Quotes: Eagleland

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God is an American.
David Bowie, "I'm Afraid of Americans"

Good morning USA:
I've got a feeling that it's gonna be a wonderful day!
The sun in the sky has a smile on his face
And he's shining a salute to the American race
Oh boy it's swell to say:
Good morning USA!
Stan Smith, singing American Dad!'s theme song.

History began on July 4, 1776. Everything before that was a mistake.
Ron Swanson, Parks and Recreation

I'm gonna rise up, I'm gonna kick a little ass gonna kick some ass in the USA gonna climb a mountain, gonna sew a flag, gonna flyyyy on an eagle! I'm gonna kick some butt, I'm gonna drive a big truck, I'm gonna rule this world gonna kick some ass gonna rise up, kick a little ass... ROCK, FLAG AND EEEEAGLLLLLLLLLLE!

You can get far in North America with laconic grunts. 'Huh,' 'hun,' and 'hi!' in their various modulations, together with 'sure,' 'guess so,' 'that so?' and 'nuts!' will meet almost any contingency.

Socialism never took root in America because the poor see themselves not as an exploited proletariat but as temporarily embarrassed millionaires.

You know, the average Chinese factory worker must think Americans are insane. Picture this: you work at a plant that makes Halloween stuff—you know, like, rubber severed heads. And you're all like: Americans decorate their homes with severed heads? These fuckers are savages, man.
Daniel Suarez, Daemon

I am strongly of the opinion that the great majority of people will always find these are the moving impulses of our life. But it is only those who do not understand our people, who believe that our national life is entirely absorbed by material motives. We make no concealment of the fact that we want wealth, but there are many other things that we want much more. We want peace and honor, and that charity which is so strong an element of all civilization. The chief ideal of the American people is idealism.

Americans like the cowboy...This amazing, romantic character suits me precisely because to be alone has always been part of my style or, if you like, my technique.
Henry Kissinger, 1972 Interview

In America, the professor talks to the mechanic. They are in the same category.
Noam Chomsky

We got so much food in America we're allergic to food. Allergic to food! Hungry people ain't allergic to shit. You think anyone in Rwanda's got a fucking lactose intolerance?

Yes, she hates EVERYTHING about America. This is the country that gave us Dynasty, Bea Arthur (it’s my second Bea Arthur reference of the day, because she is my religion and I have a quota to fill), vaporizer pioneer Bill Amato and Andy Capp’s Hot Fries. And yet, she still hates EVERYTHING? I cannot.
Michael K., "Azealia Banks Hates Everything About America"

    Flavor 2 Quotes 

And America is now blood and tears instead of milk and honey.
Gil Scott-Heron, "Comment #1"

Well maybe I'm the faggot America
I'm not a part of a redneck agenda
Now everybody do the propaganda
And sing along to the age of paranoia

Oh, the poor folks hate the rich folks
And the rich folks hate the poor folks
All of
my folks hate all of your folks
It's American as apple pie
Tom Lehrer, "National Brotherhood Week"

Someday we'll have one extra coastline
We'll tire of the Atlantic
By then we'll be rid of your lot
A shot heard 'round the world will soon be shot
'Til then have some tea and tobacco
Hey Jenny, meet your master
Be nice, show him kindness and such
Be kind to our master
Sparks, "Hospitality on Parade"

How I love the life I lead
Cannot think and cannot read
Watch our values slip away
Play the game of USA!
Peter Schilling, "Let's Play USA"

McDonalds, FUCK YEAH!
Wal-Mart, FUCK YEAH!
Baseball, FUCK YEAH!
Rock and roll, FUCK YEAH!
The Internet, FUCK YEAH!
Slavery, FUCK YEAH!
Team America: World Police, "America, Fuck Yeah"

