- Every class has a large number of lines that they say when dominating an opponent. A lot of them are contenders for a CMOF:
The Demoman, on the Heavy: Oh... there's a new gravy-filled angel in heaven!
The Soldier: If God had wanted you to live, he would not have created me!
The Soldier, on the Demoman: Scotland is not a real country! You are an Englishman with a dress!
The Spy, on the Scout: Here lies Scout—he ran fast and died a virgin.
The Heavy: You are dead. Not big surprise.
The Medic (after killing more than 3 enemies in less than 20 seconds): Oops! Zat vas not medicine!
The Medic: Vould you like a second opinion? You are also ugly!
The Sniper (dominating Heavy): I just bagged the world's fattest man!
The Spy, on the Engineer: Giddy up now... TO HELL!
The Spy, on the Sniper: *Mocking laughter* You live in a van! *More mocking laughter*
- Any time you taunt as a Heavy with the Sandvich, especially when he starts to sing.
Saaaandvich and me going to BEAT YOUR ASS!
Vhat vas that, Sandvich? Kill zem all? GOOD IDEA! BAHAHAHAHA!
Bologna is perfect fuel for KILLING TINY COWARDS!
- The cartoonish style of the game means that sometimes you die in such hilarious ways it's impossible to stay mad.
- Especially when you are gibbed, and the game gleefully points out your body parts. "Your foot!" "Your head!" "Your pancreas!"
- If you get gibbed particularly badly, either by getting hit with a critical rocket or running into a sticky grenade trap, the game itself will give up on trying to identify your body parts and just slap "A bit of you!" and "Another bit of you!" on the chunky red paste that used to be your body.
- The Source engine physics can do some mighty funny things, especially to ragdolls. Melee kills seem to trigger some of the weirdest and funniest results, including punching enemies up to a great height or across a room or sending victims rocketing out of the map.
- A Demoman equipped with the Scottish Resistance taunts by wriggling his butt at you, accompanied by the sound of squeaking.
- Sometimes just the various wacky hijinks that players perform.
- Getting an entire team to go Spycrab. It has happened, and the results were hilarious, if a bit messy.
- The developers put doves into the game on pretty much all the official maps before the release of The Uber Update. For God knows what reason, they exploded when so much as tapped.
- It was removed in an age-old update, but being telefragged lead to the most hilariously sad killcam in the game.
You have been killed by the Teleporter Exit of Chucklenuts
- Some of the achievement names are hilarious puns. For example, the Pyro's achievements: Dance Dance Immolation: Kill 3 taunting enemies. and OMGWTFBBQ: Kill an enemy with your Hadouken taunt. And that's exactly what you'll say if you're unaware that certain taunts like these can One-Hit Kill.
- The Soldier's Equalizer taunt is blowing himself up. Trying this for the first time is hilarious. Also never gets old.
- A perfectly timed blast around a corner during humiliation will end up humiliating the winning team. This taunt is the best for the job because it can kill multiple players in one hit.
- Even better, wear the Lumbricus Lid and do an Equalizer taunt.
- Even better, equip the rocket jumper, which negates explosive damage done to yourself. Infinte, instakill explosions!
- The Demoman's response to going into Sudden Death:
- The Soldier, while being UberCharged:
We have you surrounded, at least from this side!
- It's possible to recreate the Demoman's trap in 'Meet the Demoman.' Load up a spawn area door with sticky bombs before a match, then proceed to detonate them when they open. Most of the chat afterwards will be filled with variations of "Did that guy just kill half our team?!"
- A few of the signs on the official maps can be hilarious.
"THIS IS NOT AN EXIT. Unless you're a go-getter and want to MAKE it one."
"WARNING: TRESPASSERS WILL BE VIOLATED"
- Spy somehow manages to act calm and poised even in the heat of battle, to the extent that one of his responses to being set on fire is a monotonous "I do believe I'm on fire..." or the slightly more alarmed "I appear to have burst into flames!" However, if you manage to hit him with Jarate...
"Is this... MON DIEU!"
"I hate you!"
" Jarate? *incoherent sobbing*"
"I have been shown who is the boss!"
- When you have all three pieces of Soldier's 2011 Halloween costume, he starts saying some golden stuff.
"I WAS PROGRAMMED TO FIND YOU. THAT IS WHAT I DO. THAT IS ALL I
DO. THERE YOU ARE. SHUTTING DOWN
"I RUN ON BLOOD. I TAKE JOBS FROM AMERICAN VAMPIRES."
"I AM A ROBOT. I AM PROGRAMMED TO GIVE YOU A SENSIBLE HAIRCUT."
