Web Video / Mad Because Small

Mad Because Spoilers.

Small.
Small small small small small small small.
ANGRY
Very. Very. Angry.

—Once an Episode introduction

Mad Because Small is an Abridged Series of still shots and clips from Final Fantasy XIV created by Cider Spider about a lalafell named Charity "Baby" Nineheart who's of course is mad that she's small.

They also have a Twitch for more small adventures.

These videos also assume you are familiar with the game, so all spoilers will be off. You have been warned.

Mad Because Tropes

• 420, Blaze It: Baby names her chocobo Kfcfourtwenty.
• A-Cup Angst: Another one of the times she gets jealous of "tall" is when the camera zooms in on Siren or Shiva's chest.
• Adaptational Dumbass: Godbert Manderville, the Token Good Teammate of the Syndicate, is portrayed as a run-down worker at Chuck E. Cheese
• Adaptational Heroism: Since Lolorito apparently has no connection towards the events of Patch 2.56 here, when he shows up in "3.3", Baby and Nanomo allow him to join in because he's rich.
• Adaptational Nice Guy: Hien's considerably more even handed and less vindictive with the amnesiac Yotsuyu than he is in canon, even if Baby considers the reason for it incredibly stupid.
• All Just a Dream: "2.5" has Baby doing the Heavensward White Mage questline in the Hatchingtide Chicken costume… only to reveal she was having a weird dream back at Fortemps Manor until Stupid Dummypants (Tataru) woke her up.
• All Men Are Perverts: "3.3's" rendition of "A Guilty Conscience".
  Hien: Evil traitor who has tortured my people, why should I let you live?
  Yotsuyu: Because I'm hot.
  Hien: Understandable, have a nice day.
  Baby lives in a society
• Amazon Chaser: Baby is definitely this with any female roegadyn with the way she was looking at Merlwyb.
  Hello mayor.
• And Your Reward Is Edible: In "2.0," this is how the Black Chocobo is treated after Baby saves Alphinaud and Tataru from their heresy trial.
  "day is saved. chimkin is reward. (very crispy)"
• April Fools' Day: On April 1st 2022, Cider released "Mad Because Leather Daddy", a joke episode redoing A Realm Reborn, in which the protagonist is a maximum-muscle Roegadyn instead of a minimum-height Lalafell.
• Are You Pondering What I'm Pondering?: In "2.56," when Baby asks Alphinaud this question in terms of The Griffin starting a revolution, his solution... is Shrek cosplay.
  ANGRY
• Ass Shove: "3" has Yotsuyu threatening this to Gosetsu.
  "wanna know why they call me Peggy?" [manly tears]
• Badass Bookworm: Baby starts off as an Arcanist before transitioning to Scholar. "1.5" has her learning to be a Dancer. "2.5" has her also doing the White Mage quests, though she attributes that to being a "chimkin" fueled dream.
• Berserk Button:
  • Calling Baby small is a good way to get your shins kicked in. Patting her on the head is a good way to get your fingers bitten off.
  • Good King Moggle Mog instantly makes Baby angry.
  • Zenos gets to gleefully mash that button since he rightfully kicked her ass up and down Ala Mhigo and Doma. Just to rub it in, he tells her she has split ends. Of course he has his own button in hair smelling like cheap shampoo like VO5 (it only cost a dollar).
• Bilingual Bonus: "3" has a Japanese dialogue between Hancock and Tataru that shows Tataru is also just as mad that she's small.
• Big Ol' Eyebrows: Baby has them to express how angry she gets.
• Brain Bleach: The sight of Tsuyu giving Gosetsu a sponge bath sends Baby running, screaming to the heavens.
  MAD BECAUSE SCARRED FOR LIFE!
• Bread, Eggs, Breaded Eggs: Mad because dailies. Mad because cutscenes. Mad because daily cutscenes.
• Bring My Brown Pants: "Chicken so good you'll crap your pants 'twelve times per minute."
• But for Me, It Was Tuesday: In "2.56," Baby reacts to Ilberd killing himself to summon Shinryu as "very average Tuesday night."
• Curbstomp Battle: "3" has it just like in canon, anyone that goes up against Zenos yae Galvus, even Baby, lose horribly.
  Ninja mom tries to murder (obviously loses). fighting against tall, lose because small.
  Baby: I'm take a nap!
  Zenos: Y'gonna take a nap?
  Baby: I'm take a nap right here!
  Zenos: Okay take a nap right there then.
• Deadly Euphemism: Baby "reading stories" to people is this.
• Determinator: Starting in November 2023, Cider has been working on gathering every single big and small achievement in the game.^note Holiday achievements aren't counted on achievement hunter lists because they're limited events and are account bound.
• Disproportionate Retribution: Garleans at Cape Westwind don't want to buy Baby's Girl Scout cookies? She kills them all.
• The Dog Bites Back: "2.56" has Tataru get one over Baby by having her get mugged by some backup. When Baby tries to tell Y'shtola, the sassy mi'qote tells her to tell her (dead) mom. She tries to tell Aymeric who tells her the same thing (unless she's dead lol)
• The Dreaded: Krile is this to Alphinaud. Rightfully so. (She will kill.)
• Early-Installment Weirdness:
  • The first video is the only one that doesn't have the spoiler warning at the beginning of the video.
  • The first two videos are the only ones without a zoom out focus on Baby's face.
  • Up until "4", all the text is in black and white with certain ones being italicized for speaking. "4" gives everyone colored text to show who's speaking.
  • Despite being a Scholar, "2.5" has Baby taking up Dancer, "3.3" has her as a White Mage (though this is dismissed as a dream) and "3.5" briefly has her as an Archer.
  • Baby briefly wears a light blue outfit during "2.5".
• Failure Is the Only Option: "4.5" shows that Cider had to replay the Hold the Line mission against Elidibus-Zenos, and that all Hien did was just survive long enough just to lose at a scripted point anyway.
