Funny / Brooklyn Nine Nine Season 2

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Season 2

Undercover

• Before Jake enters the precinct, Charles decides it would be funny if everyone didn't even acknowledge Jake's presence when Jake enters. Unfortunately, Charles blows it immediately.
  Charles: He's here! He's here! Okay, let's do the prank where we don't even acknowledge him when he comes in. Okay? Shh, shh! Everyone, shh!
  Jake: (enters) Back in the Nine-Nine!
  Charles: Wooooo! Hoo hoo hoo hoo! Jake! Jake! Jake! Jake!
  Gina: Played to perfection, Charles.
• A total of three important things happened while Jake was undercover:
  Jake: Alright, fill me in, tell me everything I missed.
  Rosa: Won't take long. Only three things happened. Terry chipped his tooth and had a lisp for a week.
  (flashback to Terry interrogating a perp)
  Terry: Lithen up, Theven. (Steven snickers) I'm thorry, did I thay thumthing amuthing to you? Anther me, you thun of a bitth!
  (back to present)
  Rosa: Number two, Santiago and Boyle wore the same outfit to work one day.
  (flashback to both Amy and Charles walking towards their desks)
  Amy: (noticing Charles' outfit) How does it look better on you?! (storms off)
  (back to present)
  Rosa: And Captain banned headphones from the office due to the Gina Incident.
  (flashback to Gina dancing to the beat of the music playing on her large headphones while a bunch of officers are trying to restrain a very large criminal)
• Holt has Terry keep role-playing as different people that the detectives need to process, including a senile old lady, a ten-year-old boy and a prostitute. Once, he had to sit in ball in the corner, with a sign saying "Unattended Backpack", while making a ticking noise, while all his co-workers just stare.
  Rosa: Why are we doing this?
  Terry: It's Captain's orders. (back in character) My name is Adelaide van Hoyt. I'm 89 years old, and I'm here to report a crime. (Rosa sighs)
  Amy: Not a problem. We can help you. (leads Terry to Rosa's desk)
  Rosa: (filling out a form) Adelaide van Hoyt. 89 years old. Goatee, 6'3". 290 pounds.
  Terry: Hey! This is a tight 240. Show Adelaide some damn respect!
• "Adelaide has successfully transformed back into a giant man, sir."
• One of the later scenarios that Terry role played causes some tension with Rosa:
  Diaz: The captain's not here, Sarge, you can drop the act.
  Jeffords: (as seven-year-old "Timmy") You can drop your butt!
  Diaz: (equally childishly) You can drop your butt!
• Charles describing how it felt to see Jake back:
  Charles: It's like when I was a kid, and my grandma came home from the hospital, only better because Jake's not unresponsive!
• Gina is concerned that Charles will tell Jake that they had sex, since he apparently tells Jake everything. And she means everything.
  Gina: And you tell him everything.
  Charles: No, I don't!
  (flashback to Charles sitting on Jake's desk)
  Charles: I got aroused last night watching a nature documentary on bees. I was fine until they went inside the hive. (Jake looks at him, weirded out)
  (back to present)
  Charles: Oh, you're right.
• This exchange:
  Peralta: RICO. Stands for Racketeering Investigating... Cop... Awesome.
  Holt: ... I have to ask: do you really think "awesome" begins with an "o"?
  Peralta: [With a hilarious part-stunned, part cornered look on his face] Yes...
• "But Freddy's like the worst out of all those guys! Extortion, terrible breath, murder... I put 'terrible breath' too high on that list."
• When discussing the mobster who evaded the police and the FBI Jake suggests that he goes back undercover to try and find any leads. When Holt and the FBI representative express reluctance due to the fact that the mobsters will be looking for a rat and, as a supposed ex-cop, Jake will be suspect number one, Jake confidently asserts that his loyalty will be unquestioned because he and the mobsters "went through some pretty intense stuff together." Cut to a quick shot of Jake and a group of mobsters... drunkenly singing "Piano Man" at a karaoke bar.
  Jake: In the Mafia, once you Joel together, you're bonded for life.
• Charles asks Jake if he had any mafia best friends. When Jake tells that he worked some jobs with a guy named Derek, Charles proceeds to act super jealous of Derek.
  Jake: (trying to get Charles while dressed as a cop to agree to punch him in the face to show the mafia goons Jake's still on their side) Look, if it's so hard, imagine I'm somebody you hate.
  Charles: Derek.
  Jake: I barely know him!
• Amy tries to complain about the drills to Holt, with... moderate success.
  Amy: Captain! I hate to be harsh, but I think that these drills are slightly unnecessary. Possibly. Although you are the boss, and your judgment is impeccable, and I guess what I am trying to say is "Thank you."
  Rosa: I agree. With the stuff about the drills, not the spineless ass-kissing.
• Terry thinks the script that Holt gave him for his roleplaying as a seven year old boy named Timmy is a little stilted.
  Terry: "I am feeling trepidation at the prospect of a parentless existence"? No kid talks like that.
  Holt: Those lines were lifted, verbatim, from my boyhood diary.
• "I'm one of you now. Prettier, and different, and better, but I'm one of you."
• "There's more where that came from. I got a real wet mouth."
• Jake's brilliant way of trying to convince Freddy's girlfriend not to shoot him:
  Jake: Don't shoot! That's how people get shot!
• Jake has a song to remember who was sleeping with who in the mafia.
• Because of her "sexual blunder" with Charles, Gina has now decided that she is no longer worthy of having the wolf as her spirit animal, and so her spirit animal is now the naked mole rat, "God's disgusting mistake."
  • Also the fact that having a wolf as her spirit animal is perfectly in character for Gina. Not that it resembles her in the least, but chasing the stereotypically noble wolf, and acting like she has a spirit animal at all (she's caucasian) is very like her.
• Holt is evidently very stressed.
  Holt: My husband says he hasn't seen me smile in weeks.
  Terry: ...How much did you smile before that?
  Holt: Constantly.
• The reason why Charles was able to not tell anyone that he and Gina slept together:
  Charles: I didn't want to hurt your feelings.
  Gina: Ew, pump the brakes, Charles.
  Charles: Because I'm terrified of what you'll do to me.
  Gina: Oh! That's sweet.
• Gina and Charles end up sleeping together again. And they are just as horrified as they were last time.

Chocolate Milk

• After Jake overhears part of Terry's phone call to his doctor:
  Jake: Hey there, Sarge. Not to pry, but I couldn't help but overhear that you're going to the doctor? Everything okay?
  Terry: (in a low voice) I'm getting a vasectomy.
  Charles: (sing-songy) My ears are burning! (normal voice) Did someone say "vasectomy"? I got snipped. No big deal, just numbs you out from trunk to skunk for a year.
  Terry: ...It's not supposed to.
  Jake: "Trunk to skunk"?
  Gina: Hold it up. You're gonna let some quack doctor just knife around down there? You are blessed with a great power. And you should never snip its wings. You should let it soar.
  Terry: Thanks, guys, that's enough. I don't need any more input.
  Rosa: Neither does your wife, I guess. (Jake high-fives her)
• Jake apparently thinks that a vasectomy is chopping off your penis. One illustration, this quote.
  Jake: Thank you, Dr. Penis-Off!
• Amy tries to join in on the conversation:
  Terry: If you guys don't get back to work, I'm gonna start firing detectives.
  Amy: And blanks! (Terry looks at her, annoyed) I'm sorry. I just never think of jokes.
• Annoyed, Terry decides to give everyone a final chance to make some more cracks about his vasectomy.
  Terry: Anybody else? This is your last chance.
  Gina: Oh, God. No need to be so testes.
  Rosa: Guess you won't be manning the "tip line."
  Charles: Sergeant, is this gonna go on your "sperm-anent record"?
  Jake: Now playing: Scrotal Recall!
• A discussion of Jake and Terry’s nature of friendship goes in a different direction.
  Jake: Why don’t I drive you?
  Terry: I dunno, because I didn’t really think of you as that kind of friend.
  Jake: Sarge, I’m every kind of friend. I’m Phoebe, I’m Chandler, I’m Rachel, I’m… who’s the dinosaur guy?
  Terry: Ross Bro! Ross!
  Jake: Sorry, I forgot, you’re such a Ross-head.
• After finding out their department is going to be evaluated:
  Amy: What? When? Are we gonna be graded, or is this just some pass/fail garbage?
  Holt: Scale of 1 to 5.
  Amy: That's how many letter grades there are. Feels like they're just being weird using numbers instead of letters.
  Rosa: Yeah. They're being weird right now.
• Santiago takes pride in being a teacher's pet.
  Holt: Santiago, when I greet the deputy chief, I want you to be there by my side to make a good impression. No offense, but you are something of a teacher's pet.
  Santiago: None taken! People love their pets. (Diaz glares at her)
• After Holt mentions that the Deputy Chief was his captain once:
  Charles: So, he's kind of like our grand captain.
  Holt: (completely deadpan) That is amazingly funny.
• The beauty of chocolate milk, according to a chocolate milk restaurant owner Jake and Terry had to interview:
  Owner: The bitterness of the chocolate brings out the sourness of the milk.
  Jake: That's the worst part of both of those things!
• This exchange between Charles and Rosa:
  Charles: My sister was gonna go with me to an engagement party but she had to cancel.
  Rosa: So go alone. Maybe you'll meet some new bag.
  Charles: It's my ex-wife Eleanor's engagement party. I can't go alone. I'm worried it might seem a little pathetic.
  Rosa: Yeah, if only you could have gone with your sister.
• Even Holt's natural stoicism can't suppress his utter loathing of Deputy Chief Wuntch:
  Holt: Wuntch. Good to see you. But if you're here... who's guarding Hades?!
• Terry Jeffords, incredibly high on anaesthetics. That is all.
  Terry: Jake! The doctors made me into a superhero! I am so strong! (looks at his hands and gasps) And they made me black!
  Terry: Dude, your head is so small. Like a— no, no, (starts grabbing Jake's head and shaking it) it's so small! Where do you keep your brains?!
  • Jake takes the opportunity to ask Jeffords' real impression of Holt.
  Terry: That man needs to smoke some weed!
  • Poor Jake is stuck at Terry's house because Terry decides to sleep on top of him.
  Jake: You mean before you fell asleep on me and changed the shape of my skeleton forever?
• Wuntch apparently thinks an overhead projection with two-toned graphs is a flashy presentation.
• "Oh my God. She's totally gonna flunk us! I haven't gotten an 'F' since I failed recess in second grade! (in a mocking voice) 'Teachers need a break, too, Amy!'"
• Charles suggests to Gina that they both go to his ex-wife's engagement party as "bone bros." Gina, predictably, slaps him for using that term.
• After Terry finds out that Jake tried to sneak him into a couple's counseling session, he storms out of the room, leaving Jake alone with the counselor.
  Dr. Mindel: He's walking out. Just like your father did.
  Jake: Wait a minute, I didn't tell you about that.
  Dr. Mindel: (shakes her head) Didn't have to.
  Jake: You are good!
• Jake attempts to physically overpower Terry to stop him from going to get a vasectomy. It doesn't work.
• "You embarrassed YOURSELF in front of Derek Jeter!" The way Holt delivers that line is just hysterical.
• Jake vents to Gina after he fails to stop Terry from getting a vasectomy and mistakes Gina's off-topic anecdote as advice for his situation.
  Jake: He wouldn't listen to me! He said I was a "work friend."
  Gina: Ah, that chills me! And it reminds me of a story. I had this sweater. And it was a work sweater because it only seemed work apropes, but one time I wore it out to dinner, and I was like, "Oh dang! This sweater is cute everywhere!"
  Jake: I get it. I'm the sweater.
  Gina: No.
  Jake: And I have to show the sarge I can be a good friend to him outside of work, too!
  Gina: No!
  Jake: Thank you, Gina. I'm gonna stop him.
  Gina: Jake, I have no idea what you're talking about, but good luck!
• The face Amy makes after chewing out Holt for letting his biases against Wuntch get in the way of getting the precinct a good evaluation.
• Terry comments on the irony of Jake being concerned about Terry's health when he had never seen Jake eat a carrot. Jake comments that it was his least favorite cake but he would eat the frosting if he had to. Followed up later at the end of the episode when Terry forcefeeds carrots to Jake to force him to be healthy.