You know what I'm gonna do? I'm gonna get myself a 1967 Cadillac El Dorado convertible, hot pink with whaleskin hub caps and all leather cow interior and big brown baby seal eyes for headlights, yeah! And I'm gonna drive around in that baby at 115mph getting one mile per gallon, sucking down quarter pounder cheese burgers from McDonald's in the old-fashioned non-biodegradable styrofoam containers and when I'm done sucking down those grease ball burgers, I'm gonna wipe my mouth with the American flag and then I'm gonna toss the styrofoam container right out the side and there ain't a God damned thing anybody can do about it. You know why? Because we got the bombs, that's why!
Denis Leary, "Asshole"

Calm-eyed he scoffs at Sword and Crown,
Or, panic-blinded, stabs and slays:
Blatant he bids the world bow down,
Or cringing begs a crust of praise
An American by Rudyard Kipling

Bob: This is harassment, pure and simple!
Canadian Patrolman: Sorry, sir, but you fit the profile. "Mindless Belligerence" is one of our red flags.
God, the Devil and Bob, "Andy Runs Away"

Thomas Jefferson is an American saint because he wrote the words 'All men are created equal', words he clearly didn't believe since he allowed his own children to live in slavery. He's a rich white snob who's sick of paying taxes to the Brits. So, yeah, he writes some lovely words and aroused the rabble and they went and died for those words while he sat back and drank his wine and fucked his slave girl. This guy wants to tell me we're living in a "community"? Don't make me laugh. I'm living in America, and in America you're on your own. America's not a country, it's just a business. Now fuckin' pay me.
Jackie Cogan, Killing Them Softly

SCP-50-AE-J is an IMI Desert Eagle, with an American flag print grip. SCP-50-AE-J is unremarkable except for the fact that when fired, an adult bald eagle, designated SCP-50-AE-1, emerges from the barrel and attacks anyone who displays Communist beliefs, Russian ancestry, or unpatriotic leanings. SCP-50-AE-1 differs from a normal bald eagle specimen in that it not only appears to be able to detect sociopolitcal beliefs, but also can talk, usually screaming slogans such as 'Better dead than red' and 'Democracy is non-negotiable'. Investigations into the further properties of SCP-50-AE-1 have been stymied by the fact that SCP-50-AE-1 continues to attack Foundation scientists, calling them 'PINKO FUCKS'.

Nationalism! Unilateralism! Materialism! Welcome maxims for those with no faith — without guiding principles of their own. 'Give yourself up to the whole! No need to better yourself. You're American! You're Number One!'
Sen. Steve Armstrong, Metal Gear Rising: Revengeance

America has become a cruel and vicious place. We reward the shallowest, the dumbest, the meanest and the loudest. We no longer have any common sense of decency. No sense of shame. There is no right and wrong. The worst qualities in people are looked up to and celebrated. Lying and spreading fear is fine as long as you make money doing it.

This is a sacred place. Now, you may not believe that and I may not believe that, but, by God, it's a useful hypocrisy.
Linton Barwick, In the Loop

Saki: Take it easy. We have a cop here, you know.
American Soldier: Oh yeah? Well, we have the fucking American constitution, bitch!
Saki: Well, then it's easy. (Draws guns and blows him away)
Gun Crazy: A Woman From Nowhere

The Doctor: (to Secret Service agents) You think you can just shoot me?
River Song: They're Americans!!
Doctor Who, "The Impossible Astronaut"

Anya: Perusing the shelves, undressing the merchandise with their eyeballs...all ogle, no cash. It's not just annoying, it's un-American.
Giles: Yes, appalling. Almost as if they no longer think money can buy happiness.
Anya: Totally. Un-American. And you know what else is un-American? French people.
Buffy the Vampire Slayer, "Tough Love"

Edgar: Alright, one question: How are we gonna stop a load of kids from beating the crap outta each other?
Jimmy Hopkins: It's America! We go in there with threats and bribes until we get what we want. If all else fails we beat the crap out of everyone!
Russel: Russell likes to hurt people, for peace!
Bully (2006)

When you buy an import, you take a hot meal off a hard working American’s table. (infant cries) There, there. This poor girl is going to starve to death, just because you bought a cheaper, more efficient Maibatsu. Without gross symbols of excess, what will Americans have to look up to? Our great industries are threatened: Cars, pornography, armaments! And they need your help!
— "Buy American" radio advert, Grand Theft Auto: Vice City

Leela: Look, I know there are no car chases, but this is important. One of these two men will become president of the world.
Fry: What do we care? We live in the United States.
Leela: The United States is part of the world.
Fry: Wow, I have been gone a long time.

