Brooklyn Nine Nine Season 4 / Funny

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Season 4

Coral Palms, Pt. 1

Jake crying in a hot tub (surrounded by empty beer cans) while eating a burrito that he previously dropped in the tub. Complete with Holt's reactions to this.
Holt: (with a mixture of pity and disgust) No, don't eat the burrito.
[Jake eats the burrito]
Jake: (sobbing) I'm disgusting!
- Jake refers to this as him having been "slightly depressed".
Holt's witness protection persona is straight, so he spends a lot of time talking about how much he loves breasts.
- In particular, he mentions that they're "heavy" quite frequently.
When Holt and Jake meet with Marshall Haas in a parking lot, Jake's engine proves to be too loud for them to talk to each other.
Jake: [calling over engine noise] I CAN'T HEAR YOU! CAN YOU HEAR ME?
Haas: I CANNOT HEAR YOU!
Holt: WHAT DID YOU SAY? WE CAN'T HEAR YOU!
Jake: I CAN'T HEAR YOU! I THINK MY ENGINE'S TOO LOUD!
Haas: IT'S YOUR ENGINE! TURN OFF YOUR ENGINE!
Jake: I DON'T KNOW HOW TO TURN OFF THE ENGINE! WE SHOULD TALK IN YOUR CAR!
Haas: LET'S ALL TALK IN MY CAR!
Holt: LET'S TALK IN THE MARSHALL'S CAR!
Jake: I THINK WE SHOULD TALK IN HER—
[cut to Jake and Holt sitting in the Marshall's car in silence]
Haas: Okay.
Marshall Haas makes Jake claim that his favorite movie is Failure to Launch instead of Die Hard, since she claims his undercover persona cannot have the same favorite movie as he does. You can just feel the disgust Jake feels while telling her, "My favorite movie is Failure to Launch."
- Then, later, she quizzes him on who the lead actress of Failure to Launch is.
  Jake: Kate Hudson?
  Haas: Sarah Jessica Parker, man! God, it's like you want to die!
This gem when Holt walks into the Fun Zone and greets all his co-workers:
Holt: Good morning, Carly, Tammy. Looks like you're keeping the machines running.
Carly: [rolls her eyes] Whatever.
Holt: (whispering vindictively to himself) Carly will be the first to go.
The manager is under the impression that Holt is a stoner, which keeps popping back up.
The debut performance of "DJ B-Day" (aka Captain Holt being forced by Jake to perform a rap for a child having a birthday).
Holt: Here at the Fun Zone, we live by one rule
When it's your birthday, you're always cool
Parents and kids are all the same
Watch... as I do a dance...
... To your name.
[Holt does a stilted, robotic dance]
D-D-D-D-D-DEREK!
D-D-D-D-D-DEREK!
- And Jake's response at the end:
Jake: Again.
Jake screaming while removing snakes from an elementary school.
Holt powerwalking.
Holt: ROLL, HEEL, BALL, TOE.
When Jake gets hired at Holt's job and gets the position of Assistant Manager, he assigns the staff nicknames:
Jake: [to Holt] You, my friend, we will call Mr. Fart.
Holt: Seems rather unprofessional.
Manager: He called you Mr. Fart, Mr. Fart.
Holt is surprisingly defensive and jealous of the group of little old retired ladies he power-walks with:
Holt: You can ruin my job, Larry, but that's not all I've got here in Florida. I've got a life. I've got friends.
Jake: Sure about that?
[cut to Jake power-walking with Holt's walking group]
Jake: Honestly, Estelle? It almost sounds like you should stop eating beef altogether.
Estelle: I know! That's what I keep saying.
[cut back]
Holt: (genuinely livid) Oh go to HELL, Larry! That's my walking group!
- And later, when they're agreeing to momentarily put aside their differences to trace the potential viral footage:
  Jake: We have to get that video! Can we please just press pause on this fight and work together?
  Holt: Yes. On one condition — you stay the hell away from my walking group.
  Jake: The walking group meant nothing to me!
  Holt: (wounded) That's even worse!
When discussing Ace Ventura: Pet Detective with the owner of a pawn shop:
Jake: Classic film, one of my childhood favorites. And it only gets overtly transphobic at the very end. So, a win.
Holt realizes that his promotion at the amusement arcade might not really be worth it:
Manager: You keep this up, I genuinely believe you could be night manager in, like, two to three years.
Holt: Yes! [the manager walks off] Two to three years. (Beat) Here. (Beat) In Florida.

Coral Palms, Pt. 2

Haas calls Jake and Holt in for an apparently strictly-business meeting in a movie theatre.
(after Jake and Holt sum up everything that has happened to them since their last meeting)
Haas: That's it? That's all you have to say to me?
Jake: Yep, I think we're good.
Haas: So, nobody's gonna ask me how I'm doing?
Holt: [turns to face her] Oh, I didn't think this was a personal conversation.
Haas: It's not; turn back around and watch the movie. This is official business. I was Just Testing You, because Greg is the kind of person who cares about his friends and can sense when something is off with them.
Holt: Is something off with you, Marshal Haas?
Haas: (Suddenly antsy) I don't know. I mean, I met someone, okay, and, um, I mean, it's not my husband, I mean, nothing's happened yet, but... my entire body is on fire. (Jake looks uncomfortable) He's Cuban.
Jake: Is this still official business?
Haas: Of course it is! Shut up and watch the movie.
Jake: Yep.
Haas: Pop quiz. If Larry were married, and everything was fine, and I mean, honestly, everything is totally fine.
Jake: Sure.
Haas: But he knew that one night with this person could give him everything that he needed for the rest of his life. Would he do it?
Jake: (really uncomfortable) Yes.
Haas: Yes? [Jake quickly nods] Good. What if this person Larry met was young? I mean, really young.
Jake: Well, I don't think Larry would do anything illegal.
Holt: You know, it seems to me that Larry has needs. And deserves to have those needs... met.
Haas: Greg, you're really great at being undercover. You both passed the test. [gets out of her seat] Marco, ¡vámanos! [a Cuban Hunk gets out of his seat several rows behind them and leaves with her]
When Amy is asking everyone what they want included in her letter to Jake:
Amy: Rosa, anything you want to tell Jake?
Rosa: Yeah. Tell him I said... [nods slightly]
Amy: (confused) You want me to write that you nodded slightly?
Rosa: He'll know what it means.
- Gina's addition to the letter.
  Gina: I would like you to tell Jacob that I'm thinking about him, and hoping that he's safe. [Amy and Charles stare at her, confused] What? Meet the new Gina, who always puts others before herself. Can you make the whole letter about me doing that?
Jake and Holt meet in the hot tub to discuss their plan to catch Figgis.
Holt: We need to talk without being overheard. Turn on the bubbles.
Jake: You got it.
- After talking about their plan:
Jake: Also, it goes without saying, but it's chill to whiz in this thing. I mean, I have been. You can if you want. I haven't been if you haven't. Have you? I haven't. Have you?
In the parking lot of the Guns and Ammo store:
Holt: We'll have to bribe the gun store owner so he doesn't run our names [through the federal database].
Jake: But we don't have any money. [gasps] Oh my God. I'm the bribe, aren't I?
Holt: You're not the bribe.
Jake: (offended) Why, what's wrong with my body?
Holt obtained money for the bribe from one of his walking group friends by telling her that he accidentally got a woman pregnant.
Holt: Ruth, I'm gonna be straight with you. I accidentally knocked up a woman.
Ruth: Greg!
Holt: You know me, I see a pair of thick, weighty breasts, and all logic flies out the window.
[cut back to present time, with Jake and Holt in the parking lot of the gun store]
Jake: Heterosexual you is such a dog.
When buying guns at the gun store:
Gunstore owner: Can I see some ID?
Jake: Yes, of course, of course. [searches his pocket] Oh. Would you look at that? I forgot my license, but I do have this big ol' wad—
Gunstore owner: No problem.
Jake: Hmm?
Gunstore owner: I don't need your ID. Federal database is down anyway. Wink, wink.
Jake: Oh.
Gunstore owner: So, how do you like your ammo? By the box, or by the bucket?
Jake: Cool, cool, cool, cool, (mutters quickly) our country is broken.
Gunstore owner: What?
Jake: Bucket!
How the Nine-Nine's new captain, C.J., got his position:
Amy: If I may ask, how did you become captain? You just seem a little, uhhhhhhhhhhhh... (holds this syllable out for a few seconds, waiting for C.J. to say something)
C.J.: Unqualified?
Amy: No. No, no, no, no.
C.J.: It's because I am, actually. Here's how it happened. I had an appointment at my dermatologist at 402 7th Avenue. But I went to 204 7th Avenue by mistake! It's like, numbers are so crazy, am I right?
Hitchcock: Amen.
Terry: Not really.
C.J.: Anyway, there was this big drug bust going down. I showed up, spooked the kingpin. He darts for the front door, trips, shoots himself in the stomach accidentally, and then after that everyone pretty much surrendered very quickly, and they made me a captain about a week later.
Jake was detained at a Taylor Swift concert once.
Jake: This is a little bit weird. Never been arrested before. I mean, I was "detained" once by Taylor Swift's security team, but that was a misunderstanding. (dreamily) She's probably gonna write a song about me.
C.J. is, as it turns out, is even more incompetent than first impressions.
Terry: I watched him try to close the blinds in his office for 40 minutes. He finally just gave up and changed his pants with the windows wide open!
Amy has a plan to get rid of C.J.
Amy: We use mankind's greatest weapon.
Rosa: (grinning) A grenade.
Amy: The written word.
Rosa: (annoyed) Ugh, I'm out.
Gina instructed her assistant to mock Amy whenever she sees an opening.
Rosa's opinion on C.J. did a complete 180 in 5 seconds flat.
Gina: Rosa, dare to dream. What do you want?
Rosa: For him to be gone!
Gina: You want that more than you want walls around your desk so that Hitchcock can't stare at you with his big old google eyes anymore?
Rosa: C.J. stays. I love that guy.
Charles' opinion is easily swayed, too.
Gina: And, how about you, Charles? What do you want, baby boy?
Charles: Well, I agree with Amy that C.J. is totally unqualified and a disaster for the precinct, and I would really love a treadmill desk so that I can hit my cardio targets.
The small-town sheriff that interrogates Jake and Holt uses The Newlywed Game technique to interrogate them. It's actually surprisingly effective.
Diaz's now walled-off desk has a doorbell next to the desk's door that people have to ring in order to get her to pay attention to them.
Santiago: Hey Diaz? [looks back at Diaz's desk and sighs] Right. The walls. [walks to Diaz's desk and rings the doorbell]
Diaz: [stands up to stick her head over the walls] Can I help you?
Santiago: I need the crime stats from last month.
Diaz: Fine. One sec. [disappears behind the wall, retrieves the files, and hands it to Amy over the wall, resulting in it hitting Amy's face]
When Amy gets pissed at Charles when he's on his treadmill desk and proudly declares how many steps he's done:
Charles: Oh, you don't care about my health? You don't care if Nicholaj grows up without a papa? You want me to die?
Amy: Honestly? A little.
Charles: Hurts.
Terry is oddly evasive when Amy asks if he signed the letter to the police headquarters declaring C.J. unqualified to lead their precinct.
Amy: [gets in Terry's face] What did he give you?!
Terry: He gave me a yogurt fridge, alright?! I asked for a yogurt fridge, and I got one, right next to my desk! I'm only a man.
Amy: I'm sending this letter, with or without your signature. Enjoy your blood yogurt.
Terry: (sadly) I will.
"Good news... I found Figgis."
One of the prisoners Jake and Holt are stuck with has quite a track record.
Evan: I'm Evan, I've been arrested for a lot of different stuff. Public urination, urinating on private property, urinating 25 feet from a school, urinating out of a moving truck...
Gina has her assistant write down Amy insults whenever she comes up with them.
Gina: Emily, what was that burn I had you write down for Amy because I didn't want to forget it?
Emily: (reading off of her notepad) "Why so sad? Did you just find out that American Girl doesn't make clothes in adult sizes?"
Gina: No.
Emily: "Steven Seagal called and wants his ponytail back?"
Gina: Huh-uh.
Emily: "Gina, colon, 'Hey Amy, what did one graphing calculator say to the other one?', Amy, colon, 'What?', Gina, colon, 'Why does the sad lady—'"
Gina and Emily: (together) "'—own two of us?'"
Gina: (laughs) That's it! Hey, Amy—
When trying to escape from the police station jail, Jake and Holt kiss in order to scandalize the sheriff.
Sheriff: [reaching for his keys] Ooh, no, no!
Jake: (lips are pressed against Holt's) Is it working?
Holt: I think so.
Sheriff: Not in my jail, no, no! [pulling Holt and Jake apart] Break it up! Whoa! [Jake and Holt shove the sheriff further into the jail and run out of it, slamming the jail door] Stop it! What are you doing?
Holt: It's 2016, man. This is on you.
Gina ended up hiring an assistant for her assistant.
After the detectives and Gina try and get C.J. to actually do his job as a captain and tell them "no" sometimes:
C.J.: Okay, if you think I need to stop doing whatever you guys want, then I will.
Terry: Yeah, that's progress.
C.J.: If that's what you guys want.
Jake lampshades his Moral Myopia.
Jake: I can't believe we're fugitives on the lam, falsely accused of a crime.
Holt: There's nothing false about it. We committed multiple felonies and escaped from jail.
Jake: Yeah, but we were just doing what we had to do. We're the good guys! [gasps] This is what they all think.

