Funny / Sam O'Nella Academy

• From the video on "Animal Weaknesses," there's a very amusing moment when Sam is discussing the dangers of leaving your ferret unattended:
  Sam: (In the style of a Five Gum commercial) How it feels to chew Five Gum...
  Ferret: (frantically choking on gum) HELP I CAN'T SHIT NO MORE!!!!
  Sam: Five Gum: "Stimulate your ferrets."
• From the video about "Why The Chicken Got Domesticated":
  • Sam calls the bamboo rice "bambinos."
  • When talking about what likely happened when humans first discovered the chicken's egg laying abilities, it leads to this exchange:
    Human #1: Wow, how bamboozling.
    Human #2: Wait a minute, that pun was dumb! But also, we can harness this whole chicken cycle thing. All we have to do is give these guys a bunch of food, and we can make their reproductive systems go into overdrive whenever we want! Do you know what that means?
    Human #1: Lots of hot bird porn!
  • This gem:
    Sam: Of course, having a constantly supercharged uterus is not without its drawbacks. After all, the chicken essentially goes through its entire menstrual cycle every day. So next time your girlfriend's complaining about how bad her period is, get her a box of chocolates and be generally attentive to her needs. You prick.
  • A discussion on the functions and drawbacks of the chickens cloaca leads to this gem of a conversation between two roosters:
    Sean: Hey Jerry, how're you doing?
    Jerry: (Sighs) Not good, Sean. Not good...
    Sean: Aw man, what's wrong?
    Jerry: It's just... ever since Jenny got egg-bound, things have been so stressful. Her funeral expenses are through the roof, and her memory means so much to me, but if the bills keep coming in like this, I'm not sure my family will be able to handle it...
    Sean: Well, hey man, you know what they say: "Don't put all your eggs in one casket!"
    Jerry: (Glares silently)
    Sean: Let's just hope she doesn't get eggs-humed!
    (Beat)
    Sean: I'm sorry...
    Jerry: Don't ever contact me or my kids ever again.
    Sean: I understand...
• "Plant Diseases"
  • "Broomrape. I'm serious, Broomrape. Broomrape. Wikipedia: Broomrape. Naked Broomrape! Imagine if we gave human illnesses names like that."
    Doctor: I'm sorry, Sam, you have Urethra Cactus.
    Sam: I'd just end it right there! Doesn't matter what the actual symptoms are.
  • The final topic covered is Ergot and how it produces toxins that are very close to LSD.
    Sam: So a medieval peasant would be sitting there, eating a nice loaf of rye bread- just minding his own business- when all of a sudden-
    Peasant: HOLY SHIT I'M BLASTING OUT OF BOTH ENDS! MY HEART'S A-SEIZIN', MY LUNGS A-WHEEZIN'! THE FUCKING WALLS ARE MELTING! I can hear Satan's voice! He's telling me to "invest in Apple?" WHAT DOES THAT MEAN? WHY DOES HE WANT ME TO BUY APPLES?!
    Sam: This would go on for a day, sometimes their fingers and toes would fall off but they'd be fine. Unless they weren't. Moral of the Story, kids: Don't eat strange bread. You could trip balls and die.
• "Tarrare, the Hungriest Man in History":
  • When Tarrare's ability to eat anything got noticed by townsfolk after he got kicked out of his home:
    Sam: ...and eventually he landed a job as a street performer in Paris. People would hand Tarrare entire baskets of apples, eggs and even wine corks and watch in delight as he horked them down without the slightest hesitation. Normally, this went off without a hitch, except for one time when he suffered a severe intestinal blockage. Fortunately, the crowd was kind enough to carry him to the hospital where he was treated with the strongest laxative the 18th century had to offer. I would draw what happened next, but it would probably get my channel deleted. (shuts his eyes) So let's just picture it for a few moments. (starts to grimace at the thought, shudders) Moving on...
  • Sam admits that, towards the end of the Wikipedia article, he was so desensitized to Tararre that his immediate reaction to reading that he ate dead bodies from the morgue was accepting that without a second thought.
  • The hospital staff tolerated the various antics of Tarrare, which included drinking the blood of those bloodletting and attempting to eat bodies at a morgue, until...
