Squidward: Patrick, what are you doing here?! Patrick: Uhh...I don't know. (smiles wanly)I'm funny.
Practically, the reason why SpongeBob SquarePants is intensely popular is because of the show's humor, specifically in Seasons 2-3. And we can't blame them, because these moments are too hilarious for its own good.
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Patrick's reaction to SpongeBob's elephant-shaped bubble: "AHAHAHAHAHA! IT'S A GIRAFFE! AHAHAHAHAHA!"
Squidward mocking SpongeBob's and Patrick's hilariously elaborate bubble-blowing "technique", which he ends by screaming into the bubble wand. Which works, resulting in a gigantic bubble. Which takes his house and lifts it high into the sea, while he plays his clarinet and blissfully ignores his situation until it's too late.
"Plankton!" sees the debut of the title character, and quickly establishes his incompetent brand of evil.
Plankton's record player. Especially the part where it plays an alphabet song and he switches it to play what it was meant to play.
Plankton takes control of SpongeBob and sends him on an accidental rampage. SpongeBob's almost casual reaction to the chaos in his wake is what really sells the scene.
SpongeBob:(marching robotically towards the wall next to the kitchen door) Time for a well-balanced breakfast. (smashes through the wall, then through the front of the fridge with a loaf of bread, bottle of milk, and carton of eggs balanced on his head) This isn't what I had in mind. Let me just grab my pants. (marches straight through a set of clothes stretched between two poles) Guess I'm not wearing any pants today. (smashes through the wall next to his front door) I guess I'm not using the door either. See you later, Gary! I guess... (Gary meows)
When Plankton falls into his own analysis machine, the display lists his components as "PLANKTON: 1% EVIL, 99% HOT GAS."
"Naughty Nautical Neighbors":
Right at the beginning when Squidward messes with the bubbles containing secret messages, sending Patrick the message "you are the dumbest idiot it has ever been my misfortune to know" instead of SpongeBob's original message of "Patrick, you're my best friend in the whole neighbourhood." Complete with Squidward's bubble sprouting the outline of a boot-covered foot to kick SpongeBob's bubble out of the way. The best part of the scene is the look on Squid's face as he sabotages the exchange.
Patrick: Do you really think that SpongeBob? SpongeBob: Of course, Patrick; anyone with eyes could see that!
Patrick: Friend? Friiiieeeeeeend... Squidward:(uncomfortable) Uhh Patrick? We're friends. Just friends.
SpongeBob on the "bassinet"!note Actually a double bass.
SpongeBob: Squidward is my best friend in the world... (LOUDLY scrapes bow across "bassinet" strings) SpongeBob: Squidward is my best friend in the sea... (launches bow into a panicked-looking Squidward portrait) SpongeBob:(Strumming "bassinet" strings like guitar) Squidward- Patrick:(pops in through window) Likes Patrick more than SpongeBob... (SpongeBob slams window in Patrick's face) SpongeBob:(Strumming violently before slamming "bassinet" into floor) And Patrick is a dirty, stinky, rotten, friend STEALER!(Smashes "bassinet") Uh, I can fix this.
Having kicked SpongeBob out of his house, Squidward goes into the bathroom - and screams as he finds Patrick in the bathtub.
Patrick: Hey buddy! I warmed it up for ya! (produces scrubbing brush and soap)
SpongeBob happens to show up while Squidward is ordering Patrick out of his bath:
SpongeBob: Oh-hoho, so this is what I find, huh?! My best friend, and my ex-best friend, and... RUBBER BATH TOYS!
When SpongeBob and Sandy's Valentine's surprise gift for Patrick, a giant chocolate balloon, is held up by a swarm of scallops, SpongeBob tries to stall by giving Patrick... a handshake. Patrick eventually sets aside his bitterness at the lameness of the "gift", only for a series of random fish to whom SpongeBob gave more elaborate gifts to walk up and thank him as he and Patrick sit on a bench at the Valentine's Day carinval. Patrick finally snaps and charges toward a man in a Valentine's heart costume, screaming "I DEFY YOU, HEART MAN!" and tearing his costume in half.
As Patrick's rampage continues, he sees a giant heart at the top of a swing ride, and roars, "HEART ON STICK MUST DIE!" as he tries to wrench it from its foundations. When this doesn't work, he grabs a passing girl's heart-shaped lollipop, repeats his "HEART ON STICK MUST DIE!" battle cry, and snaps it in half before throwing it in his mouth and crunching it into dust.
When SpongeBob first attempts to put the boat in reverse, he tenses up so much that the writing on the gearshift turns into Korean.
SpongeBob "backing up", then when the boat runs out of gas and they're stranded he informs Squidward that he thinks the pizza is getting cold. Squidward, asking "How can it get any worse?", kicks the boat and its gas meter suddenly becomes full and it drives off without them.
Squidward: That's just a stupid boulder! SpongeBob: It's not just a boulder! It's a rock! [sobbing tears of joy] A roock! A roock! A rooock! [Squidward looks on with disgust] SpongeBob: [climbing on top of the boulder] It's a big, beautiful, old rock! Oh, the pioneers used to ride these babies for miles! And it's in great shape. Squidward:SpongeBOB! Will you forget the stupid pioneers?! Have you ever noticed that there are none of them left?! That's because they were lousy hitchhikers, ate coral, and took directions from algae! And now you're telling me they thought they could drive—[SpongeBob drives the rock over him, squashing him flat into the ground]...rocks? Hold on there, Jethro!
From "Home Sweet Pineapple":
SpongeBob wakes up as his house shrinks around him thanks to a swarm of nematodes drinking it dry... and comes to the wrong conclusion:
SpongeBob: Hooray, Gary! We're finally huge!
SpongeBob finally notices that he hasn't grown, his house has shrunk, and he tries calling Squidward for advice. Squidward is about as receptive as he usually is, but his reaction is the setup for a great punchline from Patrick:
SpongeBob: I'll call Squidward, he'll know what to do! (dials, sound of phone ringing) Squidward:(on phone) Hello? SpongeBob: Squidwaaaaard! Squidward: Is it time already for you to ruin my day? SpongeBob: Squidward! Help me! (the phone receiver begins shrinking in his hand) My house is shrinking and I woke up this morning and my house was getting smaller- (cut to Squidward's house, where SpongeBob's voice gets more and more high-pitched and incomprehensible until finally cutting to a dial tone) OH NO! Squidward:(flinches) Yep, it is. (cut to Patrick's rock) SpongeBob: DAHHH! Patrick:(appearing on the underside of his rock as it flips open) Is it time already to ruin Squid's day? (falls off the rock) AHHH! (jumps out again wearing a dinner jacket, bowtie, and top hat) Hey, SpongeBob, don't start without me!
When SpongeBob tells Patrick that he'll have to move to his parents' house, it cuts to a picture of his parents smiling. When Patrick says, "Wait a minute, no, you don't!", it cuts back to the picture of SpongeBob's parents, now frowning.
The Hard Work Montage of SpongeBob and Patrick building SpongeBob's (mini) house. Most of the humor here just comes from Patrick hurting himself.
Bubble Bass' order:
Squidward:(Bubble Bass, a very overweight fish, walks up to the cashier's station) Let me guess, Tiny, a small salad? Bubble Bass: I'll take a Double Triple Balty Deluxe on a raft, 4x4, animal-style, extra shingles with a shimmy and a squeeze, light axle grease, make it cry, burn it, and let it swim. (Squidward gives up writing all of that down) Squidward:(annoyed) ...We servefoodhere, sir.
Apparently, Squidward's not the best SpongeBob replacement...
Male Fish: Hey... He burnt my Krabby Patty! Female Fish: He burnt my fries! Male Fish 2:[slurping]He burnt my shake!
SpongeBob's mind obviously breaking after forgetting the pickles and everything that happens afterwards at his house. By the time Mr. Krabs stops by to check up on him, he has been nailing food to the wall and can't even string a sentence together in the correct order.
Mr. Krabs:(opening SpongeBob's front door, which has a toaster nailed to it) SpongeBob! (takes in the mess in the living room) SpongeBob? SpongeBob:(stumbles over, his underwear over his head) Mr. Krabs, hello. Do you how do? Mr. Krabs:(pulling underwear off SpongeBob's head) Why you talkin' funny? SpongeBob: I anything can't do right since because pickles. Mr. Krabs:(smiles) Nonsense, you'll be back making Krabby Patties like your old self in no time! SpongeBob: I think don't ready back to go to work, Mr. Krabs. (walks off) Mr. Krabs: Well, you're fine, me boy! (SpongeBob ploughs straight through a door) Ooh! Uh, well, maybe not. (he follows SpongeBob into the kitchen and finds him nailing two pieces of bread to the counter) All we need to do is get your confidence back, so you can make me more money- uh, I mean, uh, patties. (chuckles nervously) SpongeBob: I how do that? Mr. Krabs: It's like ridin' a bike. You never forget! (scene pans to show a bicycle boiling in a pot on the stove) Uh, um... I'm gonna help you!
SpongeBob trying to turn off his alarm clock.
SpongeBob: How do I turn this off? Think, think, THINK! (Gary meows) GARY!! (picks up Gary and throws him into the horn to block the sound)
SpongeBob and Bubble Bass facing off at the end of that episode, Old West style.
At the beginning of the episode, SpongeBob and Patrick throw Squidward a surprise birthday party, singing, "SURPRISE! HAPPY BIRTHDAY, SQUIDWARD! Happy Happy Birthday! Happy Birthday Cake!" After a few scenes of partying in which Squidward does not so much as crack a smile, he finally bellows, "It's not my BIRTHDAY!!!"
On the day the realtor plans to visit his house, to set the tone for the "Opposite day" he hopes SpongeBob and Patrick will follow, Squidward gets up at dawn and marches outside SpongeBob's house playing a bass drum, a pair of cymbals, a set of bagpipes, and a whistle. SpongeBob asks why he's playing the drum:
Squidward: Drum? What drum? This is just my wig case! (punches a hole in the drum, pulls out an Elvis wig, and puts in on, then runs toward the road) C'mon, SpongeBob - tackle me!
Squidward tries to impress on SpongeBob the personality he expects him to adopt for Opposite Day. SpongeBob gets the idea, but doesn't quite put it into practice:
Squidward: Normally, you're really loud and annoying, so what are you going to be today? SpongeBob:(shouting) Quiet and out of the way! YAAAAAAAAAAY! Squidward: Yeah! (scowls) Why don't you get a jump on it. SpongeBob: I LOVE- um... (frowns) I HATE opposite day! (giggles) IIIII'M NOT REAAAAADY!!! (runs inside)
When SpongeBob decides that being the opposite of what he and Patrick usually are entails both of them being Squidward, Patrick's impersonation consists of putting a piece of blue coral on his face as a nose and dancing while chanting, "I'm Squidward, I'm Squidward, I'm Squidward, Squidward, Squidward!"
Squid!SpongeBob playing the clarinet for the realtor, who continuously begs him to stop. Of course, as SpongeBob thinks she's playing along with Opposite Day, he keeps playing.
SpongeBob and Patrick: Happy Opposite Day, Squidward! We hate you! [Squidward seethes with rage, then becomes calm] Squidward: Let me show you guys how much I... HATE YOU! [Squidward chases after SpongeBob and Patrick in a bulldozer] SpongeBob:[running away] Patrick, do you get the feeling that Squidward likes us too much?! Squidward:HAPPY OPPOSITE DAY![laughs diabolically]
"F.U.N." has the two versions of the title song. SpongeBob's version:
F is for friends who do stuff together...
and Plankton's version
F is for fire, that burns down the whole town! U is for uranium...BOMBS! N is for no survivors, WHEN YOU-[SpongeBob cuts him off]
In "Musclebob Buffpants":
TV advertiser: I was a wimp before Anchor Arms! Now I'm a jerk, and everybody loves me! So order now, wimp!
"Everybody do the Sponge!"
"Employee of The Month":
The increasingly ridiculous traps each one sets to prevent the other from getting to work - starting with SpongeBob digging a pit in front of Squidward's house and Squidward boarding up SpongeBob's front door and building up to Squidward somehow getting trussed up like a roast turkey and SpongeBob being built into a brick wall. Ending with SpongeBob tied to an anchor and Squidward to a pirate ship (the stern of which is on fire), and both of them still clawing themselves forward!
SpongeBob and Squidward trying their best to outdo each other, and impress Mr. Krabs. Since they've had no sleep beforehand...
SpongeBob:(mopping the floors) Look, Mr. Krabs! Clean floors! Squidward:(wiping a table) Clean tables, Mr. Krabs! (frantically wipes the table so hard and fast, that he breaks it in half) SpongeBob:(carrying dishes) Clean dishes, Mr. Krabs! (deliberately drops them) Mr. Krabs: What's going on here?! SpongeBob:(begins mopping the broken dishes) It's more efficient to clean dishes this way, Mr. Krabs! Mr. Krabs:NOOOOO! Squidward:(holding a bouquet of flowers and a box of chocolates)Flowers and chocolates for you, Mr. Krabs?! SpongeBob:(zips over to the register and puts his money in)Look, I'm putting my own money into the cash register!
When Krabs tells SpongeBob the story of the Flying Dutchman, he holds up a Krabby Patty to represent the Dutchman's ship, and says he claims his victim's souls while removing the pickle from the Krabby Patty. With SpongeBob suitably unhinged, Squidward appears behind him in a Flying Dutchman costume and solemnly declares, "I've come for your pickle."
SpongeBob decide to go around scaring the people of Bikini Bottom while respectively wearing a Flying Dutchman costume (which looks more like a Pac-Man ghost) and Groucho Marx glasses.
SpongeBob: OOOH, I'm the Flying Dutchman! Patrick: OOOH, I don't know WHO I am!
When the Flying Dutchman himself appears and gives the reasons why he plans to steal the souls of the Halloween partygoers:
Dutchman: Every year, people dressing up like me! (Squidward whips off his costume and whistles nervously.)
"The time machine is down the hall, to the left. (loud noises and screams) Whoops! Oh, yeah, that one's the can opener."
When Sandy threatens to pour hot sauce on SpongeBob's tongue, the drop hanging out of the bottle suddenly develops a face via Synchro-Vox while the background becomes filled with thunder and lightning.
Hot Sauce: BY THE POWER OF NAUGHTINESS, I COMMAND THIS PARTICULAR DROP OF HOT SAUCE TO BE REALLY, REALLY HOT!
At the end of the episode, Mr. Krabs has put SpongeBob and Sandy to work karate-chopping Krabby Patties for the customers:
SpongeBob is left feeling under the weather after falling asleep in the kitchen with the fridge door open.
SpongeBob:(sliding on the icy floor into the bathroom) Oh, Gary... I don't feel like myself! Gary:(slithers into the bathroom wearing a bobble hat over his shell and earmuffs on his head) Meow... SpongeBob:(standing up) Don't be silly, Gary. I don't get colds, I get the suds. Gary: Meow? SpongeBob: No, Gary. If I had the suds, I'd have bubbles coming out of me... (sneezes and covers his nose as bubbles fire out of his pores) Gary:(eyes narrowing) Meow. SpongeBob: I can't get the suds... because then I'll have to miss work. (sneezes again, but pulls the waistband of his underwear up to his eyes to block the bubbles) Gary:(one eye narrowing) Meow? SpongeBob:(defiantly) No, Gary. I like wearing my underwear like this. (turns around; what appears to be his backside is revealed to be two large bubbles which leak out of his underwear and pop)
The following scene where SpongeBob has dragged his sickly self to work. His awful appearance just makes it hilarious, considering that he's attempting to just have a normal day at work:
SpongeBob:(sneezes loudly, pulls entire hat over his head to muffle it) Krabs: SpongeBob! What's holding up those patties?! SpongeBob:(weakly, visibly shaking) Right away, sir... Krabs: SpongeBob! What's wrong with you? Yer paler than a baby seahorse! Gary:(suddenly in frame) Meow. (leaves) Krabs: The suds?! SpongeBob:(holds up plate with patty on it) Here's that patty you wandded, Bister Krabs, sir... (sneezes loudly, causing the patty to splatter all over Mr Krabs) Krabs:(nonchalantly dries himself off with his sleeve) All right, SpongeBob, you're too sick to work. SpongeBob:(looking grotesquely sick)Doh Bister Krabs, I'b okay, hodest...
A very sick SpongeBob calls Sandy to ask her to escort him to the doctor's office.
Sandy: Oh, sure SpongeBob! I'll be over there faster than a barefoot jackrabbit on a hot greasy griddle in the middle of August with a- SpongeBob: Yeah, okay Sandy, thanks. (sneezes)
Later in the episode, Patrick is determined to protect SpongeBob from the horror of a waiting room full of old magazines at the doctor's office, and insists on treating SpongeBob's case of suds himself to prevent this. He starts by plugging up SpongeBob's pores with corks; this causes SpongeBob to swell to larger sizes each time he sneezes, until his fingers are too big to dial the phone to tell Sandy he no longer needs her to take him to the hospital. Patrick calls her instead, but she is adamant that SpongeBob needs to go to the hospital:
Sandy: I'll be over there faster than a barefoot jackrabbit on a hot- Patrick:(annoyed) Oh, yeah, yeah, the rabbit, look, don't bother, Sandy! (slams phone down)
The panicked Patrick steps up his treatment of SpongeBob in a bid to cure his suds without qualified medical help:
Patrick:(plunging his hands, which already have rubber gloves on, into a sink full of water) DON'T TOUCH ME, I'M STERILE!
By the time Sandy finally shows up, Patrick's "treatments" have escalated to wearing a hood and chaining SpongeBob to a torture rack in a torchlit room.
While trying to hide SpongeBob (who is now the size of Patrick's rock) from Sandy:
Sandy: Alright, Patrick, where's SpongeBob? Patrick: Um... he's not here at the moment, please leave a message after the beep. (makes beep noise) Sandy:(folds arms) Okay, so tell me: since when do you have two houses? Patrick: Since I ran out of space to put my stuff. Sandy: Uh huh. Yeah. Since when does your house have feet? Patrick:This is my mobile home.
When Sandy finally gets SpongeBob to a hospital, the doctor orders "Hans" (a live action hand) to give him a "Sponge Treatment", where SpongeBob (as a real life sponge) is used to wash a plate, a car, a foot, and somebody's back.
Even funnier is Patrick's "Special Treatment" where he (as a real life starfish) is scrubbed on a cactus and in a toilet! And he just wanted the lollipop...
Patrick:(as he is being used to scrub the inside of a toilet bowl) WAIT, THIS DOESN'T SEEM RIGHT!...
SpongeBob becomes tired of playing the treasure-hunting board game with Mr. Krabs, but when he turns on the light at home, Mr. Krabs is there waiting for him ready to play again.
Mr. Krabs: C'mon, SpongeBob. One more game. I can smell the treasure. SpongeBob:(as he pushes Mr. Krabs out the front door) Mr. Krabs, it's late. Go to bed. Good night, Mr. Krabs. (he shuts the door and Mr. Krabs reappears in the living room) Mr. Krabs: The wind is perfect; the tide is right. Let's hunt for treasure. SpongeBob: Mr. Krabs, you gotta... (he opens the door and Mr. Krabs is right outside) Mr. Krabs: Tread softly, lad. If the Dutchman hears ya, we'll never get his treasure. SpongeBob: But Mr. Krabs... Mr. Krabs: I'll roll for ya, boy. SpongeBob: But, Mr... Mr. Krabs:(he rolls the dice) Eight paces north— that's a good start, lad. SpongeBob: But, Mr... Mr. Krabs: One, two, three... SpongeBob:(yelling loudly)MR. KRABS! I WANNA GO TO BED!
This line after SpongeBob and Patrick say "Arrgh!" too many times in unnecessary circumstances.
Mr. Krabs: From now on, only the captain says 'Arrgh'!
Mr. Krabs: Where's the X? It's supposed to be right here: "Ten thousand paces East"! Patrick: Oooooooh, East? I thought you said "Weast". Mr. Krabs: Weast? What kind of compass are you reading, lad? Patrick: This one, sir. (hands him the compass) Mr. Krabs: That's West, Patrick. You're fired again!
Patrick and SpongeBob being racist on Texans, so Sandy will chase them back to the surprise party they've planned for her.
SpongeBob:[shaped as Texas] Hey Patrick, what am I now? Patrick: Uh, stupid? SpongeBob: No, I'm Texas! Patrick: What's the difference? [they both laugh as Sandy's eyes turn blood red].
SpongeBob: That's brilliant! Patrick, your genius is showing. Patrick:(reaches hands down to cover crotch) WHERE!?
When SpongeBob was shaking his butt and saying, 'TEXASSS' Sure, he doesn't pronounce it that way, but the joke was awesome. Now THAT'S Getting Crap Past the Radar. The fact that Sandy BLUSHES as he does this doesn't help.
After Sandy announces that she's staying in Bikini Bottom?
Patrick:(cheering with everyone else from Bikini Bottom) Yeah! Who needs dumb old Texas? (Beat) (The cheerers go silent.) Sandy:(threateningly) What did you say? Patrick: Should I start running now?
From "Neptune's Spatula":
The visual gag of Neptune, having zapped Patrick with his trident, reviving him but putting his face on his trunks (where it remains for the rest of the episode):
Patrick:(coaching SpongeBob before the fry-off) Don't give up your dream, SpongeBob. People used to say to me, "Patrick, you'll never amount to anything. You'll always have your head in the clouds." But just look at me now!
