At the end of 'Coliseum', Hakeev of the Tal Shiar corners you. You've been cut off and betrayed, and you're staring down the barrels of a dozen Romulan disruptors. He happily gloats about your impending demise, his men level their guns and squeeze the triggers... and your ship locks onto your signal and beams you out just in time. Cue an outraged, perfectly-timed, and utterly pricelessBig "NO!".
Mission completion texts for Duty Officer assignments can be very amusing - especially when things go wrong.
Authorise Shipboard Concert - Failure:
In the wake of the concert, members of your crew have requested an unusually high number of amnesia-inducing stimulants.
Host Diplomatic Reception - Disaster:
Your victims were routed to Sickbay with alcohol poisoning.
Capture and Deliver Descendants of Caitian Unforgiven to Ferasans - Failure:
By the time the target was located, the Caitian had died of natural causes.
Or someone gets injured and/or killed on completely mudane tasks. There have been reports of crew members having to be hospitlized after attempting to review sensor logs. The joke was that they got into a fist fight.
Then there's mechanically good but story-silly choices for assigning doffs to assignments, like sending holo-Shakespeare and a Horta to test cold-weather gear. Or entering a Horta in an anbo-jyutsu tournament. See this thread.
Dialogue Option 1: "Huh, you're right, I never thought about it that way."
Dialogue Option 2: "I'm glad to know someone agrees with me."
"Got any good gossip?"
[Morn rattles the drink in his hand.]
The best one is if you ask where he's been this whole time.
Morn ponders for a moment, gathering his thoughts on his grand adventure ... [ Gilligan Cut ] Several hours later... Morn finishes his tale. He looks at his glass and takes a long drink, his throat parched from the long tale. He nods and bids you farewell.
This one is very meta, but dammit, how Denise Crosby met Al Rivera (CaptGeko) and Christine Thompson (Kestral) of Cryptic Studios after agreeing to the job is nothing short of awesome and funny as hell. Watch the whole thing here.
First, this was a fan convention, the devs just happened to be going and learned there was an open Q&A.
Al surprised Denise by revealing who he was to her who he was. He was the calm fan boy. SHE WAS FREAKING OUT.
Al/CaptainGeko: "My name is Al Rivera and I'm the leader content designer of Star Trek Online."
Denise Crosby: "THIS IS THE THE MAN I'VE BEEN LOOKING FOR!!!"
Denise coming up with her own story for Tasha's fate involving Timey-Wimey Ball, cloning, Rebel Leader and a Cat fight between Tasha and Sela.
Al: "How long have you been coming up with this!?"
Sela: "Since I got the call!"
In perspective: Denise Crosby wrote fan fiction about her own character and is getting it canonized.
The best part being that Season 1 Yar is a clone.
"But she's a good clone!"
Also finding out that Denise's strategy for dealing with Sela is very funny if you've seen the Family Guy skit about her grandfather, Bing Crosby.
"Then [Tasha] has to deal with her daughter. ( beat ) Her little bitch of a daughter. Very insipid. She deserves a good spanking!"
Then it swerves into Moment of Awesome: it ends with Tasha getting Sela to accept her human side and eventually unite the Romulans with the Federation like Kirk did in Star Trek VI: The Undiscovered Country. Kestral/Christine's response?
(Tribble Test Server Patch Notes, April 4th, 2013)
"The Qo'Nos Transporter chief has been executed for incompetence." (Translation: Beaming around Qo'Nos is fixed)
And in keeping with that one, the old transporter chief NPC was switched out, and the new one gives this reason for the change.
The Next Week (Tribble Test Server Patch Notes, April 8th, 2013) The KDF transporter chief will once again allow players to beam to the Academy and their ship. The people responsible for sacking the previous Transporter Chief have now been sacked. The Transporter is now being run in an entirely different manner at great expense by the following:
40 specially-trained New Romulan Mountain Epohhs 6 Vulcan Epohhs 142 Andorian Battling Epohhs 14 Reman Snow Possums (Closely related to the Epohh) Reginald Epohh of Jupiter Station Known Issues: A Tribble once bit my sister.
hevach: Clearly Cryptic needs more strict rules regarding alcohol in the office. Borticus (A dev): Quiet, you! >:|
Another one: "Sela still doesn't have a cape. - Now the cape makers are on strike. "
Yet more dev snarkiness. The servers died for several hours on March 21, 2014. The @StarTrekOnlineTwitter feed gave the following status report:
"@YouriAshton We're still looking at ridding ourselves of the Borg-pests. :)"
You can almost hear the devs rolling their eyes and laughing in the note describing how the fixed a Good Bad Bug that was causing giant floating Andorians in the Undine Battlezone:
In the first Klingon Empire mission after the Tutorial, you end up fighting Nausicaan pirates in the Warehouse at the the Exchange. All throughout the fight, the Ferengi in charge of the Exchange is running around screaming in fright, but you can shut him up by punching him.
