Funny / Brooklyn Nine Nine Season 3

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Season 3

New Captain

• Jake and Amy are in bed having had sex for the first time:
  Amy: I hope this wasn't a mistake.
  Jake: "I Hope This Wasn't a Mistake", the title of your sex-tape! (gasps) The title of our sex-tape!
  • Also amusing is the Call-Back to Amy's drunkenness scale. They both order 4 kamikaze shots. Which is 4 drink Amy? Horny Amy.
• The demise of Captain Dozerman after 13 minutes on the job.
  Dozerman: Tell my wife...that I love her...work ethic."
• Rosa, speaking ill of the dead.
  Rosa: I hated him more than any cop I've ever known. [suddenly shaken] Whoa. I just realized I'll never get to say that to his face. I mean, I guess I could say it to his wife at the funeral, but it won't be the same...

The Funeral

• After The Vulture is made captain of the 99, Jake and Amy come up with a plan: Jake is going to befriend The Vulture, to the visible disgust of everyone present.
  Jake: Someone get me a puka shell necklace. I'm going full douche.
• Before that, a lot of the main group complain about whatever Hell the Vulture put them through since he became Chief, which are rather funny.
  • Jake: Drew boobs on his bullet-proof vest.
  • Rosa: Stared at her for a minute-and-a-half while eating a peach.
  • Amy: Ordered her to fire his Spanish housekeeper since Amy said she spoke the language. It turns out the housekeeper was Polish.
  • Charles: Used as a punching bag for the Vulture when the latter practices some karate.
    The Vulture: (in flashback, after kicking Charles) I said don't move!
    [back in the present]
    Charles: I didn't move.
• Jake sets his phone to record and walks up to The Vulture, who is standing by the fountain in the garden with one foot propped in on a nearby bench, looking contemplatively into the distance.
  Jake: He-ey, captain! I was looking for you inside.
  The Vulture: One thing I won't do is fart in church. This is God's house. (tosses cigarette butt into the fountain)
• Jeffords finds Holt at the bar during the funeral:
  Jeffords: There you are. You okay sir?
  Holt: No. Until this morning some small part of me still believed I would be captain of the 99 again. What a fool I was. I should never have returned. It's like visiting your childhood home and seeing it's been replaced by a "denim pants store".
  (Holt drinks down a full glass of wine)
  Jeffords: Whoa, whoa, whoa! Slow down sir! You didn't even stop and sniff the bouquet! You always sniff the bouquet.
  Holt: Maybe the old Holt did, but the new Holt chugs Beaujolais from a burgundy glass without a care. Oh, it's a Sauternes glass. Look, heh, the alcohol has rendered me a simpleton.
• Holt discusses his eulogy to the recently departed Dozerman with Terry:
  Holt: I've been asked here to deliver a toast after the funeral. A message of hope. This is what I have so far. (Opens notebook) Paiiiiin. ...That's it.
  • And Holt's actual 'message of hope'; it's obvious he's quite drunk when he takes the mic:
    Holt: Everything is garbage. You find something you care about and it's taken away from you. (looks around the room) Never. Love. Anything.
  • In an attempt to salvage the situation and convince Amy to take a chance on their burgeoning relationship, Jake stands up to offer a "counter-toast". Unfortunately, his starts to lean a bit too much on the subtext to Amy, with the result that it ends up sounding like he was in love with Captain Dozerman.
  • And then finally Terry gets up to say a few words, only to draw a chorus of groans when he makes it clear that the theme of his talk is primarily going to be the discontinuation of his favourite mango yogurt. Apparently, he's been doing a lot of complaining about that subject.
  Terry: Don't boo me! I lost something too!

Boyle's Hunch

• Jake brings a tarantula to work. All hell breaks lose when it escapes.
• Charles's last date was an obvious catfisher... as in, he came to the date and did the catfishing in person.
  "Yennifer": [A bulky Russian man] My name Yennifer. You give me social security number.
• Rosa and Terry plot to find out who's been stealing desserts.
  Rosa: Step one: Put a delicious pie in the fridge and cover it with poison.
  Terry: That's step one? What's step two?
  Rosa: Tell their widows they were thieves.
• When Jake agrees to help Boyle prove the innocence of the woman he's gone full Boyle over:
  Boyle: Nice! My dreams are coming true. You and me, getting my lady off together.
• Charles starts singing "My Hunch" (a play on My Humps), which Jake enthusiastically joins after a moment of hesitation.
• Charles' brain continues to be super creepy.
  Charles: Yeah, and he's a terrible artist. All he does is have sex on canvases. Any fourth-grader could do that.
  Jake: ...But...they shouldn't.