As Patrick begs SpongeBob to come back home, he claims everyone misses him, even Squidward. Cut to Squidward, celebrating him being gone.
From "Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy", SpongeBob is trying to convince his heroes to come out of retirement.
Barnacle Boy: What's your point, kid? SpongeBob: You two are the greatest heroes ever, and I think you should come out of retirement. Mermaid Man: Listen up, you villains! I want to eat my meatloaf! If you don't get out of here, then by the power invested in me, I now pronounce you man and wife! Manager:(bursts in) What is going on in here? Mermaid Man: You may kiss the bride! (points at SpongeBob) Patrick: Did you reunite our heroes? SpongeBob: No, but I'm married...
Squidward's dance, a bizarrely incoherent mishmash of styles with music to match.
The audience's reaction to Squidward's performance, and then to SpongeBob's performance. Basically, they hated Squidward's dancing, but loved SpongeBob sweeping the stage with a mop. Squidward's facial expression as he absorbs their reactions is priceless.
Squidward:(in response to the crowd cheering for SpongeBob) They want an encore! (jumps onto the stage, arms outstretched, applause immediately stops)
From the premiere, "Help Wanted", as the horde of anchovies rushes the cashier's station, tossing it about like a boat on rough seas until it splinters into fragments, Mr. Krabs shouts, "Batten the hatches, Mister Squidward!... We're takin' on water, Mister Squidward!... I WANT MY MOMMY, MISTER SQUIDWARD!"
From "Boating School":
Patrick: (through a radio) Pat to Sponge, Pat to Sponge! Testing! Testing! Testing, testing, testing, testing, testing! TESTING! AAAAAAAGGGGGHHHHHH! TES-TEST...DO YOU READ?!?!?! SpongeBob: Sponge to Pat, I read you loud and clear.
In "Squidward The Unfriendly Ghost", SpongeBob and Patrick are finding the supposedly ghostly Squidward a spot in the sun, carrying him on a bed.
SpongeBob: Here? Squidward: Too hot. [they walk a little more then stop] SpongeBob: Here? Squidward: No, too wet. Keep going. Keep going. [they walk into a stylized painting of fish dancing the Can-Can] SpongeBob: Here? Squidward: Too-louse-Lautrec.note Meaning the French painter Henri de Toulouse-Lautrec, who was famous for his paintings of French dancing girls.[Rimshot] SpongeBob: Too tired... [he and Patrick stop where they are] Squidward: Perfect.
"Hall Monitor" is an episode full of hysterical moments from beginning to end:
SpongeBob lets a little power go straight to his head when the rotating position of hall monitor is reluctantly assigned to him by Mrs. Puff, and gives a No Indoor Voice speech repeatedly punctuated with the words "IN THE HALL!" Mrs. Puff gets so bored with the interminable speech that by the end, she is face down on her desk, snoring loudly.
"Crime and punishment, punishment and crime... IN THE HALL!"
When SpongeBob finally finishes his speech, he takes the hat and belt and declares, "I will put on this uniform, and assume my duties as (spins around and puts on hat and belt, then acquires a square jaw and deep voice) HALL MONITOR!" SpongeBob saying "HALL MONITOR!" in a deep voice (accompanied by the sort of musical fanfare that usually accompanies a superhero's entrance) becomes another Running Gag.
SpongeBob's first act as hall monitor/all-purpose do-gooder is to direct traffic when he comes across a malfunctioning traffic light. One montage of cars speeding through the crossing at SpongeBob's direction later, he leaves, looking satisfied... at which point we see that he has caused a colossal pile-up of angry motorists.
His second act as self-styled safety expert is to jump through a fish couple's open dining room window (to teach them not to leave themselves vulnerable in this way), wearing a black hood:
SpongeBob: I AM THE OPEN-WINDOW MANIAAAAAC!! (the fish couple run screaming out of their house; SpongeBob leans out of the window) I hope you learned a valuable lesson!
And his third act is to confront Patrick over letting the drips from his melting strawberry ice cream cone collect in a puddle on the ground; when he tries to get Patrick's attention, Patrick initially thinks the ice cream is talking to him and throws it at SpongeBob; when SpongeBob sets him straight and points to the fallen ice cream cone, Patrick wails, "I'M A BAD PERSON!"
By this time, the "Maniac" attack has hit the headlines. A newsboy runs up to SpongeBob and Patrick, hands them a paper, and says, in a gruff voice, "Take it friends. Arm yourselves with knowledge."
SpongeBob recruits Patrick to go after the Maniac with him. He says Patrick needs a symbol of authority; Patrick puts the ice cream cone on his head and points to it gleefully.
As they set out to catch the Maniac, SpongeBob asks Patrick what, as a former criminal, he would do. Patrick tells him he'd get an ice cream. Cut to them walking happily out of an ice cream shop, licking ice cream cones. SpongeBob asks what he would do next. Patrick thinks... and they are shown walking out of the ice cream shop again.
As SpongeBob runs off in search of the Maniac, imitating a police siren, a real police siren begins sounding as a squad boat pulls up next to Patrick. The cops show him a "Wanted" poster for the Maniac with a crude drawing of SpongeBob, and he screams at the mere sight of it. Eventually, the cops smirk at each other and begin repeatedly showing just enough of the picture to set Patrick screaming, then hiding it again.
Eventually, Patrick sees SpongeBob standing in the light from a streetlamp while talking to him over a walkie-talkie. However, he recognises him not as his friend but as the figure on the "Wanted" poster and tells SpongeBob he can see the Maniac.
SpongeBob: What's he doing? Patrick: He's just standing there... MENACINGLY!
SpongeBob finally gets a good look at the "Wanted" poster:
SpongeBob: Huh, this guy's not half bad-looking for a Maniac... wait a minute, Patrick. (gets a horrified look and turns the poster away from himself) I'M the Maniac! Patrick:AHHHH!
The episode also begins the Running Gag of Mrs. Puff going to jail because of SpongeBob. In the final scene, we hear her addressing her half-asleep class, and then see a shot of the teacher's desk where she is leading the class via a live video feed from her jail cell.
Mrs. Puff: And SpongeBob? SpongeBob:(gulp) Yes, Mrs. Puff? Mrs. Puff: I'd like to see you after class... (scowls) six months from now.
The episode gets off to a flying start with Mr. Krabs' ignored warnings about the return of the hooks.
Mr. Krabs:(bursts through the front doors of the Krusty Krab) THEY'RE BACK! THEY'RE BACK I TELL YA! I SAW IT WITH ME OWN EYES! (wiggles his eyes up and down) Customers:(stare for a moment then resume their conversations) Mr. Krabs:(runs up to a customer) THE HOOKS! THE HOOKS! Customer:(grimaces) How 'bout a mint? (holds out a breath mint) Mr. Krabs: THE HOOKS! THE HOOKS!... Customer:(at cashier's station) Can you make that to go? Squidward:(hands customer a bag) You don't know how lucky you are. Mr. Krabs:(runs up to cashier's station) THE HOOKS! So there I was, mindin' my own business- Squidward:(holds up an arm tentacle) I'd love to hear another of your riveting sea tales, but, um... I have to do my wastebasket inspection. (picks up wastebasket, empties it out, and puts it upside-down over his head) Uh-huh. Mm-hmm. Oh yeah. There's one.
As always, Squidward proves a less than adequate frycook while SpongeBob is (literally) playing hooky with Patrick...
First customer: P-U! You call this food!? Second customer: My sandwich tastes like a fried boot! Third customer:(sitting in front of a boot and a glass of orange soda) My sandwich is a fried boot!
When Squidward tells Mr. Krabs SpongeBob has taken a break, he initially laughs and says that no-one has taken a break since the Chum Fad of '59; when Squidward repeats himself, Krabs stands motionless as his arms and nose fall off. He then marches off in search of his errant employee, as the doors of the Krusty Krab swing back and forth. Each time they swing back to reveal the interior of the restaurant, more angry customers are surrounding Squidward, until finally they start lynching him.
Squidward: But Mr. Krabs, I still need heeeelllppp!
Mr. Krabs finally tracks down SpongeBob and Patrick and confronts them over treating the hooks as if they were a carnival ride:
Mr. Krabs: I want you to promise me you'll never go near those hooks again. SpongeBob, Patrick:(holding up their right hands) We promise, Mr. Krabs. Mr. Krabs: I need a sailor's promise! Repeat after me. (shifts from one foot to the other) Yo ho, yo ho, near the hooks I'll never go. SpongeBob, Patrick:(imitating Krabs' movements) Yo ho, yo ho, near the hooks we'll never go. (a hook is lowered down behind Mr. Krabs and spears his backside) Mr. Krabs:(jumps up, grabbing his injured rear) YOWEEEE! Mother of Pearl! Fire on the poop deck! SpongeBob, Patrick: Ahh! Mother of Pearl! Fire on the poop deck! (turn around and rub their own behinds)
From "Christmas Who?", Sandy telling SpongeBob about Christmas through bizarre body movements.
In the Patchy segment, at one point, he yanks down on his bird,and the puppeteer falls from the ceiling
Patrick's way of writing a letter, which makes him rip it every time.
In a Brick Joke, he wishes for another piece of paper.
"And everyone pretends to like the fruitcake!"
The musical number "The Very First Christmas to Me", especially with Mr. Krabs singing in falsetto at the end.
Santa at the end. Especially when he laughs so hard that he forgets that he's not holding onto the reins of his sleigh.
He gets so worked up that he passes out. It's cuter than it sounds. Then when he regains consciousness, he starts wheezing again, and Squidward clamps his hand over Sponge's mouth and says "Don't do that again."
When SpongeBob can't see Squidward Santa, and he's looking around like a doofus:
SpongeBob: Hello? Yes. Who's there? Huh? Hello? Show yourself. Yoo-hoo. Hello? Who is it? Huh? Squidward:UP HERE YOU DUNCE!!!.. I mean... Meeerry Christmas, little boy!
"Dying for Pie":
Squidward's annoyed and tired expressions at the beginning of the episode. When Krabs goes up and asks how he's feeling, he sticks his tongue out.
As Squidward complains that he has to be nice to "That guy!", it cuts to SpongeBob using a buffer on a table. It stops working, then he uses it on his face, looking like a SpongeBob Picasso.
The Homemade Sweater From Hell made of eyelashes is funny enough, as is the "I Heart U" logo on it. But the way it's read out in the German dub, like "Ich herz dich?!" makes it much more amusing.
When Squidward first tries to buy the pie.
Squidward: Those homemade pies sure look good. Pirate: Oh these aren't homemade. They were made in a factory. A bomb factory. They're bombs.
Mr. Krabs also has a great line after SpongeBob appears to have eaten the pie bomb.
Mr. Krabs: Ye had to kill 'im. The boy cries ya a sweater of tears, 'and ya kill 'im.
This part between Squidward and Mr. Krabs:
Squidward: You've seen this before? Mr. Krabs: Eleven times as a matter of fact. Squidward:(rushes to the phone) Yes, hello, doctor? Hospital? Won't do any good? Eleven times?!
Squidward decides to make SpongeBob's last day memorable:
Squidward: I'm gonna make SpongeBob's final hours the best he's ever had! And this time, there's gonna be love! So much, he's gonna drown in it! (he leaves the kitchen, then opens the door again) Squidward: DROWN IN IT! (closes door again) Mr. Krabs:(takes out pad and pen and starts writing) Note to self: watch out for Squidward.
Squidward takes SpongeBob out for his "final day on Earth".
SpongeBob: Bye, Mr. Krabs! Mr. Krabs:(sobs while putting up a "Help Wanted" sign) SpongeBob: Heads up Squidward: Looks like they're gonna replace ya.
SpongeBob introduces Squidward to everyone in town, including a group of three kids.
SpongeBob: Hi kids, meet my friend Squidward. [Kid throws a rock at Squidward.]
And then he does it again... wearing a salmon suit! (Squidward, not SpongeBob.) This time, all three kids throw rocks at Squidward's head.
Squidward was waiting for SpongeBob to die from the pie bomb.
Squidward:WHY ARE YOU STILL HERE?! SpongeBob: Well, since we finished everything the list, I thought I'd make up a new one. (holds up a book that says "Friends 4 Ever") I already filled up this book of ideas. We should be able to finish by January. Squidward:(slaps book away)FORGET THE BOOK! I spent the whole day with you, doing all kinds of ridiculous things, because you were supposed to explode! SpongeBob: You want me to explode? Squidward: Yes, that's what I've been waiting for. SpongeBob: Um, okay, I'll try. (yells)GARY! YOU ARE GONNA FINISH YOUR DESSERT AND YOU ARE GONNA LIKE IT!(laughs) Now it's your turn. Squidward:(yells, hops up and down furiously)THAT'S NOT WHAT I MEANT, YOU BARNACLEHEAD! SpongeBob: Ooh, good one. Squidward: No!
When SpongeBob actually reveals he had saved the pie the entire episode...
SpongeBob:I've been saving it in my pocket, for us to share! Let's eat! [trips over rock] Whooops! [The pie flies in Squidward's face in slo-mo. Cue live-action atomic explosion wiping out Bikini Bottom.] Squidward:Ouch.
More funny when you notice that was from an underwater nuclear detonation at Bikini Atoll.
Patrick: Now puff out your chest and say 'tax exemption'. SpongeBob: Tax exemption. Patrick: Now you must acquire a taste for free-form jazz. ("Pressure Point" by Duncan Lamont plays, with SpongeBob and Patrick having serious expressions on their faces while listening) Patrick: Okay, SpongeBob, you're ready!
This bit towards the beginning, when the Krusty Krab crowd is laughing at SpongeBob's kiss mark on his forehead:
SpongeBob: You're wrong! There's nothing wrong with getting kisses from your grandma! Charlie: Nooo. 'Specially if you're a BIG BABY who wears DIAPERS!! (group laughs) And sucks his thumb, and plays with dolls, and, um... wears pajamas with feet in 'em, and carries his, um... blankie around, and... Group: (annoyed) ALL RIGHT ALREADY!!!
The "Survival Of The Idiots" episode:
SpongeBob and Patrick pretend to be Wild West outlaws:
SpongeBob and Patrick find it very cold in the treedome:
Patrick: I'm so cold, I'm shivering! SpongeBob: I'm so cold, I can use my nose drippings as a pair of chopsticks! Patrick:I'm so cold...I'm shivering!
This piece of dialogue:
Patrick: Did you win? (gets hit in the head with a wooden board that SpongeBob had aimed for crazy Sandy)
Sandy acts out her dream along with SpongeBob and Patrick:
Patrick: Screaming will get you no- Sandy:(grabs Patrick's head and rips it off, looking really ticked off, as she breathes hard) WHICH ONE OF YOU FELLERS IS THE REAL DIRTY DAN?! Patrick: Uh, I am? (Sandy smacks him, sending him flying across the tree dome, screaming) SpongeBob: Patrick! Patrick:(slams against the dome and little drumsticks float around his head) Hot wings. Sandy:(to SpongeBob) Okay, Pinhead Larry! Now you get yours! (SpongeBob screams and runs off, barely avoiding Sandy pounding the ground)PIIIIIIIINHEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAADDDDDD!
And this scene:
Patrick: Let me have a try. [he goes up to the door and spits on both hands, preparing to open the door] Open sesame! [nothing happens, Patrick shrugs] Well, I've done all I can do.
SpongeBob: 'Ugly'?? (music) You gotta be kiddin' me. (sparkles)
Just do what Patrick does when he's upset: SCREEEEEEEAM!
SpongeBob I am ugly and I'm proud! I am ugly and I'm proud! I am ugly and I'm proud! Squidward: Is that what he calls it?
Here's another one:
SpongeBob: (entering the cinema's bathroom) Patrick, is everything OK in here? [he hears Patrick sobbing. He opens a stall door and sees Patrick sitting with a bag over his head] What are you doing in there, Patrick? Patrick Wouldn't you like to know? SpongeBob: And why is that bag on your head? Patrick: Why? Oh, no reason. Except you gave me the ugly! [he whips the bag off. SpongeBob recoils and gasps. Patrick walks out] What am I gonna do? I can't go out looking like this! SpongeBob: Just remember what we talked about. There's power in pride. Patrick: That may be fine for you, but I was one of the beautiful people. Now look at me! [his breath reaches SpongeBob and he holds his nose in disgust] I'm almost as ugly as you! I always thought if I was as ugly as that guy, I don't know what I'd do. SpongeBob: Patrick...? Patrick: What's my mom gonna say? SpongeBob: Patrick?? Patrick: Oh my gosh, if my sister finds out, wait, I don't have a sister, if the bank, I mean it's one thing if you have bad shoes, or even bad hair, but [SpongeBob grows, towering over Patrick] SpongeBob: PAAAATRIIIIIIIIIICK!!!!![he goes back to normal] You're not ugly. Your breath stinks. Really bad. [Patrick sighs with relief, his stench in the shape of a skull and crossbones] Patrick: Ahhhhhhhh, What a relief... SpongeBob: [his eyes water from the foul smell] GAAAWWWW, BARNACLES, Patrick! What did you eat?! Patrick: Oh, some roast beef, some chicken, a pizza... SpongeBob: (holding nose) No, I mean just this morning. Patrick: Some roast beef, some chicken, a pizza... SpongeBob: (holding nose) What else? Patrick: Well, I had some of your sundae. SpongeBob: Sundae... (he whips out what's left of it) Patrick! My sundae gave us rancid breath! Patrick: Whatcha mean? (SpongeBob coughs as Patrick's breath flies by him) SpongeBob: I mean, we're not ugly, we just stink! Patrick: Stink? (the two cheer and run around in circles chanting) Both: We stink! We stink! We stink! We stink! We stink! We stink! (The fumes encompass the entire theatre and it dissolves to the ground)
Patrick: What is wrong with you people?! Afraid to look ugliness in the face? Well, HERE!(holds SpongeBob up in front of the audience) Look at it! It's ugly, isn't it? (holds SpongeBob up to one part of the audience) YOU LOOK AT IT! SpongeBob: Hello. (people run away) Patrick: (holds SpongeBob up to another part of the audience) YOU LOOK AT IT! SpongeBob: Hi. (people run away) Patrick: (holds SpongeBob up to the entire audience) LOOK AT IT! (audience flees) LOOK AT IT! LOOK AT IT! LOOK AT IT! I WANT ALL OF YOU TO LOOK AT IT!
"Shanghaied" is one of the funniest episodes in the history of the show.
(A giant anchor comes crashing through SpongeBob's house) SpongeBob: Holy shrimp! (runs out to Squidward) Squidward! The sky had a baby from my cereal box! Squidward! (Squidward pokes his head through his window) Squidward! The sky had a baby! Squidward: That's not a baby! That's a giant anchor! Now go away! (Patrick comes over) Patrick: SpongeBob! The sky had a baby! SpongeBob: I know! What do you think we should name it?
While SpongeBob is trying to find out the name of the person who owns the ghost ship:
SpongeBob: Doesn't this place seem familiar? Patrick: I don't know. Why? SpongeBob: I don't know. Doesn't it just kind of ring a bell? (Squidward rings the doorbell) Patrick: Yes! SpongeBob: I know who owns this boat but I just can't place the name. (SpongeBob walks by a barrel that says "Property of the Flying Dutchman") Flying Dutchman: AAAAA-OOOO-RAAR-OOO-RAR!! SpongeBob: No, no, it's not "DAAAAA-OOOO-RAAR-OOO-RAR!!" Flying Dutchman: I am the Flying Dutchman! SpongeBob: That's it! Squidward, this ship belongs to the Red Baron!
The Flying Dutchman describing what it's like to be his servants:
Flying Dutchman:[zaps Squidward] Silence! You're part of my crew now, and our job is to sail around and frighten people. It'll be grueling, mind-numbing, and repetitive. Just like...daytime television.
The howling part:
Flying Dutchman: What a night be this! Crew, howl with me so that we might set the Seven Seas ablaze with fear! (howls like a wolf) SpongeBob:(bleats) Ahh! Patrick: Leedle-leedle-leedle-lee! Flying Dutchman:(howls like a wolf) SpongeBob:(bleats) Ahh! Patrick: Leedle-leedle-leedle-lee! (Flying Dutchman going to howl again but Patrick cuts him off) OOOOOoooooOOOOOooooo! (Flying Dutchman going to howl again but Patrick cuts him off) OOOOOoooooOOOOOooooo! (Flying Dutchman going to howl again but Patrick cuts him off) OOOOOOOOOOooooooooooOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooo! (Very long and awkward silence) Flying Dutchman: Eh, that'll do.
The Flying Dutchman is scaring one citizen by turning his head a full 360-degrees. SpongeBob and Patrick do the same...except they just turn their whole bodies around. They keep spinning and spinning until they were shown wearing purple tights, and they are figure-skating in a rink.
The scene where the Dutchman phases through the wall to scare a victim, only for SpongeBob and Patrick to try duplicating said feat and getting embedded into the wall.
Small Child: Those guys are dorks. Flying Dutchman: Yes, but they're my dorks.
In one of the many ploys to get Gary into the bathtub, SpongeBob declares, "I am now going to assault your mind with subliminal messages." The subliminal messages include a bathtub, a shower, a bar of soap... and a stereotypical Bavarian/Tyrolean girl with her hair in pigtails and a missing front tooth. The embarrassed SpongeBob mutters, "Sorry you had to see that."
