- "All we had to do was follow the damn train, CJ!"
- During the Mission Madd Dogg's Rhymes, one of MD's guards is playing a video game — which is evidently So Bad, It's Horrible, in a subtle Take That! note :
This sucks. I mean, how could Refractions
mess up so bad? Tanner
, you suck ass!
- Most of the time that Catalina confronts CJ with anger, you're guaranteed to hear CJ say: "What'd I do now?" as if he was always wrong from Catalina's perspective.
- This exchange:
Toreno's Henchman: This is all about speed and commitment. You got a GPS in the cab. Get to each set of map coordinates as quick as you can. Make it to all the coordinates then get the truck back here. Lose the truck and you fail.
CJ: First, what's a GPS? Second, fail what? And third, who the fuck are you?
Voicebox: Time to see what you're made of.
CJ: What it look like I'm made of? Pudding?
- Pretty much anytime the Grove Street OG's get in a car. For example, in Drive-Thru, there's Big Smoke's order at the Cluckin' Bell:
- Also, Big Smoke managing to eat the entire gang's takeaway meal while the others are having a shootout with another gang's car.
Ryder: Why you ain't blastin', Smoke?
Big Smoke: I'll shoot 'em when I'm done eatin'.
CJ: Quit stuffin' your motherfuckin' mouth! Let's go!
Big Smoke: I ain't stuffin' it homie, I'm enjoyin' my meal. Hey, kill that asshole! Shit, this a great sandwich!
Ryder: Smoke! Stop stuffin' your face and start popping them Ballas!
Big Smoke: I'm tryin' to enjoy my food!
Sweet: And those fools are tryin' to enjoy our death! Now, c'mon, Smoke, shoot!
Big Smoke: Hey, I'm just finishing my fries!
[Sweet's car slams deftly into the Ballas gangcar]
Big Smoke: My special!
Ryder: Oh shit, you got ketchup all over the seat!
Big Smoke: The business at hand, motherfucker, the business at hand!
Ryder: But these was clean pants!
- Sweet and Kendl argue over Kendl's "cholo motherfucker" boyfriend Cesar.
Sweet: Some things just aren't meant to happen. I mean, what if ya'll have kids? Leroy Hernandez? That don't sound good, girl.
Kendl: His name ain't Hernandez.
Sweet: Well, Leroy Lopez then.
Kendl: Or Lopez either, you racist fuck! That ain't how Moms raised us!
Sweet: I ain't racist. I just know how they feel about you. And look at you, you're dressed like a hooker!
Kendl: Oh, and I guess you two would know what a hooker look like, huh.
CJ: *matter-of-factly* You say that like it's a bad thing.
Kendl, Sweet: Shut up, Carl!
- And later on, Tenpenny tells CJ to call 555-WETIP and frame someone for drug possession.
CJ: Hey motherfucker, the code of the streets is that I don't snitch! I don't give a fuck if it kills you, me, my brother. Street cats don't call no cops!
Tenpenny: Carl, he's a D.A.!
CJ: ...yeah? Well, where I go find him?
- OG Loc has got to be the funniest character in the game. Not only does he break out into really lame raps all the time, but what really makes him funny is that we all know someone like him! Here's when he's rapping in the bathroom of Burger Shot:
OG Loc: Hey hey hey, it's OG Loc, homie, and I'm gonna kick it a little something like this... Hey yo', when I come through up in the place, you don't want me to call with a gun in your face, I feel it harder than anyone in the world could do, just like a...
(A man comes out of the toilet cubicle)
Man: Yo, that shit SUCKS! Damn! (leaves)
OG Loc: Damn—my shit was wack!
- For some dark humor, how about when CJ needs a silenced pistol?
CJ: (looking at the silenced pistol Cesar pulled out of nowhere) Where'd you get that?
Cesar: Same place I buy my pants, holmes. This is America!
- Anything Toreno says. Made twenty times funnier by the fact that it's James Woods doing the voice.
- Don't bother taking the flight school mission by completing side missions, and, after some increasingly urgent calls from Toreno, you get this:
Toreno: But that's fine, because, you know what, your brother is getting a new cellmate tonight. Horsecock Harry. And I'm sending them a present, little wedding present. Biiiiig' tube of lube.