The Oolong Slayer

• Gina won't let Jake talk to Holt, so he hides in the bathroom. On hearing a cooing sound, Holt opens the stall door, sees Jake, and without missing a beat, steps inside with him.
• On the Oolong Slayer's calling card of leaving a tea bag in his victims' mouths:
  Jake: How cool—I mean awful is that?
  Holt: Very cool—I mean awful.
• Jake, Holt and Gina meet in every stereotyped secret agent spot when secretly investigating a serial killer.
  Gina: Dope alley, Jake.
  Jake: Right? I think it's where Batman's parents got killed.
  • The fact that the serial killer in question is called the Oolong Slayer is humor in itself.

Halloween III

• Holt and Jake holding a meeting solely to announce the third Halloween bet.
• Holt tries to explain his strategy to Terry:
  Holt: Sergeant, are you familiar with the Hungarian fencing term, "Hosszü Gorcs"?
  Terry: You must realize my answer is no.
  • And shortly after explaining:
    Terry: You think he's overconfident enough?
    Holt: [wordlessly turns on radio]
    Jake: I'm the smartest man alive! I am never going to die!
• Jake and Holt's shared belief that Amy is hiding a spy camera in her breasts.
  Amy: Why does everyone think that's where a camera would be?
  Holt: Because the cleavage cloaks the camera with its curves! [...] Sorry I said cleavage.
  Amy: [Strangled noise of pure embarrassment and mortification]
• Jake's utter failure of a distraction.
  Jake: Look at this! Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. Dammit, how did that not work?
  • "'Course we're lookin' for Al, you imbecile! ...Sorry."
• Amy beginning her story:
  Amy: Well, it all started when I went to tell Jake how badly he hurt my feelings and he yelled at my breasts.
  Jake: Oh boy. I am not gonna come off well in this story.
  Amy: Nope!
  • And her lip-reading:
    Holt: [via Amy] My waffle xylophone on the cheese man.
    Holt: What?
    Amy: My lip-reading is not flawless.

Into the Woods

• When giving Diaz breakup advice, Holt cites a website he consulted. While any normal person would just name the site and say what to search for, Holt gives Diaz the precise URL.
  Holt: I visited www dot ladiesgoodhealthmag dot com backslash sex hyphen relationships backslash eight six seven five nine nine nine nine zero four backslash nine four three two ampersand two zero dot html.
  (Beat)
  Holt: Do you know that site?
  Diaz: No.
  • Meta-example, but for a while that url lead to the season 2 DVDs on Amazon
• Holt attempting to help Diaz break up with her boyfriend in a way that effectively takes into account the other person's emotions could be used as a textbook example of The Blind Leading the Blind:
  Holt: Apparently, it is less painful [to break up with someone] if you acknowledge the dumpee's feelings.
  Rosa: Ew.
  Holt: Don't worry; we'll practice. I'll be Marcus.
  Rosa: [Clears throat; bluntly] Marcus, I think we should break up.
  Holt: That makes me feel sad. I'm sad.
  Rosa: Your sadness is noted.
  Holt: I feel acknowledged. Thank you for breaking up with me. It will take me eight minutes to collect my things.
  [They reflect for a moment]
  Holt: [Sincere] I think that went very well!
  • Originally, Rosa had intended to just break up via text, and Holt had agreed it'd be more efficient. Apparently, Kevin disagreed.
    Holt: I brought it up with Kevin, and he said we're quote "both sociopaths" unquote.
  • The reason why Rosa wanted to do a quick breakup was because Marcus has "so many emotions". We then get a scene of him crying while watching TV.
    Marcus: They just love eachother so much...
    Rosa: It's a commercial! For a refrigerator!
• Terry calls Jake out for always doing stupid stuff and letting others clean up after him. The following morning, after Jake gets himself out of the pit:
  Jake: I didn't want to sit around and wait for somebody to clean up my mess.
  Terry: Hm. I guess I got through to you.
  Jake: Yeah. Also, after you fell asleep, Boyle really laid into me. It was brutal.
  [cut to flashback]
  Charles: [whispering] I got to say, Jake, this time, I think you're only ninety-nine percent right.
  [Jake gasps]

The Mattress

• In the open, Jake becomes excited when Scully is drinking lemonade out of a container identical to the one that Hitchcock is keeping a pet fish in, and tries to get a bet going to whether Scully will accidentally drink the fish or Hitchcock will put fish food in Scully's lemonade first. Rosa interrupts him mid-explanation and tells him that Hitchcock just drank his own fish. Cue Big "NO!" from Jake.
• During Jake and Amy's request to Holt that they take on a case.
  Holt: Oh, are you no longer—?
  Jake: Smooshing booties?
  Holt: Yes, that's exactly how I was gonna finish my sentence.
  • Amy mentions off-hand that she sends HR daily, detailed updates of her relationship with Jake.
    Jake: So that's why HR-Jim keeps high-fiving me...
• Holt expresses concern over having Jake and Amy work on a case because of potential interpersonal problems.
  Amy: Our only close call was when Jake didn't know who Will Shortz was.
  Holt: Really? [Glances at Jake] Never heard of the puzzle-master?
  Jake: [Shakes head]
  Holt: This is who you wanna be with?
  Amy: [Glares at Holt]
  Holt: [Downward glance] I shouldn't be involved. Good luck with the case!
• Jake undercover as a pro-environment charity worker looking for donations on the street.
  Amy: You sure you're not gonna be spotted
  Jake: Absolutely. My cover makes me invisible. [To a woman approaching him on the street] Excuse me, can you spare a moment to talk about the environment? [The woman quickly scurries across the street, pretending she hasn't seen him] Nailed it. Now no one will make eye contact with me.

