Quotes: Viewers Are Morons

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    film - live action 

"Listen. The yucks who look at television don't know the difference between Ernest Hemingway and Huntz Hall. What do they care about important writers? What they want is shows where one guy kicks another guy in the belly while a dame leans over 'em with her cakes falling out of her negligee. Or domestic comedies where the whole family gets together to screw gruff old Dad. Or quiz shows where people get put in isolation booths and develop coronary occlusion before your very eyes ... Important writers! Remember when NBC tried to beef up their Sunday nights with important writers? Plays by Robert Sherwood—Thornton Wilder—Ferenc Molnar. Important enough for you? ... So what happened? I'll tell you what: forty million people nearly broke off their dials turning back to Ed Sullivan to watch a dog fart 'The Star-Spangled Banner!'"

Russell: Kids can spot phonies; they're very smart.
Noah Vanderhoff: Kids know dick. I watch 'em in my arcades. They stand there like rats hittin' the feeder bar to get a food pellet. As long as they keep pumpin' in the quarters, who gives a shit, right?

You people! If there isn't a movie about it, it's not worth knowing, is it?!
Metatron, Dogma

    literature 

'I asked Mr Vann which O levels you need to write situation comedy for television. Mr Vann said you don't need qualifications at all, you just need to be a moron."
The Secret Diary of Adrian Mole Aged 13¾

    live-action tv 

Myra: Will people know who Rudyard Kipling is?
Sean/Beverly: Yes.
Myra: Are you sure?
Beverly: Do you know who he is?
Myra: ...The writer guy?
Beverly: There you go! See? People aren't as stupid as you might think!

"Why are we even going after this idiot demographic?"

    music 

You goin' over niggas' heads Lu (Dumb it down)
They tellin' me that they don't feel you (Dumb it down)
We ain't graduate from school nigga (Dumb it down)
Them big words ain't cool nigga (Dumb it down)
Yeah I heard Mean And Vicious nigga (Dumb it down)
Make a song for the bitches nigga (Dumb it down)
We don't care about the weather nigga (Dumb it down)
You'll sell more records if you (Dumb it down)''
Lupe Fiasco, Dumb it Down

Give the People what they want
And they'll get what they deserve

    podcasts 

Jay: There's this line from Yaphat Kotto where he says, "ASH WAS A GODDAMN ANDROID!" He says it offscreen; it's ADR'ed. And that's the studio saying, "We need to explain what this milk man is. They're not gonna get that he's a robot."
Mike: "They're gonna think he's just filled with cum."
Rich: "He's not an android, he was just very gay. Very, very gay."
Half in the Bag riffs Alien (1979)

    web animation 

"I found that the greatest danger was overthinking things. 'what is the most relevant fact?' the game might ask, listing everything we have established from blundering around the given scene. 'Hmm' thinks I, 'well, perhaps the fact that the victim was killed with their own gun, indicating that the perpetrator probably hadn’t premeditated the crime. That seems like the biggest lead at present. Was that what I was supposed to click on?'"

*BUZZER*

"No, lose a point...the most relevant fact in the murder case was the fact that 'somebody got murdered ', which I thought had only been put on the list for completeness’ sake! The game does shit like this quite a few times. Have you had any ambition to challenge us with actual deductive puzzles? or are you just content to poke us every twenty minutes so we don’t fall asleep?"

(Haruhi finds Renge crying)
Haruhi: Why are you crying?
Renge: Ouran: The Vaguely Abridged Series fans are idiots!
Haruhi: That's pretty much required for enjoying it, you know!
Ouran: The Vaguely Abridged Seriesnote 

    web original 

"The more substance and talking points you have in a show, the less attention you'll pay to the commercial break. Your mind would be too busy digesting and pondering the new information that was just received. U.S. media just can't have that. That would be a bullet in the heart of consumerism, capitalism, and the American Dream."
Cody Wayne, "Interesting Motherfuckers: Bill Hicks"

"The 'wealth gap' we often hear about is equaled by the 'intelligence gap' that is kept secret...Instead of creating better ads, you destroy the type of thinking that resists ads. Instead of creating superior products, you emotionally cripple people to the point where they feel secretly desperate to buy your product simply in order to feel normal and accepted by society."

