The Atheist Professor Copypasta can refer to one of two different copypastas on the internet.
The original version, also known as the "Albert Einstein Copypasta", was to a common chain email copypasta that originated in 1999. It told a story about a religious student and an atheist professor arguing about the existance of God and the Problem of Evil. The student wins the argument, and at the end it's revealed that the student was (supposedly) none other than Albert Einstein himself. It should be noted that Einstein himself never actually said this and the story is considered an Urban Legend.
The parody version was originally written on 4chan in 2011, meant to make fun of the original one. It tells the story of a Straw Liberal professor forcing his students to worship Karl Marx, before he is stopped by a Christian U.S. Marine who disproves the theory of evolution. This copypasta quickly became iconic for its over-the-top parody of cheesy apocryphal internet stories.
For more information, see Albert Einstein Copypasta
on Know Your Meme and Atheist professor myth on Rational Wiki.
The university professor challenged his students with this question. Did God create everything that exists? A student bravely replied, "Yes, he did!"
"God created everything? The professor asked.
"Yes sir", the student replied.
The professor answered, "If God created everything, then God created evil since evil exists, and according to the principal that our works define who we are then God is evil". The student became quiet before such an answer. The professor was quite pleased with himself and boasted to the students that he had proven once more that the Christian faith was a myth.
Another student raised his hand and said, "Can I ask you a question professor?"
"Of course", replied the professor.
The student stood up and asked, "Professor, does cold exist?"
"What kind of question is this? Of course it exists. Have you never been cold?" The students snickered at the young man's question.
The young man replied, "In fact sir, cold does not exist. According to the laws of physics, what we consider cold is in reality the absence of heat. Every body or object is susceptible to study when it has or transmits energy, and heat is what makes a body or matter have or transmit energy. Absolute zero (-460 degrees F) is the total absence of heat; all matter becomes inert and incapable of reaction at that temperature. Cold does not exist. We have created this word to describe how we feel if we have no heat."
The student continued, "Professor, does darkness exist?"
The professor responded, "Of course it does."
The student replied, "Once again you are wrong sir, darkness does not exist either. Darkness is in reality the absence of light. Light we can study, but not darkness. In fact we can use Newton's prism to break white light into many colors and study the various wavelengths of each color. You cannot measure darkness. A simple ray of light can break into a world of darkness and illuminate it. How can you know how dark a certain space is? You measure the amount of light present. Isn't this correct? Darkness is a term used by man to describe what happens when there is no light present."
Finally the young man asked the professor, "Sir, does evil exist?"
Now uncertain, the professor responded, "Of course as I have already said. We see it every day. It is in the daily example of man's inhumanity to man. It is in the multitude of crime and violence everywhere in the world. These manifestations are nothing else but evil."
To this the student replied, "Evil does not exist sir, or at least it does not exist unto itself. Evil is simply the absence of God. It is just like darkness and cold, a word that man has created to describe the absence of God. God did not create evil. Evil is not like faith, or love that exist just as does light and heat. Evil is the result of what happens when man does not have God's love present in his heart. It's like the cold that comes when there is no heat or the darkness that comes when there is no light."
The professor sat down.
The young man's name — Albert Einstein.
"Before the class begins, you must get on your knees and worship Marx and accept that he was the most highly-evolved being the world has ever known, even greater than Jesus Christ!"
At this moment, a brave, patriotic, pro-life Navy SEAL champion who had served 1500 tours of duty and understood the necessity of war and fully supported all military decision made by the United States stood up and held up a rock.
"How old is this rock?"
The arrogant professor smirked quite Jewishly and smugly replied "4.6 billion years, you stupid Christian"
"Wrong. It’s been 5,000 years since God created it. If it was 4.6 billion years old and evolution, as you say, is real... then it should be an animal now"
The professor was visibly shaken, and dropped his chalk and copy of Origin of the Species. He stormed out of the room crying those liberal crocodile tears. The same tears liberals cry for the "poor" (who today live in such luxury that most own refrigerators) when they jealously try to claw justly earned wealth from the deserving job creators. There is no doubt that at this point our professor, DeShawn Washington, wished he had pulled himself up by his bootstraps and become more than a sophist liberal professor. He wished so much that he had a gun to shoot himself from embarrassment, but he himself had petitioned against them!
The students applauded and all registered Republican that day and accepted Jesus as their lord and savior. An eagle named "Small Government" flew into the room and perched atop the American Flag and shed a tear on the chalk. The pledge of allegiance was read several times, and God himself showed up and enacted a flat tax rate across the country.
The professor lost his tenure and was fired the next day. He died of the gay plague AIDS and was tossed into the lake of fire for all eternity.
Semper Fi
Tropes Relating to the Original Version
- Evil Is Sterile: The crux of the student's argument is that evil is not a real thing but just the absence of good.
- God Is Evil: The professor thinks so, at least, based on the idea that he created evil.
- God Is Good: The point of the student's argument is to prove that God is not evil.
- Historical Hero Upgrade: Albert Einstein was supposedly, according to this story, a philosopher of religion as a university student.
- Historical Person Punchline: "The young man's name — Albert Einstein."
- Hollywood Atheist: The professor tries to disprove Christianity to his students without any real reason given.
- Religion Is Right: More or less the point of the story.
Tropes Relating to the Parody Version
- Bigger Than Jesus: The professor describes Karl Marx as "greater than Jesus Christ!"
- Bury Your Gays: The homosexual professor dies of AIDS.
- Commie Nazis: How exactly the professor can be both a ''Muslim'' and an ''atheist'' note is never explained.
- Eagleland: The "America the Beautiful" version is Parodied here.
- Easy Evangelism: All of the other students convert to Christianity after hearing the US Marine's argument.
- God: He shows up at the end to enact a flat tax rate over the country.
- Gravity Is Only a Theory: The student 'refutes' evolution by claiming that if it were true, rocks would have all evolved into animals by now.
- Hollywood Atheist: Exaggerated and Parodied with the professor. For starters he demands that his students worship Karl Marx as "the most highly-evolved being the world has ever known".
- Patriotic Fervor: Parodied. After the US Marine bests the professor, a bald eagle perches on a flag and the pledge of allegiance is read several times.
- Semper Fi: Parodied, as the US Marine the story is about refutes evolution in a classroom.
- Straw Character: The professor, in case the line "A liberal Muslim homosexual ACLU lawyer professor and abortion doctor..." doesn't give it away.
- Ultimate Lifeform: According to the professor, Karl Marx was "the most highly-evolved being the world has ever known".
