Your Funniest Tabletop Story

Come on, I'm amazed this forum lasted this long without this topic. If you play Dn D or an equivalent, what's the best story you have? Is it a Total Party Kill? Silliness once you went Off the Rails? Did you manage to pull off a really impressive character death where you took most of a city with you? Did someone at the table do something so stupid that everyone else spent three Beat Panels looking at them funny (wait, scratch that last part).

Sadly, I don't have one to start us off. But dammit if we're gonna have this forum and not this topic.

Your funny quote here! (Maybe)

Well, I posted this on the Funny Anecdotes thread, but "Once Again, The Day Was Saved, Thanks To Booze And Porn" would probably take a healthy slice of the cake.

Basicaly, there was this boy who could create life in his dreams, he just didn't know it. his big brother dragged him to a local film festival (to laugh at his expense), and every night he'd have nigtmares of things in the movie. First night it was Zombies from Night of the Dead (we droped some of them from one kilometers height with teleport portals, and I squashed a dozen of them with a bus, after complaining how underpowered my character was).

Next night, it was a Predator, from the first Predator movie. I allmost had half my body blown away by the laser (I transmuted to moving brick, bit like The Thing from Fantastic Four, but I could transform back), we spalttered it with pink paint, shortcircuiting the chameleon chip, and then dropped it down from a apartment block, and stripped it off from its equipment. Andreas: Can we keep the nuke? Jim (the DM): Only if you have enough Hero Points for it. (Hero Points are what you buy skills and equipment with in Hero, you get 150 of them to start, and about 2-3 of them per session) Andreas: So, how much would it be? Jim: Ah! *digs up the equipment book* He then reads us the damage rolls for a thermo-nuclear bomb, and all the other stats, and then lays down the price. Jim: 3660* Hero points. So yes, you can keep it, as long as you can tell me where you are going to get the points.

• I'm not sure of the amount of points, but it was over two thousand (not over nine thousand, at least), and way out of our league.

Well, it soon became a non-issue, as it just dissapeared next morning (after we had long debated on plans with what to do with it). So, we had gathered, allready at the first night, that the festival was somehow the cause of all this, so we decided to steal the reels (Nightmare On Elm Street this night). The teleporter (Andreas) took the reels, teleported outside the town (Atlanta, Georgia, as it happens), burned the reels, peed on the ashes (he was bit like that...), and buried them. No monsters appear that night.

Next day, it would be Matrix. We try to steal the reels, but they put up a decoy and a camera, but we manage to avoid getting caught. Instead, we watched during the show, if we could find anything suspicious. We see the kid and his brother, and follow them into the suburbs. As night falls, Neo pops up. We fight him (crashing a car through a house roof in the process), one of the guys flies thirty yards and stuff, but we manage to beat him. We knock on the kids window, and hide. As he wakes up, Neo dissapears.

So, next day, we try to convince the organisers of the festival to call off the last movie, Godzilla (Jim had the monster stat sheets for it ready, and looked positively evil when looking at them). One of the organisers also had superpowers (he was the character of a player that quit earlier). We negotiated, and they didn't want to stop the festival, because they needed the money. So, if the mountain won't stay away from Muhammed, Muhammed must be kept from the mountain. One of the guys, Jens, I think, comes up with an ingenius plan; lets plant porn and booze in the big brothers room. We do so, and yes, the day was saved, thanks to Booze and Porn.

the statement above is false

Oh man, you had me going the whole time thinking you were gonna switch the reels. . .

Your funny quote here! (Maybe)

"He's an odd fellow. He's a bit inspired in the mind." " 'Inspired in the mind.' He just called you nuts!"

