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Funny: Castle
Here's some funny from Castle:

  • When the team wear bullet-proof vests captioned POLICE, Castle wears one as well... but his vest reads WRITER. Castle special-ordered the vest at the beginning of the series. A hilarious Running Gag.
  • The Teaser of "Always Buy Retail" ends with Castle having the oddest look on his face for someone being orally serviced.
    • Another bit of funny in "Always Buy Retail" is when Castle, for once, gets to tease Beckett, and makes Caskett shippers squee in the process:
    Beckett: You probably saved my life.
    Castle: Probably? I definitely saved your life. And you know what that means, don't you? It means you owe me.
    Beckett: Owe you what?
    Castle: Whatever... I... want. [starts slowly approaching Beckett, who has a dazed, slack-jawed expression on her face] And you know... exactly... what I want, don't you? You know what I really... really want you to do...?
    [He leans in to whisper in her ear]
    Castle: Never... ever... call me "kitten."
    [Castle backs off and walks away, looking incredibly smug and self-satisfied, leaving Beckett stunned for a few seconds... then she recovers, grins, and bites her lip]
  • The climax of "Home is Where The Heart Stops." Just watch.
    • Panananah nanah nah nah, panananah nanah!
    • Even better? After that episode, pay close attention to the music playing whenever Castle gets himself an action sequence!
    • And after that action sequence, Castle starts humming again before Beckett shuts him up.
    • In the episode "Last Call", the pianist plays a few bars after he sees Castle.
  • In the episode "Lucky Stiff", Beckett & co. move in to arrest a pair of murder suspects, who are in the middle of recording a rap with the title (or at least the recurring motif) "Get On The Floor". Beckett orders the technician to cut the music.
    Suspect: What the hell, yo, that was slammin'!
    Castle: Three armed cops and a writer makes four. You're under arrest - so get on the floor.
    • Even better, after the case, Beckett sings the same song while playing guitar.
  • Guess who's got a date with a prostitute?
    • From the outtakes: "What's got two thumbs, and a date with a prostitute?" THIS GUY! (0:20)
  • The bathroom stall scene at the end of "Fool Me Once": Beckett sneaks into a girls bathroom stall to finally start reading Heat Wave only for Castle to pop up in the stall next to her, effectively scaring the shit out of her to the point where she can't form anything other than a sputtered "WHAT???". Castle only came in to tell her that the sex scene between Rook and Nikki happens on page 105 and then leaves. Beckett sits stunned for a moment, bites her lip, and then actually turns to page 105. The look on her face as she reads is priceless. Oh heck, why not read it yourself.
    • And once you're done reading the chapter, you can see Beckett's reaction to the alleged scene here. The drastic change of her expression is great. It's almost like she's saying to herself, "OK, he's gone, I can stop pretending to be outraged."
  • The opening of "Vampire Weekend": "Didn't you wear that like, five years ago?"
  • "... Or else Father won't be quite himself tonight... Muhahahahahahahahahaha—* cough* "
  • Infomercial mogul/drug smuggler Johnny Vong. "I come to this country on a boat—now, I OWN A BOAT!" Complete with Castle and Esposito imitating him with the goofiest looks on their faces.
    • "I OWN A BOAT!" recited by Johnny Vong, Castle, and Esposito IN UNISON, don't forget.
  • In "The Third Man", after Beckett hears about Castle dating Bachelorette #3:
    Beckett: I have no life.
    Lanie: No, Mr. Bishop (indicates the Body Of The Week) has no life. That's why he's on my table.
  • There's also the bit in "Tick, Tick, Tick..." when the FBI agent talks about how Nikki Heat and Jameson Rook had sex in the book, and Beckett denies she and Castle have. Leonard Roberts' character has the oddest not-quite-a-smirk on his face as he turns away.
    • And in the same episode, Beckett is surprised to learn that FBI Special Agent Jordan Durham is a mother. This comes in handy, however, when she has to tell Castle (who acts like a twelve year old) to stop playing with the high-tech gadgets in the back of the specially equipped SUV.
      Durham: Put. The Taser. Down.
    • Also in "Tick, Tick, Tick..." Castle takes some creative liberty with the engraved bullets that spell out "NIKKI":
    Look, it spells "Kinki!"
  • One line in "Boom" had Firefly fans laughing:
    Castle: (reacting to shooting the gun out of the bad guy's hand) I was aiming for his head!
  • The beginning of "Boom," when Castle found Beckett alive, hiding in her bathtub.
    Castle: (seeing Beckett) Kate! You're alive! Oh, and you're naked!
    • Beckett, feeling supremely awkward about this, keeps asking for something to cover herself (a towel, her robe), with the recurring problem that they're all on fire.
    • The conclusion of that scene:
    Castle: Are you in any pain?
    Beckett: Well, not nearly as much as you. It's killing you, isn't it.
    Castle: What?
    Beckett: Having to wait this long to tell me how you banged down the door.
    Castle: You want me to start from the beginning?
  • "His alibi checks out...looks like he WAS coaching an underprivileged youth basketball league, after all."
    • Castle, utterly miserable with jealousy at the too-good-to-be-trueness: "Oh, geez."
  • In "Den of Thieves", Beckett calls Demming, whom she's been semi-flirting with since the episode began (Castle is less than pleased, of course). He is already walking in the room, though:
    Beckett: I was just calling you!
    Demming: What a coincidence. I was just coming to see you.
    Castle: Wow. It's like we're all on the same case.
  • Pretty much all of "The Mistress Always Spanks Twice" but especially this bit:
    Lanie: Look, I'll do the chocolate, I'll even do the whipped cream bikini, but caramel? I prefer slippery to sticky.
    Castle: (grabs Ryan's arm) Does she know we can hear her?
    • Just the phrase "dominatrix-client privilege" is hysterical enough.
    • The utterly sweet, Adorkable Ryan being completely out of his element around the very sexually forward ladies in the club, and the ladies leading him around by the nose because of it.
    • Esposito is reduced to shocked submissiveness after one of the mistresses makes him take off her tightly laced boots.
  • The entire sequence of Castle and Alexis playing laser tag, complete with made up roles to play.
    Castle: Run, young rebel, but you'll never defeat the forces of Voltar!
  • "We are so totally doing battle on the field of honor here, Mom!"
  • Also, in Overkill:
    Castle: (demonstrating a shaving cream) This stuff will change your life! (squirts it onto Esposito's hand)
    Esposito: (in surprise) It's hot!
    Castle: It's hot!
    Ryan: It's hot?
    Castle: It's hot! (squirts some onto Ryan's hand)
    Ryan: It's hot!
    • Who knew that repeating two words five times could be one of the funniest moments of an episode?
    • The best part is that it cuts to Lanie and Beckett, who are watching them and rolling their eyes, obviously thinking "Boys!"
    "This is like Sex in the City, only with boys..."
  • In "Food to Die For", Alexis is upset as she is torn between going to the Hamptons for the weekend or studying for her upcoming exams. Castle, meanwhile, is playing with some liquid nitrogen, and comes up with a solution...
    Castle: Maybe by this weekend Iíll find a way to take this tank of liquid nitrogen and build it into a weather machine. Iíll make it rain, your friends will have to cancel their trip, you wonít have to choose and then, we can take over the world! Mwahahahaha!
    Alexis: Not helpful.
    Castle: But evil!
    • A moment later he drops his watch into the solution and then comments, "Look, I froze time."
  • Another gem in "Food to Die For" that sends Caskett shippers squeeing. Beckett suspects her old high school best friend of being the killer and ends up taking Madison downtown in the middle of the latter's date with Castle. Beckett and Castle argue like an old married couple, but what follows is priceless. Note how she doesn't deny what Madison is saying.
    Madison: No, I get it. You're hot for Castle. You wanna make little Castle babies!
    Beckett: Maddie! He can hear us!
