Quotes: Eagleland

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God is an American.
David Bowie, "I'm Afraid of Americans"

Good morning USA:
I've got a feeling that it's gonna be a wonderful day!
The sun in the sky has a smile on his face
And he's shining a salute to the American race
Oh boy it's swell to say:
Good morning USA!
Stan Smith, singing American Dad!'s theme song.

History began on July 4, 1776. Everything before that was a mistake.
Ron Swanson, Parks and Recreation

I'm gonna rise up, I'm gonna kick a little ass gonna kick some ass in the USA gonna climb a mountain, gonna sew a flag, gonna flyyyy on an eagle! I'm gonna kick some butt, I'm gonna drive a big truck, I'm gonna rule this world gonna kick some ass gonna rise up, kick a little ass... ROCK, FLAG AND EEEEAGLLLLLLLLLLE!

You can get far in North America with laconic grunts. 'Huh,' 'hun,' and 'hi!' in their various modulations, together with 'sure,' 'guess so,' 'that so?' and 'nuts!' will meet almost any contingency.

Socialism never took root in America because the poor see themselves not as an exploited proletariat but as temporarily embarrassed millionaires.

You know, the average Chinese factory worker must think Americans are insane. Picture this: you work at a plant that makes Halloween stuff—you know, like, rubber severed heads. And you're all like: Americans decorate their homes with severed heads? These fuckers are savages, man.
Daniel Suarez, Daemon

I am strongly of the opinion that the great majority of people will always find these are the moving impulses of our life. But it is only those who do not understand our people, who believe that our national life is entirely absorbed by material motives. We make no concealment of the fact that we want wealth, but there are many other things that we want much more. We want peace and honor, and that charity which is so strong an element of all civilization. The chief ideal of the American people is idealism.

Americans like the cowboy...This amazing, romantic character suits me precisely because to be alone has always been part of my style or, if you like, my technique.
Henry Kissinger, 1972 Interview

In America, the professor talks to the mechanic. They are in the same category.
Noam Chomsky

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And America is now blood and tears instead of milk and honey.
Gil Scott-Heron, "Comment #1"

Well maybe I'm the faggot America
I'm not a part of a redneck agenda
Now everybody do the propaganda
And sing along to the age of paranoia

Oh, the poor folks hate the rich folks
And the rich folks hate the poor folks
All of
my folks hate all of your folks
It's American as apple pie
Tom Lehrer, "National Brotherhood Week"

Someday we'll have one extra coastline
We'll tire of the Atlantic
By then we'll be rid of your lot
A shot heard 'round the world will soon be shot
'Til then have some tea and tobacco
Hey Jenny, meet your master
Be nice, show him kindness and such
Be kind to our master
Sparks, "Hospitality on Parade"

How I love the life I lead
Cannot think and cannot read
Watch our values slip away
Play the game of USA!
Peter Schilling, "Let's Play USA"

McDonalds, FUCK YEAH!
Wal-Mart, FUCK YEAH!
The Gap, FUCK YEAH!
Baseball, FUCK YEAH!
NFL, FUCK, YEAH!
Rock and roll, FUCK YEAH!
The Internet, FUCK YEAH!
Slavery, FUCK YEAH!
Team America: World Police, "America, Fuck Yeah"

You know what I'm gonna do? I'm gonna get myself a 1967 Cadillac El Dorado convertible, hot pink with whaleskin hub caps and all leather cow interior and big brown baby seal eyes for headlights, yeah! And I'm gonna drive around in that baby at 115mph getting one mile per gallon, sucking down quarter pounder cheese burgers from McDonald's in the old-fashioned non-biodegradable styrofoam containers and when I'm done sucking down those grease ball burgers, I'm gonna wipe my mouth with the American flag and then I'm gonna toss the styrofoam container right out the side and there ain't a God damned thing anybody can do about it. You know why? Because we got the bombs, that's why!
Denis Leary, "Asshole"

Calm-eyed he scoffs at Sword and Crown,
Or, panic-blinded, stabs and slays:
Blatant he bids the world bow down,
Or cringing begs a crust of praise
An American by Rudyard Kipling

