Team Fortress 2 is a war-themed hat simulator filled with over-the-top violence, parodies of 1960s national stereotypes, James Bond movies, and enough cosmetic items to make the Gravel Wars look more and more like a Mob War with incredibly well-dressed soldiers. The entire game (and it's fanbase) doesn't take itself too seriously, and neither should you. Expect this page to get bigger and bigger as time goes on.
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Meet The Team Videos
- "...Oh my God, who touched Sasha? ...Alright, WHO TOUCHED MY GUN!?"
- One of the most hilarious ones is the Meet the Sandvich video, in which our Heavy, after munching on a Sandvich beats the Scout and the Soldier offscreen, complete with such lines as "MY BLOOD! HE PUNCHED OUT ALL MY BLOOD!". The video is topped off with the Heavy watching the enemy team being decimated while happily chewing his Sandvich with a "Nom nom nom nom" sound.
The Soldier: You call that breaking my spine? You RED team ladies wouldn't know how to break a spine if you- (crrUNCH) OWW, MY SPINEEEEEEEEEEEE!!
- Even better, lines cut from said Meet the Sandvich video have surfaced. The Scout and the Soldier come up with some hilarious reactions to getting beat down by the Heavy...
The Scout: Gimme back my leg bone! (thwack) Hey! (thwack thwack) DON'T HIT ME WIT' IT!
The Scout: PAIN, PAIN PAIN PAIN PAIN PAIN! I REGRET EVERYTHING! I REGRET EVERYTHING I'VE EVER DONE!
The Soldier: Don't throw your life away, son! You only get one! Or...depending on your religious affiliation, several! Either way, it is a finite number, so think it through!
The Soldier: There is a checkbook in the left rear pocket of my fatigues; I will pay you all of my money to stop!
The Soldier: You do not frighten me! Pain does not hurt! (crrUNCH) I-i-i stand corrected! Aaaaaah!The Soldier: You can not hurt me! I do not have time to bleed! (squishCRUNCH) M-m-my schedule has just opened up! OWWWOOOH MY GOD!The Scout: He's-he's like a bear! He's like a big, shaved bear that hates people!
- Even better, lines cut from said Meet the Sandvich video have surfaced. The Scout and the Soldier come up with some hilarious reactions to getting beat down by the Heavy...
- Excellent competition for the above is the Meet the Soldier video, where the Soldier delivers a bizarre, heavily non-sequitur-laden Rousing Speech with a little bit of Insane Troll Logic for flavor to the severed heads of the people he's just killed.
RED Soldier: Then, he used his fight money to buy two of every animal on earth, and then he herded them onto a boat, and then he beat the crap out of every single one!
- This is made even better by the fact that he's using a pair of grenades to act out the story, and when he gets to "beat the crap out of every single one," he proceeds to SLAM THEM TOGETHER repeatedly.
- A little bonus to that scene: if watched on YouTube, one can use the number keys to skip back to when the Heavy was exploded, making it look as though the Soldier whacked together his grenades one too many times and...
- Another moment is the realization that he was talking about Sun Tzu, hence: and from then on any time a bunch of animals get together in one place it's called a ZOO. ...Unless it's a FARM!
- And with YouTube's god-awfully comical subtitle transcriptions, "zoo" is translated as Israel.
- Even funnier: The French dub translated the final line as "Farms don't count!"
- This is made even better by the fact that he's using a pair of grenades to act out the story, and when he gets to "beat the crap out of every single one," he proceeds to SLAM THEM TOGETHER repeatedly.
- Meet the Sniper; apart from the dialogue, when the Sniper shoots at the Heavy on his list the bullet goes through the Heavy's head and hits a Demoman in his bottle, which (naturally) goes through his eye.
- The fact that the Sniper's only response to this was a very subdued "Oh...", almost indicating he genuinely wasn't expecting to see the Demoman and his primed grenades fall onto the barrels, added a certain charm, too.
- "...not a crazed gunman, dad, I'm an assassin... Well, the difference being one's a job and the other's mental sickness!"
- "I think his mate saw me. (narrowly dodges hail of incoming bullets) Yes. Yes, he did!"
- The Spy's video has a great one, where the characters discuss their base being infiltrated. When the Scout notices how much praise the BLU Spy is giving the RED one and the best part, the BLU Scout is the RED Spy:
BLU Scout: What're ya, the president of his fanclub?
BLU Spy: No. That would be your mother!
(whips out a file full of dirty pictures of the Scout's mom and RED Spy)
BLU Scout: *noises of horror*
BLU Spy: Indeed. And now he's here to *bleep* us! So listen up, boy, or pornography starring your mother will be the second worst thing that happens to you today.
BLU Spy: He could be any one of us. He could be in this very room! It could be you. It could be me! It could even b*BANG*BLU Scout: Whoa, whoa, whoooooa!BLU Soldier: What? It was obvious! (ejects empty shotgun shell) He's the RED Spy! Watch, he'll turn red any second now. (beat) (nudges corpse with shotgun barrel) Aaaaanny second now... see! Red! Oh wait, that's blood...
- The BLU Heavy's reaction after bursting into the locked intelligence room ready to kill the Spy, only to find the intel still there: "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAaaaalrightthen."
- When the BLU Soldier is trying to enter the access code on the door, he types in "1, 1, 1, uhhhhh... 1."
- Even better: notice how the "1" key is more worn and dirty than the other keys.
- Also, once the Soldier entered "1111", there was the sound of an airlock opening, implying that "1111" was indeed the correct password.
- When the Team Fortress 2 logo/group shot comes on near the end of the video, you can hear the Spy stabbing his victims in time to the music.
- The huge notice board at the beginning. Quite apart from having ALL 18 playable characters, there are phrases like "On Toilet", "Is Drunk", "Stole Car" "Needs A Ride", "Smells", "Found Dracula" and "Lost Dracula". And "Is Fired".
- These things would not be up there if they were not needed.
- From the Demoman's video: "Imma black Scottish cyclops! They got more *lengthy Sound-Effect Bleep* than they got the likes of me!"
- Someone found the Uncensored version in SFM. What was the full, uncensored sentence? "They got more feckin' sea monsters in the great Lochett Ness than they got the likes of me!"
- "Oh, they're going to have to glue you back together...IN HELL!"
- "So! T'all you fine dandies so proud, so cock-sure, prancin' aboot with your heads full of eyeballs!"
- From Meet the Medic:
Medic: (grabbing a new heart for the Heavy) Ahh, perfect.BLU Spy's Head: Kill me.Medic: Later.
- The fact that the Spy's head is still somehow smoking his cigarette makes it even funnier. And the Medic is kind enough to keep an ashtray next to him!
Heavy:..What happens now?Medic: Now...? Let's go practice medicine!
- The fact that the Medic conducts all of his surgery bare-handed, but he suits up in his lab coat and surgical gloves before he strides out onto the battlefield.
- There's also the end of the video. The Scout walks out of the operating room after having an UberCharged-heart operation with his chest glowing, and then...
Scout: Oh, MAN! You would not believe...how much this hurts! (chest pulsates, followed by a dove cooing from within his chest)(Cut to black.)Medic: Archimedes!?
- The previous scene with Archimedes is also hilarious — after the Medic irritably waves him away out of the Heavy's open chest wound, his issue with a dove being inside someone's chest is not the danger to the patient, but because "it's filthy in there!"
- When the Medic "operates":
Heavy: Should I be awake for this?Medic: Ha ha. Vell, no. But as long as you are, could you hold your ribcage open a bit?
- Then the Heavy pulls too hard and breaks a rib. The Medic tells him not to be a baby, that ribs grow back. Then he quietly confesses to one of his doves "No they don't!"
- The Scout's missing tooth growing back and gleaming when the Medic heals him.
- When out on the battlefield:
Heavy: Doctor! Are you sure this vill vork?
- Medic's Noodle Incident and the look on Heavy's face when he finds out Medic doesn't have a medical license anymore while he's operating on him.
- "So vhen zee patient voke up, his skeleton vas missing and zee doctor vas never heard from again! *Laughs* Anyway, that's how I lost my medical license."
- Heavy's various annoyed and worried expressions the whole time Medic is operating on him are pretty funny.
- A quick one, but the look on the Sniper and Engie's faces when they see the invulnerable Heavy go charging past. They clearly weren't expecting that.
- Even the outtakes of the video were hilarious. Special mention goes to Spy's accidental revival:
Spy: Kill me!Medic: WAAARGH! (shoots on reflex)Spy: Kill me!Medic: (continues shooting)Spy: KILL ME!Medic: (repeatedly shooting the Spy) I'M TRYING! BUT YOU'RE INVINCIBLE! Ah... (realization dawns, and with a smile, he shoots the Spy one last time) Oooh!Spy: (off camera, in pain) Mon Dieu!
- Later on, the Spy's head using his cigarette to try and reach for a bottle of pills.
- And later still, the Medic uses the Spy's head to hold bolts and a light bulb in the only way he can... while simultaneously evoking the infamous 'Gentlemen?' meme.
- This became doubly hilarious when Surgeon Simulator 2013 added Meet the Medic as a playable level.
- Meet the Pyro. The whole damn thing.
- Baby!Heavy. Words cannot describe it.
- "ENTIRE TEAM IS BABIES!"
- Baby!Soldier and Baby!Scout are very cute too.
- Can we take a moment to appreciate the Soundtrack Dissonance? The Pyro destroying an entire town, burning enemies to the ground while they scream in pain and terror – to the tune of "Do You Believe in Magic?".
- Until they come back from Pyro's fantasy land and you hear him/her ''whistling the tune as they walk through recently caused carnage''. "Do You Believe In Magic" has never sounded so ''creepy''...
- The Scout panicking that the Pyro might have heard him call the latter a freak, and then trying to hastily take off his mic.
- Pyro skipping. That is all.
- During the outro class portrait, in the third and fourth frame, the Engineer, who happens to stand next to the Pyro, has a worried facial expression. (Though the same Engineer apparently has no problems inviting the Pyro over to his house and reading Australian Christmas stories to him.)
- Scout running by while holding his wrist in pain, Sniper screaming like a girl as Pyro puts him out of his misery, and Soldier's gaping hole in his chest also deserve mention.
- Baby!Heavy. Words cannot describe it.
- Scout's video is pretty funny for a few reasons:
- In the other videos, the mercenaries are shown as fighting a large number of soldiers in order to show their skills, Scout tries to tell the viewer that he is the toughest mercenary of the bunch but he is depicted as struggling to fight a single Heavy while screaming.
- The whole fight with Heavy was actually unnecessary because Heavy was on a sandwich break when Scout attacked him. In the final fight scene, Heavy is actually more interested in his sandwich than Scout's attack as he is seen trying to grab it before the final blow.
- When Scout is giving a Badass Boast, it always cuts to him making his own sound effects as he hits Heavy with his bat.
- This exchange.
Soldier: Hello, Miss Pauling, we killed everybody and took a briefcase!Pauling: Not everybody, Soldier. You left seven witnesses, guys.[A hand slowly rises from the bottom of the screen, Miss Pauling casually shoots the person]Pauling: Six.
- The brief Freeze-Frame Bonus in the truck confirms, yes, even the code for that is 1111.
- Medic's attitude throughout the movie; he approaches new medical advances with a kind of wild-eyed excitement, emphasising his insanity.
Scout: What the hell is that?!Medic: ...Tumors!
- Heavy's reaction to the contaminated bread and the Medic's explanation. Specifically, this is all revealed while he was eating a sandwich. He hesitates when discovering that he's eating a sandwich full of tumor-riddled bread... and then continues eating anyway.
- When the mercenaries find out that bread gets tumors from teleportation, implying that they might die due to using teleportation themselves, the Soldier has something entirely different on his mind.
Argh! *grabs Scout and slams him against a table* We can not teleport bread anymore! *raises his fist as if to punch Scout*
- The Demoman appears from a teleporter — carrying a crate of beer, wearing a sombrero and martini-shades, and his grenades are replaced with beer bottles.
Demo: WOOOOO! Wooooooooooooooo!...Woo.Demo: What?
- You know how Teleports work, right? You have an entrance at one end, and an exit at the other... so either Engy or Demo (or both) had a teleport set up for the sole reason of going to the store to buy beer.
- Take a close look at the shot when Scout walks out of the van. Demo's in the background, and he has his normal playermodel instead of the one with the beer bottles on his chest. That implies that he went to the store, bought so much beer he needed a crate to hold all of it, and took a look at his bandolier and thought, "hey, I could use this to hold more beer", before proceeding to leave his grenades at the store just to carry six extra beer bottles.
- When the Spy collects the bucket filled with dying wishes, its content is actually crudely-drawn pictures created by the Scout. After the first one, they all consist of Spy in a romantic relationship with the Eiffel Tower. In order, they consist of a picture of Spy with stink lines getting splattered by a car, a picture of Spy having sex with the Eiffel Tower, the Eiffel Tower having sex with Spy, and a post-coital picture of Spy and the Eiffel Tower (except Spy is crying and the Eiffel Tower has stink lines now). Also, the Demoman's confused reaction to the Spy using the term "coitus".
Spy: I'm crying and the Eiffel Tower has stink lines coming off of it...did anyone besides Scout put a card into the bucket!?Scout: (already laughing so hard he can barely speak) Oh man, classic Scout...Spy: Fantastic. This was a huge waste of my time.Soldier: You did not read mine! (lifts up a card with "Soldier" written on the outside)Spy: *sigh* Does it say you want the buc-?Soldier: Yes!
- What's even better is the exchange that follows it.
Scout: Those are stink lines! (aside, to Heavy) That's why the car hit him, 'cause he smells...!
- Plus, when he goes through the whole Eiffel Tower joke, he has a somewhat amused look on his face. Could the Spy think that Scout's drawings were Actually Pretty Funny?
- At first, Spy doesn't know what the waves above his head in the picture mean.
- Pyro looks at a magazine called "Man Man". Pyro likes gay porn, which in the end does nothing for narrowing down the options because with it being Pyro, who knows what's being seen?
- "Oh, Scout! Please, go f**k yourself!"
- When the Soldier demonstrates... well, he demonstrates something, probably the inability to speak without hamming it up.
Spy: This... is a bucket.
Soldier: Dear God.
Spy: There's more.
- Scout's pickup lines.
Scout: We both got buckets of chicken. You wanna do it?Girl: Eh, okay.
- This conversation:
Spy: Seduce me.Scout: You?Spy: Seduce me.Scout: What? I aint' gonna-Spy: SEDUCE ME!
- The Scout's gentleman training montage. Highlights include him drawing pictures of the Spy being shot in the head in his notebook and Scout attempting to look fancier by extending his pinkie finger at dinner.... holding a piece of fried chicken.
- The final bit of Scout's dating training.
Spy: Final question: You have a dinner date for seven. What time do you arrive?Scout: Seven. AM. Case the restaurant, run background checks on the staff. Can the cook be trusted? If not, I gotta kill him, dispose of the body, replace him with my own guy, no later than 4:30.Spy: ...You're ready!Scout: Really!?Spy: No. Everything you just said was insane, and we are out of time. Congratulations! You're a failure.
- The Bread jumping at Engineer and them struggling with it.
- When Scout is trying to seduce Pauling.
Scout: You look, you look... ahhhh...Demo: Drunk!Soldier: Round! Soft! No, round!Demo: Blurry!
- Given without context, but:
Soldier: "I have done nothing but teleport bread FOR THREE DAYS!"
- "HAHAHAHA! I TELEPORTED BREAD!!!"
- During the bread monster rampage, Spy has one thing to say for Scout.
Spy: "I think it's going pretty well! *cue explosion in the distance* Now go!"
- Pyro is chasing down a mutated loaf of bread as a pet. Of course, we have no idea what it is s/he's seeing...
- The Medic shaking the bottle he put the self-aware bread in, and the delight in his voice when he exclaims, "Oh look! It hates me so much!"
Soldier: GOOD NEWS! WE ARE NOT DYING! WE ARE GOING TO LIVE FOREVER!Medic: I didn't say that! I just said we're not filled with tumors!
"End of the Line"
- In the beginning, the days since the last shipment is 73, and the seven is orientated to resemble a lambda sign. Half Life 3 Confirmed(?)
- The RED Pyro having a pool party. And according to the update page, it's filled with gasoline.
- The BLU Pyro decorating one of the trains with a painting of Pyroland.
- The BLU Pyro skips up towards Heavy and holds up a hand for a high-five, which goes unreturned.
- The Heavy and Medic playing chess, and the Medic's look when the Heavy knocks one of his [Medic] pieces out.
- To clarify, the Heavy takes the Medic's pawn with his King. This is his first move. He doesn't know how to play chess.
