- All of the Hilarious Outtakes.
Harry: I have no idea what I'm supposed to say!
- Of note from season 2: The repeated takes of Mary entering Dick's office to tell him something, and John Lithgow repeatedly cracking up at the fart noise that Mary emits in "Same Old Song and Dick".
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- Brains and Eggs: When the aliens arrive at the Dean's faculty party:
Hostess: Won't you come in?
Sally: If you'll back up.
Nina: Nice dress.
- Sally and Nina's first exchange:
Sally: It's just something I threw on.
Nina: Yeah. Well, you almost missed. (walks away)
Dick: I want to try again. I want very much to feel, and I want, even more, to be felt, and I mean that from the heart of my bottom.
- This exchange, when Dick tries to apologize:
Mary: Well... yours up.
- Sally using Techno Babble to describe various snacks at a party, then simply calling a cocktail weenie a cocktail weenie. Followed up by Harry mentioning that he's seen them before, and that they should be bigger.
- No doubt the funniest gag of the pilot: As the Solomons leave the party, Dick is kissed on the cheek by Mrs. Sumner. Dick retaliates by slapping her. Note
- Post Nasal Dick: The Solomons are sick. Sally prepares chicken soup, and instead of eating it, Harry sticks his feet in the pot.
- Dick's toast at the wedding: "I think I speak for everyone when I say that the most beautiful, radiant woman in the room is NOT the bride, but Mary Albright!"
- Dick's First Birthday: Dick's leather pants.
- Then he leaves, offended by the age joke in Mary's birthday card - squeeeeeksqueeeeeeksqueeeeeksqueeeeek...
- In "Dick is From Mars, Sally is From Venus," Dick has had enough with everyone's problems.
"I try to mold us into a family that will blend in, and what do I get? A surly teenager, a sister obsessed with a man, and a brother who drinks too much! Is there any other family in the whole like this?! I don't think so!"
Dick: "When beetles fight these battles in a bottle with their paddles and the bottle's on a poodle and the poodle's eating noodles...they call this a muddle puddle tweetle poodle beetle noodle bottle paddle battle." (slowly closes book, looks at cover) This man is a genius.
- The parent/teacher conference over Tommy's refusal to climb the rope in gym class.
Dick: Since when did my son become my responsibility? I mean, you're the ones who are falling down on the job. You're supposed to educating him! Knowledge is the only chance this planet has for survival. One day, you're gonna have to find someone to pull your butts out of the collective butts out of the cosmic pliers and all you'll have to pick from are a bunch of rope climbers!
Teacher: Solomon, I think you're avoiding the real problem: the home environment.
Dick: Well, of course I'm avoiding it! It's full of crazy people!
- At a bar, Mary encourages Sally to deal with her pain over Brad not calling her by "letting it out." Sally responds by screaming at the top of her lungs.
"That really helped."
- We find Dick reading through a physics textbook, laughing his ass off. Then he pulls out the Dr. Seuss...
DICK: The people on this planet will swallow anything.
- Not just any physics book - it's A Brief History of Time.
- The parent/teacher conference over Tommy's refusal to climb the rope in gym class.
- In "Dick, Smoker", when Dick is kicked outside to smoke:
Dick: Mrs. Cross, you smoke, too?
Mrs. Cross: (extremely low and gravely voice) It comes as a surprise to many people.
- Dick, after being told smoking will take years off his life:
Sally: Tommy, I'm hereby placing you under house arrest.
- With Dick missing, Sally has to go to Tommy's school and get lectured about Tommy's bad behavior. She disciplines him:
Teacher: I just thought counseling-
Sally: Your rations will be cut in half. You will report to calisthenics at 0500, sharp.
Tommy: Could I be placed in a foster home or something?
Sally: I'm his mother. I'll handle him.
Teacher: I thought you were his sister.
Sally: Sister, mother, whatever.
Tommy: (on their way out) I think you're actually my aunt.
Harry: (to teacher) In our family, it's kind of hard to tell.
- A sexist mechanic refuses to take Sally seriously and keeps wisecracking with Tommy and Harry instead. How does she get his attention? By grabbing a wrench and crushing his scrotum. Also a Crowning Moment of Awesome for Sally.
- In the same scene, when Sally informs the mechanic that it's her car and that he should be talking to her, Harry confirms: "She's right. I just stand here and nod."
- Green-Eyed Dick: One particular moment:
Dick: You think you're pretty clever, don't you? I happen to know that every word in your book was published years ago. Perhaps you've read... the dictionary!
- Then he challenges him for "the woman that we both love" (referring to Mary), only for Jeff to go to his wife, and accuse her of cheating on him. She denies ever having met Dick, only for Jeff's brother to step in and declare that he's the one she's been cheating on him with, and the situation devolves from there.
- Same episode: Dick has a dog treat in his hand and makes kissy/whistling noises. At Mary.
- Lonely Dick: After Mary spends a weekend away, an overjoyed Dick runs to her in slow motion. It leads to Mary trying to crawl away from Dick on the floor as he glomps her, all the while Nina's hitting him with a newspaper. It must be seen to be believed.
- Especially the part where it wasn't filmed in slo-mo - the actors did it all themselves. See for yourself.
- Body & Soul & Dick: After an obnoxious professor dies at a party being held in his honor, Sally and Harry freak because Sally thinks she killed him considering she threatened to rip his eyes out after he made a pass at her. Dick is livid, and mentions that Mary also wanted the guy dead but did she kill him? No, because she's a lady. Meanwhile, Mary is chugging down one martini after another to deal with the fact that she wished the guy was dead.
- Some time later, and with no explanation given, Harry somehow stole the professor's corpse from the mortuary because he wanted someone to talk to. Even more amazing in that the aliens somehow managed to get the body back with no one the wiser.
- Ab-dick-ted: When Mary's brother Roy comes to visit her at work and runs into Nina.
Roy: Gosh, you don't sound black on the phone...
Nina: *Beat* It's just something I picked up in spy school.
Tommy: You know, August finds us quite charming in our naive determination to stay together.
- The aliens are discovering some of the frustrations of human family life. Dick and Sally are arguing and Tommy comes into the kitchen.
[Tommy drinks from milk carton]
Dick: You tell your little girlfriend August to mind her own business!
Sally: Yeah, and don't drink out of the milk carton!
[Tommy loudly spits milk back into carton]
- "Truth or Dick": Dick interrupting an argument about the nature of truth with Mary in "Truth or Dick" to hunt down the fly he'd been trying to swat at the beginning of the episode. He tracks it down to Mary's desk, only for her to bugspray it.
Tommy: What's your secret?
- Tommy laments in "Truth Or Dick" about how he can grow a pimple, but not a mustache. Then asks Mrs. Dubcek:
Dick: What are you doing?Sally: Lying. You like it?
- Sally suddenly starts to flatter and praise Dick, then...
- "The Art of Dick": Dick tries to draw an apple on the chalkboard but subconsciously segues into writing out a physics formula before he can finish. When he notices, he shouts "DAMN!!!"
Dick: Prepare to meet... YOUR MUSE!!! (disrobes to his birthday suit; gives a naughty face to Mary)
- Dick decides to support Harry's gift of painting by being the model for the art class he's taking. It's done in the most hilarious way possible:
Harry: ...I'm gonna need more pink.
- Frozen Dick: Dick's first time on airplane, along with Mary, ended with him freaking out over "something on the wing" which was actually the engine. The plane hadn't even taken off and Dick's outburst led to the two of them being kicked off.
- Angry Dick: Dick's Failed Attempt at Drama after an argument with a neighbour. "Fine! We can tell when we're not wanted!" He storms out. Harry, Tommy and Sally don't move. Dick comes back. "We're not wanted." They get it and follow him.
- I Enjoy Being a Dick: Dick dresses as a woman to infiltrate Mary's study group. Meanwhile, Tommy considers telling August that he's an alien.
Tommy: I can't stand this anymore, I've got to tell you something and you're not going to believe this at first and it might even make you sick. It's about my family.
[cue Dick running into the room in drag]
Dick: Well, that was a wash! [takes off shoes and wig] The woman I love won't let me be a woman! I need some herbal tea and a fat free cookie.
[Dick exits, leaving August looking horrified]
Tommy: Listen, August, what I needed to tell you is that -
August: Don't speak, Tommy... don't speak.
[she hugs him]
- "Dick Like Me": Sally's comically horrible dancing.
Harry: Wow. You suck.
- In "Assault With A Deadly Dick," Dick takes Mary down to the station to identify his mugger from earlier in the episode - but not before Getting Crap Past the Radar in spectacular fashion.
Officer Don: Okay, Mr. Solomon, it's time to finger your perp.
Dick: [pointing at Mary] Believe me, I've tried, but she just won't let me!
Mrs. Dubcek: You go down to the station, you ask for officer Franco, an Italian gentlemen, very nice. He came right over when my boyfriend got beat up in my living room.
- In the same episode, Dick chewing a ton of Bazooka Joe bubble gum and spitting out the huge wad when Mary enters the room, grossing her out.
- When Mrs. Dubcek learns that the Solomons had their car stereo stolen:
Dick: Your boyfriend got beat up in your own house?
Mrs. Dubcek: Yeah. Well, my husband didn't care for him.
- Father Knows Dick: When Harry first found out about the "thing in his head", Dick assures him that "it's not in the part you use — it's in your brain."
- "See Dick Run": This bit on Dick and Mary's date:
Dick: Dr. Albright! Your hand is on my knee!
Mary: Do you want me to move it?
Dick: Please! (Mary takes her hand off his leg) No, I meant, move it around. (Mary puts her hand back)
Dick: My God... HE'S TURNED ME INTO A MIIIIIME!