Coral Palms, Pt. 3

The news segment Cold Open.
Reporter: Stay tuned for later tonight, when we reveal who Donald Trump is running against!
Jake's freaking out over Holt's impalement by a metal pipe, while Holt is completely unbothered by it.
Holt: I'm fine, except I was impaled by a metal pipe.
Jake: OH MY GOD! [shudders and turns away, then looks at Holt's leg again] OH MY GOD! [turns away and closes his eyes] It's gonna be fine. [looks at Holt's leg again] OH MY GOD!
Scully insists on packing snacks, much to everyone's bemusement.
Amy: I'm pretty sure there are gonna be snacks in Florida, Scully.
Scully: "Pretty sure"? Do you arrest someone if you're "pretty sure" they're guilty? No, Amy, you wait until you get all the facts!
- Charles brings a scrapbook of 4,000 "essential" pictures of his adopted son, Nicholaj to show Jake.
Terry tried to convince C.J. to let them go to Florida by showing off his pec-flexing skills. C.J. is entertained by this, but still refuses to let them go.
Terry: Terry feels like a whore.
Jake retrieved some surgical supplies from a 24-hour vet very stealthily.
Jake: I was in and out like a ninja.
[flashback to Jake standing on top of a stool retrieving needles, only to have the stool tip over and cause him to fall. He grabs onto the top of the shelf, which results in the shelf falling down on top of him. Then, dogs go after him.]
Jake attempts to remove the pipe from Holt's leg, but he freaks out looking at the wound. So Holt ends up comforting Jake while performing the surgery on himself.
Jake: All right, this is gonna hurt. But I'm gonna get you through it. [looks at the wound and gasps] Oh my God, I'm gonna throw up into your cut. [turns away] Oh, I saw inside of you. How are humans alive?!
Holt: Okay, uh, I'll do the surgery, and, uh, you just breathe, okay? We'll get you through this.
Jake: Okay. [Holt pulls out the pipe, producing a "squish" sound] What was that sound? I did not like that "squish" sound.
Holt: The pipe has been removed. Now I'm sewing myself up. Okay, this is almost over, you're doing great. Just keep talking. Keep talking.
Jake: Talking about what?
Holt: Uh, tell me about Amy, hmm? You must be excited to see her.
Jake: Very much, you know. Oh, God, what if it doesn't go well? We haven't seen each other in a while, and (turns to Holt) what if it's weird? [sees Holt's wound and gasps, terrified, and turns away]
Holt: Keep going, keep going. You're doing so well. Why would it be weird?
Jake: I don't know, I don't know. I mean, maybe we've grown apart. Maybe she'll be repulsed by my frosted tips. I was gonna defrost them before I saw her for the first time.
Holt: I'm sure it will be magical when you see her. Aaaand [pulls needle and thread up] guess what?
Jake: What?
Holt: I'm done, I've sewn myself up.
Jake: (turns towards Holt) Huh.
Holt: You did great, buddy. I'm proud of you.
Jake: (grins) I can't believe I did it. I'm so strong.
In the road trip to Florida, Rosa is stuck between Hitchcock and Scully. Naturally, she's extremely irritated by this.
Amy tries to tell a cool fact about Virginia.
Amy: Fun fact: Virginia is not technically a state but a commonwealth.
Rosa: Ugh. Poor Jake. (Amy pouts)
The entire road trip, with Charles commenting on Terry's parenting decisions and comparing them to his parenting decisions with Nicholaj, Gina complaining about the "in-flight movie", Scully needing to pee, Rosa remarking that she needs to pee, too, really badly, Hitchcock apparently finding that hot, everyone being really grossed out by Hitchcock's remark, and Terry yelling at everyone to be quiet and failing to keep his eyes on the road because of this, causing the minivan to crash into a car with its brake lights on.
Jake's brilliant way of avoiding recognition by a woman he runs into while trying to get breakfast.
Woman: Do I know you from somewhere?
Jake: Do you watch a lot of pornography? 'Cause, I'm in most of it.
The first time they meet after six months of separation, Amy punches Jake in the throat (on accident). What a magical meeting.
This exchange:
Jake: Thank you guys so much for coming. I can't wait to catch up with all of you when this is done.
Hitchcock: My dad died, and—
Jake: Again, when this is done, Hitchcock. Gina, you look like a fresh wizard, and I love it.
After Jake goes over the plan to catch Figgis and asks for questions:
Charles: Did you miss us? Quick follow-up: did you ever look up at the moon and wonder if I was looking at it, too?
Jake: Yes.
Charles: (grinning) Knew it!
Holt attempts to prove that he is perfect condition to catch Figgis:
Holt: (stands up, with a lot of strain) AAAAAAAAAUUUUUGH! (flatly) I love standing up.
Gina asks for Terry's gun when she is tasked with protecting Holt. When Terry denies her request, Gina simply takes out a handgun that she had in her pocket.
Rosa: That [gun] is adorable. Where did you get that?
Gina: Vending machine at a rest stop.
Jake and Amy move in for a kiss:
Charles: Oh my God, everyone, Jake and Amy are going to kiss for the first time in six months. Let those Nicholas Sparks fly.
Jake: So, everyone's just gonna watch us?
Charles: Yes! Now get to it you lovebirds! [Jake and Amy move in for the kiss, and Charles appears right behind them] Here we go.
Amy: Come on, man!
Jake: How did you get there so fast?!
Charles: Love finds a way.
After Jake explains that he got the manager to shut down the Fun Zone for the day:
Terry: Smart. You put up all these fake signs about a major health code violation.
Jake: No, those are actually always there — something about lead being in the air and water and ground.
Terry and Charles trying to out-dad each other by trying to film the better video will for their kids.
- Terry's incredibly creepy lullaby that he makes up on the spot for the video:
  Terry: Go to sleep, Daddy's dead, but his ghost's always watching...
- Rosa's bemused reaction to Charles and Terry's dad-off.
  Rosa: What the hell are you guys doing?
Jake and Amy attempt to talk and get back in sync, with... mixed results.
Amy: We have the rest of our lives to talk.
Jake: Yeah, unless he kills us first. (both chuckle nervously) What a weird joke. Regret saying that one. Wow, things are clickin'!
Holt and Gina gossiping.
Holt: Trevor sounds like a dog.
Gina: Right? God, I've missed our daily dishes.
"Sir, with your brain and my body, and my brain, we make one unstoppable unit."
Gina attempts to carry Holt since his legs are not functional. This doesn't go well.
During Jake's phone call to Figgis:
Figgis: Congratulations on escaping prison.
Jake: Thank you. Congratulations on sucking.
Rosa's scarily accurate imitation of a child's voice.
Rosa: Mommy, I won! I won a big pwize!
Jake accidentally hitting Amy on the head with a basketball.
Amy: What were you aiming for?!
When Jake and Amy attempt to kiss for the second time:
Jake: I hope you're a better kisser than Holt.
Amy: What?!
Jake: Why did I say that?
Amy: Why did you kiss Holt?
Jake: I didn't. I did. We did it to get out of jail, but it didn't mean anything. Just forget I said anything, right? Rewind. (makes rewinding sound) And kiss! [moves in for the kiss]
Amy: Jake—
Jake: You want to know if there was tongue. I can tell you, decidedly, there was not.
Amy: No, Jake. Figgis is here.
Jake: Okay, well, good talk. Don't die. Holt had very soft lips. Wish I hadn't said that one either. We should get into positions.
Gina grabs a dolly from a storage facility and speaks fake Italian to prevent an employee from stopping her.
Employee: Excuse me, ma'am, this dolly's being used.
Gina: Broccoli che visto?
Employee: (slowly) It's being used.
Gina: Quanti erala vito la bella? Tutto matro lamente?
Employee: (sighs) Just bring it back when you're done.
Gina: Ah! [pulling dolly away towards the door] Garbanzo marinara! Pizzeria restaurante! Ahh!
Gina pushing Holt into the passenger's seat of the trailer truck.
Holt: And how am I supposed to get up there?
Gina: Gracefully.
[cut to Gina pushing Holt into the passenger seat]
Holt: BOOST MY BOTTOM!
Gina: I'M BOOSTING!
Holt: BOOST MY BOTTOM!
Gina: I'M BOOSTING!
Holt: BOOST IT!
(both scream in frustration)
"Sir, I am a dancer. I will be your legs."
Because Gina can't drive stick-shift, Holt has to drive from the passenger seat while Gina pushes the pedals. Their driving goes amazingly well.
Gina: We are the greatest driver in the world!
Apparently, Jake once had pizza from Florida that burned his mouth and was cold at the same time. Figgis is genuinely sympathetic to this and Jake's exile to Florida.
Gina and Holt end up driving their trailer truck into Figgis's car. Also doubles as a Moment of Awesome.
Amy: [pointing a gun at Figgis, who is in his car] Get out of the car!
Gina: [in the trailer truck, which is driving towards the car] YOUNG JEEZY, TAKE THE WHEEL!
[the trailer truck crashes into the car]
Holt: [in the driver's seat, holding his gun out] FREEZE, PUNK!
Gina: [pulling out a gun, too] Yeah, freeze, punk!
Holt: Gina, where did you get that gun?
Gina: Lost and found at the storage facility. They have boxes of 'em. They're everywhere.
After Figgis is arrested, Rosa gives him a message:
Rosa: Hey, Figgis. My fiance, Adrian Pimento, said when I caught you, I should read you this letter. (reads letter) "I want to lick the skin off your body, baby." Oh, that side's for me. [flips page over] "I want to rip the skin off your body, Jimmy."
After Terry thanks Holt for saving them:
Holt: I can't take credit for that. Gina Linetti is the real hero here.
Gina: But isn't Gina Linetti more of a state of mind? Like, in a way, we were all Gina Linetti today. (at an EMT) Gina, let's take this Gina to the hospital.