The Jimmy-Jab Games

• This exchange in the cold open:
  Jake: I don't have feelings for Amy anymore, so time for me to get out there and spread my w—
  Charles: Legs.
  Jake: (bewildered) ...Get out there and spread my legs?
• The reason the titular games are called that is because Jake thinks Iranian president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad's name is pronounced 'Armin Jimmy Jab'. Especially funny when considering Andy Samberg's SNL digital short 'Iran So Far', a love song to the aforesaid president.
• Poor Terry has to serve as the bewildered Only Sane Man to Holt's obsessive need to "defeat" Wuntch:
  Holt: This is war, Sergeant. "The War on Wuntch."
  Terry: (exasperated) Great. You've named it.
• The "opening ceremony" to the Jimmy Jab games is Jake holding a bagel, Boyle lighting it on fire, and then Jake holding the flaming bagel up while Scully sings "The Jimmy Jab Games" in his operatic voice while wearing a Viking helmet.
• Gina's Running Gag of replacing parts of "On your mark, get set, go" with celebrities' names:
  Gina: On your Mark, get set... Wahlberg!
  Gina: On your Mark, get set... Ruffalo!
  Gina: On your Mark, get set... Paul Gosselaar!
  Gina: On your mark, get Seth, Rogen!
• Scully wins the first round because he has absolutely no problem eating month-old Chinese food.
  • He later withdraws from the games due to food poisoning.
• "Hello, Deputy Chief Wuntch. You've aged."
• When Wuntch makes fun of the mustache Holt had back in the day:
  Holt: That mustache was ERA-APPROPRIATE!
• This exchange:
  Holt: Want to hear the funniest thing ever? I also split an infinitive, and she didn't notice.
  Terry: (attempts to laugh convincingly)
• Jake trash-talking Rosa.
  Jake: Sure hope I don't sprain my arm during this race, 'cause I'm gonna be opening a lot of doors for Katie on our date. Oh yeah, I'm gonna be a gentleman!
  Rosa: What are you doing, Jake?
  Jake: Trash-talking you, while simultaneously proving that I will be respectful of your friend. It's a tough line to walk.
• "I once gave my aunt a jay-walking ticket and things really deteriorated between us."
• One of the challenges is to go undercover and talk to as many cops in the precinct as possible without being recognized. Santiago goes as a pregnant woman.
  Santiago: (to another cop) Would you like to feel?
  (immediately grabs fake bump and whips it to the side)
  Santiago: NO BAD IDEA!
  (Beat)
  Santiago: NO, MY BABY... IS ON THE SIDE!
• Even better, Jake and Amy flirting while she has the fake pregnant belly on.
  Jake: Pregnant? Nice! Means you had sex.
  Amy: Damn right! And I forgot my birth control.
• Jake later tries on the fake belly to pretend to be pregnant. Then, after he gives Amy advice:
  Amy: Thanks, that's surprisingly insightful.
  Jake: Yeah, well, motherhood... (holds his fake belly) really opens a man's eyes. I finally feel as if I'm part of something bigger than myself.
  • Then, after he claims he can easily beat Amy, and Amy slaps his fake belly:
  Jake: Don't you dare touch Amy Jr.! (Amy gasps) That's right. It's your baby!
  Amy: Are you saying I knocked you up?
  Jake: (sobbing) You sure did!
• Rosa's undercover persona is a dainty blond-haired Southern Belle. She blows it almost immediately because the first police officer called her "sweetheart."
  Rosa: (in high pitched, Southern-accented voice) 'Scuse me, officer?
  Hank: Yes, sweetheart?
  Rosa: (immediately dropping her persona) "Sweetheart"? (takes off her sunglasses) Seriously, Hank? Is that how you talk to women who come in here?
  Hank: (Totally nonplussed) Jimmy-Jab Games?
• Amy's victory dances.
• Holt and Wuntch using history metaphors to one-up each other.
  Holt: So we're just supposed to wait until it turns into an epidemic? You're like the League of Nations in '36 — just hoping the Abyssinian crisis will resolve itself.
  Wuntch: That's the lesson you draw from the fall of Addis Ababa? Raymond, you sound so naive.
  Holt: And you sound just like Victor Emmanuel III.
  Terry: I have no idea who's winning.
  Holt: (leans in close to Terry) I am.
  • Terry attempts to use one of these insults on Holt later:
  Terry: If you ask me, you're acting like a real Victor Emmanuel III.
  Holt: You're using that insult completely incorrectly.
• Holt only making the Wuntch-Lunch connection very recently.
  Holt: This opens up so many new avenues.
• Holt and Wuntch trying to one-up each other with sports metaphors. Emphasis on trying.
  Holt: That's funny, after twenty years I'd think you would be used to me slam-dunking in your face.
  Wuntch: I'm surprised you didn't see what was going on in there. I got you riled up, you oversold Giggle Pig and now you're running an expensive task force in a time of budget cuts. You'd better make some big arrests, and quick, or you'll be the poster-boy for departmental waste. Slam dunk returned.
  Holt: Not if we make those arrests. Three point dunk.
  Jeffords: You guys really don't know enough about basketball to be doing this.
• "I don't mean to sound dramatic, but today was... sub-optimal. Don't let that leave this room."

Halloween II

• In the Cold Open, the montage with Boyle's costumes and the commentary offered by the Nine-Nine's regulars.
• After Gina skips out on the Halloween pumpkin basket assembly due to having an "urgent matter to attend to":
  Rosa: What kind of urgent matter could Gina possibly have to attend to? She's already checked herself out in every reflective surface around the precinct.
  Amy: Including my lip gloss. She said she looked better when I frowned!
• Amy's reaction to her code name:
  Jake: You have all been given a specific role and a code name. Rosa, you're the dagger. Sarge, the hammer. Amy, the hall monitor.
  Amy: (triumphantly) Yeahhhh, suck it!
• Charles' graceful way of leaving a conversation with Holt:
  Charles: If you'll excuse me, sir, I have to make urines in de toilet.
  Jake: Yeah, that's how people say words.
• "Look, I can't help it if my life is literally a Step Up movie."
• Floorgasm "dancing" Gina out of the group, which basically means them putting on an interpretive dance performance at the precinct in front of her desk to inform her that she has been kicked out.
• "You have a 'baditude.' That's a bad attitude."
• "School is cool. That's why it rhymes!"
• The Summation in the second half of the episode, where Holt reveals how he fooled Jake into losing the bet:
  Jake: You played me!
  Holt: Like Frans Brüggen plays the flute.
  • From the world cloud that Holt creates, we can briefly see three things - "Revenge!", "Party Bus?", and "Frans Brüggen" - meaning that Holt had the retort planned a year in advance.
• How Holt convinced the rest of the squad (except Charles) to betray Jake.
  Holt: I asked them if they wanted to embarrass you, they instantly said yes.
  Jake: Not gonna lie, that turns me on a little bit.

