Self Demonstrating / Eric Cartman

You will respect my authoritah, troper!

(This page is best read in the voice of Trey Parker.)

Hello, you guys. My name is Eric Cartman and I kick ass! Why? Because I did a bunch of shit that you won't be able to do. I starred in my own story arc with the "Coon" where I teamed up with the Dark Lord Cthulhu, I made Scott Tenorman eat his own parents over $16.12, I successfully stopped Osama bin Laden from taking over the world by using wild takes and all that cartoon crap, and I starred in a Cheesy Poofs commercial! I also helped stop the war between Canada and the United States with my slaves Kahl, Stan, and that British dude I don't give a crap about. (Oh, and that one was a musical, but I don't know why either.)

Wait. Did I mention the time I became the Grand Wizard of Kupa Keep and first helped lead Microsoft to victory during the Console Wars (though that didn't end as hoped), then helped some kid named Douchebag (I named him) along on his quest for the Stick of Truth? (Oh, and get the Grand Wizard Edition of that game. It comes with an awesome figure of yours truly.) Oh yeah, and Douchebag's later joined me and the guys again for a game of superheroes, it was totally fucking sweet. I'm also a fierce supporter of Colorado's own Denver Nuggets and my workplace's Los Angeles Kings, which even let me spend a day with The Stanley Cup!

Anyway, this is my very own page on the wiki. Anyone can help me edit, as long as you're not Jewish, black, brown, yellow, red, gay, lesbian, bisexual, transgender, transginger, a hippie, a communist, Buddhist, Muslim, Jewish, a Scientologist, Kyyyinny, Kahl, Kahl's mom, my mom, Seth MacFarlane, a ginger, a Jerseyite, Justin Bieber, Scott Tenorman, Wendy Testaburger, Clyde Donovan, Craig Tucker, James Cameron, Barbra Streisand, Wikipedia, a government worker, a senior citizen, Jewish, a zombie, Bernie Sanders, a Nazi Zombie (regular Nazis are fine), fat, a fat shammer, PewDiePie, PC Principal, a weeb, my ex-girlfriend Heidi Turner, Butters or Jewish. There. Got all that?

You seriouslah better not edit this page if you're Jewish.

• And you'd better shut yer yapper if ya don't want yer ass handed to ya!

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The following tropes apply to me, myself, and I, Eric Cartman:

• Acrofatic: What!? I'm not fat! I'm just big-boned! And so is that menace to society, the Coon! How the hell would he be able to scale entire buildings if he was a slobby fatass? Oh, and about that time I caused the entire class to fail a fitness test? It was ''their'' fault.
• Anti-Hero:
  • I was this before Scott Tenorman decided to push my buttons by selling me his pubes for $16. After that, I decided to be a complete dick to him and everyone else. But hey! The world deserves it! Though I have softened up a bit lately, and am even in charge of all the good guys in The Stick of Truth.
  • Then there was that time when a hippie music festival invaded South Park, and I saved the town by driving the hippies away with death metal. I even bargained with the adults so that I got a new Tonka radio-controlled bulldozer and got to play with it in the skewl parking lot where Kahl had to watch me and get super-jealous because he doesn't have one! It was a sweet victory!
• Animal-Themed Superbeing: The Coon may dress up as a raccoon, but his vigilantism has no place in this world; he's a menace. But he's obviously really kewl!
• Arch-Enemy:
  • Kahl Broflovski. That fucking prick is always preaching about what I'm doing is wrong and how I only care about myself and then he's always trying to stop my plans. And on top of that, he's a fucking Jew. And a ginger. And he recently turned out to be from Jersey too.
  • There is also Wendy Testaburger. That liberal bitch is always trying to fuck me over. she gave me a No Holds Barred Beat Down when I made fun of Breast Cancer, gave my idea of "Dancing With Smurfs" to James Cameron and let that fucking prick change the name to Avatar, ruined my plan of getting my own bathroom by changing into a guy and using it, and made me the ugliest kid in skewl in place of Kahl, when she found the real list. I only hate her less than Kahl cause she's not a Jew or a ginger or from Jersey and we were attracted to each other once.
  • There's also Mysterion, AKA Kyyyinny McCormick, who's always trying to prove he's better than me when it comes to being a superhero. Not only that but he also said that I'm not an actual superhero because I'm only making the world a better place for me. Uh, That's what superheroes do!
  • However they all pale in comparison to my ultimate nemesis, Scott Tenorman! He's an absolute asshole who conned me of my $16 with his pubes so I decided to get back at him by feeding him his own parents in the form of chili. It seemed I had the last laugh, then that motherfucker showed up and revealed to me and the world that my father was his father whom I killed and fed to. That means I'm Half Ginger. HALF GINGER!! Although this is mitigated in that I'm also half Denver Bronco, which is pretty kewl. Anyway, he managed to escape me for now, but make no mistake I will have my revenge on SCOTT. FUCKING. TENORMAN!
• Ass Kicks You: This one time, while I was Sumo wrestling with Craig, teaching him how to fight and stuff, I totally kicked his ass by literally using my ass! And he cried like a little girl! Even though I'm all buff and stuff and don't have an ounce of fat on me, sensei said with the power of my ass, I should consider Sumo wrestling.
• Attention Whore: And I fucking deserve your attention!
• Audience Surrogate: Sometimes when I get A Day in the Limelight. Usually Kahl or Stan are this, but when they aren't around, who else is going to react the way you guys would to all that weird shit that happens in South Park?
• Ax-Crazy: Come on, what's wrong with wanting to kill some people once in a while? Like the time I killed Scott Tenorman's parents and fed them to him? Or when I teamed up with Cthulhu and killed all the hippies, Jews, gays and Justin Bieber?
• Author Avatar: One of the dudes upstairs (the one who does my sucky voice — seriouslah, dude, I should sound better than that!) apparently shares some of my views, like how Family Guy is one of the worst fucking cartoons ever, or how gingers have no souls.
• Batman Gambit: I pulled a truly epic one in "Scott Tenorman Must Die!".
• Be Careful What You Wish For: When I began living in a hot dog, I only wanted to move back to my former house. But then one day after Butters forced me into taking a job at an ice cream store, I decided to turn that hot dog into my own personal paradise: DikinBaus. (Hehe, DikinBaus...) But then Mem and Butters fucked me by selling it under my back and forced me back into that shitty home! GODDAMNIT I WANT DIKINBAUS! DIKINBAUS!!!!!!
• Big Bad: It sure is nice to be the bad guy. Especially when I was the Coon and got to team up with the Dark fucking Lord Cthulhu.
• Berserk Button: There's many things that pisses me off like Jews, hippies, and Jewish hippies . But to start off...