- Mann Co. building their explosives storage next to a kitten store. And an orphanage. And a kitten orphanage.
- Soldier's increasingly horrified face as he looks at all of these.
- BLU Pyro's train cabin, as it turns out, has been filled with rubber duckies.
- RED Scout is disarming the bomb and it asks him to press one of two "yes" buttons. He picks the green one. It works. Then he switches the light on and notices the dozen other bombs in the car.
- When trying to unlock the deactivation panel, he realizes he doesn't have the key. As he slumps down, dejected, he notices it underneath a nearby welcome mat that say "GO AWAY".
- One of the orphans, a young lame boy with crutches is smoking. As Soldier comes to inspect him, he hurriedly throws away his cigarette... and his cat's cigarette.
- RED Heavy and RED Medic resuming their chess game at the end. Heavy takes so long deciding a move, that Medic flips the board.
The Sound Of Medicine
- At the end, Medic tells everybody to get behind him. When the missiles hit the shield, we then see Pyro standing with his/her hands over his/her eyes in a terrified/cute kind of way, then s/he takes them off for a peek, sees all is well, and grabs his/her flamethrower.
- Look at Soldier when Medic's shield is revealed. The others are covering their faces. Soldier covered his crotch.
- Sniper and Scout, defence classes, pretty much strolling along behind as Heavy, Soldier, and Pyro carve the way forward.
- As the teams split up, Scout messages the other team via walkie talkie to see if they found anything yet. The other team has Pyro on communications duty. Scout is visibly annoyed.
- Scout muttering "Please let there be pants" over and over as he sees some bare legs standing in the middle of a blood covered floor. Thankfully, there are... in the form of short shorts.
- EVERYTHING SAXTON HALE does. In no particular order:
- He jumps through a wall, leaving an Australia-shaped hole!
- He punches the Yeti so hard it EXPLODES!
- He uses the Scout as a WEAPON! Fans of the tie-in comics might hear "SCOUT!" in their heads.
- He uses Scout as a springboard just to punch the Yeti, leading to the aforementioned explosion!
- After he kills the Yeti, Hale casually reveals that he has driven the species EXTINCT! And doesn't seem to want to acknowledge the fact that means he won't get another.
- Scout's reaction to pretty much everything Saxton does is one of sheer terror.
- Saxton Hale recounts everything others said to discourage him from building Yeti Park which amounted to how life will find a way and the creatures will eventually break free. Saxton laughs at such claims and declares "That's the bloody POINT!"
- The Spy runs away in the beginning and doesn't reappear until the action is over. It's not like he's going off to do anything brave either; he just runs away.
- Update Day Three has a picture of Pyro hugging Hale thank-you for the new weapons in a super-girly way. It helps that Pyro is significantly shorter than Hale. In the text, Valve once again dodges the question of whether Pyro is male or female.
Comics and Other Supplemental Material
- Saxton's form letter to an inventor, which can also be applied to business rivals who have committed Grand Theft Prototype:
- "[X]YOUR APPLICATION IS PENDING. [ ]I'M COMING FOR YOU, YOU SON OF A BITCH."
- "I look forward to [X]WORKING WITH YOU IN THE FUTURE [ ]PUMMELING YOU TO DEATH WITH MY BARE DAMN HANDS. [X]SINCERELY [ ]UP yours, Saxton Hale (Australian, President of Mann Co.)
- UNDERWATER HYPNOPEN Hypnotize sharks. Write on them. It works!
- The iBlewUpTheMoon.
Scout: "It looks like some kinda hospital for fruit!"Soldier: "Judases! I have used this Mann Co. shovel for twelve years! It does not blog! It does not biodegrade! It barely digs holes! But it is mine and AGGGGGH IT IS ON FIRE!"Saxton Hale: "I make square, unsafe products for men! Not white little egg things with no sharp edges and only one button! Look at this tiny thing! It's not on fire! How do you know it's even on?Soldier: "I will not! Keep pushing me, sister, and I will shove my carbon footprint so far up your IS THAT A PIG?"
- Heck, the entirety of that comic. There's far too many great lines in it to count. A sampling:
- All◊ five◊ of◊ the postcards starring the awesomeness that is SAXTON◊ HALE◊.
- The Heavy writes on the TF2 Blog: "Usually Soldier has baby job of talking to you through button board. He cannot come to blog today because he tells me he must accept highest honor US government can give: Jury Duty."
- Meet the Director.
- In short, pretty much anything to do with the Soldier and his collection of heads. His Big "NO!" upon thinking that they've been destroyed is hilarious.
- The Director's reaction to the Scout: "We ran out of film five hours ago. [...] We ran out of film five hours ago."
- The Scout trying to hit on Miss Pauling.
- Also, the Scout and Heavy talking about how Sasha has a bed right next to the Heavy.
Scout: That's your gun right there?Heavy: Yes.Scout: In a tiny bed. Beside YOUR bed.Heavy: Yes.Scout: That's pretty embarrassin'.Heavy: I know. I must buy Sasha bigger bed.
- Also from that scene: Heavy's skull-and-crossbone pattern pajamas.
- When the Director is interviewing Heavy, he talks about his tragic back story about how he escaped from a gulag, but Heavy insists on keeping it job-related in the most blunt, this-is-my-second-language way possible.
- Bonus points for him complementing his words with gestures. He thinks he's talking with an idiot after the Director missed his first clue that his past was off-limits.
- When the RED team talk about how they've been mailed different things, Soldier holds up a package and yells "This is nothing! Look what I got in the mail! I am also going to drop it on the floor like all of you did!" He drops the package, and we see that it's got a human head in it. Bonus points for the Spy and the Scout looking absolutely disgusted/horrified:
Spy: Whose...head is that?Soldier: MINE! The question is, where are the other seven?
- PACK UP THE TEA, BOYS! WE'RE JOINING THE SPACE MARINES!
- The entirety of the Manniversary update◊. Special mention goes to Spy's response to being Jarate'd for the third time:
"WHY DO YOU KEEP DOING THIS"
- Gabe Newell himself gets one when answering a fan's suggestion of not letting Robin Walker into the development team of Counter-Strike: Global Offensive:
- The Monoculus comic.
- The Soldier comes by with trick-or-treaters (that have apparently been on the lam with him for four days)
"I have children! Give us candy! It is the law!"
- The Spy doesn't have any candy, so he hands one of the kids a pack of cigarettes and a butterfly knife.
"There. Merry Christmas."
- The Heavy calls the kid presumptuous, lazy, and fat for expecting him to spend his hard-fought money on candy. When the kid cries, he takes back the fat comment, and quiets the kid by cutting out the middleman.
"Here. Here is seven thousand dollars."
- After being warned to "GAZE NOT UPON UPON [the] EVIL TOME" in the library while dusting, a young Demoman asks the wizard Merasmus which broom he's supposed to use to sweep.
"GAZE NOT UPON THE BROOM! And yes. That broom."
- When the young Demoman reads the book, it possesses his eye, and then starts gloating. Merasmus is mad not because it's going to cause horrible evil, but because it's going to keep gloating.
"Now he'll never shut up about it! I have to live with this book, you know!"
- Even funnier is the fact if you look in the background, you'll discover that the book was going to leave the Demoman's eye on its own accord, making the eye removal completely pointless.
- When the Demoman finishes his story, and talks about where the wizard is rumored to be, the Soldier then pipes up about him. Turns out the wizard is squatting at their Halloween party as they speak, complaining about the hummus they're serving.
Demoman: Good lord! After all these years, he's here?
Soldier: He's my roommate.
- In the final scene, Merasmus and the Soldier ignore the giant eye to attack each other.
Soldier: [strangling Merasmus] I am going to slap the magic out of your mouth!
Merasmus: [hitting the Soldier with his broken staff] I'm calling the police!
- The Soldier comes by with trick-or-treaters (that have apparently been on the lam with him for four days)
- A Smissmas Story
- For starters, Scout's ridiculous (even by the TF2 Universe's standards) explanation as to why they blew up a Mall Santa Training facility.
- The Soldier's reaction to the Scout outing him as the mastermind of the event.
Soldier: JUDAS! [strangling the Scout] I AM GOING TO KILL YOU BEFORE THEY GIVE ME THE CHAIR!Scout: You- are- the- worst- lawyer!
- The Spy calls Miss Pauling to bail them out.
Miss Pauling: First things first. How did Soldier become a public defender?Miss Pauling: You know what? Nevermind.
- Scout dividing the meet Santa line into "Single Moms" and "everybody Else" counts as well.
- Later on, while Soldier is fighting the kid's dad:
Miss Pauling: Just don't make it worse.Spy: Not a problem.Soldier: C'MERE, YOU...Spy: Everything seems normal so far.
- Soldier giving Little Jack what he needs:
Soldier: One: a sensible haircut. [gives Jack a crew cut] Two: I will give you the gift of manhood. You are going to watch...while Santa beats up your father in front of you.Little Jack: Yayyy?
- To be fair to Soldier here, Little Jack really needed that haircut. Bowl cuts *shudder*
- Old Nick's arrival is announced with a megaphone and one of his kangaroos/"reindeer" kicking the door.
- LOCAL HEROES KILL SANTA
- COMPOUND ELEVATED SKULL FRACTURE! (With a Saxton Hale figurine)
Soldier: THE POWER OF SMISSMAS COMPELS YOU!
- True Meaning
- The Engineer is reading a story about Australian Christmas, and how Old Nick got into a shootout with the Mafia. Who is he reading this to? The Pyro of course!
- A recurring patchnote when Valve updates is "Updated localization files." Fans tend to poke fun at this when TF2 mysteriously starts updating. Valve gave it a shot as well, submitting "Lokalisierungsdateien aktualisiert."note
- Day one of the Pyromania update and their opinion of the name of creators of "The Safety Dance".
- The TF2 team were actually pretty offended by the name. What was it? Men Without Hats.
- The Pyroland development post:
The remainder of the iteration cycle was spent on adding minor features and fixing various visual bugs (such as the entire world being rendered in Jarate at one point).
- The "Blood Brothers" comic, for all its seriousness, still has some funny moments. Particularly every time the Manns mention the pregnancy machine and gravel.
Blutarch: My one concern, brother...is it possible this plan is too perfect?Redmond: Difficult to say. Honestly, I can find no flaw.
- A Fate Worse Than Chess has so many hilarious ones..
Miss Pauling: For reasons I can neither comprehend or explain, the robots run on money. Destroy them, and whatever falls out is yours.
- For example, the intro starts with a rather bland and boring exposition with 2 bland and boring scientists, cue Saxton Hale LITERALLY BARGING THROUGH PAGE ITSELF to change it to that of an action movie, complete with A sword fight over a volcano while Pterodactyls fly over and around the 2 women fighting.
- For example, Miss Pauling explaining the situation to the mercs has some glorious snarking, whether she's rebuffing the Scout before he can even begin flirting or calmly dealing with Hale's antics. However, the best part it probably when she explains that the robots are basically a Money Spider horde.
- Some of the mercs' expressions. Stand outs are a completely disinterested Spy, and the expectant innocence on the Pyro's....er, mask.
- Later, the Spy looks less stoic when he sees the Soldier picking his nose.
- Some robotized versions of unused WAR! Update domination lines have been left in the game files. It seems the two have remained friends even though they were hired to kill each other.
Demoman: DOMINATED! But you're still me best mate. Heh.
Soldier: DOMINATED! I cherish these moments we spend together.
- This update hint is basically Rapid-Fire Comedy after the first article. Sections range from the Scout putting out a personal article, to Merasmus selling Soldier as a familiar, to someone directly asking the Soldier to eat weeks-old condiment packets.
Soldier: ...then I told the mighty ghost wizard, "Ha! I'd like to see you try!" And that is why he's killing all of us right now!Scout: I gotta admit, that does sort of explain everything.
- Later followed by Doom-mates, which brings us such things as Soldier becoming a park ranger and getting Merasmus' castle for himself using the aforementioned condiments, the wizard being a grade A Butt-Monkey, and the Kill Me Come Back Stronger pills.
- The comic's final panel; Soldier is talking to a stunned Scout and a less-than-amused Spy while all manner of carnage goes on outside.
- The URL for the update's main page is a strange string of syllables, either to keep with the update's general theme of sorcery, or to keep people from guessing the page name beforehand.
- This promo for the Second Annual Saxxy Awards. The Medic, Heavy, and Soldier film the Spy and BLU Scout's mom on a date. The Spy is NOT happy about this.
- How does he react after getting his Saxxy? By suggesting that they run & cloaking himself, leaving the trophy still visible. The people filming his date freak out & run away, even though they are on his team.
- From the 2012 Holidays comic, "Shadow Boxers": Soldier apparently believes MVM_Coaltown is located on the moon. He also thinks that his teammates are all American. Heavy and Medic play along:
Heavy: AMERICA IS THE PLACE I AM FROM. ALL THE TIME. two thumbs up, cheesy grin
Spy: Gentlemen, I've lost several liters of blood today. I will likely die defending a hat factory tomorrow. I'm going home.
- Spy's reaction to the Soldier's claims, including the aforementioned Moon one.
- Gray Mann, disappointed about his robots' stupidity.
Scout Robot: *beepboop* The humans were waiting for us at the last five attack sites, Master. Somehow they <italics on> knew. <italics off> *bopbeepboop* We would advise delaying the secret attack on the Mann Co. headquarters through the abandoned mine shaft.
Gray Mann: Mm. Would you. And — just so I'm clear — you suspect these security leaks are due to some heretofore unknown "tactical mastermind" in their ranks. ...And not, for instance, because you mention our secret attack plans at every opportunity.
Scout Robot: *baddaboop* Affirmative. We believe it is the same genius who masterminded the decoy base. *beep boop over here*
Gray Mann: Ah yes. The genius who built the decoy base. [newspaper shows the Soldier winning a nose-picking contest]
- The Soldier, Heavy and Miss Pauling go under cover as robots, wearing the Soldier's terrible Halloween costumes. And Grey Mann has just made a robot smart enough to see through the disguises.
Soldier: I'd hate to be those humans. (picks nose)
- This blog post. Apparently Linux (and penicillin) was invented when Linus Torvalds left a ham sandwich in his bathroom for two weeks. He later died of septic necrosis.
- "Death of a Salesbot", created alongside the Robotic Boogaloo update. It updates us on what's happened a year after the Mann Versus Machine war began, and... The Mercenaries have won so much, and made it so easy, they're downright swimming in cash and barely working at all. Contrast with the dramatic and almost grim beginning, now that a weird case of Reality Ensues has taken place and the Player Characters win EVERY SINGLE TIME... It becomes downright hilarious in hindsight.
Soldier: How dare they surrender like this? They think they can just offer themselves up to be slaughtered? I won't stand for this! Let's go slaughter every one of them!
- The robots' new plan to try to take down Mann Co.? Robotic knockoffs of the mercenaries' hats and miscellaneous items. Ok, it's a non-canon comic, but still, Hee. Lar. Ri. Oss.
- It's gotten to the point where the mercenaries are literally using their money as fuel for the fireplace and Soldier is eating it in a sandwich.
- Although given what Soldier is like normally, he would probably be making money sandwiches anyway.
- Even the robots think powering robots with money is stupid. Yes, everyone, including the robots themselves, think fueling them with money makes no sense.
- There are two things that make this better. One: It's the Scout-bots that suggest to Gray Mann to make robots that don't run on money. And two: The look that Gray gives them after they suggest it. It just screams uncomprehension, like a robot that doesn't run on money makes no sense to him. Well he is Redmond and Blutarch's brother after all.
- This line:
- Ring of Fired may have been a bit of a Wham Episode but it is also one of the funniest comics.
Soldier: TO YOUR LEFT IS WHERE DICK VAN DYKE HELD HIS GUTS IN HIS HANDS AFTER TAKING A MUSKET SHOT FROM AVA AND ZSA ZSA GABOR! SEE THOSE SUBMERGED LOGS OVER THERE?! THAT IS THE BEATLES! DO NOT STOP RUNNING!
- The cover is a homage to the famous "Costume in a Trash Can" of Spider-Man fame, with a nude Saxton Hale.
- Saxton Hale has been told he can't jump out the plane to enter his office anymore, so he sabotages the plane's engine so he'll have to. All the while carrying a screaming pilot.
- The text as he jumps out of the plane:
- When Gray Mann enters the room, Saxton Hales Gives a YOU!!! Exclamation... then has to ask Bidwell who the hell it is.
- Gray puts his hands on Saxton's desk... only to find out too late that it doubles as ''a grill''.
