Funny: Team Fortress 2

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    Meet The Team Videos 
  • "...Oh my God, who touched Sasha? Alright... WHO TOUCHED MY GUN!?"
  • One of the most hilarious ones is the Meet the Sandvich video, in which The Heavy, after munching on a Sandvich beats The Scout and The Soldier offscreen, complete with such lines as "MY BLOOD! HE PUNCHED OUT ALL MY BLOOD!". The movie is topped off with the Heavy watching the enemy team being decimated while happily chewing his Sandvich with a "Nom nom nom nom" sound.
    The Soldier: You call that breaking my spine? You RED team ladies wouldn't know how to break a spine if you- (crrUNCH) OWW, MY SPINEEEEEEEEEEEE!!
    • Even better, lines cut from said Meet The Sandvich video have surfaced. The Scout and the Soldier come up with some hilarious reactions to getting beat down by The Heavy...
      The Scout: Gimme back my leg bone! (thwack) Hey! (thwack thwack) DON'T HIT ME WIT' IT!
      The Soldier: Don't throw your life away, son! You only get one! Or...depending on your religious affiliation, several! Either way, it is a finite number, so think it through!
      The Soldier: There is a checkbook in the left rear pocket of my fatigues; I will pay you all of my money to stop!
      The Soldier: You do not frighten me! Pain does not hurt! (crrUNCH) I-i-i stand corrected! Aaaaaah!
      The Soldier: You can not hurt me! I do not have time to bleed! (squishCRUNCH) M-m-my schedule has just opened up! OWWWOOOH MY GOD!
      The Scout: He's-he's like a bear! He's like a big, shaved bear that hates people!
  • Excellent competition for the above is the Meet the Soldier video, where The Soldier delivers a bizarre, heavily non-sequitur-laden Rousing Speech with a little bit of Insane Troll Logic for flavor to the severed heads of the people he's just killed.
    RED Soldier: Then, he used his fight money to buy two of every animal on earth, and then he herded them onto a boat, and then he beat the crap out of every single one!
    • This is made even better by the fact that he's using a pair of grenades to act out the story, and when he gets to "beat the crap out of every single one," he proceeds to SLAM THEM TOGETHER repeatedly.
      • A little bonus to that scene: if watched on YouTube, one can use the number keys to skip back to when the Heavy was exploded, making it look as though the Soldier whacked together his grenades one too many times and...
    • Another moment is the realization that he was talking about Sun Tzu, hence: and from then on any time a bunch of animals get together in one place it's called a ZOO. ...Unless it's a FARM!
      • Even funnier: The French dub translated the final line as "Farms don't count!"
  • Meet the Sniper; apart from the dialogue, when the Sniper shoots at the Heavy on his list the bullet goes through the Heavy's head and hits a Demoman in his bottle, which (naturally) goes through his eye.
  • The Spy's video has a great one, where the characters discuss their base being infiltrated. When the Scout notices how much praise the BLU Spy is giving the RED one and the best part, the BLU Scout is the RED Spy:
    BLU Scout: What're ya, the president of his fanclub?
    BLU Spy: No. That would be your mother!
    (whips out a file full of dirty pictures of the Scout's mom and RED Spy)
    BLU Scout: *noises of horror*
    BLU Spy: Indeed. And now he's here to *bleep* us! So listen up, boy, or pornography starring your mother will be the second worst thing that happens to you today.
    • Also:
    BLU Spy: He could be any one of us. He could be in this very room! It could be you. It could be me! It could even b*BANG*
    BLU Scout: Whoa, whoa, whoooooa!
    BLU Soldier: What? It was obvious! (ejects empty shotgun shell) He's the red spy! Watch, he'll turn red any second now. (beat) (hits corpse with shotgun barrel) Aaaaanny second now... see! Red! Oh wait, that's blood...
    • The BLU Heavy's reaction after bursting into the locked intelligence room ready to kill the Spy, only to find the intel is still there: "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAaaaalrightthen."
    • When the BLU Soldier is trying to enter the access code on the door, he types in "1, 1, 1, uhhhhh... 1." Apparently, he's been taking lessons from Wheatley.
      • Even better: notice how the "1" key is more worn and dirty than the other keys.
      • Also, once the Soldier entered "1111", there was the sound of an airlock opening, implying that "1111" was indeed the correct password.
    • When the Team Fortress 2 logo/group shot comes on near the end of the video, you can hear the Spy stabbing his victims in time to the music.
  • "Imma black Scottish cyclops! They got more *lengthy Sound Effect Bleep* than they got the likes of me!"
    • Someone found the Uncensored version in SFM. What has he been saying the whole time? "They got more feckin' sea monsters in the great Loch Ness than they got the likes of me!"
    • "Aye, they're going to have to glue you back together...IN HELL!"
    • "So! T'all you fine dandies so proud, so cock-sure, prancin' aboot with your heads full of eyeballs!"
  • From Meet the Medic:
    Medic: (grabbing a new heart for the Heavy) Ahh, perfect.
    BLU Spy's Head: Kill me.
    Medic: Later.
    • The fact that the Spy's head is still somehow smoking his cigarette makes it even funnier. And the Medic is kind enough to keep an ashtray next to him!
    • Also:
      Heavy: So, vhat happens now?
      Medic: Now...? Let's go practice medicine!
    • The fact that the Medic conducts all of his surgery bare-handed, but he suits up in his lab coat and surgical gloves before he strides out onto the battlefield.
    • There's also the end of the video. The Scout walks out of the operating room after having an UberCharged-heart operation with his chest glowing, and then...
      Scout: Oh, MAN! You would not much this hurts! (chest pulsates, followed by a dove cooing from within his chest)
      (Cut to black.)
      Medic: Archimedes!?
    • The previous scene with Archimedes is also hilarious — after the Medic irritably waves him away out of the Heavy's open chest wound, his issue with a dove being inside someone's chest is not the danger to the patient, but because "it's filthy in there!"
    • When the Medic "operates":
      Heavy: Should I be awake for this?
      Medic: Ha ha. Vell, no. But as long as you are, could you hold your ribcage open a bit?
    • The Scout's missing tooth growing back and gleaming when the Medic heals him.
    • When out on the battlefield:
      Heavy: Doctor! Are you sure this vil vork?
    • Medic's Noodle Incident and the look on Heavy's face when he finds out Medic doesn't have a medical license anymore while he's operating on him.
      • "So vhen zee patient voke up, his skeleton vas missing and zee doctor vas never heard from again! *Laughs* Anyway, thats how I lost my medical license."
      • Heavy's various annoyed and worried expressions the whole time Medic is operating on him are pretty funny.
    • A quick one, but the look on the Sniper and Engie's faces when they see the invulnerable Heavy go charging past. They clearly weren't expecting that.
    • Even the outtakes of the video were hilarious. Special mention goes to Spy's accidental revival:
      Spy: Kill me!
      Medic: WAAARGH! (shoots on reflex)
      Spy: Kill me!
      Medic: (continues shooting)
      Spy: KILL ME!
      Medic: (repeatedly shooting the Spy) I'M TRYING! BUT YOU'RE INVINCIBLE! Ah... (realization dawns, and with a smile, he shoots the Spy one last time) Oooh!
      Spy: (off camera, in pain) Mon Dieu!
    • Later on, the Spy's head using his cigarette to try and reach for a bottle of pills.
    • And later still, the Medic uses the spy's head to hold bolts and a light bulb in the only way he can...while simultaneously evoking the infamous 'Gentlemen?' meme.
    • This became doubly hilarious when Surgeon Simulator 2013 added Meet the Medic as a playable level.
  • Meet the Pyro. The whole damn thing.
    • Baby!Heavy. Words cannot describe it.
      • Baby!Soldier and Baby!Scout are very cute too.
    • Can we take a moment to appreciate the Soundtrack Dissonance? The pyro destroying an entire town, burning enemies to the ground while they scream in pain and terror- to the tune of "Do You Believe in Magic?".
      • Until they come back from Pyro's fantasy land and you hear him/her whistling the tune as he walks through the carnage he just caused. "Do You Believe In Magic" has never sounded so creepy...
    • The Scout panicking that the Pyro might have heard him say that he was a freak, and then trying to hastily take off his mic.
    • Pyro skipping. That is all.
    • During the outro class portrait, in the third and fourth frame, the Engineer, who happens to stand next to the Pyro, has a worried facial expression. (Though same Engineer apparently has no problems inviting the Pyro over to his house and reading Australian Christmas stories to him.)
    • Scout running by while holding his wrist in pain, Sniper screaming like a girl as Pyro puts him out of his misery, and Soldier's gaping hole in his chest also deserve mention.

