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Funny / Miracle on 34th Street

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  • Susan and Fred debating the existence of giants while watching a balloon of a giant baseball player float by during the parade.
    Susan: Sometimes people grow very large, but that's abnormal.
  • When Susan asks Doris what happened to the man previously hired to play Santa in the parade, Doris asks her if she remembers the drunken janitor from a New Year's Eve party. Susan says she does, so Doris tells her she found the parade performer in an even worse condition.
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  • When Doris is trying to convince Susan there is no Santa Claus.
    Susan: But when he spoke Dutch to that girl...
    Doris: Susan, I speak French, but that doesn't make me Joan of Arc!
  • Little Susan pretending to be a monkey!
  • He may technically be one of the "bad guys" but it's hard not to feel sorry for the district attorney, especially when he starts talking like this.
    Mrs. Mara: Sometimes I wish I married a butcher or a plumber.
    District Attorney: My dear, if I lose this hearing, you may very well get your wish.
  • Kris attempting to blow a gum bubble. It's classic that we don't see this attempt, only Susan's reactions to it, and the cut to his efforts to remove the gum from his beard.
  • Everything involving the judge and his campaign manager.
    • Particularly the exchange in which the campaign manager explains to the Judge what will happen if he rules that there is no Santa Claus. He describes all the businesses and organizations that rely on Santa's image, and how all of them will vote against the Judge in the next election. He ends by telling the Judge that if he rules there is no Santa Claus, then he will only get two votes: his own, and the District Attorney's note .
    Judge: (sadly shaking his head) The District Attorney's a Republican.
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  • Julian's plot to get his wife drunk so she'd accept Kris as a house guest and telling Doris that he'll call when his wife's "plaster - er, feeling better."
  • This one's a small moment that might pass by some people, but...
    Shellhammer: Maybe he's only a little crazy. Like painters, or composers, or some of those men in Washington!
  • When Fred Gailey calls the DA's 8-year-old son to the stand;
    District Attorney: Objection!
    Judge (in a sing-song tone): O-VER-ruled.
  • Doris and Shellhammer's massive Oh, Crap! moment after Mr. Macy congratulated them on hiring Kris:
    Doris: I fired him.
    Shellhammer: Who?
    Doris: Santa Claus.
    Shellhammer: WHAT?!
    • When Doris tries to explain herself, stating that Kris is crazy and thinks he is Santa Claus, Shellhammer retorts, "I don't care if he thinks he's the Easter Bunny!"
  • Kris's psychological evaluation with Dr. Sawyer. He notes Sawyer's multitude of nervous habits, and flips the script by asking him about his psychological well-being and home life.
    • When Sawyer accidentally repeats a question, Kris gently brings it to his attention, noting, "The answer's at the bottom [of the page]."
    • When Sawyer asks Kris how many fingers he's holding up, Kris reaches across the desk and begins examining his hands.
      Kris: Oh, you bite your nails, too! (clucks tongue)
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    • Needless to say, Sawyer isn't happy about this and quickly ends the exam. As Kris leaves, Sawyer pointedly informs him that he's been happily married for many years. As soon as the door closes behind Kris, however, Sawyer picks up the phone to call Doris to his office — and ends up in a phone call with his wife:
      Sawyer: (Irritable) Agnes, how many times have I told you not to bother me at the office? (Pause.) No! Not a penny! I give you a liberal allowance and I expect you to run the house on it! If that fat stupid brother of yours would get a job, you wouldn't have to keep pestering me all the time! (Slams down phone.)
  • Doris has asked for Kris' employment card to learn his real name. Too bad the card says "Kris Kringle," but that's not all. He gives his date of birth as "As old as my tongue and a little bit older than my teeth" and lists the eight reindeer as his next of kin. Doris looks up in shock, then she tries to get Susan away from this nutjob, using a gentle voice as she tries to not trigger whatever psychotic behavior Kris may be susceptible to.
  • In the 1973 remake, when the judge decides to speak with Dr. Sawyer in chambers the doctor goes on a bit of a rant about Kris' behaviour in his interview, showing himself to be mean-spirited, vindictive, petty, arrogant, and extraordinarily self-righteous. He concludes with "And he hit me with his cane!" The judge gives him a very level look. "I begin to see why."
  • In the 1994 version, Bryan Bedford calls the District Attorney's wife to the stand. After her interrogation:
    Judge: Mr. Collins, would you like to cross-examine... [mischievous smile] ...your wife?


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