Quotes / Eagleland

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God is an American.
—"I'm Afraid of Americans", 'David Bowie
'
We know the strength of America. We our strong. We can regain our unity. We can regain our confidence We are of generations that have survived threats much more powerful and awesome than those that challenge us now. Our fathers and mothers were strong men and women who shaped a new society during the Great Depression, who fought world wars, and who carved out a new charter of peace for the world. We are ourselves are the same Americans who just 10 years ago put a man on the moon. We are the generation that dedicated our society to the pursuit of human rights and equality. And we are the generation that will win the war on the energy problem and in that process rebuild the unity and confidence in America
Jimmy Carter, "Crisis of Confidence" speech, July 15, 1979

"Doesn't matter what the press says. Doesn't matter what the politicians or the mobs say. Doesn't matter if the whole country decides that something wrong is something right. This nation was founded on one principle above all else: the requirement that we stand up for what we believe, no matter the odds or the consequences. When the mob and the press and the whole world tell you to move, your job is to plant yourself like a tree beside the river of truth, and tell the whole world — "No, you move."
Capatin America, in ''Amazing Spider-Man#537

Good morning USA:
I've got a feeling that it's gonna be a wonderful day!
The sun in the sky has a smile on his face
And he's shining a salute to the American race
Oh boy it's swell to say:
Good morning USA!
Stan Smith, singing American Dad!'s theme song.

History began on July 4, 1776. Everything before that was a mistake.
Ron Swanson, Parks and Recreation

I'm gonna rise up, I'm gonna kick a little ass gonna kick some ass in the USA gonna climb a mountain, gonna sew a flag, gonna flyyyy on an eagle! I'm gonna kick some butt, I'm gonna drive a big truck, I'm gonna rule this world gonna kick some ass gonna rise up, kick a little ass... ROCK, FLAG AND EEEEAGLLLLLLLLLLE!

You can get far in North America with laconic grunts. 'Huh,' 'hun,' and 'hi!' in their various modulations, together with 'sure,' 'guess so,' 'that so?' and 'nuts!' will meet almost any contingency.

Socialism never took root in America because the poor see themselves not as an exploited proletariat but as temporarily embarrassed millionaires.

You know, the average Chinese factory worker must think Americans are insane. Picture this: you work at a plant that makes Halloween stuff—you know, like, rubber severed heads. And you're all like: Americans decorate their homes with severed heads? These fuckers are savages, man.
Daniel Suarez, Daemon

I am strongly of the opinion that the great majority of people will always find these are the moving impulses of our life. But it is only those who do not understand our people, who believe that our national life is entirely absorbed by material motives. We make no concealment of the fact that we want wealth, but there are many other things that we want much more. We want peace and honor, and that charity which is so strong an element of all civilization. The chief ideal of the American people is idealism.

Americans like the cowboy...This amazing, romantic character suits me precisely because to be alone has always been part of my style or, if you like, my technique.
Henry Kissinger, 1972 interview

In America, the professor talks to the mechanic. They are in the same category.
Noam Chomsky

We got so much food in America we're allergic to food. Allergic to food! Hungry people ain't allergic to shit. You think anyone in Rwanda's got a fucking lactose intolerance?

Yes, she hates EVERYTHING about America. This is the country that gave us Dynasty, Bea Arthur (it’s my second Bea Arthur reference of the day, because she is my religion and I have a quota to fill), vaporizer pioneer Bill Amato and Andy Capp’s Hot Fries. And yet, she still hates EVERYTHING? I cannot.
Michael K., "Azealia Banks Hates Everything About America"

    Flavor 2 Quotes 

Give me your hungry, your tired, your poor, I'll piss on 'em
That's what the Statue of Bigotry says
Your poor huddled masses, let's club 'em to death
And get it over with and just dump 'em on the boulevard
—"Dirty Blvd.", Lou Reed

Someday we'll have one extra coastline
We'll tire of the Atlantic
By then we'll be rid of your lot
A shot heard 'round the world will soon be shot
'Til then have some tea and tobacco
Hey Jenny, meet your master
Be nice, show him kindness and such
Be kind to our master
—"Hospitality on Parade", Sparks

Captain America's 25th in the world in math
Captain America's 24th in the world in reading
Don't make him do math, don't make him read books
And leave the science to Singapore and China
Captain America's behind the world in school!
Captain America consumes the second most electricity
Captain America consumes the world's most gasoline
So leave the lights on and hop in the car
But don't try to work 'cos there's nowhere to work
Captain America's 79th in employment!