Bob: This is harassment, pure and simple!
Canadian Patrolman: Sorry, sir, but you fit the profile. "Mindless Belligerence" is one of our red flags.
God, the Devil and Bob, "Andy Runs Away"

Thomas Jefferson is an American saint because he wrote the words 'All men are created equal', words he clearly didn't believe since he allowed his own children to live in slavery. He's a rich white snob who's sick of paying taxes to the Brits. So, yeah, he writes some lovely words and aroused the rabble and they went and died for those words while he sat back and drank his wine and fucked his slave girl. This guy wants to tell me we're living in a "community"? Don't make me laugh. I'm living in America, and in America you're on your own. America's not a country, it's just a business. Now fuckin' pay me.
Jackie Cogan, Killing Them Softly

SCP-50-AE-J is an IMI Desert Eagle, with an American flag print grip. SCP-50-AE-J is unremarkable except for the fact that when fired, an adult bald eagle, designated SCP-50-AE-1, emerges from the barrel and attacks anyone who displays Communist beliefs, Russian ancestry, or unpatriotic leanings. SCP-50-AE-1 differs from a normal bald eagle specimen in that it not only appears to be able to detect sociopolitcal beliefs, but also can talk, usually screaming slogans such as 'Better dead than red' and 'Democracy is non-negotiable'. Investigations into the further properties of SCP-50-AE-1 have been stymied by the fact that SCP-50-AE-1 continues to attack Foundation scientists, calling them 'PINKO FUCKS'.

Nationalism! Unilateralism! Materialism! Welcome maxims for those with no faith — without guiding principles of their own. Give yourself up to the whole! No need to better yourself. You're American! You're Number One! Then, the only value left is dollar value; the economy. So we'll do whatever it takes to keep it humming along. Even war. Especially war.
Sen. Steve Armstrong, Metal Gear Rising: Revengeance

America has become a cruel and vicious place. We reward the shallowest, the dumbest, the meanest and the loudest. We no longer have any common sense of decency. No sense of shame. There is no right and wrong. The worst qualities in people are looked up to and celebrated. Lying and spreading fear is fine as long as you make money doing it.

This is a sacred place. Now, you may not believe that and I may not believe that, but, by God, it's a useful hypocrisy.
Linton Barwick, In the Loop

Saki: Take it easy. We have a cop here, you know.
American Soldier: Oh yeah? Well, we have the fucking American constitution, bitch!
Saki: Well, then it's easy. (Draws guns and blows him away)
Gun Crazy: A Woman From Nowhere

The Doctor: (to Secret Service agents) You think you can just shoot me?
River Song: They're Americans!!
The Doctor: DON'T SHOOT ME, DEFINITELY DON'T SHOOT ME!
Doctor Who, "The Impossible Astronaut"

Anya: I've recently come to realize there's more to me than just being human. I'm also an American.
Giles: I suppose you are, in a matter of speaking. You were born here. Your mortal self.
Anya: That's right, foreigner. So I've been reading a lot about the good ol' US of A, embracing the extraordinarily precious ideology that helped to shape and define it.
Willow: Democracy.
Anya: Capitalism. A free market dependent on the profitable exchange of goods for currency. A system of symbiotic beauty apparently lost on these old people. Look at them. Perusing the shelves, undressing the merchandise with their eyeballs...all ogle, no cash. It's not just annoying, it's un-American.
Giles: Yes, appalling. Almost as if they no longer think money can buy happiness.
Anya: Totally. Un-American. And you know what else is un-American? French people.
Buffy the Vampire Slayer, "Tough Love"

Edgar: Alright, one question: How are we gonna stop a load of kids from beating the crap outta each other?
Jimmy Hopkins: It's America! We go in there with threats and bribes until we get what we want. If all else fails we beat the crap out of everyone!
Russel: Russell likes to hurt people, for peace!
Bully (2006)

When you buy an import, you take a hot meal off a hard working American’s table. (infant cries) There, there. This poor girl is going to starve to death, just because you bought a cheaper, more efficient Maibatsu. Without gross symbols of excess, what will Americans have to look up to? Our great industries are threatened: Cars, pornography, armaments! And they need your help! So the next time you buy a car, a piece of adult literature or a missile defense system, make sure you do the American thing.
— "Buy American" radio advert, Grand Theft Auto: Vice City

Leela: Look, I know there are no car chases, but this is important. One of these two men will become president of the world.
Fry: What do we care? We live in the United States.
Leela: The United States is part of the world.
Fry: Wow, I have been gone a long time.

