Elementary / Funny

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Season 1

1 - Pilot

A humorous scene where we see Holmes introducing Watson to Gregson. Just seconds ago, Watson insisted that she is his companion.
Holmes: Gregson, this is Watson, my personal valet.
Watson: (death glare)
The reason he broke out of rehab the day he was to be released into Watson's care? Boredom.
The show's nod to how someone like Holmes likely would adapt to modern times: occasionally he just Googles something. Because not everything is deducible naturally.
Holmes's reaction to Watson's success interrogating the previous strangulation victim after he failed.
After Holmes rams Watson's car into Mantlo's and ends up in jail, Watson demands to be let in on his whole plan, because obviously he wouldn't have done that if he weren't setting something up - and then she realizes from his expression that, no, that really was just a temper tantrum.

2 - While You Were Sleeping

Joan finding an old violin that Holmes used to play...which he promptly lights ablaze the second her back is turned.
Sherlock: You were right about the stress relief. I felt like Jimi Hendrix for a second there.
- Then later, in probably the greatest Gadfly moment of the show, Holmes begins moving his fingers under his chin oddly at his next therapy session. Holmes says he's playing the violin again, the world's smallest in fact, while listening to a woman tell her story of what made her quit using drugs.
Holmes is attempting to determine the validity of a coma patient's coma (answer, not much). His preferred method? Stab her in the thigh with a needle. (Specifically, in the softest part of her thigh; "Plenty of nerve endings there.") Watson stops him and tests the patient herself. By picking up the woman's hand and dropping it directly onto her face.^note Holmes' reaction is priceless:
Holmes: Oh, so it's okay for you to do that, but I can't stab her in the thigh with a needle?
The opening of the episode shows Holmes in group therapy being unusually still. When Watson puts her hand on him, he jumps up shouting "AMYGDALA!" and then happily leaves as if nothing happened. It turns out that he had hypnotized himself into a trance. The next time they're at a meeting, Holmes is about to doze off when Watson threatens to jab a thumbtack into his thigh. The look on her face wisely shuts him up. This is what leads up to the "smallest violin" moment above.
- Into the softest part of his thigh. "Plenty of nerve endings there."
Watson's reaction to the suggestion that Sherlock is her boyfriend:
Ty: So... He's your boyfriend.
Watson: No. (Two seconds later, realizing what Ty just said) Wow. Uh, not even close.
This bit:
Watson: (watching Holmes work his jaw after being slapped) She got you good, huh?
Holmes: Lefty. Caught me by surprise. (indicating left side of his face) This side—leathery from slaps. (indicating right side) This side—baby's bottom.
- Which becomes a Brick Joke when Ty later tells Joan that Sherlock's lucky he didn't get hit.
  Ty: Tell your friend he's lucky I didn't slug him.
  Joan: (muttering under her breath) If you do, swing from the left.
To illustrate his point about attic theory to Watson, Holmes "borrows" a glass from a nearby restaurant patron and fills it with a mix of olive oil ("useful facts, viscous, golden") and water ("useless natterings"); all the while, the woman from whom he took the glass is rolling her eyes in the background.

3 - Child Predator

"You know what would be great for you? Jazzercise."
Holmes spends the morning (and the previous night) entirely shirtless. It's not until after he receives a call from Gregson that he realizes it.
Holmes: I could have sworn I was wearing a shirt at some point.
A sleep-deprived Holmes insists on going through his case files again, but Watson has other ideas. She takes his case files away from him and darkens the room. Holmes whines that he's perfectly fine, only to conk out seconds later.
Joan demonstrates squats as a way to stay awake so Sherlock does them with her. Then, the next morning reveals that he did hundreds of these after she fell asleep and he's aching all over.
- The moment she shows them to him is hilarious in and of itself. She starts demonstrating them and explaining the concept as Sherlock stares at her blankly... then after a Beat and with the most perfect timing, he joins in without missing a single step. This GIF set captures the moment pretty damn well.
- The scene also heavily implies with Watson taking her jacket off and the tone of Holmes’ voice that he thinks she’s suggesting something else to help him stay awake…
- She also explains that it was a trick she picked up while studying in medical school, ending with a pointed, "I was valedictorian. Just saying."
Holmes is talking to Adam, a kidnap victim who spent years with his kidnapper and they developed a father-son bond:
Adam: Would you turn in your dad?
Holmes: I'd trade my dad for a Tic-Tac, but... that's my dad.

4 - The Rat Race

After Holmes has been rescued, he attempts to thank Watson, only to fumble and ramble about she figured out how to find him.
Watson: I'm sorry, are you trying to take credit for the fact that I saved your life?
Holmes: *deer in headlights*
Watson: And so soon after you promoted me to bodyguard!
While kidnapped, Holmes' kidnapper tries to force him to literally dig his own grave. Holmes dryly refuses to do so. Just on principle.

5 - Lesser Evils

Sherlock points out that Joan has had her arms crossed for 13 out of the last 15 minutes. Joan crosses her arms, realizes she's giving more ammo for Sherlock, puts a hand on her hip, realizes that she shouldn't care what Sherlock thinks, and goes back to crossing her arms — all in about two seconds.
Sherlock offends Joan's former friends.
Sherlock: What drove the two of you apart? Man? Job? Failed sapphic dalliance? Fingers crossed for the last one.
Watson: He has a form of Tourette's.
In the lift, Sherlock gives an awkward apology to the Almighty Janitor for earlier when he threw a jug off water on the ground to get the Janitor out of the room. The janitor says it's alright, gets out of the lift... but not before he presses every button up to Sherlock's floor. Even better is that the episode later reveals the janitor is actually the killer.

7 - One Way To Get Off

While a suspect is being interrogated, Sherlock bursts into the room and chucks an orange at the suspect. Just to test his depth perception.
- Particularly how quick the whole thing was:
  Sherlock: (entering interview room) Victor Nardin; think fast! (throws orange at the suspect's face, bouncing it off his left eye) This man is innocent. Detective Bell, a word if you please? (leaves)
  Nardin: Why he hit me?!
Sherlock's ringtone for Watson? "Psycho" Strings.
- Not to mention his attempt at pretending to have spotty reception.
This exchange:
Sherlock: I left some urine in your room.
Joan: Please tell me it was in a cup.

8 - The Long Fuse

Our heroes are interrogating a woman who'd been blackmailed with a video of her former prostitution.
Holmes: And when he found out, he turned the screw...
Watson: So to speak.
- Since she's usually the proper and polite one, it just sounded like she couldn't help herself.
Holmes and Watson follow Bell on a lead to a bank, where a safe deposit box holds...a Cheech & Chong movie. That held the above prostitution video.
Bell: [makes a disappointed face] Huh. Cheech and Chong's Next Movie...well it wasn't a good movie, but it didn't make me want to commit a homicide.
Watson pointing out the flaws in Sherlock's Sherlock Scan:
Holmes: Bomb-building is a dangerous venture. It requires precision, patience, attention to detail. Mr. Jacobs's wristwatch is nine minutes slow and his fly is three-quarters down. That doesn't scream "detail-oriented."
Watson: Ted Kaczynski looked like a hobo puked another hobo. He managed to hurt plenty of people.
Holmes: ...And point taken.

