"God is an American"
—David Bowie, "I'm Afraid of Americans"
Good morning USA:
I've got a feeling that it's gonna be a wonderful day!
The sun in the sky has a smile on his face
And he's shining a salute to the American race
Oh boy it's swell to say:
Good morning USA!
— Stan Smith, singing American Dad!'s theme song.
We're called "The Heartland", not very smart-land
IQ's are very low but threat levels are high
I hate to generalize, but have you seen the thighs?
Most haven't seen their genitalia in a while
"Well maybe I'm the faggot America
I'm not a part of a redneck agenda
Now everybody do the propaganda
And sing along to the age of paranoia"
—Green Day, "American Idiot"
Skyscrapers bloom in America
Cadillacs zoom in America
Industry boom in America
Twelve to a room in America!
Oh, the poor folks hate the rich folks
And the rich folks hate the poor folks
All of my folks hate all of your folks
It's American as apple pie
—Tom Lehrer, "National Brotherhood Week"
"Someday we'll have one extra coastline
We'll tire of the Atlantic
By then we'll be rid of your lot
A shot heard 'round the world will soon be shot
'Til then have some tea and tobacco
Hey Jenny, meet your master
Be nice, show him kindness and such
Be kind to our master"
—Sparks, "Hospitality on Parade"
"How I love the life I lead
Cannot think and cannot read
Watch our values slip away
Play the game of USA!"
—Peter Schilling, "Let's Play USA"
We're all stickin' together
in the fields where we don't belong
— Heaven's Gate, "America"
"Now it might be a smart bomb,
they find stupid people too
If you stand with the likes of Saddam,
well, one might just find you"
—Clint Black, "Iraq and Roll"
"McDonalds, FUCK YEAH!
Wal-Mart, FUCK YEAH!
The Gap, FUCK YEAH!
Baseball, FUCK YEAH!
NFL, FUCK, YEAH!
Rock and roll, FUCK YEAH!
The Internet, FUCK YEAH!
Slavery, FUCK YEAH!"
—Team America: World Police, "America, Fuck Yeah"
"You know what I'm gonna do? I'm gonna get myself a 1967 Cadillac El Dorado convertible, hot pink with whaleskin hub caps and all leather cow interior and big brown baby seal eyes for headlights, yeah! And I'm gonna drive around in that baby at 115mph getting one mile per gallon, sucking down quarter pounder cheese burgers from McDonald's in the old-fashioned non-biodegradable styrofoam containers and when I'm done sucking down those grease ball burgers, I'm gonna wipe my mouth with the American flag and then I'm gonna toss the styrofoam container right out the side and there ain't a God damned thing anybody can do about it. You know why? Because we got the bombs, that's why!"
— Denis Leary, "Asshole"
Calm-eyed he scoffs at Sword and Crown,
Or, panic-blinded, stabs and slays:
Blatant he bids the world bow down,
Or cringing begs a crust of praise
— An American by Rudyard Kipling
"History began on July 4, 1776. Everything before that was a mistake."
—Ron Swanson, Parks and Recreation
Bob: This is harassment, pure and simple!
Canadian Patrolman: Sorry, sir, but you fit the profile. "Mindless Belligerence" is one of our red flags.
—God, the Devil and Bob, "Andy Runs Away"
"Thomas Jefferson is an American saint because he wrote the words 'All men are created equal', words he clearly didn't believe since he allowed his own children to live in slavery. He's a rich white snob who's sick of paying taxes to the Brits. So, yeah, he writes some lovely words and aroused the rabble and they went and died for those words while he sat back and drank his wine and fucked his slave girl. This guy wants to tell me we're living in a "community"? Don't make me laugh. I'm living in America, and in America you're on your own. America's not a country, it's just a business. Now fuckin' pay me."
— Jackie Cogan, Killing Them Softly
"Nationalism! Unilateralism! Materialism! Welcome maxims for those with no faith — without guiding principles of their own. Give yourself up to the whole! No need to better yourself. You're American! You're Number One! Then, the only value left is dollar value; the economy. So we'll do whatever it takes to keep it humming along. Even war. Especially war."
