Dick: You think you're pretty clever, don't you? I happen to know that every word in your book was published years ago. Perhaps you've read... the dictionary!
Then he challenges him for "the woman that we both love" (referring to Mary), only for Jeff to go to his wife, and accuse her of cheating on him. She denies ever having met Dick, only for Jeff's brother to step in and declare that he's the one she's been cheating on him with, and the situation devolves from there.
The first season is just full of one-line hilarity. Another one, from the very first episode when the aliens arrive at the Dean's faculty party:
Hostess: Won't you come in? Sally: If you'll back up.
In "Dick is From Mars, Sally is From Venus," Dick has had enough with everyone's problems.
"I try to mold us into a family that will blend in, and what do I get? A surly teenager, a sister obsessed with a man, and a brother who drinks too much! Is there any other family in the whole like this?! I don't think so!"
The parent/teacher conference over Tommy's refusal to climb the rope in gym class.
Dick: Since when did my son become my responsibility? I mean, you're the ones who are falling down on the job. You're supposed to educating him! Knowledge is the only chance this planet has for survival. One day, you're gonna have to find someone to pull your butts out of the collective butts out of the cosmic pliers and all you'll have to pick from are a bunch of rope climbers! Teacher: Solomon, I think you're avoiding the real problem: the home environment. Dick: Well, of course I'm avoiding it! It's full of crazy people!
At a bar, Mary encourages Sally to deal with her pain over Brad not calling her by "letting it out." Sally responds by screaming at the top of her lungs.
"That really helped."
The episode where Dick dresses as a woman to infiltrate Mary's study group. Meanwhile, Tommy considers telling August that he's an alien.
Tommy: I can't stand this anymore, I've got to tell you something and you're not going to believe this at first and it might even make you sick. It's about my family. [cue Dick running into the room in drag] Dick: Well, that was a wash! [takes off shoes and wig] The woman I love won't let me be a woman! I need some herbal tea and a fat free cookie. [Dick exits, leaving August looking horrified] Tommy: Listen, August, what I needed to tell you is that - August: Don't speak, Tommy... don't speak. [she hugs him]
In another episode, Alissa walked in on Tommy (actually the oldest of the aliens) cuddling a distraught Dick. Alissa was freaked out and ran from the room. Tommy immediately said "Alissa, look, he's not really my dad, he's just some guy I'm living with!" After a beat, Tommy realizes that made it sound even worse.
In the episode from the first season when Harry first found out about the "thing in his head", Dick assures him that "it's not in the part you use — it's in your brain."
Harry deciding that clothes are one big scam.
Tommy: What should I wear to school tomorrow? Harry: EL NADA!
William Shatner, in a guest appearance as the Big Giant Head, gets off a plane and talks about how he had looked out the window and seen "something on the wing". Dick (John Lithgow) replies, "Same thing happened to me!" This is a double Shout-Out to a classic The Twilight Zone episode starring Shatner, which was later remade starring Lithgow.
"When you're thinking of giant heads, think of the BIG Giant Head."
In the first season, after Mary spends a weekend away, an overjoyed Dick runs to her in slow motion. It leads to Mary trying to crawl away from Dick on the floor as he glomps her, all the while Nina's hitting him with a newspaper. It must be seen to be believed.
Especially the part where it wasn't filmed in slo-mo - the actors did it all themselves. See for yourself.
Two Faced Dick altogether. Basically, the Big Giant Head switches Dick and Sally's brains for the duration of the episode. John Lithgow has to act like Kristen Johnson's character, and vice versa, right down to the body language and tone of voice.
"Hey, Dick. Can we touch 'em?" "Be my guest, they're not mine." "HEY!"
In Dick Solomon Of The Indiana Solomons, the unit is mistakenly invited to a family reunion for some guy named Richard Solomon. During the reunion, Harry meets Uncle Abe and starts to take on his mannerisms, and the two Statler and Waldorf their way throughout the whole episode.
The entire episode of Dick vs Strudwick, especially towards the end of the episode where Dick turns discussion of Strudwick's new physics textbook into a Jerry Springer -esque brawl.