     "Expiration Date" 
  • The Heavy hesitates when discovering that he's eating a sandwich full of tumor-riddled bread... and then continues eating anyway.
  • The brief Freeze-Frame Bonus in the truck confirms, yes, even the code for that is 1111.
  • Medic's attitude throughout the movie; he approaches new medical advances with a kind of wild-eyed excitement, emphasising his insanity.
    Scout: What the hell is that?!
    Medic: ...Tumors!
  • The Demoman appears from a teleporter - carrying a crate of beer, wearing a sombrero and martini-shades, and his grenades are replaced with beer bottles.
  • When the Spy collects the bucket filled with dying wishes, its content is actually crudely-drawn pictures created by the Scout. After the first one, they all consist of Spy in a romantic relationship with the Eiffel Tower. In order, they consist of a picture of Spy with stink lines getting splattered by a car, a picture of Spy having sex with the Eiffel Tower, the Eiffel Tower having sex with Spy, and a post-coital picture of Spy and the Eiffel Tower (except Spy is crying and the Eiffel Tower has stink lines now).
    • What's even better is the exchange that follows it.
    Spy: I'm crying and the Eiffel Tower has stink lines coming off of it...did anyone besides Scout put a card into the bucket!?
    Scout: (already laughing so hard he can barely speak) Oh man, classic Scout...
    Spy: Fantastic. This was a huge waste of my time.
    • Plus, when he goes through the whole Eiffel Tower joke, he has a somewhat amused look on his face. Could the Spy think that Scout's drawings were Actually Pretty Funny?
  • "Scout, please, go f*** yourself!"
  • When the Soldier demonstrates... well, he demonstrates something, probably the inability to speak without hamming it up.
    Spy: This... is a bucket.
    Soldier: Dear God.
    Spy: There's more.
    Soldier: No...
  • The Soldier's last wish:
    Soldier (to Spy): You did not read mine!
    Spy: *sigh* Does it say you want the buc-?
    Soldier: Yes!
  • Scout's pickup lines.
    Scout: We both got buckets of chicken. You wanna do it?
    Girl: Eh, okay.
  • This conversation:
    Spy: Seduce me.
    Scout: You?
    Spy: Seduce me.
    Scout: What? I aint' gonna..
  • The final bit of Scout's dating training.
    Spy: Final question: You have a dinner date for seven. What time do you arrive?
    Scout: Seven. AM. Case the restaurant, run background checks on the staff. Can the cook be trusted? If not, I gotta kill him, dispose of the body, replace him with my own guy, no later than 4:30.
    Spy: ...You're ready!
    Scout: Really!?
    Spy: No. Everything you just said was insane, and we are out of time. Congratulations! You're a failure.
  • During the bread monster rampage, Spy has one thing to say for Scout.
    Spy: "I think it's going pretty well! *cue explosion in the distance* Now go!"
  • Pyro keeping a mutated loaf of bread as a pet.
  • This exchange.
    Soldier: Hello, Miss Pauling, we killed everybody and took a briefcase!
    Pauling: Not everybody, Soldier. You left seven witnesses, guys. *shoots* Six.
  • When Scout is trying to seduce Pauling.
    Scout: You look, you look... ahhhh...
    Demo: Drunk!
    Soldier: Round! Soft! No, round!
    Demo: Blurry!
  • The Medic shaking the bottle he put the self-aware bread in, and the delight in his voice when he exclaims, "Oh look! It hates me so much!"
  • Some Foreshadowing - the Soldier carrying dozens of loaves of bread.
  • This:
    Medic: I didn't say that! I just said we're not filled with tumors!
  • Given without context, but:
    Soldier: "I have done nothing but teleport bread for three days."

    "End of the Line" 
  • In the beginning, the days since the last shipment is 73, and the seven is orientated to resemble a lambda sign.
  • The Pyro having a pool party. And according to the update page, it's filled with gasoline.
  • The Pyro decorating one of the trains with a painting of Pyroland.
  • The Heavy and Medic playing chess, and the Medic's look when the Heavy knocks one of his [Medic] pieces out.
    • To clarify, the Heavy takes the medics pawn with his King. This is his first move.
  • Mann Co. building their explosives storage next to a kitten store. And an orphanage. And a kitten orphanage.
    • Soldier's increasingly horrified face as he looks at all of these.
  • Pyro's train cabin, as it turns out, is full of rubber ducks.
  • Scout is disarming the bomb and it asks him to press one or two "yes" buttons. He picks the green one. It works. Then he switches the light on and notices the dozen other bombs in the car.
    • When trying to unlock the deactivation panel, he realizes he doesn't have the key. As he slumps down, dejected, he notices it underneath a nearby welcome mat that say "GO AWAY".
  • One of the orphans, a young lame boy with a crutches is smoking. As Soldier comes to inspect him, he hurriedly throws away his cigarette... and his cat's cigarette.
  • Heavy and Medic resuming their chess game at the end. Heavy takes so long deciding a move, that Medic flips the board.