- When Evil Dick has trapped Dick inside a very small, invisible force field:
Evil Dick: Let daddy drive. (grabs Mary and kisses her passionately)
- The final words of season 1:
- See Dick Continue to Run: The Running Gag of Evil Dick kissing everyone passionately, including Nina and Mrs. Dubcek.
Evil Dick: (phone rings) What do you want? (ring) What do you WANT?! (ring) Stop it. (ring) STOP IT! (phone stops; Evil Dick looks smugly satisfied)
- Evil Dick baffled by a ringing telephone:
Evil Dick: Tommy! Tommy! Tommy!
- "When you're thinking of giant heads, think of the BIG Giant Head."
- Evil Dick renames Harry and Sally "Tommy". Later in the episode, he calls everyone:
- See Dick Continue to Run, Continued: Evil Dick and Mary sensually feed food to each other. Evil Dick takes it too far by stuffing a whole piece of pie in Mary's mouth.
Harry: Looks like he's pluggin' her pie hole. I think she likes it, Dick.
Tommy: Why aren't you helping him?
- When Dick and Evil Dick are fighting:
Harry/Sally: Which one?
Evil Dick: Stay and witness my moment of glory, as I impregnate the entire population of Ohio with my demon progeny.
- When Evil Dick reveals his evil plan, Tommy, Sally, and Harry poke holes in it immediately:
Tommy: Waitwaitwait, even the men?
Evil Dick: Okay, not the men.
Sally: Not little girls.
Evil Dick: Uh, no, not them.
Tommy: Wait, what about elderly women?
Evil Dick: No, I don't think so.
Harry: What about women who are already pregnant?
Evil Dick: Oh shut up, all of you! Okay, so apparently, I won't be impregnating the entire population of Ohio, but all fertile women of child-bearing age who are NOT currently pregnant, and that's a LOT, we're talking LOTS of women here, will soon find themselves now pregnant by me.
- Hotel Dick: Tommy, Harry, and Sally pawning their huge hotel bill off on an unsuspecting George Takei, who confronts the front desk clerk:
George: $3,000?... Well, that's all right. I can afford it. I'm a famous actor.
Clerk: I'm sorry. That's $30,000, Mr. Takei.
George: Oh, my! (after the Carsey-Werner logo) Fourteen bottles of champagne, shrimp cocktails, hummus on pita tips? Look, I had a toblerone and two ginger ales. That's it! Seven massages? How could I get seven massages? Do I look relaxed? Do I?!
Clerk: (opens his suitcase) What's this?
George: All right, so I took one towel. One towel! I'm George Takei, damn it!
- Big Angry Virgin from Outer Space: Dick suggests a movie to get Sally in the mood for Mr. Randall:
Sally: Homeward Bound. Is this supposed to help?
Dick: Couldn't hurt. The scene where the cat falls off the wet log... (makes a satisfied face) You'll notice that part of the tape is a little worn.
- World's Greatest Dick: "Tommy's father, Dr. Dick Solomon, physics Professor at nearby Pendleton university, reminds people that genius is 1% perspiration and 99% brilliant father."
Dick: Tommy didn't even want to come to this robot factory outlet. I made him. ME, ME, MEEE! And now I'm putting him back in a real school where he can be himself, the kind of school where kids aren't judged on how well they test or how much they know, where they aren't judged at ALL! Where they have the freedom to stay faceless and nameless from K through 12, carrying their diplomas straight through the golden arches and on into their waiting McJobs!
- Dick quizzing Tommy on various subjects: Physics in Russian; famous ontologists in Greek; Complete Huang Po's classic couplet of love and betrayal. And yes, they speak in different languages to each other for each one.
- "Remember to phrase your answer in the form of an answer."
- When Dick is banned from the Pickney school for his behavior during the knowledge bowl:
Sally: Remember when we said that two sexes must be so limiting? I think Glenn found a loophole.
- In the subplot, Sally dates a guy named Glenn who thinks she's a man. When he discovers the truth and leaves her ("Oh Sally, you ARE a woman."), Sally shouts, "What did you THINK I was?!" and her face goes through a lot of emotions in only ten seconds when it sinks in.
- The debut of Pepper at the end of "My Mother the Alien". After Dick lets the leash go, it immediately starts humping Mary's leg, even as she tries to retreat up the stairs.
Dick: He loves you, Mary!
Sally: (to Dick, angrily) There you are! (to toddler, sweetly) There you are. (to Dick, angrily) I'll deal with you, (to toddler, sweetly) as soon as I deal with you, sweetie. Come on, honey. (to Dick, growling) COME ON, DICK!
- The baby food scene. Featuring Joseph Gordon Levitt visibly cracking up.
- Harry in the toy store, touching everything he walks past: "I want that, I want that, I want that, I want that..." until he's slapped in the head by Sally.
- When Sally finds Dick, who had stolen the toddler she was babysitting:
- Dick the Vote: When Dick turns on the TV to see Harry "protesting" in the park: "You're wearing my shirt. My shirt's on television!"
Gansmiller: (to Mary) I don't know if you're old enough to vote.
- This bit:
Dick: Yes, she is. She's 44.
- "Vote Harry S. Solomon. The "s" stands for know-how. (audience is understandably confused) I'm sorry, Snow-how."
- When Gansmiller fails to find any dirt on Harry, Don muses, "You know, it's almost as if he were... Amish."
- Harry aping Bill Clinton's catchphrase: "Dick, you're not gonna vote for me? Well that hurts. And I know... because I feel your pain."
- After the misunderstanding that Harry is in the mob, everyone in Dick's class is deathly afraid of him. At one point, Dick pulls something out of his briefcase and everyone screams.Note
- Dick sitting on his cannoli.
- When Harry loses the city council election, he turns around: "I'd like to thank you all for supporting- (nobody is behind him) all righty."
- From Jolly Old St. Dick:
- While choosing Secret Santa for the office Dick picks Judith and is ANYTHING but subtle about it.
- Harry working as an elf for a Mall Santa, where he describes it as a winter wonderland for children "one to ninety-one".
Harry: Oh, um, please note that children 16 to 91 should not sit on Santa's lap.Dick (standing in line): DAMN!
- Dick decides to get a Christmas tree and arrives in a man's front lawn.
Man: Hey, buddy, can I help you?
Dick: No thank you. I have a chainsaw. Merry Christmas!
(as Dick starts cutting, sirens sound and lights flash)
Dick: Merry Christmas, officer!
- "Have you ever felt a taser? Not nearly as much fun as it looks."
- And then, in a glorious bit of Comedic Sociopathy, he chases carolers off his lawn by throwing Christmas decorations at them.
- Proud Dick: Dick quits his job because he doesn't get a cushy parking space like Mary. So he goes to work at Rusty's, a fast food restaurant. One of the customers asks:
Customer: How do you make your burgers?
Dick: Excellent question. First a clamp comes down onto the cow's head, forcing it onto a conveyor belt, where a prod is inserted into the cow's rectum, electrocuting it.
Customer: ...Give me two.
Harry: Hello. I've been awake for 16 days.
- Bug and Pittman take glee in Dick's new position, and rate the performance of their server. They say in unison: "F!"
- Dick is forced to say "Would you like a fried pie with that?" with every order.
- Sally goes budget grocery shopping and picks up food in little cans, with flavors like "tuna, liver, and new seafood blend for you finicky types." As usual, everyone is clueless ("You're feeding us cat?" "It's not cat, Tommy, there's just a picture of a cat on the label.") until Mary points it out during an argument with Dick over quitting his job: "Your son is eating CAT FOOD!"
- Harry suffers amnesia during a tornado and forgets that he's an alien, but finds out that the Solomons are, and becomes a paranoid wreck the entire episode. At one point he grabs Mary and pulls her into the closet:
Mary: That must be a record.
Harry: So, I've got to know, are you one of them?
Mary: I'm just going to step out of this closet now.
Harry: If you are who you say you are, then who won the world series in 1956? (rapidly turning the lightbulb on and off) Huh? Huh? Who? Who? Huh? Huh?
Mary: I don't know!
Harry: (overjoyed) I don't know either!!!
Dick: (lying on the floor at Dewey's feet) Please! Please take me back!
- Dick begging the president to have his job back.
Dewey: Sorry, can't do it.
Dick: Please! Please! I'll do anything! Just name it!
Dewey: You can apologize.
Dick: (briefly stands on his knees, seemingly indignant) You want me to APOLOGIZE?!
Dick: (at Dewey's feet again) I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry!
Dewey: Fine, you can begin tomorrow.
Dick: (briefly back on his knees) In my new parking spot? (Dewey stares) I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry!
- "Romeo & Juliet & Dick": Every scene of Dick acting like a Prima Donna Director. Particularly:
Dick: Now, everyone watch once again as I act out the play in its entirety. (the actors groan)
- Harry posing as Mrs. Dubcek.
- "Dick on One Knee": This exchange:
Mary: I heard the news. Wow! It happened so suddenly.
Dick: Cut to the chase, Mary. Sally, she thinks you're crazy.
Mary: No, I didn't say that. It's— it's just that I'm concerned. I want the best for you and this all happened so quickly.
Sally: Mary, you are so transparent. You're jealous.
Dick: You ARE!
Sally: Yeah. You are! You wanna get married too.
Dick: You do!
Mary: Well sure, when I'm ready.
Sally: And you don't think I'm ready?
Mary: Well, I just think you should wait.
Sally: Until when? I'm middle-aged and I have to walk out of the bedroom backwards so my husband won't see my ripply butt?
Dick: Mary! That's what you do!
Dick: And they wonder why old downtown Rutherford is dead. You can't get into the stores!
- Dick goes to a wedding ring shop but can't get in because he keeps pushing open the locked door just as the owner tries to unlock the door, offsetting the lock.
- Sally's ridiculously long wedding gown train.
- When the wedding is called off, Mary lights up a cigarette right in the chapel.