Somewhere in communist Russia I'll bet there's a little boy who has never known anything but censorship and oppression. But maybe he's heard about America, and he dreams of living in this land of freedom and opportunity! Someday, I'd like to meet that little boy ... and tell him the awful TRUTH about this place!!

I hear the real America is all strip malls and clinical obesity.
Niko Belic, Grand Theft Auto IV

Just in case you accidentally wander into a voting booth one day, there's some things you should know. And one of them is there's absolutely no evidence to support the statement that we're the greatest country in the world. We're 7th in literacy, 27th in math, 22nd in science, 49th in life expectancy, 178th in infant mortality, 3rd in median household income, number 4 in labor force, and number 4 in exports. We lead the world in only 3 categories: number of citizens per capita, number of adults who believe angels are real, and defense spending, where we spend more than the next 26 countries combined. 25 of whom are allies. Now, none of this is the fault of a 20 year old college student. But you, nonetheless, are without a doubt a member of the worst. generation. ever. So when you ask, "what makes us the greatest country in the world?" I dunno know what the fuck you're talking about.
—Will's rant in The Newsroom

Darcy: It's okay, we're Americans!
Jane: (Is that supposed to make them like us?)

For my own part I wish the Bald Eagle had not been chosen the Representative of our Country. He is a Bird of bad moral Character. He does not get his Living honestly. You may have seen him perched on some dead Tree near the River, where, too lazy to fish for himself, he watches the Labour of the Fishing Hawk; and when that diligent Bird has at length taken a Fish, and is bearing it to his Nest for the Support of his Mate and young Ones, the Bald Eagle pursues him and takes it from him.

Britain, however, has done much amiss, and deserves all that will fall thereon. Her insolence, which you and I have known and felt more than any other Americans, will lead her to ruin and us half way. We, indeed, are, in point of insolence, her very image and superscription, as true a gamecock as she, and I warrant you, shall become as great a scourge to mankind.
John Adams in a letter to his wife

God created war so that Americans would learn geography.

America is the only country that went from barbarism to decadence without civilization in between.

America will never be destroyed from the outside. If we falter and lose our freedoms, it will be because we destroyed ourselves.

In America everybody is of the opinion that he has no social superiors, since all men are equal, but he does not admit that he has no social inferiors, for, from the time of Jefferson onward, the doctrine that all men are equal applies only upwards, not downwards.

The essential American soul is hard, isolate, stoic, and a killer. It has never yet melted.
D.H. Lawrence, Studies in Classic American Literature

Every immigrant who comes here should be required within five years to learn English or leave the country.

Here is something that the psychologists have so far neglected: the love of ugliness for its own sake, the lust to make the world intolerable. Its habitat is the United States. Out of the melting pot emerges a race which hates beauty as it hates truth.

America...just a nation of two hundred million used car salesmen with all the money we need to buy guns and no qualms about killing anybody else in the world who tries to make us uncomfortable.

More than anything else, we Americans are afraid of each other.
Wendell Phillips

If we define an American fascist as one who in case of conflict puts money and power ahead of human beings, then there are undoubtedly several million fascists in the United States.
Henry A. Wallace

Americans have a severe disease — worse than AIDS. It's called the winner's complex.

You work three jobs? Uniquely American, isn't it? I mean, that is fantastic that you're doing that.
George W. Bush to a divorced mother of three, Omaha, NE 2.4.05

America is a country that has been skating for ages on its unparalleled ability to look marvelous on the outside.
Matt Taibbi

During the first Gulf War, Christopher Hitchens famously schooled Charlton Heston, asking him to name the countries surrounding Iraq, the place he was so eager to invade. A flummoxed Heston sputtered, naming a few random Middle Eastern countries (including, rather humorously, the island nation of Cyprus).

