History Funny / ThirdRockFromTheSun

* Harry in the toy store, touching everything he walks past: "I want that, I want that, I want that, I want that..." until he's slapped in the head by Sally.

'''Bug:'': Right when that little stick thing turns blue.

** Not just ''any'' physics book - it's A Brief History of Time.

* Dick, lying on their taxes: "I played with the numbers a bit, entered a few harmless clerical mistakes, and guess what. The government now owes us $375.... [[UpToEleven THOUSAND dollars!"]]

* The Big Giant Head switches Dick and Sally's brains for the duration of the episode. Creator/JohnLithgow has to act like Kristen Johnson's character, and vice versa, right down to the body language and tone of voice.
** After realising what happened Sally sits down and tries to cross her legs only to get a [[GroinAttack painful reminder]] of her new anatomy. Tommy and Harry suggest she may want to wear a cup until she gets used to it.

* Creator/WilliamShatner, as the Big Giant Head, gets off a plane and talks about how he had looked out the window and seen "something on the wing". Dick (Creator/JohnLithgow) replies, "Same thing happened to me!" This is a double ShoutOut to the classic ''Series/TheTwilightZone'' episode starring Shatner, which was later [[Film/TwilightZoneTheMovie remade]] starring Lithgow.

'''Dick''': No, Nina. Little Davey Tennant, the boy down the block. You see, ever since he was 3 years old, Davey's wanted more than anything to see a real professional baseball game. He wished the biggest wish his little heart could muster. But his dad was laid off and couldn't afford the tickets. Well one day last week, little Davey was outside playing ball like he always does, and who should walk up the block, tall as a building, but home run king Mark [=McGwire=]. To see little Davey's eyes light up as [=McGwire=] handed him well, it's something that I will never forget. ''({{Beat}})'' ...'''[[SuddenlyShouting YES]]''', [[AskAStupidQuestion Strudwick's face! Stop asking such stupid questions!]]

'''Mary''': Because I hate them.

'''Tommy''': [[BrutalHonesty Cheap.]]\\
'''Harry''': Yeah, that's it. Cheap.

** "Hey, Dick. Can we touch 'em?" "Be my guest, they're not mine." "HEY!"

--> '''Dick''': Oh! I'm a menace to my fellow creatures.\\
'''Mary''': Well, you can't save every living creature. Some live, some die, that's just life happening.\\
'''Dick''': That's just animals. What about us?\\
'''Mary''': We ARE animals! We eat like animals, sleep like animals, have sex like animals.\\
'''Dick''': Oh yeah, especially after a bottle of Tequila.\\
'''Mary''': Oh, yeah. Just be grateful you're at the top of the food chain and nothing eats you.\\
'''Dick''': Oh, yeah? What about that shark in ''Film/{{Jaws}}''? He's so scary.\\
'''Mary''': Fine, have it your way. The whole world is just one giant savage smorgasbord. And if you don't like it, I'm afraid you're just gonna have to build a rocket and jet off to some kinder, gentler planet.\\
'''Dick''': Oh, yeah, no, that would be the ''easy'' way out.

--> '''Mary''': ...Did you kiss that dead chipmunk?\\
'''Dick''': Not on the lips. ''(Mary groans)''

-->'''Harry''': Go to jail. Go directly to jail. Do not pass go, do not collect $200, and do not, I repeat, do not drop the soap.

--> '''Dick''': Do you think we live on the wrong side of the tracks?\\
'''Tommy''': What are you talking about? The tracks are right over there.\\
'''Sally''': Yeah, if we lived on the ''other'' side of them, we'd have to wait for the train to pass every time we went to the liquor store.

--> '''Mr. St. Clair''': Say, you must come by the club. The boys should meet you. It'd be a kick.\\

--> '''Sally''': Headbutts. Ya ready? ''(is stopped just in time by Dick coming up the stairs)''

--> '''Dick''': Nina, did you make the appointment for my high colonic?\\
'''Nina''': There are two things I don't do. I don't pick up dry cleaning, and I don't schedule enemas, m'kay?

--> '''Pitman''': One day he told me if I liked long hair so much, maybe I should join the circus.\\
'''Prosecutor''': Were you hurt by that?\\
'''Pitman''': No. More confused.