SpongeBob tries tricking Gary into the bath with a game of leapfrog. The first time, he tries launching Gary into the bathroom, only to smash him against the wall next to the bathroom door. In the next scene, SpongeBob tries suggesting leapfrog again to a heavily-bandaged Gary, who bonks him on the head with a cane.
An artist drops a pencil and it lands in SpongeBob's front yard. After recovering from the initial shock, SpongeBob decides to draw with the pencil:
Patrick: What'cha drawin'? SpongeBob: Stand back, Patrick! I can't draw with you breathing down my neck! Patrick:(rolls eyes) Psh... artists. SpongeBob:(drawing) It's a jellyfish! Patrick: Pretty good, SpongeBob. But it's lacking basic construction, and your perspective leaves a lot to be desired. SpongeBob: Eh, everybody's a critic. (the jellyfish peels off the sand and begins swimming away) Patrick: SpongeBob, your drawing's coming to life! SpongeBob:(his back to the jellyfish) Now that's more like it, Mr. Critic! Patrick: No, I mean it's swimming away! SpongeBob:(amazed) Do you know what this means, Patrick? Patrick:(solemnly)Your art can never hang in a museum? SpongeBob: It means that we've found a magic pencil! (the pencil appears against a purple background as harp music plays) Patrick:(clapping his hands) Now all I need is a magic moustache and all my dreams will have come true! SpongeBob:(laughs) Coming right up! (draws a moustache on Patrick's upper lip) Patrick: LIFE IS GOOD! (the moustache swims away like a butterfly; Patrick shrugs) Easy come, easy go.
SpongeBob then draws a version of himself to play a prank on Squidward. The prank backfires and the 'Doodlebob' snatches the pencil from SpongeBob and Patrick. While on their way to retrieving it, this conversation occurs:
SpongeBob: What have I done? We've got to find him! Where could he possibly be? Patrick: Maybe he's in that poorly drawn pineapple. (shot of poorly drawn version of SpongeBob's house) SpongeBob: Come on, let's go! Patrick:(hides in a nearby bush) I'm not going in there! SpongeBob:(jumps into same bush) Come on, Patrick. I'm right behind you. Baby steps. (They walk, using the bush as camouflage, toward the pineapple.) Almost there... (DoodleBob draws a hole. They scream and fall into it.) Patrick: What just happened? DoodleBob: (gibberish) SpongeBob: Come on, Patrick. Give me a boost up! Patrick: Can't we just stay down here where it's safe? SpongeBob: No way. I created this monster and I've got to stop him. (a wrench falls and hits Patrick on the head) DoodleBob: (gibberish) SpongeBob: See what I mean, Patrick? Patrick:(dazed) Where's the leak, ma'am? (SpongeBob and Patrick climb to the top of the hole. DoodleBob draws a bowling ball and rolls it toward them) Patrick:(his face turns into a bowling pin) YAHHHH- (the bowling ball hits him in the face, turning it into ten bowling pins and knocking him down into the hole, and a "strike" sign appears. The ball rolls into the hole after Patrick and hits him again. Another "strike" sign appears.) SpongeBob: You okay, Patrick? Patrick:FINLAND!
The chase continues:
SpongeBob: There he is. Patrick: He's hideous. He makes me sick, just looking at him. Those big bulgy eyes, that square body, those two buck teeth, and that stupid tie! SpongeBob:(looks at his tie and coughs) Eh hem. Patrick: Oh...but it looks good on you, SpongeBob! Heh heh. SpongeBob: He's putting down the pencil! This is our chance. On the count of three, we'll jump out and surprise him! Patrick: Oh boy, a surprise party! Is it his birthday? SpongeBob:(DoodleBob suddenly appears in front of them and grabs SpongeBob) PATRICK! PATRICK! DO SOMETHING!!! Patrick: Happy birthday! (DoodleBob throws a screaming SpongeBob aside; Patrick picks up a rock and hands it to DoodleBob) Here's your present! (DoodleBob bashes it on his head) You're welcome.
Best/funniest part about that scene is Patrick's expression after getting hit.
Eventually, SpongeBob corners DoodleBob and prepares to erase him:
SpongeBob: Hold it right there, Doodle! I brought you into this world, and I'm gonna take you out! Any last words? DoodleBob:(rapid gibberish) SpongeBob: I- I'm sorry, what was that? DoodleBob:(repeats the same gibberish as before, one syllable at a time)
When DoodleBob is revived, he gets revenge on SpongeBob by replacing him. He then chases SpongeBob downstairs, where SpongeBob closes the door to his living room. DoodleBob erases the door...to reveal SpongeBob's butt. He says "Huh?", then erases the crack as well.
The Live Action artist sobbing over his lost pencil, and, when he finally gets it back, breaks it.
"Sandy, SpongeBob, and the Worm" has several classic moments:
In the opening montage of the worm's rampage, a police fish is writing a parking ticket for a boat parked next to a fire hydrant. We cut to a closeup of the police fish over the sound of munching, and when we cut back to a wide shot, the boat is gone. The policeman thinks for a moment, then picks up the fire hydrant, places it next to the boat in the next space back, then slaps the ticket on its windscreen and walks off whistling.
As the concerned population of Bikini Bottom gathers in the Krusty Krab, it seems the worm had quite an appetite the previous night:
Mother Fish: He ate my children's homework! (her two children grin ear to ear, wink, and give a thumbs up)
The conversation turns to what to do about the worm:
Short-order cook fish: How can we protect ourselves? Mr. Krabs: I'VE GOT IIIT! Let's all buy a Krabby Patty! (the townsfolk boo loudly and pelt Krabs with a hail of ketchup and mustard bottles) Fish: We should lock our doors! Elderly fish: We should call my nephew! Knight in full armour:(raises sword)We should dig a moat! Patrick: We should take Bikini Bottom, and push it somewhere else! (the crowd murmur dies down) Squidward: That idea may just be crazy enough... TO GET US ALL KILLED!note Squidward's only line in this episode.(the crowd begins arguing again)
Sandy tells the people of Bikini Bottom she'll go after the worm, but it'll cost them. This leads to this amazing outburst from Mr. Krabs:
Mr. Krabs:NOOO! You'll never get a CENT out of me! NEVER! I'd rather that worm come in here RIGHT NOW, and EAT YOU ALLALLIIIIIIEEEEEEVE!!!!!(wheezes and foams at the mouth as everyone silently stares at him) Ahem...sorry.
SpongeBob desperately tries to stop Sandy (who happily goes after the worm for free, as her main object is to get her tail back) from going after the worm, to no avail:
Sandy: Now, I'm gonna go give that legless rascal what-fer, and there ain't nothin' you can say to stop me! SpongeBob: Oh yeah? What if I said... blargle fedibble nohip? Sandy:(stops in her tracks for a moment) ... well, I gotta admit that slowed me down, but I'm still going for him! (marches off again) SpongeBob:(appears next to Sandy) You know, tails are so overrated. Let's just forget about it and go home! (Sandy marches on; SpongeBob runs to catch up with her) I've got ice cream! With nuts!... (Sandy ignores him and marches on; she passes SpongeBob again, now wearing a cardboard squirrel mask and a 10-gallon hat and affecting a bad Texas accent) Sandy, this is your pappy speaking, and I forbid you to go after this worm! Y'all come back here, young lady! Sandy:(marches on, looking over her shoulder) You ain't my pa! SpongeBob:(jumps into Sandy's path, now wearing boxing gloves) Sandy! If you want to get to that worm, you're gonna have to go through me! (Sandy pushes straight through SpongeBob, who splits in half as if he were a pair of swinging doors)
Sandy charges into the cave where she thinks the worm is hiding as SpongeBob whimpers and hides behind a rock. The fight seems to go Sandy's way, but SpongeBob spends the fight trying to get her attention, as there is something she doesn't know...
Sandy:(having tied the worm in a knot) Boy howdy! This critter put up some sorta fight! But I'm from Texas, and as you can see, no worm is a match for me! I even found my tail! (turns around to show her tail tied to the stump where the worm bit it off) SpongeBob: That's not the worm. Sandy:(arms folded, eyes narrowed) Pardon? SpongeBob: That's not the worm. That's its tongue. (the camera pans out to show that the "cave" is the Worm's mouth) Sandy:(eerily calm) ...Ohhhh. This is the tongue. And...the whole thing is the...worm. (beat) RUN FOR YOUR LIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIFE!!!!!
When SpongeBob and Sandy are running for their lives, Sandy initially REFUSES to admit that SpongeBob was right all along about the Worm. This hilarious exchange ensues:
SpongeBob: So what's the plan, Sandy? Sandy: Run faster! SpongeBob:(rolls his eyes) I could have thought of that... hey, wait a minute! I was right, wasn't I?! Sandy: Later! SpongeBob: Ah, he IS too big for you, isn't he? Sandy: Not now, SpongeBob! SpongeBob: I want to hear you say it. Sandy: Can we talk about this another time?! SpongeBob: Say it! Sandy:SpongeBob! SpongeBob:(sticks his foot out)Say it or I'll trip you! Sandy:NO! Get away! SpongeBob: Say it! Sandy: NOT NOW! SpongeBob:SAY IT! Sandy:OKAY! You were right, and I was wrong! I was wrong-wrong-wrong-wrong-wrong! Are you happy now?! SpongeBob:(with the smuggest look on his face) I knew it.
SpongeBob provides a moment of Gallows Humour as the gap between him and Sandy and the worm narrows:
Sandy:(noticing the coral formations they are running between) I got it! SpongeBob, you still got that paper clip and that string? SpongeBob: I'm way ahead of you, Sandy! (his hands become a blur as he makes...) Look, it's a necklace! (puts it around his neck and holds the paperclip, which is now bent into an S shape) "S" for SpongeBob, or (flips it upside-down) "S" for Sandy! That way they can identify our bodies.
What do the townsfolk do to protect Bikini Bottom while Sandy and SpongeBob are hunting down the worm? They decide to take Patrick's suggestion and push it somewhere else. Eventually down a cliff...where the Alaskan Bull Worm falls right on top of it.
The Worm:(grimacing) Ooouuuuuch.
"Secret Box" has plenty of hilarious moments:
SpongeBob tries an information exchange to get Patrick to reveal the contents of his secret box.
SpongeBob: Now will you show me what's inside your secret box? Patrick: No, SpongeBob! It's for me to know, and for you to never find out. You may be an open book, SpongeBob, but I'm a bit more complicated than that. The inner machinations of my mind are an enigma. (a thought bubble appears with a live-action carton of milk. The carton falls over, spilling.)
Later still, as Patrick keeps peeking inside the box and laughing hysterically, piquing SpongeBob's curiosity to agonising levels...
Patrick: Maybe if you saw what was inside, you'd know why it has to be secret. (dramatically) Inside this very box is the most secrety secret in all of secretdom! And I am its sole witness! It's a heavy burden, SpongeBob, but nobody must know the mystery of the box. (SpongeBob surreptitiously tries to open the box, but Patrick clamps a hand over the lid) NOBODY! Not even... Squidward's house! (cut to a wider shot, in which we see Squidward's Easter Island statue-shaped house is peering over Patrick's shoulder; as Patrick looks back at it, it bolts upright and feigns innocence)
As SpongeBob continues to obsess over the box, he hatches a plan:
SpongeBob: What could be in that box that Patrick doesn't want me to see? Maybe it's the world's only albino jellyfish. Or maybe Patrick's a master jewel thief and it's full of diamonds. Or maybe Patrick's a deranged maniac who keeps a severed head in a box! Or even worse... maybe it's an embarrassing snapshot ofmefrom the Christmas party! (SpongeBob screams and hurls himself against his bedroom window) SpongeBob: I gotta find out what's in that secret box! I'm not gonna rest until I do!... (his eyes and mouth appear through the back of his body, facing back into his bedroom) That's it! How do you look into a secret box? Secretly, of course! I'll just take the box while Patrick's sleeping, look inside, and before Patrick even has time to notice, (turns around, revealing his nose is still on the front of his body while his eyes and mouth are on the back) I'll slide it back. (turns around again) Patrick won't know, and I'll have my own little secret! Good idea, eh Gary? Gary:Hmm... NO. SpongeBob: Oh, what do you know? You're a snail!
SpongeBob using panty hose in lieu of a ski mask, where for the first few seconds after he's slipped it on it turns into the shape of a woman's leg.
The entire scene where SpongeBob sneaks through Patrick's house. Every step he takes causes some loud noise to play... and yet the thing that wakes Patrick up is SpongeBob saying that Patrick is a heavy sleeper.
Even though the episode "Band Geeks" is mainly a Moment Of Awesome, there are also some incredibly funny parts there:
Squidward's recruitment ad campaign has brought all of the series' main characters and a variety of fish extras to the first rehearsal. A pity almost none of them have any musical experience:
Squidward: People, people, settle down. OK, now, how many of you have played musical instruments before? Plankton: Do instruments of torture count? Squidward: No. Patrick: Is mayonnaise an instrument? Squidward: No Patrick, mayonnaise is not an instrument. (Patrick raises his hand again) Squidward: Horseradish isn't an instrument either. (Patrick lowers his hand)
The population of Bikini Bottom show a rather weak grasp of how band instruments, especially drums, actually work:
Squidward: Okay, try to repeat after me. (produces his clarinet and plays a six-note ascending scale) Brass section, go. (the brass section, comprising Mr. Krabs' daughter Pearl on saxophone and several other fish on trumpets, plays back the scale, not particularly in time or in tune with each other) Squidward: Now the wind! (the wind section, comprising Mrs. Puff on clarinet and two other fish on flute and a "straight" trumpet, plays back the scale, once again not exactly in tune or in time with each other) Squidward: And the drums! (the drummers, comprising SpongeBob and two other fish, stick the ends of their drumsticks in their mouths and try blowing on them, their faces turning red; eventually, the drumsticks are fired across the room, pinning Squidward to the back wall) Squidward:(glumly) Too bad that didn't kill me.
At band rehearsal:
Squidward: Let's just try stepping in rhythm. Now, I want everyone to line up in straight rows of five. SpongeBob: Is this the part where we start kicking? Squidward: No SpongeBob, that's a chorus line. Patrick: Kicking?! Oh, I wanna do some kicking! (kicks Sandy) Sandy: Ow! Why you...! (Sandy begins beating Patrick up. The fight tumbles outside) Patrick:AAAAAAHAHAHAHAAAAH!(awkward silence, then Patrick pokes his head through the door) Whoever's the owner of the white sedan, you left your lights on. (Patrick walks through the doors, revealing that he has a trombone for a neck. The instrument plays a note at every step Patrick takes. When Patrick sits down, the trombone plays a long, low note along with Patrick opening his mouth to make the sound)
During a marching rehearsal, Squidward tells the flag twirlers to twirl faster until they end up flying upwards and crashing into a blimp, which explodes. Topped off with the band members saluting while one of the trumpet players plays "Taps" after their demise, except Squidward who just lays down and curls up into a fetal position on the floor.
In the next rehearsal, Plankton shows off his harmonica solo to Squidward. Because of his size, he has to run up and down the harmonica between each note, and collapses with exhaustion after playing about two measures' worth of music.
The everyone-plays-loud scene.
Squidward: People talk loud when they want to sound smart, right? Plankton:(shouting) CORRECT! Squidward: So if we all play loud, people will think we're good! Everyone ready? (everyone gets their instruments out) And a one, and a two, and a one-two-three-four! (Loud music breaks all the warehouse windows at once) Squidward:(was hit by the force so hard that his face was blown away, making it look like a Basil Wolverton drawing and his baton snapped) Okay, new theory. Maybe we should play so quietly, no one can hear us.
And then the scene right after:
Harold: Well maybe we wouldn't sound so bad if some people didn't try to play with big meaty claws! Mr. Krabs: What did you say, punk? Harold: Big, meaty, CLAWS!! Mr. Krabs: Well these claws aren't just for attracting mates! Harold: Bring it on, old man! Bring it on! SpongeBob: No, people. Let's be smart and bring it off. Nancy: Oh, so now the talking cheese is going to preach to us!
When everyone is fighting, Patrick kicks Sandy again. She gets angry and takes revenge by taking out another trombone, to Patrick's horror. Cue the off-screen chase.
This brilliant exchange when they're at the football stadium:
Patrick:(referring to live-action humans) Those are some ugly-looking fish! SpongeBob: Maybe we're near one of those toxic waste dumps. Mr. Krabs: I think I'm gonna be sick...
Even though "Graveyard Shift" is meant to be a scary episode, it ended up pretty hilarious. Here, Mr. Krabs enlists a 24-hour food service at the Krusty Krab, and leaves SpongeBob and Squidward to hold the fort while he goes home for the night.
Just as the place closes for the night, a customer comes up to the front doors:
SpongeBob goes outside (at NIGHT!) to take out the garbage, screaming and running like mad all the while... until he steps back inside.
SpongeBob:(breathes heavily, inflating and deflating like a balloon, before suddenly stopping and snapping his fingers)Piece of cake!
"It would ruin the night shift for you." (crafty smile). Just the way Squidward goes from a sympathetic look to a sneaky one is hilarious.
Since SpongeBob is annoying him, Squidward tells SpongeBob a story about the 'Hash-Slinging Slasher', a former fry cook.
SpongeBob:(begging) Tell me the story! Squidward: Years ago at this very restaurant, the Hash-Slinging Slasher used to be a fry cook — just like you — only clumsier. And then, one night, when he was cutting the patties ....it happened. SpongeBob: He forgot the secret sauce? Squidward: No. SpongeBob: He didn't wash his hands? Squidward: No! SpongeBob: Irregular portions? Squidward:NO! He cut off his own hand by mistake. (imitates said action with his tentacles) SpongeBob: You mean like this? (pulls one of his arms out of socket, another one grows back in its place) Or like this? (pulls it again, another one grows back) Or this? (does it again) Or this? (does it again) But what about this? Or this, or this, or this, or this... Squidward:(interrupts) Except he wasn't a sponge! SpongeBob:(holding many arms) So? Squidward:SO IT DIDN'T GROW BACK! SpongeBob:(screams)OH, NO!(all extra arms lift their hands upwards and run away)
Continuing the story...
Squidward: And then, he got hit by a bus! And then, at his funeral, they FIRED him! SpongeBob:(terrified that they fired him) Squidward: So now, every... what day is it?... SpongeBob: Tuesday. Squidward: ... Tuesday night... his ghost returns to the Krusty Krab to wreak his horrible vengeance.
SpongeBob is so terrified by the story, he eats his own newly-generated spare arms.
Squidward explains how they will know the Hash-Slinging Slasher's return is nigh:
Squidward: There are three signs (holds up both arm tentacles, then adds a leg tentacle) that signal the approach of the Hash-Slinging Slasher. First... the lights will flicker on and off. Neeext... Customer:(walking up to cashier's station) Dude, can I have some ketchup? Squidward: Oh, here you go. (hands over a ketchup sachet, then turns back to SpongeBob) Neeext...
SpongeBob screaming repeatedly after Squidward's story ends with Squidward saying that "He gets ya!". While Squidward is trying to tell SpongeBob that the story is fake, we get to see a close up of SpongeBob's eyes... which have screaming mouths in place of normal pupils.
As the night shift is still going on, Squidward's hilarious complaint:
Squidward:(says to himself) Open 24 hours a day. What a stupid idea! Who wants a Krabby Patty at 3 in the morning? (cuts to Patrick's bedroom) Patrick:(Patrick's alarm clock goes off) Oh boy, 3 A.M.! (takes out a Krabby Patty and starts to eat it)
Squidward trying to remember the third sign that indicates the arrival of the Hash-Slinging Slasher:
Squidward: And then... (turns around and sees green stuff flowing down the wall, and freaks out)The walls will ooze green slime!...Oh, wait, they always do that.
When Squidward sees the Hash-Slinging Slasher, he screams "AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!" to the point where hair grow from his head. SpongeBob didn't get it at first but when Squidward points it out to him, he too screams "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!" to the point where his eyelashes grow.
Squidward:(hugging SpongeBob) SpongeBob, no matter what I've said, I've always sort of liked you! SpongeBob: Squidward, I used your clarinet to unclog my toilet! Squidward: Huh?
The episode ends with a horror movie cameo.
(the "Hash-Slinging Slasher" turns out to be a large-nosed fish asking for an application for a frycook job) Squidward: Wait! If that was you on the phone, and you on the bus... then who was flickering the lights? (the lights begin flickering again, and the camera pans to reveal the culprit as... Nosferatu, shown as an animated live action still) SpongeBob, Squidward, "Slasher": Nosferatu! (they smile and wag their fingers reprovingly; Nosferatu grins mischievously)
From "Artist Unknown":
Squidward wastes no time in trying to assert himself as SpongeBob's art teacher.
Squidward: Repeat after me. "I have no talent". SpongeBob: I have no talent. Squidward: "Mr. Tentacles has all the talent". SpongeBob: Mr. Tentacles has all the talent. Squidward: "If I'm lucky, some of Mr. Tentacles talent can rub off on me". SpongeBob: If I'm lucky, Mr. Talent will rub his tentacles...on my art.(grins) Squidward: Whatever.