    • And afterwards, Castle confirms that he did hear everything. Beckett actually gets disoriented for a while after that.
  • Castle's over the top reaction to a sleazy suspect's alibi. Seen here.
    Castle: You are LAME! YOU ARE SO LAME! La-la-la-la-laaaaaaaaaame!
    • What makes it funnier is that he's shouting so loud, you can hear a faintly muffled "LAAAAME!" from inside the interrogation room.
    Castle: You are lamey McLamster!
  • This exchange between Castle and Beckett in Famous Last Words while discussing whether or not the current suspect looks capable of murder.
    Castle: Does he look like a killer to you?
    Beckett: Everyone looks like a killer to me. It's a job requirement.
    Castle(narrowing eyes): Do I look like a killer to you?
    Beckett: Yes. You kill my patience.
  • Castle's explanation of how a man was killed with a 200 year old bullet turns out to be... time-traveling killer. Normally, this would be par for the course if he hadn't turned around with a huge smile and hand up for a high-five which is promptly ignored by Beckett and Lanie.
  • "I'm giving you the bird."
  • "I got it! She didn't vote for Obama!"
  • The scene in Sally Niedermeyer's apartment in "Kill the Messenger". First the team breaks into her apartment, in full SWAT gear, expecting to find a dangerous terrorist but instead find a little old lady in a rocking chair with an oxygen cannula. In the next scene Kate is apologizing to Mrs. Niedermeyer, the door is being fixed - and Castle, Esposito and Ryan are sitting on the couch with cups of tea and cats on their laps.
    • Which makes you wonder: did she get up to make them tea, or did she have them do it?
  • This moment:
    Castle: What turned you off, that he was wearing a rug? [Beat] Too soon?
  • And this one:
    Castle: How often do people die in neighborhoods like this?
    Beckett: Same as all the other neighborhoods, Castle. Just the once.
  • "So...she was stabbed with the Washington Monument?"
  • One Visual Pun happened when Beckett was trying to get a suspect (a stripper) to come with her. Beckett tells him to "cool it," but he doesn't listen. More firefighter strippers surround Beckett. Then Castle comes with a fire extinguisher and cools them down for her.
    • Later on, when interviewing the stripper in question, he tells them his name is Hans von Mannschaft and speaks in a (painful) pseudo-German accent. He initially keeps up appearances; when Castle tells him his name is a little too obvious, he says he's from a long line of proud von Mannschafts. When Beckett finally dropped the bombshell that he's being questioned for a murder, his Eurotrash demeanor and his accent disappears. Castle tells him, "Be careful, von Mannschaft, your New Jersey is showing."
  • Beckett being confronted with her past as a model.
  • In He's Dead, She's Dead, when Beckett reads out the victim's letter predicting her own murder, Castle makes a sound between a gasp and a squeak that is so hilarious it just had to be ad-libbed.
  • "Sure, if it's okay with your gun." (Beat) "I mean, dad."
    • After Castle's inadvertent Twerp Sweating has caused Ashley to spend a minute or two hysterically blabbering about how much he respects Alexis and Castle himself before leaving, Castle's deadpan reaction is priceless:
  • Castle tries to interrogate Beckett on what she wears beneath her clothes. The look on his face after he suggests "Commando?" may cause sides to split.
  • Pretty much the entire episode, "Nikki Heat," which is little more than an excuse to have two Becketts on-screen at the same time.
    • It starts with Natalie Rhodes beginning to mirror Beckett's mannerisms.
      Ryan: So uncanny.
      Esposito: Spooky.
      Castle: Sexy.
    • Later, she receives an item to "help with [her] research." Two scenes later...
      Beckett: I contacted other precincts to find out who else is investigating her and for what.
      Rhodes: (walks into the room with Beckett-styled wig and pantsuit) Talk to enough people, something usually shakes out.
      Castle: (pencil falls out of hand, as Beckett stares at Rhodes) Just like I dreamed it...
      Beckett: (GLARES at Castle)
      Castle: ...Did I say that out loud?
      This scene just keeps on giving, as it is immediately followed by...
      Random officer: (enters and hands Rhodes a report) Here you go, Beckett.
      Rhodes: Thanks, Johnson. (turns to Beckett) It's "Johnson," isn't it?
      Beckett: (agitatedly snatches the report) It's Velazquez. And you are not me.
      And then capped off with...
      Beckett: (harsh whispering after Rhodes leaves) You cannot tell me that that is normal.
      Castle: (softly) She's just committed to the role. (leaving the office) You should be flattered.
      Beckett: (to self) Yeah. Sure. Until she steals my boyfriend and kills me in my sleep.
    • The morning after Rhodes tries to seduce Castle, she talks to Beckett:
      Rhodes: Can I ask you a question?
      Beckett: Sure. (takes a huge swig of coffee)
      Rhodes: (beat) Is Castle gay?
      Beckett: (huge spittake)
      After a thorough deconstruction/lampshading of the Caskett UST, she asks...
      Rhodes: You're Nikki Heat, he's Jameson Rook. I need to sleep with him in the name of character research. Could you talk to him?
      Beckett: (completely dumbfounded) And say what?
      Rhodes: I dunno, give him permission or something.
      Beckett: (mouths a few words, then settles on:) I need to go... (points in random direction) over there. (exeunt stage left)
    • Next scene, Beckett observing Rhodes doing an uncanny impression of her at the whiteboard. She is subsequently joined by Castle:
      Castle: Everything okay?
      Beckett: Do I really do that?
      Castle: Yes. And it's adorable.
      Beckett: If it's so adorable, why didn't you sleep with me? (beat) Her me, not me me.
      Castle: Oh. Well, a fictional character that I wrote, based on you, played by Natalie Rhodes? It's just...way too meta.
      And then Ryan.
      Ryan: We should have a code word so we know which Beckett to kill when our clone army attacks.
      Beckett: Unless we make a pre-emptive strike.
      And then Esposito.
      Esposito: What're you guys doing?
      Ryan: Hiding from Creepy!Beckett.
      Beckett: (exasperated) We're not hid... (gives up) What did you find?
    • Whenever Ryan is around Natalie Rhodes, who happens to be not only a favourite actress but one of his 'freebie five', he gets an instant case of foot-in-mouth syndrome. The results are hilarious.
      Castle: [After Rhodes has just accurately mimicked one of Beckett's statements in an interrogation] Wow, that was a really good Beckett.
      Ryan: Yeah. Almost creepy-great. Not that you're creepy. Just... great.
    • Which, after a misunderstanding with his girlfriend leads to a fight between them, eventually leads to this encounter between Ryan and Natalie:
      Beckett: She thought you lied to her.
      Ryan: Yeah. And then she found out I was working with you [Natalie Rhodes], which I hadn't told her...
      Natalie Rhodes: What's the big deal about that?
      Ryan:... You're on my list.
      Natalie Rhodes: What list?
      Ryan: My list. My 'freebie five'. [The others begin to look alternately amused and mortified as Ryan explains further:] The five celebrities you could sleep with if you had the chance to... [Realizes he's saying this to her face] And, ah, now she thinks that last night we... A-and I should probably stop talking right now I should call her is what I should do. [Scurries away as quick as he can]
      Natalie Rhodes: [Beaming] 'Freebie five', huh? Wonder what number I am.
      Beckett: Why does that not surprise me?
    • And who could forget that one scene where not only does Natalie Rhodes debrief Castle about the investigation- stealing a particular detective's thunder, but also grabs the coffee from him that was supposedly for Beckett?
      *After Beckett practically dragging Castle to a nearby room*
      Beckett: She took my coffee, Castle!
      Castle: It's just coffee...
      Beckett: Then what's next? My soul?!
  • Esposito to a man torturing him and Ryan. "You're too late! The cops already know about...me and your mom."