    Doctor: Well Tarrare, you've only had three mess hall raids, four miscellaneous trash-related mishaps and one cadaver-defiling, so I'd say so far, this week's been pretty good.
    Nurse: (knocks) Uh, doctor? We should probably inform you that a fourteen-month old child has gone missing from their room. (Beat while Tarrare gets a panicked look)
    Doctor: Tarrare? Look at me. Did you eat a fucking baby?!
    (Tarrare sweats)
• Why Produce Used To Suck
  • Sam somehow manages to go off on a tangent regarding the Grimace from McDonald's, resulting in this line:
    Sam: That's just my McDonald's headcanon, though. Anyway, back to... whatever we were talking about.
  • During the corn segment, Sam shows a picture of teosinte^note an ancestor of modern corn, leading to this exchange between him and a kid named Billy.
    Billy: Gee whiz, Sam, that sure does look like garbage.
    Sam: Good eye Billy, that's because it was garbage!
• Sam as Sedna, the Inuit sea-witch whose fingers fall off and turn into seals, reacting to a guy chewing blubber without looking North.
  Sedna: THAT'S IT! No more fingy-foods for THREE MOONS!
• The entirety of the Timothy Dexter video.
  • While researching, Sam found himself getting confounded at the sheer scale of Dexter's success... until he looked into his personal life.
    Sam: At this point in my research I was like "waitaminute. Is he... smart?" Then I found out about his life outside of business.
• Also the entirety of Dead Body Hijinks. Mostly exactly what it says on the tin, at one point he describes the story of a funhouse worker accidentally discovering that their hanged body prop was, in fact, not a prop.
  Sam: A stagehand tried to move the prop around, only to have its arm break off in his hand.
  Worker: Ugh, lousy stiff. Wait a minute, that's curious. This mannequin's got human flesh and bones inside of it. Wait a minute. Uh-oh. Uh-oh. UH-OH.
• The first line of "Where Animals' Scientific Names Come From," which shows how, even after two years, he hasn't changed a bit.
  Sam: (yawns, stretches) Hey, kids. I just woke up from a nap I took in January of 2020 and boy are my arms tired!
  • He then checks his computer to see what he missed, and among the things he reads, the only thing he seems to take genuine interest in is that, "They made a movie called SCOOB!"
  • He makes up three mnemonics for taxonomy classifications (Domain, Kingdom, Phylum, Class, Order, Family, Genus, Species). The first two are odd, but standard. The third, however, has him Suddenly Shouting as an image of Donkey Kong gets more and more censored:
    Sam: Dizzy Kids Puke Cereal On Fair Grounds Staff
    Sam: Dumb Kittens Pushing Cups Over Feeds Growing Spite
    Sam: Donkey Kong's P*** C*** O*** FUCKING G*** serendipitously (cue DK giving a thumbs-up behind the censor bars covering most of him)
  • There are so many animals with taxon named after their feet that Sam breaks out into a fast-paced country song about them.
    Sam: Ya got four feet, six feet, eight feet, ten feet, two feet, equal feet, both feet, double feet, stomach feet, lip feet, sucker feet, wing feet, big feet, slow feet, oar feet, boat feet, joint feet, no feet, ten thousand feet, calloused feet, spade feet, cat feet, small feet.
  • The various ways taxonomists attempted to apply the name 'echidna' to numerous animals, only to find it's already been given to some other animal decades prior. Resulting in an eel having the taxological name 'echidna', while the much more appropriate species of viper being relegated to 'bitis'.
    Sam: Cuz dey bitis.
  • The scientific name of the gorilla, which is...Gorilla gorilla gorilla.
    Scientist: Yes, the gorillest gorilla that ever gorilled, the fuck you want from me?
  • The Stinger has Sam look at the genus of the pig, which had grown particularly infamous during his nap.
    Sam: Don'tsayitdon'tthinkitdon'tsayitdon'tthinkit-
• Obscure Obsolete Inventions:
  • Sam starts the video with an argument for having one big thing over several small things:
    Why have many shrimp when you can have one lobster? Why drink many glasses of milk when you can eat one udder? Why have many Cheez-its when you can have one Cheez-Them? Patent pending.
  • This line about how Moonlight Towers used arc lights, which were bad at lighting and great at giving people vision damage:
    All the light of the moon and all the vision damage of the sun? Talk about a win-win!

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