ask the doctor what exactly that is."
- So the boy goes back into the office, and comes back a short time later. "They're pills, and I should take them regularly."
- "How often?" the mother immediately asks. Her son shrugs. "Well, go back in and ask him!".
- The son does just that, and comes back a few seconds later. "Twice a day, he says."
- "And how?" the mother asks on.
- "I didn't ask that." the son admits.
- "Then go and do that!"
- Another few minutes later, the son comes back and says, "Rectally."
- "And what does that mean?" she asks him, exasperated. Again, he shrugs. "Go. Back. Inside. And. Ask!" the mother orders him.
- And so the son goes, and comes back almost immediately. "Mom, now I think I made him angry. He told me I should take them and shove them up my arse."
- A few weeks after the end of WW2, a Soviet soldier returns to his parents' farm somewhere in Siberia.
- "My, what a man you have become!" the mother comments in awe. "So strong and so independent. Say, is that a pistol?"
- "Yep yep." says the son. "Just look what this baby can do!". So he takes out the pistol and shoots at a few nearby haybales.
- The mother is beyond impressed. "Unbelievable. And what are those?" She points at his belt.
- "Those are hand grenades, mum." says the son, taking one and pulling out the pin. "Now watch the fireworks!" He throws the grenade at the farm's old outhouse, and it blows up in a spectacular fireball.
- "Wow!" shouts the mother. "You need to show your father this when he comes home!"
- A short time later, the soldier's elderly father comes home from the fields, and greets his son, "Well, look who's bothered to come back from the war."
- He sits down next to his son, and starts telling him a little story. "You know America, right? Well, over in America, they have a story about George Washington, their most famous president. They say, when he was small, he chopped down his father's favourite cherry tree. When his father saw this and angrily asked who chopped the tree down, George Washington told the truth immediately, because he was too honest to tell a lie. And his dad was so impressed with him, that he didn't even punish him for that!"
- "So what's your point, dad?"
- "Well, son..." the father inquires, "Can you please tell me where our outhouse has gone?"
- "Oooooh!" the son realises cheerfully. "Dad, I blew it up with a hand grenade!"
- The father immediately stands up and punches his son in the face.
- The son, holding his nose, is aghast. "But dad... why? What about the story of honest George Washington?"
- "Well, George Washington's father wasn't sitting in the fucking cherry tree!"
- There is a hunting accident, where one hunter took another for a moose. In the ensuing trial, the judge asks the hunter, "When did you notice that the defendant was, in fact, not a moose?". The hunter answers, "When the moose returned fire."
- One American, one Russian and one German naval officer try to decide who's submarines are the best. The American says, "Our submarines can stay underwater one whole year!". The Russian counters, "So what? Ours can stay underwater for five whole years!". Then the German says, "Ah, that's nothing. The other day, I was taking a stroll in Kiel harbour, and suddenly this submarine emerges from the water and the captain pokes his head out and shouts, 'Gott, Kaiser und Vaterland! Is ze war over already?!'"
- A popular variation: "Mein Führer! We need more diesel!"
- Did you hear about the Hipster who burnt his mouth?
- He drank his coffee before it was cool.
- Three men set out to find a mirror that turns men into what they say out loud. The first man finds the mirror. He shouts "Bird!" and flies away. The second man finds the mirror. He shouts "Dog!" and runs away. The last man finds the mirror, trips over a stone and shouts....
- "SHIT!" *splat*
- A farmer lives on the Austro-Swiss border. His farm, situated on Austrian soil, is famed for it's well-fattened cows (for even juicier beef). However, his grazing fields are across the border, and so he has to circumstancially relocate his fat cows twice a week with a wheelbarrow. One day, the Swiss customs officer, who had observed him wheeling his cows over the border for years, grows suspicious. He asks him,
- "I'm sorry sir, I just can't get rid of the feeling that you incidentally seem to smuggle something. I don't know what or why, I am just curious. So you can tell me. I promise I won't tell anybody."
- The farmer leans forward, whispers him into his ear:
- Why did captain Kirk pee on the ceiling?
- Because he wanted to go where no man has gone before.
- Similarly, what did Spock find in the toilet?
- The Captain's log.
- A conservative minister walks into a hotel and goes to the desk. He walks up to the receptionist and says "Excuse me, have you disabled adult movies?" The receptionist replies "No. We just have the regular kind."
- How do you know you're being prank-called by a Canadian?
- The first thing they say is, "I'm sorry, is this a bad time?"
- So the stud rooster at a poultry farm is getting old, so the farmer brings in a new one. Once he's arrived, the new rooster walks up to the old one and says' Listen here Gramps! This whole farm is mine now!" The old rooster says "C'mon buddy? At least let me stick around with the old hens? We'll stay in the back?" The new rooster is adamant "No way! All the hens are mine!". The old rooster sighs, and offers a proposition: that the two of them race around the farmhouse and if the old rooster wins he can stay on the farm, if he loses then he'll leave and let the new rooster take over. The only catch is that since the old rooster isn't in very good shape, he needs a head start. So the rooster's line up, the old one has his head start, and the new rooster takes off. As he comes round the front of the house, the old rooster is just in front of him. He is so close to beating him. He stretches out his neck and leaps forward, desperate to close the gap between them.
- That's when the farmer looks up form the front porch and sees the two roosters; he takes out his gun, shoots the new rooster in the head, and says "Damn! Third gay rooster this week!"
- Once upon a time, a group of people were brainstorming about what they should call their new country. One person said, "I think our new country should begin with a C, eh." Another person said, "I think our new country's name should contain an N, eh." Yet another person said, "Don't you think our country's name should end with a D, eh?"
- Thus, the country of Canada was born.
- Did you hear about the guy who was into BDSM, necrophilia, and bestiality? Yeah...he gave it up when he realized he was just beating a dead horse.
- One day a new chicken was introduced to the farm. The duck, who was the main bird in charge, shows the new chicken around. "This is were you go to get fed, this is the water trough and that is the coop. Chickens hang out near the fence, us ducks near the pond and the geese near the gate. We're pretty friendly but we keep to our own. Oh but whatever you do, DON'T cross that road. You'll never hear the end of it."
- What did Megatron say to The Fallen at the end of ROTF?
- How do you stop a rhino from charging?
- Reverse the Polarity of its terminals!
- Alternative: Take away its credit card.
- Alternative to the alternative: Unplug it.
- What did the 0 say to the 8?
- Nice Belt!
- What did the O say to the Q?
- Get that stick out of your fuckin' ass!
- Why do zombies dislike photographers?
- They hate headshots!
- Did you hear about the man who ran naked through the crowded church?
- They caught him by the organ!
- What's brown and sticky?
- A stick!
- Why don't sharks eat lawyers?
- Professional courtesy.
- How do you titillate an ocelot?
- You oscillate his tit-a-lot.
- What do you call the Mechanical Turk?
- An Ottomaton.
- Two drums and a cymbal fall off a cliff.... BA-DOOM CHING!
- What did the lampshade say to the hanger?
- If you get this, you probably read TV Tropes too much.
- Did you hear about the suicidal man who took an overdose of Viagra?
- He hung himself!
- What happens if you drop a piano down a mine shaft?
- A minor B flat.
- Alternative: A flat minor
- What happens if you drop a piano on an army base?
- A flat major.
- What should you yell when you drop a piano down a mine shaft?
- "C sharp, or B flat minor!"
- What's black and white and holds your boobs?
- A Z-bra
- What do you call a fish with no eyes?
- A fsh!
- What do you call a native American who just graduated med school?
- A doctor, you frakking racist!
- What goes "clip-clop clip-clop bang clip-clop clip-clop"?
- An Amish drive-by shooting.
- (couldn't resist) Either that, or Bronycon.
- An Amish drive-by shooting.
- Two rock climbers were out scaling a cliff in a heavy wind. Unfortunately, as their gear was not properly secured, they fell down and hit some sharp rocks. As their souls began to ascend to Fluffy Cloud Heaven, they saw a pair of eagles. Awed, the two souls said, "Ah, eagles!" ...To be polite, the eagles said nothing.
- Man: Doctor, you've got to help me! I think I'm a moth.
- Doctor: What you need is a psychiatrist. I'm a dentist; I can't help you.
- Man: Oh, I know. But your light was on.
- Woman: Doctor, you've got to help my husband. He thinks he's a chicken!
- Doctor: How long has this been going on?
- Woman: Six months.
- Doctor: Six months! Why did you wait so long?
- Woman: We needed the eggs.
- Four die-hard Major League Baseball fans climb a mountain. As they climb, they argue incessantly about which one of them is most dedicated to his respective team. When they get to the top, the Yankees fan yells, "This is for the New York Yankees!" and throws himself off the side of the mountain. Not to be outdone by a Yankees fan, the Red Sox fans screams, "This is for the Boston Red Sox!!" and throws himself off the mountain. Not about to be outdone by a Yankees fan and a Red Sox fan, the Cardinals fan shouts, "THIS IS FOR THE ST. LOUIS CARDINALS!!!" and shoves the Chicago Cubs fan off the mountain.
- What's Beethoven's favorite fruit?
- How do you keep a violin from being stolen?
- Put it in a viola case.
- A man is walking down the street carrying a desk on his back. In one hand is a computer, and in the other, a wastepaper basket. A policeman goes up and asks him, "What are you doing?" He replies, "Impersonating an office, sir."
- Two atoms are walking down the street.
One says "Wait, stop! I dropped an electron!"The other says "Are you sure?"The first one says "Yeah, I'm positive!"
- Two muffins are in an oven. One of them says "Boy, it sure is hot in here." The other one says "Holy shit, a talking muffin!"
- What's the best part about sleeping with twenty three year olds?
- A man walks into a psychiatrist office wearing nothing but cling wrap, and the doctor says "Well, I can clearly see your nuts."
- One fine summer's day, Sherlock Holmes and his companion, Dr. John Watson, decide to take some time off from life in the city and go for a camping trip in the countryside. After an invigorating hike, the two pitch their tent and get some shut-eye.
In the middle of the night, Holmes nudges Watson awake. "What is it?" asks the doctor. The Great Detective points upward. "Watson," he says, "look up there and tell me what you see." "Well," replied Watson, "I see a fantastic panorama of stars. "Yes," replied Holmes, "and what does that tell you?"
"Astronomically," Watson mused, "it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant." He smiles and finishes, "And meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow." He looks at Holmes, now puzzled. "Er... and why do you ask?"
Holmes was silent for a moment, then spoke. "Watson, you idiot. Someone has stolen our tent."
- How many babies does it take to paint a house?
- What's the difference between a watermelon and a baby?
- One's fun to break open with a mallet... and the other one's a fruit.
- Why are there no ants in church?
- Because they're Insects.
- Where do monkeys cook their Hamburgers?
- On The Grilla-s!
- How many people does it take to tile a bathroom?
- One, if you slice them thinly enough
- Did you hear about the midget psychic who escaped from jail?
- That's right. There's a small medium at large.
- Three guys are stranded on a desert island. They find a lamp lying around, and sure enough, when they rub it a genie comes out. It says, "I will grant each of you one wish." The first guy says, "I wish I was in Hollywood, with a bottle of wine in one hand and a beautiful woman in the other." The genie waves his hand, and he vanishes. The second guy says, "I wish I was in Cancun, with unlimited credit." Again, the genie waves his hand, and he vanishes, too. The third guy looks around and says, "I wish I had my friends back."