The Mole

• In the Cold Open, Jake enters carrying a motorcycle helmet, and he tries to use that fact to make him look super cool.
  Jake: Whoo! Extreme! Oh, you guys are probably curious about this. (holds up the motorcycle helmet) It's no biggie. My car is in the shop, so I rode in on Rosa's motorcycle. I guess you could say I'm a gearhead now.
  Rosa: (snatches the helmet from him) He held onto me so tight, it was like a two-mile Heimlich.
  Jake: Those things have no walls on them!
• Jake proving to Holt that he knows everyone in the precinct too well for anyone to be a mole:
  Jake: And, if I run and leap at Terry, he will most certainly catch me in his arms. (runs to Terry) Coming in!
  Terry: No, I'm holding coffee! (drops his coffee to catch Jake when he leaps at him)
• Jake apparently has a "serious face":
  Jake: I'm thinking of the time when I was eight years old and Don Mattingly called me a little turd.
  Holt: Was he right?
  Jake: [perfectly serious] Yes.
• More of Holt's Wuntch zingers:
  Holt: Madeline. I wondered why all the birds had suddenly stopped singing.
  Holt: So much time with your ear to the pavement. It's a pity a truck hasn't run over your head.
• Gina's voicemail:
  Gina: It's Gina's phone. Leave me a voicemail. I won't check it, 'cause it's not 1993.
• Jake and Amy's reactions to walking in on Gina and Charles, on top of each other in only their robes.
  • And the resulting Running Gag of:
  [Boyle says something inappropriate about him and Gina sleeping together]
  Jake: Ugghh!
  Amy: Ick!
  Gina: Ewww!
• Jake is extremely rattled by Gina and Charles having secret sex, and wonders if anyone else is having some kind of secret relationship without him knowing.
  Jake: Who else is hooking up that we don't know about? Rosa and Terry? Holt and Scully? You and Hitchcock?
  Amy: ...Whoa whoa whoa. Why'd I get Hitchcock?
  Jake: 'Cause you're the girl version of him.
• Holt's monologue in the bar when Hitchcock and Scully ask if everything is okay
  Holt: Nothing's okay. Wuntch...circling me like a shark frenzied by chum. The task force turning into a career-threatening quagmire. An Internal Affairs investigation casting doubt on my integrity! And you ask if everything is okay? I am buffeted by the winds of my foe's enmity and cast about by the towering waves of cruel fate! Yet I! A captain! No longer able to command my vessel, my precinct, from my customary helm: my office! And you ask: 'Is everything okay?' I've worked the better part of my years on Earth overcoming every prejudice and fighting for the position I hold. And now I feel it being ripped from my grasp! And with it...the very essence of what defines me as a man! And you ask: Is everything okay?
  • The monologue is masterful, but Scully's response makes it even better:
  Scully: Yeah, I hear ya. My dog's taken over my favorite chair. It's like, how did it all slip away?
• Gina's plan for containing the spread of the news of her and Charles sleeping together.
  Gina: We need to make sure that no one else finds out.
  Charles: Yeah, Jake won't tell anybody if I ask him not to. I'll handle him, you take care of Amy.
  Gina: But how to make it look like an accident?
  Charles: ...I'm not saying murder, just talk to her like a normal person.
  Gina: Right, even better, get her to tell me all her little secrets then if she tries anything, we can destroy her!
• Amy is surprised to get a text from Gina inviting her to hang out with her.
  Amy: Gina, is everything okay? You never text me. Look — last message I got from you was August 3, 2009. You wrote "Sup Rosa?" Followed by "Never mind."
• Jake and Holt are in front of a board with the names of each squad member on it, trying to figure out the mole.
  Holt: Rosa's very secretive. I don't know anything about her personal life. Charles has expensive tastes. Gina has said many times that she would sell us all out for five minutes with Blake Griffin.
• At 2:15, Peralta and Holt seem to be getting a little punchy from lack of sleep and/or progress.
  Jake: What else, what else, what else? Wait a minute. One time, I saw Rosa eating watermelon. But then, when I asked her about it, she said she'd never eaten that or any other kind of melon. Now that I say it out loud, it doesn't seem like much.
  Holt: No, put it on the board!
• 3:45.
  Jake: Oh, I'm so tired. I can't keep my eyes open. Here, I need you to slap me.
  Holt: I'm not gonna do that, Peralta. [slaps him hard] I thought perhaps the element of surprise would help.
  Jake: [grinning] It did!
• Jake Peralta and Capt. Holt sleepover.
• Holt's Awesomeness by Analysis deduction, taken from Jake saying "You were right and I was wrong."
  Holt: Goodness... Boyle is sleeping with Gina?!
• The Reveal of Capt. Holt's middle name...it's Jacob. Jake is pleasantly surprised.

Jake and Sophia

• Captain Holt gets involved in the "guess why Amy's late" game: He gets into it. And we mean into it.
  Holt: I'd say she's in line... at the bank. This is fun.
  [...]
  Jake: {After Santiago has hurried in] There she is! Amy, where have you been! We have been worried sick! Do you care to explain yourself?!
  Santiago: (flustered) I'm just seventy seconds late! It's not a big deal! Don't worry about it.
  Holt: Santiago, you will tell us and you will tell us now.
  Santiago: (ashamed) ...There was a problem at the bank.
  Holt: (air-punching) HOT DAMN!!!
  • On a meta note, apparently this scene cuts to the opening credits so quickly because all of the cast started laughing right after Andre Braugher's delivery of that line.
• It turns out Rosa's friend Katie, who Jake went out on a date with, is even more closed off than Rosa.
  Jake: So, how did you and Rosa meet?
  Katie: None of your business.
  • If you look closely, Katie is actually reading a newspaper during their date.
• Rosa apparently thinks writing things down is nerdy.
  Amy: Writing things down is nerdy? What do you do?
  Rosa: Just forget stuff like a cool person.
• Scully apparently considered Amy his best friend. Both Amy and Hitchcock are baffled by this.
• Rosa's campaign slogan for Amy is "Pick Amy, dummies."
• Amy and Rosa's argument about whether Amy should run for union rep devolves pretty quickly.
  Amy: Sir, permission to arrest Diaz for being a jerk!
  Rosa: Permission to shoot Santiago for being a coward.
• This conversation involving Boyle and Jake.
  Jake: All right, I'm gonna win this case and then we can put my horrible sexual experience behind us forever.
  Boyle: I don't know, Jake. I'm afraid I'm gonna think about it every time I look at your crotch.
  Jake: Then stop looking at my crotch!
• Holt apparently clashed with his superiors quite a bit as a young cop:
  Holt's superior officer: Listen, you're black and gay, so I think you should just take the black, gay cases. You know, the weird stuff.
  Holt: I strongly disagree.
• Amy squeeing about Holt calling their meeting a "pow-wow."
• Jake and Sophia trying to one-up each other in the courtroom due to being on opposite sides of the case.
• This attempt of Jake to insult Sophia:
  Jake: Wow, well done. Another criminal walks free. I hope you're proud of yourself.
  Sophia: Maybe stop calling my client a criminal, since he was found not guilty.
  Jake: Well, I find myself not guilty of never seeing you again.
  Sophia: ...So you will see me again?

Lockdown

• "I am the king of respectfulness, bitches!"
• Jake forgets to delete his signature.
  Holt: (reading) "Dear Captain, we were all so sorry for your loss. Please let us know if there's anything we can do. Sent from my stinky butt."
  Peralta: I was hacked?
  Holt: Thank you for the email. It means a lot to me.
  Peralta: (sighs) You're very welcome.
  Holt: I was addressing your stinky butt.
• Jake really messed up when he was in charge of the precinct's blood drive:
  Jake: (in flashback) So, I forgot to put up the posters, and no one came, but don't worry, because I donated five pints all by me-self! (faints)
• This exchange, after Jake grants everyone permission to do whatever they want:
  Amy: Oh, so your plan is to not take this seriously at all?
  Jake: Oh, I am as serious as a heart attack. No offense, Scully.
  Scully: Eh, mine are never that serious. I call them "oopsies."
• The various insults Terry's brother-in-law Zeke has for him.
  Holt: Oh, I remember Zeke. Large gentleman, calls you "Tiny Terry."
  Terry: Also, "Teensy Terry", "Teeny-Weeny Terry-Berry", and "Li'l Dum-Dum." You know, it's the lack of effort on that last one that really gets me.
• Jake getting put in charge of the precinct for 12 hours would be funny enough on its own...but add in a biohazard scare which means nobody is allowed to leave, and you have pure comedic genius.
  Jake: Oh, Sir, one other thing — Hitchcock got trapped out on the balcony.
  Holt: Good. Sounds like we dodged a bullet there.
• Holt on an exercise ball chair, as deadpan as ever.
  Holt: Sergeant, is there any way you can replace this ball with a chair that is actually a chair?
  Jeffords: I'm sorry, Sir, that's all I've got. But it's good for your core!
  Holt: Yes, my core. It's engaged.
  • Wrapping up that scene:
  Holt: [starting to bounce higher] Now, let's get serious and focus up!
• Gina being overdramatic:
  Gina: (referring to Charles dancing to "Single Ladies") I can't believe this is one of the last things I'm ever gonna see.
  Rosa: Actually, with anthrax, the last things you'll see will be doctor, blood, doctor, pus, scab, nothing.
  Gina: Why are you saying that?
  Rosa: 'Cause you're being melodramatic, so I'm making fun of you.
  Gina: Fine. I'm writing you out of my will. Say goodbye to my sculpture of two jaguars making love.
• Jake's reaction to Amy telling him to "man up."
  Jake: "Man up"? Sexist. I'm sorry, but I don't see gender, sir.
• Continuing to be overdramatic as usual, Gina writes up a will.
  Gina: Okay, I have finished my last will and testament. To Rosa, I leave you nothing.
  Rosa: Pass.
  Gina: You can't pass on me leaving you nothing.
  Rosa: Just did.
  Gina: Not today, Rosa. To Charles, I leave you the memories of my supple form. I'm reminding everyone of my embarrassing sexual past 'cause I'm hoping that it's the act of charity that gets me into heaven.
• Holt musing on Jake's status report.
  Holt: I don't always understand Peralta's texts. It says they're still waiting on the lab. And "it's all'z good" - "all'z" with a Zee - then a box with a question mark inside. Another box with a question mark. Another box with a question mark. Another box with a question mark. Another box with a question mark. And. Yet. Another box with a question mark. Then. Another box with a question mark. What does that mean?
  Jeffords: It means you don't have emojis on your phone.
• While everyone is freaking out about possibly getting anthrax:
  Gina: I'm 23, I'm a celebrity, and I'm gonna die!
  Rosa: Not one word of that is true.