—Sen. Steve Armstrong, Metal Gear Rising: Revengeance
"This is the only country in the world that worries about what it is... The rest of them know what they are. No one ever needs to go searching for the heart of Norway. Or looks for the soul of Mozambique. They know what they are."
— Mr. Wednesday, American Gods
"America has become a cruel and vicious place. We reward the shallowest, the dumbest, the meanest and the loudest. We no longer have any common sense of decency. No sense of shame. There is no right and wrong. The worst qualities in people are looked up to and celebrated. Lying and spreading fear is fine as long as you make money doing it."
"You know, the average Chinese factory worker must think Americans are insane. Picture this: you work at a plant that makes Halloween stuff—you know, like, rubber severed heads. And you're all like: Americans decorate their homes with severed heads? These fuckers are savages, man."
—Daniel Suarez, Daemon
"Please, kids, stop fighting. Maybe Lisa's right about America being the land of opportunity, and maybe Adil's got a point about the machinery of capitalism being oiled with the blood of the workers."
—Homer, The Simpsons ("The Crepes of Wrath")
"This is a sacred place. Now, you may not believe that and I may not believe that, but, by God, it's a useful hypocrisy."
—Linton Barwick, In the Loop
Saki: Take it easy. We have a cop here, you know.
American Soldier: Oh yeah? Well, we have the fucking American constitution, bitch!
Saki: Well, then it's easy. (Draws guns and blows him away)
— Gun Crazy: A Woman From Nowhere
The Doctor: (to Secret Service agents) You think you can just shoot me?
River Song: They're Americans!!
The Doctor: DON'T SHOOT ME, DEFINITELY DON'T SHOOT ME!
—Doctor Who, "The Impossible Astronaut"
Edgar: Alright, one question: How are we gonna stop a load of kids from beating the crap outta each other?
Jimmy Hopkins: It's America! We go in there with threats and bribes until we get what we want. If all else fails we beat the crap out of everyone!
Russel: Russell likes to hurt people, for peace!
"When you buy an import, you take a hot meal off a hard working American’s table. (infant cries) There, there. This poor girl is going to starve to death, just because you bought a cheaper, more efficient Maibatsu. Without gross symbols of excess, what will Americans have to look up to? Our great industries are threatened: Cars, pornography, armaments! And they need your help! So the next time you buy a car, a piece of adult literature or a missile defense system, make sure you do the American thing."
— "Buy American" radio advert, Grand Theft Auto: Vice City
“You can get far in North America with laconic grunts. "Huh," "hun," and "hi!" in their various modulations, together with "sure," "guess so," "that so?" and "nuts!" will meet almost any contingency.”
Leela: Look, I know there are no car chases, but this is important. One of these two men will become president of the world.
Fry: What do we care? We live in the United States.
Leela: The United States is part of the world.
Fry: Wow, I have been gone a long time.
"Somewhere in communist Russia I'll bet there's a little boy who has never known anything but censorship and oppression. But maybe he's heard about America, and he dreams of living in this land of freedom and opportunity! Someday, I'd like to meet that little boy ... and tell him the awful TRUTH about this place!!"
"I hear the real America is all strip malls and clinical obesity."
—Niko Belic, Grand Theft Auto IV
"You aren't American! You don't even have a flag on your head!"
Helga: Americans are great people!
Pöysti: Americans are idiots.
Routalempi: Yeah, that's so true.
Pöysti: Now, don't generalise, there are lots of smart people there too. (gets a flat stare from everybody) What?!
Ken: You from the States?
Jimmy: Yeah. Try not to hold it against me.
Ken: I'll try not to. Just try not to say anything too loud or crass.
"We're (Americans are) dicks! We're reckless, arrogant, stupid dicks. And the Film Actors Guild are pussies. And Kim Jong Il is an asshole. Pussies don't like dicks, because pussies get fucked by dicks. But dicks also fuck assholes: assholes who just want to shit on everything. Pussies may think they can deal with assholes their way. But the only thing that can fuck an asshole is a dick, with some balls. The problem with dicks is that sometimes they fuck too much or fuck when it isn't appropriate — and it takes a pussy to show them that. But sometimes, pussies get so full of shit that they become assholes themselves ... because pussies are only an inch and half away from assholes. I don't know much about this crazy, crazy world, but I do know that if you don't let us fuck this asshole, we're going to have our dicks and pussies all covered in shit!"