"In any case, we felt *action* should be emphasized over *plot* — especially avoiding any complicated story line — to ensure the success of this series with its intended viewers."

Dane Cook: Why do they call bananas bananas? Shouldn't they be called FUNanas because they're fun and they're full of deliciousness? Isn't that like the point of eating a banana? Well that's why I eat a banana now STEP OFF!
Retarded audience: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!! That Dane Cook.....

"The first clue is the hilarious profusion of clocks inside the TARDIS. Part of this is a matter of packing in the “he’s British!” signifiers, which, in American, means having him wear a frock coat and be old-fashioned, so lots of clocks and candles in the TARDIS. But it also is the most crassly literal-minded interpretation of 'Time Lord' imaginable. The Doctor has a TARDIS full of clocks to demonstrate that he’s a Time Lord, and for no other reason."

"Cut back to the (sigh) vampire chicks drinking it up and talking about how wonderful they all are... Buffy, just for fun, smacks Lana across the room and down the stairs, killing her. That's a KO. She comes back from the dead, of course, amazingly happy that she'll live forever. Such extrapolation, I mean, I'm serious. No one would have known vampires live forever without that extrapolating dialogue."
Neal Bailey on Smallville ("Thirst")

"Why do the writers feel the need to point out that this episode is about Neelix by him suddenly becoming flavour of the month in the pre-credits sequence? It's like they don’t trust us to think that he is invaluable without showing us. Seriously, every bugger and his dog needs him for something in the opening five minutes! It would a far better jolt to the system had he fallen ill in the course of a normal episode. If you treat the audience like idiots you get an idiotic audience."
Joe Ford on Star Trek: Voyager, "Mortal Coil"

"See, because in America, all anyone understands is farting and the nuanced humor of Larry The Cable Guy. It's why Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone was renamed Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone, because studios are convinced you're one retarded spasm away from flopping into a river and drowning because the mittens pinned to your coat caught on a log at all times."

"Our story begins in the near future of 2017, during the Second American Civil War, which we know because the producers are kind enough to give us an opening crawl... We’re also told that Steel Harbor is 'the last Free City,' whatever the hell that means. Incidentally, in case you wandered in late, Barb Wire herself will give us this exact same information after the opening sequence. Can’t decide whether to do a crawl or have your main character do a voiceover? Do both!"
Chris Sims and Matt Wilson on Barb Wire

"A handy subtitle tells us that this is 'Jamaica, Caribbean — 1668.' Wow. Gee, thanks. I would have never guessed which Jamaica this is without the clue. Being a pirate movie and all, maybe it's set in the Jamaica found in the Mediterranean or Jamaica, Sea of Japan. I'm just in a bad mood."

"There was a cynical chuckle I heard when Synecdoche, New York ended. A chuckle I am familiar with due to my frequent trips to the theaters. It was a chuckle as if to say "What did I get into? Boy that Charlie Kaufman is a goofball! This movie was so terrible and confusing, I missed out on NASCAR and my Everybody Loves Raymond re-runs for this. You dragged me to see this art house crap? I never passed the third grade."

Yup, that chuckle said all that."

"Remember how in Sons of Liberty Raiden was supposed to represent the player? It's no unforseen accident that he became unpopular. Kojima wanted to leave the series on a question mark, forcing players to examine and re-examine the game from every angle, until they found the deeper messages hidden between the lines. But, unfortunately for him, he overestimated the intelligence of his fanbase... This is where Raiden's transformation becomes iconic. Instead of listening to the advice of Snake, Raiden continued to allow his past to haunt him and determine his future. He didn't take a new name, start over, or see Rose for what she was. Likewise, players refused to give MGS2 a second chance and find the deeper meanings; in this sense, Raiden still represents the player... Seeing that his preaching was in vain, Kojima gave up on enlightening the players (like Snake gave up on Philanthropy,) and simply let Raiden become a badass killing machine with a big manly dick. Awesome!"