    Comics and Other Supplemental Material 
  • Saxton's form letter to an inventor.
    • "I look forward to [X]WORKING WITH YOU IN THE FUTURE [ ]PUMMELING YOU TO DEATH WITH MY BARE DAMN HANDS. [X]SINCERELY [ ] UP yours, Saxton Hale (Australian, President of Mann Co.)
  • UNDERWATER HYPNOPEN Hypnotize sharks. Write on them. It works!
  • The iJustBlewUpTheMoon.
    • Heck, the entirety of that comic. There's far too many great lines in it to count. A sampling:
    Scout: "It looks like some kinda hospital for fruit!"
    Soldier: "Judases! I have used this Mann Co. shovel for twelve years! It does not blog! It does not biodegrade! It barely digs holes! But it is mine and AGGGGGH IT IS ON FIRE!"
    Saxton Hale: "I make square, unsafe products for men! Not white little egg things with no sharp edges and only one button! Look at this tiny thing! It's not on fire! How do you know it's even on?
    Soldier: "I will not! Keep pushing me, sister, and I will shove my carbon footprint so far up your IS THAT A PIG?"
  • All five of the postcards starring the awesomeness that is SAXTON HALE.
  • The Heavy writes on the TF2 Blog: "Usually Soldier has baby job of talking to you through button board. He cannot come to blog today because he tells me he must accept highest honor US government can give: Jury Duty."
  • Meet the Director.
    • In short, pretty much anything to do with the Soldier and his collection of heads. His Big "NO!" upon thinking that they've been destroyed is hilarious.
    • The Director's reaction to the Scout: "We ran out of film five hours ago. [...] We ran out of film five hours ago."
    • The Scout trying to hit on Miss Pauling.
    • Also, the Scout and Heavy talking about how Sasha has a bed right next to the Heavy.
      Scout: That's your gun right there?
      Heavy: Yes.
      Scout: In a tiny bed. Beside YOUR bed.
      Heavy: Yes.
      Scout: That's pretty embarrassin'.
    • Also from that scene: Heavy's skull-and-crossbone pattern pajamas.
    • When the Director is interviewing Heavy, he talks about his tragic back story about how he escaped from a gulag, but Heavy is only interested in talking about his gun.
      • Bonus points for him supplying his words with gestures. He must be thinking "I talk with idiot".
    • When the RED team talk about how they've been mailed different things, Soldier holds up a package and yells "This is nothing! Look what I got in the mail! I am also going to drop it on the floor like all of you did!" He drops the package, and we see that it's got a human head in it. Bonus points for the Spy and the Scout looking absolutely disgusted/horrified:
      Spy: Whose...head is that?
      Soldier: MINE! The question is, where are the other seven?
  • The entirety of the Manniversary update. Special mention goes to Spy's response to being Jarate'd for the third time:
  • Gabe Newell himself gets one when answering a fan's suggestion of not letting Robin Walker into the development team of Counter-Strike: Global Offensive:
  • The Monoculus comic.
    • The Soldier comes by with trick-or-treaters (that have apparently been on the lam with him for four days)
      "I have children! Give us candy! It is the law!"
    • The Spy doesn't have any candy, so he hands one of the kids a pack of cigarettes and a butterfly knife.
      "There. Merry Christmas."
    • The Heavy calls the kid presumptuous, lazy, and fat for expecting him to spend his hard-fought money on candy. When the kid cries, he takes back the fat comment, and quiets the kid by cutting out the middleman.
      "Here. Here is seven thousand dollars."
    • After being warned to "GAZE NOT UPON UPON [the] EVIL TOME" in the library while dusting, a young Demoman asks the wizard Merasmus which broom he's supposed to use to sweep.
      "GAZE NOT UPON THE BROOM! And yes. That broom."
    • When the young Demoman reads the book, it possesses his eye, and then starts gloating. Merasmus is mad not because it's going to cause horrible evil, but because it's going to keep gloating.
      "Now he'll never shut up about it! I have to live with this book, you know!"
      • Even funnier is the fact if you look in the background, you'll discover that the book was going to leave the Demoman's eye on its own accord, making the eye removal completely pointless.
    • When the Demoman finishes his story, and talks about where the wizard is rumored to be, the Soldier then pipes up about him. Turns out the wizard is squatting at their Halloween party as they speak, complaining about the hummus they're serving.
      Demoman: Good lord! After all these years, he's here?
      Soldier: He's my roommate.
    • In the final scene, Merasmus and the Soldier ignore the giant eye to attack each other.
      Soldier: [strangling Merasmus] I am going to slap the magic out of your mouth!
      Merasmus: [hitting the Soldier with his broken staff] I'm calling the police!
  • A Smissmas Story
    • For starters, Scout's ridiculous (even by the TF2 Universe's standards) explanation as to why they blew up a Mall Santa Training facility.
    • The Soldier's reaction to the Scout outing him as the mastermind of the event.
      Soldier: JUDAS! [strangling the Scout] I AM GOING TO KILL YOU BEFORE THEY GIVE ME THE CHAIR!
      Scout: You- are- the- worst- lawyer!
    • The Spy calls Miss Pauling to bail them out.
      Miss Pauling: First things first. How did Soldier become a public defender?
      Spy: It's a long story, but chapter one: His roommate is a magician. Should I continue?
      Miss Pauling: You know what? Nevermind.
    • Scout dividing the meet Santa line into "Single Moms" and "everybody Else" counts as well.
    • Later on, while Soldier is fighting the kid's dad:
      Miss Pauling: Just don't make it worse.
      Spy: Not a problem.
      Soldier: C'MERE, YOU...
      Spy: Everything seems normal so far.
    • Soldier giving Little Jack what he needs:
      Soldier: One: a sensible haircut. [gives Jack a crew cut] Two: I will give you the gift of manhood. You are going to watch...while Santa beats up your father in front of you.
      Little Jack: Yayyy?
      • To be fair to Soldier here, Little Jack really needed that haircut. Bowl cuts *shudder*
    • Old Nick's arrival is announced with a megaphone and one of his kangaroos/"reindeer" kicking the door.
    • COMPOUND ELEVATED SKULL FRACTURE! (With a Saxton Hale figurine)
  • True Meaning
    • The Engineer is reading a story about Australian Christmas, and how Old Nick got into a shootout with the Mafia. Who is he reading this to? The Pyro of course!
  • A recurring patchnote when Valve updates is "Updated localization files." Fans tend to poke fun at this when TF2 mysteriously starts updating. Valve gave it a shot aswell, submitting "Lokalisierungsdateien aktualisiert."note 
  • Day one of the Pyromania update and their opinion of the name of creators of "The Safety Dance".
  • The Pyroland development post:
    The remainder of the iteration cycle was spent on adding minor features and fixing various visual bugs (such as the entire world being rendered in Jarate at one point).
  • The "Blood Brothers" comic, for all its seriousness, still has some funny moments. Particularly every time the Manns mention the pregnancy machine and gravel.
  • A Fate Worse Than Chess has so many hilarious ones.
    • For example, Miss Pauling explaining the situation to the mercs has some glorious snarking. Whether she's rebuffing the Scout before he can even begin flirting, calmly dealing with Hale's antics. However, the best part it probably when she explains that the robots are basically a Money Spider horde.
    Miss Pauling: For reasons I can neither comprehend or explain, the robots run on money. Destroy them, and whatever falls out is yours.
    • Some of the mercs' expressions. Stand outs are a completely disinterested Spy, and the expectant innocence on the Pyro', mask.
    • Later, the Spy looks less stoic when he sees the Soldier picking his nose.
  • Some robotized versions of unused WAR! Update domination lines have been left in the game files. It seems the two have remained friends even though they were hired to kill each other.
    Demoman: DOMINATED! But you're still me best mate. Heh.
    Soldier: DOMINATED! I cherish these moments we spend together.
  • This update hint is basically Rapid-Fire Comedy after the first article. Sections range from the Scout putting out a personal article, to Merasmus selling Soldier as a familiar, to someone directly asking the Soldier to eat weeks-old condiment packets.
    • Later followed by Doom-mates, which brings us such things as Soldier becoming a park ranger and getting Merasmus' castle for himself using the aforementioned condiments, the wizard being a grade A Butt Monkey, and the Kill Me Come Back Stronger pills.
    • The comic's final panel; Soldier is talking to a stunned Scout and a less-than-amused Spy while all manner of carnage goes on outside.
    Soldier: ...then I told the mighty ghost wizard, "Ha! I'd like to see you try!" And that is why he's killing all of us right now!
    Scout: I gotta admit, that does sort of explain everything.
  • This promo for the Second Annual Saxxy Awards. The Medic, Heavy, and Soldier film the Spy and BLU Scout's mom on a date. The Spy is NOT happy about this.
    • How does he react after getting his Saxxy? By suggesting that they run & cloaking himself, leaving the trophy still visible. The people filming his date freak out & run away, even though they are on his team.
  • From the 2012 Holidays comic, The Shadow Boxers: Soldier apparently believes MVM_Coaltown is located on the moon. He also thinks that his teammates are all American. Heavy and Medic play along:
    Heavy: AMERICA IS THE PLACE I AM FROM. ALL THE TIME. two thumbs up, cheesy grin
    • Gray Mann, disappointed about his robots' stupidity.
      Scout Robot: *beepboop* The humans were waiting for us at the last five attack sites, Master. Somehow they <italics on> knew. <italics off> *bopbeepboop* We would advise delaying the secret attack on the Mann Co. headquarters through the abandoned mine shaft.
