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1 - Pilot
- A humorous scene where we see Holmes introducing Watson to Gregson. Just seconds ago, Watson insisted that she is his companion.
Holmes: Gregson, this is Watson, my personal valet.
Watson: *Death Glare*
- The reason he broke out of rehab the day he was to be released into Watson's care? Boredom.
- The show's nod to how someone like Holmes likely would adapt to modern times: occasionally he just Googles something. Because not everything is deducible naturally.
- Holmes's reaction to Watson's success interrogating the previous strangulation victim after he failed.
- After Holmes rams Watson's car into Mantlo's and ends up in jail, Watson demands to be let in on his whole plan, because obviously he wouldn't have done that if he weren't setting something up - and then she realizes from his expression that, no, that really was just a temper tantrum.
- Joan finding an old violin that Holmes used to play...which he promptly lights ablaze the second her back is turned.
Sherlock: You were right about the stress relief. I felt like Jimi Hendrix for a second there.
- Then later, in probably the greatest The Gad Fly moment of the show, Holmes begins moving his fingers under his chin oddly at his next therapy session. Holmes says he's playing the violin again, the world's smallest in fact, while listening to a woman tell her story of what made her quit using drugs.
- Holmes is attempting to determine the validity of a coma patient's coma (answer, not much). His preferred method? Stab her in the thigh with a needle. (Specifically, in the softest part of her thigh; "Plenty of nerve endings there.") Watson stops him and tests the patient herself. By picking up the woman's hand and dropping it directly onto her face.note Holmes' reaction is priceless:
Holmes: Oh, so it's okay for you to do that, but I can't stab her in the thigh with a needle?
- The opening of the episode shows Holmes in group therapy being unusually still. When Watson puts her hand on him, he jumps up shouting "AMYGDALA!" and then happily leaves as if nothing happened. It turns out that he had hypnotized himself into a trance. The next time they're at a meeting, Holmes is about to doze off when Watson threatens to jab a thumbtack into his thigh. The look on her face wisely shuts him up.
- Watson's reaction to the suggestion that Sherlock is her boyfriend:
Ty: So... He's your boyfriend.
Watson (Two seconds later, realizing what Ty just said): Wow. Uh, not even close.
- This bit:
Watson: (watching Holmes work his jaw after being slapped) She got you good, huh?
Holmes: Lefty. Caught me by surprise. (indicating left side of his face) This side—leathery from slaps. (indicating right side) This side—baby's bottom.
- Which becomes a Brick Joke when Ty later tells Joan that Sherlock's lucky he didn't get hit.
Ty: Tell your friend he's lucky I didn't slug him.
Joan: [muttering under her breath] If you do, swing from the left.
- Which becomes a Brick Joke when Ty later tells Joan that Sherlock's lucky he didn't get hit.
- "You know what would be great for you? Jazzercise."
- Holmes spends the morning (and the previous night) entirely shirtless. It's not until after he receives a call from Gregson that he realizes it.
Holmes: I could have sworn I was wearing a shirt at some point.
- A sleep-deprived Holmes insists on going through his case files again, but Watson has other ideas. She takes his case files away from him and darkens the room. Holmes whines that he's perfectly fine, only to conk out seconds later.
- Joan demonstrates squats as a way to stay awake so Sherlock does them with her. Then, the next morning reveals that he did hundreds of these after she fell asleep and he's aching all over.
- The moment she shows them to him is hilarious in and of itself. She starts demonstrating them and explaining the concept as Sherlock stares at her blankly... then after a Beat and with the most perfect timing, he joins in without missing a single step. This GIF set captures the moment pretty damn well.
- After Holmes has been rescued, he attempts to thank Watson, only to fumble and ramble about she figured out how to find him.
Watson: I'm sorry, are you trying to take credit for the fact that I saved your life?
Holmes: *deer in headlights*
Watson: And so soon after you promoted me to bodyguard!
- Sherlock offends Joan's former friends.
Sherlock: What drove the two of you apart? Man? Job? Failed sapphic dalliance? Fingers crossed for the last one.
Watson: He has a form of Tourette's.
- In the lift, Sherlock gives an awkward apology to the Almighty Janitor for earlier when he threw a jug off water on the ground to get the Janitor out of the room. The janitor says it's alright, gets out of the lift... but not before he presses every button up to Sherlock's floor.
- While a suspect is being interrogated, Sherlock bursts into the room and chucks an orange at the suspect. Just to test his depth perception.
Sherlock: *entering interview room* "Victor Nardin; think fast!" *throws orange at the suspect's face, bouncing it off his left eye* "This man is innocent." *leaves*
- Particularly how quick the whole thing was:
- Sherlock's ringtone for Watson? Psycho Strings.
