Funny / Brooklyn Nine Nine Season 1

"Occupied!"

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Season 1

Pilot

• Literally the opening scene of the show.
  Peralta: You did it Fuzzy, you busted 'em. It's time to come home. [As 'Fuzzy Cuddle Bear'] I'm not sure if I can. I've been undercover so long I've forgotten who I am. I have seen terrible things. I haven't known the touch of a woman in many moons...
  Santiago: Alright. [walks away]
  Peralta: [As Fuzzy] Detective Santiago! Don't walk away from meeeee!
• "Welcome to the murder!"
• The Disco Strangler: Raises a few eyebrows with the ridiculousness of the name, becomes a semi-credible threat when Holt, Peralta, and Terry are discussing it, and becomes hilarious once again once he is properly revealed in a Cutaway Gag: A scuzzy, grimy antithesis of everything that represents the disco era, wearing a super-serious expression on his face, using a rainbow-colored, glow-in-the-dark neon yo-yo as his murder weapon. You can almost imagine Braugher just struggling to keep himself from laughing uncontrollably off-camera.
• Santiago getting into a silent "You move!" "No, you move!" debate with a janitor at the lock-up.
• The unfortunate time that Boyle attempted to eat a muffin. He drops it, bangs his head on the counter when he bends down to pick it up, and then while in agony steps on the muffin.
• Fred Armisen's cameo as Mlep(clay)nos (the 'clay' is silent).
• This exchange:
  Peralta: All right, listen up, everybody. Better contact Captain Holt, let him know we got a ten-tie situation.
  Holt: Speaking of ties, where's yours, meep morp?
  Peralta: (with a "damn, I got caught" look) This is fantastic.

The Tagger

• This exchange between Holt and Jake:
  Holt: Here are two pictures. One is your locker, the other is a garbage dump in the Philippines. Can you tell which... is which?
  Peralta [considering] That one's the dump.
  Holt: They're both your locker!
  Peralta: Aw, I should've guessed that! He's good.
  • When Peralta gets defensive.
    Peralta: Who cares about all these rules? I have more felony arrests than any other detective.
    Holt: You also have more mice living in your desk than any other detective. (Opens Peralta's drawer to reveal a live mouse)
• Gina brings her "psychic" friend Carlene to help Amy and Rosa with their drug bust case. She claims that she knows Carlene is accurate because she predicted that Gina would have a "sensuous encounter with a guy named Mark." Cue flashback:
  Gina: (at a bar) Is anyone here named Mark? (some guys raise their hands) You're good.
• Carlene's "vision" is pretty unhelpful:
  Carlene: The drugs are in a location. I see the color blue. And yellow. And I see the letter L, R, S, T, W, E, and B.
  Amy: So basically everyone's first eight guesses in hangman?
  Rosa: (grinning) Thank you, Carlene. Your entire life is garbage.
• Boyle claims that his grandmother also was a psychic.
  Boyle: My granny also had... (whispering) the gift.
  (flashback)
  Boyle's grandmother: (on hospital bed) I feel that I will die soon.
  (end flashback)
  Boyle: She was right. She died two years later.
• Jake lets Terry know that his minivan got a penis spray-painted on it very tactfully.
  Jake: I'm not scared of [Holt], okay? I'm not scared of anyone! (Beat) Oh, also the tagger drew a penis on your minivan. (quickly) I'm sorry, please don't chase after me! (runs away)
  Terry: What?! There's a penis on my minivan?!
  • And then Terry's phone call to his wife to let her know:
  Terry: Baby, I've got some bad news. Someone painted a giant penis on our minivan. (pause) No, you may not have an SUV now! Those things roll, baby! They roll!
• Rosa's suggestion for how to deal with the tagger, who happens to be the police commissioner's kid:
  Rosa: Don't arrest him. Just smack him. Hard. With a phone book on a body part no one can see, you know what I'm saying?
  Jake: ...so you're suggesting police brutality.
  Rosa: (thinks for a moment) Haha, yeah, I guess so. Why?

The Slump

• When talking about what the best cop movie is:
  Diaz: No. Robocop. It's got everything I like: gratuitous violence.
  Peralta: Oh, I thought you were listing things.
  Diaz: I was. I'm done.
• Boyle shows up in a dorky sweater and Jake calls him a Ladykiller. Boyle takes it as a compliment before Jake points out that he is dressed exactly like a criminal nicknamed "The ladykiller" and points out a picture of said criminal, wearing an identical looking sweater.
• Amy attempts to please the captain with little success.
  Holt: The DA wanted me to personally thank you for your work on the Jay Street drug bust.
  Amy: That's why we do this, sir.
  Holt: For praise?
  Amy: Uhhhh...
  • "Yes, sir, I will make better mouth."
• Scary Terry.
  Boyle: Hey, Sarge, I need someone to fill out a lineup. Will you be Scary Terry?
  Terry: Oh, I love being Scary Terry. He says what regular Terry is thinking.
  (cut to flashback)
  Scary Terry: THIS IS TAKIN' TOO LONG! I'M GONNA MISS THE FARMER'S MARKET!
• The old woman who Jake thought was the missing grandmother in his case turns out be not all there:
  Old woman: Oh! That's my husband, Solomon! (hugs Boyle)
  Boyle: I'm—I'm not really her husband.
  Old Woman: You're so much shorter than you used to be. What did the Japanese do to you?!
• Rosa's suggestion for how to overcome a slump:
  Rosa: Fly to Montreal, hit a classy hotel bar, bone a stranger. Slump over.
• When Amy starts faltering in getting through to the at-risk kids, she asks Rosa for help:
  Amy: Wanna help me out here?
  Rosa: Nah, I'm good.
• Amy runs into more trouble with convincing the at-risk kids to join the junior police program:
  Amy: I know you think getting in trouble is cool, but let me show you what can happen if you continue down this path. (in a ghetto voice) "Hey, yo, I'm an at-risk kid, and I think it's cool to sell drugs."
  Teenage boy: Hold up—why does the kid selling drugs sound like he's black?
  Amy: (flustered) He's not.
  Gina: Well, why not? Are you saying that black people can't sell drugs?
  Amy: No, I'm not saying that.
  Teenage boy: We have a black president. Why can't black people sell drugs?
  Amy: ...I'm so confused.
  Gina: (chanting) Black people CAN sell drugs!
  Teenagers and Gina: (chanting) Black people CAN sell drugs! Black people CAN sell drugs! Black people CAN sell drugs! Black people CAN sell drugs!
  (Holt walks by and observes with a very bemused expression on his face. Amy gives him an awkward thumbs up.)
• Later, Amy vents to Rosa about how difficult she's finding getting through to the kids to be:
  Amy: I did not think getting these kids to sign up would be this hard.
  Rosa: (scoffs) These kids don't wanna listen to you! You're like...smart and articulate.
  Amy: So are you! Why am I offended by that?
• Rosa tries getting through to the kids, with no more success than Amy. Her threat gets turned into a Voice Clip Song, and she is left baffled and close to tears.
  Rosa: What's happening.
  Amy: I think they're mocking you.
  Rosa: That's never happened before. I don't like it.
• The bit where Terry is trying to explain to Boyle how frustrating it is to try and build his twin daughters their castle toy;
  Terry: It comes with wheels. WHAT KIND OF CASTLE HAS WHEELS?!
• Gina's interpretive dance set to Christina Aguilera's "Beautiful", particularly the deadpan way she does the whole ridiculous thing.
  Teenage Girl: I think I speak for everyone when I say your weird dancing was just weird.

M.E. Time

• Boyle's usual foot in mouth, but with a fast recovery, after being assigned as lead detective on a case with Peralta and Diaz as his secondaries:
  Boyle: Yes. My fantasy threesome.
  * everybody stares*
  Boyle: ...of cops on a case.
• The morning briefing sees Amy being scolded by Holt as though he's teacher in charge of a class of schoolchildren.
  Holt: Something to share with the rest of us, Santiago?
  Amy: No, sir, I wasn't... Peralta was the one that was talking!
  Jake: God, you must have been the worst fourth grader ever.
  Amy: Joke's on you. I skipped fourth grade.
  Holt: Santiago, anything else?
  Amy: No.
  Holt: No?
  Amy: Uh-uh.
  Holt: Dismissed.
• Amy points out that Jake is a very bad secondary. Cut to Amy interrogating a suspect:
  Amy: So, you were just "borrowing" those cars?
  Jake: [behind the one-way mirror, banging on the glass] Ask about his bank account! [bangs harder] Ask about his bank account! ASK HIM ABOUT HIS BANK... [the glass shatters from his banging]...account. You should ask him about his bank account. [walks off] Captain, Santiago broke the glass!
• To prove a point to Amy, Jake gives Boyle, his primary, full control over the stereo while they're driving. Cut to Boyle cheerfully singing along to "Consider Yourself" from Oliver!.
• Amy's continued attempts to get the captain's approval:
  Amy: It's a great picture, sir.
  Holt: I hate it.
  Amy: Me, too! (Holt throws picture in the trash) So, I have an eyewitness in the purse-snatcher case. Only problem is the sketch artist is out sick. How do you want me to proceed?
  Holt: Figure it out, Santiago. It's your case.
  Amy: Yes, I will do that. (bows) Thank you.
  Holt: Are you bowing?
  Amy: No. This is how I walk. (walks backwards with head still bowed)
• After everyone declares how unreadable Holt is, Scully agrees, except his flashback is...different.
  Scully: How do you even know he's in a bad mood? I mean it's impossible to read that guy.
  Flashback Holt: [Bellowing with fury] This is the most incompetent, worthless report I have ever read in my life! Get your act together or so help me God, you won't live to see retirement!
  Scully: It's like, what's that guy thinking? You know?
  • Also this:
  Amy: If anyone knows what Captain Holt is thinking, it's me. We are exactly the same. Except I'm younger, female, Cuban, single and straight.
  Scully: [Chuckling] Captain Holt's not gay.
  [Amy and Terry stare at Scully incredulously]
  Scully: ...Captain Holt's gay?
  Amy: Seriously, man. Just retire.
• Jake and the medical examiner's role playing in the bedroom...with Jake role-playing a dead body.
  • And her... unique ideas on dirty talk.
    Examiner: Wonder how much your appendix weighs... (soft gasp) Oh, it's inflamed.
    Jake: (into it) Alright! (worried look) Wait, that's bad, right?
    Examiner: (seductively) Yeah it is...
    Jake: Oh no...
• Amy's dorky fist pump when she manages to cheer Holt up.