Somewhere in communist Russia I'll bet there's a little boy who has never known anything but censorship and oppression. But maybe he's heard about America, and he dreams of living in this land of freedom and opportunity! Someday, I'd like to meet that little boy ... and tell him the awful TRUTH about this place!!

I hear the real America is all strip malls and clinical obesity.
Niko Belic, Grand Theft Auto IV

Just in case you accidentally wander into a voting booth one day, there's some things you should know. And one of them is there's absolutely no evidence to support the statement that we're the greatest country in the world. We're 7th in literacy, 27th in math, 22nd in science, 49th in life expectancy, 178th in infant mortality, 3rd in median household income, number 4 in labor force, and number 4 in exports.
—Will's rant in The Newsroom

Darcy: It's okay, we're Americans!
Jane: (Is that supposed to make them like us?)

For my own part I wish the Bald Eagle had not been chosen the Representative of our Country. He is a Bird of bad moral Character. He does not get his Living honestly. You may have seen him perched on some dead Tree near the River, where, too lazy to fish for himself, he watches the Labour of the Fishing Hawk; and when that diligent Bird has at length taken a Fish, and is bearing it to his Nest for the Support of his Mate and young Ones, the Bald Eagle pursues him and takes it from him.

Britain, however, has done much amiss, and deserves all that will fall thereon. Her insolence, which you and I have known and felt more than any other Americans, will lead her to ruin and us half way. We, indeed, are, in point of insolence, her very image and superscription, as true a gamecock as she, and I warrant you, shall become as great a scourge to mankind.
John Adams in a letter to his wife

God created war so that Americans would learn geography.

America is the only country that went from barbarism to decadence without civilization in between.

America will never be destroyed from the outside. If we falter and lose our freedoms, it will be because we destroyed ourselves.

In America everybody is of the opinion that he has no social superiors, since all men are equal, but he does not admit that he has no social inferiors, for, from the time of Jefferson onward, the doctrine that all men are equal applies only upwards, not downwards.

The essential American soul is hard, isolate, stoic, and a killer. It has never yet melted.
D.H. Lawrence, Studies in Classic American Literature

We hear about constitutional rights, free speech and the free press. Every time I hear those words I say to myself, 'That man is a Red, that man is a Communist.' You never heard a real American talk in that manner.
Frank Hague, mayor of Jersey City, 1938

Every immigrant who comes here should be required within five years to learn English or leave the country.

Here is something that the psychologists have so far neglected: the love of ugliness for its own sake, the lust to make the world intolerable. Its habitat is the United States. Out of the melting pot emerges a race which hates beauty as it hates truth.

America...just a nation of two hundred million used car salesmen with all the money we need to buy guns and no qualms about killing anybody else in the world who tries to make us uncomfortable.

More than anything else, we Americans are afraid of each other.
Wendell Phillips

If we define an American fascist as one who in case of conflict puts money and power ahead of human beings, then there are undoubtedly several million fascists in the United States.
Henry A. Wallace

Americans have a severe disease — worse than AIDS. It's called the winner's complex.

You work three jobs? Uniquely American, isn't it? I mean, that is fantastic that you're doing that.
George W. Bush to a divorced mother of three, Omaha, NE 2.4.05

America is a country that has been skating for ages on its unparalleled ability to look marvelous on the outside.
Matt Taibbi

The United States is the only country except for tiny Liechtenstein—a tax haven—that has more lawyers than farmers.

That's why they call it the American Dream: 'cause you have to be asleep to believe it.

Stephen Fry: What's the right word for someone who's from the USA?
Johnny Vegas: Obese?
Graeme Garden: Is it 'burger-eating invasion monkey'?