---> '''Judith''': After reviewing all the testimony, the disciplinary committee unanimously votes to admonish Dr. Solomon.\\

--> '''Dick''': There's going to be some changes around here. From now on, your desk will be your girlfriend. Her name will be Lucille. She will be the only woman in your life.\\

--> '''Harry''': Because it came OUT of the mail.\\

--> '''Girl 1''': There's my daddy.\\

--> '''Sally''': ''(as Barbie)'' "Okay, Ken, so what do you want to do today?"\\

--> '''Dick''': Is that where you do emotional family reaction shots?\\

--> '''Nina''': Oh, and then I rinse, and repeat, and then I rinse, and then I'm done.

--> '''Sonja''': Can't you see, it's bigger than both of us?\\

--> '''Sonja''': The game is not over until I say it's over.\\

--> '''Harry''': Okay. They run down the hallway.\\

--> '''Dick''': Give me your tomato.\\

--> '''Dick''': I'm huge! Oh, Nina! I'm doomed, doomed to a life of forlorn pudgery. I'm gonna be referred to as "husky" and "jolly". People will nickname me "tiny," and they'll laugh and throw rotten fruit at my rear as I pass them in the streets!\\

--> '''Dick''': ''(triumphantly)'' My pants fit! I won the war!\\

--> '''Mary''': One more word out of you and you're not getting paid!

--> '''Mary''': Stop! Stop! This experiment is over! ''(Harry and Tommy bow; the class claps)'' Shut up! ''(to Harry and Tommy)'' Get out!\\

--> '''Dick''': That duplicitous old FART!... which is our nickname for him.

--> '''Harry''': You know, Dick, I don't think you have a clue about earth women. Matter of fact, I don't think you'd be too good with women from any planet. ''(to Sally)'' Speaking of women, I think you're incredibly hot. You know, we're not really brother and sister. It's all made up. What say we have a go at it? You, me, and a stick of butter. What do you say?

--> "I've had sex before and I know how to do it."\\

--> '''Mary''': OH NO!!!\\

--> '''Dick''': Will there be ladies?\\

---> '''Don''': Dick, have I told you that I've been in therapy for the past 5 years?\\

--> '''Don''': So I'm reading the Miranda rights to this girl whose name actually turns out to be Miranda!

---> '''Dick's date''': So, Dick, um do you have any hobbies?\\

--> '''Guy''': He shoots, he scores!\\

--> '''Mary''': You know, if I were the dean, I'd slap you in the face.\\

---> '''Dick''': Think back, Mary. Don't you remember the romance?\\

--> '''Mary''': I remember the first time I saw you. You walked in like cock of the walk. You knew what you wanted, and you took it! Just like a cat takes... what does a cat take?\\

---> '''Tommy''': 'Cause you're a freakin' ''MOOSE'', that's why!

---> '''Mary''': Well, I don't understand these charges. I did ''not'' watch ''Beastmaster's Revenge'' four times. I don't even know what a Beastmaster is! ''(listens)'' Well, that does sound intriguing, but I didn't order it. And what is ''Ultimate Warrior Bloodbath '98?'' ....Oh, wait. I ''did'' order that.

--> '''Don''': I'm sorry I'm late, kids, but I was involved in one of the world's scariest police chases.\\

--> '''Dick''': Well, if you're Tommy, answer me this: are we, or are we not aliens?\\

--> '''Dr. Neesam''': Ah yes, the dim-witted brother and the surly adolescent.\\

--> '''Tommy''': The resolution is perfect.\\

--> '''Harry''': ''(clutching and shaking Vicki)'' Now you listen to me, baby. This isn't about doctors or medicine. It's about you and me, baby.\\

--> '''Dick''': Oh, I can't get his face out of my mind!\\

--> '''Don''': I can't even make a swan out of a napkin.\\

--> '''Dick''': ''(grabbing an employee)'' Walk with me. What do you do here?\\

--> '''Dick''': Wait. Do we need two guards? I don't think so. Fire them both and get one big one!

-->'''Tommy:''' ''[to a guy in the waiting room]'' So, he used to be bigger than me, and then my aunt realized that I'm the bigger one now. He can't stand it. He makes me measure him, like, five times a day. When he wakes up, after his shower, after his stretching exercises. ''[the guy, weirded out, leaves]'' These guys are weird.

-->'''Hostess''': Won't you come in?\\
'''Sally''': If you'll back up.

