"...Oh my God, who touched Sasha? Alright...*Turns to his left* WHO TOUCHED MY GUN!?"
One of the most hilarious ones is the Meet the Sandvich video, in which The Heavy, after munching on a Sandvich beats The Scout and The Soldier offscreen, complete with such lines as "MY BLOOD! HE PUNCHED OUT ALL MY BLOOD!". The movie is topped off with the Heavy watching the enemy team being decimated while happily chewing his Sandvich with a "Nom nom nom nom" sound.
The Scout: Gimme back my leg bone! (thwack, thwack thwack) DON'T HIT ME WITH IT! The Scout: PAIN PAIN PAIN PAIN PAIN PAIN! I REGRET EVERYTHING! I REGRET EVERYTHING I'VE EVER DONE! The Soldier: Don't throw your life away, son! You only get one! Or...depending on your religious affiliation, several! Either way, it is a finite number, so think it through! The Soldier: There is a checkbook in the left rear pocket of my fatigues; I will pay you all of my money to stop! The Soldier: You do not frighten me! Pain does not hurt! (crrUNCH) Iii stand corrected! Aaaaaah!
The Soldier: You can not hurt me! I do not have time to bleed! (squishCRUNCH) My schedule has just opened up! OWWWOOOH MY GOD!
The Scout: He's like a bear! He's like a big, shaved bear that hates people!
RED Soldier: Then, he used his fight money to buy two of every animal on earth, and then he herded them onto a boat, and then he beat the crap out of every single one!
This is made even better by the fact that he's using a pair of grenades to act out the story, and when he gets to "beat the crap out of every single one," he proceeds to SLAM THEM TOGETHER repeatedly.
A little bonus to that scene: if watched on YouTube, one can use the number keys to skip back to when the Heavy was exploded, making it look as though the Soldier whacked together his grenades one too many times and...
Another moment is the realization that he was talking about Sun Tzu, hence: and from then on any time a bunch of animals get together in one place it's called a ZOO. ...Unless it's a FARM!
Even funnier: The French dub translated the final line as "Farms don't count!"
Meet the Sniper; apart from the dialogue, when the Sniper shoots at the Heavy on his list the bullet goes through the Heavy's head and hits a Demoman in his bottle, which (naturally) goes through his eye.
The fact that the Sniper's only response to this was a very subdued "Oh...", almost indicating he genuinely wasn't expecting to see the Demoman and his primed grenades fall onto the barrels, added a certain charm, too.
"I think his mate saw me. (narrowly dodges hail of incoming bullets) Yes. Yes, he did!"
The Spy's video has a great one, where the characters discuss their base being infiltrated. When the Scout notices how much praise the BLU Spy is giving the RED one and the best part, the BLU Scout is the RED Spy:
BLU Scout: What're ya, the president of his fanclub? BLU Spy: No. That would be your mother! (whips out a file full of dirty pictures of the Scout's mom and RED Spy) BLU Scout:*noises of horror* BLU Spy: Indeed. And now he's here to *bleep* us! So listen up, boy, or pornography starring your mother will be the second worst thing that happens to you today.
BLU Spy: He could be any one of us. He could be in this very room! It could be you. It could be me! It could even b*BANG*
BLU Scout: Whoa, whoa, whoooooa!
BLU Soldier: What? It was obvious! (ejects empty shotgun shell) He's the red spy! Watch, he'll turn red any second now. (beat) (hits corpse with shotgun barrel) Aaaaanny second now... see! Red! Oh wait, that's blood...
The BLU Heavy's reaction after bursting into the locked intelligence room ready to kill the Spy, only to find the intel is still there: "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAaaaalrightthen."
When the BLU Soldier is trying to enter the access code on the door, he types in "1, 1, 1, uhhhhh... 1." Apparently, he's been taking lessons from Wheatley.
Even better: notice how the "1" key is more worn and dirty than the other keys.
Also, once the Soldier entered "1111", there was the sound of an airlock opening, implying that "1111" was indeed the correct password.
When the Team Fortress 2 logo/group shot comes on near the end of the video, you can hear the Spy stabbing his victims in time to the music.
There's also the end of the video. The Scout walks out of the operating room after having an UberCharged-heart operation with his chest glowing, and then...