- The person Gray challenges Hale to fight is... his daughter Olivia. Although Olivia is more than willing to fight Saxton freaking HALE in a Good Old Fisticuffs duel, her hilariously pathetic fighting proves she is the furthest thing from a Little Miss Badass, and she only "wins" because Saxton Hale gives up the fight after a while because he can't bring himself to fight a young girl who can't even make him flinch.
- Later on (after admitting defeat), he decides to vent his anger by destroying Gray's robots... Unfortunately, Olivia switches them into non-violent mode. Turns out that Hale will only fight something that can retaliate, because he gives that "fight" up in seconds.
- The blurb promises that someone will die. It's Tom Jones.
- Before Miss Pauling sets about getting the team back together, Soldier moonlights as a celebrity tour guide for a group of old women...which consists of forcing them to run around various rich neighborhoods as he shares his questionable grasp of pop culture trivia.
Soldier: Miss Pauling, Pyro cut off my hand!
- Later, the Pyro's newspaper headline reads "Beatles still missing. Last seen near pond."
- Demoman and Miss Pauling do the driving while Soldier and Pyro behave like children...
Miss Pauling: Pyro, don't cut off Soldier's hands...
Announcer: Stay tuned for more "Ghost D.A!"Eyelander: Ugh. 'The Defense Rests?' HE'S THE F***G PROSECUTION! Ghost D.A! 'District Attorney!' It's in the title of the f***g show!Demoman: *Slurred* If Ghost D.A was a Demolitions Expert, they'd have already replaced him with a bloody robot.Eyelander: And what's with that "doodly doodle doot" noise? I'm a ghost sword! Have I ever made a f***g noise when I disappear? I swear, sometimes I think this show isn't even written by ghosts.*Knocking sounds*Demoman: *Slurred* I'd like to see a bloody robot defend a bloody cap point for-Eyelander: It's been six months, man. Let it go.*Knocking sounds intensify*Eyelander: Do you still hear a gavel banging?
- Who is Tom Jones' roommate? Merasmus. Soldier just doesn't know when to quit around him, does he?
- What The Pyro's been doing and how they convince him to come along.
- Ever since he got fired, the Demoman's been lazing about on his couch binge-watching TV dramas with the Eyelander, which can now say something besides "heads". And probably in the same creepy voice it uses in game.
- Even in death, the Redmond and Blutarch rivalry continues. Only now, for the first time in over a century, they're in close enough proximity to engage each other in a slapping match while arguing over who died first.
- The ghosts of Redmond and Blutarch then go to Castle Merasmus, where Soldier tells them that the wizard doesn't live there anymore. That's okay, because they weren't looking for Merasmus. They were looking for Soldier because he's a lawyer.
- Merasmus starts this comic, stirring something with his staff and talking about being a captive of the crypt, implying he's dead. Then it zooms out and it reveals he's stirring wine, in a prison toilet.
- The Overly Long Gag involving pants on the Scream Fortress 2013 update page:
Push a corpse-filled cart through a magic-blasted, skeleton-infested terrorscape to reach the infernal maw of a gaping Hellmouth in this Halloween-themed Payload Race of utter pants-filling terror! Just to be clear: You will poop your pants. Also, the police just called: They wanted us to tell you that the smell you phoned them about is coming from inside your pants! GET OUT OF THE PANTS! But it was too late. The End. Of that scary Halloween classic!
- The trailer for Day Two the Tale of Two Cities update shows everyone cowering from a barrage of missiles. The dust clears and everyone's fine, but while the others were covering their heads, Soldier was covering his privates.
- Medic's first reaction after successfully deflecting the missiles with his new shield? Turning on his heel, clicking it, straightening his back, and posing with his chin up in the air. He then immediately turns to his left and grins at Heavy, who grins back and appears to be impressed.
- "Unhappy Returns":
Spy: Mike... I'm going to kill you and anyone else who participates in this preposterous show trial.Scout: Me too!Spy: Yes, I may kill Scout in the confusion as well.
- The "lawbooks" Scout is studying. The young readers edition of "Ghost. D.A.: The Collected Television Scripts".
- The mayor's poster, complete with hilariously inappropriate stickers and a pic of Spy shanking an inmate with a sharpened toothbrush. Combined.
- These lines from Spy, especially how calm he is when saying them:
Demoman: Bloody hell...Soldier: Dear God, what do you see?Demoman: Not a damn thing. Let's switch places.
- Demoman hiding behind a building, peeking out and expecting to see something when ''he's peeking out of the same side he's blind in''.
Scout: But then we killed Santa Claus and they let us go.
- Scout recounting "A Smissmas Story", which sounds like utter nonsense out of context. Especially the last line.
Soldier: (strangling Scout) Tell them I am your lawyer! Say it, maggot!Scout: I... want... the... lamp...Spy: So...we weren't on trial for all the property damage and murders we've actually committed.
- The Scout mentions that he once had a lamp for a lawyer. A few pages later, the Soldier bursts in and demands to serve as Scout's lawyer.
Miss Pauling: That's why we've been giving you guys bottled water.Soldier: [tilts head] Bottled what now?
- After the trial is dismissed, everyone goes to the library:
Guiseppe/Trevor: I'm going to learn about Italy!Mayor Mike: I'm going to learn about mayoring!Old Woman: I'm going to learn what a pedophile is!
- Even better, since Makani works off a loose script, she didn't know that last line was going to be in there.
- Miss Pauling reveals that the whole town is a bunch of idiots due to Sawmill's water being poisoned with lead...
Soldier: OLD WOMAN! YOU WILL TELL ME WHERE THE COURTHOUSE OR I WILL BREAK MY FOOT OFF IN YOUR WITHERED OLD-Demoman: Bloody hell! *Stops Soldier* Hello, Ma'am.
- Spy, in an act of sympathy, helps Scout get to his bank vault in Teufort only to learn that Scout put all his money in Tom Jones memorabilia, planning to sell it for big money when he dies. You can just hear the shift in Spy's tone when he learns this.
Spy: I admit it... I'm impressed, Scout. At least you've been saving your money. Let's grab the largest denominations. We can launder it at where is the money?
Scout: You're lookin' at it! I invested every last dime on twelve cubic yards of Tom Jones memorabilia! This stuff is gonna be worth a fortune when he dies!
Spy: He's not going to die, you imbecile! He's in his twenties! He's the most virile man on the planet! He has no enemies! The man is virtually immortal!
Scout: I'm playin' the long game, Spy. It's a get-rich-slow scheme.
- ...of course, Scout might've made a good call, with Spy being proven wrong nearly 6 months later (chronologically).
- And of course, Soldier showing that he's great with old ladies.
- "A Cold Day in Hell":
Soldier: There are only two things that attract bears: honey...and menstruating women! My God, I knew it! Somehow, I always knew! PYRO! Stop blocking the door! Good Lord, the plane is filled with honey! Amelia Earhart's famous sweet tooth has doomed us all!
- Okay, let's just get this out of the way: NAKED. HONEY COVERED. SOLDIER.
- Worse/better? This has happened enough to get its own comic series... of which there are thirty seven issues. One was when Scout was on a double date.
- Scout's face. You can tell he regrets witnessing this.
- And when Soldier was hallucinating the wildlife, his hands, and the Scout as food. Even funnier in the fact that the Scout is wearing a hot dog costume, which was found in the plane of Amelia Earhart.
Medic: Oh, come now. It's perfectly safe. I put three in Greg. You don't hear him complaining.Greg: You said you were filling a cavity!Medic: I was! The one I made in your abdomen.
- When the bear seems to have knocked off Scout's skull, it just turns out that Amelia's bones were inside it.
- Pyro meets Smokey Bear in Pyroland, and what follows shows that Pyro might be more aware of his actions than we thought.
- The Scout has a nightmare that the Spy is his Dad.
- Who are the mercenaries that Grey Mann hired to take down the Administrator? The Team Fortress Classic team! And who joins them? The Team Fortress 2 Medic, replacing the TFC Medic! And he's also implanted baboon uteri in some of the team.
Ms. Pauling: You got THAT right! But you know what book-smart ladies like me find sexier than anything? Waitin' patiently for me to change my mind!Scout: Yeah! The waitin' game! Works every time! Eventually!
- From the opening scene, Soldier's batshit insane paranoia of wearing a 'Soviet coat' and how he doesn't want the little old Siberian lady reverse engineering American coat technology. On a coat that isn't even American... Specifically, the coat is a Mann Co coat, falls apart at the drop of a hat, is made in China (which is also communist and was violently communist during the 1960s-70s), and Mann Co is an Australian company.
- Even more hilarious? She offered him the coats so he won't die. He refuses to take them anyway.
- Said coat she offered had Sears on it. He refused to wear it because he read the first letter and assumed that the rest of the word was either "Stalin" or "Soviet."
- "Son, I offered your friend soup and he's been screaming for five minutes..."
- When Soldier finally gives in and eats the soup, the ghosts of Benedict Arnold and the big hot dog high-five each other while George Washington looks on in disdain.
- "Soldier, put pants on." The way Heavy casually says it makes it funnier.
- Heavy's sisters come home, ready to fangirl over their brothers colleagues... and then they find themselves less than impressed to see Scout, Soldier (wearing a dress) and Pyro (busily setting things on fire).
- For bonus points? The mercs they're fantasizing about are Sniper and Spy - not only the classes most often given the Draco in Leather Pants' treatment in fanfics, but also one of the most prominent Slash Fic couples. Is this Valve's way of giving a Fandom Nod to the Yaoi Fangirl demographic of their fanbase?
- Likewise, there's the scene where Heavy's sister Zhanna is "tending" to Scout, and bluntly tells him "Today, we make sex" when he wakes up. Only for Scout to see a hallucination of Ms. Pauling, asking Scout if he forgot about her. When Scout points out Ms. Pauling wasn't even dating him, despite knowing each other for six years, Hallucination!Pauling says this:
- The very first words out of Saxton Hale's mouth:
Mayor Mike: Hello! Can I help you?Gray Mann: Oh, I doubt it, but here goes... I'm looking for census records dating back to 1850. In the room marked, "Census Records," there's just a vat of what I hope to God is fudge.
- Olivia Mann using one of the Teufort Library's step ladders to reach the same height as Gray Mann.note
Zhanna: Make love to me.Soldier: Okay.
- Also, apparently Teufort was originally founded and named 'Hugginsville' by a man who survived a bear mauling by hiding under the corpse of the bear's victim, his wife. He was forced to change the name to 'Two Farts' by teenage bullies, and was too scared to change it all the way back.
- This exchange.
- And afterwards, Soldier is wearing Zhanna's dress.
Soldier: Hooray! I am back from the bathroom and everyone is happy!
- We present: Christopher, the Communist Mountain.
- When the Heavy decides to reunite with the Mercenaries, Soldier comes in with possibly the funniest line he has ever spoken:
Charles Darling: And anyway, these animals aren't dead. They're just sad.Giraffe: Mrr...Charles Darling: I make them stand on boxes, you see. So I can look into their hilarious defeated eyes any time I like.
- Charles Darling reveals his reason to why he appears to have animal heads mounted on walls:
- Okay, let's just get this out of the way: NAKED. HONEY COVERED. SOLDIER.
- Saxton Hale still hates Darling
Saxton Hale: Darling, I'm only going to say this once. I will never work for you. Okay, now I won't ever say that again. Now tell me what I need to do to get my company back.
- "Catch-Up Comic":
1890STILL 1890NOW IT'S 1930NOW IT'S NOW
- Classic Soldier's Weapon of Choice was apparently the civilian's umbrella.
- Saxton Hale keeps track of the timeline:
- He also breaks the fourth wall to comment on Gray Mann's "barely credible backstory".
- Also, how he starts the recap: "Our story starts in New Mexico. It's a desert, and it looks like this. Only a moron would live here. Here's some morons who decide to live here. A rich old man from England and his twin idiot sons."
- Blood in the Water
Soldier: WHAT? ZHANNA! QUICKLY! BE RACIST!
- Pretty much all of Soldier and Zhanna's interactions are hilarious and heartwarming.
- Zhanna's acceptance of Soldier's engagement string of severed ears.
- Soldier's reaction when Zhanna romantically helps him snap an Australian's neck. Just look at his huge goofy smile!
- Soldier and Zhanna discuss what the phrase "extreme prejudice" means in the context of a combat situation.
Miss Pauling: Speeds up the decomp rate. Trust me, ten minutes with a saw will save you thirty with a shovel.
- NECK FIX
- Made even funnier by a fan on Tumblr:
- The revelation that Sniper is not Australian. He's from New Zealand.
- Bill-bel, Sniper's biological father, is the dumbest super-genius scientist possible. Case in point? He used the last Cache of Australium to paint his prototype spaceships...which exploded.
- Ms. Pauling's reaction is to take a hearty swig of wine.
- Pretty much all interaction between Scout and Maggie. His lack of muscles makes her mistake him for a little boy at first and she and Saxton spends the rest of the scene being unintentionally condescending, much to Scout's annoyance.
- Miss Pauling and Sniper discuss how to make the shallowest grave possible.
Zhanna: You want to know more about Zhanna? Here is story about Zhanna. Once upon a time I do not like you. The end.
- Ms. Pauling has doubts about Zhanna as a member of the team.
Ms. Pauling: You said she couldn't understand a word we were saying!
Soldier: Yes. I meant that I couldn't understand a word you were saying.
- Pretty much all of Soldier and Zhanna's interactions are hilarious and heartwarming.
- The Contract, the comic released with the Gun Mettle update
Saxton Hale: Ah, right. No, those ARE garbage.
- Saxton Hale just can't (or won't) get Ms. Pauling's name right.
- Ms. Pauling explains that she's running out of incentives to make the mercs do any jobs. After Saxton says the guns she's giving to the mercs are "incredibly rare heirlooms", Ms. Pauling points out that her chair is built out of Force-A-Natures.
- Saxton brings Ms. Pauling to his vault and downright admits he sells his personal cache of weapons at obscene prices.
- Ms. Pauling wants something in her price range. Saxton's suggestion? Two Force-A-Natures welded together by the barrels.
- Then she makes off with the entire stash, leaving behind a bunch of "IOU" notes, each to the amount of a hundred million dollars.
- Old Wounds
Zhanna: Soldier! There is mummy in room with us!
- A meta example. We finally have confirmation: the Pyro is a woman named Beatrice! No, not the TF2 Pyro whose effeminate tendencies have sparked endless debates regarding their gender and/or sexuality. She's the TFC Pyro. As in, the TFC "exact same deep gruff distinctly-masculine voice as all the other Classic classes so nobody ever wondered if he was actually a woman" Pyro. Makes you wounder if Beatrice has been smoking as much as Dr. Girlfriend. The burn scars are also a common unmasked Pyro headcanon, for extra trolling points.
- This exchange:
Soldier: Ohhh, I knew this day would come. Quickly, Zhanna! Go find me some honey while I take my pants off!Gray Mann: I don't have much time left...I'm begging you...please keep your pants on.
Sniper: [hands firmly gripping Medic's throat] "You were smilin'. The last thing I saw 'fore I bled out and died was your smug, evil grin!"Medic: "I was happy to see you! That's just how I look when I smile! Smug and evil!" [grins] "See◊?"
- Zhanna calling Soldier her "little maggot-bear" and accidentally spraying him with blood from her wrist-stump.
- Sniper's mom, a sweet little old lady, cheerfully telling her son he needs to go back to Earth to kill "rotten [bleep]".
- Demoman breaking up with his liver, and Pyro trying to console him.
- Made even better by the fact that his organs also have eyepatches.
- Soldier shedding all of his clothing just to sit on the toilet, and Zhanna preparing to join him. Even better, no one bats an eye at this.
- "Modern Heavy" walking in on Spy attempting to spit a cyanide capsule into Pauling's mouth, which ends up looking unintentionally awkward and/or pornographic.
- Spy's look of irritation when realizing that he's been duped by another Spy. It's even funnier if you've ever been duped by an enemy Spy disguised as you. Not even canon Spy is immune!
- When warned by the dying Gray Mann that the Administrator is up to something nefarious with her Australium, Ms. Pauling responds with a speech of Undying Loyalty proclaiming that she'll never turn from her when she's gone this far... only for Spy to point out to her that Gray already died halfway through her speech.
- This exchange between Sniper and Medic, which goes from sad/dramatic to hilarious in a millisecond:
- Classic Spy's gobsmacked expression when Zhanna punches him in the face with her arm-stump... to absolutely no effect. Soldier then punches him, with considerably more success.
