The Neverending Instruction Manual

How to stretch: Take a deep breath, then move your limbs and body in such ways that the muscles are pulled. For example, you can stretch your arms upwards as high as you can, or you can lift up your leg with the other on the floor. Be warned; unless you're a trained contortionist or made of rubber, don't try to stretch too hard or your muscles will get strained.

How To Take a Deep Breath: Inhale oxygen into your lungs until they are full, then exhale the oxygen until your lungs are empty. Repeat as necessary.

How to empty: Take something you want to empty, preferably a container such as a box, a mug or your mind. Then, remove any and all contents from the container. Make sure the container doesn't contain a single thing. Congratulations, you've created a vacuum!

How To Vaccum

Get a vacuum cleaner. Suck up dust. Congrats. Your house is now clean. Now get a job, hippy.

How to Get a Vacuum Cleaner

First you need to get some cash. After that you need to find out where they sell a vacuum cleaner. Maybe look it up on the computer or go driving around the city hoping you can find a store that sells one. Then you go there and find a vacuum cleaner. You grab it and take it to the cashier. Give the money they need. And there you go. Vacuum cleaner.

edited 31st Aug '17 7:59:39 PM by CrystalMemoria

How to Drive Around the City

First of all, you need a driver's license. Got one? Good, because you need to apply what you've learned in your driving lessons in real life. Next, know the city that you're gonna drive around. It helps a lot if you live in said city. Take note of any places of interest, and plan a trip to them. You may choose to invite your family and friends over, and maybe play a driving song while you're at it. But remember, always follow the rules of the road. You don't wanna get into an accident, do you?

How To Read The Rules Of The Road

Read the rules of the road right side up, make sure to have many movies and TV shows with you when you read it, because the rulebook is 1000202 pages counting all the wrote in rules make sure not to miss paragraph 678 section 5 that's very important!

How to Not Miss a Paragraph: Highlight it with a color that contrasts the most with the colors in the book. Put a bookmark on that page. Write the instructions for easily finding the page and the paragraph in the cover page of the book. Relay those instructions to your trusted friend. Make a video recording of you relaying those instructions. Write a book detailing your experiences of these and tell the readers to not miss important paragraphs.

How to Highlight Text

Get a highlighter, preferably with the most eye-bleeding neon color, and spread its ink on the most important parts of the text, and by most important, I mean all of it.

How To Choose ALL OF IT.

1: See a text.

2: Find everything.

3: Follow last How To.

How to see a text:

1. Move your eyes so the text is in view
2. Focus them on the text.

Congratulations! Instructions on how to read the text not included.

How to move your eyes

First, you..... no, not like this! NOT LIKE THIS! STOP YANKING ON YOUR EYEBALLS! Great going. Now you can't read this manual because you're blind. Way to go, halfwit! BLAAAARGH! Sorry, I do that sometimes.

How to go blind:

• So, you've decided you want to be blind. First of all, are you absolutely sure about this? Being blind won't give you superpowers, despite what Daredevil or Kenshi may have lead you to believe. They got their superpowers through means unrelated to their blindness, like rolling around in dangerous chemicals. To see how to roll around in dangerous chemicals, check page 313.
• Having made sure that yes, you want to be blind for some ungodly reason, there are multiple ways to accomplish this. The human eye is an extremely fragile organ, after all, and can be destroyed or otherwise rendered useless by just about anything.
• While all means of rendering oneself blind are painful, some are more painful than others. Arguably the least painful method is to look directly at the sun for an extended period of time. Alternatively, you could look directly at a similarly bright light source, such as the floodlights mounted atop Jeremy Clarkson's Ford F150 Raptor.
• If these methods are not impressive enough for you, or you're just a masochist, then check this page for a myriad of alternatives.
• After your eyes have been rendered useless, then congratulations, you're now blind! And since you can't see this anymore for obvious reasons, I will go right ahead and call you a massive idiot! Honestly, why the hell would you want to blind yourself...

edited 7th Oct '17 2:41:39 PM by PresidentStalkeyes

How to Look Directly at the Sun for an Extended Period of Time

1. Check if you are inside or outside. If you are inside, walk outside and move onto Step 2. If you are outside, go straight to the next step.
2. Tilt your head upwards and turn towards the sun.
3. Stare.

How to stare

1. Use your eyes.

2. If you don't have eyes, make contact with a Great One and ask them to grant you eyes.

How to Make Contact: Physically, turn your face towards the one you are trying to make contact with and touch the one. If not physically, you may choose to write a letter, make a phone call, write an e-mail, send a text message, or communicate through social media with big shiny letters in the message. You may still turn your face towards the one you want to make contact with in this case. Asking for or researching the one's location and using geographic information systems may be required to turn towards the correct position.

edited 26th Nov '17 7:22:12 PM by Trivialis

How To Make A Phone Call

Of course, the first step is to have a phone, but after that, simply slam your entire palm on the number buttons. Eventually, this will lead to a phone call, which you may then talk into.

How to slam your entire palm on the number buttons

1. Find a phone.
2. Flatten your hand.
3. Move your hand towards the phone's number buttons very quickly.
4. But not too quickly or you'll break either the phone or your hand.

How to Break Your Phone: First of all, ask yourself: why would you want to break your phone?! Is it a Nokia 3310, and you want to test it if it's really that indestructible? Sure, go ahead, but you might end up breaking the floor/ground instead. If it's not, then unless you're working at quality control, just don't. You don't wanna spend a "little" more money buying a new one, do you?

How to Ask Yourself Something:

1. Formulate question.
2. Direct question to yourself.
3. Ask it.

Beyond this, you're on your own. Do note that some questions are unanswerable, uncomfortable, or nonsensical. Ask those at (literally) your own risk.

How To Be On Your Own

• 1. Move out of whatever co-residence you live in.
• 2. Buy your own house.
• 3. Pay your own bills.
• 4. Buy your own food.
• 5. Do you, as you have nobody to tell you what to do, beyond the police, your boss (if you have one), and this manual, of course.

How to buy your own food.

First somehow acquire sufficient money or goods to barter with. Next head to the nearest temple of Picknios God of Food and either exchange the money for food of equal value or barter the goods you brought along with you.

How To Make Chocolate Chip Cookies:

• 1. Go to the grocery store.and buy ingredients.

• 2. Go home and follow a recipe you find online to make the cookies.

• 3. Give up halfway through after realizing baking is very hard.

• 4. Go back to the store and purchase some pre-made cookies from there.

• 5. Enjoy your cookies.

How to Go Home:

• 1. Be outside.

• 2. Remember where your home is. If you do not have a home, choose a house that you are aware of that you would like to live in.

• 3. Begin walking in the direction of your home, remembering to avoid obstacles such as people, walls, or aircraft carriers.

• 4. Remember to open your door.

• 5. Be inside your home.

edited 30th Apr '18 6:14:17 AM by Murataku

How to be outside:

1. Be born.
   • If you were born in a hospital or other building, just yell and scream until your parents take you outside, I guess.

   • If you were born outside, congratulations, you're already there.

2. Once you're outside, make sure you stay out there until you're 80 years old. Then you can retire from Being Outside.