—Gary, Team America: World Police
"Just in case you accidentally wander into a voting booth one day, there's some things you should know. And one of them is there's absolutely no evidence to support the statement that we're the greatest country in the world. We're 7th in literacy, 27th in math, 22nd in science, 49th in life expectancy, 178th in infant mortality, 3rd in median household income, number 4 in labor force, and number 4 in exports. We lead the world in only 3 categories: number of citizens per capita, number of adults who believe angels are real, and defense spending, where we spend more than the next 26 countries combined. 25 of whom are allies. Now, none of this is the fault of a 20 year old college student. But you, nonetheless, are without a doubt a member of the worst. generation. ever. So when you ask, "what makes us the greatest country in the world?" I dunno know what the fuck you're talking about.
—Will's rant in The Newsroom
Darcy: It's okay, we're Americans!
Jane: Is that supposed to make them like us?
"I'm gonna rise up, I'm gonna kick a little ass gonna kick some ass in the USA gonna climb a mountain, gonna sew a flag, gonna flyyyy on an eagle! I'm gonna kick some butt, I'm gonna drive a big truck, I'm gonna rule this world gonna kick some ass gonna rise up, kick a little ass... ROCK, FLAG AND EEEEAGLLLLLLLLLLE!"
"The myth of America: That simple, honest men born of her great plains and woods and skies have made a nation of her, and will prove worthy of her when the time is right. Under harsh light, it is false. But a good myth to live up to, all the same."
— Gunther Hahn, former Nazi spy, Preacher
“For my own part I wish the Bald Eagle had not been chosen the Representative of our Country. He is a Bird of bad moral Character. He does not get his Living honestly. You may have seen him perched on some dead Tree near the River, where, too lazy to fish for himself, he watches the Labour of the Fishing Hawk; and when that diligent Bird has at length taken a Fish, and is bearing it to his Nest for the Support of his Mate and young Ones, the Bald Eagle pursues him and takes it from him."
"Britain, however, has done much amiss, and deserves all that will fall thereon. Her insolence, which you and I have known and felt more than any other Americans, will lead her to ruin and us half way. We, indeed, are, in point of insolence, her very image and superscription, as true a gamecock as she, and I warrant you, shall become as great a scourge to mankind."
—John Adams in a letter to his wife
“America is the only country that went from barbarism to decadence without civilization in between.”
"America will never be destroyed from the outside. If we falter and lose our freedoms, it will be because we destroyed ourselves.”
“The essential American soul is hard, isolate, stoic, and a killer. It has never yet melted.”
— D.H. Lawrence, Studies in Classic American Literature
“Every immigrant who comes here should be required within five years to learn English or leave the country.”
“Here is something that the psychologists have so far neglected: the love of ugliness for its own sake, the lust to make the world intolerable. Its habitat is the United States. Out of the melting pot emerges a race which hates beauty as it hates truth.”
"You can always count on the Americans to do the right thing after everything else has been tried."
"Americans like the cowboy...This amazing, romantic character suits me precisely because to be alone has always been part of my style or, if you like, my technique."
—Henry Kissenger, 1972 Interview
They look at you and see who they want to be. They look at me and see what they are.
"I have come to believe that our natures are so predetermined that Nixon could do no other than be his uneasy self, committed to mischief, acting and talking like a sleepwalker in a surreal dream: 'American troops have just entered Cambodia. This is not an invasion.' More to the point, the fact that so few Americans ever noted the chasm between his words and deeds was always proof to me that he was, in a curious way, the quintessential American, indifferent to — when aware of — cause and effect, acting only to further his own career, which meant that he was sometimes capable of doing the right thing for the wrong reasons."
“I'm a bit retarded, like most Americans.”
