A Character Sheet for The Bard's Tale. Do not confuse with The Bard's Tale Trilogy or The Bard's Tale IV. There will be unmarked spoilers, watch out.

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Main Characters

The Bard

A snarky, vile, sardonic and opportunistic musician voiced by Cary Elwes, this nameless adventurer would rather indulge in his quest for cleavage, coin, wine and songs rather than actually embark on an heroic quest, using his Rat Summon to get a free meal in inns and taverns for a living. After encountering a mysterious old man, he's dragged into a quest for saving the fair Princess Caleigh, which involves fighting hordes of fanatics,undead and monsters and royally screwing several things up along the way.

All Men Are Perverts: What really motivates his wish to rescue Caleigh? She promised sex. Lots of sex.
Anti-Hero: A jerkass, womanizer, cynical piece of work. Deconstructed in the Evil ending, since the Bard really has no motivation for stopping Caleigh and can enjoy his life with his demonic bride while the world burns.
Armor Is Useless: His "armor" is essentially a shirt with a metallic pauldron. The ultimate one adds an arm guard and some leg protection, but that's it.
Asshole Victim: He's on the receiving end of misfortune, attacks and insults, but let's face it, he deserves it!
Butt-Monkey: He's such a jerkass you can enjoy his bad luck.
The Chosen One: He vehemently denies being one, but the truth is, he's seemingly the One with the capital O. Turns out, he's one of the many, they just sucked.
Crouching Moron, Hidden Badass: In spite of all his faults and idiocy, the Bard still manages to pretty much kill any enemy in his way.
Deadpan Snarker: Right at the beginning he reclaims the right to do the "sarcastic patronizing" from the Narrator.
Destructive Saviour: For every seal that he breaks, more disasters strike the land. Subverted, he's not saving anything, except for his own ass, and only unwillingly saves the world in the Good Ending by getting caught in a fight against Caleigh inside her prison.
Elemental Powers: Aside from his elemental songs and amulets, he can channel elemental attacks through his weapon: Fire through the Bow, Lightning through the Two-handed weapons, sonic blasts with the Flail, venom with the Dagger and finally Magic blasts with the one-handed sword.
Enemy Mine: In the Good Ending, he ultimately has enough of Caleigh's promises and sides with Fionnaoch.
Exposed to the Elements: A plot point in the Mountain Pass, where the winds are so cold he cannot progress without Gower's potion.
Genre Savvy: He's pretty much aware of how the world he's in rolls.
Here We Go Again!: In the Good Ending, after killing Caleigh and saving the World he just walks out of Fionnaoch's tower and resume his vagrant life, using the summoned rat for his usual tricks.
Horny Bard: He's a minstrel who's motivation is for coin and cleavage. Need we say more?
I Resemble That Remark!: When Bobd tell him about the "idiot" who released the Nuckelavee which destroyed Kirkwall, the Bard meekly states that idiot may be "too strong".
Jerkass: An all around sexist, braggart, liar, swindler and rude to pretty much everyone. He does have a tinge of Jerk with a Heart of Gold, though, being able to fake pleasantries and growing genuinely affectionate to the pet dog that follows him.
Love Makes You Dumb: Deconstructed , he's so affected with the idea of sleeping with Caleigh that he doesn't even stop for a second to reconsider everything.
Magic Music: He can use lutes, harps, flutes or other instruments to summon creatures or heroes to fight for him. He can also use special stones with Talismans to summon Caleigh or previously met bosses to attack his enemies.
Monster Protection Racket: Downplayed example, he uses a summoned rat to scare innmaids and get a reward for "banishing it".
Multi-Melee Master: Starts the game with a sword, but gradually learns to use dirks, bows, flails, claymores and axes.
Nice Job Breaking It, Hero: Basically his entire modus operandi: doing a favor to a Trow? He set free a dangerous rogue and now he has to catch him again to enter Houton. Kill a horse to get a bell? Accidentally summon a Nuckelavee which razes an entire city to the ground. Open an ancient gate? releases a Dragon which then razes a city to the ground, allowing the Vikings to invade it. Killing the three Guardians? They were keeping the demonic Caleigh sealed!
Nightmare Fetishist: Even after seing Caleigh turning from a fair blonde maiden to a tall, faun-like she-devil with Femme Fatalons and horns, he's still aroused by her.
No Fourth Wall: Sometimes he bickers with the Narrator, much to everyone else's confusion.
No Name Given: As far as we're concerned, the Bard is also his name.
Perma-Stubble: He's a short, shaggy stubble for a beard.
Pet the Dog: He can be genuinely nice to the little dog following him. And even cries when the dog is crushed by the Pet.
Politically Incorrect Hero: A sexist through and through, this comes to his help in the Good ending, to rebuke Caleigh's offer.
The Power of Rock: Using the Shadow Axe allows him to summon his minions with a rock motif in his music.
Summon Magic: He can summon up to 4 creatures with his magical instruments.
Tranquil Fury: When the Druid Macknay uses the Pet to kill the dog, the Bard's calm threat sounds genuinely pissed about it.
Screw This, I'm Outta Here: In the Neutral ending the Bard had enough of the whole story and leaves Fionnaoch and Caleigh to their squabbles, going to town and partying with some zombies.