Ava

• Terry mentions that he and Sharon are going to be heading for the Berkshires for a weekend before Sharon gives birth. Jake makes comment about her and Terry having sex, prompting Terry to respond:
  (Totally Deadpan) She's thirty-seven weeks pregnant. We're gonna be eating pie in bed.
• Jake claims to be an expert in childbirth-related matters, cut to a flashback of him eating chips while watching a documentary involving a rhino giving birth. His reaction? "Ugh! Gross! Come out of an egg next time."
• It takes a moment for Jake to realize what Sharon means when she says her water just broke.
  Jake: Don't worry about that, we'll just get you another one. Oh, you mean your body water! That's much worse.
• Terry interrogates someone while using the birth as leverage:
  Terry: I'll let him know what's going to happen if he doesn't cooperate.
  [Gilligan Cut]
  Terry: [In tears] I'm gonna miss the birth of my child! It's a magical moment!
  Suspect: [Also in tears] Okay, okay! I'll tell you everything. Thank you for letting me be part of this wonderful experience.
  Terry: You're a terrible person, but you're welcome. [holds the suspect's hands in a comforting manner]
• Holt tells Jake that he didn't throw his ex-boyfriend's wooden duck in the trash — he threw it off a bridge. Cut to a flashback of him doing just that.
  • He doesn't just throw it off, he places it on the railing and then pushes it off with both index fingers completely emotionlessly.
• Jake interprets Terry's explanation of what a Doula is ("someone who supports you emotionally and physically and coaches you through the process") as a "Vaginal Gandalf". While Terry is annoyed that Jake keeps saying 'vaginal', Sharon thinks it's a pretty accurate summation of a Doula's role.
• With the internet down, everyone has to do their paperwork by hand and then find a way to send it in. After their fax machines start a fire - because Hitchcock and Scully plug ten machines into one outlet - they then decide to try the pneumatic tubes that run under the city. Charles doubts they still work so Hitchcock sticks his hand near to prove they do, gets his arm sucked in and starts screaming while the others try to pull him out.
  • Frederick lists the reasons he doesn't think the precinct is a suitable place for Sharon to have the baby:
    Frederick: We're surrounded by criminals, there's no bed, and you can hear the faint sound of someone screaming through all the vents.
    Gina: That's Hitchcock. His arm's stuck in a pneumatic tube. It's hilarious.
  • At the hospital, Terry thanks everyone in turn for helping out, then reaches Hitchcock and Scully.
    Terry: And Hitchcock and Scully, I assume you're here for some unrelated injury.
    Cuts to Hitchcock in a sling
    Hitchcock: That's correct.

The Swedes

• In a Call-Back to the cold open where the vending machine was taken away, the Nine-Nine gets a new vending machine, with similar pomp. When Jake christens it with a bottle of champagne, the liquid shorts out the keypad.
  Jake: Okay, well, at least it was just the keypad. None of the snacks got messed up. [a fire ignites inside the vending machine] Whoa! Go! [everyone runs out]
  Scully: No! It should have been me. It should have been me!
• A meta example: when Jake asks Boyle for advice about what to get Amy for their six month anniversary, Boyle replies (to Jake's obvious discomfort) "Put a baby in her, Jake! For God's sake, what are you waiting for?!" Funny due to Amy's actress Melissa Fumero's recent announcement of her real-life pregnancy, which while not written into the script, was more visibly obvious than usual in this episode due to the tighter-than-normal dress she wears at one point. You have to believe this was a bid of Lampshade Hanging from the writers.
• Boyle claiming that his knowledge of Paris comes from the film Ratatouille. Kevin is confused, and Holt explains it's the film with the "rodent chef".
• After going down a long list of languages all Swedes know fluently, Agneta claims that Danish is a garbage language for garbage people. Back in season one, Jake learned at least a few phrases in Danish to help plan Charles's wedding.
  • This is Truth in Television. Denmark and Sweden have an infamous rivalry, holding the world record for the most wars fought between two countries. Even in modern times, they are at best Vitriolic Best Buds, with Norway often caught up in the middle.
• Amy's ludicrously long and surreal mnemonic to help Gina memorise all 67 of Jupiter's moons. It's so long that even she has difficulty remembering it:
  Santiago: I came up with a fun mnemonic device to remember them all. It goes, "Every Individual Gets Crayons After Telling His Aggressive Little Mongoose Painter Called Ernest Some Lies About Tiny Panda Heads... period. Maybe One Kid Could Take Her Elephant Into California, Except..." [looks up. Gina has gone and Hitchcock is standing there, looking offended.] Where's Gina?
  Hitchcock: She told me you called me a gas giant. Well, now you and I will never hook up.
  He storms off. Santiago has a "What the hell?" look on her face.
  • The cherry on top is that Hitchcock had really been called a gas giant... by Gina.