Scout: Oh, MAN! You would not believe...how much this hurts! (chest pulsates, followed by a dove cooing from within his chest)
(Cut to black.)
The previous scene with Archimedes is also hilarious — after the Medic irritably waves him away out of the Heavy's open chest wound, his issue with a dove being inside someone's chest is not the danger to the patient, but because "it's filthy in there!"
The whole video is hilarious.
Medic: Don't be such a baby. Ribs grow back. (turns to Archimedes) ...No, zey don't.
Can we take a moment to appreciate the Soundtrack Dissonance? The pyro destroying an entire town, burning enemies to the ground while they scream in pain and terror- to the tune of "Do You Believe in Magic?".
The Scout panicking that the Pyro might have heard him say that he was a freak, and then trying to hastily take off his mic.
During the outro class portrait, in the third and fourth frame, the Engineer, who happens to stand next to the Pyro, has a worried facial expression. (Though same Engineer apparently has no problems inviting the Pyro over to his house and reading Australian Christmas stories to him.)
The Heavy writes on the TF2 Blog: "Usually Soldier has baby job of talking to you through button board. He cannot come to blog today because he tells me he must accept highest honor US government can give: Jury Duty."
Bonus points for him supplying his words with gestures. He must be thinking "I talk with idiot".
When the RED team talk about how they've been mailed different things, Soldier holds up a package and yells "This is nothing! Look what I got in the mail! I am also going to drop it on the floor like all of you did!" He drops the package, and we see that it's got a human head in it. Bonus points for the Spy and the Scout looking absolutely disgusted/horrified:
Spy: Whose...head is that?
Soldier:'MINE!' The question is, where are the other seven?
The Soldier comes by with trick-or-treaters (that have apparently been on the lam with him for four days)
"I have children! Give us candy! It is the law!"
The Spy doesn't have any candy, so he hands one of the kids a pack of cigarettes and a butterfly knife.
"There. Merry Christmas."
The Heavy calls the kid presumptuous, lazy, and fat for expecting him to spend his hard-fought money on candy. When the kid cries, he takes back the fat comment, and quiets the kid by cutting out the middleman.
"Here. Here is seven thousand dollars."
After being warned to "GAZE NOT UPON UPON [the] EVIL TOME" in the library while dusting, a young Demoman asks the wizard Merasmus which broom he's supposed to use to sweep.
"GAZE NOT UPON THE BROOM!And yes. That broom."
When the young Demoman reads the book, it possesses his eye, and then starts gloating. Merasmus is mad not because it's going to cause horrible evil, but because it's going to keep gloating.
"Now he'll never shut up about it! I have to live with this book, you know!"
Even funnier is the fact if you look in the background, you'll discover that the book was going to leave the Demoman's eye on its own accord, making the eye removal completely pointless.
When the Demoman finishes his story, and talks about where the wizard is rumored to be, the Soldier then pipes up about him. Turns out the wizard is squatting at their Halloween party as they speak, complaining about the hummus they're serving.
Demoman: Good lord! After all these years, he's here? Soldier: He's my roommate.
In the final scene, Merasmus and the Soldier ignore the giant eye to attack each other.
Soldier: [strangling Merasmus] I am going to slap the magic out of your mouth! Merasmus: [hitting the Soldier with his broken staff] I'm calling the police!
For example, Miss Pauling explaining the situation to the mercs has some glorious snarking. Whether she's rebuffing the Scout before he can even begin flirting, calmly dealing with Hale's antics. However, the best part it probably when she explains that the robots are basically a Money Spider horde.
Miss Pauling: For reasons I can neither comprehend or explain, the robots run on money. Destroy them, and whatever falls out is yours.
Some of the mercs' expressions. Stand outs are a completely disinterested Spy, and the expectant innocence on the Pyro's....er, mask.
Later, the Spy looks less stoic when he sees the Soldier picking his nose.
Demoman: DOMINATED! But you're still me best mate. Heh. Soldier: DOMINATED! I cherish these moments we spend together.
This update hint is basically Rapid-Fire Comedy after the first article. Sections range from the Scout putting out a personal article, to Merasmus selling Soldier as a familiar, to someone directly asking the Soldier to eat weeks-old condiment packets.
Fridge Brilliance when you realize that Soldier features heavily in the Halloween 2012 update, and he's the Malaproper. He's trying and failing to say 'Bombinomicon.'
