- Max telling Caroline about Han Li, the restaurant owner:
"Clientele used to be all Eastern block criminals and crack whores, but then he took it over and ruined it."
- Max's shock when she sneaks into Caroline's old town house.
"Your clothes have a house!"
"You have a shoe rotisserie."
- Max asking Caroline if she dated the white or the really, really white one
"The really, really white one."
- After Caroline sucessfully sells 4 of Earl's CDs at the diner.
Max: "Is any of that true?"
Earl: "Nope. She even made up my damn last name."
Caroline: "Really? Now? Really? While I'm helping you?"
Max: "You're right. We'll trash you later."
- This moment from "And The Pretty Problem:"
Look, I don't want to wake you up, so why don't you sleep in my bed and I'll sleep on your vagina. Caroline:
Just make sure you buy me breakfast afterwards.
- Max's riposte after the hippie cafe owner says no to her cupcakes for not being pretty enough.
- In "And The Hoarder Culture":
Caroline: See? That's one box of Butterfinger wrappers gone.
Caroline: It's a metaphor, Douglas!
- From "And The Very Christmas Thanksgiving" when Han announces that he's decorating the diner for Thanksgiving:
Max: I'm surprised that you got the right holiday decorations. You put out Easter bunnies for Yom Kippur.
Han: So many Jewish holidays I don't have time to Wikipedia all of them. What, like I don't have a life?"
- Also, this:
Caroline: Oh God, you aren't gonna be one of those "I'm too cool for the wonders of Christmas" type of bitches, are you?
Max: I'm so many types of bitches I've lost count.
- Every line uttered during Han's staff meeting in "And The Pop-Up Sale"
- Max is a Deadpan Snarker so she's a great source of these, especially in "And The Secret Ingredient". Caroline has some great lines too, like "If men had periods tampons would be thrown like beads at a Mardi Gras parade."
- This exchange from "And The Upstairs Neighbor", after one of Oleg's suggestive comments goes too far for Caroline:
We have got to have a sexual harassment seminar. Max:
What for? He's already so good at it.
- Pretty much anything Sophie says during "and Three Boys with Wood." Special note goes to, after the two Amish boys are building a barn for Caroline's horse, Sophie deciding she needs some "attention" and asks them to come fix something for her. They ask what she needs fixed, she looks back into her room, runs offscreen and then a loud smash is heard, and she yells "That!"
- Andy comes to pick Caroline up for a date.
Andy: Hello sirnote , I'm here to pick up your daughter.
Max: What exactly are your intentions?
Andy: I don't know, maybe take her out on a romantic hayride, knock her out with chloroform and sell her kidney for a new iPad.
- Max making the dolls do various sex acts with the marionette at the end of "And the Broken Hip."
- In "The Worst Selfie Ever," Max's retort to Carline's claim of an itch "Down South":
Maz: Yeah, you woke it up, now it's hungry!
- Max's reaction to the back room of the diner in "And The Window of Opportunity":
Max: I'm pretty sure this is what the inside of my soul looks like.
- Caroline's pants accidentally rip in the back, so she tries to stitch them back together...with a stapler. That goes about as well as you'd expect it to.
*stapling down her rear and between her legs...when Caroline suddenly grimaces in pain*
Caroline: Max...I may be a virgin again...
- The entire scene where they go to the strip club in "And the Girlfriend Experience"
- In "And The It Hole", Earl says he doesn't go to the beach because a shark will eat him. This ensues:
Caroline: The chances of a shark eating you are like .00001 percent.
Earl: Not if you're black. Sharks are racist as hell. Why do you think they call them "great whites?"
- Caroline's disgusted facial expressions every time she gets kissed by Blarney in "And the Kilt Trip".
- Han trying to help Oleg move and groaning lifting a box.
Han: This is so heavy, what's in it?
Oleg: Socks! Really, Hans, it's like your arms are only there for decoration!
- Max and Caroline's exchange about Caroline's frilly (and broken) designer heels:
Max: I can't believe you masking taped the shoe to your leg.
Caroline: [T]hese are Christian Louboutins. And even all busted up like this they still have the classic red bottoms!
Max: You know what else has red bottoms? Baboons. Walk around with a couple of them on your feet and I'm impressed. [Studies the shoes.] Well, at least now you can't see those stupid bows. Who put bows on their shoes? What's the gift? Your stinky feet?
- When Max accuses Caroline of "invading her privacy" (after catching her rummaging through a box of her receipts):
Caroline: Invade your privacy? You shave your junk with the door open!
Caroline: To the apartment!