  • Don't you dare compare me to that fucking hack Seth Macfarlane and that fucking show of his.
  • How many times do I have to tell you, I'm not fucking fat!
• Big Eater: I love me some pie, KFC, and Cheesy Poofs, and goddammit you can't have any!
• Big Brother Mentor: Yeah, believe it or not, during my time as Grand Wizard, I taught Douchebag (who some of you know just as the New Kid or even Dovahkiin) everything he knows about how to fight and even some of what he knows about magic and I'll admit I've been a hell of alot more respectful and friendlier toward him than I have with the rest of Kupa Keep. Kahl would no doubt make you think I'm just using Douchebag for my own gain, but you'd be smart not to listen to anything that fucking lying Jewish Elf says.
• Bizarre Taste in Food: What?! Chocolate chicken pot pies, powdered donut pancake surprise and chocolate toaster pastry butterballs are real foods, and they're totally awesome! Whateva! I do what I want!
• Boisterous Weakling: I am not weak, and I'll kick your ass if you—AHHH! (trips and falls on his face) MEEEEEEMMMMMM!
• Boob-Based Gag: I had a surgery to give myself fake boobs. They were originally planned for Mom, but she is acting crazy since we moved to the hot dog and refused to go along with my plan to get us out of the hot dog stand. Just to clarify, this was not a choice!
• Breakout Character: Originally, I was just that Big-Boned Kid sharing the spotlight with those other guys, but I turned out to be so much kewler than them that I became the most popular character on the show! I mean who's your favorite character? (imitating high-pitched stupid voice: Oh, I dunno, is it Stan? is it Kahl?) Wrong! It's me!
• Broken Pedestal: Ha! you better believe the New Kid used to really hold me on a pedestal! They thought of me as a great friend and mentor. They could easily tell you themself! (at least they would if they started talking). BUT! New Kid suddenly decided they didn't want anything to do with me anymore, all because they thought I was Mitch Conner, the crime boss who kidnapped their parents, come on, New Kid! you of all people should know I'm not him!
• Butt-Monkey: It's not fair! I am the nicest kid in the world and all this bad shit happens to me for no good reason!
• Can't Stand Them, Can't Live Without Them:
  • I threw a party when Kahl moved away, but then I had to deal with Butters and he makes a crappy replacement Jew! (Seriouslah, he's not even Jewish!) And then there was the time Kahl saved me and Dogpoo after Snooki raped us. So I guess he's good for something.
  • Also Kyyyinny. I hate him too, but if he's not around, then I can't make fun of him for being poor anymore. And because it makes ME the poorest kid in skewl!
• Character Catchphrase: I've got a few;
  • "Screw You Guys, I'm going home!"
  • "Suck my balls!"
  • "I'll kick you in the nuts!" or "I'll kick you squah in the nuts!"
• Cool House: I used to live in DikinBaus, which was lame until I redecorated it, but Butters and mom decided to fuck me over and sold it under my back in order to move me to my former shittier house.
• The Corrupter: I manipulated my former girlfriend Heidi into being just like me! Unfortunately, I may have made a mistake in doing that...
• Crazy Homeless Person: I bet KAHL paid you to say that I will end like this!
• Dirty Coward: I am not a coward! When I start I fight will got at to my last breath!
• Disproportionate Retribution:
  • NO, killing Scott Tenorman's parents, chopping them up, putting them into chili, and feeding them to him was NOT disproportionate retribution! It was a very VALID retribution after the ASSHOLE stole SIXTEEEN DOLLARS AND TWELVE CENTS and BURNED IT ALL RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME! Goddamn it, I fucking HATE SCOTT TENORMAN!
  • I poisoned Billy's lunch milk and told him that the only way he could get the cure is that he could hacksaw his leg, all because he called me chubby.
• Does Not Like Spam: Why else did I team up with Cthulhu to destroy that organic crap factory that is Whole Foods? Ironically, when PC Principal first became principal of my skewl, he and Stan's dad had Whole Foods brought to our town, and not once had I complained about it throughout the entire season, even when its presence made it too expensive for anyone to live there.
• Elimination Catch Phrase: So you didn't have what it takes to replace Kyyyinny in our group, did ya? To that, I say... "Get the fudge out!"
• Even Evil Has Standards:
  • Shooting people in the dick, Butters? What the hell?! THAT'S WRAAAAAAUNG!! I also can't stand cats being tortured, minorities, yes, but never cats!
  • Those Super Adventure Club guys are just fucking sick! I have done a lot of stuff to people, but I was just as horrified by those pedophile freaks as everyone else was. And let's not even get started with my brief stint with NAMBLA!