- This exchange:
Sherlock: I left some urine in your room.
- Our heroes are interrogating a woman who'd been blackmailed with a video of her former prostitution.
Holmes: And when he found out, he turned the screw...
Watson: So to speak.
- Since she's usually the proper and polite one, it just sounded like she couldn't help herself.
- Holmes and Watson follow Bell on a lead to a bank, where a safe deposit box holds...a Cheech and Chong movie. That held the above prostitution video.
Bell: [makes a disappointed face] Huh. Cheech and Chong's Next Movie...well it wasn't a good movie, but it didn't make me want to commit a homicide.
- When Holmes and Watson arrive at the crime scene, Holmes comments that the body's been moved from the original scene of death.
Bell: Tell me something I don't know.
Holmes: A pig's orgasm can last up to thirty minutes.
- Holmes remarking that one suspect's "confession" consists of him parroting what the interrogating detective asks him.
Sherlock: "Mr. O'Brien, did you build a giant robot to kill Trent Annunzio?" "Yes, I built a giant robot to kill Trent Annunzio."
- "The Leviathan" introduces Mr. Batonvert. Whose name in French means green stick.
- After Holmes has just taken his frustration out on the namesake vault with the fire ax from the nearby box, Watson looks at him incredulous. Holmes' reaction?
"Before you say anything, I'd like to remind you that I am holding an axe."
- Joan finding her car keys are being used to counterweight a dead squirrel.
- Joan mentions the famous "truth" quote. Sherlock's reaction?
Joan: Someone once said, "Once you've eliminated the impossible, whatever remains, no matter how improbable, is the truth."
Sherlock: Sounds like a windbag.
- While the circumstances are far from funny, Sherlock gets a good dig in at Sebastian Moran:
Sherlock: Arsenal fan. As if I didn't have enough reason to despise you.
Sherlock: Me! Baton! [whacks "M" out cold]
- One of the show's promotional commercials for its post-Super Bowl episode has Sherlock (or perhaps Jonny Lee Miller himself) bouncing the football on his head.
- Sherlock admitting that he trolls the conspiracy theorists for fun.
Sherlock: I adore them. As one does a barmy uncle, or a pet who can't stop walking into walls.
- The episode-long Running Gag of Sherlock and Clyde the turtle.
- This exchange:
Sherlock: My name is Sherlock Holmes. I am a temporarily suspended consultant from the NYPD. This is Joan Watson, she keeps me from doing heroin. And you are?
- Holmes trying to hail a taxi using a whistle and failing. Then seeing Joan hail a taxi by yelling 'Taxi!'
- Gregson and Bell are at a crime scene and the still suspended Holmes keeps on texting them details that he saw. He even has photos of the crime scene where they are to their disbelief.
- Joan notices the Napoleon Bonaparte picture on Sherlock's wall.
Joan: And Napoleon?
Sherlock: By my fifth night without sleep, I may have been reaching.
- Doubles as a Mythology Gag to the original stories, where Holmes referred to Moriarty as "the Napoleon of crime".
- The revelation that the reason the murdered conspiracy theorist was killed was that he and another conspiracy theorist were having an argument about who staged the moon landing.
- The B Plot concerns a porno that was shot and filmed in Watson's apartment while she's been living with Sherlock. It provides several hilarious moments such as both her and Sherlock criticizing the film's continuity errors, Sherlock buying a spatula to replace the one that was "violated" in the porno in question (as well as a replacement toothbrush, though just why Watson's old brush needed to be replaced when they didn't use it in the film is never explained), and Watson blackmailing the film's director and the superintendent who was in on it to pay for her items to be put into storage and a new couch.
Watson: Because after everything that couch has been through in that movie, it needs to be taken out back and shot.
- Sherlock picks out Watson's clothes for the day.
Sherlock: I'm in a hurry, Watson. Shall I select your undergarments as well?
- Sherlock's utter disdain for Twitter.
Sherlock: Suffocatingly inane. This is so crushing in its utter banality. Sufficiently asinine as to constitute a valid argument for eugenics.
Joan: Okay, I give up. What are you reading?
Sherlock: Emily's Twitter feed.
- Sherlock hit Joan in the back with a tennis ball. She later retaliates by beaning him in the face with a basketball.
- Joan getting her own back for Sherlock assaulting her in the foyer by throwing over the rack of locks Sherlock has placed by country of origin. The look on Sherlock's face is priceless.
- At the beginning of the episode, Sherlock dresses up as a burglar and "attacks" Watson in order to test her. She's not happy about it.