The Vulture

• In the Cold Open, Jake, Rosa, Amy, and Scully are talking about their oldest collar. Boyle walks in and thinks they're talking about oldest person they've bedded, so he shares that he had sex with a 68 year old when he was 20.
  Jake: God, you had sex with a 68-year-old when you were in your 20s?!
  Boyle: You know how it is. You have a chance to bed an older woman, you—
  Jake: No, that is not an older woman, that's an old woman! That's someone's grandma!
  Boyle: She was, actually, that's how I met her. (everyone, even Scully, groans in disgust) Went to college with her grandson Marvin. Don't—don't knock it 'til you try it! She had a replacement hip with some serious torque. It was like having sex with a Transformer!
  Jake: That is no one's fantasy!
  • To add to the comedy, Andy Samberg's laugh was completely unplanned. Joe Lo Truglio is just that good at selling Boyle.
• The flashback to the incident after the Mannequin Incident shows Terry screaming and then shooting fervently at a pinata. Then Jake gets the candy that fell out of the pinata.
• The doorman Jake and Boyle interrogate gets annoyed by having to tell them over and over again that there is no secret knife hiding place in the hallway of the murder victim, so he records himself saying it. But when he tries to play it back, he accidentally plays the recording of his idea for a novel:
  Doorman's phone: Idea for a novel: a mild-mannered doorman gets bitten on the penis by a radioactive spider, and becomes the world's greatest lover.
• "Sir, call him 'The Vulture.' Giving him a name makes him human."
• This exchange, courtesy of the Vulture:
  Vulture: Hey, should we take odds on how fast I'll solve this case?
  Peralta: Nope.
  Vulture: I mean, what was it with Diaz's last "impossible" extortion case? What was it, six hours?
  Diaz: That's because it was 98% solved.
  Vulture: The last 2% is the hardest to get. That's why they leave it in the milk.
• Terry's experiences at the gun-range.
  Terry: Don't overthink it...just relax and breathe. Bring air into your lungs...like you've done your whole life. (panting) Oh my God. Guys! How do you breathe?! I forgot how to breathe! Is it two in, one out?

  Holt: Still waiting, Sergeant.
  Terry: It's just the target looks exactly like a friend of mine. It's just freaking me out.
  Holt: You have a friend...who's just a silhouette?
  Terry: Yes.
• Rosa apparently thinks the Vulture is hot.
  Jake: God, I just—I want to get back at him so bad! I wish I could throw his cell phone in the toilet or slash his tires—I don't know.
  Rosa: Or slash his gorgeous throat.
• After Boyle slides down the trash chute and finds the corkscrew:
  Boyle: (holding up the corkscrew) This is the proudest moment of my career. (a trash bag lands on his head)
• "Enjoy my big white ass."

Halloween

• Two people dressed up as Hilary Clinton and Kim Jong-Un keep making out with each other in the precinct's holding cell. It's disturbing to everyone there.
  Peralta: Stop it! STOP MAKING OUT! HEY! NO! [sternly to "Hillary"] What would Bill say?
• Jake tries to hide in the ceiling with little success:
  Holt: Are you in the ceiling, Peralta?
  Peralta: No.
• One of Jake's plans is to clog Holt's air conditioning with pigeons. It is the only plan that causes Holt to just be confused.
• Gina is apparently the only person in the precinct who can decipher Jake's handwriting.
  Gina: Being able to read Jake's writing is a gift. A useless, useless gift.
• "Dance, dance, dance!...It means don't give up! We would've won if Natasha's water hadn't broken."
• Rosa finally confesses to Terry the real reason she left Catholic school:
  Rosa: Fine. The reason I left Catholic school was because I got into the American Ballet Academy. I was a classical dancer. And I was good.
  Terry: I knew it! I knew you were a big softy.
  Rosa: You tell anyone, I break your face.
  • And before that:
  Terry: So, I called your old Catholic school and got in touch with a Sister Margaret Francis.
  Rosa: I remember that old bag. She was my favorite.
• Jake attempted to appeal to the team to get them to help him by giving a Rousing Speech (in a Scottish accent, for some reason).
  Holt: And that worked?
  Jake: Oh, no, not at all. My speech did not inspire them.

48 Hours

• This exchange, courtesy of Holt:
  Holt: (to the precinct) I know everyone's mad at Peralta for ruining their weekend.
  Peralta: ...But...?
  Holt: That was it. I was just demonstrating for Detective Peralta what a fact is.
• After the first night, everyone looks disheveled...except for Captain Holt, who looks exactly the same.
  Peralta: You slept in your office, and you look exactly the same. How?
  Holt: What are you talking about? My hair is a mess.
  Peralta: ...Oh yeah.
• We see a shirt from Terry's fat phase and it is huge. And has a Confederate flag on it, because, according to Terry, "when you're that big, you take anything that fits."
• Holt really wants to ensure that people don't forget that Peralta is the reason they're stuck at the precinct for 48 hours.
  Holt: I know you're all tired, but don't forget why we're here.
  Peralta: Because we're dedicated detectives.
  Holt: Because Peralta jumped the gun.
  Peralta: Yep.
• This exchange:
  Rosa: Hey, if Jake says the guy did it, that usually means the guy did it.
  Jake: Thank you. Everyone listen to Rosa.
  Rosa: No, I'm still furious at you.
  Jake: Okay, no one listen to Rosa, she is clearly an accomplice to this crime.
• Jake attempts to get the person who he arrested to confess by strumming a guitar and screaming, hoping to annoy him into confessing. It doesn't work.
  • The scene of Jake playing the guitar and screaming, in all its glory.
• Rosa's idea of a perfect date.
  Rosa: Cheap dinner, watch basketball, bone-down.
• Terry's stifled yawns.
  Terry: Permission to yawn, sir?
  Holt: Go home.
• Terry's brother-in-law is a BEHEMOTH. He makes Terry look like a shrimp.
  Terry's brother-in-law: Tiny Terry loves his pickles.
• "Who cares what he thinks? You're a police sergeant. You're a grown man! Now take your nap. And if I see any lights on in here, I'm going to be very disappointed in you."
• "Most women don't like it when dudes lie to them. Except me, but I'm wired to thrive on dysfunction."
• Scully comes back from checking the suspect's alibi and reports the "good news" that the alibi checked out. He has to be reminded that that's bad.
• "You just graduated Pie School, bitches! Sorry I said 'bitches,' I'm just really worked up."
• Jake makes a new friend.
  Jake: Okay, detectives. I just met our night janitor, Ronald. If any of you are missing hand sanitizer... he drank it.

Old School

• Cops in the 1970s did some pretty dubious things back in the day.
  Brogan: I once saw Gaminsky choke a hippie to death with his own ponytail.
  Jake: Love that.
  Amy: [at the same time] Illegal.
• "Distracted? Me? No, sir. Evil would love that. But I'm not giving evil the satisfaction. Not today."
  • After Jake says that line, Santiago follows his gaze to try as if she's trying to see what he's looking at.
• Little Jake's book report.
  Jake: The detectives wiped the mobsters' blood off their shoes after they found the skag! Skag is heroin. And the book says it's so good you can never stop doing it!
  Teacher: [disturbed] Jacob, please see me after class.
• Diaz's courtroom demeanor leaves...much to be desired.
  Diaz: Look, I'll make this real simple so even these dum-dums can understand. [slowly] Man did crime.

  Diaz: I'm sorry, can you make her stop doing that weird thing with her face?
  Attorney: ...Crying?

  Diaz: When this is over, I'm gonna find you, and I'm gonna break those little fingers.
  Judge: Ms. Diaz, please stop threatening the stenographer!
• Diaz's first lesson in the seminar.
  Diaz: How do I get these morons to like me? [pause] Don't call them morons.
  Terry: Good instinct!
• The flashback to Holt's first day as a police officer:
  Holt: Hello, I'm Raymond Holt.
  Police Officer: Are you...here to turn yourself in?
• Hungover Jake.
  Jake: My whole body has dry mouth.
• "I suffered three heart attacks that year. Hitchcock turned out all right, though."
• Rosa's second lesson in the seminar.
  Rosa: Why are we meeting in the ladies' room?
  Terry: It's the perfect place for our second lesson: courthouse wardrobe.
  Rosa: What's wrong with the way I dress?
  Boyle: You know, some people might say that all the black leather kind of makes you look like an evil villain. [Rosa glares] Not me. I think you look like a...sexy motorcycle. (Boyle laughs nervously)
  • "Your wife and Boyle's mom are both blind?"
• Jake's poor attempts to pretend that he isn't hungover.
  Holt: So I assume you're not too hungover to do said work?
  Jake: Pfft. Nope. It's like I never even drank.
  Holt: And that's not a hangover cure.
  Jake: What, that? [points to the raw egg yolks in a glass] Naw, it's just some...protein...for my guns. I drink one every morning before I lift. [takes a sip, and then makes a face] Gah! [coughs] So good! You can barely even tell it's a chicken embryo.
  Holt: You should drink it all. For your guns.
• Diaz's day in the courtroom as a witness doesn't go very well.
  Grundhaven: Would you please state your name for the record?
  Diaz: To be perfectly candid, my name is Detective Rosa Diaz.
  Grundhaven: Well, thank you for your candor regarding your own name. (snickers) Detective Diaz, would you please tell the court exactly how you're involved in this case?
  Diaz: I caught Mr. Ladd physically beating his boss with a fax machine. (Boyle and Terry indicate for her to smile. She plasters on a grin.) Most of his cheek was caved in. His head was basically a blood fountain.
  Grundhaven: I'm sorry, is this amusing to you, Ms. Diaz?
  (Boyle and Terry point at their eyes and mouth "Blinking." Diaz only manages to blink one eye, though, so it looks like her eye is twitching.)
  Judge: Are you alright, Detective?
• Boyle and Terry finally figure out what Rosa's actual problem is.
  Boyle: Rosa, I think you're nervous!
  Rosa: Of course I'm nervous! What did you think was the problem?!
  Terry: We just assumed you were a terrifying human being with a short fuse!
• Boyle's "happy place".
  Boyle: I just imagine I'm slurping up the world's longest piece of linguini. It just keeps going and going. Every 20 feet of noodle, there's a sauce change. I'm in my happy place right now. Mmmm...pesto. (slurps) Mmm! Carbonara!
• Holt manipulating Santiago into telling him what Jake didn't want him to know.
  Holt: I'm disappointed in you, Santiago. I thought you and I were close.
  Santiago: I know you're manipulating me...but I love it and I will tell you anything.
• Rosa's "happy place."
  Rosa: I'm in a cabin in the middle of nowhere. Inside it's just me and that stupid, slimy defense attorney. And I'm beating the hell out of him. I break a dining room table over his head. Then I rip off his arm and shove it where the sun don't shine. Then I reach down his throat...and shake his hand.
  Terry: Yeah. Okay. I'm gonna go ahead and schedule you for a psych eval.
• Jake and Brogan's drunken antics:
  Jake: [slurring heavily with an apple on top of his head] Do it! I believe in you!
  [Brogan throws a dart at the apple... which misses and hits Jake in the chest. He doesn't notice.]
  Jake: Throw it! I believe in you!