- Gargoyles and Gravel
Miss Pauling: In the center of the room is an amulet on a pedestal... SOLDIER... that looks VERY VERY DEADLY... SOLDIER... so you PROBABLY DON'T WANT TO-Soldier: I pick up the amulet!Scout: Aw, come on, dumdum! This is the third time we hadta restart this stupid... (Miss Pauling looks concerned)...LOVELY game of Miss Pauling's. Everytime ya pick up the amulet it kills all of us!Soldier: I will not be cowed by jewelery! That amulet belongs around my neck! Miss Pauling, I pick up the amulet.Miss Pauling: (Rolls some dice. Without looking:) The amulet kills all of you.Scout: (Losing his patience with Soldier) STOP PICKIN' UP THAT FREAKIN' AMULET!Soldier: We may be pretending we're in Fairyland, but we are playing in AMERICA! You can stop me being killed by that amulet when you pry it out of my cold, dead hands!
- Don't mess with the Medic in an alleyway, or he'll take your head and put it in a pumpkin.
- As the title would suggest, Miss Pauling is running a roleplaying game with Heavy, Soldier, and Scout. Badly.
Merasmus: Fools! It is I! Meras- ...Murray... with... your pizza.Soldier: Oh good, Merasmurray's here.
- Then Merasmus shows up... or rather-
Miss Pauling: (Off the Soldier's explanation) He gives you [spooky] surprises? Aw, that's nice of—Heavy: (Interrupting) Every Halloween, he comes here and he tries to kill us.Miss Pauling: (Double-take) So why do you let him in?Soldier: He's a wizard, Miss Pauling.Scout: Yeah. He knows magic and crap.
- Miss Pauling learning about the Team's history with Merasmus:
Soldier: If you're really the pizza man, prove it! Slide it under the door!Merasmurray: Fool! It is a party-sized deep dish! It would never fit!Soldier: I'm going to need a proof-slice. Slide it through the mail slot.Merasmurray: Aha! But how do I know you ordered the food? Put your face to the mail slot first!Soldier: I am going to put up my face to the mail slot. Here I go. Oorah.Actually Merasmus: Fools! It is I! Merasmus! And tonight you will- Soldier closes the mail slot
- "Merasmurray" trying to get Soldier to look outside.
Soldier: Everyone brace yourselves! It was Merasmus! There is no, repeat, NO PIZZA! We are going to starve! Unless we all agree to eat Sco-note
- Soldier finding out it was Merasmus and not "Merasmurray"
Spy: Let me guess: You want us to drive out to some graveyard or haunted house to kill each other. Because you're in debt to another international criminal organization. Because you've purchased some idiotic artifact you need us to fill with... souls or blood or something.Merasmus: (Outside the door, with the Russian mafia next to him, and a gargoyle statue with a funnel reading "Souls go HERE.") I... No...
- And then Spy tries to figure out what he's here for:
- The Naked and the Dead
Heavy: (Holding Zhanna's necklace in one hand) Where do you get this necklace of...human ears...Sister. NO.Soldier: HELLO, BROTHER-IN-LAW! Good news! You're going to be a grandfather!(Heavy looks at Soldier with a giant frown on his face)
- As the title implies, gratuitous nudity abound.
- How did the team survive the blood sucking robots? Demoman's blood gave the robots alcohol poisoning. Even more ridiculous is that he hadn't drank anything, he somehow reconfigured his body to produce its own alcohol, complete with him talking to his own organs again. Oh, and his liver comes back, and Demoman makes out with it.
- Miss Pauling is incredulous that transfusion is as simple as The Medic describes, to which The Medic laughs about how expensive medical school is.
- It should be noted that while he is saying this, he is dumping blood into Soldier, who is both very cheerful and holding his insides open so the blood from the bucket can get inside. Medic also follows this up by saying he's been using his underwear as a medical sponge.
- The undiluted look of horror on Miss Pauling's face as the Medic informs her that mixing bloodtypes is the least of her worries is priceless. Especially since just one page before we saw that the Medic's blood bucket had, among other things, dirt clumps and used bandages mixed in the blood.
- Scout hugs Miss Pauling, and blood comes gushing out of her eyes. What really sells it is her expression afterwards.
- Tom Jones is used SEVERAL times in different running gags, and in most of his appearances he uses "Sex Bomb" as a metaphor.
- Heavy's horrified expression and despairing look when he figures out that Soldier and Zhanna are engaged. Doubly funny as he reacts without even a blink at seeing her missing a hand, even telling her "Good" for escaping handcuffs because of it.
Medic: We've fought a giant your eye, a Dracula your eye, a brain-in-a-jar your eye, a knife-wielding ventriloquist dummy your eye. One year it traveled back in time and tried to become our parents. The point is: In my medical opinion... and as a man of science I do not say this lightly... That eye socket is haunted.Demoman: Wait, why don't I remember any o' this?Medic: Oh, that. I scooped that part of your brain out so you'd stop asking me.[Beat]Demoman: Aye, fair enough.
- Special note to Zhanna's exact words of "He is going to impregnate me, brother!" while jumping joyfully.
- Zhanna and Soldier fight nude and covered in honey, and talk about how freeing it is.
- Soldier (almost) gives up when he figures they are surrounded on both sides, not just one.
- Demo is enraged when he finds out that Medic could've restored his eye anytime he wanted... but then Medic reveals that he has restored that eye at least eight times, but every Halloween it pops out, grows bat wings and attacks the Mercs.
God: BOOM! You're in Heaven, dummy!
- Spy wears a $10000 custom-tailored Louis Crabbemarché jacket.
- At least two of the Modern characters die, and their afterlives have to be seen to believed.
- Special mention must go to the Modern Medic, who somehow managed to surgically extract the souls of his Team and implant them in himself just so that he could go to Heaven after making a Deal with the Devil. Satan does not take this well. Before he returns to the not-afterlife, Medic callously trades away one of those souls for Satan's pen.
- For the afterlife that Scout goes to, the very first thing that he is greeted with in Heaven?
Tom Jones: What's new, pussycats? Man, I just dropped a Sex Bomb on that steam room!(He gets his neck snapped)Scout: What was that?God: (speaking very quickly) We're making popcorn you need to go-
- This is followed by the revelation that God is (or at least is acting like) a total fanboy of him, whom not only requests to see him flex, but also threatens to destroy the Earth because women didn't sleep with Scout whom he called, "His gift to women". It must be seen to be believed.
- God has to follow with Spy's lie about Tom Jones being his dad. And just as Tom himself walks in, he gets his neck snapped again, by a cherub, so the lie can stand.
Sniper: (happily) Well, I'll be...Spy: You have got to be @#$ing kidding me.
- And then there's Spy's look of exasperation and horror when he realizes that, against all odds, SCOUT HAS SOMEHOW COME BACK TO LIFE.
Medic: Three baboons! How preposterous. The human body can gestate one, maybe two baboons at most.
- And then there's how Classic Heavy is defeated: Medic makes a bluff involving making the Classic Heavy give birth to three baboons using Satan's pen, which distracts him long enough for Modern Heavy to nullify his One-Winged Angel state... and then he pulls out the real labor inducing device and activates it just as an insult to the dying Classic Heavy. The Modern Heavy's stunned reaction to the Medic doing this is also worth a laugh. And to top it off, during the Title Drop, Medic is holding the baby baboon.
Soldier: HELLO NAKED SNIPER!Sniper: Hey.
- Soldier and Zhanna are naked. Zhanna accuses Ms. Pauling of eyeing up Soldier, Zhanna is disgusted, Soldier claims "I have fought naked but I have never felt naked until now" and right when Ms Pauling demands they act like professionals:
Miss Pauling: You wanna know how we beat you? I honestly have no #&%@# clue.
- While the speech itself is badass, Pauling's intro to it is certainly a nice summary of the events leading up to it.
- Meet the Amazing:
- The Pyro gets a job at a certain animatronics themed pizzeria.
- A lot of the remixes for the "Meet the ____" videos are HILARIOUS, and also very catchy. Here's a real gem, and an oldie, at that.
- OH MY GAWD, YOU'RE A SPY!
- Demopan, the new face of TF2◊.
- This. Some genius user modded one of the unnecessary achievement maps to have a GIANT CAT emerge from the ground SCREAMING and attack all players on the field with LASERS and BEES. The cat has, to date, proven to be invincible, as the link also shows a barrage of rockets did nothing but leave burn marks. Maybe doubles as a Moment of Awesome.
- NOT THE BEES.
- Failfort started by FINHeavich and now spans around fourteen videos composed of slapstick videos with the team's voice and faces edited in.
- The winner of the "Funniest Replay" Saxxy Award definitely qualifies.
- As does the Most Epic Fail.
- For people who are confused about the Most Epic Fail: A BLU Soldier finds a RED dispenser and for whatever reason, decides to do his "suicide taunt" (detonating a grenade in his hand, which normally kills him and anyone right next to him) to destroy it. The epic fail comes when a RED Engineer packs the dispenser up and runs like heck away from the Soldier, leaving him to pointlessly blow himself up.
- As does the Most Epic Fail.
- The Spy's reanimated head as a skin for the Solemn Vow (the Medic's Hippocrates bust).◊
- Dance Fortress 2.
- "Every Class Is Different", a children's picture book narrated by the Spy. Made even funnier once you realize that this is a reference to a certain Strong Bad E-Mail in which Strong Bad does the same thing.
- The WarioWare mod. "Avoid the Cuddly Heavy" in particular...
- Bird Fortress 2.
(There is a legion of crabs walking about the bottom of the sea, all spouting off Spy quotes, drowning out the narrator, but the volume of the crabs is lowered just for one part...)Narrator: These... Are spy crabs.
- Made by the same person is Sea Fortress 2, many people mentioned that they laughed at this particular part:
(Ghost stingray swimming over all the spycrabs and knocking them all over the place)
- Spycrab wins. SPYCRAB WINS.
- Hot Girl Backstabbing.
- Team GRN in general, though your mileage will vary; they are self-professed griefers, after all.
- Heavy has never sounded more adorable.
- This Giggling Villain Pyro.
- Stop Meeting the Heavy. Made in Source Filmmaker, which was made available with the release of Meet the Pyro.
- Someone made a map set in the middle of winter. With an adorable little snowman!
- TF2 Sniper Stomper: STAR_ gets really annoyed with just how many Snipers the opposing team has on Hightower and decides to kill them, repeatedly, in the silliest way possible. The ridiculous commentary and text-messages are what make it gold.
"THIS IS AN AIRSTRIKE.""I'm dead! It's cool. I got killed by a waffle. Stay safe, kids.""Monoculus!" (proceeds to miss thirty Beggar's Bazooka rockets) "I missed you!""I'm gonna turn into a truck! Hey, what's going on? BEEP BEEP!""I kinda can't move. I'm stuck. His arm's rolling faster than me!""NOBODY BEATS THE KUNAI!""You get close to me, then I could do things! Otherwise, I'm just a foot.""The fish always wins! Because sal-mon are deadly.""Oh those invisible sentries. Those frickin' invisible sentries, 10 times more invisible."
- He later made a video on the 10X mod, which multiplies every weapon's stats by 10, which brings some ridiculous effects along with the same ridiculous commentary.
"(controlling a level 3 sentry) Who would think this was ever a good idea?!""Watch this out, I've been practicing some of my minisentry DM, you can't hit me, I've got perfect aim, I'm dodgin', ain't nobody got nothin' on my minisentry." ('SKILLZ' appears)"Guys where do I go guys guys what am I doing guys- (Slenderman appears) GUYS I'M SCARED HE GOT ME!"(a different player) "Kevin. Kevin. Kevin. Kevin. Kevin.""Oh my God, I came here to be annoying, and this guy... (laughs) got me beat!""My favorite thing about New York? (beat) Probably the homeless people.""We're roleplaying over here. I'm the master of doors.""DEATH-U, RUN-U!! Time travel. You run from death, but you have to run from death so much, you time-travel.""(mockingly) "I can't wait to show off my Strange weapons to my life partner!""Forward. Forward! FORWARD! (splat)""E-HA! E-HA! E-HA!"(after wandering around a server for a minute) "I don't belong here. (long beat) Maybe I do."Not STAR_ himself, but this traumatized gem comes from one of the other players: (unidentified player breathing heavily and whispering inaudibly to his mic) "Please don't talk. PLEASE DON'T TALK."
- A video showcasing his misadventures on some rather... ''odd'' servers, which include such gems as controlling a sentry, failing at parkour, not understanding "fun" servers... and a run-in with Fluttershy. And more of the hilarious lines by him.
- Jerma is Mad, pt.2, in which a duel between STAR_ and Jerma985 has some... interesting commentary and incidents from both sides.
Jerma: "You know, don't say s-swears!"Jerma: (after being hit by a totally unexpected arrow... two different times) "MOTHERFUCKER!"Jerma: "I seriously can't believe you [STAR_] keep hitting me like that."Jerma: "I'm seriously going to sit down on the toilet and piss up into my face."Jerma: "I'm going to be try as hard as I can, I'm going to be the sweatiest fucking tryhard in this server. I'm going to kill you... I'm going to be a silent but deadly smelly fart in your face."
- STAR_ repeatedly firing arrows from spawn, not even aiming at anything, and spontaneously hitting a cloaked Jerma.
- STAR_ taunting after killing Jerma... only to be backstabbed by Boo. Twice. In the same spot.
- Jerma calling a truce between him and STAR_, to meet in another building. When Jerma's back is turned, STAR_ uses the lethal Huntsman taunt.
- STAR_ ruining Jerma's "fun moment" with a Spy by killing him.
- STAR_ once again killing Jerma with the Huntsman taunt, this time DURING HUMILIATION. Jerma's gasp of disbelief just makes it gold, especially since he was so cocky about 2 seconds beforehand at STAR_'s apparent incapacitation.
- Jerma trying to kill STAR_ with the Sticky Jumper. It's so embarassing for him he just leaves.
- Deformed Flying Mercenaries. STAR_ tries out some rather unusual client mods, and... there are no words.
- This video has Star & Jerma playing on an otherwise empty server...that they cover with the game's halloween bosses. That doesn't begin to describe the hilarity...
- Then there's Jerma is Mad pt. 3, which features yet another duel between STAR_ and Jerma, and Jerma slips deeper into insanity.
Jerma: [mockingly] "Maybeuh I'm STAR_, I like- I like card count. I like counting my cards like I'm in fucking Vegas."STAR_: "What does that even mean?"Jerma: "Oh, 120 health? Uh, 80 health? Add the two and get oh I'm a fucking card-counting asshole."
- STAR_ and Jerma argue repeatedly over HP counts.
Jerma: "...Oh yeah, Jerma is mad part 3, wow let's put cigarettes out on my dick."(next scene) Jerma: "STAR_, if you're editing this together, don't use the 'put cigarettes out on my dick' line, okay?"
- Basically, any time Jerma goes into angry mocking mode is hilarious. His psuedo-Jersey accent when he gets mad is icing on the cake.
STAR_: [laughing hysterically] Oh my god, Engineer...! How could I not use that clip?
- STAR_ going into spectate to find Jerma (who was cloaked and hiding) without him realizing it, and then killing him. Cue keyboard mashing and "GIT".
- While waiting for respawn, STAR_ is talking about how he wasn't going to make a video but found the aforementioned spectator clip too good to waste. As he is talking, he watches an Engineer build a sentry, repeatedly hitting it with his wrench. The Engineer then walks a few steps away to get more metal, and in those few seconds an explosive pumpkin spawns right next to his sentry. The Engineer returns and swings his wrench again, hitting the pumpkin and blowing himself up. STAR_ is incredulous.
- No matter how good you are, the train will find you.
- Welcome to My Dick
- Barbershop Quartet Scouts
- It's Precipitating Adult Males
- The Last Pyrobot. And then suddenly... love.
- "Ah, crap, singing. Mind if I smoke?"
- "Please stop sinning while I'm singing!"
- Heavy is tired of Gmod animations where Heavy cries over pathetic insults.
- That one video where the Heavy becomes a Dalek.
- What makes it funny is the part where the Heavy dalek vaporises a Scout...only for a real Dalek to sneak up behind & do the same to him.
- Sniper is stupid! Words just can't describe it...
- The Team Service Announcement series demonstrates common player mistakes and how to improve on them... in an absolutely hilarious manner.
- Sentry Knockback features an Ubercharged Heavy being pinned to the wall by sentry fire... only to be saved by the Medic twerking in front of the sentry.
- Teleporters. Nothing like silly dancing into teleporters, right?
- Class Balance. That is what happens when your team has too many snipers.
- "Pop it, Don't Drop it." That dance is godly.
- The dance is available as a taunt replacement. See it here
- Metal and Dispensers.
- Fake Players. Artificial Stupidity at its finest.
- Scout Combat, which portrays the dangers of bad Scout playing.
- Attention and Initiative. When do you think those idiots in the video will learn to pay attention?