      Gray Mann: Mm. Would you. And — just so I'm clear — you suspect these security leaks are due to some heretofore unknown "tactical mastermind" in their ranks. ...And not, for instance, because you mention our secret attack plans at every opportunity.
      Scout Robot: *baddaboop* Affirmative. We believe it is the same genius who masterminded the decoy base. *beep boop over here*
      Gray Mann: Ah yes. The genius who built the decoy base. [newspaper shows the Soldier winning a nose-picking contest]
    • The Soldier, Heavy and Miss Pauling go under cover as robots, wearing the Soldier's terrible Halloween costumes. And Grey Mann has just made a robot smart enough to see through the disguises.
      Soldier: I'd hate to be those humans. (picks nose)
  • This blog post. Apparently Linux (and penicillin) was invented when Linus Torvalds left a ham sandwich in his bathroom for two weeks. He later died of septic necrosis.
  • Death of a Salesbot, created alongside the Robotic Boogaloo update. It updates us on what's happened a year after the Mann Versus Machine war began, and... The Mercenaries have won so much, and made it so easy, they're downright swimming in cash and barely working at all. Contrast with the dramatic and almost grim beginning, now that a weird case of Reality Ensues has taken place and the Player Characters win EVERY SINGLE TIME... It becomes downright hilarious in hindsight.
    • The robots' new plan to try to take down Mann Co.? Robotic knockoffs of the mercenaries' hats and miscellaneous items. Ok, it's a non-canon comic, but still, Hee. Lar. Ri. Oss.
    • It's gotten to the point where the mercenaries are literally using their money as fuel for the fireplace and Soldier is eating it in a sandwich.
      • Although given what Soldier is like normally, he would probably be making money sandwiches anyway.
    • Even the robots think powering robots with money is stupid. Yes, everyone, including the robots themselves, think fueling them with money makes no sense.
      • There are two things that make this better. One: It's the Scout-bots that suggest to Gray Mann to make robots that don't run on money. And two: The look that Gray gives them after they suggest it. It just screams uncomprehension, like a robot that doesn't run on money makes no sense to him. Well he is Redmond and Blutarch's brother after all.
  • Ring of Fired may have been a bit of a Wham Episode but it is also one of the funniest comics.
    Soldier: Miss Pauling, Pyro cut off my hand!
    Miss Pauling: Pyro, don't cut off Soldier's hands...
  • Even in death, the Redmond and Blutarch rivalry continues. Only now, for the first time in over a century, they're in close enough proximity to engage each other in a slapping match while arguing over who died first.
  • The Overly Long Gag involving pants on the Scream Fortress 2013 update page:
    Push a corpse-filled cart through a magic-blasted, skeleton-infested terrorscape to reach the infernal maw of a gaping Hellmouth in this Halloween-themed Payload Race of utter pants-filling terror! Just to be clear: You will poop your pants. Also, the police just called: They wanted us to tell you that the smell you phoned them about is coming from inside your pants! GET OUT OF THE PANTS! But it was too late. The End. Of that scary Halloween classic!
  • The trailer for Day Two the Tale of Two Cities update shows everyone cowering from a barrage of missiles. The dust clears and everyone's fine, but while the others were covering their heads, Soldier was covering his privates.
    • Medic's first reaction after successfully deflecting the missiles with his new shield? Turning on his heel, clicking it, straightening his back, and posing with his chin up in the air. He then immediately turns to his left and grins at Heavy, who grins back and appears to be impressed.
  • "Unhappy Returns":
    • The "lawbooks" Scout is studying. The young readers edition of "Ghost. D.A.: The Collected Television Scripts".
    • The mayor's poster, complete with hilariously inappropriate stickers and a pic of Spy shanking an inmate. Combined.
    • These lines from Spy, especially how calm he is when saying them:
    Spy: Mike... I'm going to kill you and anyone else who participates in this preposterous show trial.
    Scout: Me too!
    Spy: Yes, I may kill Scout in the confusion as well.
    Demoman: Bloody hell...
    Soldier: Dear God, what do you see?
    Demoman: Not a damn thing. Let's switch places.
    Scout: But then we killed Santa Claus and they let us go.
    Soldier: (strangling Scout) Tell them I am your lawyer! Say it, maggot!
    Scout: I... want... the... lamp...
    Spy: So...we weren't on trial for all the property damage and murders we've actually committed.
    • After the trial is dismissed, everyone goes to the library:
      Guiseppe/Trevor: I'm going to learn about Italy!
      Mayor Mike: I'm going to learn about mayoring!
      Old Woman: I'm going to learn what a pedophile is!
      • Even better, since Makani works off a loose script, she didn't know that last line was going to be in there.
    • Miss Pauling reveals that the whole town is a bunch of idiots due to Sawmill's water being poisoned with lead...
    Miss Pauling: That's why we've been giving you guys bottled water.
    Soldier: [tilts head] Bottled what now?
    • Spy, in an act of sympathy, helps Scout get to his bank vault in Teufort only to learn that Scout put all his money in Tom Jones memorabilia, planning to sell it for big money when he dies. You can just hear the shift in Spy's tone when he learns this.
      Spy: I admit it... I'm impressed, Scout. At least you've been saving your money. Let's grab the largest denominations. We can launder it at where is the money?
      Scout: You're lookin' at it! I invested every last dime on twelve cubic yards of Tom Jones memorabilia! This stuff is gonna be worth a fortune when he dies!
      Spy: He's not going to die, you imbecile! He's in his twenties! He's the most virile man on the planet! He has no enemies! The man is virtually immortal!
      Scout: I'm playin' the long game, Spy. It's a get-rich-slow scheme.
      • ...of course, Scout might've made a good call, with Spy being proven wrong nearly 6 months later (chronologically).
    • And of course, Soldier showing that he's great with old ladies.
    Demoman: Bloody hell! *Stops Soldier* Hello, Ma'am.
  • "A Cold Day in Hell":
    Soldier: There are only two things that attract bears: honey...and menstruating women! My God, I knew it! Somehow, I always knew! PYRO! Stop blocking the door! Good Lord, the plane is filled with honey! Amelia Earhart's famous sweet tooth has doomed us all!
    Medic: Oh, come now. It's perfectly safe. I put three in Greg. You don't hear him complaining.
    Greg: You said you were filling a cavity!
    Medic: I was! The one I made in your abdomen.
    Scout: Yeah! The waitin' game! Works every time! Eventually!
    • The very first words out of Saxton Hale's mouth:
    Saxton Hale: Charles @#$%ing Darling , Mags? You're working for Charles @#$%ing Darling?
    • Olivia Mann using one of the Teufort Library's step ladders to reach the same height as Gray Mann.note 
    Mayor Mike: Hello! Can I help you?
    Gray Mann: Oh, I doubt it, but here goes... I'm looking for census records dating back to 1850. In the room marked, "Census Records," there's just a vat of what I hope to God is fudge.
    • Also, apparently Teufort was originally founded and named 'Hugginsville' by a man who survived a bear mauling by hiding under the corpse of the bear's victim, his wife. He was forced to change the name to 'Two Farts' by teenage bullies, and was too scared to change it all the way back.
    • This exchange.
    Zhanna: Make love to me.
    Soldier: Okay.
    • And afterwards, Soldier is wearing Zhanna's dress.
    Soldier: Hooray! I am back from the bathroom and everyone is happy!
    Charles Darling: And anyway, these animals aren't dead. They're just sad.
    Giraffe: Mrr...
    Charles Darling: I make them stand on boxes, you see. So I can look into their hilarious defeated eyes any time I like.
  • Saxton Hale still hates Darling
    Saxton Hale: Darling, I'm only going to say this once. I will never work for you. Okay, now I won't ever say that again. Now tell me what I need to do to get my company back.
  • "Catch-Up Comic":
    STILL 1890
    NOW IT'S 1930
    • He also breaks the fourth wall to comment on Gray Mann's "barely credible backstory".
    • Also, how he starts the recap: "Our story starts in New Mexico. It's a desert, and it looks like this. Only a moron would live here. Here's some morons who decide to live here. A rich old man from England and his twin idiot sons."
  • Blood in the Water
    • Pretty much all of Soldier and Zhanna's interactions are hilarious and heartwarming.
      • Zhanna's acceptance of Soldier's engagement string of severed ears.
      • Soldier's reaction when Zhanna romantically helps him snap an Australian's neck. Just look at his huge goofy smile!
      • Soldier and Zhanna discuss what the phrase "extreme prejudice" means in the context of a combat situation.
    Zhanna: You ███ █████ ████████ ███ ████████ ███ █████ the ██████ ██████ ██ ████ ████.
    • NECK FIX
    • The revelation that Sniper is not Australian. He's from New Zealand.
    • Bill-bel, Sniper's biological father, is the dumbest super-genius scientist possible. Case in point? He used the last Cache of Australium to paint his prototype spaceships...which exploded.
    • Pretty much all interaction between Scout and Maggie. His lack of muscles makes her mistake him for a little boy at first and she and Saxton spends the rest of the scene being unintentionally condescending, much to Scout's annoyance.
    • Miss Pauling and Sniper discuss how to make the shallowest grave possible
    Miss Pauling: Speeds up the decomp rate. Trust me, ten minutes with a saw will save you thirty with a shovel.