The Night Shift

The intervention for Jake's frosted tips in the Cold Open.
Jake: So what's this secret meeting all about? You guys know I'm not medically cleared for another week.
Gina: It's not a secret meeting, Jake. [holds up hair buzzer] It's an intervention.
Rosa: The tips have to go.
Jake: What? Why?
Gina: Jake, we're worried about you and you look very stupid.
- Jake claims that Amy likes the frosted tips, but then Amy says that they made her feel like she was kissing Vanilla Ice.
- Jake tries to bite Gina on the arm when she's putting the haircutting apron on him. She then slaps him on the back.
- Just before Gina trims off the frosted tips, set to dramatic music:
  Jake: Okay, I'll admit it. I went too deep down there in Florida. At one point, I think I forgot where the tip of me ended and the base of the tips began. [Rosa rolls her eyes] Before we just chop 'em off, would anybody like to say some final words?
  Rosa: No.
  Jake: That was one word, that counts. Thank you, Rosa.
- Then, Charles walks in, having had his tips frosted just like Jake's. He is obviously very distraught at seeing Jake's frosted tips about to be cut off.
  Charles: Me and Jake are tip buds. (seeing Gina cutting off Jake's tips) What?! NOOOOO!
  Both Jake and Charles: NOOOOOOOOO!
  (Beat)
  Jake: You know what—I do see it. It's bad.
Jake comes back into the precinct expecting a lot of enthusiastic welcoming. When no one even looks at him, he assumes it's a prank.
Jake: Oh, I see. No response. A little "welcome back to the precinct" hazing. Who's behind this cute little prank? Diaz?
Diaz: Kill yourself.
Jake: Ookay.
Gina likes working the night shift because she can expand her tweeting to a whole new demographic: Australians.
Gina: I already have the third most followers behind Iggy Azalea and the Perth Zoo wallaby cam.
Gina's Australian accent.
Diaz's only cases so far in the night shift have been "drunk and disorderly", "drunk and disorderly", and a "cyber crime"... which was a drunk guy humping a laptop.
"Night Sassy" Terry.
Holt: I'm worried our night shift morale problem has gotten worse.
Terry: (sarcastically) Yeah, ya think? (Holt looks at him) Sorry, I'm exhausted. My wife says when I get tired, I get night sassy.
Holt: "Night sassy"?
Terry: (sarcastically) Hearing problems, much?! (normal voice) Sorry.
Holt's first idea to improve office morale.
Holt: It's my responsibility to fix this, so I'm going to brighten the mood by telling a few jokes. Try this one on for size: I don't care for cheese. I'm a... curd-mudgeon. (Terry stares at Holt, blankly) Wow, you're too tired for humor.
This exchange between Jake and Charles:
Jake: Anyway, I'm back to being a cop! It's all I've thought about for the past six months.
Charles: Hurtful.
Lohank is less sad now, which baffles Jake.
Jake: Lohank is happy and confident? Everything's off. (gasps) Oh no. We're in the Upside Down.
"I'm gonna tell you the same thing they told me when they removed my testicle: Welcome to your new life."
The night shift has managed to make even Amy sick of paperwork.
Amy: I can't believe I'm gonna say this, but the night shift is taking all the fun out of paperwork.
Santiago questions Diaz when Diaz tells her she's going to take a forty minute break to get some pens.
Santiago: Then why are you putting your jacket on?
Diaz: Pen store's a block away.
Santiago: The nearest pen store is seven blocks away, and it doesn't open until 9 a.m. I learned that the hard way. You really think you can lie to me?!
Diaz: (sarcastically) No.
Santiago: Aha! You're lying to me right now! You do think you can lie to me!
Diaz: Yep.
Santiago: Wait, hang on. Was that a lie?
Diaz: I don't know. Maybe. Alright, see ya. [leaves]
Jake and Charles role playing a breaking and entering case they are investigating.
Charles: I'm Jacques Guillaume, and you are Henri Renault. We are cat burglars on vacation from France.
Jake: I love it! Although Henri went to an elite international school, so he does not speak with an accent.
Charles: Wow, nice, way to flesh out the characters!
- Charles' characters tend to share a particular unusual characteristic.
  Charles: (in French accent) Jacques rolls his own cigarettes, a habit he picked up from a prostitute in Marseille, but that is not all he picked up.
  Jake: Why do all your characters get STDs?!
  Charles: (in his normal accent) Because they're living life!
- Towards the end of their role playing:
  Jake: (describing the actions of their characters) We gotta get out of here, so you turn to leave, you flick your cigarette. (traces path of cigarette with his cane) Using the cane, using the cane, this is awesome. (gasps) Voila. (in French accent) Zee butt!
  Charles: I thought Henri didn't have an accent.
  Jake: It comes out when he gets excited.
Jake tries to open the bullpen door like he normally does only to end up falling over it flat on his face.
Jake tries to imitate Twilight vampires.
Jake: We'll be home by sunup. Just like a couple of sexy Twilight vampires. (in Dracula-esque accent) I am Robert Pattinson. I vant to turn into a bat. (normal voice) I've never seen the movies.
Charles: Me, neither. They're an insult to the books.
Jake asks Charles to play a song while they're driving.
Jake: Crank up the tunes, Boyle. The Night Boys need an anthem. Something dark, something tough, something—
Charles: I already got it. (plays "All Night Long" by Lionel Richie)
The lab tech Jake and Charles get to run the DNA sample from the cigarette butt they got at the crime scene is a little too overenthusiastic about having company.
Tech: Hi! Can I help you? Are you lost? Can I get you something—coffee, tea?
Jake: You know what, we're in a bit of a hurry. Can you run this DNA for us?
Tech: Well, of course! Sorry, not many people stopping by at night. Sometimes it makes you like— [mimes shooting himself in the head with slightly worrying detail] right?
Jake and Charles: [disturbed] Uh-huh.
Tech: I'm be back in a sec.
Jake: Cool. (tech leaves) Yikes... not exactly A-Team at this hour.
Tech: (re-enters) A-Team, are you guys talking A-Team? I love that show—I could download it. We should binge it! This is gonna be fun.
Jake: Yep, totally excited to watch five full seasons of television with you, but could you actually run the DNA for us first?
Tech: It kind of feels like you're prioritizing work over our friendship.
Jake: Because I barely know you?
Tech: (hurt) Fine, message received! (walks out)
Amy confronts Diaz after her third 40 minute break.
Amy: Where do you keep going?
Diaz: Not saying.
Amy: Tell me, Diaz.
Diaz: Nope.
Amy: Come on, tell me.
Diaz: Not talking about it.
Amy: Tell me, tell me, tell me...
Diaz: (at the same time) Nope.
Amy: Tell me, tell me, tell me—
Diaz: Fine. I was in the bathroom. I'm having stomach problems.
Amy: Oh, okay.
Diaz: Yeah.
Amy: Sorry.
Diaz: It's real bad—
Amy: No, that's all right.
Diaz: You should've been there.
Amy: I don't have to hear it.
Diaz: It was like a massacre.
Amy: No, you can—
Diaz: Multiple flush.
Amy: Please stop.
Sassy Terry strikes again.
Holt: I've been researching ways to raise morale, and I found an interesting article in a scientific journal.
Terry: Oh, was it from the American Journal of No One Cares?
- The article suggested that the act of smiling itself can raise one's mood, so Holt suggests everyone try smiling. This results in everyone giving a bunch of uncomfortable and slightly horrifying un-smiles (Holt's is the worst, making him look like a shark).
- When this doesn't work, Holt suggests forced laughter, and he attempts this as an example. His forced laughter is completely terrifying.
At the third precinct they visit to get the file on their suspect, Jake and Charles are greeted by a temp who has no idea how to work the system. Jake goes over to the other side of the desk to help, only to see what exactly the temp had been up to on the computer.
Jake: Great, let me just get over—oh, good lord, that is porn.
Temp: Oh, is that not allowed?
Jake: It is not. No problem, we just close these tabs... (clicks many times) You've got a lot of 'em.
Temp: Mmm.
Holt's idea of party decorations is plain white paper with the word "PARTY" printed on it in all caps sans serif font.
Holt: Just trying to "turn up," as it were.
Amy has some interesting suggestions for what they can do at the "after-work hang".
Amy: Cool, maybe we can mill around and small talk about how (pointedly looks at Rosa) some of us are big time liars who lie all the time like a bunch of liars, Rosa. (Rosa glares at her)
Holt: I don't think that's good party convo.
Holt attempts to get the party started. It doesn't work very well.
Holt: Maybe we should just name our favorite sailing knot. I'll start. The bowline. (no one responds) How about some tunes? (plays an upbeat Sousa march)
Rosa: Cool, merry-go-round music.
Holt: Yeah, John Philip Sousa, the Skrillex of his day. C'mon people, hit the dance floor! Have a good time. Why is no one having a good time? I specifically requested it.
- After no one joins in:
Holt: Fine, I guess I'll just... stop the party.
Terry: (sarcastically) I didn't realize it ever started.
Holt is incensed about having to work the night shift because he's exhausted all the time, he never sees his husband, the late night NPR programming is pure garbage.
Amy's startled reaction when Rosa starts crying.
Amy: Hey, I saw you earlier. You weren't in the bathroom. You were on a park bench, playing on your phone. (shows Rosa the picture she took of Rosa on the park bench) Yeah, you left me to do everything while I thought you were pooping. I wish you were pooping, I wish to God.
Rosa: (tearfully) I'm sorry.
Amy: Oh, Rosa, crying—don't know what to do. (pats Rosa's head) Pat, pat. This feels wrong.
Amy's really horrible attempts at reassuring Rosa when Rosa confesses that she's upset because she doesn't know where Pimento is.
Amy: Maybe he's deep undercover, or he doesn't remember who he is, or maybe he's dead!
Rosa: (irritated) Wow, thanks. You're right, my fiance's a total weirdo who's probably dead. I'll just give up on him and go do my paperwork. (grabs her helmet and backpack and walks away)
Amy: No, Diaz, wait, maybe he's just really, really injured! Come on, Amy.
The brief crossover with New Girl.
- Jess doesn't believe Jake is a cop.
  Jess: If you're a cop, name one law.
  Jake: Don't kill people?
  Jess: Okay, that's on me, I set the bar too low...
- Jess is more concerned with her soup than the chase.
  Jake: He got away!
  Jess: Well, I spilled my soup. You tell me which is worse.
  Jake: My thing! Very clearly my thing!
"Put some Sousa on already! I want to get wild."
Rosa very believably denies that she's still upset about Pimento when Amy comes to apologize about what she said about him the previous day.
Amy: I'm really sorry. I shouldn't have said that about Pimento. I'm sure he's gonna come back.
Rosa: I'm not even thinking about it anymore. That wasn't even me crying in the bathroom earlier—that was someone else with these same boots, but now she's gone.
After Amy tells Rosa that she's totally willing to give her company waiting on the park bench for Pimento, Rosa warns her about how raunchy it could get when Pimento does arrive in pretty explicit detail.
Rosa: I would advise against [waiting on the park bench with me] though—if he does come back, things are gonna get real raunchy, real fast, like, do a lot of licking, that's probably indecent exposure, I don't want to get... (continues describing what will happen while Amy talks over her)
Amy: You know what, I'll just start with this stack right here. Thanks, Rosa, okay, good talk.
Charles gets very excited about Jake playing with Nikolaj.
Charles: Oh my God, this is a dream come true. I gotta get my phone—I gotta film this. Oh, but then I'll miss it. Oh, but I want it forever. Agh, but I should stay in the moment. Ah, but then I'll forget! Oh my God, this is a nightmare!
In the corresponding New Girl episode ("Homecoming"), the Brooklyn Nine-Nine crew also put in a decent showing:
- While driving:
  Jess: Man, I thought I had this city licked, but in the end it was me who got licked.
  Jake: Wait, did that actually happen? 'Cause there have been some reported lickings recently, and if you got a good look at the guy...
  Jess: I was obviously speaking metaphorically.
  Jake: Right, me too. Our city is wonderful, it's a great place to walk around.
- After the car crash, Jake assures Jess that if she goes to the 99th Precinct to seek compensation, she will be treated with nothing less than absolute respect, compassion and courtesy. Cut to Jess dealing with Gina, possibly the human avatar of the exact opposite of these qualities.
  Gina: [Slapping forms down onto the desk] Proof of ownership, liability release, waiver of responsibility, smog check, non-operation of a boat, waiver of somethin', liability release, yah-di-dah, dah-di-dah, and... dah.
  Jess: [Pointing to a form] This is an application to join the NYPD softball team.
  Gina: You think I like sitting here handing you form after form?
  Jess: Kind of.
  Gina: (Impressed) You're right. I do. God. It's like you're in here. [Taps the side of her forehead]
- Pretty much Jess's entire scene with Captain Holt.
  Captain Holt: Well, you know what I always say; things happen for a reason—
  Jess: Yes! And the reason that New York sucked was because I was supposed to catch them cheating—
  Captain Holt: No, you didn't let me finish.
  Jess: —Because I wasn't supposed to end up with him!
  Captain Holt: I was saying, "things happen for a reason, and that reason is random chance."
  Jess: No, you were right the first time! New York wasn't kicking my ass, it was nudging it gently in the right direction! [Gasps] Just like you are right now!
  Captain Holt: ... Yes. Yes, that's what's happening.

