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Michael Scarn
Played by: Michael Scott (Steve Carell), Stanley Hudson (Leslie David Baker) (narration voice)
"Looks like there's gonna be a clean up on aisle five!"
The best secret agent in the business who retired after the death of his wife Catherine Zeta-Scarn.
- '90s Anti-Hero: Scarn carries some traits.
- The Ace: The best secret agent in the business.
- Action Hero: Of Threat Level Midnight.
- The Alcoholic: He likes drinking beer with Billy the Bartender.
- Anti-Hero: While Scarn is a heroic secret agent, he is known to kill enemies including a tryout winner.
- Apologetic Attacker: Repeats "I'm sorry" as he strangles the tryout winner.
- Arch-Enemy: Goldenface.
- Author Avatar: Of Michael Scott.
- Badass Normal: Helps that he is considered the best secret agent in the business.
- Berserk Button: He doesn't like it when someone mentions the name of his wife.
- Big Good: He is seen as the most heroic character in Michael Scott's movie.
- Big "NO!": Three times, during one scene.
- He yells one after he learned that Goldenface slowed him down for the tryouts.
- He yells one when he smashes the locker room mirror.
- He yells another after he kills the tryout winner.
- Born Lucky: He was only shot once throughout the entire film.
- Broken Ace: He gets depressed during the middle of the film because of his loss and the President is against him.
- Catchphrase: "Clean up on aisle five!"note
- The Champion: To President Jackson.
- Character Development: He got back from retirement, helped make the team and lost confidence after learning that President Jackson is in league with Goldenface. He Took a Level in Idealism thanks to Billy and saved the game.
- Crusading Widower: Michael Scarn is mainly motivated by his dead wife.
- Curb-Stomp Battle: Against Goldenface at the tryouts, which eventually made him slow down.
- Dance Sensation: "The Scarn".
- Dark and Troubled Past: Scarn suffered a depression and retired after his wife died.
- Dark Is Not Evil: He wears a tuxedo and black clothing and is seen as the hero of the film.
- Deadpan Snarker: Scarn is known for his dry sense of humor.
- Drowning My Sorrows: At his bed in the opening, he is seen with bottles of whiskey.
- Encyclopaedic Knowledge: Scarn knows exactly what The Funky Cat is, to Samuel's chagrin.
- Expy: Of James Bond.
- Good Is Not Soft: He was shown to kill an assassin with his two pistols, and murders the speed-skating champion in order to make it to the All-Star game.
- Groin Attack: The bullet he took from Goldenface hit his brain, lungs, heart, back and balls.
- Guns Akimbo: He is seen using two pistols.
- He's Back!: Scarn became this after he was encouraged by President Jackson to save the game.
- History with Celebrity: Scarn once took a 20K with Robin Williams, which happened to be the same day Goldenface killed his wife.
- Hope Bringer: Scarn has been heralded by many, including the President.
- Implausible Deniability: Claims "it wasn't like that at all!" when confronted with the evidence of him murdering the tryout winner, despite it having been exactly like that.
- It's Personal: He is after Goldenface to avenge his wife's death after he got back into business.
- I Work Alone: He usually does his missions without Samuel helping him.
- Karma Houdini: Aside from being briefly blackmailed by the bad guys with the footage of him committing the crime, Scarn faces no consequences for murdering the tryout winner. Even the president (who confronted him with the footage) seems to have let it slide by the end following his offscreen Heel–Face Turn.
- Living Legend: He became one after he stopped Goldenface at the NFL, MLB and NBA All-Star games.
- Manly Tears: He gets this after he learned that Cherokee Jack died.
- My God, What Have I Done?: He regrets killing the tryout winner.
- Narrator All Along: Michael Scarn revealed himself as the narrator of the film.
- Nice Job Breaking It, Hero: While he did kill the tryout winner, he was being watched by the President.
- No Celebrities Were Harmed: His wife happens to be Catherine Zeta-Jones... er, Zeta-Scarn.