9 - You Do It to Yourself

When Holmes and Watson arrive at the crime scene, Holmes comments that the body's been moved from the original scene of death.
Bell: Tell me something I don't know.
Holmes: A pig's orgasm can last up to thirty minutes.
Holmes remarking that one suspect's "confession" consists of him parroting what the interrogating detective asks him.
Sherlock: "Mr. O'Brien, did you build a giant robot to kill Trent Annunzio?" "Yes, I built a giant robot to kill Trent Annunzio."

10 - The Leviathan

"The Leviathan" introduces Mr. Batonvert, whose name translated from French literally means "Greenstick". He's referred to as "Greenstick" for the rest of the episode.
After Holmes has just taken his frustration out on the namesake vault with the fire ax from the nearby box, Watson looks at him incredulous. Holmes' reaction?
"Before you say anything, I'd like to remind you that I am holding an axe."
Joan finding her car keys are being used to counterweight a dead squirrel.
Joan mentions the famous "truth" quote. Sherlock's reaction?
Joan: Someone once said, "Once you've eliminated the impossible, whatever remains, no matter how improbable, is the truth."
Sherlock: Sounds like a windbag.
At the beginning of the episode, Sherlock has spent the night with a pair of identical twin sisters. The double-takes from Joan and the client when the sisters are around is worth a giggle.

12 - M

While the circumstances are far from funny, Sherlock gets a good dig in at Sebastian Moran:
Sherlock: Arsenal fan. As if I didn't have enough reason to despise you.
"M": You!
Sherlock: Me! Baton! (whacks "M" out cold)
One of the show's promotional commercials for its post-Super Bowl episode has Sherlock (or perhaps Jonny Lee Miller himself) bouncing the football on his head.

13 - The Red Team

Sherlock admitting that he trolls the conspiracy theorists for fun.
Sherlock: I adore them. As one does a barmy uncle, or a pet who can't stop walking into walls.
The episode-long Running Gag of Sherlock and Clyde the turtle.
This exchange:
Sherlock: My name is Sherlock Holmes. I am a temporarily suspended consultant from the NYPD. This is Joan Watson, she keeps me from doing heroin. And you are?
Bill: Bill.
Holmes trying to hail a taxi using a whistle and failing. Then seeing Joan hail a taxi by yelling 'Taxi!'
Gregson and Bell are at a crime scene and the still suspended Holmes keeps on texting them details that he saw. He even has photos of the crime scene where they are to their disbelief.
Joan notices the Napoléon Bonaparte picture on Sherlock's wall.
Joan: And Napoleon?
Sherlock: By my fifth night without sleep, I may have been reaching.
- Doubles as a Mythology Gag to the original stories, where Holmes referred to Moriarty as "the Napoleon of crime".
The revelation that the reason the murdered conspiracy theorist was killed was that he and another conspiracy theorist were having an argument about who staged the moon landing.

14 - The Deductionist

The B Plot concerns a porno that was shot and filmed in Watson's apartment while she's been living with Sherlock. It provides several hilarious moments such as both her and Sherlock criticizing the film's continuity errors, Sherlock buying a spatula to replace the one that was "violated" in the porno in question (as well as a replacement toothbrush, though just why Watson's old brush needed to be replaced when they didn't use it in the film is never explained)^note and Watson blackmailing the film's director and the superintendent who was in on it to pay for her items to be put into storage and a new couch.
Watson: Because after everything that couch has been through in that movie, it needs to be taken out back and shot.
Sherlock picks out Watson's clothes for the day.
Sherlock: I'm in a hurry, Watson. Shall I select your undergarments as well?
In the Cold Open, Sherlock is tied up by two hookers, who suddenly turn off the music. When Sherlock asks if this is intermission, one of them cheerfully says, "No, this is the part where we take your stuff." Her friend then adds, "We're robbing you." It's even funnier when we find out that this is all a set-up by Sherlock.

15 - A Giant Gun, Filled with Drugs

Rhys' identification of the likely suspect who ordered Emily's kidnapping:
Watson: Is he the one you stole from?
Rhys: Well, technically, I stole from all of them, but yeah, he'd be pretty upset with me.
Sherlock's utter disdain for Twitter.
Sherlock: Suffocatingly inane. This is so crushing in its utter banality. Sufficiently asinine as to constitute a valid argument for eugenics.
Joan: Okay, I give up. What are you reading?
Sherlock: Emily's Twitter feed.

16 - Details

At the beginning of the episode, Sherlock dresses up as a burglar and "attacks" Watson in order to test her. He broke the ruse once she tripped trying to flee him. He was less than impressed. She was less than pleased.
Holmes: Now you hit me. Seriously?!
Watson: What is your DAMAGE?!
- Joan getting her own back for Sherlock assaulting her in the foyer by throwing over the rack of locks Sherlock has sorted by country of origin. The look on Sherlock's face is priceless. Hit them where it hurts...
Sherlock hit Joan in the back with a tennis ball. She later retaliates by beaning him in the face with a basketball.
- “Could have been a knife.”
Watch Gregson in the background when Holmes is initially questioning Bell... he gives a rather magnificent Face Palm of annoyance.
While searching Bell's apartment:
Holmes: Can you think of any reason that Bell would have a lingerie catalog in which your head has been superimposed on almost all of the models?
Watson: (blank look)
Holmes: He hasn't. But can you think of any reason he would?
Watson: (rolls eyes)
Bell's brother telling him that the worst thing that any of his ex-girlfriends ever did to him (Bell's had just tried to frame him for murder) was wreck his bicycle.
Holmes telling Bell that he knows he is innocent of the murders he is being framed for, not because Bell is too good to commit murder, but because only an idiot would stash the murder weapon inside his own home:
Holmes: ...and you, Detective, are not an idiot.
Bell: (deadpan) Thank you.

17 - Possibility Two

Sherlock destroying a doll with acid for no real reason.
Joan: You're gonna put the acid away before we answer the door, right?
Sherlock is fooling around with molecule models to figure out the chemicals involved in the case...only for him to give up and build a dinosaur instead. He pouts when Watson dissembles it the next morning.
This exchange:
Mr. Lydon: I sit before you a lucid man. Vital, I might say. I hold eighteen patents, and I can do...eleven pull ups at age fifty-eight.
Sherlock: And I own exactly sixteen forks. I'm not entirely sure what we're supposed to be comparing.
Lydon's driver, Crabtree, shows up at the brownstone with a bee in a box for Sherlock as an offer of payment in exchange for Sherlock taking the case. Sherlock is unimpressed until he realizes it's a rare species and proceeds to stare in wonder for several moments before rejecting it. As Crabtree turns away, still holding the bee, Sherlock looks visibly pained by the decision. Joan, for her part, is utterly baffled by his reaction.

18 - Deja Vu All Over Again

Holmes reveals his violin skills to Gregson.
Sherlock: You didn't know I play the violin?
Gregson: Before today, I didn't know you ate food.
When describing the subway pusher case, Holmes tells Watson he's not worried because he knows exactly what the suspect looks like. Then he holds up a vague police sketch.
Watson: I can't tell if you're joking right now.
A wonderful Sophisticated as Hell moment:
Sherlock: Opinions are like ani^noteassholes; everybody's got one.