This promo for the Second Annual Saxxy Awards. The Medic, Heavy, and Soldier film the Spy and BLU Scout's mom on a date. The Spy is NOT happy about this.
How does he react after getting his Saxxy? By suggesting that they run & cloaking himself, leaving the trophy still visible. The people filming his date freak out & run away, even though they are on his team.
From the 2012 Holidays comic, The Shadow Boxers: Soldier apparently believes MVM_Coaltown is located on the moon. He also thinks that his teammates are all American. Heavy and Medic play along:
Gray Mann, disappointed about his robots' stupidity.
Scout Robot: *beepboop* The humans were waiting for us at the last five attack sites, Master. Somehow they <italics on> knew. <italics off> Gray Mann: Mm. Would you. And — just so I'm clear — you suspect these security leaks are due to some heretofore unknown "tactical mastermind" in their ranks. ...And not, for instance, because you mention our secret attack plans at every opportunity. Scout Robot: *baddaboop* Affirmative. We believe it is the same genius who masterminded the decoy base. *beep boop over here* Gray Mann: Ah yes. The genius who built the decoy base. [newspaper shows the Soldier winning a nose-picking contest]
The Soldier, Heavy and Miss Pauling go under cover as robots, wearing the Soldier's terrible Halloween costumes. And Grey Mann has just made a robot smart enough to see through the disguises.
Soldier: I'd hate to be those humans. (picks nose)
This blog post. Apparently Linux (and penicillin) was invented when Linus Torvalds left a ham sandwich in his bathroom for two weeks. He later died of septic necrosis.
Death of a Salesbot, created alongside the Robotic Boogaloo update. It updates us on what's happened a year after the Mann Versus Machine war began, and... The Mercenaries have won so much, and made it so easy, they're downright swimming in cash and barely working at all. Contrast with the dramatic and almost grim beginning, now that a weird case of Reality Ensues has taken place and the Player Characters win EVERY SINGLE TIME... It becomes downright hilarious in hindsight.
The robots' new plan to try to take down Mann Co.? Robotic knockoffs of the mercenaries' hats and miscellaneous items. Ok, it's a non-canon comic, but still, Hee. Lar. Ri. Oss.
Even the robots think powering robots with money is stupid. Yes, everyone, including the robots themselves, think fueling them with money makes no sense.
There are two things that make this better. One: It's the Scout-bots that suggest to Gray Mann to make robots that don't run on money. And two: The look that Gray gives them after they suggest it. It just screams uncomprehension, like a robot that doesn't run on money makes no sense to him. Well he is Redmond and Blutarch's brother after all.
Later on (after admitting defeat), he decides to vent his anger by destroying Gray's robots... Unfortunately, Olivia switches them into non-violent mode. Turns out that Hale will only fight something that can retaliate, because he gives that "fight" up in seconds.
The blurb promises that someone will die. It's Tom Jones.
Push a corpse-filled cart through a magic-blasted, skeleton-infested terrorscape to reach the infernal maw of a gaping Hellmouth in this Halloween-themed Payload Race of utter pants-filling terror! Just to be clear: You will poop your pants. Also, the police just called: They wanted us to tell you that the smell you phoned them about is coming from inside your pants! GET OUT OF THE PANTS! But it was too late. The End. Of that scary Halloween classic!
The trailer for Day Two the Tale of Two Cities update shows everyone cowering from a barrage of missiles. The dust clears and everyone's fine, but while the others were covering their heads, Soldier was covering his privates.
Medic's first reaction after successfully deflecting the missiles with his new shield? Turning on his heel, clicking it, straightening his back, and posing with his chin up in the air. He then immediately turns to his left and grins at Heavy, who grins back and appears to be impressed.
Spy: So...we weren't on trial for all the property damage and murders we've actually committed.
After the trial is dismissed, everyone goes to the library:
Guiseppe/Trevor: I'm going to learn about Italy!
Mayor Mike: I'm going to learn about mayoring!
Old Woman: I'm going to learn what a pedophile is!
Even better, since Makani works off a loose script, she didn't know that last line was going to be in there.
Miss Pauling reveals that the whole town is a bunch of idiots due to Sawmill's water being poisoned with lead...
Miss Pauling: That's why we've been giving you guys bottled water.