It's time to put some context to that. In a D&D game, I was part of a five-man party (not a Five-Man Band). It was gestalt, so each of us was playing a super-character with two classes. I was playing the Paladin/Ranger trying for Exalted (in essence, not being a dick and emphasizing "Good" over "Lawful" where applicable), so I was all kinds of awesome. At some point the guy playing the halfling rogue/something-or-other (I can't remember) decided he wanted to play something else, but the DM wouldn't let him switch classes or make a new character unless his current one died. So, in a metagaming stint that goes against all of roleplaying, he tried to commit suicide by setting fire to an inn while he was still in it. We rescued him (since we were in character, damn it) from the fire, but the inn still burned down and the authorities took him into custody. Since I had the highest Charisma (and was all kinds of awesome), I was made to be the defense attorney at his trial. I told the jury (because this medieval land had a justice system surprisingly like our own) that "he's a bit inspired in the mind" as a polite way of using the insanity defense (which, when you think about it, makes perfect sense). Of course, my friend ruined this tact completely by blurting out (in character, to the halfling at the trial) about how this meant he was nuts.

Then there was this one time we fought spellstitched ghasts in another campaign, and no matter how hard me or the DM tried to hit each other, we just couldn't. The phrase "vortex of suck" was born from this encounter. In fact, I think I hit more after the Darkness spell was cast.

I wrote about a fish turning into the moon.

brickman wrote:

Now that you mention it, Legend of the Overfiend...

But I didn't know of that movie back then. i was told about it by Jim, actually. His roommate back in the states had been a Japanese-American kid who wanted to get in touch with his heritage... By watching a lot of Anime, back when they were on Laserdiscs. And Legend of the Overfiend was included in his repertoire, and he'd pop it in the machine when showing anime to others. He just didn't see why someone would be bothered by it.

the statement above is false

One from an Dn D campaign, involving a hireling that was a blonde Expy for Kaylee Frye, called "Kay". I had vague memories of Serenity and hadn't seen Firefly, so I'd misremembered her hair colour and was corrected. She got Mind Thrusted to death for bad singing by an evil mage with a penchant for that sort of thing.

When my character figured out he was responsible, he killed him with the link [ww=And This Is For]"This is for Kay! Who's blonde!"[/ww]. The guy in question was then killed by the NPC guards.

That campaign also had a self-inflicted Total Party Kill via use of an experimental explosive.

Me, my brother and our friends used to play my homebrew tabletop RP Gs during our junior high school years, and as you might imagine, several juvenile minds combined with a make-believe game without any professionally-designed rules often resulted in "roleplaying" that would reduce anyone who's ever rolled one dice in D&D into a Writhing Pile of Disdainful Laughter. (I wonder how many Hit Die one of those has.)

Perhaps in interests of self-preservation, my mind has erased most of the memories pertaining to said experiences, but some of the slightly less ridiculous campaigns we played in high school remain surprisingly fresh in my mind.

The party that I GM'd for the longest time?due to the aforementioned lack of strict rules?was a complete freakshow, and consisted of:

• an undead werewolf necromancer, with a voodoo flavor and some Shadowdancer capabilities,
• an Alucard Expy,
• a fish-man "bonesmith" (somewhat akin to a Medieval surgeon),
• a dragonman,
• a hipster New Age druid on drugs and
• a generic human swordsman.

It challenged my creativity as a Game Master to come up with situations where the party would not get attacked like the monsters they were. Eventually, I just copped out and portrayed every NPC they ran into as amazingly open-minded?and despite all this, they still managed to make themselves into wanted criminals in every bastion of civilization on the continent, mostly thanks to the exploits of the restraintless vampire.

But perhaps ironically, the best parts of the campaign were thanks to the generic human swordsman my brother was playing, who?despite having the single best physique in the whole monstrous party?managed to fail every single Agility save in the game. To wit:

• The party needs to climb down a cliff. Critical failure: the swordsman slips, falls, breaks his leg, and has to be carried to the nearest city. Luckily, said city is a bustling metropolis, and the swordsman gets equipped with magical prosthetics. In retrospec, perhaps consulting the party's bonesmith might have been easier.
• The fish-man has decided to keep on fishing by a river until he makes a catch. (Ironic, no?) In order to get a little move into him, I have a migrating sea serpent rise from the river and assault the party. The fish-man dodges, but the nearby swordsman? Critical failure: his body is crushed and maimed and has to be revived as a free-willed undead servant of the party's necromancer to keep him in the game (with some stitching-up by the humbled bonesmith.)
• The party needs to jump across a chasm in a demonic dungeon. The undead swordsman fails, again, and falls down. Thanks to his recently acquired undeath, he manages to "survive" the crippling injuries inflicted by the fall, but also triggers the alarm and sicks dozens of demons on the party.