  Jake: I'm gonna go on the record: Jake Peralta... CAN DANCE! [shoves their glasses off the bar and flops onto it]
• Holt's reaction to hungover Jake:
  Holt: You look like a corpse we just pulled out of the river.
  Jake: Wrong. I look like a cool rockstar who O.D.'d in his pool. Big difference.

Sal's Pizza

• "Oh, well, it's too bad we can't all be as awesome as New York's Finest, which by the way, sounds like my mom describing her dishware—and she's dead, so let's tread lightly on the response."
• Santiago continues to fail to suck up to the captain:
  Santiago: Your wish is my command.
  Holt: No, that was actually a command. So my command is your command.
  Santiago: (nervously) Well, then I guess you still have all three of your wishes.
  Diaz: You're not a genie.
  Santiago: I know that. Okay. We're leaving.
• Santiago tries to act super chill and not at all jealous when she finds out that Diaz got offered a job as police captain for a city in New Jersey. She attempts to casually roll her chair back towards her desk, only it doesn't go all the way there with one push, so she has to awkwardly scoot the rest of the way there.
• "The insides of your cheeks are very sensitive. It's like the insides of your thighs, except with a tongue."
• This exchange between Terry and Corey:
  Corey: I was bored, and it was easy to break into your weak-ass system. It was like taking candy from a baby.
  Terry: Why are you giving candy to a baby in the first place? Don't give candy to a baby! They can't brush their teeth!
• Firefighters are really bad at insults.
  Peralta: What are you two doing here?
  Firefighter 1: You're a detective; you detect it out!
  Firefighter 2: Good one, bro!
  Firefighter 1: I know, bro!
  Firefighter 2: Yeah, bro!
  Peralta: Wow, it's like watching Meet the Press.
  • They also love overexplaining their jokes.
  Firefighter: [Having presented Peralta with a donut squashed into a file] It's a donut! Because you're cops!
  Peralta: Are you sure?
• Santiago's frequent snide comments about Diaz's promotion offer.
• A tussle between Peralta and Boone quickly turns into an all out brawl between a bunch of police officers who rush in to break the fight up and firefighters.
  Police Officer: [Trying to pull Boone and Peralta apart] Okay, break it up! Now!
  Firefighter: Hey, hey! Don't tell my guys what to do!
  Police Officer: Don't tell me what to tell people what to do!
  Firefighter: Why don't you make me not do it, tough guy?!
  [They begin to fight; more cops and firefighters come out of nowhere and join in.]
  Peralta: Uh-oh.
• Peralta's defense of his actions:
  Holt: I apologize, Marshal Boone, for Peralta's actions. Something I find myself doing quite frequently.
  Peralta: In my defense, I was the only one saying we should stop hitting.
  (flashback)
  Peralta: Stop hitting them! Kicking them will hurt more!
• "But first, let's hug like men!" (starts sobbing)
• Rosa's reaction the last time the printer jammed was apparently to hit it repeatedly with a battering ram.
  Rosa: (nonchalantly, after throwing money at the printer) I'll pay for that.

Thanksgiving

• Boyle Bingo.
  Everyone: BOYLE SAYS BOOM!

  Rosa: Oh, look at that! "Boyle saves Thanksgiving."
  Boyle: (excited) Does it really say that?
  Rosa: No. But it does say, "Boyle believes obvious lie."
• Rosa apparently has a "formal leather jacket."
  Amy: (talking about her Thanksgiving party dress code) Jacket and tie. Rosa's even wearing her formal leather jacket.
  Rosa: It's the one without any blood on it.
• Terry shakes out Scully for food: "RELEASE! YOUR! SWEETS!"
• Amy once again fails to impress Holt:
  Amy: So I just wanted to make sure that you knew about the Thanksgiving dinner I'm hosting for the squad after work.
  Holt: Yes, I received your "Save the Date" decorative gourd, your ornamental cornucopia, and this beautiful handcrafted card of a turkey wearing a top hat.
  Amy: It's a pilgrim's hat.
  Holt: Where's the buckle, Santiago?
• After Holt agrees to come to Santiago's Thanksgiving party, Santiago leaves his office and then does a dorky little victory dance.
  • Gina notices this and asks if she made it to the cover of "Hair Pulled Back" magazine.
• Gina gets on her high horse:
  Gina: Wait, are you only hosting dinner because you want to suck up to Holt? Not cool. I thought this was supposed to be about friendship.
  Amy: You said you were only coming to see if my apartment was the reason I was single or if it was my personality, like you suspected.
  Gina: Yeah, but that was before I knew I could get up on this high horse. Love the view up here. (mimes riding a horse) Clip clop, clip clop, clip clop.
• Holt apparently calls his mother "Your Honor."
  Peralta: You call your mom "Your Honor"?
  Holt: She's a federal judge in the ninth circuit. What else would I call her?
• When Jake starts chanting "Jake! Jake! Jake! Jake!" as a rousing cheer for himself "winning" his argument against Holt, Charles walks by the office and joins him in his chant as he walks past the office door.
• "Stop. Each sentence is getting sadder."
• "My body is starting to digest itself. TERRY NEEDS NUTRIENTS!"
• Rosa's sister is the exact opposite of her, which is why Rosa detests spending Thanksgiving with her.
  Diana (Rosa's niece): Things you find at the beach: for "S", I had seagull!
  Rosa's sister: Good one, Diana! Ice cream break! Yay! (claps excitedly)
  Rosa: (looking extremely irritated) Yay.
  Rosa: It's so pleasant and boring. But Holt, at your house, surrounded by these idiots? Guaranteed trainwreck. Thanks for the invite.
• Hitchcock's impeccable logic.
  Amy: Hitchcock, why do you have your shirt off?
  Hitchcock: Can't spill food on your shirt if you're not wearing one.
• "No waiting, just toasting! I want you to toast, now I want to eat toast. GIVE ME SOME TOAST!"
• Apparently, Amy thinks salt and baking soda are interchangeable.
  Amy: I ran out of salt, so I used baking soda.
  Terry: Why wouldn't you? They're both white powders. Of course they're interchangeable!
  Amy: [Failing to see the problem] ...Yeah.
• "I didn't do it. Although I understand why you'd suspect me."
• Rosa's glee at how awful the Thanksgiving dinner is going.
  Rosa: (grinning) And the night keeps getting worse better.
• The montage of everyone getting rid of Amy's food down the same toilet.
  Scully: Toilet's clogged!
• "I'm a textbook people pleaser. It's a serious problem. This was great, though. You must be so proud."
• Peralta's moment of Wrong Genre Savvy when he skips out of Thanksgiving dinner to roll out for a case with Holt. Except Holt's the one driving so Peralta wearing Sunglasses at Night and yelling "Punch it!" only leads to Holt fastening the seatbelt, checking the mirror, adjusting the seat...
  Peralta: See, now I think you're just messing with m— (Holt punches it)
• Captain Holt role-playing as 'Gerald Jimes' to stop a family Thanksgiving argument:
  "Jimes": MY WIFE WAS MURDERED BY A MAN IN A YELLOW SWEATER! It's the one case I can't solve! Don't fight with family. It can all go away so quickly. [back in his usual deadpan] Sign this [form]?
  • What makes this scene even better? Look at Jake's face while this happens. He slowly starts getting an absolutely hilarious expression of combined confusion and pure joy that Holt has decided to play along.
• Gina continues to be amazingly self-centered:
  Gina: Hey. Rough night?
  Amy: Yeah, it certainly hasn't gone according to plan.
  Gina: Oh, no. Oh, Amy, I was ordering a drink called "A Rough Night." It's tequila with a nicotine patch.
• Amy gets frustrated that Holt pays more attention to Peralta than her.
  Amy: Maybe I should start screwing up like Jake does. I can act out too, you know.
  Rosa: Please do.
  Amy: Okay. Watch this. (downs her drink and throws glass behind her. The glass hits the shelves holding the bottles of wine, and they all come crashing down. Rosa watches this with a gigantic grin on her face.)
• Terry gets so hungry he resorts to eating packing peanuts.
• Scully finally shows where his secret stash of food is: on top of a loose ceiling tile. Boyle knocks the tile over while perched on Terry's shoulders, and all the food falls out...along with a lot of rats. Everyone starts screaming, Gina jumps onto her desk, Amy aims a gun at the rats, and Rosa smirks at all the commotion.
  Scully: I think the rats got to it.
  Terry: You think?!
  Rosa: [grinning] This is the greatest thing that has ever happened.
• Rosa is really thrilled with how awful this Thanksgiving was.
  Rosa: Amy broke everything and got us kicked out of the bar. Then we got attacked by rats. It's the best Thanksgiving ever. (grins)
• This exchange between Boyle and a very hungry Terry:
  Boyle: Not a lot of places are open, so this will be a multiethnic, nontraditional Thanksgiving. It's a real culinary challenge. Give me 15 minutes, and then we feast.
  Terry: Make it five.
  Boyle: You eat with your eyes, so the plating alone—
  Terry: FIVE, BOYLE!
• This gem towards the end:
  Amy: Captain, I wanna tell you something...I think you're...like...When I was a little girl...
  Holt: You think I'm like when you were a little girl?
• "Well, you look beautiful. That's my thing now, I'm just owning it."
• "To be honest, I kind of gave it to him as a prank 'cause I thought it would be super embarrassing for you. But I'm happy it worked out. But I would've been happy if he hated it. But I'm happy he didn't."
• Jake's final Thanksgiving toast is a cross between this and Heartwarming Moments:
  Jake: So, earlier at Amy's, I didn't give a real toast because I didn't know what to say. But, since that time, a wise, unsmiling man named Gerald Jimes made me realize what I am thankful for. So, I'd just like to say that I am happy to be here with my family. My super-weird family with two black dads and two Latina daughters and two white sons and Gina and— (looks at Scully) I don't know what you are. Some strange giant baby?
  • A smaller, easy-to-miss funny bit: Hitchcock is not included in Jake's "family" speech.

