Funny / Jake and Amir

• Amir's rant at the end of the Gulf Oil Spill episode is absolutely uproarious:
  Amir: You know, as sad as this whole thing is, it may the one catalyst that sort of springs us and the world in general to sort of think about alternative energy sources going forward.
  Jake: You may be right.
  Amir: Yeah... I was KIDDING, you idiot!...Yeah, how about an automobile that runs on ocean water so that when the ocean water spills into the ocean nobody gives a crap?...OH, NO, NO, WAIT! How about an automobile that runs on stupid ideas, so we can just hook up a pump to your ass and you can fart out these shitty ill-conceived notions for the rest of time, and we can power every car in America for the next 30 years! How about that?! ...Or what about thinking solar, for once?
  • From the same episode:
    Amir: I think the scariest thing isn't the rate at which the oil is spilling, but rather, spiders, okay, those things are freaky for real.
  • Amir: "Drill, baby, drill," huh, more like "kill baby krill."
    Jake: That's actually kind of clever.
    Amir: Yeah, if only "krill" was a word.
    Jake: Okay, never mind.
  • Amir: You know this whole thing wouldn't be an issue if oil was more dense than water, like I suggested?!
• Amir: Not one... nickel.
  Jake: Penny.
  Amir: FUU--
• From "Table Read 2":
  [read out completely deadpan from Amir's script]
  "Darryl holds up a laminated binder filled with every kind of bill. Twenties, fifties, even sixties and seventies. It's all good because it's all green. It's that guap shit...that makes rappers' hoes go 'da-na-na, na-na-na, na'. I'd punch my mother in the gut for 20 dollars."
• Amir's "carrot hands" from "NY vs LA".
  Jake: Worst hands... ever.
• Any sketch starring Penis Anthony Doubineux, better known as “Doobs”.
  Doobs: Is he dead yet, or is it not that kind of intervention!
  Jake: What type of interventions do you go to?
• The “Scroll” episodes typify Amir at his Talkative Loon-iest and typically feature him reading Jake a rhyming Top 10 list (Top 10 Vacation Ideas, Top 10 Fish to Fry, Top 10 Alternatives to Thanksgiving Turkey) consisting of nonsensical answers, Non Sequitur asides, and the occasional prediction of the future.
  Jake: ...So twice on this list of top ten fish to fry, you've suggested not frying the fish. Once you suggested we fry and eat Kevin Bacon. I mean, what is wrong with you? This is so bizarre. Why is this our interaction?
• In "Snack Attack," Jake attempts to coach Pat through an email to a girl while having a scuffle with Amir over a chocolate chip cookie. Pat not only writes down what he was told to write but everything else he hears the two of them say, resulting in the following:
  Hey,
  I'm watching you, so don't steal anyhting [sic] from me. It's been nice getting to know you and I'm going to break your fucking neck. You're soft and chewy. You've got beautiful eyes. Your eyes are like blue chocolate chips. Can you just do me a huge favor and leave me alone forever.
  You’re hurting me.
  I'm Sorry,
  Pat
  • It lands.
    Sarah: Oh my God, Pat!...This is beautiful.
• Ace and Jocelyn's Title Theme Tune.
  Ace and Jocelyn, Ace and Jocelyn
  From space and Jocelyn
  Astronaut accountants and they're coming to your face!
  If you love that shit, say na na na na na na na na na—Hey!!! Mom, close the door!
  • Jake breathlessly botching it up in "Hallie Part 4 + Ace and Jocelyn Episode 6."
    "Ace and Jocelyn, Ace and Jocelyn, from space or whatever, astronaut accountants na na na."
• The Personality Swap gradually taking hold over "Hallie Part III" leads up to a powerful visual punchline when Jake gives up on trying to get Amir, whose internet is down, to stop making dinner reservations on his computer and instead sits down at Amir's desk...
  Jake: Amir.
  Amir: What.
  Jake: Dinner tonight.
  Amir: Uh, no I can't, I'm going—
  Jake: (singing) Go to the D's!