According to some Mondegreens they thought SpongeBob said "If I'm lucky, Mr. Talent will rub his tentacles...on my heart".
After finding him at the dump hiding in a box of Kelpo, Squidward tries to get SpongeBob to re-create the version of Michelangelo's David that he sculpted earlier. Unfortunately, SpongeBob has taken the rigid rules in the art books Squidward tried to force on him to heart, and he succeeds only in reducing the block of marble to a pile of gravel on which he plants a clay model of Squidward's nose. Squidward screeches/squawks and then starts smashing every block of marble in the classroom.
SpongeBob:(crouches so that his head is only showing from the eyes up) It looks like the excitement of my artistic triumph is too much for Squidward! (puts the Kelpo box back over his head) Oh well, back to the dump! (charges through wall, leaving an Impact Silhouette and singing to the tune of the William Tell overture) To-the-dump, to-the-dump, to-the-dump-dump-dump...
The ending, in which it's revealed that Squidward unintentionally DID create a masterpiece... which he unwittingly credits to the rec centre janitor as he storms off in anger.
"Sailor Mouth" is eleven minutes of big laughs.
SpongeBob first discovers the "bad word":
SpongeBob: Krabs is a...hm? Krabs is a... (dolphin chirp) Garbage man: Do you kiss your mother with that mouth?! SpongeBob: Well sometimes, but not... (Garbage man leaves in disgust) ... recently.
In another example of the series' copious Parental Bonuses, when Krabs mentions that "(dolphin chirp)" is No.11 on the list of "thirteen words you should never use", Squidward asks if he means seven, a reference to the classic George Carlin monologue "Seven Words You Can Never Say on Television". Mr Krabs responds to Squidward by whispering "Not if you're a sailor!" before chuckling.
SpongeBob and Patrick's game of Eels and Escalators.
When SpongeBob arrives at the Krusty Krab:
SpongeBob: Mr. Krabs, Mr. Krabs, Mr. Krabs! Mr. Krabs: What, what, what? SpongeBob: Patrick, Patrick, Patrick! Mr. Krabs: Yes, yes, yes? SpongeBob: He said, he said, he said- Mr. Krabs: Out with it, boy! SpongeBob: (talking very fast) Me and Patrick were playing Eels and Escalators, and he was going up up up, and I had to ride the eel! And then we ran, and Patrick, he said some things. Mr. Krabs: What kind of things? SpongeBob: Well, uh, he said... Mr. Krabs: Yes? SpongeBob: Well, um, let's just say he said a certain word that you said he shouldn't say, and this particular word happens to be number eleven on the list of thirteen words you said shouldn't be said. Mr. Krabs: Uh...right. Uh, what was the part about the...who now?
The various noises used to censor the swear words, from dolphin chirps to seals barking to fog horns and other ship whistles...particularly when Mr. Krabs goes on an extended profanity-laced tirade after stubbing his toe and uses all thirteen "words that you should never use", unleashing a cacophony of nautical sound effects.
"No Free Rides":
At the beginning of the episode, SpongeBob is taking his boating test... and hits the narrator with his boat.
(the groaning narrator and his shattered camera are lying in the road in front of SpongeBob's boat) SpongeBob: (absently) Wha' happen'? Mrs. Puff: Oh, nothing, SpongeBob, you just struck another pedestrian.
When Mrs. Puff has SpongeBob write an essay to pass boating school and he finishes:
Mrs. Puff: Fantastic! Let me see it. SpongeBob: (scribbling on his essay) No, wait! I change my mind! Mrs. Puff: I'm sure what you've written is fine. Let me see. SpongeBob: No! Don't look! It's not ready! Mrs. Puff: It's so simple! Only ten words! What I learned in boating school is blankety (inhale) blankety (inhale)blank! SpongeBob: I can do this! I can do this! Mrs. Puff: What I learned in boating school iiisss...! What I learned in boating school iiiiisssss...! SpongeBob: I can do this! I can do this! (hyperventilates) Is it hot in here, Mrs. Puff?! Why is it so hot in here?! Aaahh! My hand, my hand is cramping Mrs. Puff! Make it stoooop!! Mrs. Puff: (jumps on SpongeBob's back and grabs his writing arm) You only need three! More! Wooorrrds!!
Mrs. Puff imagines the carnage caused by SpongeBob with his boating licence, and a news reporter doing a piece to camera blaming her for the chaos... a news reporter who is then hit by an oblivious SpongeBob.
Reporter: Let's...not...use that take...
In order to get SpongeBob off his brand new boat, Mrs. Puff drives through several deadly hazards such as giant clams, cheese graters and educational television.
Whatever SpongeBob did when he finds out who the thief of his boat was..
"I'm Your Biggest Fanatic". So many candidates for the Crowning Moment of Funny here:
The Running Gag of Patrick compulsively touching every exhibit and convention guest, and being repeatedly cautioned by the same security officer.
Patrick: Oh my gosh! Jeffrey Jellyfish! I have to touch you! (runs off after him) Convention Security Officer: HEY! (runs after Patrick)
Kevin's most high profile commercial endorsement (and the subject of a billboard at the convention) is an ointment for jellyfish stings.
This exchange when SpongeBob first introduces himself to Kevin:
SpongeBob: Hi Kevin, I'm your biggest fan! Kevin: You're too kind. Security! SpongeBob: No wait! I would do anything for you! Kevin: Why don't you go jump off a building? [Kevin laughs and folds his arms, until he hears SpongeBob screaming as he falls past the window of the convention center and lands with a crash] SpongeBob: [re-enters, none the worse for wear] Anything! Kevin: ...Punch yourself in the face. [SpongeBob punches himself squarely in the face with a boxing glove] Kevin: Doesn't that hurt you? SpongeBob: [takes off boxing glove and puts on spiked gauntlet] Do you...want it to hurt me, Kevin?
The sequence where Kevin is repeatedly stung by jellyfish, accompanied by a mocking, offscreen repeated "Wah wah waaaaah..." from ONE OF HIS OWN CLUB MEMBERS. It's also the deadpan, nasal tone of voice that the line is delivered in each time (Rodger Bumpass in a supporting role?) that really makes it work.
Kevin: Before you become a Jellyspotter, you have to pass a rigorous test. (the Jellyspotters laugh) Jellyspotter: Meep. Rigorous test. Meep... Kevin: Quiet, sh! (to SpongeBob) For your first test: catch a jellyfish. (a jellyfish promptly swims into SpongeBob's net) SpongeBob: Hey, I caught one! (swings his net towards Kevin) Am I a Jellyspotter now? Jellyspotters:(overlapping with each other) Meep. He caught one. Meep. He caught one... Kevin: Uh, that doesn't count. (swats SpongeBob's net; the jellyfish flies out and stings the side of his head) OUCH! (the spot stung by the jellyfish swells and turns red) Jellyspotter:(offscreen)Wah wah waaaaah... Kevin: I meant two jellyfish! (two jellyfish immediately fall into SpongeBob's net) Jellyspotters:(overlapping with each other) Meep. Two jellyfish. Meep. In the net. Meep... Kevin: Th-that's not what I meant! I meant twenty jellyfish! (eighteen more jellyfish immediately fall into SpongeBob's net) SpongeBob: Oh! Uh, let's see... one... two... three... (Kevin growls and kicks SpongeBob's net; all twenty jellyfish fly out, engulf him, and sting him in a blaze of electricity, leaving red sores all over his body) Jellyspotter:(offscreen)Wah wah waaaaah...
Kevin: Jellyspotters allow jellyfish to lick jelly off their face. (spreads jelly over the lower half of SpongeBob's face and stands back) SpongeBob:Who wants to lick my cheeks?(a swarm of jellyfish appears) I see I have some takers! Kevin: How's it feel? SpongeBob:(sporting a huge jellyfish moustache and beard)(laughs) It tickles my nose! Kevin: Not for long! (he and the other Jellyspotters laugh maliciously... until SpongeBob sneezes, firing the entire swarm of jellyfish onto Kevin's eyes, which they promptly sting) Jellyspotter:Wah wah waaaaah... Kevin:Will you cut that out?!
How does SpongeBob pacify the enormous king jellyfish when Kevin and the rest of the Jellyspotters are paralysed with fear? He blows an enormous bubble in the shape of a piece of pie... because, as he explains, "EVERYBODY loves pie."
"Krusty Love" starts with the absurd premise of Mr. Krabs and Mrs. Puff going on a date; hilarity is inevitable.
SpongeBob: That's my driving teacher, Mrs. Puff. Krabs: Mrs. Puff? (disappointed) Aw, she's married. SpongeBob: Oh no, sir, she's single. Krabs: Then what happened to Mr. Puff? (cut to a live-action shot of a pufferfish, being used as a lamp) SpongeBob: She doesn't like to talk about it.
In preparation for his date with Mrs. Puff, Mr. Krabs repeatedly sends SpongeBob off to buy gifts for her, then immediately scolds him for spending his money irresponsibly. Eventually, SpongeBob snaps:
Mr. Krabs: SpongeBob! I'm glad I caught ya. I want ya to buy Mrs. Puff- SpongeBob:(holds up his arms) WAIT! Doooon't TELL me! You want me to RUN down to the store, and buy Mrs. Puff something she doesn't need, then you want me to RUN back here (flails his legs back and forth) so you can say (pulls his eyes through the top of his head so they look like Krabs' eyes and speaks in a gruff voice) "ARRR, SPONGEBOB, YER SPENDIN' ALL ME MONEY!" And then I'll say, "But Mr. Krabs, I'm only doing what you SAID!" Then you'll say "We're not talkin' about THIS (draws a triangle with dashed lines in the air with his finger), or THIS (draws a square with dashed lines), we're talking about THIIIIS! (flails his arms until the whole screen is filled with dashed lines)"
Mr. Krabs insists that this time is different... and inevitably gives SpongeBob a telling off for spending his money on the washing machine he asked him to buy, causing SpongeBob to go off like a rocket:
Mr. Krabs: Lad, I can't help it if you're loose with other people's money! (thinks) D'you think Mrs. Puff will need a dryer to go with that? SpongeBob: Well, Mr. Krabs. Do you wanna know what I think? AAAH! Regga flegga brecka brecka smollenolla MR. KRABS! Yagga hagan mergen WALLET! Zippy bippy SPEND!(Mrs. Puff grabs a dictionary, flips through the pages, and blushes)Rippy flippy diposhibo MR. KRABS' WALLET! (SpongeBob walks past Mrs. Puff, still grumbling to himself; Mrs. Puff walks over to Mr. Krabs, whose jaw is on the ground, his face frozen in shock) Mrs. Puff: I didn't know SpongeBob had such a colorful vocabulary.
"I'm With Stupid" may be a massive Karma Houdini moment for Patrick, but it still has its funny moments:
As the episode opens, SpongeBob finds Patrick obsessively dusting the underside of his rock and creating furniture from the sand:
SpongeBob: Patrick, what's with the home improvement? (Patrick barks like a dog and carries on with his frantic cleaning) HEY, PATRICK! (Patrick ignores him) Well, Patrick, I came over to see if you wanted to go jellyfishing, but I can see you're busy having an episode. Patrick:(stops cleaning and glares angrily at SpongeBob) You know something, SpongeBob? It's just all fun and games for you. Nothing really matters. "Oh, let's go jellyfishing! We don't have any work to do!" Life is just a big bowl of fancy assorted cashews, and nobody has anything to dust, or to clean, or to wipe... or fabricate! SpongeBob: But Patrick, the only thing I've ever seen you clean is your plate! Patrick:(grabbing SpongeBob's leg and sobbing) I don't know what to do, SpongeBob! You gotta help me! SpongeBob:Patrick! You forgot how to eat again!(grabs Patrick's arm) C'mon! We'll get the funnel! Patrick: No, it's not that, SpongeBob! It's worse! SpongeBob:(with quiet irritation) Darn, I like the funnel.
This is followed by one of the most clever jokes in the entire series.
Patrick: Look! (pulls a rolled up piece of paper out of his bellybutton and hands it to SpongeBob) SpongeBob: Hey! A note! (turns it to reveal a picture of a musical note) Patrick: Yeah, but turn it over! There's a letter! SpongeBob:(turns it to reveal the letter B on the other side) You're right. (tosses it aside) Patrick:(pulls out another sheet of paper) And I got this message from my parents!
Pretty much ALL of SpongeBob's antics when he's pretending to be stupid.
When Patrick's parents address each other as Marty and Janet, Patrick bellows, "JANET? MARTY?! WHO ARE YOU PEOPLE?!?!"
Janet: Marty! I'm scared!"
The twist ending. "Oh, that's right, honey! We don't have a son!" (Patrick's real parents' names are revealed in a later episode to be Herb and Marge.)
"As Seen On TV":
The KrustyKrabcommercial. Pearl and Squidward (in drag) go to the Krusty Krab largely because they have more money than they know what to do with, their lines are mostly delivered in a wooden monotone, several shots feature a visible boom mike... all adding up to a minute and a half of hilarity.
The fact that Squidward's rather ambitious variation of the Krusty Krab commercial apparently involves at least twenty-eight scenes, an understudy for the Krusty Krab building itself and for Mr. Krabs, an incredibly professional crew, and a pile of useless junk.
The next day, Old Man Jenkins tells SpongeBob he saw him on TV the previous night. Cut to a flashback, where he is watching a cereal commercial with the none-too-inspiring "jingle" "New Bran Flakes. Bold new taste. Bran flakes," and apparently believes SpongeBob was the box.
SpongeBob Wow! He recognised me! (walks off) Old Man Jenkins: Yep, see you later Bran Flakes! (to himself) What a nice cereal box.
SpongeBob mistakes the crowd of hungry customers for his "adoring public" and launches into a musical number:
"The best time to wear a striped sweateeeeerrrrr...is aaalll the tiiiiiiime..."
From "Big Pink Loser":
Patrick showing everything he can "his" new award.
Patrick: Rock! I got an award! (antenna on rock falls off) Patrick: Jellyfish! I got an award! (ZAP) Patrick:(hops up to the island above Bikini Bottom) Island! I got an awa—(chokes on lack of water)
Patrick is given the task of answering the phone at the Krusty Krab:
(phone rings, Patrick answers) Customer: Is this the Krusty Krab? Patrick:No, this is Patrick. (hangs up and begins whistling, phone rings again and he answers) Second Customer: Is this the Krusty Krab? Patrick:(Annoyed voice)No, this is Patrick!(hangs up and goes back to whistling, phone rings yet again, he answers again) Third Customer:Is this the Krusty Krab? Patrick:(Yelling at top of lungs)NO!!! THIS IS PATRICK!!!!!(slams phone down) I am not a Krusty Krab! SpongeBob: Uh Patrick, that's the name of the restaurant. Patrick: Huh? (grimaces angrily) Fishpaste!
Plankton's method of distracting Krabs:
Plankton: I've been saving this for a rainy day. It looks like an ordinary penny, because it is an ordinary penny!
"Ravioli, ravioli, give me the formuloli."
"HELLO, SPONGEBOB.(exhaust)IT IS I, MR. KRABS.(exhaust)IN THE FLESH.(exhaust)STANDING RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOU.(exhaust)WITH NO ONE ELSE AROUND.(exhaust)"
The scene where Krabs and Plankton run at each other, making Broadway poses in the process.
Plankton introduces the contestant competing on behalf of the Chum Bucket:
Plankton: Ladies and Gentlemen. Turn your attention to the southwest corridor. Other way. Imbeciles. And stop! Perfect! Representing the Chum Bucket, a creature so fearsome, so terrible, so mind-bendingly large, that those of you with weak constitutions may want to leave the stadium. Muscle Fish:(trembling) I've gotta get out of here! (Starts running, but Plankton stops him dead in his tracks) Plankton: Too late! Ready or not, here he comes. Quake with fear, you mortal fools! Bow down, before the awesome might, of (CRASH) this huge guy who's carrying the real contestant: Patrick Star!
When they rip their suits off for the fight, Patrick has a business suit under his workout suit, which he also tears off.
Patrick takes SpongeBob's shoe off and literally licks his foot. Before that, they accidentally let go of each other and start beating themselves up. Then they realize what happened and go back to fighting.
SpongeBob erasing the first three letters from Patrick's Chum Bucket nametag is apparently a serious offence:
SpongeBob storms out of the Krusty Krab after Squidward and Krabs laugh off his idea of multi-coloured Pretty Patties, vowing to open his own restaurant. He returns home to find Patrick standing near his rock, brow seemingly furrowed in anger.
SpongeBob:(grumpily) Hey Patrick, are you angry too? Patrick:(equally grumpily) Yeah! SpongeBob: What's the matter? Patrick: I can't see my forehead!
SpongeBob and Patrick open their Pretty Patties stand for business, but no customers show up. A Time Passes Montage shows SpongeBob jumping to middle age, old age, and then a grave while his pineapple in the background turns brown, collapses as insects swarm around it, then vanishes altogether. However, it was All Just a Dream, and this exchange ensues:
SpongeBob: (wakes up with a start) Patrick! How long have we been sitting here? Patrick:(looks at his wrist, on which he has drawn a watch face with "1", "2", "7", and "R" in the 12/3/6/9 positions) Uhh... I gotta draw a new battery for this! (takes out a pencil and begins changing the "display") SpongeBob: What if Mr. Krabs was right? Maybe my idea is dumb! (starts crying) Patrick: SpongeBob, sometimes we have to look deep inside ourselves to solve our problems. SpongeBob: I'm scared! Patrick: Then I'm going in for ya! (he proceeds to climb into SpongeBob through one of his pores; SpongeBob suddenly inflates, his eyes spinning dizzily) Sorry! Stupid inflatable pants! (he climbs out of SpongeBob) SpongeBob: Did you find anything? Patrick: Huh?
When Gary finally returns to SpongeBob at the end of the episode, Patrick is left in his underwear doing his laundry at SpongeBob's house:
Patrick: Gary?... I THOUGHT WHAT WE HAD WAS SPECIAL!!!
"Pre-Hibernation Week" has plenty of moments of hilarity:
Twice, an ordinarily normal-looking fish is revealed to apparently wear Osh-Kosh overalls, a beanie, and a giant lollipop underneath his regular clothes (well, okay, the second time Sandy just ripped up a building from its foundation and revealed the fish in the kiddy clothes, but anyway). One short pause later, the fish responds with "Uhh, I Can Explain..."
Sandy throws an exhausted SpongeBob a fishing pole and points to a nearby light aeroplane as she announces "We're going fly fishin'!" - followed by a cutaway to a (live-action) drummer delivering a rimshot.
An exhausted SpongeBob finally escapes Sandy's weeklong adrenaline rush and hides under Patrick's rock, but his clothes are snagged on a piece of coral. When Sandy finds them, she fears the worst and rallies the entire population of Bikini Bottom to search for him.
Sandy: Alpha Team, you search uptown, Gold Team searches downtown! (beat) Muscle fish: GOLD TEAM RULES!
During the search:
Blue Fish:(peers into a spout) Hey, SpongeBob! (blast of sulfur hits him in the face, charring it black and messing it up) Well...at least I still have my personality.
As the search continues:
Fish covered in poison sea urchins: He's not at the poison sea urchin cove. Sandy: Well look again. Fish covered in leeches: He's not at the leech farm. Sandy: Well look again! Squidward:He's not in my thoughts. Sandy: Well THINK again!
When Sandy has run the rest of the population of Bikini Bottom ragged, they resort to increasingly desperate attempts to persuade her they have found SpongeBob:
Fish:(whispering aside to another fish) This is a load of barnacles. Sandy: I heard that! No one's goin' anywhere 'til we find SpongeBob! Muscle fish: Uh, wait! (grabs the fish standing next to him and holds him up) Uh, here he is! Sandy: That ain't SpongeBob! SpongeBob is square! (The muscle fish squeezes the other fish into a square shape) Square fish:(in a poor imitation of SpongeBob)I'm ready! I'm ready! Sandy: No you ain't! Other fish:(holding up Kelpo box) I found SquareBob! Sandy: That's just a cereal box! 'Sides, he's yellow! Third fish:(holding up a banana) Uh, here he is! Hey, can I go home now?
In the final scene, having thrown SpongeBob from their shared hiding place under Patrick's rock, the rest of the people of Bikini Bottom are still hiding there when Patrick (who has missed the rest of the episode) returns, carrying a bag of groceries and licking an ice cream cone...
"Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy III" is one giant Crowing Moment of Funny from beginning to end.
SpongeBob's attempt to rehabilitate Man-Ray:
SpongeBob: Okay, goodness lesson number one: You see someone drop their wallet. (whispering to Patrick) Pat, drop the wallet. (Patrick drops his wallet) SpongeBob: Now what would you do? Man-Ray: Excuse me, sir, but I do believe you've dropped your wallet. Patrick: Doesn't look familiar to me. Man-Ray: What? But I just saw you drop it. Here. Patrick: Nope, it's not mine. Man-Ray: It is yours. I am trying to be a good person in returning it to you. Patrick: Return what to who? (Man Ray facepalms in frustration, then takes Patrick's ID card out of the wallet) Man-Ray: Aren't you Patrick Star? Patrick: Yep. Man-Ray: And this is your ID. Patrick: Yep. Man-Ray: I found this ID in this wallet. And if that's the case, this must be...your wallet. Patrick: That makes sense to me. Man-Ray: Then take it. Patrick: It's not my wallet.
