Corrupt-a-wish.

Granted. 4Kids does instead, and it’s about 30x worse.

I wish to be able to play any song on the piano after hearing it just once.

Granted. It only works for songs you've heard exactly once, though - if you hear a song a second time, you immediately forget how to play it.

I wish for the perfect cup of tea.

Granted. It's so perfect that you start Going Cold Turkey if you stop having it.

I wish I could sleep well every night.

Granted. You will now sleep every night, and every day, until the end of time. For you have been granted the sleep.... OF DEATH!

I wish for the Acorn Archimedes to be the main computer in use all over the world.

Edited by TheLyniezian on Apr 11th 2021 at 5:34:15 PM

Granted. Everybody is rendered Brainwashed and Crazy by Edutainment games which are secretly Brown Notes.

I wish I did not have a headache.

Edited by clemont107 on Apr 12th 2021 at 7:16:46 AM

You don't have a headache, but we had to remove some pretty crucial parts of your brain to do so.

I wish I could animate.

Granted, inanimate objects around you suddenly become Animate Inanimate Objects. As they experience existential crises over the nature of their existence, they end up teaming up against you in hopes that making you inanimate might return to their original form.

I wish up up down down left right left right b a start.

Edited by DeepFiemott on Apr 12th 2021 at 6:42:44 AM

Whoops! You were playing Gradius III when you entered the code, so your ship is destroyed.

I wish pimping was easy.

Edited by WillyFourEyes on Apr 12th 2021 at 10:17:44 AM

Inputting the Konami Code actually caused your game to soft reset, and since you haven't saved in four hours... well, there goes all of your progress. And just before the final boss, too...

Pimpin will never be easy. Can't help you there, bud.

I wish my dad had a new car.

Edited by Pogakure on Apr 12th 2021 at 10:21:07 AM

Granted, he won it because he was the 100,000,000th visitor to some website. The 100,000,001th visitor to said website finds out about your dad's car and goes on a successful and very destructive Roaring Rampage of Revenge.

I wish I had a power glove.

Granted, it doesn’t work.

I wish to get a haircut.

Granted. You’re given cutting-edge Prehensile Hair which slice through anything you come into contact with.

I wish to partake in Hanna-Barbera’s Wacky Races.

Edited by Taurus-the-Tinker-Bull on Apr 13th 2021 at 10:35:18 AM

Granted, when Dick Dastardly Stops to Cheat, you can't help but lampshade that fact in earshot of him, making him suddenly realize it's a dumb decision to cheat and he starts playing fair. He ends up winning the race, which unfortunately changes the status quo enough that the fictional universe caves in on itself with you inside it.

I wish all genies had legs.

Granted. You can't get yours back into the bottle, and your lamp is now useless.

I wish I could Eat the Rich and take their money.

Edited by WillyFourEyes on Apr 13th 2021 at 5:03:23 AM

Granted. Now you are rich, and have become your own target.

I wish I could take a Squip like in Be More Chill. But not the evil musical one. The functional one from the book.

Granted. It ends up getting forcibly re-programmed by Skynet, and kills you.

I wish I had a long attention span.

Granted. You pay attention to tvtropes for so long, you forget to eat or drink.

I wish for Excalibur.

Edited by Arcane101 on Apr 15th 2021 at 9:03:08 AM

Granted, the line between reality and RuneScape fades away and you now possess RuneScape's Excalibur, which is a fairly low level weapon that requires Level 20 Attack, which you don't have IRL. Unfortunately, with the collapse of separate realities, Random Events happen in real life and the Evil Chicken kills you while you sleep. You respawn in Cambridge with only your 3 most valuable items, which, owing to the large amount of people across the world dying from RuneScape monsters and respawning there, is now an overcrowded slum. Shortly after, the realities become separate again and you end up starving to death in the crowd, for keeps this time.

I wish that, if you died, you could respawn anywhere of your choice with only your 3 most valuable items you are carrying (things stored elsewhere are safe).

You want me in particular to be able to respawn on death? Granted! I get all the perks and no downsides while no one else gets anything. Thanks a lot!

I wish to be able to create or destroy water at will.

Granted. You end up in an argument with one of your friends and in a rage summon a flood that wipes out the entire town. The survivors charge you with mass murder and sentence you to death.

I wish Pokémon Brilliant Diamond and Shining Pearl did not feature an unrealistic chibi art-style.

Granted. Just as many people hate the regular artstyle.

I wish that everything blue was red and vice versa.

Granted, it has Uncanny Valley realistic graphics.

I wish to lose weight.

Granted. You are sent to Mercury, where you weigh less due to the reduced gravitational pull on you. Hope you like scorching-hot days, freezing nights and no atmosphere to speak of!

I wish to be a pirate.

Granted. You are convicted of front-running an underground dark web torrent site, with a million-dollar fine to boot.

I wish for a box of Trix.

Edited by Taurus-the-Tinker-Bull on Apr 15th 2021 at 10:43:32 AM

Granted. Before you can eat any of it, however, the Trix rabbit steals the box, and you are forced to go on a days-long adventure to retrieve it. By the time you get it back, he’s eaten all the cereal inside.

I wish for a genie who will grant my wishes as I intend them.