If you were in an office, and there was someone there who came in everyday and said, 'I'M THE GREATEST FUCKER HERE AND ALL YOU SNIVELING SHITS WOULD DIE WITHOUT ME! AHAHA!' I can guarantee by the end of the week, you would have killed him. And eaten him, just to try to possess his power.
Lewis Black on American Exceptionalism

The Greatest Generation gets too much credit. Those World War II guys, if they had all the shit we have today, they'd be assholes too. It's just circumstantial. It's what you're called on to do that makes you great. We haven't been called on to do anything but buy shit and get fat.

'I'm going to sell copies of my wand at an enormous markup,' Harry said, 'and you can buy one like everyone else.' Voldemort had been defeated.

'He hated us for our freedom,' Ron said.

'No, Ron," Harry said. 'He hated us for our free markets.'

An individual who believes that the white male Christian God should be the only object of worship on the planet, that power and wealth should remain in the hands of 1% of the world's population while the remaining 99% starve, that health care should be privatized so the poor can't afford basic medication, that a rape victim living on welfare should be forced to care for a baby she didn't even ask for, and that America is the only real country on Earth while all those other countries they read about are just fakes invented by communists...oh wait, it's terrorists now, isn't it?

It is a national pastime only in the sense of myopic hubris — the same sort of hubris that results in us declaring a competition in which only one team from outside of the United States competes the 'world series.'
Phil Sandifer on baseball

In my more cynical moments, I'll claim the TV ad spot is the US's only quintessential form of narrative storytelling.
Soda Pop Art, "I Don't Buy It — Commercials as Narrative and Social Entropy"

While most societies throughout history have organized themselves in order to curb natural greed, America's devoted consumers are encouraged to respect, nurture and act on the subtlest stirrings of their avarice.
John F. Schumaker, New Internationalist magazine, July 2001

America is good at lots of things, but punishment may be our greatest gift. We execute people. We jail people by the millions. If another country does something to piss us off, they get air strikes on their playgrounds. Everybody's catching hands from America. If something gets fucked up here, you better believe someone will end up punished for it, even if it's the wrong person, and even if it's the wrong punishment.
Drew Magary, GQ

With a very short history (of an invading people who slaughtered and destroyed our ancient predecessors) compared to almost every other people's and nations on Earth, we have no appreciation of what it's like to have deep, long traditions. Instead, we look at them and want to buy them.

"I don't think America is populated entirely by assholes and cowboys; I know that some Canadians live there, too."
"Could somebody please invade America? I know it's not exactly prime real estate and can just about produce corn and shitty TV, but someone really needs to help them blow off some steam. It's hard not to look all all these war games about Russia invading America and not be reminded of fanfiction. America is a fat teenage virgin lying on her front on her bed staring up at her Edward and Bella poster while crossing and uncrossing her ankles and dreamily writing creepy stories about having filthy monkey sex with the quiet, Eastern European boy down the road. And the child psychologist hired by her concerned parents gives the following advice: "What this girl needs is a good hard dicking!"
"So, Americans, then. Self-appointed vigilante defenders of the world, kind of like Superman, if Superman was retarded and only fought crime when he felt like it."
"Asking after my wellbeing is like asking after the wellbeing of someone in Sweden because a fire broke out in Portugal. Yes alright, Americans, go and look up where those countries are, I'll wait.'' (In reference to the fires in Victoria, Australia, 12 February 2009)"
"'Medium,' 'Large' and 'King Size'? What the fuck is that? How the fuck can 'Medium' be the smallest? Do you even know what the word 'Medium' means? This is why you're all so fat, you bunch of road sign-shooting Yankee pillocks."
Ben "Yahtzee" Croshaw, five separate quotes

But speaking here in my capacity as a polished, sophisticated European as well, it seems to me the laugh here is on the polished, sophisticated Europeans. They think Americans are fat, vulgar, greedy, stupid, ambitious and ignorant and so on. And they’ve taken as their own, as their representative American, someone who actually embodies all of those qualities.
Christopher Hitchens on Michael Moore's popularity in Europe.

