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Funny: Elementary
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    Season 1 
1 - Pilot
  • A humorous scene where we see Holmes introducing Watson to Gregson. Just seconds ago, Watson insisted that she is his companion.
    Holmes: Gregson, this is Watson, my personal valet.
    Watson: *Death Glare*
  • The show's nod to how someone like Holmes likely would adapt to modern times: occasionally he just Googles something. Because not everything is deducible naturally.
  • Holmes's reaction to Watson's success interrogating the previous strangulation victim after he failed.
  • After Holmes rams Watson's car into Mantlo's and ends up in jail, Watson demands to be let in on his whole plan, because obviously he wouldn't have done that if he weren't setting something up - and then she realizes from his expression that, no, that really was just a temper tantrum.
  • This exchange:
    Sherlock: I left some urine in your room.
    Joan: Please tell me it was in a cup.

2 - While You Were Sleeping
  • Joan finding an old violin that Holmes used to play...which he promptly lights ablaze the second her back is turned.
    Sherlock: You were right about the stress relief. I felt like Jimi Hendrix for a second there.
  • Holmes is attempting to determine the validity of a coma patient's coma (answer, not much). His preferred method? Stab her in the thigh with a needle. (Specifically, in the softest part of her thigh; "Plenty of nerve endings there.") Watson stops him and tests the patient herself. By picking up the woman's hand and dropping it directly onto her face.note  Holmes' reaction is priceless:
    Holmes: Oh, so it's okay for you to do that, but I can't stab her in the thigh with a needle?
  • The opening of the episode shows Holmes in group therapy being unusually still. When Watson puts her hand on him, he jumps up shouting "AMYGDALA!" and then happily leaves as if nothing happened. It turns out that he had hypnotized himself into a trance. The next time they're at a meeting, Holmes is about to doze off when Watson threatens to jab a thumbtack into his thigh. The look on her face wisely shuts him up.
  • Watson's reaction to the suggestion that Sherlock is her boyfriend:
    Ty: So... He's your boyfriend.
    Watson: No.
    Watson (Two seconds later, realizing what Ty just said): Wow. Uh, not even close.
  • This bit:
    Watson: (watching Holmes work his jaw after being slapped) She got you good, huh?
    Holmes: Lefty. Caught me by surprise. (indicating left side of his face) This side—leathery from slaps. (indicating right side) This side—baby's bottom.
    • Which becomes a Brick Joke when Ty later tells Joan that Sherlock's lucky he didn't get hit.
      Ty: Tell your friend he's lucky I didn't slug him.
      Joan: [muttering under her breath] If you do, swing from the left.

3 - Child Predator
  • "You know what would be great for you? Jazzercise."
  • Holmes spends the morning (and the previous night) entirely shirtless. It's not until after he receives a call from Gregson that he realizes it.
    Holmes: I could have sworn I was wearing a shirt at some point.
  • A sleep-deprived Holmes insists on going through his case files again, but Watson has other ideas. She takes his case files away from him and darkens the room. Holmes whines that he's perfectly fine, only to conk out seconds later.
  • Joan demonstrates squats as a way to stay awake so Sherlock does them with her. Then, the next morning reveals that he did hundreds of these after she fell asleep and he's aching all over.

4 - The Rat Race
  • After Holmes has been rescued, he attempts to thank Watson, only to fumble and ramble about she figured out how to find him.
    Watson: I'm sorry, are you trying to take credit for the fact that I saved your life?
    Holmes: *deer in headlights*
    Watson: And so soon after you promoted me to bodyguard!

5 - Lesser Evils

7 - One Way To Get Off
  • While a suspect is being interrogated, Sherlock bursts into the room and chucks an orange at the suspect.
  • Sherlock's ringtone for Watson? Psycho Strings.

8 - The Long Fuse
  • Our heroes are interrogating a woman who'd been blackmailed with a video of her former prostitution.
    Holmes: And when he found out, he turned the screw...
    Watson: So to speak.
    • Since she's usually the proper and polite one, it just sounded like she couldn't help herself.