19 - Snow Angels

Sherlock squirrels himself away in a sheet tent as a way of hiding from Ms. Hudson and her boyfriend's arguing.
Joan is forced to change her clothes under her blankets because Sherlock burst into her room with a bundle of her clothes and started ranting.
Clyde the ambulance and Sherlock's unintentional Visual Pun of using locks to represent the city. Topped when Sherlock explains what he worked out to Gregson the next day.
Gregson: So the stapler's an ambulance?
Sherlock: It was a tortoise last night, bear with me.
On being informed that Captain Gregson is unavailable because there's a snowstorm going on:
Sherlock: A storm, you say? We shall be on the lookout.
Right after that, the little tantrum Sherlock throws in the cab of the snow plow.
This exchange:
Sherlock: The thieves made off with $33 million in cash in an ambulance, American made, from the mid-90's. (begins walking off)
Joan: And the driver had a lazy eye, the other two met at basketball camp, and one has canine lupus. (Sherlock stares at her) See how it feels?

20 - Dead Man's Switch

When discussing the nickname of one of the blackmailers:
Joan: So you think that Zelner was his accomplice and that Milverton gave him that codename because he was heavy-set?
Sherlock: Orson Welles was heavy-set. Abraham Zelner could pull small moons out of orbit.
The Running Gag of Sherlock rudely interrupting Joan sleeping. It's gotten so often that she just slumps back into her pillows as he starts sharing his thoughts on the case.

21 - A Landmark Story

Joan's rage at being forced to break into a funeral home, to the point where she defies an attempted Friendship Moment when Sherlock tries to get her to dissect a body...then dissects it anyway when Sherlock quickly proves his lack of medical training. He's flamboyantly complimentary of her skill -
Joan: No. No. I am dissecting a body in the middle of a night. We are not having a moment.
Joan's sarcastic comeback at the thought of sending flowers to the first victim. "With deepest sympathy. PS, this may have been murder."
Sherlock mentions a guy who designs skyscrapers as a suspect. Joan muses on how he gets his teeth so white.
Sherlock throws an air conditioner off the roof. It whizzes right by Joan's window.
Joan: Hey! Tell me you did not just throw an air conditioner from the roof!
Sherlock: The math is not quite as hard as you might imagine.
Joan: I'm not talking about how hard it is, I am talking about the fact that you could kill somebody.
Sherlock: I checked the courtyard before I dropped it! And I hit the "X" I drew on the ground. On the first attempt, I might add.
- Also, the "WTF?" look on her face as it went by was priceless.

22 - Risk Management

Sherlock's method of waking up Joan this time? Turning a desk lamp on and off repeatedly in front of her face. And as he's ranting about his thoughts on the current case, he hops backward on one foot.
Sherlock: Oh good, you're awake.
Joan needs to use the bathroom. Literal (and figurative) Toilet Humor ensues.
Sherlock: If you need to use the toilet, I'll just turn away. You didn't have asparagus last night, did you?
Gregson talking to Joan about how he's worried for her safety, but not his own.
Gregson: I've got a gun.
Joan: And a penis.

24 - Heroine

As Sherlock is explaining what he's deduced of Moriarty's plan to Joan:
Sherlock: This is a Macedonian denar.
Joan: You just have this lying around?
Earlier Sherlock was expositioning about Macedonia itself and its name dispute with Greece.
Joan: Two of my cousins both wanted to name their sons Henry. It was a big thing at Thanksgiving. What are you getting at?
Sherlock's exchange with a poacher/possible henchman of Moriarty:
Theophilus: I have never in my life heard the name Moriarty.
Sherlock: Narwhal, stop lying to us.
Lawyer: My client has asked you several times to stop referring to him as Narwhal.
Sherlock: Don't know why it's bothering him, they're lovely creatures. Unicorns of the sea.
Joan checks up on Sherlock's shoulder pain.
Joan: Okay, what's the pain like today?
Sherlock: It's fine, it's barely noticeable.
Joan: Give me a number 1 to 10.
Sherlock: (beat) ...Pi.

Season 2

1 - Step Nine

Mycroft had been upset with Sherlock for "proving" his fiancée was a gold digger by sleeping with her several times.
Mycroft: The last time I saw him, he was face deep in my fiancée. [...] Seven times, if memory serves, once in a pod on the London Eye.
After a chat with Joan, Mycroft decides to bury the hatchet with Sherlock by blowing up Sherlock's things that he put in storage after moving into 221b Baker Street.
- Among Sherlock's old possessions, he owns a real Shrunken Head, a possibly genuine Picasso, and books on bomb building.
- This is somehow made funnier by the fact that when the explosion happens, Sherlock doesn't even react.
  - Save to repeat the salient detail:
    Sherlock: Books on bomb building...
The second Mycroft and Sherlock see each other, they start needling each other.
Sherlock: Watson! Your rest is going to have to wait, we have to locate — oh. My. God.
Mycroft: My. Croft. Hasn't been that long, has it?
Joan: Would someone like to explain what's going on here?
Sherlock: Fatty, this is Watson. Watson, this is Fatty.
Mycroft: "Fatty?" I'd say I've slimmed down quite a bit, wouldn't you?
Sherlock: Lap band?
Mycroft: Exercise.
Sherlock: Exercise requires energy and ambition, you've never had either.
Sherlock tweaking the shippers' noses by suspecting Watson wants to sleep with him by proxy through his brother.
Watson's reaction to 221B Baker Street (which neither character knows that Mycroft has moved into), after Sherlock tells her that entering is like stepping into the inside of his brain:
Watson: The inside of your brain is kind of boring.
Watson's face after Sherlock calls Mycroft "an indolent man child".
After solving a case involving carrier pigeons, Sherlock laments that the pigeon in question got away during the arrest.
Detective Bell: What are you gonna do with a carrier pigeon?... you know what, I don't want to know.

2 - Solve For X

Sherlock shows up uninvited at a crime scene:
Sherlock: Det. Bell. Sorry I'm late.
Det. Bell You're not late. You texted me and said you heard on your scanner there'd been a shooting. I texted you back, told you I didn't need any help.
Sherlock: Actually, you wrote, and I quote, "Yes please, now. Triple smiley face with tongue protruding."
Det. Bell Yeah, see, that's not from me. That's from someone named "Bella" and you got it last December. My name's "Bell", no "a". But I can see why you might've confused us, not like you're into details or anything.
Bell proves his Deadpan Snarker credentials:
Sherlock: Have you always been this observant? I'm asking sincerely; I'm wondering if exposure to my methods has helped you in any way.
Bell: Actually, before you came along, I'd never closed a case. Neither had the rest of the department. Most of us were thinking of packing up, leaving. Letting the city fend for itself!
After Sherlock turns on the UV lamp:
Det. Bell: What is all this?
Sherlock: I'm going to take a very literal stab in the dark and say...maths.
Joan meets Harlan, one of Sherlock's acquaintances. He does his math shirtless.
Harlan: If you're looking for Sherlock, he's downstairs.
Joan: Okay. (Beat) I will go there now.