Christmas

• The cold open has Boyle and Peralta breaking up a fight between two Santa Clauses.
  Boyle: Boom! That's right, just kicked Santa in the testicles.
  [Turns around only to see a group of children gaping at him in horror]
  Boyle: ...Merry Christmas.
• "Psychologists are just people who weren't smart enough to be psychics."
• Hitchcock attempts to tickle Rosa to get her to smile so that Amy and Gina can get a smiling picture of Rosa. Rosa then proceeds to twist his arm behind his back without dropping her coffee.
• While Peralta and Holt are at the apartment, handcuffed together.
  Peralta: My safe house, my rules. This is a no tie zone. *Rips off Holt's tie*
• Peralta playing Wii Sports with Holt in the safe house and getting beaten by him.
  Peralta: Thought you said you never played this.
  Holt: It's very intuitive.
  Peralta: ...Let's have another sandwich.
  • And there's also the fact that, instead of just using guest Miis, they actually created Miis of the characters named "jake" and "capt holt". Jake's Mii looks relatively normal, but Holt's still has that mirthless look about him.
• Terry's paranoid word associations:
  Psychologist: What do you think of when I say the word "bottle"?
  Terry: Liquor store, holdup, gun, die.
  Psychologist: How about "grass"?
  Terry: Marijuana, drugs... (slightly panicked) gun, die.
  Psychologist: How about cat?
  Terry: Kitten, (smiling) cute, calm, (suddenly worried) false sense of security, gun, die.
• Jake tries to convince Boyle to keep Holt and Jake cuffed together, while Holt orders Boyle to uncuff them. Boyle then decides... to cuff himself to Holt's other arm.
  Boyle: I couldn't choose! I love you both so much.
• Amy and Gina try to trick Rosa into smiling by pretending that they opened a piece of her mail that announced that she won something. But they didn't coordinate who would read the fake letter and who would snap the picture, so they both end up running to her and telling her about the fake letter. Rosa realizes that they were trying to make her smile for their Christmas card and taunts them by flashing them her broadest grin while neither of them have access to a camera.
• After Holt tells Peralta and Boyle about his taunting of the Freestyle Killer after arresting him:
  Peralta: Wow, I think I really would have gotten along with young Ray Holt.
  Holt: Yes, that's why I decided to change everything about my life.
• Santiago fails yet again to suck up to Holt.
  Santiago: Sir, I'm sure you had your reasons for going to Peralta, but this is exactly the type of job I would love to have.
  Holt: Okay, the next time someone threatens to kill me, I'll come straight to you.
  Santiago: Thank you, sir. I can't wait. (realizes what she said) I...didn't mean...Let's catch this bastard.
• Boyle taking the bullet for his team? Noble. The fact that the bullets ended up in his butt? Kind of humorous. Boyle screaming, "OWWWW, MY BUTT!" in a slow, dramatic way? Hilarious.

The Pontiac Bandit

• After Boyle runs over Holt's foot:
  Holt: (completely deadpan) He ran over my foot. I am in...incredible pain.
• Everything that happens to Boyle while he's trying to prove he can still function with an ass-bandage.
• The image of Captain Holt trying to give away two puppies while holding one under each arm.
  Holt: My husband's dog "Cheddar" had relations with a neighbor dog "Karate" and produced these two smaller dogs.

  Holt: Sergeant, I'd like you to meet Richard and Dan. They are puppies.
  Jeffords: Very cute, sir.
  Holt: Maybe your twins would like some little, furry friends.
  Jeffords: I'm sorry sir, but that's impossible. With the twins learning how to walk, chaos reigns at the Jeffords household. I can't let those innocent pups into that madhouse! Terry won't do you like that!
  Holt: I understand. Just know you have disappointed... (brings puppies level with his face) all three of us.
  Jeffords: That's cold, sir.
• Anytime Amy's allergies cause her to fall apart.
  Amy: My happiness is making my throat close up!
• While debating whether to pursue Doug Judy's lead on the Pontiac Bandit:
  Holt: How many cars did you say he's stolen?
  Peralta: 230 - that we know of. The real number could be in the millions.
  Holt: ...You're not very good at math.
  (Peralta shakes his head)
  Holt: (to Diaz) What are the charges against Judy?
  Diaz: 12 counts of identity theft, but I've been chasing him for a month...
  Peralta: Oh, a month? I've been trying to catch him for 8 years, do you know how many months that is?!
  Diaz: (without missing a beat) 96.
  Peralta: (at the same time) 80...40...6...years...months!
  Holt: Do you need a math tutor? Because the department will provide one for you.
  Peralta: I can't tell if you're being serious.
• Doug Judy's mother doesn't know he's a criminal:
  Doug: She thinks I own an architecture firm with all white employees.
  Peralta: That's racist.
  Diaz: Why stop there? Why not just tell her you're an astronaut?
  Doug: 'Cause space is scary! You saw what it did to Sandy Bullock!
• "He's such an angel. He's been so good to...the whites."
• Rosa is left having to small talk with Doug's mom.
  Jake: (to Doug's mom) Why don't you stay up here and...chop it up with Rosa?
  Doug's mom: Well, that sounds nice! We can get to know each other a little.
  Rosa: I love getting to know people. It's my jam.
• The entire sequence where Jake walks/dances out dressed up in a white suit in slow motion while "Mama Said Knock You Out" plays in the background, complete with Rosa's very irritated eyeroll.
  Jake: I don't look like a cop now.
  Rosa: No, you look like a Boyz II Men Easter Album.
• Gina, Amy, and Terry are hiding from Boyle in the evidence room...and Gina apparently thought it was a good idea to livetweet the whole thing.
• Holt confronts everyone hiding in the evidence room from Boyle:
  Holt: You're all hiding from Boyle!
  Hitchcock: (brightly) Not me, Captain. I was napping!
  Holt: That's worse! (Hitchcock looks disappointed)
• Holt scolds Gina, Amy, Terry, Scully, and Hitchcock for hiding from Boyle, but the puppies make it hard for them to take him seriously.
  Gina: (giggles) The puppies are so cute!
  Amy: They do undercut your tone, sir.
• After Boyle is given the puppies and coos about how much the puppies seem to like him:
  Holt: Are you crying, Santiago?
  Santiago: (crying) I'm so allergic. Can you tell the scooter to call an ambulance?

The Bet

• Boyle gets a Medal of Valor...and is upstaged by Sergeant Peanut Butter. Who's a horse.
  • A horse that outranks Boyle.
• Gina has the wrong idea about what keeping an eye on Charles means:
  Holt: Gina, please keep an eye on Boyle today. He's gonna say something to the wrong person and get himself punched.
  Gina: Sure, I'd love to see Charles get punched.
  Holt: Try again?
  Gina: I will stop Charles from getting punched.
  Holt: Correct.
• Santiago and Peralta are tied to see who can make the most felony arrests, and this happens. It's really her face that makes the whole scene.
  Amy: [runs in with a guy in cuffs, out of breath] Ladies and gentlemen, I present Carl Laudson, who stole $3,000. Santiago takes the lead with one minute left. Suck it, Peralta!
  Jake: [monotone] Oh, no.
  Amy: That's right, "Oh, no." [quits smiling] Oh, no, you don't seem worried. Why aren't you worried?
  Jake: Bring in the johns! [uniforms bring in a number of men in cuffs] I ran a prostitution sting through vice and arrested thirty guys for soliciting.
  Amy: That's not a felony!
  Jake: It is when it's your second offense, which is the case for ten of these gentlemen. Fun fact, four of them are actually named John. Ironic.^note It's actually poetic, which is the opposite of ironic Anyhoo, ten more for Peralta. Accept your fate.
  Amy: Never.
  Jake: Five, four, three, two, one.
  Amy: No.
  Jake: Jake wins. Amy loses. [starts music, and the whole precinct dances] Amy Santiago, you have made me the happiest man on Earth. [opens ring box] I spent one whole dollar on this ring. Will you go on the worst date ever with me? You have to say yes.
  Amy: [sulkily] Yes.
  Jake: She said yes! [cheers and applause]
• Boyle casually dropping "truth bombs" with a constant cheerful disposition glued on his face and tone (even when he's saying sad things about himself) due to his being high on painkillers.
  Peralta: (angry at Boyle's recent truth bomb about him) You live in your ex-wife's new boyfriend's basement. I'm not taking advice from you! (walks out on Boyle)
  Boyle: (calls out after Peralta, still cheerfully) I'm ashamed of my living situation!
• Holt's hilariously awkward attempts to get away from accidentally causing a fight between Jeffords and his wife.
  Holt: ...Oh. I have caused a problem. I think I am...getting a text message! (Tries to make a notification sound) Ah! There it is.
• When Sharon confronts Terry about not telling her about him being put back in the field, this is his response:
  Terry: I thought I told you! Remember when you were half asleep watching the news and the babies were quiet, and I said, real low, (low voice) "Hey baby, I'm back in the field. (regular voice) You want something to eat?" and you were like "What?" and I was like, "You want something to eat?" And you said, "Sure." And I got you that oatmeal cookie? Remember?
  Sharon: You are a piece of work, Terrance.
  Terry: Oh, damn. She called me Terrance. I'm doomed!
• Gina's poor attempts to get Boyle to stop trying to find Rosa, who is hiding from him:
  Boyle: Hey, have you seen Rosa?
  Gina: Rosa died eight years ago. *walks away*
• Jake tells Holt that he's renting a tiger cub. Why? He doesn't know. He's waiting for inspiration.
• Amy's worst date. She was on a date with her aunt's dentist. He checked her teeth, using the spoons in place of his typical tools, and commented on the poor health of her teeth.
• "So what else don't I know? You cooking meth? You Breaking Bad? How many phones do you have?!"
• Santiago and Peralta pretend to be a fighting couple to catch the perps off guard. They're apparently very convincing.
  Perp: I'm sad y'all are arresting me, but I gotta say, I'm glad you're back together.
• Jake accidentally forgot to cancel the male stripper he hired for Santiago for the worst date ever, so he has to block the stripper from giving Santiago a lap dance.