- Unlockable Weapons. It has a point about the downsides for some weapons.
- Range Combat. There's a reason that the sniper was the only class to get a sniper rifle by default.
- Minigun Spinup. That Heavy never knew what hit him.
- Building Placement. The Oh, Crap! moment at the end is glorious.
- Exits and Entrances. The Demo's reaction to the main entrance being too much, and at the end when the Medic's ubercharge is ready, their expression says it all. Also, the way the Demo goes through the alternate entrance to go behind the BLU team involves surfing a medic.
- Pocket Medics. You really have to feel bad for the poor Scout and Demoman.
- Once, the creator of Team Service Announcements' Source Filmmaker suffered bizarre graphical glitches. Making the best of the situation, the maker made... this.
- Also from the same creator, "The Checkup". The Medic's lies are some of the funniest lines ever.
The Medic: (To Demoman) This is actually really bad. Your flesh is weak! Your blood is entirely out of your head! Your bones are... stupid!
- The sudden Elevatorstuck.
- When Demoman is charred to a crisped corpse by the Medic's operation, it looks like Pyro will suggest using the Medigun to heal him. Instead, he puts Groucho Marx glasses on him.
- Then at the end when the charred corpse of Demoman turns out to still be alive. And he's seemingly grateful to the Medic. Who freaks out and pulls out a pistol.
- What happens when you give a Heavy's voice to a gummy bear & put said gummy bear into a burner beacon...
- The jigglebones mod, which turns everything into a jigglebonenote . As a result of this, all animations look flat out ridiculous.
- Who built the sentry?
- Scout is Tetris! Sounds familiar, doesn't it?
- Too Many Snipers, in which there is literally only one guy on the RED team who ISN'T a sniper.
- The entirety of the KOTH_Trainsawlaser map. There's the namesakes, acid pits with trainsharks, rocket thrusters, madmen's scribbles everywhere including one giving away "Free Uber!", and a counter measuring just how many times players have died to these hazards, which can often hit a hundred. And if that's not enough, every now and then the real owner of the place decides to liven it up a bit...
Traingod: CHOO CHOO, MOTHERFUCKERS!Traingod: [singing] Traaaain rain and me going to beeeat yooouur aaaasss!
Traingod: TEENY TINY TRAINS!Traingod: We had to cut back on trains, so I got you this one big one. How do you like it?!Traingod: [at 100 sacrifices or a multiple thereof] A worthy sacrifice.... JUST KIDDING! DIE!Lucy:note Your team's RED; your team's BLU! I'm a laser, pew pew pew!Lucy: I don't want to have to hurt you, but you're so pretty when you drown in your own blood!Lucy: If you don't get out of my way, I'll fucking destroy you! [giggles]Lucy: [end of encounter] Um, which way do I get out? This way? That way? Um, OK, thanks, bye!Choo-Choo: Every week is Shark Week when I'm around!Choo-Choo: Oh, you guys playing a little game here? You got a little game going on? A little King-of-the-Hill happening? Yeah, well guess what? Now I'm here. Now, now what? Now what? You gotta deal with me!Choo-Choo: [singing] Trainshark ain't got no power steerin', bitch!Choo-Choo: Hey, why are you running? I'm just a giant locomotive engine with a massive gaping maw trying to devour you who also happens to be shooting rockets out of his face....Kilgore: C'mere, little man! I'm gonna make you into a hat!Kilgore: That's not acid; that's Kool-Aid! Drink it! Driink it! Driink iiit!Kilgore: Give me a hug, please! All I want is a hug!Kilgore: [on kill] 360 no scope saw kill!Kilgore: [end of encounter] Thank you, please come again. Please remember to tip your admin.
- Later patches added the Traingod's minions, Choo-Choo the Train-Shark, Pastor Kilgore the Saw-Cluster, and Lucy in the Sky With Lasers. Also variant train rains, including...
- For the release candidates, one last deathtrap was added: Behind the pivoting laser near the control point is now a Manhattan-style grinder... with a banana peel right next to it.
- While the Trainsawlaser Pro version dials back some of the insanity (only some, though—most of the deathtraps are still in place, but those that were previously on randomized timers are now on regular timers, and no more milestone encounters), there are a few funny additions. That laser at the beginning promising a free uber? It actually gives one—for a second or two. Also, if you hit the 100x-sacrifice milestone, you might get this line:
- While the sexual_class.filetype videos typically rely on Vulgar Humor or Surreal Humor, sometimes the audio splicing manages to be funny while avoiding vulgarity and still making sense. Here's a few highlights:
Soldier: "Come on out, Merasmus! I've got your drugs!"Soldier: "Medic, shut up!"Medic: [still giggling] "I can't...!"
- From physically_unstable_merasmus_and_his_wacky_roommates.cornflakes, Soldier and Medic attempt to lure Merasmus out with some Blatant Lies:
Heavy: "You are dead now!"Scout: "I don't usually die this fast-"Heavy: "NOW!"Scout: "Alright, alright! I'm dead!"
- And from stu_pidface's_flatulent_extravaganza.egg:
Soldier: "This is my Demoman. He was loud and ugly, and now he's LOUD! [beat] And ugly."
- Later, from the same video:
Soldier: "Surrender now, bastards, and you will be harmed!"Engineer: "Tree right up there!"Soldier: "Oh, no! This is this tank, Engineer! You are not welcome in this tank!"Engineer: "Tree right up ahead!"[Soldier and Engineer scream loudly over Stuff Blowing Up as the tank crashes into the tree]Soldier: "Nooo! My tank!"
- In the_misleading_book_adventures_of_the_endangered_goggam_engineer, Soldier arrives in a tank to attack Engineer, Spy, and Demoman, then Engineer somehow pops up inside his tank shouting a warning about... a tree.
Sniper: Oi, SantaHoovy! What's up with the political references in a sexual video?Heavy: Sniper, stop being so meta!
- self-referential_sniper_meets_some_random_dumbasses.mustard is worth a few laughs, but the GMod version takes the hilarity Up to 11 thanks to its Deranged Animation and Visual Puns. This moment of Hanging a Lampshade on Lampshade Hanging stands out in particular:
Soldier: Can one of you look at the top of my head?
- Spy_the_unicorn_hater_and_his_stupid_friends_with_Merasmus.Piss has a great argument between Soldier and Spy over the former's costume choice:
Spy: But of course! As long as... [beat] What.
Soldier: I am a pretty unicorn. I'm going to trot into the forest and pick each and every one of you maggots an arrangement of flowers. Men, these are the facts as I understand them.
Spy: Soldier, this unicorn is now under the disappointment. Never. Be. A pony!
Soldier: But... unicorn!
Spy: No! Pony!
Soldier: Oh... Then I will be Spy!
Spy: What? Nooo! I am the Spy, you idiot!
Soldier: But you told...
Spy: You are a Soldier!
Soldier: No! I am Spy!
Spy: No! I...
Soldier: Then I will be unicorn!
Spy: NOOO! You imbecile!
Soldier: Spy! Are you tryin' for a Section Eight?Spy: No!Soldier: I will not tolerate this crap on my team!Spy: But, Soldier—Spy: Come on, I don't have all day!Soldier: (Grumbles) One! Argh...Soldier: Aha, FOUR! Take your ass back to France now!Spy: Fine...
- snoipah_plus_pizza_equals_mayhem.sitoop Sniper orders a pizza, only for the box to actually contain Pyro, who sets poor Sniper aflame as Spy watches and laughs. Then Soldier confronts him...
Scout: What da—?!Spy: What.Scout: Get back to work, dammit!Spy: Or what, you subnormal halfwit?!Scout: Get the fuck away from my face, tough guy!
- Later, Spy gets a new job from Scout... shucking corn. He tries to bail, and immediately runs into Scout again.
- Then again, if Vulgar Humor is what you're looking for, the sexual_class.filetype videos are guaranteed to deliver on that, too.
Heavy: "Fem!scout!"Fem!Scout: "WHAT?"Heavy: "Shhh, come closer. Heavy is little penis person."Fem!Scout: "HAHAHA!"Heavy: "Is serious medical condition!"
Demoman: "SOLDIER! SOS! SOOS! SOOOOOOS!"Soldier: "WHAT?"Demoman: "PULL DOWN MY PANTS!"Soldier: "YEEY!"Demoman: "FREEF! FREE BUUUUUUUTT! SEEEEEEEEEEX!"
- Everything spliced by SneakiestChameleon. Just...everything.
- The part where Heavy transforms into a Genie and grants all the teammates wishes is comedy GOLD.
Merasmus: "Welcome... to Burger King! what can I get for you?"Soldier: "Oh hello MAAAArAAAAAsmus, we would like to order-"Heavy: "Sandvich!"Soldier (strangling Heavy): "DAAAAAMMIT, HEAVY!"Demoman: "MERAAAASMAAAAAAAS!! Sas! Give me the FUCKing chicken MEEEEEElon!"Merasmus: "I cannot do that..."
- 15 minutes of non-stop shenanigans with an ensemble cast of the author's past smexual characters, which for one includes a Sniper with a train body that's powered on jarate. As soon as the golden frying pan drops, they instantly go medieval on each other for it. This animated version (albeit in progress) makes it even funnier to watch.
- Dr. Heavich and Dr. Heinerschmultz have also made some VERY uproarious smexuals, as did Ugotaphonenumber whose characters typically have No Indoor Voice.
- Soldiers_ainis_monkey_and_his_retard_team.adventur A tennis smexual collab in 5 parts.
Heavy: (dismissively) "Pffff. Your tiny dick is no match for my giant a~ss."Spy unzips his pants, producing a *clunk* as his genitals hit the floor.Heavy: (genuinely surprised) "Oh my god. You are so— so—" (clearly happily) "giant."Cue Sexophone
- subnormal_halfspy_and_his_clique_of_handsome_rogues'_entirely_heterosexual_locomotive may be both surreal and sexual, but it manages to have some semblance of a plot. Highlights include:
- Just let him finish what he's trying to say, okay?
- TF2 in Shellnut in a nutshell.
Sniper: AWFUOGFIEEJSRUOAJORI THE QUEEN!Achievement Unlocked: Awfuogfieejsruoajori the queen
- The series-wide Running Gag wherein the camera will suddenly zoom in on something that (sometimes vaguely, sometimes not-so-vaguely) resembles phallic imagery while overly-dramatic music plays, then the video continues as though nothing happened. It's not even so much the subject that's funny, but rather the overly-dramatic approach and rapid-fire Mood Whiplash that makes this hilarious.
- A bit of Hilarious in Hindsight in Pyro in Shellnut: Spy sapping Wheatley.
- Also from Pyro in Shellnut, Pyro interrupts an enemy Medic's ubercharge with an airblast, and Medic falls off a cliff screaming in slow-motion while sad music plays. Pyro then ignites the enemy Heavy, but Heavy punches Pyro, and Pyro falls off the cliff screaming in slow-motion while sad music plays. Heavy tries to extinguish himself by dropping and picking up a sandvich, but since Valve patched that exploit, it doesn't work, and Heavy falls off the cliff screaming in slow-motion while sad music plays.note
- From Medic in Shellnut:
- NISLT's "How to..." videos demonstrate hilarious feats - sometimes of badassery, sometimes of incompetence.
- Scout calls McDonald's
Employee: Okay, sir, does the... does the issue have anything to do with McDonald's?Scout: Yeah!Employee: Okay... why don't you tell me how?Scout: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGHHHHHHHH!Employee: Are you okay, sir?Scout: FIRE, FIRE, FIRE! OH, I'M BURNING! I'M-I'M BURNING!Employee: Sir?Scout: I'M DYING HERE!Employee: Excuse me... excuse me, sir?Scout: Yo, wassup?
- Made even better by the employee laughing towards the end. It's rare to hear someone on the receiving end of a prank call actually thinking it's funny.
- This comment by ScoobysGotABooty to an...interesting and NSFW fanfiction:
This is it.This is what mankind was made for.A billion years from now, when the human race is gone, a budding alien species will travel the stars in search of life, knowledge, the answers to the universe. Our ruins will not be planet-bound, but space-bound. In the midst of nothingness, a space-station will remain, the only piece of our race that hadnt decayed in the aeons that had passed. A gold-mine of answers lie in wait for this curious alien race, that perhaps at one time, they shared the universe with intelligent life.And among the bones of our long lost race, they will find this. A single artifact among the dust and decay of the quiet station. From the bones of our former race, this will be the one piece they will recover, the one unscathed artifact remaining from what was once the greatest interstellar empire in all the universe.The explorers who found the artifact will bring it back to their home planet, in awe of this holy relic, and will insist that it be broadcast to their whole species. And their entire civilization will stand, teary-eyed, and salute the human race in silence. A race they never knew, but that had left behind the greatest legacy any creature could ever dream of."What do you think they were like?" a child will ask his mother."If they were anything like this artifact… They were no less than gods.""Do you think they made us?""If they could make something like this, perhaps they crafted the very universe itself.
- Quest of the Demoknight Final Level Playthrough, particularly the part where Merasmus summons a giant monster...that Demoknight pacifies with a single sandwich offering.
Monster: *Nom* Thanks. (Vanishes)Merasmus: Wait, what?
- Someone made a mod that turns the Pyro into Moltar. That on it's own is funny, but what do they call the item? Moltar's Manly Mask.
- When BLU Heavy is sent into a Randomizer Rampage, Hilarity Ensues.
- And now, Battle of the Brainless Bots.
- Meet the Workshop.
- Griefing can be irritating if you're on the receiving end... unless you're Balrog and you take it in stride.
Balrog: [stuck in a teleport trap with two teammates during Humiliation] They'll never find us! We're having a pool party!
- That Diglett is a spy!
- CreativityZone's YouTube Poop parodies of the Meet the Team videos have a number of great moments.
- About rainbows and jailbaits:
- The Sniper climbs up the ladder to his sniping post while an ascending fanfare plays. Once up there, he tries to fire his rifle, only to mutter, "Ah, piss!" when he realizes that he has no ammo. Cue the Sniper climbing down the ladder while a descending fanfare plays.
- After the BLU Heavy shouts, "Who touched my gun?", we get a slow-motion replay of the BLU team barging into their intelligence room, and the video freezes on a particular frame where the barrel of the minigun smacks into Soldier's face, complete with a sound effect.
- Meet the Smartass:
- After the RED Spy throws down the folder containing the photos of himself and the BLU Scout's mother, they somehow assemble like a house of cards on the table. Scout is just as confused as we are.
- Nearly all the dialogue in Meet the Spy was replaced, with only one major exception: Soldier's line, "What? It was obvious! He's the RED Spy! Watch, he'll turn red any second now!" At first, since the BLU Spy was replaced by the RED Spy in this context, it would seem that Soldier was calling out his teammates for failing to shoot the spy on the spot... but then, he says that last sentence, and then it cuts to a title card reading, "MEET THE COLORBLIND SOLDIER" with the familiar TF2 fanfare playing.
- About rainbows and jailbaits:
- MegaGFilms' GMod videos of TF2 have a variety of great moments.
- Here Comes Soldier (NSFW). Never has gay rape been so horrifically funny. Then, when you think it's over...cum explosion.
- A Friendly Friend, an educational video about homosexuality with Heavy and Scout. There's not one moment in that damn video that isn't perfect, with special note going to the ending.
- Spy gives Heavy a little suprise.
- With strobing lights and high-intensity music, even Body Horror can be made into a humor factor.
- Dear Femscout is basically a fairly faithful adaptation of the Saturday Night Live skit "Dear Sister". But it gets really gut-busting when the Sniper starts having a bit of fun with it.
- The winner of the Saxxy 2015 Best Overall vid, Turbulence, is so over-the-top that it will leave you gasping for air.
- A documentary on the daily lives of bots. Even Artificial Stupidity has artistic applications with the proper narration. (Bizarrely enough, also a possible Tear Jerker.) Now with two sequels.
- Scout Radio with Muselk. note It starts off cordially enough, but then it gets especially silly. The best part is when Muselk asks Scout about what he thought of Tracer...
Scout: That's a chick?! I thought that was just some dude with a great ass, like me!
- If all taunt lines were literal.
- Just about everything in this video about Miss Pauling and the Administrator "hanging out". Especially the Administrator's smile at the end.
- "Meet the Translate" is a hilarious series where every "Meet The" videos' scripts are translated 20 times in Google Translate, then back to English. The result needs to be seen to be believed.
- Engineer: I am the computer.
- Team Neighborhood. It's a fifteen-minute long video of nonstop humor, done in the style of a professional cartoon with the humor and animation of a Garry's Mod / Source Filmmaker hybrid.
- plr_highertower takes the final ascent of Hightower and turns it into an Overly Long Gag.