Soldier: [tilts head] Bottled what now?
Spy, in an act of sympathy, helps Scout get to his bank vault in Teufort only to learn that Scout put all his money in Tom Jones memorabilia, planning to sell it for big money when he dies. You can just hear the shift in Spy's tone when he learns this.
Spy: I admit it... I'm impressed, Scout. At least you've been saving your money. Let's grab the largest denominations. We can launder it at where is the money? Scout: You're lookin' at it! I invested every last dime on twelve cubic yards of Tom Jones memorabilia! This stuff is gonna be worth a fortune when he dies! Spy: He's not going to die, you imbecile! He's in his twenties! He's the most virile man on the planet! He has no enemies! The man is virtually immortal! Scout: I'm playin' the long game, Spy. It's a get-rich-slow scheme.
... of course... Scout might've made a good call, with Spy being proven wrong nearly 6 months later (chronologically).
This. Some genius user modded one of the unnecessary achievement maps to have a GIANT CAT emerge from the ground SCREAMING and attack all players on the field with LASERS and BEES. The cat has, to date, proven to be invincible, as the link also shows a barrage of rockets did nothing but leave burn marks. Maybe doubles as a Moment Of Awesome.
For people who are confused about the Most Epic Fail: A BLU Soldier finds a RED dispenser and for whatever reason, decides to do his "suicide taunt" (detonating a grenade in his hand, which normally kills him and anyone right next to him) to destroy it. The epic fail comes when a RED Engineer packs the dispenser up and runs like heck away from the Soldier, leaving him to pointlessly blow himself up.
"Every Class Is Different", a children's picture book narrated by the Spy. Made even funnier once you realize that this is a reference to a certain Strong Bad E-Mail in which Strong Bad does the same thing.
TF2 Sniper Stomper: STAR_ gets really annoyed with just how many Snipers the opposing team has on Hightower and decides to kill them, repeatedly, in the silliest way possible. The ridiculous commentary and text-messages are what make it gold.
He later made a video on the 10X mod, which multiplies every weapon's stats by 10, which brings some ridiculous effects along with the same ridiculous commentary.
"THIS IS AN AIRSTRIKE."
"I'm dead! It's cool. I got killed by a waffle. Stay safe, kids."
"Monoculus!" (proceeds to miss thirty Beggar's Bazooka rockets) "I missed you!"
"You get close to me, then I could do things! Otherwise, I'm just a foot."
"The fish always wins! Because sal-mon are deadly."
"Oh those invisible sentries. Those frickin' invisible sentries, 10 times more invisible."
A video showcasing his misadventures on some rather... ''odd'' servers, which include such gems as controlling a sentry, failing at parkour, not understanding "fun" servers... and a run-in with Fluttershy. And more of the hilarious lines by him.
"(controlling a level 3 sentry) Who would think this was ever a good idea?!"
"Watch this out, I've been practicing some of my minisentry DM, you can't hit me, I've got perfect aim, I'm dodgin', ain't nobody got nothin' on my minisentry." ('SKILLZ' appears)
"Guys where do I go guys guys what am I doing guys- (Slenderman appears) GUYS I'M SCARED HE GOT ME!"
STAR_ ruining Jerma's "fun moment" with a Spy by killing him.
STAR_ once again killing Jerma with the Huntsman taunt, this time DURING HUMILIATION. Jerma's gasp of disbelief just makes it gold, especially since he was so cocky about 2 seconds beforehand at STAR_'s apparent incapacitation.
While the sexual_class.filetype videos typically rely on Vulgar Humor or Surreal Humor, sometimes the audio splicing manages to be funny while avoiding vulgarity and still making sense. Here's a few highlights:
Also from Pyro in Shellnut, Pyro interrupts an enemy Medic's ubercharge with an airblast, and Medic falls off a cliff screaming in slow-motion while sad music plays. Pyro then ignites the enemy Heavy, but Heavy punches Pyro, and Pyro falls off the cliff screaming in slow-motion while sad music plays. Heavy tries to extinguish himself by dropping and picking up a sandvich, but since Valve patched that exploit, it doesn't work, and Heavy falls off the cliff screaming in slow-motion while sad music plays.
From Medic in Shellnut:
Sniper: AWFUOGFIEEJSRUOAJORI THE QUEEN!