3 - We Are Everyone

Sherlock's plans for the night? Flame wars.
Joan: So you plan on arguing on the internet all night.
Sherlock: Yes. (Joan rolls her eyes.)
- Later, he gives Joan the tablet because he's been spending too much time in the chatroom, then quickly asks for it back after he thinks of a suitable rebuttal.
The hackers get into all of Joan and Sherlock's electronics: disabling power, cutting off internet access, and filling Joan's dating profile with her home address, concerning opinions about same-sex marriage, and something involving nudity and trains.
Joan talking to one of her friends while casually solving the mock-crime scenes Sherlock texts her images of. Which he has posed using dolls and doll furniture in a dollhouse. Includes a moment where she solves one (a man with his head stuck in the oven) and states it's a staged suicide because "nobody sticks their head in an oven any more" while chuckling.
Sherlock and Watson meet a Belgian man named Mr. Mueller. He and Sherlock play backgammon. After he leaves, Sherlock suggests they first look into Mr. Mueller to see who he truly is.
Joan: Mueller's not his real name?
Sherlock: No Belgian is that bad at backgammon.
When one of Joan's dates show up to see if she's okay, Sherlock begins shouting in the background.
Sherlock: Right! Hack this!
Joan: Sorry, that's my roommate. He's...a long story.
Sherlock, in an effort to be a "considerate flatmate", has now taken to stashing Clyde the Turtle in Joan's bed so that he will no longer have to wake her up when there's a development in the case.
Joan: You're using your pet turtle as an alarm clock?
Sherlock's opinion of the dating site Joan is on:
Sherlock: I weep for the whole desperate lot of you.
Joan's casual attitude about stealing a suspect's watch while Sherlock is completely flabbergasted, because he hadn't taught her that, is both awesome and hilarious.
Joan: Our power's out so what else was I going to do but read?

4 - Poison Pen

At a gym, after Holmes takes down someone so hard that Joan actually looks away for a moment in sympathy.
Sherlock: So did you learn anything, Watson?
Joan: Yeah, that you fight dirty.
Sherlock: No, I fight without mercy, a habit that you should develop if you hope to defend yourself against bigger, stronger opponents. Which may occur unless we limit ourselves to investigating crimes committed by small children. Or large house cats.
Gregson interviewing Mistress Felicia.
- In addition to the fact, other than asking how they met, everyone in the room just takes Holmes knowing Mistress Felicia in stride.

5 - Ancient History

Joan trying to get her revenge on Sherlock after finding out he slept with her friend. Again.
Joan: I just want you to know I think it's really great - you doing what you did today for Jen, so she can finally have a baby. I don't think I've ever seen her so happy.
(Sherlock gives a look)
Joan: She did tell you she was ovulating, right?
(He squints suspiciously)
Joan: I almost had you.
Sherlock: Yes. Almost.
Holmes using a funny voice as part of a disguise he dons during an investigation.
Joan: Do I want to know why he has a lisp?
Sherlock: Childhood sledding accident. But let's not get bogged down in the details of a cover identity...

6 - An Unnatural Arrangement

Apparently Sherlock refers to most of the detectives in the department as "Not-Bell".

7 - The Marchioness

Sherlock doesn't take the revelation of Joan sleeping with Mycroft very well.
Sherlock's new method of waking Joan up? Poking her with a stick.
- Not poking her with a stick, poking the lump in the bed next to her to make sure it's not his brother.

8 - Blood Is Thicker

Mycroft tries to convince Sherlock to return to London, and suggests that their father would like that as well.
Mycroft: I know he wasn't the most demonstrative, but he was quite proud of the work you did at Scotland Yard, and he'd imagined that once you'd completed your rehabilitation you'd return to England, maybe even show a little... gratitude.
Sherlock: Early-onset dementia is so sad...

10 - Tremors

On the stand, Sherlock claims Gregson gave a sugary speech about how amazing he is, which we actually see acted out. Which the judge promptly calls bullshit on, leading to him admonishing Holmes for flourishing the events, leading to Holmes saying that technically, he doesn't have any real power for a judge, since he is in neither state or federal court, causing Gregson to Face Palm.

11 - Internal Audit

Regarding some skaters (nicknamed by Sherlock as "The Narcissists" due their tendency to upload videos online).
Watson: I know how to talk to them.
Holmes: You speak idiot?
Sherlock's introduction to Randall.
Sherlock: And you are?
Randall: Randy.
Sherlock: The noun or the adjective?
Randall: What?
Sherlock: The shortened form of Randall, or a state of sexual arousal?
Randall: ...Are you asking if I'm horny?

12 - The Diabolical Kind

Sherlock and Moriarty greet each other.
Moriarty: You look a bit tired.
Sherlock: You look a bit evil.
Sherlock's description of Moriarty.
Sherlock: The woman is A Riddle Wrapped in a Mystery Inside an Enigma I've had sex with. I would be lying if I said I was the strongest assessor of her motives at this point.

13 - All in the Family

Sherlock and Watson walk away from a mobster they were talking to.
Sherlock: After that cock-up, the chances of him spending a day in prison just plummeted.
Mobster gets in his car, which immediately blows up.
Sherlock: (completely deadpan) I was right. Not one day in prison.

14 - Dead Clade Walking

To meet with a man who deals in black market artifacts, Sherlock creates a forgery of Martin Luther's ninety-five theses. Sherlock reasons it doesn't have to stand up to scrutiny, so the forgery switches to English after the first few pages and contains theses of dubious historical veracity.
Watson: 42. Thaddeus is hereby declared the best Apostle, and those who disagree shall be vigorously tickled.
Sherlock vs. Gay the Geologist
Gay: I'm Gay.
Sherlock: (nonplussed) I'm not.
Gay: No, it's my name. I also am...gay. Saves time.
Sherlock: How efficient.
Sherlock suspects the culprit is a museum curator trying to cover up the fact that one of his dinosaur skeletons is a fake (it was built out of pieces of several skeletons instead of a single complete skeleton). So he spends probably an hour or more pacing round and round the display with a hand-lettered cardboard sign reading "THIS IS A FRAUDULENT DIMETRODON" as bemused museum patrons look on.

15 - Corpse de Ballet

While on dates, Sherlock hangs a sign on his bedroom door reading "Coitus in progress or recently concluded".

16 - The One Percent Solution

Sherlock rescues a pair of cocks from a cock fighting ring, names them Romulus and Remus, and decides to try and tame them within a week. In the meantime he uses them occasionally to wake up Joan. By the end of the episode, he is successful in rehabilitating them.
Joan: So what now? *Beat* We own chickens now, don't we. *second Beat* I'm not feeding them.
- Sherlock's repeated attempts to make Joan say the word "cock" throughout the episode.
  - He succeeds by using one to wake her up:
    Joan: Why is Romulus outside my door?
    Sherlock: That's Remus!
    Joan: I don't care which cock I am holding. I just want to know how it got there. [Beat] Okay, congratulations. You got me to say it!
    Sherlock: I don't know if you've settled on an epitaph yet, but it does occur to me that would look fantastic on a tombstone.
The reveal that Sherlock is why Pluto is no longer a planet.

17 - Ears to You

Detective Bell has been trying to find a disappeared prostitute. Sherlock gets antsy about the delay.
Sherlock: How long does it take to find a bloody prostitute?
Joan: Marcus said he was going to call in an hour. It's been...45 minutes. To be fair, he only has a first name and a hair color.
Sherlock: Luxury! I'll name that tart in 20 keystrokes.

18 - The Hound of the Cancer Cells

What an overcaffienated Sherlock sounds like.
Joan: *barely awake* Are you okay? You seem hyper.
Sherlock: Imayhavehadacoffeeorthreewithmyteathismorning.
Now that the tremors in Marcus' hand have gone away, his fellow officers decide to give him a gag gift to commemorate his successfully passing the firearms exam: a paint mixer.
Joan: [reading the card] "Now that your hand's better who's going to shake all the paint around here?" That is in questionable taste.