Then there was goodness lesson number 2 in which Man Ray had to offer to help Patrick carry a heavy box. After having Patrick drop the box on Man-Ray's foot several times before he can help him, we get this:
Man-Ray: OW! YOU BUTTERED-FINGERED PINK THING! What's in that box, anyhow?! Patrick: My wallets.
Man-Ray's comment on actually reforming from his evil ways: "Besides, I have checks - with little poodles on them!"
When Mr. Krabs gets his arms pulled off trying to retrieve a dime that has fallen down the sink, he leaves Squidward in charge while he is having them re-attached. Squidward decides to leave SpongeBob to handle the register while he takes the day off, claiming to have errands to run. However, he keeps having flashes of paranoia that SpongeBob is either spying on him or causing the Krusty Krab to burn down in his absence, and at one point he charges through the front doors with a fire extinguisher:
(after the foam clears, SpongeBob is left with a foam moustache and Squidward with a foam beard) SpongeBob: May I help you, sir? Squidward:(rubs off foam beard) It's me, you dunce! SpongeBob: Oh, hi Squidward! (his foam moustache falls off) How are those errands going? Squidward: What's that supposed to mean!? I'm very busy! SpongeBob:(innocently) I'm sure you are. Squidward:(suspicious) I don't like your tone! SpongeBob:(singing falsetto) I'm sure you aaaare!... How's that?
Squidward's paranoia finally causes him to snap, and he jumps from the bathtub and runs nude (except for some strategically placed suds) through Bikini Bottom back to the Krusty Krab. He passes the hospital as Mr. Krabs, his arms newly re-attached, is walking out of the front exit. When he sees the nude, deranged Squidward run past, Krabs' arms immediately fall off again, and, his expression unchanging, he turns and walks back into the hospital.
From "Pressure", when SpongeBob, Mr. Krabs, Patrick, and Squidward challenge Sandy on doing several things, SpongeBob asks her, "More importantly, can you do this?" Then he, Mr. Krabs, Patrck, and Squidward widen their eyes and start gasping.
"Squidville" packs a "too much of a good thing" plot with plenty of hilarious moments.
After Squidward has moved to Tentacle Acres, he gets a phone call from SpongeBob, who tries to persuade him to move back to his old house. As we see the conversation from Squidward's perspective, SpongeBob's lines register as unintelligible gibberish. When Squidward hangs up, the scene cuts to SpongeBob's house... where he and Patrick have a brief exchange in the same unintelligible gibberish heard over the phone.
A bored Squidward finally gives in to the temptation to have fun with both the "blow" and "suck" modes on a reef blower. At one point, he hides in a mobile coffee stand and sucks the eyes and noses of the faces of two squids, then blows them back - but gives one squid two pairs of eyes, and the other two noses.
Two-nosed squid: What are you looking at? Four-eyed squid: Nose.
By this time, SpongeBob and Patrick have managed to get into Tentacle Acres in a bid to apologise to Squidward and persuade him to return. They see Squidward run past cackling maniacally...
SpongeBob: Hey, that looked like Squidward! (the other Tentacle Acres residents run past, shouting furiously) That looked like Squidward also! In angry mob form!
SpongeBob and Patrick's method for picking Squidward out of a crowd of nearly identical squids is not exactly scientific...
SpongeBob: Are you Squidward? Male squid: No! SpongeBob:(walks to the next squid) Are you Squidward? Female squid: No! Patrick:(to fire hydrant) Are you Squidward? (Beat) That's okay, take your time.
In "Snowball Effect" there's Patrick's attempts to create a snowball. He creates a snow cube, then a snow triangle, then somehow makes a snow double-helix.
"Uh, Squidward, that wasn't the peace treaty, that was a copy of the peace treaty."
"SNOW ANGELS! HA HA HA! (snow angel is round) Aw."
From "The Algae's Always Greener", there's SpongeBob's "Eh! Eh! Eh! Eh!" take after Plankton tells him he was using too much sauce. His expression everytime he says it is outright hilarious (see the page image!).
"MAKE IT STOP?!" (siren goes off) "What, did I say the secret word?"
"GOOD GRIEF, HE'S NAKED!!!"
"Evil" Mr. Krabs getting caught with an article of clothing - a bra.
Mr. Krabs: Aww, ya got me! Well, at least it's underwire. Here's yer stinkin' patty! (He throws the patty back to Plankton.) Plankton: I don't understand. Is there a gas leak in here?
The perfect graduation speech:
Plankton: IT'S NOT WORTH IT! IT'S JUST NOT WORTH IT! Goodbye everyone, I'll remember you all in therapy!
SpongeBob: A customer ordered a medium soda and I gave him a large! I GAVE HIM A LAAARGE!!!!! I've soiled the good Krusty Krab name! SOILED IT! SOILED IT! SOILED IT! SOILED IT!
The live switching scene, where Plankton is seen flailing and screaming. Seconds before the scene ends, he suddenly stops and gets a soda.
The scene where he hides in a ketchup squeeze bottle in another attempt to steal a krabby patty.
"What, it's just a normal Krabby(shows a hideous Krabby Patty)OH MY GOODNESS!!!"
"So long, shrimp!" (Humanoid shrimp looks at Mr. Krabs)
"SpongeGuard on Duty" had its share:
After SpongeBob and Patrick talk about SpongeBob's dream to be a lifeguard:
All of the perverted jokes about the "white stuff" thing.
From 'Club SpongeBob':
Squidward:Why must every 11 minutes of my life by filled with misery??? WHY-HY-HY-HYYY??!! SpongeBob:(comes over to Squidward) Aw, cheer up, Squid. It could be worse. Patrick: Yeah, you could be bald and have a big nose. (camera pans to Squidward, with his bald head and big nose) Squidward: Well, this is the end. SpongeBob: No it's not, Squidward! Patrick:(building coffins) It's not?
This classic line:
SpongeBob: Oh Magic Conch Shell, what do we need to do to get out of the Kelp Forest? (pulls string) Conch: Nothing.
ALL HAIL THE MAGIC CONCH! OOLOOLOOLOOLOOLOOLOO!
The magic conch is a troll:
Patrick: Magic conch, can Squidward have this yummy delicious superterrific sandwich? Conch: No. Patrick: Hmm...can I have this yummy delicious superterrific sandwich? Conch: Yes. Patrick: ALRIGHT! (inhales sandwich like a vacuum cleaner) Sorry, Squidward. Squidward: Give me that! Can I have something to eat?! Conch: No. Squidward: Can I have something to eat?! Conch: No. Squidward: Can I have something to eat?! Conch: No. Squidward: Can't you say anything else but "no"?! Conch: Try asking again. Squidward:(hopefully) Can I have something to eat? Conch(in a mocking tone)No!
And the twist ending.
"My Pretty Seahorse":
The bowl of onions gag.
Squidward:(starts sniffling and sobbing after SpongeBob begs Mr. Krabs not to make him let Mystery go, but then notices a bowl of onions) Hey, who left this bowl of onions here? (later, after Mr. Krabs relates how he used his dollar to buy a soda) What? Would you get out of here?! (later, as SpongeBob leads Mystery out of the kitchen, a fish is crying as well, but then notices Squidward holding the bowl of onions under his nose) Fish: HEY!
Near the end of the episode, when SpongeBob is shooing his seahorse away, he closes his eyes while he's crying and doesn't notice the seahorse leave. Patrick then comes by with a board nailed to his head, right when SpongeBob screams "Just get out of here, you stupid, dumb animal!", which causes Patrick to silently and emotionlessly turn and walk away.
In the final scene, Patrick, with the board still nailed to his head, keeps trying to enter a hat store.
"Just One Bite":
SpongeBob is trying to convince Squidward to eat a Krabby Patty.
Squidward: Try one of those radioactive sludgeballs you call food?!? Next I suppose you'll want me to go square dancing with Patrick! SpongeBob:(to Patrick in a cowboy suit) Sorry, Patrick... (Patrick moans in disappointment and sulks away)
SpongeBob: But it's good for you! Squidward: G-"Good for you"?! That thing is a heart attack on a bun! SpongeBob: No, Squidward, I meant...good for your soul... (angelic background and singing) Squidward: Oh, puh-leeze. I have no soul! (hellish background and evil music) Demonic Voice: Bwahahahahahaaa! (Squidward's eyes widen, music stops short and he walks away)
The deleted part where Squidward repeatedly gets doused with gas and set ablaze.
Squidward bites a tiny bit of meat from the Krabby Patty. He then goes on to talk about how disgusting the Patty tasted.
SpongeBob: Are you sure? Squidward: Does THIS look unsure to you??? (camera reveals Squidward's stern face designed in a surreal Nightmare Fuel fashion) SpongeBob: No.
Moments later after SpongeBob walks back inside, Squidward frantically digs up the Krabby Patty.
Squidward:(with tears of joy) Still alive!! (eats the sand-covered Krabby Patty) So DELICIOUS! All the wasted years! (sobs and licks the ground where the Krabby Patty was buried)
From that same episode we get this:
Squidward: What do I have to do? Eat one out of the garbage?! Random fish with a bulging stomach: I wish I could eat this [Krabby Patty with a single bite], but I'm so darn full. Oh well. (tosses Krabby Patty in the garbage) Squidward: I had to say garbage. But, OKAY. (runs to the garbage can, which reveals the Krabby Patty on top. Squidward dives headfirst into the garbage can and eats ravenously. However, Squidward then looks into the trash can again, which is now empty of all its contents except the Krabby Patty)
SpongeBob: You like Krabby Patties, don't you Squidward?
SpongeBob's face◊ when he has this realisation is priceless, to the extent of becoming a Memetic Mutation.
SpongeBob: Hi, I'm SpongeBob! Flatts: Hi, SpongeBob. I'm going to kick your butt. SpongeBob:[gasps, then laughs] That joke was almost funnier the second time! Flatts:[leans over SpongeBob menacingly] No. I mean it. SpongeBob:[laughs again] That time it almost seemed like... [Flatts rips his shirt and the hair on his chest off which says underneath "I MEAN IT"]. SpongeBob:[horrified]...you did mean it.
Mr. Krabs: Wash your hands, clean the floors, change your underwear! The health inspector's here! (he and SpongeBob peek out the kitchen window at the health inspector, who is writing on a clipboard) If he finds one health violation, he'll close us down for good. We've got to do everything in our power to make sure he passes the Krusty Krab. SpongeBob: But Mr. Krabs, there's no reason to worry. (eyes glitter) The Krusty Krab is the most perfect place in the universe. Mr. Krabs: You really haven't got any brains at all, have you, son?
The Running Gag where SpongeBob repeatedly says "Imaginaaation," while forming a rainbow with his hands.
SpongeBob: With (forms rainbow with his fingers) imaginaaaaation, I can be anything I want! A pirate! Arrg! A football player! Hutt! Patrick:(interrupts) A starfish! Squidward:Patrick, you're already a starfish. Patrick: See Squidward, it works!
In the first few minutes of the episode, this exchange occurs:
Patrick: Let's play Mountain Climbing Adventure! SpongeBob: Let's go for it! (pulls the flaps of the box over on them) Gloves! Patrick: Check. SpongeBob: Hats! Patrick: Check. SpongeBob: Underwear! Patrick: Uh... (checks) check! SpongeBob: OK Patrick, climb up there and secure this rope. Patrick: You got it! (climbing noises come from the box) SpongeBob: Patrick! Patrick! Patrick, you're going too high! Squidward: I hope they put some air holes in that box. (goes inside the house) SpongeBob: Take it easy, Patrick, you've got to acclimate! Patrick: I'll take it easy when I'm dead! I'm shaking hands with Neptune! Woo! Excelsior! Squidward:(opens his door) Now where's that remote? (walks up to the remote, which is right next to the box. He picks it up) Patrick: I am the lizard king! Whoo! SpongeBob: Patrick? Patrick? Patrick! I think we need to keep our voices down! We might start an avalanche! Patrick: What? SpongeBob: I said, I think we should keep our voices down, in case of avalanches! Patrick: What should we keep down? Squidward: Morons. SpongeBob:OUR VOICES! Squidward: WILL YOU TWO SHUT UP?! (he kicks the box, causing an avalanche inside it) SpongeBob and Patrick:(screaming, then whimpering) Squidward: Sponge...Bob? (touches box lightly with a tentacle tip; more screaming) SpongeBob and Patrick:AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!
The conversation that follows, with SpongeBob and Patrick talk about cutting limbs off and Squidward opening the box to find SpongeBob and Patrick okay.
The memorial for the brave soldiers who fought on Robot Pirate Island.
When the rescue team comes after SpongeBob and Patrick talk about cutting off their limbs.
Rescuer: This is the rescue team speaking! The saws are on the way! SpongeBob and Patrick: Yaaaaay!
Squidward's trying to drown out SpongeBob and Patrick's games with his new TV:
TV Announcer: It is here that the box has reach its final stage of assembly. (Squidward changes the channel) Scientist Fish: The equation is illustrated here by this box. (Squidward changes the channel) Boy Fish: I couldn't get you anything this year, so I got you this box. Girl Fish: That's what I got you! Squidward: Isn't there anything on that isn't about BOXES?! TV Announcer: And welcome back to championship boxing! Squidward: Heheh, I guess this is okay. I mean it's not really about boxes... (cut to the TV screen showing two boxes fighting in the ring.) Squidward: ...I give up.
Squidward imagining what they're really doing in the box:
SpongeBob:(taking out a tape recorder and playing it)(laughs) Squidward's such a jerk.
The first part of SpongeBob and Sandy's karate fight:
Sandy: Hi-yah! (karate chops SpongeBob into the air. SpongeBob crashes into the ground, followed by his pants, socks, and shoes. He stands up with the clothing on his head and feet in some food) SpongeBob: I may be down, but I'm not out! (looks down at his feet, which are in some potato salad at a family picnic) Tom: Way to go, buddy. It took us three days to make that potato salad. (SpongeBob jumps away) THREE DAYS!!!
Reg: Welcome to the Salty Spitoon. How tough are ya? Muscular Fish: How tough am I? How tough am I? I had a bowl of nails for breakfast this morning! Reg:(chuckles) Yeah, so? Muscular Fish: Without any milk. Reg:(visibly afraid) Uhh, right this way! Sorry to keep you waiting!
On determining SpongeBob's toughness:
Reg: How tough are ya? SpongeBob: How tough am I? You got a new bottle of ketchup? Reg: Sure. (hands the bottle of ketchup to SpongeBob) SpongeBob: It's on! (strains to open it but he can't) If I could just run this under some hot water... Reg: Get outta here. This place is too tough for you, little man. SpongeBob: Too tough for me?? That's downright ridiculous. I'll have you know I stubbed my toe last week while watering my spice garden, and I only cried for twenty minutes. Reg: Listen, kid. I think you'd be more comfortable over at that place. (points to the building across the street) SpongeBob: Weenie Hut Jr's?! Are you saying I belong at Weenie Hut Jr's? Reg: Oh no, sorry, I was actually pointing at the place next to it. (points to another building) SpongeBob:Super Weenie Hut Jr's?! Reg: Yeah. Unless you think you're tough enough to fight me. (SpongeBob breathes deeply, as if to say something. Scene then cuts to him sitting in a seat at Weenie Hut Jr's)
Words cannot describe the hilarity of this part:
(SpongeBob walks over to Reg with a black wig on) SpongeBob look-alike:(cool voice) What's shakin', mah man? Reg: Not much. Say, haven't I seen you before? SpongeBob look-alike:(cool voice) Doubt it - I'm a drifter - just blew into town. Heard your club was pretty tough, thought I'd check it out. Reg: Nice try, kid. I know it's you. SpongeBob look-alike:(Normal SpongeBob voice) What're you talking about? (Reg pulls SpongeBob's hair, but it is still attached to his head) Reg: Aha! (the hair does not come off. Another SpongeBob walks up with a clown wig on) SpongeBob: Hey, everybody, what's goin' on? (Reg tries to redo the other's hair but can't. Look-alike gives Reg a Death Glare.) Reg: Ah, you can go in. Sorry about that. (SpongeBob look-alike angrily walks in) What do you want? SpongeBob: I'd like to gain entrance to your social club, please. (puffs wig) I believe my hairdo is in order. (Reg rips the wig off SpongeBob's head. SpongeBob laughs nervously) So, uhh, where do you stand on the whole bald vs. shaved debate?...
For the ending of this episode:
Reg: I never thought I'd say this, but go ahead in. SpongeBob: Really? I can go in? Oh my gosh, I never thought this moment would come! I, SpongeBob SquarePants, am tough enough to get into the Salty Spittoon! This is the happiest day of my liiiife! (walks in; scene cuts to an ambulance driving down the street with SpongeBob in bandages and Sandy by his side) Sandy? (groans) What happened? Sandy: You ran inside and slipped on an ice cube. (ambulance arrives at the hospital; scene cuts to Sandy wheeling SpongeBob in front of the doctor) Doctor: What happened? SpongeBob: I slipped on an ice cube and got covered in boo-boos! Doctor: Boo-boos, eh? Hmmm...I think you guys want that hospital. (points across the street to another hospital) SpongeBob:Weenie Hut General?!
After SpongeBob and Squidward see Mr. Krabs with red eyes, tongs, and dead batteries run into the bathroom.
Squidward:(to SpongeBob) I'll evacuate the customers, you call the Navy! SpongeBob: Hello, operator, get me the Navy! Answering Machine: Hello, you've reached the Navy's automated phone service! SpongeBob: Squidward, the robots are running the Navy! Squidward: NOT THE NAVY! (over intercom) Attention, everyone, run for your lives! Robots are taking over the world! (no one moves) OUR WORLD! (customers scream and run out of the restaurant.)
SpongeBob: In the movie the hero teams up with a buddy and get the poop on the robot. Squidward: They poop on the robot?
During their first outing as parents, they pass a fish couple pushing a baby carriage. As the parents take in the sight of SpongeBob and Patrick and the scallop, a thought bubble appears over their heads with the rebus "(Sponge) + (Starfish) = (Scallop)?", causing them to make disgusted faces.
Later on, they are seen riding a bike. The last time they ride past the "camera", SpongeBob and Patrick are chasing after the bike with the baby still on it!
After their first day as parents:
Patrick: Hey, SpongeBob? (goes to what appears to be the right side of the bed) SpongeBob:(goes to what appears to be the left side) Yes, Patrick? Patrick: I never thought being a parent could be this much fun. SpongeBob: Me neither. (scene zooms out, revealing that Patrick is sleeping on the bottom mattress and SpongeBob is sleeping on the top) Patrick: Well, good night SpongeBob. SpongeBob: Good night, Patrick. (SpongeBob's mattress slams shut on top of Patrick)
SpongeBob: Patrick, what about my break? Patrick: Oh yeah, your break. Tommorow, I promise. SpongeBob: Um, okay. Tommorow. Narrator: Tomorrow. Patrick: Whew, another tough day! SpongeBob: Patrick, I'm so glad you're home! I can't wait for my break! Patrick: Work was a killer...I need my chair... SpongeBob: But Patrick, I really need my... Patrick: Tomorrow for sure. Narrator: Tomorrow For Sure. SpongeBob: Patrick...? Patrick: I'll get to it eventually. Narrator: Eventually. SpongeBob: ...Uhh...? Patrick: Uhh... Narrator: Uhh.
And finally, the ending, which sparked a thousand controversies about SpongeBob and Patrick:
SpongeBob: Junior? He's flying! Patrick: I guess he's all grown up! (Junior kisses SpongeBob then flies off) Hey, what about Daddy? (Junior drops a coconut on Patrick's head, then kisses him) That's my boy! SpongeBob: Goodbye. Patrick: Goodbye, Junior! SpongeBob: Well Patrick, he doesn't need us anymore. Patrick: This is the hardest part of every parent's life, I assume. SpongeBob: Despite all we've been through, it was worth it. Patrick: Yeah... Let's have another. (SpongeBob looks shocked)
SpongeBob goes a bit overboard with mentally preparing for the job of painting Krabs' house:
SpongeBob: Ok, Patrick, let's get our brushes ready. (holds up his big brush) Uhh, maybe we should start with a smaller brush. (takes another small brush and gets a hair out of his nose. Patrick gets all his hairs out of his nose on his brush. SpongeBob dips the brush into the can and then faces the wall) Alright, Patrick, gotta get started painting this wall. With the permanent paint that we're not allowed to get on anything but the wall. Well, here we go. Narrator: One hour later. SpongeBob:(still standing in the same spot) Just a few more seconds of mental preparation and I'll be painting this wall! Narrator: Two hours later. SpongeBob:(still standing in the same spot and sweating) I'm getting to the painting... Narrator: Three hours later. Patrick:Can you move it along? I'm all out of time cards.
"Wet Painters" is filled with Moments of Funny, but the funniest moment occurs when SpongeBob accidentally makes a giant paint bubble:
SpongeBob:What could be worse than a giant paint bubble?! Patrick: Ooh! I know! (produces a bubble wand, dips in into the paint, and blows another giant paint bubble)Two giant paint bubbles! (the bubbles collide and form one MASSIVE paint bubble) SpongeBob: Patrick, I don't think this bubble can get much bigger! Patrick: Nonsense! (produces a bike pump to hook up to the paint bubble, inflating it further) SpongeBob: Pat, NO! (Bubble pops)
While trying to remove the paint stain from Mr. Krab's dollar by whaling it with a bat:
Patrick: Oof! Oof! OOF! SpongeBob: NOTHING'S WORKING! Patrick: Wait, SpongeBob! we're not cavemen! (walks over to a late 90's style desktop computer) We have technology! (picks up the computer and smashes it on the dollar, grunting as he does, the computer makes beeping sounds as he smashes it, the dollar is unharmed) SpongeBob:It didn't work.