- "I Brake For Dick." August storms out on Tommy for the zillionth time, leading to this Take That, Scrappy! moment:
Tommy: I don't understand her.
Sally: What's to understand? Kill her and get a new one.
Harry: No no no no no, you can't do that. See, you get a new one first. Then you kill her!
Dick: (offended) Mary, how could you? How could you do this to Chippy?
- When Mary orders lobster at a restaurant:
Mary: I'm not eating Chippy.
Dick: Oh, not now, but where will this carnage end?
Mary: (fed up) Dick, sit down and eat your beets.
Dick: Three days ago, at exactly 6:38 P.M., two lives were forever changed. But in the aftermath of that violent collision, a flower of hope blossomed and that hope ignited a flame of inspiration which fueled a desire that inspired a dream-
- At the ceremony where Dick sets the healed chipmunk free:
Tommy/Mary: Okay we get it! / Oh for God's sake!
Dick: Oh! I'm a menace to my fellow creatures.
- Dick and Mary on the roof after Dick kills an endangered peregrine falcon:
Mary: Well, you can't save every living creature. Some live, some die, that's just life happening.
Dick: That's just animals. What about us?
Mary: We ARE animals! We eat like animals, sleep like animals, have sex like animals.
Dick: Oh yeah, especially after a bottle of Tequila.
Mary: Oh, yeah. Just be grateful you're at the top of the food chain and nothing eats you.
Dick: Oh, yeah? What about that shark in Jaws? He's so scary.
Mary: Fine, have it your way. The whole world is just one giant savage smorgasbord. And if you don't like it, I'm afraid you're just gonna have to build a rocket and jet off to some kinder, gentler planet.
Dick: Oh, yeah, no, that would be the easy way out.
Mary: ...Did you kiss that dead chipmunk?
- Moments later, the two kiss, and Mary apparently tastes something funny:
Dick: Not on the lips. (Mary groans)
- Dick Behaving Badly: When they played Monopoly.
- Harry: Go to jail. Go directly to jail. Do not pass go, do not collect $200, and do not, I repeat, do not drop the soap.
- Dick playing charades at the physics party. The group has to guess his twenty-five word charade: "Two celestial bodies of equal mass sharing a single gravitational field will exhibit identical rotational properties for as long as their inertial integrity is maintained."
- Sensitive Dick: Dick is forced into sensitivity training, and returns wearing a black leotard and speaking in a gentle voice:
Dick: Class, I have your midterms. Now, I didn't want anyone to feel stress, so I've abandoned the traditional grading system, and I'm giving you all happy faces.
Dick: Nina, did you make the appointment for my high colonic?
- This exchange:
Nina: There are two things I don't do. I don't pick up dry cleaning, and I don't schedule enemas, m'kay?
Pitman: One day he told me if I liked long hair so much, maybe I should join the circus.
- How Suter starts the trial against Dick: "Okay, Dick, out with it: Where did you grab her, and how many times?"
- While Dick is on trial, and his classmates are character witnesses:
Prosecutor: Were you hurt by that?
Pitman: No. More confused.
Judith: After reviewing all the testimony, the disciplinary committee unanimously votes to admonish Dr. Solomon.
- "We will now deliberate and return with a guilty verdict."
- The results of the trial:
Dick: What does that mean?
Judith: You're officially admonished.
Dick: Does that come with a pay cut?
Judith: No. However, if there's another violation, you will be censured.
Dick: Does that come with a pay cut?
Judith: No, but should that fail to stop you, you will be sanctioned, which means a 30-day suspension.
Dick: With pay?
Judith: Yes, with pay.
Dick: That sounds good. Could I be sanctioned right now?
- Will Work for Dick: Dick's trouble using the copy machine, until he declares "I'm going to beat you with your own toner!" At the end of the episode, Mary tries to show him how to do it, only to run into the same problem and hit the machine, then hitting it with the toner.
Dick: There's going to be some changes around here. From now on, your desk will be your girlfriend. Her name will be Lucille. She will be the only woman in your life.
- Dick says he's going to whip Harry into shape as his new assistant:
Harry: Dick, I don't like you like this.
Dick: I don't want you to like me because liking leads to loving, and loving leads to reproduction, and nobody reproduces with me! Understood?
Harry: Because it came OUT of the mail.
- Harry's backwards logic as Dick's assistant: He pre-licks all his stamps and places them on his filing cabinet for his convenience ("Nice work, Harry. Now, when I want to mail a letter, I'll just steam, scrape, and tape."), and he places incoming files in the outbox:
Dick: Why is my letter to the Dean in the in box?
Harry: The Dean won't be back till tomorrow, but once he's in, the in goes out.
Dick: Things in the out box are going out.
Harry: Well, why don't we just get one big box? That way we'll put everything in there. I mean, that's 50% less box.
Girl 1: There's my daddy.
- In the subplot, Sally takes ballet. But at the performance, Dick doesn't show up because he's busy fighting the photocopier.
Girl 2: There's my daddy.
Sally: Dick? Dick?
Girl 2: Her daddy's not here. Her daddy's a bad man.
Sally: (as Barbie) "Okay, Ken, so what do you want to do today?"
- Sally and a reluctant Tommy (sporting pigtails!) playing Barbie.
Tommy: (as Ken) "Hmm, nothing that involves bending my knees or elbows."
Sally: "Okay, well, have a great day at work."
Tommy: "I will. And while there, I'll earn 25% more than you because I'm a man."
Sally: "That's not fair. I'm going to sue you in Malibu dream court."
Tommy: "Don't get your mink in a bunch, precious."
Sally: Well, now you're talking down to me. So now I have to rip your head off. (rips Ken's head off)
Tommy: (hurt) You don't play right!
- Dick completely ruining Nina's apartment by crawling, sitting, and walking all over her white furniture while being covered in toner.
- Fifteen Minutes of Dick: "FAME! I wanna live forever! Burn in the sky like a flame! FAME!
- A Nightmare On Dick Street, Pt. 2. Dick and Sally all doped up on medication is hilarious, but the best is when Tommy confiscates the container and orders Harry to get rid of them, to which Harry responds by attempting to eat the entire contents.
- "Fun with Dick and Janet (Part 2)":
Dick: She [Mary] won't be able to stay away for long... not with an album full of naked picture of me.
Sally: She has naked pictures of you?
Dick: Not yet. Harry, get the camera.
- "Tricky Dick" is hilarious all around. Mary, after breaking up with Dick, took her anger out by sticking pencils into Dick's Mr. Potato Head doll. The rest of the episode is Dick and Mary pulling pranks on each other.
- Dick forges a letter from the White House to Mary, signing it "Bill and Hilary Rodham Potato Man".
- Mary notices the plans Dick has for having his name bigger than hers on the office door, and tells the worker that Dick's last name is actually Salmon, "like the big, pink, stinky fish".
- Mary's car breaks down. Dick tells the repair man, who only speaks Spanish, to repair her car, repaint it, and install huge speakers. Mary, who doesn't speak Spanish, doesn't know about this.
- Mary puts thermal-bond epoxy on Dick's desk. Dick's hands get stuck, then so does his face. Dick and Mary call a truce. Then...
Judith: Mary... it appears your Volvo is back from the shop.
- Dick re-enacting John Lithgow's speech from Footloose.
- Moby Dick: The scene where Dick, having put on a girdle ("It's called "The Shatner") stiffly walks into the office, drops a calculator, and struggles to pick it up. After Mary picks it up for him, he turns and hears a rip ("Excuse me."). When he sits down, his stomach area expands, and one of his shirt buttons flies off.
Dick: Give me your tomato.
- Dick is on a diet, and wants the tomato that Sally's been growing. She's grown attached to it and is reluctant to give it up:
Sally: M- my tomato? Um... y'know, maybe we're rushing things here, Dick. (thumbing through the weight watchers catalogue) Uh, look, we're racing through a whole world of cottage cheese options.
Dick: No, I've made my decision! Now give me your tomato!
Sally: No, don't make do this, Dick!
Dick: (pointing) I'll take that one.
Dick: Yes, and those two little cowards hiding behind him!
(Sally runs out with the plant, screaming, with Dick chasing her)
Dick: (triumphantly) My pants fit! I won the war!
- The ending:
Harry: Oh, that's great, Dick! So you lost weight?
Dick: Even better: I bought bigger pants.
- Eleven Men and One Angry Dick: The subplot involving Harry and Tommy participating in Mary's classroom exercise of communicating using no words. The two forget the objective almost immediately, playing charades:
Mary: One more word out of you and you're not getting paid!
Mary: Stop! Stop! This experiment is over! (Harry and Tommy bow; the class claps) Shut up! (to Harry and Tommy) Get out!
- In a class a couple days later, Tommy and Harry act out a scene and invite Karen into their shelter. But Harry and Tommy get into a physical fight over who gets Karen, prompting a Rage Quit from Mary:
Harry: Where's our money?
Mary: (hands it to them) Here. Get out!
Tommy: So, um, you want to book us for next semester?
Mary: No!... We'll see.
- Tom, Dick, and Mary: When Dick discovers that Tommy is seeing Mary:
Dick: That duplicitous old FART!... which is our nickname for him.
Harry: You know, Dick, I don't think you have a clue about earth women. Matter of fact, I don't think you'd be too good with women from any planet. (to Sally) Speaking of women, I think you're incredibly hot. You know, we're not really brother and sister. It's all made up. What say we have a go at it? You, me, and a stick of butter. What do you say?
- Harry's been speaking his mind ever since Dick ordered him to stop watching TV. Towards the end of the episode:
- Dick on a Roll: Vicki goes celibate in this episode. At one point, she asks a horny Harry, "Harry, could you pull my pans down?"
- Dick, stuck in a wheelchair in the episode, rallies to get a second wheelchair ramp built. When he finally realizes how superfluous it was, it's too late, as the groundbreaking ceremony is about to start. He pleads with the crowd to stop listening to him, but they don't, so he retaliates by beating the crowd with the shovel.