9 - You Do It to Yourself
  • When Holmes and Watson arrive at the crime scene, Holmes comments that the body's been moved from the original scene of death.
    Bell: Tell me something I don't know.
    Holmes: A pig's orgasm can last up to thirty minutes.
  • Holmes remarking that one suspect's "confession" consists of him parroting what the interrogating detective asks him.
    Sherlock: "Mr. O'Brien, did you build a giant robot to kill Trent Annunzio?" "Yes, I built a giant robot to kill Trent Annunzio."

10 - The Leviathan
  • "The Leviathan" introduces Mr. Batonvert. Whose name in French means green stick.
  • After Holmes has just taken his frustration out on the namesake vault with the fire ax from the nearby box, Watson looks at him incredulous. Holmes' reaction?
    "Before you say anything, I'd like to remind you that I am holding an axe."
  • Joan finding her car keys are being used to counterweight a dead squirrel.
  • Joan mentions the famous "truth" quote. Sherlock's reaction?
    Joan: Someone once said, "Once you've eliminated the impossible, whatever remains, no matter how improbable, is the truth."
    Sherlock: Sounds like a windbag.

12 - M
  • While the circumstances are far from funny, Sherlock gets a good dig in at Sebastian Moran:
    Sherlock: Arsenal fan. As if I didn't have enough reason to despise you.
    "M": You!
    Sherlock: Me! Baton! [whacks "M" out cold]
  • One of the show's promotional commercials for its post-Super Bowl episode has Sherlock (or perhaps Jonny Lee Miller himself) bouncing the football on his head.

13 - The Red Team
  • Sherlock admitting that he trolls the conspiracy theorists for fun.
    Sherlock: I adore them. As one does a barmy uncle, or a pet who can't stop walking into walls.
  • The episode-long Running Gag of Sherlock and Clyde the turtle.
  • This exchange:
    Sherlock: My name is Sherlock Holmes. I am a temporarily suspended consultant from the NYPD. This is Joan Watson, she keeps me from doing heroin. And you are?
    Bill: Bill.
  • Holmes trying to hail a taxi using a whistle and failing. Then seeing Joan hail a taxi by yelling 'Taxi!'.
  • Gregson and Bell are at a crime scene and the still suspended Holmes keeps on texting them details that he saw. He even has photos of the crime scene where they are to their disbelief.
  • Joan notices the Napoleon Bonaparte picture on Sherlock's wall.
    Joan: And Napoleon?
    Sherlock: By my fifth night without sleep, I may have been reaching.
    • Doubles as a Mythology Gag to the original stories, where Holmes referred to Moriarty as "the Napoleon of crime".
  • The revelation that the reason the murdered conspiracy theorist was killed was that he and another conspiracy theorist were having an argument about who staged the moon landing.

14 - The Deductionist
  • The B Plot concerns a porno that was shot and filmed in Watson's apartment while she's been living with Sherlock. It provides several hilarious moments such as both her and Sherlock criticizing the film's continuity errors, Sherlock buying a spatula to replace the one that was "violated" in the porno in question (as well as a replacement toothbrush, though why Watson's old brush needed to be replaced is never explained), and Watson blackmailing the film's director and the superintendent who was in on it to pay for her items to be put into storage and a new couch.
    Watson: Because after everything that couch has been through in that movie, it needs to be taken out back and shot.
  • Sherlock picks out Watson's clothes for the day.
    Sherlock: I'm in a hurry, Watson. Shall I select your undergarments as well?

15 - A Giant Gun, Filled with Drugs
  • Sherlock's disdain for Twitter.
    Sherlock: Suffocatingly inane. This is so crushing in its utter banality. Sufficiently asinine as to constitute a valid argument for eugenics.
    Joan: Okay, I give up. What are you reading?
    Sherlock: Emily�s Twitter feed.

16 - Details
  • Sherlock hit Joan in the back with a tennis ball. She later retaliates by beaning him in the face with a basketball.
  • Joan getting her own back for Sherlock assaulting her in the foyer by throwing over the rack of locks Sherlock has placed by country of origin. The look on Sherlock's face is priceless.
  • At the beginning of the episode, Sherlock dresses up as a burglar and "attacks" Watson in order to test her. She's not happy about it.
    Holmes: Now you hit me?
  • Bell's brother telling him that the worst thing that any of his ex-girlfriends ever did to him (Bell's had just tried to frame him for murder) was wreck his bicycle.

