History JustForFun / HeardAnyGoodJokesLately

17th Sep '17 8:44:59 AM Malady
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* A mother takes her little son to the doctor for his annual check-up. After some time, he leaves the doctor's office with a little packet in his hand. "Doctor said I should take this." the boy explains desinterestedly.

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* A mother takes her little son to the doctor for his annual check-up. After some time, he leaves the doctor's office with a little packet in his hand. "Doctor said I should take this." the boy explains desinterestedly.disinterestedly.
6th Sep '17 1:10:52 AM TheEmmjay
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*Three engineers are discussing the human body, trying to decide what kind of engineer God is.
**The first says, "God's a computer engineer. The brain is the most extraordinary computer ever designed."
**The second engineer says, "No, God's a mechanical engineer. The heart is an amazing pump, and then there are all the other organs, and the muscles..."
** The third replies, "I'm telling you, God's a civil engineer. Who else would route waste disposal through a recreational area?"


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* Knock knock
-->Who's there?\\
The KGB.\\
The KGB who?\\
WE ASK THE QUESTIONS HERE!
7th Aug '17 9:20:03 AM oldmanyoshi
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* A mother has three daughters. The first daughter comes to her mother and asks, "Why did you name me Lily?" Her mother tells her, "Because we put lily petals on your head when you were born." The second daughter comes to her mother and asks, "Why did you name me Rose?" Her mother tells her, "Because we put rose petals on your head when you were born." The third daughter comes to her mother and says, "SHFHDHDJDBFJSJ." Her mother says, [[TheUnfavorite "Not now, Brick."]]

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* A mother has three daughters. The first daughter comes to her mother and asks, "Why did you name me Lily?" Her mother tells her, "Because we put lily petals on your head when you were born." The second daughter comes to her mother and asks, "Why did you name me Rose?" Her mother tells her, "Because we put rose petals on your head when you were born." The third daughter comes to her mother and says, "SHFHDHDJDBFJSJ." Her mother says, [[TheUnfavorite [[HilariouslyAbusiveChildhood "Not now, Brick."]]
6th Aug '17 6:58:36 PM Miss_Desperado
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* On an airplane, a gentleman had made several attempts to get into the men's restroom, but it had always been occupied. The flight attendant noticed his predicament. She said that he could use the new prototype female restroom only if he promised not to touch any of the buttons on the wall. He went into the toilet, did what he needed to, and as he sat there, he noticed the buttons he had promised not to touch. Each button was identified by letters: WW, WA, PP, and ATR. Who would know if he touched them? He couldn't resist. He pushed WW. Warm water was sprayed gently upon his bottom. What a nice feeling, he thought. [[WondrousLadiesRoom Men's restrooms don't have nice things like this]]. Anticipating greater pleasure, he pushed the WA button. Warm air replaced the warm water, gently drying his underside. When this stopped, he pushed the PP button. A large powder puff caressed his bottom adding a fragile scent of spring flowers to this unbelievable pleasure. The ladies restroom was more than a restroom, it is tender loving pleasure. When the powder puff completed its pleasure, he couldn't wait to push the ATR button... Two weeks later he woke up in hospital. He buzzed for the nurse.\\

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* On an airplane, a gentleman had made several attempts to get into the men's restroom, but it had always been occupied. The flight attendant noticed his predicament.[[PottyEmergency predicament]]. She said that he could use the new prototype female restroom only if he promised not to touch any of the buttons on the wall. He went into the toilet, did what he needed to, and as he sat there, he noticed the buttons he had promised not to touch. Each button was identified by letters: WW, WA, PP, and ATR. [[WhatYouAreInTheDark Who would know if he touched them? them]]? [[CuriousAsAMonkey He couldn't resist. resist]]. He pushed [[WhatDoesThisButtonDo pushed]] WW. Warm water was sprayed gently upon his bottom. What a nice feeling, he thought. [[WondrousLadiesRoom Men's restrooms don't have nice things like this]]. Anticipating greater pleasure, he pushed the WA button. Warm air replaced the warm water, gently drying his underside. When this stopped, he pushed the PP button. A large powder puff caressed his bottom adding a fragile scent of spring flowers to this unbelievable pleasure. The ladies restroom was more than a restroom, it is tender loving pleasure. When the powder puff completed its pleasure, he couldn't wait to push the ATR button... Two weeks later he woke up in hospital. He buzzed for the nurse.\\




* What do you call a vampire monarch?
** A royal pain in the neck!



"Raining, you idiots!" Olph calls back, unpleasently.\\

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"Raining, you idiots!" Olph calls back, unpleasently.unpleasantly.\\


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* What do you call a gullible vampire?
** A sucker!

* One evening just after dusk, a flock of seven vampires arrived at a humongous hiking trail and announced to the ranger that they intended to go for a thirty-six-hour hike. The surprised ranger tried to discourage them, "I don't think that's a good idea. The end of the journey might be too intense for you." At the flock's insistence, the ranger gave them some distress signals just in case and reluctantly let them proceed. The very next morning, the ranger saw and heard the distress signals. Mounting his horse, he rode as fast as he could to the source of the distress signals - the vampire campsite. Looking around, the ranger saw five [[StrippedToTheBone charred skeletons]] lying in the [[WeakenedByTheLight sunlight]] next to five incomplete tents. Only two tents were complete.
-->'''Ranger''': Hey, are you okay in there?
-->'''Vampire''': We should have heeded your prophecy, O Wise and Powerful Soothsayer!
-->'''Ranger''': Soothsayer? Me? IWarnedYou the end of the journey would be too intense, but...
-->'''Vampire''': Exactly! Our journey ends with us two in tents!
16th Jul '17 9:51:17 AM nombretomado
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* A few weeks after the end of WW2, a Soviet soldier returns to his parents' farm somewhere in Siberia.