CJ: Shit, dude, okay, okay, I swear man I'm gonna be the best pilot!
Toreno: I'd love to hear you, Carl, I can't hear you. All I can hear are the sound of your brother's love cries as eight kilometers of cock finds its way up his ass! "Aooooowww!" That's your brother, okay?
Toreno: GOT YOU AGAIN CARL! You're half asleep, I could have killed you in NINE different ways! Wake up and smell the coffee.
Carl: You need to lay OFF the coffee!
- Many scenes with Ryder. For example, when you go with him to do a little burglary:
: Let's storm the place! CJ
: Hold up! Let's creep in, grab the guns, and bounce out. Ryder
: Gyeah, gyeah, I got it, Ninja Style! Right! COME OUT, YOU OLD BASTARD! CJ
: Shut up! Ryder
: You can't stop me! You busta, Carl!
Ryder: Give up the money! This a raid!
- How about when CJ and the Truth are driving to San Fierro in the Mothership?
Truth: Go faster? The engine block's held together with a macrame hammock, and it's running on fifteen year old cooking oil!
Truth: Hey, you want a hit on this? A little Temple Charas in a cocktail with some Nepalese munga munga!
CJ: Put that thing out, man! I can't see.
Truth: Hey.... mellow out, brother, it's good shit.
CJ: Put it out, motherfucker, I'm warning you!
Truth: Woah! Chill the fuck out! Firstly, you are a real buzz killer, amigo.... and secondly, I never made love to my mother. She wouldn't.
- Toreno messing with CJ during the 'Vertical Bird' mission:
Toreno: You see? Child's play!
CJ: Fuck you, Toreno! I never want to go through this again! I think I'm gonna hurl...
Toreno: Ooh, what a big whiner, you want some cheese with that wine? Hey, you were spectacular. You know what, I'm beginning to think my little Carl is a double agent. Oooh.
CJ: Shut up, Toreno. Where do you want this thing?
Toreno: What thing? I don't know what you're talking about - you stole it. Got nothing to do with me, I don't know what you're talking about. See ya 'round.
CJ: Toreno? Toreno! Shit!
- Earlier in Vertical Bird.
Toreno: Sneak in the back without being seen. Once you're on the inside, I cannot help you.
CJ: Well, can you help me now?
Toreno: Oh, well, no. Actually, no.
- Yep, CJ gave Toreno pause.
- Toreno's mocking tone as he parodies the enemy pilot's warning to CJ, "Prepare to be vaporized."
- Oh yeah, and pretty much entirety of the mission where you have to find those two British guys in the desert.
: We faced the inner light and communed with the lizard king. CJ
: Sounds fun. How did it go? Truth
: That's the problem, I don't know. I'm in Los Santos. I woke up in a Japanese bathhouse about an hour ago. I have no idea how I got here or where the others are.
: Man, what the hell was y'all doing last night? Maccer
: Anybody got a rag? CJ
: ...Ehh, so where am I taking y'all?
: BUT I'M A FOOKING RAZBR'Y!!! Kent Paul
: YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING RASPBERRY!
(CJ and co. driving away from angry snake farm residents)
Maccer: Hey, what about the band?
Kent Paul: We'll just have to pray they've made it to civilization. Keyboardists and drummers are ten-a-penny anyway.
- In the cargo ship, the elderly Asian man responsible for setting up the refugees throws you a katana and yells that you two should duel with honor...or you can just shoot him, a la Raiders of the Lost Ark.
- Any time CJ and Woozie are interacting is bound to be hilarious.
Woozie: I'm blind, Carl, not stupid.
- Another particularly good moment comes during a pre-mission cutscene for one of Woozie's missions in Las Venturas, where Woozie and CJ are playing blackjack (paraphrased from memory):
Woozie: Hit me.
CJ: Are you sure, man?
Woozie: Yeah. I'm going for a five card hand. Come on.
CJ: Okay. *CJ puts another card down* Here. I'm gonna stick, what you got?
Woozie: ...How would I know? You tell me!
CJ: Not good, man. You got, uh... forty-seven.