The Narrator

An unseen and sarcastic man voiced by Tony Jay who, much to his displeasure, has to narrate the events of the Bard's adventure, unlike the Bard he seems to be lacking in savviness when it comes to fantasy tropes, but he's an even bigger snarker than him.

Deadpan Snarker: Even much more than the Bard himself, this extend not only to the in-game events but also to the description of tokens and summons.
Genre Blind: He seems quite shocked at hearing certain tropes common to fantasy games, such as the concept of Money Spider.
Lemony Narrator: He'd rather read a classical fairy tale or narrate the tales of an actual hero, rather than being stuck with the Bard. After the end credits, he even begs the player to not let him read about that jerkass again.
Teeth-Clenched Teamwork: Clearly he's not very happy about having to work with the Bard, and loves to snark at him at the drop of an hat.
What the Hell, Hero?: Calls out the Bard on some of his more questionable deeds.

The Summons

Utility Summons

A series of summons which are usually needed to perform a specific task: the Common Rat/Vorpal Rat, the Light Fairy, the Explorer and the Gouger.

Cool Old Guy: The Explorer is a wizened old man, expert in pathfinding and trapfinding.
Eldritch Abomination: The Gouger is described in these terms, looking like an oversized, spiked mosquito-thing, which can leech lifeforce.
Glass Cannon: The Vorpal Rat deals 110 damage per attack, which is enough to smash even the sturdiest enemies into paste.
Lethal Joke Character: The Vorpal Rat has abysmal health, but his leap attack deals absurd damage and can one-shot the Clockwork Knights with one go.
Life Drain: Gouger's ability. Unusually, he can heal others, but not himself.
Light 'em Up: The Light Fairy can light dark places and blind enemies with flashes of light.
Made of Iron: The Explorer can damage traps by activating them with his very body.
Non-Action Guy: While the Vorpal Rat and Gouger can fight, only the Vorpal Rat is really good for fighting.
Our Fairies Are Different: The Light Fairy is a lightbug-like sprite with a humanoid head and a loud, harsh voice.
Servile Snarker: The Explorer will often snark at the Bard if he's damaged by a trap.
Unstoppable Rage: The Vorpal Rat is described, even by the Lemony Narrator, as having the worst temper of any rodent ever seen, The Bard included.
Vocal Dissonance: The Light Fairy sounds like a massive vulgar man.

Elemental Summons

Summons using the powers of the elements to aid the Bard in combat, they consist in the Lightning Spider, the Elemental, the Knocker and the Behemoth.

Chain Lightning: The Lightning Spider's melee attack, and later the Knocker's powers.
Dumb Muscle: Aside from the Knocker, all the others are speechless.
Elemental Embodiment: Played straight with the Lightning Spider and the Elemental. Knocker is a blue pixie-like creatures using lightning javelins, while Behemoth is a Skeletal being which can breathe fire and cover itself in flames.
Incendiary Exponent: The Behemoth sets himself ablaze before performing his devastating, explosive charge attack.
Javelin Thrower: The Knocker attacks with javelins that serves as Lightning Rods to fry his enemies to ashes.
Karmic Death: Given the incredibly annoying and utterly pointless Fetch Quest the Fox Brothers put the Bard through to get the Knocker summon, if you summon him immediately you'll get a special cutscene of him kicking around and killing them.
Lightning/Fire Juxtaposition: They all use either fire or lightning, two of them in melee, two of them ranged.
Our Elves Are Different: The game doesn't have proper elves, but the small, fair folkish Knocker may be one.