Halloween IV

Amy announces the Halloween heist by daintily ringing a triangle only to be interrupted by Jake coming in and announcing it by using loud airhorns. And then, when Jake is making the announcement, Holt interrupts him with a marching band playing "Ride of the Valkyries" as if to get back at him.
- Amy and Jake's reactions to this are amusing.
  Jake: Such a dork.
  Amy: (at the same time) So cool.
Jake claims Amy's victory at the last Halloween heist doesn't count, since she was a surprise participant and gets surprisingly extreme in his insults.
Jake: Ames, what are you doing? I always announce the heist!
Charles: Yeah, Amy, what the hell are you doing?
Amy: Exercising my right to announce the heist as the defending champion.
Jake: (scoffs) Defending champion. The only reason you won is 'cause no one knew you were even playing. It was a pathetic act of pure cowardice.
Terry: Whoa, she's your girlfriend, Peralta!
Jake: Not tonight, she isn't. (to Amy) Although don't kiss anyone else. I love you so much.
At the end of the Cold Open, Hitchcock uses a siren to get everyone's attention. Because of Amy, Jake, and Holt, everyone naturally assumes he's trying to announce the Halloween heist, too.
Hitchcock: (siren wails) Attention, everyone!
Rosa: Enough, we know, the heist is happening.
Hitchcock: No! My ex-wife just died. No more alimony, baby!
Holt's trash talk gets... surprisingly graphic.
Holt: You and Santiago should quit now. I'm going to stomp on your dreams.
Amy: It's fun to see you so passionate.
Holt: I will slit you both open from mouth to anus and wear you like jackets.
Jake: Huh, is it weird that that turned me on a little bit?
[Hitchcock and Scully of all people nod]
Amy's childhood kaboodle apparently had pictures of a young Al Gore.
Amy: Is that my childhood kaboodle?
Jake: It most certainly is, but don't worry, I removed the scrunchies, old report cards, and photos of young Al Gore. I'm better looking than him, anyway.
Holt: We're talking a young Al Gore? (both he and Amy laugh) Peralta, you do make me laugh.
Jake: Okay, stings a little bit.
Holt throws Jake's plan off by picking Boyle to be his partner, leaving Jake with Gina as his partner.
Jake: I totally planned everything for Charles! This is a nightmare!
Gina: Ew, what can Charles Boyle do that I can't?
Jake: Rollerskate like an angel.
Gina: Whore, I'm great on skates!
Gina badly overestimates her abilities:
Gina: I can do anything Charles can.
Jake: Except look exactly like the body double I got for him. Bill! You can come out now.
[Bill, a guy who looks exactly like Charles, if a little taller and younger, walks out]
Amy attempts to plan for the heist with Rosa.
Amy: So, I believe the key to good teamwork is an equal exchange of ideas—
Rosa: Stop. I know you already have a plan. And I want to win, so for the next eight hours, I am down with aaaaall your nerdy crap. Come on, Amy. Show me the binder.
(Amy breathes in sharply)
- Rosa's voice when saying, "Show me the binder" was also amusingly seductive.
Amy has a virtual binder and a holographic 3-D map of the precinct.
Amy: Okay, but it's not a binder. It's a virtual binder, and it's encrypted on this flashdrive.
Rosa: That's my girl. Now, where's the 3-D model of the precinct?
Amy: Inside the keychain. It's a frickin' hologram.
Rosa: Yes.
After Holt tells Charles that he only picked him for his team to throw Peralta off and really had no use for Charles now:
Charles: I feel so used! Am I just a piece of meat to you?
Holt: Yes. Now put on a smile, Pork Chop.
Hitchcock and Scully try to get Terry to reveal his heist plan, but Terry insists that he is really trying to stay out of the heist.
Hitchcock: Come clean, or we'll tell everyone about your mistress.
Terry: I don't have a mistress.
Hitchcock: You don't? But you're so good-looking! What's the point?
Gina tries to coach Bill through posing as her.
Gina: No, Bill, you gotta stand like me. I'm kind of like a young Brando, so give it that energy. Okay, yeah, you're doing the best you can with the tools that you have.
Jake attempts to small talk with Bill while Gina implements the rest of the plan.
Jake: So, Bill, do you have a real job, or...?
Bill: I'm the third in a lot of marriages. I got a nice, soft face so I don't intimidate the husbands.
Jake: Hmm, strange, the random person I hired off the streets of Brooklyn is a weirdo.
Jake's plan to steal the plaque worked. He replaced all the doorknobs to lock from the outside and had Gina lock Teams Holt and Amy in their rooms. He's gloating while the others are trying to escape their rooms. Then...
Jake: Ah, trying to pick the lock, el capitan? That'll take at least three minutes, by which time I'll have taken this plaque and hidden it somewhere you will never find it.
[Jake breaks the lock and takes the plaque]
Jake: Voila. Of course you could break the window, but you would never knowingly break government property, would you?
(Before Jake even finished speaking Holt throws a computer screen through the window)
Jake: Welp, misread that one.
After Gina crashes into a pillar when roller skating:
Jake: Oh, Gina, are you okay?
Gina: (grins, revealing her missing front teeth) It'th cool! I'm fine! Ain't no thang! (does the thumbs up sign)
Jake: Totally, girl! You look good!
Gina is then immediately taken to the couch in Holt's office. Gina's response to her pain?
Gina: (lisping) It hurth tho bad. I hope to God I'm not humbled by thith.
"I'm just so sick of roller skating's dangerous image. We're not all bad boys."
After Gina decides she'll go by herself to the dentist:
Holt: And, despite our natural desire to stop everything, you'd like us to soldier on in your absence and keep the heist going?
Gina: Yeah, that'th fine.
Holt: Well, you heard the lady. She insists we continue. (Terry gives him a bewildered look) Let's mop up this blood and get back at it!
Amy: With all due respect, sir, I don't think that's the best idea. (Holt looks at her in confusion) The blood is dry. We can just clean it up after.

Holt: Oh, agreed!