"I AM A ROBOT. I AM HERE TO TAKE AMERICAN JOBS."
"MY FOOT WILL TRANSFORM INTO A FOOT - WITH YOUR ASS WRAPPED AROUND IT."
"SCIENTISTS IN THE FUTURE HAVE STUDIED YOUR ASS FOR CENTURIES - AND SENT ME BACK IN TIME TO KICK IT."
"I WILL NEVER FEEL PITY, OR REMORSE, OR FEAR, OR COMFORTABLE
...IN THIS COSTUME."
Russian Tooth Fairy has come for all your teeth! Ha ha ha!
- A new item available for the game is a High Five taunt. This allows two players to high-five each other, with varying responses if completed or left hanging. The Pyro's 'happy' response to a completed high-five is so hilariously childish in its glee that it's hard not to laugh.
"I feel très bon!"
"Slap my hand. Slap it now!"
"WHO WILL JOIN ME?!"
- And if you ignore him for long enough:
- The Ullapool Caber, a German WWII-era style grenade, that explodes immediately upon hitting a hard surface. So how does the Demoman use it? As a melee weapon, that's how! Made funnier by its description: "A sober person would throw it..."
- The descriptions for some of the game modes can be this.
Capture the Flag: And by flag we mean a glowing briefcase.
Sawmill blurb: ... These lead to a flooded underground stronghold that holds the enemy’s top secret intelligence—a flag made entirely out of microfilm. Or possibly nylon. Either way, yoink!
- The Pyromania update can be described as "RAINBOWS EVERYWHERE!"
- Taken Up to Eleven by the Pyrovision Goggles. You too can brutally slaughter squeaky-voiced opponents in a magical land of cake and lollipops.
- The squeaky voice clips deserve a special mention. Everyone sounds just plain bizarre. The Scout sounds like an actual chipmunk, the Engineer's weird wheezing laugh sounds even funnier, and since the Heavy's voice was so deep in the first place he doesn't sound squeaky quite so much as he sounds like a woman with a sore throat.
- Not to mention the changed voiceclips. Yells of pain are replaced with elated laughter, and players set on fire will actually celebrate their plight. "I AM VERY HAPPY!" indeed.
- The Domination notifications. "IS DOMINATING" is changed to "IS BEST FRIENDS WITH", and "GOT REVENGE ON" is changed to "BROKE UP WITH".
- This little gem from the bulletin board on sd_doomsday: Attention: It is not a secret base if you keep telling people where it is.
- Some of the new Mann vs. Machine voice clips:
Medic: EVERYONE! FREE MONEY!
Medic: I feel like a million Deutchmarks!
Soldier: I will open up your chassis and use you all as a latrine!
Soldier: You call that a loss? I've crapped bigger losses than that.
Heavy: NOT SO MIGHTY NOW, TINY GIANT!
Heavy: Whew! I'm getting too old and giant for this.
Soldier: I am not trapped in a facility full of robots, you are all trapped in here with ME!
Soldier: Reboot in Robot Hell, you tin savages!
- The Administrator's lines when you go into Mann-Up Mode:
Administrator: Mann-Up Mode activated! You poor fools...
- The entire "Decoy" map - it's a ghost town which has been made into an incredibly crude mock-up of a Mann Co. base, with the Soldier's crudely-lettered signs declaring things such as "RESEARCH FACILITY FOR ANTI-ROBOT WEPPONS" and "HALE RESIDENCE." And it works, somehow baiting the robots into attacking.
- There are various humorous signs in Mannworks.
NOT AN EXIT Unless you're a go-getter and want to make it one
- Team Fortress 2's disguise mechanics for spies means that they appear to be genuine members of the other team to your enemies. To pull off a more convincing Spy disguise, the disguise will in turn wear the cardboard cutout mask of a disguise. This means you could choose to play a BLU Spy, disguised as a RED Spy, disguised as a member of BLU team. Because of the 'fake' disguise (that is, the false paper mask RED team sees on 'their' Spy in this case) is chosen, it is possible for a BLU Spy be disguised as a RED Spy disguised as a BLU Spy. If this happens while you're the only Spy on your side, you have essentially ended up wearing a disguise of yourself to fool the enemy team, and it's as hilarious, Mind Screw-y, and absurd as it sounds.
- The Spectral Halloween Special Update. You get to do battle with Merasmus, keeper of the Bombinomicon. He ends up spinning a wheel to determine how to change the game. Choices include removing gravity, giving the players big or tiny heads, Super Speed, causing the players to bleed, set on fire, raining Jarate, or summoning ghosts, or granting you Ubercharge. The responses he gives to the last one are hilarious.