- The Great Dickdater: The Running Gag of male characters gazing at passing women and saying in unison: "Niiiice."
"I've had sex before and I know how to do it."
- Dick's unsuccessful flirting attempts with random women in the bookstore:
"I'm tight with the money, but never with the lovin'."
Mary: OH NO!!!
- Dick gets a taker for his personals ad, who says to wear a white carnation and his date will wear one too. He gets to the restaurant and Mary happens to be there too. Both are expecting a date. Then both put on white carnations.
Dick: Mary, what are you doing answering a personal ad? Don't you know that only twisted weirdoes place those things?
Mary: Well, I do now! Okay. Here's the deal: we speak of this to no one!
Dick: I don't even want to speak of this to YOU! (both bolt)
Dick: Will there be ladies?
- Don invites Dick to the policeman's ball:
Don: How does a room full of drunken meter maids sound?
Dick: Very promising!
Don: Dick, have I told you that I've been in therapy for the past 5 years?
- At the ball, one of the dances is ladies' choice. The women grab all the men in the room except Don and Dick; one woman runs up to the two, and awkwardly runs away empty-handed.
Dick: No. Is it helping?
(the group congas past them)
Don: Not right now, it isn't.
Don: So I'm reading the Miranda rights to this girl whose name actually turns out to be Miranda!
- Sally proves that she can get men to do anything for her because she's hot, so she starts dating a guy and treats him like crap. Nevertheless, he still does her bidding. At one point she asks him to carry a drawer filled with lingerie from one end of the attic to the other. He faints. Sally observes: "Oh my God, I'm so hot, I killed him!"
- Don, on a double date with Dick:
Dick's date: So, Dick, um do you have any hobbies?
- In the same scene, Dick keeps saying the wrong things so Don keeps pulling Dick over to the salad bar for more food, but it's really just to coach him privately on the right things to say. The best is the third instance:
Dick: Hobbies? Hobbies?
Don: No, no-
Dick: As a matter of fact, I do! Note
- "Portrait of Tommy as an Old Man": Dick tries to invite Mary on stage at a bar to fulfill her dreams of being a singer. He parts the curtains to reveal a giant and very unflattering photo of Mary: Right in the middle of eating a sandwich.
- "36! 24! 36! Dick! Part 2": Mary and Nina are staying in a hotel which has a lot of rambunctious Super Bowl guests. A group is partying nonstop outside their room, and one of the guys sprays silly string in their direction:
Guy: He shoots, he scores!
Mary: GET KILLED!
- In "Stuck With Dick," Dick plans a romantic moonlit picnic with Mary, hoping it will win her back, but they get trapped in the library together. He freaks out until he realizes he's still alone with her, and he's got the champagne.
Mary: I'm beginning to think you planned this all along.
Dick: Actually my plan was for us to be doing it right now... under a pine tree, by the reservoir.
Mary: On the ground?
Dick: Not on the ground... I brought newspaper.
Dick: Think back, Mary. Don't you remember the romance?
- Dick, as usual, has rose-colored glasses on about their relationship:
Mary: The fighting?
Dick: The laughter?
Mary: The screaming?
Dick: The endless nights of lovemaking?
Mary: The endless parade of humiliations, interspersed with random acts of insanity?!
Mary: I remember the first time I saw you. You walked in like cock of the walk. You knew what you wanted, and you took it! Just like a cat takes... what does a cat take?
- Dick says, "Well, things could be worse. I mean, if I'm going to be trapped with someone, I'm sure glad it's you. At least with you, I know that, no matter how hungry you get, I'm not going to wake up to find you gnawing at my leg." Mary merely gives him a cold stare that's just hilarious.
- Dick and Mary drunk, sitting back to back:
Dick: Cat food?
Mary: That's it.
Dick: I remember when I first saw you, Mary Albright. I thought you were a fireball.
Mary: (laughs) You sure have my number.
Dick: I know. I stole it from Nina's Rolodex. I have a confession to make. I was the one who kept calling and saying, "Hello, fireball."
Mary: (laughs) I knew it was you all along! I'll tell you one thing.
Mary: I made you earn it. That's Mary Albright! I don't just give it away. Anymore.
Mary: Well, I don't understand these charges. I did not watch Beastmaster's Revenge four times. I don't even know what a Beastmaster is! (listens) Well, that does sound intriguing, but I didn't order it. And what is Ultimate Warrior Bloodbath '98? ....Oh, wait. I did order that.
- Dick and Mary try to escape through the vent, but merely end up in another locked room. After a minute, Mary asks, "What's that smell?" Dick replies, "Oh, I was afraid we'd get lost, so I left a trail of blue cheese in the vent, and I guess the heater just kicked in." Then when Mary starts to gag, Dick asks, "Champagne?"
- A random moment: Dick tells Mary that there's a dead spider in her hair. Mary freaks out and starts frantically clawing at her hair. Dick interrupts her: "I tell a lie... it's still alive." (cue Mary freaking out again)
- Dick, to Nina after he and Mary finally escape the library: "Oh, uh, by the way, Nina, I'm going to class. See if you can beat the cheese stink out of these pants."
- With Dick gone, Sally, Tommy, and Harry break into Mary's house, which sets off the silent alarm. Cue Don rolling through the door minutes later, and hurting his back in the process. After he tells them they have to leave, Sally assures him that they will, only for Tommy and Harry to announce that Mary has pay-per-view. They end up watching Beastmaster's Revenge FOUR times.
- Mary on the phone disputing her cable bill during the credits of "Stuck With Dick".
- The Physics of Being Dick: Sally botches the job of being Mary's fact-checker by her Bolivia speech being full of translation errors. Mary goes to the bar and orders five drinks.
Mary: I have brain cells that will remember this evening, and I want them DESTROYED!!!
- Dick not understanding how Good Cop/Bad Cop is supposed to work.
- A Friend in Dick: Harry is about to leave for night school and Tommy says, "Didn't you forget something?" Harry approaches Tommy and kisses him on the cheek like they're a married couple. Tommy exclaims, "NO, the SNACK!"
- Dick and the Other Guy: Dr. Neesam is better than Dick at everything, including somehow being able to pull a pan out of the oven without putting on gloves. Dick barely touches it and immediately yelps in pain.
Neesam: You see, Dick, you proved to me that human beings can be bright, in a sort of look-what- my-2-year-old-can-do sort of way. That is, if for two minutes, they can get their minds off large-breasted lifeguards, coffee cake that doesn't make you fat, and CÚline Dion. Somebody tell her to stop. The boat sank. Let it go.
- Mary tries the escargot foie gras champignon a la grecque en croute that Neesam made, and exclaims, "This is the best thing I have ever put in my mouth!" A forlorn Dick laments, "Once again, I come in second..."
- "Ah, Mary's afraid. Mary doesn't want to rock the boat in her little life. She doesn't want to lose control and be swept away in a TORRENT OF PLEASURE." Cue Mary knocking all the stuff off the counter so they can have sex on it.
- Neesam reveals himself to be an alien, and that Dick convinced him to spare Earth from being blown up.
- Sally discovers that Don has been singing at a nightclub at night, and wants him to sing for her. After a half second of modesty, he immediately starts singing "Unchained Melody", with Sally joining in. By the end of their duet, their faces are less than an inch from each other.
- When Aliens Camp has some pretty hilarious parts as well.
Mary: Oh my God, Tommy. You didn't eat these, did you? These are finch berries! They make coffee beans look like sedatives!
Harry: LET'S GO!!
Dick: Sally, we're out in the woods. This is supposed to be fun.
- This bit:
Sally: Fun? First you force us to come up here, and then she [Mary] weasels her way in.
Mary: Dick invited me. I didn't weasel.
Tommy: Wait a minute. You invited her?
Mary: You didn't tell them?
Dick: Hey, I think the bass are getting jumpy. Lines in!
Mary: Oh, this is just great. (leaves)
Dick: Hey, Mary, wait!
Tommy: Harry, enough with the weasel.
Harry: No! Weasel! (an actual weasel pops out from the bushes, causing the Solomons to scream)
- Harry is repeatedly shot at because he's wearing a fur coat, which the hunters mistake for an animal. Before embarking to find Dick, Mary tells Harry, "Take your coat off." He does, revealing a shirt with a giant bullseye target on it. Mary tells him, "Harry... put the coat back on."
- At the end, Mary introduces another camping ritual: Roasting marshmallows: "You put 'em in the fire." The Solomons take it too literally and throw the sticks in the fire.
- "The Tooth Harry": When Dick watches the edited version of the Pendleton University promotional video, where Judith said all of his and Mary's lines:
Dick: That backstabbing, scene-stealing bitch!
- From "Eat, Drink, Dick, Mary," Tommy comes home to find Harry, Sally and Dick revealing two bags of "herbs" and demanding an explanation.
Tommy: Okay, it's not what you think-
Dick: It's exactly what we think. It's oregano and fresh rosemary!
Sally: I don't believe it, you can cook!!
Harry: You punk!
Tommy: No, I can't cook, I swear!
Dick: Then how do you explain this?
Tommy: This? uh... it's marijuana! [the others scoff]
Dick: This whole time we've been eating her slop and you're a DAMN GOURMET!!!
Tommy: No! It's pot! I swear! I smoke it with my friends! I... like to toke up on the fat daddies........ dude!
Sally: I hate that bitch.
- From the same episode, Sally brags to the others about how Don got to second base. With Don standing right next to her. Plus Don's Freudian Slippery Slope trying to get out of there.
- According to a transmission through Harry, the Big Giant Head apparently has an assistant appropriately named Big Giant Jenny.
Vicki: HARRY'S GONE!!! HARRY'S GONE!!! HARRY'S GONE!!! HARRY'S GONE!!!