Charles has to struggle so much to actively work against Jake that he faints.
Holt: I say we reset the plaque and start over.
Jake: What? But my team had it! Charles, tell him.
Charles: No, Jake. We're resetting.
Jake: Charles, what are you saying?
Charles: The plaque... goes... back! (faints, and Holt catches him)
Holt: (whispers) Yes, Pork Chop. Yes.
Amy's Adorkable glee at Rosa going completely with her plan, with The Baby-Sitters Club codenames and all.
Rosa: I have eyes on Kristy, Stacey, and Claudia.
Amy: (gasps) You used their code names! You read the plans, addenda and all!
Rosa: Damn right, I did. I told you, I'm all in.
Amy: And you didn't make fun of me for basing it all on The Baby-Sitters' Club!
Rosa: And I even did your suggested reading of Kristy's Big Day.
Amy: You did?!
Rosa: Calm down. You're such a Mary Anne.
Amy: I AM! IT'S TRUE!
Bill keeps reminding Jake that he's willing to do whatever Jake wants, since Jake is paying. This kind of creeps Jake out.
Jake: Thanks for coming back, Bill. I really needed a teammate.
Bill: Hey man, you're paying.
Jake: Yeah. You can take the wig off if you want.
Bill: Whatever you want, man. You're paying.
Jake: Could you stop saying that, Bill? It's making me a little uncomfortable.
Bill: All right, man, it's your money.
Jake: That's the same thing.
After a pizza delivery person comes in with a pizza for Holt, Jake accuses Holt of calling the pizza delivery guy in as a distraction. Holt adamantly insists he wasn't behind this.
Holt: Oh, if I were trying to distract you, I would have sent you the pizza. This was all your doing, you and your male prostitute.
Jake: Bill is not a male prostitute, I don't think.
"WHO HIRED YOU? WHO DO YOU WORK FOR, PIZZA MAN?"
Jake, Amy, Charles and Holt continue to try and figure out who sent all the pizza delivery people and stole the plaque.
Jake: I know one of you took the plaque. And I swear on my living mother's future grave, I'm not gonna let you get away with it!
Charles: Or it was you, Jake. You love pizza.
Amy: It's true. You had it for breakfast this morning.
Jake: When pizza's on a bagel, you can eat pizza anytime!
Naturally, they all accuse Terry of the pizza distraction.
Rosa: (dragging Terry into the room by the arm) Look who I found hiding in the interrogation room: this guilty son-of-a-bitch.
Terry: Still your sergeant. Look, I wasn't hiding. I was doing my work. Hitchcock and Scully were with me.
Jake: Were they, or perhaps were they distracted by your brilliant pizza ruse?
Scully: Totally distracted. I ate two whole pies. Folded 'em up like tacos.
Amy: You're suspect number one, Jeffords.
Terry: Whatever.
Holt: (mockingly) "Whatever." Spoken like a common criminal.
When Amy and Rosa leave to go back to their planning room after Terry refuses to confess, Rosa walks by Terry and snaps his suspenders. Poor Terry yelps in pain, and even Scully and Hitchcock wince in sympathy.
After Rosa and Amy successfully complete their plan and get the plaque:
Rosa: Gotta hand it to you... beautiful plan.
Amy: Beautiful execution.
Rosa: It's kind of like we're our own baby-sitter's club.
Amy: (gasps) Oh, my God, I don't want tonight to ever end!
(Rosa rolls her eyes and smiles fondly)
After Holt quickly figures out who has the plaque:
Charles: This is so frustrating! There's no way of knowing who has the plaque.
Holt: Amy and Rosa have it.
Charles: What? How do you know?
Holt: Diaz usually favors her left leg, but after "zero dark pizza", she was suddenly favoring her right.
Charles: Yes, yes, which means that she... was... (expecting Holt to finish the sentence)
Holt: (confused) You trailed off and didn't finish speaking. Continue.
Charles: ...I don't want to.
Holt found out where Amy's secret cigarette stash is by intentionally stressing her out.
Holt: Whenever she gets stressed out, she smokes. And it's almost too easy to stress her out.
(flashback to Holt walking over to Amy's desk)
Holt: Oh, Santiago, I... never mind.
Amy: What is it? What? I got to go. (walks to the ladies' restroom, where her cigarette stash is)
Holt: (follows her, sees her walking into the ladies' restroom) Bingpot.
Charles thinks Holt is referring to him when he's actually referring to Cheddar. He makes this mistake twice.
Holt: And now it's time to send in our cute little secret weapon.
Charles: I'm ready, Captain. Love the nickname.
Holt: No, Charles, not you. (brings out Cheddar) I was talking about Cheddar.
Charles: Oh, right. Obviously.
Holt: Over the past month, I've had him trained to retrieve plaques. And now, boy, it's time to make Daddy proud.
Charles: Yes, sir.
Holt: I could not have been more clearly talking to the dog.
Jake makes Charles jealous of his closeness to Bill to get information about where Holt hid the plaque.
Jake: I guess I have a new best friend. And his name... is Bill.
Charles: You're not serious. He's just a prop for the heist.
Jake: Sure, it started out that way. [Takes Bill's hand] But you know how these things go. Spending time together. Sharing intimate secrets. [Pats Bill's shoulder] Laughing about nothing in particular. [Laughs]
Bill: Cabbage!
Charles: (Anguished) Holt has the plaque! It's hidden in the evidence room in a box marked "Cold Cases 1972"!
Jake: Thanks bud! We will always be best friends! [Runs out with Bill]
Charles: You hear that, Bill?! Nobody likes you!
After over a season, the "name of Amy's sex tape" joke makes its grand return.
Amy: I just got it out of the vent to rub it in your faces!
Jake: "I Just Got It Out Of The Vent To Rub It In Your Faces." Name of your sex tape.
Blacklights suddenly illuminate the room, and everyone gets to see exactly how disgusting the precinct is. And then they see Scully and Hitchcock's desk, which is covered in weird stains.
Amy insults poor Terry after he's once again suspected of stealing the plaque, and Holt joins in:
Amy: Not to be harsh, Sarge, but you are setting a terrible example for your daughters and they are gonna grow up to be total failures!
Terry: You take that back!
Holt: No, she's right, Jeffords. Your children are doomed.
Terry attempts to leave the room, only to be stopped by Rosa.
Terry: I don't need this. (walks towards the door)
Rosa: You're not going anywhere. (whips out two batons)
Terry: Damn, Rosa!
After it's revealed that Gina stole the plaque:
Jake: Gina! Of course! It all makes sense, except for the parts I don't understand and the fact that I still kind of think Terry did this.
While Gina describes how she pulled off the heist:
Gina: (lisping) Three weekth ago, Captain Holt athked me to order a plaque that read "The Ultimate Detective-Thlath-Geniuth." I did it, and I ordered three copieth and a statue of Tyrethe riding a dolphin.
Rosa: Is that relevant?
Gina: To my life, yeth.
Even when describing how she executed her plan, Gina still makes time to insult Amy.
Gina: ^note I came back wearing the perfect disguise to make sure I was never noticed by anyone. Something so drab and uninspiring...
Amy: This feels like it's gonna be a dig on me.
Gina: I wore Amy's clothes.
Amy: There it is.
Amy tries to defend her pantsuit.
Amy: That suit is not drab. It has a fun salmon lining.
Gina: No, Amy, it made me invisible.
Terry apparently calls everything dumb.
Terry: Everyone should wear suspenders! Belts are dumb!
Terry: People should swim forward. The backstroke is dumb!
Terry: 30 grams of fat? Hummus is dumb!
- Gina even mockingly mouths along with what he's saying in the last one.
Gina justifies why she stole the plaque by saying that the fact that the heist is for the title of "Ultimate Detective/Genius" is discriminatory towards her:
Gina: Detective. Can you imagine what that word sounds like to someone who's not a detective? Discriminatory! It's worse than segregation!
Holt and Terry: (shake their heads) Uh-uh.
Gina: Too far? Sorry.
Everyone chanting for Gina to take off her false teeth at the end of the episode.
Gina: I'm invinthible!

Monster in the Closet

Holt's passive-aggressive destruction of his balloon arch when Amy and Terry denounce it; he grabs a pen and begins popping each balloon one by one while staring coldly at them. This even continues when the camera's off him and focusing on Terry and Amy having a separate conversation.
Boyle screaming like a little girl at finding Pimento in the closet.
Pimento and Diaz decide to get married, but Pimento really wants her to wear his grandmother's earrings at their wedding. Jake and Gina try to help Pimento get the earrings back from a pawn shop, but the shop burned down. Pimento takes this as a sign that the universe doesn't want him and Diaz to get married. Jake tells him that's crazy, but Gina says they could cut Diaz's ears off so her lack of earrings isn't an issue. Pimento says, "Thank you! (glares at Jake) Someone's trying to help!"
When things keep going wrong as Pimento and Diaz try to arrange their wedding, Pimento becomes increasingly convinced that the universe doesn't want them to get married. Eventually Jake and Amy realize that Pimento and Diaz are subconsciously trying to sabotage their own wedding because neither one of them is ready for it, and Jake tells this to Pimento.
Pimento: I was my own sign the whole time? Wow, that's a real M. Night Shyamalan twist! [gasps] Signs! Wait, do you think he's been behind all of this?!
Jake: I do not.
At the very end, when Rosa goes to Holt's office to thank him for his contribution to the wedding, Holt reacts very cagily and refuses to let her in. When Rosa eventually barges her way in, she discovers he's built a balloon arch over his desk, which leads to this little moment:
Rosa: Oh my God, Captain... she is magnificent.
Holt: VindicaTIOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOON!

Mr. Santiago

During the Cold Open, Jake hosts a contest to see who can do the best Holt impression - specifically, of Holt's reaction to eating a marshmallow for the first time. Boyle's impression is a high pitched giggle, which Jake shoots down in favor of everyone else's more deadpan contributions. When Holt comes by and Jake casually offers him a marshmallow, he reacts exactly as Boyle predicted.
Jake explains to Terry that he learned everything he could about Amy's father to make a good impression, including his favorite font.
Terry: Seriously? Who has a favorite font?
Jake: The Santiagos do. All of them.
Jake's Lame Comeback to Amy's dad disapproval of him.
Mr. Santiago: You're not good enough for my Amy. I don't want my only daughter dating a screw-up!
Jake: Oh, yeah?! Well, I don't want my only girlfriend daughtering a jerk dad! Burn on you!