- Why did the chicken cross the Moebius strip?
- To get to the other ... oh ... wait ...
- or: To get to the same side! Bazinga!
- Does a cow have the Buddha-nature?
- Of course; it answers "Mu" to any question!
- What do you get when David Lynch directs a remake of The Godfather?
- Someone who makes you an offer you can't understand.
- An old man goes to the doctor for his checkup.
"I've got some bad news," says the doctor. "You've got Alzheimer's and you've got cancer."
"Well," says the old man, "at least I don't have Alzheimer's!"
- A ninety-year-old man went to the doctor and said, "Doctor, my eighteen-year-old wife is expecting a baby." The Doctor said, "Let me tell you a story. A man went hunting, but instead of a gun, he picked up an umbrella by mistake. When a bear suddenly charged at the man, he picked up the umbrella, shot the bear, and killed it." The man said, "Impossible. Someone else must have shot that bear". The doctor said "My point exactly".
- It was autumn, and the Indians on the reservation asked their new chief if it was going to be a cold winter. Raised in the ways of the modern world, the chief had never been taught the old secrets and has no way of knowing whether the winter would be cold or mild. To be on the safe side, he advised the tribe to collect wood and be prepared for a cold winter. A few days later, as a practical afterthought, he contacted the National Weather Service and asked whether they were forecasting a cold winter. The meteorologist replied that, indeed, he thought the winter would be quite cold. The chief advised the tribe to stock even more wood. A couple of weeks later, the chief checked in again with the weather service. "Does it still look like a cold winter?" asked the chief. "It sure does," replied the meteorologist. "It looks like a very cold winter." The chief advised the tribe to gather every scrap of wood they could find. A couple of weeks later, the chief called the Weather Service again and asked how the winter was looking at that point. The meteorologist said "We're now forecasting that it will be one of the coldest winters on record!" "Really!?" said the chief. "How can you be so sure?" The meteorologist replied "The Indians are collecting wood like crazy!"
- As you all know, children tend to associate colors with flavors, thanks to artificially flavored candy. A first grade teacher brought a bag of colorless honey-flavored candies to school, and no child could figure out what the flavor was. Teachers says, "I'll give you a hint, it's something your mommy may call your daddy sometimes." A little girl looks shocked and screams, "My God, they're assholes!"
- A man bumps into another man. The other man says "Hey! Watch where you're going!" The man says "Sorry, I've been seeing spots." The other man says, "Oh, have you seen a doctor?" So, the first man says, "Nope. Only spots."
- What do you call a bear with no teeth?
- A gummy bear.
- What do you call a cow with no legs?
- Ground beef.
- What can you make from a cow with mad cow disease?
- Beef stew.
- A baby seal walks into a club.
- What do you call a deer with no eyes?
- No eye deer.
- What do you call a deer with no eyes and no genitals?
- No fucking eye deer.
- What do you call a deer with no eyes, no genitals and no legs?
- Still no fucking eye deer.
- Did you hear that Richard Nixon went to see Deep Throat ten times?
- He wanted to get it down Pat.
- There are 10 kinds of people:
- Those who know binary,
- those who don't,
- and those who also know trinary.
- Why don't blind people skydive?
- Because it scares the hell out of the dog!
- How do you spot a blind man at a nudist colony?
- It ain't hard.
- A young student is failing math. All other options failing, his parents finally enroll him in a private Catholic school. The boy immediately starts studying furiously every night, and finally hands over his report card: straight A's. So his proud but confused parents ask him, "What did the nuns do to motivate you so much?" His reply: "When I saw that poor guy nailed to the plus sign in the lobby I knew they weren't fooling around!"
- How many people can read hex if only you and DEAD people can read hex? 57,006!
- A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: "Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: "OK, now what?"
- A pirate captain and his first mate are exchanging stories about their adventures at sea. The captain has a peg leg, a hook for a hand, and an eye patch over one eye. The first mate says, "Why do you have that peg leg?" He replies, "One day there was a storm, and I fell overboard, and me leg was bitten off by a shark." "Wow," says the first mate, "what about that hook?" "One time, we were attacked, and I lost me hand in the battle." So the first mate says, "What about the eye patch?" "I was looking up at the sky and a passing parrot left a dropping and it landed in me eye." "You lost your eye to a parrot dropping?" exclaims the first mate in disbelief. "Well, you see, it was me first day with the hook!"
- Two antennae got married. The wedding was forgettable, but the reception was excellent.
- How many bad amateur guitarists does it take to play the riff to Smoke On The Water?
- Apparently, all of them.
- What kind of artillery does a priest use?
- A Buddhist monk comes to the master and says, "Your stone bridge is widely renowned. But all I can find is a heap of rocks." The master says, "You see only the stones and not the bridge." The student asks, "What is the bridge?" The master says, "What do you think we are standing on?" So the student picks up one of the stones and throws it at the master. The master says, "I guess I deserved that."
- What do you call two Austrians (or any other nationality that is often made fun of) that are stuffed into a gunbarrel? A Dumb-Dumb bullet.
- A man was walking around the MIT campus one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He bent over, picked up the frog, and put it in his pocket.
The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will tell everyone how smart and brave you are and how you are my hero." The man took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it, and returned it to his pocket.
The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will be your loving companion for an entire week." The man took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it, and returned it to his pocket.
The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you for a year and do ANYTHING you want." Again the man took the frog out, smiled at it, and put it back into his pocket.
Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you for a year and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"
The man said, "Look, I'm an engineering student. I don't have time for a girlfriend right now, but a talking frog is cool!"
- Two engineers were traveling when one asked to the other, "Where did you get such a great bike?"
He replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want."
The other engineer nodded approvingly. "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit."
- A doctor, a lawyer and a Troper were discussing the relative merits of having a wife or a mistress.
The lawyer says: "For sure a mistress is better. If you have a wife and want a divorce, it causes all sorts of legal problems."
The doctor says: "It's better to have a wife because the sense of security lowers your stress and is good for your health."
The Troper says: "You're both wrong. It's best to have both so that when you're away, the wife will assume that you're with the mistress and the mistress will assume you're with your wife, giving you plenty of time to edit TV Tropes!"
- What do you call it when a male bovine has swallowed an explosive?
- What do you call it five minutes later when the bomb has exploded?
- What do you get when you cross a gay guy with a Jew?
- A hit Broadway musical!
- Two cows are in a field. One cow says to the other cow, "I was artificially inseminated today." The other cow says "Really?". So, the first cow says, "It's true. No bull."
- Two muffins are in an oven. One of them goes, "Boy, it's sure hot in here." The other goes "We are going to die and no-one will hear us scream."
- A pastor, a priest, and a lawyer all died and appear before the gates of heaven. The pastor and priest enter normally, but when the lawyer tries to enter he is showered with confetti and a multitude of angels trumpet his arrival. Confused, the pastor and priest ask a nearby angel why he was getting so much attention. The angel replied, "We have plenty of people like you up here, but he's the first lawyer we've ever seen."
- What's green, fuzzy, has four legs, and if it fell out of a tree, it would kill you?
- A pool table.
- A ship was sailing through the sea at night when the captain spotted a light on a collision course. He went to his signal light and sent: "Change your course, ten degrees west."
The distant light signaled back: "Change your course, ten degrees east."
The captain gets upset. He signals: "I'm a US Navy captain. Change your course, sir."
The distant light signals a response: "I'm a Seaman Second Class. Change your course, sir."
Now the captain is furious. He signals: "This is a battleship. I'm not changing course."
The distant light sends one last response: "This is a lighthouse. Your call."
- Due to a scheduling mix-up, Albert Einstein, Pablo Picasso and George W. Bush all get to the Pearly Gates around the same time. Picasso is the first one to arrive, and St. Peter considers him for a moment. "You know," he says, "We've had people coming up here ever since Picasso died claiming to be him. How can you prove you're the real Pablo Picasso?" Picasso asks for a canvas and paint, then whips up a brand-new masterpiece, as good as any of his other work. "Wonderful!" says St. Peter. "Sorry for the inconvenience, Pablo, welcome to Heaven."
Five minutes later Albert Einstein arrives. St. Peter again tells him that numerous others have claimed to be him. Albert asks for a chalkboard and chalk, then plots out an entirely new improved Theory of Relativity. "Amazing!" St. Peter says. "Sorry for the inconvenience, Albert, welcome to Heaven."
Five minutes later George W. Bush arrives. St. Peter looks at him and says, "You know, already today I've had to make Pablo Picasso and Albert Einstein prove their identities to me. I have to admit, I'm curious to see what you'll come up with to convince me."
Bush looks up at St. Peter and frowns. "Who are Pablo Picasso and Albert Einstein?"
St. Peter sighs. "Go on in, George."
- Did you hear about the deaf guy? Neither did he.
- Did you hear about the guy who electrocuted himself? He was shocked.
- Did you hear about the gay midget? He came out of the cupboard.
- Why can't Anakin and Padme have a serious conversation?
- Because Anakin won't stop staring at her Naboobies.
- What do you call oil from Venezuela?
- The Oconee River near Athens, Georgia overflows its banks. A retired preacher is sitting on his porch, with the river flooding into his front yard, headed for the deck.
Two men pull up in an SUV. One says, "Preacher, you need to come with us; the river's rising fast and there ain't much time." The preacher says, "Boys, you don't understand. I have faith. If I need help, the Lord will take care of me." So the men drive off.
An hour later the river has risen even more and the preacher is now sitting on his roof, with the water flooding up to the gutters.
A rowboat comes up and one of the men inside says, "Preacher, the river's rising faster. You gotta come with us." The preacher shakes his head and says, "Boys, you don't understand. I have faith. If I need help, the Lord will take care of me." So the rowboat leaves.
An hour later the flooding river has covered the roof of the preacher's house, and he is sitting on his chimney.
A helicopter hovers overhead and a voice issues from a loudspeaker, "Preacher, the river's rising fast, there ain't no time left. Grab the rope, we'll pull you up." The preacher shakes his head again. "Boys, you don't understand. I have faith. If I need help, the Lord will take care of me." So the helicopter flies off.
An hour later, the preacher reaches the Pearly Gates. St. Peter looks at him and says, "What are you doing here? It's not your time yet."
"I don't know," the preacher replies. "I had faith that the Lord would help me."
"Help?" St. Peter says, "We sent an SUV, a rowboat and a helicopter, what did you want?"
- A small child ran up to her Mother, and asked, "Mummy, what's a lesbian?" The Mother sighed, thought for a moment, and eventually said, "Ask your Father- she'll know."
- What was the last thing to go through the bee's mind as he hit the windshield?
- A biologist, a physicist, and a mathematician are sitting on a bench looking at the house across the street. They see two people walk into it, and, some time later, see three people walk out.
The biologist says, "They must have reproduced while they were inside."
The physicist says, "No, our initial observation must have been in error."
Finally, the mathematician says, "If one more person goes inside, then the house will be empty."
- How do you keep an idiot in suspense?
- By his ankles.
- Alternative response: Say nothing and walk away
- By his ankles.
- A mathematician, a physicist, an engineer, and a computer programmer were each asked to "prove" that all odd numbers are prime.
The mathematician says, "Three's a prime, five's a prime, and seven's a prime. Therefore, by induction, all odd numbers are prime."
The physicist says, "Three's a prime, five's a prime, seven's a prime, nine... well, we'll just throw that one out as experimental error, eleven's a prime, and thirteen's a prime. Therefore, empirical evidence suggests that all odd numbers are prime."
