But He Would Be A HORRIBLE Love Interest!

Some people cannot help but look at a character and see a Draco in Leather Pants. They see this person, who could very well be a slave trader, a murderer, a psychopath, a monster, a cruel man or woman, or a white supremacist, and they see a huggable boyfriend/girlfriend who would give them flowers and chocolates.

This conversation is here to disprove those lies once and for all. Let's expose these characters and their actual natures to everyone.

Let's keep the Ron the Death Eater to a minimum. No matter how much you say "But he's meeeean!" about a character, there must be proof. All blatant examples of pairing-shilling will be thumped.

Here, I'll start.

The Team: They may be attractive to some women on Deviant Art, but let's be frank: No matter what your opinion of their personalities is, these men are all trained murderers. They think killing is fun. Specifically, the Heavy is usually not a Gentle Giant, the Scout is (canonically) incredibly annoying and not exactly Lord Byron in terms of wooing ladies, the Soldier is the fucking Soldier, I mean come on. The Pyro may be a man or a woman, but whatever xe is, xe's batshit crazy. The Demoman is a rowdy drunk, not the kind of person who'd take you on a walk on the beach. The Medic likes to butcher people with his implements for "science". Obviously, someone like the Sniper, who throws piss and lives in a van, would not be a romantic type. Also, the spy would never love you. He only loves Scout's mom. Really, the Engineer is your best bet, but he has thirteen Ph D's in hard sciences. If he's wasting his life building war machines in a pointless conflict, then he must really love to kill people.

Queen Chrysalis: I'm not sure how many people like her, but she borders on nymphomaniac-psychopath. For one thing, people have commonly compared her to a succubus, a demon who has sex with people. Especially since she just absorbs people's love to the point where they're just brainwashed husks of their former selves (or ungrateful pricks if you consider Shining Armor's moment at the end of Part 1 one of the moments where he's brainwashed). She also has as her childhood dream to see an empire burn to the ground with tons of people running and begging for mercy at her hands hooves. Not to mention that she might have been trying to manipulate Twilight into killing the real Cadance. Aaaand the holes in her legs (see trypophobia).

Long story short: She only cares about sucking you dry, burning cities to the ground, and manipulating people to do her bidding. Oh and holes.

Sephiroth, Sephiroth, Sephiroth. On the one hand, it's obvious why he's got so many fangirls, and I'll admit that.

On the other hand, his master plan is to Kill All Humans (and the Planet) with a Colony Drop. He has personally slaughtered and razed to the ground an entire village of innocents (Nibelheim), inflicted Mind Rape on someone at least once (Cloud), and also committed perhaps the most infamous onscreen murder in videogaming (Aerith).

He doesn't particularly care about anyone other than himself, possibly excepting JENOVA, and perhaps the only reason he doesn't systematically kill everything in his path is because such things aren't even worth his notice when he's setting up Meteor to kill everything everywhere.

Now, before someone mentions Crisis Core, I'll admit that he probably wouldn't have been so terrible a love interest before his insanity and megalomania kicked in at Nibelheim, but he would still have been Married to the Job and was far from the adorable huggable love machine so many fangirls seem to portray him as.

Here are some of the more popular examples from a certain well-known book series.

• Severus Snape. Oh yes, the Snapefen and their ilk. They see a charming, handsome man in him. Yes, Alan Rickman is attractive, but Severus Snape the character is not. I remember somebody once commented that maybe, if he washed his hair, took better care of himself, wore something other than his oily robes, brushed his teeth, took a bath, and discovered skin care products, then...well, his face would be at least interestingly craggy. As for his personality, he's not a very nice person. He's cold and bitter, he's a sourpuss who never smiles. He creeps around and looks mean and conniving, even though he does some very heroic things. Finally and most importantly, he is not over Lily Evans. He will not fall into the Sue's arms like Casanova or something.

• Draco Malfoy: Yes, good ol' Draco. Good ol' white supremacist pureblood supremacist Draco. I don't understand the appeal of some whiny blond prick who's utterly convinced of his superiority and goes out of his way to make "inferiors" miserable. He's a dirty coward and a kiss-ass, and is a fan of making idle threats (especially when his cronies are around). Come on, people! The idea of pairing him up with Hermione is especially insulting.

• Lucious Malfoy: Just like his son, except with an added touch of "serving the Dark Lord" on his resume.