- This bit:
Sally: WE KNOW! SHUT UP!
- Dr. Solomon's Traveling Alien Show: Due to failing to send a status report, the Big Giant Head makes Dick progressively dumber as the episode goes on. The first sign of something wrong is when Dick is told they're going to look for Harry (who was kidnapped in the previous episode) and repeatedly has to be told that's what they're doing, doesn't remember his keys are in his own hand, and keeps calling "HARRY!"
- When Dick regains his brain: "Why the hell am I wearing a diaper?!"
- Power Mad Dick: Dick, mistakenly thinking that Mary being the dean means he has the power to fire, tells Lucy, "Pack your bags, princess! The free ride is over! You are out of here!"
Don: Anytime you want to, uh, "talk"... you just see me.
- Sally loses her virginity to Don in this episode. She finds herself unable to tell anybody about it, but clears the air with Don:
Sally: Sometimes I just like to lie back and let you do the talkin'.
Don: (backs her into the door) So you like to, uh listen, do you? (Sally giggles) Well, that's good. 'Cause I'll talk your brains out!
Sallly: Talk to me, Don! TALK TO ME!!!
- The scene in Feelin' Albright where Sally locates all of Don's previous girlfriends. They all talk about things that happened during their time with him. The icing on the cake, though, is Don's surprised reaction to seeing them gathered in Dick's place.
- Collect Call for Dick: Dick buys a ton of Rusty meals to get the Fuzzy Buddies inside:
Mary: Hey, Dick, what's with all the Rusty Burgers?
Dick: Ah, well, I'm just preparing box lunches for the homeless.
Mary: Why are you putting all the food in the trash?
Dick: It makes them more comfortable. Mary, you can be so insensitive.
Tommy: YOU! You did this! You didn't practice them enough, you BASTARD!!!
- Dick on the phone with someone wanting to trade Fuzzy Buddies: "No no no no no, I don't want you to make a deal that you're not comfortable with. All I'm saying is, this is your future. Asking your parents would only cloud your judgment. Someone's coming? All right, call me back tomorrow during recess. Good night, Becky. (hangs up) She's weakening."
- Dick approaches a top trader called "The Columbian" ("Must be the matriarch of a powerful cartel." "No, her nephew went to Columbia University") to trade his Fuzzy Buddies, and she proclaims: "I got top dollar, I got better than top dollar." Dick is confused: "Then, by default, wouldn't that BECOME top dollar?"
- Dick, on the phone with a seller: "Yeah, I got your number from a friend. He said you could help me out. I—I—I need a Roger the Road Frog. (...) No! Not a mini one. I need a full-size Roger, damn it!"
- The intervention scene, where Dick claims that he gave up all his Fuzzy Buddies, but Tommy, Sally, and Mary reveal more all over the kitchen, including in a cereal box, the oven, and finally the fridge.
- In the same scene, before confronting Dick, Mrs. Dubcek asks: "Now you're SURE this invention is not for me. Because I have fallen for that twice."
- Sally, to Dick on being late for the rent because of Dick's Fuzzy Buddy obsession: "God, I'm so embarrassed, I can't even look Mrs. Dubcek in the face!" (Dubcek looks at Sally, who averts her gaze in shame)
- Tommy as Hootie, the owl school mascot. He gets so into the school spirit that he jumps on the coach after a loss.
- The scene where Tommy comes home in the Hootie costume and says, "Where I go, people follow, hooting!" Sure enough, Harry follows Tommy shouting "HOOT! HOOT!"
- In "What's Love Got to Do, Got to Do With Dick?", Dick is annoyed at a new professor taking Mary's spot in the office:
Dick: (to Nina) I see you're getting ready for the arrival of Professor McBitch!
- "I Am Dick Pentameter": Dick's newest girlfriend, Jennifer Ravelli, has a habit of talking in rhyme. While at a restaurant, she gets a piece of tofu on her face, leading to this exchange:
Dick: You have a little tofu on your lip.
Jennifer: This smoothie is delicious. Please, have a sip.
Dick: Ah. Thank you, but no. Just, please, go like this. (flicks)
Jennifer: I've got an idea. How about we kiss?
Dick: Okay, time out. You're missing my point.
Jennifer: Finish your food, and we'll blow this joint.
Dick: Just listen to me! You have tofu on your lip. It's been there for what seems like an eternity. Now please just flick it the hell off your face!!!
Dick: So you like the rhyming, eh? You like the rhyming?
- Don meets Jennifer and loves the rhyming, so Dick sets his straight:
Dick: And what if the rhyming were never to stop? On, on, and on till your head doth pop. Oh, look! A book! A book on schnook! What kind of crook took my schnook nook book? Perchance, methinks, thee, hither, yon, thou. I'm think I'm gonna have a freakin' cow!
Don: You sure seem to hate her. Sounds really tough.
Dick: Hate's a strong word, Don, but not strong enough.
Dick: Mary! You're here!
- Mary, having gone on a bender after Dick broke up with her for Jennifer, goes to the rooftop where Dick is sitting:
Mary: (drunk) Yes, I'm here. Just long enough to tell you what an AAAAAAAASSSSSSSS you are! There. I think I'm done.
Dick: No, no, Mary. Wait. I've been doing a lot of thinking.
Mary: I've been doing a lot of thinking, too. About what an AAASSSSS you are! I work late a couple of nights, and you seize the opportunity to chase the first skirt that comes along.
Dick: Oh, no. But, Mary, I've been thinking—
Mary: Oh, don't talk to me again. Ever, ever, never ever.
Dick: That's not a very good rhyme.
Jennifer: The peanut, you see, may look like a nut,
- Don tries his hand at rhyming:
Don: But it's really a legume, just ask King Tut!
- D3: Judgement Day: Jennifer asks Dick if he loves her, and before Dick gets a chance to answer, she loses it: "He didn't answer right away. Oh my God. He didn't answer right away..." and starts babbling and itching her hair frantically.
Choir: (singing) Heigh-ho, heigh-ho, how are you doing?
- Dick lands Jennifer in the hospital for accidentally giving her flowers that she's allergic to. When Dick enters his office later, the rest of the choir is waiting for him, delivering him a singing telegram:
Dick: I'm fine.
Choir: (singing) How are you doing?
Dick: (annoyed) I'm fine.
Choir: (singing) How are you doing?
Dick: SHUT UP!
- Indecent Dick: Sally wants to act like a centerfold model. Harry tells her the numerous actions he has observed centerfold models do to look seductive, and one of them is that the models look at their boobs and act as if they saw them for the first time. So he tells Sally to reenact the first time she saw her boobs. Sally looks at them and screams.
Dick: ...Harry, are you naked, or am I seeing things?
- Harry is reading a magazine, in the chair, nude. When Dick comes home:
Harry: Well actually, it's a little of both.
Tommy: What should I wear to school tomorrow?
- Harry deciding that clothes are one big scam.
Harry: EL NADA!
Dick: Oh, Sally, Sally, Sally. There's a ripeness that comes with growing older. Maybe it's what they call maturity, but it's what I call beauty. And you, Sally you grow more beautiful every day.
- The hilarious Scenery Censor gag when a nude Harry walks into the kitchen. Reaches its peak when Harry nonchalantly gives Don a back rub.
- After Dick changes his attitude about Mary's nude pictures from twenty years ago, he wants to take new nude photos of her. She refuses, so Dick says, "Then let's just get naked." Mary is at first aghast: "Dick!"... but then gives in: "Lock the doors."
- Sally is rejected for posing for Playpen for being too old. Dick tries to cheer her up:
Sally: You think so?
Dick: Well, look at you. Your big, beautiful eyes, your long, silky hair, the curve of your neck, your supple white skin, your sexy red lips.
Sally: ...I'm a little creeped out right now. (gets off his lap)
- Happy New Dick: Tommy is in charge of counting down to 1999, but Larry (who was hired at the bar as a waiter) accidentally activates the confetti machine at 11:58, causing everyone in the bar to sing "Auld Lang Syne". A furious Tommy tells everyone to stop singing, since it's not actually 1999 yet, to no avail.
- Two Faced Dick altogether. The Big Giant Head switches Dick and Sally's brains for the duration of the episode. John Lithgow has to act like Kristen Johnson's character, and vice versa, right down to the body language and tone of voice.
- "Hey, Dick. Can we touch 'em?" "Be my guest, they're not mine." "HEY!"
- Sally, in Dick's body, is still very attracted to Don. Hilarity Ensues when the running gag pertaining to Sally and Don being able to sense when the other is nearby is still in effect, and Don freaking out when he turns around to see Dick.
- On a double date with Mary and Don, the two Solomons briefly kiss the other's boyfriend/girlfriend. Dick in Sally's body has a reserved but sensitive and thoughtful moment, whereas Sally in Dick's body goes to town on Mary, who breathlessly mentions "That's a lot more tongue then I'm used to."
- In the end, Dick and Sally's request to return to their original bodies is granted by the Big Giant Head. After a brief celebration, they address Tommy, who turns around with squinted eyes and says, "Tommy? I'm not Tommy........ ahh, I'm just screwin' with ya!"
- The subplot where some tough bikers are customers at the bar, and Tommy and Harry assume they're badasses set to rob the place. Mrs. Dubcek teaches them that you can't judge a book by its cover, and they go along with it, until the bikers do rob them. Instead of being petrified, Tommy and Harry are psyched because they were right all along:
Harry: Did I not tell you?
Tommy: You didn't need to tell me, man. I knew!
(one of the toughs drops a hint to hurry up)
Harry: Wait, wait, wait. Just a second. (to Tommy) We saw this coming!
Tommy: Miles away, brother!
Tough: The cash register.