Ebony Falcon

• In the Cold Open, everyone is trying to figure out whether the Kelly Scully talks about is his wife or dog.
  Jake: Hey, so Scully, what do you do at the park with Kelly?
  Scully: Oh, we just walk around. She gets antsy if she doesn't get outside enough. And then it's just yap, yap, yap, all day long.
  Boyle: Hey, what's Kelly's favorite food?
  Scully: Peanut butter. She'll eat it straight out of the jar!
  Terry: How old is Kelly, again?
  Scully: Well, she's getting up there, but she's pretty spry for her age, especially considering she got hit by that car a year ago.
  Jake: Oh, that's so awful! Was she chasing something into the street, or...?
  Scully: No. Just getting me the newspaper.
  Jake: All right, this is useless. Scully, is Kelly your wife or your dog?
  Scully: How can you ask me that? [walks away]
  Jake: ...I still don't know which it is.
• Poor Boyle really is a sucker for high-fives.
  Jake: Trust me, the sergeant will be fine. If you want to worry about anyone panicking in the field, it should be Boyle. (holds up hand for a high-five)
  Boyle: Damn straight. (high fives Jake) Wait, why'd I high-five that?
  Jake: Because you're a sucker for a high five. (holds up hand for a high-five again)
  Boyle: Damn straight I am! (high fives Jake)
• Terry chest bumps Jake, and the force of the chest bump pushes Jake all the way to the floor.
• Santiago and Diaz are doing the initial investigation of the break-in at Gina's apartment:
  Holt: No signs of forced entry. But the window was jimmied.
  Diaz: You don't have locks on your windows.
  Gina: Way to blame the victim. Sorry I'm not rich like you, Miss 1%.
  Diaz: They cost $8. You have a fur bedspread.

  (Gina's knock-off designer clutch is on the list of items missing)
  Diaz: Can't you just buy another knockoff?
  Gina: No, I can't, silly Sue. 'Cause the label no longer makes the original, so the sweatshop no longer makes the knockoff.

  Diaz: Can you estimate the value of everything that was taken?
  Gina: Emotionally, $700 million.
• Gina's list of items missing includes handmade Joseph Gordon-Levitt nesting dolls.
• "He's like an enormous muscular Ellen Degeneres."
• After Jake finally understands why Terry was so nervous to go back into the field:
  Jake: Look, I thought he was a weirdo for having his year-long freakout, but I get it now. He has children. What happens to them if he gets hurt? I'll have to take care of them!
  Charles: Or his wife or other family or his more mature friends, but interesting point.
• "That's why I've never tried to develop an edge. Can't lose what you don't have."
• After Jake tries to get an old man to get off of his workout station so that Jake can use it to watch Terry:
  Old man: I've heard about this on the news. You're cyber-bullying me!
• After Gina files a civilian complaint against Santiago and Diaz, and they explain to Holt that they followed procedure:
  Gina: "Procedure" is just a fancy word for proper order to do things!
  Holt: Yes, that is its definition.
• "Hey, have you seen Terry? I lost him. His children could be orphans already. Fatherless, mother-having orphans."
• This exchange:
  Terry: What's my name?
  Jake: Terry Jeffords.
  Terry: What is my name?
  Jake: The Ebony Falcon.
  Terry: And what does the Ebony Falcon do?
  Jake: Takes every precaution to ensure his safety? (Terry growls) Takes bad guys to jail and bad girls to bed.
  Terry: Hell yeah, he does! Except now the Ebony Falcon is monogamous and too tired for sex, so his only indulgence is fresh fruit yogurt parfaits.
• Terry's interrogation of Jacoby:
  Jacoby: I'm not talking.
  Terry: You're talking right now! Boom! (whispers) I'm already in your head.
• When Holt suggests that Gina might be scared:
  Santiago: With all due respect, sir, Gina has no feelings.
  Diaz: She once said the best comedy of all time was The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo.
• When Holt asks them to put themselves in Gina's position:
  Holt: If someone broke into your apartment, and you weren't cops, wouldn't you be scared?
  Santiago: Yes.
  Diaz: Depends. How many guns do I still have hidden?
  Holt: None.
  Diaz: Do I still have my knife? Nunchucks? Axe?
  Holt: It was a hypothetical question.
  Diaz: I know, but I want to play it out. Do I still have my throwing stars?
  Santiago: This has taken a strange turn.
  Diaz: Fine. I'd be scared. We're on it. (gets out of chair) What kind of woman doesn't have an axe?
• Almost anything to do with Leo Sporm, the skeevy private investigator Gina hires after she is dissatisfied with Rosa and Amy's investigation into the break-in at her apartment. But in particular, his hilariously bad TV commercial:
  Leo Sporm: [To camera] How do you know if your husband's a murderer? You don't.
  Voice-over: Call Leo now!
• When Peralta tells Holt about the steroid bust and how well the sergeant did:
  Jake: He made the buy, took out the suppliers, but wisely didn't take on more than he could handle.
  (cut to previous night)
  Terry: (holding down three of the suppliers) I left one for you!
• Peralta's visible strain when receiving a drawing from Jeffords's twin daughters as a thank-you after spending the whole episode panicking about leaving them without a father was without a doubt the best way to end the episode.
  Peralta: Aw! They're so full of potential. (losing composure) Why would you show me this?!

Operation: Broken Feather

• The NYPD vs FDNY game. It's so lopsidedly in favor of the NYPD (whose only play is to give Jeffords the ball) it's hilarious.
  • Terry's victory dance.
  Boone: You don't have to dance every time!
  Terry: True, but I choose to dance every time!
  • When Boone calls Jake out on using the one play (giving Terry the ball), Jake says he'll score the next touchdown. And he does...by having Terry carry him all the way to the touchdown line.
• Jake leaves his murder suspect in the interrogation room to stew...and plays "I Got You, Babe" over the speakers while he's at it.
• Jake's idea of a healthy breakfast is gummy bears wrapped in a fruit roll-up.
  Holt: I pity your dentist.
  Jake: Joke's on you, I don't have a dentist!
• Everybody tries to beat the Vulture in stealing Jake's murder case. Even the murder suspect gets caught up in it!
  • Jake tries to pump up the suspect into confessing ... and it works.
  Jake: Come on, it's like you're not even trying to confess!
• Santiago describes herself as "a little OCD".
  Peralta: What? No you're not. [he reaches out and slightly adjusts Santiago's shirt collar; Santiago freezes up] Boop!
  Santiago: ...I can leave it there.
  Peralta: Totally.
  Santiago: It doesn't bother me.
  Peralta: I know.
  [several agonised seconds later, Santiago readjusts her collar]
  Peralta: [triumphant] There it is.
• "My nana always said, 'Bad news first, because the good news is probably a lie.' Fun fact: she made me cry a lot."
• The Vulture gets underwear from the Vladimir Putin collection.
• After Peralta finds out that Santiago is considering a promotion to Major Crimes:
  Peralta: I guess [The Vulture] is your new best friend now, Santiago. Emphasis on "Iago." Backstabber.
  Santiago: I'm surprised you've read Othello.
  Peralta: What the hell's Othello? I was calling you the parrot from Aladdin.
• Jake's last "Peralta guarantee" was that he could dunk a basketball. Which he proceeded to try to do on a ladder, since apparently the guarantee had never said anything about not using a ladder. And then the ladder slips, and he crashes onto the ground, without dunking the basketball.
• Diaz really does not like birthdays.
  Diaz: It's my birthday. I hate birthdays. If you wish me a happy birthday, I will punch you.
  Scully: You're a funny little bird, Diaz. Happy birthday! (Diaz punches him.)
• For some reason, Holt's signal to Terry after he switches Rosa's monitor out for a non-functioning one to make her change desks involves the traditional "ca-caw" fake bird call. In an office.
• After Holt finishes messing with Rosa's computer and Terry lets Rosa return to her seat, it takes only a few seconds of frustrated fiddling with the computer for Diaz to go utterly ballistic. She yanks the monitor off the desk, smashes it on the ground, stomps on it, and sprays it with the fire extinguisher.
• Terry managed to distract Gina from noticing Charles's hideous outfit by placing a mirror at her desk. She's so busy ogling herself, she doesn't notice Charles (or anyone else) at all.
  Terry: She's like a cockatiel, sir — fascinated by her own reflection.
• Captain Holt revealing his favorite movie is Money Ball.
  Holt: [crying in a movie theater] The statistical analysis...! It's so beautiful!
• Adam Sandler's cameo.
  Sandler: That's right. I collect antiquities. I'm a serious person. I'm writing a movie right now, about the Russian Revolution.
  Jake: Oh, really? Who does Kevin James play in it?
  Sandler: Ha ha, it's a serious movie. (pause) Trotsky.
  Jake: There it is!
• Terry and Holt's efficiency experiments blow up pretty explosively. First, Scully is forced to move to the break room because Peralta has returned and wants his desk back. Then, when Scully is interviewing a perp, the toaster catches on fire. Boyle notices and tries to put out the fire, only to have the fringe of his sleeves catch fire. He then runs into the main room, screaming, while Gina gleefully records it with her phone and Rosa tries to use the fire extinguisher, only to find that it's empty. Terry then snuffs out the fire by covering Boyle with a blanket.
  • Bonus points to Terry's Call-Back to his worries about Holt's over-enthusiasm for the experiments, upon seeing the burning fringe on Boyle's arms.
  Terry: Icarus...!
• Rosa is really not very aware of how bad her anger issues are.
  Rosa: You think I have an anger problem? I don't. You are both dead to me.