• Lord Voldemort: "I can redeem his horrifying un-face, his lack of a nose, his serial-killing tendencies, his being analogous to Hitler, his willingness to kill anybody who gets in his way, his vileness, his villainy, his horror, his cruelty. I will redeem him with my loOOOOOOHMYGAH THE CRUCIATUS HURTS JUST AS MUCH AS I'VE READ ABOUT"

Frollo. He's old, bitter, fanatical, obsessed with control and sinfulness, and his take on human relationships begins and ends with Sex Is Evil (And I Am Horny). It boggles my mind that so many female fans of the movie apparently look at him and go "Boyfriend material!"

Bradley Uppercrust III. Yeah, a shallow passive-aggressive two-faced cheating snob who tries to murder (or at least significantly injure) at least two or three people and doesn't even care if his best friend lives or dies. Best love interest ever. I have a friend who writes deliberately unhealthy relationships involving him but apparently she has a Misaimed Fandom of her own. One of his most popular ships involves a girl who is canonically with an unconventionally-attractive Shrinking Violet Nice Guy.

Meh. Never stick your dick in crazy is overrated advice.

Sweeney Todd. He's a deranged serial killing maniac, not particularly attractive in most performances, and I'm pretty sure his sex-drive is nonexistent apart from his razors.

More or less every character in Twilight, but especially Edward and Belle...he is an obsessive and sexist stalker, she is a whiny egoist who makes everything about her and treats her friends horrible.

Every pairing involving Moriaty - for that matter, every pairing involving Sherlock, too. Honestly, you need the patience of the saint just to room with him, can you imagine having a romantic relationship with a guy who is chaotic, ignores you for days, insults all your friends, lets you do all the shopping and has no idea how sentiment works?

Or Neal Caffrey from White Collar...adorable character, but you have to be crazy to actually want a relationship with an irredeemable Con man.

To be fair, half of Sherlock's premise is gay jokes. Can't be surprised when the shipping happens when the show is basically screaming "go ahead."

A decent number of people in Homestuck's Fan Dumb seem to think Gamzee would make an excellent boyfriend...never mind that he made out with his crush's severed head, killed two people for absolutely no reason, and is canonically an abusive kismesis to Terezi (even by the standards of that quadrant). And before going sober he was kind of a goofy moron and also a fucking juggalo parody.

I'm not even saying this out of dislike for him (I don't like him, but that's not why I'm bringing it up)—I legitimately find it baffling that anyone would look at him and think "oh my god what a perfect baby, i want to have hawt secks with him!!!!!!11"

There are other examples among that segment of the fandom, but Gamzee sticks out.

The raptors in Jurassic Park. Jesus Christ why.

What.

What.

WHAT.

edited 25th Nov '13 9:21:41 PM by Pannic

Clever girl.

edited 25th Nov '13 9:37:08 PM by gwonbush

Severus Snape was Head of my House. (look at my natty avatar and you will see where I am coming from.) Also, he is the reason why Harry Potter was alive long enough for Voldy to kill him so he could win because of stuff.

And he was played by Alan Rickman. Otherwise known as cultured sex on legs. Any slagging of him is hence invalid.

But why not ship two characters that are both bad people? It makes sense to me.

Also, there's a certain hilarity in ridiculous ships. XD

That the show is full of subtext is no excuse to turn Sherlock into some romantic prince.

xsomething

Yeah, raptors. I think it featured on Rob Bricken's Fanfiction Friday, right? On the Topless Robot blog?

edited 26th Nov '13 5:00:41 AM by Jinxmenow

The universe is for raptors now!

It was also on Masterpiece Fanfic Theatre.

You know you've crossed the line into complete and utter depravity when you make even Sage flinch.

Rerailing:

• Any Batman villain, but especially The Joker. You know, there are some women who will find anything attractive; that apparently includes a delusional homicidal maniac with clown paint plastered all over his face. Also, I know it's a cliche, but it's highly possible he is incapable of love. Look at how he treats Harley Quinn. It's not like he's the Boyfriend of the Year.
  • This includes The Scarecrow. If I need to explain why having a sympathetic backstory does not automatically make you a good person or a good lover, then you're probably the kind of person who writes these stories.

This seems like a redundant topic for a redundant page. Just post your opinions in Draco In Lesther Pants and lock this topic.

But until then, I'm gonna list Gangrel, Walhart, and any villain from Pokespe.

This is a variation on Draco In Leather Pants. This is specifically for love interests, primarily male. DILP is just for bad people that aren't considered bad by the fandom.

There's no point in locking the thread.