Fighting Summons

Humanoid summons who can fight alongside the Bard in either melee quarters or from a distance: the Heroine, the Mercenary, the Knight and the Brute.

Action Girl: The Heroine is worth any normal man. Or ten men of the Bard's kind.
Automatic Crossbow: The Heroine wields one which allows her to attack with a stream of arrows.
Casanova Wannabe: The Mercenary is even worse than the Bard, and can be heard making a crude come on on a random woman in Kirkwall.
Chainmail Bikini: Downplayed, the Heroine's armor is still not very practical.
Dumb Muscle: Aside from the Heroine, they all fits the criteria in one way or the other.
Fat Bastard: The Mercenary is rather portly under his armor. Averted with the Brute, he's more of a Fat Idiot or Big Guy.
Friendly Sniper: The Heroine with a crossbow. The Brute, surprisingly enough, pull this with a boulder.
Glass Cannon: Aside from the Knight, they're lacking in defense.
Knight in Shining Armor: The Knight is huge, wears platemail armor from head to toe, brandishes a sword and a shield and is determinated to rescue Caleigh.
Large Ham: The Knight frequently taunts his opponents after defeating them.
Mighty Glacier: The Knight is slower but he's also the most endurable of the summons.
Rock Beats Laser: For being a huge oaf who can only lob stones and boulders, can hit and stun multiple enemies and is surprisingly effective at dealing with many opponents from a safe distance.

Support Summons

Humanoid summons who can help the Bard in indirect ways providing combat support, healing, buffs or protection: The Hag, the Bodyguard, the Rogue and the Enchantress all belong to this category.

Apologetic Attacker: The Bodyguard apologises as he punches enemies.
Back from the Dead: The Enchantress' unique power allows her to resurrect any fallen summon after a while.
Dark Action Girl: The Rogue is this compared to all the other female summons.
Distracted by the Sexy: The Rogue can use this to distract enemies from attacking the Bard and focusing on her.
Dual Wielding: The Rogue fights with two dirks. Upon being upgraded, her dirks glow with green energy.
Dumb Muscle: The Bodyguard is durable but far from bright.
Face of a Thug: Lampshaded with the Hag: she may look hideous, but is one of the good guys and specializes in healing and curses.
Healer Signs On Early: The Hag is the third summon you get.
Luckily, My Shield Will Protect Me: Parodied with the Bodyguard: he's tasked with defending the Bard with his life, but his defenses hinge on a ridiculously small buckler. When Upgraded he wields a bigger shield which can also block magic.
Stone Wall: The Bodyguard is a Tank: can receive most punishment and even force enemies to focus on him from a distance.
White Magician Girl: The Hag can heal your allies and eventually put curses on enemies.

Friends and Foes

Princess Caleigh (UNMARKED ENDGAME SPOILERS)

Princess Caleigh

A fair and beautiful princess, sealed away in a tower by the evil sorcerer Fionnaoch, she's imprisoned in a special stone and can only be released by destroying the fires on the Three Towers standing in the land, she's promised riches and sex to the Bard if he rescues her. Little the Bard knows that she's actually an evil Demon who longs to be fred. In the "Evil" ending, the Bard releases her and rules the ruined world as her consort.

