History Funny / SamONellaAcademy

--->All the light of the moon and all the vision damage of the sun? [[ComicallyMissingThePoint Talk about a win-win!]]

** Sam's argument for having one big thing over several small things:

--->'''Sam:''' [[MadnessMantra Don'tsayitdon'tthinkitdon'tsayitdon'tthinkit]]

* During the [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rZizVUKe4sQ Why Produce Used To Suck]] video, Sam somehow manages to go off on a tangent regarding the Grimace from UsefulNotes/McDonalds, resulting in this line:
-->'''Sam:''' [[ARareSentence That's just my McDonald's headcanon, though.]] Anyway, back to... whatever we were talking about.

-->'''Sam:''' ''(yawns, stretches)'' [[{{Catchphrase}} Hey, kids.]] I just woke up from a nap I took in January of 2020 and boy are my arms tired!

'''Worker:''' Ugh, lousy stiff. Wait a minute, that's curious. This mannequin's got human flesh and bones inside of it. [[OhCrap Wait a minute.]] Uh-oh. ''Uh-oh. '''UH-OH.'''''

'''Peasant:''' ''HOLY SHIT I'M BLASTING OUT OF BOTH ENDS! MY HEART'S A-SEIZIN', MY LUNGS A-WHEEZIN'! THE FUCKING WALLS ARE MELTING! I can hear Satan's voice! He's telling me to "invest in Apple?"'' '''WHAT DOES THAT MEAN? WHY DOES HE WANT ME TO BUY APPLES?!'''\\

--->'''Sam:''' A stagehand tried to move the prop around, only to have its arm break off in his hand.\\

--->'''Sam:''' ''(yawns, stretches)'' [[{{Catchphrase}} Hey, kids.]] I just woke up from a nap I took in January of 2020 and boy are my arms tired!

--> '''Sam:''' [[ARareSentence That's just my McDonalds headcanon, though.]] Anyway, back to... whatever we were talking about.

--> '''Sedna:''' THAT'S IT! No more fingy-foods for THREE MOONS!

* Also the [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aOgBWl_kHYY&t=406s entirety]] of Dead Body Hijinks. Mostly exactly what it says on the tin, at one point he describes the story of a funhouse worker accidentally discovering that their hanged body prop was, in fact, not a prop.

=-->'''Sam:''' ...and eventually he landed a job as a street performer in Paris. People would hand Tarrare entire baskets of apples, eggs and even wine corks and watch in delight as he horked them down without the slightest hesitation. Normally, this went off without a hitch, except for one time when he suffered a severe intestinal blockage. Fortunately, the crowd was kind enough to carry him to the hospital where he was treated with the strongest laxative the 18th century had to offer. I would draw what happened next, but it would probably get my channel deleted. (''shuts his eyes'') So let's just picture it for a few moments. (''starts to grimace at the thought, [[BrainBleach shudders]]'') Moving on...

-->'''Human #1:''' Wow, how [[IncrediblyLamePun bamboozling.]]\\

-->'''Human #1:''' [[ComicallyMissingThePoint Lots of hot bird porn!]]

-->'''Sam:''' Of course, having a constantly supercharged uterus is not without its drawbacks. After all, the chicken essentially goes through its entire menstrual cycle every day. So next time your girlfriend's complaining about how bad her period is, [[MoodWhiplash get her a box of chocolates and be generally attentive to her needs.]] You prick.

-->'''Sean:''' Hey Jerry, how're you doing?\\

—>’’’Doctor:’’’ I’m sorry Sam, you have Urethra Cactus.
‘’’Sam:’’’ I’d just end it right there! Doesn’t matter what the actual symptoms are.

-->'''Sam:''' So a medieval peasant would be sitting there, eating a nice loaf of rye bread- just minding his own business- when all of a sudden-\\
'''Peasant:''' ''HOLY SHIT I'M BLASTING OUT OF BOTH ENDS! MY HEART'S A-SEIZIN', MY LUNGS A-WHEEZIN'! THE FUCKING WALLS ARE MELTING! I can hear Satan's voice. He's telling me to "invest in Apple?"'' '''WHAT DOES THAT MEAN? WHY DOES HE WANT ME TO BUY APPLES?!'''\\

-->'''Sam:''' ...and eventually he landed a job as a street performer in Paris. People would hand Tarrare entire baskets of apples, eggs and even wine corks and watch in delight as he horked them down without the slightest hesitation. Normally, this went off without a hitch, except for one time when he suffered a severe intestinal blockage. Fortunately, the crowd was kind enough to carry him to the hospital where he was treated with the strongest laxative the 18th century had to offer. I would draw what happened next, but it would probably get my channel deleted. (''shuts his eyes'') So let's just picture it for a few moments. (''starts to grimace at the thought, [[BrainBleach shudders]]'') Moving on...

