Scott's various jabs at Neal, pulled off with the masterful dry sarcasm only Tim Allen can provide.
Charlie: Neal doesn't believe in Santa.
Scott: Well, Neal's head comes to a point.
And...
Laura: All Neal told him was that Santa was more of a feeling, more of a state of mind than an actual person.
Scott: Kind of like Neal.
Not to mention...
Scott: Where is he?
Laura: Well, he could be listening to records jumping up and down on his bed wearing a red hat and galloshes.
Scott: I don't care what Neal's doing. Where's Charlie?
When Scott and Charlie are searching for a place to eat after the turkey burning incident...
Charlie: You know, Neal's a really good cook.
Scott: Yeah, and you should see him walk on water!
Charlie: You don't like him very much, do you, Dad?
Scott: Charlie, yeah, I was joking, okay, I'm sorry. Just kidding around, I like him a - yeah, sure, I like Neal. You know, there - there's just something about him that makes me wanna...
Charlie: Lash out irrationally?
Scott: Now where did you hear that?
Charlie: From Neal. I learn a lot from him, he listens to me.
Scott: Yeah. And then he charges you for it.
Despite the Executive Meddling that caused it to be removed, this exchange between Scott and Laura...
Scott trying to cook turkey for dinner, only for it to erupt into flame. His dance as he tries to snuff it out with the fire extinguisher is quite amusing.
Also amusing is the juxtaposition of the camera making a gentle pan across a positively glorious Christmas dinner... Only to reveal it's the TV displaying a cooking channel, followed by a pan over the actual "meal" which is all manner of charred/curdled/spilled mess that looks nothing like the one on TV.
This line.
Scott:That is exactly why you want a high quality fire extinguisher....Right in the kitchen.
Charlie: Those flames were really big, Dad.
Scott: Yeah turkey's funny that way. (Turkey catches fire yet again)
This leads to them eating at Denny's instead. Scott makes minimal effort to excite Charlie to the prospect of going there.
Scott: Here we are, Denny's. It's always open! Charlie: I don't wanna eat here. Scott: What are you talking about? Everybody likes Denny's! It's an American institution! (Gilligan Cut to the inside of Denny's, where a large Japanese congregation is having a raucous party) Waitress: Are you with Hatsutashi? Scott: No. Charlie: Dad burned the turkey. Waitress:(rolls eyes) Oh, yeah. This way.
Scott isn't the only father who tried and failed to make a family Christmas dinner. A whole section of the restaurant is devoted to dads who make terrible cooks with one waving a bandaged hand at Scott.
Scott putting Charlie to bed:
Charlie: Maybe you better leave some milk and cookies out, just in case. Okay?
Just all the trouble Scott goes through during his first time filling in for Santa but before officially becoming the new one. At the first house they visit, Scott doesn't seem thrilled when Charlie tells him what to do:
Scott: Down the chimney? You want me to take the toys down the chimney into a strange house, in my UNDERWEAR!?
Followed by this when the bag takes Scott towards the chimney.
Charlie: Whoa, Dad! You're flying!
Scott: It's okay, I'm used to it. I lived through the '60s!
Scott gets attacked by a guard dog which in turn wakes up the house's occupants, who proceeds to go for their gun.
Scott being a total grouch to a little girl who wakes up as he leaves her presents — she asks the obvious questions and he delivers increasingly snarky responses.
Girl: Santa? Scott: Scott Calvin. Girl: How come your clothes are so baggy? Scott: Because Santa is watching his saturated fats. Girl: How come you don't have a beard? Scott: Because I shaved! Do you want this doll or not? Go back to sleep! [Scott grabs a cookie from the plate left out] Girl: You're supposed to drink the milk. Scott: Look, I am lactose intolerant! And I'm just about this close to taking all those presents back up the chimney. [turns and mutters under his breath mockingly]Supposed to drink the milk!
Later turns into a Heartwarming Moment when the girl remembers to leave him soy milk the next year, and with Scott now accepting that he is Santa (now looking the part, too).
"Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night! When I wake-up, I'm getting a CAT scan!"
After they've finished delivering presents, Scott tells Santa's reindeer to take him and Charlie home. But instead of taking them back to the Calvin residence, they deposit the father and son duo in a seemingly barren wasteland in the North Pole.
Charlie: (anxiously) Is this okay, dad? Scott: (outraged) No, it's not okay!
Bernard, despite his grumpy exterior is a pretty funny guy/elf.
Bernard:(notices Neal's hideous sweater) Nice sweater! Hey, did we make this? (starts tugging on the back of the sweater, checking the tag, while Neal looks quite bewildered)
Bernard in general:
Bernard: Excuse me, are we on a coffee break?