---> '''Nina''': Nice dress.\\
'''Sally''': It's just something I threw on.\\
'''Nina''': Yeah. Well, you almost missed. ''[walks away]''

--->'''Dick''': I want to try again. I want very much to feel, and I want, even more, to be felt, and I mean that [[{{Malaproper}} from the heart of my bottom]].\\
'''Mary''': Well... yours up.

---> '''Sally''': Who's that?\\
'''Tommy''': This is Tina. She's the one that got us sick.\\
'''Sally''': ''DESTROY THE INCUBATOR!!''\\

--->'''Dick:''' Since when did my son become my responsibility? I mean, you're the ones who are falling down on the job. You're supposed to educating him! Knowledge is the only chance this planet has for survival. One day, you're gonna have to find someone to pull your butts out of the collective butts out of the cosmic pliers and all you'll have to pick from are a bunch of rope climbers!\\

-->'''Dick''': Mrs. Cross, you smoke, too?\\
'''Mrs. Cross''': ''[''extremely'' low and gravely voice]'' It comes as a surprise to many people.

-->'''Dick''': [[WhoWantsToLiveForever Yeah, but that's off the ''end'' of your life, and those years are crappy anyway.]]

--> '''Sally''': Tommy, I'm hereby placing you under house arrest.\\
'''Teacher''': I just thought counseling--\\
'''Sally''': Your rations will be cut in half. You will report to calisthenics at 0500, sharp.\\
'''Tommy''': Could I be placed in a foster home or something?\\
'''Sally''': I'm his mother. I'll handle him.\\
'''Teacher''': I thought you were his sister.\\
'''Sally''': [[HandWave Sister, mother, whatever.]]\\
'''Tommy''': ''(on their way out)'' I think you're actually my aunt.\\
'''Harry''': ''(to teacher)'' [[TangledFamilyTree In our family, it's kind of hard to tell.]]

-->'''Dick''': You think you're pretty clever, don't you? I happen to know that every word in your book was published ''years'' ago. Perhaps you've read... ''[[ExactWords the dictionary!]]''

-->'''Roy''': Gosh, you don't sound black on the phone...\\
'''Nina''': *{{Beat}}* It's just something I picked up in spy school.

-->'''Tommy''': You know, August finds us quite charming in our naive determination to stay together.\\

'''Dick''': You tell your little girlfriend August to mind her own business!\\
'''Sally''': Yeah, and don't drink out of the milk carton!\\

'''Tommy''': Fine!

--> '''Dick:''' ''What'' are you doing?
--> '''Sally:''' Lying. You like it?

--> '''Dick''': Prepare to meet... YOUR MUSE!!! ''(disrobes to his birthday suit; gives a naughty face to Mary)''\\
'''Harry''': ...I'm gonna need more pink.

-->'''Tommy''': I can't stand this anymore, I've got to tell you something and you're not going to believe this at first and it might even make you sick. It's about my family.\\

'''Dick''': Well, that was a wash! ''[takes off shoes and wig]'' The woman I love won't let me be a woman! I need some herbal tea and a fat free cookie.\\

'''Tommy''': Listen, August, what I needed to tell you is that -\\
'''August''': Don't speak, Tommy... don't speak.\\

--> '''Harry''': Wow. [[BrutalHonesty You suck.]]

--> '''Mrs. Dubcek''': You go down to the station, you ask for officer Franco, an Italian gentlemen, [[CatchPhrase very nice.]] He came right over when my boyfriend got beat up in my living room.\\
'''Dick''': Your boyfriend got beat up in your own house?\\
'''Mrs. Dubcek''': Yeah. Well, my husband didn't care for him.

-->'''Harry:''' Has the Big Giant Head ever called us?
--> '''Dick''': Not yet.
--> '''Tommy''': Well, how will we know when he does?
--> '''Dick''': Harry will suddenly go blank, and stare off into space.
--> '''Tommy''': ''[looks over at Harry doing... [[CloudCuckoolander pretty much that]]]'' Like I ''said,'' how will we ''know'' when he does?

[[AC:1x19 -- Selfish Dick]]

--> '''Dick:''' Dr. Albright! Your hand is on my knee!\\

-->'''Evil Dick:''' I am your new commander. And you will refer to me as such.
-->'''Harry:''' Okay...such.
-->''[Evil Dick [[DeathGlare glares]]]''

-->'''Sally:''' Wait, we have so much more hair than you do.
-->'''Evil Dick:''' ''[wheels on them, affronted]'' You will never mention that again!

