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Quotes / Joisey

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"I'm from New Jersey, man! In Jersey we kill people for no reason at all, cuz we all got cancer anyway, so who gives a shit!"
Buddy Bradley, Hate

Baby, this town rips the bones from your back
It's a death trap, it's a suicide rap
We got to get out while we're young
Because tramps like us, baby we were born to run
Bruce Springsteen, Born to Run, the state's "Unofficial Youth Rock Anthem"

"Today, sleep is regarded as a complex and inconstant state, a state not unlike New Jersey."
Howie Mandel, on St. Elsewhere

You don't have a disease. You just live in New Jersey.
Anonymous Doctor

Q: How many people from New Jersey does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three: One to change the bulb, one to witness, and the third to shoot the witness.

"Noah was a drunk. Look what he accomplished, and no one's asking you to build an arc. All you have to do is go to New Jersey."
Metatron to Bethany in Dogma

Twas bergen and the eirie road
Did mahwah into paterson:
All jersey were the ocean groves,
And the red bank bayonne.

"Beware the Hopatcong, my son!
The teeth that bite, the nails that claw!
Beware the bound brook bird, and shun
The kearney communipaw."

He took his belmar blade in hand:
Long time the folsom foe he sought
Till rested he by a bayway tree
And stood a while in thought.

And, as in nutley thought he stood,
The Hopatcong with eyes of flame,
Came whippany through the englewood,
And garfield as it came.

One, two, one, two, and through and through
The belmar blade went hackensack!
He left it dead and with its head
He went weehawken back.

"And hast thou slain the Hopatcong?
Come to my arms, my perth amboy!
Hohokus day! Soho! Rahway!"
He caldwell in his joy.

Twas bergen and the eirie road
Did mahwah into paterson:
All jersey were the ocean groves,
And the red bank bayonne.
Paul Kieffer

Anna Baragli: He's definitely gonna steal the Codex. I can feel it. I'm not sure when.
Cardinal: Attempt to steal, you mean. The vanity in this man Hudson Hawk! The Vatican has foiled the advances of pirates and terrorists. We will not lie down for some schmuck from New Jersey!

Leela: Who would've thought hell would really exist? And that it would be in New Jersey?
Fry: Actually...
Futurama, "Hell Is Other Robots"

Scientist: I thought the army destroyed Godzilla?
Mayor: He's New Jersey's problem now.

Located in you know where the fuck we are, and bordered by a bunch of places that can suck it — especially you, Pennsylvania — New Jersey is one of the nation's oldest and most historic states. So fuck you. Founded by a guy who could kick your state founder's ass, and boasting some of the safest, cleanest cities in America — you hear that, jerk? — New Jersey will destroy you, just say the word. And while the state has in recent years come under fire from environmental groups, that doesn't fucking matter because Jersey rules. Oh, and by the way, the entire state was balls-deep in your girlfriend last night.

"And, sure enough, away we go into New Jersey. Sing ho! for the open road and that sort of thing. America's heritage—what? So there I am, happy, carefree, emotionally adjusted, all set to be wafted through the bright, wonderful countryside—and what happens? Newark, that's what happens. Psychologically, to say nothing of industrially, it is all wrong... It puts me in a bad humor for hours, and it just isn't worth it. There must be states out West that would be glad to have a city like Newark. New Mexico, for example."
George S. Kaufman, The New Yorker, "Does Newark Have To Be Where It Is?"

Oh the factory smoke will make you choke,
Deep in the heart of Jersey!
And the city rats run in big packs,
Deep in the heart of Jersey!

Oh the Parkway man takes a quarter from your hand,
Deep in the heart of Jersey!
And Route 17, the traffic there is mean,
Deep in the heart of Jersey!

Oh the city skies ain't fit for flies,
Deep in the heart of Jersey!
And the pizza man says "I'ma no unnerstan',"
Deep in the heart of Jersey!

Oh the dumps in June ain't like perfume,
Deep in the heart of Jersey!
But it's my state; I think it's great,
Deep in the heart of Jersey!

Gun-Toting Dame: Why can't I pull the trigger?
Nightmares the Clown: When you entered my hell, you walked past a sign that says "Abandon hope, all who enter." It is because I have dominion over you. It's an implicit contract.
Dame: I walked past no such sign!
Nightmares the Clown: I'm paraphrasing. It actually said "Welcome to New Jersey."
The Thrilling Adventure Hour, "The Devil You Know"

Julio: I don't want to go to Newark.
Peggy Olson: No one does.

"Everything is legal in New Jersey."

They drove over a long, deserted bridge as they left the city behind them. On either side you could see the river flowing – a thick brown that was probably more chocolate milk. The surface was covered in tiny ripples as the rain hit it. The road changed to a checkerboard pattern about halfway over, and once they had finished crossing they were greeted by trees with red-and-white peppermint trunks. A green metal sign told them “Welcome to New Jersey.”

Paul stared out the window at the bizarre landscape. “Thank goodness, it’s completely unharmed,” he said.

(201): Did you miss a turn again?

This guy thinks he can threaten us where we live? Ms. Marvel has a message for him. This is Jersey City. We talk loud, we walk fast, and we don't take any disrespect. Don't mess.


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