USPIS

• Everyone's excuses for missing Scully's birthday:
  Jake: Guys, guys, guys, we missed Scully's birthday, and it was a big one.
  Amy: I know. I panicked and said I had to go to the vet because my puppy-cat got sick.
  Charles: I said I had to take my mom to get birth control pills.
  Terry: That's better than my excuse. I said I had to go to my girls' bat mitzvahs.
  Holt: (walking into the office) Squad, we missed Scully's birthday, and it was a big one. I told them I was in Ecuador, I think they bought it.
• Jake reassuring Rosa that he will not let her down:
  Jake: You're my friend and I won't let you down. I'm gonna push you up, just like a bra.
  Rosa: What?
  Jake: I meant like a brassiere, which is totally different.
  Rosa: Come on, man.
  Jake: Not better. Here we go, here we go! (leaves the room with Charles)
• After Holt asks her to come in on Saturday, Amy acts a bit out of character.
  Holt: Santiago, I may need you to come in for a bit on Saturday.
  Amy: Again? Are you kidding me, man?! (gasps, realizes what she just said and who she said it to) I'm sorry, let's start fresh. Hi...!
  Terry: Oh my God.
  Holt: What just happened?!
  Gina: Her mind finally snapped like a stale breadstick.
• The USPIS agent Jake and Charles have to work with has a seemingly Awesome Mc Cool Name of "Jack Danger." But it turns out that "Danger" is pronounced "Dong-er" and he prefers to go by "Jackie."
  Jake: It should be Dong-est, because it's hard to imagine anyone being more dong than him.
• Jack apparently thinks that the phrase "going postal" is associated with "bringing goodness into people's lives."
• Holt was apparently addicted to betting on pony races.
  Flashback Holt: Go, Razzmataz. Go, Razzmataz. Go, Razzmataz.
  Announcer: It's Bugle Boy, winning by a head!
  Flashback Holt: I lost everything.
• Charles describing a fax machine to Jack.
  Charles: Okay, imagine a letter had unprotected sex with a phone.
• Holt's complete deadpan delivery of this line:
  Holt: I'm in a state of total euphoria.
• Amy's explanation for why there is smoke coming out of the portapotty that she is using.
  Holt: Santiago, are you smoking in there?
  Amy: No.
  Holt: Why do I see smoke?
  Amy: That's steam. I'm in the shower.
• "Is this a dream? No, I'm not holding a label maker."
• The entire meditation session with Gina.
• Charles always has the wrong response for everything.
  Jake: Rosa has every right to be pissed at me. I didn't follow her orders and I messed up the task force. The only way to make things right is to do the worst, most awful thing imaginable.
  Charles: (solemnly) Dip your penis in vinegar.
  Jake: What?! No! Why would you say that?
• Jake getting annoyed by Danger's insistence that he is a federal agent.
  Danger: Tracking these people down is a waste of time. I say we keep surveilling the mailboxes.
  Jake: Look, I’ve worked a ton of these drug cases, alright? Once they know we are onto them, they burn the whole system. Trust me. They are done with the boxes.
  Danger Trust Me. I’m a federal agent.
  Jake: You're not FBI! You're not ATF! You work for the post office! Your motto is "Surprisingly, we exist."
  Danger: Incorrect! Our motto is "nos custodimus quod lingus" We guard what you lick.
  Jake: That's worse!

Road Trip

• Jake's call to Teddy:
  Jake: Hi, can I speak with Detective Teddy Wells, please? You can just tell him it's Cupid calling. (Beat) Wait, no, that's insane, tell him it's Detective Peralta from the Nine-Nine.
• Once, Boyle tried to surprise Captain Holt (who goes to the same bank as him) when he was at the ATM by covering Holt's eyes and saying, "Guess who?" This results in Holt pulling a gun on him, and Boyle screaming.
• Gina honestly suspects Rosa of being a vampire when Rosa turns out to be sick.
  • She puts pencils in the shape of a cross when she goes up to Diaz after Diaz asks her where the cold medicine is.
• Rosa's denial of her cold.
  Rosa: (sneezes) ....That was allergies.
  Terry: No, that's what killed the dinosaurs.

  Rosa: I don't need your help because I am not sick! Gina, where is the cold medicine?
  Gina: (approaches, holding two pencils up in the shape of a cross) I hate to point out the obvi-o-so, but why do you need the meds if you're not sick, hmm?
  Rosa: To fight off the cold symptoms that my healthy body is exhibiting.
• Sophia apparently decided it would be a good idea to rent the Room of a Thousand Dolls. She and Jake end up trying to bury the dolls because it got too creepy to make out with all of them staring.
  • Their reactions to all the dolls, with Scare Chords included.
• Charles trying to teach Holt how to appreciate food so that he can cook a nice meal for his husband.
  Charles: (after Holt eats a bit of the cheese sample Charles gave him) Now, describe what you taste.
  Holt: (thinks for a moment) Cheese.
  Charles: And...?
  Holt: Cheese.
• Holt's reasoning for why he likes peanut butter and jelly sandwiches.
  Holt: Their components have a long shelf life, they're cost-effective, and they're so simple, a child could make them.
• Charles' reasoning for why he likes his favorite meal.
  Charles: My favorite meal is a simple roast chicken and potatoes. It was the only dish my mother knew how to cook, and when I eat it, I feel as though I am once again inside her womb.
• Santiago's utter inability to stop herself from saying the wrong thing to Teddy, who she wants to break up with.
  Santiago: He said he was really looking forward to a romantic evening, and I panicked and yelled "LOL."
• Jake gleefully declaring that he can be very unromantic, Sophia agreeing, and the the two of them high fiving each other for that.
  Jake: Here's the plan. The four of us will dine together and keep things super unromantic. I'm great at that.
  Sophia: (grinning) Yeah, he is!
  Jake: Whoo! (high-fives Sophia) Wait, should we have high-fived that?
  • Sophia decides that their "safe word" to indicate that Sophia should "pull out all the stops" (when she feels the dinner is going out of control) should be "jericho", a word that would never come up casually in normal conversation.
• Amy's attempts at acting normal around Teddy.
  Amy: There he is! TEDDY IN DA HOUSE!
• Sofia tries to save the quickly spiraling-out-of-hand situation by slapping Jake.
  Jake: That's "pulling out all the stops"?!
• Amy's awkward break-up declaration.
  Amy: I wanna break it up! Us. I wanna break us up.
• Rosa gets hopped up on non-drowsy medicine. She spends one scene rolling around the precinct in her chair yelling about folders before getting fed up with the phone ringing on Hitchcock's desk.
  Rosa: (rolls her chair over to Terry and Gina, yelling) Hey! Hey, hey, hey. Guess what. I got a new lead to ask my perp about! It's a drug dealer on State Street. (phone rings) Oh! Why doesn't someone answer that phone?! Get it, I'll get it. (in her normal voice) Hello. No there's no Michael here. You have the wrong number. Goodbye.
  Hitchcock: I'm Michael!
  Rosa: [Intense] That's a dumb name. But it's yours and you should be proud of it, because you are the greatest detective I've ever known.
  Hitchcock: No doy, Diaz, no doy.
• According to Boyle, salting scrambled eggs "can to pan" without using the hand as the middle man is the culinary equivalent of unprotected sex.
• Amy continues to muddle up her breaking up with Teddy.
  Amy: It's not just the pilsners. There are so many reasons I want to break up. That sounded bad, didn't it?
  Sophia: As a lawyer, it's my duty to tell you to "shh."
• Rosa apparently threatens to rip her grandmother's head off in her sleep.
• Gina knocks out Rosa with cold medicine and asks Terry if she'll ever wake up. Cue Rosa breaking a window with one punch.
• Rosa tries to insist that she could have interrogated the perp herself.
  Terry: You have literally been in a coma since yesterday!
• After Amy admits that she's glad that she got the break-up over with sooner as opposed to later:
  Jake: Sometimes, you gotta rip off the Band-Aid and let the scab bleed all over the place.
  Amy: That's not the expression at all.

The Pontiac Bandit Returns

• "Thank you, good sir! The elves will not starve this night!"
• Rosa and Jake finally take down Doug Judy but knock down a heater in the process, setting a row of Christmas trees on fire. Cue group of children walking by as Jake, in a tattered Santa suit, waving a gun around, and framed by an inferno, triumphantly cackles:
  Santa!Jake: Take a good look, kids: THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU'RE NAUGHTY!
  • Probably crosses over into Nightmare Fuel territory for the kids seeing the sight. Which also makes it Black Comedy.
  • Easy to miss at first, but Doug's sheepish grin and wave to the crowd of children is priceless.
• After Jake gets mad at Doug Judy for being happy at everyone cheering for Jake:
  Doug Judy: I can't help it. I'm proud of you. You're like a son to me. A white, crispy son.
  Jake: How would that even work? Am I adopted?
  Doug Judy: No, your mother is just really pale. Almost invisible.
• The return of Doug Judy's classic serenade: "Rosa, Rosa, Rosa... Rosa, I forget your last name..."
• After Boyle shows Gina a present:
  Gina: Oh, no, Charles, I can't take that. It's clearly not cash, and I don't have enough time in my life to return things.
• According to Charles, third base for old people is rubbing butts together.
• Gina and Charles guessing what Charles' dad got as a present to Gina's mom.
  Gina: Ugh, what if it's a romantic book, or the picture of the two of them in a frame? Oh, or "his and hers" pajamas?
  Charles: The kind that dissolve in your mouth?!
  Gina: Ew, no! No, Charles, ew!
• Amy found a loophole in Holt's "no gifts" policy.
  Amy: I asked the captain what qualified as a gift, and he said anything I spent money on. Then, I realized: my time is worth nothing.
  Terry: Sounds like you're bragging, but that's just a sad statement.
• "[Ruiz] texted me last week, needs some cars to deliver his product. I said no, because drugs are stupid. Except weed and sex pills. A man has needs."
• "Oh yeah, the one without the daddy has daddy issues. Explain that logic."
• One of Doug's conditions is that Rosa has to be nice to him... and call him "Big Sugar." Jake scoffs that she'd never agree to that, only to be Instantly Proven Wrong.
  Rosa: No, I'm in. Let's do this... [seductive whisper] Big Sugar.
  [Doug practically swoons.]
• Doug Judy tries to get Jake to join him in singing "Reunited" with him. The best part? Jake can only barely stop himself from joining in before leaving the room in disgust.
• The scene of Jake and Doug Judy in robes jumping onto the bed in slow motion while "Reunited" plays in the background and Rosa rolls her eyes is almost as hilarious as the slow motion scene with "Mama Said Knock You Out" in the background in the prequel episode.
• Gina's rehearsed surprise faces ("bewonderment", "disbe-loving it", and "sparkle surprise").
• Doug Judy suggests that Rosa pretend to be his wife when they go and meet Tito Ruiz.
  Rosa: Why would you take your wife with you to meet a drug dealer?
  Doug Judy: Because we're partners in everything we do.
  Jake: Aw.
• Flashback!Holt's delivery of this line when apprehending the Brooklyn Broiler:
  Holt: You flamed out... dirtbag.
• After Amy tells Terry that she found that Holt made a mistake in one of his previous cases and wonders if Holt would mind if she told him:
  Terry: Probably not. I mean, he seems like the kind of laid-back guy who delights in having his mistakes exposed. Maybe next year, you can do a collage of low points in his marriage!
  Amy: I know you're being sarcastic, Sarge, but I really do love making collages.
• After Ruiz asks who Jake and Rosa are when they and Doug Judy meet up with him:
  Doug Judy: That's my bodyguard, Selena. We doin' it on the D.L.
  Rosa: (flatly) He's an amazing lover. I'm pregnant.
• How Jake thinks French kissing is done:
  Jake: Jam it in there and move it around wildly.
  Doug Judy: I gotta ask, Peralta, do the ladies enjoy that technique?
• Jake is so upset by Doug Judy's escape that he screws up his reading of the Miranda rights to Ruiz.
  Jake: You have the right to remain Doug Judy. Anything you Doug or Judy can be used against you in a Doug of Judy. Sorry, I'm preoccupied by someone who shall remain nameless.
• Rosa being giddily happy, and confused at how people smile, and wearing an ear-to-ear grin all at the same time.
  Rosa: Seriously, look at me, I cannot stop smiling. How do people do this with their faces?