—Henry Miller, Tropic of Cancer
"More than anything else, we Americans are afraid of each other."
— Wendell Phillips
"The most profound breach in this country is not between the rich and the poor, but between the people and the intellectuals."
—Ayn Rand, Apollo and Dionysus
"Let's not be too rough on our own ignorance; it's what makes America great!"
—Frank Zappa, The Tonight Show (6.29.88)
"Americans have a severe disease — worse than AIDS. It's called the winner's complex.”
"America is a country that has been skating for ages on its unparalleled ability to look marvelous on the outside."
"The governor of Texas, who, when asked if the Bible should also be taught in Spanish, replied that 'if English was good enough for Jesus, then it's good enough for me."
"During the first Gulf War, Christopher Hitchens famously schooled Charlton Heston, asking him to name the countries surrounding Iraq, the place he was so eager to invade. A flummoxed Heston sputtered, naming a few random Middle Eastern countries (including, rather humorously, the island nation of Cyprus)."
"This country wasn't built on moral fiber. This country was built on rape, slavery, murder, degradation and affiliation with crime."
“That's why they call it the American Dream: 'cause you have to be asleep to believe it.”
"It seems to me that this country is so often a redneck, dickhead, peckerwood, bro-hug, he-haw, gun-totin', psycho-Christian, anti-choice, homophobic, gimme-cap wearin', militia arm band, sportin' a huge belt buckle with your name on it that you wear upside-down so you go 'shit, dat's my name!' kinda place."
Stephen Fry: What's the right word for someone who's from the USA?
Johnny Vegas: Obese?
Graeme Garden: Is it 'burger-eating invasion monkey'?
"We got so much food in America we're allergic to food. Allergic to food! Hungry people ain't allergic to shit. You think anyone in Rwanda's got a fucking lactose intolerance?”
"So Miss USA doesn't know the capital of her home state? To be fair she probably doesn't know the capitals of any of the states."
—Sarah Michelle Gellar, tweeted 6.19.14
“Don't you miss the days when America was just morally bankrupt?”
"If you were in an office, and there was someone there who came in everyday and said, 'I'M THE GREATEST FUCKER HERE AND ALL YOU SNIVELING SHITS WOULD DIE WITHOUT ME! AHAHA!' I can guarantee by the end of the week, you would have killed him. And eaten him, just to try to possess his power."
—Lewis Black on American Exceptionalism
"The Greatest Generation gets too much credit. Those World War II guys, if they had all the shit we have today, they'd be assholes too. It's just circumstantial. It's what you're called on to do that makes you great. We haven't been called on to do anything but buy shit and get fat.”
"We [the USA] are simultaneously the most hated, loved, feared and admired nation on this planet. In short, we are Frank Sinatra."
"America isn't all that bad. Just a bit of a frat boy."
"Now when we think of countries with political histories that make your brain hurt, what is the first one that comes to mind? ...aside from mine."
—The Nostalgia Chick note
"'I'm going to sell copies of my wand at an enormous markup,' Harry said, 'and you can buy one like everyone else.' Voldemort had been defeated.
'He hated us for our freedom,' Ron said.
'No, Ron," Harry said. 'He hated us for our free markets.'"
"What are Superman's great controversial moral stands in Straczynski’s run? Well, he’s not fond of drug dealers, he’s against illegal immigration unless America gets something out of it, he’s for sweetheart government deals for corporations to jumpstart the economy, and he thinks child abuse is just awfully tacky. WAY TO GO OUT ON A LIMB, BIG GUY. You’re such a maverick. Superman isn’t the principled outsider in these comics. He’s the roving monitor of the status quo."
"The quintessentially American comic book character is Scrooge McDuck...It’s a running gag in the strips that he only pays Donald Duck a truly abysmal wage (thirty cents an hour, I believe), even as he’s forcing him to keep his three cubic acres of cold hard cash polished and shiny. As much as Scrooge is motivated by as sense of adventure to journey to exotic locations and find new (and valuable) objects, his main concern is losing his wealth. Whether he’s motivated by greed or by the memories attached to his money, he hoards it, and because of that, he spends a large part of his life as a pretty terrible person. Another great trick that Rosa pulls in Life & Times is that each chapter is accompanied by a portrait, and you can see Scrooge’s transformation from the wide-eyed optimistic youngster looking for an opportunity to the bitter, sneering billionaire, and then to the sad, lonely and broken old man that he is at his first appearance."