Just the fact that you can breed a cannibal tribble that then eats all the common tribbles.
Heck, just the fact that you can equip a Tribble.
And if you have any food equipped, you'll soon have more than one tribble in your pocket. Isn't it generally frowned on to let pets breed in the pocket of your uniform?
The Risa Summer Event. Starfleet and KDF Command find it so important, they call a temporary truce so that both sides can go to Risa, search for Horga'hns (the little statues that help you get laid by a Risian) fly jetpacks, play dabo and have a dance party. ... You guys remember you're at war right?
You can even find an expy couple of Worf and Jadzia fighting at night, and being told as a Federation captain that you can't learn Mok'bara on the rocks by a Klingon captain.
Episode "Wasteland", mission "A Fistful of Gorn". Law leaves a death note, then we see a cutscene where he and a Gorn pirate chief square off in a Showdown at High Noon. Cue Battle Discretion Shot when they fire. Next scene has Law walk up to you and nonchalantly shrug and complain about how stupid it looks to leave you a death note and then not die.
As a bit of a bonus for the countdown to Season 8, Q returned to the faction bases to grant you extra XP. One of the options you could choose is "Are you really as powerful as they say?" He promptly turns you into random creatures, up to and including an Undine! (This also happens during the Winter Wonderland, and the Anniversary events.)
It's even funnier when, if you're a Vice Admiral, you pass by the class as any of those forms and they salute you as usual!
You know all the bitching about Season 8 and the Voth (especially the Dinosaurs) as a whole? Turns out in-universe the NPCs are equally exasperated by this encounter. Just hang around Dyson Command to see!
Starfleet Officer: Sooo... barring a temporal incident, who'd have thought we'd be fighting dinosaurs?
R.R. Fleet Specialist: OK. How did the Voth manage to get this giant freaking ship in the sphere?
This video of Dave Rivas recording for Captain Shon manages to be utterly hillarious.
Kestral's companion story to Sphere of Influence, "Of Chaos and Kal-Toh", was recently published in Star Trek Magazine and it's pretty much Comedic Sociopathy:
First, Shon is being dissected by the Solanae while this is all going on.
The Enterprise-F, ordered by Starfleet to investigate the literally just-appeared-out-of-thin-air Jouret Gate, gets scanned by an Iconian Probe and starts falling towards the Sphere's surface ala Star Trek Into Darkness.
Commander Winters ends up having to be a Turbolift Operator.
Lt. Kyona is forced to enter the Jeffries tubes (which she hates).
Lt. Cmdr Tem Inasi is cheerfully informing the Bridge Crew how horribly they're gonna die. ("The last 30 seconds should be very uncomfortable!")
Kirayoshi O'Brien is fighting the Iconian Virus and losing.
In the "Party Crashers" event for the game's anniversaries, you have to chase down Tiny Qs to get them back up to the big (normal) Q. At one point, a Q can transform into various forms to run away. There's a chance that one of those forms will be a Tribble.
On Earth Spacedock there are several voiced announcements that come over the social zone. One of them is for an emergency holodeck extraction. Code 30. Yes, they are so common, Holodeck Malfunctions have degrees and codes of severity!
In a set of patch notes for the Tribble test server, a few instances of Undine references forgot the second 'n', thus calling the Undine "Undie". Cue underwear jokes from the forum-goers.
In a bit of a Call-Back, the human crew of the Enterprise-F, especially Kirayoshi, will wistfully talk about Zefram Cochrane. Kirayoshi even calls him a visionary. Anyone who's seen Star Trek: First Contact knows what visions he had.
When the Federation player is granted command of the Enterprise-F for the 2014 First Contact Day mission, Captain Shon gives this bit of advice:
Shon: Just don't break my ship.
In the new ESD, one of the announcements tells you that the waterfalls decorating the area are not recreation areas. People racing across there will tell you otherwise.
"Please inform Commander Andrews that I've not eaten the furniture or scared away the dabo players... *Beat* Not yet, anyways."
During the conference of "Surface Tension," a Ferengi delegate tries to negotiate the purchase of the Jenolan Dyson Sphere to turn it into a vacation destination to, in his words, rival Risa. It's perfect comedic timing for the Undine to blow through the gateway to attack the Alpha Quadrant.