This country wasn't built on moral fiber. This country was built on rape, slavery, murder, degradation and affiliation with crime.
Mike Tyson

That's why they call it the American Dream: 'cause you have to be asleep to believe it.

It seems to me that this country is so often a redneck, dickhead, peckerwood, bro-hug, he-haw, gun-totin', psycho-Christian, anti-choice, homophobic, gimme-cap wearin', militia arm band, sportin' a huge belt buckle with your name on it that you wear upside-down so you go 'shit, dat's my name!' kinda place.

Stephen Fry: What's the right word for someone who's from the USA?
Johnny Vegas: Obese?
Graeme Garden: Is it 'burger-eating invasion monkey'?
QI

We got so much food in America we're allergic to food. Allergic to food! Hungry people ain't allergic to shit. You think anyone in Rwanda's got a fucking lactose intolerance?

If you were in an office, and there was someone there who came in everyday and said, 'I'M THE GREATEST FUCKER HERE AND ALL YOU SNIVELING SHITS WOULD DIE WITHOUT ME! AHAHA!' I can guarantee by the end of the week, you would have killed him. And eaten him, just to try to possess his power.
Lewis Black on American Exceptionalism

The Greatest Generation gets too much credit. Those World War II guys, if they had all the shit we have today, they'd be assholes too. It's just circumstantial. It's what you're called on to do that makes you great. We haven't been called on to do anything but buy shit and get fat.

'I'm going to sell copies of my wand at an enormous markup,' Harry said, 'and you can buy one like everyone else.' Voldemort had been defeated.

'He hated us for our freedom,' Ron said.

'No, Ron," Harry said. 'He hated us for our free markets.'

The quintessentially American comic book character is Scrooge McDuck...It’s a running gag in the strips that he only pays Donald Duck a truly abysmal wage (thirty cents an hour, I believe), even as he’s forcing him to keep his three cubic acres of cold hard cash polished and shiny. As much as Scrooge is motivated by as sense of adventure to journey to exotic locations and find new (and valuable) objects, his main concern is losing his wealth. Whether he’s motivated by greed or by the memories attached to his money, he hoards it, and because of that, he spends a large part of his life as a pretty terrible person. Another great trick that Rosa pulls in Life & Times is that each chapter is accompanied by a portrait, and you can see Scrooge’s transformation from the wide-eyed optimistic youngster looking for an opportunity to the bitter, sneering billionaire, and then to the sad, lonely and broken old man that he is at his first appearance.

Of course, gangsters could be said to embody a warped (and almost romantic) sense of American individualism – rugged characters who are essentially 'self-made' in a hyper-competitive world. Given how quintessentially American the idea of 'the gangster' is, it makes sense that a culture built around that iconography would resemble America in some rather pointed ways...After all, Oxmyx is a particularly stinging reflection of the type of rugged American individualism and exceptionalism, exaggerated to an absurd degree. Justifying his violence and brutality, Oxmyx offers Spock an important lesson in the way the world works: 'Nobody helps nobody but himself.' Spock finds it quite difficult to understand Oxmyx’s motivations. 'You yourself have stated the need for unity of authority on this planet,' he observes. Oxmyx responds, 'Yeah, but I got to be the unity.'
Darren Mooney on Star Trek: The Original Series ("A Piece of the Action")

Some intensely charismatic psycho founds his own religion, persuades people that he has all the answers to the problems of existence, moves them all into a secluded commune, and has them submit to baffling devotional practices. Itoi must have noticed that this sort of thing happens fairly often the States.

An individual who believes that the white male Christian God should be the only object of worship on the planet, that power and wealth should remain in the hands of 1% of the world's population while the remaining 99% starve, that health care should be privatized so the poor can't afford basic medication, that a rape victim living on welfare should be forced to care for a baby she didn't even ask for, and that America is the only real country on Earth while all those other countries they read about are just fakes invented by communists...oh wait, it's terrorists now, isn't it?