Skyfire Cycle

Jake decides to use the floor-waxing time period as the opportunity to do, as he puts it, "full bullpen", which is to slide across the floor, wearing socks, straight from the office he and the rest of the team are huddled in all the way over to the elevator. Ramping up the funny is when the elevator door opens just as Jake is about to reach it, and he sails in to encounter Captain Holt. A few moments later...
Holt: [walks out with Jake in tow, then holds up Jake's hand in victory] THE FULL BULLPEN!
Jake scoffs at the Nine-Five for being excited that their case is on TV, claiming that everyone's been on the local news. When Rosa asks him what case he was on the news for:
Jake: Well, it wasn't exactly a case...
[flashback to 1998, with Jake being interviewed by a news reporter]
Jake: Ska defines who I am as a person, and I will never turn my back on ska! (starts skanking to ska music)
[end flashback]
Jake: Looking back, I have no regrets.
Rosa: You should.
Jake: Yep.
Terry does not take people comparing The Skyfire Cycle to Game of Thrones very well.
Charles: Oh, so it's a Game of Thrones type of thing?
Terry: No, Game of Thrones is a Skyfire type of thing! Get your head out of your ass!
After Terry tells Jake and Rosa about the advice DC Parlov gave him as a kid to write his own story:
Terry: And that's what happened. Little Terry wrote his own story!
Jake: Yeah, Little Terry got buuuuuuff!
Terry: Little Terry got emotionally healthy.
Jake: Yeah, and jaaaaacked.
Terry: You know what? He did get jacked! Way to go, Little Terry! Big pecs comin' through!
"Oh no, never meet your heroes! Marie Callender was a real bitch."
After Charles tells Gina there is no changing the Boyle clan vacation destination from Iowa:
Charles: Sorry, the cousins voted, and it was unanimous. We're going to Iowa. We've already rented the tent! (walks away)
Gina: "Tent" singular? Charles, "tent" singular?!
After Holt and Kevin ask Amy and Rosa to tell whose answer to a famous math problem they think is right^note:
Amy: Kevin is right.
Holt: (Beat) You're fired.
Terry's reactions to meeting Parlov are endearingly awkward. When Jake introduces Terry to Parlov, Terry peeks out from behind the door and meekly says "hi." Then he shuffles into the bullpen and stands hunched into himself.
Jake: (to Parlov) He usually stands much taller than that.
Terry and Parlov recite a very long quote from one of the Skyfire Cycle.
Parlov: As the Cloud Rock says—
Terry and Parlov: "You have found yourself in your struggle."
Jake: Wow.
Terry and Parlov: "The truth is what you came for, and you found it within your strife."
Jake: Well, that was cool.
Terry and Parlov: "Be brave for Tolgan!"
Jake: There's more.
Terry and Parlov: "Tolgan the last, Tolgan the first, Tolgan."
Jake: "Tolgan...!" (beat) Is it over?
After meeting Parlov:
Terry: This is the best day of my life!
Jake: You have three kids, Terry.
Terry: I said what I said.
Charles attempts to respond to Gina's trash talk after she convinces one of the Boyle cousins to vote for vacation in Aruba instead of Iowa.
Gina: I'd tell you to pack sunscreen, but— Mm! Looks like you already got burned.
Charles: Uh-oh, did I? [licks his hand] 'Cause my skin still tastes pretty raw!
Gina: Ew.
"You think you can pick us off one by one?... Well, you can. Boyles are very weak as individuals."
Poor Sam is left very confused as both Charles and Gina beckon him to stay in the room and come with Gina, respectively.
Gina: Come on, Sam. (Sam starts walking with her)
Charles: Sam, stay. (Sam stops walking and turns to Charles)
Gina: Sam, come. (whistles, and Sam turns to her)
Charles: Sam, stay. (Sam turns to Charles)
Gina: Come on. (Sam turns to Gina)
Charles: (higher pitched) Sam, stay. (Sam turns to Charles)
Gina: (higher pitched) Come on, come on. (Sam turns to Gina)
Charles: (still high pitched) Stay. (Sam turns to Charles)
Gina: Come.
Charles: (clicks tongue) Stay.
Terry and Jake go undercover as disgruntled and sexist fanboys who have a petition to make the dragon character a male.
Terry: Sign our petition to make Qwandor the dragon a male!
Jake: We have enough girl characters! We don't need a third!
- One of the fanboys asks to sign the fake petition.
  Fanboy: Are you the guys passing out the Qwandor petition?
  Jake: Yep, that's us. Dragons have dongs.
  Fanboy: You bet they do. And this isn't about sexism. I mean, it's just women aren't strong enough to be dragons.
Holt and Kevin spent the day after first bringing up the Monty Hall problem pettily dissing the other's knowledge of statistics.
Amy: Good evening, sir.
Holt: No, it's not. I haven't slept because I've been going over that stupid problem. Now I finally understand Kevin's side.
Rosa: Cool, so it's all better and I never have to hear about math again?
Holt: Quite the opposite. I know better than ever how incorrect he is.
[flashback to earlier]
Holt: Probability doesn't kick in. Do I have to teach you college level statistics?
Kevin: I don't know. Do I have to teach you high school statistics?
Holt: Do I have to teach you eighth grade statistics?
Kevin: Do I have to teach you seventh grade statistics?
Holt: Do I have to teach you—?
[back to present]
Holt: Now, if you'll excuse me, detectives, I have to leave him a snide voicemail about kindergarten statistics.
When Amy and Rosa are discussing what to do about Holt and Kevin's fighting, it results in Amy making a lot of Freudian Slips:
Rosa: It's not about the math. They haven't seen each other because of the night shift. They just need to bone.
Amy: What?! Gross! Rosa, those are our dads! (Rosa gives her a perplexed look) I mean—that's not what I think. Captain Dad is just my boss.
Rosa: Wow.
Amy: Never mind, I'm teaching Father the math! (Rosa cocks her head, bemused and amused) Whatever, Rosa! (Amy storms off)
When Jake suggests that Parlov could be sending the death threats to himself, Terry adamantly disagrees and suggests that he and Jake just go over to his hotel and ask for an explanation.
Jake: Whatever you need.
Terry: SCREW YOU, PERALTA! (Jake looks at him, perplexed) I'm sorry, I thought you were gonna disagree. Thank you for your support. It really means a lot to me.
Rosa casually tells Holt that he and Kevin "need to bone". The inelegant yelped whimper from Amy is followed by Holt asking Diaz what she said, whereupon she repeats herself, further squicking Amy. A 40-minute rant from Holt ensues on the inappropriateness of her statement:
Holt: Hooooooww dare you, Detective Diaz? I am your SUPERIOR OFFICER!
(five minutes later)
Holt: (in the doorway of his office) BOOOOOOONE?!?!?!
(ten minutes later)
Holt: (back next to Diaz's and Santiago's desks) What happens in my bedroom, Detective, is none of your business.
(21 minutes later)
Holt: (once again in the doorway of his office) BOOOOOOOONE?!?!?!?!
(40 minutes later)
Holt: (calmly, in front of Diaz and Santiago) Don't ever speak to me like that again. (walks back to his office)
Amy: (faintly) Why did you do that?
Rosa: Dude was pent up. Now he knows. Problem solved.
- Here is Holt's rant, in all its glory, because just describing it doesn't do it justice.
- In the background, while Holt is ranting, Amy alternates between avoiding Holt's gaze with a terrified look on her face and rocking back and forth nervously in her chair, whereas Rosa just stares off nonchalantly.
- Another Funny Background Event is the crowd of other officers that Holt doesn't even seem to notice gathering around to watch the fireworks.
After Gina rejoices about managing to convince the Boyles to change their vacation destination to Aruba, she notices that Charles is grinning at her:
Gina: What? Why are you smiling? I don't get it. I won.
Charles: Did you? You were so busy trying to beat the Boyles, you became one. You learned about our likes and dislikes, our allergies and our phobias. You even brought cousin Sherman a scrunchy for his ponytail.
Gina: Yeah, so I could win.
Charles: And you did win... a plot in the family cemetery. All of us together, lying in a grave for eternity! (walks off happily)
Gina: "Grave" singular? Charles, "grave" singular?!
The next shift, Holt walks into the precinct much happier, though not for the reasons Amy hoped.
Amy: So your fight with Kevin is over?
Holt: Yep!
Amy: Because you understand the math now?
Holt: Nope.
Rosa: Because you guys—
Holt: Yep.
Rosa: Knew it. (turns to Amy) See, what happened is your dads had sex.
Amy: Okay, Rosa! [runs off while Rosa grins, smugly]
Jake apparently has an unfortunate habit of accidentally pantsing his heroes... so of course, since he considers Terry his hero, he ends up pantsing him at the end of the episode.
Jake: (sobbing) It happened again! It happened again, Terry!

The Overmining

Two Words: Dianne Wiest Infection.
Boyle: Like YEAST!!!
Holt calls Jake "Son," and Jake calls Holt "Dad." Neither notices.
Charles and Rosa discover that the foot massage parlor they've been going to to relieve the stresses of the night shift is a front for a money laundering scheme. They're reluctant to bust the place though, so they try to justify allowing it to remain open:
Charles: Damn it! We have to shut them down!
Rosa: Wait! Let's not be hasty about this, let's think this through. We want to be smart about this.
Charles: Right, I mean, what if we bust them tonight, and then tomorrow I'm chasing a murderer, and I'm about to get him, and my foot cramps up?
Rosa: Due to lack of massaging!
Charles: And then the murderer gets away!
Rosa: Know who he kills next? The mayor!
Charles: Oh, my God, the city has no mayor now!
Rosa: It's chaos! Rioting! Looting! Panic in the streets...
Charles: They gotta call in the National Guard! There's tanks rolling down 5th Avenue, declaring martial law!
Rosa: It's insane! All because we shut down a foot massage place...
Charles: ...that was doing God's work! What were we thinking?
Rosa: So it's agreed: we let them stay open. [holds out her hand] For the sake of the city!
Charles: [shakes Rosa's hand] For the sake of the city!
(Beat)
Rosa: (annoyed) We have to do our stupid jobs, don't we?
Charles: (annoyed) Yeah, let me get my stupid gun...
- Even as they finally bust the massage parlor, they're still more upset at the employees for forcing them to shut them down than they are for the actual crime:
  Rosa: NYPD! Get down on the comfortable matted floor!
  Charles: Put your magical hands where we can see them!
  Rosa: You're under arrest for ruining something perfect!
  Charles: (whispering) And money laundering.
  Rosa: Yes, money laundering, whatever!

Captain Latvia

Holt fakes a bomb threat to get out of the caroling.
- After the MTA confronts the Holt and makes a crack about the Nine-Nine being the only bomb, Amy replies with an incredibly Lame Comeback.
  Amy: Oh yeah? Well, the only train in here is the train...
  Terry: Tell 'em, Amy.
  Amy: Train... Train... ing... training wheels...
  Terry: You're circling, find it.
  Amy: ... Wheels! You are weels!
  Terry: Nope. [hangs his head]
Hitchcock rapping. That is all.
Hitchcock: Pop! Pop! Dropping bodies, it’s a stick up your punk as-
Holt: No, Hitchcock. There's no rapping, you grossly misread the situation.
- After the first failed attempt at the carolling, Hitchcock brings this up again, resulting in this gem of an exchange.
  Hitchcock: My rapping’s still on the table.
  Holt: It’s not even in the dining room!
Jake and Charles get stuck when Boyle pulls Jake into an extremely tight parking spot to prevent Jake from stopping him from storming a warehouse full of armed men.
Jake: Charles! Stop scootching!
Charles: I am going to scootch! You don't tell me when to scootch!
Jake: Ugh. I can't get by! Curse my beautiful bubble butt!
Charles: See! All Boyle men are blessed with a flat ass, which is perfect for scootching!
Jake: Why are you acting this way?
Charles: Because I made a promise to my son! You can't understand 'cause you're not a father! You never will be!
Jake: Hey! Yes, I will!
Charles: When, Jake? we're all waiting!
Jake: What are we even arguing about now?
Charles: It's about me saving Christmas, duh! Oh, dammit! My pants are snagged!
Jake: Ah-HA! Now you have to wait for backup!
Charles: No. I. Don't. I'm gonna shimmy them off. [Starts shimmying his pants off while maintaining full eye contact with Jake]
Jake: (disgusted) Oh, God. The eye contact is the worst part.
Charles: [Gets the pants off] I told you, Jake, I'll do anything to perk up my little man!
Jake: You gotta know how gross that sounds in your underwear!
Charles's flat ass gets brought up two more times in the episode. Once after Charles calls his ass "a sexy piece of drywall" and a second tome after, upon witnessing Nikolaj play with a police action figure on Christmas Day, Boyle swoons into Genivive's arms.
Genevive: Oh! Honey, that flat ass is perched right on top of my ute[rus]!
Jake: I'm gonna pretend none of that was said for the sake of the child.

The Fugitive

Holt and Rosa are trying to ask a non-English speaking witness what language she speaks.
Holt: (speaking slowly and miming tying a necktie) Where were you born?
Rosa: What are you miming there sir?
Holt: (still miming) A child tying a tie. I'm trying to do a simple half-Windsor so she knows I'm a baby. (talking slowly) Look at this. See how basic this knot is?
The running gag about Jake's apartment and how incredibly grungy it is, including a filthy gray towel that apparently came with the apartment, is impossible to get rid of, and somehow becomes even more disgusting every time its brought up. Jake eventually starts anthropomorphizing it as his and Amy's third roommate, until at one point Amy tries to set it on fire:
Amy: (holds a lighter to it, which does nothing) Why won't it burn?
Jake: Because it never fully dries!
Amy: (pulls an incredibly disgusted face)
Jake and Terry are trying to figure out where the last escaped convict is.
Jake: Think; if I was an escaped perp, where would I hide? [suddenly gasps as if having a revelation]
Terry: Where?
Jake: Oh, I have no idea. I just thought if I gasped, I could force an epiphany. [Dramatically] And I did! [Terry turns to him expectantly] No, that didn't work either. [Terry begins to look impatient] Or did it?! Still no. Unless—
Terry: Stop it, Jake!
Doug Judy hates his foster brother because George stole from his mother, burned their house down, and stole Doug's vinyl copy of Phil Collins' ''No Jacket Required''.
Doug: It's my favourite album, haven't heard it in twenty years.
Jake: I mean... can't you just stream it?
Doug: I can't do that to Phil. "Sussudio" demands vinyl.
Rosa admires Marshawn Lynch for his taciturn public nature, and is disillusioned to discover that in private he's incredibly chatty about the most mundane topics.
Captain Holt: What's [the non-English speaking witness] trying to tell us?
Rosa: I dunno. Probably "never meet your heroes, because they're gonna turn out to be friendly".
Captain Holt: You need to get over this Marshawn Lynch situation real quick.
Holt is scolding Jake for working with Doug Judy and letting all his charges be dropped.
Holt: Do you know how many crimes we're forgiving? Six...
Jake: That's not so bad...
Holt: Hundred!
Jake: Oh, that's way more.
Holt: Grand theft auto, grand theft auto, grand theft auto, dog fraud.
Doug: I sold a guy a fake Pekingese. 'Twas a cat!
Holt: You will not win me over with your use of twas'.
Doug: 'Twasn't trying to.
Jake: (snickers)
Holt: You are clearly friends with this man, and you have lost your objectivity, Peralta.
Jake: Or have you lost your objectivity! (stands up, Doug follows) (whispers to Doug) What are you doing?
Doug: (whispering) My bad, thought we were leaving.
Jake: (whispering)'' No, I'm just making a point. Sit down.
Rosa parkours to the top of a wall with ease after Terry claims it's impossible to climb.
Terry: Damn, Rosa! How did you do that?!
Rosa: I have a dark past.
- Cut to young Rosa performing in an gymnastics competition and smiling.
  Rosa: Now you know my greatest shame.
Amy and Gina try to teach Charles how to text properly.
Charles: Look, if you can't accept who I am, I don't need this chain.
Gina: Okay, great.
Charles: (panicking) No, no, no, I need to be included so badly I'll do whatever you say. I literally have zero pride.
Gina: That's what I like to hear.
Amy: Oh, Charles...