Achievement Unlocked: Awfuogfieejsruoajori the queen
A billion years from now, when the human race is gone, a budding alien species will travel the stars in search of life, knowledge, the answers to the universe. Our ruins will not be planet-bound, but space-bound. In the midst of nothingness, a space-station will remain, the only piece of our race that hadnít decayed in the aeons that had passed. A gold-mine of answers lie in wait for this curious alien race, that perhaps at one time, they shared the universe with intelligent life.
And among the bones of our long lost race, they will find this. A single artifact among the dust and decay of the quiet station. From the bones of our former race, this will be the one piece they will recover, the one unscathed artifact remaining from what was once the greatest interstellar empire in all the universe.
The explorers who found the artifact will bring it back to their home planet, in awe of this holy relic, and will insist that it be broadcast to their whole species. And their entire civilization will stand, teary-eyed, and salute the human race in silence. A race they never knew, but that had left behind the greatest legacy any creature could ever dream of.
"What do you think they were like?" a child will ask his mother.
"If they were anything like this artifactÖ They were no less than gods."
"Do you think they made us?"
"If they could make something like this, perhaps they crafted the very universe itself.
Every class has a large number of lines that they say when dominating an opponent. A lot of them are contenders for a CMOF:
The Demoman, on the Heavy: Oh... there's a new angel in heaven... IN HELL!
The Soldier: If God had wanted you to live, he would not have created me!
The Soldier, on the Demoman: Scotland is not a real country! You are an Englishman with a dress!
The Spy, on the Scout: Here lies Scout—he ran fast and died a virgin.
The Heavy: You are dead. Not big surprise.
The Medic (after killing more than 3 enemies in less than 20 seconds): Oops! Zat vas not medicine!
The Medic: Vould you like a second opinion? You are also ugly!
The Sniper (dominating Heavy): I just bagged the world's fattest man!
The Spy, on the Engineer: Giddy up now... TO HELL!
The Spy, on the Sniper: *Mocking laughter* You live in a van!*More mocking laughter*
Any time you taunt as a Heavy with the Sandvich, especially when he starts to sing.
Saaaandvich and me going to BEAT YOUR ASS!
Vhat vas that, Sandvich? Kill zem all? GOOD IDEA! BAHAHAHAHA!
Bologna is perfect fuel for KILLING TINY COWARDS!
The cartoonish style of the game means that sometimes you die in such hilarious ways it's impossible to stay mad.
Especially when you are gibbed, and the game gleefully points out your body parts. "Your foot!" "Your head!" "Your pancreas!"
If you get gibbed particularly badly, either by getting hit with a critical rocket or running into a sticky grenade trap, the game itself will give up on trying to identify your body parts and just slap "A bit of you!" and "Another bit of you!" on the chunky red paste that used to be your body.
A Demoman equipped with the Scottish Resistance taunts by wriggling his butt at you, accompanied by the sound of squeaking.
Sometimes just the various wacky hijinks that players perform.
Getting an entire team to go Spycrab. It has happened, and the results were hilarious, if a bit messy.
The developers put doves into the game on pretty much all the official maps before the release of The Uber Update. For God knows what reason, they exploded when so much as tapped.
It was removed in an age-old update, but being telefragged lead to the most hilariously sad killcam in the game.
You have been killed by the Teleporter Exit of Chucklenuts
Some of the achievement names are hilarious puns. For example, the Pyro's achievements: Dance Dance Immolation: Kill 3 taunting enemies. and OMGWTFBBQ: Kill an enemy with your Hadouken taunt. And that's exactly what you'll say if you're unaware that certain taunts like these can One-Hit Kill.
A new item available for the game is a High Five taunt. This allows two players to high-five each other, with varying responses if completed or left hanging. The Pyro's 'happy' response to a completed high-five is so hilariously childish in its glee that it's hard not to laugh.
The Ullapool Caber, a German WWII-era style grenade, that explodes immediately upon hitting a hard surface. So how does the Demoman use it? As a melee weapon, that's how! Made funnier by its description: "A sober person would throw it..."
The descriptions for some of the game modes can be this.
Capture the Flag: And by flag we mean a glowing briefcase. Sawmill blurb: ... These lead to a flooded underground stronghold that holds the enemyís top secret intelligenceóa flag made entirely out of microfilm. Or possibly nylon. Either way, yoink!