How I love the life I lead
Cannot think and cannot read
Watch our values slip away
Play the game of USA!
—"Let's Play USA", Peter Schilling

McDonalds, FUCK YEAH!
Wal-Mart, FUCK YEAH!
The Gap, FUCK YEAH!
Baseball, FUCK YEAH!
NFL, FUCK, YEAH!
Rock and roll, FUCK YEAH!
The Internet, FUCK YEAH!
Slavery, FUCK YEAH!
—"America, Fuck Yeah", Team America: World Police

Calm-eyed he scoffs at Sword and Crown,
Or, panic-blinded, stabs and slays:
Blatant he bids the world bow down,
Or cringing begs a crust of praise
An American by Rudyard Kipling

Bob: This is harassment, pure and simple!
Canadian Patrolman: Sorry, sir, but you fit the profile. "Mindless Belligerence" is one of our red flags.
God, the Devil and Bob, "Andy Runs Away"

SCP-50-AE-J is an IMI Desert Eagle, with an American flag print grip. SCP-50-AE-J is unremarkable except for the fact that when fired, an adult bald eagle, designated SCP-50-AE-1, emerges from the barrel and attacks anyone who displays Communist beliefs, Russian ancestry, or unpatriotic leanings. SCP-50-AE-1 differs from a normal bald eagle specimen in that it not only appears to be able to detect sociopolitcal beliefs, but also can talk, usually screaming slogans such as 'Better dead than red' and 'Democracy is non-negotiable'. Investigations into the further properties of SCP-50-AE-1 have been stymied by the fact that SCP-50-AE-1 continues to attack Foundation scientists, calling them 'PINKO FUCKS'.

This is a sacred place. Now, you may not believe that and I may not believe that, but, by God, it's a useful hypocrisy.
Linton Barwick, In the Loop

The Doctor: (to Secret Service agents) You think you can just shoot me?
River Song: They're Americans!!
The Doctor: DON'T SHOOT ME, DEFINITELY DON'T SHOOT ME!
Doctor Who, "The Impossible Astronaut"

Edgar: Alright, one question: How are we gonna stop a load of kids from beating the crap outta each other?
Jimmy Hopkins: It's America! We go in there with threats and bribes until we get what we want. If all else fails we beat the crap out of everyone!
Russel: Russell likes to hurt people, for peace!
Bully (2006)

When you buy an import, you take a hot meal off a hard working American’s table. (infant cries) There, there. This poor girl is going to starve to death, just because you bought a cheaper, more efficient Maibatsu. Without gross symbols of excess, what will Americans have to look up to? Our great industries are threatened: Cars, pornography, armaments! And they need your help!
— "Buy American" radio advert, Grand Theft Auto: Vice City

In America everybody is of the opinion that he has no social superiors, since all men are equal, but he does not admit that he has no social inferiors, for, from the time of Jefferson onward, the doctrine that all men are equal applies only upwards, not downwards.

The essential American soul is hard, isolate, stoic, and a killer. It has never yet melted.
D.H. Lawrence, Studies in Classic American Literature

Here is something that the psychologists have so far neglected: the love of ugliness for its own sake, the lust to make the world intolerable. Its habitat is the United States. Out of the melting pot emerges a race which hates beauty as it hates truth.

America...just a nation of two hundred million used car salesmen with all the money we need to buy guns and no qualms about killing anybody else in the world who tries to make us uncomfortable.

More than anything else, we Americans are afraid of each other.
Wendell Phillips

Americans have a severe disease — worse than AIDS. It's called the winner's complex.

America is a country that has been skating for ages on its unparalleled ability to look marvelous on the outside.
Matt Taibbi

The United States is the only country except for tiny Liechtenstein—a tax haven—that has more lawyers than farmers.

That's why they call it the American Dream: 'cause you have to be asleep to believe it.

Stephen Fry: What's the right word for someone who's from the USA?
Johnny Vegas: Obese?
Graeme Garden: Is it 'burger-eating invasion monkey'?
QIf

If you were in an office, and there was someone there who came in everyday and said, 'I'M THE GREATEST FUCKER HERE AND ALL YOU SNIVELING SHITS WOULD DIE WITHOUT ME! AHAHA!' I can guarantee by the end of the week, you would have killed him. And eaten him, just to try to possess his power.
Lewis Black on American Exceptionalism

'I'm going to sell copies of my wand at an enormous markup,' Harry said, 'and you can buy one like everyone else.' Voldemort had been defeated.