Also during "Surface Tension," Shon uses the U.S.S. Aquarius (NX-97000) which is docked into the Enterprise-F as a ramming device which [blows up the Undine Planet Killer. Cue the jokes that Shon found the only way the Aquarius could ever be useful.
In "All That Glitters", Neelix and the Doctor finally reunite after thirty years and since the Vaadwaur are busy dealing with a feast, the two get to know what the other has been up to since their last meeting. Cue a series of jump cuts with your crew just lounging around, talking and just being bored out of their minds.
The new Club 47 has a line waiting for the bathroom... er, Refresher. And no one's coming out...
Also in Club 47, one male NPC tries hitting on a bunch of the women around the club, with cheesy pick up lines, and even claiming he's the captain of the U.S.S. Enterprise. None of the women buy it, and tell him in progressively stern ways to get lost. One even suggest to him that he should go ahead and take a space walk without an EV Suit. After making a failed lap around the bar, a Klingon bouncer steps in and makes it clear the guy is going to be leaving the club now, either on his own feet, or literally thrown out.
Your Delta Recruit's reaction to the fact that, in about 18 month's time, you'll go from ensign barely surviving a deadly encounter with the enemy to the highest levels of command.
Captain Geko telling Aron Eisenberg in his livestream what Entertainment Provisions REALLY are.
The same line is also used in "Scylla and Charybdis".
"Time and Tide" has you investigate Noye's logs. One of them show his wife Clauda mentioning about wanting to give him a snack cake with nougat in it to calm him down. She's telling him to eat a Snickers.
There's also the potential of hilarity with the Face–Heel Turn Noye recognizing your ship thanks to how the script is written.
Noye: Wait a moment...I recognize that ship! <Ship Name>!
The PVE Queue The Battle of Procyon V, despite being a serious battle in the history of the Star Trek universe, is filled to the brim with humorous dialogue. Mostly because the NPCs are temporal agents who are constantly reintegrated with their past selves when the timeline changes, and the battle itself is constantly on repeat because of Timey-Wimey Ball.
The first one goes to the Ferasan captain who leads the defense of the Enterprise-J. If you forgot, the Ferasans' hats are Mad Scientist and Proud Warrior Race Guy. He fails at both as he fails to analyze the situation and at tactics and promptly gets himself killed. Each loop of the battle he remembers that he died doing another tactic and tries another (aggressive) tactic only for it to happen again. On the last loop, however...
Ferasan Captain: "Incoming hostiles! Moving to... stay with Enterprise. Yes." *Gets blown up anyways because this time there are too many enemies to contain!*
Daniels interjections at the end of each loops is equally funny. Everyone is about to start celebrating and Daniels starts yelling "WAIT!" more and more hammily (with equally hammily animations) that are simply ridiculous to behold.
Agents of Yesterday finally reveals why Temporal Investigations hates that "always on time" joke from Star Trek: Deep Space Nine. Turns out, Temporal Agents are NEVER on time. Daniels seems to be the only one capable of it, and recognizes that their enemies can use the timeline to turn their losses into victories. This bites them in the ass in "Temporal Reckoning" as it causes the Temporal Agents' HQ at New Khitomer to be overrun by the Temporal Liberation Front, and get Daniels killed. Even once the distress call is sent, the timeships take their sweet time showing up...
Captain Walker: Sorry, we were late. How bad was the damage?
Yuzral: You're the Captain of a timeship! You shouldn't be late and you should already know!
During the arc of the same name (the introduction for Original Series Captains), in Return to Babel, Chekov drops his temporal transponder - which gets picked up by Montgomery Scott, who holds onto it... until Ragnarok at the end of the Future Proof arc. Chekov fumbles for his transponder, expresses confusion when he can't find it - and in that moment Scotty appears;
Chekov:(exasperated) Bozhe moy!
Scotty then spends the rest of the mission commenting on the ship's hardware, pointing out how he wrote the warp protocol they're (still) using, helping integrate the Tox Uthat into the ship's systems, and ultimately getting taken back to his proper time (but not without getting Chekov to give him one last good look at "their" Enterprise.) Given the nature of temporal warfare, it's entirely likely that this was the sequence of events that had to happen in order for things to succeed.
As a Temporal Agent, picking up the Temporal Probe in "Operation Gamma" has you learn that Farak was attacked by Jem'Hadar while looking up info on the Vorgons. Your first officer reveals that she left quite the colorful epithet for the Na'kuhl. Your response? Erase everything but the Ferengi cursing - why should they not get in on such colorful wording?
For the 2016 PC Q's Winter Wonderland event, the Snowman Invasion was replaced with Klingon Ice Fishing. Where you punch ice to get Swedish Fish to summon a giant gummy worm. Sometimes the fish will envelop your arm and you literally beat it into submission. And then there are fish where they'll eat you whole and you have to walk it back to the offering plate.