Holmes: Now you hit me?
- Bell's brother telling him that the worst thing that any of his ex-girlfriends ever did to him (Bell's had just tried to frame him for murder) was wreck his bicycle.
- Sherlock destroying a doll with acid for no real reason.
Joan: You're gonna put the acid away before we answer the door, right?
- Sherlock is fooling around with molecule models to figure out the chemicals involved in the case...only for him to give up and build a dinosaur instead. He pouts when Watson dissembles it the next morning.
- This exchange:
Mr. Lydon: I sit before you a lucid man. Vital, I might say. I hold eighteen patents, and I can do...eleven pull ups at age fifty-eight.
Sherlock: And I own exactly sixteen forks. I'm not entirely sure what we're supposed to be comparing.
- Holmes reveals his violin skills to Gregson.
Sherlock: You didn't know I play the violin?
Gregson: Before today, I didn't know you ate food.
- When describing the subway pusher case, Holmes tells Watson he's not worried because he knows exactly what the suspect looks like. Then he holds up a vague police sketch.
Watson: I can't tell if you're joking right now.
- A wonderful Sophisticated as Hell moment:
Sherlock: Opinions are like ani; everybody's got one.
- Sherlock squirrels himself away in a sheet tent as a way of hiding from Ms. Hudson and her boyfriend's arguing.
- Joan is forced to change her clothes under her blankets because Sherlock burst into her room with a bundle of her clothes and started ranting.
- Clyde the ambulance and Sherlock's unintentional Visual Pun of using locks to represent the city. Topped when Sherlock explains what he worked out to Gregson the next day.
Gregson: So the stapler's an ambulance?
Sherlock: It was a tortoise last night, bear with me.
- On being informed that Captain Gregson is unavailable because there's a snowstorm going on:
- Right after that, the little tantrum Sherlock throws in the cab of the snow plow.
- This exchange:
Sherlock: The thieves made off with $33 million in cash in an ambulance, American made, from the mid-90's. *begins walking off*Joan: And the driver had a lazy eye, the other two met at basketball camp, and one has canine lupus. *Sherlock stares at her*Joan: See how it feels?
- When discussing the nickname of one of the blackmailers:
Joan: So you think that Zelner was his accomplice and that Milverton gave him that codename because he was heavy-set?
Sherlock: Orson Welles was heavy-set. Abraham Zelner could pull small moons out of orbit.
- The Running Gag of Sherlock rudely interrupting Joan sleeping. It's gotten so often that she just slumps back into her pillows as he starts sharing his thoughts on the case.
- Joan's rage at being forced to break into a funeral home, to the point where she defies an attempted Friendship Moment when Sherlock tries to get her to dissect a body...then dissects it anyway when Sherlock quickly proves his lack of medical training. He's flamboyantly complimentary of her skill -
Joan: No. No. I am dissecting a body in the middle of a night. We are not having a moment.
- Joan's sarcastic comeback at the thought of sending flowers to the first victim. "With deepest sympathy. PS, this may have been murder."
- Sherlock mentions a guy who designs skyscrapers as a suspect. Joan muses on how he gets his teeth so white.
- Sherlock throws an air conditioner off the roof. It whizzes right by Joan's window.
Joan: Hey! Tell me you did not just throw an air conditioner from the roof!
Sherlock: The math is not quite as hard as you might imagine.
Joan: I'm not talking about how hard it is, I am talking about the fact that you could kill somebody.
Sherlock: I checked the courtyard before I dropped it! And I hit the "X" I drew on the ground. On the first attempt, I might add.
- Also, the "WTF?" look on her face as it went by was priceless.
- Sherlock's method of waking up Joan this time? Turning a desk lamp on and off repeatedly in front of her face. And as he's ranting about his thoughts on the current case, he hops backward on one foot.
Sherlock: Oh good, you're awake.
- Joan needs to use the bathroom. Literal (and figurative) Toilet Humor ensues.
Sherlock: If you need to use the toilet, I'll just turn away. You didn't have asparagus last night, did you?
- Gregson talking to Joan about how he's worried for her safety, but not his own.
Gregson: I've got a gun.
Joan: And a penis.
- As Sherlock is explaining what he's deduced of Moriarty's plan to Joan:
Sherlock: This is a Macedonian denar.
Joan: You just have this lying around?
- Earlier Sherlock was expositioning about Macedonia itself and its name dispute with Greece.
Joan: Two of my cousins both wanted to name their sons Henry. It was a big thing at Thanksgiving. What are you getting at?
- Sherlock's exchange with a poacher/possible henchman of Moriarty:
Theophilus: I have never in my life heard the name Moriarty.