Woozie: Damn! You're bad luck for me, you know. When I play the other guys, I always win!
- Before "You've Had Your Chips", one of the Mountain Cloud boys comes in with a pair of casino chips and offers them to Woozie.
- At the rendezvous point after the heist.
CJ: Where's Woozie?
Henchman: He insisted on driving himself. Could be anywhere.
- The second half of the final scene in the Johnson house.
Rosenberg enters with Madd Dogg, Maccer and Kent Paul. Sweet, CJ, and Cesar pull their pistols.
Rosenberg: Whoa, whoa. I come in peace with Mr. Dogg here who has an announcement.
Madd Dogg: My - I mean, OUR first gold record!
Everyone starts cheering.
Maccer: And I've decided to get breast implants.
Paul: Shut up, will ya?
He leads Maccer off into the kitchen.
CJ: Anyway, what's next?
Kendl: We should hit the casinos, roll some dice with Woozie.
Sweet: Nah, we gotta take care of shit here first.
Madd Dogg: We goin' on tour, fan!
Rosenberg: Has anyone got a tissue? My nose is...it just won't stop running - anybody?
Maccer: Yeah, I 'ave. Over 'ere.
Rosenberg: Uh...I'll pass.
- When Lazlow interviews OG Loc on Entertaining America:
OG Loc : I've been gangbanging since I was three. Ice cold killaaaa!
Lazlow: Excuse me? Gangbanging? I never really understood that, I mean, other guys in the room while you- ergh!
- Kent Paul tries to get Maccer to stop his self-gratification for a few minutes, but it doesn't work:
: No, Maccer, fight the urge!! Think of...Thatcher!
*It works up until the end of the cutscene where Paul sees...* Maccer
Thatcher! Thatcher! Thatcher! Thatcher! I LOVE YA, MAGGIE! Paul:
Agh, Maccer! You ain't right in the head, mate...
- Anything and everything on WCTR. You'd be lying if you didn't listen to it just to laugh.
- This conversation between CJ and Zero:
Berkley is back!! CJ
: Ooooh, Berkley... *beat* CJ
: Who the fuck is Berkley? Zero
: Just a man I once beat in fair competition. A man literally obsessed
with revenge. CJ
: Oh! You put hands on him? Zero
: NO! Please... I never initiate violence. CJ
: Oh, I know - you knocked his bitch! Zero
: No... I won the prize in a science fair. First
prize that is! *beat* CJ
: And now he wanna pop you?
...HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! And they say gangbangers is petty and small minded!
- Lonely Hearts on WCTR. Exhibit A:
: I wish my dog could talk and cuddle me all night... Fernando
: YOU! Stay away from animals! It's not legal, not even for me!
- The fact that Woozie is the best shot, next to the player (even then depending on the player), in the game, in spite of his blindness!
- The scene where CJ tells Woozie he's afraid of swimming:
CJ: When I was a kid, swimming out to Santa Maria, I once got a condom stuck to my face.
*Woozie cracks up.
CJ: Horror like that stays with you for life, believe that.
- Another CJ/Woozie scene where Woozie manages to beat CJ in a driving video game.
- The chats between CJ and Catalina are mostly just hilarious, especially while driving during missions. Bonus points if playing unfitting radio music. (e.g playing country music while Catalina insults CJ for going soft.)
- During the first part of "Breaking the bank at Caligula's", after you get the triads in, Woozie says "Ok team, I've gone over the layout of this place so I know it back to front. Everybody follow me!" Cue him walking straight into a wall, and claiming that the casino owners have changed the layout.
- CJ goes to visit Smoke and after getting to the door Tenpenny walks out. After a beat he leans in and yells "BOO!". CJ's deadpan "Asshole" just caps the moment off.
- Arguably funnier in the Let's Play, where the moment where Tenpenny walks out of Smoke's house, and the moment where he goes "BOO!", is interrupted by a session break! That's got to be the king of all Delayed Reactions.
- In the opening cutscene for the mission "Body Harvest", CJ enters the hotel room the Truth told him to go to, where he finds Tenpenny. Stoned off his ass due to smoking a bong. It goes without saying that Stoned!Samuel L. Jackson is pretty hilarious.