--> '''George''': $3,000?... Well, that's all right. I can afford it. I'm a famous actor.\\
'''Clerk''': I'm sorry. That's ''$30,000'', Mr. Takei.\\
'''George''': Oh, my! ''(after the Carsey-Werner logo)'' Fourteen bottles of champagne, shrimp cocktails, hummus on pita tips? Look, I had a toblerone and two ginger ales. That's it! Seven massages? How could I get seven massages? Do I look relaxed? ''Do'' I?!\\
'''Clerk''': ''(opens his suitcase)'' What's this?\\
'''George''': All right, so I took one towel. One towel! I'm George Takei, damn it!

--> '''Sally''': ''[[Film/HomewardBoundTheIncredibleJourney Homeward Bound]]''. Is this supposed to help?\\
'''Dick''': Couldn't hurt. The scene where the cat falls off the wet log... ''(makes a satisfied face)'' You'll notice that part of the tape is a little worn.

--> '''Gansmiller''': ''(to Mary)'' I don't know if you're old enough to vote.\\
'''Dick''': Yes, she is. She's 44.

--> '''Dick''': Badgers don't suck, they ''bite''!

--> '''Dick''': Sine, sine, cosine, sine! 3.14159!\\
'''Karen''': Sine, sine, cosine, sine! 3.14... ''(realizes no one's joining her and awkwardly stops)''

--> '''Dr. Menard''': What is the outer envelope or atmosphere of gas surrounding the sun called?\\

'''Dick''': IT'S CALLED THE CORONA! YOU'VE BEEN THERE! YOU KNOW THAT!

--> '''Dick''': Tommy didn't even want to come to this robot factory outlet. I made him. ME, ME, MEEE! And now I'm putting him back in a real school where he can be himself, the kind of school where kids aren't judged on how well they test or how much they know, where they aren't judged at ALL! Where they have the freedom to stay faceless and nameless from K through 12, carrying their diplomas straight through the golden arches and on into their waiting [=McJobs=]!

--> '''Sally''': Remember when we said that two sexes must be so limiting? I think Glenn found a loophole.

--> '''Dick''': He loves you, Mary!

--> '''Sally''': ''(to Dick, angrily)'' There you are! ''(to toddler, sweetly)'' There you are. ''(to Dick, angrily)'' I'll deal with you, ''(to toddler, sweetly)'' as soon as I deal with you, sweetie. Come on, honey. ''(to Dick, growling)'' COME ON, DICK!

* Dick: "Nina, stand up, show everyone how you put the "ass" in "assistant"."

-->'''Judith''': For the love of ''God'' let him draw again!

-->'''Harry''': Oh, um, please note that children 16 to 91 should ''not'' sit on Santa's lap.
-->'''Dick''' (''standing in line''): DAMN!

--->'''Man:''' Hey, buddy, can I help you?\\

--> '''Customer''': How do you make your burgers?\\
'''Dick''': Excellent question. First a clamp comes down onto the cow's head, forcing it onto a conveyor belt, where a prod is inserted into the cow's rectum, electrocuting it.\\
'''Customer''': ...give me two.

---->'''Dick''': (in resignation) Would you like a fried pie with that?
---->'''Mary''': Yes.
---->'''Dick''': (horrified) No, Mary, don't do it!
---->'''Mary''': Give me the pie!
---->'''Dick''': ''Mary, you have your whole life ahead of you!''

-->'''Sally''': (begins wiping Harry's face) Geez, Harry, you're a mess.
-->'''Tommy''': Where have you been?
-->'''Harry''': Well, I'm not sure. My mind's a complete blank.
-->'''Tommy''': [[TakeThat So then you're fine.]]

--->'''Harry''': Hello. I've been awake for 16 days.\\
'''Mary''': That must be a record.\\
'''Harry''': So, I've got to know, are you one of them?\\
'''Mary''': I'm just going to step out of this closet now.\\
'''Harry''': If you are who you say you are, then who won the world series in 1956? ''(rapidly turning the lightbulb on and off)'' Huh? Huh? Who? Who? Huh? Huh?\\
'''Mary''': I don't know!\\
'''Harry''': ''(overjoyed)'' I don't know either!