Yippie Kayak

• In the cold open, Amy, ever determined to brown-nose, attempts to circumvent Holt's no gifts policy by leaving her gift to him in an unwrapped, plain cardboard box, with "Open now" written on it with her off hand so her handwriting won't be recognizable. As Holt walks into his office...
  Jake: So, just to recap, you left an unmarked package on a police captain's desk on a random Monday, with a suspicious message written on it that looked like it was scrawled by a crazy person.
  Amy: [cheerfully] Mm-hmm.
  Holt: Bomb! There's a bomb! Everyone out! [alarm sounds, and people head for the exits] Let's go, let's go! This is not a drill! Let's go!
  Jake: Great gift, babe.
• Charles gets Jake a gift.
  Charles: Heart Attack soda.
  Jake: Holy crap! I love this stuff! You know, technically, it's just carbonated fudge. I thought they banned it.
  Charles: Not in Syria. They use it to induce labor in goats.
• Jake is far too happy to see criminals staging a robbery on Christmas Eve.
  Jake: Oh my god—it's real-life Die Hard! ...I mean, "Oh no! Crime!"
• Amy tries to prove to Holt and Rosa that she's not a wimp by insisting on joining them when they take a "polar bear swim" into the freezing ocean even though as Rosa notes she's always cold. Holt tries to make a long toast with a poem before the plunge but Amy is already freezing in her coat and hurries him up and then runs into the surf followed by Holt and Rosa:
  Amy: Wheeeeeeeeeeeeee— [feet touches water] NOOOOOOOOOOO!!! OH MY GOD! [immediately closes up her coat, turns around and runs back onto the beach]
• The Vulture, once again, lords his authority over everyone, and refuses to work with Terry at all.
  Vulture: You see this sniper? He'll shoot anyone I tell him to. Even you!
  Sniper: No I won't.
  Vulture: ... okay, but he'll go sit on any roof I tell him to. Go sit on that roof!
  Sniper: [sigh] Of course.
• The Vulture tries to threaten to fire Terry, only to realize in the middle of his threat that Terry would get by fine as a male model.
  Vulture: You know, you’re shredded, and I respect that.
• Amy screaming at the captain upon being informed of a situation.
  Amy: SHUT YOUR DUMB POEM MOUTH! I'm sorry! NO I'M NOT!

Hostage Situation

• Boyle explaining that he can't have children due to a recent incident. We then get a flashback to when Boyle intervened in an assault. The perp hit him in the junk with a baseball bat, and when he was on the ground, just kept hammering on him with the bat.
  Jake: Gonna be honest, I still don't know why you went in crotch-first.
• When they find out that Boyle's ex confiscated his stored sperm, Jake immediately suggests taking the situation to a lawyer. They do, and the lawyer confirms that she's fully within her legal rights. He can't believe Boyle signed the contract.
  Lawyer: She also, and I quote, "owns your dignity." You initialed right next to that!
  • When Jake runs down their info on Eleanor to prepare for a hostage negotiation, we get further insight on Charles' divorce settlement:
    Jake: She got the house, both cars, and 85% of your salary going forward. That's a typo right?
    Charles: It is not.
    Jake: How did she get so much?
    Charles: My lawyer was Hercules^note Eleanor's boyfriend. That's how they met!
• Amy and Terry's plot in the episode is that Amy wants him to write her a good recommendation letter for a mentor/mentee program called SAM/SAM (it's an acronym). After she accidentally breaks his nose in a training class, everything she does just makes it worse, culminating in her being rejected from the program. She thinks he intentionally screwed her over, and then it turns out he just sent the letter to the wrong section—he thought she wanted to be a mentor, not a mentee.
  Terry: You would make a great SAM!
  Amy: I'd make a terrible SAM! I should be a SAM!
  Terry: Okay, we need to stop saying SAM, because we are barreling straight towards a misunderstanding!
• Diaz and a perp bonding over Gina's It's All About Me tendencies.
  Perp: She didn't even know who I was. And we were good friends!
  Rosa: On more than one occasion, she's called me 'Gina'. That's her own name.
  Perp: [appalled] No she didn't.

