- "No Sex For Ben" by The Rapture, full stop.
- In the very first cutscene of the game, the two construction workers that burst the bubble on Roman's enthusiastic reunion with Niko.
Roman: MY COUSIN IS HERE! WE'RE GOING TO RULE THE WORLD!
Worker 1: Yeah, yeah, whatever, buddy. Just take over the world someplace else, alright?
Worker 2: Yeah, buddy!
Worker 1: You're in the goddamn way!
Worker 2: Take off!
- After killing Vlad, Niko then tells Roman why he came to America: to find the person who betrayed Niko's army squadron. Roman, amusingly, reacts how anyone would after what just happened.
Roman: Why are you telling me this now? Do you always get sentimental after you kill people?!Niko: You kept asking...
- Before hiring Niko for some jobs, Elizabeta warns him that she won't be as easy to work for as his previous boss Manny Escuela was. Niko disagrees. Why? "I won't have to listen to him talk!" Everybody has a good laugh over his quip, and chances are you'll be laughing along with them.
- When Elizabeta starts freaking out because she thinks the cops are on to her, Manny busts in with his camera crew, spewing obnoxious preaching at Elizabeta. She promptly pulls out a gun and shoots him in the face. Almost everyone playing through at this point will be rolling with laughter at this, since, well, it's Manny.
- This cutscene, also involving Manny and Jay, his God-awful camera man.
- In typical Grand Theft Auto fashion, the radio is littered with hilarious spoof advertisements and talk shows.
- Most of the intros to Brucie's missions, which usually involves him being stupid and either hurting himself, or getting Niko to hurt (or threaten to hurt) him. Also, the intro to the mission where Niko has to pretend to be gay. Including the profile that Roman sets up for him. Seeing Niko's mugshot-worthy face with the phrase "I am an vulnerable guy, who needs to be held by big strong arms" is hilarious.
Niko: Brucie, I don't need to see your balls. I'm good.
Niko: Brucie, are your balls OK? You sounded real mad.
- Despite being a hardened criminal and killer, Niko still makes the types of jokes a 12 year old would make regarding Brucie's balls. A notable one is when he calls Brucie to inform him he failed an Exotic Export mission.
- Almost all of Niko and Packie's back and forths with a Bound and Gagged Gracie Ancelotti in the mission "Diamonds Are a Girl's Best Friend" are gold. Actually, almost any time Packie is involved in a mission, or even just in the car, with Niko, it's usually pretty hilarious.
Niko: Scratch my fuckin' balls!
- Also from that mission strand: After Gracie wrestles with Niko in the car (while he's trying to drive) and threatens to scratch his eyes out, Niko replies with this gem of a line:
Niko: "Packie, my man. How are you and Gracie getting on?"Packie: "Like a house on fire, ain't that right, Gracie?"Gracie: (muffled through her gag) "You fucking bastards!"Packie: "See, she was just telling me how much she loved me. What do ya think of Niko, Gracie?"Gracie: "I fucking hate the both of you!"Packie: "Gracie, watch your mouth. Niko is a good friend of mine. Don't say that about him."Gracie: "Fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you!"Packie: "Gracie, you're sweet. I know I'm too good for him, but sometimes a guy has got to hang out with lowlifes like Niko here. He's got his uses."Gracie: "I'll give you some fucking uses!"Packie: "That's right, he is definitely a bad influence on me."Gracie: "Motherfucker!"
- And not to mention Niko punching and knocking the fuck out of Gracie.
- And his response? "Peace at last!"
- Niko and Packie have a lot of fun at her expense.
Niko: "Gracie, it's been too long. We should hang out more often."Gracie: "I'd rather see you hanging from a fucking tree!"Packie: "Hands off my woman, Bellic. Gracie and me is in love. Gonna get hitched. White picket fence and all that shit."Niko: "Packie, this is great. You've finally found a woman who will sit down and listen to your shit. Maybe you should bind and gag all the girls you meet?"Packie: "That might be okay where you're from, Niko. But this is an enlightened society we live in. U S of fucking A."Niko: "Real enlightened, real civilized. That's the impression I've got so far. An example to the rest of the world."Packie: "You know you love it, Niko. Doesn't he Gracie?"Gracie: "Motherfuckers!"Niko: "Maybe Gracie ain't so different. You normally just shove so much coke up a girl's nose that she may as well be tied up."Packie: "You're in a mood, ain't ya Niko? Is it finally beginning to sink in that my sister's chastity belt don't come off?"Niko: "Fuck you!"Packie: "Fuck you!"Gracie: "Fuck the both of you!"