Norris has promised that if he were elected President he would “tattoo an American flag on the forehead of every atheist”, so that their secret powers are destroyed and it would be hard for them to work undercover in government etc. Similar measures have been used to identify and mark problematic minorities in society before, with some success (depending on how you see it). Admittedly, though, the atheists are only the second biggest threat to America, after illegal immigrants. There’s also a U.N.-grounded “world government” conspiracy...Dense as a rock, but surprisingly dangerous (not because of his martial arts skills), Norris seems hell-bent to be wrong on absolutely every issue, and succeeds to a rather remarkable degree.

Truly this is America's Team: where the consumer gives and gives to the corporation and is given nothing but false promises based on a once proud past, and admonished for ever questioning the machine.
Drew Magary on the Dallas Cowboys

Lambeau Field is one of the worst venues in sports for a single reason: bleacher seating. Bleacher seating is fine in most venues: college football, baseball, etc. But this is the fattest fan base in pro sports. In northern Wisconsin, your average fan is simply too obese for bench seating. When combined with a native population that consumes (almost exclusively) cheese curds and encased meats, bleacher seating is like watching football in the NFL's version of cattle car. Boundaries between individual seats are merely theoretical... Attend a game at Lambeau and the problem becomes apparent: This is a fan base too fat for its own stadium.

There is something to the fact that the United States have the single most sedentary sport...A sport beloved by a particular rarified middle class impossibly distant from the very agrarian nature that the pleasant greenery represented by the baseball diamond ostensibly represents. Baseball, a game contextualized as the peaceful relaxed pleasantry of a nation that is not peaceful, relaxed, or frankly pleasant... It is a national pastime only in the sense of myopic hubris — the same sort of hubris that results in us declaring a competition in which only one team from outside of the United States competes the 'world series.' And, of course, we studiously avoid actually playing the rest of the world in baseball, in no small part because Japan and Cuba would kick our fucking asses to the curb like we were England playing any sport they invented.

In my more cynical moments, I'll claim the TV ad spot is the US's only quintessential form of narrative storytelling. As I am in a particularly cynical and depressed mood at the moment, I'll go ahead and claim that.
Soda Pop Art, "I Don't Buy It — Commercials as Narrative and Social Entropy"

...parents who opt out of vaccines come to their decisions by prioritizing the very virtues American culture readily recommends: freedom of choice, consumer primacy, individualism, self-determination, and a dim, almost cynical view of common goods like public health...Individualism begets individualist politics, both of which encourage the type of thinking anti-vaccination advocates appear prone to.
Elizabeth Stoker Bruenig, "Don't Blame Anti-Vaxxers for the Measles Outbreak, Blame American Culture."

"I don't think America is populated entirely by assholes and cowboys; I know that some Canadians live there, too."
"Could somebody please invade America? I know it's not exactly prime real estate and can just about produce corn and shitty TV, but someone really needs to help them blow off some steam. It's hard not to look all all these war games about Russia invading America and not be reminded of fanfiction. America is a fat teenage virgin lying on her front on her bed staring up at her Edward and Bella poster while crossing and uncrossing her ankles and dreamily writing creepy stories about having filthy monkey sex with the quiet, Eastern European boy down the road. And the child psychologist hired by her concerned parents gives the following advice: "What this girl needs is a good hard dicking!"
"So, Americans, then. Self-appointed vigilante defenders of the world, kind of like Superman, if Superman was retarded and only fought crime when he felt like it."
"Asking after my wellbeing is like asking after the wellbeing of someone in Sweden because a fire broke out in Portugal. Yes alright, Americans, go and look up where those countries are, I'll wait.'' (In reference to the fires in Victoria, Australia, 12 February 2009)"
"'Medium,' 'Large' and 'King Size'? What the fuck is that? How the fuck can 'Medium' be the smallest? Do you even know what the word 'Medium' means? This is why you're all so fat, you bunch of road sign-shooting Yankee pillocks."
Ben "Yahtzee" Croshaw, five separate quotes

But speaking here in my capacity as a polished, sophisticated European as well, it seems to me the laugh here is on the polished, sophisticated Europeans. They think Americans are fat, vulgar, greedy, stupid, ambitious and ignorant and so on. And they’ve taken as their own, as their representative American, someone who actually embodies all of those qualities.
Christopher Hitchens on Michael Moore's popularity in Europe.