The engineer says, "Well, three's a prime, five's a prime, seven's a prime, nine's a prime, eleven's a prime, thirteen's a prime, fifteen's a prime..." He goes on for a while until the other three shut him up.
Finally, the computer programmer says:
- Three's a prime.
- Five's a prime.
- Seven's a prime.
- Seven's a prime.
- Seven's a prime.
- How does every racist joke begin?
- You look to the left, you look to the right, you look behind you, and then you lean in closely and whisper, "Hey, do you want to hear a joke?"
- An American, a Russian, and a Frenchman are all up for punishment by 40 lashes. The warden comes up to them and says "You may each have one wish before you are lashed."
So the American says "I want a pillow strapped to my back." He gets a pillow, they do 20 lashes, the pillow breaks, and he gets 20 lashes to the back.
The Frenchman says he wants 2 pillows on his back. They give him the pillows, he gets through scot free.
The Russian says "I want the Frenchman on my back."
- A farmer needs some help with his chickens. It seems they aren't laying like they used to. So, he goes to the local university and enlists three scientists to help him out. He explains his problems to a Mathematician, a Biologist, and a Physicist.
- The Mathematician, after studying the layout of the henhouse, and measuring the eggs, says she can't find any mathematical explanation for the decreased laying.
- The Biologist, after studying the hens' habits, and checking for any diseases, says he couldn't find anything wrong with the chickens, biologically speaking.
- The Physicist, after a week of labwork, and some models being formulated, comes back to the farmer and says, "Well, I have a solution, but it only works with spherical chickens in a vacuum."
- What do you do if there are 50 dead [members of disliked group] lying in front of you?
- Stop laughing and reload.
- Or alternatively: A good start.
- PATIENT: Doctor, what was wrong with that nun that just ran out of your office? She looked pale as a ghost!
- DOCTOR: Well, I examined her and told her her she was pregnant.
- PATIENT: My goodness... was she really?
- DOCTOR: No, but it sure as hell cured her hiccups!
- A shaken-looking snail goes to the police and says he's been mugged by a tortoise. They ask him what the guy looked like. "I don't know," he says, "it all happened so fast."
- What do you call a guy who hangs out with musicians?
- A drummer.
- Or, what do you call a guy who hangs out with musicians?
- A bass player.
- What do you call a musician who just broke up with his girlfriend?
- What did the drummer get on his IQ test?
- What's the difference between a bull and a band?
- A bull has horns in the front and an asshole in the back.
- Or alternately:
- What is the difference between a traffic jam and a python?
- The python has its asshole in the back.
- A bull has horns in the front and an asshole in the back.
- What's perfect pitch for a flute?
- When it doesn't hit the rim of the toilet when you throw it in.
- Alternative: What's the definition of perfect pitch?
- Throwing the oboe in the dumpster so it goes right through the banjo.
- When it doesn't hit the rim of the toilet when you throw it in.
- What's the difference between a clarinet and a mouse?
- You can't hear one mouse squeak over an entire band.
- What's the difference between trumpet players and government bonds?
- Bonds eventually mature and earn money.
- What's the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers?
- An elderly man and a guy with a rainbow mohawk are sitting next to each other on a bench. The old man is staring at the guy with the mohawk, and finally the guy with the mohawk has had enough.
- "What, gramps, haven't you ever done anything crazy in your life?" he asks.
- "Oh no, it's not that," the old man replies, "You see, I got drunk once and had sex with a parrot, and I was wondering if you were my son."
- Heaven only has one spot left for the day and three guys show up, so St. Peter tells them that the guy who died the worst death will get in. The first guy leads off, "Well, I got home early and I saw somebody cheating with my wife, and so I chased him deeper into my apartment. I saw somebody hanging off the balcony below, so I went into the kitchen, grabbed the fridge and dropped it on his head, but then I was overcome with grief so I killed myself." The second guy says, "I was on my balcony trying to see the source of some commotion when I leaned too far and fell over the edge. I barely managed to grab the edge when somebody dropped a refrigerator on my head. A refrigerator!" The third guy goes, "Well, you see, I was hiding in a refrigerator...."
- Alternative version: Three guys arrive at the Pearly Gates, and St. Peter says to the first, 'How did you die?' The first man replies, 'I was walking along the street when a fridge fell on me,' and St. Peter says, 'OK, go on in.' Then he says to the second man, 'You, how did you die?' and the second man says 'I came home and I thought my wife was cheating on me. I started raging and I threw the fridge out of the window, but then I had a heart attack and died.' And St. Peter says, 'OK, go on in.' Then he turns to the last guy and says, 'OK, so how did you die?' And the third man says 'I was screwing around with this other guy's wife, but I thought I heard him coming home. I got scared, so I hid in the fridge...'
- Third version: Three men die and go to heaven. Unfortunately, after many, many years there's little room left in heaven, so they have decided to only let in people who suffered horrible and painful deaths. So when they arrive at the Pearly Gates, St. Peter explains the new rules to them, and asks each of them how they died. The first man says "Well, I lived at 10th floor at a high building. Every morning, I work out. But my window broke yesterday, and the whole window has been removed while I'm waiting for a new one. Anyway, I somehow fell out the window when I got too close to it, and fell down. Luckily, i was able to grab hold of a lower window, but after some minutes some asshole bursts in and starts hitting my fingers. I eventually lose the grip and fall. Luckily I survived the fall, but then he decided to throw a fridge on me!" St. Peter agrees that this must have been a horrible death, and lets him enter.The second man says "Well, I was going to work, only to learn that we had today off when I arrived. So I went home, only to see the coat and shoes of a stranger in the entrance. I had suspected my wife of cheating on me for a while, and this just made me even more suspicious. I went up, and there I saw my wife lying in bed, and the ass hanging out of the window in only his underwear. I got really angry and started hitting his hands, first beating them, then hitting them with various objects. Eventually he fell, but I wasn't done yet... In a blind rage, I went down to the kitchen, carried the fridge with me, and threw it out the window on him. All the stress made me have a heart attack that killed me." St. Peter says: "Well, that must have been a horrible death too, and even though we don't really agree with your anger... you may enter." He then turns to the last man, asking: "So, how about you?" "Well," he says, "this is a bit embarrassing, but... imagine you're naked and hiding inside a fridge..."
- Three men have just robbed a bank and are making their getaway. They manage to get pretty far out of the city, but the police are still after them, and the getaway car breaks down in the middle of a rural area. They don't have much time, so they abandon the car and run off to hide in a nearby barn. There isn't much to hide behind once they're inside, but thankfully they planned ahead and brought very realistic barnyard animal costumes. The first bank robber disguises himself as a cow, the second as a sheep, the third suddenly realizes he forgot his chicken costume in the car, and thinking quickly, jumps into an empty potato sack. Moments later, a pair of police officers, having found the abandoned car, decide to investigate the barn.
- "They must have gotten away," says the first officer, "there's nothing in here but a cow, a sheep, and a sack of potatoes"
- "Hold on," says the second officer, "Something seems a little strange here.. Is that a real cow?"
- "Moo!" says the first bank robber.
- "Hmmm... Well, how about the sheep?"
- "Baaaah!" says the second bank robber.
- "And what about that potato sack over there? Is that a real sack of potatoes?"
- The third bank robber is silent for a moment, then calls out...
- Three doctors at a convention are talking shop.
- Doctor No. 1 says: "I love doing surgery on artists. They are so colorful: red hearts, pink stomachs, green spleens."
- Then Doctor No. 2 says: "Me, I love doing surgery on accountants: open them up and all their parts are numbered, makes it very easy."
- Then Doctor No. 3 says: "I love doing surgery on lawyers. They have no heart, they have no guts, and the head & the ass are interchangeable!"
- After the most frustrating round ever, the golfer threw down his club and complained at length to the caddy. "It would have been a perfect shot, but first a tortoise crawls over the hole and the ball bounces off, then an eagle catches the ball, flies around the flag three times and drops the ball in a tree where it's caught by a squirrel, then the squirrel tosses the ball into the water hazard where it's eaten by a carp!" St Peter folded his arms and snorted with disgust. "That's the last time I ever play against St Francis of Assisi!"
- Three men are playing a round of golf. The first one steps up to the tee, prepares himself, and hits a beautiful 300-yard drive - straight into a water hazard. He shrugs, parts the water, and chips the ball from the bottom of the hazard and onto the green. The second man steps up to the tee, and hits the same shot, into the same hazard. He laughs, then walks across the surface of the water, reaches down, and bats the ball out and onto the green. The third man steps up to the tee, and unleashes a mighty drive that drops right into the water hazard. The ball is immediately swallowed by a fish. As the fish swims toward the surface, an eagle swoops down from the sky, and grabs it, carrying it up and away. Just as the eagle flies over the green, a bolt of lightning shoots down from the sky, killing it instantly. It drops the fish, which falls onto the green. The ball pops out of the fish's mouth and rolls slowly into the hole. Moses says to Jesus "I'm never playing golf with your dad again."
- Doctor: Mr. Smith, I'm sorry, but you don't have long to live.
Mr. Smith: Well, how long do I have, Doc?
Mr. Smith: I don't understand. Ten weeks? Ten months? Ten what?
Doctor: Nine. Eight. Seven...
- Paul McCartney was being chauffeured back to his home in a stretch limo. "You know", he said to the driver, "I've never driven a limo before, so could I try it out?". The driver said yes, so Paul settled behind the wheel, and the chauffeur got in the back. Then Paul started to accelerate until the limo was topping 100 mph. Then he saw that a police car was coming and pulled over to the side of a street. A police officer came out, looked at Paul, and asked, "Excuse me Sir." Soon after he said, "I'd better call this one in." The policeman called the headquarters and said, "Listen Chief, I've just pulled over a really important person and I`m not sure what to do." "Who is it?" asked his chief, "Not the governor again?" "No, this man is much more important," said the officer. "More important than the governor?" yelled the Chief, "Who is it then?" "I'm not sure," said the officer, "but his chauffeur is Paul McCartney!"
- So, René Descartes is walking down the street when he's confronted with a street vendor. The street vendor asks if Descartes would be interested in investing in some really cheap quality watches. Descartes replies "I think not," before vanishing.
- Why did Mr. Kennedy cross the road?
- He didn't, he broke his ankle tripping on the curb.
- What do Vince McMahon and a prune have in common?
- They're both bitter and wrinkled.
- Stevie Wonder had just played an amazing gig, and the crowd was so ecstatic that he asked for requests. A guy shouts "Play a jazz chord" (or that's what it sounded like to Stevie because the crowd was so loud.) So Stevie plays a ten minute solo on the keyboard and the crowd goes wild. Then the same guy says "Play a jazz chord" again, and Stevie does yet another jazzy number. After that the same guy requests a "A jazz chord" again. This time, Stevie says "You do it yourself!" The guy gets on stage and sings "I just called to say I love you"...
- One morning in ancient Egypt, the boatmaster in charge of the Pharaoh's royal yacht comes down belowdecks and makes a general announcement to the slaves manning the oars: "I have good news and bad news. The good news: today, double rations for all oarsmen!" All the oarsmen cheer. "And now the bad news: the Pharaoh wants to water ski."
- What's the main disadvantage to raising a baby werewolf?
- You have to both potty-train and housebreak him.
- Dire Straits and Chris Rea have teamed up to form a new band. They're called DireRea.