When Mr. Krabs comes home.
Mr. Krabs: Crimminy-Jim-jim! You messed up my dollar...(moves toward a random shelf of dolls) rama! (SpongeBob and Patrick look confused) Mr. Krabs: All these dolls in this Doll-O-Rama were perfectly aligned! (adjusts one of the dolls to an upright position) And you boys thought I wouldn't notice.
When Mr. Krabs discovers the hiding spot and throws away a bunch of paintings (one of them Painty the Pirate, seen in the opening). He then sees SpongeBob behind the final one.
SpongeBob:(Nervously) H-hey, Mr.Krabs... Krabs: SpongeBob, what are you doing? SpongeBob: Oh, y'know, just...hangin' around? Patrick:(gives thumbs down)BOO!
As Mr. Krabs is picking SpongeBob up off the wall:
SpongeBob: No, Mr. Krabs! No! Don't look at the trick!
When Mr. Krabs had finally seen the damage:
Mr. Krabs: Did you two get paint all over me first dollar? SpongeBob: We're sorry, Mr. Krabs! Patrick:(simultaneously) We're so sorry! Mr. Krabs:(looks at dollar again) And then did you draw on it with crayon?! (dollar has a smiley face and two dollar signs drawn on with green crayon) Patrick:(holding green crayon) I thought, you know, maybe he'd buy it. Mr. Krabs: Alright boys, you know what I've gotta do now?!? SpongeBob: You mean our butts? Patrick: Can I use mine one last time?
'Krusty Krab Training Video'. The reason this episode's so funny is because it has absolutely No Fourth Wall.
SpongeBob repeatedly asking the narrator if he can make a Krabby Patty, only to be turned down every time (except at the end).
Narrator: Sounds like a lot of... Child: HOOPLA! Narrator: Sounds like a lot of... Child: HOOPLA! Narrator: Sounds like a... (Camera swerves right to view the young, green fish shouting) Child:HOOPLA! HOOPLA!(gets hit on the head with a brick then falls down) Narrator: Sounds like a lot of hoopla to make over a little Krabby Patty, right? (chuckles)WRONG!
SpongeBob: Does this mean I get to make a Krabby Patty now? Narrator: No, you can't make a Krabby Patty without understanding the phrase "P.O.O.P." (the letters in the acronym appear in a vertical line) SpongeBob: P.O.O.P.? Narrator: Once you understand P.O.O.P., you'll understand your place at the Krusty Krab. But what does P.O.O.P. mean? (SpongeBob shrugs) It's actually a carefully organised code. Watch closely: People Order Our Patties. (the words appear as the narrator says them) SpongeBob(brightly) Ahh! P.O.O.P.! (smiles) Narrator: Looks like Mr. SquarePants understands P.O.O.P. (cut to the Krusty Krab; a fish approaches Squidward at the cash register) Here's a typical customer. I wonder what he wants. Well, if we just remember P.O.O.P., we can figure it out. Fish: I'd like to order- (picture freezes) Narrator: Do you think he's going to order A: a sofa, B: an expensive haircut, or C: a patty? (the answers appear on the screen as he says them, then disappear as the picture unfreezes) Fish: -one patty, please. Narrator: Ah, P.O.O.P., you never let us down!
The exchange between Squidward and Patrick:
Narrator:(as Patrick walks up to the door, glances at the sign, scratches his back, and enters the Krusty Krab) Now we go from behind the scenes to the front lines, where we'll examine the most important aspect of the industry, the customer. Or as we say, the 'Krustomer'. Patrick:(stops, terrified) Who said that?! Are you a ghost?!? Narrator: Like precious, precious blood in an animal, the customer is what makes the Krusty Krab strong and alive. Patrick: Squidward, your ceiling is talking to me! Squidward: Are you going to order something or just make friends with the paneling? Patrick: Uhh...I'll have an uhh...uhh...uhh...ah... (falls asleep and drools 'til Squidward snaps his fingers, causing him to wake up) What's that? Squidward: Patrick, go be stupid somewhere else. Narrator: Ah-ah-ah, Squidward, remember what Mr. Krabs says. (pan over to a hanging cutout of Mr. Krabs with a speech balloon) Mr. Krabs: The money is always right! Patrick: The ceiling is right Squidward, you're not a very good employee. Squidward: Fine. May I please take your order? Patrick: I'll have uhh... uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh... (drools again as Squidward gets angry) Narrator:(scene cuts to Squidward and Patrick, Patrick is still saying uhhhhhh...) Let's check in on Squidward again. Psst, Squidward. Squidward: Huh? Narrator: Just remember: POOP. Squidward: Patrick, if I could make a suggestion, why don't you order a Krabby Patty? Patrick: Great idea, Squidward! One Krabby Patty, please. Squidward:(sighs) Will that be here or for to go? (immediately realizes his mistake and quickly covers his mouth, but it's too late) Patrick: Uuhhhhhh... (Squidward bangs his head against the register)
SpongeBob has apparently resorted to underhanded means to ensure the invited guests attend his party:
SpongeBob: Squidward, you made it! Squidward: My cable's out. SpongeBob: Oh, sorry to hear about that. (pushes pliers deeper in his back pocket)
"I don't even know how that happened."
"I WAS SUPPOSED TO LEAD THE BUNNY HOP!!"
When he's arrested, the policewoman complains that the handcuffs are broken. The policeman says "I got an old pair in the trunk!" Cue SpongeBob in an old-fashioned wooden shackle.
"Chocolate With Nuts":
This infamous scene:
(Outside Tom's house) SpongeBob: Okay Patrick, this is it - the first step on our road to livin' fancy. (they ring the doorbell and Tom answers) SpongeBob: Good afternoon, sir. Could we interest you in some chocolate? Tom: Chocolate? Did you say chocolate? Patrick: Yes sir, with or without nuts? Tom: Chocolate?! CHOCOLATE?!(screaming)CHOCOLATE!!! CHOCOLATE!!!CHOCOLATE!!!(terrified, SpongeBob and Patrick make a run for it) SpongeBob:(next scene) Okay, that first guy didn't count.
While discussing about how to win customers:
SpongeBob: We're not doing so well, Patrick. We need a new approach, a new tactic. Patrick: Hm... I got it! Let's get naked! SpongeBob: No, let's save that for when we're selling real estate.
This scene tops it all:
SpongeBob: Remember Patrick, flatter the customer. Make him feel good. (Patrick knocks on the door, and a customer opens it) Customer: Hello? Patrick: I love you. (A harp is heard playing; the customer stares at SpongeBob and Patrick for a few seconds, then slams the door shut) SpongeBob: I think you laid it on a teensy bit thick there, old pal.
(an old woman opens the door to find SpongeBob and Patrick standing there) SpongeBob: Hello, young lady! (winks conspiratorially with Patrick) We're selling chocolates. Is your mother home? (the old woman pauses for a moment, then yells "Mom!" an incredibly decrepit woman who looks more like a burnt corpse than a fish wheels herself into view on her wheelchair) Old Woman's Mother: What?! What, what's all the yelling? (SpongeBob and Patrick are startled) You just can't wait for me to die, can you? Old Woman: They're selling chocolates! Old Woman's Mother: Chocolates? Old Woman: Yeah! Old Woman's Mother: What? What are they selling? Old Woman: Chocolate! Old Woman's Mother: What? Old Woman: CHOCOLATE! Old Woman's Mother: I can't hear you! Old Woman: THEY'RE SELLING CHOCOLATE!!! Old Woman's Mother: They're selling chocolate? Old Woman: Yeah! Old Woman's Mother:(with an expression of fondness) Chocolate. I remember when they first invented chocolate. Sweet, sweet chocolate... (her expression abruptly changes) I always HATED IT! SpongeBob:(sweating profusely) Oh, but this chocolate's not for eating! It's for... Patrick: You rub it on your skin, and it makes you live forever! (the younger of the two women begins to shake her head and hands at SpongeBob and Patrick with a mortified expression as her mother continues) Old Woman: No...no...no... Old Woman's Mother: Live forever, you say? I'll take one! (after facepalming, the younger woman gives SpongeBob the money in return for the chocolate, as the house is now seen from the side with her mother out of shot) Old Woman's Mother: Come on, you lazy Mary! Start rubbing me with that chocolate! Old Woman/Mary:(to SpongeBob) I hate you.
And then the part with Tom again, after SpongeBob and Patrick have all but given up.
Tom:(pops up behind SpongeBob and Patrick)CHOCOLAAAAATTTTTTTTEEEEEE!(SpongeBob and Patrick begin crying and pleading; Tom laughs maniacally) FINALLY! I'VE BEEN TRYING TO CATCH YOU BOYS ALL DAY! NOW THAT I'VE GOT YOU RIGHT WHERE I WANT YOU... (calms down and pulls out a big wad of cash) I'd like to buy all your chocolate! (all the chocolate bars fall out of Patrick's pants, followed by a Hershey Kiss. SpongeBob and Patrick slowly melt into a puddle) SpongeBob: Thank you for your patronage.
From "Mid-Life Crustacean":
SpongeBob and Patrick's attempts to help Mr. Krabs feel young again don't go according to plan:
SpongeBob: Are you feeling it, Mr. Krabs? Patrick:(camera switches to him) I'm feeling it, SpongeBob. SpongeBob:(from off-screen) Patrick, that's not a ride! (camera pans out to reveal that Patrick is actually riding a customer with a cart) Harold: Get off of me!
The montage of Mr. Krabs joining in the activities of SpongeBob and Patrick.
The discussion between Pearl and Mr. Krabs over the usage of "coral" over cool in the beginning of the episode.
Krabs comes back from the hospital, apparently reformed, and turns to SpongeBob with this exchange:
Mr Krabs: Hello boy! Say, where's Squidward? SpongeBob: Oh, he's taking one of those break things in your office, I mean, the 'employee lounge'. (cut to Squidward sleeping in Mr. Krabs office)
The Woolseyism from the German dub: "Ich bin Benjamin... Benjamin... Blümchen!"translation I'm Benjamin ... Benjamin ... Floral
"I Had an Accident". Here, SpongeBob has an accident where he decides that he won't go outside anymore to avoid further accidents.
Before the accident, Patrick attempts sand boarding, only to land in the side of a mountain and shatter to pieces. The screen goes back to reveal that the "Patrick" we saw was in a video game that the real Patrick was playing. Cue the same scene happening to the real Patrick.
While SpongeBob is falling from the mountain:
Sandy: SpongeBob! Land on your bottom! It'll cushion the impact of the fall! SpongeBob:(takes off pants) Like this? Patrick: No, your other bottom! Sandy: Don't you have to be stupid somewhere else? Patrick: Not until 4:00. SpongeBob:(crashes) Sandy: Ooh, that's got to hurt. Patrick: Do it again! I wasn't looking!
After learning about SpongeBob's decision:
SpongeBob: Listen, I've reached my point. I'm never going outside again. Patrick: Never ever? SpongeBob: Never ever ever! Patrick: Never never ever for never ever?! SpongeBob: Never ever never never ever ever never!! Patrick: Never ever ever ever ever ever ever ever?! SpongeBob and Patrick: Never ever never never ever never ever never... SpongeBob: D'alright Patrick, that is enough!!! Chip, will you escort these two to the door? (throws Chip to the door) Patrick: Thank you, Chip. (outside) I guess I'm going to have to find a new best friend... Hey Squidward! Squidward: NO. Patrick: Oh. Sandy: Don't worry Pat, we'll get SpongeBob to come outside, and then he'll see there's nothing to be afraid of. Patrick: And that's when I punch him, right? (Sandy gives a bummed look)
While trying to tempt SpongeBob into coming outside:
Sandy: Trampoline! Patrick: Ice cream! Sandy: Underwater surfing! Patrick: Two ice creams! Sandy: Ferris wheel! Patrick:(the two ice cream cones are melting) Still two ice creams! Sandy: Clam wrestling! Patrick: Washing an old person! Sandy: Patrick, that ain't fun! Old Man: It is for me! SpongeBob:(breathing differently as before) Sandy: Nothing's working, Pat! Patrick: What do we do now? Old Man: I say we take a bath! Sandy: What the-? Would you get out of here?
SpongeBob gets torn in half by a gorilla, and we get this exchange:
The ending of this episode, where it is revealed that a family is actually watching the show, the father gives a confused look, then turns off the TV.
The kid-friendly form of Cold-Blooded Torture: Mr. Krabs being tied to a post and being forcefully fed lima beans. Given Mr. Krabs's character in here, that's pretty justified.
SpongeBob trying to entertain the kids (to no avail) while Mr. Krabs goes to count their money.
Monroe: You're not Krabby the Clown. SpongeBob: No I'm not! I'm, uh... (puts on a mask) I'm Krabby's beloved sidekick, the Krabby Patty...Burglar! Child: Lame. SpongeBob: Krabby will be here soon. He, uh, had to take the bus. But in the meantime, let's have some fun! You kids like bubbles? (picks up a bubble wand) Monroe: No.
The Camping Episode.
Squidward tries drawing a circle to ward off the sea bear, but it doesn't work:
SpongeBob:(yelling from a safe distance) THAT WAS AN OVAL! IT HAS TO BE A CIRCLE! Squidward: MOVE OVER!! (jumps on top of SpongeBob and Patrick)
The exchange from when Squidward got attacked by the sea bear for no apparent reason:
Squidward:(after being attacked by the sea bear once again) What did I do that time?! SpongeBob:(yelling back) I don't know, maybe he just doesn't like you! Patrick:(yelling) Pretend to be somebody else!
Squidward Tempting Fate by doing all the things you're not supposed to do that'll attract a sea bear and then getting mauled by the sea bear four times: the second for running, the third for limping, and the fourth for crawling, before the next above-mentioned attack.
SpongeBob: I call this one "The Campfire Song Song". (singing) Let's gather 'round the campfire and sing our campfire song, our C-A-M-P-F-I-R-E-S-O-N-G song. And if you don't think that we can't sing it faster, then you're wrong, but it'll help if you just sing along... Patrick: Bum bum bum! (tempo gets higher, Patrick can't keep up) SpongeBob: C-A-M-P-F-I-R-E-S-O-N-G song, C-A-M-P-F-I-R-E-S-O-N-G song, and if you don't think that we can't sing it faster, then you're wrong, but it'll help if you just sing along. Patrick: Sing another song. SpongeBob: C-A-M-P-F-I-R-E-S-O-N-G song, Patrick! Patrick: (quickly) SONG! C-A-M-P-F-I-R-E— SpongeBob: Squidward! (beat, Squidward grumpily sits there in silence) Good! SpongeBob: It'll help... It'll help.. If you just sing alooooong! (SpongeBob and Patrick smash the instruments) SpongeBob: OH YEAH!!!!
SpongeBob: It's a good thing that was only a sea bear. This anti-sea bear circle would never hold off a sea rhinoceros. Squidward: What attracts them? Patrick: The sound of a sea bear attack. (screen zooms out to reveal a sea rhinoceros next to them) SpongeBob Good thing we're wearing our anti-sea rhinoceros undergarments, right Squidward?
From "The Sponge Who Could Fly":
SpongeBob decides to take advice from his elders regarding how to fly:
SpongeBob: Wait a minute, I'm forgetting the words of Grandpa SquarePants. (a thought cloud appears above SpongeBob's head; SpongeBob's grandfather is inside of it) Grandpa SquarePants: If we were meant to fly, we'd have propellers on our heads or jet engines on our backs. (the cloud disappears) SpongeBob:(snaps) I'm gonna follow his advice, by gum. I'll invent a flying machine! (cut to SpongeBob working on building a plane outside of a barn; Patrick walks up to him) Patrick: What's that contraption, SpongeBob? SpongeBob: That, Patrick, is a flying machine. Patrick:(laughs) SpongeBob: What's so funny? Patrick: Well, it's like my grandpa used to say. (a thought cloud appears over his head; Grandpa SquarePants is inside it again) Grandpa SquarePants: If we were meant to fly, uh... hey, I'm not your grandfather! (pokes Patrick in the head with his cane; the thought cloud disappears)
SpongeBob is surveying the wares at the Palace of Pranks:
SpongeBob: What can we get for one dollar? (waves a dollar in the air) Frank: Well, one dollar will get you this fake gag dollar. (holds up fake dollar bill) Fool your friends into thinking you've got a real dollar! SpongeBob: What else have you got? Frank: A whoopee cushion? (holds one up) SpongeBob: Ehh. Frank: Fake vomit? (holds up a sample) SpongeBob: No. Frank: REAL vomit? (points to a "sample" on the counter) SpongeBob: Eww...
Having (accidentally) sprayed themselves with invisible spray, SpongeBob and Patrick decide to prank everyone in Bikini Bottom. One funny example being Mrs. Puff, who is about to eat devil's food cake, but SpongeBob and Patrick eat it, and Mrs. Puff freaks out, puffs up, and flies around the room like a deflating balloon, screaming, "GHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOSSSSSSSSSTTTTTTTTTSSSSSSS!"
Ultimately, we are treated to a montage of terrified Bikini Bottom fish yelling "GHOSTS!"... except for one fish, who instead says, "Toast."
The invisible SpongeBob and Patrick turn their attention to the last person in Bikini Bottom they haven't scared: Mr. Krabs.
SpongeBob and Patrick: OOOOOOH...Kraaaaabsssss.... Mr. Krabs:(as the Krusty Krab chairs and tables begin moving "by themselves") Wha...? SpongeBob: Krabs, we've come to haunt you! Mr. Krabs:(swinging the paddleball) Stay back! I'm well armed! SpongeBob and Patrick: OOOOOOOH... Mr. Krabs: I'm warning you! SpongeBob and Patrick:(howling eerily, they cut the paddleball's string with scissors) Mr. Krabs:(teeth chattering) Ohhhhhh.... SpongeBob and Patrick: Boo. Mr. Krabs:AAAAAAHHH!!!!(starts running) I GOTTA GET OUT OF HERE!!! (slams into the front doors) SpongeBob: You can't escape, Krabs! We've glued the doors shut! Mr. Krabs: You'll never get me! (runs into the window but it pulls him back and he crashes into a table) Patrick: Nice try, Krabs, but we've replaced all the glass with rubber! (Mr. Krabs runs into the washroom and sticks his head in a toilet, but can't fit.) SpongeBob: Too late, Krabs! We've already clogged all the toilets! Mr. Krabs:(runs into a corner) Please spirits! Leave me be! Oh please! Please! Have mercy...! Patrick:(stifled laugh) Oh, we've got him good, SpongeBob! SpongeBob: Wait, Patrick, I've got one more idea! You're going to pay, Krabs! Mr. Krabs: No, spirits. Please! (a dollar floats next to him) SpongeBob: Pay! Mr. Krabs: No! SpongeBob: PAY! (holds a lighted match against the dollar) Mr. Krabs: NO! Don't burn me dollar!
"I don't know why, but I think I'll kick SpongeBob's butt tomorrow." Later, "That's for yesterday, SquarePants!"
When Mrs. Puff is first sent to jail:
Mrs. Puff: But I don't belong here! This is all a big mistake! Inmate No.1: Yeah, I don't belong here, either! I'm innocent! Inmate No.2: Me too! Inmate No.3:(in a Southern drawl)I belong here!
When Mrs. Puff is freaking out after seeing SpongeBob and Patrick in disguise, as they walk off and then the real guards show up after hearing her scream.
Prison Guard No. 1: What the barnacle is going on?! Mrs. Puff: Get away from me, get away! Prison Guard No. 1: What are you talking about, Puff? Mrs. Puff: You can't fool me! You're SpongeBob and that guy who likes the chili! (rips off the guards' faces)
The ending, where Mrs. Puff keeps waking up to the start of the episode, to the point of Inception levels.
Mrs. Puff:(after waking up from the "dream" yet again) ... ah, forget it!
From "One Krabs Trash":
Mr. Krabs finds out that a hat he sold to SpongeBob is actually worth an insane amount of money and he tries to get it back.
Mr. Krabs: Listen, I didn't wanna say this in front of Patrick, but that hat makes you look like a girl. SpongeBob: [smiling eagerly] Am I a pretty girl? Mr. Krabs: Oh....um...you're...you're beautiful. [a mailman gives Mr. Krabs an odd look and walks away]
Later in the same episode, Mr. Krabs is in a graveyard and sees Squidward placing flowers on a grave and weeping. Curious, Mr. Krabs reads what the tombstone says: "Here lies Squidward's hopes and dreams".
Mr. Krabs: What a baby.
Made even funnier when Squidward sees Mr. Krabs crying because the hat was declared worthless at the end of the episode.