- And version B if you failed the mission once:
Packie: There's got to be a pizza parlor on this island coz I ain't never seen so many Italians!
- During the mission "Waste Not Want Knots", while trying to steal from The Mafia:
- Listening to the Tuff Gong radio station (you know, the reggae one) causes some pretty hilarious soundtrack dissonance. A high-speed cop chase underlaid with somebody singing mellowly about a girl who likes to party and have a good time, or Bob Marley's "Three Little Birds". Then you'll hear the host warning the listeners not to buy the Excelsior razor, saying that "you might cut off ya nose".
- The pedestrians and the gang members' dialogue will make you laugh your ass off.
- If you, or a random person, fall from a tall building and die by hitting the sidewalk in a busy pedestrian area (Star Junction is ideal), Pedestrians will comment on suddenly finding someone fall out of the sky and land in front of them. Sometimes, they may even pull off a funny one-liner before you respawn!
- Niko is chasing a couple of scared mooks in a car on a highway, driving in the wrong lane, hellbent on exacting righteous retribution... as Roman and Jacob comment on how they've never seen much of Alderney and how much it's unlike Liberty.
- The Law Enforcement's dialogue, full stop, especially the fats cops and Alderney cops. Seriously, you will bust your gut every time they talk so hilarious.
- Niko's summation of not-so-stable gangster Ray Boccino.
Niko: "He's a rat doing an impression of a man."
- Drug dealer Playboy X needs the main character Niko to kill someone who has been talking trash behind his back. His description is... unhelpful.
Playboy X: Son ain't too diesel or nuthin', but he a regular lookin dude, knowwhatimean? And he don't flash his guac too much, but you can see it in his eye, he a hustler.Niko: Eh?PBX: Homie ain't too brollic, but he ain't scrawny neither, and he beats down on him a little you dig? I mean, he ain't too bummy, but he grimy, too.Niko: ...so he's the average one?PBX: Look, he brown skinned B, motherfucker be rockin' baggy clothes, all that, jewels and he stay fresh with the clean sneakers, knowwhatimean? But sometimes a bandanna.Niko:: Look. I need more than that to go on.PBX:: Jesus. Here, take this [camera phone], head down there, take a photo, send it to me, and I'll point out which one of them motherfuckers it is.
- Niko is looking for the guy who sold his army unit out. His first lead is some Florian Cravic. Ray finally gets a lead on him, and he takes Roman on his little revenge quest... Only to find that not only he's not the guy Niko's after, but he also changed a lot after going to America, changing his name to Bernie Crane, becoming a lifestyle instructor (as he says) and having an affair with... the Deputy Mayor, Bryce Dawkins. It's funny because you get Flamboyant Gay when you expect some kind of shady, dirty-looking dude as a traitor.
- The cutscene after the very first level. While a lot of it is funny, CMOF has to go to when Niko starts giving an introspective, very serious narration on his time in Serbian Army, which sounds like it could have come right out of the mouth of Solid Snake. Roman's response? He falls asleep.
Niko: ROMAN! Are you sleeping you FAT FUCK!?
- In the cutscene for the mission "Crime and Punishment", Mikhail's reaction to Andrei's...enhanced interrogation techniques is priceless.
Mikhail: Good lord...what are you doing?
Andrei: (Deadpan, hiding the saw behind his back) Nothing. I mean... I was finding out who he is...
Faustin: And? Who is he?
Andrei: He is... his cousin.
Faustin: You were about to cut up some guy in my house, making all that noise, to find out he is his cousin? [to Dimitri] Where did you find this idiot?
