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Funny / Team Fortress 2 In Game

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Moments pages are Spoilers Off. You Have Been Warned.

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    Item Descriptions 
  • The Balloonicorn's item description. Hey, it's a pink inflatable unicorn that floats alongside you! That's just adorable, right? Well, the Balloonicorn isn't as adorable as he looks...
    Oh my goodness! Is it Balloonicorn? The Mayor of Pyroland? Don't be ridiculous, we're talking about an inflatable unicorn. He's the Municipal Ombudsman. Between you and me, Balloonicorn's a joke down at City Hall. Gary Brottman, the inflatable Sewer Superintendent, is sleeping with Balloonicorn's wife. Anyway, when he's riding around on your shoulder don't mention ANY of this to him, because Balloonicorn is on a hair trigger and he's usually pretty drunk.
    • Valve's product description for the real-life version also deserves mention:
      Liked Balloonicorn so much in the Pyromania Update that you'd like to take him home with you? Because Balloonicorn could really use a place to crash at for a bit (one, two weeks max), he's going through a bit of a rough patch right now. Also, you totally won't even know he's there. Hey, look, also, could you pick Balloonicorn up some smokes on the way home? He's good for it, he's just waiting to get some money wired to him.
    • Also, the Reindoonicorn continues the suggestions that Pyroland ain't all it's cracked up to be...:
      Tenth Most Famous Reindeer? Not for long! Reindoonicorn may have hit rock bottom after being benched in favor of a mutant with a bioluminescent growth on his nose, but those decades spent bouncing from one halfway house to the next have given him all the grit and determination he needs to get back on top! That and the fact that he's recently been seen hanging around with nine heavily armed lunatics practically guarantees that this is one reindeer to watch out for.
  • The description of the Sniper's Sir Hootsalot (An owl on his shoulder)
    If owls are so smart, why did this one let you glue it to your shoulder? Come to think of it, neither one of you is looking like a super-genius on this one.
  • The description of the Seal Mask.
    Turn routine melee attacks into environmental hate crimes with this adorable mask.
  • The description of the Electric Escorter (a lightbulb in the Pyro's head).
    "And it seems to me you lived your life/with a lightbulb in your head/wishing you had cleaned the hole/as the cephalic tetanus spreads" - Elton John, words by Bernie Taupin
  • The description of the Scout's Batter's Helmet (a baseball helmet)
    You'll be batting a thousand (skulls in) when you don this red piece of plastic!
  • The description of the Scout's Track Terrorizer (a track jacket), which reveals a scheme he thought up to impress women.
    For a brief stint in high school, Scout joined the track team in one of his many schemes to pick up girls. He was kicked off the team after three days when everyone realized he was 23-years-old and also not enrolled in the school.
  • The description of the Spooky Shoes (socks with a skeleton design):
    From Hell! Size 666! Outside of Hell, that’s a 5 1/2. Men’s! Experience the agonizing terror of tiny man feet!
  • The description of the Soldier's Captain's Cocktails (two soup cans that replace the Soldier's grenades.)
    Attention, tramps! Are you MAN enough to carry around cans full of expired soup? Are you CRAZY enough to pretend they're grenades? Are you HUNGRY enough to probably eat the soup later, when nobody's looking? We bet yes!
  • The Distinguished Rogue for Spy:
    This coat does so much of the heavy lifting to make you look like a sophisticated man of espionage, you won't need to wear anything else at all. Watch those heads turn the next time you attend a fancy gala completely nude except for a coat. So jealous. How about that guy calling the police? Is HE jealous? Yeah he is.
  • The description for the Soldier's Stogie, which reveals that Soldier handmakes his own cigars with... unique ingredients.
    Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar. And sometimes, as is the case with this hand-rolled Soldier cigar, it's gravel, manure, human hair, and taco seasoning wrapped up in old band-aids.
  • The description for the Soldier's Sparkplug.
    Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar. Other times it is a sparkplug. Sometimes it is a boot. The important thing is that you have something in your mouth that is on fire.
  • The description for the Soldier's Big Daddy.
    Enjoy all of the benefits of being President (leading the free world, joining up with bank-robbing surf-gangs, steep discounts at fast food restaurants) with this tricky Presidential mask.
  • Unlike hats, descriptions for weapons tend to be pretty matter of fact... except the Boston Basher:
    On hit: Bleed for 5 seconds
    On Miss: Hit yourself. Idiot.
  • The description for the Ullapool Caber is another pretty good exception:
    High-yield Scottish face removal.
    A sober person would throw it...
  • For the Ball-Kicking Boots
    ''Show balls who is the boss"
  • The description for the Heavy's Cold War Luchador.
    The most terrifying Soviet/Latino partnership since the Cuban Missile Crisis.
  • The Lil' Snaggletooth bring us this
    'When I grow up, I want to be a hat.' -Li'l Snaggletooth
  • The Spooky Sleeves
    Get these now, before Glenn Danzig finds out about them and buys them all! Seriously, you can have a world where these spooky sleeves are in stock, or a world where Glenn Danzig exists, but not both! Hurry! He's googling "spooky sleeves" RIGHT NOW!
  • The Zipperface in and of itself is Nightmare Fuel, but the description fits right on this page:
    "Daddy, what does your skull look like?" "I guess we'll never know, thanks to my stupid face." Pow-zoop! Zipperface! Never look like an idiot in front of your kids again!