Nine Days

• After Rosa finds out Boyle's dog died, she tries to cheer him up (so he'll actually do his paperwork) and buys him a new one of a completely different breed. "All dogs are basically the same, right?" He denies the dog and stomps off.
  Rosa: So I, like, have a dog now?
• Boyle making a tribute video of his dog to Michael Bolton's "How Am I Supposed to Live Without You." It's numerous clips of Jason humping things, including a homeless person. Soundtrack Dissonance at its finest.
• Holt and Jake name their mumps goiters. But the real kicker is Holt chugging cough syrup afterwards.
  Holt: Balthazar is a thirsty bitch.
• After both Jake and Holt catch mumps and told that one of the side-effects would be testicular discomfort, they both breakout into saying Coolcoolcool.
• Near the end of the episode, Rosa has bonded with her new puppy and finally gets Boyle's grief, so she hosts a funeral service for him. What makes this total u-turn funny is that she says it in her usual deadpan.
  Rosa: I've only had Arlo for a day and a half, but if something happened to him, I'd kill everyone in this room and then myself [Arlo licks her face]
• Terry, as acting captain, gets so mad at everyone that he slams the door to the office as hard as he can, and the entire room explodes.
• Jake, Holt, and Amy figure out that the perp's "recipe" is actually a code for a phone number... after Amy tries to actually make an edible dish out of it.
  Jake: Seven cups of salt? Even I know this isn't a real recipe.
• When Holt figures out that Jake's been lying to him, he decides not to chew him out immediately because he's too delirious and tired. Sure enough he waits four hours before making his displeasure known.
  Holt: (Suddenly getting right into Jake's face as he lies on the couch) How dare you!
  • This eventually leads to an argument between the two that results in them both poking each other in their extremely sore mump lumps.
    • Even funnier, the argument evolved nonsensically to the point that at the end they're yelling at each other about the fact Holt stuffed frozen peas down his trousers due to the fever.

The Cruise

• Upon meeting Doug Judy, Jake is extremely upset to learn that he can't arrest Judy because they're in international waters, and the ship is flying the flag of Uzbekistan. Doug Judy also claims that this means that he can smoke as much weed as he wants.
  Doug Judy: Welcome... to the high seas.
• Jake and Amy try to talk to the Captain to get Judy arrested... only for him to reveal that he is fully aware that Judy is a criminal, and that forty percent of the employees on the ship are criminals. Turns out that not a lot of "normal" people want to live on a boat. The captain even admits that he, himself, is a tax-evader.
  • He refuses to lock Judy up because he needs a good lounge singer to keep people distracted.
    Captain: Just between us, we're nearly out of Ranch dressing.
    Jake: On day one?
    Captain: These people are animals.

Karen Peralta

• Amy in Jake's childhood bedroom, finding a picture of him with a nose ring. He makes her promise not to tell anyone.
  Amy: Cool. It's our secret. [takes out her phone and fake-nonchalantly lifts it high in the air, angled towards the picture] Juuust gonna check my email up high. [Holds still for a couple of seconds, then puts the phone away.] No new messages.
• Holt's satisfaction with solving the escape room puzzle lasting maybe five seconds.
  Holt: Congratulations. We did it. And we did it together, because we're a team.
  Hitchcock: [beaming] Should we do it again next week, sir?
  Holt: No. I would hate that.

The 98

• Diaz's imitation of her new desk mate, who is irritatingly chatty for her taste.
• Scully and Hitchock unconcernedly seated at a table, munching their burritos as the entire 99 and 98 crew brawl all around them.
• Amy's steadily growing loathing for the 98 cop's medical assistance dog, because it brings out her allergies. ("I'm so stuffy, I can't even enjoy that new binder smell!")
  • "FRAUD DOG!"
  • Culminating when Terry says that in order to move their office onto the roof they need a distraction:
    Amy: [red-rimmed eyes, nose raw from constant wiping] Okay, here's what I'm thinking. We give that dog a bunch of chocolates. It dies. When everyone celebrates—
    Terry: Okay, Amy's too close to this.
• Terry's brilliant idea for the detectives to create a new office on the roof:
  Terry: Look at this place! It's so peaceful. And quiet. This could be our new beginning. [Crazy eyed stare]
• Charles's Blatant Lies to Jake about how he's bonding with his new deskmate, Paul.
  Paul: [to Jake] Hi, I'm Paul.
  Charles: [snaps] Shhh, Paul, nobody cares!
  • And later, when during the big fight Paul wrestles Charles to the ground, Charles looks genuinely betrayed:
    Charles: Paul? I thought we had something.