Dimitri: He was a friend of your sergeant, when we were in Vladivostok.
Faustin: He's an imbecile.
Niko: (Deadpan and obviously trying not to laugh) 'Oh no, I shit my pants.'Andrei: That's not good enough. I'm going to saw off your fucking arm. Speak!Niko: Okay, okay...your dad likes it up the ass...
- In fact, the beginning cutscene, while quite disturbing, is very hilarious, especially Niko's snarky comeback to Andrei.
Mikhail: So... Niko Bellic. You think it's okay to kill my employees?
- And there's Mikhail's Establishing Character Moment to Niko...
Dimitri: STOP SHOOTING PEOPLE, YOU MANIAC!
- And finally, everyone goes nuts when Roman's gag is removed and he starts screaming for his life, predictably ending with Mikhail shooting him in the gut to shut him up. Dimitri's reaction says it all.
- In "Do You Have Protection?", Dimitri lets Niko buy himself a new weapon, on Mikhail Faustin's account:
Dimitri: I want to buy you a present.Dimitri: Screw you.
- If you call Roman for a cab, and don't skip the journey, you can be treated to some nice banter between Niko and the rude and ever-complaining driver, Mohammed.
- Even after Dimitiri betrays Niko, Niko's casual response to Ray is pretty funny.
Ray Bulgarin: Where is our money?Niko: I don't know. I didn't rob you.
- Niko's reaction to hearing he's driving a truck rigged with a bomb (the delivery seals it).
Niko: Explosives?! What the FUCK?!
- When driving with a GPS, it usually makes a "bing-bong" tone to let you know when a turn is coming up. However, on the rare occasion, instead of making the tone, the voice itself says it.
- Getting Niko to try and get a cab while drunk is pretty hilarious.
- Some of Niko's lines if you hire a prostitute are hilarious:
Hooker: You want some company, honey?Niko: Sure, I don't hate myself enough.
Niko: That was great. You should do that for a living.
- Also, a classic:
- This video has Niko, as per usual, hijacking a car, while the guy in the car tells him that there will be consequences. Suddenly, a truck flies at Niko just as he starts driving away.
- In the intro cutscene for the mission "Shadow", Badman's barely comprehensible explanation of his problem. Niko's expression says it all.
- In the mission "Trespass", Niko has to whack an Ancelotti Capo, "Chubby Charlie", and eventually chases him to the roof of the Abandoned Factory, where Charlie hops onto a helicopter bound for "The Commission". Now, logic dictates you should shoot Charlie, but you have to take the helicopter down since Charlie told the pilot to deliver his message for him on the chance he gets whacked. BUT, if you shoot the helicopter down BEFORE shooting Charlie, you get treated to a nice cutscene where the helicopter crashes through the skylight of the factory, and hear Charlie's Famous Last Words; either screaming for his life as he goes down in flames, or... something more profane.
- Comments made by your friends while driving if you hit something.
Roman: This is crap! You can't drive!
- Some the comments Niko makes when he's driving roughshod all over the place can be entertaining, such as "Hope you had health insurance!" when he hits someone with a car.
- What happens when you turn the friction down to -9?
- "Welcome to Burger Shot, muthafucka!"
- Early on in the game, if you decide to go on a date with Michelle instead of saving Roman from the loan sharks, Roman has a few choice words to say to Niko when he picks him up from the hospital. Also, Niko insisting in his usual deadpan manner that "his breath does not smell of titty" is pretty funny.
Roman: (as soon as he gets into the car) That is the man who chose cooch before his cousin.
- What happens when you try to be a smartass?
- In Rigged to Blow, this can happen.
- Almost every interaction between Niko and the United Liberty Paper contact is funny. It almost seems like they're competing in deadpaniness.
Niko: We shot down that chopper for you.U.L. Paper contact: You think I don't know that? You think I've been sitting around scratching my balls with head up my ass?Niko: I'd be impressed if you had been.
Funny / Grand Theft Auto IV
Despite being more grounded in reality and serious than previous GTAs, there's still plenty of laughs to be had. The Lost and Damned and The Ballad of Gay Tony have their own Funny pages.