  Hanzo fails the duty three times at the last second and has to play it over and over again from the beginning, only to win by losing a scripted battle.
• Gag Penis: In the joke episode "Mad Because Leather Daddy", Daddy agrees to a threesome with Merlwyb... and wakes up in the morning regretting it because "hers was bigger".
• Gratuitous Japanese: Baby calls Alphinaud "oni-chan," Japanese for big brother. She also uses mommy-sama and thigh-senpai respectively for Minfillia and Moenbryda. During the Raubahn rescue arc, Yuyuhase speaks in Japanese despite his class being a gladiator. In 3.0 whenever the party is in Hingashi, Hancock primarily, as well as the group, throw in some stilted Japanese. Tataru (Dummypants) however has better command of it.
  • Lyna uses it once in 5.01 to score sarcasm points against Baby.
  Baby: Why aren't you wearing a helmet? Don't you want to protect your noggin?
  Lyna: 電話を持っていません？^note Don't you have a telephone?
  • Later ironically echoed by Ryne as Lyna's learned the consequences of her actions.
  Ryne: Oh no! Why didn't you wear a helmet!? Don't you want to protect your noggin?
  Lyna: (while floored and injured) 楽しみにしていてください。^note I'm looking forward to it.
• Extreme Doormat: Alphinaud is this for Baby, having to take her to Wendy's.
• Freudian Excuse Is No Excuse: Baby is decidedly unimpressed with Fordola's Dark and Troubled Past.
• Height Angst: As the title of the series indicates, Baby is mad because small and jealous of tall.
• I'm Taking Her Home with Me!: The end of Heavensward's 2.0 story has Baby ask if she can keep Midgardsormr as a pet.
• I Need a Freaking Drink: During Baby's dinner with Aymeric in "2.56," when he offers her a drink, she gladly takes it, even if it's cheap.
  • In 5.02, when the party is ambushed by the Night's Blessed in Rak'tika Greatwoods, Emet-Selch says he has an appointment with a box of wine before teleporting away.
• Ironic Echo: "2.0" has Archbishop Thordan try to "pray the small away" at Baby's presence. After his King Thordan form is defeated and he lays dying at her feet, she throws the same words back at him before he dies.
• Inherently Funny Words: Firmalbert is this. As is Astidian.
• Lampshaded the Obscure Reference: After calling Count Edmont de Fortemps "Vincent Price", the narration adds "that's an old man reference".
• Little Girls Kick Shins: "2.5" has Thancred make the mistake of telling a hungover Baby she looks small when she's sleeping, prompting her to chase him all over Ishgard so she can kick him in the shins.
  • 2.56: "Let's see how tall you are without shins!"
• Mad Libs Catchphrase: While the catchphrase is "Mad Because Small," it can change its meaning depending on context. For example after the Leviathan battle, "Mad because seasick."
• Mid-Season Upgrade: Baby changes up clothes during Stormblood and Shadowbringers after spending A Realm Reborn and Heavensward mostly in the Level 50 Scholar gear.
• The Nicknamer: It's gotten so big it now has its own section.
• Oh, Crap!: In "3.3", Baby is convinced by Alphinaud to let him and Arenvald get out with the treasure with the promise of getting an alligator at the alligator store. When their trip sends them back to Doma, Baby realizes she's been lied to and asks Alphinaud which ankle he likes. Cue the infamous "Alphinaud's hilarious dive into the water" scene.
• Only Known by Their Nickname: While she's given the name Charity Nineheart, she's only ever called Baby.
• Orphaned Punchline: "3" has Alisaie doing this in a conversation with Baby before they get on the boat to Kugane before being interrupted by Urianger.
  Alisaie: anyway, size doesn't matter. it's the motion of the ocean.
  Baby: what does that have to do with—
• Paper-Thin Disguise: Urianger's Evilstupid Foolwizard "disguise" with the Warriors of Darkness is this.
• Parental Abandonment: While the first video suggests Baby is wandering Eorzea without parents, "2.56" and her encounter with Gu-Bu confirms both her maternal parents are dead.
• Parental Substitute: Baby sees Minfillia and Moenbryda as this.
• Please Wake Up: Baby does this when she walks in on Minfillia passed out in the Waking Sands.
• Pungeon Master: "3" has Lyse do this at every opportunity with her name, making Baby ANGRY. "3.3" has Raubahn joining in with bad arm jokes.
• "The Reason You Suck" Speech: Varis does a very odd one in "4.5"
  Aymeric: This is the worst negotiation ever—
  Varis: Your elf country sucks.
  Aymeric: SAD!
  Varis: (to Merlwyb) Your pirate country sucks.
  Merlwyb: SAD!
  Varis: (to Nanamo) You're just a dumb baby. (to Kan-E) and the Kokiri Forest sucks!
  Kan-E: SAD!
• Rhymes on a Dime:
  • "Little Chicken Has Big Flavor" has the narrator does this while a lalafell (most likely Baby) is dressed up in the Hatchingtide 2021 chicken suit dancing around all over whether in the cities, in Primal lairs and in combat until they end up killed by dragons.
  • "3" has Urianger do this whenever he speaks.
  Urianger: Oh-eth no-eth, I'm K.O.-eth!
• Running Gag:
  • Anytime someone is impaled, they say to get the Tums, and usually meaning they're going to die. Subverted with Alisaie.
  • Chocobos being called "chimkin" and being treated less like mounts and more like giant chickens for eating.
  • During "3", Lyse keeps adding in puns that involve her name, and the narrator makes Zenos more obsessed about hair than combat to the point he smacks around Yotsuyu because she uses VO5. Anytime Baby plans on kicking Grynnewaht's shins, he pulls a tactical retreat.
  • "Ope."
  • During 3.3, Raubahn makes arm and hand puns.
• Screaming at Squick: 3.3 has Baby do this when Tsuyu gives Gosetsu his sponge bath.
  [existential dread]
  mad because scarred for life!
• Shout-Out: Moved to its own section.
• Signing Off Catchphrase: For his Achievements series, his signing off catchphrase is " 1 Like = 1 <insert word relating to video>, kbye."
• Sophisticated as Hell: Urianger.