  Amir: No, I'm going to—
  Jake: (singing) Go to the D's!
  Amir: —a different restaurant with Hallie. We're going on a date.
  Jake: Alright, yeah. (High-pitched voice) Wanna playa Snood on your computador-i? Play a little Snood sauce? Can I play some Snood sauce? Play a little Snood sauce—
  (Wide shot of the two at each other’s desks.)
  Amir: SHUT UP!!!
• Jake and Amir beating each other senseless in the hallway for a full minute while Sarah and Pat discuss them in "The Godfather." Especially the quick handslap between them at the end.
• The Stinger of "Video Chat," in which Murph and Amir finally switch back after they've been placed in each other's sections due to an office move, shows that Murph is exactly as wildly popular with his coworkers in the BustedTees area as Amir claimed to be the entire time he was working there. He even gets a kiss on the cheek from the same girl who laid an epic "The Reason You Suck" Speech on Amir earlier.
  Murph: (charging in) EYYYYYYYYY, WHAT'S UP BEST WORK STATION EVER?!?!
  Others: Murph! Murph! Murph! Murph!
• The entire "Rap Teacher" series, from Jake's increasing desperation and insecurity to the Running Gag about the coldness of aardvark semen.
• "April Fools Part 2”:
  Amir: Get the fuck away from that...water thing, I'm serious.
  Jake: The pool?
• Amir's "impression of a normal guy" in "Impersonation." Jake's silent, increasingly stricken reaction seals the deal.
  Amir: (takes off glasses, rubs eyes) You know what's a super neat invention? God, I don't know if it has a name, but those luggages on wheels are the most convenient thing in the world! Like, I graduated college three years ago and I find myself traveling a lot more, and just—the difference between holding one of these luggages and rolling them—it's night and day! It's absolutely night and day. And these airports are so expansive, I mean, have you been to the new airport at Atlanta? It's just—Terminal A's on one side of the city, I feel like I need to take an airplane to get to the other side of the airport! I mean, it's just absolutely obscene, and you know I'm a jogger. I mean, I like to jog. The problem isn't the jogging, it's—it's stopping. Right when I stop, I'm feeling this—this tightness in my arch and in my toes. And you know, I go to the orthopedic surgeon and he's telling me it's plantar fasciitis and I want a second recommendation, it's just unbelievable what kind of...And I am blabbing so much about myself, and I cannot believe how self-centered I've been. We should get some coffee one time this week. What are you doing on Thursday? I'm going to an opera. Or something, I don't know, some gay shit like that, it's just like a work in progress you know. I don't know. (Jake silently mouths the words "What the fuck.") All right (puts glasses back on, high-pitched voice) HERE'S A WOULD-YOU-RATHER THAT'S A FREESTYLE! Would you rather hump a moose, a big fat—(falls off exercise ball)
• In "Finale Part 1" the duo go from squabbling vehemently enough to interrupt the entire office to a perfect united front in seconds:
  Sam: You guys haven't done any work in the last eight years, and you're fired.
  Amir and Jake: (affronted) Ex-cuuuuuuuse?
• In "Explanation," Amir's Self-Serving Memory account of how Jake's Xbox got destroyed is enacted by the rest of the cast, leading to everybody talking and acting like Amir, Pat insulting himself repeatedly, and Murph introducing himself with a rap.
  Murph: Yo so, my name is Byron Murphy. I like to drink curffee.
  • The story ends with Amir proudly admitting that he broke the Xbox himself on purpose.
• In "Wikileaks" Jake calls Amir out for laughing at a joke about Julian Assange that he clearly doesn't get, but when Amir asks him to explain the joke, it becomes immediately clear that Jake is just as clueless on the subject as he is. Jake proceeds to spend the rest of the short floundering like a madman.
  Jake: I know who Mickey Mantle is. Number seven. The New York Yankees. How's that for stupid?
  Sarah: Yeah, but who's Julian Assange?