-->'''Doctor:''' Well Tarrare, you've only had three mess hall raids, four miscellaneous trash-related mishaps and one cadaver-defiling, so I'd say so far, [[TemptingFate this week's been pretty good]].\\

'''Doctor:''' Tarrare? Look at me. ''Did you eat a'' ''[[PrecisionFStrike fucking]]'' ''baby?!''\\

-->'''Sam:''' At this point in my research I was like "waitaminute. [[ObfuscatingStupidity Is he...]] [[GeniusDitz smart?]]" Then, I found out about his life outside of business.

-->'''Sam:''' A stagehand tried to move the prop around, only to have its arm break off in his hand.\\

-->'''Sam:''' ''(yawns, stretches)'' [[{{Catchphrase}} Hey, kids.]] I just woke up from a nap I took in January of 2020 and boy are my arms tired!

-->'''Sam:''' Dizzy Kids Puke Cereal On Fair Grounds Staff\\

'''Sam:''' Donkey Kong's [[SoundEffectBleep P*** C*** O***]] [[PrecisionFStrike FUCKING]] [[SoundEffectBleep G***]] serendipitously (cue DK giving a thumbs-up behind the censor bars covering most of him)

-->'''Sam:''' Cuz dey bitis.

--->'''Sam:''' [[MadnessMantra dontsayitdontthinkitdontsayitdontthinkit]]

-->'''Sam:''' At this point in my research I was like "waitaminute. [[ObfuscatingStupidity Is he...]] [[GeniusDitz smart?]]" Then, I found out about his [[HijinksEnsue life outside of business.]]

'''Jerry:''' Don't ever contact me or my kids ever again.\\

'''Sam:''' This would go on for a day, sometimes their fingers and toes would fall off but they'd be fine. [[FalseReassurance Unless they weren't.]] Moral of the Story, kids: Don't eat strange bread. You could trip balls and die.

* The [[https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=ChSUvdU_Sbk&t=471s entirety]] of the [[IdiotHoudini Timothy Dexter]] video.

* During the [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rZizVUKe4sQ Why Produce Used To Suck]] video, Sam somehow manages to go off on a tangent regard the Grimace from UsefulNotes/McDonalds, resulting in this line:

** The various ways taxonomists attempted to apply the name 'echidna' to numerous animals, only to find [[GrandfatherClaus it's already been given to some other animal decades prior.]] Resulting in an eel having the taxological name 'echidna', while the much more [[Characters/ClassicalMythology appropriate]] species of viper being relegated to 'bitis'.

-->'''Sam:'''... and eventually he landed a job as a street performer in Paris. People would hand Tarrare entire baskets of apples, eggs and even wine corks and watch in delight as he horked them down without the slightest hesitation. Normally, this went off without a hitch, except for one time when he suffered a severe intestinal blockage. Fortunately, the crowd was kind enough to carry him to the hospital where he was treated with the strongest laxative the 18th century had to offer. I would draw what happened next, but it would probably get my channel deleted. (''shuts his eyes'') So let's just picture it for a few moments. (''starts to grimace at the thought, [[BrainBleach shudders]]'') Moving on...

-->'''Sam:''' Dizzy Kids Puke Cereal On Fair Grounds Staff
-->'''Sam:''' Dumb Kittens Pushing Cups Over Feeds Growing Spite
-->'''Sam:''' Donkey Kong's [[SoundEffectBleep P*** C*** O***]] [[PrecisionFStrike FUCKING]] [[SoundEffectBleep G***]] serendipitously (cue DK giving a thumbs-up behind the censor bars covering most of him)

--->'''Sam''': Ya got four feet, six feet, eight feet, ten feet, two feet, equal feet, both feet, double feet, stomach feet, lip feet, sucker feet, wing feet, big feet, slow feet, oar feet, boat feet, joint feet, no feet, ten thousand feet, calloused feet, spade feet, cat feet, small feet.

--->'''Scientist''': Yes, the gorillest gorilla that ever gorilled, the fuck you want from me?

--->'''Sam''': [[MadnessMantra dontsayitdontthinkitdontsayitdontthinkit]]

-->'''Sam:''' Donkey Kong's [[SoundEffectBleep P*** C*** O***]] [[PrecisionFStrike FUCKING]] [[SoundEffectBleep G***]] serendipitously (cue DK giving a thumbs-up behind his mostly-censored self)

-->'''Sam:''' Donkey Kong's [[SoundEffectBleep P*** C*** O***]] [[PrecisionFStrike FUCKING]] [[SoundEffectBleep G***]] Serendipitously

--->'''Scientist''': It's gorillest gorilla that ever gorilled, the fuck you want from me?