- Older Hero vs. Younger Villain: A formerly retired secret agent is enemies with a young golden gangster.
- Precision F-Strike: Hilariously subverted at the end. "I'm getting too old for this BEEP." He did the beep himself.
- Pre-Mortem One-Liner: Scarn attempts this with him telling Goldenface "go puck yourself" by throwing the bomb puck at him... only for him to miss and Goldenface tries to shoot him.
- Rage Against the Mentor: Scarn was bothered by Cherokee Jack to "mop the ice" at first.
- Retired Badass: He loves being retired.
- The Smart Guy: He knows a lot about what is going on.
- Starting a New Life: Scarn wanted it this way with his wife and a family. It became averted now that his wife was killed.
- Subliminal Seduction: Michael Scarn learns where the hostages are located via Jasmine Windsong (played by Jan) doing this.
- Took a Level in Idealism: Thanks to Billy the Bartender and doing "The Scarn".
- Trademark Favorite Food: Fish sandwiches.
- Verbal Tic: His narrating voice has him say "well" a lot.
- Vocal Dissonance: Michael Scarn's narrating voice is so deep.
- Weak, but Skilled: Scarn only uses his guns as his defense.
Samuel L. Chang
Played by: Dwight Shrute (Rainn Wilson)
"Master Scarn. Master Scarn."
Michael Scarn's personal robotic butler. Was not actually supposed to be a robot until Dwight decided he wanted him to be.
- Artificial Human: He is indistinguishable from other humans. Appropriate, considering he wasn't supposed to be a robot until Dwight decided he was.
- Battle Butler
- Benevolent A.I.: Samuel is always up for helping Scarn.
- Big "NO!": He yells it as he takes a bullet from Goldenface.
- Oh, Crap!: His reaction when coffee spilled on him, making his circuit board malfunction.
- Robot Maid: Samuel is revealed to be one at the end, although Michael Scott was insistent he wasn't one until giving into Dwight's demands.
- Robotic Reveal: Samuel, via Dwight eventually getting his wish for him to be a robot.
- Throw It In!: In-Universe. At one point, Samuel takes a bullet for Michael Scarn. Michael says that this was not scripted. Neither was Samuel being a robot, for that matter, until Michael finally gives in at the end.
Goldenface
Played by: Jim Halpert (John Krasinski)
"I don't care about families. I care about business. And this is gonna show them that I mean business."
The killer of Catherine Zeta-Scarn and Michael Scarn's Arch-Enemy.
- Arch-Enemy: Of Michael Scarn.
- The Atoner: Subverted. He asks for Michael Scarn's forgiveness for killing his wife as his one condition for stopping his plan and releasing the hostages - but not only does he do nothing to warrant forgiveness, he also openly mocks Scarn with comments about his wife and plots to hump her corpse.
- Asshole Victim: Goldenface demonstrates his ruthlessness by killing one of the hostages... only for Michael Scarn to reveal he was a wanted animal rapist. That dead hostage was played by Toby, naturally.
- Big Bad: Of the Threat Level Midnight film.
- Color Motif: Gold for Goldenface.
- Dark Is Evil: He wears black clothing.
- Drugs Are Bad: Leaves his hostages while loudly announcing that he's going to go do some drugs. He comes back saying "Man, those drugs really hit the spot."
- Expy: Of Goldfinger.
- Faux Affably Evil: While he offered Scarn to forgive him, that doesn't mean he's legitimately seeking redemption.
- Freudian Excuse: Goldenface reveals that he used to work at a gold factory that didn't allow its employees to even eat, so he ate the gold until his face turned gold, somehow. Now he targets sporting events in the hopes that blowing up the trophies will make everyone's face golden.
- The Heavy: His killing of Catherine Zeta-Scarn set forth the plot.
- Hoist by His Own Petard: The bomb inside the puck that he made landed on him and killed him.