  • Castle's attempt at butching up.
  • In "Almost Famous" the case takes Ryan and Esposito to a male striptease agency which, coincidentally, is holding tryouts that day. As soon as they walk in the door, the owner matter-of-factly sizes them up, informs the athletic Esposito he already has enough 'A-Rods' note  on his books, but informs Ryan that he does have women requesting 'that skinny Twilight dude like crazy', tosses him a male g-string to try on and informs him it's 'one size fits all, we can pad if need be'. Once the situation has been cleared up:
    Ryan: I can assure you, this wouldn't fit.
    Owner: [Smirks knowingly] That's what they all say.
    • And it keeps on giving; later, while Ryan is making the pair an expresso each and soliloquising about the unfortunate fate of their victim, a male stripper who had hopes of becoming a professional actor but kept failing, Esposito is behind his back checking out his abs in a window reflection before spontaneously beginning exercises. Apparently the 'A-Rod' crack earlier stung a little:
    Ryan: ... What the hell are you doing?
    Esposito: 'Up to his ears in A-Rods'?! I got an A-Rod for that son-of-a-bitch; three years varsity ball, two years Special Forces triathlon and NYPD police calendar 2007. [At Ryan's expression] What?!
    Ryan: [Long-suffering, 'I've heard this all before'] It was a group photo.
    Esposito: I got letters.
    Ryan: You got three. Two of 'em from your mom.
    Esposito: One of them was from my mom.
    Ryan: ['Whatever you say, dude'] Sure.
    Esposito: ... Twilight my ass. [Storms off]
  • From 3x06 "3XK":
    Montgomery: Feds say heís a white male, 25 to 45 years old.
    Castle: Could be me.
    Montgomery: With a dysfunctional relationship with his mother.
    Castle: Still me.
    Montgomery: He has a menial, unimportant job.
    Beckett: Definitely you.
    Castle: Just for that, Iím basing my next book on Esposito.
    • Made even more hilarious by Beckett's shocked look.
  • It's mostly a serious and pretty grim episode, but "Knockdown" still has at least one laugh-out-loud moment; when Esposito and Ryan are getting a fingerprint sample off the arm of a witness, a rather excitable and apparently not-entirely-stable young woman who excitedly jabbers about how she always attracts jerks, like the guy who once faked his own death to get out of a relationship with her, only for her to run into him in a bar. At this point, Ryan — who, like Esposito, has been listening to all this with an expression crossed between long-suffering patience and mild alarm — blurts out "Unbelievable!" which gets the perfect response from Esposito; a Death Glare which conveys the sentiment 'dude, don't encourage her,' as loudly as is possible for a non-verbal facial expression.
    • The greatest timed "your mom" crack ever, brought up above.
    • How about Castle's mini-fangirl moment after the Big Damn Kiss, both the way he accidentally muttered, "That was amazing" and then touched his face right before they go in to retrieve Ryan and Esposito? Hilarious.
    • Also, Beckett calling Castle "Chuck Norris" after he pounced on Lockwood and beat the snot out of him.
  • In Overkill, the entirety of the 'cry talk' scene. It may be a cliche, but there's a reason people still use it.
  • "Setup" is a pretty serious episode, but there is one pretty funny scene where Lanie accidentally calls Esposito 'baby' while at the victim's crime scheme and of course there's a bit of teasing involved.
    Lanie: (to Esposito) Not everything, baby.
    Beckett: (whispers) Did you just call him baby?
    Lanie: (makes a face) Ooh. Did I?
    Castle: (mouths) You did.
    • You havenīt heard of the Serenity?
    • "Best. Dad. EVER."
  • In "Countdown", Castle's reaction to saving himself, Beckett, and the entire city by yanking out all the wires to the dirty bomb. It may cause sides to split. Doubles as a Crowning Moment Of Awesome as well.
  • In "Close Encounters of a Murderous Kind", with Esposito's "Is that what the kids are calling it these days?" to Castle and Beckett's insistance that the marks on their necks from knockout injectors are definitely not hickeys. Then Ryan walks in.
    Ryan: Hey. Those hickeys?
    Esposito: Yes.
    Beckett: No.
    Castle: I wish.
    Ryan: ...Okay.
    • Also notice how, when Castle first mentions that he wished they were hickeys, Beckett is smiling.
    • The Shout Outs to The X-Files were really amusing. Especially "It's the cigarette smoking man!"
  • The end of "Hell Hath No Fury", in which Beckett — finally getting some comeuppance for Castle's casual disrupting of her life and routine — sneaks into a reading he's hosting at a bookshop and distracts him through her decision to wear a gorgeous pink dress. Score one for Beckett... until, at the end of the scene, she learns what the character he's basing on her is to be called:
    Beckett: What kind of name is 'Nikki Heat'?
    Castle: A cop name.
    Beckett: It's a stripper name.
    Castle: Well, I told you she was kinda slutty.
    Beckett: Change it, Castle.
    Castle: Hang on a sec. Think of the titles! Summer Heat, Heat Wave... In Heat.
    Beckett: ... Change the name, Castle.
    Castle: No.
    Beckett: [Moving forward threateningly] Yes.
    Castle: [Casually picking up a nearby cardboard cutout of himself and holding it in front of him like a shield] No. Sorry.
    Beckett: Castle...
    Castle: I have artistic integrity, Beckett...
    Beckett: 'Artistic integrity'?! Change the name!
  • The first suspect in "One Life to Lose" is a diehard shipper who hated the murder victim because "she was being swayed by the Can-Fonsos." Actually, her whole Die for Our Ship rant was hilarious in a meta kind of way.
    • To say the least. She organized fans to send the network head (in-universe of Castle not in-universe of the show-within-a-show) a crate of axes!
    • This little moment, after Castle and Beckett have hit a roadblock:
    Castle: Maybe we should sleep on it.
    [Beckett shoots him a knowing, flirty look]
    Castle: Separately! [Mock-affronted] Katherine Beckett, I never!
    • After discovering the victim's 'mother' was a con-artist pretending to be her birth mother to swindle her out of her money, and that she had been written into the victim's will before the victim found her out (thus giving motive), Esposito arrests her as she's leaving the country. After she's brought to the station, she proceeds to give the hammiest portrayal of a grieving mother ever, outside of the soap the victim wrote, to the point where Esposito, Beckett and Castle are visibly trying hard to prevent themselves from openly laughing out loud at her.
    Mother: Everything in New York reminded me of Sarah. I had to escape the agonising truth that she's dead. Now, if denial... is a crime... I plead guilty.
    Beckett: Good to know. How do you plead on murder?
  • The poker night scene in "The Dead Pool" where Dennis Lehane, Michael Connelly and Castle give Alex Conrad some "friendly hazing" as they go over the Case of the Week.
    Michael: "Do you know what I did after I wrote my first book? I shut up and wrote 23 more."
  • "To Love And Die in LA" has a lot of funny moments, but the scene where Beckett and Castle get the suspect "interrogated" at the movie set for the Heat Wave movie. The actors playing Raley and Ochoa have hilarious dialogue as they bring the suspect in.
  • Castle and Beckett's reactions to a man's alibi for not killing his best friend.
    Castle: Your alibi for not killing him is... that you were doing his wife?
    Man: (sheepishly nodding.)
  • When Castle ends up a murder suspect very briefly in the third season opener, Beckett attempts to interrogate him. It's hilarious. And at one point he calls Ryan "Annie Oakley".
  • Those occasions when Castle and Alexis invert the parent-child relationship are always comedy gold.
    Alexis: Dad! You'll spoil your dinner!
    Castle: [mouth full of whipped cream] This is my—
    Alexis: NO.
  • After Castle defuses a dirty bomb.
    Beckett: We were just doing our job. Actually, I was just doing my job; I don't know what the hell he was doing.
    Castle: Hey! But that's true.
