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Funny / Batman: The Dark Knight Returns

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  • Alfred and Bruce in the Wayne Infirmary:
    Alfred: "If it's suicide you're after, Master Bruce...I have the recipe for an old family potion, It's slow in working, and quite painful. You'd like it."
    • And later in the same scene.
    Alfred: "You know, sir, that there is precedent for wheelchair detectives..."
    Bruce: "Shut up, Alfred."
  • Alfred is The Snark Knight.
    Alfred: Your accountants wait in the West Wing, sir.
    Wayne: Tell them I'm sick.
    Alfred: (mumbled under his breath) Shan't have to lie. That Refugee Charity called...
    Wayne: Write them a check.
    Alfred: and the Committee for the Prevention of Obsessive Behavior in Middle-Aged Men?
    Alfred: Very good, sir. Your sense of humor is keen as ever, sir.
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  • Batman takes a phone call, and obviously plans to jump back into action immediately. An exasperated Alfred is seen pulling the Batsuit out of the washing machine.
    Alfred: (grumbles) "He'll just have to wear it wet...."
  • Batman leaves Carrie in the batcopter and specifically tells her not to touch the controls, or she's fired. She does anyway, reprogramming the voice controls to use cooler commands. Afterwards:
    Carrie: I'm not fired?
    Batman: *grins* You're not fired.
  • "Property damage. Auto." (A voice command to the reprogrammed Batcopter to fire a missile at a car)
  • For his final fight with Superman, Bats leaves Carrie to drive the Batmobile. When Supes rips it open, there she is, aiming her slingshot at him.
  • "Rubber bullets. Honest."
  • This exchange:
    Plainclothes cop: "O'Halloran, ma'am, sixth precint. What've got?"
    Commissioner Ellen Yindel: "It's not suicide, lieutenant. The girl with him is from Kyle Escort. She's been drugged. Shut the joint down... And pick up Selina Kyle."
    O'Halloran: "Yes, ma'am. Thank you, ma'am."
    *O'Halloran goes away*
    Another cop coming from another direction: "Commissioner... O'Halloran, ma'am, sixth precint."
    *Yindel looks at O'Halloran with jaw dropped and realizes she just talked with Batman*
    Yindel: "STOP THAT MAN!"
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  • From the animated movie, this Joker line. Doubly so if you think he was serious and wasn't joking.
    Wolper: He's a victim of Batman's psychotic obsession.
    Joker: (looks confused) ...I thought I was Batman's psychotic obsession.
  • The animated movie also casts the talk show host David Endochrine (in the comic a David Letterman look-alike who told crummy jokes) with Conan O'Brien. The scene now contains so much dark, absurdly-awkward humor that you just know that Conan O'Brien had to have had a hand in re-writing it.
    Joker: I want people to get me.
    David: Alright then.
    Joker: (Slowly drinks out of coffee mug) That's why I'm gonna kill everyone in this room.
    David: Oooookay. That's a little more insight than we had in mind....
  • During Joker's homicidal rampage at the amusement park, there's this Black Comedy Burst when Joker grabs a little boy to use him as a human shield:
    Kid: You're the Joker, right? Batman's gonna kick your ass!
    Joker: He'll have to go through you first.

Alternative Title(s): The Dark Knight Returns


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