- SoundSmith's "Hat Stereotypes" series, which, as the name implies, has him explain the stereotypes surrounding certain hats.
- All of the "edgy hat" montages.
SoundSmith: These guys just like to freak other people out. Like, they're the same type of people who go down to Wal-Mart at 3 in the morning just to buy weird shit and freak out the cashier. It's just- *sighs, starts chuckling* Oh my god, it's so awesome!"
- "If you see a Max's Head on an Engineer, never, ever take his teleporter. Ever."
- His comments on the Potassium Bonnet.
- For the Dr. Dapper's Topper (his signature hat), he greatly praises people who wear it while trying to hide his.
- The Scout:
- "He's going to fish you, and it's going to be embarrassing. You might as well just accept it now."
- The Soldier:
That's the closest thing you'll ever see to Overwatch here
- "Why, yes! He does have a Medic girlfriend! And yes, her Kritzkrieg is permanently attached to his rectum. And yes, she will pop just to kill you."
- Three words: Linkin. Park. Vaporwave.
- The Pyro:
- The Stately Steel Toe segment is all about Vermin Supreme, who gets referenced again in The Heavy episode.
- For the "edgy hat" segment (in this case, the Fear Monger), he uses the infamous "Crawling in my Crawl" edit.
- The Demoman:
- SoundSmith say he shouldn't make a Jihad joke about the Sultan's Ceremonial, but does anyway.
- The Heavy:
God I love this movie so much
- The Large Luchadore. NACHOOOOOOOOOO-
- The Big Chief segment opens with a Big Chief Heavy calling for Medic... while getting overhealed by his Medic (using a Medi Gun renamed to "Heal Me Faster").
- The Chicken Kiev segment features a nature documentary parody, complete with a Morgan Freeman impression (which causes SoundSmith to break down in laughter and say he can't do impressions).
- In the beginning, we see SoundSmith's Trolldier loadout: His Gunboats are named "knock knock, it's the United States."
- The Engineer:
- FUUTUUURE! FUUUUTUURE!
- "You know, I actually know a former Peacenik's Ponytail Engie who had so many people say in chat, 'Who would put their sentry there?' that he actually named his wrench that."
- The Sniper:
- Instead of ending the episode with an "edgy hat" montage, The Sniper episode starts with one. In fact, it starts with five of them in a row.
- Special mention goes to the music choice for the last two montages. The Dread Riding Hood montage is set to the infamous mashup of "Numb" and the Seinfeld theme (prompting a confused reaction from SoundSmith), while the Anger montage has a bunch of "edgy" songs (including the aforementioned mashup and a really bad cover of "Bring Me To Life") layered on top of one another.
- During the Cold Killer segment, SoundSmith points out a Sniper in the background who accidentally walks off a cliff.
- "...Oh, right! And #3: *CRAWWWWLING IIIN MY SKIIIII-*"
- The Spy:
I identify with Sasuke's beliefs because I'm a 13-year-old and I think they're really deep
- During the intro, SoundSmith brings up the "Spy mains are weeaboos" stereotype and says he shouldn't "go for the low-hanging fruit", so he gets the joke out of the way via a weeaboo montage.
- The Charmer's Chapeau segment, especially the interview skit.
- Honorable Mentions:
- "This guy watches Sherlock and thinks he's just as clever as Benedril Cabbagepatch. Wait, Buffalo Custardbath? No, Bigbanana Habitat! Beefstew Calculator?"
- SoundSmith tries to make a Bee Movie joke for the Hive Minder, but gets yelled at by an offscreen person for it, forcing him to make a really bad pun instead.
- The final "edgy hat" montage of the series, featuring SoundSmith accidentally setting "All Star" as the background music and his regret over allowing the joke to go this far.
- The sequel series to Hat Stereotypes, Weapon Stereotypes, continues to bring plenty of funny moments.
Zenomite: Long story short, cutting the bullshit, and getting right to the chase: if you like the Panic Attack and it's your mainline weapon, you're a fucking hipster. You're a disgusting, filthy, lumberjack-beard-wearing hipster in flannel, and you prize novelty over actually being useful.Zenomite: So, yeah. Crack a can of PBR, twiddle your shitty mustache, pull on your lumberjack beard, equip the Panic Attack, load 4 shots, and hold W into combat *can crack*. And after you're done with all that, make sure you make a prayer of counterculture up to me, Zenomite, because I'm the goddamn king of fucking hipsters!
- The Panic Attack.
- "This means that the picture will be one of three things: a clan tag, a meme, or just hentai."
- "This person just really likes LOUD NOISES!"
- The Scout:
- The Force-a-Nature segment opens with an edit of the charging scene from Monty Python and the Holy Grail, with Lancelot's face replaced with the notorious "Scout Face".
- The Bird Scout Migration.
- The incredibly long insult given to Crit-a-Cola users.
- SoundSmith loudly singing the Imperial March as he uses the Batsaber.
- The Sun-on-a-Stick segment, in all of its sarcasm-laden glory.
- The Soldier:
- A good chunk of the Original segment is about the dick jokes directed at the weapon.
- The Gunboats stereotype. As GlassyGaming lists what Gunboats Soldiers do (ie: bombnote ), SoundSmith shows three clips of him bombing, and a fourth with him equipping the Stickybomb hat for the Demo.
- During the footage for the Battalion's Backup segment, SoundSmith uses the Backup to enter the enemy base and take out their sentry... only to see that a friendly Engie built a nest there.
- RUN FOR YOUR LIFE!
- The Pyro:
- The Reserve Shooter segment by popular GMod animator Genowhirl70, featuring text-to-speech voices, stock images, and references to The Wall.
- "Mail Fantasy."
- The Sharpened Volcano Fragment segment has SoundSmith read a tweet from someone with "meme king" in their title that defends the weapon. It then cuts to SoundSmith on-camera, breaking down laughing and saying that the joke "wrote itself."
- The Heavy:
SoundSmith: "While this weapon is actually pretty good at stuffing Ubers, if random crits are a thing, the vast majority of Holiday Punch Heavies are friendlies."Heavy Player: "Hey shut up tryhard! It's just a game. Why don't you let people play how they want."Sniper Player: "I'm going to completely ignore any and all arguments you may have against me, and instead, attack you personally! You fucking pansy!"Heavy Player: "Well I'm going to completely ignore any and all arguments you might have, and instead, attack you personally! You fucking tryhard."(Beat)Player C: "EVERYBODY RIOT!!!"(Cues massive fighting going on in the footage between Holiday Punch Heavies and various classes.)SoundSmith: "Yeeeah… Ok, I… I think I'm going to sit this one out. I… I'll be back."
- The entire skit regarding the Holiday Punch.
- The Spy:
Soundsmith: Oohhhh boy... oh, man, where do I even start with this thing, okay, hang on, I've got an idea.[Soundsmith clears throat]
- The Big Earner segment. Oh holy teapot in the sky, The Big Earner segment. One of SoundSmith's friends had an... interesting dream. Involving a drug cartel run by Tim Allen.
- Everything about the stereotype for The Dead Ringer.
- SoundSmith is back again. This time, with Misc Stereotypes, and no shortage of funny moments.
[Clip of SoundSmith waving his camera around frantically as he sprays fire all over the enemy spawn=]SoundSmith: OH GOD WHY IS THERE A SPIDER ON MY MOUSE GET IT OFF GET IT OFF OH oh cool I killed everything that's nice we take those but but also OH GOD
- The Dictator is just a montage of a "Communist loadout", complete with the Soviet Union national anthem playing in the background. Towards the end, the anthem becomes ear rape for exaggeration, with a subtle camera shot of SoundSmith himself laughing.
- At one point, we see that SoundSmith has renamed his Tomislav to "Tomi Wiseau"
- The Bruiser's Bandana is notable because SoundSmith opted to take a more different approach at the stereotype, only for a familiar song to start playing in the background and eventually get louder. Before he knew it, the Running Gag returns at full force, prompting SoundSmith to leave in frustration.
- The Scout:
SoundSmith: "This guy is probably making a loadout based on ghfjvjfjga."Guest: Sorry, based on who?"SoundSmith: "Y... You know, the Dhjmvsm."Guest: "Who?"SoundSmith: "The Dhjmvsm!"Guest: "Dude, speak up. Who?" (Sudden realization) "Oh... Oh I get it."
- The Stereoscopic Shades:
- The final stereotype is for the Electric Twanger, which is that guy at a party who has a guitar he can't really play. This is illustrated by Nathan Vetterlein- Scout's actual voice actor- singing "Wonderwall".
- The Soldier:
SoundSmith: "This guy is probably wearing two other cosmetics that include pipes or cigars of some kind so that he can go for MAXIMUM LUNG CANCER!" (Beat) "cough"
- Soldier's Stogie:
- The Compatriot segment is similar to The Dictator segment in the Multi-Class episode, but a direct opposite at the same time. It's a montage of the cosmetic complete with the American Dad! theme blaring in the background for exaggeration, with the Soldier shouting "God bless America!" to emphasize the point of the stereotype.
- The Pyro:
- The Reserve Shooter skit, where a Reserve Shooter main laments the recent nerf to the weapon and asks what he will do now. Cue gameplay clip depicting the Pyro just charging in to the BLU spawn while "W+M1" appears on-screen.
- The stereotype for Foster's Facade, where SoundSmith equips his Pyro with three weapons decorated with dollar bills as Mr. Foster's voice clips play over music. The Stockbroker's Scarf stereotype follows right after, and shows a Pyro showered in dollar bills as that same music played bass boosted.
- The Last Breath skit.
- The Source Filmmaker animation of If Meet The Demoman was accurate portrays the RED Demoman as a Butt-Monkey in terms of the in-game accuracy. First, his grenade misses the BLU Pyro, leaving the latter unharmed, then he ends up charging towards the BLU Engineer's Sentry and gets mowed down. And finally, when he tries to lure the BLU team into a Sticky Bomb trap, he gets killed by a BLU Sniper!
BLU Engineer: That's what you get!
- "TF2 is a Timeless Masterpiece", made by LazyPurple, a once-popular TF2 Youtuber gone on hiatus until this video. It's full of comedy gold.
LazyPurple: This guy is trying to start a conga line in 2017 for what is probably the hundredth time. And you know what? [Camera pans to show a dancing Spy] This guy is loving it!Spy: Magnificent!
- LazyPurple sees a dancing Scout in spawn:
Count Spy: Ah hah hah! Two shots to murder the Pyro!
- His retelling of himself watching Meet the Heavy for the first time. It's the SFM animation for Meet the Heavy, except the camera occasionally shows a Soldier excitedly nodding his head and having a heart attack as Heavy draws attention to his gun.
- While explaining how many of the guns in TF2 deal a lot of damage per shot, he brings in The Count Spy.
- "When you shoot these guns, it feels like... like - "BOOOOOOOOM!""
- "The second reason why shooting is so fun is because the character models in TF2 are sooooo... THICC..."
- The fidgeting Sniper while the chicken dance plays. The dumb expression plastered to his face sells it.
- When describing how movement helps you survive, LazyPurple has a visual demonstration by having an Engineer dodge a grenade. Said grenade flies into the camera, and LazyPurple can just barely say "uh oh" before it detonates in his face.
- Later in the video, there's a short animation of a Scout dodging around Sniper fire before beating his head in. The player is represented by a Sniper slapping a keyboard until he gets hit, at which point he begins rapidly spinning in a fit of rage.
- Jungle Inferno: The Nutshell Edition features the RED Pyro suffering a Humiliation Conga even though having new weapons, though. Later, the Heavy finally goes on a rage-fueled rampage and ends up killing Gabe Newell as punishment for letting the Team Pyro win the Meat VS Match contest. Don't forget Gabe's reaction when the Heavy is about to run him over with a van.
The Heavy: I should have done this long ago!
The Game Itself
- Every class has a large number of lines that they say when dominating an opponent. A lot of them are contenders for a CMOF:
The Demoman, on the Heavy: Oh... there's a new gravy-filled angel in heaven!The Soldier: If God had wanted you to live, he would not have created me!The Soldier, on the Demoman: Scotland is not a real country! You are an Englishman with a dress!The Spy, on the Scout: Here lies Scout—he ran fast and died a virgin.The Heavy: You are dead. Not big surprise.The Medic (after killing more than 3 enemies in less than 20 seconds): Oops! Zat vas not medicine!The Medic: Vould you like a second opinion? You are also ugly!The Sniper, on the Heavy: I just bagged the world's fattest man!The Spy, on the Engineer: Giddy up now... TO HELL!The Spy, on the Sniper: *Mocking laughter* You live in a van! *More mocking laughter*
Saaaandvich and me going to BEAT YOUR ASS!Vhat vas that, Sandvich? Kill zem all? GOOD IDEA! BAHAHAHAHA!Bologna is perfect fuel for KILLING TINY COWARDS!
- Any time you taunt as a Heavy with the Sandvich, especially when he starts to sing.
The Demo: "MY GREATEST ENEMY IS DEAD! (We should be friends forever, eh?)"The Demo: "I do not like this man. He is a SOULLESS MONSTER! (I do like you, it's just for show.)"The Soldier: "DOMINATED! (I cherish these moment we spend together.)"The Soldier: "DOMINATED! I'LL SEE YOU IN HELL! (Bye, see ya soon!)"
- Doubles with Crowning Moment of Heartwarming, but some of Soldier's domination lines on Demo (and vice versa) have them make sure their still friends. Mood Whiplash at it's finest.
- The cartoonish style of the game means that sometimes you die in such hilarious ways it's impossible to stay mad.
- Especially when you are gibbed, and the game gleefully points out your body parts. "Your foot!" "Your head!" "Your pancreas!"
- If you get gibbed particularly badly, either by getting hit with a critical rocket or running into a sticky grenade trap, the game itself will give up on trying to identify your body parts and just slap "A bit of you!" and "Another bit of you!" on the chunky red paste that used to be your body.
- The Source engine physics can do some mighty funny things, especially to ragdolls. Melee kills seem to trigger some of the weirdest and funniest results, including punching enemies up to a great height or across a room or sending victims rocketing out of the map.
- A Demoman equipped with the Scottish Resistance taunts by wriggling his butt at you, accompanied by the sound of squeaking.
- Sometimes just the various wacky hijinks that players perform.
- Getting an entire team to go Spycrab. It has happened, and the results were hilarious, if a bit messy.
- The developers put doves into the game on pretty much all the official maps before the release of The Uber Update. For God knows what reason, they exploded when so much as tapped.
- It was removed in an age-old update, but being telefragged would lead to the most hilariously sad killcam in the game.
You have been killed by the Teleporter Exit of the late Chucklenuts
- Some of the achievement names are hilarious puns. For example, the Pyro's achievements: Dance Dance Immolation: Kill 3 taunting enemies. and OMGWTFBBQ: Kill an enemy with your Hadouken taunt. And that's exactly what you'll say if you're unaware that certain taunts like these can One-Hit Kill.
- The Soldier's Equalizer taunt is blowing himself up. Trying this for the first time is hilarious. Also never gets old.
- A perfectly timed blast around a corner during humiliation will end up humiliating the winning team. This taunt is the best for the job because it can kill multiple players in one hit.
- Even better, wear the Lumbricus Lid and do an Equalizer taunt.
- Even better, equip the rocket jumper, which negates explosive damage done to yourself. Infinite, instakill explosions!
- The Demoman's response to going into Sudden Death:
Thankfully, I already don't remember this.
- The Soldier, while being UberCharged:
We have you surrounded, at least from this side!
- It's possible to recreate the Demoman's trap in 'Meet the Demoman.' Load up a spawn area door with sticky bombs before a match, then proceed to detonate them when they open. Most of the chat afterwards will be filled with variations of "Did that guy just kill half our team?!"
- A few of the signs on the official maps can be hilarious.
"THIS IS NOT AN EXIT. Unless you're a go-getter and want to MAKE it one.""WARNING: TRESPASSERS WILL BE VIOLATED"
- Spy somehow manages to act calm and poised even in the heat of battle, to the extent that one of his responses to being set on fire is a monotonous "I do believe I'm on fire..." or the slightly more alarmed "I appear to have burst into flames!" However, if you manage to hit him with Jarate...
"Is this... MON DIEU!""I hate you!""Jarate? *incoherent sobbing*""Euuuurgh!""Jarate? Nooooooooo!""I have been shown who is the boss!"
- When you have all three pieces of Soldier's 2011 Halloween costume, he starts saying some golden stuff.