The Party

• "I met my wife at an orgy. Well, she was leaving an orgy, and we bumped into each other on the street. Real Meet Cute."
• After Terry brings everyone to an emergency meeting about how to behave at adult parties:
  Santiago: Sergeant, why am I here? I'm always incredibly appropriate. In high school, I was voted "Most Appropriate."
  Peralta: Ooh, self-burn! Those are rare.
• The flashback to Jake buying a bottle of wine as a gift for Holt. He walks into a store and says: "I'd like your finest bottle of wine!" Upon being informed that their finest bottle will be several thousand dollars, he immediately changes his order to: "I'd like your eight-dollar-est bottle of wine!" He receives a bottle of what legally must be called "wine drink" from the "finest vineyard in Arkansas." Even funnier is that the entire rest of the squad bought the same bottle.
• Boyle's entire food-based arc.
• The fact that Holt is considered hilarious in his social circle.
• At the end of Terry's party debriefing, everyone stacking their hands and on the count of three, whispering, "Be appropriate."
• "Don't move as a group. You're not gazelles!"
• "Stop eating crab wrong!"
• "I was thinking about how I would make the perfect American president based upon my skillset, dance ability, and bloodlust."
• "I'm fancy. One time, I had coffee-flavored ice cream."
• Rosa ends up letting Gina run free in front of some psychologists, who are fascinated by her oddness.
  Amy: Aren't you supposed to be babysitting Gina?
  Rosa: Doesn't need my help. She's over there, dazzling some psychologists.
  Gina: (sitting on a couch, talking to a group of psychologists who are frantically scribbling notes) All men are at least 30% attracted to me.
  (some more psychologists have joined the group)
  Gina: My mother cried the day I was born because she knew she would never be better than me.
  (a whole crowd of psychologists has gathered around Gina)
  Gina: At any given moment, I'm thinking about one thing: Richard Dreyfuss hunkered over eating dog food.
  Gina: I feel like I'm the Paris of people.
  One of the psychologists: A complete overlap of ego and id. It's been theorized, but I never thought I'd see it.
  Gina: I'm exquisite.
• Santiago has just flubbed trying to suck up to Captain Holt.
  Diaz: Blink twice if you'd like me to mercy-kill you.
• Due to a series of poor decisions, Peralta, Santiago, and Sgt. Jeffords are in Holt and Kevin's bedroom when they come in to talk, whereupon they all freak out and hide in the bathroom.
  [Santiago sneezes]
  Holt: Santiago? Are you in the bathroom with a dog you're deathly allergic to?
  Santiago: ...No.
  [Holt opens the door. Jake is holding a towel over Amy's face, Jeffords is holding the dog.]
  Peralta: Occupied!
  [Holt closes the door]
  • Jake looking Kevin's Corgi in the eye with deadly seriousness: "Look at me. Do not blow this for us."
  • The return of the Running Gag of Holt being the funny one in his marriage:
  Holt: You've been curt and snobby with my guests. You've been needling poor Peralta so much, you've practically made him a new suit!
  Kevin: "Needled him a new suit"? Even when we're fighting, you're hilarious; stop it! Stop it!
• "Why didn't Kevin want to invite us? We could have been really cool people! We weren't, but we could have been."
• The entire squad gets together to make up for ruining the captain's birthday. Amy chooses a restaurant, Boyle the menu, Terry the wine...and Gina returns the silverware she stole from their house.
  Rosa: Also this clock.
  Holt: ...This isn't ours.

Full Boyle

• Boyle has apparently taken to singing at pretty inappropriate times.
  Boyle: (singing) If you like piña coladas...
  Jake: Dead guy, Charles.
  Boyle: Sorry.
• Boyle's reaction to Gina checking him out.
  Gina: Nice jeans, Boyle. Those are surprisingly low-waisted.
  Boyle: Eyes up here, Gina. I'm more than just a piece of ass.
  • Gina's later reaction to the fact that she checked Boyle out.
  Gina: I can't believe I was briefly attracted to Boyle! EWWWW!
• The reason why no one has a clear idea of what the perp of the crime Charles is presenting looks like.
  Boyle: An unlicensed cab driver's been picking up tourists. Driver takes the vics down under the B.Q.E., robs 'em at gunpoint, leaves them stranded. Unfortunately, because they're tourists and our perp is not Caucasian, we don't have a clear idea of what he looks like.
  (flashback to Boyle interviewing one of these tourist victims)
  Tourist: He was either Latino, Arab, or Mexican. Either way, very Muslim.
• This conversation between officer Brian Jensen and Holt.
  Brian: Captain Holt, we recently met at the African-American Gay and Lesbian New York City Policemen's Association.
  Holt: Ah yes, that name is quite a mouthful, just call it the AAGLNYCPA [pronouncing "agglinickpaw"].
• Jake being at a loss for words meeting Vivien's friend Bernice.
  Jake: Oh, uh, hello, I'm Jack...tractive..
  Bernice: Jack Tractive?
  Jake: Yes...my parents were hippies.
• Peralta and Boyle pretending to be from various places out of town so they can catch a fake cab driver robbing tourists.
• Rosa doesn't even bother trying to pull an I Have to Go Iron My Dog when a caped person who calls himself "Super Dan" asks to speak to a police officer.
  Rosa: I'm busy working on this...
  (Beat)
  (another beat)
  Rosa: ...excuse.
• Amy's excuse for "Super Dan."
  Super Dan: I'm Super Dan, and I have a crime to report.
  Amy: Oh, gosh, I am so sorry. I literally just retired. This is my retirement cake. [picks up muffin to show him, then takes a bite out of it] Mmmm. Thanks, you guys! I'm gonna miss this place!
• The voicemail Boyle almost leaves Vivian after Jake tells him to try and postpone their anniversary dinner to prove that he wasn't going "Full Boyle."
  Boyle: Hi, Vivi, it's me, Chucklebunny.
  Santiago: Oof.
  Boyle: I'm just calling about dinner tomorrow. (pause) I can't wait to see you, my luscious little breakfast quiche. I just wanna draw you a bubble bath and spoon-feed you caviar. I think we should open a joint checking account. I love you— (covers receiver of phone) what am I doing?!
  Peralta: It's okay. I hung up right after "Chucklebunny."
  • Watching closely, you can see Jake move his hand towards the phone the second Charles has finished dialing, ready to intervene.
• How Holt managed to found the AAGLNYCPA:
  Past Holt: I'd like to request discretionary funds to start an organization supporting black gay and lesbian police officers.
  [all the cops in the room laugh uproariously]
  Present Day Holt: They never actually said no, so I just went ahead and did it.
• "I was born for politics. I have great hair and I love lying."
• Holt's idea for an opening joke.
  Holt: You know what the toughest part about being a gay black police officer is? The discrimination. I believe that's what you call "observational humor."
  • And everyone at the AAGLNYCPA apparently found the joke hilarious, much to Gina's complete bafflement.
• After Terry reassigns Santiago and Diaz's drug bust case to Hitchcock and Scully as punishment for them ignoring Super Dan:
  Santiago: We screwed up. Message received.
  Diaz: Yep, be nicer to virgins.
  Santiago: She doesn't speak for me.
• "The stakes are very high for me. I'm getting nervous. My stomach is... in flux."
• Rosa apparently really insulted Super Dan.
  Terry: The truth is, I had to give [Hitchcock and Scully] the case. You insulted Super Dan. He refuses to cooperate with you.
  Rosa: We weren't that bad.
  Terry: You told him his superpower was being so embarrassing that people laughed themselves to death.
  Rosa: (chuckles) Yeah.
• (while shaking Brian's hand) "If you screw this up, I will impeach you. I wrote the bylaws, so I know how to do it. But I'm very happy for you. But I will impeach you, if necessary."
• Charles and Jake pepper spraying each other while screaming.

The Apartment

• Peralta accidentally calls Holt "Dad" in front of the whole squad, then tries desperately to cover it up. Eventually, Holt asks if he'd like to discuss it over a game of catch. Peralta sheepishly says yes.
  Jake: Thanks, Dad. (everyone stops what they're doing and stares at him) Why is everyone staring at me?
  Rosa: You just called Captain Holt "Dad." You said, "Thanks, Dad."
  Jake: What? No, I didn't. I said, "Thanks, man."
  Holt: Do you see me as a father figure, Peralta?
  Jake: No! If anything, I see you as a bother figure, 'cuz you're always bothering me.
  Terry: Hey! Show your father some respect!
  Jake: I didn't call him Dad!
  Holt: No, no, no, no, Jacob, I take it as a compliment.
  Boyle: It's not a big deal. I called Vivian "mom" once, and she's my fiancee.
  Jake: Guys, jump on that! Boyle has psycho-sexual issues!
  Amy: Old news. But you calling Holt "Daddy"—
  Jake: Hey, "Daddy" is not on the table here.
  Perp: But you did call him "Dad", dude.
  Jake: You shut up. You've done nothing but lie since you got here.
  Perp: All right, all right, I was lying about the holdup, but the dad thing, that happened.
  Jake: Aha! He admitted that his alibi was a lie. It was a trap, all part of my crazy, devious plan.
  Holt: I believe you.
  Jake: Thank you.
  Holt: Son. (Jake sighs) Do you want to talk about it later over a game of catch?
  Jake: (Beat) I'd like that.
• This exchange after Holt thanks everyone for showing up on their day off.
  Holt: I know you'd all rather be at home, binge-watching media content.
  Jake: Oh! I just started the second season of media content, no spoilers!
• Santiago once again tries sucking up to Holt.
  Santiago: Sir, I think I speak for all of us—
  Peralta and Diaz: She doesn't.
  Santiago: When I say that we can't wait for you to sit in judgement of us.
  Holt: Oh, these will be self-evaluations, Santiago.
  Santiago: Why?!...se. Very wise, sir.
  Peralta: Nice save.
• In the run-up to the self-evaluations, Jeffords claims that he feels like a mother hen proudly watching her chicks as they learns how to fly. Holt points out that chickens are famous for being poor fliers.
• Why did anyone think Gina could help with the evaluations?
  Peralta: Huh... these are her notes so far: "Empanadas, Atlantic City, birth control"
  Gina: No, that's my travel journal, I haven't started on the notes yet.
• Peralta's attempt to invoke pity from Holt in order to get enough money to buy his apartment doesn't work very well.
  Gina: Jake, I cannot believe you're gonna lose Nana's apartment! (to Holt and Terry) We grew up together. We used to hang out there every day after school.
  Peralta: That's right, because there was no one to look after us, because our moms both worked, and (sighing heavily) we didn't have fathers because divorce.
  Holt: Peralta, I will not give you a "cool half-mil" because you had a slightly sad childhood.
• Gina's description of how Nana affected her:
  Gina: Nana made me the intelligent, sensuous woman I am today.
  Terry: Weird way to describe a grandmother's influence on you.
• When Rosa is complaining about the person on the weekend crew who shares her desk:
  Boyle: Why don't you just ask him to stop shaving at his desk?
  Rosa: He denies even doing it; I don't know why. Next time I catch him shaving I'm gonna punch him so hard in the mouth he bites his own heart.
  Boyle: ...Could that be why he denies doing it?
  Rosa: [as if this is a revelation] Oh yeah, you could be right, yeah.
• Scully is sweating bullets during his self-evaluation, so Hitchcock is there to support him and support him, he does.
  Hitchcock: Not to brag, but Scully and I have a combined total of 14 arrests. Would've been 20 but we only got 14.
  Holt: That's not enough arrests.
  Hitchcock: Well, no one asked you. It's a self-evaluation.
• Gina Comically Missing the Point of what Jake is asking.
  Jake: So, talk to me, Goose, how we lookin'?
  Gina: Sexy, but not like we're trying too hard. Like, sure, we're trying, but it's almost effortless.
  Jake: Yeah, no, I knew all of that, I meant the money thing.
  Gina: Oh. My first impression is that you have a debilitating spending problem.
• And her first suggestion for a solution:
  Gina: You'd make a decent prostitute.
  Jake: I'd make an amazing prostitute.
• Jake owns six massage chairs (because "they don't make a massage couch!"), three turntables, and has watched Olympus Has Fallen on demand 12 times.
• Jake suggests that he could see a guy named Frank who'll loan money to anybody:
  Gina: So... a loan shark. Maybe you're not thinking this through.
  Jake: Says the woman who's been engaged eight times.
  Gina: Uh, but never married once. Game, set, match—Linetti.
• Gina makes a Disney reference that flies over Jake's head.
  Gina: Jake, he is a sea witch in disguise, do not sing into his shell!
  Jake: I have no idea what you're talking about right now. (signs contract)
  Gina: Oh, little mermaid. What have you done?
• This exchange:
  Jake: You're right. This could be good. I mean, maybe we'll find a great place.
  Gina: Atta girl.
  Jake: In a cooler neighborhood.
  Gina: That's right, girl.
  Jake: Maybe I'll even have a cute neighbor.
  Gina: Get it, girl!
  Jake: You gotta stop calling me "girl."
  Gina: Sorry, girl.
• Santiago's second attempt at a self-evaluation.
  Holt: So, what's your biggest flaw?
  Santiago: My biggest flaws? (takes out notepad) I'm too competitive, prone to jealousy, bit of a killjoy, follow rules to a fault, don't know how to relax, and every now and then, I smoke a cigarette. Is that what you're looking for? Because I can keep going. I am deeply flawed!
  Holt: Santiago...
  Santiago: Oh no, "Santiago" in B-flat. You're disappointed. Okay. Well, I am going to go to a secret location and make sure that nobody is smoking there, I'll be right back.
• Jake's attempts at saving electricity.
  Gina: Should we turn some lights on?
  Jake: Trying to save electricity, Gina.
  Gina: Your massage chair is on.
  Jake: Yeah, I'm poor, I'm not a savage.
• Amy can't get a word in on Jake's Thinking Out Loud realization speech because he keeps Rapid-Fire Interrupting her, leading to:
  Jake: Thanks for your help, Amy.
  Amy: Didn't say anything. Don't want credit in case it goes wrong.
  Jake: Yeah, that's smart, given my track record.
• The credits scene where Amy finally admits her true flaw.
  Holt: Hello detective, is there any reason why you're interrupting me (camera pans slighty closer) mid-soup.
  • Afterwards:
  Santiago: Evaluation over. Enjoy your soup.
  (Holt drinks the soup out of the bowl.)