    Mixed Flavor Quotes 
"From the big church to the big river,
And out to the shining sea,
This is the land of opportunity,
And there's a monkey trial on TV!"

"A nation with their freezers full,
Are dancing in their seats.
Whilst outside another nation,
Is sleeping in the streets."
Billy Bragg, "Help Save the Youth of America"

"Coca-Cola, sometimes war"
Rammstein, "Amerika"

Skyscrapers bloom in America
Cadillacs zoom in America
Industry boom in America
Twelve to a room in America!

"There's a bright, sunny day in Chicago
There's a bright, sunny day in Chicago
Corruption's as high as an elephant's eye
And the meters cost $74.25"

We're all stickin' together
in the fields where we don't belong
Heaven's Gate, "America"

I'm a bit retarded, like most Americans.
Henry Miller, Tropic of Cancer

This is the only country in the world that worries about what it is... The rest of them know what they are. No one ever needs to go searching for the heart of Norway. Or looks for the soul of Mozambique. They know what they are.
— Mr. Wednesday, American Gods

Please, kids, stop fighting. Maybe Lisa's right about America being the land of opportunity, and maybe Adil's got a point about the machinery of capitalism being oiled with the blood of the workers.
Homer, The Simpsons ("The Crepes of Wrath")

The Frog: You think I'm just going to roll over for you hegemonic, Mickey Mouse-loving Americans?
Marvin: (decks him) Leave Mickey out of it!
Red 2

Baseball is our national sport—Our national pastime: Joining together as men to reward the act of running around in a circle. I will thank you not to take its name in vain, Chavez.

You aren't American! You don't even have a flag on your head!

Helga: Americans are great people!
Pöysti: Americans are idiots.
Routalempi: Yeah, that's so true.
Pöysti: Now, don't generalise, there are lots of smart people there too. (gets a flat stare from everybody) What?!
Pasila

Ken: You from the States?
Jimmy: Yeah. Try not to hold it against me.
Ken: I'll try not to. Just try not to say anything too loud or crass.

The myth of America: That simple, honest men born of her great plains and woods and skies have made a nation of her, and will prove worthy of her when the time is right. Under harsh light, it is false. But a good myth to live up to, all the same.
Gunther Hahn, former Nazi spy, Preacher

'Joy cometh in the morning,' scripture tells us. I hope so. I don't know if life would be worth living if it didn't. And I don't yet know who set off the bomb at Kennison State. I don't know if it's one person or ten, and I don't know what they want. All I know for sure, all I know for certain, is that they weren't born wanting to do this. There's evil in the world, there'll always be, and we can't do anything about that. But there's violence in our schools, too much mayhem in our culture, and we can do something about that. There's not enough character, discipline, and depth in our classrooms; there aren't enough teachers in our classrooms. There isn't nearly enough, not nearly enough, not nearly enough money in our classrooms, and we can do something about that. We're not doing nearly enough, not nearly enough to teach our children well, and we can do better, and we must do better, and we will do better, and we will start this moment today! They weren't born wanting to do this!
President Bartlet, The West Wing

You can always count on the Americans to do the right thing after everything else has been tried.

They look at you and see who they want to be. They look at me and see what they are.
Richard Nixon, to a portrait of John F. Kennedy

The most profound breach in this country is not between the rich and the poor, but between the people and the intellectuals.
Ayn Rand, Apollo and Dionysus

I have come to believe that our natures are so predetermined that Nixon could do no other than be his uneasy self, committed to mischief, acting and talking like a sleepwalker in a surreal dream: 'American troops have just entered Cambodia. This is not an invasion.' More to the point, the fact that so few Americans ever noted the chasm between his words and deeds was always proof to me that he was, in a curious way, the quintessential American, indifferent to — when aware of — cause and effect, acting only to further his own career, which meant that he was sometimes capable of doing the right thing for the wrong reasons.