- What was the doctor's diagnosis of 4/2?
- I'm afraid it's terminal.
- What do you call a broken can opener?
- A "can't" opener.
- During the Cold War, the US and the USSR each launched a pair of satellites that would pass each other at odd intervals. When they pass each other the first time, over the USA, the American satellites says "Howdy; how are ya?" and the Russian satellite replies "Very well; thank you!" ...as they pass each other again, this time over Russia, the Russian satellite starts with "Dobre denjee, tovarich!" and the American satellite replies. Then, they pass each other a third time, this time at night behind the Earth. "Guten Tag! Wenn wir jetzt hinter der Erde sind, koennen wir gut alle Deutsch sprechen, ja?"
- You know what was unique about Kurt Cobain? He was the only person to ever escape nirvana by dying.
- A mechanical engineer, an electrical engineer, and a software engineer are taking a road trip together when suddenly their car breaks down. "It must be the transmission!" The mechanical engineer says. "I'll have it fixed in no time!" The electrical engineer says, "No, no, it must be the battery. I can get it sorted out no problem." The software engineer says, "You're both wrong. We just have to close all the windows, get out of the car, get back in, and restart it."
- Alternatively, the car has a flat tire, and there's a salesman and a tech support guy in the car. The salesman says "Well, looks like it's time to buy a new car!" The tech support guy says "We should try putting the front tires on the back and the back tires on the front. If that doesn't work, we'll go with your idea."
- On an airplane, a gentleman had made several attempts to get into the men's restroom, but it had always been occupied. The flight attendant noticed his predicament. She said that he could use the new prototype female restroom only if he promised not to touch any of the buttons on the wall. He went into the toilet, did what he needed to, and as he sat there, he noticed the buttons he had promised not to touch. Each button was identified by letters: WW, WA, PP, and ATR. Who would know if he touched them? He couldn't resist. He pushed WW. Warm water was sprayed gently upon his bottom. What a nice feeling, he thought. Men's restrooms don't have nice things like this. Anticipating greater pleasure, he pushed the WA button. Warm air replaced the warm water, gently drying his underside. When this stopped, he pushed the PP button. A large powder puff caressed his bottom adding a fragile scent of spring flowers to this unbelievable pleasure. The ladies restroom was more than a restroom, it is tender loving pleasure. When the powder puff completed its pleasure, he couldn't wait to push the ATR button... Two weeks later he woke up in hospital. He buzzed for the nurse.
Patient: What happened?
Nurse: You pushed one too many buttons. The last button marked ATR was an Automatic Tampon Remover... Your penis is under your pillow.
- What's the difference between the Loch Ness monster and a fan of the Detroit Lions? One doesn't exist, and the other lives in a lake.
- How do you keep an Acceptable Target from drowning? Take your foot off his head.
- Do you know how to keep an Acceptable Target from drowning?
- Two cannibals are having dinner, and one of them says, "You know, I hate my mother-in-law." The other says, "So? Then just eat the salad."
- Two cannibals start eating a man from opposite ends, and after a few minutes, they have the following exchange:
First Cannibal: Enjoying yourself?Second Cannibal: Yep! I'm having a ball.First Cannibal: Slow down; you're eating too fast.
- Two cannibals are having dinner and one of them says, "You know, this tastes funny." The other replies, "Well, we are eating a stand-up comedian..."
- Alternative: Two cannibals are eating a clown. One of them turns to the other and says, "Does this taste funny to you?"
- Two cannibals are having dinner and one of them says "Ugh, my wife is such a tough old bird..." The other replies. "You probably overcooked her, then!"
- A man has been out fishing by the lake all day and hasn't caught anything. He decides to just give up and call it a day, but on his way he notices an old man fishing but a few feet away from him. The man immediately notices the other fisherman has several buckets full of fish, then witnesses him reeling in yet another one.
- "Excuse me, sir", the man says, "I've never been able to catch much of anything around here. I've got to ask, what's your secret?"
- The old man pauses for a moment, then mumbles "hmmm mmmph mmm mmph mmm hmm mmmph".
- "I'm sorry, could you say that again?"
- The man repeats, a little louder this time, "hmmm mmmph mmm mmph mmm hmm mmmph!"
- "I-I still didn't quite get that, sorry"
- Finally, the old man picks up a plastic cup, spits a mouthful of live worms into it, and yells "Ya gotta keep your worms warm!".
- A speaker at the Blond Convention set out to prove that the Dumb Blonde trope is a myth, so he picks out a pretty young thing from the audience. He says, "Ma'am, can you tell me what 212 x 4 is?"
- She thinks about it for a minute, and says, "500?"
- The crowd says "Give her another chance!"
- So he asks her, "What is 6 x 7?" and again she thinks about it before answering, "45?"
- The crowd says "Give her another chance!"
- "One more, time, then: what is 2 + 2?" She thinks carefully before hesitantly replying, "4?"
- The crowd says "Give her another chance!"
- Did you hear about the Orwellian who was in love with his cellphone?
- Oh, he so tapped it.
- Why did the butcher have a steak on his face?
- He was watching a meatier shower.
- An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at, either.
- Did you hear where the paddy-wagon collided with the cement truck? Six hardened criminals escaped.
- What do laws and sausages have in common?
- Anybody who likes them shouldn't see them being made.
- One day, a woman finds a lamp. She rubs it and out pops a genie. The genie says, "I'll grant you three wishes, but there's a catch: Whatever you wish for, a lawyer will get twice that much." So the woman says, "Okay, I wish for 30 billion dollars." "All right," the genie tells her, "But every lawyer will get 60 billion dollars." The woman then says, "I wish for two mansions." "All right," the genie says, "But every lawyer will get four mansions." The woman thinks awhile, wondering what to do with her last wish, when finally, she says, "I wish that I could donate a kidney."
- A preacher wanted to raise money for the local church and, upon hearing that there was a fortune to be found in horse racing, he decided to purchase one and enter himself. Unfortunately the going price for a horse at the local auction house was too high so he ended up getting a donkey instead. He decides that, because he has it, he might as well try his luck so he enters it in the horse race and, to his great surprise, it comes in second place.
The newspaper headline the next day read, "Preacher's ass shows."
- The preacher was quite pleased with this turn of events so he decided to enter the donkey in the race again and this time it won.
The newspaper headline the next day read, "Preacher's ass out front."
- The bishop was rather unhappy that the church was getting this kind of publicity so he commanded the preacher to get rid of the donkey.
The newspaper headline the next day read, "Bishop scratches preacher's ass."
- After some careful thought, the preacher agreed to give the donkey to a nun in a nearby convent.
The newspaper headline the next day read, "Nun has best ass in town."
- This was too much for the bishop so he commanded the nun to get rid of the donkey again. She sold it to a local farmer for the price of $10.
The newspaper headline the next day read, "Nun sells ass for $10."
- The bishop fainted. When he regained consciousness he told the nun to buy the donkey back from the farmer and release it into the nearby fields.
The newspaper headline the next day read, "Nun announces ass is wild and free."
- The bishop was buried the next day.
- Here's one I heard from a man of the cloth. Minor creative liberties taken.
- A Priest, a Rabbi, and a Minister are walking along when God calls down to them:
God: For your great works and dedication, I will grant each of you one wish.Priest: I'd like a great big church, so that I may continue to spread the Good Word!And God makes a beautiful Cathedral.Rabbi: I would like there to be peace in the Middle East!And God makes it so.Minister: God, I'd like a long bridge from my house to the beach, so I can easily get there and back whenever I want.God: That seems a bit selfish. Isn't there ANYTHING else you want, my son?Minister: Well, now that You mention it...I suppose peace in the Middle East would be a less selfish wish.God: So, that was a bridge to the beach, right?
- A Priest, a Rabbi, and a Minister are walking along when God calls down to them:
- Why is pirate opera so popular?
- Everyone knows pirates are masters of the high "C"s.
- Which sea was never conquered by pirates?
- Vitamin C.
- A Violist parked his car on 42nd street - leaving his Viola on the back seat - while he ran into a store. Not a smart thing to do in New York City! When he came out he found the side window was smashed, his car stereo ripped out of the dash, his cellular phone was gone ... and there were two Violas on the back seat.
- What's the worst thing about eating vegetables?
- Getting them back into the wheelchair.
- What's worse than being raped by Jack the Ripper?
- Being fingered by Captain Hook.
- A man is driving through the Irish countryside when his car breaks down. Walking to a nearby village, he asks one of the villagers where the mechanic is. The villager thinks for a bit, scratches his head, and says "Well, there's a McLoughlin and a McCarthy, but we don't have anybody here named 'McAnnick'..."
- What's big and red and eats rocks?
- A big red rock-eater.
- What's big and green and eats rocks?
- A big green rock-eater.
- What's big and yellow and eats rocks?
- A big yellow rock-eater?
- Nope, sorry, they only come in red and green.
- A big yellow rock-eater?
- A plane crashes, which kills everyone in there. Upon getting to heaven, they get told that seeing the unfortunate circumstances of their deaths, they will all get one wish before getting into heaven. They line up, and each of them gets asked, one at a time. The first person says "I wish to be beautiful." He does, and then the next person is asked. "I wish to be beautiful too" she says, and her wish gets granted. All the others also wishes for the same thing: to be beautiful. After they are about halfways, the guy at the end of the line starts giggling slighty to himself, but they don't really mind him. With only 10 people left, the last man starts laughing a lot, his laughter only increasing for each person to get their wish, and when it's him next, he's just rolling around on the floor, unable to keep his laughter in. When he finally gets his wish, he says "Make them all ugly again."
- What do you call a cupboard full of lesbians?
- A liquor lick her cabinet.
- So there's a father tomato, a mother tomato, and a baby tomato out for a walk. The baby tomato can't keep up with his parents, so the father tomato stomps on him and says, "Ketchup."
- A old man who had served in the RAF during WWII was relating the events in a school. "So, there was 4 Fokkers on the horizon—"
- The teacher interrupts hurriedly and says "Fokkers were a kind of aircraft"
- The old man says "True, true, but these fokkers were Messerschmitts."
- "Comrade Stalin! This man is your exact double!"
- "Shoot him!"
- "Maybe we should shave off his moustache?"
- "Good idea! Shave it off and then shoot him!"
- The KGB, the GIGN (French counter-terrorism organisation) and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at catching criminals. The Secretary General of the UN decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.
- The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.
- The GIGN goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and make no apologies: the rabbit had it coming.
- The KGB goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling: "Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!"
- A Russian and an American are sentenced to Hell. The Devil summons them and says: "Guys, you have 2 options: an American or Russian hell. In the American one you can do what you want, but you'll have to eat a bucket of shit every morning. The Russian one is the same, but it's 2 buckets."
- The Yankee quickly makes up his mind and goes to American Hell, while the Russian eventually chooses the Russian one. In a week or so they meet.
- The Russian asks: "So, what's it like out there?"
- "Exactly what the devil said. Hell itself is OK, but eating a bucket of shit every morning is killing me. And you?"
- "Ah, it feels like home - either the shit was not delivered or there aren't enough buckets for everyone!"
- The Armenian Radio was asked: "Is it good to have sex with an open window?"
- The Armenian Radio answers: "Yes, but with a person it is better."
- The teacher asks: "Fritzchen, what is the difference between capitalism and socialism?"
- Fritz replies: "Capitalism is the exploitation of man by man. Under socialism, it is the other way around."
- "Dad, dad, come quickly, our mother in law just got attacked by dogs!"