---->'''Harry''': Dick quit his job?\\
'''Tommy''': Yeah, why do you think he was working at Rusty's?\\
'''Harry''': ''Dick was working at Rusty's?!''\\
'''Sally''': Jeez, Harry, don't you know ''anything''?\\
'''Harry''': Nope. All I know is, I've got a transmitter in my head, and ''Series/CharliesAngels'' is on weeknights at seven.

-->'''Sally''': All right, gentlemen, prepare yourself for a fancy feast.
-->'''Dick''': Fancy feast? Can we afford that?
-->'''Sally''': Yes, we can! Because while I was shopping today, I found this aisle in the back that had these unbelievable savings: [[FailedASpotCheck tuna, liver, and new seafood blend for you finicky types!]]

---->'''Mary''': All right, keep your pride. Suffer all you want. But what about your family?
---->'''Dick''': There's nothing wrong with my family!
---->'''Mary''': [[YouHaveGOTToBeKiddingMe Your son is eating cat food!]]
---->'''The Solomons''': (slowly dawning horror) '''''Cat food?!''''' (Tommy spits it out; Sally and Dick practically almost vomit)

---> '''Dick''': ''(lying on the floor at Dewey's feet)'' Please! Please take me back!\\
'''Dewey''': Sorry, can't do it.\\
'''Dick''': Please! Please! I'll do anything! Just name it!\\
'''Dewey''': You can apologize.\\
'''Dick''': ''(briefly stands on his knees, seemingly indignant)'' You want me to APOLOGIZE?!\\
'''Dewey''': Yes.\\
'''Dick''': ''(at Dewey's feet again)'' I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry!\\
'''Dewey''': Fine, you can begin tomorrow.\\
'''Dick''': ''(briefly back on his knees)'' In my new parking spot? ''(Dewey stares)'' I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry!

--> '''Dick''': Now, everyone watch once again as I act out the play in its entirety. ''(the actors groan)''

---> '''Dick''': ''(proudly)'' [[ComicallyMissingThePoint I have redefined my art.]]

[[AC:2x15 -- Guilty as Dick]]

--> '''Mary''': I heard the news. Wow! It happened so suddenly.\\
'''Dick''': Cut to the chase, Mary. Sally, [[BrutalHonesty she thinks you're crazy.]]\\
'''Sally''': What?!\\
'''Mary''': No, I didn't say that. It's-- it's just that I'm concerned. I want the best for you and this all happened so quickly.\\
'''Sally''': Mary, you are so transparent. You're jealous.\\
'''Mary''': What?\\
'''Dick''': You ARE!\\
'''Sally''': Yeah. You are! You wanna get married too.\\
'''Dick''': You do!\\
'''Mary''': Well sure, when I'm ready.\\
'''Sally''': And you don't think I'm ready?\\
'''Mary''': Well, I just think you should wait.\\
'''Sally''': Until when? I'm middle-aged and I have to walk out of the bedroom backwards so my husband won't see my ripply butt?\\
'''Dick''': Mary! ''That's what you do!''

--> '''Dick''': Gentlemen, how do you know when it's time to get married?\\
'''Bug''': Right when that little stick thing turns blue.

--> '''Dick''': And they wonder why old downtown Rutherford is dead. You can't get into the stores!

--> '''Mary''': ''(confused)'' Maybe... if I gain a lot weight.

--> '''Mary''': Sorry.\\
'''Dick''': Mary!\\
'''Mary''': I ''said'' I was sorry.\\
'''Dick''': No no, it's fine. I've never heard you do that before. Do you realize what this means?\\
'''Mary''': Beef and broccoli?\\
'''Dick''': Yes, but so much more! Don't you see, it didn't bother you. And I didn't bother me!\\
'''Mary''': Well, good, 'cause there's another one on the way.

--> '''Dick''': ''(offended)'' Mary, how could you? How could you do this to Chippy?\\
'''Mary''': I'm not eating Chippy.\\
'''Dick''': Oh, not now, but where will this carnage end?\\
'''Mary''': ''(fed up)'' Dick, sit down and eat your beets.

--> '''Dick''': Three days ago, at exactly 6:38 P.M., two lives were forever changed. But in the aftermath of that violent collision, a flower of hope blossomed and that hope ignited a flame of inspiration which fueled a desire that inspired a dream-\\
'''Tommy/Mary''': Okay we get it! / Oh for God's sake!

---> '''Tommy''': This is Tina. She's the one that got us sick.\\
---> '''Sally''': ''DESTROY THE INCUBATOR!!''\\