Mr. Krabs' attempt to scare the hat off SpongeBob by drawing a ghost on a piece of paper and dangling it in front of SpongeBob at the end of a fishing line doesn't quite go according to plan when he shows the wrong side of the page:
Mr. Krabs:(waving paper in front of a sleeping SpongeBob) OhhhHHHhhhHHH!! SpongeBob:(wakes up, terrified) OH MY GOSH!! A FLOATING SHOPPING LIST!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!! (the paper is revealed to list the words "MILK, EGGS, CHEESE")
When Mr. Krabs encounters the zombies:
Mr. Krabs: Oh no! I've seen this on the late show! You ghoulish fiends hold me down and take turns nibbling on my innards, then you'll eat my brain and leave my body for the buzzards! Smitty Werbenjaegermanjensen: That's disgusting! We just want the hat back.
In the episode "New Student Starfish":
SpongeBob and Patrick arrive at boating school well in advance of any other students.
Patrick: Where is everybody? SpongeBob: I dunno. Home, probably. Class doesn't start 'til 9. Patrick:(looks at his watch) 6:20? Well, but I thought you said you were late! SpongeBob: Late for bein' early! Patrick:(points accusingly at SpongeBob with his watch hand) Heyyy... (furrows brow in confusion)When did I start wearing a watch?
SpongeBob shows Patrick the class science project, Roger the egg (representing "the fragile line between life and death"), sitting under an incubating bulb (representing "knowledge", without the warmth of which, "Roger would die").
Patrick:(switching light off and on repeatedly) Life, death, life, death, life, death! SpongeBob: Patrick!
When Mrs. Puff asks Patrick to introduce himself to the rest of the class, he panics and blurts out "24!" The rest of the class laughs, and soon even Patrick is seeing the funny side:
Patrick: 24. (begins giggling, SpongeBob joins in) SpongeBob: Hey, Patrick. Patrick: What? SpongeBob: I just thought of something funnier than 24. Patrick: Let me hear it. SpongeBob:(stifled laughter) 25. (SpongeBob and Patrick try and fail to stifle their hysterical laughter)
(While Mrs. Puff is writing on the board and teaching a lesson on "turning") (Note lands on SpongeBob's desk. He opens it. It's a comedic drawing of Mrs. Puff with writing beside it that reads "Big Fat Meanie".) SpongeBob: "Big Fat Meanie"?? Patrick, you can't do that! She's the teacher!
When Mrs. Puff is by SpongeBob holding the picture, she looks exactly like the drawing.
"As if I really look like this!"
The back and forth from Mrs. Puff with the razor that would peel the star off and SpongeBob going crazy.
After SpongeBob gets sent to the back of the room:
SpongeBob: Well, I guess I can be a good noodle from back here. (Mrs Puff's voice is receding as SpongeBob tries to listen from the back) It's so hard to hear! What kind of student sits back here anyway?! (reads the writing on the desk) 'Skool is 4 Chumps'? (shivers)Where am I?! Patrick: Psst, SpongeBob? SpongeBob: Just ignore him, SpongeBob. Patrick: SpongeBob, over here! SpongeBob: Whatever you do, don't look at him. Patrick: Psst, SpongeBob! (throws ball of paper) Psst, SpongeBob! (throws a book at SpongeBob) SpongeBob! (spits a bunch of spitballs on SpongeBob's face) SpongeBob! Psst, over here. I'm trying to tell you something. Something important! SpongeBob:(covered in spitballs)What?! Patrick:(timidly) Hi. SpongeBob: ...HIIIIIIIIII?!?!
At this point, the spitballs that were all over SpongeBob's face go flying off of him, leaving him sat at his desk snarling with rage. The camera then pans out to show Mrs Puff - to add insult to injury to SpongeBob's current predicament - stood next to him, the spitballs having hit her.
Mrs Puff: Perhaps this would be a good time for recess.
The egg hatching into a live-action baby chick at the end of the episode.
Roger: Hey! What'd I miss?
As Krabs raves on about how a crew like SpongeBob and Squidward come along once in a lifetime, the scene shifts to a hideously-drawn SpongeBob and Squidward.
Even better, later on as SpongeBob is trying his hand at fishing, Squidward attempts to relax with a book. SpongeBob, unknowingly, hooks the book as he casts, then the chair Squidward was laying on, causing him to flip over. Then this piece occurs:
After three days of trying to find old "Blue-Lip", the giant clam that ate Krabs's millionth-dollar bill, Squidward decides to deceive him with another dollar bill. However, as Krabs is celebrating, he realizes something's amiss...
Krabs: Wait a minute...this isn't me millionth dollar. (SpongeBob and Squidward look at each other) This is an ordinary dollar that's been crumpled up, torn slightly, soaked in the lagoon and kissed with Coral Blue Number Two Semi-gloss Lipstick. SpongeBob: (is now holding a purse and wearing lipstick) Actually, it's Coral Blue Number- (Squidward conks him)
Later, Mr. Krabs refuses to let either of the two eat until they get the dollar bill by dumping all the sandwiches from the boat, including the fridge.
Squidward: (dragging SpongeBob away) Uh, SpongeBob? Can I have a word with you? Have you noticed that Mr. Krabs has gone COMPLETELY INSANE?! SpongeBob: What do you mean? Squidward: Just look at him. (cut to Mr. Krabs wearing a funeral veil and mourning in front of a tombstone that reads "R.I.P.: Me Millionth Dollar) SpongeBob: Squidward, he's lost something near and dear to him. Haven't you-? Squidward: Look again. (cut back to Mr. Krabs, who begins giggling maniacallyand tears his two eyes out, using them as a jumprope) SpongeBob: (now understandably freaked out) You're right. How do we get out of here? Squidward: If we're real quiet, we can sneak over to the lifeboat. SpongeBob: Okay. (they take a slow step...then proceed to dash for the lifeboat, screaming their heads off)
When Mr. Krabs is eaten by a giant clam:
SpongeBob: Ohh, poor Mr. Krabs, gone forever out of our lives. Why couldn't it have been me?! (cries) Squidward: Yes, why couldn't it have been you? (cries) SpongeBob: Why did he have to go like this, why?! Squidward: Why did he have to go like this and leave me tied to this idiot?!
"Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy IV" gives us the lovely classic of "AND HERE COMES THE GIANT FIST!"
Just before SpongeBob bursts through the wall at the beginning of the episode, his form grows out of the metal T-1000 style.
Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy?! Must! Get! Autograph!(flings arms out to grab a pen from a fish's shirt and a piece of paper from outside)
Patrick: You've got it set to M for Mini, when it should be set to W for "Wumbo"! SpongeBob: Patrick, I don't think "Wumbo" is a real word. Patrick: Come on! You know: I Wumbo, you Wumbo, he, she, me, Wumbo. Wumbo. Wumboing. Squidward: I wonder if falling from this height would be enough to kill me. Patrick:[continuing his Wumbo lesson] Wumbology? The study of Wumbo? It's first grade, SpongeBob! SpongeBob: Patrick, I'm sorry I doubted you.
"I'm tired of playing second banana to a man who wears a bra!"
"Wanna see me run to that mountain and back? ...Ya wanna see me do it again?"
"Can You Spare a Dime" has a few:
As Squidward's "convalescence" at SpongeBob's house drags on and on...
"So much later that the old narrator got tired of waiting and they had to hire a new one."
SpongeBob finally snaps and tries to drop increasingly unsubtle hints to Squidward to get a job, culminating in the following:
SpongeBob: How about I call someone whose JOB it is to fix it?! Ya know why?!? Cause when I need a JOB done, I get someone with a JOB TO DO THAT JOB!!!!! Squidward: ...What are you saying? SpongeBob: [pushes Squidward's bed through a wall and starts running with it]AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!
Mr. Krabs: Well the way I see it there are three possiblities, one, you put the dime in me pants, two, you put the dime in me pants, or three, YOU PUT THE DIME IN ME PANTS! (SpongeBob, sensing the imminence of a jobless Squidward once again leeching off his hospitality, wordlessly puts on the French maid uniform Squidward made him wear)
When Squidward is homeless on the street, there's a Brick Joke to earlier, when Squidward said he could be anything he wanted to be after quitting the Krusty Krab, including a football player, a spaceman, or a king:
SpongeBob: And have you been doing with yourself? No wait, let me guess... hmmm...I see you've been working on that mustache, the tattered clothes, the awful smell... you're a football player? Squidward: No! SpongeBob: A space man! Squidward: No! SpongeBob: A football playing king in spa— Squidward: Don't you get it? I'm a loser! I lost my job, my home, everything! SpongeBob: (gasp) Even your paintings? Squidward: Nobody would take them. So I had to eat them! (cut to his rectangular-shaped belly)
The scene where Karen pokes fun at Plankton's first namenote Sheldon on a blackboard. The first time she types it on the blackboard in green letters and Plankton's cousins laugh. Plankton turns to the board and his name disappears. He continues speaking, but then his name appears again, this time with a big red hand below it pointing at him, making Plankton's cousins laugh again, and it disappears again just as Plankton turns back to look at the board. He resumes speaking, but then his name appears in colorful letters with a colorful arrow pointing at him, making his cousins laugh at him again. It disappears again as Plankton turns to look. Plankton starts to get annoyed and tries to speak further before his name appears on the board with stars, making everyone laugh again and this time, Plankton catches it and unplugs Karen.
After Plankton's been defeated, Mr. Krabs assures SpongeBob and Squidward that the formula's hidden in a safe place no one would ever figure out.
Squidward: Let me guess; it's at home, under your mattress. Mr. Krabs: (runs off to his house) Curse you, Squidward!
From "Your Shoe's Untied":
With SpongeBob unable to remember how to tie his shoes, he falls flat on his face every time he tries to take a step. Since the grill is on the opposite side of the kitchen to the window to the dining room, each time he tries to hand a Krabby Patty over to Squidward, he trips and launches the burger into Squidward's mouth instead. After this happens several dozen times in a row, Squidward is too full to move.
Old Man Jenkins: What's the holdup!? Squidward:(belches so loudly the customers in the queue are almost blown off their feet) I think my heart just stopped... (the customers begin shouting and waving their fists angrily) It's Sponge(BELCH)Bob's fault!
SpongeBob runs into a small problem trying to find someone who can teach him how to tie his shoes: he appears to be the only resident of Bikini Bottom who wears shoes.
SpongeBob: I've forgotten how to tie my shoes. Mr. Krabs: Ha ha, that's all? SpongeBob:(brightening) So you'll show me how? Mr. Krabs: ... I don't wear shoes. (shot of Krabs' bare feet accompanied by dramatic musical sting) SpongeBob:(gasps, then runs up to Krusty Krab customer) Could you show me how to tie my shoes? Customer:(points toward floor) Uh, fins? (SpongeBob looks at the customer's bare fins, then runs off) SpongeBob:(runs up to another customer) Could you show me how to tie my shoes? Customer: Well, I would, but... sadly, I'm only an eel. (in a wider shot, we see that she is indeed an eel; she tickles SpongeBob's nose with her tail) SpongeBob:(panics and runs off to Jellyfish Fields, where he finds a group of jellyfish) Could any of you show me how to tie my laces? (the jellyfish sting him in a blaze of electricity; next, he lifts a rock to reveal a group of sea urchins) Could you, you, you, you, you, or you show me how to tie a knot? (the sea urchins scatter; next, he addresses a pair of eyes looking out of a cave mouth) Could you show me how to tie a simple knot? (the pair of eyes suddenly turns into dozens of eyes, revealing a monster who gulps down SpongeBob in one bite; he finds a fisherman's skeleton in the monster's mouth) Could you show me how to tie my shoes? (the monster fires SpongeBob through his blowhole; he lands on the picture of Painty the Pirate from the opening credits) Could you show me how to tie my shoes? Painty: Arrgh! I be just a paintin' of a head!
The Flying Dutchman demonstrating the "Poop Loop" shoelace trick.
Plenty from "Missing Identity":
The flashback opens with a bit of inspired slapstick (which somehow avoids becoming old when it is re-enacted multiple times):
(SpongeBob is fast asleep in bed. His alarm clock sounds its foghorn) SpongeBob:(jumps into a standing position, sending his blanket into the air) Good morning world, and all who inhabit it! (the blanket lands on top of him, completely covering him) DAH! (flails about blindly) Gary, help! I can't see! Gary, are ya' there? (steps off the bed and falls flat on his face, causing the alarm clock to fall on his head; he staggers around, dazed) Gary? Gary buddy? I need you to be my eyes, okay? Am I near the bathroom? (walks backwards through the door to the stairs and falls down them, yelping in pain as he hits each step on the way down; as he lands, the alarm clock sounds again and fires him across the living room) Gary? (he splats against the window) Gar'? (he slides down the wall and across the floor, coming to a stop in front of Gary, who meows)
His "horrific incident of terror" over, SpongeBob gives Gary his breakfast. He accounts to having fed Gary the same brand of Snailpo for years, without knowing what it tasted like. So he cheerfully touches a bit with his tongue, smiling wide... before he gags and emits a sonic "BLEUGH!"
SpongeBob: BLEUGH! (wider shot of Bikini Bottom) BLEUGH! (shot of the Snailpo factory) BLEUGH! (cut to meeting room in the Snailpo factory; one employee is standing in front of a chart with a Snailpo can pictured on it, while a male employee (Peterson) and a female employee are sitting at a table) Female Snailpo Employee: (as Peterson flinches) What is it, Peterson? Peterson: I'm not sure.I feel... a disturbance. (cut back to SpongeBob's house) SpongeBob: That was the worst thing I ever tasted! Oh well; at least I never have to do it again!
SpongeBob's melodramatic reaction to the absence of his nametag is hilarious.
(SpongeBob gasps, whimpers as he gives himself a quick patdown in search of the nametag, and starts hyperventilating noisily) Squidward:(walks up behind SpongeBob) Uh, SpongeBob? SpongeBob: Oh, Squidward, it's terrible! It's the most terrible thing that's ever happened to me! (sobbing) I lost my nametag! (deep breath)POURQUOI?? Squidward:(flinches) SpongeBob, take it easy. I'm sure you can get a new one. SpongeBob: But I don't want a new one, Squidward! My nametag is out there somewhere! Lost! Hungry! Who will help it? (gasps) What if someone's using it? (scene cuts to an Imagine Spot in a bank; a bank robber wearing SpongeBob's nametag and a mask bursts through the door) Bank robber: All right, nobody move! This is a bank robbery! (sounds of screaming and alarm bells)ATTICAAAA!! (Imagine Spot ends) SpongeBob: DAH! I'm innocent I tell ya'! (faints) (after a few moments, SpongeBob comes to) SpongeBob:(groans, then gets to his feet and heads for the cashier's station) Squidward, what happened? Squidward:(reading a magazine) Huh? Oh, you fainted because you lost your nametag or something. (Squidward flinches as SpongeBob screams, frantically pats himself down, and begins hyperventilating noisily again) Squidward:(grabs SpongeBob) SpongeBob, will you get a hold of yourself!? Since when is losing your nametag the end of the world?! Mr. Krabs:(opening his office door) Attention all employees! Just a quick heads-up, boys: there's gonna be a surprise uniform inspection in one hour! Anyone who doesn't pass... (glares) gets the BOOT! (Squidward and SpongeBob stare in silence; Krabs smiles and produces an old military-style boot giving off green fumes) This one, to be exact. It's very stinky, and ya' have to wear it all day. See ya' in an hour! (Krabs closes his office door; SpongeBob gasps, then begins hyperventilating noisily yet again)
When Squidward suggests SpongeBob retrace his steps to find his nametag, he takes the advice a bit too literally and re-enacts his entire morning, including getting tangled in his bedclothes, falling downstairs, and tasting Snailpo (which causes his body to turn dark green and scrunch inward). He ends up having to do it repeatedly (and becomes more irritated each time) because Patrick keeps messing up his line (which was saying "hi" to SpongeBob as he walked past). One of the times when he messes up:
Patrick: Hi, SpongeBoob. SpongeBoob! Hahaha! I sai...I sai... (starts cracking up) Who's SpongeBoob? Hahahahahah! SpongeBob is glaring at Patrick the entire time, then walks away Patrick: (still laughing) I said SpongeBoob! (calms down) Again, again, sorry people.
"Fear of a Krabby Patty" starts with Plankton tricking Mr. Krabs into opening the Krusty Krab for 24 hours (without hiring extra staff) in the hope that a sleep-deprived SpongeBob will give up the secret formula. The laughs proceed from there:
Krabs hangs the sign detailing the Krusty Krab's new hours in the front window, but then sees that the Chum Bucket is now open 23 hours a day:
Mr. Krabs: What the-? The Chum Bucket, open 23 hours!? So that little piece of flotsam Plankton thinks he can stay open longer than me, does he? (a fish customer walks up as Krabs says this) Fish:(not really listening) Sure, I don't know. Why not. Mr. Krabs: Well, he's wrong! Fish:(still not really listening) Oh, okay. Sure. (walks off)
The Tiredness Montage. We see a view of the ocean island, changing between night and day as images of Mr. Krabs announcing the day, Plankton schemeing, and SpongeBob working. However, during it, an image of confused Old Man Jenkins floats by randomly, saying "Wait, what's going on? Whoa, whoa!"
SpongeBob's face after being overworked is absolutely priceless, as is the scene that follows in which he hallucinates Mr. Krabs as a giant talking Krabby Patty.
SpongeBob:(after Mr. Krabs slaps him out of his overwork-induced spasms) Oh, hey, Mr. Krabs, when did you get in here? Krabs: Boy, I'm worried that- (turns into a giant Krabby Patty and speaks in unintelligible gibberish, then turns back to normal) Got it? SpongeBob:(rubs his eyes in confusion) Uh, I'm sorry, Mr. Krabs. Uh, could you run that by me again? Krabs: Sure. I said I'm worried that- (turns into a giant Krabby Patty again and speaks in unintelligble gibberish, then turns back to normal) SpongeBob:(calmly) That's what I thought you said. Now let me offer this as a rebuttal: AAAHHHHHHHH!!(runs off in a panic)
Krabs: I think maybe you should see a professional. SpongeBob: Wrestler?
Plankton tries to find out the secret formula by pretending to cure SpongeBob's insomnia-induced fear of Krabby Patties. He starts by telling SpongeBob to close his eyes:
Plankton: Now, tell me what you see. SpongeBob: I see... giant Krabby Patties! Plankton: Good! (produces microcassette recorder) And what are they made of? (presses "Record") SpongeBob:(shuddering) HATRED! Plankton: No, I mean ingredients, what are the stinkin' ingredients!? SpongeBob: They're coming for me! No! NO! NOOOO!! Stay - back! (reaches out of frame and grabs a grand piano) Plankton:Wait, where'd you get that piano?...(SpongeBob smashes the piano over Plankton)
Plankton's next scheme is a word association test... but SpongeBob doesn't quite understand the premise of the test.
Plankton: We're trying something else. I'm going to say a word, and I want you to say the first word that pops into your head. Ready? SpongeBob:I'm ready! Plankton: Work. SpongeBob: Work. Plankton:(frowns) Spatula. SpongeBob: Spatula. Plankton:(scowls) Bun. SpongeBob: Bun. Plankton: See, the key is to say something different than what I say. SpongeBob: Ohhh, okay, I got it. (gives "OK" sign) Plankton: Potato. SpongeBob: Po-tah-to. Plankton: Tomato. SpongeBob: To-mah-to. (Plankton sighs)
Next, Plankton spreads a set of cards with common kitchen ingredients on the floor and tries to goad SpongeBob into picking out the ones in the secret formula. Instead, SpongeBob arranges the cards into the shape of a (three-dimensional) grand piano, which promptly flips over and crushes Plankton.
Later, Plankton attempts to use hypnosis to get SpongeBob to tell him the Krabby Patty secret formula. Unfortunately (for him), he can't get SpongeBob to wake up, even after shouting and using cymbals, trumpets, and drums. Plankton runs himself dry, and asks, "What else is loud and obnoxious?" He then pulls out a cell phone with the ring tone playing.
The giant Krabby Patty visits SpongeBob in his hypnosis-induced dream:
Giant Krabby Patty: Hey SpongeBob, I heard your brain was sick, so I brought you a cookie pizza. (hands SpongeBob a giant cookie) SpongeBob: Gee... thanks! Giant Krabby Patty: And here's some chocolate milk. (hands SpongeBob a glass of chocolate milk) SpongeBob: The king of flavoured dairy drinks! (drains the glass, then tosses it aside)
'The Lost Mattress' has the Running Gag of Mr. Krabs being relocated to far less comfortable locations. (From the hospital room to the hallway, then just outside the hospital, and finally pushed down to hill to where his mattress is thrown out.)
'Have You Seen This Snail?'
The Dirty Bubble becoming a paddleball champion, which is odd, considering he's a bubble. (Though there is a picture of him actually holding a paddleball and playing it, strange as it sounds.)
While SpongeBob and Patrick were looking for Gary:
Squidward:(taking a bath) What are those neanderthals up to? Don't they know that I'm busy spoiling myself? (SpongeBob and Patrick barge in his bathroom)AAAHHH!!! AAAHHHH!!! AAAHHH!!!(pants)
Patrick:(SpongeBob is sky-writing "Gary, come home!") I want peanuts. (Presses a button) SpongeBob: PAT, NO! (both scream as the plane flies out of control, erasing the message and creating one that says "Lisa, will you marry me?" as a fish couple sees the message) Girlfriend/Wife: Who is this "Lisa" person? Boyfriend/Husband: What? (Girlfriend/Wife slaps him)
While Patrick is comforting SpongeBob after failing to find Gary:
Patrick:(Patrick is comforting SpongeBob) Just let it all out buddy, that's it. SpongeBob: I can't cry any more, Patrick. When Gary left, he took all my tears with him. Patrick: Did you just say Gary? SpongeBob, I just remembered! Earlier today at the craft store, I SAW...these huge chunks of balsa wood, they were awesome! SpongeBob: Gary loved balsa wood! (starts crying)
From 'Dunces And Dragons':
SpongeBob reminds the Renaissance Faire guard why he hates his job:
Squidward:(lifting Patrick's suitcases) Patrick...what's in these bags, rocks? [the suitcase falls open to reveal they are rocks] Squidward: Hey, these are rocks! Why is your suitcase full of rocks? Patrick: I don't tell you how to live your life!