- "Forget it. Those dogs are on their own now."
- What did the bra say to the hat?
- You go on ahead. I've got to give these two a lift.
- Music is like a candy bar; you have to remove the rappers to enjoy it.
- A little boy asks his father: "Dad, what is a penis?" Thinking it's a little early on for his son to be learning those sorts of things, he answers: "Well, son, it's... a bird", hoping not to get any more questions about it. A few days later, the boy is in the hospital. His parents are naturally pretty worried, and asks him what happened. "Well... I was playing with my bird, but then it spat on me. That made me angry, so I broke its neck, crushed the eggs and burnt the nest!"
- A young boy named Timmy lives on a farm. One morning, he gets up and goes downstairs to the kitchen for breakfast. His mother stops him in the kitchen and asks if he had done his farmyard chores. “Not yet,” said Timmy. “Well, no breakfast until your chores are done” said his mother. Timmy’s a little pissed because he’s hungry, but goes out and starts his chores. First thing, he goes to feed the chickens, but the chickens are squabbling over the food and flying everywhere, and one poops on his foot. Timmy swiftly proceeds to kick the offending chicken. His mother sees this from the kitchen, and runs out and sternly says to Timmy “I saw you kick the chicken, so you don’t get any eggs for a week”. This gets Timmy more pissed off, but he holds his tongue. He then sets off to the feed the pigs, but the pigs are also unsettled and splash mud all over Timmy. Timmy promptly reacts by swearing and kicking the nearest pig in the snout. His mother sees this from the kitchen, and runs out and sternly says to Timmy “I saw you kick the pig, so you don’t get any bacon for a week.” Timmy is getting madder, but he doesn’t say a word and silently storms off to the last of his chores, which is to milk the cows. Everything seems to go well until Timmy gets to the last cow, who is being uncooperative. Timmy hits the cow on the rump, and the cow reacts by kicking the pail of milk over. Timmy then kicks the cow in the udder in frustration. Unfortunately, his mother sees this from the kitchen as well, and runs out and sternly says to Timmy “I saw you kick the cow, so you don’t get any milk for a week”. By now, Timmy is madder than hell. He’s had a terrible grumpy morning, and as he walks into the kitchen, he is upset that he only has toast and dry cereal without milk for breakfast for the rest of the week. Just as Timmy sits down and starts to eat, his father comes down the stairs and accidentally trips over the cat. His father is also in a bad mood now, and proceeds to kick the cat halfway across the kitchen. The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile, and says: “Are you going to tell him, or should I?
- Three guys are at a cabin, discovering there's only one bed there. They at last find out they have to share it, the bed's big enough anyway. So they sleep next to each other. The next morning, the guy to the left says: "I just had a great dream where I got a handjob!" "That's strange" said the guy to the right, "that's what I dreamt too!" Then, the guy in the middle wakes up and says: "Well, I dreamt I went skiing!"
- Did you hear about the terrorist who hijacked a bus full of lawyers? He threatened to release one every hour until his demands were met.
- There was a man who accidentally drank Tipp-Ex instead of liquid Viagra. He woke up the next morning with an enormous correction.
- What do you call a nosy pepper?
- Ja-la-peño business!
- What do you call cheese that's not yours? Nacho cheese.
- What did the evil binomial say when it was squared?
- Curses! FOILed again!
- Once upon a time, Yoda said the following: "My my, dark the other side is indeed."
- To which Obi-Wan answered: "Just shut up and eat your toast!"
- An Upper-Class Twit, a Starving Student, a Stepford Smiler, and a Corrupt Corporate Executive are in a restaurant. A reporter asks them "Excuse me, but can I get your opinion on the recent meat shortage in the third world?"
- What do you call four Mexicans in quicksand? Cuatro sink-o.
- A traveling comedy troop gets an invitation to do their act at a small church in the Scottish highlands. It's not their normal beat, but a gig's a gig, so they trek out to the church. The troop is introduced to the congregation, and receive a round of polite applause. They launch into their act, and it proves to be one of those days where they nail it, the gags go flawlessly, everyone's timing is perfect. And from their audience.. nothing. Stoney, dead silence. The troop's obviously knocked back by this, but The Show Must Go On, so they rally and plow through the rest of their performance. Still nothing. Finally, defeated, they wrap it up and take their bows and to their bafflement, the entire congregation immediately hops to its feet and launches into sustained, vigorous applause. The man who introduced them bustles back onto the stage and starts enthusiastically pumping the troop leader's hand: "Och, man! That was the funniest thing I've ever seen! I think I may have ruptured meself keeping from laughing in church!"
- I'd tell you a joke about vegetables, but I think it's too corny for you.
- One day a horse was walking around his stable when he noticed a duck swimming in the hay. The horse said, "You there, duck, get out of there right now!" The duck ignored the horse. So the horse kicked the duck out of the hay, over the fence and into the pond. "Hey!" Yelled the duck in anger, "Why did you do that?" The horse replied, "Hay is for horses!"
- Why is Princess Leia frustrated?
- Because Han shot first.
- I asked my Gym instructor "Can you teach me to do the splits?". He said "How flexible are you?", and I answered "I can't do Thursdays".
- Why did Jerry Sandusky go to Walmart?
- A British driver is driving on the left side of the road on a street in London. An American tourist is driving the opposite way on the same side of the road on a street in London. What happens?
- Nothing. The tourist is in Illinois.
- Wait, what's that button for?
- There were these two statues, one of a nude man and one of a nude woman. They had faced each other across a pathway in a park for a hundred years, when an angel floated down to earth, and with a wave of his hand brought them to life. He announced to them "As a reward for your patience through a hundred miserable summers and dismal winters, you have been granted the gift of life for thirty minutes to do what you would most like to do." He looked at her, she looked at him, they shared a knowing grin, and ducked into the shrubbery. After fifteen minutes they emerged, out of breath and giggling with delight. The angel checked his watch and told them "You still have fifteen minutes left, you know. Would you care to go for a second time? He asked "Should we?" She excitedly answered "Oh yes, let's! But this time let's do it the other way round. I'll hold down the pigeon, and you crap on its head!"
- An older man calls his three adult children and tells them: "After 35 years, your mother and I can't stand it anymore. We're getting a divorce." Each of his children tell him "Like hell you are! I'm flying out there, and don't you dare do anything rash until I get there." The man goes to his wife and tells her: "Good news, the kids are coming for Christmas, and they're paying their own way!"
- Why did Dr. Facilier cross the road?
- He's got friends on the other side.
- Why did the Spy cross the road?
- He never really was on your side.
- One summer evening, Bob was home alone, when he heard a knock on the door. He opens it, and sees a snail on his doorstep. The snail asks: "Hey, could I get something to eat? I'm starving." Not in the mood for this, Bob picks up the snail and dropkicks it away. Ten years later, Bob was once again home alone on a summer evening, when he heard a knock on the door. He opens it and sees a snail, who angrily demands: "What the hell was that for?!"
Alice: What's the difference between ignorance and apathy?Bob: *shrugs* I dunno.Alice: And I don't care.
- Alice: "I just watched the new trailer for The LEGO Batman Movie."
- Bob: "I haven't had a chance to yet. How's it look?"
- Alice: "Like the first one, except with no sunlight."
- What does a Thesaurus eat for breakfast?
- Synonym rolls.
- Why was the bee flying round town with its legs crossed?
- It was looking for a BP station.
- As told by comedian Orson Bean: An old man goes to his doctor and says "I think I'm losing my potency." The doctor asks, "When did you start noticing this?" The old man replies, "Last night and again this morning."
- What do gay horses eat?
- (in mincing voice) Haaaaayy!
- An atheist is lost at sea, floating in a life preserver during a terrible storm. What's worse, a shark is circling around him. In a fit of panic, the atheist shouts out, "God, please help me!" Suddenly, everything stopped—the rain, the wind, the waves, the shark, all frozen in time. The clouds parted and a shaft of light shined. God's voice boomed out "You are an atheist. Why should I help you?" The atheist pleaded, "I'm sorry, God, but that's how I've always believed. If you won't help me, then how about making the shark religious? He may show compassion and not eat me." God pondered it for a moment then said, "Okay. I'll make the shark religious." The clouds closed back up and everything was set in motion once again. The shark circled around a few times then swam up to the atheist. He came up and looked the atheist in the face. The shark then put his fins together, bowed his head and said, "Dear God, thank you for this food I am about to partake..."
- Did you hear about the rock band named 1023 MB? They haven't gotten a gig yet.
- Jesus and Moses were having an argument about who was the better golfer, so they came down to Earth at Augusta National Golf Club to settle their differences. They played up to a water hazard. Jesus sized up His shot with a five-iron. Moses said "You can't hit that ball over that lake with a five-iron." Jesus said, "If Arnold Palmer can do it, I can do it." Jesus hit the ball, which immediately went into the lake. He turned to Moses and said "Uh, can I some help getting my ball back?" Moses grudgingly swung his arms apart, the lake waters parted, and Jesus walked in to get His ball. He put the ball on the tee and sized it up with His five-iron again. Moses spluttered. "You cannot hit that ball over that lake with a five-iron." Jesus reiterated "If Arnold Palmer can do it, I can do it." Jesus swung, and again the ball went into the lake. "Fine," Moses said, "this time get the ball yourself." Jesus proceeded to walk on to of the lake, dipping His club in the water looking for His ball. Two duffers happened to pass by and were startled to see a man standing on top of the lake. One of them said, "Who does he think he is? Jesus Christ?" "No," spluttered Moses, "He thinks he's Arnold Palmer!"
- How do rednecks count?
- What do you call a traffic accident report between two trophy wives?
- A Saab story.
- How does a woman make her husband roar like a wild animal while making love?
- She calls him on the phone and tells him where she is.
- A mother has three daughters. The first daughter comes to her mother and asks, "Why did you name me Lily?" Her mother tells her, "Because we put lily petals on your head when you were born." The second daughter comes to her mother and asks, "Why did you name me Rose?" Her mother tells her, "Because we put rose petals on your head when you were born." The third daughter comes to her mother and says, "SHFHDHDJDBFJSJ." Her mother says, "Not now, Brick."
- What do you call a vampire monarch?
- A royal pain in the neck!
- Three engineers are discussing the human body, trying to decide what kind of engineer God is.
- The first says, "God's a computer engineer. The brain is the most extraordinary computer ever designed."
- The second engineer says, "No, God's a mechanical engineer. The heart is an amazing pump, and then there are all the other organs, and the muscles..."
- The third replies, "I'm telling you, God's a civil engineer. Who else would route waste disposal through a recreational area?"
- There's this old butler, right? And he's retired, and lives on a farm with his two reindeer. One day he hears a knock at the door, and he opens it to see two beavers. The beavers say to him "Hi. Our house got knocked down in a flash flood, and we're looking for some money to rebuild it. Would you like to make a donation?" The butler just shakes his head, and goes to turn away. The beavers yell "Hey!" and throw a glass of water at him, slamming the door in his face. He goes to his reindeer. The first one, named Lee, says "Why don't you just give them some money?" His second deer, Frank, asks him the same question. "Why not give them a little money to rebuild?"
The wet butler says "Frank, Lee, my deers, I don't give a dam."