Elf: We don't drink coffee.
Bernard: Then I guess the break is OVER! Back to work! Thanks!
Even after he shows Scott the full clause as written on the index card, Scott doesn't get the situation:
Scott: What does that mean? Bernard: It means you put on the suit, you're the big guy! Scott: That's ridiculous, I didn't put on a suit to- Bernard:Try to understand this! The elves:Ooooooohhhh....
Again.
Bernard: I'll ship the List to your house.
Scott: What list?
Bernard: (quietly) C'mon, you know, the List; he's making a list...
Charlie: (loudly chiming in) Checking it twice!
Every single elf in earshot: Gonna find out who's naughty or nice!
Scott always getting Bernard's name wrong. One of the names he calls him is "Barabbas".
The puppets who are entertaining themselves as Scott and Charlie get ready to go to bed. The moment he drops his pants to reveal his boxer shorts, they flip out and scream. He immediately pulls them back up.
Scott's interactions with Judy the elf.
After she delivers his hot cacao, a recipe she perfected for 1200 years, he provides this quip.
Scott: You know, you look pretty good for your age.
Judy: Thanks, but I'm seeing someone in wrapping.
The whole business with Scott's monogrammed pajamas, which he received from an elf named Judy and thus has no rational explanation for owning. His pointing out that Judy was also the name of a waitress he had met earlier just makes him look even crazier. As Laura drives off, he yells that it was all a dream, and that he doesn't even wear pajamas: "I like to sleep naked! BUCK! NAKED! Ha!". He then realizes that he was yelling this in front of his neighbor and her young daughter, and sheepishly wishes them a Merry Christmas as they hurry off in disgust.
When he's being grilled over his and Charlie's Christmas Eve, Scott lays on the sarcasm as only Tim Allen can.
Neal: Scott, what was the last thing you and Charlie did before you went to bed Christmas Eve?
Scott: We shared a bowl of sugar, did some shots of brown liquor, played with my shotguns, field-dressed a cat, looked for women...
Scott getting in a zinger on Neal's awful-looking sweaters.
The only thing you need to worry about is where you're going to buy your sweaters after the CIRCUS pulls out of town!
Scott wakes up one morning to find himself fat and bearded, despite his best attempts at Implausible Deniability:
Scott: Aaah! ...Something's wrong with the mirror. Ha ha ha! [steps on a digital scale, which comes up with a huge number... then keeps counting up] Something's wrong with the scale!... AAAAAAAAGGGGHHHHHHH!
The entire scene in the conference room, where Scott's associates cannot take their eyes off of how pudgy he has become. Or by his voracious sweet tooth when they all order lunch, with him ordering a creme brulee, cheesecake, cookies, and ice cream with fudge as a side dish.
Also, Scott scooping up every drop of fudge in his sundae glass to the tune of Jeopardy! in the background.
Mr. Whittle: [Scott scoops up all the fudge he can they all look on] Finished? [Last two beats as Scott takes his last scoop]
"Well isn't that a pretty picture: Santa rolling down the block in a Panzer! 'Well kids, I certainly hope you've been good this year, 'cause it looks like Santa just took out the Pearson home! INCOMING!!!"
The scene when Scott goes to see his doctor.
Doctor: What can I say, Scott, you're as healthy as a horse. Scott: [scoffs, and slaps his pot belly] Yeah, a Clydesdale.
Scott's heart beating to the tune of Jingle Bells.
And of course, the infamous line "A little weight? Does this look like a little weight to you?!"
When Scott first receives Santa's list, he is puzzled at one of the names on it: "Armand... Assante??" (Who was 45 years old at the time of the movie's release and apparently still receiving gifts from Santa)
After his transformation has started to fully happen, Scott walks down the street audibly confirming which kids are naughty and which ones are nice. Then he walks past an attractive woman and says "Verrry nice!" She replies with "in your dreams, sleigh boy!"
Also, during the soccer game, the little girl who can tell Scott's Santa. In particular, she keeps staring at him and moving closer as he tries to ignore her. Then, she stands up, taps him on the shoulder and when he responds with an exasperated "What!?", she sits on his lap and says "I want some ballet slippers!" Then, Laura arrives and sees a whole bunch of kids lining up to sit on Scott's lap.
The Police Lineup. The police, knowing Scott will be dressed as Santa, round up seven different Santas and line them up. #3 is Black (and makes for a particularly unconvincing Santa, as he uses his real beard, which is gray and not very long) and #5 is a dwarf, making it unclear why they were brought in.
Officer: Turn to your right. (nobody moves) Hello?...
.Interrogator: (Getting angry) Name?