The Pyromania update can be described as "RAINBOWS EVERYWHERE!"
Taken Up to Eleven by the Pyrovision Goggles. You too can brutally slaughter squeaky-voiced opponents in a magical land of cake and lollipops.
The squeaky voice clips deserve a special mention. Everyone sounds just plain bizarre. The Scout sounds like an actual chipmunk, the Engineer's weird wheezing laugh sounds even funnier, and since the Heavy's voice was so deep in the first place he doesn't sound squeaky quite so much as he sounds like a woman with a sore throat.
Not to mention the changed voiceclips. Yells of pain are replaced with elated laughter, and players set on fire will actually celebrate their plight. "I AM VERY HAPPY!" indeed.
The Domination notifications. "IS DOMINATING" is changed to "IS BEST FRIENDS WITH", and "GOT REVENGE ON" is changed to "BROKE UP WITH".
The Balloonicorn's item description. Hey, it's a pink inflatable unicorn that floats alongside you! That's pretty innocent, right? Well, the Balloonicorn isn't what he seems...
Oh my goodness! Is it Balloonicorn? The Mayor of Pyroland? Don't be ridiculous, we're talking about an inflatable unicorn. He's the Municipal Ombudsman. Between you and me, Balloonicorn's a joke down at City Hall. Gary Brottman, the inflatable Sewer Superintendent, is sleeping with Balloonicorn's wife. Anyway, when he's riding around on your shoulder don't mention ANY of this to him, because Balloonicorn is on a hair trigger and he's usually pretty drunk.
Valve's product description for the real-life version also deserves mention:
Liked Balloonicorn so much in the Pyromania Update that you'd like to take him home with you? Because Balloonicorn could really use a place to crash at for a bit (one, two weeks max), he's going through a bit of a rough patch right now. Also, you totally won't even know he's there. Hey, look, also, could you pick Balloonicorn up some smokes on the way home? He's good for it, he's just waiting to get some money wired to him.
This little gem from the bulletin board on sd_doomsday: Attention: It is not a secret base if you keep telling people where it is.
The entire "Decoy" map - it's a ghost town which has been made into an incredibly crude mock-up of a Mann Co. base, with the Soldier's crudely-lettered signs declaring things such as "RESEARCH FACILITY FOR ANTI-ROBOT WEPPONS" and "HALE RESIDENCE." And it works, somehow baiting the robots into attacking.
Team Fortress 2's disguise mechanics for spies means that they appear to be genuine members of the other team to your enemies. To pull off a more convincing Spy disguise, the disguise will in turn wear the cardboard cutout mask of a disguise. This means you could choose to play a BLU Spy, disguised as a RED Spy, disguised as a member of BLU team. Because of the 'fake' disguise (that is, the false paper mask RED team sees on 'their' Spy in this case) is chosen, it is possible for a BLU Spy be disguised as a RED Spy disguised as a BLU Spy. If this happens while you're the only Spy on your side, you have essentially ended up wearing a disguise of yourself to fool the enemy team, and it's as hilarious, Mind Screw-y, and absurd as it sounds.
Heavy: Heavy is Anastasia, Russian princess... IS SERIOUS, HISTORICAL COSTUME!
Heavy: RUSSIAN TOOTH FAIRY HAS COME FOR ALL YOUR TEETH!
Heavy: Brush Heavy's hair...BRUSH IT!
When fighting Merasmus you'll occasionally get help from the Bombinomicon, who turns your head into a bomb that can damage Merasmus and turn you invincible and crit-boosted. Also the Bombinomicon has a high-pitched voice and a Spanish accent.
Bombinomicon: Pow! Zoop! Bomb head for you.
Soldier and Merasmus' insistence that the other is a terrible person. Usually while dying.
Soldier: (Falling into a giant pit) Damn you Merasmus! You are the wooorst roommaaaaaate!
Merasmus: (Dying again) I DIE! SOLDIER! YOU ARE THE WORST... ROOOOOMMAAAAAAAAAATE!
Can we just give credit to Merasmus in general?
Merasmus: EVERYTHING'S coming up Merasmus!
Merasmus: Behold! The terror of READING!
Merasmus: And though you fight to stay alive, your body starts to spasmus. For no mere mortal can resist, the magic of...MERASMUS!