Bad Boss: She does a 180° turn in the Good Ending, threatening to kill the Bard for insulting her and refusing to complete the job. Also, she doesn't give a crap for the dozens of Chosen One who died along the way.
Big Good: A fair, good-hearted princess imprisoned in a tower by a cruel sorcerer that you must rescue... or not, she's actually a monstrous demon who wants to turn the world into a crappy, undead-infested wasteland, meaning she's in truth the Big Bad.
Big Red Devil: Her true form: she grows horns, taloned hands, goat-like legs with hooves and a lion-like tail.
Blatant Lies: When she claims that she can cover the Bard in riches, which, as the latter points out, she couldn't possibly have if she's imprisoned. Also, when Fionnaoch finally decides to drop the bomb and tell the Bard everything.
Damsel in Distress: She's sealed inside the Tower of the druid Fionnaoch in Doubny. You need to destroy the three towers in order to weaken the seal.
Evil All Along: Demon Princess Caleigh. As the seal on her prison weakens, the world sinks further and further into a Death World with undead monstrosities and other strange abominations wandering about and causing trouble for The Bard. She claims that it's Fionnaoch's fault, but the reality is that she just wants him dead to undo the last seal on her prison, so she can rule the world. That said she does honor her end of the agreement with The Bard and the two end up ruling the world together, though all The Bard cares about is the sex.
Final Boss: Of the "Good Ending". the Bard, fed up with her moving the goal further and further, tells her off but he's tricked into getting close enough and falling in her prison, where he must kill her.
Final Boss, New Dimension: She fights in her prison, which looks like a mass of entrail-like roots in a crinsom abyss with cartoon hearts floating down the sky.
Hoist by His Own Petard: Due to the dead rising after the weakening of her seal, her own servants are hindered as well.
Holding Out for a Hero: Not only the Bard, but also an entire batch of young, moronic "Chosen Ones" and a cult trying to release her.
I Gave My Word: Despite leading the Bard along under the guise of a dainty distressed princess, when she promised him that she'd give him all the riches and sex he wanted if he freed her, she meant every word of it, as shown in the "Bad Ending" where she enacts a We Can Rule Together scenario through which she rules the world and he satisfies his desires with her.
Ms. Fanservice: A plot point, she's so beautiful the Bard and an entire cult are trying to rescue her, in the former's case with the promise of sex. Even in her demon form, the Bards deem her attractive enough.
Sealed Good in a Can: She and her cult claims so. She was actually a Sealed Evil in a Can from 1000 years ago.
The Vamp: Despite being a princess, she's quick to resort to seduction to get the Bard going. She can also control and dismiss any male summon you employ.
Weaksauce Weakness: Her powers do not work on female summons.

Fionnaoch (UNMARKED ENDGAME SPOILERS)

Fionnaoch

The sinister leader of an order of Druids bent on keeping anyone from releasing Caleigh, he summons the various guardians to protect the fires. He's actually a good-hearted Druid who knows that Caleigh's a Demon and that she must stay sealed.

Bald of Evil: The complete lack of a single strand of hair on his head provides a strongly sinister image
Big Bad: The one who imprisoned Caleigh and commands the Guardians of the three towers. Turns out to be subverted, and he's actually a case of Big Good combined with Good Is Not Nice.
Evil Sorcerer: He's a sinister druid trying to stop Chosen Ones from freeing Caleigh, but the "evil" part turns out to be false, with him just being a Knight Templar engaging in Poor Communication Kills through his efforts to keep the villainous Calleigh sealed.
Face of a Thug: He seems to be your typical Evil Sorcerer, but he's in fact actually trying to stop the inevitable chaos that would follow the Demon Princess Caleigh's freedom. Fittingly enough, if you ask The Crone, herself a case of monstrous looks but good character, for advice at this point, she notes how looks can be deceiving and suggests siding with Fionnaoch.
Final Boss: He becomes the last major enemy in the Evil Ending.
Genre Savvy: He doesn't underestimate the Bard, and actually sends hordes of Druids to reinforce the Towers, and even orders his men to seal shut the Island Tower to imprison the Bard inside.
Knight Templar: He's not evil, just iron-determinated to make sure noone releases Caleigh.
Large and in Charge: He' s the leader of the druids, and towers over the Bard himself.
Polite Villains, Rude Heroes: Despite having all the reasons to despise the Bard, he's probably the only one in game who's actually corteous and kind to him. The Bard, on the other hand, is rude and patronizing.
Poor Communication Kills: Had he or his men told the Bard about Caleigh sooner, the game would have been a good deal shorter.
Villainous Valor: His dialogue with Mannanan has him worrying for Mannanan safety and swearing to avenge him should he fail.
Well-Intentioned Extremist: He and his druid are willing to kill anyone who could be a threat to Caleigh's imprisonment.