17 - Possibility Two
  • Sherlock destroying a doll with acid for no real reason.
    Joan: You're gonna put the acid away before we answer the door, right?
  • Sherlock is fooling around with molecule models to figure out the chemicals involved in the case...only for him to give up and build a dinosaur instead.
  • This exchange:
    Mr. Lydon: I sit before you a lucid man. Vital, I might say. I hold eighteen patents, and I can do...eleven pull ups at age fifty-eight.
    Sherlock: And I own exactly sixteen forks. I'm not entirely sure what we're supposed to be comparing.

18 - Deja Vu All Over Again
  • Holmes reveals his violin skills to Gregson.
    Sherlock: You didn't know I play the violin?
    Gregson: Before today, I didn't know you ate food.
  • When describing the subway pusher case, Holmes tells Watson he's not worried because he knows exactly what the suspect looks like. Then he holds up a vague police sketch.
    Watson: I can't tell if you're joking right now.
  • A wonderful Sophisticated as Hell moment:
    Sherlock: Opinions are like ani; everybody's got one.

19 - Snow Angels
  • Sherlock squirrels himself away in a sheet tent as a way of hiding from Ms. Hudson and her boyfriend's arguing.
  • Joan is forced to change her clothes under her blankets because Sherlock burst into her room with a bundle of her clothes and started ranting.
  • Clyde the ambulance and Sherlock's unintentional Visual Pun of using locks to represent the city. Topped when Sherlock explains what he worked out to Gregson the next day.
    Gregson: So the stapler's an ambulance?
    Sherlock: It was a tortoise last night, bear with me.
  • On being informed that Captain Gregson is unavailable because there's a snowstorm going on:

20 - Dead Man's Switch
  • When discussing the nickname of one of the blackmailers:
    Joan: So you think that Zelner was his accomplice and that Milverton gave him that codename because he was heavy-set?
    Sherlock: Orson Welles was heavy-set. Abraham Zelner could pull small moons out of orbit.
  • The Running Gag of Sherlock rudely interrupting Joan sleeping. It's gotten so often that she just slumps back into her pillows as he starts sharing his thoughts on the case.

21 - A Landmark Story
  • Joan's rage at being forced to break into a funeral home, to the point where she defies an attempted Friendship Moment when Sherlock tries to get her to dissect a body...then dissects it anyway when Sherlock quickly proves his lack of medical training.
    Joan: No. No. I am dissecting a body in the middle of a night. We are not having a moment.
  • Joan's sarcastic comeback at the thought of sending flowers to the first victim. "With deepest sympathy. PS, this may have been murder."
  • Sherlock mentions a guy who designs skyscrapers as a suspect. Joan muses on how he gets his teeth so white.
  • Sherlock throws an air conditioner off the roof. It whizzes right by Joan's window.
    Joan: Hey! Tell me you did not just throw an air conditioner from the roof!
    Sherlock: The math is not quite as hard as you might imagine.
    Joan: I'm not talking about how hard it is, I am talking about the fact that you could kill somebody.
    Sherlock: I checked the courtyard before I dropped it! And I hit the "X" I drew on the ground. On the first attempt, I might add.
    • Also, the "WTF?" look on her face as it went by was priceless.

22 - Risk Management
  • Sherlock's method of waking up Joan this time? Turning a desk lamp on and off repeatedly in front of her face. And as he's ranting about his thoughts on the current case, he hops backward on one foot.
    Sherlock: Oh good, you're awake.
  • Joan needs to use the bathroom. Literal (and figurative) Toilet Humor ensues.
    Sherlock: If you need to use the toilet, I'll just turn away. You didn't have asparagus last night, did you?
  • Gregson talking to Joan about how he's worried for her safety, but not his own.
    Gregson: I've got a gun.
    Joan: And a penis.