House Mouses

• Scully telling Jake and Terry his plan with Hitchcock on the pot bust. Unfortunately for Jake and Terry, neither Scully nor Hitchcock have thought this through.
  Scully: I'm going undercover as Tex Dallas. Billionaire oilman from Dallas, Texas with ties to the cowboy mafia.
  Jake: Oh boy.
  Scully: Hitchcock's my middleman. Reno Vegas, mobster from Reno, Las Vegas.
  Jake: I said my "Oh boy" too soon.
  Scully: In 20 minutes he's going in totally alone, unarmed, without a cellphone to meet with one of their guys to set-up a buy. So, how do you like our plan now?
  Terry: It's a disaster man! We got to stop him.
  Scully: Disaster? Tell me one thing that's wrong with Operation Beans.
  Jake: Operation BEANS?!?
• When going over false identities, Scully gives Jake "Alamo", and he gives Terry "Black Fred".
  Terry: Black Fred?! Why Black Fred?!? There's no other Fred!
  Scully: Yeah well they don't know that.
  • It becomes a Brick Joke as, when the trio introduce themselves to the drug ring, Terry bitterly introduces himself as "Fred. Just Fred".
• Holt reveals that the victim in the robbery case is John William Weichselbraun, a famous oboist. He also says he and Kevin are huge fans:
  Holt: We are what the internet sometimes refers to as... Weichselbraun fans.
  Charles: Not Weichselbrauniacs?
  Holt: Oh, that is very good. I'm going to use that liberally.
• To apologise for doubting Charles, Holt hires a trio of classical musicians to play a Shostakovich Cantata. However, when they enter the break room, they find the musicians stealing supplies.
  Holt: Are you stealing kitchen supplies?
  Classical musician: Just let us have this stuff. You have so much and we have so little!
  Holt: Perhaps I'll just buy you a drink instead.
  Charles: Yeah, that would be best. Classical musicians are savages.

Adrian Pimento

• Pimento's Establishing Character Moment: He pulls a knife on Jake in the middle of the precinct and threatens to slit his throat.
• Pimento shares an anecdote about his time working for Jimmy the Butcher, and we're treated to a scene of him crying while beating a tied up man to death.
  Terry: [horrified] We usually try to tell funnier stories in here.
• Rosa thinks there's something off about Pimento.
  Jake: Why, because he keeps threatening to kill me?
• "Terry's gonna die saving the president or TERRY'S NEVER GONNA DIE!"

Cheddar

• The Cold Opening has Jake finally getting his rich uncle's inheritance. One million shares in stock... for Blockbuster.
• Diaz and Pimento having such over the top Belligerent Sexual Tension, culminating in her aggressively signing a document against his chest and then stabbing the paper with a pen.
  • Even better is Terry's reaction, and the fact Hitchcock and Scully are watching with popcorn:
    Terry: What the hell?
    [Rosa and Pimento start blowing on the ink together]
    Terry: Okay, they gotta knock that off.
    Hitchcock: Loosen up Sarge.
    Scully: Summer love baby.
    Terry: It's March man, shut up.
• The Description Cuts between Jake dramatically discussing Cheddar as if he were some kind of criminal mastermind wreaking havoc upon the innocents of New York, and the aforementioned "slippery little bastard!" happily bumbling around the neighborhood acting like the adorable little corgi he is.
  • The third time is arguably the funniest.
    Jake: Bad news, Cheddar is still at large. And you know that slippery little bastard is just laughing at us!
    [Cheddar is eating ice cream someone dropped on the grass]
• When Jake rallies the precinct to help find Cheddar.
  Jake: And I know what some of you are thinking; who cares, it's just a pet, right?
  Terry: No one was thinking that, you monster!

Terry's Kitties

• Terry has a hatred of the cats that his old precinct keeps sending him for a failure in the past. Jake loves them and plays with them, even giving them silly names from Die Hard. Cuteness Proximity at its best.
• Just the sight of seeing the normally Gentle Giant Terry show utter disdain for the poor kittens and calling them stupid. And calling them dicks. It's only kept from feeling like an utter Kick the Dog moment by the fact that the kittens clearly don't care and they are taken care of (Terry tries to find them new owners who would appreciate them).
• Holt berates Rosa and Amy for their competitiveness in bomb disposal training, then finishes first and rubs their noses in it, revealing he just said what he said so they'd slow down.
• Holt, Rosa, and Amy all fail the course, because even though they succeeded at the actual disarming, the instructor felt that they were more focused on competing with each other than taking the training seriously. Meanwhile Hitchcock and Scully, who only went for the free lunch, passed without even realizing they were disarming bombs.
  Holt: I think the lesson here is that we should not allow our competitiveness to interfere with the sanctity of our job.
  Rosa: Totally agree, sir. However...there is a precision driving class next weekend. [steps closer to Holt]
  Holt: [steps even closer] Fastest one around the track wins.
  Rosa: It's on.
  Amy: I'm gonna run you both off the road, into a wall. I'm gonna kill you.
  Holt: Oh, my.
• After solving the case, Jake asks Terry how he wants to get back at the Six-Five, and suggests releasing rats in the Six-Five (because the guys there are rats) or dropping water balloons on their cars.
  Terry: You know what? I'm good. I don't think we should do that.
  Jake: Really? Any of it?
  Terry: Yeah, after everything you did for me—encouraging me, going out on that ledge even though you were scared to tears—
  Jake: There was an air conditioner above us. It was dripping water on my eyes. We've been over this.
  Terry: You stayed up all night to solve the case. It just reminded me that I have people in my life who cared about me. I don't know why I'm spending so much time trying to prove things to people who don't.
  Jake: I guess you're a big man in more ways than one...which I probably should have anticipated, but...did not.
  Terry: What'd you do, Jake?
  Jake: Rats—I did the rats. I couldn't wait. [flashback] Enjoy the rats, you rats. [dumps box of rats on the floor of the Six-Five and laughs] Oh, no, one's coming for me!!
• Gina decides she's had enough of Adrian Pimento bossing Charles around and tells him to lay off. Adrian retorts that she doesn't scare him, because after years of working undercover "I've been through hell." Gina's retort?
  Gina: I worked at a sunglass kiosk at the mall for four years. So not only have I been through hell, I was assistant manager there.
• Jake makes a map of all of the burglaries in Brooklyn since Terry's case to see if there's a pattern. This results in a map completely covered with pins.
  Jake: There is so much crime in New York. No one should live here.