Stakeout

• In the Cold Open, Holt agrees with Rosa and Jake that he shouldn't gloat about the task force being successful to Wuntch while she has to put a medal around his neck, to show that she's not even worth him insulting her. But then, after thanking her sincerely for the medal:
  Holt: WUNTCH TIME IS OVER! BOOM, DID IT! (laughs) HAD IT BOTH WAYS! No regrets.
  • It apparently took him the whole night to come up with that insult.
  • Also, in the Cold Open, Jake found out that the phrase "Turn the other cheek" was referring to faces and not butts.
• Rosa's reasoning for opting out of the stakeout:
  Rosa: I'm out. Four hours is the most I've ever spent alone with any human. It was the worst experience of my life.
  Amy: What about that time we drove out to Boston together? That was about four hours. (Beat) Oh, I see what just happened.
• When Terry is describing the characters in his picture book:
  Terry: The whole squad is in here. The tiny squirrel is Charles, the walrus is Captain Holt, and the hippo with heads on both ends, that's Hitchcock and Scully.
  Amy: How do they defecate?
  Terry: IT'S A KIDS' BOOK, SANTIAGO! (closing the book and shaking his head) This is why I didn't want to show it to people. Pickin' it apart.
• After Amy and Gina see that their characters in Terry's book are a total pushover and a stone-cold bitch, respectively, they try to radically change their behavior, leaving poor Terry completely baffled.
  Terry: Hey, can I just scootch in there to the coffee?
  Amy: You can scootch your ass back in line! (pouring coffee into her cup) My coffee needs are just as important as yours. (throws the coffee pitcher that's still half full of coffee in the trash)
  Terry: What was that all about?
  Gina: Terry, I try not to judge people, so I wouldn't know. Maybe I should go check on little Amy and give her the greatest gift of all — a hug.
• The entirety of the no-no list.
  • In a Freeze-Frame Bonus, during the scene when they're both adding to it, the camera is only focusing on the things Jake isn't allowed to do, which includes "no comparing yourself to Idris Elba favorable or not," no using jerky as toothbrush, no talking about your dumb car, and no mocking ME!! (with "my food" crossed out)
• Rosa spends the night with Holt's nephew and encounters Holt and Kevin the morning after. Awkwardness and hilarity ensue.
  Holt: And Detective Diaz is in my house.
  Rosa: (awkwardly) Hey. Hello, Kevin.
  Kevin: Rosa. Marcus.
  Marcus: Kevin. Uncle Ray.
  Holt: Marcus. And Cheddar. Cheddar is also here.
  Kevin: Uh, would you care to join us?
  Marcus: Sure. Shall we sit?
  Rosa: I don't think — sit.
  Holt: Good, then feel no obligation to stay, Rosa. Detective Diaz. Detective Rosa Diaz is in my breakfast nook.
  Kevin: So, who would like French toast? I can put a bacon smile on it.
  Rosa: My being here is weird. This was a bad idea. We shouldn't see each other again. (leaves out the door)
  Holt: Well, Detective Rosa Diaz has left. Hmm.
• Later, at Holt's office, Holt and Diaz decide to never talk about Diaz dating Holt's nephew, due to the extreme awkwardness.
  Holt: I hope the fact that you and I work together won't prevent you from dating, if that's what you want to do.
  Rosa: I might. But I don't want to talk to you about it.
  Holt: Perfect, because I'm not comfortable knowing about it.
  Rosa: Great, then let's never talk about it.
  Holt: Let's never talk about anything.
  Rosa: Done.
• After Charles asks Jake if they are friends again, after they arrest Bisko:
  Jake: No. (Charles looks disappointed) We're brothers.
  Charles: Gah, that was terrifying! Don't pause like that!
  Jake: Look, brothers fight, but at the end of the day, they're always there for each other.
  Bisko: My brother had sex with my wife, and then he ran to the Florida Keys. One day, I'll finish him.
  Jake: Just be arrested, man. We're trying to have a moment here!

Beach House

• In the Cold Open, Jake deduces that Holt spilled soup on his pants and had Gina take them to be cleaned, so he tries to get Holt to stand up. Finally...
  Jake: [carrying bowl] Hey, hey. I made you another bowl of soup since you spilled yours earlier, [sits on couch] but you're gonna have to come over here to get it.
  Holt: All right, Peralta, I'm sick of you wasting time. So, yes, I spilled some minestrone on my pants, and I'm sitting in my underwear. Happy?
  Jake: Yes! [pumps his fists and drops soup in his lap] Ah.
  [Gilligan Cut]
  Amy: Sir, I need you to sign off on... [sees Jake sitting behind the desk with Holt]
  Jake: Look at us, just three people with pants on having a normal conversation.
  [cut to side view of the desk, showing Jake and Holt sitting in their boxers]
  Holt: Yep. No story here.
• Gina wants to see Amy reach the level of "Six Drink Amy" and details the various levels of Amy's drunkenness:
  • "One-Drink Amy's a little spacey."
  (cut to Amy in the bar in conversation with Terry) "Wait, what?"
  • "Two drinks: Loud Amy."
  (cut to Amy going Scully as he sets up pool shot) "WANNA GET A CAB?!"
  • "Three drinks: Amy Dancepants." (cut to Amy dancing like a lunatic in the bar)
  • "Four-Drink Amy is a bit of pervert."
  (cut to Amy smiling to Rosa at the bar) Hey, check it out. (sticks toothpick in and out of an olive)
  • "'Five-Drink Amy is weirdly confident."
  (cut to Amy climbing on the bar and challenging Terry to arm wrestle) "Let's do this, little man!"
• Charles really likes the idea of washing his lover's hair.
  Charles: Mmm, texting. That's the most intimate thing you can do to a lover with your fingers...other than washing their hair.
• Rosa's idea of flirting:
  Rosa: It was a joke. I was insulting him. Y'know, flirting.
• Jake's rather awful Rosa impression (which pretty much was just him talking in a raspy voice).
  Jake: Perfect Rosa impression.
• Amy's "fiery dance moves."
• After Terry gives Amy another drink to help with the coldness of the beach:
  Gina: Thank you, Terry's fanny! And thank you Poseidon, great God of the sea!
• Amy notices that Rosa is wearing a shirt on top of her bikini in the hot tub:
  Rosa: I only brought a bikini. Seems weird to be in front of the captain in a bathing suit.
  Amy: Gotta cover up them thangs, yeah? FYI, you can still see them through your shirt.
• "Separate parties! Separate but equal — forget I said that phrase."
• While Jake is describing how the separate parties will go:
  Jake: At least three of us must be with [Holt] in that room at all times. It's not a party if there aren't four people.
  Amy: Especially between the sheets! (lifts Scully's hand up to high five him)
• Four-drink Amy is pretty handsy.
  Amy: (to Gina) You are a great friend... and a hot little piece. (slaps Gina's butt)
• Holt apparently told Terry's kids that he found children's birthday parties utterly futile at their own birthday party.
• The Holt phrases used in the game "Real Ray or Fake Ray?"