19 - The Many Mouths of Aaron Colville

Sherlock needs the help of "Everyone", the hacker group from "We Are Everyone", to dig up the deleted social networking profiles of a murder suspect. The price for their assistance?
Sherlock: I'm meant to record myself singing the songs from something called Frozen.
- They also want him to do this while wearing a prom dress.
- And afterward, he says they praised his performance as being better than the original.
- The price for getting dental records was Sherlock standing around holding a sign reading "Help catch a murderer by punching me in the arm."
Watson waking up twice with Clyde sitting on her. In an adorable "Turtle cozy" to boot.
In the Cold Open, Sherlock catches a robber by using stabbing him in the leg with a pen.
Sherlock: Sorry, I mistook you for a corpse.

20 - No Lack of Void

Joan gets a text from her Mother urging her to dump out all her milk because of an Anthrax scare. Her and Sherlock have a casual conversation in the kitchen about how silly the paranoia is while Joan grabs all the milk and starts dumping it out. When Sherlock calls her on it, Joan says that her Mother's text just reminded her that the milk went bad and she was going to get rid of it.

21 - The Man With the Twisted Lip

Sherlock wants a "shared custody agreement" between him and Mycroft over Joan. Joan is not happy:
Sherlock: There's no need to be offended. It's a term of art.
Joan: It's a term of never use it again or I will kick you in your soft parts.

22 - Paint It Black

The circumstances themselves aren't funny, but Sherlock being an absolute child when Joan is kidnapped, throwing at least two tantrums. Bonus for Mycroft's complete exasperation during.
Sherlock's initial exchange at Credit Versoix, where they are trying to appeal to the Holmes brothers and their money by setting out a lavish spread. Sherlock makes no secret of his disdain for the bank or its patrons, but this exchange shows that he can still show credit where credit is due.
Mr. Hostetler: It's not every day we get the chance to sit down with such an influential family. Your father has a reputation of being uh... sui generis.
Sherlock: My father is a Lovecraftian horror who uses his money to bludgeon his way to ever-more-obscene profits.
Mr. Hostetler: And Credit Versoix is the perfect banking partner for a man accustomed to the aggressive practice of business.
Sherlock: (pause) Yes. Well parried.
Sherlock's exchange with a very serious and scary Head of Security, particularly so because he's clearly so tense and preoccupied with Joan's kidnapping but still takes the time to mock the poor guy's name.
Sherlock: Your surname is perilously close to yodel. As a Swiss, that must grow tiresome.
Yoder: It's not a joke I allow people to make twice.
Sherlock: How ominous.

23 - Art in the Blood

Mycroft's explanation for how he kept his involvement with the MI6 a secret from Sherlock.
Sherlock: So you honestly expect me to believe that you are an MI6 asset, and you have kept that hidden from me for over a decade.
Mycroft: Right... 'Cause we're so close.
Sherlock meets Mycroft's MI6 handler.
Sherrington: We saved your partner's life.
Sherlock: For that you have my gratitude.
Sherrington: And your brother's.
Sherlock: I'll let that slide.

Season 3

1 - Enough Nemesis to Go Around

Joan knocks on the door and Sherlock calls for Kitty to answer it.
Kitty: Have you forgotten you've got me tied to a chair down here?
Sherlock (muttering): You should have freed yourself minutes ago.

3 - Just a Regular Irregular

Sherlock meets Andrew, Joan's new boyfriend. While the latter is naked.
Andrew: [Joan] said you could tell a lot about people just by looking at them. I swear I usually wear pants.
When Sherlock and Harlan meet with a potential lead, her Cute, but Cacophonic dog starts yapping away at them. When she gives Sherlock a dog treat to calm the dog down, Sherlock eats it instead.
Phil Simms' cameo, where he's revealed to be one of the world's greatest knife throwers who only became a football player because it paid better.
Holmes calls Watson while she's in bed with Andrew and immediately points out that he knows that she just had sex. Made funnier by Bell being with Holmes at the time and clearly wanting to be anywhere else in the world than in the middle of this conversation.

4 - Bella

Sherlock and Joan have a custody agreement over Clyde. Kitty is more offended about the distance. (Brooklyn and Chelsea are roughly ten miles apart.)
Kitty: This list you left on my door. Item 1: Return Clyde to Watson.
Sherlock: I enjoy his company on the weekends. She has him during the week.
Kitty: I don't care how you divided up your turtle. I care that you're asking me to go to Chelsea.
Sherlock is in an glass office having one of his temper tantrums again and Kitty asks for Joan's help.
Joan: Is everything okay?
Kitty: It's like I said on the phone, he just won't stop. Any ideas?
Joan: [knocks on the glass] You're not planning to destroy the computer are you?
Sherlock: [indignantly] No, I'm not planning to destroy the bloody computer.
Joan: [as she walks away] Just ride it out. If he starts hitting things, use the fire extinguisher on him.
- Kitty's look of open-mouthed disbelief at this (the first time we have seen such a face on her) is hilarious in its own right.
Sherlock and Joan fight like an old divorced couple.
Sherlock: I supposed I should be flattered that you think I'm capable of manipulating events to such a degree of detail.
Joan: Well, I wouldn't put it past you! [she turns to Kitty] Would you?
Kitty: [trying her hardest to not look at them] I'm not involved in this conversation.

5 - Rip Off

Holmes tricking a muscular suspect into punching himself in the nose to get a blood sample through the means of an arm wrestling match.
Kitty signing Sherlock's non-disclosure agreement:
Kitty: I hereby forgo my right to tell my non-existent friends that I am babysitting a sociopathic tortoise.
Bell is called to the brownstone as Sherlock figured out an important clue to the case...to which he finds several crash test dummies one of which is set up in some elaborate harness.^noteTo prove the killer had literally ripped the victim's hand off, if you're curious.
Bell: If you called me here for some messed up puppet show —
- Bell expressing his doubts the test dummies proves Sherlock's theory while at the same time stating he doesn't want to be the reason the latter breaks into morgue to prove said theory in the same breath. Which you know since it's Sherlock and he has actually done that on the show before, it's not outside the realm of possibility.

6 - Terra Pericolosa

Kitty proves she can keep up with Sherlock and Joan as a Deadpan Snarker.
Joan: So, did he behave himself while I was gone?
Kitty: That depends. Are you talking about the frowny one with the hard shell, or do you mean Clyde?

7 - The Adventure of the Nutmeg Concoction

Sherlock's Irregular of the week is the Nose, who's Only Known by Their Nickname. Joan can't believe Sherlock doesn't even know the guy's real name, or even bothered to ask.
Joan: How do two adults have a relationship where one never calls the other anything but The Nose?
Sherlock makes an off-hand comments about "last night's events". Turns out his plan to put out a fake murder to try and catch a criminal murder cleaner actually attracted an undercover police officer, with all the drama that entails. Of course Sherlock tones it down:
Sherlock: There was a bit of confusion and some waving of guns.
Joan: Did you get arrested?

9 - The Eternity Injection

The internet collective Everyone agrees to search for missing persons who received payments from a shell corporation. In return, Sherlock has to put together a researched essay as to why Bella should have ended up with Jacob, not Edward. And read it aloud at a convention.
- Better than that is Sherlock's personal assessment of the whole thing: The best solution is Bella/Jacob/Edward. Yes, Sherlock has an OT3.
After spending the night researching the current case, Sherlock wakes up a sleeping Watson with a bugle playing Reveille. No he doesn't play the bugle: he has one and spent the hour before learning the song and the song alone. Why? Joan ended up spending the night at the brownstone doing casework, giving Sherlock a chance to wake her up.
Joan: Are you going to wake up Kitty?
Sherlock: Of course not. I'm a courteous housemate.