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* A few weeks after the end of WW2, [=WW2=], a Soviet soldier returns to his parents' farm somewhere in Siberia.
8th Jul '17 7:55:45 PM oldmanyoshi
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* A mother has three daughters. The first daughter comes to her mother and asks, "Why did you name me Lily?" Her mother tells her, "Because we put Lily petals on your head when you were born." The second daughter comes to her mother and asks, "Why did you name me Rose?" Her mother tells her, "Because we put rose petals on your on head when you were born." The third daughter comes to her mother and says, "SHFHDHDJDBFJSJ." Her mother says, [[TheUnfavorite "Not now, Brick."]]

to:

* A mother has three daughters. The first daughter comes to her mother and asks, "Why did you name me Lily?" Her mother tells her, "Because we put Lily lily petals on your head when you were born." The second daughter comes to her mother and asks, "Why did you name me Rose?" Her mother tells her, "Because we put rose petals on your on head when you were born." The third daughter comes to her mother and says, "SHFHDHDJDBFJSJ." Her mother says, [[TheUnfavorite "Not now, Brick."]]
8th Jul '17 7:53:35 PM oldmanyoshi
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Added DiffLines:


* A mother has three daughters. The first daughter comes to her mother and asks, "Why did you name me Lily?" Her mother tells her, "Because we put Lily petals on your head when you were born." The second daughter comes to her mother and asks, "Why did you name me Rose?" Her mother tells her, "Because we put rose petals on your on head when you were born." The third daughter comes to her mother and says, "SHFHDHDJDBFJSJ." Her mother says, [[TheUnfavorite "Not now, Brick."]]
18th Jun '17 6:26:45 PM anonymousAmethyst
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* A bus driver in London stops at a bus stop to see a man with three heads, no arms and one leg. "'Ello, 'ello, 'ello!" the bus driver says "You look 'armless enough, hop aboard!"

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* A bus driver in London stops at a bus stop to see a man with three heads, no arms arms, and one leg. "'Ello, 'ello, 'ello!" the bus driver says "You look 'armless enough, hop aboard!"



* Larry the Lobster and Sam the Clam were best friends all their lives. Sadly, while Larry was virtuous and good and ascended to heaven when he died, Sam succumbed to sin and temptation and was banished to hell. Arriving in heaven, Larry was issued his harp, halo and wings. Heaven was great, of course, and Larry spent a few millennia lolling around in perfect bliss on his assigned cloud, but then he started to miss Sam. Finally he went to St. Peter and asked if there was any way he could see Sam again. St. Peter replied that while it was somewhat unusual, it could be done, and issued Larry a day-pass to go down to hell, warning him to be back before it expired. Larry got on the endless escalator and descended into the fiery depths. Arriving in hell, he reunited with Sam, who was happy to see his old friend. It turned out that Sam had done fairly well for himself, working his down through the ranks, and had finally been put in charge of running hell's disco, where the condemned were forced to boogie all through eternity. They went to the disco, and had so much fun that Larry lost track of time. He finally realized he had to go, bid Sam a hasty farewell, and zipped back up the escalator. St. Peter met him at the gate, saying Larry had gotten back just in time, but.. "Larry, where is your harp?" "Oh, no!" cried Larry. "I left my harp in Sam Clam's disco!!"

to:

* Larry the Lobster and Sam the Clam were best friends all their lives. Sadly, while Larry was virtuous and good and ascended to heaven when he died, Sam succumbed to sin and temptation and was banished to hell. Arriving in heaven, Larry was issued his harp, halo halo, and wings. Heaven was great, of course, and Larry spent a few millennia lolling around in perfect bliss on his assigned cloud, but then he started to miss Sam. Finally Finally, he went to St. Peter and asked if there was any way he could see Sam again. St. Peter replied that while it was somewhat unusual, it could be done, and issued Larry a day-pass to go down to hell, warning him to be back before it expired. Larry got on the endless escalator and descended into the fiery depths. Arriving in hell, he reunited with Sam, who was happy to see his old friend. It turned out that Sam had done fairly well for himself, working his down through the ranks, and had finally been put in charge of running hell's disco, where the condemned were forced to boogie all through eternity. They went to the disco, disco and had so much fun that Larry lost track of time. He finally realized he had to go, bid Sam a hasty farewell, and zipped back up the escalator. St. Peter met him at the gate, saying Larry had gotten back just in time, but..but... "Larry, where is your harp?" "Oh, no!" cried Larry. "I left my harp in Sam Clam's disco!!"



*** [[WelcomeToCorneria How many NPCs does it take to change a light bulb?]]

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*** [[WelcomeToCorneria [[RuleOfThree How many NPCs does it take to change a light bulb?]]



** Beats me. [[BlackComedy No matter how many I toss up to the fixure, they never manage to complete the job.]]

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** Beats me. [[BlackComedy No matter how many I toss up to the fixure, fixture, they never manage to complete the job.]]
30th May '17 5:38:36 PM nombretomado
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** If you get this, you probably read TVTropes too much.

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** If you get this, you probably read TVTropes Wiki/TVTropes too much.



The Troper says: "You're both wrong. It's best to have both so that when you're away, the wife will assume that you're with the mistress and the mistress will assume you're with your wife, giving you plenty of time to edit TVTropes!"

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The Troper says: "You're both wrong. It's best to have both so that when you're away, the wife will assume that you're with the mistress and the mistress will assume you're with your wife, giving you plenty of time to edit TVTropes!"
Wiki/TVTropes!"
28th May '17 12:35:19 AM Ccook1956
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* How does a woman make her husband roar like a wild animal while making love?
** She calls him on the phone and tells him where she is.
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