Truth here is gonna supply you with the finest...*hits bong*...weed.
I got a real do-gooder fuckin' with me, and I want you to take this little green poison... *hits bong again* and drop it on him! (giggles like a schoolboy
(stifled laughter) "Hey what's happening? Oh, is this "undercover training"
? Oh no, you must be off duty."
- In the cutscene for Dam and Blast, CJ is kicking extra bystanders out of the room where he is planning his big heist, the only one left is a janitor.
CJ: Hey, what are you still doing here?
Janitor: I live here.
CJ: Oh, ok, you can stay. He actually does stay, all the way through the big heist at Caligula's
- In the mission Stowaway, CJ is required to jump out of a plane with a parachute at the end. It's actually possible to jump out without a parachute. If the player does this, they're treated to an extra cutscene that depicts CJ going splat on a car roof. What did you think was going to happen?!
- In "Up, Up And Away!", the heist crew needs to steal an armored car, and Zero suggests using a helicopter with an electromagnet attached to grab one off the ground and airlift it elsewhere. CJ is the only one there who knows how to fly a real chopper, so he reluctantly agrees to do so. Zero references his missions at the end of the conversation, including the last one where you used a toy RC helicopter to pick up and drop all sorts of things:
[enthusiastic] It'll be just like fighting Berkley, but only bigger! CJ:
Yeah. Thanks for that.
- Before Zero's final battle against Berkley (using RC toys to fight on a large model landscape, with the loser having to leave San Fierro forever), he gives a somber speech to CJ as though defeat will mean his death. Remember that these missions are unlocked by purchasing the deed to Zero's shop.
Zero: Here are some letters. I've left everything to you in case I don't make it. Please.
CJ: [After glancing at the letters] I already own it!
- CJ & the others at the garage have gone into business stealing and selling cars, specific cars requested by their customers. Cesar spots one of the cars on the list and follows it, waiting for the woman driving it to stop so he can take it. He can't do anything to damage the car since the customer won't pay for a damaged car, so he has to wait for the woman to stop. But she never stops. Cesar is furious with her for never stopping.
- From Running Dog:
LS Vagos: Eh, fuck you cabrón.
Now that ain't nice. Coughio up el weedo
, before I blow your brains all over the patio.
- From Big Smoke's introductory cutscene:
: Like it says in the book
, we are blessed and
- From one of Sweet's early missions, "Cleaning the Hood", in the cutscene when Ryder and CJ enter the Balla crack den.
Ryder: Good afternoon, Balla dope pushers! Grove Street OG's come to do damage! (Hits the doped-out crack dealer with a bat. Some more Ballas confront him.)
Balla: Fuck them Grove Street fools!
(The cutscene ends, and CJ and Ryder attack the rest of the Ballas.)
Balla: Grove Street's goin' down!
Ryder: (To CJ) Ninja these motherfuckers!
- Do cheats count? One cheat for the San Andreas has cars float away straight up when hit. Or at an angle if hit as such. Playing handball with a station wagon on the streets of San Fierro and then waving bye-bye as the screaming passengers ascend towards the moon? Utterly magnificent. And here Hillary Clinton was complaining about a hacked sex mod when an easily entered code sends cars full of people asphyxiating miles above the earth.
- Another cheat assigns aircraft characteristics to cars, allowing the player to fly any land-based vehicle like an aircraft. This affect even extends to the tank, making for one of the funnest joyrides in any video game ever.
- Speaking of tanks, they can be rather amusing themselves. They try to steamroll you flat, or bump your vehicle lethally, or end up clipping into something that ends up having them bounce or launch into the air, sometimes even spinning rapidly. And with the flying cars cheat, you may end up bailing out of the car, and having your car just bounce off the top of the tank. It'll hardly notice it was you.
- This game adds a random peds event where police has car chases with random criminals. It's funny as it is so random.
- Try using a spray can or a fire extinguisher inside a fast food restaurant, they'll act like as if you shot a gun. Appearantely, fast-food cashiers are really scared of a paint spray can and a fire extinguisher, despite the Burger Shot & Well Stacked Pizza cashiers being okay with having fire extinguishers in the kitchen.