  • Beckett's attempts to keep it cool when she meets a certain baseball manager/player in "Suicide Squeeze". Her face is hilarious.
    Beckett: That was Joe freaking Torre. I gotta call my dad!
    • Particularly since Castle and Torre — who know each other previously — are just casually shooting the breeze and clearly not really paying attention to Beckett, who in turn is clearly attempting to psychically communicate with / scream at Castle to get him to introduce her while simultaneously keep cool.
    • Hehe. Suicide Squees.
  • The shooting range scene from "Punked", which culminates in a gun-aiming rig that the Mythbusters would be proud of.
    • Esposito, in a neck brace, gets bowled over by a fleeing suspect just as he and Ryan arrive at a steampunk bar. He ends up with even more braces and casts.
  • Castle's comment on the bad spelling of a message left behind at a murder scene:
    "I'm just saying! Whoever killed her also murdered the English language."
  • Esposito and Ryan undercover as teenagers in Kick the Ballistics.
    Esposito: Oh, snaps! Is that Philip? I ain't seen you in a minute!
    Ben (to bodyguard): He thinks I'm my brother. Happens with the gweilo (A Catonese term for non-Chinese people).
    Esposito: Wazzup?!
    Bodyguard: Move along.
    Esposito: Man, why you touchin' on me? Betta check yo toe! Man, tell him, Philip. Tell 'em we boys. Tell yo boy, Thor, that we boys!
    Bodyguard: Go outside.
    Esposito (being lifted and carried away): Man, tell him Philip! (Ben just stares) Man, Philip, you changed!
    • The conversation Beckett, Castle, Ryan, and Esposito have back at the precinct is hysterical, too.
    Beckett: What the hell were you two thinking going to see Ben Lee when Gates specifically said to stay away?
    Esposito: Who's gonna tell her, Beckett? Not me. (to Ryan) Do you plan on telling her what we did?
    Ryan: Not me. Castle?
    Castle (while taking a picture of Ryan and Esposito in their "teen clothes"): Who? Me? No way.
    Beckett: Nice, smartass.
  • It's not canon, but pretty much the entirety of "Advice from Castle", where a piece of advice on effective presentation from Castle and Beckett to the new head of ABC gets a bit sidetracked with Castle's description of a perfect female presenter, which prompts Beckett to start flirting shamelessly with Castle... much to his surprise.
    Castle: Um... what are we doing?
    Beckett: [Seductively] We're heightening sexual tension. You know, between the male presenter and the female presenter, to create that 'will they, won't they?' vibe.
    Castle: [Eager] Right! And will they?
    Beckett: [Bluntly] No.
  • In "Eye of the Beholder", almost any time Beckett is driven to act like a seething jealous fifteen-year-old by Serena Kaye's obvious interest and flirtations with Castle. It culminates in Beckett stumbling upon the two kissing each other (Castle's trying to distract her), upon which her reaction is priceless. The way she blurts out "Hey!" is a little less "Hey, you're under arrest under suspicion of murder," and more "Hey, get your hands off my guy!"
    • The funniest part is before Beckett interrogates Serena; Castle tries to explain himself but Beckett refuses to listen, keeping him out of the interrogation room. A moment after she closes the door, Castle makes a choking gesture in her direction.
    • In fact, almost anytime Beckett gets a case of the Green-Eyed Monster regarding other ladies taking an interest in Castle belongs here; Stana Katic does a great job of playing our normally stoic, sober and mature detective clearly struggling with her inner teenager (and almost losing) at such moments.
    • Castle's mother walks in on him while he's typing up a novel on his laptop. This exchange ensues:
    Castle: Hang on, I'm about to toss a guy off the Brooklyn bridge.
    Martha: Well, I'm sure *checks the computer* Damien Carter would appreciate a short reprieve.
    Castle: Too late, he just went kersplat.
  • There is a deleted scene that shows Castle's first meeting with Beckett's dad. And you thought Castle was the king of inadvertent TwerpSweating.
  • From "Eye of the Beholder," Esposito's reveal of the hotel where a famous art thief may be staying cuts to... an awkward elevator moment with Ryan, Esposito, a SWAT team and the hotel manager.
  • Jessup is a Crowning Moment of Funny all by himself!
    Beckett: You were stalking Buckley?
    Jessup: Stalking is a pretty damn ugly word. Let's not use 'stalking', okay? I was just trying to feel the guy out, you know what I mean? Try to convince him, you know. In case you guys haven't noticed I'm somewhat of a wordsmith you know. A real master of uh, you know...of uh....
    Castle: Words.
    • When Jessup is revealing his dreams of being a locksmith to Castle and Beckett in the car:
    Jessup: I've always been good with locks. When I was in the joint, I was thinking how can I take this and make it more productive, you know? So, I've been applying for locksmith schools, but, you know, they won't let me in on account that I'm a felon. Can you believe that?
    Beckett: A felon who wants to be a locksmith. What could possibly go wrong there?
    Jessup: You don't have to be mean about it.
    Castle: Yeah. Wow.
    Death Glare; cut to Castle relocated to the back seat of the car with Jessup.
  • In "Cops and Robbers", Ryan and Esposito might not have has had as much in the way of Heartwarming and Awesome moments as the other characters, but they do get one of the funnier moments in the episode, when debating on whether to enter a potential person-of-interest's apartment without a warrant or probable cause:
    Ryan: Did you just hear that? I think I heard someone yell out "Help, police!"
    Esposito: [High-pitched, squeaky mumble] Help! Police! [Normal] There it is again.
    [They burst in]
  • Ryan, Esposito and Castle dressed as Elvis impersonators.
  • Castle preparing for the unlikely event of his death when he thinks he's been cursed by a Mayan mummy.
    Castle: *stares seriously at Beckett*
    Beckett: What?
    Castle: Nothing.
    Beckett: Castle.
    Castle: ...If something were to happen to me, I want you to watch out for Alexis.
    Beckett: *turns to look at him*
    Castle: She looks up to you. And, if her boyfriends get frisky, you can shoot them.
    Beckett: Nothing's gonna happen to you.
    Castle: But if it does.
    Beckett: ...Okay. *smiles*
    Castle: And, would you also go into my closet and get rid of my porn collection before she finds it?
    Beckett: *Death Glare*
    Esposito: *appears* Don't worry bro, I got you covered on that.
  • The ending of "When the Bough Breaks", when Castle and Beckett learn from different phone-calls that their partnership is going to be extended a bit longer than either of them anticipated... at the same time.
    Castle: Would I be interested in doing three more 'Nikki Heat's?
    Beckett: Yes, I am aware the Mayor is facing a tough re-election this year.
    Castle: I'm sorry; how much?
    Beckett: No, no, I would love to help the department out in any way I could.
    Castle: [excited] No, no, forget the other offer! For that kind of money I'll do a dozen 'Nikki Heat's.
    Beckett: [Suddenly agitated] He wants me to what?!
    Castle: [Still on-phone, but noticing Beckett's reaction and very worried] Oh — well, that was kind of a one-time only situation with her and me...
    Beckett: [yelling] Three books?! That'll take forever!
    Castle: [sinking feeling] You already spoke to the Mayor...
    Beckett: [To Castle; furious] I am gonna kill you!
    [Castle tries to defend himself, but Beckett returns to the phone]
    Beckett: No, no, no sir, I wasn't talking to you. I, ah... [seething] no need to thank me sir. I am happy to help his honour out in any way I can.
    [Beckett hangs up the phone and stalks towards Castle, glaring daggers at him]
    Castle: [panicking] Ah hah... you know what... I think... I'm gonna... Paula, I'm gonna... I-I-I-I'll call you back.
  • In S4's "Cuffed," the irony of Esposito telling Ryan about how being stuck together makes or breaks an relationship. Actually the episode was funny even without the parallels.
