Calm-eyed he scoffs at Sword and Crown,
Or, panic-blinded, stabs and slays:
Blatant he bids the world bow down,
Or cringing begs a crust of praise
— An American by Rudyard Kipling
Coca-Cola, sometimes war
Good morning USA:
I've got a feeling that it's gonna be a wonderful day!
The sun in the sky has a smile on his face
And he's shining a salute to the American race
Oh boy it's swell to say:
Good morning USA!
—Stan Smith, singing American Dad!'s theme song.
We're called "The Heartland", not very smart-land
IQ's are very low but threat levels are high
I hate to generalize, but have you seen the thighs?
Most haven't seen their genitalia in a while
Skyscrapers bloom in America
Cadillacs zoom in America
Industry boom in America
Twelve to a room in America!
"How I love the life I lead
Cannot think and cannot read
Watch our values slip away
Play the game of USA!"
—Peter Schilling, "Let's Play USA"
We're all stickin' together
in the fields where we don't belong
— Heaven's Gate, "America"
"History began on July 4, 1776. Everything before that was a mistake."
—Ron Swanson, Parks and Recreation
"Thomas Jefferson is an American saint because he wrote the words 'All men are created equal', words he clearly didn't believe since he allowed his own children to live in slavery. He's a rich white snob who's sick of paying taxes to the Brits. So, yeah, he writes some lovely words and aroused the rabble and they went and died for those words while he sat back and drank his wine and fucked his slave girl. This guy wants to tell me we're living in a "community"? Don't make me laugh. I'm living in America, and in America you're on your own. America's not a country, it's just a business. Now fuckin' pay me."
— Jackie Cogan, Killing Them Softly
"America has become a cruel and vicious place. We reward the shallowest, the dumbest, the meanest and the loudest. We no longer have any common sense of decency. No sense of shame. There is no right and wrong. The worst qualities in people are looked up to and celebrated. Lying and spreading fear is fine as long as you make money doing it."
Donna Moss: It was people pushing paper around fifty years ago. Why does it matter?
Sam Seaborn: It was high treason, and it mattered a great deal. This country is an idea, and one that's lit the world for two centuries. And treason against that idea is not just a crime against the living. This ground holds the graves of people who died for it, who gave what Lincoln called the last full measure of devotion, of fidelity.
— The West Wing, "Somebody's Going to Emergency, Somebody's Going to Jail"
Saki: Take it easy. We have a cop here, you know.
American Soldier: Oh yeah? Well, we have the fucking American constitution, bitch!
Saki: Well, then it's easy. (Draws guns and blows him away)
— Gun Crazy: A Woman From Nowhere
The Doctor: (to Secret Service agents) You think you can just shoot me?
River Song: They're Americans!!
The Doctor: DON'T SHOOT ME, DEFINITELY DON'T SHOOT ME!
—Doctor Who, "The Impossible Astronaut"
Edgar: Alright, one question: How are we gonna stop a load of kids from beating the crap outta each other?
Jimmy Hopkins: It's America! We go in there with threats and bribes until we get what we want. If all else fails we beat the crap out of everyone!
Russel: Russell likes to hurt people, for peace!
"When you buy an import, you take a hot meal off a hard working American’s table. (infant cries) There, there. This poor girl is going to starve to death, just because you bought a cheaper, more efficient Maibatsu. Without gross symbols of excess, what will Americans have to look up to? Our great industries are threatened: Cars, pornography, armaments! And they need your help! So the next time you buy a car, a piece of adult literature or a missile defense system, make sure you do the American thing."
— "Buy American" radio advert, Grand Theft Auto: Vice City
Leela: Look, I know there are no car chases, but this is important. One of these two men will become president of the world.
Fry: What do we care? We live in the United States.
Leela: The United States is part of the world.
Fry: Wow, I have been gone a long time.
"Somewhere in communist Russia I'll bet there's a little boy who has never known anything but censorship and oppression. But maybe he's heard about America, and he dreams of living in this land of freedom and opportunity! Someday, I'd like to meet that little boy ... and tell him the awful TRUTH about this place!!"
Stephen Fry: What's the right word for someone who's from the USA?
Johnny Vegas: Obese?
Graeme Garden: Is it 'burger-eating invasion monkey'?
"You aren't American! You don't even have a flag on your head!"
Helga: Americans are great people!
Pöysti: Americans are idiots.
Routalempi: Yeah, that's so true.
Pöysti: Now, don't generalise, there are lots of smart people there too. (gets a flat stare from everybody) What?!
Ken: You from the States?
Jimmy: Yeah. Try not to hold it against me.
Ken: I'll try not to. Just try not to say anything too loud or crass.
"We're (Americans are) dicks! We're reckless, arrogant, stupid dicks. And the Film Actors Guild are pussies. And Kim Jong Il is an asshole. Pussies don't like dicks, because pussies get fucked by dicks. But dicks also fuck assholes: assholes who just want to shit on everything. Pussies may think they can deal with assholes their way. But the only thing that can fuck an asshole is a dick, with some balls. The problem with dicks is that sometimes they fuck too much or fuck when it isn't appropriate — and it takes a pussy to show them that. But sometimes, pussies get so full of shit that they become assholes themselves ... because pussies are only an inch and half away from assholes. I don't know much about this crazy, crazy world, but I do know that if you don't let us fuck this asshole, we're going to have our dicks and pussies all covered in shit!"