  • Kyyyinny getting high is just wrong so I tried to stop him.
  • I was also completely willing to give the pangolin to the scientist for a COVID-19 cure, only for that god dammed prick President Garrison to show up and burn those two alive with his flamethrower!
  • When everybody at skewl saw Tweek constantly going mental, even I wondered what the hell his parents do to him.
• Evil Cannot Comprehend Good: What do you mean I can't understand being nice?! I wore a nice sweater didn't I? I also don't get why the others felt remorse after we framed Butters for TP'ing the art teacher's house, we got away with it didn't we?
• Evil Is Hammy: Disagree with the "large" part, but agree that I'm deliciously mean!
• Farts on Fire:
  • One time, I couldn't stop farting fire out of my ass. It was really goddamn painful. The other guys say the fire was shot out from a malfunctioning anal probe that some aliens inserted into my ass for some kinda "Truman Show" Plot, but I say it was all those extra spicy tamales Chef made.
  • Now, I used to think this was bullcrap that only happened in "Terrance And Phillip," so Kyyyinny bet me a hundred bucks that he could do it. And he showed that, yes, you can light a fart on fire. Who knew? Then the dumbass lit himself on fire and burned to death, which was pretty sweet, 'cause that meant I didn't need to pay him.
• Fat Bastard: Hey, fuck you! I'm not fat, I'm — *ahem* I mean, this trope is subverted. I may be a bastard, and boy do I love being one, but I'm not fat. At all. Ever. I'm just big-boned. Capische?
• Fountain of Expies: Okay so I got a couple of knockoffs trying to steal my thing:
  • First is this wannabe named Gus who came from that lame boy robot show. Awesom-O's far kewler and that's that.
  • Then there's that chick called Power from that kewl manga about a dude who sprouts chainsaws from his face and arms. who they say is basically me if I was a chick and a devil. She also happens to like cats. That's kinda kewl, I guess. Unfortunately she gets killed by that fuckin' Control Devil bitch and what's worse is that cunt gets to be reborn while Power stays dead. Not kewl! One day I'm gonna find Tatsuki Fujimoto's address, go to Japan, and KICK HIM IN THE FUCKIN' NUTS OR MAKE HIM EAT SASHIMI FROM HIS DEAD PARENTS UNTIL HE BRINGS BACK POWER!
• The Friend No One Likes: Those other guys can't stand me because they know I'm so much better than they are. That's fine, 'cause I don't like them either!
• Future Loser:
  • Where the hell did you get the idea that I'm going to grow up to be a crappy mechanic? Because I told that one butthole off who claimed he was my future self? Screw you and screw him! That was just a trick by those assholes at Motivation Corp after I smeared poop all over their walls!
  • Apparently, this is averted and my real future is to get a hot wife, kewl, and become a...Jewish rabbi?! WHAT THE HELL IS THIS BULLCRAP?!!
  • Okay, looks like that was false. My real, real future is to be...some poor homeless drunk?! KAHL, SERIOUSLAH, HAVE YOU BEEN MESSING WITH MY TROPE PAGE?! I am going to kick you in the nuts for this!
• Groin Attack: Don't piss me off or else I'll kick you in the nyuts!
• I Am Big Boned: I'm also getting in shape. In fact, I am buff. Festively plump, even. I just haven't grown into my body yet. But it's a sweet hockey body. In the end, no matter how you slice it, I am in no way fat. You can't slim down bones, stupid. BEEFCAKE!
• Jerkass: I was the fuckin' PAGE IMAGE for that trope for a REEEEASON!
• Jerkass Has a Point:
  • A lot of viewers agree with me when I said that Family Guy is a piece of shit.
  • When the town outlawed cats, I was the only person to acknowledge that the cats were innocent creatures who didn't do anything wrong.
• Karmic Butt-Monkey: Oh fuck you, TV Tropes! I bet Kahl paid you in Jew Gold to make that trope!
• Last-Name Basis: All the other kids except for Butters just call me Cartman. Only Butters and adults call me Eric. I'm kewl with it either way. Just don't call me fat!!!
• Manipulative Bastard: Remember the time I pretended I was Butters on the phone and cussed out his parents, and they came home and kicked his ass? Ah, good times. I wish you could bottle that feeling. And the time I convinced him the world ended so I could go to Casa Bonita instead of him? And then I almost got a Family Guy episode pulled except then that stupid Jew Kahl showed up and ruined everything!
• Metaphorgotten: While I was arguing about taking a moral stand on issues back when me and the guys had our own start-up company, Kahl claimed that I mix up NFL players molesting little boys and Catholic Church clergymen beating up their wives in an elevator. I say they're the same thing!
