Corrupt-a-wish.

Granted. Surviving Mars, on the other hand... HA HA HA—No

I wish the National League would adopt the designated hitter rule for every game, and not just the ones they play against the American League.

Granted. Turns out, it actually means “you are designated to hit people with the bat as much as you can”.

I wish that every last anti-vaxxer on earth disappeared, and their kids were all miraculously vaccinated.

Granted. Unfortunately, there's only enough medicine to use on this generation, so none of their kids can get vaccinated. And the debate rages on...

I wish that for once, a villain on Scooby-Doo actually got away with it because of those meddling kids.

Granted, everyone complains that They Changed It, Now It Sucks!.

I wish I could draw.

Granted, but you lose the ability to write.

I wish I can eat pizzas without gaining weight.

Granted, you now get thinner with every pizza, and you eventually die of malnutrition.

I wish they weren't actually planning a Banana Splits horror movie.

Granted, it's now an action movie directed by Uwe Boll...

I wish cats could talk...

Granted, they do nothing but swear.

I wish for multiple genies.

Granted. None of them have to fulfill your wish

I wish I had the infinity-gauntlet

Granted. You'll have to fight Thanos for the stones if you want the Gauntlet to work properly. Or, Trope Pantheon forbid... Ultron-Omega...

I wish infomercial products sold for something other than $19.99.

Granted, they sell for $19.98 instead.

I wish for a beer.

Granted: it's flat and stale.

I wish for our respective dads to have a Happy Fathers' Day.

Granted: what gives them happiness is our suffering, so they decide to murder us by force-feeding us shit and then shooting us in the head.

I wish I had self-control.

Granted, a remote appears in your hand, you have self control as long as you're holding that remote, if anyone else has the remote, they can control you.

I wish I was a baller, shot caller, with twenty-inch blades on my Impala....

Granted. I also summoned a rabbit in a hat with a bat, who smashes your '64 Impala to pieces. Better keep those Swishas rolled tight...you're gonna need 'em! (Yeah, I know I'm mixing up the two songs; that's part of the joke.)

I wish I had enough money to bribe my way to victory in every endeavor.

Granted, but one of the people you attempt to bribe gets viloently offended and kills you.

I wish to know what will happen in the next century.

Granted, you know literally everything that will happen from now to December 31 2099, everything in the universe. The sheer amount of information gives you a fatal seizure and your brain melts through your ears

I wish to have all the powers of a genie with none of their drawbacks

Granted. Unfortunately, you are Blessed with Suck as the transformation is permanent and you're a Jackass Genie due to the wish.

I wish to Screw Myself.

Granted. It wasn't consensual and you end up traumatized because of it

I wish all the world's nuclear waste was teleported into the earth's core

Granted. This causes the core to be unstable, resulting in massive earthquakes, which causes hundreds of volcanoes to form and erupt, spewing out all the nuclear waste. Everything dies in three months because of your wish.

I wish I could know for certain that reincarnation is real.

Edited by atimnie on Jun 17th 2019 at 7:55:50 AM

Granted, you die and come back as a mouse. A "pinky" to be exact, a young hairless mouse that's being fed to a snake.

I wish I was in a cyberpunk world...

Granted, you are forcibly augmented.

I wish I had a blender.

Granted. However, nothing you put in the blender blends even when you set it to "liquefy".

I wish all Kickstarter projects fulfilled their stretch goal promises and didn't keep their backers waiting for months for their rewards.

Granted. All of them suck, tho.

I wish that I could be on fire.

Granted. You burn to death.

I wish I was a part of the main cast of both eras featured in Xenoblade Chronicles 2 and the Golden Country DLC, without being a Sacrificial Lion, Sacrificial Lamb, or The Scrappy, all the while avoiding the Tingle syndrome.

Try beating that, eh?