The campaign had a happy end where they kill all the demons, loot their treasury and retire in luxury. It was enjoyed by all, except perhaps for my brother, who has phenomenally terrible luck when it comes to tapletop roleplaying. For example?thanks to us playing Honest Rolls Characters?his character in the next campaign (which we never quite got around to finishing) was a beastman hunter with a Strength score lower than the party's goblin errand boy's.

Of course, there's always the possibility that it was not so much his luck as it was my atrocious game design, but eh, details.

Please be gentle with me.

So our party's in a bar.

There are no weapons allowed in the bar.

One of the P Cs is a gnome.

Gnomes aren't technically weapons...

InsanityPrelude wrote:

Truly, brevity is the soul of wit.

The high priest Oscar sent us to a farmer to deliver a sealed letter to him. The farmer opened the letter, looked at it, and then yelled "What is this? I can't read!" So we look at the letter, and it reads: Oscar wrote:

I wrote about a fish turning into the moon.

Also from our last campaign, one of the guys named his character "Elron Hubbard".

the statement above is false

My group has a running gag that species-specific languages all work out exactly like Pokemon languages. Every time our translator speaks Orcish, he just says "Orc-orc, orcorc orc orc," and for Goblinish he just says "Goblin goblin goblin," etc.

Also, as debates about what course of action to take become longer, the probability that someone in the party will suggest we throw a trout at the problem approaches 1.

I didn't write any of that.

Meta4 wrote:

Human! Human human human, human!

the statement above is false

I recently had my first RPG experience, in the form of Stick Guy. We needed someone to GM, so I suggested that person be the one with the least experience with the genre, being me. I tried to ad lib a compelling story, since we decided to play it spur of the moment, but what the players ended up doing was far more awesome than anything I was poised to come up with.

The most notable example: One of my friends was about to engage in a desperate battle with the wanted criminal, Gardot Malfort (my improv skills at work). Meanwhile, another friend's sociopathic lawyer character hot wired a postal vehicle and drove around the back of city hall in an attempt to run Malfort over. The first friend attempted to veto this action as a failure would put him in directly in the path of the truck, but a third player vetoed his veto.

In the end it didn't matter because the lawyer's bumper struck true, slaying Malfort and winning the day. The lawyer then proceeded to convince Malfort's family to sue the post office for negligence.

Sometime later, after a battle with a Yakuza member that I accidentally made way too hard and intervened with a Deus Ex Machina, he decided to end the scenario by suing me for the sum of one rocket jet pack, and then rode off into the sunset in his stolen mail truck without addressing any of the town's organized crime problems.

Add me on Skype: Al Cook (darnpenguin)

Old anecdote I thought was kinda funny, told in quotes and backstories.

"See, acid does the damage, but blood is so much more cooler." - Steve
"Acidic blood." - Dan
.*pause*
"Acidic blood...yes..." - Steve
"It is a miracle." - Dan
"Why, yes it is..." - Steve
"The best of both worlds!" - Dan
Backstory: I'm trying to kill this gigantic brain in a vat. Using my smarts, I decide to call upon my deity to change the substance it's floating in (briny water) to something else so it suffocates. The floor was open to suggestions; I personally preferred blood, and Dan thought acid would get the job done quicker. Then...

"Steve, before the acid and the lava do any damage, it's going to drown. So you might as well just turn it into blood." - Whelan (DM)
"But it's acidic lava blood!" - Dan
"Even so—" - Whelan (DM)
"LAVA!" - Dan
Backstory: ...then we figured that since this is a miracle, it can accomplish most anything. So we thought up some interesting combinations. Acidic lava blood isn't really blood anymore, is it? Though, to lay out my cards, I did consider turning the briny water into 'black blood of the earth.'

"Why don't you just turn it into oil?!" - Whelan (DM)
"THEN WE CAN SET IT ON FIRE!" - Dan
Backstory: Dan just won't let go of burning that mindflayer brain.