• The Napoleon: Who are you calling short, dickhead?! I'll kick your ass!
• Narcissist: Seeing how the world really does revolve around me and what I want, can you really call me a narcissist? I mean, can you really? I mean, I was once bullied by some psychotic TV dog trainer into entertaining the laughable thought that just maybe it wasn't the case, and... Uh... And... And... And I... I-I, uh... Huh. Funny thing, really. I can't seem to remember much of that experience... Why is my nose bleeding?
• Official Couple: Guess what, bitches? I once had a girlfriend, and her name was Heidi Turner! I loved her so fucking much and I'm PISSED THAT SHE BROKE UP WITH ME!!!
• Oh, Crap!: When I found that Kahl's mom was Right Behind Me at the end of my song where I called her a big, fat, fucking bitch.
• Pet the Dog: When I learned that Chef was returning after an unexplained absence, I wanted to see him. Chef was kewl, and I was the first to suggest he might have survived falling off a cliff.
  • There's also the times where I took the New Kid under my wing. I'm always the first to welcome them into the fold and I'm the one who forged them into the badass they've become. Can you really be surprised they're among the few people who rightly respect me? Well at least they used too....
  • I love my cat, so when the town outlawed cats to keep people from getting high, I hid him up my attic to make sure he wouldn't get taken away, and gradually I started hiding even more cats. Because no living thing should be forced to hide our of fear of persecution.
  • I was moved by Stan's speech about being fed up with the fucking COVID-19 pandemic and him breaking into tears.
  • I also saved Kahl and his entire family (yes, even Super Bitch Sheila) from being killed by San Francisco choking on its own smug. Picking on Butters wasn't nearly as much fun as winding up Kahl.
  • I actually hit it off with Stan's older sister Shelley and we fucked up her ex-boyfriend. What was a twenty-year old guy doing dating a twelve-year old girl, anyway?
  • I've been fighting for years to protect my town from hippies. I'll even do free door-to-door consultations to help homeowners get rid of any hippies infesting their property. The mass hippie festival was a close call, though.
• Police Brutality: One time, I took over policing duties while Barbrady was learning how to read. And in that time, I taught everyone to RESPECT MAH AUTHORITAH!
• Politically Incorrect Villain: I just don't like Jews, and I'm not a fan of Blacks, Asians, and Hispanics either! Nowadays, since this doesn't work well, I've decided to try being PC. PSYCH! Ha-ha-ha!
• Pretty Fly for a White Guy: When I was trying to find out who my real Dad was, I dressed like a hip-hop rapper and used "Black" speech after I thought that Chef was my father. And this actually wasn't me being racist for once-I really did think I was half-Black. Thank Christ I dodged that bullet...
• Red Is Violent: I wear a red jacket and can kick anyone's asses when provoked.
• Screw This, I'm Outta Here: Whenever the guys are pissin' me off or acting lamer than usual, I just give 'em the old "Screw you guys, I'm going home."
• Secret Chaser: Back when the Coon first started his career and tried to raise awareness, this butthole calling himself Mysterion showed up and stole the glory. I suspected that someone in my class was Mysterion, since I told everyone about the Coon earlier that day. I still remember these words I uttered during my investigation: "Why do you have a picture of Mysterion in your locker, Kyyyinny? ...Unless you are Mysterion!" Well, guess what, you guys? I WAS RIGHT!! That poor piece of crap deserved to be sent juvenile hall for being a copycat! Who cares if all the other kids had pictures of him in their lockers? The point is moot now!
• Self-Fanservice: I have many adoring anime fangirls who rightfully draw me as the handsome, skinny pretty boy that I am. But as for that other thing they do with me and Kahl... well, fuck. Just read this thing that I wrote. (At least Kyyyinny seemed to enjoy the whole thing, so the dudes upstairs decided to let him be a bona fide Japanese princess. Don't ask why he wanted to be a chick too, it's just how he seemed to be rolling then.)
• Self-Fulfilling Prophecy: What the fuck do you mean my recent actions are gonna cause me to become a hobo?!
• Sharing a Body: For a while, Kyyyinny's soul was stuck in my body because his parents were too poor to give him a proper burial and his ashes looked like chocolate milk mix. It sucked balls having him inside me and I eventually had to get him out before my time ran out (whatever that means), but I did at least learn where the stupid asshole hid the ticket for the candy store shopping spree.