—Chris Sims, "Scrooge McDuck Is America"
"Celebrating America's independence is getting harder and harder to do. Each year, states make so many more fireworks illegal, that you're now more likely to die in a fight with a wild bear than by accidental explosion... We should know by now that America's freedom needs to be celebrated with the most life-threatening devices we're able to build. To hell with a few dumbasses firecracking their fingers off. Do you think Abraham Lincoln would have put up with British taxes just to keep you with the correct number of fingers on your dumbass hand? The Terminator killed hundreds of people, but did the future ban Terminators? No, it gave them cool sunglasses and sent them on adventures through time. Why are we such pussies?"
"You're the ugliest American since Clark Griswold... Why would I want to hear the exploits of some obnoxious American recounting his gross sex tourism? Christ, where's Eli Roth when you need him?"
—Todd in the Shadows on Jason Derulo's "Talk Dirty"
"Some intensely charismatic psycho founds his own religion, persuades people that he has all the answers to the problems of existence, moves them all into a secluded commune, and has them submit to baffling devotional practices. Itoi must have noticed that this sort of thing happens fairly often the States."
"There is something to the fact that the United States have the single most sedentary sport...A sport beloved by a particular rarified middle class impossibly distant from the very agrarian nature that the pleasant greenery represented by the baseball diamond ostensibly represents. Baseball, a game contextualized as the peaceful relaxed pleasantry of a nation that is not peaceful, relaxed, or frankly pleasant... It is a national pastime only in the sense of myopic hubris — the same sort of hubris that results in us declaring a competition in which only one team from outside of the United States competes the 'world series.' And, of course, we studiously avoid actually playing the rest of the world in baseball, in no small part because Japan and Cuba would kick our fucking asses to the curb like we were England playing any sport they invented."
"You see, young people don’t seem to have the same dumbass nativist hangups as the Klan-wannabes who seem to have our country in a death-lock, so thus are less likely to abandon a totally awesome sport the whole world plays simply because it isn’t an American exclusive that feeds into our notions of American Exceptionalism. And that’s bad, because that means they’ll be less likely to support bombing random brown people and self-defeating nonsense justified only by a strange idea that America is 'different' and thus not bound by the laws of time and space. And whoops, I’m just now being told I wasn’t supposed to read that last line. My bad... Mindless patriotism! Mindless patriotism! Goooooooo team!"
—Sadly, No! on the 2014 World Cup
"I don't think America is populated entirely by assholes and cowboys; I know that some Canadians live there, too."
"Could somebody please invade America? I know it's not exactly prime real estate and can just about produce corn and shitty TV, but someone really needs to help them blow off some steam. It's hard not to look all all these war games about Russia invading America and not be reminded of fanfiction. America is a fat teenage virgin lying on her front on her bed staring up at her Edward and Bella poster while crossing and uncrossing her ankles and dreamily writing creepy stories about having filthy monkey sex with the quiet, Eastern European boy down the road. And the child psychologist hired by her concerned parents gives the following advice: "What this girl needs is a good hard dicking!"
"So, Americans, then. Self-appointed vigilante defenders of the world, kind of like Superman, if Superman was retarded and only fought crime when he felt like it."
"Asking after my wellbeing is like asking after the wellbeing of someone in Sweden because a fire broke out in Portugal. Yes alright, Americans, go and look up where those countries are, I'll wait. (In reference to the fires in Victoria, Australia, 12 February 2009)"
"'Medium,' 'Large' and 'King Size'? What the fuck is that? How the fuck can 'Medium' be the smallest? Do you even know what the word 'Medium' means? This is why you're all so fat, you bunch of road sign-shooting Yankee pillocks."''
—Ben "Yahtzee" Croshaw, five separate quotes