  • Several of the Medic's hats released in the Summer Event 2013 had mock-German names and descriptions "translated from German", resulting in hilarious Intentional Engrish for Funny. For example:
    Das Maddendoktor: "My laughter is not borne from joy! I have birthed a devil! It is acceptable to me!"
    Das Fantzipantzen: "Fancy men are beautiful but weak! You are a strong filthy idiot. Take what is rightfully yours!"
    Das Ubersternmann: "You are not important but I am. My hat is a secret hat."
  • The Alakablamicon.
    "The True Horrors of the fabled Bombinomicon have managed to transfigure its own consciousness into an even more scary, evil, and very fashionable hat! (NOTE: Do not let this hat own land development)."
  • The Bone Cone.
    "Witchcraft and wizardry? Bah! A thing of the past! Those who truly strive to haunt, those who deserve it are the ones who go to medical school, fail, drop out, and then find this hat upon their heads."
  • The Scariest Mask EVER, which is literally just a notebook sheet with a skull crudely scribbled on it being used for a mask.
    "Here's the problem: you want to convince people this Halloween that you are an ACTUAL SKELETON, but you don't have the money for a fancy costume or tissue-removal surgery. This mask won't help you achieve your goal, but at least it fits your budget by costing under a dime."
  • The Twisted Topper.
    "This Halloween-themed top hat truly has it all! Orange and black stripes, a bat shaped bowtie?? Are you kidding me? This thing has a pumpkin emblem too!? This truly is the ultimate way to dress when buried next to your skeleton wife."
  • Though no longer obtainable normally and incredibly expensive otherwise, the Voices From Below Halloween spellnote  still has a chuckle-worthy description:
    "These spells make the Merc’s voices 4% sexier and 130% spookier – except for Scout’s, which is -5% sexier."

     Everything Else 
  • Every class has a large number of lines that they say when dominating an opponent. A lot of them are contenders for a CMOF:
    The Demoman, on the Heavy: Oh... there's a new gravy-filled angel in heaven!
    The Soldier: If God had wanted you to live, he would not have created me!
    The Soldier, on the Demoman: Scotland is not a real country! You are an Englishman with a dress!
    The Spy, on the Scout: Here lies Scout — he ran fast and died a virgin.
    The Heavy: You are dead. Not big surprise.
    The Medic (after killing more than 3 enemies in less than 20 seconds): Oops! Zat vas not medicine!
    The Medic: Vould you like a second opinion? You are also ugly!
    The Sniper, on the Heavy: I just bagged the world's fattest man!
    The Spy, on the Engineer: Giddy up now... TO HELL!
    The Spy, on the Sniper: *Mocking laughter* You live in a van! *More mocking laughter*
    • Any time you taunt as a Heavy with the Sandvich, especially when he starts to sing.
    Saaaandvich and me going to BEAT YOUR ASS!
    Vhat vas that, Sandvich? Kill zem all? GOOD IDEA! BAHAHAHAHA!
    Bologna is perfect fuel for KILLING TINY COWARDS!
    • Doubles with Heartwarming Moments, but some of Soldier's domination lines on Demo (and vice versa) have them make sure they're still friends. Mood Whiplash at it's finest.
    The Demo: "MY GREATEST ENEMY IS DEAD! (We should be friends forever, eh?)"
    The Demo: "I do not like this man. He is a SOULLESS MONSTER! (I do like you, it's just for show.)"
    The Soldier: "DOMINATED! (I cherish these moments we spend together.)"
    The Soldier: "DOMINATED! I'LL SEE YOU IN HELL! (Bye, see ya soon!)"
  • The cartoonish style of the game means that sometimes you die in such hilarious ways it's impossible to stay mad.
    • Especially when you are gibbed, and the game gleefully points out your body parts. "Your foot!" "Your head!" "Your pancreas!"
    • If you get gibbed particularly badly, either by getting hit with a critical rocket or running into a sticky grenade trap, the game itself will give up on trying to identify your body parts and just slap "A bit of you!" and "Another bit of you!" on the chunky red paste that used to be your body.
  • The Source engine physics can do some mighty funny things, especially to ragdolls. Melee kills seem to trigger some of the weirdest and funniest results, including punching enemies up to a great height or across a room or sending victims rocketing out of the map.
  • A Demoman equipped with the Scottish Resistance taunts by wriggling his butt at you, accompanied by the sound of squeaking.
  • Sometimes just the various wacky hijinks that players perform.
  • Getting an entire team to go Spycrab. It has happened, and the results were hilarious, if a bit messy.
  • The developers put doves into the game on pretty much all the official maps before the release of The Uber Update. For God knows what reason, they exploded when so much as tapped.
  • It was removed in an age-old update, but being telefragged would lead to the most hilariously sad killcam in the game.
    You have been killed by the Teleporter Exit of the late Chucklenuts
  • Some of the achievement names are hilarious puns. For example, the Pyro's achievements: Dance Dance Immolation: Kill 3 taunting enemies. and OMGWTFBBQ: Kill an enemy with your Hadouken taunt. And that's exactly what you'll say if you're unaware that certain taunts like these can One-Hit Kill.
  • The Soldier's Equalizer taunt is blowing himself up. Trying this for the first time is hilarious. Also never gets old.
