History JustForFun / HeardAnyGoodJokesLately

19th Nov '17 2:53:17 PM Geoduck
Is there an issue? Send a Message


* A multi-part one:
** How do you catch a blue elephant ?
*** Use a blue-elephant trap.
** How do you catch a yellow elephant ?
*** Use a yellow-elephant trap.
** [[RuleOfThree How do you catch a green elephant ?]]
*** [[spoiler: Paint it yellow and use the yellow elephant trap !]]
** How do you catch a purple elephants with pink stripes ?
*** [[spoiler: Come on, you know very well that there is no such thing !]]



* Why do elephants paint their toenails red?
** So they can hide in cherry trees.
* Come on! Who's ever seen an elephant in a cherry tree?
** See how well it works?!
* Why do elephants have flat feet?
** From jumping out of cherry trees.
* How did Tarzan die?
** He was picking cherries.
* [[OverlyLongGag Why are pygmies so short?]]
** They hang out under cherry trees.
* What is the loudest sound in the Jungle?
** Giraffes eating cherries off the tree.



* How do you pass an elephant under a door?
** Put it inside an envelope and slide it under.
* And what if the envelop doesn't fit?
** Take out the stamp and try again.



* How do you kill a blue elephant?
** With a blue elephant gun.
* How do you kill a green elephant?
** Hold its nose until it turns blue and shoot it with the blue elephant gun.
* How do you kill a pink elephant?
** Paint it green, hold its nose until it turns blue, then shoot it with the blue elephant gun.
* How do you kill a yellow elephant?
** Tickle it pink, paint it green, hold its nose until it turns blue, then shoot it with a blue elephant gun.
* How do you kill a purple elephant?
** [[LoopholeAbuse There are no purple elephants.]]
*** [[Series/{{Bones}} That's because they're wrong.]]

* How do you get an elephant into the fridge?
** You open the door and put him in.
* Okay, but how do you get a giraffe into the fridge?
** You open the door, take out the elephant, and put in the giraffe.
* So, the entire animal kingdom is having a big 'ole party. Every single animal is there except for one who doesn't come. Which animal doesn't come?
** The giraffe. You left him in the fridge.
* You're standing on the edge of a river [[ExactWords inhabited]] by man-eating crocodiles. You must cross the river. How do you cross the river?
** You swim. All the crocodiles are at the party.



* What did the elephant do when it sat on Planck's constant?
** It broke the h-bar!



* Why do ducks have flat feet?
** To stamp out forest fires.
* Why do elephants have flat feet?
** To stamp out flaming ducks.



* An [[EldritchAbomination elephant]], a [[TheSmartGuy chicken]], a [[{{Zeerust}} log]], and a [[ImplacableMan spoon]] are in a bathtub together.
** The elephant says to the spoon:
*** "Pass the [[TearJerker soap]], please."
** And the spoon says:
*** "What do you think I am, a [[TimeyWimeyBall microwave]]?!"


Added DiffLines:

[[folder:Elephant Jokes]]

* A multi-part one:
** How do you catch a blue elephant ?
*** Use a blue-elephant trap.
** How do you catch a yellow elephant ?
*** Use a yellow-elephant trap.
** [[RuleOfThree How do you catch a green elephant ?]]
*** [[spoiler: Paint it yellow and use the yellow elephant trap !]]
** How do you catch a purple elephants with pink stripes ?
*** [[spoiler: Come on, you know very well that there is no such thing !]]

* Why do elephants paint their toenails red?
** So they can hide in cherry trees.
* Come on! Who's ever seen an elephant in a cherry tree?
** See how well it works?!
* Why do elephants have flat feet?
** From jumping out of cherry trees.
* How did Tarzan die?
** He was picking cherries.
* [[OverlyLongGag Why are pygmies so short?]]
** They hang out under cherry trees.
* What is the loudest sound in the Jungle?
** Giraffes eating cherries off the tree.

* How do you pass an elephant under a door?
** Put it inside an envelope and slide it under.
* And what if the envelope doesn't fit?
** Take out the stamp and try again
.
* How do you kill a blue elephant?
** With a blue elephant gun.
* How do you kill a green elephant?
** Hold its nose until it turns blue and shoot it with the blue elephant gun.
* How do you kill a pink elephant?
** Paint it green, hold its nose until it turns blue, then shoot it with the blue elephant gun.
* How do you kill a yellow elephant?
** Tickle it pink, paint it green, hold its nose until it turns blue, then shoot it with a blue elephant gun.
* How do you kill a purple elephant?
** [[LoopholeAbuse There are no purple elephants.]]
*** [[Series/{{Bones}} That's because they're wrong.]]