Sherlock: Narwhal, stop lying to us.
Lawyer: My client has asked you several times to stop referring to him as Narwhal.
Sherlock: Don't know why it's bothering him, they're lovely creatures. Unicorns of the sea.
- Joan checks up on Sherlock's shoulder pain.
Joan: Okay, what's the pain like today?
Sherlock: It's fine, it's barely noticeable.
Joan: Give me a number 1 to 10.
Sherlock: (beat) ...Pi.
1 - Step Nine
- Mycroft had been upset with Sherlock for "proving" his fiancée was a gold digger by sleeping with her several times.
Mycroft: The last time I saw him, he was face deep in my fiancée. [...] Seven times, if memory serves, once in a pod on the London Eye.
- After a chat with Joan, Mycroft decides to bury the hatchet with Sherlock by blowing up Sherlock's things that he put in storage after moving into 221b Baker Street.
- Among Sherlock's old possessions, he owns a real Shrunken Head, a possibly genuine Picasso, and books on bomb building.
- The second Mycroft and Sherlock see each other, they start needling each other.
Sherlock: Watson! Your rest is going to have to wait, we have to locate — oh. My. God.
Mycroft: My. Croft. Hasn't been that long, has it?
Joan: Would someone like to explain what's going on here?
Sherlock: Fatty, this is Watson. Watson, this is Fatty.
Mycroft: "Fatty?" I'd say I've slimmed down quite a bit, wouldn't you?
Sherlock: Lap band?
Sherlock: Exercise requires energy and ambition, you've never had either.
- Sherlock tweaking the shippers' noses by suspecting Watson wants to sleep with him by proxy through his brother.
- Watson's reaction to 221B Baker Street (which neither character knows that Mycroft has moved into), after Sherlock tells her that entering is like stepping into the inside of his brain:
- Watson's face after Sherlock calls Mycroft "an indolent manchild".
- After solving a case involving carrier pigeons, Sherlock laments that the pigeon in question got away during the arrest.
Detective Bell: What would you do with a... you know what, I don't want to know.
- Sherlock shows up uninvited at a crime scene:
Sherlock: Det. Bell. Sorry I'm late.Det. Bell You're not late. You texted me and said you heard on your scanner there'd been a shooting. I texted you back, told you I didn't need any help.Sherlock: Actually, you wrote, and I quote, "Yes please, now. Triple smiley face with tongue protruding."Det. Bell Yeah, see, that's not from me. That's from someone named "Bella" and you got it last December. My name's "Bell", no "a". But I can see why you might've confused us, not like you're into details or anything.
- Bell proves his Deadpan Snarker credentials:
Sherlock: Have you always been this observant? I'm asking sincerely; I'm wondering if exposure to my methods has helped you in any way.
Bell: Actually, before you came along, I'd never closed a case. Neither had the rest of the department. Most of us were thinking of packing up, leaving. Letting the city fend for itself!
- After Sherlock turns on the UV lamp:
Det. Bell: What is all this?
Sherlock: I'm going to take a very literal stab in the dark and say...maths.
- Joan meets Harlan, one of Sherlock's acquaintances. He does his math shirtless.
Harlan: If you're looking for Sherlock, he's downstairs.
Joan: Okay. (beat) I will go there now.
- Sherlock's plans for the night? Flame wars.
Joan: So you plan on arguing on the internet all night.
Sherlock: Yes. (Joan rolls her eyes.)
- Later, he gives Joan the tablet because he's been spending too much time in the chatroom, then quickly asks for it back after he thinks of a suitable rebuttal.
- The hackers get into all of Joan and Sherlock's electronics: disabling power, cutting off internet access, and filling Joan's dating profile with her home address, concerning opinions about same-sex marriage, and something involving nudity and trains.
- Joan talking to one of her friends while casually solving the mock-crime scenes Sherlock texts her images of. Which he has posed using dolls and doll furniture in a dollhouse. Includes a moment where she solves one (a man with his head stuck in the oven) and states it's a staged suicide because "nobody sticks their head in an oven any more" while chuckling.
- When one of Joan's dates show up to see if she's okay, Sherlock begins shouting in the background.
Sherlock: Right! Hack this!
Joan: Sorry, that's my roommate. He's...a long story.
- Sherlock, in an effort to be a "considerate flatmate", has now taken to stashing Clyde the Turtle in Joan's bed so that he will no longer have to wake her up when there's a development in the case.
Joan: You're using your pet turtle as an alarm clock?
- Sherlock's opinion of the dating site Joan is on:
Sherlock: I weep for the whole desperate lot of you.