    • A perfectly timed blast around a corner during humiliation will end up humiliating the winning team. This taunt is the best for the job because it can kill multiple players in one hit.
    • Even better, wear the Lumbricus Lid and do an Equalizer taunt.
      "Hallelujah! Hallelujah!" (BOOM)
    • Even better, equip the Rocket Jumper, which negates explosive damage done to yourself. Infinite, instakill explosions!
    • Regrettably, the Rocket Jumper exploit was patched out; what was not patched out, however, is the fact that you can position the Soldier to have his hand clip through a wall or ceiling while taunting, blowing up anyone unlucky enough to be on the other side while leaving the Soldier himself unharmed. This works even during setup time if you can clip his hand through the gate, often to embarrassing effect for the person who thought they were safe while taunting you.
  • The Demoman's response to going into Sudden Death:
    Thankfully, I already don't remember this.
  • The Soldier, while being UberCharged:
    We have you surrounded, at least from this side!
  • It's possible to recreate the Demoman's trap in 'Meet the Demoman.' Load up a spawn area door with sticky bombs before a match, then proceed to detonate them when they open. Most of the chat afterwards will be filled with variations of "Did that guy just kill half our team?!"
  • A few of the signs on the official maps can be hilarious.
    "THIS IS NOT AN EXIT. Unless you're a go-getter and want to MAKE it one."
    "WARNING: TRESPASSERS WILL BE VIOLATED"
  • Spy somehow manages to act calm and poised even in the heat of battle, to the extent that one of his responses to being set on fire is a monotonous "I do believe I'm on fire..." or the slightly more alarmed "I appear to have burst into flames!" However, if you manage to hit him with Jarate...
    "Is this... MON DIEU!"
    "I hate you!"
    "Jarate? *incoherent sobbing*"
    "Euuuurgh!"
    "Jarate? Nooooooooo!"
    "I have been shown who is the boss!"
  • When you have all three pieces of Soldier's 2011 Halloween costume, he starts saying some golden stuff.
    "I CANNOT BE BARGAINED WITH. I CANNOT BE REASONED WITH. I DO NOT KNOW WHERE I AM. I AM A ROBOT. I DON'T UNDERSTAND ANYTHING."
    "I WAS PROGRAMMED TO FIND YOU. THAT IS WHAT I DO. THAT IS ALL I DO. THERE YOU ARE. SHUTTING DOWN..."
    "I RUN ON BLOOD. I TAKE JOBS FROM AMERICAN VAMPIRES."
    "I AM A ROBOT. BOOP. WHAT IS LOVE?"
    "COME WITH ME IF YOU WANT TO LIVE. WITH ME. IN MY APARTMENT. I NEED A ROOMMATE."
    "I AM A ROBOT. I AM PROGRAMMED TO GIVE YOU A SENSIBLE HAIRCUT."
    "I AM A ROBOT. I AM HERE TO TAKE AMERICAN JOBS."
    "MY FOOT WILL TRANSFORM INTO A FOOT - WITH YOUR ASS WRAPPED AROUND IT."
    "SCIENTISTS IN THE FUTURE HAVE STUDIED YOUR ASS FOR CENTURIES - AND SENT ME BACK IN TIME TO KICK IT."
    "I WILL NEVER FEEL PITY, OR REMORSE, OR FEAR, OR COMFORTABLE...IN THIS COSTUME."
    "Beep boop, son. Beep boop."
  • The High Five taunt allows two players to high-five each other, with varying responses if completed or left hanging. The Pyro's 'happy' response to a completed high-five is so hilariously childish in its glee that it's hard not to laugh.
  • The Ullapool Caber, a German WWII-era style grenade, that explodes immediately upon hitting a hard surface. So how does the Demoman use it? As a melee weapon, that's how! Made funnier by its description: "A sober person would throw it..."
  • The descriptions for some of the game modes can be this.
    Capture the Flag: And by flag we mean a glowing briefcase.
    Sawmill blurb: ... These lead to a flooded underground stronghold that holds the enemy’s top secret intelligence — a flag made entirely out of microfilm. Or possibly nylon. Either way, yoink!
  • Playing Sawmill in general is hilarious, if only for the constantly moving and very deadly gigantic sawblades in the middle of the map. There's nothing better than being somewhere else in the map, diligently protecting a sentry or fighting another player, and hearing the distinctive 'WHIRR-SHING!' sound as a careless someone receives a faceful of spinning, razor-sharp metal
  • The Pyromania update can be described as "RAINBOWS EVERYWHERE!"
    • Taken up to eleven by the Pyrovision Goggles. You too can brutally slaughter squeaky-voiced opponents in a magical land of cake and lollipops.
      • The squeaky voice clips deserve a special mention. Everyone sounds just plain bizarre. The Scout sounds like an actual chipmunk, the Engineer's weird wheezing laugh sounds even funnier, and since the Heavy's voice was so deep in the first place he doesn't sound squeaky quite so much as he sounds like a woman with a sore throat.
      • Not to mention the changed voiceclips. Yells of pain are replaced with elated laughter, and players set on fire will actually celebrate their plight. "I AM VERY HAPPY!" indeed.
      • Additionally, there's also how the death screams when a player dies to a melee weapon or critical hit are replaced with them breaking down into long laughter, and this is especially funny with classes like the Scout, Demoman, and Soldier.