  Jake: Born "Mickey Charles Mantle." That's something you don't learn on Google.
  Pat: Yes you do.
  Jake: (standing up) Good lunch, everybody. I'm gonna go. Pat, you get joke of the lunch with the "Julian Assand" thing, which is a low five from me. (Offers his hand, retracts it before Pat reacts.) Too slow! I get runner-up, second-best joke of lunch with the "too slow" thing, looks like I'm too school for school (laughs)—sorry just kidding, "too cool for school," not a mess-up because I caught it first. Once again y'all are too slow and once again Julian Assand can—(does pelvic thrusts) uh! uh!—eat a penis pie 'til the day he die. This has been a Jake Hurwitz production, aka: I'M OUT!
  (Jake walks away, long silence.)
  Pat: ...That was weird!
• "Monopoly":
  Amir: Whoa! "Instant win." That's a pretty chill card.
  Jake: (takes card) "Go directly to jail."
  Amir: Yeah right, ha. What did I do to deserve that?
  Jake: Well, you're eating my hotel right now, for starters.
  (Amir spits out a hotel piece.)
• In "Videos" Amir gets increasingly overexcited while trying to explain some videos he's uploading to the site until Jake grabs him by the hair, forces his head back and talks him into going to sleep.
  Jake: (watching Amir sleep) ...I hate you so much.
• "Jake and Amir and Catan":
  • Amir: I'm sorry, one second, I'm texting, I, I wasn't listening.
    Jake: You can't even spell, how are you texting?
    Amir: Okay, it's very hard! Thanks for calling me out on it!
  • Jeff: And we are ready to settle Catan!
    Amir: Shut the FU—
  • Jake: Oh, I just got a text from Amir: "G-A-R-L-L-L-N. Question mark."
    Amir: Okay, that was a typo, it was supposed to be an exclamation point. I was excited.
  • The punchline.
    Amir: This next move's a real game-changer, so watch out. (grabs a yoga ball from under the table and bounces it on the board, scattering all the pieces) ...Don't act like you didn't expect that to happen.
• "Doobs" opens with Jake and Amir discussing a fine point of etiquette:
  Amir: Okay, you know what, I don't get it. Because "stay-at-home mom" is the politically correct term.
  Jake: Right, but you yelled "Stay at home, mom!", and you were talking to my mom.
• "Costumes" is a typical plotless Jump Cut episode about Amir listing ideas—in this case, trying on Halloween costumes—but Jake is dealing with Mood Whiplash throughout for reasons that are gradually revealed:
  Amir: (flops down on couch next to Jake wearing penguin costume) Costume number one!
  Jake: —Jesus Christ, man, you've been missing for two days! You can't just show up and say "Costume number one"!
  Amir: Pros: it's cute. I can pee in it.
  Jake: We thought you were dead!
  ...
  Amir: (wearing scrubs) You've just been diagnosed with bein' a bitch.
  Jake: ...We've been planning your funeral for an hour.
• In "Sandwich Email," Jake finds Amir gagged and tied to his chair for irritating the entire office with an email thread:
  Jake: First email from you came 49 minutes ago. "Anyone want half a bacon, egg and cheese sandwich? I tried to finish it, but can nay get her done. I'm full as a kite and I just might stop to eat you out."
  Amir: ... ... ... Email of the fucking YEAR.
  Jake: Not really.
• In "Realizations," Jake listening to songs Amir recorded and put on his iPod without permission.
  J is for Jake and A is for apple
  Nothing starts with K and E is for elephant
  I just thought of something that
  Starts with K, it's carrot
  Yo, it's carrot
  Amir: This next one's like, a hardcore rap song, so maybe turn down your iPod. (acoustic guitar) "YOOOOOOO! MOTHAFU—"
• The end of "Pizza" uses the same dialogue from earlier in the short with the roles reversed and quickly devolves:
  Amir: Forget it 'cause you're dumb?
  Jake: Forget it 'cause you don't know what the fuck you're talking about...ass!
  Amir: You're the ass, ass!
