History JustForFun / HeardAnyGoodJokesLately

22nd Jan '17 5:03:03 AM Geoduck
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* An already-drunken man walks into a bar right as two amoeba, a dwarf, a cow and a dog[[note]]or possibly a snake and an owl[[/note]] leave. He is surprised to see [[BrickJoke the square root of negative one, a pirate, a neutron, a horse, two rabbi, a typoed rabbit, a boy scout, the President, a priest, a pastor, Socrates, Shakespeare, a Jedi, a Bene Gesserit, an UU Wizard, a Brit, two Frenchmen, two Russians (one of them with his pet alligator), a Finn, a Swede, a frayed knot, a vampire, a living sandwich, a living platter of bacon and eggs, a crossover writer, a blind man with his seeing-eye dog, a grasshopper named Steve, a farmer whose cows were waiting outside, a German, a Jew, Kant, Euclid, a duck, three TV show creators, a live scientist, a dead scientist, five seemingly normal people (though one guy was carrying a roll of tarmac, and another had a hot dog up his nostril), twenty-nine clowns,]] [[OverlyLongGag and possibly even Mr. Anderson.]] The bartender says, "Took ya long enough!"




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* An already-drunken man walks into a bar right as two amoeba, a dwarf, a cow and a dog[[note]]or possibly a snake and an owl[[/note]] leave. He is surprised to see [[BrickJoke the square root of negative one, a pirate, a neutron, a horse, two rabbi, a typoed rabbit, a boy scout, the President, a priest, a pastor, Socrates, Shakespeare, a Jedi, a Bene Gesserit, an UU Wizard, a Brit, two Frenchmen, two Russians (one of them with his pet alligator), a Finn, a Swede, a frayed knot, a vampire, a living sandwich, a living platter of bacon and eggs, a crossover writer, a blind man with his seeing-eye dog, a grasshopper named Steve, a farmer whose cows were waiting outside, a German, a Jew, Kant, Euclid, a duck, three TV show creators, a live scientist, a dead scientist, five seemingly normal people (though one guy was carrying a roll of tarmac, and another had a hot dog up his nostril), twenty-nine clowns, a guy with far too many vodka tonics]] [[OverlyLongGag and possibly even Mr. Anderson.]] The bartender says, "Took ya long enough!"



17th Jan '17 3:18:48 PM BossKey
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* It's the school cross country at Foster State School. Several rivalling schools have come to compete with the students. Fortunately, grade 5 only has one kid from a rival school joining them. His name is Mike Bullet and is known for being a fast runner for a surprisingly young age. Sadly, the school hasn't been doing so well with most of the rival schools beating them in the races, but if grade 5 manages to win the race, Forest State School has a chance to catch up. The kids have no ideas, until one explains that he was fiddling around in his dad's shed. His dad works for the carnival and was in charge of balloons, so he would take a canister of helium every now and then to entertain his kid. The child was just in his shed playing with the helium tank, inflating balloons and letting them go. He puts it down, but forgets to turn it off. Thus, un-knowingly he steps on the hose with his pair of sneakers. The nozzle sticks right into them, inflating his shoes with helium. Scared, he turns the tank off. However, he notices something. He seems to run a bit quicker, with a slight amount of weight taken away via the helium inflated shoes. The child believes if they can find a way to inflate the other peoples shoes, they might have a chance. Essentially, the strategy is "[[Music/FosterThePeople All the other kids with their pumped up kicks better run, better run, faster then Mike Bullet.]]"

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* It's the school cross country at Foster State School. Several rivalling schools have come to compete with the students. Fortunately, grade 5 only has one kid from a rival school joining them. His name is Mike Bullet and is known for being a fast runner for a surprisingly young age. Sadly, the school hasn't been doing so well with most of the rival schools beating them in the races, but if grade 5 manages to win the race, Forest State School has a chance to catch up. The kids have no ideas, until one explains that he was fiddling around in his dad's shed. His dad works for the carnival and was in charge of balloons, so he would take a canister of helium every now and then to entertain his kid. The child was just in his shed playing with the helium tank, inflating balloons and letting them go. He puts it down, but forgets to turn it off. Thus, un-knowingly he steps on the hose with his pair of sneakers. The nozzle sticks right into them, inflating his shoes with helium. Scared, he turns the tank off. However, he notices something. He seems to run a bit quicker, with a slight amount of weight taken away via the helium inflated shoes. The child believes if they can find a way to inflate the other peoples shoes, they might have a chance. Essentially, the strategy is "[[Music/FosterThePeople All the other kids with their pumped up kicks better run, better run, faster then Mike Bullet.]]"