      • The Domination notifications. "IS DOMINATING" is changed to "IS BEST FRIENDS WITH", and "GOT REVENGE ON" is changed to "BROKE UP WITH".
  • This little gem from the bulletin board on sd_doomsday: Attention: It is not a secret base if you keep telling people where it is.
  • Some Mann vs. Machine voice clips:
    Medic: EVERYONE! FREE MONEY!
    Medic: I feel like a million Deutchmarks!
    Medic: FREEEEEE MONEY!
    Medic: HeheHAHA! I am a GOD!
    Soldier: I will open up your chassis and use you all as a latrine!
    Soldier: You call that a loss? I've crapped bigger losses than that.
    Soldier: Well, that went pear-shaped fast.
    Engineer: Well, ah reckon that's that.
    Heavy: NOT SO MIGHTY NOW, TINY GIANT!
    Heavy: Whew! I'm getting too old and giant for this.
    Soldier: I am not trapped in a facility full of robots, you are all trapped in here with ME!
    Soldier: Reboot in Robot Hell, you tin savages!
  • The Administrator's lines when you go into Mann-Up Mode:
    Administrator: Mann-Up Mode activated! You poor fools...
    Administrator: Mann-Up Mode activated. What Were You Thinking??!
  • The entire "Decoy" map — it's a ghost town which has been made into an incredibly crude mock-up of a Mann Co. base, with the Soldier's crudely-lettered signs declaring things such as "RESEARCH FACILITY FOR ANTI-ROBOT WEPPONS" and "HALE RESIDENCE." And it works, somehow baiting the robots into attacking.
  • There are various humorous signs in Mannworks.
    NOT AN EXIT Unless you're a go-getter and want to make it one
    For safety reasons, all employees must have moustaches past this point
  • Team Fortress 2's disguise mechanics for spies means that they appear to be genuine members of the other team to your enemies. To pull off a more convincing Spy disguise, the disguise will in turn wear the cardboard cutout mask of a disguise. This means you could choose to play a BLU Spy, disguised as a RED Spy, disguised as a member of BLU team. Because of the way the 'fake' disguise (that is, the false paper mask RED team sees on 'their' Spy in this case) is chosen, it is possible for a BLU Spy be disguised as a RED Spy disguised as a BLU Spy. If this happens while you're the only Spy on your side, you have essentially ended up wearing a disguise of yourself to fool the enemy team, and it's as hilarious, Mind Screw-y, and absurd as it sounds.
  • The Spectral Halloween Special Update. You get to do battle with Merasmus, keeper of the Bombinomicon. He ends up spinning a wheel to determine how to change the game. Choices include removing gravity, giving the players big or tiny heads, Super-Speed, causing the players to bleed, set on fire, raining Jarate, or summoning ghosts, or granting you Ubercharge. The responses he gives to the last one are hilarious.
    Merasmus: You. Are. GODS! I don't know why I put that on the wheel...
    Merasmus: You. Are. GODS! I... meant to do that. It will go badly for you. You watch.
    Merasmus: You. Are. GODS! ...Wait, no no no no no!
    Merasmus: Invincible! Invincibl- wait, wait, what?
    Merasmus: Everybody's invincible! Muhahaha! Fools! Ahaha, eheh... hold on.
  • Merasmus the Magician cracks some nice lines in response to his Wheel of Fate spell activating.
    "JARATE FOR EVERYONE! I AM SO! SO! SORRY!"
    "JARATE! Merasmus is... sorry about this one."
    "JARATE! Merasmus is not proud of this one."
  • Quite a few of the classes' lines in the Halloween Event of 2012.
    Scout: [no gravity fate] Gravity? Who gives a crap about gravity?
    Scout: [after having the big head spell put on him] Don't look at me, I'm slightly less handsome!
    Scout: [falling down the bottomless pit] AAAAAAAAAAAAAAA-Holy crap, this goes on forever.
    Scout: [spooked by a ghost] *girly scream*
    Soldier: [no gravity fate] Don't you die on me, gravity.
    Soldier: [when Merasmus uses the Bombinomicon] He's got a book! HE'S GOING TO READ!
    Soldier: [when Merasmus uses the Bombinomicon] Look out! It's the bas-bo-bibby-bomb!
    Soldier: Your ass will be haunted by three ghosts — my foot, my other foot, and a ghost!
    Soldier: Come on out, Merasmus, I've got your rent!
    Soldier: Come on out, Merasmus, I've got your body! It's not burned! Looks pretty good! I might crawl in there myself!
    Soldier: Son, you are a disgrace to the afterlife. You do not deserve to wear that magic dress.
    Soldier: Oh hello, Gundorf! Where's Blasbo Babbins? Oh there he is! Everyone's here! Labalos, Gimpy, Dumpy, Snoopy... um... Man, I wish Merasmus was around to see this magical turn of events!
    Soldier: Merasmus, take your voodoo back to Canada, where it belongs!
    Soldier: I am going to tear off your head and crap in your stupid hat!
    Soldier: *falling down the bottomless pit* Damn you, Merasmus! You were the wooorst roooomaaaaaatttee!
    Demoman: Ya call those bombs, ya wee little romance novel? I'll show you bombs!
    Demoman: Merasmus. I've got your nickel. Give me back me eye!