     Community-Created Content 

     The Game Itself 
  • Every class has a large number of lines that they say when dominating an opponent. A lot of them are contenders for a CMOF:
    The Demoman, on the Heavy: Oh... there's a new gravy-filled angel in heaven!
    The Soldier: If God had wanted you to live, he would not have created me!
    The Soldier, on the Demoman: Scotland is not a real country! You are an Englishman with a dress!
    The Spy, on the Scout: Here lies Scout—he ran fast and died a virgin.
    The Heavy: You are dead. Not big surprise.
    The Medic (after killing more than 3 enemies in less than 20 seconds): Oops! Zat vas not medicine!
    The Medic: Vould you like a second opinion? You are also ugly!
    The Sniper (dominating Heavy): I just bagged the world's fattest man!
    The Spy, on the Engineer: Giddy up now... TO HELL!
    The Spy, on the Sniper: *Mocking laughter* You live in a van! *More mocking laughter*
    • Any time you taunt as a Heavy with the Sandvich, especially when he starts to sing.
    Saaaandvich and me going to BEAT YOUR ASS!
    Vhat vas that, Sandvich? Kill zem all? GOOD IDEA! BAHAHAHAHA!
    Bologna is perfect fuel for KILLING TINY COWARDS!
  • The cartoonish style of the game means that sometimes you die in such hilarious ways it's impossible to stay mad.
    • Especially when you are gibbed, and the game gleefully points out your body parts. "Your foot!" "Your head!" "Your pancreas!"
    • If you get gibbed particularly badly, either by getting hit with a critical rocket or running into a sticky grenade trap, the game itself will give up on trying to identify your body parts and just slap "A bit of you!" and "Another bit of you!" on the chunky red paste that used to be your body.
  • The Source engine physics can do some mighty funny things, especially to ragdolls. Melee kills seem to trigger some of the weirdest and funniest results, including punching enemies up to a great height or across a room or sending victims rocketing out of the map.
  • A Demoman equipped with the Scottish Resistance taunts by wriggling his butt at you, accompanied by the sound of squeaking.
  • Sometimes just the various wacky hijinks that players perform.
  • Getting an entire team to go Spycrab. It has happened, and the results were hilarious, if a bit messy.
  • The developers put doves into the game on pretty much all the official maps before the release of The Uber Update. For God knows what reason, they exploded when so much as tapped.
  • It was removed in an age-old update, but being telefragged lead to the most hilariously sad killcam in the game.
    You have been killed by the Teleporter Exit of Chucklenuts
  • Some of the achievement names are hilarious puns. For example, the Pyro's achievements: Dance Dance Immolation: Kill 3 taunting enemies. and OMGWTFBBQ: Kill an enemy with your Hadouken taunt. And that's exactly what you'll say if you're unaware that certain taunts like these can One-Hit Kill.
  • The Soldier's Equalizer taunt is blowing himself up. Trying this for the first time is hilarious. Also never gets old.
    • A perfectly timed blast around a corner during humiliation will end up humiliating the winning team. This taunt is the best for the job because it can kill multiple players in one hit.
    • Even better, wear the Lumbricus Lid and do an Equalizer taunt.
      • Even better, equip the rocket jumper, which negates explosive damage done to yourself. Infinte, instakill explosions!
  • The Demoman's response to going into Sudden Death:
    Thankfully, I already don't remember this.
  • The Soldier, while being UberCharged:
    We have you surrounded, at least from this side!
  • It's possible to recreate the Demoman's trap in 'Meet the Demoman.' Load up a spawn area door with sticky bombs before a match, then proceed to detonate them when they open. Most of the chat afterwards will be filled with variations of "Did that guy just kill half our team?!"
  • A few of the signs on the official maps can be hilarious.
    "THIS IS NOT AN EXIT. Unless you're a go-getter and want to MAKE it one."
  • Spy somehow manages to act calm and poised even in the heat of battle, to the extent that one of his responses to being set on fire is a monotonous "I do believe I'm on fire..." or the slightly more alarmed "I appear to have burst into flames!" However, if you manage to hit him with Jarate...
    "Is this... MON DIEU!"
    "I hate you!"
    " Jarate? *incoherent sobbing*"
    "Jarate? Nooooooooo!"
    "I have been shown who is the boss!"
  • When you have all three pieces of Soldier's 2011 Halloween costume, he starts saying some golden stuff.
    Russian Tooth Fairy has come for all your teeth! Ha ha ha!
  • A new item available for the game is a High Five taunt. This allows two players to high-five each other, with varying responses if completed or left hanging. The Pyro's 'happy' response to a completed high-five is so hilariously childish in its glee that it's hard not to laugh.
    "I feel très bon!"
    "Slap my hand. Slap it now!"
    • And if you ignore him for long enough:
  • The Ullapool Caber, a German WWII-era style grenade, that explodes immediately upon hitting a hard surface. So how does the Demoman use it? As a melee weapon, that's how! Made funnier by its description: "A sober person would throw it..."
  • The descriptions for some of the game modes can be this.
    Capture the Flag: And by flag we mean a glowing briefcase.
    Sawmill blurb: ... These lead to a flooded underground stronghold that holds the enemy’s top secret intelligence—a flag made entirely out of microfilm. Or possibly nylon. Either way, yoink!
  • The Pyromania update can be described as "RAINBOWS EVERYWHERE!"
    • Taken Up to Eleven by the Pyrovision Goggles. You too can brutally slaughter squeaky-voiced opponents in a magical land of cake and lollipops.
      • The squeaky voice clips deserve a special mention. Everyone sounds just plain bizarre. The Scout sounds like an actual chipmunk, the Engineer's weird wheezing laugh sounds even funnier, and since the Heavy's voice was so deep in the first place he doesn't sound squeaky quite so much as he sounds like a woman with a sore throat.
      • Not to mention the changed voiceclips. Yells of pain are replaced with elated laughter, and players set on fire will actually celebrate their plight. "I AM VERY HAPPY!" indeed.
      • The Domination notifications. "IS DOMINATING" is changed to "IS BEST FRIENDS WITH", and "GOT REVENGE ON" is changed to "BROKE UP WITH".
  • This little gem from the bulletin board on sd_doomsday: Attention: It is not a secret base if you keep telling people where it is.
  • Some of the new Mann vs. Machine voice clips:
    Medic: I feel like a million Deutchmarks!
    Medic: HeheHAHA! I am a GOD!
    Soldier: I will open up your chassis and use you all as a latrine!
    Soldier: You call that a loss? I've crapped bigger losses than that.
    Heavy: Whew! I'm getting too old and giant for this.
    Soldier: I am not trapped in a facility full of robots, you are all trapped in here with ME!
    Soldier: Reboot in Robot Hell, you tin savages!
  • The Administrator's lines when you go into Mann-Up Mode:
    Administrator: Mann-Up Mode activated! You poor fools...
    Administrator: Mann-Up Mode activated. What were you thinking?!
  • The entire "Decoy" map - it's a ghost town which has been made into an incredibly crude mock-up of a Mann Co. base, with the Soldier's crudely-lettered signs declaring things such as "RESEARCH FACILITY FOR ANTI-ROBOT WEPPONS" and "HALE RESIDENCE." And it works, somehow baiting the robots into attacking.
  • There are various humorous signs in Mannworks.
    NOT AN EXIT Unless you're a go-getter and want to make it one