Harry: (unconcerned) Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. (strolls back to the register)
- In Dick Solomon Of The Indiana Solomons, the unit is mistakenly invited to a family reunion for some guy named Richard Solomon. During the reunion, Harry meets Uncle Abe and starts to take on his mannerisms, and the two Statler and Waldorf their way throughout the whole episode.
Abe: Look, I'm tellin' ya.
Harry: I heard ya.
Abe: Fah! You should be so lucky.
Harry: Eggghh! I should live so long!
Jacob's wife: I'd stay out of this, honey.
- Dick and Jacob get into an argument, and Mary intervenes, leading to this:
Mary: (offended) "Honey"?! Well let me tell you a thing or two, honey: Whoever did your electrolysis missed a spot!
- Dick And Taxes: Mary does Dick's taxes and informs him that he owes $9,500 in back taxes. Dick's response? "You BITCH!"
Sally: This is what we're gonna do! He comes back in here, I break his neck. Then we make our escape and I snap everyone's necks from here til we get home! There's no way they'll catch us!
- The aliens freak out during their audit when they believe their secret is about to be blown. So Sally, as security officer, offers this brilliant course of action.
Dick': ...Let's call that Plan B.
- Paranoid Dick: Mary gets thrown in jail for breaking into Judith's office. When Judith and the chancellor visit her in jail, the chancellor keeps saying in a disappointed tone while shaking his head, "Mary, Mary, Mary..." After the third time he says this, Mary tells him, "Oh shut up!"
Mary: Oh, look at me, Dick. They've stripped me of everything. My office, my title, my dignity. But there's one thing they can't take away from me.
- This exchange, after Mary is demoted:
Dick: Your dignity?
Mary: No. I just said they got that.
- "Promise me one thing, Dick. The next time the world gets all topsy-turvy and I start acting crazy again, do me a favor, will you? Slap some sense into me? (Dick slaps her... quite hard) ...I said "next time"."
- The House That Dick Built: Alissa walked in on Tommy (actually the oldest of the aliens) cuddling a distraught Dick. Alissa was freaked out and ran from the room. Tommy immediately said "Alissa, look, he's not really my dad, he's just some guy I'm living with!" After a beat, Tommy realizes that made it sound even worse.
- The Cold Open, where Vicki is confronted with a vision of a baby-sized Harry dancing in a diaper, while the ooga-chaka version of "Hooked on a Feeling" plays. So surreal.
- "Superstitious Dick": The Running Gag of Mary continuously having bad luck, who refuses to acknowledge it's because she threw out a chain letter. At one point she hobbles to a hockey game with bandages on her head and says, "Sorry we're late, my carburetor caught fire! (laughs)"
Dick: It was a tad strange; the car was turned off at the time...
- And moments later, she's nailed by a hockey puck.
- It culminates in Mary mentioning a rock broke her windshield. Nina corrects her by saying it was a meteor to which Mary defensively says the tests aren't back yet.
- The final act, when Dick performs a ton of good luck charms while receiving a science grant. Among the highlights: Only stepping on the white tiles on the floor, bringing in Mrs. Dubcek as his good luck charm, saying "Franks, (taps shoe) beans, (taps shoe) collared (taps shoe) greens", ripping out page 13 of his proposal, and spinning around while chanting "Andrew K. and Eileen B. Fleischman Foundation Grant!"
- Y2Dick: Mary's mom got her a pager for emergencies, but her mom keeps beeping her about trivial things ("mangos are 3 for a dollar."). During one phone call:
Mary: No, mom, I don't have grandma's recipe for apple pan dowdy. (...) Look, every time this beeper goes off, I think you're dead, and I'm starting to get disappointed! (...) No, mom, I'm kidding. I'm kidding. Bye. (hangs up) The HELL I am!
Tommy: (shouting over the volume) I feel like I'm watching Entertainment Tonight at Carnegie freakin' Hall!!!
- The subplot of Sally and Tommy (with Alissa in tow) repeatedly upgrading their TV and home theater system to have the ultimate set-up. At one point they get surround sound and crank up the theme to Entertainment Tonight:
Alissa: Turn it down!!! (Tommy mutes it) How loud do you need to hear that it's Mary Steenburgen's birthday?!
- Dick, having been a recluse for days because he's been spending all his time on the internet, finally comes back to reality when Mary accidentally spills coffee on his computer. At the electronics store, he grabs some random woman and exclaims, "This is amazing! I CAN SMELL YOU!" and takes a giant whiff.
- "Dick the Mouth Solomon": One subplot involves Dick/Mary and Harry/Vicki attending a couples' retreat. One of the exercises is to put on inner tubes, close eyes, and move around the room, bumping into people in the process. Mary is immediately knocked down and trampled.
Mary: Get off me! Open your damn eyes!
- The entire episode of Dick vs Strudwick, especially towards the end of the episode where Dick turns discussion of Strudwick's new physics textbook into a Jerry Springer-esque brawl.
- Near Dick Experience: After Sally, Tommy, and Harry almost die, they have a renewed appreciation for life, and start regularly volunteer at the soup kitchen. At first, they're all sunshine and smiles, but by the third act, they're back to their usual surly selves, with Sally not even looking as she sloppily serves soup:
Homeless person: Hey, you burned me!
Sally: (disdainful) ...Sorry. Here, have an extra bread. (tosses it in his soup bowl)
Homeless person: Thanks for nothing!
Sally: Man, this is really startin' to get old.
Homeless person 2: Hey, A.J., I've always dreamed of working in the movie industry. Can you help me out?
Harry: Uh, yeah, I'm gonna call Warren Beatty for you right now.
Homeless person 3: A.J., everyone says you're a real inspiration. Tell me, how did you change your life?
Harry: (annoyed) Uh, y'know, you guys, I told this story, like, a million times already. Why don't you ask one of these guys? They don't seem to be doin' nothin'. (walks away)
- Dick's Big Giant Headache Part 1: William Shatner, in a guest appearance as the Big Giant Head, gets off a plane and talks about how he had looked out the window and seen "something on the wing". Dick (John Lithgow) replies, "Same thing happened to me!" This is a double Shout-Out to a classic The Twilight Zone episode starring Shatner, which was later remade starring Lithgow.
- Dick's Big Giant Headache Part 2: Sally gives The Big Giant Head a status report, and he doesn't even look at it:
Sally: But you didn't even look at it.
Big Giant Head: Didn't have to. I like what I'm looking at right now.
Sally: What are you saying?
Big Giant Head: I'm saying... vah-vah!
- The cold open to "Dick for Tat", where the Solomons are playing an adult board game.
Sally: (moving piece) Okay, "Lover or Loser". That should be fun.
Dick: (reading card) With what celebrity would you be tempted to cheat on your mate?
Harry: Jon Voight.
Tom: Man, let her answer.
Harry: Say Jon Voight.
Dick: Oh, I can't get his face out of my mind!
- This bit:
Dick: No, Nina. Little Davey Tennant, the boy down the block. You see, ever since he was 3 years old, Davey's wanted more than anything to see a real professional baseball game. He wished the biggest wish his little heart could muster. But his dad was laid off and couldn't afford the tickets. Well one day last week, little Davey was outside playing ball like he always does, and who should walk up the block, tall as a building, but home run king Mark McGwire. To see little Davey's eyes light up as McGwire handed him well, it's something that I will never forget. (Beat) ...YES, Strudwick's face! Stop asking such stupid questions!
- Dial M for Dick: Mary gets food poisoning, and Dick wants to know who did it, so he shakes her violently: "Who has done this to you? Who? Who? Who? Who? Who? Who?" (Mary runs for the bathroom again)
- The ending. Back when they were convinced the murders were real, Sally begs Don to go get help. At the end, Don bursts in with his squad in riot gear, and tells everyone to get down. After Sally talks him out of it, Don asks, "Is this one of those murder mystery things?" He then tells Rico to hold the gas, but too late, and a tear gas bomb sprays everywhere.
- Sex and the Sally:
Dick: You know what I can't believe? That you've never been pregnant.
Dick: Considering how many "gentlemen callers" you've had, it's kind of a miracle.
Mary: (seriously) Dick, I can't have children.
Dick: Oh, Mary why not?
Mary: Because I hate them.
Dick: You know about tipping?
- The Tommy and Harry subplot where they fall into the beggar lifestyle. Eventually they go from begging to outright harassing passersby, shouting "WHADDYA GOT!"/"COME ON!" repeatedly. And when they're finally stopped by a policeman for it, they confuse a citation with winning a prize.
- The Dick subplot involves Dick discovering tipping. Dick doesn't do it at first- he takes Mary's tip right after she sets it on the table (Mary: "No wonder we're treated like crap everywhere we go!"), and Dick later talks to Tommy and Harry about it:
Harry: Sure. That's how I make most of my money down at the bar.
Dick: But I never tip you.
Harry: And that's why your drink always has that funny taste.
Dick: Mary thinks I'm cheap.
Harry: You're not cheap. You're thrifty.
Harry: Yeah, that's it. Cheap.
Dick: I've been with you for all your womanly milestones. I was with you when you got your first bikini wax.
- In Sally's subplot, she starts using birth control. Dick accompanies her to her first gynecologist visit:
Sally: No, you weren't.
Dick: Yes, I was. You just couldn't see me.
Sally: Oh, I get it. It's so small, that by the time you're done doing the dishes, you're too exhausted to have sex, right?
- When the doctor gives her a sponge:
Waitress: All right, we have specials tonight. There's a tri-colored salad with candied walnuts and goat cheese. It's very, very light-
- The scene where Dick "reinvents tipping". That is, by starting with a "potential" tip and adding or subtracting dollar bills for every thing the waitress does.
Dick: What kind of dressing comes with that?
Waitress: I'll have to check.
Dick: Ouch. (removes dollar bill)
- Charitable Dick:
Nina: Here's your mail.