24 - Heroine
  • As Sherlock is explaining what he's deduced of Moriarty's plan to Joan:
    Sherlock: This is a Macedonian denar.
    Joan: You just have this lying around?
  • Earlier Sherlock was expositioning about Macedonia itself and its name dispute with Greece.
    Joan: Two of my cousins both wanted to name their sons Henry. It was a big thing at Thanksgiving. What are you getting at?
  • Sherlock's exchange with a poacher/possible henchman of Moriarty:
    Theophilus: I have never in my life heard the name Moriarty.
    Sherlock: Narwhal, stop lying to us.
    Lawyer: My client has asked you several times to stop referring to him as Narwhal.
    Sherlock: Don't know why it's bothering him, they're lovely creatures. Unicorns of the sea.
  • Joan checks up on Sherlock's shoulder pain.
    Joan: Okay, what's the pain like today?
    Sherlock: It's fine, it's barely noticeable.
    Joan: Give me a number 1 to 10.
    Sherlock: [beat] ...Pi.

    Season 2 
1 - Step Nine
  • Mycroft had been upset with Sherlock for proving his fiance was a gold digger by sleeping with her several times.
    Mycroft: The last time I saw him, he was face deep in my fiancee. [...] Seven times, if memory serves, once in a pod on the London Eye.
  • After a chat with Joan, Mycroft decides to bury the hatchet with Sherlock by blowing up Sherlock's things that he put in storage after moving into 221b Baker Street.
    • Among Sherlock's old possessions, he owns a real shrunken head, a possible genuine Picasso, and books on bomb building.
  • The second Mycroft and Sherlock see each other, they start needling each other.
    Sherlock: Watson! Your rest is going to have to wait, we have to locate— Oh. My. God.
    Mycroft: My. Croft. Hasn't been that long, has it?
    Joan: Would someone like to explain what's going on here?
    Sherlock: Fatty, this is Watson. Watson, this is Fatty.
    Mycroft: "Fatty?" I'd say I've slimmed down quite a bit, wouldn't you?
    Sherlock: Lap band?
    Mycroft: Exercise.
    Sherlock: Exercise requires energy and ambition, you've never had either.
  • Sherlock tweaking the shippers' noses by suspecting Watson wants to sleep with him by proxy through his brother.
  • Watson's reaction to 221B Baker Street (which neither character knows that Mycroft has moved into), after Sherlock tells her that entering is like stepping into the inside of his brain:
  • Watson's face after Sherlock calls Mycroft "an indolent manchild".
  • After solving a case involving carrier pigeons, Sherlock laments that the pigeon in question got away during the arrest.
    Detective Bell: What would you do with a... you know what, I don't want to know.

2 - Solve For X
  • Joan meets Harlan, one of Sherlock's acquaintances. He does his math shirtless.
    Harlan: If you're looking for Sherlock, he's downstairs.
    Joan: Okay. [beat] I will go there now.
  • Earlier at the crime scene, after Sherlock turns on the UV lamp:
  • Still earlier at the crime scene, Bell proves his Deadpan Snarker credentials:
    Sherlock: Have you always been this observant? I'm asking sincerely; I'm wondering if exposure to my methods has helped you in any way.
    Bell [in Sarcasm Mode]: Actually, before you came along, I'd never closed a case. Neither had the rest of the department. Most of us were thinking of packing up, leaving. Letting the city fend for itself!
  • Sherlock shows up uninvited at a crime scene:
    Sherlock: Det. Bell. Sorry I'm late.
    Det. Bell You're not late. You texted me and said you heard on your scanner there'd been a shooting. I texted you back, told you I didn't need any help.
    Sherlock: Actually, you wrote, and I quote, "Yes please, now. Triple smiley face with tongue protruding."
    Det. Bell Yeah, see, that's not from me. That's from someone named "Bella" and you got it last December. My name's "Bell", no "a". But I can see why you might've confused us, not like you're into details or anything.