"What you expect, running around like crazy cowboy? This not Texas, shoot off guns, pow-pow-pow, Rambo, John Wayne."
Junichiro, King of the Hill, "Returning Japanese: Part 2"

    Mixed Flavor Quotes 

"From the big church to the big river,
And out to the shining sea,
This is the land of opportunity,
And there's a monkey trial on TV!"

"A nation with their freezers full,
Are dancing in their seats.
Whilst outside another nation,
Is sleeping in the streets."
Billy Bragg, "Help Save the Youth of America"

"Coca-Cola, sometimes war"
Rammstein, "Amerika"

Skyscrapers bloom in America
Cadillacs zoom in America
Industry boom in America
Twelve to a room in America!

"There's a bright, sunny day in Chicago
There's a bright, sunny day in Chicago
Corruption's as high as an elephant's eye
And the meters cost $74.25"

We're all stickin' together
in the fields where we don't belong
Heaven's Gate, "America"

I'm a bit retarded, like most Americans.
Henry Miller, Tropic of Cancer

"One thing about Americans: we're not cut out to be occupiers. We're new at it and not very good at it."
Col. Tad Lawson, Judgment At Nuremberg

Did you know 90% of the country believes in ghosts? less than a third in evolution? 35% can correctly identify Homer Simpson's fictional town in which he resides, less than 1% knows the name Thurgood Marshall. But. When you put 12 Americans together in a jury and you ask for justice? Something just South of brilliance happens. Often as not, they get it right.

This is the only country in the world that worries about what it is... The rest of them know what they are. No one ever needs to go searching for the heart of Norway. Or looks for the soul of Mozambique. They know what they are.
— Mr. Wednesday, American Gods

Please, kids, stop fighting. Maybe Lisa's right about America being the land of opportunity, and maybe Adil's got a point about the machinery of capitalism being oiled with the blood of the workers.
Homer, The Simpsons ("The Crepes of Wrath")

The Frog: You think I'm just going to roll over for you hegemonic, Mickey Mouse-loving Americans?
Marvin: (decks him) Leave Mickey out of it!
Red 2

Baseball is our national sport—Our national pastime: Joining together as men to reward the act of running around in a circle. I will thank you not to take its name in vain, Chavez.

You aren't American! You don't even have a flag on your head!

Helga: Americans are great people!
Pöysti: Americans are idiots.
Routalempi: Yeah, that's so true.
Pöysti: Now, don't generalise, there are lots of smart people there too. (gets a flat stare from everybody) What?!

Ken: You from the States?
Jimmy: Yeah. Try not to hold it against me.
Ken: I'll try not to. Just try not to say anything too loud or crass.

The myth of America: That simple, honest men born of her great plains and woods and skies have made a nation of her, and will prove worthy of her when the time is right. Under harsh light, it is false. But a good myth to live up to, all the same.
Gunther Hahn, former Nazi spy, Preacher

'Joy cometh in the morning,' scripture tells us. I hope so. I don't know if life would be worth living if it didn't. And I don't yet know who set off the bomb at Kennison State. I don't know if it's one person or ten, and I don't know what they want. All I know for sure, all I know for certain, is that they weren't born wanting to do this. There's evil in the world, there'll always be, and we can't do anything about that. But there's violence in our schools, too much mayhem in our culture, and we can do something about that. There's not enough character, discipline, and depth in our classrooms; there aren't enough teachers in our classrooms. There isn't nearly enough, not nearly enough, not nearly enough money in our classrooms, and we can do something about that. We're not doing nearly enough, not nearly enough to teach our children well, and we can do better, and we must do better, and we will do better, and we will start this moment today! They weren't born wanting to do this!
President Bartlet, The West Wing

You can always count on the Americans to do the right thing after everything else has been tried.

They look at you and see who they want to be. They look at me and see what they are.
Richard Nixon, to a portrait of John F. Kennedy

The most profound breach in this country is not between the rich and the poor, but between the people and the intellectuals.
Ayn Rand, Apollo and Dionysus

I have come to believe that our natures are so predetermined that Nixon could do no other than be his uneasy self, committed to mischief, acting and talking like a sleepwalker in a surreal dream: 'American troops have just entered Cambodia. This is not an invasion.' More to the point, the fact that so few Americans ever noted the chasm between his words and deeds was always proof to me that he was, in a curious way, the quintessential American, indifferent to — when aware of — cause and effect, acting only to further his own career, which meant that he was sometimes capable of doing the right thing for the wrong reasons.