    For safety reasons, all employees must have moustaches past this point
  • Team Fortress 2's disguise mechanics for spies means that they appear to be genuine members of the other team to your enemies. To pull off a more convincing Spy disguise, the disguise will in turn wear the cardboard cutout mask of a disguise. This means you could choose to play a BLU Spy, disguised as a RED Spy, disguised as a member of BLU team. Because of the 'fake' disguise (that is, the false paper mask RED team sees on 'their' Spy in this case) is chosen, it is possible for a BLU Spy be disguised as a RED Spy disguised as a BLU Spy. If this happens while you're the only Spy on your side, you have essentially ended up wearing a disguise of yourself to fool the enemy team, and it's as hilarious, Mind Screw-y, and absurd as it sounds.
  • The Spectral Halloween Special Update. You get to do battle with Merasmus, keeper of the Bombinomicon. He ends up spinning a wheel to determine how to change the game. Choices include removing gravity, giving the players big or tiny heads, Super Speed, causing the players to bleed, set on fire, raining Jarate, or summoning ghosts, or granting you Ubercharge. The responses he gives to the last one are hilarious.
  • Merasmus the Magician cracks some nice lines in response to his Wheel of Fate spell activating.
    "JARATE! Merasmus is... sorry about this one."
    "JARATE! Merasmus is not proud of this one."
  • Quite a few of the classes' lines in the Halloween Event of 2012.
    Scout: [no gravity fate] Gravity? Who gives a crap about gravity?
    Scout: [after having the big head spell put on him] Don't look at me I'm slightly less handsome!
    Scout: [falling down the bottomless pit] AAAAAAAAAAAAAAA-Holy crap, this goes on forever.
    Scout: [spooked by a ghost] *girly scream*
    Soldier: [no gravity fate] Don't you die on me, gravity.
    Soldier: [when Merasmus uses the Bombinomicon] He's got a book! HE'S GOING TO READ!
    Soldier: [when Merasmus uses the Bombinomicon] Look out! It's the bas-bo-bibby-bomb!
    Soldier: Your ass will be haunted by three ghosts - my foot, my other foot, and a ghost!
    Soldier: Come on out, Merasmus, I've got your rent!
    Soldier: Come on out, Merasmus, I've got your body! It's not burned! Looks pretty good! I might crawl in there myself!
    Soldier: Son, you are a disgrace to the afterlife. You do not deserve to wear that magic dress.
    Soldier: Oh hello, Gundorf! Where's Blasbo Babbins? Oh there he is! Everyone's here! Labalos, Gimpy, Dumpy, Snoopy... um... Man, I wish Merasmus was around to see this magical turn of events!
    Soldier: Merasmus, take your voodoo back to Canada, where it belongs!
    Soldier: *falling down the bottomless pit* Damn you, Merasmus! You were the wooorst roooomaaaaaatttee!
    Demoman: Ya call those bombs, ya wee little romance novel? I'll show you bombs!
    Demoman: Merasmus. I've got your nickel. Give me back me eye!
    Medic: Er, hello, magic book! Do you still have Demoman's eye? I'll trade you a heart for it!
    Medic: Come out, Merasmus! Nothing vill happen to you, I swear! ...hehehaha! I can't! Ve're going to kill you!
    Spy: [falling down the bottomless pit] AAAAAAAAAAA-Come on, I don't have all day.
    Spy: [while doing the Thriller taunt] Jealous?
    Spy: [falling down the bottomless pit] AAAAAAAAAAH! *Beat* AAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!
  • Heavy's newest costume this Halloween is a pretty pink pixie. And it has its own voice lines once the full set is completed.
    Heavy: Heavy is Anastasia, Russian princess... IS SERIOUS, HISTORICAL COSTUME!
    Heavy: Brush Heavy's hair...BRUSH IT!
  • When fighting Merasmus you'll occasionally get help from the Bombinomicon, who turns your head into a bomb that can damage Merasmus and turn you invincible and crit-boosted. Also the Bombinomicon has a high-pitched voice and a Spanish accent.
    Bombinomicon: Pow! Zoop! Bomb head for you.
  • Soldier and Merasmus' insistence that the other is a terrible person. Usually while dying.
    Soldier: (Falling into a giant pit) Damn you Merasmus! You are the wooorst roommaaaaaate!
  • Can we just give credit to Merasmus in general?
    Merasmus: EVERYTHING'S coming up Merasmus!
    Merasmus: Behold! The terror of READING!
    Merasmus: And though you fight to stay alive, your body starts to spasmus. For no mere mortal can resist, the magic of...MERASMUS!
    Merasmus: You. Are. GODS! I don't know why I put that on the wheel...
    Merasmus: You. Are. GODS! I... meant to do that. It will go badly for you. You watch.
    Merasmus: You. Are. GODS! ...Wait, no no no no no!
    Merasmus: Invincible! Invincibl- wait, wait, what?
    Merasmus: Everybody's invincible! Muhahaha! Fools! Ahaha, eheh... hold on.
    Merasmus: Poop! Poop in your PUMPKIN PANTS!
    Merasmus: Gravity displeases me, SO I REMOVED IT! ...most of it!
    Merasmus: You may have bested my magic, but can you withstand the dark power... OF HIDING!?
    Merasmus: I am hiding! But as what? A pumpkin? A brick? Perhaps a harmless oil drum! Or a brick?!
    Merasmus: If you don't find me soon, I'll get so strong I might die of strength! AH HA HA HA! THAT'S A REAL THING!
    Merasmus: Fools. They have no idea how strong I'm getting. Or how loud I'm talking.
    Merasmus: [spinning the Wheel of Fate] THE WHEEL! Come on, wheel. Merasmus needs this.
    Merasmus: I am healing myself with healing magic! ...And aspirin.
    Merasmus: Hmhmwuhahahaha! GOODBYE! FOREVER! ... I'll see you at home, Soldier.
    Merasmus: Feel the tiny eldritch terror of an itty...bitty...head!
    Merasmus: AAAAAAHHH-I did not think this through.
  • In a "Special Delivery" match, if you manage to get the Australium all the way up the elevator and launch the rocket, it starts to take off... then promptly crashes and explodes. One of the Administrator's potential reactions is priceless:
    Administrator: Oh no... gentlemen, this never happened.
  • Wheatley has some funny clips as the new Ap-Sap weapon for the Spy:
    Computers? Hacked those. Mainframes? Hacked as well. Um...regular frames. All your different kind of frames.
    Look at the pair of us, sneaking around. Like a couple of ne'er-do-wells.
    Oh! There you are! Quick picture. That's lovely, very inspirational. Brave!
    *singing* Hacking, hacking! Harmless hacking! Not in danger!
    *singing* Hacking, hacking! Doing a bit of harmless hacking! Not in danger!
    Oh, wait! No, I've got it! I've— *buzz* No, that won't work. Wait! Oh, I'm a genius! I'm an absolute g— *buzz* No, I'm not.
    Yes! Yes!! In your face!
    Aw, bless your little heart! Believe in yourself! Shoot for the stars! Why not? You can be anything you want to be!
    Oh, just—make sure you keep a tight grip on me. If you would. Poor, fragile little Wheatley. Easily breakable.
    If you're alive, can you say something? Jump around, so I know you're okay! Unless you've broken your legs, in which case, don't jump around - that'll just make it worse!
    Oh, not the pocket!
    Oh my God, they're shooting at us! They're shooting at us! Don't panic, but they are shooting at us!
  • "Flawless Defeat! You didn't kill any of them!"
  • The Scream Fortress 2013 event features a Halloween-themed Hightower map where in place of the bombs are Redmond and Blutarch's graves, with both of them demanding the teams to send the other brother to Hell while they trade insults with one another.
    Blutarch: Dear Lord, this is Blutarch Mann speaking!
    Redmond: And Redmond!
    Blutarch: Shut up Redmond, I'm praying! Lord, please send my brother to Hell, Amen.
    Redmond: Lord, wait! Whatever he's praying to you for, I'll double it!
    Blutarch: NO!
    Redmond: *Cackling* I win at praying brother!