- Everyone giving Mary a hard time about her cape. Eventually she donates it for $300.
- Dick buys a painting of two monks holding a shovel at an auction, and starts carrying it around with him everywhere because he got applause when he bought it. But he starts to tire of it when nobody applauds him the next day:
Dick: Oh, something from the boys' home. Ah, at last, the respect that I deserve. "Dear sir or madam" hey, they've invited me to become a patron. Not everybody gets that.
Nina: I did.
Judith: Me, too.
Mary: I got three.
Dick: ...This painting sucks!
Dick: Could you either get this kid off my leg, or else put another one on, because it's really throwing off my balance.
- The scene where Dick tries to return the painting to the church and ask for his money back. Before he can even get a chance to give his rehearsed speech, the priest thanks Dick for his generous donation and a young kid named Ben runs up and latches onto his right leg, not letting go the whole scene, even as Dick tries to pry him off.
Tommy: That's clunky.
- The Tommy and Harry subplot involves the duo trying to come up with a new mission statement after the old one was left on the bus. One of the ideas they throw out is "To boldly go where no man has gone before", and poke holes in it immediately.
Harry: Yeah, and that excludes Sally.
Tommy: Mmm, and us, too, technically, since we're not men.
Harry: Yeah, yeah, and lots of men have been here.
Tommy: Yeah... Eh, let's put it in.
Harry: Yeah, it'll give Dick something to cut.
Harry: I mean, look at you! You're the poster boy for imperfection.
- The two realize that since humans are imperfect, for the mission to be a success, the mission has to be imperfect, so they've succeeded:
Tommy: (congenial) How's that?
Harry: Well, your B.O. smells like chicken soup, and you got B.O. a lot.
Tommy: Fair enough, but, uh, don't sell yourself short in the imperfection department, Harry.
Harry: (congenial) How do you mean?
Tommy: Well, you're not smart.
Harry: And you scare away the ladies.
Tommy: (still congenial) I feel like punching your face in.
Harry: Me first, fatso.
Dick: Did you guys just get bored and start watching television?
- In the end, they decide on "There are some things in life money can't buy. For everything else, there's this mission statement."
Harry: ("you got me" smile) Yeah.
- In Sally's subplot, she keeps Don awake at night: First, with snoring, and second by sleeping all day so she'll be awake, but then making noise when Don's trying to sleep. The topper is when she brings canned tuna into bed, accidentally spills some of the juice on Don's pillow, and when she tries to remove it, Don falls out of bed.
- The Loud Solomon Family: A Dickumentary: Harry's fake secret is that he's an alcoholic. Dick disciplines him by forcing him to drink so much that he won't want to drink again.
Harry: Can I have a lime?
(Dick obliges by slapping a lime down on the table)
Alissa: Wow. Tommy. You were so dark and troubled and screwed up. I am so lucky. (hugs him)
- Tommy's fake secret was that he wets the bed. After the film concludes:
Tommy: Oh, that's great. Hey, you wanna get some punch?
Alissa: Um... it's a little close to bedtime, isn't it?
Sally: Don. Oh, man. Wow. You just kissed the gay right outta me!
- Sally's fake secret was that she was a lesbian. Don approaches her after the film concludes and barely gets in a few words before Sally grabs him and kisses him.
Don: I did?
Don: (proudly) What can I say? It's a gift.
- Gwen, Larry, Dick and Mary: Mary's date with Dick is ruined because the rest of the family came along. She can't even sit in the front with Dick because Tommy called shotgun.
Harry: I came back to say good-Bye.
- Harry has a brief infatuation with a woman at the laundromat. When the Solomons' washing machine is fixed, they no longer have to go to the laundromat so Harry says his goodbyes:
Woman: Well, can't we go across the street to the diner and get a cup of coffee or something?
Harry: June bug what we had here was very special. Hum of the dryers, fluorescent lights, sweet, sweet smell of softener sheets. But take that away, and I'm afraid we got nothing.
Woman: What are you, some kind of moron?
Harry: I know it's hard to understand, but, uh, at least we'll always have this, huh? And this. (holds up her panties)
Woman: Hey! Oh, that's gross. (pulls at it)
Harry: (tugging back) That's right. That's right. Fight daddy! Fight daddy!
- "Dick Puts The ID In Cupid." Dick has a breakthrough after his first session with Mary's therapist, leading to one of the greatest Malapropers of the series.
Dick: From now on, I am a human being. I am John Q. Pubic.
Tommy: So I got Alissa and me a room at the Ramada.
Tommy: She's totally fine with it.
Tommy: But I'm a virgin.
Tommy: And, you know, she's not.
Tommy: STOP IT!
Tiffany: Well, sometimes, don't you just have to be naked?
- Tiffany coming onto Tommy.
Tommy: ...I've got a girlfriend.
Tiffany: ("yeah, and?" tone) I've got a boyfriend.
Tommy: We're [me and Alissa] gonna have sex on Valentine's Day.
Tiffany: No. We're gonna have sex right now.
Tommy: I'm a virgin.
Tiffany: I could educate you.
Tommy: I could use an education.
Tiffany: Let's go.
Harry: Those two ladies naked?
- Tommy scares Alissa off by revealing to her that he had sex with Tiffany before their Valentine's Day fling. Harry comes to the hotel room later, where Tommy is watching pay-per-view:
Tommy: Yes, they are.
Harry: Ah! (sits on bed) So, uh... what'd that guy do to deserve the spanking?
- In "The Big Giant Head Returns," Dick does a rather flawless impersonation of Vicki's hammy tendencies while enacting a scene with Harry. It's so perfect he almost makes out with Harry before the Big Giant Head asks what the hell they're doing.
- Sally's shoe dependency has become so bad the guys force her to go cold turkey. While ordering pizza, after making sure Tommy's out of the room, she starts asking the delivery guy what kind of shoes he's wearing before trying to get him to buy a pair for her.
- Tommy tries to hypnotize Sally with these instructions: When he says "one", Sally will fall asleep, when he says "two", she wakes up, and when he says "three", she will feel like her feet are on fire. It fails on Sally, but works on Harry. When Harry goes to a restaurant to rescue Vicki from The Big Giant Head, he never gets the chance between The Big Giant Head keeps using "one" and "two/too" in his sentences, sending Harry abruptly dropping to the floor. The scene climaxes with Head predictably saying "three", causing Harry to shout that his feet are on fire and run out screaming.
- Rutherford Beauty: The twice-done gag of Harry wearing lobster claws and screaming "LOBSTER CLAWS!!!" at Tommy, who gets freaked out by it.
Dick: Nina have you been coming on to me?
- This exchange, in one of Dick's erotic daydreams about Nina:
Dick: Oh, come on. Parading around in your little yoga outfits, accidentally bumping into me in the office, wearing scented deodorants. I know your game.
Nina: Dr. Solomon, I-
Dick: how dare you try to come between me and the woman that I love, and right under Mary's ignorant nose? You BITCH!
Sally: Unfolding a napkin is like unwrapping a little gift. It makes every meal feel like a celebration.
- Dick fulfilling Mary's fantasy of having sex in a public place by showing up naked under her table.
- Sally's transformation into an expy of Martha Stewart.
Don: I can't even make a swan out of a napkin.
- Sally puts Don to work making swans out of napkins, but can't do it. Sally suggests a peacock ("A peacock's even harder!"). Even Dick rubs it in:
Dick: You can't? No. Oh, no, but it's easy. You just make a peacock, and then flatten out the tail.
(Don tries to visualize it with his hands, but gives up and squeaks out a frustrated "GEEEH!!")
- This Little Dick Went to Market: When Dick learns that owning stock means you own a part of the company, he and Tommy take it far too literally by showing up at a company they invested in, wearing business suits and acting like higher-ups.
Dick: (to a trio drinking water) I notice you're all drinking from separate cups. (confiscates their cups) One, cup, per, group.
Tommy: We're trying to run a business here.
Dick: Not a water-drinking factory!
Dick: (grabbing an employee) Walk with me. What do you do here?
- And this moment in the same scene:
Employee: I'm the VP in charge of marketing.
Dick: Enjoying yourself?
Employee: Oh, yeah. I love the work. The hours are great, and the day care is really convenient.
Dick: You hear that, Tommy?
Tommy: I sure do, Dick.
Dick: Shut down the day care, make this guy work weekends, and then fire him. No one has this much fun on my dime.
Dick: Wait. Do we need two guards? I don't think so. Fire them both and get one big one!
- When Tommy and Dick are thrown out by two security guards:
- In one scene, Dick is standing on the roof in his business suit, ready to jump. Mary arrives just in time, and Dick admits to Mary that he made up striking it rich in the stock market and that they're not going to Cancun:
Dick: But, Mary, it turns out the ups and downs of the stock market and my roller-coaster emotions make for a deadly cocktail.
Dick: But I now realize that money's not important. Love is what's important. And if that's so, why, then, I'm the richest man on earth.
Mary: Don't think, Dick. Just jump!
- Youth is Wasted on Dick: After a riotous spring break where Dick got wasted and vomited a lot, he apologizes to Mary for using their bed-and-breakfast room as a party zone:
Dick: Mary, however unpleasant your youth was, it's made you who you are today, a bright, accomplished, mature woman, the woman I love.
Mary: Ohh, Dick.
(the two kiss; after a pause, Dick groans and runs to the bathroom to throw up again)
- Dick Strikes Out: The new chancellor, who is slashing budgets everywhere, is nevertheless sucked up to by Mary, Judith, and Strudwick, but not Dick:
Chancellor Duncan: Oh, you must be Solomon.
Dick: The name is on the door. (points) Read it on your way OUT!!!
Dick: Oh, that's not gonna help.
- Tommy, and later Dick, being crestfallen when they discover that Mrs. Fetzel isn't a real person, but a character created by a marketing group.