'He hated us for our freedom,' Ron said.

'No, Ron," Harry said. 'He hated us for our free markets.'

In my more cynical moments, I'll claim the TV ad spot is the US's only quintessential form of narrative storytelling.
Soda Pop Art, "I Don't Buy It — Commercials as Narrative and Social Entropy"

While most societies throughout history have organized themselves in order to curb natural greed, America's devoted consumers are encouraged to respect, nurture and act on the subtlest stirrings of their avarice.
John F. Schumaker, New Internationalist magazine, July 2001

"I don't think America is populated entirely by assholes and cowboys; I know that some Canadians live there, too."
"Could somebody please invade America? I know it's not exactly prime real estate and can just about produce corn and shitty TV, but someone really needs to help them blow off some steam. It's hard not to look all all these war games about Russia invading America and not be reminded of fanfiction. America is a fat teenage virgin lying on her front on her bed staring up at her Edward and Bella poster while crossing and uncrossing her ankles and dreamily writing creepy stories about having filthy monkey sex with the quiet, Eastern European boy down the road. And the child psychologist hired by her concerned parents gives the following advice: "What this girl needs is a good hard dicking!"
"So, Americans, then. Self-appointed vigilante defenders of the world, kind of like Superman, if Superman was retarded and only fought crime when he felt like it."
"Asking after my wellbeing is like asking after the wellbeing of someone in Sweden because a fire broke out in Portugal. Yes alright, Americans, go and look up where those countries are, I'll wait.'' (In reference to the fires in Victoria, Australia, 12 February 2009)"
"'Medium,' 'Large' and 'King Size'? What the fuck is that? How the fuck can 'Medium' be the smallest? Do you even know what the word 'Medium' means? This is why you're all so fat, you bunch of road sign-shooting Yankee pillocks."
Ben "Yahtzee" Croshaw, five separate quotes

    Mixed Flavor Quotes 

"Coca-Cola, sometimes war"
—"Amerika", Rammstein

"From the big church to the big river,
And out to the shining sea,
This is the land of opportunity,
And there's a monkey trial on TV!"
—"Help Save the Youth of America", Billy Bragg

Skyscrapers bloom in America
Cadillacs zoom in America
Industry boom in America
Twelve to a room in America!

We're all stickin' together
in the fields where we don't belong
—"America", Heaven's Gate

There's only four things we do better than anyone else: music, movies, microcode, high-speed pizza delivery.
Hiro, Snow Crash

Did you know 90% of the country believes in ghosts? less than a third in evolution? 35% can correctly identify Homer Simpson's fictional town in which he resides, less than 1% knows the name Thurgood Marshall. But. When you put 12 Americans together in a jury and you ask for justice? Something just South of brilliance happens. Often as not, they get it right.

This is the only country in the world that worries about what it is... The rest of them know what they are. No one ever needs to go searching for the heart of Norway. Or looks for the soul of Mozambique. They know what they are.
— Mr. Wednesday, American Gods

The Frog: You think I'm just going to roll over for you hegemonic, Mickey Mouse-loving Americans?
Marvin: (decks him) Leave Mickey out of it!
Red 2

Baseball is our national sport—Our national pastime: Joining together as men to reward the act of running around in a circle. I will thank you not to take its name in vain, Chavez.

Ken: You from the States?
Jimmy: Yeah. Try not to hold it against me.
Ken: I'll try not to. Just try not to say anything too loud or crass.

We're [Americans are] dicks! We're reckless, arrogant, stupid dicks. And the Film Actors Guild are pussies. And Kim Jong Il is an asshole. Pussies don't like dicks, because pussies get fucked by dicks. But dicks also fuck assholes: assholes who just want to shit on everything. Pussies may think they can deal with assholes their way. But the only thing that can fuck an asshole is a dick, with some balls. The problem with dicks is that sometimes they fuck too much or fuck when it isn't appropriate — and it takes a pussy to show them that. But sometimes, pussies get so full of shit that they become assholes themselves ... because pussies are only an inch and half away from assholes. I don't know much about this crazy, crazy world, but I do know that if you don't let us fuck this asshole, we're going to have our dicks and pussies all covered in shit!