- A man goes into a pet shop and asks for something unusual. The owner shows him a rabbit-like animal, and says, "This is a Rary. They only move about by rolling around, and to get one started you have to give it sort of a pat, but they're cleanly." So the man buys the Rary, but after it's been home for a while, it starts rolling about uncontrollably and breaking his things. The shop owner won't take it back, so he drives 100 km out of town to a tall cliff, intending to give it a push off. He meets someone there, and after hearing the story, the fellow remarks, "That's a long way to tip a Rary!"
- At the zoo, a group of porpoises were telling the visiting kids to do all kinds of bad things. After a talk with the zookeeper, they promised to be nice if he would bring them mynah birds. The zookeeper agreed, so he walked past a sleeping lion to get some mynahs. On the way back, he was stopped by a police officer who said, "You are under arrest for carrying mynahs across a sedate lion for immoral porpoises."
- A blind man and his equally blind wife decide to go for a walk. It's a pretty cold day, and the weather forecast predicts some kind of precipitation, but the temperature will determine whether it's rain or snow. Sure enough, while the man and his wife are walking, it starts... precipitating. But neither of them is sure what.
"I think it's raining," said the man's wife.
"I think it's snowing," said the man. "It's too cold to rain."
They bicker about this until they hear someone hail them: "Hello!" The man turns to his wife and says, "Oh! It's Olph the Communist! He'll know which it is."
The man calls out: "Comrade Olph! Is it raining or snowing?"
"Raining, you idiots!" Olph calls back, unpleasantly.
"See, I told you," the blind woman said.
Grumpily, the man replied, "I still think it's too cold. It must be snowing."
At that, the woman shook her head, and said...
"Rude Olph the Red knows rain, dear."
- A scientist named Berade had managed to create a giant, twenty-foot-tall pig. The problem was that the pig's breath was horrible. He had also, however, managed to create over seventy gorilla clones, and as he tried to replicate his pig experiment, he had the clones feed the pig over a hundred Cloret breath mints. One day, the gorilla on mint duty spilled the mints, so Berade began to beat it with a cane... at which point the clones rebelled. The police report said... "Seventy-six strong clones fed the pig Berade, with a hundred and ten Clorets close at hand..."
- Two hikers have been walking through the Australian Outback for days when they come across a small town called Mercy. Seeing as they're tired and thirsty, they stop by the bar and ask for a drink. What the bartender gives them tastes amazing, but is very thick and chunky. The hikers ask what it's made of and the bartender replies that it's a tea that they make by mashing up koalas. The hikers are understandably put off by this, but the drink tastes so good that they ask for another, and strained this time. The bartender replies "Oh, no sirs. The Koala Tea of Mercy is not strained."
- A scientist has perfected a clone. Unfortunately when he takes it to show the university board, it starts swearing at them. The outraged board throw them out, and the scientist does some more tests and realises the clone has Tourettes. He's stumped with what to do, and eventually he decides to take it to the top of the university carpark, and chuck it off. He does so, but is seen, and later the police arrive. He insists that killing the clone wasn't murder, but nonetheless gets arrested. The charge is "making an obscene clone fall".
- Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail, and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him... a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
- There were three medieval kingdoms on the shores of a lake. There was an island in the middle of the lake, over which the kingdoms had been fighting for years. Finally, the three kings decided that they would send their knights out to do battle, and the winner would take the island. The night before the battle, the knights and their squires pitched camp and readied themselves for the fight. The first kingdom had 12 knights, and each knight had five squires, all of whom were busily polishing armor, brushing horses, and cooking food. The second kingdom had twenty knights, and each knight had 10 squires. Everyone at that camp was also busy preparing for battle. At the camp of the third kingdom, there was only one knight, with his squire. This squire took a large pot and hung it from a looped rope in a tall tree. He busied himself preparing the meal, while the knight polished his own armor. When the hour of the battle came, the three kingdoms sent their squires out to fight (this was too trivial a matter for the knights to join in). The battle raged, and when the dust had cleared, the only person left was the lone squire from the third kingdom, having defeated the squires from the other two kingdoms, thus proving that the squire of the high pot and noose is equal to the sum of the squires of the other two sides.
- Have you ever heard the hymn about a dog finding a wrench in a backyard? There's kind of an interesting back story to it. You see, there was this hymnist living alone with his beloved dog, Macy, who he sometimes called Mace for short. One summer his push mower broke and he couldn't afford a new one, and the lawn was beginning to grow too long. He knew he could fix it, if only he could find his wrench. He took Macy out to the yard to play one day, and he noticed she immediately started eating the grass. He was about to make her stop, when he noticed something metallic right underneath the grass she was chewing... It was the wrench! He was so inspired by this turn of events that he went right inside and started writing a song...
A grazing MaceHow sweet the houndThat saved a wrench for me...
- Two electricians are installing power lines. One is cool and collected, but the other is afraid of heights, and is therefore panicky.
"We're almost done" the level-headed electrician says to the other. "All you have to do is to reach out and cover the cables with this protective covering."The other electrician tries to do this, but backs away at the last minute, concerned that he'll fall to the ground if he leans out any further."I'm too afraid to finish this job!" says the other electrician. "I just conduit!"
- Slaying goblins is easy. It wouldn't be such a cakewalk if they weren't such mediogre fighters.
- Once upon a time there were these two bothers. The older brother wisely worked hard and saved his money, eventually amassing a small fortune. The younger brother, however, was much more impulsive and always spent what he had.
One day the younger brother says to the older brother "I want to open a bar, but I don't have the cash to do so. Surely you can give me some of your money.""I'll lend you the money you need," says the older brother. "But I expect you to pay it back, with interest". The two agree to this arrangement, so the older brother lends a sizable chunk of his savings to the younger brother, who opens his bar.The bar is an instant success, making the younger brother rich beyond his wildest dreams. During the same time, a thief steals all the money saved by the older brother, leaving him and his family with nothing. Years pass, and the younger brother fails to pay back any of the original loan to his sibling.One particularly harsh winter, the older brother begs his sibling to make good on his promise to repay the loan. "You have more than enough money now to pay me back, and my wife and children are hungry!"The younger brother glances at him and says "I'd rather pay you back later."By this time the older brother is desperate "Please! Just pay me back the interest then! Give me enough to feed my family! If you don't, I'll get the police!"The eternally ungrateful younger brother smirks and says "I don't think you're in any position to be demanding anything." With that, he closes the door to his manor, leaving the older brother alone in the cold.The older brother then begins to beat upon the door, yelling "How can you be so ungrateful!? How can you be so accrual!?"
- Two nuns are living in a monastery, and get together to eat lunch and talk one day. Sister Elizabeth says to Sister Mary; "It's Friday today, so we should sneak off to town to have some fun." Sister Mary agrees this is a good idea and asks how they are going to pull it off. Sister Elizabeth says; "Just pretend to go to bed as usual tonight, but after everyone else falls asleep, get up and put on some clothes that won't stand out in the city. We'll meet in the courtyard at 11 o'clock. Sister Mary says this is a wonderful idea, and the two part ways. Time passes slowly, as it always does when one is waiting for something, but eventually 11pm comes, and Sister Elizabeth is waiting in the courtyard. But when Sister Mary comes up to her, she sees that Mary is wearing her regular nun's clothes! "Mary, what are you doing?" she exclaims. "I told you to put on clothes that won't stand out!" Sister Mary looks at herself and says; "Sorry, force of habit".
- A friend of mine has been suffering from arrhythmia as of late, but when he went to his doctors, he told a fib about his a. fib.
- A Buddhist monk walks up to a hot dog cart and says to the vendor "Make me one with everything."
- A bus driver in London stops at a bus stop to see a man with three heads, no arms, and one leg. "'Ello, 'ello, 'ello!" the bus driver says "You look 'armless enough, hop aboard!"
- What aspect of music are teenagers naturally inclined to? Hormone-y.
- The Pungeon Master heard about a newspaper contest for puns and sent ten in in hopes one of them would win something. But no pun in ten did.
- Larry the Lobster and Sam the Clam were best friends all their lives. Sadly, while Larry was virtuous and good and ascended to heaven when he died, Sam succumbed to sin and temptation and was banished to hell. Arriving in heaven, Larry was issued his harp, halo, and wings. Heaven was great, of course, and Larry spent a few millennia lolling around in perfect bliss on his assigned cloud, but then he started to miss Sam. Finally, he went to St. Peter and asked if there was any way he could see Sam again. St. Peter replied that while it was somewhat unusual, it could be done, and issued Larry a day-pass to go down to hell, warning him to be back before it expired. Larry got on the endless escalator and descended into the fiery depths. Arriving in hell, he reunited with Sam, who was happy to see his old friend. It turned out that Sam had done fairly well for himself, working his down through the ranks, and had finally been put in charge of running hell's disco, where the condemned were forced to boogie all through eternity. They went to the disco and had so much fun that Larry lost track of time. He finally realized he had to go, bid Sam a hasty farewell, and zipped back up the escalator. St. Peter met him at the gate, saying Larry had gotten back just in time, but... "Larry, where is your harp?" "Oh, no!" cried Larry. "I left my harp in Sam Clam's disco!!"
- More and more of the unpublished drabblings of J.R.R. Tolkien have been surfacing as of late; some have been actual stories, but most have been ruminations on the society of Middle-Earth. Interestingly enough, he went into explicit detail about tiny facets of everyday life in the world he was writing about. One such paper was a full analysis over which race would make the best Eggs Benedict. The dwarves, of course, would have the best bacon, a slab of fried pork belly that would warm the gut. The elves would have the best bread - lembas is remarkably versatile. The halfling twist on the recipe would be fairly basic, but the eggs would be poached immaculately - but it was a race he seldom wrote on that, in his estimation, would have the best version of the breakfast dish, because their sauce would simply be to die for. So it's true - there's no race like gnome for the Hollandaise.
- "Hello, and welcome to the phone dial-in service. If you would like to purchase marijuana, press the hash key."
- I could tell you a joke about the CIA, but then I'd have to kill you.
- It's the school cross country at Foster State School. Several rivalling schools have come to compete with the students. Fortunately, grade 5 only has one kid from a rival school joining them. His name is Mike Bullet and is known for being a fast runner for a surprisingly young age. Sadly, the school hasn't been doing so well with most of the rival schools beating them in the races, but if grade 5 manages to win the race, Forest State School has a chance to catch up. The kids have no ideas, until one explains that he was fiddling around in his dad's shed. His dad works for the carnival and was in charge of balloons, so he would take a canister of helium every now and then to entertain his kid. The child was just in his shed playing with the helium tank, inflating balloons and letting them go. He puts it down, but forgets to turn it off. Thus, un-knowingly he steps on the hose with his pair of sneakers. The nozzle sticks right into them, inflating his shoes with helium. Scared, he turns the tank off. However, he notices something. He seems to run a bit quicker, with a slight amount of weight taken away via the helium inflated shoes. The child believes if they can find a way to inflate the other peoples shoes, they might have a chance. Essentially, the strategy is "All the other kids with their pumped up kicks better run, better run, faster then Mike Bullet."
- What do you call a gullible vampire?
- A sucker!
- One evening just after dusk, a flock of seven vampires arrived at a humongous hiking trail and announced to the ranger that they intended to go for a thirty-six-hour hike. The surprised ranger tried to discourage them, "I don't think that's a good idea. The end of the journey might be too intense for you." At the flock's insistence, the ranger gave them some distress signals just in case and reluctantly let them proceed. The very next morning, the ranger saw and heard the distress signals. Mounting his horse, he rode as fast as he could to the source of the distress signals - the vampire campsite. Looking around, the ranger saw five charred skeletons lying in the sunlight next to five incomplete tents. Only two tents were complete.