Squidward attempts to ride an elevator to deliver Patrick's suitcases, only for Mr. Krabs to show up in it and inform him that the elevator is only for guests before telling him to use the employee elevator. Squidward drags the suitcases to it, only to find out once the doors open that the employee "elevator" is actually a flight of stairs. He is not amused.
Patrick: I would like a Krabby Patty and one room. With cheese! Oh, and can I get cheese on the Krabby Patty too? (later) SpongeBob: Sorry, Mr. Krabs! We were all outta cheese. Patrick:(in a cheese-covered room) HOORAY!!!
"Mrs. Puff, You're Fired":
A representative from the BSTAB has reminded Mrs. Puff of her unusual amount of failings in her classroom. Mrs. Puff retorts and says that only one student has failed her class (SpongeBob) and the representative tells her that he failed the test approximately 1,258,056 times, while showing a folder where the failed files of SpongeBob are shown. He flips them over and the pictures of SpongeBob are shown laughing.
After Mrs. Puff is fired, she is enjoying a scenery while painting. She quickly notices the boat and attempts to paint something really quick. When the boat runs into her, the painting is shown to be SpongeBob, the instructor and Mr. Fits fearing for their lives.
From the episode "Wishing You Well" when SpongeBob, Patrick, and Squidward are stuck at the bottom of the well, we have this exchange:
Squidward:(to Patrick) Could you not stand so close to me? You're making me claustrophobic. Patrick: What does 'claustrophobic' mean? SpongeBob: It means he's afraid of Santa Claus. Squidward: No it doesn't! Patrick:(waving arms)HO HO HO!!! SpongeBob: Stop it, Patrick! You're scaring him!
"Selling Out": Mr. Krabs gets so bored with his retirement that he goes out to play golf. Then he stops in the middle of the game, saying to himself "Wait a minute...I hate golf!"
In the episode "Born To be Wild", SpongeBob says he has to take the 'shortcut' to the Krusty Krab. The shortcut is the bubbles they use to change scenes. Mr. Krabs' reaction to SpongeBob suddenly being there is priceless.
In the episode "Good Neighbors", Squidward blowing up at SpongeBob and Patrick.
Squidward:(opens the door) Alright, you two! OUT!(SpongeBob and Patrick slowly walk out) And don't even think about dragging your empty skulls around here for the rest of the day, or tomorrow, or next week! SpongeBob: Squidward, does that include- Squidward:YES, IT DOES!(slams door) SpongeBob: Gee, Patrick, do you think Squidward was trying to tell us something? Squidward:(bursts head through door)YES, I WAS!You call yourselves good neighbors?! You're the worst neighbors ever!(deep breath) You don't deserve to wear those fezzes! (takes SpongeBob's and Patrick's fezzes off, flings them onto the ground and stomps on them) SpongeBob: Gee, Pat, maybe President Squidward's right. Patrick: Yeah, I guess we're not good neighbors after all. Squidward:NO, YOU AREN'T! YOU'RE HORRIBLE NEIGHBORS!(deep breath)AND STOP CALLING ME PRESIDENT!
In "Driven to Tears", Patrick does the one thing (in one try) that SpongeBob could never do in over a million times... pass Ms. Puff's boating exam. With a perfect score. Of course, SpongeBob slowly breaks as Patrick continues to brag about it, even to his parents. The moment they drive off:
Mr. Squarepants: Even Patrick has a license. Mr. & Mrs. Squarepants sigh.
Mr. Krabs isn't very good at consoling people.
SpongeBob: I used to have a dream. Mr. Krabs: Yeah? I used to have a kidney stone. Everything passes eventually. Now stop dreaming and work for a living.
From "Hocus Pocus":
Kid: (crying) But I don't like pistachio! Tom: Then why did you ask for it? (The car runs over a rock and the kid's pistachio ice cream goes flying. He proceeds to cry and annoy Tom)
"Krabs à la Mode":
Krabs flipping out over his thermostat, just going to show how cheap he is.
Mr. Krabs:WHOOOOOOO! TOUUUUUCHED! MEEEE! THEROMSTAAAAAT!! (everyone in the restaurant points at Squidward) Squidward: Oh, thanks a—(Mr. Krabs grabs him) SpongeBob: You're welcome, Squidward!
Later, when Plankton turns down the thermostat and freezes the Krusty Krab, Mr. Krabs still believes it's 62 degrees by looking at the thermostat and seeing a post-it note left by Plankton over the readout saying so.
Mr. Krabs: The temperature stays at 62 degrees. Squidward:There are ICICLES hanging from the ceiling!
"The Two Faces of Squidward" has the classic Brick Joke:
Flying Fish Oh no, my shoe's untied! (shoe falls) SpongeBob(much later) Squidward, look out for that falling shoe!
From "Mermaid Man vs. SpongeBob":
Mermaid Man: Ooh, a Krabby Patty! Would you look at that, Barnacle Boy? It's a Krabby Patty. Why, these things are...EVIL!!
"Sing A Song of Patrick":
Patrick's EPIC song:
Singer: Twinkle Twinkle Patrick Star, I made myself a sandwich. My mommy named it Fred. It tastes like beans and bacon, and smells like its been dead! Writing stuff is hard, so I use a pointy pencil pointy, pointy, pointy, pointy, pointy, point! P.U. what's that horrible smell? I have a head, it ends with a point, pointy, pointy, pointy, pointy, pointy, point. This song is over, except for this line. You win this round, BROCCOLI!!!!
And just WHAT happened to the band that recorded it?
Guitarist: Come on, guys. We're going to do this if it kills us. A-one, a-two, and a- (cut to the cemetery where the band members are buried) Cemetery Manager:(grave voice) They wanted you to have this. (gives Patrick the record of his song) Patrick: My song!
Man: This song reminds me of you. Song: ...P.U., what's that horrible smell? (woman hits man)
From "Atlantis Squarepantis", Plankton unleashing his wrath via a stolen Atlantean tank, only to find it had long ago been modified to only shoot...well, as a delighted Patrick puts it, "Plankton's wrath tastes like ice cream!".
In "The Krabby Khronicle", SpongeBob makes a news story about Patrick standing next to a pole. Mr. Krabs changes it so it says Patrick married the pole. This is funny enough, but at the end of the episode, Patrick shows up in a tuxedo with the you-know-what...
Patrick: Hey, can you fix me and the wife up with a couple of Krabby Patties?
The scene in "SpongeBob Vs. The Big One" where we find out that Davy Jones' locker is guarded by the REAL Davy Jones, complete with "Daydream Believer" in the background!
The songwriting session does not go according to (Plankton's) plan:
SpongeBob:Hey Plankton, can our first song go like this?("sings" loud distorted guitar note; Plankton covers his ears) And then turn into one that goes like this? (makes high-pitched electronic screech; Plankton almost gets knocked off his feet)
Plankton tries more extreme means to get the formula out of SpongeBob's brain... by getting his brain out of his head.
(Plankton groans as he pushes a stereo console topped with vacuum tubes across the floor) SpongeBob: What is that? (points) Plankton: It's my, uh, recording equipment.(Evil Laugh) SpongeBob:(excited) Oh my GOSH! What do I do? Plankton:(pushes up an electric chair minus the electrocuting apparatus) Just take a seat here and I'll strap you in. (SpongeBob sits in the chair and Plankton tightens a pair of wrist straps and puts a set of headphones on SpongeBob's head) Now just relax, and let the equipment do its job. (Plankton switches on the "equipment", which begins beeping as a brain-shaped bulge is sucked out of SpongeBob's head and into the machine, lighting a green LED labelled "Brain") Plankton:(grins and rubs his hands) Now, let's see what's locked in his subconscious. (turns radio tuner dial) SpongeBob:(singing to the tune of "My Darling Clementine") Time to feed him, time to feed him / Now it's Gary's feeding time... Plankton: Nope. (turns dial again to lower "frequency") SpongeBob:(singing to the tune of "Row, Row, Row Your Boat") Brush, brush, brush my teeth / Just to keep them clean... Plankton:(turns dial again to raise "frequency") The Krabby Patty formula's gotta be in here somewhere!... (sound of static; Plankton scowls and hits the device, then turns around) What's going... AHHHHH! (Patrick has taken the headphones off SpongeBob and put them on his own ears; he stares off into space while drooling and moaning until the device explodes)
SpongeBob's plan to get Squidward back in his secret club: Pretending to be an eel (which is the mortal enemy of the cephalopods) by dressing up in a giant live-action sock, scare the members, have Squidward "defeat" them, and the members will hail Squidward as a hero and return him in the club. It works, but just as they were celebrating, SpongeBob and Patrick join along, while still wearing the live-action sock, which they take off, revealing the whole plan, causing all three of them to get kicked out again.
Their initiation in their own secret club.
When SpongeBob and Patrick are talking to Squidward while they're in the sock outside of the club. Not only does the sock look real, but they move the sock's "mouth" when they talk.
Midway through the disastrous re-decoration, Patrick shows up at Squidward's door, telling him he needs to use his toilet, "no questions!" He rushes into Squidward's bathroom, and emerges a moment later, advising Squidward to give it a couple of days - or perhaps weeks. As Patrick leaves, the traumatised toilet crawls out of the bathroom and dies in Squidward's arms.
The alternate versions of the theme song in "Truth Or Square".
"Sand Castles in the Sand" is pretty funny in itself. It starts out with SpongeBob and Patrick knocking their sand castles down, but it turns into a full-fledged war with armies, knights, warriors, cannons, giant mechas, fighter jets, and nuclear bombs...all made out of sand.
The episode "Not Normal", where SpongeBob learns to become normal after being convinced by Squidward that he isn't. He turns into a dull, round, hole-less version of himself without buck teeth, sitting in an office cubicle in place of his grill and making Krabby Patties via computer.
SpongeBob:(in a calm voice) Hi, how are ya?
This bit from "The Clash Of Triton":
Neptune: I realized there was only one last resort. (Cut to a real life beach resort) Neptune: Not that Resort!
"Chum Bucket Supreme":
Plankton hires Patrick as a marketing consultant at the Chum Bucket. Patrick's suggestion? The classic slogan "Chum Is Fum" (changed from Plankton's original of "Chum is Metabolic Fuel"). And it works - customers line up in their hundreds.
Patrick's reaction to a Chum Bucket sales graph on which the line is literally going into the toilet: "Your potty has a shocky thing in it."
Patrick was just on fire in this episode.
Patrick: What's that number before one? Plankton: Zero? Patrick: Yeah! Congratulations!
While SpongeBob is struggling to remove his spatula from the ceiling in "The Splinter":
"Choir Boys" opens with Squidward taking a long shower and singing in preparation for his first rehearsal with the Bikini Bottom Men's Chorus. As he exits the shower, the following exchange between Squidward's bathroom fittings takes place:
(the toilet, its bowl functioning as a mouth, sighs in disappointment as Squidward walks straight past it) Toilet Paper Roll:(the perforations between the squares form bespectacled eyes and a mouth) Don't feel bad. He didn't use me yesterday either.
At the beginning of "Suction Cup Symphony", Squidward is playing the clarinet and making his usual horrible racket doing so. SpongeBob is outside gardening, and concludes that Squidward "must have eaten at Mario's last night" and is suffering from flatulence as a result. He then notices a couple of construction workers putting up a billboard, and declares that since Squidward would die of embarrassment if they heard his case of gas, he'll pretend his gardening tools are making the noise. The construction workers couldn't care less what the noise is, but Squidward is unamused when he hears that SpongeBob thought his clarinet practice was "gastro-intestinal distress".
In "I ♥ Dancing", when SpongeBob shows Squidward his dance, Squidward walks away and tells him it's the worst dance he's ever seen. SpongeBob responds by saying "Who put you on the planet? UGH!" And Squilliam does the same thing at the end...
All of "A Day Without Tears." From Squidward showing SpongeBob the crying montage (and SpongeBob actually agreeing that he DOES cry too much,) to Squidward trying to get SpongeBob to cry, to the sleepover at the end.
The ending of "Back to the Past". Time-travel induced Mind Screw doesn't begin to cover it. Even Man-Ray needs to sit down in confusion regarding all of the randomly-appearing time machines, several containing their own mini-CMOFs such as one forming in mid air and Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy stepping out and falling.
"That Sinking Feeling":
Patrick: No need to thank us, Squidward. Squidward: THANK YOU?!!! Patrick: You're welcome. (Ducks as Squidward tries to grab him) Miss.
Squidward's house sinks down to where SpongeBob and Patrick are playing Patrick: Squidward's house wants to play too!
"The Secret Origin of Mermaid Man". Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy gets hit by a variety of things that should mutate, if not kill regular people. But what ultimately turns them into what they are is overcooked popcorn.
"Plankton's Good Eye": How SpongeBob apparently sees the world. Explains a lot, doesn't it?
Gary acting crazy over the Snail Bites. In fact, when SpongeBob is heading out the door to go to work, Gary is blocking the way, looking absolutely demented and holding the empty box of Snail Bites. SpongeBob tries to open the door and Gary snarls each time he tries.
Patrick eats the last known box of Snail Bites, and starts meowing very loud like a snail.
Fiasco in both of his episodes ("Are You Happy Now?" and "Fiasco!").
From "Restraining SpongeBob" there's SpongeBob dropping Squidward into the deep fryer, causing him to come out as a giant crispy nugget.
From "Drive Thru":
Squidward: SpongeBob, 2 large, 2 medium, I hate my job.
While in the void, Patrick's form of torture is a donut who is stuck far up on his head, and Patrick cannot reach it. The donut asks what flavor Patrick would like him to be, and then..
(after many changes of what Patrick wants the donut to be) Patrick: I'll have..a plain donut! Donut: NOOOOOO!!!
SpongeBob holding onto a table all wrapped up in Patrick's tongue, yelling at a customer "EW! EW! EW! EW!"
Patrick's office dream from "Home Sweet Rubble".
The ending to "Face Freeze" having Mr Krabs and Squidward having such extreme reactions to SpongeBob and Patrick's face freeze it leads to them catching it themselves (Mr Krabs contorts his face in a rage over losing customers while Squidward goes into a laughing fit from seeing the results).
"Glove World R.I.P.":
The way Patrick looks in the glove costume.
Then there's the scene where Patrick is chasing a bunch of guests holding a giant wooden mallet in the glove costume with just a regular expression on his face. If you can't help but laugh at that you have no sense of humor.
In "Squiditis", Squidward is shown relaxing, listening to a song on a record player, wearing an umbrella hat and is about to drink what appears to be orange juice. But then he hears that SpongeBob is next to him, causing him to do a Spit Take that blows away his record player, hat and Gossip magazine.
In "The Good Krabby Name" after seeing one too many Krusty Krab advertisements a guy states that if he sees the words "Krusty Krab" again he'll scream. SpongeBob and Patrick then crash an advertising blimp and upon seeing it he takes a deep inhale, sucking off the duo's skins in the process, then lets out a long scream giving them each other's skin.
In "Accidents Will Happen":
SpongeBob begins preparing the accident report for Squidward's twisted ankle (for which he is threatening to report Mr. Krabs to the Department of Office Worker Safety unless he caters to his every whim during his recovery):
SpongeBob:(reading clipboard) Let's see... "Question 1. Was the accident the result of criminal negligence?" Krabs: AHHHHH!! SpongeBob: Mr. Krabs, what is "criminal negligence"? Krabs:(grabbing the clipboard and laughing nervously)It's, uh, what... criminals wear... to bed!note That is, "criminal negligees."
Acting on Krabs' suspicions, SpongeBob tries to re-create the accident using Patrick in place of Squidward... which involves smashing him over the head repeatedly with the broken shelf that supposedly fell on Squidward. This inevitably leads to a series of Non Sequitur Thuds from Patrick.
SpongeBob: This just isn't adding up! Patrick:(covered in bandages and bruises) Pudding? (later, after the OWS representative has arrived) Krabs: Oh no! Squidward:(grinning) Oh yes! Krabs: Squidward! After all I've done for you, you called the OWS! SpongeBob:(entering with an even more heavily-bandaged Patrick) He didn't call them Mr. Krabs, we did. I needed help investigating the accident. Right, Patrick? Patrick: Uh, breakfast... green... Finland.
SpongeBob asking Patrick for help on his oral report in "Oral Report". Patrick's unhelpfulness in attempting to replicate SpongeBob's class is funny enough, but what really makes it funny is when Patrick inexplicably dresses up like Mrs. Puff herself at the end.
In "Frozen Face-Off", while everyone else is out lost in the snow, Plankton is in the Krusty Krab, trying desperately to break open the safe in which Mr. Krabs keeps the Secret Formula. After countless attempts to open the ludicrously durable safe fail, Plankton snaps and starts trying to tear it apart with his bare hands, "bit by bit (tears a tiny chunk of the safe in two)! Molecule by molecule (snaps a cartoon molecule in two)!" But then... "Atom by atom! (snap-in-two)" Plankton realizes his mistake right before we're treated to live-action footage of a nuclear explosion, a la the 'exploding pie' scene from "Dying For Pie". This does, at least, finally open the safe.
From "Extreme Spots":
The English fish who keeps popping up every time "extreme spots" are mentioned.
From the episode "Squid Baby", after "Baby" Squidward draws on Tom's face:
Tom: My face! My face! (stops walking) Also my leg,(continues walking) but mostly my face!
"Little Yellow Book":
Squidward, in order to unlock SpongeBob's diary, uses Mr. Krabs' hairpin that was keeping his weird hair from showing.
When reading the diary, Squidward sees the extent of SpongeBob's delusion about the world around him, from saying how Squidward used bad curse words to show that he cared for his neighbor (not) and how he and Mr. Krabs "worked together" on one of his most favorite days at the Krusty Krab: cleaning day.
Squidward gets SpongeBob's attention by putting a funnel in a barrel hole that he's in and then screams his name at the top of his lungs. It causes the sponge to pour out of the funnel like water.
"Eek, An Urchin!":
SpongeBob and Mr. Krabs make Plankton disguise as a female urchin who tries to get the urchin out of the Krusty Krab, but then more urchins appear and he gets attacked as usual.
When they finally catch the urchins (in a trash can), Mr. Krabs has SpongeBob take them far from the Krusty Krab. He eventually finds a spot and lets them go... right next to the Krusty Krab.
In "Plankton's Pet", when Plankton tries to look for a pet, he said that the animals are too big, sloppy, and dumb (especially when Patrick was sitting in the cage acting like an animal).
"Jailbreak" has several.
One of Plankton's jail inmates tells a backstory where he used chum as a disguise (deforming his face by rubbing chum on it). When he horrifies the cashier into giving out money, it is revealed that his face morphed into Squidward's face.
At the beginning of the prison escape sequence, Plankton tells one of his inmates - a whale - to launch him to the front gate with his blowhole. Considering "One Coarse Meal" from two seasons earlier...
Also a failed attempt by the security guards to stop the crooks from escaping. After a hole is blown through the wall, every cop blocks it by stacking themselves over one another. They end up getting stuck and the prisoners escape through the front door.
In "Don't Look Now", SpongeBob and Patrick are scared out of their wits after seeing a Slasher Movie about a killer fisherman. At one point, they see an ominous shadow from the moon and freak out because it might be the fisherman. Turns out, it's a frightening-looking man with a hood and a hockey mask riding a bicycle.
SpongeBob: (cheerfully) Oh, that's just Slasher McGee.
Surprisingly, most of "SpongeBob, You're Fired!"
We are treated to Patrick entering/exiting the SpongeBob home by throwing himself through a window, an alternate version of the 'Serious Face', and Old Man Jenkins, among others.
Anything with that...thing...that grows on Patrick's head.
The ending, showing how Mr. Krabs can save money without firing SpongeBob: charging people to go to the bathroom.
A fair amount of "It Came from Goo Lagoon":
When the giant goo bubble is headed toward a statue of King Neptune and is about to get punctured by his trident Sandy regretfully tries to destroy the statue with missiles, only for the statue to merely be reduced to a skeleton, trident still intact.
SpongeBob getting rid of the goo on his hands by ripping his arms off then throwing them away and growing new ones, then when Patrick tries to do the same his arm doesn't grow back and he's left in Stunned Silence.
The SpongeBob 4D ride is four-and-a-half minutes of hilarity. Some significant moments:
SpongeBob reasoning that in order to catch Patrick, he must think like Patrick. As such:
SpongeBobnote It's worth mentioning that he is facing the wrong direction on the Bubble Bike as he does this.: (goes cross-eyed imitates Patrick)Duuuuh... (looks down) Look, toes! (bends down) (cue the Bubble Bike going on a chaos-ensuing rampage through town)