    • In an otherwise tense moment, a crazed smuggler faces Esposito and Ryan and threatens to shoot "the pretty one". The boys pause to give each other the briefest of searching looks.
    • Castle and Beckett's attempt to push the freezer, resulting in an intentional Does This Remind You of Anything? moment of Ship Tease by the writers. Brilliant.
    • When Ryan and Esposito let the bad guys go in order to get Castle and Beckett out, Ryan lifts the hatch and sees only the tiger in the basement, which prompts him to let out a panicked, mournful, "It ATE them!"
    • Beckett mentioning the possibility of being handcuffed to Castle all night again. "But next time, let's do it without the tiger." "...Next time?!"
  • In "Til Death Do Us Part", the victim of the week is found to be a bit of a womanizer when Lanie examines him. Later, the "a bit" part is scratched out when Ryan and Esposito turn up no less than fifteen women (aside from the first in the hotel room) who were involved with him. One wonders how he found time to earn money.
    Castle: It's like the start of The Bachelor, but there's no Appletinis.
    • From the same episode, Esposito's jealousy over Lanie having a plus one for Ryan's wedding.
    Esposito: You think I should pull her phone records?
    Ryan: *chokes on his drink* What?
    Esposito: I am not going to your wedding if I don't find out who this guy is.
    • Related to this, Esposito spends much of the episode trying to find his own 'plus-one' for the wedding as not to be outdone. At one point, he's chatting up a pretty uniformed officer at the espresso machine when Beckett yells for him to join them over a development in the case. Unfortunately, this distracts him sufficiently to cause him to accidentally spray a jet of water right in the officer's face. Looks like he struck out there.
    • Beckett and Castle's interview with the pickup-artist. After he's spent the entire time casually bragging — and horrifying Beckett — with his exploits:
      Pickup Artist: You know, you have some beautiful eyes.
      Beckett: ... Seriously.
      Pickup Artist: What, it's a numbers game. I strike out 90% of the time .
      Beckett: Thus restoring my faith in my gender.
    • Ryan spends the episode 'cleansing' for his wedding by fasting and drinking lime juice. After a week and a half of this, he gets so distracted by the sight of food that he attacks Esposito over half a donut.
  • In "Rise":
    Beckett: By the way, I want my gun back. (Hands Gates a folded up paper)
    Gates: Hmmph. (Opens paper)
    • There's a giant hole in the center of the paper from how many times Beckett got a bullseye.
    • Gates' raised eyebrow reaction.
    • Also from "Rise":
    Agitated Suspect: Get out of here!!
    Castle: (quietly) Okay.
    Beckett: (continues yelling and interrogating)
  • This exchange from "An Embarrassment of Bitches":
    Castle: Tell me, does the phrase 'corporate espionage' mean anything to you?
    Kay Cappuccio: No!
    [Skeptical, satisfied 'we've got her' pause from Castle and Beckett]
    Kay Cappuccio: No, seriously. I have no idea what it means.
  • In "The Blue Butterfly", Castle is narrating the romance of a 1940's PI and a gun moll and accidentally calls her Kate.
    • Because he's imagining the main series characters playing the lead roles; naturally, he and Kate are the PI and the moll. Esposito and Ryan? Those Two Bad Guys, working for the moll's mobster.
    • Kate initially tries to hurry him along when he's waxing poetic in his narration, but when he ends it on a cliffhanger due to the diary ending there, she wants to know how it ends.
    • After imagining Ryan as an Irish thug, he asks the real Ryan to say "boyo" repeatedly. This eventually results in...
    Castle: Boyo.
    Ryan: Boyo.
    Castle: Boyo.
    Ryan: Boyo.
    Castle: Like a leprechaun.
    Ryan: (exasperated) Castle!
    • And of course:
      Castle: The Blue Butterfly. It's real! It's why Stan Banks was killed— Why am I narrating?
  • When Castle asks Ryan to help get some pictures of Alexis' friend kissing Ashley off the Internet.
    Castle: Could you get your friends in tech to get some pictures off the Internet?
    Ryan: Why? Somebody find naked pictures of you again?
    Castle: Actually, it's Alexis.
    Ryan: *Squick face*
    Castle: [Realizing] It's for Alexis.
    Ryan: Okay, this just got weird. What's this about?
  • Ryan being freaked out over the dolls in "Once Upon a Crime".
    • Castle agonising over his mother's one woman play about herself because of what she says about him.
  • In "Pandora", an old friend of Castle's who is heading a CIA operation Castle and Beckett have stumbled into gives them both one-touch icons on their phones which are a direct line to her. The icon on Beckett's phone is the CIA crest, while Castle's is just a bright red button with "PANIC" in white.
    • Likewise in "Pandora", Beckett's outright jealousy over learning that she's not the first woman Castle shadowed for novel research.
    • And in "Linchpin"
    Beckett: Why don't you ask your girlfriend?
    Lanie: Girlfriend?
    Castle: Fine! We slept together! Okay? It was a long time ago! What's the big deal?
    Beckett: There's no big deal! Sleep with whoever you want. The more the merrier.
    Alexis: Ahem.
    • Castle and Beckett's Oh, Crap faces make it perfect. Especially since Nathan Fillion manages to give an Oh, Crap face without changing expression.
  • The dramatic confrontation between Beckett and Castle and the teenage murder suspect in "Hedge Fund Homeboys", which is all very dramatic and sinister and dark... until Castle, as soon as the kid's gone, petulantly explodes with "I hate that kid!"
  • The entirety of Ryan and Esposito's misadventures with Ryan's wedding ring in "A Dance With Death." Especially when Esposito can't get the ring off. It results in the following conversation:
    Ryan: How can I tell my wife that I'm not wearing my ring because I lent it to Esposito... To see if strippers would flirt with me?
    Castle & Esposito both just give him a look.
    Ryan (optimistically): Maybe she'll see the humor in it.
    Castle & Esposito exchange looks before speaking simultaneously.
    Castle: Not a chance.
    Esposito: Dead man.
  • Alexis asks Castle if she can go on a college road trip with her friend, Buttons. Castle, like any good dad, asks who's going, who's driving, and who's chaperoning.
  • And in season 3's "To Love and Die in L.A." we have this great exchange after Esposito shoots a perp.
    Perp: You shot me in the leg, call an ambulance man.
    Esposito: My partner's already on that.
    Ryan: 9...1... what comes after that one?
  • "The Limey" when Det. Colin Hunt is distractedly trying to open a crate before the security guard nabs him and mentions the guard must have been working "harder than a one legged man in an ass-kicking contest" complete with a stereotypical American "cowboy" accent.
    • Beckett peeking at the naked Colin just before the commercial break.
    • Lanie scoffing at Kate acting like it was a secret that she's in love with Castle, effectively lampshading the Everyone Can See It trope the show gleefully uses.
      • Just the whole opening sequence. Lanie finally convinces Kate to tell Castle how she feels. Kate says she needs to find the right time, while Lanie counters "there's no time like the present." Castle then pulls up in an obnoxious red sports car with a giggling blond in the passenger side, directly contrasting both women's comments about how Castle wasn't really that guy anymore. Lanie's awkward response as she leaves just crowns it.
    • Also, Esposito's question about his part in Castle's plan for entering the Villain of the Week's apartment.
    Castle: Ryan, you'll be here, dressed as a flower delivery boy. Esposito, you'll be here, dressed as a hobo.
    Esposito: (raises his hand) Question... Why's a brown man gotta be a hobo?
    Castle: You want the flowers?
    Esposito: Hobo it is.
  • From "47 Seconds":
    Castle: (to Beckett, about Gates) I think she's starting to like me.
    Gates: No I'm not.
    • Also from "47 Seconds":
    Castle: (to Alexis) These pancakes are usually reserved for breakups and Dancing with the Stars result shows. What's the occasion?