- After Mary refuses to let Dick into her house, Dick grabs a brick on an impulse and throws it through her window. He immediately regrets it:
- Shall We Dick?: Dick's unreasonable demeanor as Mary's dance coach:
Dick: Step step, back, step-step, (Mary stumbles) no no no no no no NO! Back to one. Step, step, back, step-step. And- no. One question, hon. Are you a dancer or a water buffalo?
Mary: I'm trying my best!
Dick: I don't mean to be a bitch, Mary, but I thought you said you wanted to win this thing.
- Don and Tommy are waiting for Sally and Alissa at a clothes store, and Tommy stuffs mannequin arms up his sleeves out of boredom. After pestering a sleeping Don with the fake arms, Don grabs the arms out of Tommy's shirt, and briefly freaks out when he notices they're not real.
- Dick, to Strudwick at the dance contest: "Oh, by the way, Strudwick, a gorilla called. He wants his butt, which you're using for a face... back!"
- Dick and Harry Fall Down a Hole: The guy who's chosen to create a rescue plan for Dick and Harry is, oddly, named "Hole".
Hole: The point is, you don't beat the hole until you learn to think like the hole.
Sally: So, is that you thinking or the hole thinking?
Hole: This was never confusing before. It's you.
Harry: Know how I like to eat these? I like to suck 'em till the "m" comes off. Then I crack 'em open, eat the chocolate part first, save the shell for a light dessert.
- Harry driving Dick up the wall by describing in great detail how he eats M&Ms:
Dick: I see what you're doing. You're trying to control me.
Harry: You know, it's not just the green ones. They all make me horny.
Dick: How do you keep from cracking under such inhumane conditions? Teach me, Harry. Teach me to be more like you.
- Harry's "inspirational" speech to Dick:
Harry: Well, it's powerful stuff. Once you accept it, there's no going back. You ready to proceed? All right. All right. Now let me bring you inside my mind. Now picture yourself on a serene mountaintop, clear blue sky, sun shining, a cool breeze blowing through the wildflowers.
Dick: I see it.
Harry: Now, take away the flowers breeze sky mountaintop. Now what do you see?
Harry: Exactly. And that's what's in my head... all the time.
Sally: Oh, screw that noise! (pushes Dick and Harry) HEY! Get your idiot asses up there! (Dick and Harry immediately leave the hole) I've had it! Do you know how hard I worked to get you out?!
- Sally and Hole rescue Dick and Harry by digging a parallel hole, and when Sally tells the duo that they're free, they want to stay in the hole. Hole says they're experiencing a variant of the Stockholm Syndrome and that deprogramming them could take weeks. Sally will have none of it:
- Dick Solomon's Day Off: Dick crashes the chancellor's lunch wearing a bathrobe and pretending to have the Asiatic Flu. He claims Strudwick was the only one who faked a sick day, and is told to go home:
Dick: But if I'm going home, Strudwick, you're going home, too.
Strudwick: What? I'm not sick.
Dick: Oh, no? Say hello to the Asiatic Flu! (grabs Strudwick and kisses him on the mouth)
Strudwick: WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?! ARE YOU INSANE?!
Mary: Why the hell did you do that?! You're not sick!
Dick: Yes, I am... Oh, my god! No, I'm not! Then why... oh! Why did I use my tongue?!
- The Big Giant Head Returns Again: When Sally thinks Alissa is going to break up with Tommy:
Harry: Oh god, there's nothing we can do! We're POWERLESS against ALISSA!
- Fear and Loathing in Rutherford: Harry's "dance of death" with a power tool.
Don: My cop nose tells me that there's an ugliness spreading throughout this town. No one is safe. (cheerful) See ya!
- Don's warning to Tommy and Alissa when he suspects Strudwick of being a murderer:
- There's an homage to Planes, Trains and Automobiles where Dick and Strudwick have to share a bed at a hotel together. Don the cop busts through the door, thinking that they're serial killers or something, and Dick then violently cuddles Strudwick while shouting "Don't shoot! We're going to have a baby!"
- "Why Dickie Can't Teach": Tommy derides Dick's analogy that both Pendleton and Princeton serve fishsticks:
Tommy: My high school served fishsticks!
Dick: (hurt) I told you about the fish sticks in confidence.
Dick: This just in: you're going to Pendleton!
- In the same scene, Dick treats Tommy going to Pendleton as punishment:
Tommy: What? No, I'm not!
Dick: You are! It's an order! Does it burn?
Tommy: What is your problem? So you're a bad teacher. So bad, I thought you knew!
Dick: One more word out of you, and you're getting your Master's at Pendleton!
Tommy: But that is-
Dick: Care to go for your PhD?
Tommy: Dick, you're-
Dick: Oh, look who's on the tenure track: Dr. Tommy Solomon!
Don: Mr. DeMarmel's office.
- The Running Gag of butt grabbing: First, Tommy tries to grab Mary's butt when they hug, then Dick tries the same, and finally when Dick and Tommy hug at the end, they both reach for each other's butts.
- In the subplot, Don gets a short-lived job as a front desk employee at a meat corporation. Harry comes in and Don's on the phone, but thinks he's talking to him:
Harry: Well, it certainly is.
Don: Well, how are you?
Harry: Actually, I'm feelin' a little dizzy.
Don: I'm sorry, we're breaking up.
Harry: Well, that's news to me.
Don: You'll have to speak up.
Harry: (shouting) I SAID, THAT'S NEWS TO ME!
Don: Okay. Bye. (hangs up)
Harry: But I just got here!
- "Dick's Ark": Mary wants a weekend away from Dick, but Dick can't help but call her:
Dick: (sing-songy) Whatcha dooooooin'?
Mary: I'm watching a film.
Dick: Oh! Is it a film that we saw together and you're watching it because it reminds you of me?
Mary: (annoyed) If you must know, it's Deuce Bigalow: Male Gigolo.
Clerk: So, you're having a party?
- Harry invites a grocery clerk to the bomb shelter:
Harry: Well, it's actually more of a gathering. You know, just us and some loved ones. You know, my sister's Sally Storm.
Clerk: The weather girl who's always right?
Harry: Well, she's not always right. She didn't predict that I'd be meetin' a sweet little angel like yourself. Hey, you wanna come?
Clerk: I get off at 8.
Harry: No, no. The party's at 8. You'll get off at 9. (clerk smiles) You know somethin'? I like you so much, I'm gonna pay for these steaks. (pulls steaks out of his shirt)
- "Glengarry Glen Dick": Dick and Don buy a timeshare together, and visit it with Mary and Sally:
Don: My God, it's gorgeous! And only three hours and four car barges away!
Dick: Excuse me, sir? We're vacationing in the area. What is the one thing that we should not miss?
- The group of four is trying to find things to do in the small town where the timeshare is, so Dick asks a bar customer:
Man: Well, uh, there's the prison.
Dick: I see. Are there any crafts fairs?
Man: Oh, we got that. Prison crafts.
Mary: Community theater?
Man: They were gonna do Guys and Dolls at the prison, but some of the guys didn't want to be dolls.
Mrs. Dubcek: You see these capris? They used to be bike shorts.
- Dick's line at the end: "You know something? I believe that, like the mushrooms growing in the corner, our love for this place can only multiply."
- Harry's concerned that he's shrinking after Tommy is taller than him, and that fear is validated by Mrs. Dubcek:
Tommy: (to a guy in the waiting room) So, he used to be bigger than me, and then my aunt realized that I'm the bigger one now. He can't stand it. He makes me measure him, like, five times a day. When he wakes up, after his shower, after his stretching exercises. (the guy, weirded out, leaves) These guys are weird.
- Tommy sees an ad for a Rutherford Enlargement Clinic, and suggests Harry go to it. What follows is an entire subplot of One Dialogue, Two Conversations.
Doctor: Now, it says here you've been trying a variety of home remedies? Hanging from the ceiling?
- And when Harry visits the doctor:
Harry: With weights attached.
Doctor: That- that is unorthodox.
Harry: Well, I'm desperate! I'm shrinking.
Doctor: Shrinking? You do know there is a natural fluctuation in size based on excitement.
Harry: You mean I'm bigger when I'm watching professional wrestling.
Doctor: Well, to each his own.
- "You Don't Know Dick": Dick is under the false assumption that Mary's favorite movie is Gas Pump Girls.
- "My Mother, My Dick": Dick starts to bond with Mary's mother as he's helping her after a hip surgery, until she gets on his nerves like she did with Mary growing up. Towards the end, he is shouting at her:
Martha: (from other room) Diiiiick!
Martha: I want you to rub a little salve on my lumbar!
Dick: (to himself) I think it's time to cut this millstone from around my neck.
Mary: (from outside) Diiiick!
Dick: (in same fed up tone as before) WHAAAAT?!?! (sees that it's Mary) Oh, I, uh I'm sorry, Mary. For a moment there, you sounded unnervingly like your mother.
- "Mary Loves Scoochie, Pt. 2." In a last-ditch effort to stop Liam from destroying the world, the Solomons try to make him feel a bit more empathy for humanity:
Dick: You're missing the real Earth. Like the happiness in a child's eyes when a loving parent tucks him in safe at night.Sally: Or the wonder of two young lovers as they stroll down the beach dreaming of what is yet to be.Tommy: Or the quiet contentment of a couple in their autumn years as they sit and reflect on a life well spent together.Harry: Or hookers.
- In the series finale, when Dick tells Mary to think back on all their experiences together, with the perspective that he is an alien, she plays out a symphony of emotions, running the gamut from heartwarming joy to nauseated disgust to sheer terror, forming a glorious summation of the entire series.
- Dick screwing up his "wiping Mary's memories" maneuver at first by chopping her neck, prompting Mary to exclaim "OW!"
- The very last scene of the show, with the Solomon's singing, only to forget part of the song and just mumble along for a couple lines.