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  • When Mills and Somerset meet for the first time, and Somerset asks Mills why he transferred to his precinct.
    Mills: Same reason as you...same reason, at least, before you decided to quit, yeah?
    Somerset: [Incredulous] ...you just met me!
  • Somerset calling Mills's bluff in the Captain's office.
    Somerset: [Regarding Mills's ability to handle the Gluttony murder] It's too soon for him.
    Mills: You know, I'm right here; you can say that shit to my face. Captain-
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  • The captain answering a phone: "This is not even my desk!"
  • Mills mispronouncing the Marquis de Sade, "the Marquis de Sha-Day". For the unaware, "Sade" is also the name of a female singer whose name is pronounced "Sha-Day". What makes this even better is that it was ad-libbed.
  • As Mills and Somerset are reviewing the FBI-compiled book list:
    Mills: Of Human Bondage...bondage?
    Somerset: Not what you're thinking.
  • Somerset and Mills escorting John Doe to the outskirts of the city. Getting out of the car, Somerset spots an object on the road, and Mills asks what he's found. Somerset replies "A dead dog". Cue in Doe's deadpan voice: "I didn't do that."
  • After the coroner has examined the Gluttony victim and determined that the bruise on his temple most likely came from a gun pressed hard against it, Mills says in his best Dragnet-esque voice: "Ladies and gentleman, we have ourselves a homicide." Somerset turns and looks at him in sheer bemusement.
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  • After trying, and failing, to understand the books Somerset asked him to read, Mills has a police officer buy and deliver cliffs notes of the books to him.
  • As they are investigating the Greed murder, Mills asks Somerset if he'd like a drink, to which Somerset requests a glass of wine. Instead of a wine glass, Mills gets him a tumbler filled with wine.
    • Even better is that Somerset doesn't notice this at first. Watch his face when the train passes over a few minutes later; he picks up the glass to prevent it spilling, then suddenly realizes what he's holding.
  • When Mills and Somerset are woken up, Mills is curled up on the bench, his head nearly in Somerset's lap. His embarrassment is priceless.
    • And the captain, played by R. Lee Ermey, responds with a nonchalant "Wake up, Glimmer Twins." *clap clap*
  • Somerset's laughing face.
    Somerset: A soothing, relaxing, vibrating home.
  • On the commentary, Pitt remarks that there was originally a scene where Mills and Somerset discussed "thumb recall"; cut off the thumb of anyone convicted of a violent crime, and there's no way they'd be able to fire a gun. The scene was ultimately cut from the film, because they were afraid someone would "roll with it."
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  • In spite of the creepiness, there is something rather darkly comedic about the extract from John Doe's journal Somerset reads aloud:
    On the subway today a man came up to me to start a conversation. He made small talk, this lonely man talking about the weather and other things. I tried to be pleasant and accommodating, but my head began to hurt from his banality. I almost didn't notice it had happened but I suddenly threw up all over him. (beat). He was not pleased, and I couldn't stop laughing.
  • When Mills and Somerset are knocking on John Doe's apartment, Mills petulantly grumbles that the whole situation is "retarded" and that he feels like one of "Charlie's fuckin' Angels".
  • "M-I-L-L-S, fuck off!"
  • Somerset and Mills are shaving their chests so they can tape recording devices to themselves. While doing so, Mills wonders if he'd get workman's comp if he accidentally sliced off a nipple. Somerset dares him to make the claim.
  • Mills's perpetually short temper can be rather funny, even in some of the most disturbing scenes of the movie.
  • In what's an otherwise terrifying scene where John Doe turns himself in, once he's down on the ground, he says in his default deadpan voice, "I'd like to speak to my lawyer, please."
  • Mills's You're Insane! speech to Doe.
    Mills: I've been trying to figure something in my head, and maybe you can help me out, yeah? When a person is insane, as you clearly are, do you know that you're insane? Maybe you're just sitting around, reading "Guns and Ammo", masturbating in your own feces, do you just stop and go, "Wow! It is amazing how fucking crazy I really am!"? Yeah. Do you guys do that?

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