- Joan's casual attitude about stealing a suspect's watch while Sherlock is completely flabbergasted, because he hadn't taught her that, is both awesome and hilarious.
Joan: Our power's out so what else was I going to do but read?
- At a gym, after Holmes takes down someone so hard that Joan actually looks away for a moment in sympathy.
Sherlock: So did you learn anything, Watson?
Joan: Yeah, that you fight dirty.
Sherlock: No, I fight without mercy, a habit that you should develop if you hope to defend yourself against bigger, stronger opponents. Which may occur unless we limit ourselves to investigating crimes committed by small children. Or large house cats.
- Gregson interviewing Mistress Felicia.
- In addition to the fact, other than asking how they met, everyone in the room just takes Holmes knowing Mistress Felicia in stride.
- Joan trying to get her revenge on Sherlock after finding out he slept with her friend. Again.
Joan: I just want you to know I think it's really great - you doing what you did today for Jen, so she can finally have a baby. I don't think I've ever seen her so happy.
(Sherlock gives a look)
Joan: She did tell you she was ovulating, right?
(He squints suspiciously)
Joan: I almost had you.
Sherlock: Yes. Almost.
- Holmes using a funny voice as part of a disguise he dons during an investigation.
Joan: Do I want to know why he has a lisp?
Sherlock: Childhood sledding accident. But let's not get bogged down in the details of a cover identity...
- Apparently Sherlock refers to most of the detectives in the department as "Not-Bell".
- Sherlock doesn't take the revelation of Joan sleeping with Mycroft very well.
- Sherlock's new method of waking Joan up? Poking her with a stick.
- Not poking her with a stick, poking the lump in the bed next to her to make sure it's not his brother.
- On the stand, Sherlock claims Gregson gave a sugary speech about how amazing he is, which we actually see acted out. Which the judge promptly calls bullshit on, leading to him admonishing Holmes for flourishing the events, leading to Holmes saying that technically, he doesn't have any real power for a judge, since he is in neither state or federal court, causing Gregson to Face Palm.
- Regarding some skaters (nicknamed by Sherlock as "The Narcissists" due their tendency to upload videos online).
Watson: I know how to talk to them.
Holmes: You speak idiot?
- Sherlock's introduction to Randall.
Sherlock: And you are?
Sherlock: The noun or the adjective?
Sherlock: The shortened form of Randall, or a state of sexual arousal?
Randall: ...Are you asking if I'm horny?
- Sherlock and Moriarty greet each other.
Moriarty: You look a bit tired.
Sherlock: You look a bit evil.
- Sherlock's description of Moriarty.
- Sherlock and Watson walk away from a mobster they were talking to.
Sherlock: After that cock-up, the chances of him spending a day in prison just plummeted.
Mobster gets in his car, which immediately blows up.
Sherlock: (completely deadpan) I was right. Not one day in prison.
- To meet with a man who deals in black market artifacts, Sherlock creates a forgery of Martin Luther's ninety-five theses. Sherlock reasons it doesn't have to stand up to scrutiny, so the forgery switches to English after the first few pages and contains theses of dubious historical veracity.
Watson: 42. Thaddeus is hereby declared the best Apostle, and those who disagree shall be vigorously tickled.
- Sherlock vs. Gay the Geologist
Gay: I'm Gay.Sherlock: (nonplussed) I'm not.Gay: No, it's my name. I also am...gay. Saves time.Sherlock: How efficient.
- Sherlock suspects the culprit is a museum curator trying to cover up the fact that one of his dinosaur skeletons is a fake (it was built out of pieces of several skeletons instead of a single complete skeleton). So he spends probably an hour or more pacing round and round the display with a hand-lettered cardboard sign reading "THIS IS A FRAUDULENT DIMETRODON" as bemused museum patrons look on.
- While on dates, Sherlock hangs a sign on his bedroom door reading "Coitus in progress or recently concluded".
- Sherlock rescues a pair of cocks from a cock fighting ring, names them Romulus and Remus, and decides to try and tame them within a week. In the meantime he uses them occasionally to wake up Joan. By the end of the episode, he is successful in rehabilitating them.
- Sherlock's repeated attempts to make Joan say the word "cock" throughout the episode.
- He succeeds by using one to wake her up:
Joan: Why is Romulus outside my door?
Sherlock: That's Remus!
Joan: I don't care which cock I am holding. I just want to know how it got there. [beat] Okay, congratulations. You got me to say it!
Sherlock: I don't know if you've settled on an epitaph yet, but it does occur to me that would look fantastic on a tombstone.