"Beyond the Nexus" has your character go to a Galaxy-class starship and stumble into a holodeck... running a program by one Reginald Barclay. (No goddesses of empathy, though.)
The 2018 April Fools day featured an "Artisanal Sonification System", which had all the SFX replaced by optional childish beeps, boops, and explosion noises for 24 hours.
Pretty much everything about "Quark's Lucky Seven" is one.
Nog: I thought you meant rescue operations. I can shoot you later if you'd like.
Quark: No, it just wouldn't be the same...
Some players will laugh out loud when you distract the Iconian Herald by blowing a party horn.
Another item is what's apparently Sisko's baseball and a bat. Quark recalls the time Sisko made them all play, and he says Rom ended up loving the game so much he bought a team himself, the Ferenginar Liquidators, who apparently suck badly, even when cheating.
There's a bottle of prune juice, and as Quark notes, while Worf considers it a "warrior's drink", when Quark tried it all that resulted was severe digestive trouble.
In the Featured TFO "Pahvo Dissention" if you play a Discovery-era captain, the Mirror version of your default crew are the bosses... who immediately recognize you as that guy who Captain Killy executed with a spoon.See here.◊
CactuarJoe: "Makes sense — if our captain is the biggest, most unkillable badass in this universe, of course our Mirror version would be as fragile as a baby bird. We survive repeated Borg attacks, invasion by extradimensional aliens from a billion years ago, and a half-dozen wars. They get killed by a breakfast implement."
In "Beneath the Skin," picking up on the events of Star Trek: Discovery, you need an astromycologist with access to classified Starfleet data. Since one isn't available, you head to the ever-useful holodeck to create one. Your holo-Paul Stamets doesn't work quite right at first — integrating the classified parts of his Starfleet career takes some overriding — but once you get him up and running:
Holo!Stamets: Please state the nature of mycelial emergency.
New Patrol "The Ninth Rule" features Daimon Madran in a damaged ship, who you at one point tow to a Federation ship to be arrested. He tries to bribe you with an assortment of outlandish items (generated randomly each time you play), including the real Sword of Kahless, the Tox Uhtaht (both of which have missions centering on them elsewhere in the game), and so on, but this one probably takes the cake:
Madran: I have a tunic worn by James T. Kirk! Mint condition, no rips!
The release of Discovery-era Constitution and D7 cruisers creates one. The D7 comes with a console that lets you recreate on of the (villainous) Moments of Awesome from Star Trek: Discovery: summing a Na'Qjej (Cleave Ship) to ram your target, dealing a rather large amount of damage, then stick around for a bit shooting things up. Try it on a Borg Unimatrix Vessel, and the Cleave Ship just kinda bounces off.
A new addition to the Zen Store is "Mudd's Market", run by Harry Mudd himself. The descriptions and titles of what he's selling accurately reflect his personality.
Amidst the carnage J'Ula and her followers cause in the great hall, one of the attendee's, Woruth note son of the council member who confronted M'Tara and got blown up during her first appearance , just stands there making drunken taunts.
Rom's introduction of free education leads to mass protests across Ferenginar as this was seen as impinging on traditional values. His solution? Charge all protesters ten slips of latinum for protesting without a permit and then charging a bar of latinum for a permit, with all proceeds going into an education fund.
When receiving your first shuttle as a Romulan commander, Subcommander Rehu informs you that you will need to fill out a series of forms... in triplicate. Fortunately, the game lets you fill in each form with the press of a button.
First Contact Day event. One of the events has the Player characters run around Bozeman, Montana, now a historical park, recreating the construction of the Phoenix with a scale model. What turns it into a Funny moment is that when they're being launched, Magic Carpet Ride starts blasting. The implication is that it's become a song of great historical importance in the Star Trek Universe.
The One Night in Bozeman has the Player Character, their away team, and Seven of Nine traveling to the first night of the movie to make sure everything stays on track during a slight shift in the timeline. It starts off with Seven being a little disappointed that the bombing run was like three torpedos and that's it. Then a random person asking if the Borg are Robots? Zombies? Robot Zombies?, which is followed by tracking down the Borg to Resource Node 1. A garbage dump. Seven is not happy. And lastly you stop the Borg from building a teleporter in a scrapyard. That alone is not funny, but one of the background details is. Rather than recycle, break down, or even move a rusted out car, the Borg assimilated it and then ran the power cable through the window frames as that was faster.
to test cold-weather gear. Or entering a Horta in an anbo-jyutsu