13 - Hemlock

Watson trying to get Sherlock to find a roommate:
Watson: Well call me if you're going crazy, and think about the roommate! (She leaves, leaving Bell and Holmes alone.)
(Beat)
Bell: (hurriedly) I ain't moving in with you.
The entire opening montage of Sherlock trying to fill the void Kitty left is funny, in a sad way. He talks non-stop about murder to two gorgeous women he's bedding, some random guy he's playing chess with, and a mannequin.
Random Guy: ...Are you lonely?
(Beat.)
Sherlock: (very put out) That’s not the point.
When discussing the murder victim, Sherlock says it was probably a man that killed him, since he was beaten to death with a fire extinguisher, and that he doesn't think it's likely a woman would've done it. He then breathlessly adds, "Though not impossible, of course. Watson, I've got every confidence that you could brain a man with a metal tube if you put your mind to it."
Joan: That's very nice of you to say.

14 - The Female of the Species

The "waking up Joan" Running Gag is turned on its head: Joan wakes Sherlock up by dropping books onto the table after he falls asleep at her dinner table.
Joan: [grinning] Wow, I really enjoyed that!
Sherlock's offended by a pun.
Sherlock: I also require you to change your online username. The cheap punnery of BeeBeeKing17 is offensive to musicians and apiarists alike.

15 - When Your Number's Up

A scene at the end shows that Sherlock's eccentricities are rubbing off on Joan. She decides to move into the brownstone's basement and seal one of the doors leading to it, but she doesn't tell Sherlock until he's already in the basement, alone. Then he hears some loud noises from the top of the stairs...
Sherlock: Is that a nail gun?

17 - T-Bone and the Ice Man

The reveal (which a certain kind of fan likely picked up on immediately) that the mysterious bearded man from the police sketch is Torgo from Manos: The Hands of Fate.

18 - The View From Olympus

Joan sees Sherlock laying out a bear pelt on the floor.
Joan: That's the sex blanket.
Sherlock: [indignant] I have asked you not to call it that.
Sherlock's hatred of startup names.
Bell: He was a driver for one of those ride-sharing companies. Zooss? It's like the Greek god, but with two O's and two S's.
Sherlock: The dot-com mavens will not rest until every word has been mangled. That's "word" with one "O".

22 - The Best Way Out Is Always Through

Bell's bewilderment that The Stanley Cup is inside the brownstone. And he and Sherlock are tossing cards into it.
Bell: [as he and Sherlock throw cards into it] I don't know which is weirder, the fact that I'm spending my Friday night with you, or the Stanley freaking Cup.
- Before that, Joan finds it in the bathtub. Sherlock's apparently trying to verify that it's the real thing.
Joan: Is this the real Stanley Cup?
Sherlock: That's precisely what I'm trying to determine.
- Plus Watson being very unimpressed with it being in the tub when she's trying to shower.
  [Watson gives a Death Glare] Sherlock: [hurriedly picking it up] It can dry elsewhere.
Joan's growing annoyance at Sherlock's gushing over the novelty of a seemingly physically adventurous female criminal.
Sherlock: For a previously unremarkable drug dealer, Miss Moreno continues to defy expectations. Spree killer is yet another category dominated by men.
Joan: (sarcastically) How does she do it?
Sherlock: Would you be happier if women were better criminals?
Sherlock on his Destructive Romance with Moriarty.
Sherlock: Well, at least I have Watson. You deserve more.
Bell: She's IA...
Sherlock: The love of my life is a homicidal maniac. [Bell looks at him funny] No one's perfect.

Season 4

1 - The Past is Parent

Sherlock is studying a crime scene...only for a phone to go off. He starts asking whose phone it is, and one of the blood-spattered victims speaks up. Turns out it's just an re-enactment of the crime scene and the actress forgot to shut her phone off.
Sherlock spends most of the episode matter-of-factly discussing his plans regarding the prison sentence he expects to receive for his beating of Oscar, including reviewing the prison's addiction program and being pen-pals with Watson.

3 - Tag, You're Me

Sherlock's response to Joan calling him Clyde's "dinner date":
Sherlock: Close, but wrong cold-blooded reptile. My dinner date is my father. I can understand you confusing him for Clyde. They could be doppelgangers.

4 - All My Exes Live In Essex

The cold open starts with Sherlock and Joan sitting, facing each other, each with their hands cuffed behind them. Their Deadpan Snarker back and forth is at first peculiar, until it becomes apparent that they are learning how to pick the locks of a newly-released model of handcuffs.
Sherlock deliberately playing music that annoys Joan. He begins with Rebecca Black's "Friday", and then:
Holmes: There’s also a song that appeals to me as a detective. It’s a mystery about dogs and who might have let them out.

5 - The Game's Underfoot

The entire sequence of Sherlock playing a video game...badly. Joan's even backseat gaming him until he gives up and gives her the controller.
Joan: [After Sherlock loses the game] May I? [Sherlock wordlessly hands her the joystick]
Sherlock: I'm going to go and ice my thumb.
- Hell, just the fact that the show has an episode based on Atari's dumping in a landfill all the unsold copies of the ET The Extraterrestrial video game is pure gold.

7 - Miss Taken

Holmes gives Cassie two devices he says are listening bugs. In reality, one is a flash bang and he tells Watson he'll activate it the next day to give an excuse for the cops to show up at the house. He waves her concerns off as it's just "a small bomb." Cut to the next day as the duo walk past a fleet of cop cars and fire trucks about the house.
Watson: I thought you said it was a small bomb.
The B-Plot involves Joan learning that there's been a book out for months where the fictional characters are based on her and Sherlock...except for the gun shoot-outs, the martial arts fights, and sex. The author, Grover Ogden, turns out to be her father. How?
Watson: Grover Ogden? We lived on Ogden Avenue and Grover was our dog and by the way that's how you pick a porn name not a pen name.

10 - Alma Matters

Morland walks out of his room and sees Sherlock standing at the top of the stairs waiting for him.
Morland: I could have sworn I had that statue removed.
After telling Morland to return to London, Sherlock empties a honey bottle (that he had for Morland) into his sink. Pure pettiness that makes for an amusing visual, especially because the bottle only slowly empties (after the entire scene, it's only halfway empty).

12 - A View With a Room

Watson finds Sherlock studying a toy house he's using to plan out infiltrating a drug dealer's base.
Watson: You're finally making up for that childhood you never had...as a three-year old girl.
Sherlock's response to Gregson asking him to help organize a heist on a violent biker gang so that they can bust them for dealing meth?
I'm positively engorged. When do we start?
Later, Watson returns home to find Sherlock has put all the furniture on the roof to replicate the base with her bed sitting in for the pool table. When she tries to go back inside, she finds he's locked the door as a further testing.
Sherlock: I've noticed there's a significant drop in attendance at the gang's headquarters that coincides with the free lunch buffet on Wednesdays at the local strip club. We could wait for the inevitable outbreak of Hepatitis A but I think the detective might want to act sooner than that.
In a particularly Literal-Minded moment, Fiona asks Sherlock if he's ever had boyfriends before, as she has had trouble with past boyfriends, herself. Sherlock has never given any indication of being bisexual, but he takes the question in complete stride.
Sherlock: I, myself, have not. Perhaps I just haven't met the right guy.