"I CANNOT BE BARGAINED WITH. I CANNOT BE REASONED WITH. I DO NOT KNOW WHERE I AM. I AM A ROBOT. I DON'T UNDERSTAND ANYTHING.""I WAS PROGRAMMED TO FIND YOU. THAT IS WHAT I DO. THAT IS ALL I DO. THERE YOU ARE. SHUTTING DOWN...""I RUN ON BLOOD. I TAKE JOBS FROM AMERICAN VAMPIRES.""I AM A ROBOT. BOOP. WHAT IS LOVE?""COME WITH ME IF YOU WANT TO LIVE. WITH ME. IN MY APARTMENT. I NEED A ROOMMATE.""I AM A ROBOT. I AM PROGRAMMED TO GIVE YOU A SENSIBLE HAIRCUT.""I AM A ROBOT. I AM HERE TO TAKE AMERICAN JOBS.""MY FOOT WILL TRANSFORM INTO A FOOT - WITH YOUR ASS WRAPPED AROUND IT.""SCIENTISTS IN THE FUTURE HAVE STUDIED YOUR ASS FOR CENTURIES - AND SENT ME BACK IN TIME TO KICK IT.""I WILL NEVER FEEL PITY, OR REMORSE, OR FEAR, OR COMFORTABLE...IN THIS COSTUME.""Beep boop, son. Beep boop."
Russian Tooth Fairy has come for all your teeth! Ha ha ha!
- Even better when his lines are said by his robot self.
- Heavy manages to top this for 2012. By becoming a fairy princess and reveling in every second of it.
- A new item available for the game is a High Five taunt. This allows two players to high-five each other, with varying responses if completed or left hanging. The Pyro's 'happy' response to a completed high-five is so hilariously childish in its glee that it's hard not to laugh.
"I feel très bon!""Slap my hand. Slap it now!""WHO WILL JOIN ME?!"
- In addition to Pyro's body language there's Spy's surprising enthusiasm when requesting a high-five:
- And if you ignore him for long enough:
- The Ullapool Caber, a German WWII-era style grenade, that explodes immediately upon hitting a hard surface. So how does the Demoman use it? As a melee weapon, that's how! Made funnier by its description: "A sober person would throw it..."
- The descriptions for some of the game modes can be this.
Capture the Flag: And by flag we mean a glowing briefcase.
Sawmill blurb: ... These lead to a flooded underground stronghold that holds the enemy’s top secret intelligence—a flag made entirely out of microfilm. Or possibly nylon. Either way, yoink!
- The Pyromania update can be described as "RAINBOWS EVERYWHERE!"
- Taken Up to 11 by the Pyrovision Goggles. You too can brutally slaughter squeaky-voiced opponents in a magical land of cake and lollipops.
- The squeaky voice clips deserve a special mention. Everyone sounds just plain bizarre. The Scout sounds like an actual chipmunk, the Engineer's weird wheezing laugh sounds even funnier, and since the Heavy's voice was so deep in the first place he doesn't sound squeaky quite so much as he sounds like a woman with a sore throat.
- Not to mention the changed voiceclips. Yells of pain are replaced with elated laughter, and players set on fire will actually celebrate their plight. "I AM VERY HAPPY!" indeed.
- Additionally, there's also how the death screams when a player dies to a melee weapon or critical hit are replaced with them breaking down into long laughter, and this is especially funny with classes like the Scout, Demoman, and Soldier.
- The Domination notifications. "IS DOMINATING" is changed to "IS BEST FRIENDS WITH", and "GOT REVENGE ON" is changed to "BROKE UP WITH".
- Taken Up to 11 by the Pyrovision Goggles. You too can brutally slaughter squeaky-voiced opponents in a magical land of cake and lollipops.
- This little gem from the bulletin board on sd_doomsday: Attention: It is not a secret base if you keep telling people where it is.
- Some of the new Mann vs. Machine voice clips:
Medic: EVERYONE! FREE MONEY!Medic: I feel like a million Deutchmarks!Medic: FREEEEEE MONEY!Soldier: I will open up your chassis and use you all as a latrine!Soldier: You call that a loss? I've crapped bigger losses than that.Soldier: Well, that went pear-shaped fast.Engineer: Well, ah reckon that's that.Heavy: NOT SO MIGHTY NOW, TINY GIANT!Heavy: Whew! I'm getting too old and giant for this.Soldier: I am not trapped in a facility full of robots, you are all trapped in here with ME!Soldier: Reboot in Robot Hell, you tin savages!
- The Administrator's lines when you go into Mann-Up Mode:
Administrator: Mann-Up Mode activated! You poor fools...Administrator: Mann-Up Mode activated. What were you thinking?!
- The entire "Decoy" map - it's a ghost town which has been made into an incredibly crude mock-up of a Mann Co. base, with the Soldier's crudely-lettered signs declaring things such as "RESEARCH FACILITY FOR ANTI-ROBOT WEPPONS" and "HALE RESIDENCE." And it works, somehow baiting the robots into attacking.
- Of particular note is a small room containing an invoice from Mann Co. in response to Soldier's bid of "I WILL PAY YOU" to create the base◊, as well as several signs◊ that were lettered too wide and discarded, and one where the Soldier wrote "GLOBAL" twice. There's even a sign that says "HEAD" and "TERS" at the ends, but he ran out of space anyway, and the discarded sign reads "HEAD :'( TERS".
- There are various humorous signs in Mannworks.
For safety reasons, all employees must have moustaches past this point
- Team Fortress 2's disguise mechanics for spies means that they appear to be genuine members of the other team to your enemies. To pull off a more convincing Spy disguise, the disguise will in turn wear the cardboard cutout mask of a disguise. This means you could choose to play a BLU Spy, disguised as a RED Spy, disguised as a member of BLU team. Because of the 'fake' disguise (that is, the false paper mask RED team sees on 'their' Spy in this case) is chosen, it is possible for a BLU Spy be disguised as a RED Spy disguised as a BLU Spy. If this happens while you're the only Spy on your side, you have essentially ended up wearing a disguise of yourself to fool the enemy team, and it's as hilarious, Mind Screw-y, and absurd as it sounds.
- The Spectral Halloween Special Update. You get to do battle with Merasmus, keeper of the Bombinomicon. He ends up spinning a wheel to determine how to change the game. Choices include removing gravity, giving the players big or tiny heads, Super Speed, causing the players to bleed, set on fire, raining Jarate, or summoning ghosts, or granting you Ubercharge. The responses he gives to the last one are hilarious.
- Merasmus the Magician cracks some nice lines in response to his Wheel of Fate spell activating.
"JARATE FOR EVERYONE! I AM SO! SO! SORRY!""JARATE! Merasmus is... sorry about this one.""JARATE! Merasmus is not proud of this one."
- One of the spells will have him summon every living player to do the Thriller taunt while a Suspiciously Similar Song of the actual song plays.
- Quite a few of the classes' lines in the Halloween Event of 2012.
Scout: [no gravity fate] Gravity? Who gives a crap about gravity?Scout: [after having the big head spell put on him] Don't look at me I'm slightly less handsome!Scout: [falling down the bottomless pit] AAAAAAAAAAAAAAA-Holy crap, this goes on forever.Scout: [spooked by a ghost] *girly scream*Soldier: [no gravity fate] Don't you die on me, gravity.Soldier: [when Merasmus uses the Bombinomicon] He's got a book! HE'S GOING TO READ!Soldier: [when Merasmus uses the Bombinomicon] Look out! It's the bas-bo-bibby-bomb!Soldier: Your ass will be haunted by three ghosts - my foot, my other foot, and a ghost!Soldier: Come on out, Merasmus, I've got your rent!Soldier: Come on out, Merasmus, I've got your body! It's not burned! Looks pretty good! I might crawl in there myself!Soldier: Son, you are a disgrace to the afterlife. You do not deserve to wear that magic dress.Soldier: Oh hello, Gundorf! Where's Blasbo Babbins? Oh there he is! Everyone's here! Labalos, Gimpy, Dumpy, Snoopy... um... Man, I wish Merasmus was around to see this magical turn of events!Soldier: Merasmus, take your voodoo back to Canada, where it belongs!Soldier: I am going to tear off your head and crap in your stupid hat!Soldier: *falling down the bottomless pit* Damn you, Merasmus! You were the wooorst roooomaaaaaatttee!Demoman: Ya call those bombs, ya wee little romance novel? I'll show you bombs!Demoman: Merasmus. I've got your nickel. Give me back me eye!Medic: Er, hello, magic book! Do you still have Demoman's eye? I'll trade you a heart for it!Medic: Come out, Merasmus! Nothing vill happen to you, I swear! ...hehehaha! I can't! Ve're going to kill you!Spy: [falling down the bottomless pit] AAAAAAAAAAA-Come on, I don't have all day.Spy: [while doing the Thriller taunt] Jealous?Spy: [falling down the bottomless pit] AAAAAAAAAAH! *Beat* AAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!
- Heavy's newest costume this Halloween is a pretty pink pixie. And it has its own voice lines once the full set is completed.
Heavy: Heavy is Anastasia, Russian princess... IS SERIOUS, HISTORICAL COSTUME!Heavy: RUSSIAN TOOTH FAIRY HAS COME FOR ALL YOUR TEETH!Heavy: Brush Heavy's hair...BRUSH IT!
- When fighting Merasmus you'll occasionally get help from the Bombinomicon, who turns your head into a bomb that can damage Merasmus and turn you invincible and crit-boosted. Also the Bombinomicon has a high-pitched voice and a Spanish accent.
Bombinomicon: Pow! Zoop! Bomb head for you.
- Soldier and Merasmus' insistence that the other is a terrible person. Usually while dying.
Soldier: (Falling into a giant pit) Damn you Merasmus! You are the wooorst roommaaaaaate!Merasmus: (Dying again) I DIE! SOLDIER! YOU ARE THE WORST... ROOOOOMMAAAAAAAAAATE!
- Can we just give credit to Merasmus in general?
Merasmus: EVERYTHING'S coming up Merasmus!Merasmus: Behold! The terror of READING!Merasmus: And though you fight to stay alive, your body starts to spasmus. For no mere mortal can resist, the magic of...MERASMUS!Merasmus: You. Are. GODS! I don't know why I put that on the wheel...Merasmus: You. Are. GODS! I... meant to do that. It will go badly for you. You watch.Merasmus: You. Are. GODS! ...Wait, no no no no no!Merasmus: Invincible! Invincibl- wait, wait, what?Merasmus: Everybody's invincible! Muhahaha! Fools! Ahaha, eheh... hold on.Merasmus: Poop! Poop in your PUMPKIN PANTS!Merasmus: I die! I CURSE THIS LAND FOR A HUNDRED YEARS! No! A thousand! A thousanOHHHHHHHHH I DIEEEEEEEE!Merasmus: Gravity displeases me, SO I REMOVED IT! ...most of it!Merasmus: You may have bested my magic, but can you withstand the dark power... OF HIDING!?Merasmus: I am hiding! But as what? A pumpkin? A brick? Perhaps a harmless oil drum! Or a brick?!Merasmus: If you don't find me soon, I'll get so strong I might die of strength! AH HA HA HA! THAT'S A REAL THING!Merasmus: Fools. They have no idea how strong I'm getting. Or how loud I'm talking.Merasmus: [spinning the Wheel of Fate] THE WHEEL! Come on, wheel. Merasmus needs this.Merasmus: Hmhmwuhahahaha! GOODBYE! FOREVER! ... I'll see you at home, Soldier.Merasmus: Feel the tiny eldritch terror of an itty...bitty...head!Merasmus: AAAAAAHHH-I did not think this through.Merasmus: BIG HEADS! THE HORROR! THE HORROR!
- In a "Special Delivery" match, if you manage to get the Australium all the way up the elevator and launch the rocket, it starts to take off... then promptly crashes into the losing team's base and explodes. Two of the Administrator's potential reactions are priceless:
- Wheatley has some funny clips as the new Ap-Sap weapon for the Spy:
Computers? Hacked those. Mainframes? Hacked as well. Um...regular frames. All your different kind of frames.
Look at the pair of us, sneaking around. Like a couple of ne'er-do-wells.
Oh! There you are! Quick picture. That's lovely, very inspirational. Brave!
*singing* Hacking, hacking! Harmless hacking! Not in danger!
*singing* Hacking, hacking! Doing a bit of harmless hacking! Not in danger!
Oh, wait! No, I've got it! I've— *buzz* No, that won't work. Wait! Oh, I'm a genius! I'm an absolute g— *buzz* No, I'm not.
Yes! Yes!! In your face!
Aw, bless your little heart! Believe in yourself! Shoot for the stars! Why not? You can be anything you want to be!
Oh, just—make sure you keep a tight grip on me. If you would. Poor, fragile little Wheatley. Easily breakable.
If you're alive, can you say something? Jump around, so I know you're okay! Unless you've broken your legs, in which case, don't jump around - that'll just make it worse!
Oh, not the pocket!
Oh my God, they're shooting at us! They're shooting at us! Don't panic, but they are shooting at us!
- "Flawless Defeat! You didn't kill any of them!"
- The Scream Fortress 2013 event features a Halloween-themed Hightower map where in place of the bombs are Redmond and Blutarch's graves, with both of them demanding the teams to send the other brother to Hell while they trade insults with one another.
Blutarch: Dear Lord, this is Blutarch Mann speaking!Redmond: And Redmond!Blutarch: Shut up Redmond, I'm praying! Lord, please send my brother to Hell, Amen.Redmond: Lord, wait! Whatever he's praying to you for, I'll double it!Blutarch: NO!Redmond: *Cackling* I win at praying brother!Blutarch: Yes, pushing! I am a tactical genius!Redmond: What? I invented pushing years ago!Blutarch: The only thing you invented is losing to me right now!Redmond: What? Noooo!Blutarch: *Laughing*Redmond: Blutarch, we're family. Tell you what, on the count of three, let's both apologize and go to heaven. One, two, three. I'm-Blutarch: I'm sorry...No!Redmond: *Laughing*Blutarch: I meant I'm sorry that I'm sending you to hell!Redmond: No!Blutarch: And I'm not! Sorry!Redmond: Look at your corpse brother, as ugly in death as you were in life. So shriveled and red.Blutarch: That's you, you imbecile!Redmond: What? No!Redmond/Blutarch: Look at me now father!Zepheniah Mann: You did great son.Redmond/Blutarch: Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes!Zephenia Mann: Gray is still my favorite though.Redmond/Blutarch: NOOOOOOO!Blutarch: Knock, knock!Redmond: Who is it?Blutarch: Redmond, it's Blutarch! This is a "knock, knock" joke. OPEN THIS DOOR AT ONCE!Redmond: No, thank you.Blutarch: Redmond, I assure you I'll make it worth your while.Redmond: No!Blutarch: Knock, knock!Redmond: Who is it?Blutarch: It's your brother, Blutarch. Now, for God's sake, let me in! Someone's trying to send me to Hell!Redmond: I'm trying to send you to Hell! [Evil Laugh]Blutarch: Good lord! That changes everything! I'll finish the joke later!Blutarch/Redmond: Yes! YES! Send my brother to Hell!Redmond/Blutarch: Wait, what was that?Blutarch/Redmond: I'm not talking to you, [Redmond/Blutarch]! I'm talking to the mercs!Redmond/Blutarch: My mercs? Don't you dare! They've got a job!Blutarch/Redmond: Come, brother. What could they possibly be doing?Redmond/Blutarch: Sending you to Hell, [Blutarch/Redmond]!Blutarch/Redmond: What? [RED/BLU] Team! Stop what you're doing!Redmond/Blutarch: Belay that order, [RED/BLU] Team!Blutarch/Redmond: You there! [RED/BLU] Team! I'll double what my ratstink brother is paying you!Redmond/Blutarch: [Blutarch/You imbecile]! This is what I'm paying them!Blutarch/Redmond: Agh! Never mind!
- Blutarch leaning on the fourth wall:
Blutarch: All you have to do is send my brother's haunted corpse to hell, then run across a bridge to an enchanted island every time the clock strikes midnight every one and a half minutes to get powerful spells you can use to defeat your enemy, who will be doing the exact same thing, but with my haunted corpse! My only worry is this update makes too much sense.
- Blutarch leaning on the fourth wall:
- The same update also added plenty of bird heads for everyone. As in "replacing their heads with those of giant birds". The lines that got added for these are even better:
Heavy: I LIVE! With grotesque bird-head, is horrible!Heavy: Now bird heavy will vomit worms down your throat!Heavy: As promised, Heavy will now lay egg in your mouth.Sniper: You and I are a lot alike, mate. Except I'm an owl, and you're dead!Sniper: Hoot! HOOOOOT!Medic: I have a bird-head, you're dominated! We're both having a bad day...Medic: I AM ARCHIMEDEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEES!Soldier: Dominated, candypants! This is Soldier, by the way, I have an eagle head right now.Soldier: Screamin' eagle! AAAAAARGH!Soldier: (on fire) Argh! Brauk! My head smells delicious!