Merasmus: You. Are. GODS! I don't know why I put that on the wheel...
Merasmus: You. Are. GODS! I... meant to do that. It will go badly for you. You watch.
Merasmus: You. Are. GODS! ...Wait, no no no no no!
Merasmus: Everybody's invincible! Muhahaha! Fools! Ahaha, eheh... hold on.
Merasmus: Poop! Poop in your PUMPKIN PANTS!
Merasmus: I die! I CURSE THIS LAND FOR A HUNDRED YEARS! No! A thousand! A thousanOHHHHHHHHH I DIEEEEEEEE!
Merasmus: Gravity displeases me, SO I REMOVED IT! ...most of it!
Merasmus: You may have bested my magic, but can you withstand the dark power... OF HIDING!?
Merasmus: I am hiding! But as what? A pumpkin? A brick? Perhaps a harmless oil drum! Or a brick?!
Merasmus: If you don't find me soon, I'll get so strong I might die of strength! AH HA HA HA! THAT'S A REAL THING!
Merasmus: Fools. They have no idea how strong I'm getting. Or how loud I'm talking.
Merasmus: [spinning the Wheel of Fate]THE WHEEL! Come on, wheel. Merasmus needs this.
Merasmus: I am healing myself with healing magic! ...And aspirin.
Merasmus: Hmhmwuhahahaha! GOODBYE! FOREVER! ... I'll see you at home, Soldier.
Merasmus: Feel the tiny eldritch terror of an itty...bitty...head!
Merasmus: AAAAAAHHH-I did not think this through.
Merasmus: BIG HEADS! THE HORROR! THE HORROR!
In a "Special Delivery" match, if you manage to get the Australium all the way up the elevator and launch the rocket, it starts to take off... then promptly crashes and explodes. One of the Administrator's potential reactions is priceless:
Wheatley has some funny clips as the new Ap-Sap weapon for the Spy:
Computers? Hacked those. Mainframes? Hacked as well. Um...regular frames. All your different kind of frames. Look at the pair of us, sneaking around. Like a couple of ne'er-do-wells. Oh! There you are! Quick picture. That's lovely, very inspirational. Brave! *singing* Hacking, hacking! Harmless hacking! Not in danger! *singing* Hacking, hacking! Doing a bit of harmless hacking! Not in danger! Oh, wait! No, I've got it! I've— *buzz* No, that won't work. Wait! Oh, I'm a genius! I'm an absolute g— *buzz* No, I'm not. Yes! Yes!! In your face! Aw, bless your little heart! Believe in yourself! Shoot for the stars! Why not? You can be anything you want to be! Oh, just—make sure you keep a tight grip on me. If you would. Poor, fragile little Wheatley. Easily breakable. If you're alive, can you say something? Jump around, so I know you're okay! Unless you've broken your legs, in which case, don't jump around - that'll just make it worse! Oh, not the pocket! Oh my God, they're shooting at us! They're shooting at us! Don't panic, but they are shooting at us!
The Scream Fortress 2013 event features a Halloween-themed Hightower map where in place of the bombs are Redmond and Blutarch's graves, with both of them demanding the teams to send the other brother to Hell while they trade insults with one another.
Blutarch: Dear Lord, this is Blutarch Mann speaking!
Redmond: And Redmond!
Blutarch: Shut up Redmond, I'm praying! Lord, please send my brother to Hell, Amen.
Redmond: Lord, wait! Whatever he's praying to you for, I'll double it!
Redmond: *Cackling* I win at praying brother!
Blutarch: Yes, pushing! I am a tactical genius!
Redmond: What? I invented pushing years ago!
Blutarch: The only thing you invented is losing to me right now!
Redmond: What? Noooo!
Redmond: "Blutarch, we're family. Tell you what, on the count of three, let's both apologize and go to heaven. One, two, three. I'm-"
Blutarch: Redmond, it's Blutarch! This is a "knock, knock" joke. OPEN THIS DOOR AT ONCE!
Redmond: No, thank you.
Blutarch: Redmond, I assure you I'll make it worth your while.
Blutarch: Knock, knock!
Redmond: Who is it?
Blutarch: It's your brother, Blutarch. Now, for God's sake, let me in! Someone's trying to send me to Hell!