Paranoia

• After Terry takes Jake outside to discuss Pimento's behavior, and Jake takes Pimento outside to talk him down, Hitchcock and Scully ask to also be taken outside, but only because they felt left out.
• Jake and the others being grossed out at Pimento's suggestion that they throw water on his crotch for his fake dead photo.
  • Jake being embarrassed that he put on the same ski mask as the man who ordered the hit on Pimento.
• Jake apologizing to Pimento after the reveal that the man who tried to have Pimento killed is on the FBI.
  Jake: Sorry, Pimento. Your bachelor party totally sucks.
• Boyle is utterly stoked at being asked to be maid of honor. Well, CO-maid of honor with Gina and Amy, but still. Also, the bachelorette party competition the three have. Gina has them take part in her 13-year old nephews paintball birthday party so Diaz can indulge in her hatred of teenage boys by shooting them with paintballs, and Amy hosts a drinking quiz game where everyone has to take a drink when they dont know something personal about Diaz, and everyone gets drunk off their ass because none of them know anything about her. Boyle's party wins; he set up a demolition party at a defunct restaurant, letting Diaz tear the place down with a sledgehammer.

Maximum Security

• After Amy gets dressed up as fake pregnant to infiltrate the prison, Charles says the following:
  Charles: Ohhh. Jake and Amy and Baby makes three! I don't know if I believe in god... but I have prayed for this.
  Jake: That is psychotic.
• When faking a death report for Pimento, Gina makes a suggestion for a stand-in for the forensic photos.
  Gina: If I may, imagine Pimento's dirty pale body being pulled out of a manhole after a couple days' sewer bloat. Now squint your eyes... and look at Hitchcock.
• To check for the suspect with the scarred hand, Gina convinces Holt that the best way to is to greet all mourners at Pimento's memorial with high fives.
  Gina: I'm very sorry for your loss. [offers high-five] Get some!
• Amy giving Jake a No-Holds-Barred Beatdown in the prison.
  Jake: Ow! You're so tough and I'm just a beautiful intellectual!
• Terry makes Rosa give a eulogy for Pimento. It goes about as well as you'd expect.
  Rosa: Pimento is dead. Thanks for coming.

Bureau

• In general, the way Captain Holt and Bob Annderson are so similar in their stoicism and monotone manner of speaking.
• While stalking the suspect, Holt and Bob disagree on whether he's eating a peach or a nectarine.
  Bob: Just write "unidentified stone fruit".
• Terry considers the possibility that Hitchcock and Scully may have leaked the arrest numbers, even if inadvertently. He then looks at them taking a pizza slice out of the printer, and Scully takes a bite out of the toner-smeared pizza.
  Hitchcock: Alright, printer jam fixed!
  • Terry later tries to interrogate them, and they don't even know what arrest numbers are!
• This exchange, after Jake finds out Rosa does yoga:
  Jake: You do yoga?
  Rosa: Helps keep me centered. If you ask me about it again, I'll hunt you down and rip your face off.
  Jake: Okay. Great. Good plan. I won't ask you about it again.
• The Training Montage of Jake, Rosa and Holt preparing for the break-in to the FBI.
  • Jake is practicing pull-ups with Terry. He finally manages one while groaning in agony, and when asked if he can do it without screaming, he answers "Pro... ba... bly."
  • Rosa practices contorting herself to fit under a mail trolley. At one point, Scully finds her scrunched up in a shelf and they greet each other cordially, as if nothing were wrong.
  • Gina teaches Holt about Sex and the City so he can chat with the security guard, who is a fan. When he first hears the title, he assumes it's two separate shows. When he does chat with the guard, it sounds like he's reciting from the show's Wikipedia entry.
• This brilliant Overly Long Gag between Holt and Annderson:
  Holt: Let's break into the FBI.
  Jake: C'mon, Captain! This is such a big moment! Say it with more gusto!
  Annderson: Indeed. Like this: [Completely deadpan] Let's break into the FBI.
  Holt: Oh, I see. [Completely deadpan] Let's break into the FBI.
  Annderson: No...Let's break into the FBI.
  Holt: Let's break into the FBI.
  Annderson: Let's break into the FBI.
  Holt: Let's break into the FBI. I feel like I'm doing it.
  Annderson: Let's break into the FBI.
  Holt: Let's break into the-
  Jake: OK! I think we got it. OK...Now, LET'S BREAK INTO THE FBI!
• Jake finally does a pull-up without screaming... by putting a sock in his mouth.
• Charles and Genevieve are adopting a baby because the fertility treatments aren't working, since, according to Charles, "My doctor said my sterility is so aggressive, it may have spread to her."
• Charles seducing Moira.
• The reveal of who's been leaking the arrest numbers: Turns out Terry himself had accidentally done it, when he took a "yoghurt selfie", not realizing the whiteboard the numbers were written on was in the background. The reporter who wrote the article just took them off his Facebook.
• The ending, in which Bob is revealed as the FBI mole and has Holt at gunpoint, is deadly serious, but the way Holt says "Oh, Bob." with more disappointment than shock is pretty funny.