Payback

• In the Cold Open, when Rosa is asking for advice for a date night with Marcus:
  Rosa: (to Boyle) I need a recommendation for a good restaurant. It's Marcus's birthday and I wanna do something... (with some difficulty) nice.
  Charles: Ooh, do you want like, classic, romantic, or gastro-sensuous?
  Rosa: Ugh, never mind.
  Jake: I know those categories. You guys are talkin' dates. Here's what you do: invite him over, order some fancy takeout, throw it in a pot, and act like you cooked it. I got the idea from Yahoo! Answers.
  Rosa: Dude, I'm not gonna buy a pot. We're not married.
• Gina's "Time for Gina's Opinion" hoodie.
• Charles' alternative suggestion:
  Charles: But, if you can't get a reservation, you can always go home and shampoo his hair.
  Jake: Please stop always recommending that.
  Charles: Well, it's always romantic.
• Then a perp gets in on the date recommendation conversation:
  Perp: You can go to the top of the Empire State Building. That's very romantic.
  Rosa: Huh. Maybe I will.
  Perp: You can pee on the whole city from up there. (everyone groans, grossed out)
• Amy's Adorkable excitement over getting to be partners with the captain in investigating a loose end in an old case.
• After Terry picked Jake up by his shoulders to yell at him to keep Sharon's pregnancy a secret:
  Jake: Do I even weigh anything to you?
  Terry: No, it's like holding a couple of grapes.
• When Terry suddenly wants Jake to pay for everything, Jake concludes something wrong and declares "I'm gonna drop everything and figure out why he's acting so weird."
• When Holt and Amy are leaving the office to go catch an old culprit from one of Holt's past cases:
  Amy: Now let's put away Richard Wilcox, that no-good punk.
  Holt: He's 86 years old.
  Amy: You don't outgrow punk, sir.
• The subversion of the Long List gag. Peralta owes Boyle over $4000. When asked how Peralta came to owe that much, Boyle begins listing off all the times he lent Jake money - $8.00 for lunch, $1.00 for a soda, and $4000 for a new entertainment system. He stopped keeping track after that.
• When Rosa asks why Jake can't just take back the money he gave Terry and split it six-ways so that everyone gets a little dent in the money that Jake owes all of them, Jake tells her that he can't do that because Terry needs the money. When she asks why Terry needs the money, Jake panics (since he can't say that it's because Sharon is pregnant) and says that Terry needs butt-enhancement surgery.
• This interaction with Scully that freaks everyone out.
  Jake: I'll work off my debt to each of you. How's that sound? I'll do anything you want.
  Scully: Anything?
  Jake: (Beat) Am I the only one that was super creeped out by that?
  (Camera cuts to show everyone looking uncomfortable)
  Boyle: No, that was definitely creepy.
  Diaz: Yeah, he wants you to do something real weird.
• Holt's "Nutrition Bricks." They come in Original No-Flavor and Whole Wheat No-Flavor.
• "Meat. From the street. Sounds like a fun treat." (chuckling) "I'm a poet, and I didn't even know I was rhyming those words."
• Jake decides to work off his debts to his colleagues. Gina makes him call various people claiming Gina is dead to see how they react.
  Gina: Is she crying? Is she crying?
  Jake: A little.
  Gina: (yelling into phone) You should be wailing, you stone cold bitch! (to Jake) Now call my other grandma.
  • Scully made him massage his butt-cheeks.
• Jake attempts to wash Charles's dogs, and one of Charles's dogs decides to hump Jake's leg while Jake is washing the other two dogs.
• Holt's description of his partner from the Brooklyn Broiler case.
  Holt: He was a great partner. Smart, loyal, homophobic, but not racist. In those days, that was pretty good.
• Charles thinks "Fingerholes" is a good name for a bowling alley.
• After Jake attempts the first part of Terry's workout routine:
  Jake: Oh man. This is almost too easy.
  Terry: Are you crying?
  Jake: No, that's eyeball sweat.
  • Terry then says they should wrap this up, only for Jake to demand they keep going because it's been a "cakewalk" so far.
    Terry: Oh, you want me to make this harder?
    Jake: (clearly regretting every word he's saying) Yes. That is what I want. More harder exercise.
• When Charles wheels Jake on his chair because Jake can't move his muscles after Terry's workout:
  Charles: I love this, we're like Batman and Alfred.
  Rosa: You'd rather be Alfred than Robin?
  Charles: He has access to the Batcave, plus he gets to drive all of Batman's girlfriends home and dish.
• The squad (sans Amy and Holt and Terry) manage to delete Terry's email (with Jake's suggestion for a baby name, which he stupidly sent to everyone in the squad rather than just to Terry) so that he doesn't find out that he sent the email to everyone. But then Holt, who returned earlier than expected, reads the email in his account (since it got sent to Holt, too) and congratulates Terry on the pregnancy. While Terry is glaring at Jake for letting the secret out, Jake calls for Scully to fake a heart attack as a distraction.
• After Terry yells at Jake for letting everyone in the precinct know that he's pregnant:
  Terry: You promised you wouldn't tell anyone.
  Jake: I know, but I can't help it if everyone in this precinct is a brilliant detective!
  Terry: You emailed them all! With your email! To their emails!
  Jake: Okay, yes, that was one fact that may have helped them crack the case.

The Defense Rests

• The ant infestation in the Cold Open.
  Terry: They're in my yoghurt! Now it's personal!
  • Holt figures out that the ants have migrated inside to escape the cold, and has the preinct open up all the windows, making the office freezing. It seemingly works and the ants disappear... except they migrated inside everyones coats instead!
• When Jake tells Terry that he's worried about his relationship with Sophia:
  Terry: Jake, did you do something dumb?
  Jake: That's a really good question, but actually, no, I don't think so.
• When Wuntch arrives at Holt's office:
  Diaz: (opening the office door) Deputy Chief (in a disgusted tone) Wuntch is here to see you. (Wuntch walks into the office)
  Holt: Oh, please stay, Diaz. I need a witness in case her head starts spinning around or she turns into a she-wolf.
• After Wuntch tells Holt that she's looking at a job in the Boston police department:
  Holt: Boston? But it's so close to Salem. You do know what they do to witches up there, don't you?
  Rosa: (grinning) This is amazing.
• Holt's delight at the fact that he essentially has control over whether or not Wuntch gets the job at the Boston Police Department, since the Boston Police Commissioner will be asking him questions regarding Wuntch due to their turbulent interpersonal conflicts.
• Gina wants to break her mom and Charles's dad up, but Charles backs out because his dad seems really happy in this relationship. Gina is appalled.
  Gina: So you choose your dad over me, your co-worker who hates you?!
• The sheer glee that Amy expresses over being able to finally use her (really huge) Conflict Resolution binder on Gina and Charles's conflict.
• Jake trying to get Terry to join him in crashing the Public Defenders' Ball to deal with Sophia's boss:
  Jake: Please, Sarge. Just come! Do it for me. Do it for love.
  Terry: Damn, Jake! You know Terry loves love.
  • Also, the fact that Jake refers to said ball as: "Satan's Charity Ball: Rise Of The Demons", "The Chamber of Asses" (which, he realizes, sounds sexy rather than insulting), and "The Chamber of Snakes".
• When is Jake is brainstorming how to charm Sophia's boss:
  Jake: According to the internet, his interests are skiing, his terrier, Atlantic City, the film 12 Years A Slave and nature. Obviously, nature is super-boring and the slave film is a little bit dicey.
  Terry: It's real dicey.
• Jake and Terry walking into the Public Defenders' Ball with their phoniest smiles on to blend in, while "I Go To Work" by Kool Moe Dee plays in the background.
• "I refuse to learn their names because it humanizes them."
• The flashbacks of public defense lawyers being terrible human beings to Jake includes a defense lawyer calling him incompetent, another calling him an idiot, and another one offering him a mint.
  Jake: I could have choked on that mint! Even the nice ones are psychopaths!
• Holt discusses his Wuntch conundrum with Diaz.
  Holt: I could torpedo her promotion. Just saying it brims my soul with joy. But to do so would mean that she stays here in New York City hanging over me like an albino bat. On the other hand, if I "praise" Wuntch, she will leave this city, the clouds will part, and all the children will sing, "Wuntch is gone."
  Diaz: What children?
  Holt: All the children.
  Diaz: Right. That was a stupid question.
• Diaz has had experience with vengeance and nemeses.
  Diaz: I had a nemesis once. Carla Bianchi.
  Holt: Mmm.
  Diaz: She wronged me, and I crushed her like a gnat between my fingers. I got her suspended from the second grade.
  Holt: Second grade?
  Diaz: That little turd hoarded all the good markers.
• Amy is very proud of being a notary.
  Amy: I'm a notary. No big deal. I met the comptroller.
• "And the only reason I didn't tell you guys is because I don't value you as people, so it's like, why be honest?"
• Hoytsmann's ridiculous attempts to cover the fact that he was doing cocaine.
• Holt's parting gift to Wuntch.
  Holt: I got her a parting gift.
  Diaz: Tickets to Wicked?
  Holt: In Boston. She's moving to a second-class city, and I wanted to rub her nose in it. Enjoy the understudies, Madeline. Have fun watching some chubby Chenoweth knockoff warble her way through "Popular."
• When Gina is interrogating Charles's dad on his intentions with her mother:
  Lynn: I'm a divorced, retired florist with a terrible gluten allergy. Your mom is a beautiful, brilliant travel agent. She talks to people on the phone who've seen the whole world! I'll never meet anyone half as good as her. She's the best thing that ever happened to me.
  Gina: You mean, other than Charles?
  Lynn: (Beat) No, she's the best thing that ever happened to me.
  Charles: (watching this through the one-way window into the interrogation room with Amy) It's okay, Pop. You did what you had to do.
• Charles' and Lynn's "Boyle boys!" chant and Gina and Amy's reactions to it.
• Sophia comes over to the precinct to act as Hoytsmann's defense attorney.
  Sophia: You have no evidence.
  Jake: Sophia, there's cocaine on his collar right now.
  Hoytsmann: Oh, not anymore. (snorts the cocaine off of his collar) Whoo!
  Terry: You're really not reading the vibe right at all.
• Jake apparently had no idea that Romeo and Juliet ends with a double suicide.
  Jake: That's how it ends? Why do people like it so much?
• Gina's plans for her mom and Charles's dad's wedding.
  Gina: For starters, all the bridesmaids are gonna be dressed as Roseanne, from the television show Roseanne.
  Charles: Oh, I like that show.
  Gina: A certified shaman will conduct the ceremony, and the ringbearer will be an actual wolf.
  Charles: Aw, man, I could do it, but wouldn't be as majestic on all fours.
  Rosa: This wedding sounds weird. I'm into it.
• Holt changed Wuntch's autocorrect to change "Wuntch" to "butt." He advises Jake to do the same to Sophia:
  Holt: You should be changing her auto correct. What's her last name?
  Jake: Perez.
  Holt: No, it's butt now. Sophia Butt.