Redmond: I'm trying to send you to Hell! [Evil Laugh]
Blutarch: Good lord! That changes everything! I'll finish the joke later!
Blutarch/Redmond: Yes! YES! Send my brother to Hell!
Redmond/Blutarch: Wait, what was that?
Blutarch/Redmond: I'm not talking to you, [Redmond/Blutarch]! I'm talking to the mercs!
Redmond/Blutarch: My mercs? Don't you dare! They've got a job!
Blutarch/Redmond: Come, brother. What could they possibly be doing?
Redmond/Blutarch: Sending you to Hell, [Blutarch/Redmond]!
Blutarch/Redmond: What? [RED/BLU] Team! Stop what you're doing!
Redmond/Blutarch: Belay that order, [RED/BLU] Team!
Blutarch/Redmond: You there! [RED/BLU] Team! I'll double what my ratstink brother is paying you!
Redmond/Blutarch: [Blutarch/You imbecile]! This is what I'm paying them!
Blutarch/Redmond: Agh! Never mind!
The same update also added plenty of bird heads for everyone. As in "replacing their heads with those of giant birds". The lines that got added for these are even better:
Heavy:I LIVE! With grotesque bird-head, is horrible!
Heavy: Now bird heavy will vomit worms down your throat!
Heavy: As promised, Heavy will now lay egg in your mouth.
Sniper: You and I are a lot alike, mate. Except I'm an owl, and you're dead!
Sniper: Hoot! HOOOOOT!
Medic: I have a bird-head, you're dominated! We're both having a bad day...
Medic: I AM ARCHIMEDEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEES!
Soldier: Dominated, candypants! This is Soldier, by the way, I have an eagle head right now.
Soldier: Screamin' eagle! AAAAAARGH!
Soldier: (on fire) Argh! Brauk! My head smells delicious!
Sometimes, when picking up a rare spell:
Soldier: I am having a heart attack!
Merasmus returns for Eternaween, still hilariously hammy as ever.
Merasmus: Welcome to T-G-I-Halloween, where it's always Halloween! I'm Merasmus, your server! We have a couple of lovely specials tonight: ONE OF THEM IS YOUR OWN DEATH! The other is loaded tuscan flatbread.
On mvm_manhattan, there's a deathtrap used to reset the bomb carrier back to start. Positioned right next to it is a Banana Peel. Walking over it pushes you directly into the trap, along with a "whoop!" sound effect.
Soldier, upon getting an Australium gun drop:
(awed whisper) This must be what the President feels like all the time.
While the Second Opinion is usually quite creepy, there are some golden lines.
Second Opinion: Kill them all.
Medic: Hm... Are you sure?
Second Opinion: Yes.
Medic: Well, I'm convinced!
The description of the Sniper's Sir Hootsalot (An owl on his shoulder)
If owls are so smart, why did this one let you glue it to your shoulder? Come to think of it, neither one of you is looking like a super-genius on this one.
The description of the Electric Escorter (a lightbulb in the Pyro's head)
"And it seems to me you lived your life/with a lightbulb in your head/wishing you had cleaned the hole/as the cephalic tetanus spreads" - Elton John, words by Bernie Taupin
You'll be batting a thousand (skulls in) when you don this red piece of plastic!
The description of the Spooky Shoes (socks with a skeleton design)
From Hell! Size 666! Outside of Hell, thatís a 5 1/2. Menís! Experience the agonizing terror of tiny man feet!
The description of the Soldier's Captain's Cocktails (two soup cans that replace the Soldier's grenades.)
Attention, tramps! Are you MAN enough to carry around cans full of expired soup? Are you CRAZY enough to pretend they're grenades? Are you HUNGRY enough to probably eat the soup later, when nobody's looking? We bet yes!
He likes cheap Bangkok prostitutes. He drives his van from Australia to Bangkok. He can fit 57 Bangkok prostitutes in his van. He thinks his teammates and Saxton Hale are crap and hates Bee Gees, coffee, sharks, asparagus, squids. His first three girlfriends were sheep. He shot his father in the leg on a fishing trip. Can produce 300-400 Jarate jars a day on the job.note And that's actually a low estimate; assuming the game mechanics represent ideal conditions, he can actually fill 1600 Jarates in an 8-hour work shift Has no clue what vegemite is. He hates people.