Let's not be too rough on our own ignorance; it's what makes America great!
Frank Zappa, The Tonight Show (6.29.88)

I was told when I grew up I could be anything I wanted a fireman, a policeman, a doctor, even president it seemed, and for the first time in the history of mankind something new called an astronaut. But like many kids growing up on a steady diet of westerns I always wanted to be the cowboy hero that lone voice in the wilderness fighting corruption and evil wherever I found it, and standing for freedom, truth, and justice. And in my heart of hearts I still track the remnants of that dream wherever I go in my never ending ride into the setting sun.
Bill Hicks, Revelations

America has no landed aristocracy. We are shallowly rooted in our own soil, a highly mobile people, and we cannot delude ourselves about an organic connection with the land as the descendants of the displaced original inhabitants still live among us.
Noah Millman, "Monarchists, Neo-Reactionaries and Neo-Fascism"

The Clinton administration launched an attack on people in Texas because those people were religious nuts with guns. Hell, this country was founded by religious nuts with guns. Who does Bill Clinton think stepped ashore on Plymouth Rock?
P.J. O'Rourke

He who warned uh, the British that they weren't gonna be takin' away our arms, uh, by ringing those bells, and um...makin' sure as he's riding his horse through town to send those warning shots and bells that we were going to be sure and we were going to be free, and we were going to be armed.

We are simultaneously the most hated, loved, feared and admired nation on this planet. In short, we are Frank Sinatra.

Yes, I was fat, but I dealt with it by simply never thinking about it. It is useful, when you are fat, to have a lot of other things to think about...I kicked and screamed all the way toward anything that might do me any good. It is a proud trait of the American male.

America isn't all that bad. Just a bit of a frat boy.
Humon, in the commentary on this strip, Scandinavia and the World

Now when we think of countries with political histories that make your brain hurt, what is the first one that comes to mind? ...aside from mine.
The Nostalgia Chick note 

In essence, Sylvester Stallone is America, personified in flesh and bone. He beats up evil Russians, blows up evil Asians, and gains the love of his son by winning an arm wrestling tournament with a bunch of truck drivers, all while wearing red, white and blue undies.

We should know by now that America's freedom needs to be celebrated with the most life-threatening devices we're able to build. To hell with a few dumbasses firecracking their fingers off. Do you think Abraham Lincoln would have put up with British taxes just to keep you with the correct number of fingers on your dumbass hand? The Terminator killed hundreds of people, but did the future ban Terminators? No, it gave them cool sunglasses and sent them on adventures through time. Why are we such pussies?

Welcome to America, land of dreams and opportunity and the only place where someone decided that it would be a good idea to make a cake out of pizza. Because just regular pizza isn't enough. It's broken. You need to fix it so that each bite threatens to give you a stroke. Because what good is dinner if it's not Russian roulette?

"We're Americans. We built the Golden Gate Bridge and Hoover Dam and Joan Rivers. We're the only country that can look at a sandwich made of ice cream and chocolate cookies covered in fudge and think, 'Ah, you think we could fry that?' And you know what? YES, WE CAN!"
Bill Maher, Real Time with Bill Maher

Bill Arnot: When I see (The Lincoln Memorial) I see our forefathers fighting to make this country what it is.
Mays Gilliam: When I see that I think about the guys who got to scrub Lincoln's balls for minimum wage.

Finally, gentlemen... many misinformed Japanese believe that America is a nation divided... isolationist... and that Americans are only interested in enjoying a life of luxury, and are spiritually and morally corrupt. But that is a great mistake. If war becomes inevitable, America would be the most formidable foe that we have ever fought. I've lived in Washington and studied at Harvard, so I know that the Americans are a proud and just people.
Isoroku Yamamoto, Tora! Tora! Tora!