13 - A Study in Charlotte

Sherlock mentions a past incident where he "took care" of his neighbors, cue Joan returning one night to see police and fire trucks by their house.
Watson: Tell me you didn't set the place on fire!
Sherlock: I did not set the place on fire!
- Bonus, Sherlock is just sitting in a chair clearly waiting for Watson and he says his line at the same time as Watson. Heartwarming to show how in sync they are, but still funny to see. (and to just imagine Sherlock going through the mental loops of "I have to wait here to reassure Watson because she will think it was me.")
After an explanation involving what he really was planning, which included a chainsaw, we had this:
Watson: I am sorry for accusing you of arson.
Sherlock: Well, I was the obvious suspect.
Sherlock, noting that getting a tattoo for love is a bad idea, invites Watson to imagine how foolish he'd look with Moriarty's name tattooed on his stomach. Watson, while acknowledging the point, can't help but correct him: it would be Irene's name.

17 - You've Got Me, Who's Got You?

The opening, where Sherlock helps Joan out on a homeless clothes drive ...by making six members of Everyone strip down.
- Even better; it's all done so nonchalantly that only Joan seems disturbed.
Sherlock just removing priceless 1940s comic books from the plastic so he can read them.
When he's listing the Midnight Ranger's many deaths, Sherlock mocks how he himself died in Reichenbach Falls.
Sherlock meeting the Standard Bearer in his kitchen.
Sherlock: Usually masked people only come to my home to kill me. Or have sex with me. On one notable occasion, both.
Sherlock does a Sherlock Scan on Standard Bearer, and Standard Bearer asks how he did it.
Sherlock: I was bitten by a radioactive detective.
Sherlock's reaction to the various Superhero Origins of the "Superlative Heroes" (many of which involve radiation in some way).
Sherlock: In what universe are these people not already dead from cancer?
- And later, when informing the comic book creators of the Midnight Ranger's death:
Sherlock: Unfortunately, the bullets were not radioactive, so he will be remaining quite dead.

18 - Ready or Not

Sherlock scrunching his face, frowning, and deducing that a client has been abusing his son is generally not funny. He does follow up on it:
Sherlock: There are two things you should know: First is that I'm going to punch you in the face. (He does.) Second is that we will be taking your case.

22 - Turn It Upside Down

One of the clues to the killer was that one of those who died had an allergic reaction to something on him, being a mountain lion. Sherlock suggests that perhaps he owns one which Joan points out is illegal; its his tone that really sells his response:
Sherlock: [incredulous] And a triple murderer would never risk a violation from the Health Department?!

24 - A Difference in Kind

Joan suggests they should try to set up her stepsister and Marcus together. Sherlock is not enthused:
Sherlock: And to think my father thought I was the greatest threat to our circle of friends...

Season 5

3 - Render, and Then Seize Her

Sherlock and Joan interview a studio editor about a potential lead, who then asks if Sherlock's accent is real and offers to hire him for voice work for one of his clients. Sherlock stares at him with an offended look on his face.
Sherlock finds himself arguing in favour of marriage... sort of.
Sherlock: Studies have shown that there are health benefits for men who reside in a state of sexless antagonism with a life partner.
Watson: Then you'll live to be a hundred.

5 - To Catch a Predator Predator

One of Sherlock's fake dating profiles: Wade Applewhite, a Florida-born systems analyst who moved to New York City with big dreams and enjoys wind surfing. He even sports a fake pair of glasses to stay in character.

10 – Pick Your Poison

Joan sees a mannequin with a knife struck through.
Watson: Sometimes I wonder what hobbies other people’s roommates have.
Sherlock: I briefly shared a flat in London with a collector of wild game urine. He used it as a lure for hunting and trapping.
Watson: Oh, then I count my blessings.
In the same conversation, Sherlock rants about the Idiot Ball that Shinwell can carry.
Sherlock: He allowed himself to be duped by an FBI agent who told him he was a registered informant, when he wasn’t. He left fingerprints on a gun at the scene of a murder he did not commit. And how did you two meet again?
Watson: Wait, hold on a second…
Sherlock: That’s right! You pulled five bullets out of him after he was ambushed and shot! Now that I know him better I’m surprised he didn’t step on a bear trap and then fall down a well! I’m sorry, but if I had known he was going to remain with the SBK, I never would have wiped his fingerprints from that gun! That man is safer in prison!

12 – Crowned Clown, Downtown Brown

Sherlock proves again how terrible he is at building rapport.
Suspect: It’s not illegal to wear a scary costume in public, okay? I checked.
Gregson: You know what is illegal? Murder.
Sherlock: We checked.
Watson returns to find circus music blaring loudly in the house.
Sherlock: It helps put me in the mindset of someone who will want to kill a clown!
Sherlock outright admits to breaking into a home and still keeps his Deadpan Snarker attributes.
Suspect: Can I help you?
Sherlock: Yeah, you can tell me how much it costs to turn a respected virologist into a mass-poisoner.
This moment, hilarity combined with Sherlock finding a Loophole Abuse.
Sherlock: We contacted the Montenegrin government ourselves. There’s no extradition treaty with the United States, but they were only too happy to put Dr. Thorpe back on a plane when they discovered he was carrying a virulent superbug. We might have left out the part about it not being lethal or contagious.

13 - Over a Barrel

Under a timed deadline to solve a case or risk Watson's life, Sherlock has to locate a gang that went missing years ago.
Bell: Can't exactly go walking into gang territory with a sign that says "looking for bad guys".
(Gilligan Cut to Sherlock walking down a street with a cardboard sign reading "LOOKING FOR BAD GUYS", complete with mug shots.)
Bell: This is a bad idea!
Sherlock: Don't have time for good ideas!
And then it works, with a car pulling up and a man asking them to get in. When Sherlock asks who they are, the man simply points to one of the mug shots and says "That one".
After all the suspicions about gangs, drugs and guns, the smuggling operation? Black market Canadian maple syrup.
- The writers are not making this up, there have actually been some infamous heists involving maple syrup - see here for one possible inspiration for the show.

16 - Fidelity

Kitty's son is playing with some dolls Sherlock left lying around. When his caretaker, Margaret, notices that the doll appears to be have killed, Kitty matter-of-factly tells her about all the deaths the dolls have been put through for Sherlock's recreations.
- Then Margaret tries to soothe little Archie with what looks like a strange hand-cranked eggbeater, only for this gem from Watson:
Watson: Where did you get that from?
Margaret: A trunk in the guest room. Why?
Watson: No reason. There's just, like, a 50/50 chance that's a Victorian sex toy.
Kitty making Garber duck and cover by means of a Groin Attack. Even funnier is that later on, he's actually a good sport about it.
Garber: I'm guessing you played soccer?
Kitty: I think you meant "football."
Garber: Yeah, I do.
Sherlock: That's because Ms. Winters' foot devastated your testicles, very funny, yes.

18 - Dead Man's Tale

While in a warehouse where the state stores the items of those who die without any heirs (whice is filled with large wooden crates), Marcus asks if he's the only one keeping an eye out for the Ark of the Covenant.
Sherlock: Nah, that's in a warehouse in Yemen.
Marcus: (Beat, a little freaked out) I was joking.
Sherlock: So was I.
- Bell's reaction is actually really hilarious as after five years, he has absolutely no reason Sherlock couldn't be able to find it. Then you realize the implication that Sherlock has seen at least one of the Indiana Jones movies.