  Jake: You're the ass! Ass!
  Amir: Ass!
  Jake: Ass!
  Amir: Ass!
  Jake: Ass!
  (Beat.)
  Both: —ASS!
• The out-of-nowhere Rhymes on a Dime-filled Overly Long Gag conclusion of "iPhone Case."
  Jake: That's a disgrace. If it's a disgrace, then you've got a case!
  Amir: You think I've got a case?
  (A lawyer bumps his head on Jake's desk as he emerges from under it.)
  Lawyer: Did someone say they had a case?
  Jake: He's got a case.
  Lawyer: You were disgraced!
  Amir: I was disgraced. Do I have a case?
  Lawyer: Did they mace your face?
  Amir: They maced my face!
  Lawyer: Where was this place?
  Amir: A...subway space.
  Lawyer: ...What was the race?
  Amir: That's in poor taste.
  Lawyer: (noticing music playing offscreen) Is that Ace of Base?
• "Files":
  Jake: Did you delete all my computer files?
  Amir: Ugh, I so do not want to answer that question.
  Jake: Why?
  Amir: 'Cause like, either way I'm an asshole.
  Jake: Just one way. Really?
  Amir: Okay, let's say I say, "Yes, I did delete all your computer files." Then I'm like a big meanie, so.
  Jake: The other way?
  Amir: Uh, I guess the other way would be like, "All right, no, I didn't delete any of your computer files." Then it's like, ooh, I'm the asshole who deleted all your computer files and then lied about it to cover it up or something.
  Jake: Gotcha.
  Amir: You're damned if you do, damned if you don't.
• In "Seminar" Amir pulls a successful Bavarian Fire Drill and convinces everyone at a marketing seminar that he's the speaker, only to lose confidence instantly after two different members of his audience accept large bribes that he was offering rhetorically, forcing him to write out two huge checks before he's even begun the lecture. The result is that he basically ends up playing Jake to himself until Jake appears to fill the void.
  Amir: Now, what do I know about SEO? Nothing. That's right, I'm not an authority on anything. Fuck, guys, I'm not even a decent human being. Let's go to presentation. (Clicking through PowerPoint.) Blank slide. Test image. Blank slide. It should be a surprise to none of you that I don't know how to work a computer. (Shows slide with his own head badly superimposed onto the body of a topless female model.) That took me three years.
• Amir mocking Jake with an "insecure Jake"-style rhyme in "Secret Santa 2."
  Amir: What about you? You should put some mistletoe on that cameltoe, huh? Make the girls scream "Ho, ho, NOOOO!"
  Jake: ...Just go open your gift, you fucking sociopath.
• "Double Date":
  • Jake briefly suspends his horrified reaction to everything going on to comment on Murph's proposal to Emily in real-time like it's Amir's latest absurdity.
    Murph: Are you okay...with this? (Reveals ring.)
    Emily: ...Oh my god...
    Jake: How many rings do you have?!
    Murph: Emily Wayne Dolphin...I want to l-l-l-lick you for the rest of my life.
    Jake: Bad.
• "Oscar Pool 2":
  Streeter: Nobody likes you guys.
  Jake and Amir: We know!
• Jake gets to the point where he reacts with automatic exasperation when Amir lets out a "Mickey, my friend!" while on the phone. In the last example of the gag in the Grand Finale, it goes as far as his reacting to a 1-second snippet of the ringtone Amir has apparently preset for Mickey on his phone. (It's a certain Toni Basil song.)
  Jake: Don't get that.
• In "Hotel Room" Amir repeatedly prank-calls room service by making a detailed order and then requesting that they "shove it up [their] ass," pushing the envelope until the staff is sent up to the room. He winds up crying until the hotel clerk leaves out of sheer boredom, then dialing room service again while still in tears.
  Amir: Hello, room service? Yeah, can I have, like, a soup and can you shove it up your—your goddamn—yeah—your goddamn ass? Thank you. (To Jake:) They would. They said they're going to.