Windbreaker City

• Jake is frustrated by the fact that Sophia hasn't texted back yet.
  Jake: I keep checking my phone every 3 seconds like a loser!
  Gina: (while on her phone) Tread lightly, son.
• A double helping of the "name of your sex tape" joke:
  Amy: I have tickets to a TED Talk on power poses and getting what you want by using your body. Uh-oh, I hope it doesn't get too sexual.
  Jake: "Uh-oh, I hope it doesn't get too sexual." Title of your sex tape. But seriously, what is taking so long? Also the title of your sex tape.
• After Rosa tells Amy that she needs Saturday off to have dinner with her parents:
  Amy: So? You don't even like your parents. You call them smiley morons and hug freaks.
  Rosa: Plans are plans. I'm a badass, not an anarchist.
  Amy: I don't buy it. You know, if you told me what you were really doing, I'd consider changing my plans. But you didn't, so I'm getting Saturday off. (puts her hands on her head with her elbows out)
  Rosa: ...Are you trying to "power pose" me?
  Amy: I don't know. Maybe I'm supposed to be sitting in a chair. This is why I need to see the talk!
• Gina needs someone to do a personality test:
  Gina: I was hoping to wow my professor with a genuine psycho, like Amy or Hitchcock, or Charles would be great.
• "Sarge, with all due respect, I am going to ignore everything you just said."
• Amy continues to try and find out what Rosa's real excuse for taking Saturday off is.
  Amy: I don't like it. Something stinks.
  Hitchcock: Well, I'm sorry, but I refuse to mask my natural musk with a bunch of chemicals.
  Amy: Ugh, I was talking to Rosa about her "dinner" with her "parents."
• After Rosa says that her parents are going to somewhere Italian for dinner:
  Amy: Oh, Italian? Makes sense, Pinocchio. He's a liar, too, and Italian. I overexplained it.
• When Holt's results on the personality test describe him as tenacious, Holt agrees:
  Holt: They do call me Tenacious Ray down at the country club, because for the past 10 years I've been suing them for discrimination.
• Charles doesn't really get what people mean by "never forget your first."
  Charles: Molly. She was my poodle growing up. Never forget your first.
  Jake: Your first what?
  Charles: Dog.
  Jake: That is never what people mean by that!
• After Jake shoots some of the terrorists:
  Jake: When you get to hell, say hi to Molly!
  Charles: What? Why is Molly in hell?
  Jake: 'Cause it sounds cooler than heaven.
• After Jake kicks the door of the room where the rest of the squad are being held as hostages, everyone in the room yells in surprise except for Rosa. Rosa's reaction?
  Rosa: (unperturbed) 'Sup, dude?
• This exchange:
  Jake: Look, we came here to win and they're not even giving us a chance. I think it's fair to say no one in the history of America has been discriminated against more.
  Rosa: Buddy.
  Jake: Yeah, that's the adrenaline talking.
• After Jake suggests that Rosa and Amy decide who gets Saturday off by seeing who gets the highest body count:
  Amy: I'm gonna vape you like my e-cig.
  Rosa: Okay, you basically just lost.
• Jake declares the squad as hostages no longer, and attempts to rip off the "hostages" label from his bulletproof vest, but accidentally tears it, leaving "hos" on his vest instead.
  Jake: Nine-nine, we are hostages no longer. (rips label) You know, I really meant to rip off the whole thing, but I say we go with it! Come with me, hos!
• Terry finally decides to join the rest of the squad in fighting:
  Jake: Alright, Sarge! You decided to be cool!
  Terry: I'm always cool. I also couldn't spend another second listening to those ATF wads bitch and moan.
  (flashback)
  ATF person: Leave to the NYPD to screw up being hostages. I thought cops loved to sit around on their fat asses all day and do nothing.
  Terry: That's it. (breaks the arms of the chair he's tied down to in anger)
  ATF person: Whoa!
  Terry: MY ASS IS NOT FAT!
  (cut back to present)
  Jake: Kinda sounds like it was just about your weight issues.
  Terry: I'm not gonna lie, that did strike a chord.
• After Charles suggests that the squad take down everyone else participating in the drill:
  Jake: I don't know, Boyle, I mean, they're the good guys. And that would make us... the bad guys. Noice.
  Charles: So you're in?
  Jake: Oh, I'm in. I'm in all the way to hell. And when I get there, I'm gonna see your dog, Molly. Let's go, squad!
  Charles: (hurt) That was really unnecessary.
• Jake declares that they are not going to wait for the people in Homeland security participating in the drill to meet their demands.
  Jake: We're not gonna hang around like sitting ducks. We're gonna take the fight to them, like some waddling ducks! If the waddling was super fast and cool.
  Terry: Like some boss-ass penguins!
• "Do you know how many basic bitches would kill to have the same personality as me?"
• Amy's Adorkable awe at Rosa's natural power pose.
• Holt saying the phrase "basic bitch" with complete sincerity. It's glorious.
• "It's crazy how much he flirts with me," says Gina. About Holt.

The Wednesday Incident

• Holt criticizes all the unnecessary "garbage" everyone has on their desks, and includes pictures of everyone's families as an example of unnecessary desk clutter.
  Terry: What's wrong with pictures?
  Holt: If you love someone, you'll remember what they look like.
• After Jake asks Holt about his bad mood:
  Holt: Bad mood? I'm sorry, have I not been bursting into song enough for you lately? Would you like me to click my heels together or skip like a schoolchild?
  Jake: Yes, to all of that.
• After Holt tells Jake that they are neither friends nor family.
  Jake: Oh, that's hurtful. I thought we had a special bond. I was your secret Santa last year.
  Holt: And I already thanked you for the "Who Farted?" baseball cap.
  Jake: But you never wear it.
• "I said OMG?" (to everyone else in the precinct) "That was before everyone else started saying it. I was an originator!"
• All the times Marvin pretends to be a senile old man to everyone else and then immediately shows his true colors to Boyle.
  Marvin: (to Amy) My system is a little unsettled. Could I trouble you for a ginger ale?
  Amy: Oh, of course, sir. We'll get that and a comfy chair for you to sit in.
  Marvin: (to Boyle, after Amy leaves) I robbed those banks. I don't even need the money. I just like to see the tellers squirm. I get off on violence.
  Boyle: Oh my God.
  Amy: (handing the can of ginger ale to Marvin) Here you go.
  Marvin: Oh, thank you so much. You're such a doll. *Amy leaves. Marvin turns back to Boyl* You know what I'm going to use the money for? Prostitutes!
  • Boyle is absolutely determined to get Marvin to confess and finally has him put in interrogation. Unfortunately, he dies of old age before Boyle gets anything from him. He's thankfully vindicated when Amy and Rosa compares the dollar Marvin gave them for a soda with the serial number of the stolen money.
• After Jake starts panicking about the possibility of Holt being so mad at him and Gina that he fires them:
  Gina: Jake, why don't you do the right thing and jump out a window? Holt will never fire me if he knows I'm mourning the death of a close friend.
  Jake: Or we could try plan B and just fix it.
  Gina: You never even tried plan A, though.
• Holt's bad mood-induced forced smiling.
• Terry Tempting Fate:
  Terry: There is absolutely nothing here that will set off Holt.
  Scully: Oh, I was trying to cook my oatmeal with a roadflare, but it caught on fire!
• Peralta attempts an impression (albeit a poor impression) of Captain Holt.
  Jake: (as Holt) Peralta, you are a genius!
  • Not to mention the Brick Joke near the episode's end:
  Holt: Peralta, you're a genius.
  Jake: Oh my God. You said it.
  Holt: I heard you practising in the men's room.
  Jake: Yeah, that makes more sense.
• After Jake deduces that Holt didn't go to his fencing classes because he was injured:
  Holt: I wasn't injured. I was lightly stabbed.
  Kevin: I'm sorry, you were stabbed?
  Holt: Lightly stabbed.
• Jake trying to ask Holt what happened after Jake left his house without violating Holt's demand for him to not get involved in his personal life:
  Jake: So, how was your night? Of work. I'm not asking about your personal life, I don't care about you personally. I mean, I'm neutral. I mean, who are you?

The Boyle-Linetti Wedding

• Charles keeps bringing up the fact that he and Gina were having sex with each other before their parents started dating, and even put it in his wedding speech.
  Charles: We are going to be brother and sister. To think that this all started with us going to town on each others' sexy parts—
  everyone: Eww!
  Gina: Charles, promise me that is not in your toast!
  Charles: ...it's not.
  • Charles later decides to replace the mention of him and Gina having had sex with talk about the Boyles' "ham hands."
  Charles: You know us Boyle men and our clumsy ham hands.
  Gina: Please say you're not gonna reference your ham hands in your toast.
  Charles: Well, you made me take out the brother-sister sex stuff, so there was this big hole on page 18.
• Rosa is worried about Marcus possibly saying "I love you" to her if she brings him to the wedding.
  Rosa: I've only said "I love you" to three people. My mom, my dad, and my dying grandpa. And one of those I regret.
  Charles: Which one?
  Rosa: Grandpa. He beat cancer, so now I look like an idiot.
• Charles believes it's bad luck for a boy to see his father on his wedding day, to the point that he wears a bag on his head when he has to talk to his dad.
• Jake is excited about getting to fight crime in a tux.
  Jake: I love this. Tux on, gun out. I feel like James Bond and you're my mysterious femme fatale that I've been partnered with, Maxi... Pads.
  Amy: Maxi Pads?
  Jake: I don't know! I didn't want to make the name too sexual and I panicked!
• Terry keeps breaking down every time he tries to practice his wedding speech.
  Terry: "Darlene and Lynn, I want you to remember the words of Luther Vandross: 'A thousand kisses from you... [voice cracking] 'A thousand kisses from you is never too much...'" [sobs]
  Holt: Every time he reads it, he breaks down.
  Gina: I thought you had done this before.
  Terry: Well, yeah, but that was just workout metaphors. You told me to get gorgeous with it, and it took me to some very real places.
• When Gina says the smoke machine isn't working:
  Hitchcock: I can crouch by the altar and vape.
  Gina: You are a stone-cold atrocity.
• "What are you doing? We had a deal. I said, 'If you hurt my mother, I will cut off your son's testicles.'"
• Holt's first idea for a wedding speech:
  Holt: All I've got so far is a poem.
  Terry: Ooh, a poem. Sounds romantic.
  Holt: "Marriage is a contract between two adults of different families." It's a haiku... and a fact. It works on two levels.
• Holt's wedding with Kevin was apparently very quick.
  Terry: What did the officiant say when you got married?
  Holt: Not much. When gay marriage was legalized, we weren't sure if or when it was gonna be struck down, so speed was of the essence.
  (cut to flashback)
  Officiant: Do you, Kevin...
  Kevin: Yes.
  Officiant: And do you...
  Holt: Yes, yes, we do! We're married!
• This exchange:
  Charles: We did this. Our sex made this happen.
  Jake: Charles, mic's on. We can hear all this, bud.
• Jake is especially excited about the wedding because a girl who broke up with him at his Bar Mitzvah will be attending. (We see a flashback to him looking on as the girl dances with someone else to "All Out Of Love" by Air Supply.) He's hoping he can get a second chance with her. Just before the wedding he sees her. She seems glad to see him and asks if they can sit together, since she doesn't know anyone else there. He's overjoyed that his plan is working. Then a little later he sees her making out with a guy she just met, and then at the reception he looks on forlornly as she dances (to "All Out Of Love" by Air Supply) with the other guy. Shell-shocked, he can only stare and ask, "How can this song be playing?"