  • From "Headhunters":
    Slaughter: You know who I'm mackin' on? This hot new redhead, just started working there. That girl's barely street-legal.
    Castle: Redhead?
    Slaughter: Yeah.
    Castle: About five foot five, blue eyes, intern?
    Slaughter: Yeah. You know her?
    Castle: That's my daughter.
    Slaughter: Seriously? That girl got an ass
    Castle: *punches him*
  • A witness is being questioned for a description of someone he described as a "big, scary black guy". He can't seem to come up with a more accurate description. He turns to face Beckett (standing behind him on his way out of the precinct) to reiterate "he's a big, scary black guy" one last time, only to shut up in front of the black police officer also standing behind him. Only it turned out he stopped talking because he recognized the guy on the TV behind said officer as the very person he was trying to describe.
  • Castle's glee at working a case involving zombies in "Undead Again". After seeing a very zombie-like suspect on a traffic camera, he struts out of the briefing room, announces that "Our killer's a zombie!", and high-fives the first detective he sees. Who returns the gesture without breaking stride.
    • In the same episode, when Ryan asks Castle if he really believes in zombies.
    Castle: No. You know what I do believe in? Driving Beckett crazy.
    • The scene where Castle fools the final bad guy into confessing to the murder by dressing up as a zombie. His makeup is done so well that it even freaks out Esposito, who skittishly insists that Castle stop acting like that, much to Castle's amusement.
    • And when their zombie corpse jumps off the morgue examining table and runs screaming out the door. Castle picks up the wall phone and asks what the code for a zombie running through the precinct is.
  • The first scene of "Always", when Castle stumbles across Alexis struggling to write her valedictorian speech in the early hours of the morning:
    Castle: Either this is the most boring dream I've ever had or you can't sleep either.
    ...
    Alexis: It's my chance to say something important — something worthy. I don't want to blow it, but I feel like I have nothing to say.
    Castle: [Looking through the reference texts she has in front of her] You mean 'nothing' compared to the great sacred texts of mankind, or Winston Churchill's speech to Harrow, or Steve Jobs' address to Stanford... you know, maybe you should pick some speeches just a little less daunting to compare yours to. Like Say Anything, or Twilight!note 
    Alexis: It's not supposed to be this hard!
    Castle: You know, the most worthwhile things in life are often the most difficult. For example... [Castle's phone rings, interrupting him; the caller ID is for Beckett] Wow. That really is a smart phone.
  • While investigating the murder of the proprietor of a magic shop, Castle and Beckett track down a local street magician to question him. As soon as Beckett introduces herself as a cop, he lets out a nonchalant "abracadabra" and disappears and a pyrotechnic flash of smoke. Castle stands there absolutely amazed... Beckett grabs the top of the box he was standing on and pulls it open, then pulls him out, delivering one of her best lines ever: "Alakazam, jackass."
  • At the end of Last Call, Captain Montgomery tells Castle that he can get a bottle of the scotch for a generous donation to the NYPD Widows and Orphans Fund. Your initial interpretation of Montgomery's giddiness informing Castle is that he intends to snag himself a bottle as well. After Castle is done weeping at the good fortune, he states he'll only make the donation if the others drink with him. Montgomery immediately states "twist my arm" as he brings up a glass no one apparently noticed he was holding.
  • In the second season premiere, Castle is wearing a wire for an operation, with the others listening in outside. When the show comes back from commercial, Castle re-caps a conversation that happened offscreen.
    Ryan: ...does he realize he's summarizing a conversation we just heard in its entirety?
    Esposito: I dunno.
  • Season 5 premiere "After the Storm" Castle and Beckett have just woken up from a passionate night, ready to go another round. They then hear the last three words they ever wanted to hear at that moment:
    Martha: Richard! I'm home!
  • "Cloudy With a Chance of Murder" Castle going through the case of the week in his head in order to help... avoid accidental man-reactions. And then when Beckett barges in and catches him with a woman shoving her boobs in her face, he blurts out that he had a Eureka Moment to either distract her or make sure she doesn't react incorrectly to the situation. Beckett is some combination of flabbergasted, confused, and shocked.
    Beckett: "I can't, it's too soon. I keep seeing her boobs in your face."
    • When Castle and Beckett go to confront the killer at the news room, the camera pans across all the suspects we've been introduced to over the episode, all of whom are staring at Castle and Beckett tensely... except for an obnoxious sports reporter who's been hitting on Beckett all episode, who's just grinning smarmily at her and holding his fingers to his ears in a typical "Hey, call me babe!" gesture.
  • In "Secret's Safe With Me," Beckett, Ryan, and Esposito bust a thief trying to cut into a safe he stole from a storage locker. As soon as they bust in, guns drawn, and announce themselves...
    Beckett: ''GET YOUR HAND OFF YOUR TOOL, MARCO!"
    [beat]
    Ryan & Esposito: *start snickering*
    Beckett: "Shut up."
    • Castle's face when Beckett mentions that she has a box of stuff "from her kinky past".
    • Gates' Squee moments, first at finding that a doll she has looked for a long time is at the precinct, and then when she FanGirls a bit at Castle with his books.
    • Castle's petulant tantrum when Ryan bursts his bubble about finding the precious necklace while the safe is being cracked.
    Castle: You know what I love about this case? Finding a pretty pink bracelet in my belongings.
    Ryan: You know you're gonna have to return that —
    Castle: [Exploding] I know, Ryan! I know that! I ju—Can you just let me have this moment?! This one, small, Treasure Island Indiana Jones moment?
    Ryan: Right. Got it.
    Castle: [Petulant] Well, it's too late now. It's ruined.
  • "Murder, He Wrote". The whole episode.
    • Castle and Beckett plan a weekend romantic getaway in the Hampton's. It goes about just as well as you'd expect when a murder victim falls into Castle's pool, just seconds after Beckett dropped her robe to reveal she "forgot" her bathing suit.
    • Prior to working with the police on the murder case, Beckett is assumed to be a hooker by the chief when she asked to keep her name out of the public record, and he continues to assume so until he looks her up (after arresting her and Castle) and begins grovelling at her feet.
    • Beckett is in a romantic mood... And Castle cannot stop thinking about the case.
      • And the Ironic Echo later in the episode when Castle's the one in the mood for love, but much to his frustration Beckett's the one distracted by a sudden inspiration about the case.
    • Ryan and Esposito are desperate to find out who Beckett's secret boyfriend is. Ryan finds out during an interrogation with the drug ring victim's partner, who lets slip that the chief of the Hampton's police department was working with two consultants: Castle and his girlfriend Beckett. Ryan gets far more aggressive when he's grilling the suspect about Castle's mystery girlfriend compared to the actual murder. And then Ryan's utterly gobsmacked reaction when the suspect remembers the name of Castle's girlfriend...
      • The scene after. Ryan's phone call to Castle to fill him in on the details ... knowing full well that Beckett is there with him. Castle and Beckett flap like headless chickens trying to 'casually' find out what he knows, while the grin on Ryan's face as he strings them along somehow manages to be both innocent and utterly evil. At one point, in a panic, Castle and Beckett start yelling at each other without saying a single word out loud.
    • When the suspect's cornered, he takes a hostage and goes on a rant about how much he hates people like Castle, wealthy visitors to the Hamptons who "pollute our beaches and throw your money around like you think you're better than us!" Castle can't help himself and defensively blurts out "I don't think I'm better than you!"
      • "Sorry about the whole 'accusing you of murder' thing. Still buddies?" "Yeah."
  • It's mostly a serious episode, but "Probable Cause" gets a good one when Ryan and Esposito reveal to Beckett that they know the secret Beckett and Castle have been keeping; when Beckett incredulously asks them how, Esposito confidently replies "Well, it's us," in a fashion that suggests they're such brilliant detectives they totally figured it out — as if Ryan didn't happen to stumble on it almost entirely by accident and Esposito hadn't only learned about five minutes ago when Ryan told him.