3 - We Are Everyone
  • Sherlock's plans for the night? Flame wars.
    Joan: So you plan on arguing on the internet all night.
    Sherlock: Yes. [Joan rolls her eyes.]
    • Later, he gives Joan the tablet because he's been spending too much time in the chatroom, then quickly asks for it back after he thinks of a suitable rebuttal.
  • The hackers get into all of Joan and Sherlock's electronics: disabling power, cutting off internet access, and filling Joan's dating profile with her home address, concerning opinions about same-sex marriage, and something involving nudity and trains.
  • Joan talking to one of her friends while casually solving the mock-crime scenes Sherlock texts her images of. Includes a moment where she solves one (a man with his head stuck in the oven) and states it's a staged suicide because "nobody sticks their head in a fire any more" while chuckling.
  • When one of Joan's dates show up to see if she's okay, Sherlock begins shouting in the background.
    Sherlock: Ha-ha! Hack that!
    Joan: Sorry, that's my roommate. He's a...long story.
  • Sherlock, in an effort to be a "considerate flatmate", has now taken to stashing Clyde the Turtle in Joan's bed so that he will no longer have to wake her up when there's a development in the case.
    Joan: You're using your pet turtle as an alarm clock?
  • Sherlock's opinion of the dating site Joan is on:
    Sherlock: I weep for the whole desperate lot of you.
  • Joan's casual attitude about stealing a suspect's watch while Sherlock is completely flabbergasted, because he hadn't taught her that, is both awesome and hilarious.
    Joan: Our power's out so what else was I going to do but read?

4 - Poison Pen
  • At a gym, after Holmes takes down someone so hard that Joan actually looks away for a moment in sympathy.
    Sherlock: So did you learn anything, Watson?
    Joan: Yeah, that you fight dirty.
    Sherlock: No, I fight without mercy, a habit that you should develop if you hope to defend yourself against bigger, stronger opponents. Which may occur unless we limit ourselves to investigating crimes committed by small children. Or large house cats.
  • Gregson interviewing Mistress Felicia.
    • In addition to the fact, other than asking how they met, everyone in the room just takes Holmes knowing Mistress Felicia in stride.

5 - Ancient History
  • Joan trying to get her revenge on Sherlock after finding out he slept with her friend. Again.
    Joan: I just want you to know I think it's really great - you doing what you did today for Jen, so she can finally have a baby. I don't think I've ever seen her so happy.
    (Sherlock gives a look)
    Joan: She did tell you she was ovulating, right?
    (He doesn't look convinced)
    Joan: I almost had you.
    Sherlock: Yes. Almost.
  • Holmes using a funny voice as part of a disguise he dons during an investigation.
    Joan: Do I want to know why he has a lisp?
    Sherlock: Childhood sledding accident. But let's not get bogged down in details...

6 - An Unnatural Arrangement
  • Apparently Sherlock refers to most of the detectives in the department as "Not-Bell".

7 - The Marchioness
  • Sherlock doesn't take the revelation of Joan sleeping with Mycroft very well.
  • Sherlock's new method of waking Joan up? Poking her with a stick.
    • Not poking her with a stick, poking the lump in the bed next to her to make sure it's not his brother.

10 - Tremors
  • On the stand, Sherlock claims Gregson gave a sugary speech about how amazing he is, which we actually see acted out.

11 - Internal Audit
  • Regarding some skaters (nicknamed by Sherlock as "The Narcissists" due their tendency to upload videos online).
    Watson: I know how to talk to them.
    Holmes: You speak idiot?
  • Sherlock's introduction to Randall.
    Sherlock: And you are?
    Randall: Randy.
    Sherlock: The noun or the adjective?
    Randall: What?
    Sherlock: The shortened form of Randall, or a state of sexual arousal?
    Randall: ...Are you asking if I'm horny?

12 - The Diabolical Kind
  • Sherlock and Moriarty greet each other.
    Moriarty: You look a bit tired.
    Sherlock: You look a bit evil.
  • Sherlock's description of Moriarty.
    Sherlock: The woman is a riddle wrapped in a mystery inside an enigma I've had sex with. I would be lying if I said I was the strongest assessor of her motives at this point.

13 - All in the Family
  • Sherlock and Watson walk away from a mobster they were talking to.
    Sherlock: After that cock-up, the chances of him spending a day in prison just plummeted.
    Mobster gets in his car, which immediately blows up.
    Sherlock (completely deadpan): I was right. Not one day in prison.