- He succeeds by using one to wake her up:
- Sherlock's repeated attempts to make Joan say the word "cock" throughout the episode.
- The reveal that Sherlock is why Pluto is no longer a planet.
- Detective Bell has been trying to find a disappeared prostitute. Sherlock gets antsy about the delay.
Sherlock: How long does it take to find a bloody prostitute?Joan: Marcus said he was going to call in an hour. It's been...45 minutes. To be fair, he only has a first name and a hair color.Sherlock: Luxury! I'll name that tart in 20 keystrokes.
- What an overcaffienated Sherlock sounds like.
Joan: *barely awake* Are you okay? You seem hyper.
- Now that the tremors in Marcus' hand have gone away, his fellow officers decide to give him a gag gift to commemorate his successfully passing the firearms exam: a paint mixer.
Joan: [reading the card] "Now that your hand's better who's going to shake all the paint around here?" That is in questionable taste.
- Sherlock needs the help of "Everyone", the hacker group from "We Are Everyone", to dig up the deleted social networking profiles of a murder suspect. The price for their assistance?
Sherlock: I'm meant to record myself singing the songs from something called Frozen.
- They also want him to do this while wearing a prom dress.
- And afterward, he says they praised his performance as being better than the original.
- The price for getting dental records was Sherlock standing around holding a sign reading "Help catch a murderer by punching me in the arm."
- Watson waking up twice with Clyde sitting on her. In an adorable "Turtle cozy" to boot.
- In the Cold Open, Sherlock catches a robber by using stabbing him in the leg with a pen.
Sherlock: Sorry, I mistook you for a corpse.
- Sherlock wants a "shared custody agreement" between him and Mycroft over Joan. Joan is not happy:
Sherlock: There's no need to be offended. It's a term of art.
Joan: It's a term of never use it again or I will kick you in your soft parts.
- The circumstances themselves aren't funny, but Sherlock being an absolute child when Joan is kidnapped, throwing at least two tantrums. Bonus for Mycroft's complete exasperation during.
- Sherlock's exchange with a very serious and scary Head of Security, particularly so because he's clearly so tense and preoccupied with Joan's kidnapping but still takes the time to mock the poor guy's name.
Sherlock: Your surname is perilously close to yodel. As a Swiss, that must grow tiresome.Yoder: It's not a joke I allow people to make twice.Sherlock: How ominous.
- Mycroft's explanation for how he kept his involvement with the MI6 a secret from Sherlock.
Sherlock: So you honestly expect me to believe that you are an MI6 asset, and you have kept that hidden from me for over a decade.Mycroft: Right... 'Cause we're so close.
- Sherlock meets Mycroft's MI6 handler.
Sherrington: We saved your partner's life.Sherlock: For that you have my gratitude.Sherrington: And your brother's.Sherlock: I'll let that slide.
1 - Enough Nemesis to Go Around
- Joan knocks on the door and Sherlock calls for Kitty to answer it.
Kitty: Have you forgotten you've got me tied to a chair down here?
Sherlock (muttering): You should have freed yourself minutes ago.
- Sherlock meets Andrew, Joan's new boyfriend. While the latter is naked.
Andrew: [Joan] said you could tell a lot about people just by looking at them. I swear I usually wear pants.
- When Sherlock and Harlan meet with a potential lead, her Cute but Cacophonic dog starts yapping away at them. When she gives Sherlock a dog treat to calm the dog down, Sherlock eats it instead.
- Phil Simms' cameo, where he's revealed to be one of the world's greatest knife throwers who only became a football player because it paid better.
- Sherlock and Joan have a custody agreement over Clyde. Kitty is more offended about the distance. (Brooklyn and Chelsea are roughly ten miles apart.)
Kitty: This list you left on my door. Item 1: Return Clyde to Watson.
Sherlock: I enjoy his company on the weekends. She has him during the week.
Kitty: I don't care how you divided up your turtle. I care that you're asking me to go to Chelsea.
- Sherlock is in an glass office having one of his temper tantrums again and Kitty asks for Joan's help.
Joan: Is everything okay?
Kitty: It's like I said on the phone, he just won't stop. Any ideas?
Joan: [knocks on the glass] You're not planning to destroy the computer are you?
Sherlock: [indignantly] No, I'm not planning to destroy the bloody computer.
Joan: [as she walks away] Just ride it out. If he starts hitting things, use the fire extinguisher on him.
- Sherlock and Joan fight like an old divorced couple.
Sherlock: I supposed I should be flattered that you think I'm capable of manipulating events to such a degree of detail.
Joan: Well, I wouldn't put it past you! [she turns to Kitty] Would you?