    Medic: Er, hello, magic book! Do you still have Demoman's eye? I'll trade you a heart for it!
    Medic: Come out, Merasmus! Nothing vill happen to you, I swear! …hehehaha! I can't! Ve're going to kill you!
    Spy: [falling down the bottomless pit] AAAAAAAAAAA-Come on, I don't have all day.
    Spy: [while doing the Thriller taunt] Jealous?
    Spy: [falling down the bottomless pit] AAAAAAAAAAH! *Beat* AAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!
  • Heavy's costume for Halloween 2012 is a pretty pink pixie. And it has its own voice lines once the full set is completed.
    Heavy: Heavy is Anastasia, Russian princess... IS SERIOUS, HISTORICAL COSTUME!
    Heavy: RUSSIAN TOOTH FAIRY HAS COME FOR ALL YOUR TEETH!
    Heavy: Brush Heavy's hair...BRUSH IT!
  • When fighting Merasmus, you'll occasionally get help from the Bombinomicon, who turns your head into a bomb that can damage Merasmus and turn you invincible and crit-boosted. Also, the Bombinomicon has a high-pitched voice and a Spanish accent.
    Bombinomicon: Pow! Zoop! Bomb head for you.
  • Soldier and Merasmus' insistence that the other is a terrible person. Usually while dying.
    Soldier: (Falling into a giant pit) Damn you Merasmus! You are the wooorst roommaaaaaate!
    Merasmus: (Dying again) I DIE! SOLDIER! YOU ARE THE WORST... ROOOOOMMAAAAAAAAAATE!
  • Can we just give credit to Merasmus in general?
    Merasmus: EVERYTHING'S coming up Merasmus!
    Merasmus: Behold! The terror of READING!
    Merasmus: And though you fight to stay alive, your body starts to spasmus. For no mere mortal can resist, the magic of...MERASMUS!
    Merasmus: Poop! Poop in your PUMPKIN PANTS!
    Merasmus: I die! I CURSE THIS LAND FOR A HUNDRED YEARS! No! A thousand! A thousanOHHHHHHHHH I DIEEEEEEEE!
    Merasmus: Gravity displeases me, SO I REMOVED IT! ...most of it!
    Merasmus: You may have bested my magic, but can you withstand the dark power... OF HIDING!?
    Merasmus: I am hiding! But as what? A pumpkin? A brick? Perhaps a harmless oil drum! Or a brick?!
    Merasmus: If you don't find me soon, I'll get so strong I might die of strength! AH HA HA HA! THAT'S A REAL THING!
    Merasmus: Fools. They have no idea how strong I'm getting. Or how loud I'm talking.
    Merasmus: [spinning the Wheel of Fate] THE WHEEL! Come on, wheel. Merasmus needs this.
    Merasmus: I am healing myself with healing magic! ...And aspirin.
    Merasmus: Hmhmwuhahahaha! GOODBYE! FOREVER! ... I'll see you at home, Soldier.
    Merasmus: Feel the tiny eldritch terror of an itty...bitty...head!
    Merasmus: AAAAAAHHH-I did not think this through.
    Merasmus: BIG HEADS! THE HORROR! THE HORROR!
  • In a "Special Delivery" match, if you manage to get the Australium all the way up the elevator and launch the rocket, it starts to take off... then promptly crashes into the losing team's base and explodes. Two of the Administrator's potential reactions are priceless:
    Administrator: Oh no... gentlemen, this never happened.

    Administrator: Oh no... Poopy Joe, taken too soon...
  • Wheatley has some funny clips as the Ap-Sap weapon for the Spy:
    Computers? Hacked those. Mainframes? Hacked as well. Um...regular frames. All your different kind of frames.
    Look at the pair of us, sneaking around. Like a couple of ne'er-do-wells.
    Oh! There you are! Quick picture. That's lovely, very inspirational. Brave!
    *singing* Hacking, hacking! Harmless hacking! Not in danger!
    *singing* Hacking, hacking! Doing a bit of harmless hacking! Not in danger!
    Oh, wait! No, I've got it! I've— *buzz* No, that won't work. Wait! Oh, I'm a genius! I'm an absolute g— *buzz* No, I'm not.
    Yes! Yes!! In your face!
    Aw, bless your little heart! Believe in yourself! Shoot for the stars! Why not? You can be anything you want to be!
    Oh, just — make sure you keep a tight grip on me. If you would. Poor, fragile little Wheatley. Easily breakable.
    If you're alive, can you say something? Jump around, so I know you're okay! Unless you've broken your legs, in which case, don't jump around — that'll just make it worse!
    Oh, not the pocket!
    Oh my God, they're shooting at us! They're shooting at us! Don't panic, but they are shooting at us!
  • "Flawless Defeat! You didn't kill any of them!"
  • The Scream Fortress 2013 event features a Halloween-themed Hightower map where in place of the bombs are Redmond and Blutarch's graves, with both of them demanding the teams to send the other brother to Hell while they trade insults with one another.
    Blutarch: Dear Lord, this is Blutarch Mann speaking!
    Redmond: And Redmond!
    Blutarch: Shut up Redmond, I'm praying! Lord, please send my brother to Hell, Amen.
    Redmond: Lord, wait! Whatever he's praying to you for, I'll double it!
    Blutarch: NO!