  • The Final Frontier. We've got Nebula 9 megafan Beckett surrounded by people who mock her favorite sci-fi show (including her own boyfriend and the actors of Nebula 9); Castle's hilarious cry of "OH MY GOD!" at the sight of his daughter walking by in a very, very revealing cosplay (which is quite jarring considering the very modest clothing we usually see her wear), Castle being so flustered by this, his "What... are you... doing here... dressed... like that?" comes out as Shatner Speak, and their failed attempt at "discussing" the incident later that night (which ended in Castle hastily running into his office and Alexis heading straight out the door without another word); and the crowner of the episode: Beckett's epic troll, teasing Castle with a sexy dance in her Nebula 9 cosplay, only to reveal that she's wearing the very horrendous Creaver mask that leaves him running (at first bumping into) out the door.
    'Castle: [Upon being told of the murder at the con] Shiny!
  • "Swan Song" has most of the crew end up hamming it up for the documentary crew following them around. One of the most hilarious has to be Esposito, who started out hostile to the camera but ends up playing to them the most. Through it all, Castle is just having loads of fun while Beckett looks annoyed as all hell.
    • A real kicker is the way the writers executed it through the characters' behaviors.
      • When Esposito starts hamming it up for the cameras, the audience expects it as it seems in line with his character.
      • Castle was expected, as it's in his very nature to show-off his rugged handsomeness, but he goes to extra lengths to ham up his usual behavior for added affect, Breaking the Fourth Wall by inserting cues for cutting to black and rolling theme music (and then humming the jingle that plays over the show's title card).
      • However, we soon get Lanie sexing it up in the morgue, ditching her scrubs for a low-U neckline and suggestive eyebrow wiggling at the camera, as well as some unnecessary perking of her chest (calling Beckett down to deliver findings that are usually done over the phone, just for the sake of some screen time).
      • And then we have Gates sucking up to the camera; specifically, by trying to act the Benevolent Boss of the station, an facade that her subordinates are visibly biting their tongues about when watching her. This also brings to mind the ending, when Gates is about to give Castle and Beckett an earful over the footage she reviewed for the documentary. Castle and Beckett fear the discovery of their relationship that might have been caught on tape. Nope. Turns out Gates is furious with Castle's immature behavior during her PR speech about the professionalism and maturity of the 12th precinct.
      • Even funnier after "Still". All the problems Kate and Richard went through to prevent Gates from seeing that video were all for nothing.
    • Gates welcomes the camera crew to the precinct and assures them they'll be welcomed and accommodated. Cue a lot of shots of blank, sullen and hostile looking detectives. It ends on Esposito and Ryan sitting at Ryan's desk looking into the camera with awkward smiles.
    Esposito: ... Welcome.
    Ryan: Welcome.
    Castle: Looks like John Campbell was in town ... with a few days to kill. [Beat] See what I did there? That was good. Use that. [Behind him, the detectives roll their eyes and leave] Don't use the part where I said "See what I did there" — cut that out, hard beat to black, musical sting. Bah-dah-dah-la-da-la-da[Turns around and realizes that everyone's gone].
    • Castle and Esposito interview a music-writing suspect, who plays a dramatic musical sting for them when they come to a revelation.
    • More leaning at the end of the teaser:
    Esposito: We've got you now, you son of a bitch! (beat, looks at camera) Am I even allowed to say son of a— (cut to title)
    • And the ending, where Beckett lures a camera man into a supply closet, blows a raspberry at him, and shuts him inside.
  • "After Hours" has Castle and Beckett having a relationship spat even as they are being chased by mob thugs unarmed and trying to protect a witness. The witness also becomes increasingly frustrated and finally ends up playing therapist while offhandedly mentioned that he's qualified to do so because he's done countless therapy sessions—as the patient. Of course, it was all an act since the "witness" was actually the real killer.
  • "Secret Santa" Esposito getting his butt kicked by Santas.
    • Captain Gates being unable to stop herself expressing her absolute hatred for her mother-in-law, who is currently staying with her family for Christmas, at every opportunity.
    • And Castle's reaction to seeing the victim:
      Castle: And now Santa is dead! When will it end?!
      Beckett: I hate to break it to you, Castle, but there is no Santa.
      Castle: Not anymore.
  • The ex-wife suspect in "Significant Others" was her own One-Scene Wonder while she traversed around her ex-husband's house breaking every valuable piece in sight. If that wasn't funny enough, halfway through, said ex comes home and starts breaking her most beloved valuable pieces. Beckett threatens to throw them both in jail if they toss one more item onto the floor. They do. She takes them to the precinct and the ex-wife gets in one more line, "So worth it!"
    • When Esposito and Ryan hear that Castle has allowed Meredith to stay at his loft (at the same time Beckett is there because her apartment is being fumigated), both of them tell him he is next to a very steep cliff and simulate the sound of someone free-falling. Beckett sends them to check something, and Ryan can't resist repeating the sound as he leaves.
    • Later, when Meredith and Beckett have a "date", Esposito and Ryan tell him to watch out, because that's going to be like two worlds colliding. Esposito makes "Boom" several times.
    • When Meredith and Beckett return from their "date", Beckett starts to tell Castle that he is not the man she thought he was. Castle gets worried, but then Beckett and Meredith start laughing, as it was just a joke at his expense.
  • In Under the Influence, Esposito takes down a local criminal's hulking bodyguard with a Groin Attack. The next time he goes round to talk to the same criminal, the bodyguard takes one look at him... then puts his hands over his crotch and edges out of the way.
  • In "Reality Star Struck" we discover that Gates is a huge fan of "Wives of Wall Street."
    • And then she gets Castle hooked. And then they start debating the show like high schoolers.
      • And then the two both give Beckett the same look and inclination when it comes to questioning Penelope's husband, who's too scared of his wife to say anything. Beckett is at first reluctant but, oh boy was she phenomenal in hamming up the interrogation. Bonus points for easily flipping over that table. Then Castle and Gates get entertained as if it was reality TV!
      • And when Penelope's husband finally admits that they were faking his affair with the victim, both Castle and Gates unanimously scream out "What?!" as if they'd just watched an amazing plot-twist.
  • In "Hunt", when 'Jackson Hunt' wants him to get off his cell phone and into a car. He throws Castle's phone up in the air and shoots it. Castle takes a mental break from the stresses of the last two episodes to become distraught over the loss of his phone. Forgetting all about the three million in ransom money he has in a case on the ground.
    Castle: What are you doing? That was a $200 phone!
    Hunt: That's how they track you, now get in the car.
    Hunt: Given how you're feeling so broken up about your two-hundred buck phone, you may want to pick up that three million dollar briefcase.
  • The ending of "The Wild Rover" when Ryan calls out for his crew to back him up. He calls for Esposito and Beckett, and boasts about them as they reveal themselves to the mobsters, giving them each an appropriately Badass Big Damn Heroes moment. And then it's Castle's turn...
    Ryan: Castle!
    Castle: [Hesitantly appearing from behind Beckett] Seriously? I didn't — I didn't bring my vest.
    • Bonus points: That line was an ad lib by Nathan Fillion.
    • There was also something humorous about Jenny trolling Ryan by saying that they took all of the fertility tests for nothing. Because she's already pregnant.
  • In the hilarious "Scared to Death", Castle is convinced now that he and Beckett have watched a "cursed" DVD, they're both going to die. Beckett responds by teasingly telling Castle they should head back to her place for one last hurrah and he gets completely flustered and insists that having sex will assure that they're going to die according to movie cliches. He pretends like her offer hasn't affected him but then walks straight into a pole while trying to exit. Classic.