"It's righteous blood. So it's the blood of the saints and the martyrs." -Steve
"So you just killed a bunch of saints and martyrs." -Jon
"They were already dead!" -Steve
"You don't know that!" -Jon
"The martyrs were!" -Steve

Oh, and also...

"Is there anything else in the room?" - Leah
"Dead dwarves." - Jon
"I search the room with a 19." - Leah
"...whole lotta dead dwarves." - Jon

edited 23rd Apr '09 8:25:13 PM by Zephid

I wrote about a fish turning into the moon.

Back in high school, my gaming group was playing a home-brewed sci-fi system. One guy (Jeff) was playing an android and tried to kill Aaron, a shape shifter, but failed miserably (that was a wide power difference). Jeff creates another android, specifically to kill Aaron. To even the odds, Jeff gets a human shield, me. Jeff puts a gun under my arm and approaches Aaron in a sushi restaurant . The scene plays out thusly:

Aaron: I'm in my most powerful form, right?
GM: Yes.
Jeff: Crap. I run away.
Me: Did he leave the gun?
GM: Yes.
Me: I turn around and the bastard!

Unfortunately, I didn't kill Jeff, and the owner of the restaurant activated the self-destruct mechanism so thereafter.

So I'm D Ming for a Call of Cthulhu game with people who don't really care for Cthulhu. To avoid railroading, I pretty much let them do what they want, which involves driving a car off a ramp into an unrelated house, making cyborg arms from the remains of the car (He rolled really well on some arbitrary check I made him do for it) and trying to start the fourth reich (pre-emptively, as the story is set in the 1920's and there was yet to be a third). I never D Med again.

I swear, he walked onto the knife. In his sleep. From behind. Twelve times.

"This fae searches for things holding memories, but only if they're old, almost forgotten, and broken."

"Like D&D 1st edition?"

"Next time we play with Rob, I'm going to ask him if I can have a mercurial greatsword. It's a greatsword with a times four crit modifier!" - Dan
"And what makes you think he's going to say yes?!" - Leah
"I'm not going to tell him that!" - Dan

"Go, Whelan." - Dan
"[The balor's] ninety feet in the air, I can't just [have him] attack." - Whelan
"Then have him charge down." - Leah
"No, no, because then it'd be next to us and would explode. I don't have Repulse, and even if I did, I wouldn't be able to use it. We're on top of a tower. If I Repulsed, I'd throw all of you off the tower. And you'd all die. Except Dan, probably." - Steve
"Well, I only have a hundred twenty-seven HP, so I might have some trouble." - Dan
*pause*
"I could probably manifest Levitate in time." - Diana
"I could lay on hands myself." - Leah
"I could land on someone." - Dan

edited 7th May '09 6:25:02 AM by Zephid

I wrote about a fish turning into the moon.

In a game I was D Ming, a random NPC rogue got caught stealing from one of my P Cs, got scolded by the PC for doing it, and proceeded to steal the PC's most valuable magical item DURING THE SCOLDING!!! She rolled a crit on her Pick Pocket roll (it was a 3.0 game, later 3.5), and the PC rolled a 2 on spot. That NPC later became one of the other P Cs' love interest.

Was playing Exalted, and the Twilight Craftsman decided he wanted to go into full Limit Break. Deliberate Cruelty is fun. He killed the Satrap of a province, and a bunch of guildmasters, and made their bodies into one giant statue in the Satrap's image.

Wyld Hunt comes along, sees crazy shit. Decides to pursue him. However, he hides, grabs a Windblade (basically air surfboard), and hides in the clouds. The Wyld Hunt men grab an airship and head away looking for him, and he comes down and starts throwing Sun's Fist Chakrams at the airship (basically throwing bombs). Blows it up. No more Wyld Hunt.

edited 25th Jul '09 4:30:25 AM by Killersquid

That "The MARTYRS were!" line was hilarious. Here's my best story:

So I was D Ming for my 4e group and they've just beaten their first dungeon, which was a floating fortress filled with constructs. As a reward, they're invited to a fancy dinner party (and the plot hook for the next adventure). I need to get them to say their backstories somehow, so I figure out a way. The characters are in a cart going up to the mansion where the party is located, so I have the cart driver turn around and say:

"Hi, I'm Bob. I like backstories. Tell me yours or I might drive this carriage off of a cliff!"