- Merasmus the Magician cracks some nice lines in response to his Wheel of Fate spell activating.
"JARATE FOR EVERYONE! I AM SO! SO! SORRY!
"JARATE! Merasmus is not proud of this one."
- Quite a few of the classes' lines in the Halloween Event of 2012.
Scout: [no gravity fate] Gravity? Who gives a crap about gravity?
Scout: [after having the big head spell put on him] Don't look at me I'm slightly less handsome!
Soldier: [no gravity fate] Don't you die on me, gravity.
Soldier: [when Merasmus uses the Bombinomicon] He's got a book! HE'S GOING TO READ!
Soldier: [when Merasmus uses the Bombinomicon] Look out! It's the bas-bo-bibby-bomb!
Soldier: Your ass will be haunted by three ghosts - my foot, my other foot, and a ghost!
Soldier: Come on out, Merasmus, I've got your rent!
Soldier: Son, you are a disgrace to the afterlife. You do not deserve to wear that magic dress.
Soldier: Oh hello, Gundorf! Where's Blasbo Babbins? Oh there he is! Everyone's here! Labalos, Gimpy, Dumpy, Snoopy... um... Man, I wish Merasmus was around to see this magical turn of events!
Soldier: Merasmus, take your voodoo back to Canada, where it belongs!
: *falling down the bottomless pit* Damn you
! You were the wooorst roooomaaaaaatttee
Demoman: Ya call those bombs, ya wee little romance novel? I'll show you bombs!
Demoman: Merasmus. I've got your nickel. Give me back me eye!
Medic: Er, hello, magic book! Do you still have Demoman's eye? I'll trade you a heart for it!
: Come out, Merasmus! Nothing vill happen to you, I swear! ...hehehaha! I can't!
Ve're going to kill you!
Spy: [while doing the Thriller taunt] Jealous?
: [falling down the bottomless pit]
- Heavy's newest costume this Halloween is a pretty pink pixie. And it has its own voice lines once the full set is completed.
Heavy: Heavy is Anastasia, Russian princess... IS SERIOUS, HISTORICAL COSTUME!
Heavy: RUSSIAN TOOTH FAIRY HAS COME FOR ALL YOUR TEETH!
Heavy: Brush Heavy's hair...BRUSH IT!
- When fighting Merasmus you'll occasionally get help from the Bombinomicon, who turns your head into a bomb that can damage Merasmus and turn you invincible and crit-boosted. Also the Bombinomicon has a high-pitched voice and a Spanish accent.
Bombinomicon: Pow! Zoop! Bomb head for you.
- Soldier and Merasmus' insistence that the other is a terrible person. Usually while dying.
Soldier: (Falling into a giant pit) Damn you Merasmus! You are the wooorst roommaaaaaate!
Merasmus: (Dying again) I DIE! SOLDIER! YOU ARE THE WORST... ROOOOOMMAAAAAAAAAATE!
- Can we just give credit to Merasmus in general?
Merasmus: Behold! The terror of READING!
Merasmus: And though you fight to stay alive, your body starts to spasmus. For no mere mortal can resist, the magic of...MERASMUS!
Merasmus: You. Are. GODS! I don't know why I put that on the wheel...
Merasmus: You. Are. GODS! I... meant to do that. It will go badly for you. You watch.
Merasmus: You. Are. GODS! ...Wait, no no no no no!
Merasmus: Invincible! Invincibl- wait, wait, what?
Merasmus: Everybody's invincible! Muhahaha! Fools! Ahaha, eheh... hold on.
Merasmus: Poop! Poop in your PUMPKIN PANTS!
Merasmus: I die! I CURSE THIS LAND FOR A HUNDRED YEARS! No! A thousand! A thousanOHHHHHHHHH I DIEEEEEEEE!
Merasmus: Gravity displeases me, SO I REMOVED IT! ...most of it!
Merasmus: You may have bested my magic, but can you withstand the dark power... OF HIDING!?
Merasmus: I am hiding! But as what? A pumpkin? A brick? Perhaps a harmless oil drum! Or a brick?!
Merasmus: If you don't find me soon, I'll get so strong I might die of strength! AH HA HA HA! THAT'S A REAL THING!
Merasmus: Fools. They have no idea how strong I'm getting. Or how loud I'm talking.
Merasmus: [spinning the Wheel of Fate] THE WHEEL! Come on, wheel. Merasmus needs this.
Merasmus: Hmhmwuhahahaha! GOODBYE! FOREVER! ... I'll see you at home, Soldier.