Tactical Village

• Boyle handing out "STDs": Save the Date cards.
  Jake: Hey, just out of curiosity, how many people have you given STDs to?
  Charles: Lots. Like a hundred.
  [Amy, Jake, and Terry laugh]
  Charles: What's going on? Oh, okay, I get it. "STD" has another meaning. You're gross. No one else is gonna think that.
  Amy: Everyone is going to think that. But it's sweet that your mind didn't go there.
  Charles: Thank you. It is kinda sweet.
  Amy: Will your first dance be to "You Give Me Fever"?
  Terry: Will you be serving crabs at the reception?
  Gina: Do you have herpes?
  Charles: Guys, this is my wedding. This is important to me. No more jokes.
  Jake: You're right, and we're sorry. We love you, buddy. Warts and all. Sorry, I made a rash decision. I was itching to say it. Okay, I'm done.
  Hitchcock: [proudly] I have an STD.
• Holt and Peralta share a little Snark-to-Snark Combat:
  Holt: Peralta, I'm surprised to see you so excited about departmentally mandated training exercises.
  Peralta: It's the most fun day of the year! Something you wouldn't understand, because you're not programmed to feel joy.
  Holt: Yes, but my software is due for an exuberance upgrade.
  Peralta: You know, when you play along with the robot jokes, it kind of ruins my enjoyment of them.
  Holt: Yes, I know.
  • Becomes Hilarious in Hindsight as Holt's stoic façade gives way to more and more antics in later seasons.
• In flashbacks to previous tactical training, we see Jake dive across a hallway to shoot two perps holding an innocent man hostage, Rosa shooting Guns Akimbo, Terry firing a paintball shotgun and doing a victory dance, and Scully firing a paintball shotgun...with his eyes closed, into the perp's back, because he's already been shot and is walking away. Oh, and Charles pulls the pins on two grenades with his teeth and tosses them before diving through a door.
• Charles mentions that Jake has been a finalist for "Coolest Kill" two years in a row.
  Jake: It's not that big of a deal. All you win is a children's karate trophy, so....
  Holt: You desperately want it, don't you.
  Jake: So badly. I will stop at nothing to get that trophy. I'll shoot you all in the face if I have to! Go, team.
• Captain Holt getting addicted to a Candy Crush Saga-style game app called "Kwazy Cupcakes" and therefore repeatedly having to say "Kwazy Cupcakes" throughout the episode.
  • The 'w' is backwards. Somehow.
  • After Gina finds out about Holt playing Kwazy Cupcakes:
    Gina: It's so addictive, right? I play so much that when I close my eyes at night, I just see cupcakes now instead of my normal dizzying array of flashing lights.
  • The part where his addiction reaches a head when he realizes it's affecting his work: During a lineup, he has two guys switch places so that the six guys form two matching colored rows.
    Holt: (whispering) Cupcake match.
  • "'Kwazy' is a hard word to say in anger but I feel I've made my point."
• Jake's "sexy" voice.
  "Champagne. Mountain range. Hugs."
• Charles is once again trying to get Jake to realize his feelings for Amy.
  Charles: What is going on with you two?
  Jake: Come on, Boyle, not this again.
  Charles: You gotta admit there's a spark.
  Jake: How many times do I have to say it? She's like a sister.
  Charles: That's what Luke said about Leia.
  Jake: Hey, Luke didn't know! No one knew!
• After Rosa finds out from Terry that Boyle didn't invite her to his wedding:
  Rosa: He didn't invite me to his wedding and now he's scared like a little bitch.
  Terry: Well, maybe Vivian was uncomfortable with you coming. Look, Boyle was in love with you until a few weeks ago. (Rosa walks off) Oh, don't be angry.
  Rosa: I'm not angry. I just think it's funny. (unconvincingly) Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha.
• After Amy meets an old flame, Teddy:
  Rosa: Who's that guy?
  Amy: Uh, that was Teddy. We went on, like, five dates last year. I liked him, but he was stationed out in Queens, so I never got to see him, and it sort of fizzled out.
  Rosa: Right, that's the guy you said the lame stuff about, like "He's a good listener."
  Amy: I'm sorry, what do you look for in a guy?
  Rosa: I don't know, real stuff. Shape of his ass.
• Rosa decides to use one of the portable ulrasonic weapons they have at Tactical Village on poor Boyle because she's still pissed at him.
  Boyle: Ow! I can taste my thoughts!
• Rosa "accidentally" shoots a net gun at Boyle, as well as a paintball gun. Three times.
• Rosa's plan for dealing with arguments:
  Terry: Talk to him! That's what friends do.
  Rosa: Nope. I'm gonna wait 'til I'm on my deathbed, get in the last word, and then die immediately.
  Terry: That's your plan for dealing with this?
  Rosa: That's my plan for dealing with everything. I have 77 arguments I'm going to win that way. (walks away)
  Terry: (muttering) Seems like a bad plan.
  Rosa: (turns to look at Terry) Now I have 78.
• After Boyle shoots a perp and Rosa tells him why she was pissed off at him:
  Rosa: Hey, thanks for shooting that guy.
  Boyle: Hey, my pleasure.
  "Perp": Your pleasure? This was a human being you just killed. Bill "Perp" had a family.
  (Rosa and Boyle share a look, and then shoot him two times more.)
• After Rosa thanks Vivian for inviting her to her and Charles' wedding:
  Rosa: Look, I'm not really good at this stuff, but thank you for inviting me to your wedding. I'm really happy I could come, and I promise it won't be weird at all.
  Vivian: Yeah, I'm really happy you could come, too, 'cause I didn't think it was gonna happen.
  Rosa: What do you mean?
  Vivian: Well, Chuck told me you were gonna be out of town that weekend, and then, he just told me that your plans changed, so, uh—so yeah, that's great news! Why would it be weird?
  Rosa: Um, it'd be weird 'cause... I'm weird.
  Vivian: Oh.
  Rosa: Whooooooo... I'm leaving.
• "I called my 13-year-old niece for makeup tips, but I don't know if I trust her. She is so sexual."