The Audit

Upon learning that the precinct is being audited:
Rosa: Are they going to be looking in our desks? Also, unrelated, someone left a bunch of swords in my desk.
Hitchcock: I have a similar question about browser history.
Holt: Just throw your computer away.
Hitchcock: Roger that.
On seeing the arrival of the precinct auditor:
Rosa: Isn't that Teddy? Amy's ex-boyfriend?
Amy: (wide-eyed and strangled) Yep.
Rosa: Jake, didn't you break them up?
Jake: Yep.
Rosa: Amy, didn't you tell him to his face he was the most boring man alive?
Amy: Yep.
Rosa: This is gonna be awkward.
Amy and Jake: (in unison) Yep.
Rosa: (resigned) We had a good run.
Everyone freaking out over Teddy's notes and retreating into a cramped closet.
Holt: (arriving with Terry) Make space!
Jake: You make space! This closet is for people who are freaking out!
Holt: Oh, I am fully freaking out. I just experimented with an unfamiliar acronym in public. "BRB", what does it even mean?
Jake: "Be right back".
Holt: It has the same number of syllables as the acronym, what's the point?
[Jake and Amy nod]
- Eventually Charles and Rosa also join them.
  Rosa: Teddy dinged the one-five for having roaches.
  Jake: So what? We don't have roaches. Our rats ate all of them!
  Rosa: That's the problem! We have rats!
Charles discusses the use of wolf urine to scare away rats like how he used it on Nikolaj's shoes hoping to scare away bullies.
Rosa: Did it work?
Charles: Nope. Now they call him pee-boy. It's much worse off.
Jake and Amy are freaking out over how boring Teddy is.
Jake: How did you ever date him? Oh no... He has a really big wiener, doesn't he? Wait! Don't tell me if it's true! Unless it's not. But no if you don't say anything I'll know that it is! Gah! Why aren't you saying anything about his wiener, Amy?
Amy: (trying to calm him down) Jake...
Jake: Stop, stop, stop, I don't want to hear about your ex's wiener. You are not making me feel better! How could you do this to me?
Amy: [grabs Jake's shoulders and shakes him around] Jake, stop spiraling!
Jake: Every time you shake me, I see it flopping!
Holt finds out that Terry finally managed to fix the expensive Japanese copier:
Holt: I've never been more proud of you for anything in your life.
Terry: I mean... I've solved a lot of cases for you?
Holt: (completely deadpan) And yet crime has continued.
Teddy proposes to Amy... in front of his current girlfriend. And then tries to pretend like nothing happened when he gets turned down.
Teddy: (calmly, to Rachel) Okay, should we hit up the Tenement Museum?
Rachel, Amy, and Jake: (in unison) No!

Serve and Protect

Amy's poor attempt at getting information from Lieutenant Hopkins:
Amy: Hey it's time for some girl talk! (awkward pause) Lemme see that bra!
Hopkins: Excuse me?
Jake tries to sidetrack Rosa when confronted about his offer to be an executive producer.
Rosa: Listen to yourself. You are letting this cloud your judgment.
Jake: I love clouds! They keep the sun away on hot days.
Rosa: He doesn't want us to solve the case. He's buying us off. He's shady.
Jake: I love the shade. It keeps the sun away on hot days.
When Holt and Charles are persuading Commissioner Grayson to change the 99's auditor, a young Asian woman shows up.
Woman: Hey, sexy! Ready to go?
Grayson: That's my... goddaughter.
Charles stops Holt from going through with their plan to blackmail the commissioner.
Charles: From now on, the only black male I want anything to do with is you.
Holt: That is incredibly inappropriate.
Charles: I know but I just thought of it. I was so proud I had to say it.
When confronted with accusations that he's the one who stole Cassie's laptop, Mark dramatically challenges Jake and Rosa to provide some proof:
Mark: Ridiculous. I've never been more insulted in my life. [standing up, getting increasingly dramatic] Your theory is outrageous, and what's more, it's just a theory. I dunno how cops around here do things, but where I come we're burdened with a little thing we like to call evidence, of which you don't have a shred.
Rosa: [drops an evidence bag on the table] We found Cassie's laptop in the trunk of your car.
Mark: I stand corrected. Yeah. You got me. I did it. Good job.

The Last Ride

Terry complains about Hitchcock's arrest record:
Terry: Besides, it's not about me wanting the record. It's about who currently has it: Hitchcock.
Rosa: Hitchcock?!? How is that possible?
Terry: He's been here 20 years longer than me, and New York City in the '80s was basically The Purge.
Hitchcock showing off his new arm tattoo to Terry. Hitchcock thinks it's him blowing smoke off a pistol barrel but Terry notes that it looks more like he is committing suicide.
Jake and Charles are gearing up with rarely used expensive equipment for their final drug bust case:
Jake: Time to gear up. It's not the best case ever without some toys.
Charles: Oh yeah, toys for boys!
Jake: I don't if I like that...
Charles: Adult toys!
Jake: Still sounds wrong...
Charles: Male toys?
Jake: Let's just not call them toys. It's my fault, I started it.
- They take so much equipment and weapons that they collapse under the weight in the hallway, and call out to Terry for help.
Scully and Hitchcock arrest the guy who came in to report a stolen phone when they overheard him gloating on the phone in the precinct toilet room about how he fooled the cops into thinking it was stolen. Of course, due to being on the toilet at the time, they both burst out of the stalls with their pants around their ankles. And the reason he didn't know they were there? Scully and Hitchcock press their feet against the stall door when they're sitting on the toilet.
Amy is delighted when Holt admits that he's been carrying out a nine-year mentoring plan for her all along (and has had a binder to go with it), but dismayed that it's going to end so soon.
Amy: There are ten hours left, sir. If you talk fast, you can teach me everything.
Holt: Interesting. ... Okay. You have to take notes, do you think you can keep up?
Amy: (cocky) Let's just say I was president of the Stenographers' Club in High School for a reason.
Holt: Was the reason because you were the only member?
Amy: (long pause) Yes.

Moo Moo

Jake and Amy call all their friends for advice on dealing with Terry's kids, and get a succession of terrible ideas.
Jake: Scully's idea is the most sensible one. We are living in strange times.
Rosa is unconvinced that Jake and Amy can take care of Terry's twins.
Amy: We figured out how to be good parents: TV and cake.
Jake: TV and cake were my parents. (nervous laughing)
Rosa: [glares at Jake]
Jake: [looks down sadly]
Amy: (comforting Jake) It's okay.
Terry is reprimanding Jake and Amy for letting the twins play with the car windows and losing Cagney's blanket, Moo Moo.
Terry: Cagney can't sleep without Moo Moo. And if Cagney doesn't sleep, Lacey doesn't sleep. And if Cagney and Lacey don't sleep...
Jake: Terry doesn't sleep.
Terry: No, Jake doesn't live!
Jake: Oh, my god.
Also kind of Heartwarming, when Terry is telling the rest of the Nine-Nine about his run-in with a racist cop, Rosa has a few casual questions:
Rosa: So what're you gonna do, slash his tires? You shouldn't do that, but just out of curiosity, what kind of car does he drive and where does he park it?
Jake assures Terry that he and Amy can watch his daughters again:
Jake: Trust me, there's nothing those little munchkins can throw at us that we can't handle.
Cagney: Why was Daddy in trouble with the policeman?
Jake: Uuuuuuuuhh... That's...complicated.
Lacey: Is it because he's black?
Jake and Amy: Uuuuuuuuuhhhhh...
Immediately following a sweet scene where Jake and Amy finally bite the bullet and talk to the girls about the situation with their dad, helping them feel better, Jake asks if they have any more questions. The girls ask them what an orgasm is. In a later scene Amy admits that she panicked and told them it was another word for "orange".
Terry: Yeah, it did make it awkward when they asked for "orgasm juice" this morning...
Although his discussion with Terry is mostly serious, Holt still can't quite stop himself from expressing his frustration and loathing for Kevin's friend Margo and her fixation with Scottsdale, Arizona from time to time.
The ending of the episode:
Holt: So Sharon is out of town, so who's looking after Cagney and Lacey?
- Gilligan Cut to Rosa and Gina screaming while tied up with skipping rope to two chairs, with Cagney and Lacey running circles around them.

