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Film / Michael Bolton's Big, Sexy Valentine's Day Special

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There were a lot of very surprised Netflix users on the morning this was released.
Michael Bolton's Big, Sexy Valentine's Day Special is a Netflix variety special starring Michael Bolton. It was created by Scott Aukerman of Comedy Bang! Bang! fame, and released on February 7th, 2017.
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When Santa Claus's elves accidentally make too many toys, Santa charges Michael Bolton with creating a Valentine's Day special to encourage couples to copulate so there will be enough babies to play with them by Christmas.


Michael Bolton's Big, Sexy Valentine's Day Special contains examples of:

  • Adam Westing: Michael Bolton plays himself, but weirder.
  • Bait-and-Switch: The mattress salesman sees a spare guard uniform and declares he's found a way into the studio. He throws the uniform at the guards to distract them.
  • Big Fancy House: Michael's Love Nest was designed by clinically insane Swedish architects to encourage optimal lovemaking.
  • Big "NO!": When he gets a series of horrifying texts from his girl, he unleashes two of these.
  • Crazy-Prepared: Michael's dance instructor teaches him a special routine in case a group of punks burst in on the special and call him lame. It happens.
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  • Darkest Hour: Near the end of the special, Michael's relationship is on the rocks, the baby-making has stalled out, and Santa is shot dead.
  • Interesting Situation Duel: Michael duels Kenny G's sax with vocals. They're singing/playing Dueling Banjos.
  • Only Sane Man: Michael is odd, but most of the guests are much odder.
  • Poor Communication Kills: Michael's girlfriend texts him, saying there's a new man in her life. She means she's pregnant with his son.
  • Rearrange the Song: Does a ballad version of the famous "Jack Sparrow." Which you can also find on his subsequently released album, Songs of Cinema!
  • Sad-Times Montage: Naturally, set to Michael's own "How Am I Supposed To Live Without You." Unfortunately, this completely ruins a segment with a very flummoxed Casey Wilson.
    • This actually parodies Michael's "Said I Loved You... But I Lied" video with the excessive overlays of horses, deserts and eagles.
    Michael (sobbing over a Final Cut Pro session): I need more pictures of horses!!
  • Surreal Humor: You can tell The Lonely Island had a big hand in this.
  • Stylistic Suck: The Dancing Cupids in The Stinger.
    Michael: So fuckin' good.
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  • Tempting Fate: Santa tells Michael to sing "Nessun dorma", but Michael points out that every time it's played in TV or movies, someone is assassinated. Santa says This Is Reality.
  • That Poor Cat: When Michael tosses a gun offscreen. Kenny G objects to how Michael just blatantly killed a cat, but Michael refuses to admit it.
  • The Power of Rock: Namely, the power of big, sexy ballads to make babies.
  • Transformation Sequence: At the time it's needed the most, Michael Bolton transforms into Peak 90s Bolton. Complete with golden mullet and denim shirt.
  • Trigger Happy: When Santa arrives to give ol' Boltron his mission, Michael naturally assumes he needs to kill someone and immediately cocks a gun.
    • And then later, when he meets Kenny G:
    Kenny G: You betrayed your true nature, and for that, I shall destroy you!!!
    Michael: Fine. [cocks gun] Let's do this.
    Kenny G: Whoa! Chill! I meant with music, man; what is it with you and guns?
  • Truck Driver's Gear Change: Parodied to hell and back thanks to Maya Rudolph, who does a couple dozen of these in one two-minute song.
  • Your Mind Makes It Real: Michael tries out a virtual reality sex simulation, and gets into a virtual fight with the doctor who created it. The punches still hurt.
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