Ranger: Hey, are you okay in there?Vampire: We should have heeded your prophecy, O Wise and Powerful Soothsayer!Ranger: Soothsayer? Me? I Warned You the end of the journey would be too intense, but...Vampire: Exactly! Our journey ends with us two in tents!
- A multi-part one:
- How do you catch a blue elephant ?
- Use a blue-elephant trap.
- How do you catch a yellow elephant ?
- Use a yellow-elephant trap.
- How do you catch a green elephant ?
- Paint it yellow and use the yellow elephant trap !
- How do you catch a purple elephants with pink stripes ?
- Come on, you know very well that there is no such thing !
- How do you catch a blue elephant ?
- Why do elephants paint their toenails red?
- So they can hide in cherry trees.
- Come on! Who's ever seen an elephant in a cherry tree?
- See how well it works?!
- Why do elephants have flat feet?
- From jumping out of cherry trees.
- How did Tarzan die?
- He was picking cherries.
- Why are pygmies so short?
- They hang out under cherry trees.
- What is the loudest sound in the Jungle?
- Giraffes eating cherries off the tree.
- How do you pass an elephant under a door?
- Put it inside an envelope and slide it under.
- And what if the envelope doesn't fit?
- Take out the stamp and try again
- How do you kill a blue elephant?
- With a blue elephant gun.
- How do you kill a green elephant?
- Hold its nose until it turns blue and shoot it with the blue elephant gun.
- How do you kill a pink elephant?
- Paint it green, hold its nose until it turns blue, then shoot it with the blue elephant gun.
- How do you kill a yellow elephant?
- Tickle it pink, paint it green, hold its nose until it turns blue, then shoot it with a blue elephant gun.
- How do you kill a purple elephant?
- How do you get an elephant into the fridge?
- You open the door and put him in.
- Okay, but how do you get a giraffe into the fridge?
- You open the door, take out the elephant, and put in the giraffe.
- So, the entire animal kingdom is having a big 'ole party. Every single animal is there except for one who doesn't come. Which animal doesn't come?
- The giraffe. You left him in the fridge.
- You're standing on the edge of a river inhabited by man-eating crocodiles. You must cross the river. How do you cross the river?
- You swim. All the crocodiles are at the party.
- What did the elephant do when it sat on Planck's constant?
- It broke the h-bar!
- Why do ducks have flat feet?
- To stamp out forest fires.
- Why do elephants have flat feet?
- To stamp out flaming ducks.
- An elephant, a chicken, a log, and a spoon are in a bathtub together.
Mommy Mommy jokes
- "Mommy, Mommy, I don't like my brother!"
- "Shut up! You'll eat what's on the table!"
- "Mommy, Mommy, why is daddy sprinting in a zig-zag?"
- "Shut up and reload!"
- "Mommy, Mommy, I don't want to move to Europe!"
- "Shut up and keep on swimming!"
- "Mommy, Mommy, why do our family members die so fast?"
- "Mommy, Mommy, I heard there are piranhas in this river!"
- "Mommy, Mommy, I don't want to run around in circles anymore!"
- "Shut up, or I will nail your second foot to the floor as well!"
- "Mommy, Mommy, I want to play with Grandpa!"
- "Shut up, the coffin will stay shut for today!"
- "Mommy, is Daddy asleep?"
- "Shut up and keep digging."
- "Mommy, where did your scabs go?"
- "Mommy, can we buy a new dog?"
- "Shut up, we're not done eating this one yet!"
- "Mommy, I don't want to go to grandpa!"
- "Shut up and dig faster!"
- "Mommy, Mommy, I butchered grandpa!"
- "Are you crazy? Half of grandma is still in the fridge!"
- "Mommy, Mommy, why can't we give grandma a proper burial?"
- "Shut up and keep flushing!"
- "Mommy, Mommy, is is possible to live without a brain?"
- "I don't know, how old are you?" note
- How many Californians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
- 2, but you're gonna need a pretty big light bulb to fit them in there.
- Alternative: None. Californians don't screw in light bulbs, they screw in hot tubs!
- How many Daleks does it take to change a light bulb?
- Fifty million. One to try and start it, and 49,999,999 to conquer a race that can climb stepladders for them.
- Alternative: Two. One to change it, one to exterminate the people who complained that it was dark.
- How many sopranos does it take to change a light bulb?
- Two. One to change it and one to complain about how high it is.
- How many Sopranos does it take to change a light bulb?(optional: Get someone who will get/knows the joke to start singing "Don't Stop Believing")
- Two. One to dramatically throw open a door, and
- How many narcissists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
- Only one. He just holds it in place while the whole world revolves around him.
- How many Catholics does it take to screw in a light bulb?
- None. We use candles.
- How many Lutherans does it take to change a light bulb?
- Alternately: Sixty-one. One to change the bulb, and 60 to vote on it.
- How many Vietnam Veterans does it take to change a light bulb?
- YOU DON'T KNOW MAAAN! YOU WEREN'T THERE!
- How many surrealists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
- A fish.
- Alternative: A pool table.
- Alternative: Two. One to hold the giraffe, and the other to fill a bathtub with brightly-coloured machine tools.
- Alternative: To get to the other side.
- How many NPCs does it take to change a light bulb?
- How many Dragon Ball Z characters does it take to change a light bulb?
- Just one, but it takes him six episodes to do it.
- (Alternate) OVER NINE THOUSAAAAAAAAANND!!!
- (Alternate 2) One. But it takes ten episodes, two level ups, Piccolo and all the other characters dying and getting revived, and someone getting pecs the size of tires to do it.
- How many solipsists does it take to change a light bulb?
- How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?
- Only one, but the light bulb has to really want to change.
- One, but it takes nine visits.
- "How many do you think it takes?"
- How many psychoanalysts does it take to change a light bulb?
- Two. One changes the bulb and the other one holds the penis. I mean, the ladder. The ladder!
- How many Borg does it take to change a light bulb?
- Light bulbs are irrelevant. Changing them is futile.
- All of them.
- How many Vulcans does it take to change a light bulb?
- Approximately 1.000...
- How many Resident Evil characters does it take to change a light bulb?
- One, but they'll have to make the bulb by hand from eight different parts.
- How many chavs does it take to change a lightbulb?
- Ten. One to change the bulb and nine to back him up.
- How many kids with ADD does it take to change a lightbulb?
- Let's go ride bikes!
- How many hipsters does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
- Its some obscure number, you've probably never heard of it.
- (Alternate) One, but the hipster will probably insist on using his own special light bulb that you've probably never heard of. It takes twenty people to put in, but he claims it'll use 0.005% less energy. And anything's better than using those mainstream incandescent ones.
- How many amoebas does it take to change a lightbulb?
- One. No, two. No, four. No, eight...
- How many conductors does it take to change a lightbulb?
- We don't know; nobody ever watches the conductor.
- How many Vince McMahon's does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
- None. Lightbulb screwed lightbulb.
- Only one, but he needs to be careful, or this could get weird.
- How many time travelers does it take to change a light bulb?
- How many standardized tests does it take to change a light bulb?
- How many rabbits does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
- Two, but they can't both fit in a lightbulb.
- How many KH characters does it take to change a lightbulb?
- Thirty or more. One to change the bulb while everyone else fights over light and darkness.
- How many Sith does it take to change a lightbulb?
- None. Because they prefer to stay in the Dark Side.
- Alternatively: Always two; no more, no less.
- How many Pokemon characters does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
- I don't know, the number changes every year.
- How many babies does it take to screw in a light bulb?
- Beats me. No matter how many I toss up to the fixture, they never manage to complete the job.
- Alternate: What's a lightbulb?
- How many 90-pound weaklings does it take to change a light bulb?
- Just one. However, more might be needed to change a heavy bulb.
- How many prime numbers does it take to change a light bulb?
- How many lawyers does it take to change a lightbulb?
- How many can you afford?
- How many spliffs does it take to change a light bulb?
- However many it takes to get high enough.
- One for the Pokémon fanbase: How many Smogonites does it take to clean a counter?
- None, they don't know what a counter is.
- How many Smogon-haters does it take to fix a car?
- None, they can't tell if it's broken.
- How many Autobots does it take to change into a light bulb?
- How many violists does it take to change a lightbulb?
- None, they can't go that high.
- How many computer scientists does it take to change 257 lightbulbs?
knock knock jokes
- Knock, knock!
- Who's there?
- Doctor Who?
- Optional Reply
- Precisely. (Or: Please, it's just "The Doctor".)
- Knock, knock!
- Who's there?
- Knock knock!
- Knock knock.
- Who's there?
- Little old lady.
- Little old lady who?
- I didn't know you could yodel.
- Knock knock.
- Who's there?
- Interrupting Cow.
- Knock Knock.
- Who's there?
- Interrupting coefficient of friction.
- Knock Knock.
- Who's there?
- Interrupting Falcon.
- Interrupting F-
- Knock Knock.
- Who's there?
- Interrupting Kanye.
- Interruptin K-
- I'm really happy for you and I'mma let you finish, but this is one of the best knock knock jokes of all time!
- Knock knock
- Who's there?
- Interrupting Completely Uncalled For
- Interrupting Com-
- *hit them in the face and run away*
- Knock knock.
- Who's there?
- A kid with ADD.
- A kid wi-
- Knock Knock.
- Who's there?
- Moo Who?
- Make up your mind, are you a cow or an owl?
- Knock knock
- Who's there?
- Max who?
- Max wants to come in and go crazy!
- Zat is not very funny.
- It is if you know Max.
- Knock knock
- Who's there?
- Dead who?
- Knock knock
- Who's there?
- Interputing vuvu-
- Knock knock!
- Who's there?
- I eat mop.
- I eat mop who?
- Knock knock!
- Who's there?
- Interrupting rock!
- Interrupting rock who?
- Get it? Because rocks can't talk?
- (Alternate) Interrupting rock w—
- IT DOESN'T MATTER IF I'M INTERRUPTING!
- So this reporter gets a job hosting a radio show where he encourages people to call in with their jokes. But because it's live, he has to memorize all the jokes in the world so he can cut off any dirty ones before they get to the punchline. On his first night, a drunk calls in and says,
"Knock knock.""Who's there?""Argo."The reporter doesn't know any Argo jokes, so he says, "Argo who?""Arr, go fuck yourself!"The reporter is fired. Five years later he has managed to work his way back up and is hosting the same show again, but he's had five more years to memorize even more jokes and he's sure he won't be fooled again. The same drunk calls in again: "Knock knock.""Who's there?""Harold."This time the reporter is confident. He knows 133 Harold jokes, and all of them are above reproach. "Harold who?" he says."Arr, go fuck yourself!"
- Knock knock
Who's there?I know kungI know kung who?Sound it out
- Knock knock
Who's there?I'm a pile-up.I'm a pile-up who?Don't be so hard on yourself, buddy!
- Knock knock
Who's there?Irish stewIrish stew who?Irish stew in the name of the law!
- Knock knock
Who's there?Daisy.Daisy who?Daisy me rollin', they hatin'...(Alternate: Daisy me mowin', my front lawn...)
- Knock knock
Who's there?IrishIrish who?Irish I knew another knock knock joke!
- Knock knock
- Knock knock
Clint Eastwood who?
None of your damn business!
- Knock knock
The KGB who?