- I Love the Dead: Goldenface wanted to dig up Scarn's dead wife and hump her "real good" once he kills Scarn and the hostages.
- Large Ham: Jim was not taking this film seriously at all.
- Light Is Not Good: He is evil and has a golden face.
- Mutagenic Food: Since he didn't have any lunch breaks at his gold factory, he ate the gold, which made him have a golden face.
- Oh, Crap!: His reaction to the puck landing on him.
- Older Hero vs. Younger Villain: He is the younger villain to Scarn's older hero.
- Profane Last Words: Averted. He nearly said "shit" before the puck blew up.
- Red Oni, Blue Oni: The red to President Jackson's blue.
- Shadow Archetype: To Michael Scarn. Unlike Scarn, he only cared about business.
- Sympathy for the Hero: Goldenface wanted Scarn to forgive him for murdering Catherine Zeta-Scarn. He does absolutely nothing to warrant this, nor does he show any remorse for it.
- What Happened to the Mouse?: It is unknown what became of the henchman who accompanied him during the shootout in the White House.
Billy the Bartender
Played by: Andy Bernard (Ed Helms)
A good friend of Michael Scarn who wants to cheer him up when the agent feels down.
- Alliterative Name: He is named Billy and he is a bartender.
- The Bartender: He is a bartender.
- Friend to All Children: He is kind to a boy who appears in the bar.
- Hollywood New England: He speaks with a Bostonian accent.
- The Idealist: He offers Scarn to look at the bright side.
- Nice Guy: He's willing to help Scarn.
Cherokee Jack
Played by: Creed Bratton (Creed Bratton)
"I want you to take all your frustrations, with women, the system, with everything. Take it out on the puck. ALL on the puck."
A famed hockey trainer who assisted Scarn to get into the All-Star tryouts.
- Catchphrase: "Mop the ice!"
- Killed Offscreen: Without even an explanation as to how he died.
- Living Legend: He is a famed hockey trainer.
- Magical Native American: Cherokee Jack is a Native American hockey mystic, as played by a white man.
- Mentor Archetype: Cherokee Jack is an obvious example.
- Mentor Occupational Hazard: Cherokee Jack died (somehow) before Scarn went to the big game.
- Our Ghosts Are Different: Cherokee Jack's ghost appears in front of Scarn to take it out on the puck.
- We Hardly Knew Ye: We don't see Cherokee Jack's death even after his first brief appearance.
Jasmine Windsong
Played by: Jan Levinson (Melora Hardin)
A known singer for the Funky Cat and an ally for Goldenface.
- Non-Action Girl: She isn't involved with gunfights.
- Poisoned Weapons: How she died.
- Sdrawkcab Speech: She sang "The hostages are under the stadium" for her last performance. Scarn recorded it and played it in forwards.
President Jackson
Played by: Darryl Philbin (Craig Robinson)
"I need you for another mission."
The President of the United States who helped Scarn do his missions.
- Affably Evil: Unlike Goldenface, he is actually polite to Scarn.
- Anti-Villain: Even Michael Scott forgot about this trait.
- Da Chief: He is Scarn's boss.
- Expy: Of M.
- Fridge Logic: An In-Universe example. While he is allies with Goldenface, Scarn accepted his request for another mission.
- Heel–Face Revolving Door: For some odd reason, President Jackson is good, then evil, then good again.
- Hero Antagonist: While he offered Scarn to stop Goldenface, he accused Scarn of killing a tryout champion... which Scarn actually did.
- Ironic Name: He is named after President Andrew Jackson, who was a racist.
- Karma Houdini: Is never removed from office or brought to justice after allying with Goldenface.
- Our Presidents Are Different: Since the film was shot before Barack Obama became President, this is an example.
- President Evil: He is in league with Goldenface. Until he suddenly isn't.
- Red Oni, Blue Oni: The blue to Goldenface's red.
- Title Drop: "I can't sugar coat this. We are at Threat Level.... MIDNIGHT."