Fancy Brudgom

• After Diaz finds out that the officer she humiliated for screwing up filing a case filed an official complaint against her:
  Holt: You humiliated Officer Deetmore in front of his peers. He submitted an official complaint against you.
  Diaz: Did he fill it out in crayon?
  Holt: No. But he did use a green pen, which seems crazy to me.
• After Holt tells Diaz to apologize to Deetmore:
  Diaz: Fine. I'm great at apologizing. I'm a very sweet person. (walks out of the office, and while walking out, Hitchcock walks in) Out of my way, chunk! (shoves Hitchcock against the door frame)
• Boyle is a little too open about his sexual history.
  Boyle: Jake, I got to tell ya, the engaged life is amazing, especially sexually.
  Peralta: Well, I don't want to pry.
  Boyle: You're not prying. I want you to know this.
  Peralta: (smiling) No.
  Boyle: Vivian and I have a wonderful intercourse itinerary that we have planned. (waiter brings out cake samples)
  Peralta: Ah, ha! I'm usually more of a chocolate guy, but this one's closer, so I'm gonna do that.
• Gina is the first one to break the diet that she, Terry, and Amy are on, and she breaks the diet by eating a sandwich made up of mac and cheese, chili and pizza.
  Terry: What happened? I thought you were gonna "last forever, bitches!"
  Gina: Turns out I gave up easy. (loudly, to everyone outside the breakroom) You hear that, bitches?! I gave up so easy!
• Jake's reaction to finding out that Charles is planning on retiring and moving to Ottawa with Vivian:
  Jake: Retire? Boyle, we're supposed to die on the force together — me in a big explosion, and you committing suicide at my funeral out of respect!
• Holt's reaction to Diaz's draft of an apology to Officer Deetmore:
  Holt: Detective Diaz, how's your apology to Officer Deetmore coming?
  Diaz: I've been working on a letter to send him.
  Holt: Yes, I saw a draft of it on your desk.
  Diaz: What did you think?
  Holt: It was so horrifying I had to destroy the whole pad.
  (cut to a flashback of Holt holding the flaming notepad while staring at it with a look of disgust)
• Holt and Diaz's "I'm sorry" off.
  Holt: Just go downstairs and apologize.
  Diaz: Fine. I'll say, (sarcastically) "I'm sorry."
  Holt: No, be sincere, like this, "I'm sorry."
  Diaz: (in same tone as Holt) I'm sorry.
  Holt: I'm sorry.
  Diaz: I'm sorry.
  Holt: I'm sorry.
  Diaz: I'm sorry.
  Holt: I'm sorry.
  Diaz: I'm sorry.
  Holt: I'm sorry.
  Diaz: I'm sorry.
  Holt: I'm sorry.
  Diaz: I'm sorry.
  Holt: Good. that's the one.
• Also, the sub-arc with the testicles.
• Amy's hunger-fueled rage at Hitchcock stepping on her almond.
  Hitchcock: (bumps into Amy and the almond flies out of her mouth) I'll get that for you, Ames. (steps on the almond) Whoops, butter feet—sorry about that.
  Santiago: Sorry? You bumbling son of a bitch! You just ruined my life! I hope you get hit by a truck and a dog takes a dump on your face!
  Terry: Nothing to see here, just a little hypoglycemic rage. (laughs nervously) Move along.
  Santiago: (calmer) I'm so sorry, Hitchcock. That's not me. I'm never like that.
  Hitchcock: (relieved) That's okay. It's my fault. I shouldn't have bumped your cashew.
  Santiago: Cashew? It was an almond, you idiot! (Terry picks her up and carries her away) I HOPE YOU DROWN IN A TUB! I HOPE YOU HAVE ANEURYSM AFTER ANEURYSM AFTER ANEURYSM AFTER ANEURYSM!
• After Terry catches Santiago eating a burger and breaking the diet she and Terry were on:
  Terry: Santiago! Stop! It's not too late!
  Santiago: I failed, Sarge. This is my second burger. Okay, I lied, it's my fourth!
• This exchange:
  Terry: It's not a competition. We were on the the same team, until you deserted me for Team Eating Food! (Beat) Was that a good burn? I'm too hungry to tell.
  Santiago: It was a great burn, sir.
• Terry lifts a car to prove that his diet isn't making him weak. He does manage to lift the car, but there are some... consequences.
  Terry: (while holding up the car) See? I'm fine! (stomach gurgles)
  Santiago: What is happening?
  Terry: Just a tummy gurgle. Diet messed up my system. (more gurgles) Oh no. (Terry farts many times) Go back inside! (continues farting)
  Gina: Are you talking to us or the fart?
• Holt is not very up-to-date on pop culture references:
  Holt: Detective Diaz, I gather that once again, things did not go well with Officer Deetmore.
  Diaz: With all due respect, sir, it's how I was trained. You mess up, you get made fun of. It's like a scientist zapping a rat when it messes up in a maze.
  Holt: Oh, I get it. When I was a young officer, I was that rat that got zapped. And all I wanted was to be captain and throw some lightning bolts.
  Diaz: Emperor Palpatine. (holds hand up in a claw shape and makes zapping noises)
  Holt: I do not know who that is.
• Later in that conversation:
  Holt: But a real leader doesn't zap people when they mess up. They teach them how to fix the problem. I think you're a leader. So act like one.
  Diaz: I'll try. I'm sorry.
  Holt: Please, Diaz. No need to make a scene.
• How Peralta gets Boyle to stop walking away and talk to him:
  Peralta: (driving next to Boyle in a police car, talking into the police speaker) Police! Stop walking!
  Boyle: (stops and groans) I hate that I'm so by-the-book!
• Jake trying to get Charles to tell Vivian that he doesn't want to move to Ottawa.
  Boyle: Oh, really? How're gonna stop me?
  Peralta: (shrugs) Baton to the knee.
  Boyle: (mockingly) Baton to the knee.
  (Jake takes out a baton and hits him in the knee.)
• After Diaz apologizes to Officer Deetmore and takes him to the elevator to go upstairs and teach him how to fix his mistake:
  Diaz: Oh, one more sorry. You're about to see a drawing I did of you in the elevator. Just remember, I was really pissed at you at the time. (elevator door opens, and Officer Deetmore stares at the elevator with increasing horror and shock)

Unsolvable

• Holt secretly letting Jake know that he actually hurt his wrist due to taking a hula-hoop class with his husband:
  Holt: [very seriously] Kevin and I attend hula-hooping classes for fitness, and for fun.
  Jake: Oh my God!
  Holt: I've mastered all the moves. [shows Jake pictures on his phone of him hula-hooping] The pizza toss. The tornado. The scorpion. The...oopsie-doodle.
  Jake: [grinning ecstatically] Why are you telling me this?
  Holt: Because no one... will ever believe you. [deletes the pictures]
  Jake: No, no! [Holt smirks triumphantly] You sick son of a bitch.
  • Even better, the way they animate the deletion on Holt's phone screen makes it look like he deleted the entire Photos app.
• "[The perps'] romantic advice is not great. It's always to tell Vivian, 'Bitch, get your life right!' I tried it. She did not like it."
• "I am a rock. I am an island. I... have lapsed into song lyrics again."
• One perp's explanation for how he ended up at the hospital, according to Jake:
  Jake: All right, Frank, let's recap, shall we? You slipped and fell onto a shiv, then you got up and fell backwards onto another shiv, and finally, one last shiv fell from the ceiling and into your body. I'm gonna go out on a limb here: I think you got shivved.
• Scully and Hitchcock turning into actually good detectives but only to find out from Boyle where the secret bathroom in the precinct is.
• After Amy confesses that she lied about having a dental emergency:
  Amy: I may be a liar, but I've got great teeth and no one can take that away from me.
  Dentist: Have you heard of "over-brushing"?
  Amy: Oh no.
  Dentist: Your aggressive technique has stripped away the protective enamel and much of your gum. You have seven cavities. (Amy stares at him in shock)
  Holt: I have to say... I feel like you deserve this.
• Jake testing the lie detector:
  Terry: Is Jay Z really your favorite artist?
  Jake: Yes, obviously.
  Lie detector operator: Lie.
  Jake: (scoffs) See? It's busted!
  Terry: Is it? Or is your favorite artist really Taylor Swift?
  Jake: (scoffs) No.
  Lie detector operator: Lie.
  Jake: All right, fine. She is. (quietly) She makes me feel things.
  Terry: SHE MAKES ALL OF US FEEL THINGS!
• When explaining why he decided to take the toughest case they had:
  Jake: Because a real man doesn't run from a challenge! I mean, do they run from the bulls in Pamplona?
  Terry: Yeah. That's the whole point of it.
• After spending the night working the case:
  Jake: I have not slept in, since I last saw you, many hours. Plus I think I'm hallucinating because I'm pretty sure I just heard your biceps mocking me.
  Terry: No, that's possible. My biceps mock a lot of people.
• Jake decides to take on the most difficult case on file- the mysterious death of someone out at sea, which he suspects wasn't accidental. He eventually gets the perpetrator to confess.
  Jake: I'm telling my friend how you killed that guy.
  Suspect: It was for love!
  Jake: Cool motive. Still murder.

Charges and Specs

• How Holt ended an eight year relationship:
  Holt: This is the best possible option for both of us.
  Holt's ex: Agreed.
  Holt: Take care. (shakes his hand)
• How Amy tells Holt that she thinks he's wrong about Wint:
  Amy: Sir, I am Amy Santiago, and I have something to say. I think you're wrong. (Jake stares, shocked) I think Detective Peralta is onto something, and you should let him pursue it. I'm Amy Santiago and I'm done talking.
• After Jake is put on administrative leave for continuing to pursue the Wint case:
  Holt: Commissioner Podolski is bringing you up on charges and specs. You're facing a six-month suspension, and you're on administrative leave until the hearing. Now get out of my office.
  Jake: Fine. Here's my gun and my badge.
  Holt: I don't need those, you're not suspended yet. You're on administrative leave.
  Jake: YOU NEVER LET ME DO ANYTHING COOL!
• What Rosa does when she's upset:
  Rosa: There's this thing I do whenever I... feel.
  Charles: What?
  Rosa: Burn. Everything.
• Captain Holt charming a female judge.
  Holt: Captain Raymond Holt. Whassup?
  • Jake's expression just kills it.
• Terry got his heart broken in Japan by a girl named Chiaki:
  Chiaki: (in Japanese) Sorry, I thought you knew this was just a fling.
  Terry: (in Japanese) Terry came here to study Japanese, but all he learned was heartbreak!
• Charles tries to follow Terry's advice and vent his feelings by smashing a plate onto the ground, but it bounces up and hits him in the groin.
  Charles: OW! MY TESTICLES!
• Gina has decided to add to her repertoire:
  Gina: The English language cannot fully capture the depth and complexity of my thoughts, so I'm incorporating emoji into my speech to better express myself. Winky face.
• Jake's dancing in the thrift store fitting room.
  Holt: Jake. The overwhelming time pressure.
  Jake: Yup.
• In order to stall the courtroom proceedings to give Jake, Amy, and Holt more time to find evidence against Wint, Boyle engages in extended Wangsting over his recent break-up with his fiancée, Diaz spaces out her syllables by several seconds, and Gina bombards the panel with Emoji-speak.
• "YOU CAN'T HANDLE THE ME!"
• Jake pretending to call everyone names to sell the lie that he really got fired:
  Jake: And your mother! And your mother! You're all a bunch of pigs! I smell bacon! And guess what else, "Captain"? You can take this tie, and shove it straight into your hellhole! (tosses tie at Holt) This whole place reeks of bacon. And guess what? I'm going kosher. 'CAUSE JAKEY DON'T DIG ON SWINE! (kicks a trash can) WHOO!
• At the end of the episode, we see a shot of Boyle in a bed. The camera pans over to reveal his bedmate... and it's Gina. Cue both Boyle and Gina screaming in horror.