  Urianger: Pray restraineth mine pimp hand, that it doth not strike.

• Spared by the Adaptation: Since Hypertuned Grynnewaht's fight isn't shown, it's looking like he "tactically retreated" right the hell out of the war.
• Stealing the Credit: "3" has Lyse do this by saying she saved the day when Baby was the one who fought Shinryu, then Zenos killed himself… for now.
• Suckiness Is Painful: In "2.56" after Urianger pulls his Big Damn Heroes moment against the Warriors of Darkness while letting out his trademark Flowery Elizabethan English, his own speech patterns killed everyone.
  YOU'RE LAME! everyone dies from the lameness including Alisis. (Well that was unexpected)
• Take That!: It's quite clear that Cider Spider hates the heavy politics angle Patch 4.1-4.3 pushes, thus he tries to speed through it as fast as possible and makes his annoyance of it with a lot of snark.
  mad because small
  smallest of all
  tired of old tricks
  MAD BECAUSE POLITICS
• Terrible Pickup Lines: "Terrible Final Fantasy XIV Pickup Lines" has Leather Daddy using cheesy lines on every named character and boss, every race/gender combination, which server or cluster they play on, and instance names.
• The Thing That Would Not Leave: "3" treats Lyse like this from the get-go. During "Shadowbringers," Baby considers Ardbert's ghost to be one, even to the point of trying to exorcise him.
• Trademark Favorite Food: Baby loves Wendy's. Tataru loves McDonalds, though Baby treats her like a bullied little sister.
• Ungrateful Townsfolk: After Baby and Yugiri save the Doman villagers, one of them says "But, we don't want to be rescued!" Baby's response? "then, perish."
• Unusually Uninteresting Sight: It's not uncommon for things to be revealed or actions suddenly happen and Baby's response is "kbai"
• Vocal Dissonance: The humor comes from imagining a 2'10" lalafell sounding like Solid Snake.
• We Hardly Knew Ye: Conrad Kemp gets this treatment in "3" as "some guy I kinda remember."
• What Could Possibly Go Wrong?: "2.56" has Baby ask this when Omega is woken up to fight Shinryu.
• Who Writes This Crap?!: During "2.0", when Baby and Ysayle get abducted by roach crabs (The Gnath), she stops and asks who's writing this script anyway.
• William Telling: "3" has Yotsuyu still handing an unfortunate Doman a gun to kill a fellow citizen, but for different reasons.
  you were supposed to shoot the apple, idiot
• Worst Aid: Three times:
  • In "2", when Haruchefant is stabbed by the bolt of light, he asks for Tums. When Baby reveals they don't have any, he decides to die.
  • In "2.56", with Alisaie wounded and poisoned, Baby suggests Tums to cure her, only for Alphinaud to tell her it doesn't work like that. Baby blames Tataru/Dummypants.
  • In "3", with Y'Shtola badly wounded, Baby wants to get the paddles ready and needs 10ccs of "Tetracortolmethodone". It immediately cuts to Baby talking to Conrad, asking what he meant by them taking her medical license.
  • In "3.3", after Asahi is ran through by Yotsuyu's swords, he, too, begs for Tums. However, Baby smugly tells him she can't reach it, thus he dies.

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