Let's not be too rough on our own ignorance; it's what makes America great!
Frank Zappa, The Tonight Show (6.29.88)

The Clinton administration launched an attack on people in Texas because those people were religious nuts with guns. Hell, this country was founded by religious nuts with guns. Who does Bill Clinton think stepped ashore on Plymouth Rock?
P.J. O'Rourke

He who warned uh, the British that they weren't gonna be takin' away our arms, uh, by ringing those bells, and um...makin' sure as he's riding his horse through town to send those warning shots and bells that we were going to be sure and we were going to be free, and we were going to be armed.

We are simultaneously the most hated, loved, feared and admired nation on this planet. In short, we are Frank Sinatra.

Yes, I was fat, but I dealt with it by simply never thinking about it. It is useful, when you are fat, to have a lot of other things to think about...I kicked and screamed all the way toward anything that might do me any good. It is a proud trait of the American male.

America isn't all that bad. Just a bit of a frat boy.
Humon, in the commentary on this strip, Scandinavia and the World

Now when we think of countries with political histories that make your brain hurt, what is the first one that comes to mind? ...aside from mine.
The Nostalgia Chick note 

If one person was chosen to symbolize everything a country stands for, who would be chosen? The Right Honourable Clement Attlee would be a prime candidate for England thanks to the creation of the NHS, Mahatma Gandhi would likely represent India, and you'd have a hard time finding someone more suited to iconify Germany than Karl Marx. But what about America? It's a strange society. Younger than nearly all others, and as a mishmash of immigrants from other countries, we have very little in the way of a shared cultural identity. Almost everything we cling to as Americans is borrowed from someone else. Baseball and football are bastardizations of cricket and rugby. Rock 'n' Roll's continued iconoclasm in America is just as much the work of the Brits as it is its American pioneers. Even hotdogs and hamburgers can have their roots traced back to Frankfurt and Hamburg, Germany. The only thing that truly defines Americans is their ability to consume all of these things. We are symbolized by our own excess. And that is why, with his horrible movies that have unending streams of sequels, habitual steroid abuse, charmingly bad overacting, and a nearly endless list of merchandising campaigns spackled with his image, I can think of no person who defines America better than Sylvester Stallone.

Born to parents of French-Jewish and Italian descent, he is as much a culturally devoid mongrel as anyone else in America. His mother was a fortuneteller and pro-wrestling promoter and his father a barber, thus he can't identify with any family profession. And the arching careers of he and his brother Frank represent the constant flux of great success and utter, utter failure that is America. In essence, Sylvester Stallone is America, personified in flesh and bone. He beats up evil Russians, blows up evil Asians, and gains the love of his son by winning an arm wrestling tournament with a bunch of truck drivers, all while wearing red, white and blue undies.

Celebrating America's independence is getting harder and harder to do. Each year, states make so many more fireworks illegal, that you're now more likely to die in a fight with a wild bear than by accidental explosion... We should know by now that America's freedom needs to be celebrated with the most life-threatening devices we're able to build. To hell with a few dumbasses firecracking their fingers off. Do you think Abraham Lincoln would have put up with British taxes just to keep you with the correct number of fingers on your dumbass hand? The Terminator killed hundreds of people, but did the future ban Terminators? No, it gave them cool sunglasses and sent them on adventures through time. Why are we such pussies?

Welcome to America, land of dreams and opportunity and the only place where someone decided that it would be a good idea to make a cake out of pizza. Because just regular pizza isn't enough. It's broken. You need to fix it so that each bite threatens to give you a stroke. Because what good is dinner if it's not Russian roulette? The fine people over at Pillsbury (who would probably never actually eat this thing) have provided the world with a recipe for this delicious cake which is mysteriously missing all nutritional information.