Herne

The Guardian of the Forest Tower, a towering being made of wood and roots who can manipulate vegetation.

Arrogant Kung-Fu Guy: He doesn't seem to take the Bard seriously, but still carry on orders.
Enemy Summoner: He can spread seeds on the ground to spawn flower monsters.
"Get Back Here!" Boss: Herne teleports across the tree stumps in the arena.
Green Thumb: He can manipulate vegetation such as roots, pollen and seeds.
MacGuffin Guardian: Of the Forest Tower's Flame.
Poisonous Person: One of his powers spread venomous pollen and can insta-kill certain enemies.
Villainous Valor: Bothers to ask the Bard to leave the Tower while he still can.
Warm-Up Boss: He's the easiest of the three guardians, and has the less health of the bosses.
When Trees Attack: A massive arboreal-looking man whose lower body descends into the earth.

Lugh

The Guardian of the Mountain Tower, a massive iron-clad warrior who enjoys batte and can manipulate weapons.

Ancient Grome: He looks like an ancient greco-roman warrior.
Blade Below the Shoulder: His right gauntlet include a short gladium blade protunding from it.
Blood Knight: He's eager to butcher the Bard, the first thing you run into his tower is an arena and mostly employs physical warriors and traps. He's so obnoxious about it that not even Fioannaoch can bear him.
The Brute: He's the most physical-oriented of the Guardians.
King Mook: He's this to the Clockwork Knights and Centurions.
MacGuffin Guardian: Of the second Fire in the Mountain Tower.
Mighty Glacier: He's slow but powerful and with lots of health.
Reverse Shrapnel: His Aura of War results in a circle of axes floating around Lugh and hacking everything in his way. When the Bard uses the Amulet to replicate this power he can add to the effect shooting gladii and falling spears to the lot.
Worthy Opponent: After the Bard has reached the top of the Tower, Lugh shows genuine respect for his skill and treat him like a worthy adversary.

Mannanan

The Guardian of the Island Tower, a crystal-embossed elemental with power over fire and storms.

Achilles' Heel: Due to his massive frame and his tendency to disappear after a few attacks and parry, using a Flail or a Bow can be quite effective against him.
Baritone of Strength: He's probably the strongest of the Guardians, and has a deep, guttural voice to match.
Death from Above: His deadly and unpredictable fire meteor attack.
Elemental Powers: He has a full set of powers and even his tower is themed after them:
- Blow You Away: He moves around inside a whirlwind and can turn into a lightning-spitting tornado to chase down the Bard. Represents the second floor, infested by invisible enemies.
- Shock and Awe: Referred to as the Earth power, he can cast lightning. Referred to the first floor, made of crystals and stone with stone creatures as enemies.
- Playing with Fire: His deadliest power, a rain of fire meteors. The third floor is full of flames, falling ash and fire enemies.
"Get Back Here!" Boss: After sustaining a few attacks, Mannanan will disappear and unleash a devastating elemental attack before reappearing somewhere else on the battlefield. Rinse and repeat.
Glass Cannon: Compared to the other bosses, he doesn't have a crapload of health, but his battle technique described above makes him capable of dealing tons of damage in battle.
Power Floats: Justifies, since he doesn't have a lower body, only a set of crystal spikes in lieu of his abdomen.
Rock Monster: Essentially he's a giant one with crystal studs all over his body.
Villainous Valor: He's ready to give his life for the cause and asks Fionnaoch to avenge him should things go wrong.

The Bobds

A group of five mutilated brothers from Kirkwall, they're part of the cult which aims at freeing Caleigh from her prison and enlist the Bard's help.