* How do you get an elephant into the fridge?
** You open the door and put him in.
* Okay, but how do you get a giraffe into the fridge?
** You open the door, take out the elephant, and put in the giraffe.

* So, the entire animal kingdom is having a big 'ole party. Every single animal is there except for one who doesn't come. Which animal doesn't come?
** The giraffe. You left him in the fridge.
* You're standing on the edge of a river [[ExactWords inhabited]] by man-eating crocodiles. You must cross the river. How do you cross the river?
** You swim. All the crocodiles are at the party.

* What did the elephant do when it sat on Planck's constant?
** It broke the h-bar!

* Why do ducks have flat feet?
** To stamp out forest fires.
* Why do elephants have flat feet?
** To stamp out flaming ducks.

* An [[EldritchAbomination elephant]], a [[TheSmartGuy chicken]], a [[{{Zeerust}} log]], and a [[ImplacableMan spoon]] are in a bathtub together.
** The elephant says to the spoon:
*** "Pass the [[TearJerker soap]], please."
** And the spoon says:
*** "What do you think I am, a [[TimeyWimeyBall microwave]]?!"

[[/folder]]
15th Oct '17 8:56:09 AM SeptimusHeap
Is there an issue? Send a Message


::: [[VideoGame/{{F-Zero}} -ALCON PAWNCH!]]

to:

::: [[VideoGame/{{F-Zero}} [[VideoGame/FZero -ALCON PAWNCH!]]
7th Oct '17 8:29:01 AM aegolius_acadicus
Is there an issue? Send a Message

Added DiffLines:

*"Mommy, Mommy, why do our family members die so fast?"
**"Mommy?"
4th Oct '17 5:23:40 PM VanHohenheimOfXerxes
Is there an issue? Send a Message


[[Memes/TheDarkKnightTrilogy The flight plan I just filed with the agency lists me, my men, Dr. Pavel here, but only one of you!]]

to:

[[Memes/TheDarkKnightTrilogy The flight plan I just filed with the agency lists me, Me, my men, Dr. Pavel here, but only one of you!]]
4th Oct '17 5:18:53 PM VanHohenheimOfXerxes
Is there an issue? Send a Message

Added DiffLines:


* Knock knock
-->Who's there?\\
CIA.\\
CIA who?\\
[[Memes/TheDarkKnightTrilogy The flight plan I just filed with the agency lists me, my men, Dr. Pavel here, but only one of you!]]
17th Sep '17 8:44:59 AM Malady
Is there an issue? Send a Message


* A mother takes her little son to the doctor for his annual check-up. After some time, he leaves the doctor's office with a little packet in his hand. "Doctor said I should take this." the boy explains desinterestedly.

to:

* A mother takes her little son to the doctor for his annual check-up. After some time, he leaves the doctor's office with a little packet in his hand. "Doctor said I should take this." the boy explains desinterestedly.disinterestedly.
6th Sep '17 1:10:52 AM TheEmmjay
Is there an issue? Send a Message

Added DiffLines:


*Three engineers are discussing the human body, trying to decide what kind of engineer God is.
**The first says, "God's a computer engineer. The brain is the most extraordinary computer ever designed."
**The second engineer says, "No, God's a mechanical engineer. The heart is an amazing pump, and then there are all the other organs, and the muscles..."
** The third replies, "I'm telling you, God's a civil engineer. Who else would route waste disposal through a recreational area?"


Added DiffLines:


* Knock knock
-->Who's there?\\
The KGB.\\
The KGB who?\\
WE ASK THE QUESTIONS HERE!
7th Aug '17 9:20:03 AM oldmanyoshi
Is there an issue? Send a Message


* A mother has three daughters. The first daughter comes to her mother and asks, "Why did you name me Lily?" Her mother tells her, "Because we put lily petals on your head when you were born." The second daughter comes to her mother and asks, "Why did you name me Rose?" Her mother tells her, "Because we put rose petals on your head when you were born." The third daughter comes to her mother and says, "SHFHDHDJDBFJSJ." Her mother says, [[TheUnfavorite "Not now, Brick."]]

to:

* A mother has three daughters. The first daughter comes to her mother and asks, "Why did you name me Lily?" Her mother tells her, "Because we put lily petals on your head when you were born." The second daughter comes to her mother and asks, "Why did you name me Rose?" Her mother tells her, "Because we put rose petals on your head when you were born." The third daughter comes to her mother and says, "SHFHDHDJDBFJSJ." Her mother says, [[TheUnfavorite [[HilariouslyAbusiveChildhood "Not now, Brick."]]
6th Aug '17 6:58:36 PM Miss_Desperado
Is there an issue? Send a Message


* On an airplane, a gentleman had made several attempts to get into the men's restroom, but it had always been occupied. The flight attendant noticed his predicament. She said that he could use the new prototype female restroom only if he promised not to touch any of the buttons on the wall. He went into the toilet, did what he needed to, and as he sat there, he noticed the buttons he had promised not to touch. Each button was identified by letters: WW, WA, PP, and ATR. Who would know if he touched them? He couldn't resist. He pushed WW. Warm water was sprayed gently upon his bottom. What a nice feeling, he thought. [[WondrousLadiesRoom Men's restrooms don't have nice things like this]]. Anticipating greater pleasure, he pushed the WA button. Warm air replaced the warm water, gently drying his underside. When this stopped, he pushed the PP button. A large powder puff caressed his bottom adding a fragile scent of spring flowers to this unbelievable pleasure. The ladies restroom was more than a restroom, it is tender loving pleasure. When the powder puff completed its pleasure, he couldn't wait to push the ATR button... Two weeks later he woke up in hospital. He buzzed for the nurse.\\

to:

* On an airplane, a gentleman had made several attempts to get into the men's restroom, but it had always been occupied. The flight attendant noticed his predicament.[[PottyEmergency predicament]]. She said that he could use the new prototype female restroom only if he promised not to touch any of the buttons on the wall. He went into the toilet, did what he needed to, and as he sat there, he noticed the buttons he had promised not to touch. Each button was identified by letters: WW, WA, PP, and ATR. [[WhatYouAreInTheDark Who would know if he touched them? them]]? [[CuriousAsAMonkey He couldn't resist. resist]]. He pushed [[WhatDoesThisButtonDo pushed]] WW. Warm water was sprayed gently upon his bottom. What a nice feeling, he thought. [[WondrousLadiesRoom Men's restrooms don't have nice things like this]]. Anticipating greater pleasure, he pushed the WA button. Warm air replaced the warm water, gently drying his underside. When this stopped, he pushed the PP button. A large powder puff caressed his bottom adding a fragile scent of spring flowers to this unbelievable pleasure. The ladies restroom was more than a restroom, it is tender loving pleasure. When the powder puff completed its pleasure, he couldn't wait to push the ATR button... Two weeks later he woke up in hospital. He buzzed for the nurse.\\




* What do you call a vampire monarch?
** A royal pain in the neck!



"Raining, you idiots!" Olph calls back, unpleasently.\\

to:

"Raining, you idiots!" Olph calls back, unpleasently.unpleasantly.\\


Added DiffLines:


* What do you call a gullible vampire?
** A sucker!

* One evening just after dusk, a flock of seven vampires arrived at a humongous hiking trail and announced to the ranger that they intended to go for a thirty-six-hour hike. The surprised ranger tried to discourage them, "I don't think that's a good idea. The end of the journey might be too intense for you." At the flock's insistence, the ranger gave them some distress signals just in case and reluctantly let them proceed. The very next morning, the ranger saw and heard the distress signals. Mounting his horse, he rode as fast as he could to the source of the distress signals - the vampire campsite. Looking around, the ranger saw five [[StrippedToTheBone charred skeletons]] lying in the [[WeakenedByTheLight sunlight]] next to five incomplete tents. Only two tents were complete.
-->'''Ranger''': Hey, are you okay in there?
-->'''Vampire''': We should have heeded your prophecy, O Wise and Powerful Soothsayer!
-->'''Ranger''': Soothsayer? Me? IWarnedYou the end of the journey would be too intense, but...
-->'''Vampire''': Exactly! Our journey ends with us two in tents!
16th Jul '17 9:51:17 AM nombretomado
Is there an issue? Send a Message


* A few weeks after the end of WW2, a Soviet soldier returns to his parents' farm somewhere in Siberia.

to:

* A few weeks after the end of WW2, [=WW2=], a Soviet soldier returns to his parents' farm somewhere in Siberia.
This list shows the last 10 events of 163. Show all.
http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/article_history.php?article=JustForFun.HeardAnyGoodJokesLately