    Redmond: *Cackling* I win at praying, brother!

    Blutarch: Yes, pushing! I am a tactical genius!
    Redmond: What? I invented pushing years ago!
    Blutarch: The only thing you invented is losing to me right now!
    Redmond: Noooo!
    Blutarch: *Laughing*

    Redmond: Blutarch, we're family. Tell you what, on the count of three, let's both apologize and go to heaven. One, two, three. I'm-
    Blutarch: I'm sorry...No!
    Redmond: *Laughing*
    Blutarch: I meant I'm sorry that I'm sending you to hell!
    Redmond: No!
    Blutarch: And I'm not sorry!

    Redmond: Look at your corpse brother, as ugly in death as you were in life. So shriveled and red.
    Blutarch: That's you, you imbecile!
    Redmond: What? No!

    Redmond/Blutarch: Look at me now, father!
    Zepheniah Mann: You did great, son.
    Redmond/Blutarch: Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes!
    Zephenia Mann: Gray is still my favorite, though.
    Redmond/Blutarch: NOOOOOOO!

    Blutarch: Knock, knock!
    Redmond: Who is it?
    Blutarch: Redmond, it's Blutarch! This is a "knock, knock" joke. OPEN THIS DOOR AT ONCE!
    Redmond: No, thank you.
    Blutarch: Redmond, I assure you I'll make it worth your while. Now, knock, knock!
    Redmond: Who is it?
    Blutarch: It's your brother, Blutarch. Now, for God's sake, let me in! Someone's trying to send me to Hell!
    Redmond: I'm trying to send you to Hell! [Evil Laugh]
    Blutarch: Good lord! That changes everything! I'll finish the joke later!

    Blutarch/Redmond: Yes! YES! Send my brother to Hell!
    Redmond/Blutarch: Wait, what was that?
    Blutarch/Redmond: I'm not talking to you, [Redmond/Blutarch]! I'm talking to the mercs!
    Redmond/Blutarch: My mercs? Don't you dare! They've got a job!
    Blutarch/Redmond: Come, brother. What could they possibly be doing?
    Redmond/Blutarch: Sending you to Hell, [Blutarch/Redmond]!
    Blutarch/Redmond: What? [RED/BLU] Team! Stop what you're doing!
    Redmond/Blutarch: Belay that order, [RED/BLU] Team!

    Blutarch/Redmond: You there! [RED/BLU] Team! I'll double what my ratstink brother is paying you!
    Redmond/Blutarch: [Blutarch/You imbecile]! This is what I'm paying them!
    Blutarch/Redmond: Agh! Never mind!

    • Blutarch leaning on the fourth wall:
      Blutarch: All you have to do is send my brother's haunted corpse to hell, then run across a bridge to an enchanted island every time the clock strikes midnight every one and a half minutes to get powerful spells you can use to defeat your enemy, who will be doing the exact same thing, but with my haunted corpse! My only worry is this update makes too much sense.
    • Blutarch tries his hand at pop-culture references:
      Blutarch: I sense a disturbance in the force... Hold on. Okay, I'm back. My lawyers tell me I'm sensing nothing.
  • The same update also added plenty of bird heads for everyone. As in "replacing their heads with those of giant birds". The lines that got added for these are even better:
    Heavy: I LIVE! With grotesque bird-head, is horrible!
    Heavy: Now bird heavy will vomit worms down your throat!
    Heavy: As promised, Heavy will now lay egg in your mouth.
    Sniper: You and I are a lot alike, mate. Except I'm an owl, and you're dead!
    Sniper: Hoot! HOOOOOT!
    Medic: I have a bird-head, you're dominated! We're both having a bad day...
    Medic: I AM ARCHIMEDEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEES!
    Soldier: Dominated, candypants! This is Soldier, by the way, I have an eagle head right now.
    Soldier: Screamin' eagle! AAAAAARGH!
    Soldier: (on fire) Argh! Brauk! My head smells delicious!
  • Sometimes, when picking up a rare spell:
    Soldier: I am having a heart attack!
  • Merasmus returns for Eternaween, still hilariously hammy as ever.
    Merasmus: Welcome to T-G-I-Halloween, where it's always Halloween! I'm Merasmus, your server! We have a couple of lovely specials tonight: ONE OF THEM IS YOUR OWN DEATH! The other is loaded tuscan flatbread.
  • On Mannhattan, there's a deathtrap used to reset the bomb carrier back to start. Positioned right next to it is a Banana Peel. Walking over it pushes you directly into the trap, along with a "whoop!" sound effect.
  • Soldier, upon getting an Australium gun drop:
    (awed whisper) This must be what the President feels like all the time.
  • While the Second Opinion is usually quite creepy, there are some golden lines.
    Second Opinion: Kill them all.
    Medic: Hm... Are you sure?
    Second Opinion: Yes.
    Medic: Well, I'm convinced!
  • It's possible to edit the Mann vs. Machine Tanks' speed. Set it really high, and this happens.
  • Pretty much anything the Scout says.
    Wave goodbye to your secret crap, dumbass.
    (when dominating another Scout) Yeah I dare ya, Rage Quit. C'mon, make us both happy.
    Look at this: Just caved in your skull, my bat's still dry. No clumps o' hair, nuthin'.
    (when dominating a Sniper) You'll never hit me! You'll never hit my tiny head! It's so tiny I got a frickin'...such a tiny li'l head!