Greg and Larry

• Rosa and Jake fret that Holt is taking too long to answer his phone. Jake hopefully speculates that he and Bob may in fact simply be distracted by talking about something super-boring. Cut to five minutes earlier:
  Holt: White rice...brown rice...those are just some of the rices I love.
  Bob: Mmm.
  Holt: Also basmati.
  Bob: Mmm.
  Holt: Uh, that's all of them now.
• In order to find where Bob took Holt, Jake decides he needs to get into their heads. Cue Jake acting as both Holt and Annderson while leaving the hospital room and going down the hall for several minutes. Rosa stares at him annoyed, giving exasperated eye-rolls the whole time.
  Jake-as-Holt: Bob, what are you doing?
  Jake-as-Bob: I'm breaking the law, Raymond, because I'm the worst. Now walk out of this room as if nothing is happening. (walks out of room)
  Jake-as-Holt: You'll never get away with this, Bob. Jake is on his way. He's a great cop, and he's going to save me.
  Jake-as-Bob: Really? He seemed so immature.
  Jake-as-Holt: Yes, he seems that way, but I know the real Jake. He's like a son to me. And when this is all through, we're going on a road trip together.
  Rosa: (irritated) Jake—
  Jake: Rosa, ssshhh! I'm working on the case right now!
• Holt showing his affection for his husband:
  Holt: When I die, give Kevin my regards.
  Bob: What should I tell him?
  Holt: Regards.
• Bob's reasoning for being on the roof to kill Holt:
  Bob: I was gonna throw Raymond over the side and make it look like a bird-watching accident.
  Jake: Oh, please, do you think anyone's gonna actually—
  Holt: It's genius. There's a red-tailed hawk roost a block away, and I've got a pair of micro-binoculars in my pocket, like a fool.
  Jake: Okay, well, I stand corrected.
  • "Betraying the FBI is one thing, but sarcasm, Bob? Wow."
• Hitchcock is apparently a very reckless driver.
  Hitchcock: I have nothing to live for and I drive like it.
• The flashback to Holt pretending to be a doctor as a child:
  Kid Holt: (after pressing a stethoscope to his teddy bear) The cancer has spread. (takes off stethoscope) Get your house in order.
• Holt sneaking out Bob by putting him on a straitjacket and claiming that he's a mental patient; it only works because Gina is also in a straitjacket, claiming that she's Serena Williams. Bob keeps trying to say he's an FBI agent being held hostage, and Gina keeps dialing up the crazy, so the guard doesn't believe him.
• Rosa's precautions for making sure no one can ever finds out where she lives:
  Bob: I know Figgis and you're in far more danger than I. He's coming for you. And I guarantee his soldiers find this place.
  Rosa: Not gonna happen. I rent it out under a shell corporation.
  Jake: Yeah.
  Rosa: My mail goes to a P.O. Box in Queens.
  Jake: Yeah.
  Rosa: My neighbors think my name is Emily Goldfinch.
  Jake: Oh, yeah.
  Rosa: People I work with all think my name is Rosa Diaz.
  Jake: Yeah—wait, what?
  Rosa: Don't worry about it.
• Terry's thorough perplexity at Rosa's very nice apartment. She even decorated.
  Terry: Why do you need a vase full of lemons?
  Rosa: The room needed a pop of color.
  Terry: Who are you?!
  • Terry is immensely relieved when he finds out she has a panic room in the apartment. "That's the Rosa I know!"
• Jake's comment when Holt is about to interrogate Bob

  Jake: You're about to get S'd in the B!

• The gang's attempts at Perp Sweating Bob.
  • Jake plans to "ruin jazz for you forever" by doing bad scatting.
    • While he's doing this, you can actually see Scully snapping his fingers to the beat.
  • Terry's tactic to invoke Bob's family is derailed when he reveals he doesn't have one. Terry continues talking about Bob's hypothetical family's reactions, but he just makes himself break down in tears at the sad, hypothetical situation.
  • Gina simply goes on about her cousin's "fake" Lyme Disease, not to get him to talk but because she really needs to vent.
  • Rosa takes out her toolkit and a sword to torture Bob, but Holt stops her.