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Quotes / All-Natural Snake Oil

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Kramer: It's organic!
Jerry: "Organic"? So's Buddy Hackett.

"Nothing exists but Mind?"

"Nothing," she answered. "All else is substanceless, all else is imaginary."

I gave her an imaginary check, and now she is suing me for substantial dollars. It looks inconsistent.

Ah yes, Splot, thought Moist. It contained herbs and all-natural ingredients. But belladonna was a herb, and arsenic is natural.

Do you know what I do want in my hair? Chemicals. That's right, I want sodium lauryl sulfate, which has been used for many decades because it is safe and effective at cleaning hair. I want emulsifiers, preservatives, and yes, a mild fragrance is nice. I do not want bamboo in my hair. I don't care if the ingredients are "natural" or not. "Natural" is a meaningless term, in this regard. Water is just as natural as cyanide (it comes from fruit!), arsenic, uranium, and Ebola for that matter.
Jeff Wagg, SWIFT

The word 'natural' is completely meaningless! Everything is natural! Nature includes everything! It's not just trees and flowers! It's everything! A chemical company's toxic waste is completely natural! It's part of nature! We're all part of nature! Everything is natural! Dog shit is natural! It's just not real good food.

"Miracle flowers"?? Are you a doctor or an old west traveling salesman? "Have I got something miraculous for you, ladies and gentleman: a monkey's paw mixed with five petals of a rose in a thimble full of otter semen! Guaranteed to cure your lumbago, step right up, step right up 'ere!"

"Oh, herbal medicine been around for thousands of years!" Indeed it has. And then we tested it all, and the stuff that worked became "medicine", and the rest of it is just a nice bowl of soup and some potpourri.
Dara O'Brian

With cancer, the Mail have found possibly their greatest asset in attempting to scare their readers into doing a lot of crazy shit. Among the items claimed by the paper to cause cancer (based on "scientific" research) are mouth wash, oral sex, Pringles, Facebook and coffee. On the other hand, cures for cancer include tofu, the yellow fever vaccine, ketchup and coffee.
Rational Wiki on the Daily Mail

After a lifetime of eating, no words mean less to me than "all natural." A bottle of Arrowhead water claims to be 100% NATURAL* CALORIE-FREE. Why did anyone speculate that I'd think differently? Was there a conspiracy going around that their product was bottled android sweat? Outside of a hydrogen fuel cell, where does one even find unnatural water? Witch toilets? Arrowhead, are you implying that your competitors get their product from witch toilets?
Seanbaby, Cracked's 6 Words Advertisers Love (That Don’t Mean A Damn Thing)

In 2010 Null nearly died from overdosing on Vitamin D through eating his own branded “Ultimate Power Meal” twice a day. This shows that he’s not merely a fraud but actually believes his own claims, I guess. His response was to sue the company making it for him for making it exactly in accordance with his recommendations. Apparently six other people were hospitalized as well. At least Null assures us that "all his other products are fine".

"...they had all kinds of fruity stuff, and I don't mean `fruity` as in `contains the crushed flesh of innocent living organisms that happened to be born on a tree`. I mean packaging adorned by such brilliant slogans as `It's all-natural!` So is nerve poison."
Iji, logbook written by Tasen Soldier JG922:ZMNS

"When did "natural" become a good thing? Lightning is natural. Cobra venom is natural."
Mike Rowe, Dirty Jobs

This serial is proudly sponsored by the Radio-Active Water Company. Are you feeling tired and listless? Worried about poison and disease in the water you drink? Thanks to the wonders of Radium Science the solution is at hand: Radio-Active Water! Every cell of your body will be bombarded by health-giving electric atoms, killing germs and restoring your youthful vigor. You might ask: is radio-activity dangerous to my health? Be assured that Radium is not a synthetic drug or medicine but an entirely natural element, present in many hot springs famous for their recuperative properties. So to give yourself that healthy glow, drink Radio-Active Water today!
— Blurb for Plan 7 of 9 from Outer Space


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