Merasmus: Feel the tiny eldritch terror of an itty...bitty...head!
Merasmus: AAAAAAHHH-I did not think this through.
Merasmus: BIG HEADS! THE HORROR! THE HORROR!
- In a "Special Delivery" match, if you manage to get the Australium all the way up the elevator and launch the rocket, it starts to take off... then promptly crashes and explodes. One of the Administrator's potential reactions is priceless:
- Wheatley has some funny clips as the new Ap-Sap weapon for the Spy:
Computers? Hacked those. Mainframes? Hacked as well. Um...regular frames. All your different kind of frames.
Look at the pair of us, sneaking around. Like a couple of ne'er-do-wells.
Oh! There you are! Quick picture. That's lovely, very inspirational. Brave!
*singing* Hacking, hacking! Harmless hacking! Not in danger!
*singing* Hacking, hacking! Doing a bit of harmless hacking! Not in danger!
Oh, wait! No, I've got it! I've— *buzz* No, that won't work. Wait! Oh, I'm a genius! I'm an absolute g— *buzz* No, I'm not.
Yes! Yes!! In your face!
Aw, bless your little heart! Believe in yourself! Shoot for the stars! Why not? You can be anything you want to be!
Oh, just—make sure you keep a tight grip on me. If you would. Poor, fragile little Wheatley. Easily breakable.
If you're alive, can you say something? Jump around, so I know you're okay! Unless you've broken your legs, in which case, don't jump around - that'll just make it worse!
Oh, not the pocket!
Oh my God, they're shooting at us! They're shooting at us! Don't panic, but they are shooting at us!
- "Flawless Defeat! You didn't kill any of them!"
- The Scream Fortress 2013 event features a Halloween-themed Hightower map where in place of the bombs are Redmond and Blutarch's graves, with both of them demanding the teams to send the other brother to Hell while they trade insults with one another.
Blutarch: Dear Lord, this is Blutarch Mann speaking!
Redmond: And Redmond!
Blutarch: Shut up Redmond, I'm praying! Lord, please send my brother to Hell, Amen.
Redmond: Lord, wait! Whatever he's praying to you for, I'll double it!
: *Cackling* I win at praying brother!
Blutarch: Yes, pushing! I am a tactical genius!
Redmond: What? I invented pushing years ago!
Blutarch: The only thing you invented is losing to me right now!
Redmond: What? Noooo!
Redmond: Blutarch, we're family. Tell you what, on the count of three, let's both apologize and go to heaven. One, two, three. I'm-
: I'm sorry...No!
Blutarch: I meant I'm sorry that I'm sending you to hell!
: And I'm not! Sorry!
Redmond: Look at your corpse brother, as ugly in death as you were in life. So shriveled and red.
Redmond/Blutarch: Look at me now father!
Redmond/Blutarch: Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes!
Blutarch: Knock, knock!
Redmond: Who is it?
Blutarch: Redmond, it's Blutarch! This is a "knock, knock" joke. OPEN THIS DOOR AT ONCE!
Redmond: No, thank you.
Blutarch: Redmond, I assure you I'll make it worth your while.
Blutarch: Knock, knock!
Redmond: Who is it?
Blutarch: It's your brother, Blutarch. Now, for God's sake, let me in! Someone's trying to send me to Hell!
trying to send you to Hell! [Evil Laugh
: Good lord! That changes everything! I'll finish the joke later!
Blutarch/Redmond: Yes! YES! Send my brother to Hell!
Redmond/Blutarch: Wait, what was that?
Blutarch/Redmond: I'm not talking to you, [Redmond/Blutarch]! I'm talking to the mercs!
Redmond/Blutarch: My mercs? Don't you dare! They've got a job!
Blutarch/Redmond: Come, brother. What could they possibly be doing?
Redmond/Blutarch: Sending you to Hell, [Blutarch/Redmond]!
Blutarch/Redmond: What? [RED/BLU] Team! Stop what you're doing!
: Belay that order, [RED/BLU] Team!
Blutarch/Redmond: You there! [RED/BLU] Team! I'll double what my ratstink brother is paying you!
Redmond/Blutarch: [Blutarch/You imbecile]! This is what I'm paying them!
Blutarch/Redmond: Agh! Never mind!
- Blutarch leaning on the fourth wall:
Blutarch: All you have to do is send my brother's haunted corpse to hell, then run across a bridge to an enchanted island every time the clock strikes midnight every one and a half minutes to get powerful spells you can use to defeat your enemy, who will be doing the exact same thing, but with my haunted corpse! My only worry is this update makes too much sense.