Captain Peralta

• Terry holding Charles down while Jake shaves off his goatee. Holt giving them the go signal is perfect.
• Rosa's idea for a solution to the brain teaser:
  Rosa: I got it. You use the seesaw to press down on their necks until fatty confesses.
  Holt: Incorrect.
  Gina: Damn.
  Holt: And disturbing.
• Terry keeps eating the donuts Amy is using to represent the islanders in the brain teaser.
  Amy: Come on, man. Stop eating the islanders.
  Terry: I'm saving them from this weight-obsessed nightmare island!
  Amy: By murdering them?
• The use of "Spirit in the Sky."
• This exchange:
  Holt: So that's it? This problem is beyond all of you? No one solved it.
  Amy: Believe me. No one is more disappointed in me than me.
  Holt: "Than I," Santiago.
  [Amy has a horrified look on her face]
• "Every time I see him, he asks, 'Do you have the answer yet?' And I never have. Those islanders and their pathetic seesaw haunt my dreams. They mock me in my sleep, riding up and down on a teeter-totter of taunts."

Sabotage

• After Holt says he has to temporarily suspend Jake until Rosa and Amy get to the bottom of who is sabotaging Jake:
  Holt: In the meantime, Peralta, you're suspended. I'm gonna need you to hand in your badge and gun.
  Jake: All right, fine, you can have my badge and gun, but we're doing it in your office so I can slam them down on your desk and yell out, "The system stinks!"
  Holt: Actually, the procedure is to bring your gun and badge down to the equipment room on the second floor, fill out form 452-underscore-J, hand said form in to the inventory clerk, and then receive a claim check through interoffice mail.
  Jake: The system stinks!
• Jake is all about equality.
  Jake: My reputation is being sabotaged by some guy. Or girl, you know. Monsters can be women too.
  Rosa: Super progressive attitude, Jake.
• This exchange:
  Jake: Look, I know technically I'm not supposed to help out, but rules are made to be broken.
  Amy: They were made to be followed. Nothing is made to be broken.
  Jake: Uh, pinatas.
  Rosa: Glow sticks.
  Jake: Karate boards.
  Rosa: Spaghetti when you have a small pot.
  Jake: Rules.
• "If you guys won't help me, I guess I'll just get myself off!" (Beat) "Context. Context was important on that one."
• Rosa punching Jake when he surprises Amy and Rosa in their car.
• Nearly everything Hoytsman says.
  Hoytsman: I had everything! Friends, a wife, two beautiful children...out of three total. Not a bad ratio!
  Hoytsman: Drugs make me say such silly things. Drugs are so silly! Oh, I'm gonna do some right now! (Jake distracts him and bashes his face). Oh, that's my nose! That's where I put the drugs in!
• Hoytsman got up to a lot after his court ordered community service.
  Jake: But I basically got your cocaine charges dropped. You only had to do 40 hours of community service.
  Hoytsman: Right, but I wanted to get them all done at once, so for energy, I did way too much cocaine and meth. Went on a prolonged psychotic episode involving assault, public fornication, and, apparently, the touching of my scrotum to every doorknob in a synagogue.
• Terry putting his arms up in exasperation in the background after Holt calls him a "bunny-buying coward."
• After Rosa and Amy rescue Jake:
  Jake: Oh, I am so relieved you guys found me. Wait, how did you find me?
  Rosa: You hadn't done anything super annoying to us for, like, five hours, so we knew something was wrong.
• After Charles apologizes to Scully and Hitchcock for underestimating them, and Scully and Hitchcock ask him to keep that information on the down low since they want to continue doing deskwork and acting incompetent in peace:
  Scully: So please, don't tell anyone about the amazing work we did today.
  Charles: I never said "amazing." You kind of just did your jobs.
  Hitchcock: There you go.
  Charles: No, really. I mean, you also broke a window.
  Scully: Now you get it.

AC/DC

• Holt's discomfort with all matters pregnancy-related.
  Rosa: I think I might be pregnant.
  Holt: Oh. Ohhhhhhhh. Oh, n- (glances at Diaz to ensure he's reacting the right way) ...no.

  Holt: Are your... bosoms... tender?
  Rosa: I'm going to pretend you didn't just ask me that.
  Holt: Are your... senses... heightened?
  Rosa: I think I might be pregnant, not bitten by a radioactive spider.

  Holt: Now let's never talk about... (gestures towards her stomach)
  Rosa: Stop pointing at it.
  Holt: Yes. Of course.
• Peralta has just been hit by a car, whilst already suffering from various injuries, and is now lying across the hood of the car and its windshield.
  Jeffords: Peralta, are you okay?!
  Peralta: (aghast, obviously in pain) No, Sarge! I got hit by a car!

Det. Dave Majors

• Everyone's shell-shocked reactions to Rosa wearing a pink shirt in the Cold Open:
  Amy: Are we sure it's not a white shirt that's just been bloodied in a motorcycle crash?
  Terry: Maybe it wasn't her. Does she have a twin sister?
  Gina: If Rosa had a twin she would have eaten her in the womb.
  • Not to mention Boyle's incredulity that nobody's teasing Rosa about her shirt color.
    Jake: It's Rosa. She's scary.
    Boyle: You guys are unbelievable. I once wore a tie with a splash of purple. You guys called me 'Mr. Grapes' for two years!
    (everyone starts laughing)
    Gina: Oh, Mr Grapes! I forgot about Mr Grapes.
  • Then, everyone proceed to make fun of what Boyle would look like (Jake: "like a My Little Pony with a gun") if he ever wore a pink shirt to work. Including Rosa, who thinks it'd be hilarious.
    Boyle: What's happening?! Rosa's the one wearing pink!
    Rosa: (glares at him) And?
    Boyle: ... It's gorgeous. Wish I could pull that off.
    Rosa: Dream on, strawberry shortcake.
• Rosa's imitation of Amy's double hair tuck and giggle.
  Jake: I will never unsee that.
• Holt: "Gina, where have you been? You left your cell phone on your desk, and I assumed you were dead."
• Terry tells Charles and Gina that, upon rejecting the job offer he got, he returned all the free stuff they gave him except the vest which he "lost". A brief flashback reveals he didn't lose it but instead he was posing with it in the bathroom and flexed so hard he caused it to pop. The look on his face is priceless.

The Chopper

• Terry manages to win the "distract Gina" pool in the Cold Open, but with an unintended side effect:
  Gina: Terrence Jeffords, are you kidding me?
  Terry: (triumphant) Changed my relationship status to "it's complicated." Pony up, y'all!
  (The other detectives are disgruntled)
  Terry: (laughs and does a dance) Whoo!
  (his phone rings)
  Terry: (still dancing while he answers the phone) It's my wife. (into the phone) Hey, baby. (worried) No! No, no, no. It was a mistake! My thumb slipped and... (looks up at the group) I have to go home.
• Rosa's suggestion to Terry about how to get his twins into the high-ranking preschool:
  Rosa: Why don't you just get one of them in then let them take turns going to school every other day.
  Terry: That's crazy. (beat) I asked my wife and she said no.
• Jake revealing the murder of Carl Mather. Special mention goes to the Fountain of Memes that resulted from it.
  Jake: Guess who just got MURDERED!
• Jake starts to say "bingo", tries to change it to "jackpot", and ends up saying "bingpot".
• Holt's Wuntch insults continue apace.
  Holt: Yes, I never thought I'd see you this high without a broom under you.
  Holt: We're not gonna fight her, because she's the devil, and you don't dance with the devil, because you get burned. Also, in Madeline's case, she's got no rhythm, and her hands are like little rat claws.
• Holt finally gets in on the badass codename action and the results are awe-inspiring. Two words: VELVET. THUNDER.
• When they find the money, Holt says, "Bingpot!"

Johnny and Dora

• The precinct's venerable snack machine is being taken away to be replaced but gets accidentally knocked over in the process. The detectives, who'd been mourning the loss, descend upon it like jackals to grab the free goodies, the highlight being Jake knocking Charles to the side.
  Jake: FREE CANDY!!!
• Holt's remark about being able to defeat Wuntch's plan to promote him out of the precinct:
  Holt: I'm not going anywhere. Madeline's not some invincible succubus. She's a regular succubus. So she can be defeated.
• Jake and Amy have to go from a Fake-Out Make-Out to arresting their perp with debatable finesse.
  Amy: Freeze! We are police colleagues!
  Jake: You're under arrest! This is a work event!
  • They also don't exactly excel at keeping their awkwardness from their colleagues:
    Charles: So, how was the restaurant?
    Amy: SUCH A NORMAL TIME.
• While Gina is distracting the archive office clerk, Terry couldn't open the file cabinet and accidentally broke the handle. His solution? Carry the entire file cabinet!
• Hold allows Wunch to probe his body for the possibility of "wearing a wire" in the office. She continues to does so for 8 minutes.
  • Earlier when Wunch is patting down Holt in the interrogation room, Terry and Gina is perplexed by the perceived Unresolved Sexual Tension.
    Terry: What is going on?
    Gina: Shh, I'm watching something. (eats popcorn)