- Most of CJ's dialogue outside of cutscenes is freaking gold:
"You a professional moron, or just a gifted amateur?"
"It's my constitutional right, fool!"
"Come on, do I look like a gangster? I'm a businessman!"
"What kind of license you got? Fishing license?"
"Did you buy/steal your license?!"
"What in fuck's name are you doin'?!"
"Are you allowed to drive if you're blind?!"
"You complete fuckin' moron!"
"You wrecked my shit!"
- A subset of the above dialogue is the snippets of songs he sings during his Idle Animation:
- Getting CJ really fat makes him say things like this:
- "You wanna look like swiss cheese?"
- "Yeah, fat fool's packin', bitch!"
- "Lunch money!"
- Wait for a traffic jam on the highway (or just make one), then blow up a car toward the middle. All the cars around it will explode... and all the ones near those... and all the ones near those... And so on.
- As in Grand Theft Auto III, the cops chasing you in the helicopter have some pretty funny lines.
Co-Pilot: Why do I always do the shooting?
Pilot: Because I'm a pacifist! Kill him!
Pilot: Man, stop photographing those women and shoot the bastard!
Co-Pilot: Hey, shut up!
Pilot: You! Stop!
Co-Pilot: Just shoot him, you pussy!
Co-Pilot: Hey, I can see my house from here!
Pilot: Hey, will you shut the hell up! You, stop!
Pilot: SHOOT THAT ASSHOLE!
Co-Pilot: I'm trying, I'm trying!
Pilot: [after the chase has gone on for a while] This is aerial support—
Co-Pilot: I think he knows that by now.
Co-Pilot: I'm going to kill this guy!
Pilot: Make sure it's the right guy this time!
Co-Pilot: I see her! She's beautiful!
Pilot: HE'S over there! He's a GUY!
Co-Pilot: You can start praying now, suspect!
Pilot: [sarcastically] Oh, you sound really butch.
- The low flying two-people planes sometimes glitch and crash. This was kept in on purpose by the programmers because it was awesome.
- One possible response when you take someone's car:
Carjacking victim: "You can take it! I need the insurance money."
- If you get the cops chasing you in San Fierro and flee on foot, sometimes a cop will cheerfully shout "I love your non-polluting escape tactic!" while shooting at you.
- Stunt planes may often fly through the sky sometimes...except if you're on Mount Chiliad, which it ends up crashing into and exploding. It can be pretty entertaining to watch...as long as it isn't a hazard.
- CJ's banter during a high wanted level can be rather amusing:
"Ay, go chase some other fool!"
(while driving) "I can't believe this shit!"
"Ain't ya got nothing better to do?!"
- From the radio advert for Redwood Cigarettes:
Woman: Redwood Cigarettes - proud sponsor of the LS City Marathon.
- While the User Track Player is a great feature on its own on the PC version, you can also add seemingly anything to it. For example, you could put in some of the game's own Memetic Mutation note and have that playing in your car radio without a problem.
- Whenever CJ gets busted, he has a variety of unique quotes depending on whether he's gangsta (default), rich, fat, or at 4-6 stars.
"You get job satisfaction, huh, one-time?!"
"You just a punk, po-po!"
"You gotta understand, I don't give a fuck!"
"I'm being arrested by a bitch?! I can't believe that!"
"Let me go, bitch!"
"You better lock me up, cause otherwise, you're dead!"
"Tell it to yo' wife or husband or whoever you got!"
"I can't run no more, po-po." (when fat)
"I'm tired of running. And I'm tired of yo' shit!" (when fat)
"I'll ruin your career for this!" (when rich)
"I swear I didn't do shit." (when rich)
"C'mon, sir! I'm an honest man!" (when rich)
"I got money, officer. Take it! Make your wife happy!" (when rich)
"Shut the fuck up, bitch!" (4-6 stars)
"You suck, asshole!" (4-6 stars)
"I'll find you, fool!" (4-6 stars)
- CJ has unique quotes whenever he falls from a great height without a parachute.
"I hate gravity!"
"I don't need this shit!"
"Aw, hell no!"
"What the fuck?!"
"Oh, fuck! Shit!"