- Sometimes, when picking up a rare spell:
Soldier: I am having a heart attack!
- Merasmus returns for Eternaween, still hilariously hammy as ever.
Merasmus: Welcome to T-G-I-Halloween, where it's always Halloween! I'm Merasmus, your server! We have a couple of lovely specials tonight: ONE OF THEM IS YOUR OWN DEATH! The other is loaded tuscan flatbread.
- On Mannhattan, there's a deathtrap used to reset the bomb carrier back to start. Positioned right next to it is a Banana Peel. Walking over it pushes you directly into the trap, along with a "whoop!" sound effect.
- Soldier, upon getting an Australium gun drop:
(awed whisper) This must be what the President feels like all the time.
- While the Second Opinion is usually quite creepy, there are some golden lines.
Second Opinion: Kill them all.Medic: Hm... Are you sure?Second Opinion: Yes.Medic: Well, I'm convinced!
- It's possible to edit the Mann vs. Machine Tanks' speed. Set it really high, and this happens.
- Pretty much anything the Scout says.
Wave goodbye to your secret crap, dumbass.(when dominating another Scout) Yeah I dare ya, Rage Quit. C'mon, make us both happy.Look at this: Just caved in your skull, my bat's still dry. No clumps o' hair, nuthin'.(when dominating a Sniper) You'll never hit me! You'll never hit my tiny head! It's so tiny I got a frickin'...such a tiny li'l head!Pop quiz: How long's it take to beat a moron to death? (buzzer imitation) Sorry, time's up, you're dead.(when dominating a Heavy) I am owning you, you fat, bald, fatty fat...fat fat!(when dominating a Soldier) Drop dead and gimme 20.
- Loaves of bread springing out of the teleporter.
- And a glitch on pl_upward that makes it explode when dropped in the final point. Shown here, but has since been unfortunately patched.
- Seeing a Demoknight in action can become this; especially since a recent update essentially made the Demoknight immune to afterburn if he has a Chargin' Targe. Combine this with the speed and power boost of the Eyelander, and...well, you get the idea.
- One of the new taunts added in the Love and War update has you doing the Conga in which other players can form a Conga line (think of it like the High Five taunt only with more people) even with the other team. There have been instances where a large portion of a team, the entire team, or if you really want to see this taunt at its highest, the entire server doing the Conga.
Spy: Let us dance, gentlemen! Dance like no-one's shooting at us!
- Assuming the entire server isn't doing the Conga, some players will go out of their way to abandon the objective altogether just to kill anyone on the opposing team doing the Conga. The game even gives you an achievement for doing so!
- While many of the lines the characters have are really funny, the crowner has to go this one from the Spy, said with so much enthusiasm for the most serious character in the cast:
- The Love and War update also provided a lot more two-person taunts. One of these is a square-dancing taunt. If the Spy does it, he will show regret at doing so, facepalming and groaning as he holds his arm out. His dancing is also very lacking in enthusiasm.
Spy: Kill. Me.
- Which is funny, considering the enthusiasm with which he does the other partner taunts ("SLAP MY HAND!").
- And there's Rock Paper Scissors. Play with the Opposing team! Whoever loses, DIES.
- Do the flip taunt with a Heavy. He just lands on his head. He also flips others players with just one finger, instead of using both hands like the other classes.
- There are a few hilarious voice clips added in the Love and War update that were unfortunately unused. Here's a video of them
- The backstory of the Halloween 2014 event involves Merasmus's financial crisis as he bought a circus and owes the Japanese mafia $12,000. Nearly every line he has during this update is pure gold:
- Bragging that upcoming magical universities (he doesn't want to name names, but, Hogwarts) are "very interested" in his magic.
- Telling Gandalf he can go cry hot tears of jealousy into his stupid beard.
- "MERASMUS PRINTED THIS SPELL OFF THE INTERNET!"
- "I've inflated your heads and filled them with ROTTING, PUTRID GARBAGE! And because I don't want you to worry...my head is fine."
- Reclaiming "evil" as a slur, and saying he's proud of it.
- The sheer glee in which he yells "BONUS DUCKS!"
- Now you can pick up and use weapons of your class that players drop when they die. Taking you foe's hard earned golden killstreak and parading around the server with it? Cool. Grabbing the other medic's fully charged Medigun and using the to wipe out the other team? Priceless.
- The "Gun Mettle" update introduced special contracts for the classes, given by Miss Pauling. She actually leaves answering machine messages for the various classes, and often is her usual unfazed, businesslike self. But from some of the messages she leaves, it seems she's not so above it all. She doesn't think much more of the Mercs than Hale does, telling Scout to shut up in the middle of a voice mail, blatantly (and clearly falsely) appealing directly to Soldier's Patriotic Fervor, and talking to Pyro like a Manchild.
"Hey, sorry for the noise! It's Dollar Drinks Night at the Cap Point. Hold on, on the rocks please." [On the rocks!; rocks tinkle into a glass] "N-n-not act...not actual...is that gravel? You know what, never mind. Just, just pour liquor on it. I'll drink it anyway." [drink pouring] "You still there? I've got something for you."[water bubbling and bats rustling] "Hey Pauling here. I'm on a Teufort cave tour and...oh my God. These are the same caves I bury bodies in." [Ahhh! There's so many bodies!] "And they found them." [Somebody call the police!] "Anyway, here's a contract.""Hey did you know a gun show's a real thing? I'm at one with Heavy right now." [Heavy: Is perfect, this is gun.] Oh wow, what's the gauge on that? Yeah, Scout's been saying he's going to take me to one for years, but all he does is shove his stupid arms in my face. Anyway, I've got something for you."
- From the sound of things, Valve seems to be taking the approach that the Mercs don't take these jobs because they're the Best of the Best, but because they're too crazy/desperate not to...
- Many of her lines in Tough Break, too. Some highlights:
- Also in Gun Mettle, the Kazotsky Kick. It was like the Conga again, but with more: Enemy players working together to create towers of people dancing on top of each other, and players all on one team cramming into a single spot while dancing.
- The Woodlands Warrior Rocket Launcher has a hidden spycrab (as in, the plush toy) on the texture.
- As Muselk found out to his amusement, the Boxtrot is actually a surprisingly effective stealth tool in the right spots.
- The community-made Invasion update added Watergate, a map set in a seaside town/brewery during an alien invasion. What are you doing there? Killing people, taking beer from them, then running to a flying saucer and delivering the beer to it, because apparently, beer is deadly to aliens.
- What happens when one team wins? The saucer that collects the beer drunkingly flies up to the mothership and crashes into it, causing the mothership to go up in a colossal cyan fireball!
- One has to wonder how, exactly, the mercs found out about the aliens' weakness to beer.
- Perhaps the best part about the Watergate map is the announcer. Rather than the Administrator, you have a mildly unsettling but mostly hilarious replacement, which just drones "WE ARE IN THE BEAM" and "THE ENEMY IS IN THE BEAM" in a text to speech voice.
- The Invasion update also features a Shout-Out to the Alien franchise in the form of the Burstchester taunt. Each class reacts differently to suddenly having an alien erupt from their chest, some funnier than others:
- Demoman stares at it and points, as though asking everyone else if they're seeing it too.
- Heavy smashes it right back into his chest and dusts his hands.
- Medic inspects the alien closely and gets bit for his trouble.
- Scout freaks out in his usual flappbale manner.
- Soldier tries to grab the alien, but it retreats back into his chest as he attempts to figure out where it went.
- And Pyro just pets the alien like it's a puppy.
- Spy just seems annoyed about the alien. Apparently, this is a normal thing for him.
- Merasmus has some amusing lines when you receive/complete a "Merasmission" in Scream Fortress 2015
"Well done indeed, mortal! A pity you didn't read the fine print. For now, Merasmus has your parking space...for eternity!""Fool! You made a Deal with the Devil! And now you'll reap the reward! Which is... this reward. The devil may have inadvertently dropped the ball on this one."After completing a Merasmission involving defeating him on Ghost Fort: "Wait, wait, wait. Merasmus lagged. Do-over"."'Congratulations! The gift I give you... is death!'... is what Merasmus would be saying if Merasmsus' lawyers hadn't advised him that death is not an acceptable form of payment in New Mexico."
- Due to some of the update to game mechanics, some weapons had changes made to them. The funniest of these was the change to the Cleaner's Carbine, a silencer-equipped SMG—where it used to give mini-crits on a kill, it now requires the Sniper to fill up a meter by inflicting damage with it instead. Valve lovingly called this mechanic the 'CRIKEY' meter.
- In the Meet Your Match update, new lines were added to the new competitive game modes for the classes. As expected, the voice lines are comedy gold.
Heavy: In Russia, if hand is rotten, you cut off hand. If arm is rotten, you cut off arm. But if heart is rotten...you cut off leg.Spy, after a tie game: I have a tie. I'm wearing, it's silk and it costs nine thousand dollars. I do not need another one!
- Meanwhile, one of Pyro's only two lines seems to be string of muffled curses, the most audible of which is "Son of a bitch"
- The Balloonicorn's item description. Hey, it's a pink inflatable unicorn that floats alongside you! That's just adorable, right? Well, the Balloonicorn isn't as adorable as he looks...
Oh my goodness! Is it Balloonicorn? The Mayor of Pyroland? Don't be ridiculous, we're talking about an inflatable unicorn. He's the Municipal Ombudsman. Between you and me, Balloonicorn's a joke down at City Hall. Gary Brottman, the inflatable Sewer Superintendent, is sleeping with Balloonicorn's wife. Anyway, when he's riding around on your shoulder don't mention ANY of this to him, because Balloonicorn is on a hair trigger and he's usually pretty drunk.
- Valve's product description for the real-life version also deserves mention:
Liked Balloonicorn so much in the Pyromania Update that you'd like to take him home with you? Because Balloonicorn could really use a place to crash at for a bit (one, two weeks max), he's going through a bit of a rough patch right now. Also, you totally won't even know he's there. Hey, look, also, could you pick Balloonicorn up some smokes on the way home? He's good for it, he's just waiting to get some money wired to him.
- Also, the Reindoonicorn continues the suggestions that Pyroland ain't all it's cracked up to be...:
Tenth Most Famous Reindeer? Not for long! Reindoonicorn may have hit rock bottom after being benched in favor of a mutant with a bioluminescent growth on his nose, but those decades spent bouncing from one halfway house to the next have given him all the grit and determination he needs to get back on top! That and the fact that he's recently been seen hanging around with nine heavily armed lunatics practically guarantees that this is one reindeer to watch out for.
- Valve's product description for the real-life version also deserves mention:
- The description of the Sniper's Sir Hootsalot (An owl on his shoulder)
If owls are so smart, why did this one let you glue it to your shoulder? Come to think of it, neither one of you is looking like a super-genius on this one.
- The description of the Electric Escorter (a lightbulb in the Pyro's head)
"And it seems to me you lived your life/with a lightbulb in your head/wishing you had cleaned the hole/as the cephalic tetanus spreads" - Elton John, words by Bernie Taupin
- The description of the Scout's Batter's Helmet (a baseball helmet)
You'll be batting a thousand (skulls in) when you don this red piece of plastic!
- The description of the Spooky Shoes (socks with a skeleton design):
From Hell! Size 666! Outside of Hell, that’s a 5 1/2. Men’s! Experience the agonizing terror of tiny man feet!
- The description of the Soldier's Captain's Cocktails (two soup cans that replace the Soldier's grenades.)
Attention, tramps! Are you MAN enough to carry around cans full of expired soup? Are you CRAZY enough to pretend they're grenades? Are you HUNGRY enough to probably eat the soup later, when nobody's looking? We bet yes!
- Unlike hats, descriptions for weapons tend to be pretty matter of fact... except the Boston Basher:
On hit: Bleed for 5 secondsOn Miss: Hit yourself. Idiot.
- The description for the Ullapool Caber is another pretty good exception:
High-yield Scottish face removal.
A sober person would throw it...
- For the Ball-Kicking Boots
''Show balls who is the boss"
- The Lil' Snaggletooth bring us this
'When I grow up, I want to be a hat.' -Li'l Snaggletooth
- The Spooky Sleeves
Get these now, before Glenn Danzig finds out about them and buys them all! Seriously, you can have a world where these spooky sleeves are in stock, or a world where Glenn Danzig exists, but not both! Hurry! He's googling "spooky sleeves" RIGHT NOW!
- The Zipperface in and of itself is Nightmare Fuel, but the description fits right on this page:
"Daddy, what does your skull look like?" "I guess we'll never know, thanks to my stupid face." Pow-zoop! Zipperface! Never look like an idiot in front of your kids again!
- When Sniper's voice actor, John Patrick Lowrie, wrote an original novel, it was no surprise (given the completely not-serious nature of many Amazon.com commenters, just see the Three Wolf Moon story) that reviewers started praising the book in-character as the eight other mercenaries, as well as the Administrator, Saxton Hale, Wheatley... They probably didn't expect Lowrie to respond in-character, thoughnote . He also laments that he could not include a hat with the book.
- This particular book review, written in-character as The Heavy.
- Another one from John Patrick Lowrie – Sniper writes a letter to Princess Celestia.
John Patrick Lowrie: Dear Princess Celestia,I’ve learned nothing about friendship this week. In fact, my so-called friend, the Heavy, keeps taking all the medkits.He's not even that injured, and I’m right there, ignited in flames, about to become a frikkin cooked steak! If anyone should be sent to the moon, it would be him.I must leave now: there's a BLU Scout in target range, just waiting for one of my bullets to meet their skull.
- Even funnier when you realize that in My Little Pony: Friendship Is Magic/Team Fortress 2 crossover artwork, Twilight Sparkle is almost always the Sniper for some reason.
- Doubly funnier when you remember one of Sniper's lines is "You prancing show ponies!" Perhaps Sniper really is aware of MLP in-universe as well as out.
- A different funny fact is that, when someone pointed out the Princess Celestia letters are a Youtube Famous Meme, Lowrie quipped "I'm not gonna have to pull out my penis for this, am I?" Immediately followed by everyone simultaneously laughing and having a "No. Just... No" Reaction.
- Even more hilarious, he quips that GLaDOS is his wife and that if this was anything bad, she would stick them in a test chamber. GLaDOS read her own letter to Celestia not long after this occasion.
- Even funnier when you realize that in My Little Pony: Friendship Is Magic/Team Fortress 2 crossover artwork, Twilight Sparkle is almost always the Sniper for some reason.
- John Patrick Lowrie did a interview as the Sniper at MAGfest we learn that:
He likes cheap Bangkok prostitutes.
He drives his van from Australia to Bangkok.
He can fit 57 Bangkok prostitutes in his van.
He thinks his teammates and Saxton Hale are crap and hates Bee Gees, coffee, sharks, asparagus, squids.
His first three girlfriends were sheep.
He shot his father in the leg on a fishing trip.
Can produce 300-400 Jarate jars a day on the job.note
Has no clue what vegemite is.
He hates people.
- Robin Atkin Downes. Medic Halloween 2013 outtakes. Yes.
- Some awesome YouTube user made dubs of the comics. See them here. YOU WILL LAUGH UNTIL YOUR INTESTINES BLOW OPEN!
- This gif pretty much sums up the whole of TF2 in six seconds (according to the official subreddit, anyway.)
Raging-Man: Let's see: Heavy+Medic combo, Conga, W+M1 Pyro, Gibus, Market Gardener, Jerma reference (no idea why else the joke would be with 985), Lenny, Glitches, Unusual(right at the end, blu engie).
- While its canon status is hazy, Introducing The Steam Link has some funny moments:
- Medic and Heavy playing a heated round of Street Fighter IV...in the middle of Heavy's surgery.
- Spy playing Cities: Skylines during a candlelit bath...with his balaclava still on.
- Sandvich "watching" Kung Fury.
- Pyro, Engie, Demo, and Solly playing Gang Beasts...while a Scout picks up their Intelligence, unnoticed. Good thing they had a Sentry!
- At the very end, Sniper is raiding the fridge, and one of the Bread Monsters from "Expiration Date" can be seen in the garage.
- The mere implication that these nine lunatics share a house at all is funny on its own.
- Everything about the blog post that announced that the "Crazy Legs" visual glitch had been patched.
What a lot of people don't know is that this "bug" isn't a bug at all, but rather an embarrassing result of the degenerative leg disease our motion capture actor, Del Bluskin, has bravely endured for over a decade now, which has turned the lower half of his skeleton into something that looks like two raw bacon strips held up in a wind tunnel.