• Shock and Awe:
  • Well, I got this V-chip doohickey stuck inside me after I called Kahl's mom a bitch (in song!) and it just so happened to malfunction just in time for me to electrocute the everloving shit out of Saddam Hussein by swearing. Here's a taste of how I did it:
    Me: "Fuck, shit, cock, ass, titties, boner, bitch, muff, pussy, cunt, butthole, Barbra Streisand!!" [electrocutes Saddam Hussein]
  • I've also kept this ability during that time we were playing fantasy and I worked with Douchebag.
• Signature Song: I once came up with the best Christmas song ever, it's about how Kahl's mom is a stupid bitch, come on sing along everyone! *ahem* ♫ Weeeeeellll, Kahl's mom's a bitch, she's a big fat bitch, she's the biggest bitch in the whole wide world, she's a stupid bitch, if there ever was a bitch, she's a bitch to- ♫ God damn it I told you to sing ALONG!
• Sir Swears-a-Lot: My swearing can even be weaponized!
• Son of a Whore: HAIY! You will take that back RIGHT NYAH, or I will kick you in the nuts! My Mem is not a whore, she did not star in a German movie where she got pooped on, and whatever she did was because she was young and needed the money! ...What do you mean that happened last month?! SCREW YOU!
• Stock Ninja Weaponry: I managed to pick this kickass pair of sai at the Park County Fair. With them, I became Bulrag, tough brute ninja who dedicates his life to eradicating the world of hippies and who has lots and lots of powers! Kahl didn't like that of course, but screw him!
• Tempting Fate: When Chef fell off a cliff and a cougar and bear tore him to pieces, I suggested he might be okay. Then he crapped his pants.
• Troll:
  • No matter how nasty I'm feeling, it sure is damn fun to make other people feel like shit. Especially Kahl. And I've been doing this a lot longer than that Terumi jackoff ^note 
    Terumi: You wanna go at it, you fat little pigshit?! Waitaminute, I don't have to, 'cuz I'm not the one eating a spooge burrito! HA! Oh yeah I WILL tell Heidi about your past! Oh wait she dumped your Fat Ass! I may be dead in my own series but at least I'm not a filthy hobo in the future wallowing in his own shit, piss, puke, smegma, and cum! HA HA HA!!! Nice tits, BTW! HA HA HA HA HA HA!.
  • But I am NOT Skankhunt42. I bet it's Kahl's dad, that fucking Jew asshole lawyer!
• Took a Level in Jerkass: After Scott Tenorman fucked me over for the last time, and I gave him what for, I decided that nobody was gonna stop ME from doing WHAT I want WHEN I want!
• Took a Level in Kindness: So in recent years, I've been trying to calm down from my evil ways. I even told Kahl that I just am not into these old shenanigans anymore. I just hope TrollTrace.com and Heidi's emoji analysis don't force my past to catch up with me...
• The Virus: Just a while back, I started on my own commentary channel on YouTube called "CartmanBrah", where I comment on people commenting on games, then branching out to commentary on people commenting on other stuff. I soon developed a following, and I bolstered it with a holiday special with live tweeting and everything, to the point where my CartmanBrah commenter window was everywhere. Unfontunately, just as I was on my way into becoming The Singularity, Kahl and his stupid "#WeBelieveInYou" hashtag ruined everything, and God damned PewDiePie showed up and deleted my holiday special in favor of Call Of Duty commentary!
• Villainous Rescue: I once saved Kahl from dying in a smug storm, even at risk to my own life. Don't get the wrong idea, I didn't do it because I liked him, I did it because like Stan said, I can't go on without Kahl to rank on.
• Vitriolic Best Buds: I hate Stan, Kyyyinny and especially Kahl, and they hate me right back, but we still hang out. They all want to hang out with me because I'm the kewlest kid in South Park, and I let them because of how kewl I am.
• Vocal Evolution: My voice was higher-pitched and more nasally in the early days of South Park. I guess that's what seventeen years of bitching around (and never growing up) does to ya.
• Wise Beyond Their Years: I may not have grown my pubes yet, but I'm so much more mature than all the other kids my age. It's why I keep trying to make more mature friends, even if they keep turning out to be sick perverts.
• Your Mom: As you found out from the episode "The Poor Kid", I'm quite good at 'Yo Mama'. Especially the 'Yo Mama So Poor' jokes toward kids in skewl poorer than me — even Kyyyinny! His Mama So Poor she hangs toilet paper out to dry! *laughs maniacally* But don't think this means you can take a shot at my meeem!!!

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On a final note: Screw you tropers, I'm going home.

• You're dephbpbphpicable.

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