—Gary, Team America: World Police
"Just in case you accidentally wander into a voting booth one day, there's some things you should know. And one of them is there's absolutely no evidence to support the statement that we're the greatest country in the world. We're 7th in literacy, 27th in math, 22nd in science, 49th in life expectancy, 178th in infant mortality, 3rd in median household income, number 4 in labor force, and number 4 in exports. We lead the world in only 3 categories: number of citizens per capita, number of adults who believe angels are real, and defense spending, where we spend more than the next 26 countries combined. 25 of whom are allies. Now, none of this is the fault of a 20 year old college student. But you, nonetheless, are without a doubt a member of the worst. generation. ever. So when you ask, "what makes us the greatest country in the world?" I dunno know what the fuck you're talking about.
—Will's rant in The Newsroom
Darcy: It's okay, we're Americans!
Jane: Is that supposed to make them like us?
"I'm gonna rise up, I'm gonna kick a little ass gonna kick some ass in the USA gonna climb a mountain, gonna sew a flag, gonna flyyyy on an eagle! I'm gonna kick some butt, I'm gonna drive a big truck, I'm gonna rule this world gonna kick some ass gonna rise up, kick a little ass... ROCK, FLAG AND EEEEAGLLLLLLLLLLE!"
The myth of America: That simple, honest men born of her great plains and woods and skies have made a nation of her, and will prove worthy of her when the time is right. Under harsh light, it is false. But a good myth to live up to, all the same.
— Gunther Hahn, former Nazi spy, Preacher
“America has never quite forgiven Europe for having been discovered somewhat earlier in history than itself.”
“The essential American soul is hard, isolate, stoic, and a killer. It has never yet melted.”
— D.H. Lawrence, Studies in Classic American Literature
“Here is something that the psychologists have so far neglected: the love of ugliness for its own sake, the lust to make the world intolerable. Its habitat is the United States. Out of the melting pot emerges a race which hates beauty as it hates truth.”
"You can always count on the Americans to do the right thing after everything else has been tried."
"I have come to believe that our natures are so predetermined that Nixon could do no other than be his uneasy self, committed to mischief, acting and talking like a sleepwalker in a surreal dream: 'American troops have just entered Cambodia. This is not an invasion.' More to the point, the fact that so few Americans ever noted the chasm between his words and deeds was always proof to me that he was, in a curious way, the quintessential American, indifferent to — when aware of — cause and effect, acting only to further his own career, which meant that he was sometimes capable of doing the right thing for the wrong reasons."
"More than anything else, we Americans are afraid of each other."
— Wendell Phillips
"We cannot commit a crime. It's contradiction in terms. Anything we do is by necessity not only right, but noble. Therefore, there can't be a crime... Almost nobody, including me, dared to criticize the U.S. attack on South Vietnam. That's like talking Hittite. Nobody even understood the words. They still don't."
"America is a country that has been skating for ages on its unparalleled ability to look marvelous on the outside."
"The governor of Texas, who, when asked if the Bible should also be taught in Spanish, replied that 'if English was good enough for Jesus, then it's good enough for me."
— Christopher Hitchens
"This country wasn't built on moral fiber. This country was built on rape, slavery, murder, degradation and affiliation with crime."
"We (the USA) are simultaneously the most hated, loved, feared and admired nation on this planet. In short, we are Frank Sinatra."
"You know what I'm gonna do? I'm gonna get myself a 1967 Cadillac El Dorado convertible, hot pink with whaleskin hub caps and all leather cow interior and big brown baby seal eyes for headlights, yeah! And I'm gonna drive around in that baby at 115mph getting one mile per gallon, sucking down quarter pounder cheese burgers from McDonald's in the old-fashioned non-biodegradable styrofoam containers and when I'm done sucking down those grease ball burgers, I'm gonna wipe my mouth with the American flag and then I'm gonna toss the styrofoam container right out the side and there ain't a God damned thing anybody can do about it. You know why? Because we got the bombs, that's why!"
— Denis Leary, "Asshole"
"Now when we think of countries with political histories that make your brain hurt, what is the first one that comes to mind? ...aside from mine."
—The Nostalgia Chick note
"Some intensely charismatic psycho founds his own religion, persuades people that he has all the answers to the problems of existence, moves them all into a secluded commune, and has them submit to baffling devotional practices. Itoi must have noticed that this sort of thing happens fairly often the States."
"I don't think America is populated entirely by assholes and cowboys; I know that some Canadians live there, too."
"Could somebody please invade America? I know it's not exactly prime real estate and can just about produce corn and shitty TV, but someone really needs to help them blow off some steam. It's hard not to look all all these war games about Russia invading America and not be reminded of fanfiction. America is a fat teenage virgin lying on her front on her bed staring up at her Edward and Bella poster while crossing and uncrossing her ankles and dreamily writing creepy stories about having filthy monkey sex with the quiet, Eastern European boy down the road. And the child psychologist hired by her concerned parents gives the following advice: "What this girl needs is a good hard dicking!"
"So, Americans, then. Self-appointed vigilante defenders of the world, kind of like Superman, if Superman was retarded and only fought crime when he felt like it."
"Asking after my wellbeing is like asking after the wellbeing of someone in Sweden because a fire broke out in Portugal. Yes alright, Americans, go and look up where those countries are, I'll wait. (In reference to the fires in Victoria, Australia, 12 February 2009)"
"'Medium,' 'Large' and 'King Size'? What the fuck is that? How the fuck can 'Medium' be the smallest? Do you even know what the word 'Medium' means? This is why you're all so fat, you bunch of road sign-shooting Yankee pillocks."''
—Ben "Yahtzee" Croshaw, five separate quotes