    Pop quiz: How long's it take to beat a moron to death? (buzzer imitation) Sorry, time's up, you're dead.
    (when dominating a Heavy) I am owning you, you fat, bald, fatty fat...fat fat!
    (when dominating a Soldier) Drop dead and gimme 20.
  • Loaves of bread springing out of the teleporter.
    • And a glitch on pl_upward that makes it explode when dropped in the final point. Shown here, but has since been unfortunately patched.
  • Seeing a Demoknight in action can become this; especially since one update essentially made the Demoknight immune to afterburn if he has a Chargin' Targe. Combine this with the speed and power boost of the Eyelander, and...well, you get the idea.
  • One of the taunts added in the Love and War update has you doing the Conga in which other players can form a Conga line (think of it like the High Five taunt only with more people) even with the other team. There have been instances where a large portion of a team, the entire team, or if you really want to see this taunt at its highest, the entire server doing the Conga.
    Spy: Let us dance, gentlemen! Dance like no-one's shooting at us!
  • The Love and War update also provided a lot more two-person taunts. One of these is a square-dancing taunt. If the Spy does it, he will show regret at doing so, facepalming and groaning as he holds his arm out. His dancing is also very lacking in enthusiasm.
    Spy: Kill. Me.
    • Which is funny, considering the enthusiasm with which he does the other partner taunts ("SLAP MY HAND!").
  • And there's the Rock Paper Scissors taunt. Play with the Opposing team! Whoever loses, explodes.
  • Do the flip taunt with a Heavy. He just lands on his head. He also flips other players with just one finger, instead of using both hands like the other classes.
  • There are a few hilarious voice clips added in the Love and War update that were unfortunately unused. Here's a video of them
  • The backstory of the Halloween 2014 event involves Merasmus's financial crisis as he bought a circus and owes the Japanese mafia $12,000. Nearly every line he has during this update is pure gold:
    • Bragging that upcoming magical universities (he doesn't want to name names, but, Hogwarts) are "very interested" in his magic.
    • Telling Gandalf he can go cry hot tears of jealousy into his stupid beard.
    • "MERASMUS PRINTED THIS SPELL OFF THE INTERNET!"
    • "I've inflated your heads and filled them with ROTTING, PUTRID GARBAGE! And because I don't want you to worry...my head is fine."
    • Reclaiming "evil" as a slur, and saying he's proud of it.
    • The sheer glee with which he yells "BONUS DUCKS!"
  • Now you can pick up and use weapons of your class that players drop when they die. Taking your foe's hard-earned golden killstreak and parading around the server with it? Cool. Grabbing the other medic's fully charged Medigun and using the Übercharge to wipe out the other team? Priceless.
  • The "Gun Mettle" update introduced special contracts for the classes, given by Miss Pauling. She actually leaves answering machine messages for the various classes, and often is her usual unfazed, businesslike self. But from some of the messages she leaves, it seems she's not so above it all. She doesn't think much more of the Mercs than Hale does, telling Scout to shut up in the middle of a voice mail, blatantly (and clearly falsely) appealing directly to Soldier's Patriotic Fervor, and talking to Pyro like a Manchild.
    • From the sound of things, Valve seems to be taking the approach that the Mercs don't take these jobs because they're the Best of the Best, but because they're too crazy/desperate not to...
    • Many of her lines in Tough Break, too. Some highlights:
    "Hey, sorry for the noise! It's Dollar Drinks Night at the Cap Point. Hold on, on the rocks please." [On the rocks!; rocks tinkle into a glass] "N-n-not act...not actual...is that gravel? You know what, never mind. Just, just pour liquor on it. I'll drink it anyway." [drink pouring] "You still there? I've got something for you."
    [water bubbling and bats rustling] "Hey Pauling here. I'm on a Teufort cave tour and...oh my God. These are the same caves I bury bodies in." [Ahhh! There's so many bodies!] "And they found them." [Somebody call the police!] "Anyway, here's a contract."
    "Hey did you know a gun show's a real thing? I'm at one with Heavy right now." [Heavy: Is perfect, this is gun.] Oh wow, what's the gauge on that? Yeah, Scout's been saying he's going to take me to one for years, but all he does is shove his stupid arms in my face. Anyway, I've got something for you."
  • Also in Gun Mettle, the Kazotsky Kick. It was like the Conga again, but with more: Enemy players working together to create towers of people dancing on top of each other, and players all on one team cramming into a single spot while dancing.
  • The Woodlands Warrior Rocket Launcher has a hidden spycrab (as in, the plush toy) on the texture.
  • As Muselk found out to his amusement, the Boxtrot is actually a surprisingly effective stealth tool in the right spots.
  • The community-made Invasion update added Watergate, a map set in a seaside town/brewery during an alien invasion. What are you doing there? Killing people, taking beer from them, then running to a flying saucer and delivering the beer to it, because apparently, beer is deadly to aliens.
    • What happens when one team wins? The saucer that collects the beer drunkenly flies up to the mothership and crashes into it, causing the mothership to go up in a colossal cyan fireball!
    • One has to wonder how, exactly, the mercs found out about the aliens' weakness to beer.