14 - Dead Clade Walking
  • To meet with a man who deals in black market artifacts, Sherlock creates a forgery of Martin Luther's theses. Sherlock reasons it doesn't have to stand up to scrutiny, so the forgery switches to English after the first few pages and contains theses of dubious historical veracity.
    Watson: "42. Thaddeus is hereby declared the best Apostle, and those who disagree shall be vigorously tickled."
  • Sherlock vs. Gay the Geologist
    Gay: "I'm Gay."
    Sherlock (nonplussed): "I'm not."
    Gay: No, it's my name. I also am. . .gay. Saves time."
    Sherlock: How efficient.
  • Sherlock suspects the culprit is a museum curator trying to cover up the fact that one of his dinosaur skeletons is a fake (it was built out of pieces of several skeletons instead of a single complete skeleton). So he spends probably an hour or more pacing round and round the display with a hand-lettered cardboard sign reading "THIS IS A FRAUDULENT DIMETRODON" as bemused museum patrons look on.

15 - Corpse de Ballet
  • While on dates, Sherlock hangs a sign on his bedroom door reading "Coitus in progress or recently concluded".

16 - The One Percent Solution
  • Sherlock rescues a pair of cocks from a cock fighting ring, names them Romulus and Remus, and decides to try and tame them within a week. In the meantime he uses them occasionally to wake up Joan. By the end of the episode, he is successful in rehabilitating them.
    Joan: So what now? *beat* We own chickens now, don't we. *second beat* I'm not feeding them.
    • Sherlock's repeated attempts to make Joan say the word "cock" throughout the episode.
      • He succeeds by using one to wake her up:
        Joan: Why is Romulus outside my door?
        Sherlock: That's Remus!
        Joan: I don't care which cock I am holding. I just want to know how it got there. [beat] Okay, congratulations. You got me to say it!
        Sherlock: I don't know if you've settled on an epitaph yet, but it does occur to me that would look fantastic on a tombstone.
  • The reveal that Sherlock is why Pluto is no longer a planet.

17 - Ears to You
  • Detective Bell has been trying to find a disappeared prostitute. Sherlock gets antsy about the delay.
    Sherlock: How long does it take to find a bloody prostitute?
    Joan: Marcus said he was going to call in an hour. It's been...45 minutes. To be fair, he only has a first name and a hair color.
    Sherlock: Luxury! I'll name that tart in 20 keystrokes.

18 - The Hound of the Cancer Cells
  • What an overcaffienated Sherlock sounds like.
    Joan: *barely awake* Are you okay? You seem hyper.
    Sherlock: Imayhavehadacoffeeorthreewithmyteathismorning.
  • Now that the tremors in Marcus' hand have gone away, his fellow officers decide to give him a gag gift to commemorate his successfully passing the firearms exam: a paint mixer
    Joan: [reading the card] "Now that your hand's better who's going to shake all the paint around here?" That is in questionable taste.

19 - The Many Mouths of Aaron Colville
  • Sherlock needs the help of "Everyone", the hacker group from "We Are Everyone", to dig up the deleted social networking profiles of a murder suspect. The price for their assistance?
    Sherlock: I'm meant to record myself singing the songs from something called Frozen.
    • They also want him to do this while wearing a prom dress.
    • The price for getting dental records was Sherlock standing around holding a sign reading "Help catch a murderer by punching me in the arm."
  • Watson waking up twice with Clyde sitting on her. In an adorable "Turtle cozy" to boot.
  • In the Cold Open, Sherlock catches a robber by using stabbing him in the leg with a pen.
    Sherlock: Sorry, I mistook you for a corpse.

21 - The Man With the Twisted Lip
  • Sherlock wants a "shared custody agreement" between him and Mycroft over Joan. Joan is not happy:
    Sherlock: There's no need to be offended. It's a term of art.
    Joan: It's a term of never use it again or I will kick you in your soft parts.

23 - Art in the Blood
  • Mycroft's explanation for how he kept his involvement with the MI6 a secret from Sherlock.
    Sherlock: So you honestly expect me to believe that you are an MI6 asset, and you have kept that hidden from me for over a decade.
    Mycroft: Right... 'Cause we're so close.
  • Sherlock meets Mycroft's MI6 handler.
    Sherrington: We saved your partner's life.
    Sherlock: For that you have my gratitude.
    Sherrington: And your brother's.
    Sherlock: I'll let that slide.

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