- The same update also added plenty of bird heads for everyone. As in "replacing their heads with those of giant birds". The lines that got added for these are even better:
Heavy: I LIVE! With grotesque bird-head, is horrible!
Heavy: Now bird heavy will vomit worms down your throat!
Heavy: As promised, Heavy will now lay egg in your mouth.
Sniper: You and I are a lot alike, mate. Except I'm an owl, and you're dead!
Sniper: Hoot! HOOOOOT!
Medic: I have a bird-head, you're dominated! We're both having a bad day...
Medic: I AM ARCHIMEDEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEES!
Soldier: Dominated, candypants! This is Soldier, by the way, I have an eagle head right now.
Soldier: Screamin' eagle! AAAAAARGH!
Soldier: (on fire) Argh! Brauk! My head smells delicious!
- Sometimes, when picking up a rare spell:
Soldier: I am having a heart attack!
- Merasmus returns for Eternaween, still hilariously hammy as ever.
: Welcome to T-G-I-Halloween, where it's always Halloween! I'm Merasmus, your server! We have a couple of lovely specials tonight: ONE OF THEM IS YOUR OWN DEATH! The other is loaded tuscan flatbread.
- On Mannhattan, there's a deathtrap used to reset the bomb carrier back to start. Positioned right next to it is a Banana Peel. Walking over it pushes you directly into the trap, along with a "whoop!" sound effect.
- Soldier, upon getting an Australium gun drop:
(awed whisper) This must be what the President feels like all the time.
- While the Second Opinion is usually quite creepy, there are some golden lines.
Second Opinion: Kill them all.
Medic: Hm... Are you sure?
Second Opinion: Yes.
Medic: Well, I'm convinced!
- It's possible to edit the Mann vs. Machine Tanks' speed. Set it really high, and this happens.
- Pretty much anything the Scout says.
Wave goodbye to your secret crap, dumbass.
(when dominating another Scout)
Yeah I dare ya, Rage Quit.
C'mon, make us both happy.
Look at this: Just caved in your skull, my bat's still dry. No clumps o' hair, nuthin'.
(when dominating a Sniper) You'll never hit me! You'll never hit my tiny head! It's so tiny I got a frickin'...such a tiny li'l head!
Pop quiz: How long's it take to beat a moron to death? (buzzer imitation) Sorry, time's up, you're dead.
(when dominating a Soldier) Drop dead and gimme 20.
- Loaves of bread springing out of the teleporter.
- Seeing a Demoknight in action can become this; especially since a recent update essentially made the Demoknight immune to afterburn if he has a Chargin' Targe. Combine this with the speed and power boost of the Eyelander, and...well, you get the idea.
- One of the new taunts added in the Love and War update has you doing the Conga in which other players can form a Conga line (think of it like the High Five taunt only with more people) even with the other team. There have been instances where a large portion of a team, the entire team, or if you really want to see this taunt at its highest, the entire server doing the Conga.
- Assuming the entire server isn't doing the Conga, some players will go out of their way to abandon the objective and just kill anyone in the opposing team doing the Conga. The game even gives you an achievement for doing so!
- While many of the lines the characters have are really funny, the crowner has to go this one from the Spy, said with so much enthusiasm for the most serious character in the cast:
- The Love and War update also provided a lot more two-person taunts. One of these is a square-dancing taunt. If the Spy does it, he will show regret at doing so, facepalming and groaning as he holds his arm out. His dancing is also very lacking in enthusiasm.
Spy: Kill. Me.
- Which is funny, considering the enthusiasm with which he does the other partner taunts ("SLAP MY HAND!").
- And there's Rock Paper Scissors. Play with the Opposing team! Whoever loses, DIES.
- Do the flip taunt with a Heavy. He just lands on his head. He also flips others players with just one finger, instead of using both hands like the other classes.
- There are a few hilarious voice clips added in the Love and War update that were unfortunately unused. Here's a video of them
- The backstory of the Halloween 2014 event involves Merasmus's financial crisis as he bought a circus and owes the Japanese mafia $12,000. Nearly every line he has during this update is pure gold:
- Bragging that upcoming magical universities (he doesn't want to name names, but, Hogwarts) are "very interested" in his magic.
- Telling Gandalf he can go cry hot tears of jealousy into his stupid beard.
- "MERASMUS PRINTED THIS SPELL OFF THE INTERNET!"
- "I've inflated your heads and filled them with ROTTING, PUTRID GARBAGE! And because I don't want you to worry...my head is fine."
- Reclaiming "evil" as a slur, and saying he's proud of it.
- The sheer glee in which he yells "BONUS DUCKS!"