    Blutarch: Yes, pushing! I am a tactical genius!
    Redmond: What? I invented pushing years ago!
    Blutarch: The only thing you invented is losing to me right now!
    Redmond: What? Noooo!
    Blutarch: *Laughing*

    Redmond: Blutarch, we're family. Tell you what, on the count of three, let's both apologize and go to heaven. One, two, three. I'm-
    Blutarch: I'm sorry...No!
    Redmond: *Laughing*
    Blutarch: I meant I'm sorry that I'm sending you to hell!
    Redmond: No!
    Blutarch: And I'm not! Sorry!

    Redmond: Look at your corpse brother, as ugly in death as you were in life. So shriveled and red.
    Redmond: What? No!

    Redmond/Blutarch: Look at me now father!
    Zepheniah Mann: You did great son.
    Redmond/Blutarch: Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes!
    Redmond/Blutarch: NOOOOOOO!

    Blutarch: Knock, knock!
    Redmond: Who is it?
    Blutarch: Redmond, it's Blutarch! This is a "knock, knock" joke. OPEN THIS DOOR AT ONCE!
    Redmond: No, thank you.
    Blutarch: Redmond, I assure you I'll make it worth your while.
    Redmond: No!
    Blutarch: Knock, knock!
    Redmond: Who is it?
    Blutarch: It's your brother, Blutarch. Now, for God's sake, let me in! Someone's trying to send me to Hell!
    Redmond: I'm trying to send you to Hell! [Evil Laugh]
    Blutarch: Good lord! That changes everything! I'll finish the joke later!

    Blutarch/Redmond: Yes! YES! Send my brother to Hell!
    Redmond/Blutarch: Wait, what was that?
    Blutarch/Redmond: I'm not talking to you, [Redmond/Blutarch]! I'm talking to the mercs!
    Redmond/Blutarch: My mercs? Don't you dare! They've got a job!
    Blutarch/Redmond: Come, brother. What could they possibly be doing?
    Redmond/Blutarch: Sending you to Hell, [Blutarch/Redmond]!
    Blutarch/Redmond: What? [RED/BLU] Team! Stop what you're doing!
    Redmond/Blutarch: Belay that order, [RED/BLU] Team!

    Blutarch/Redmond: You there! [RED/BLU] Team! I'll double what my ratstink brother is paying you!
    Redmond/Blutarch: [Blutarch/You imbecile]! This is what I'm paying them!
    Blutarch/Redmond: Agh! Never mind!