Almost Dead Guy: Parodied to the point of Overly Long Gag with (one of the) Bobds in Kirkwall, during the Nuckelavee's onslaught.
An Arm and a Leg: The brothers all have missing limbs in various fashions involving peglegs or Hook Hand. According to them, it happened when they tried to rescue Caleigh themselves.
Butt-Monkey: They're a ridiculous, pathetic bunch who's bullied by the Bard and failed to properly summon Caleigh the first time because one of them lost the required artifact on a bet!
Magic Music: They can use a minor variation to summon Caleigh with (horrendously off-tune) singing.
Running Gag: Their numbers and the fact that they're all named Bobd, except for the last one (who the Bard, in a fit of contemtuous rage, christens "Homely"). Lampshaded when you mention them at plural to the farmer, who asks "Wait, there's more than one?"
Too Dumb to Live: They're... not exactly the best resource Caleigh has to use. Special mention to the Bobd who stays in Kirkwall in spite of the rampaging skeletons and Nuckelavee.

MacRath

A Scot nobleman who possesses the Shadow Axe and is an ally of the Bard. Too bad he speaks only in strict scottish dialect, which means that both the Bard and the Narrator cannot understand a word of what he says.

Acrofatic: In spite of his girth, he can run pretty fast.
Escort Mission: After rescuing him from the Nuckelavee, you have to escort him out of the Greenlands to Doubny then back to his castle to gain access to the Dungeon. Fortunately, he's a milder example of this trope, as he seems to be good at avoiding damage.
Funetik Aksent: His dialect is thick enough that, even though many other characters in the game have relatively obscure regional British accents of their own, it's the only one that's transcribed phonetically in the game's subtitles.
MacGuffin Guardian: He was supposed to guard the Shadow Axe, but when the Nuckelavee and the living dead came knocking, he was forced to flee.
Obnoxious In-Laws: Upon guiding the Bard to the zombie-infested ruins of his castle, MacRath jokingly remarks that it was tough enough killing his mother-in-law the first time around. Of course, MacRath's accent being as impenetrable as it is, this is lost on the Bard.
MacRath: Ah kent it was a bad sign when the deid began tae rise frae their grae, especially mah mammy in law. It was toogh enaw killin' 'er tha first time. Ha ha!
The Bard: I wish I knew what the hell you were saying.
The Narrator: I don't even know what he's saying.
Unintelligible Accent: He has an incredibly thick Scottish accent and only speaks old Scottish dialect, which combined makes him completely incomprehensible to almost everyone (including the Narrator), with only Dugan able to translate his speech.

The Nuckelavee

A monstrous creature from Orkney's Folklore, was sealed away under a circle of stone, but is accidentally unleashed by the Bard.

Blade Below the Shoulder: He has massive bone spikes in lieu of arms. Even the songs acknowledges this.
Chekhov's Gunman: He reappears as a plot-relevant boss much later in the story.
The Dreaded: He razed an entire city to the ground and news of his arrival throw men in fear even in the fortified Doubny.
Evil Is Visceral: He looks like he has been skinned alive, per folklore.
Fragile Speedster: In his boss fight he runs around the plain, stopping only to prepare a devastating charge.
"Get Back Here!" Boss: Takes advantage of his high mobility to move around a lot.
Giant Space Flea From No Where: Ok, the stone circle looked ominous, but there were no warnings about the monster sealed underneath.
Sealed Evil in a Can: Was sealed under a stone circle in Kirkwall. Said seal was undone when the Bard killed the Mare inside the circle and the snuffed the Forest Tower's flame.
The Unfought: In his first appearence.
"The Villain Sucks" Song: The Tale of the Nuckelavee, which sings about the beast's terrible deeds and condemns the idiot who set it free.
Nuckelavee, oh Nuckelavee,
You're big and evil and heinous!
Who could it be that set you free?
He really must be an anus!

Characters / The Bard's Tale

Main Characters

The Bard

The Narrator

The Summons

Utility Summons

Elemental Summons

Fighting Summons

Support Summons

Friends and Foes

Princess Caleigh

Fionnaoch

Herne

Lugh

Mannanan

The Bobds

MacRath

The Nuckelavee

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Characters / The Bard's Tale

Edit Locked

Main Characters

The Bard

The Narrator

The Summons

Utility Summons

Elemental Summons

Fighting Summons

Support Summons

Friends and Foes

Princess Caleigh

Fionnaoch

Herne

Lugh

Mannanan

The Bobds

MacRath

The Nuckelavee

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Index

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