Kitty: [trying her hardest to not look at them] I'm not involved in this conversation.
- Holmes tricking a muscular suspect into punching himself in the nose to get a blood sample through the means of an arm wrestling match.
- Kitty signing Sherlock's non-disclosure agreement:
Kitty: I hereby forgo my right to tell my non-existent friends that I am babysitting a sociopathic tortoise.
- Kitty proves she can keep up with Sherlock and Joan as a Deadpan Snarker.
Joan: So, did he behave himself while I was gone?Kitty: That depends. Are you talking about the frowny one with the hard shell, or do you mean Clyde?
- Sherlock's Irregular of the week is the Nose, who's Only Known by Their Nickname. Joan can't believe Sherlock doesn't even know the guy's real name, or even bothered to ask.
Joan: How do two adults have a relationship where one never calls the other anything but The Nose?
- The internet collective Everyone agrees to search for missing persons who received payments from a shell corporation. In return, Sherlock has to put together a researched essay as to why Bella should have ended up with Jacob, not Edward. And read it aloud at a convention.
- Better than that is Sherlock's personal assessment of the whole thing: The best solution is Bella/Jacob/Edward. Yes, Sherlock has an OT3.
- Sherlock wakes up a sleeping Watson with a bugle. Which he only just learned to play the night before.
Joan: Are you going to wake up Kitty?
Sherlock: Of course not. I'm a courteous housemate.
- Watson trying to get Sherlock to find a roommate:
Watson: Well call me if you're going crazy, and think about the roommate! [She leaves, leaving Bell and Holmes alone.][beat]Bell: [hurriedly] I ain't moving in with you.
- The "waking up Joan" Running Gag is turned on its head: Joan wakes Sherlock up by dropping books onto the table after he falls asleep at her dinner table.
Joan: [grinning] Wow, I really enjoyed that!
- Sherlock's offended by an Incredibly Lame Pun.
Sherlock: I also require you to change your online username. The cheap punnery of BeeBeeKing17 is offensive to musicians and apiarists alike.
- A scene at the end shows that Sherlock's eccentricities are rubbing off on Joan. She decides to move into the brownstone's basement and seal one of the doors leading to it, but she doesn't tell Sherlock until he's already in the basement, alone. Then he hears some loud noises from the top of the stairs...
Sherlock: Is that a nail gun?
- The reveal (which a certain kind of fan likely picked up on immediately) that the mysterious bearded man from the police sketch is Torgo from "Manos" The Hands of Fate.
- Joan sees Sherlock laying out a bear pelt on the floor.
Joan: That's the sex blanket.
Sherlock: [indignant] I have asked you not to call it that.
- Sherlock's hatred of startup names.
Bell: He was a driver for one of those ride-sharing companies. Zooss? It's like the Greek god, but with two O's and two S's.
Sherlock: The dot-com mavens will not rest until every word has been mangled. That's "word" with one "O".
- Bell's bewilderment that The Stanley Cup is inside the brownstone. And he and Sherlock are tossing cards into it.
Bell: [as he and Sherlock throw cards into it] I don't know which is weirder, the fact that I'm spending my Friday night with you, or the Stanley freaking Cup.
Joan: Is this the real Stanley Cup?
- Before that, Joan finds it in the bathtub. Sherlock's apparently trying to verify that it's the real thing.
Sherlock: That's precisely what I'm trying to determine.
- Plus Watson being very unimpressed with it being in the tub when she's trying to shower.
[Watson gives a Death Glare] Sherlock: [hurriedly picking it up] It can dry elsewhere.
- Sherlock on his Destructive Romance with Moriarty.
Sherlock: Well, at least I have Watson. You deserve more.
Bell: She's IA...
Sherlock: The love of my life is a homicidal maniac. [Bell looks at him funny] No one's perfect.
1 - The Past is Parent
- Sherlock is studying a crime scene...only for a phone to go off. He starts asking whose phone it is, and one of the blood-spattered victims speaks up. Turns out it's just an re-enactment of the crime scene and the actress forgot to shut her phone off.
- Sherlock spends most of the episode matter-of-factly discussing his plans regarding the prison sentence he expects to receive for his beating of Oscar, including reviewing the prison's addiction program and being pen-pals with Watson.
- Sherlock's response to Joan calling him Clyde's "dinner date":
Sherlock: Close, but wrong cold-blooded reptile. My dinner date is my father. I can understand you confusing him for Clyde. They could be doppelgangers.
- The cold open starts with Sherlock and Joan sitting, facing each other, each with their hands cuffed behind them. Their Deadpan Snarker back and forth is at first peculiar, until it becomes apparent that they are learning how to pick the locks of a newly-released model of handcuffs.