19 - High Heat

The Victim of the Week being Kirby, a man whom Sherlock considered the worst private investigator in all of New York. One of the other victims is identified as Kirby's business partner, who started as his driver when Kirby was starting to lose his vision.
Sherlock: A legally blind private eye. No comment.
Both victims were killed by being thrown in a cemetery oven leaving only large bones and dust; however, thanks to one of the men having a prosthetic foot and gold tooth, Sherlock is able to hazard a guess to who it is.
Marcus: Which means it took you all of ten minutes to identify a John Doe who'd been burnt to powder. That's got to be a record.
- Sherlock then snarks by asking him how many men he knows that shows off a high school class ring.

22 - Moving Targets

A mobster being interviewed at one point is entirely unflustered by reminders of all the murders he's suspected of.
Marcus: Your brother-in-law, Milo Spitz, was found dead in his car at South Mount Reservation.
Mobster: Milo committed suicide.
Joan: He was stabbed sixteen times.
Mobster: Hardest he ever worked in his life.

Season 6

01 - An Infinite Capacity for Taking Pains

While questioning a man about the disappearance of his black sheep sister's ex-boyfriend, Sherlock describes him as "tall, tattoos, phallus to make a Clydesdale blush."

03 - Pushing Buttons

At an appointment for his post-concussion syndrome, Sherlock quotes Three little Maids. the following exchange ensues
Dr. Hanson: Not a very enthusiastic performance, but thanks for the demonstration. At least we know your long-term memory is unaffected.
Holmes: Evidently my last concussion was not enough to erase my schoolboy years with Gilbert and Sullivan.
Dr. Hanson: There are elective procedures for that.

04 - Our Time is Up

Joan and Sherlock are discussing a new recurring character:
Watson: When are you going to introduce me to him?
Holmes: You're asking as if he and I were a couple. We're fellows in a recovery program.
A running gag with one of the murder victim's suspects:
Man: One of the patients' preferred sex object was a shoe!
Watson: [After Bell glances at her] It wasn't me.
- Later, Sherlock admits to stealing confidential data from the doctor's office.
Holmes: The primary reason that psychiatric records are kept confidential is that many self-described sane people are judgmental idiots. I myself am not. For example, I fully support this man's quest to have sex with as many shoes as possible.
A suspect is irritated that his ‘guard dog’ allowed the NYPD consultants into his office so easily. Sherlock decides to help out.
Holmes: Don’t be too hard on Gina, we told her we’d come to level a murder accusation at you. I think she found that a little unsettling.

06 - Give me the Finger

Despite Joan suggesting they wait until morning, Sherlock decides to break into an unmarked industrial warehouse. It turns out to be an unmarked US military site. Goes about as well as expected.
Both funny and heartwarming: as proof of his whereabouts during a murder, a man admits he had photos of a ‘sensitive nature’. He asks Joan to leave the room. Sherlock defends her presence by pointing out that Ms. Watson is Dr. Watson and likely has seen it all, but after seeing the photos, admits that “I was wrong, Watson, you likely haven’t seen this.” The man was into baby roleplay.
In a small room with all their suspects, Sherlock opens a lunch box, and almost everyone reacts badly.
Holmes: The mingled stench of rotting flesh, ammonia and gym socks is the hallmark odor of the durian, a fruit from Southeast Asia. My doctor says its blend of minerals and vitamins is highly therapeutic. It also just helped us identify the killer.

08 – Sand Trap

Sherlock notices that Joan seems to be hiding a guest in their home. He is delighted and eager to meet who he assumed to be Joan’s new lover whether they be a him, her, or them. His face when a pregnant woman enters the room is hilarious.

09 - No One Lives Forever

The Running Gag gets a hilarious subervsion as Sherlock wakes up Watson with zero theatrics, merely gently waking her by saying her name softly:
Watson: Om my god. Am I dreaming or did you just wake up without any theatrics?
Sherlock: Well you were quite understanding about the extra sleep I required during my bout with PCS. I thought I'd return the favor...once

14 – Through the Fog

To get the cooperation of a crime family member, Sherlock steals a car gifted to the boy from the family head. When the crime lord himself comes in, Sherlock offers information about a rival Russian gang. As the man points out, Sherlock just made himself an enemy of two gangs. He then asks Sherlock how he got his information.
Holmes: I used to buy heroin from them.

15 - How To Get a Head

Returning from scuba-diving to check on some pig carcasses he sunk some time earlier, Holmes discovers Watson had a one-night stand with a cop and has a fun fight about it.
Watson: I'm not going to call you every time I'm about to have sex.
Holmes: If you're worried about inconveniencing me, what's one phone call every two to three years?
Sherlock is suggesting a detective to the Captain to take Bells' place when he leaves.
Captain Gregson: What's wrong with the detectives that work here already?
Sherlock: Nothing. They are, without a doubt, the best of the best. They're reflections of their Captain in every way. It's just...
Captain Gregson: You annoy a lot of them.
Sherlock: [Nodding] I annoy a lot of them.

16 - Uncanny Valley of the Dolls

From the beginning, Bell is unsettled by an unnaturally realistic-looking sex doll equipped with smart technology. Later, said sex doll 'confesses' to him that 'she' arranged the murder. At this point, Bell knows to just yell for Sherlock.
- Later, Sherlock asks Bell to call Watson in to pull the same prank. Bell casually suggests he sees the police captain instead.

17 - The Worms crawl in, the Worms crawl out

The opening scene, Sherlock once again asks two women – Athena and Sophia – to help him solve a mystery…he paints them as part of a wall.
Sherlock becomes the victim of identity theft, and learns his information was sold and brought online. He locates the buyer, and after asking for the seller’s information, gives him this advice.
Holmes: The name Sherlock Holmes comes with certain entanglements, I’ll hate to see you assaulted, kidnapped or murdered because of me. Get yourself a new identity as soon as possible.
When chasing after one of his younger associates for results:
Holmes: Mason, I’ve yet to receive the results of your second task, so imagine my annoyance when I logged on to your space game to see that you’ve started to rebuild your alliance with your treacherous girlfriend rather than finding my thief. Fulfill the terms of our deal, or I will join your game and I will lay your home world to ashes.

18 - The Visions of Norman P. Horowitz

The episode opens with Sherlock dressed as an opera conductor. Then he starts waving his baton and the music starts. What piece are they playing? The Jam's "Town Called Malice".
Sherlock tells Joan he has left her everything in his will, not surprisingly coming from a very wealthy family the assets are staggering.
Watson: Okay, I don’t mean to be crass, but if you are murdered how many reasons will the police have to suspect me?
In the same scene, they go online to check Sherlock’s bank account.
Holmes: I’ve been robbed…how offensive.
- The rest of the episode has a running gag of gold bullion being left unattended in the house after Sherlock confronted the thief, who quickly repaid him back.

19 - The Geek Interpreter

The opening has Watson being woken up by Sherlock’s voice, but it’s not Sherlock in the room with her.
Watson: Who is this stranger in my bedroom with your face strapped on?
The man, Wiggins, has Sherlock’s face on a tablet he strapped over his head. While Sherlock talks to Joan, he keeps acting out and waving his hands.

Funny / Elementary

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