"The car now re-entered the main hall, but to Sarah’s surprise the decor had changed. Gone were the gothic furnishings of the haunted house, and in their place was a glitzy high school prom. Davina and Neve were nowhere to be seen, but standing in the centre of the stage were a young couple, smiling and waving ecstatically to the audience. The guy was sporting a flashy suit and an outdated perm, while the girl had straight sandy hair and a billowing white dress. “Carrie”, whispered Sarah to herself."

    web video 

Director Stuart Baird: So Picard's clone is just like him, then?
Producer Rick Berman: Naw, that's been done too much.
Baird: So he's younger, then?
Berman: (barely awake) Yeah.
Baird: But he's got to be bald. Because if he's not bald, then the audience — even if we tell them — still won't understand the he's Picard's clone, 'cause Picard is the bald Captain. If he's not bald then no one will understand what happ—
Berman: OK, OK! He's bald.

"Good thing this can of spay paint turned into a 'Small Objects' when I picked it up. I'd hate to actually think for myself about whether a spray can of paint was small."
George Weidman on Rage

Gabriel: Marketers are mostly idiots.
Yahtzee: Welllll... you say that, but people are also idiots, so marketers know what they're talking about. Send a thief to catch a thief.

"The comic decides to inform us that a UFO stands for Unidentified Flying Object. And y'know, I do think they did need that, since the only people who would enjoy this comic have a brain about the size of a seamonkey."
Linkara, in his review of Adventures of the Kool-Aid Man #1

    western animation 

God: You people! This isn't new stuff! It's written in books, scrolls, stone tablets! What do you want me to do, scribble it down on a bar napkin for you?
Bob: Would you? Because that would really help!

Don't theorize, accessorize!
From an early ad for Bratz dolls.

Fry: Married? Jenny can't get married.
Leela: Why not? It's clever, it's unexpected.
Fry: But that's not why people watch TV. Clever things make people feel stupid, and unexpected things make them feel scared.

You kids don't know what you want! That's why you're still kids — 'cause you're stupid!
The Simpsons, "The Itchy & Scratchy & Poochy Show"

    real life 

"It is simplicity that makes the uneducated more effective than the educated when addressing popular audiences."

"There's a sucker born every minute."
Not P.T. Barnum

"All propaganda must be popular and its intellectual level must be adjusted to the most limited intelligence among those it is addressed to. Consequently, the greater the mass it is intended to reach, the lower its purely intellectual level will have to be. But if, as in propaganda for sticking out a war, the aim is to influence a whole people, we must avoid excessive intellectual demands on our public, and too much caution cannot be extended in this direction."
Adolf Hitler telling it like it is, Mein Kampf

"Yes, in those days plays were literally melo-dramas; dramas with musical accompaniment somewhat on the order of the Warner Bros. movie music of the day which drove Bette Davis wild... halfway up the stairs Bette stopped and turned to fix the director, Irving Rapper, with her famed steely gaze. "Now tell me, Irving, before I waste any more time on acting, who is going up these stairs to die, me or Max Steiner?" Like most of the great actresses she hated the schmaltzy movie music that was added later by some director-editor in order to nudge—shove—the audience into sobs or laughter."
Gore Vidal on the making of Dark Victory, Point to Point Navigation

"Gotta love April Fools Day. Not that that's going to stop any of you from e-mailing me about this comic thinking it's real."
Duke, regarding one strip of Ansem Retort

"You know why my show is good? Because the network officials say you're not smart enough to get what I'm doing, and every day I fight for you. I tell them how smart you are. Turns out, I was wrong. You people are stupid."
Dave Chappelle after being drowned out at a stand-up show by the audience screaming "I'm Rick James, bitch!"

"People aren't as stupid as you think, they're even stupider."
Stig 'Stikkan' Anderson, Former manager of ABBA

"Their stupidity does not amaze me, its when they're smart that amazes me. It's baffling whenever you find someone who's smart; incredible. Soon you'll have zoos for such things."

"I've already got your money, dude."
Charlie Sheen to a heckler, Torpedo of Truth comedy tour

"We had so many smart fans that bought into it hook, like and sinker...That's the beauty of it. Whenever anyone tells me they're a smart mark, I say, "Yeah, but the key word there, still, is that you're a mark.""
Shane Douglas, Forever Hardcore: The Documentary

"The main characters in Ready To Rumble, a mainstream movie about wrestlers that supposedly catered to wrestling fans, were portrayed as the dumbest human beings walking the planet. Advertisers shied away from buying time on wrestling shows because they believed wrestling fans were dumber and poorer than the average buyer."
R. D. Reynolds and Bryan Alvarez, The Death of WCW