WE ASK THE QUESTIONS HERE!
- Knock knock
Me, my men, Dr. Pavel here, but only one of you!
You might wanna get comfy, we have a million of these...
- What do you call a lady with a toilet on her head?
- What do you call a lady with two toilets on her head?
- What do you call a guy lying on your front porch?
- What do you call a guy in a hot tub?
- What do you call a guy in a swimming pool?
- What do you call a guy hanging on a wall?
- What do you call his arms and legs?
- Pieces of Art.
- What do you call someone inside a wall?
- What do you call a girl who stands against the wall?
- What if she was Japanese?
- What if she was also Italian?
- What do you call a guy standing on the edge of the ocean with a seagull on his head?
- What do you call an epileptic in a pile of leaves?
- What do you call a guy with a rabbit up his arse?
- What do you call a guy with a shovel in his back?
- What do you call a guy without a shovel in his back?
- What do you call a guy ran over by a steamroller?
- A man walks into a bar in Montana. He gets drunk, stands on a table, and screams "Every last Democrat is a horse's ass!" Enraged, everyone else in the bar beats him up and throws him out into the street. The next week, he returns to the same bar, gets drunk again, stands on a table, and screams "Every last Republican is a horse's ass!" Again, the crowd beats him up and throws him out into the street. As he staggers away, he asks a passerby "Who are those people?" The response? "You don't understand, sir. This is horse country."
- The square root of negative one walks into a bar. He meets this lovely woman and asks the bartender to order a drink for her. He starts talking to her and finds her to be quite an interesting person. When he asks her if she wants to come to his apartment, what does she say? "With you? Get real."
- A pirate walks into a bar, with a steering wheel sticking out of his pants. The bartender notices the oddly placed gadget, and inquires, "Why do you have a steering wheel in the front of your pants?" The pirate replies, "Yarrr, it's drivin' me nuts!"
- A neutron walks into a bar and orders a drink. He asks the bartender how much it'll be. The bartender replies: "For you? No charge!"
- A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Why the long face?"
- Optional subversion: The horse replies "I've got AIDS."
- Sarah Jessica Parker walks into a bar. The bartender asks "Why the long face?"
- A rabbi, a Boy Scout, and the President of the United States all walk into a bar. The bartender looks at them and says, "What is this, some kind of joke?"
- A lady crab is walking along the beach one day when she sees a man crab. He's not walking sideways like the other crabs—he's walking in a straight line. Impressed with his talent, she asks him out on a date. However, when they meet the next evening for their date, he's walking sideways, like a normal crab! When she asks him why he's not walking forward any more, he says: "Oh, baby, I can't drink that much every day!"
- A priest, a pastor and a rabbit walk into a bar. The bartender looks at them and says, "I think someone committed a typo".
- Socrates walks into a bar. The bartender looks over and says, "What's your poison?"
- Shakespeare walked into a pub. The bartender said, "You can't come in here. You're Bard!"
- What did the rabbi say to the bartender?
- What are you asking me for? I figured that since you were closer to them you'd be able to understand them better. Sounded like they were talking about something interesting too.
- Two amoeba walk out of a bar. One amoeba says to the other, "Hey, is that the sun or the moon?" The other amoeba says, "I don't know, I don't live around here!"
- Wocka, wocka, wocka!
- Ladies and gentlemen, the Ultimate Geek Joke: A Jedi, a Bene Gesserit and a wizard of Unseen University walk into a bar just as it opens. The bartender's small child is taking the chairs down from the tables by just looking at them- he stares at each chair, it slides away from the table, flips right-side-up in midair, and slides into place at the table. Jaws drop all around.
- The Bene Gesserit exclaims, "You have the Kwisatz Haderach!"
- The Jedi, "You have The Chosen One who will bring balance to The Force!"
- The UU wizard says, "You have any Jimkin Bearhugger's whiskey?"
- A Brit, a Frenchman, and a Russian walk into a bar. So the rabbi says to the priest, "I think we're in the wrong joke!"
- Somewhere far above the Arctic Circle, a Finn and a Swede stump into a bar and plunk themselves down on the stools. The bartender sets them up with enormous mugs of beer, and they begin to drink. For six straight hours, they hammer them back, the defeated and drained mugs piling up around them. Then the Swede finishes the last of his current mug, raises it to the heavens, and thunders "Skål!" The enraged Finn slams his own empty mug down on the bar. "Did we come here to talk, or to drink?!?"
- A string walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Hey, we don't serve strings in here!" So he goes back out, loops his neck into itself, musses up his hair and goes back in. The bartender says, "Hey, aren't you that string I just kicked out of here?" The string says, "No, I'm a frayed knot!"
- A vampire walks into a bar. He tells the bartender, "I'll have a beer." The bartender asks, "What kind?" The vampire replies "Blood Lite."
- Alternate joke: Three vampires walk into a bar. One orders a glass of blood, one orders a blood lite, and the last orders a glass of hot water. The bartender looks at him and says "Why do you just want hot water?" the vampire looks at him, pulls out a bloody tampon and says "I'm making tea."
- A sandwich walks into a bar and says "I'll have some wine." The bartender says "We don't serve food here."
- Bacon and eggs walk into a bar, and the barman says "Sorry, we don't serve breakfast here."
- A guy walks into a bar. He's got a carrot in one ear, a stick of celery in the other ear and a hot dog up his nose. He sits down at the bar and says, "Man, I ain't feelin' so hot." The bartender says, "Well, I know what your problem is. You ain't eatin' right!"
- Why did the crossover writer cross the road?
- To change a light bulb in a bar.
- A blind man walks into a bar with his seeing-eye dog. He picks up the dogs by its hind legs and swings it in circles over his head. The bartender asks, "What are you doing?!" The blind man responds, "Don't mind me. I'm just looking around."
- A grasshopper walks into a bar. The bartender looks up and says, "Hey, there's a drink named after you." The grasshopper replies, "Really? There's a drink named Steve?"
- A farmer walks into a bar, followed by his cows. The bartender kicks the cows out and says to the farmer, "We don't serve your kine here."
- So, a dwarf walks out of a bar...
- A man walks into a bar and says "Ow."
- Then he says to the audience, "Don't tell anyone I was here, my wife thinks I quit."
- A German, a Frenchman and a Jew have been traveling together all day. When they get to the hotel they head straight for the bar. "I'm tired and thirsty," says the German. "I must have beer." "I'm tired and thirsty," says the Frenchman. "I must have wine." "I'm tired and thirsty," says the Jew. "I must have diabetes."
- Kant walks into the bar and sees Euclid. Knowing something about mathematics himself he decides to pull one over Euclid. He sits down and asks Euclid "What's the difference between a triangle and the Great Unthinking Masses?" Euclid pondered this for a few hours then gave up. Kant explained "A triangle has three valid points."
- Mr.Anderson walked into the bar, or did he?
- L and Light didn't go to the bar, being genre savvy they just went straight to bed.
- (Ring ring ring ring ring ring ring)
- Barman: Hello?
- Prankster: Hi, I'm looking for Amanda Huggenkiss.
- So this dyslexic guy walks into a bra....
- [Loud party in the background] "Why Hello Again, Officer... Come on in! When you left an hour ago, I thought you shaid you didn't wanna come back here again tonight!"
- A drunkard takes a leak by a lamp pole in the street. A policeman tries to reason with him: "Can't you see the latrine is just 25 feet away?" The drunkard replies: "Do you think I got me a damn fire hose in my pants here?"
- A duck walks into a bar and asks, "Got any grapes?" The bartender says, "No, sorry, this is a bar." The next day the same duck walks in again and asks, "Got any grapes?" The bartender says, "I told you yesterday, this is a bar." The next day, the duck is there again, and this time the bartender is really tired of seeing the duck, so he says, "We don't have fruit here! This is a bar! If you come in here again asking for grapes I'll nail your beak to the floor!" So the next day, the duck comes back, and asks, "Got any nails?" and the bartender says, "No, why?" and the duck says, "Got any grapes?"
- George R. R. Martin, Steven Moffat, and Joss Whedon walk into a bar. Everyone you ever loved dies.
- Once, in a bar in Russia, a man walked in with an alligator on a leash and loudly proclaimed "I'm the bravest man in this bar and I can prove it!" He snaps his fingers and the alligator opens its mouth. The man proceeds to pull down his pants and rest his balls in the gator's lower jaw for almost a minute. After he's zipped up and the gator closes its mouth, the man looks over the stunned faces of the patrons and meets the gaze of the largest man in the bar. "You think you're man enough do do that?" And the big guy says "Well, to be honest, I don't think I can open my mouth that wide."
- A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and orders "Pint please, and one for the road".
- A girl walks into a bar and asks for a double entendre - so the barman gives her one.
- Two scientists walk into a bar. One says, "I'll have H2O." The other says, "I'll have H2O, too." The second scientist dies.
- A clown walks into a bar and orders a gin and tonic. Then another clown walks up and orders the same thing. The barkeep thinks nothing of it, but then a third clown shows up, and a fourth, and before you know it he's served twenty-eight gin and tonics to twenty-eight clowns, and he's looking at the twenty-ninth. "Let me guess, gin and tonic?" The clown shakes his head. "Just water. I'm the designated driver."
- Bilingual Bar Joke. A knot theorist note walks into a bar. With him are a cow and a dog note . He orders whiskey for him and water for his company. Barkeep: "This is a bar and no zoo! Gitcha animals OUT!" The man, huffish: "Who you call animals! These are respected mathematicans who already published in JKTR note !" Barkeep: "Izzafact? OK. Deal. Cow and dog, name a knot invariant note and you'll get your drink!" The cow: "MU! MU!" The dog: "ARF! ARF!" note The Barkeep: "Thanks, I can troll myself!" And he gives the man a kick in the butt that he flies on the street. The animals follow him and the cow says to the dog with an inflictive look: "I told you he would like "Jones polynomial" note better!"
- A man walks into a bar and yells to the bartender, "Bartender, give me half a dozen double vodka tonics!" Curious, the bartender looked at him and said, "Sir, that is some serious drinking. Might I ask what happened?" With the glass halfway to his lips, the man replied, "today I discovered that my elder brother is gay!" The next day the man returns and ordered another half a dozen double vodka tonics. This time he replied, "today I learned that my younger brother is gay!". The day after that the man walks into the bar and orders a dozen double vodka tonics. "Good God man, does no one in your family fancy women?" Downing his first drink in one shot, the man looks the bartender in the eye and says, "yes. Apparently my wife does."
- An already-drunken man walks into a bar right as two amoeba, a dwarf, a cow and a dognote leave. He is surprised to see the square root of negative one, a pirate, a neutron, a horse, two rabbi, a typoed rabbit, a boy scout, the President, a priest, a pastor, Socrates, Shakespeare, a Jedi, a Bene Gesserit, an UU Wizard, a Brit, two Frenchmen, two Russians (one of them with his pet alligator), a Finn, a Swede, a frayed knot, a vampire, a living sandwich, a living platter of bacon and eggs, a crossover writer, a blind man with his seeing-eye dog, a grasshopper named Steve, a farmer whose cows were waiting outside, a German, a Jew, Kant, Euclid, a duck, three TV show creators, a live scientist, a dead scientist, five seemingly normal people (though one guy was carrying a roll of tarmac, and another had a hot dog up his nostril), twenty-nine clowns, a guy with far too many vodka tonics and possibly even Mr. Anderson. The bartender says, "Took ya long enough!"