In one of the early episodes where the aliens are discovering some of the frustrations of human family life. Dick and Sally are arguing and Tommy comes into the kitchen.
Tommy: You know, August finds us quite charming in our naive determination to stay together. [Tommy drinks from milk carton] Dick: You tell your little girlfriend August to mind her own business! Sally: Yeah, and don't drink out of the milk carton! [Tommy loudly spits milk back into carton] Tommy: Fine!
When Mary's brother Roy comes to visit her at work and runs into Nina.
Roy: Gosh, you don't sound black on the phone... Nina: *Beat* It's just something I picked up in spy school.
Dick's trouble using the copy machine, until he declares "I'm going to beat you with your own toner!" At the end of the episode, Mary tries to show him how to do it, only to run into the same problem and also pull out the toner.
She doesn't pull out the toner. She starts hitting the machine with her fist, and THEN Dick hands her the toner.
When Sally thinks Alissa is going to break up with Tommy:
Harry: Oh god, there's nothing we can do! We're POWERLESS against ALISSA!
In one episode, we find Dick reading through a physics textbook, laughing his ass off. Then he pulls out the Dr. Seuss...
Dick: "When beetles fight these battles in a bottle with their paddles and the bottle's on a poodle and the poodle's eating noodles...they call this a muddle puddle tweetle poodle beetle noodle bottle paddle battle." (slowly closes book, looks at cover) This man is a genius.
Not just any physics book - it's A Brief History of Time.
DICK: The people on this planet will swallow anything.
Then he leaves, offended by the age joke in Mary's birthday card - squeeeeeksqueeeeeeksqueeeeeksqueeeeek...
Dick's Failed Attempt at Drama after an argument with a neighbour. "Fine! We can tell when we're not wanted!" He storms out. Harry, Tommy and Sally don't move. Dick comes back. "We're not wanted." They get it and follow him.
Dick not understanding how Good Cop/Bad Cop is supposed to work.
Sally suddenly starts to flatter and praise Dick, then...
Dick:What are you doing?
"FAME! I wanna live forever! Burn in the sky like a flame! FAME!
In one episode Sally wants to act like a centerfold model. Harry tells her the numerous actions he has observed centerfold models do to look seductive, and one of them is that the models look at their boobs and act as if they saw them for the first time. So he tells Sally to reenact the first time she saw her boobs. Sally looks at them and screams.
From Jolly Old St. Dick:
While choosing Secret Santa for the office Dick picks Judith and is ANYTHING but subtle about it.
Harry working as an elf for a Mall Santa, where he describes it as a winter wonderland for children "one to ninety-one".
Harry: Oh, um, children 14 to 91 should not sit on Santa's lap.
Dick (standing in line): DAMN!
Dick decides to get a Christmas tree and arrives in a man's front lawn.
Man: Hey, buddy, can I help you? Dick: No thank you. I have a chainsaw. (as Dick starts cutting, sirens sound and lights flash) Dick: Merry Christmas, officer!
"Have you ever felt a taser? Not nearly as much fun as it looks."
Dick interrupting an argument about the nature of truth with Mary in "Truth or Dick" to hunt down the fly he'd been trying to swat at the beginning of the episode. He tracks it down to Mary's desk, only for her to bugspray it.
Sally using Techno Babble to describe various snacks at a party, then simply calling a cocktail weenie a cocktail weenie. Followed up by Harry mentioning that he's seen them before, and that they should be bigger.
The cold open to "Dick for Tat", where the Solomons are playing an adult board game.
Sally: (moving piece) Okay, "Lover or Loser". That should be fun.
Dick: (reading card) With what celebrity would you be tempted to cheat on your mate?
Harry: Jon Voight.
Tom: Man, let her answer.
Harry: Say Jon Voight.
And of course, when they played Monopoly.
Harry: Go to jail. Go directly to jail. Do not pass go, do not collect $200, and do not, I repeat, do not drop the soap.
The Big Giant Head apparently has an assistant appropriately named Big Giant Jenny.