The myth of America: That simple, honest men born of her great plains and woods and skies have made a nation of her, and will prove worthy of her when the time is right. Under harsh light, it is false. But a good myth to live up to, all the same.
Gunther Hahn, former Nazi spy, Preacher

You can always count on the Americans to do the right thing after everything else has been tried.

They look at you and see who they want to be. They look at me and see what they are.
Richard Nixon in Nixon, to a portrait of John F. Kennedy

The most profound breach in this country is not between the rich and the poor, but between the people and the intellectuals.
Ayn Rand, Apollo and Dionysus

I have come to believe that our natures are so predetermined that Nixon could do no other than be his uneasy self, committed to mischief, acting and talking like a sleepwalker in a surreal dream: 'American troops have just entered Cambodia. This is not an invasion.' More to the point, the fact that so few Americans ever noted the chasm between his words and deeds was always proof to me that he was, in a curious way, the quintessential American, indifferent to — when aware of — cause and effect, acting only to further his own career, which meant that he was sometimes capable of doing the right thing for the wrong reasons.

I was told when I grew up I could be anything I wanted a fireman, a policeman, a doctor, even president it seemed, and for the first time in the history of mankind something new called an astronaut. But like many kids growing up on a steady diet of westerns I always wanted to be the cowboy hero that lone voice in the wilderness fighting corruption and evil wherever I found it, and standing for freedom, truth, and justice. And in my heart of hearts I still track the remnants of that dream wherever I go in my never ending ride into the setting sun.
Bill Hicks, Revelations

The Clinton administration launched an attack on people in Texas because those people were religious nuts with guns. Hell, this country was founded by religious nuts with guns. Who does Bill Clinton think stepped ashore on Plymouth Rock?
P.J. O'Rourke

America isn't all that bad. Just a bit of a frat boy.
Humon, in the commentary on this strip, Scandinavia and the World

This is Bond in America. Sure, he’s visited the country before, but this film represents Bond’s first feature-length adventure in the home of the brave. Perhaps this also accounts for the excess. To the British, America has always seemed ridiculously over-the-top, fanciful and absurd. It’s a land of fast-talking conmen, near-incessant advertising, bright lights and comforts. Particularly coming out of the sixties, the era of sexual liberation and counter-culture, the country must have looked like one big cartoon to the more reserved Britons.

In essence, Sylvester Stallone is America, personified in flesh and bone. He beats up evil Russians, blows up evil Asians, and gains the love of his son by winning an arm wrestling tournament with a bunch of truck drivers, all while wearing red, white and blue undies.

The continent that was supposedly discovered by Christopher Columbus is named for a decidedly second-rate Johnny-come-lately of an explorer named Amerigo Vespucci. Like Columbus, Vespucci was an Italian who sailed on occasion under the flag of Spain. But unlike Columbus, Vespucci was more at home in a counting house than a sailing ship. (Even Ralph Waldo Emerson, normally a booster of all things American, dismissed him as a mere “pickle dealer.”) What Vespucci did have, according to Felipe Fernández-Armesto’s wonderfully idiosyncratic and intelligent new biography of the explorer, was a gift for chicanery and self-promotion, along with an aching need to be remembered. As it turns out, America — this nation of notorious hucksters, dreamers and spin doctors — was named for just the right guy.
Nathaniel Philbrick, "God Bless Amerigo"

Welcome to America, land of dreams and opportunity and the only place where someone decided that it would be a good idea to make a cake out of pizza. Because just regular pizza isn't enough. It's broken. You need to fix it so that each bite threatens to give you a stroke. Because what good is dinner if it's not Russian roulette?

We should know by now that America's freedom needs to be celebrated with the most life-threatening devices we're able to build. To hell with a few dumbasses firecracking their fingers off. Do you think Abraham Lincoln would have put up with British taxes just to keep you with the correct number of fingers on your dumbass hand? The Terminator killed hundreds of people, but did the future ban Terminators? No, it gave them cool sunglasses and sent them on adventures through time. Why are we such pussies?

Bill Arnot: When I see (The Lincoln Memorial) I see our forefathers fighting to make this country what it is.
Mays Gilliam: When I see that I think about the guys who got to scrub Lincoln's balls for minimum wage.

"I may not make an honest buck, but I'm 100% American, and I don't work for no two-bit Nazi."
Eddie Valentine, The Rocketeer