    • Blutarch leaning on the fourth wall:
      Blutarch: All you have to do is send my brother's haunted corpse to hell, then run across a bridge to an enchanted island every time the clock strikes midnight every one and a half minutes to get powerful spells you can use to defeat your enemy, who will be doing the exact same thing, but with my haunted corpse! My only worry is this update makes too much sense.
  • The same update also added plenty of bird heads for everyone. As in "replacing their heads with those of giant birds". The lines that got added for these are even better:
    Heavy: I LIVE! With grotesque bird-head, is horrible!
    Heavy: Now bird heavy will vomit worms down your throat!
    Heavy: As promised, Heavy will now lay egg in your mouth.
    Sniper: You and I are a lot alike, mate. Except I'm an owl, and you're dead!
    Sniper: Hoot! HOOOOOT!
    Medic: I have a bird-head, you're dominated! We're both having a bad day...
    Soldier: Dominated, candypants! This is Soldier, by the way, I have an eagle head right now.
    Soldier: Screamin' eagle! AAAAAARGH!
    Soldier: (on fire) Argh! Brauk! My head smells delicious!
  • Sometimes, when picking up a rare spell:
    Soldier: I am having a heart attack!
  • Merasmus returns for Eternaween, still hilariously hammy as ever.
    Merasmus: Welcome to T-G-I-Halloween, where it's always Halloween! I'm Merasmus, your server! We have a couple of lovely specials tonight: ONE OF THEM IS YOUR OWN DEATH! The other is loaded tuscan flatbread.
  • On Mannhattan, there's a deathtrap used to reset the bomb carrier back to start. Positioned right next to it is a Banana Peel. Walking over it pushes you directly into the trap, along with a "whoop!" sound effect.
  • Soldier, upon getting an Australium gun drop:
    (awed whisper) This must be what the President feels like all the time.
  • While the Second Opinion is usually quite creepy, there are some golden lines.
    Second Opinion: Kill them all.
    Medic: Hm... Are you sure?
    Second Opinion: Yes.
    Medic: Well, I'm convinced!
  • It's possible to edit the Mann vs. Machine Tanks' speed. Set it really high, and this happens.
  • Pretty much anything the Scout says.
    Wave goodbye to your secret crap, dumbass.
    (when dominating another Scout) Yeah I dare ya, Rage Quit. C'mon, make us both happy.
    Look at this: Just caved in your skull, my bat's still dry. No clumps o' hair, nuthin'.
    (when dominating a Sniper) You'll never hit me! You'll never hit my tiny head! It's so tiny I got a frickin'...such a tiny li'l head!
    Pop quiz: How long's it take to beat a moron to death? (buzzer imitation) Sorry, time's up, you're dead.
    (when dominating a Heavy) I am owning you, you fat, bald, fatty fat...fat fat!
    (when dominating a Soldier) Drop dead and gimme 20.
  • Loaves of bread springing out of the teleporter.
  • Seeing a Demoknight in action can become this; especially since a recent update essentially made the Demoknight immune to afterburn if he has a Chargin' Targe. Combine this with the speed and power boost of the Eyelander, and...well, you get the idea.
  • One of the new taunts added in the Love and War update has you doing the Conga in which other players can form a Conga line (think of it like the High Five taunt only with more people) even with the other team. There have been instances where a large portion of a team, the entire team, or if you really want to see this taunt at its highest, the entire server doing the Conga.
    • Assuming the entire server isn't doing the Conga, some players will go out of their way to abandon the objective and just kill anyone in the opposing team doing the Conga. The game even gives you an achievement for doing so!
    • While many of the lines the characters have are really funny, the crowner has to go this one from the Spy, said with so much enthusiasm for the most serious character in the cast:
    Spy: Let us dance, gentlemen! Dance like no-one's shooting at us!
  • The Love and War update also provided a lot more two-person taunts. One of these is a square-dancing taunt. If the Spy does it, he will show regret at doing so, facepalming and groaning as he holds his arm out. His dancing is also very lacking in enthusiasm.
    Spy: Kill. Me.
    • Which is funny, considering the enthusiasm with which he does the other partner taunts ("SLAP MY HAND!").
  • And there's Rock Paper Scissors. Play with the Opposing team! Whoever loses, DIES.
  • Do the flip taunt with a Heavy. He just lands on his head. He also flips others players with just one finger, instead of using both hands like the other classes.
  • There are a few hilarious voice clips added in the Love and War update that were unfortunately unused. Here's a video of them
  • The backstory of the Halloween 2014 event involves Merasmus's financial crisis as he bought a circus and owes the Japanese mafia $12,000. Nearly every line he has during this update is pure gold:
    • Bragging that upcoming magical universities (he doesn't want to name names, but, Hogwarts) are "very interested" in his magic.
    • Telling Gandalf he can go cry hot tears of jealousy into his stupid beard.
    • "I've inflated your heads and filled them with ROTTING, PUTRID GARBAGE! And because I don't want you to head is fine."
    • Reclaiming "evil" as a slur, and saying he's proud of it.
    • The sheer glee in which he yells "BONUS DUCKS!"

    Item Descriptions 
  • The Balloonicorn's item description. Hey, it's a pink inflatable unicorn that floats alongside you! That's pretty innocent, right? Well, the Balloonicorn isn't what he seems...
    Oh my goodness! Is it Balloonicorn? The Mayor of Pyroland? Don't be ridiculous, we're talking about an inflatable unicorn. He's the Municipal Ombudsman. Between you and me, Balloonicorn's a joke down at City Hall. Gary Brottman, the inflatable Sewer Superintendent, is sleeping with Balloonicorn's wife. Anyway, when he's riding around on your shoulder don't mention ANY of this to him, because Balloonicorn is on a hair trigger and he's usually pretty drunk.
    • Valve's product description for the real-life version also deserves mention:
      Liked Balloonicorn so much in the Pyromania Update that you'd like to take him home with you? Because Balloonicorn could really use a place to crash at for a bit (one, two weeks max), he's going through a bit of a rough patch right now. Also, you totally won't even know he's there. Hey, look, also, could you pick Balloonicorn up some smokes on the way home? He's good for it, he's just waiting to get some money wired to him.
  • The description of the Sniper's Sir Hootsalot (An owl on his shoulder)
    If owls are so smart, why did this one let you glue it to your shoulder? Come to think of it, neither one of you is looking like a super-genius on this one.
  • The description of the Electric Escorter (a lightbulb in the Pyro's head)
    "And it seems to me you lived your life/with a lightbulb in your head/wishing you had cleaned the hole/as the cephalic tetanus spreads" - Elton John, words by Bernie Taupin
  • The description of the Scout's Batter's Helmet (a baseball helmet)
    You'll be batting a thousand (skulls in) when you don this red piece of plastic!
  • The description of the Spooky Shoes (socks with a skeleton design)
    From Hell! Size 666! Outside of Hell, that’s a 5 1/2. Men’s! Experience the agonizing terror of tiny man feet!
  • The description of the Soldier's Captain's Cocktails (two soup cans that replace the Soldier's grenades.)
    Attention, tramps! Are you MAN enough to carry around cans full of expired soup? Are you CRAZY enough to pretend they're grenades? Are you HUNGRY enough to probably eat the soup later, when nobody's looking? We bet yes!
  • Unlike hats, descriptions for weapons tend to be pretty matter of fact... except the the Boston Basher:
    On hit: Bleed for 5 seconds
    On Miss: Hit yourself. Idiot.
  • For the Ball-Kicking Boots
    ''Show balls who is the boss"
  • The Lil' Snaggletooth bring us this
    'When I grow up, I want to be a hat.' -Li'l Snaggletooth