"The average American is not a pretty sight15-50 kg overweight, somewhat xenophobic, politically sort of conservative (but more complacent than anything else), given to a certain strain of Anti-Intellectualism}} born of being one of the most religious of Westernized nations. Our food can be very very very good (sit down to some soul food or a plate of our seafood some time) but we tend to eat a lot of nondescript garbage because it's cheap, unchallenging, served in ungodly huge portions, and often deep-fried. (This made sense when most of the country were agricultural workers, but over half our population lives relatively sedentary lifestyles in urban surroundings now, so country food creates city obesity, heart disease, and diabetes.)\\
"We have some of the best universities in the world, populated primarily by graduates of some of the worst schools in the world; as a result, the population tends to be given to willful stupidity (nearly half the population, according to some polls, are evolution deniers) and embarrassing gullibility due to the promotion of blind faith as a virtue, not to mention the delusion that our universities are liberal propaganda factories rather than large-scale free markets of ideas. We also have a nasty habit of creating things like videotape, rock music, and basketball and letting other countries figure out how to kick our asses at them. Americans are notorious around the world for a pathological love of firearms, despite immense problems in our cities with gun violence. (We aren't all like that by any stretch of the imagination, mind you. But the gun control lobbies don't get anywhere near as much money as the National Rifle Association.).
->"Many of us subscribe to 'rugged individualism', i.e. a concept of personal responsibility so strict that we don't provide a safety net for our poor, invoking the 'free market' as an excuse for not providing health care to everyone and using the spectre of a few cheats gaming the system as an excuse to ignore the less-privileged as a group and blame them for their own situation. (In that regard we're nothing unusual — the French are at least as bad if not worse than we are as far as alienating our minorities, but at least the French have a health care system.) Our corporations fight any attempt to force them to treat their workers better, then outsource and lay off their workers when the heat gets too much.
->"We travel badly and very very loudly, with the result that perhaps only a quarter of Americans have even the slightest clue about what it's like to be from anywhere else on the planet. This has lead to incredibly arrogant, aggressive and destructive foreign policies as we go around the world telling everyone we're better than them and they should immediately stop what they've been doing for thousands of years and live like us. We're the only country on Earth to have used nuclear weapons in wartime, and since then have spent much time telling everyone else we're the only people who should have ever had them. (We even ostracized one of our greatest nuclear scientists because he said that maybe making a bigger bomb wasn't such a good idea.) With a very short history (of an invading people who slaughtered and destroyed our ancient predecessors) compared to almost every other people's and nations on Earth, we have no appreciation of what it's like to have deep, long traditions. Instead, we look at them and want to buy them. It doesn't help that some of our liberals suffer quite loudly and prominently from the same sort of ethnocentric/moralistic derangements as our nuttier conservatives, making a lot of people suspicious that the Left-Right continuum links ends somewhere around the back.
->"We're really messed up when it comes to sex and drugs — the very people who keep trying to rein in porn and alcohol are some of their most avid consumers, our drinking age is 21 because our alcohol attitudes render our kids too messed-up to be trusted with it at 18, and we fired a Surgeon General for showing a hint of sex-positive thinking in saying that masturbation is normal and healthy. We lock people up for penny ante possession charges when other countries have been liberalizing their drug policy, and our Justice Department is going after porn made between consenting adults when there is a backlog in cases of child pornography. Millions of imaginary children (though, interestingly, very few real ones) were traumatized by the appearance of a bared breast in a Super Bowl halftime show, something that is pretty much commonplace on broadcast TV in other Westernized countries. And a President got a blow job from an intern and nearly lost his job for it, which led to ridicule from around the world, not for the President, but the conservatives who tried to bring him down.
->"We undeniably have our good sides — work ethic is a big one (although many others around the world consider us work and money obsessed), as are the above-mentioned universities. We've got a level of cultural diversity unparalleled anywhere in the world, leading to a potential ability to mix and match ideas in ways that almost no other country could ever do. We're the only nation to have ever voyaged to, and stood on, another celestial body. And we have some of the most stunning chunks of landscape anywhere on the planet. However we jealously covet and therefore seek to deny their aesthetic pleasure to others by erecting massive billboards in acts of visual vandalism. Drive west from St. Louis on Interstate Highway 70 and you will visually assaulted by giant "Pro-Life" billboards. If you think we hate nature, just think how much we must hate one another to do this!
Our work has just begun. We're sorry for being dumb, and many of us hope to do much, much better in the future. AMERICA, FUCK YEAH!"
Rational Wiki's "Fun" article on the "American".