The whole table cracked up.

I've only actually played D&D twice in my life before the TV Tropes play by post. The first was a very, very ill fated attempt to start a campaign with a friend who knew the workings of the game. It lasted about five minutes and is not the funny story.

No the funny one is my second venture...He was still adamant about getting me into D&D and had invited his group over to try this fourth edition thing when it was still shiny and new. Only one person besides me came...

As such the affair turned into an odd joke campaign. We played as a fair group of heroes named Enchirito, Chalupa, and Gordita who were trying to clear out a dragon's basement. Said dragon spoke with a southern accent and was a plantation owner that seemed to hate some other race with a seething passion...We had a bad run in with a prostitute which resulted in the cleric getting an STD that prevented her from speaking and spent most of the time in the dungeon running about like idiots hoping our NPC Chalupa would somehow not be dead anymore. We did manage to succeed but only because the ceiling caved in on the monster that was owning us into oblivion.

We did not get any farther than that sadly because I had to go home.

If someone wants to accuse us of eating coconut shells, then that's their business. We know what we're doing. - Achaan Chah

So I'm DMing a game for my little brother, who has even worse hearing than I do, leading to this:

"The cultists surround you and ask, 'Are you a believer or an unbeliever?'"

*long pause* "I am not a beaver."

edited 25th Jul '09 8:53:35 AM by Haven

Productivity is for people without internet connections. -Count Dorku

Same game as mentioned before: A (different) PC who was new to D&D buys a grappling hook so he can climb up to the roof of a villan's lair, instead of going through the front door. I decided to be mean (The group had split up, and I wanted to make them suffer for it). The conversation went as follows:

Andrew: I throw the grappling hook up onto the roof!

Me: Okay, it's up there.

Andrew: Okay, I climb up to rope.

Me: What rope?

Andrew: The rope on the grappling hook! Me: You didn't buy any rope.

Andrew: I thought it came with rope! It has rope in the picture...

Me: You have to buy rope separately. Sorry.

Andrew: What about my grappling hook?

Me: It's up on the roof. With no rope.

Andrew: So now I need rope...AND a new grappling hook!?

He ended up going out to buy a new grappling hook, with rope, just so he could climb into the villan's lair, BY HIMSELF!!!

edited 25th Jul '09 9:17:09 PM by Archaalen

Oh Jesus, those happen nearly EVERY FUCKING SESSION to me. Sooner or later, someone drops a one-liner that makes sense in context and everyone bursts into wild laugh.

Recent situation one, Vampire The Requiem. My character, a ballsy detective and The Nicknamer, started shit-talking with a psychopathic goon of the Invictus boss (Pierpont Mc Ginn from New Orleans). Calling the guy (named Montgomery) "Monty" was most probably his Berserk Button, because first he wanted to clock me (failed miserably with three dice) and then shot me twice. Later, Monty calls another player's character:
Lena: What?! He was in the tower?! What did you tell him?!
Me (off-game, utter deadpan): Blam.

Recent situation two, the same adventure, character in question is a deadbeat Mekhet Cloudcuckoolander. He had to take a tram across the town, but didn't have any money.
Ding (pondering): I don't have any money. Maybe if I used Obfuscate...
Me (off-game): I'm a sack of carrots! I'm a sack of carrots!

Assorted one-liners from various sessions:

• Blue Oni: "Call the Alisum...Asylum!"
• Ed: "Shah Rukh Khan is better than Chuck Norris."
• Blue Oni: "It's a dog that has a 'I don't give a fuck, I can totally kill a bear with my teeth. Whatcha gonna do about that?' look."
• Me (about a Hummer H2 kitted out like James Bond's car): "What, you fucking stole this thing from MI 6?!"
• Me: "What, my hand is on fire?! I hit him with my claws, I'm gonna put out the flames!"

edited 17th Aug '09 1:36:51 PM by NotSoBadassLongcoat

"what the complete, unabridged, 4k ultra HD fuck with bonus features" - Mark Von Lewis