Cop-Con

The Cold Open has Jake play the classic "hand on warm water" prank on a sleeping Hitchcock. Somehow, Hitchcock got his face in the water instead and had to be saved from drowning.
Last year, Amy apparently rode a police horse into the hotel pool.
Amy: Eight-drink Amy is an equestrian...and she's real bad at it.
Jake tells the squad that they can still party in Rochester behind Holt's back.
Jake: If there's one thing I know, it's how to sneak out to a party without your parents finding out. I used to do it all the time.
Amy: [squints at Jake]
Jake: Once.
Rosa: [also squints at Jake]
Jake: To go to a Magic: the Gathering tournament. I got stuck in the window like Winnie the Pooh. There, you know everything!
Amy: [unconvinced stare at Jake]
Jake: My mom had to pull me back in with my ponytail.
- After Jake admits that, Rosa and Amy can be seen nodding in a "there we go" kind of way.
During the con, Boyle tries out a device called the The Wasp, which can be used to disperse large crowds of young people by emitting a sound that only those 35 and under can hear. When Charles activates it, Rosa immediately starts screaming in pain ... which pushes Jake and Charles to pretend they're in pain as well.
Jake: Ah! I also hate the sound which I can definitely hear.
Charles: Me, too. It's so high-pitched ... or low-pitched! [shuts it off] Oh, that was bogus to the extreme!
Jake: Ugh, so bogus and not tubular. (completely deadpan) My ears are ringing from the pain of being young.
Charles: So not gnarly.
- It's even funnier when you think about the fact that Jake could actually pass for 35. It's Charles doing it that just hammers in the joke even further.
The gang has to throw their own party because the Boston cops who usually host the parties got arrested for accepting bribes. They claim it's because "they partied too hard".
When Holt is about to discover the party, Amy has to shush everyone. Rosa is impressed and it leads to an... interesting exchange with Jake when he compares Amy to a librarian with a noticeable note of arousal in his voice.
Rosa: You mean like a sexy librarian?
Jake: (sounding very aroused) No! Like a regular one!
Scully meets a woman who's basically a female version of himself, and is instantly smitten. Amy even refers to her as "female Scully". Even better, the attraction is mutual.
Woman: Your hands feel a bit clammy.
Scully: Yeah, they're covered in clams.
- Amy and Gina's attempts at coaching Scully in how to woo the woman, which includes writing down things he shouldn't talk about.
  Amy: Dont talk about your foot fungus. Or your eye fungus. In fact, just avoid fungus entirely.
  Scully: [later] Guess what my foot and my eye have in common! Oh wait. [looks at the list] Nothing.
Amy and Gina console Scully for messing up a chance with another woman.
Scully: (dejected) I'm no Hitchcock when it comes to the ladies.
Amy: You don't want to be.
Scully: He's fearless! I once saw him ask out a breastfeeding mother.
- "No, Scully, don't put your fingers in her mouth! ... No, wait. Oh. She likes it."
Hitchcock shouting "Beer me!" once Amy declares the party to be back on. A beer can hits the back of his head, knocking him out. When the partygoers react with shock, Jake throws his arms up and shouts to restart the hype.
When the gang wakes up after the party, they realize that they lost Holt's laptop over the course of the night, but since they can't remember anything they have to retrace their steps. Among other things, Terry shot Jake in the chest with a roman candle, Jake jumped into the pool to put the fire out and ended up wearing a pillowcase as a shirt, Amy threw up in said pillowcase, and Boyle threw a robot cop off the balcony.
Jake backpedalling furiously after Holt expresses his disappointment about seeing a photo of the whole precinct having a great time, except for himself.
Holt: I want to show you a picture from last night that really upset me.
Jake: Okay, but in my defense Rosa bet me 50 cents that I couldn't drink all that shampoo.
Holt: That's not what I wanted to— you drank shampoo?
Jake: What? No. You're the one farting bubbles.

Chasing Amy

Jake observes that Amy's panic levels have different signs. At level 1, she obsessively braids her hair. At level 2, she "creepily sings songs from the Great American Songbook". Cut to Amy creepily singing "You're A Grand Old Flag" while studying in bed, with Jake huddling next to her.
Jake: So, yeah, it's a little tough right now, but I think the worst is behind us.
Amy: (screaming at the microwave) WHY ARE YOU TAKING SO LONG TO COOK MY FRICKIN' OATMEAL?
[She rips it off the counter, flings it to the ground, beats it repeatedly with her baton and then stomps on it.]
This about Amy being worried about her test.
Jake: Ames, I don't want you to take this the wrong way, but you gotta calm the F-train down! You're gonna ace this test.
Amy: You think that because you love me, and love has made you dumb.
Jake: I disagree; if anything, love has made me smarter. Remember last week, when I boiled that egg?
Amy: (sincere) That was big. I was really proud of you.
Jake explaining the Practice Exam he planned
Jake: You ace it, you relax, you nail the real one, you become a sergeant, you make grateful love to me for fourteen hours straight.
Amy: Jake-
Jake: Fine, one hour. Fifteen minutes. Eight. Three but they're mind-blowing!
Jake conducts a practice test for Amy, inviting Hitchcock and Scully to eat loudly to provide accurate test conditions.
Hitchcock: (enthusiastically) Jake says we get to eat with our mouths open!
Scully: [holding a mountain of chip bags] What a day!
Holt reveals that he loved model trains when younger.
Holt: Those miniature tracks provided me with some of my happiest memories.
- Flashback to Holt as a child:
  Holt: All aboard! The train will be departing in 45 minutes. (starts waiting with clocks ticking in the background)
Terry gets too excited with setting up his model train set.
Terry: (deep, booming voice) Terry is your god. All hail Lord Terry, giver of life.
Terry: (using a high pitched voice for the miniature people) All hail Lord Terry!
Gina's suggestions for where Jake and Rosa should look for Amy.
Gina: Oh, uh, boring pantsuit store. A crossword factory? A museum of retainers and headgear? Is it possible to enter the color beige?
Rosa's scarily spot-on impression of Amy.^note
Rosa: (imitating Amy's voice) Don't worry, babe, you'll find me!
Charles warns Gina on what she will lose out by being banished by the Boyle family.
Charles: No Thanksgiving cards! No Christmas cards! No Valentine's cards! That's right! Imagine a Valentine's Day with no cards from your cousins!
Holt and Terry ask the disinterested kid whose model train set is better.
Kid: No, they look exactly the same.
Holt: Get out.
Holt and Terry find out the hard way that no one cares about trains anymore. Not just children — no one.
Holt: (on the phone) Kevin, you are not gonna believe this. Terry put Lo-V IRT Pullman rolling stock on a ballastless track. I was dying, Kevin, DYIN—yes, you can hang up now.

Your Honor

Amy, Charles, and Jake see Captain Holt's mother in his office.
Amy: You are looking at the Second Circuit Court of Appeals Judge Laverne Holt.
Charles: Captain Holt's mom?
Jake: (gasp) The creator!
- It's also pretty funny to see how easy Jake gets friendly to Laverne.
  Jake: I'm very excited to meet you. And let me just say, I'm a huge fan of your early work. Talkin' about this guy right here. (indicates Holt)
  Holt: That was humor, mother.
  Laverne: (flatly) I know. And I thoroughly enjoyed it.
Amy is becoming desperate after being rejected by Holt to take on his mother's case and being rejected by Gina to teach her how to change her tires.
Gina: Okay, fine. But on one condition: You buy me lunch.
Amy: What? No! I'm doing you a favour!
Gina: Phone.
Amy: Okay no no no no! Whatever you want! Fine! Just let me teach you please! I need a win today.
Holt and Jake tell Laverne they've identified a suspect in her burglary.
Laverne: (flatly) Oh my, that is shocking. I am shocked right now.
Holt: (flatly) And I am enraged. We are shocked and enraged.
Jake: Yes, and we're all showing it.
The awkwardness of Holt and his mother opening up to each other.
Laverne: We're not very good at talking about personal matters.
Holt: I'd categorize that as an understatement.
Laverne: Humor?
Holt: Yes, to alleviate some of the tension.
Laverne: It worked.

The Slaughterhouse

Holt confides with Gina about losing Amy's favourite pen.
Holt: Amy is going to be very angry, maybe even angrier than when they added 'yolo' to the dictionary.
When Amy is trying (and failing) to get angry at Holt for losing her pen, their conversation is riddled with Does This Remind You of Anything?
Holt: Oh Santiago, You're faking.
Amy: Faking? What? Uh, did you hear that "grr"?
Holt: Just admit it.
Amy: Okay, fine, I was faking the whole time, but I only did it because I wanted you to enjoy it.
Holt: That ruins it. I mean, it's supposed to be good for both of us.
Amy: It was good! Just because I didn't get angry doesn't mean I didn't get anything out of it.
Holt: Yeah, but the whole point is for you to get angry. Did you even get close?
Amy: Uhh...
Holt: What about your last CO? Could he make you angry?
Amy: Wellll, he-
Holt: You know what, I don't wanna know. Don't tell me. I don't wanna know.
During the Gilligan Cut to Rosa spiking Jake's water with caffeine, Hitchcock walks by and gives Rosa a wink and knowing nod.
- Caffeine-addled Jake is hilarious.
  Rosa: You just drank nine-hundred and sixty cups of coffee.
  Jake: Ohhh! That esprains why I no talk butter! (gasps) Me having sturk?
  Rosa: Ha! Good luck solving that case!
  Gina: (Upon seeing Jake drink more of the caffeine-laced water) Why would you drink more?!
  Jake: My brain wants its Fast Juice!
Jake and Rosa are racing each other to get to their next lead.
Jake: What's wrong, Rosa? Out of gas?
- Gilligan Cut to Jake sucking the petrol out of Rosa's motorcycle through a tube and spitting it out.

The Bank Job

Jake and Rosa go to Holt's aerobic class to tell him that Lt Hawkins is a dirty cop. Jake struggles to keep up with the exercises.
Instructor: Keep wagging back there!
Jake: I AM wagging, BRENDA!
Hitchcock turns out to be a fan of The Fault in Our Stars.
Charles talks about how he handled announcing that he was adopting.
Amy: You told everyone!
- Flashback to Charles arresting a suspect.
Charles: Put your hands up! And clap for me! Cause I'm gonna be a daddy.
Suspect: [claps above head]
Charles: (excitedly) Thank you!
Gina getting pregnant, and Terry, Boyle, and Amy trying to figure out who the father is.
Jake and Rosa go to Pimento for help.
Pimento: Great. [grabs knife] Who are we killing? I won't do kids. That's a rule. But that rule is negotiable if that kid's a dick.
Pimento's "ground rules" for beating him up.
Pimento: You can punch me, kick me, pull my hair. I am a-ok being stabbed. Biting and scratching are on the table. You can use fire-
Jake: These are the ground rules? Is there anything off limits?
Pimento: Damn, man. You got something really sick you wanna do, huh? Oh, you little pervert. Alright, I like it! Don't tell me, surprise me. Ooh, this is gonna be fun!
Pimento tries to teach Rosa and Jake how to fake snorting cocaine, but ends up snorting it 3 different times. This leads to him taking his shirt off, wanting to visit the Statue of Liberty, and trying to juggle knives.

Crime and Punishment

A news channel reveals that Jake had a run in with the law previously at a Criss Angel Mind Freak show.
Jake: (being dragged away by security) I just wanted to know how he did it! He's a mind freak! A mind freak!
The recurring gag that Gina can read the jury's facial expression. They range from painfully obvious to humorous.
One of Rosa's alibis was that she was at a La La Land sing along.
Jake's compulsive need to make jokes all the time turns out to be a real bad habit as he often makes sarcastic quips when the judge is within earshot, and they sound like Sarcastic Confessions.
Jake: What we should talk about is how we're gonna celebrate when I win. I'm thinking we take a trip to Paris or London, Rome, anywhere Jason Bourne has driven a car down some stairs.
Amy: Paris sounds fun. Or we could just go somewhere we could actually afford.
Jake: Oh we can afford it. Don't forget I robbed a bank. I'm sitting on $26 million, baby!
Judge Marinovich: Excuse me?
(Amy and Jake freak out)
- Later when Charles reveals he knows a hacker who can help...
  Jake: See? When the Nine-Nine puts our brains together, we can achieve anything. Hey, we should team up and rob banks for real!
  Judge Marinovich: (from behind Jake and Amy) You should stop talking in the hallway.
Boyle and Terry go to a TGIF Expy to try and contact a hacker. The resulting sequence is hilarious if somewhat tragic due to the stalling of the hackers causing the gang to realize an important piece of information too late.
- The hackers find out about his modelling gig for a Japanese catalog, his nineties dance video "Da Basement" and an order of anklets.
When Holt is tracing Rosa's whereabouts with the squad
Holt: Why would she give you her jacket and motorcycle helmet?
Hitchcock: Cause we're in love, doy!
Holt: (bewildered and disgusted expression)

Funny / Brooklyn Nine Nine Season 4

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Funny / Brooklyn Nine Nine Season 4

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