- Sherlock deliberately playing music that annoys Joan. He begins with Rebecca Black's "Friday", and then:
Holmes: Thereís also a song that appeals to me as a detective. Itís a mystery about dogs and who might have let them out.
- The entire sequence of Sherlock playing a video game...badly. Joan's even backseat gaming him until he gives up and gives her the controller.
Joan: [After Sherlock loses the game] May I? [Sherlock wordlessly hands her the joystick]
Sherlock: I'm going to go and ice my thumb.
- Holmes gives Cassie two devices he says are listening bugs. In reality, one is a flash bang and he tells Watson he'll activate it the next day to give an excuse for the cops to show up at the house. He waves her concerns off as it's just "a small bomb." Cut to the next day as the duo walk past a fleet of cop cars and fire trucks about the house.
Watson: I thought you said it was a small bomb.
- Morland walks out of his room and sees Sherlock standing at the top of the stairs waiting for him.
Morland: I could have sworn I had that statue removed.
- After telling Morland to return to London, Sherlock empties a honey bottle (that he had for Morland) into his sink. Pure pettiness that makes for an amusing visual, especially because the bottle only slowly empties (after the entire scene, it's only halfway empty).
- Watson finds Sherlock studying a toy house he's using to plan out infiltrating a drug dealer's base.
Watson: You're finally making up for that childhood you never had...as a three-year old girl.
- Later, Watson returns home to find Sherlock has put all the furniture on the roof to replicate the base with her bed sitting in for the pool table. When she tries to go back inside, she finds he's locked the door as a further testing.
Sherlock: I've noticed there's a significant drop in attendance at the gang's headquarters that coincides with the free lunch buffet on Wednesdays at the local strip club. We could wait for the inevitable outbreak of Hepatitis A but I think the detective might want to act sooner than that.
- Sherlock mentions a past incident where he "took care" of his neighbors, cue Joan returning one night to see police and fire trucks by their house.
Watson: Tell me you didn't set the place on fire!Sherlock: I did not set the place on fire!
- Bonus, Sherlock is just sitting in a chair clearly waiting for Watson and he says his line at the same time as Watson. Heartwarming to show how in sync they are, but still funny to see. (and to just imagine Sherlock going through the mental loops of "I have to wait here to reassure Watson because she will think it was me.")
- After an explanation involving what he really was planning, which included a chainsaw, we had this:
Watson: I am sorry for accusing you of arson.Sherlock: Well, I was the obvious suspect.
- Sherlock, noting that getting a tattoo for love is a bad idea, invites Watson to imagine how foolish he'd look with Moriarty's name tattooed on his stomach. Watson, while acknowledging the point, can't help but correct him: it would be Irene's name.
- Sherlock just removing priceless 1940s comic books from the plastic so he can read them.
- Sherlock meeting the Standard Bearer in his kitchen.
Sherlock: Usually masked people only come to my home to kill me. Or have sex with me. On one notable occasion, both.
- Sherlock does a Sherlock Scan on Standard Bearer, and Standard Bearer asks how he did it.
Sherlock: I was bitten by a radioactive detective.
- Sherlock's reaction to the various Superhero Origins of the "Superlative Heroes" (many of which involve radiation in some way)
Sherlock: In what universe are these people not already dead from cancer?
Sherlock: Unfortunately, the bullets were not radioactive, so he will be remaining quite dead.
- And later, when informing the comic book creators of the Midnight Ranger's death:
- Sherlock scrunching his face, frowning, and deducing that a client has been abusing his son is generally not funny. He does follow up on it:
Sherlock: There are two things you should know: First is that I'm going to punch you in the face [He does exactly that] Second is that we will be taking your case.
3 - Render, and Then Seize Her
- Sherlock and Joan interview a studio editor about a potential lead, who then asks if Sherlock's accent is real and offers to hire him for voice work for one of his clients. Sherlock stares at him with an offended look on his face.
- One of Sherlock's fake dating profiles: Wade Applewhite, a Florida-born systems analyst who moved to New York City with big dreams and enjoys wind surfing. He even sports a fake pair of glasses to stay in character.
- Lucy's idea for how Joan and Sherlock should hook up, and Jonny's reason for why Sherlock does not wear a hat.
- Lucy and Jonny answer some burning questions, such as "Trigonometry" spoken in Jonny's accent, and Lucy balancing the container on her head.
- HOLMES: The Revolutionary New Sleep System
- Holmes and Watson meets Finch and Reese.
- The Elementary writers versus the Sleepy Hollow writers.