to:

* It's the school cross country at Foster State School. Several rivalling schools have come to compete with the students. Fortunately, grade 5 only has one kid from a rival school joining them. His name is Mike Bullet and is known for being a fast runner for a surprisingly young age. Sadly, the school hasn't been doing so well with most of the rival schools beating them in the races, but if grade 5 manages to win the race, Forest State School has a chance to catch up. The kids have no ideas, until one explains that he was fiddling around in his dad's shed. His dad works for the carnival and was in charge of balloons, so he would take a canister of helium every now and then to entertain his kid. The child was just in his shed playing with the helium tank, inflating balloons and letting them go. He puts it down, but forgets to turn it off. Thus, un-knowingly he steps on the hose with his pair of sneakers. The nozzle sticks right into them, inflating his shoes with helium. Scared, he turns the tank off. However, he notices something. He seems to run a bit quicker, with a slight amount of weight taken away via the helium inflated shoes. The child believes if they can find a way to inflate the other peoples shoes, they might have a chance. Essentially, the strategy is "[[Music/FosterThePeople All the other kids with their pumped up kicks better run, better run, faster then Mike Bullet.]]"
17th Jan '17 1:09:37 AM Scrounge
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** ''Alternative to the alternative'': Unplug it.


Added DiffLines:


* Alice: "I just watched the new trailer for ''WesternAnimation/TheLEGOBatmanMovie''."
** Bob: "I haven't had a chance to yet. How's it look?"
** Alice: "Like [[WesternAnimation/TheLEGOMovie the first one]], except with no sunlight."
11th Jan '17 9:19:44 AM MasterFuzzy
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** Alternatively: Always two; no more, no less.
3rd Jan '17 9:52:05 AM WildeOscar
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* Similarly, what did Spock find in the toilet?
** The Captain's log.
29th Dec '16 11:08:14 AM nombretomado
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* What do you get when DavidLynch directs a remake of ''Film/TheGodfather''?

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* What do you get when DavidLynch Creator/DavidLynch directs a remake of ''Film/TheGodfather''?
28th Dec '16 3:06:09 PM Twoeyesshort
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Added DiffLines:


-->[[AliceAndBob Alice:]] What's the difference between ignorance and apathy?
-->Bob: *shrugs* I dunno.
-->Alice: And I don't care.
12th Dec '16 3:57:34 PM Mechamorph2
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\n* A man walks into a bar and yells to the bartender, "Bartender, give me half a dozen double vodka tonics!" Curious, the bartender looked at him and said, "Sir, that is some serious drinking. Might I ask what happened?" With the glass halfway to his lips, the man replied, "today I discovered that my elder brother is gay!" The next day the man returns and ordered another half a dozen double vodka tonics. This time he replied, "today I learned that my younger brother is gay!". The day after that the man walks into the bar and orders a dozen double vodka tonics. "Good God man, does no one in your family fancy women?" Downing his first drink in one shot, the man looks the bartender in the eye and says, "yes. Apparently my wife does."

11th Dec '16 9:19:02 AM n3rd_d4sh
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Added DiffLines:


* It's the school cross country at Foster State School. Several rivalling schools have come to compete with the students. Fortunately, grade 5 only has one kid from a rival school joining them. His name is Mike Bullet and is known for being a fast runner for a surprisingly young age. Sadly, the school hasn't been doing so well with most of the rival schools beating them in the races, but if grade 5 manages to win the race, Forest State School has a chance to catch up. The kids have no ideas, until one explains that he was fiddling around in his dad's shed. His dad works for the carnival and was in charge of balloons, so he would take a canister of helium every now and then to entertain his kid. The child was just in his shed playing with the helium tank, inflating balloons and letting them go. He puts it down, but forgets to turn it off. Thus, un-knowingly he steps on the hose with his pair of sneakers. The nozzle sticks right into them, inflating his shoes with helium. Scared, he turns the tank off. However, he notices something. He seems to run a bit quicker, with a slight amount of weight taken away via the helium inflated shoes. The child believes if they can find a way to inflate the other peoples shoes, they might have a chance. Essentially, the strategy is "[[Music/FosterThePeople All the other kids with their pumped up kicks better run, better run, faster then Mike Bullet.]]"
14th Nov '16 11:45:35 AM 1810072342
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Added DiffLines:

* How many computer scientists does it take to change 257 lightbulbs?
** One.
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