    • Perhaps the best part about the Watergate map is the announcer. Rather than the Administrator, you have a mildly unsettling but mostly hilarious replacement, which just drones "WE ARE IN THE BEAM" and "THE ENEMY IS IN THE BEAM" in a text to speech voice.
    • The Invasion update also features a Shout-Out to the Alien franchise in the form of the Burstchester taunt. Each class reacts differently to suddenly having an alien erupt from their chest, some funnier than others:
      • Demoman stares at it and points, as though asking everyone else if they're seeing it too.
      • Heavy smashes it right back into his chest and dusts his hands.
      • Medic inspects the alien closely and gets bit for his trouble.
      • Scout freaks out in his usual flappable manner.
      • Soldier tries to grab the alien, but it retreats back into his chest as he attempts to figure out where it went.
      • And Pyro just pets the alien like it's a puppy.
      • Spy just seems annoyed about the alien. Apparently, this is a normal thing for him.
  • Merasmus has some amusing lines when you receive/complete a "Merasmission" in Scream Fortress 2015
    "Well done indeed, mortal! A pity you didn't read the fine print. For now, Merasmus has your parking space...for eternity!"
    "Fool! You made a Deal with the Devil! And now you'll reap the reward! Which is... this reward. The devil may have inadvertently dropped the ball on this one."
    After completing a Merasmission involving defeating him on Ghost Fort: "Wait, wait, wait. Merasmus lagged. Do-over".
    "'Congratulations! The gift I give you... is death!'... is what Merasmus would be saying if Merasmsus' lawyers hadn't advised him that death is not an acceptable form of payment in New Mexico."
  • Due to some of the update to game mechanics, some weapons had changes made to them. The funniest of these was the change to the Cleaner's Carbine, a silencer-equipped SMG — where it used to give mini-crits on a kill, it now requires the Sniper to fill up a meter by inflicting damage with it instead. Valve lovingly called this mechanic the 'CRIKEY' meter.
  • In the Meet Your Match update, new lines were added to the competitive game modes for the classes. As expected, the voice lines are comedy gold.
    Soldier, singing: God bless America, land of... America...
    Heavy: In Russia, if hand is rotten, you cut off hand. If arm is rotten, you cut off arm. But if heart is rotten...you cut off leg.
    Sniper: You know what this team could use? Five more snipers.
    Spy, after a tie game: I have a tie. I'm wearing, it's silk and it costs nine thousand dollars. I do not need another one!
  • One of Pyro's weapons introduced in the Jungle Inferno update is... a glove you can slap people with. To a humiliating death.
  • The Eye-Catcher is a cosmetic eyepatch for all classes. Naturally, this includes Demoman, who already wears an eyepatch. Concept art◊ reveals that Valve declined the idea of Demoman wearing two eyepatches, despite community outcry to keep this kind of wacky nonsense in-game (due to it being completely in line with the setting's own wacky, nonsensical expectations).
  • In the developer console, you can set any button on your keyboard to "kill" (for example, setting it to your 5 key would be bind 5 "kill"). What this does is basically allow you to kill yourself at the press of a button. While this may have some practical use in normal gameplay, many people tend to use it in hilariously awkward situations, such as someone's tactics to kill another player failing, resulting in both players staring gormlessly at one another until one killbinds. What makes this funnier is more often than not, the other player will follow suit with a killbind. In some cases, if one person in a group intentionally killbinds, the others may follow suit, leading to a metaphorical conga line of killbinds.
    • You can make this even funnier if instead you type "explode" instead of "kill," which will still kill you, but instead of flopping your ragdoll to the ground, your character blows up into Ludicrous Gibs.
    • Players will very often killbind right at the impact certain partner taunts, such as the High-Five or the Skullcracker, making it look like you slapped your partner to death.
  • The Versus Saxton Hale mode introduced in Summer 2023 has a lot of funny moments.
    • Some of the lines Saxton says are this.
    Demoman? Give way to Full-Version Man! (after killing Demoman)
    You call that a wrench? I've seen bigger tools in a preschool sandbox! (after killing Engineer)
    Why's everybody going by their class name? Should I, too? Hm, I don't have one...how about Brawler?! Huh? Huh?! Ehh. Doesn't have a ring to it. (At the start of a round)
  • The map Selbyen has the mercenaries fighting over buckets of fish to feed a seal to complete the round. It's a hilarious as you can imagine in context.
    • Even better, unlike most other maps where the situation is remotely serious and fatal in implications, like Watergate's alien invasion or the halloween maps ritualistic sacrifice, Selbyen has... absolutely no indication as to why you're feeding Silvia the Seal other than to make her happy, meaning the only immediately obvious reason there's any violence over this situation is that the Mercs are so dedicated to feeding the seal that they refuse to take turns.
  • The Schadenfreude taunt. The mercs take the time to let out some outrageous laughter, and they put their whole bodies into mocking you. It's so infectious that you can't help but join in.
    • The Spy's version of the Schadenfreude deserves special mention, as not only is it the longest, but the sheer indignity of Spy's chortling is a hilarious contrast to his usual conduct.
    • The Heavy's Holiday Punch has the special ability of forcing anybody it crits (including a Spy-esque backstab mechanic) to use the Schadenfreude taunt. Most Heavies will follow up a successful Holiday Punch with a Showdown Taunt, as in, killing you with literal finger guns. In other words, Heavy can literally tickle his enemies to death if he wants to.

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