  • "The Lives of Others". It starts with Ryan teasing Castle about rear-windowing his neighbors having spotted the binoculars Alexis bought him... and it's just uphill from there. Turns out the whole scenario was set up by Beckett, with the help of Martha, her acting students, Alexis, and everyone at the precinct, to get Richard into the apartment and throw him a surprise birthday party.
    • The retroactive Fridge Brilliance funny of knowing that Beckett's increasing exasperation with Castle's antics is, since she knows precisely what's going on, completely and flawlessly staged.
    • Beckett's line "Would you like a drink from the fridge" seems odd at first. Why would she need to mention that the drink is in the fridge? Then you realize that she's trying to induce a Eureka Moment from Castle.
    • There's a lot of moments that, once you know the truth about what's happening, become Hilarious in Hindsight as it becomes that everyone around Castle is taking great pleasure in keeping the secret from him, with some less able to fully contain it as others.
    • When Castle suggests breaking into the storage unit it leads to one of the funniest quotes of all time:
    Beckett: You're talking about an illegal search.
    Castle: If you do it it's an illegal search. When I do it it's just illegal.
    • Castle playing with his helicopter when it crashes leads to this ad-libbed gem
    Castle: NOOOOOO!!!! *Beat*...survivors.
  • Castle and Ryan pairing up to debate the existence of Bigfoot with Beckett and Esposito in "The Fast and the Furriest". Particularly this moment when Dr. Darryl Meeks is brought up:
    Castle: The Darryl Meeks?
    Beckett and Esposito: [In unison, skeptical] Who's Darryl Meeks?
    Castle and Ryan: [In unison, scoffing] 'Who's Darryl Meeks'!
  • "The Squab and the Quail" has several moments, the first of which is Beckett attempting to get some lovin' from her boyfriend only to be second to a rather intense session of video gaming. Another priceless instance is after a sniper takes a shot at Vaughn through his hotel window, Ryan asks Beckett for an eyewitness account, meaning he has to get as close as Vaughn had been to her at the time of the shooting. He walks over and nearly bumps into her, prompting Castle to ask what he had been doing so close to her. After Beckett reveals Vaughn kissed her, Ryan beats a hilariously hasty retreat.
  • The Reveal in "Still" that Gates has known all along that Castle and Beckett were an item (with a hilariously rhetorical "What, do you think I'm stupid?"), but wanted to maintain plausible deniability. Castle and Beckett are understandably aghast.
    • While Beckett is standing on a bomb, she and Castle get into an argument over who fell in love with whom first. They even call Esposito and Ryan for it.
    • Castle insisting that he can't leave Kate's side because he's her "bomb buddy."
    • Also from "Still", Castle remembers the numerous close calls they've had, only for Beckett to tell him he left out their scariest moment: Martha coming home while they were having sex. And Castle agrees.
  • Ryan in "Death Gone Crazy":
    Ryan: Never thought I'd say this after graduating the sixth grade - our bra research is in.
  • The interview with the superhero wanna-be Red Maroon in "Heroes and Villains", who is trying to ape Lone Vengeance's schtick:
    Red Maroon: I wanna be his disciple. Maybe... his partner. I mean, it's my destiny.
    Castle: He doesn't want a partner.
    Red Maroon: How do you know?
    Castle: 'Lone Vengeance'. Lone.
  • Castle getting all Squicked out when he finds out that a supermodel that he'd gotten a date with is actually one of his daughter's old friends. The next time he sees her, he talks to her as if she were still a child.
  • The 'house meeting' in "Number One Fan".
    • The scene where Emma asks Castle to prove it's really him and he excitedly replies that he could do it all day long and crush her at that game. It's so adorably perfect and yet inappropriate that it works.
    • Also after Emma accidentally shoots Castle and he wakes up screaming, "CHEESEBURGERS!" at the top of his lungs.
    • The "whoops!" look on Beckett's face after she gives Castle a relieved hug... forgetting that he's just been shot and that his chest is pretty bruised up.
  • Pretty much anything from Simon Doyle, a murder suspect who thinks he's a time-traveler (and might actually be one), in "Time Will Tell."
    • One particular example: at the very end, when what seems to be a conclusive connection between Doyle and the murderer which proves that the two are merely mental patients who were once incarcerated in the same facility rather than time travelers is found... only for Doyle to immediately 'realize' that the Doyle who was incarcerated with the murderer must be a future version of himself who was sent back in time to preserve the timeline and observe the murderer. Beckett's utterly exasperated "oh, come on!" reaction is perfect.
    • And then the Mind Screw the writers throw at the viewers in the end: Doyle vanishes around the corner before Castle can return his time traveling device, and (the biggest one) Beckett spills coffee on the letter that they used to find out who the killer's next target would be, and the spill is in the exact same pattern as shown in the version of the letter recovered from the killer's hideout! And note, this was never even addressed during the entire episode until that moment. Beckett's reaction is priceless (as was likely the viewer's), especially considering that she has to keep it secret because if Castle found out, he'd never let her live it down. Man, the writers really had a lot of fun in this episode!
    • And they never did explain how Doyle vanished out of the cell earlier in the episode. Or how he found Castle and the other maybe-a-time-traveler.
    • Esposito mocks Castle's credulity over the 'time traveller' theory... only for it to backfire on him:
    Esposito: What were you expecting, Castle? Time-travel device? Doctor Who's sonic screwdriver?
    [Esposito chuckles mockingly]
    Castle: You watch Doctor Who?
    [Esposito looks cornered]
    Doyle: Real charmer, that one. Can't believe you marry her.
    Castle: How do you know we marry?
    Doyle: From your book jackets. "Richard Castle lives in New York with his wife Senator Beckett and their three children."
    Castle: Senator?
    Beckett: Three kids?
  • Castle doesn't like that Alexis has a boyfriend named Pi that only ever offered organic meals while staying in Castle's apartment. Or that he moves out with Alexis and lives together with her. In an apartment that isn't so great. With dumpster-furniture. He offers to replace their futon with a sofa he has in storage.
    Pi: I dunno Mister C. What color is it?
    Castle: Free.
  • "The Good, The Bad and The Baby" While Beckett and Castle taking care of a baby is adorable, it's also pretty damn funny seeing them taking turns freaking out. And then, after a night of baby horror, Alexis walks in to see Beckett and Castle slumped over the couch, and Martha cooing over baby Cosmo...
    Alexis: ...how long have I been gone?
  • "Under Fire": When the arson investigator mentions that the building the crime scene is in is unstable, and that the team should probably leave now that they have what they need for the time being, Castle immediately turns around and flees the building. Beckett just sighs and mumbles "I'm... marrying... him" to Ryan, who just says "Yeah."
    • The even funnier fact is that her line was an ad-lib by Stana Katic.
    • While Ryan and Esposito are trapped in the basement of a burning building and unable to get out, Ryan calls his wife and tells her that if their baby is a boy, they should name him Javier. Esposito quips "You're going to name a white Irish kid 'Javier'?"
  • "Deep Cover" takes place after Ryan returns from his paternity leave. He shows Beckett a picture of his new daughter. Beckett says "She's adorable! But...does she look a little like Esposito?"
  • "The 70's Show": Esposito, while impersonating a traditional 70s detective, failing to emulate said detective's 'car sliding' move.
    • The whole team having to dress up in 70's clothing to avoid frightening a senile witness. And Gates finding out when she comes back from a terrorism seminar early.
  • In "The Way of the Ninja", a ninja hurls a throwing star into Castle's phone. At the end of the episode, he finally manages to yank it out - only for him to lose his grip on it, flinging it offscreen. There's a yowl of pain. It's Gates.
  • When she was in college, Beckett got married. In Vegas. At the Drive-Thru O'Love. And then forgot about it. Finding out that her husband did remember and used it as an excuse to avoid commitment (claiming his wife was in a coma and divorcing her seemed so heartless) is just the cherry on top.

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