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Funny / Longmire

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Almost a Running Gag with Walt's laconic descriptions of his various injuries:

  • "What happened to your hand?" "Hurt it."
  • "What happened to your nose?" "Started bleeding."
  • Lampshaded in later seasons:
    Vic: What happened to you?
    Walt: Got sh-
    Vic: (interrupting) And if you say you got shot, so help me, I'll punch you.


  • Walt and Vic are grilling ranch hands for information on a missing Cheyenne girl:
    Walt: (in his usual dangerous tone) Who were you there with?
    Kid: Nobody. I mean, I went out there alone.
    Vic: Just you and a herd of soft, compliant sheep?
"Sound and Fury"
  • When a criminal has Henry as a hostage, he asks Longmire what he is worth to him. Longmire states that he has known him since he was a boy only to state he has $20 on him. Henry can't seem to help but give Longmire a "you can't be serious" look.
    • And then later after disarming the guy, Henry compliments him on his shot. Longmire just comments he couldn't let the guy take his truck.
  • In regards to the bit above, Walt specifically says "I got $20 in my pocket." A certain song comes to mind.
  • Then there is the time Henry's girlfriend calls him up to flirt with him... while the lines are being listened to by the police.
    Henry: Deena, the police are recording this phone call.
    Deena: I bet they are, 'cause what I wanna to do you is against the law.
  • Walt finds out that his daughter Cady has been working at the Red Pony parttime, and he doesn't seem happy about it. But shortly afterwards, Cady finds out that a "hot guy" at a certain table was a potential hitman. The smile on Walt's face when he says "Yeah. These are the kind of people you come across when you work in a bar" is just has such a smartass Take That! to it, given the context.
"A Good Death is Hard to Find"
  • When Walt tells Branch that they're going to go see Lucian, the look on Branch's face clearly says "Let's not".
  • The cowboy's "poetry" when Walt enters the Red Pony.
    "The ideal woman is like a good cowboy stew-
    Meaty and saucy and easy to chew.
    Her spuds should be yummy without being gummy
    And her scent should never turn your face blue."
  • And then, following that, Henry and Lucian's reactions.
    Walt: Lucian, we need to talk.
    Lucian: (Grinning) Good, 'cause this here boy's a few iambs short of a full pentameter anyway.
    Walt: (To Henry) Can we use your office?
    Henry: (Flatly, as he pours a great deal of alcohol into his own glass) And miss all this?
"Ashes to Ashes"
  • Walt and Henry are robbing a grave in Denver when the local authorities show up. Walt pretends to be apprehending Henry, when one of the locals notices an inconsistency:
    Cop: Why does he have two shovels?
    Walt: I just asked this smart-ass the same question. Know what he said?
    Cop: No.
    Walt: (to Henry) Tell him what you said.
"Down by the River"
  • After Henry has wrestled Walt's rifle away from him and convinced Walt that killing Nighthorse, who is arriving in a small plane, won't fix anything:
    Nighthorse: So, what are you two doing here?
    Walt: (beat) Customs. Anything to declare?
    Nighthorse: Nope.
    Henry: OK, then. Our work here is done.
"Highway Robbery"
  • Walt has stammered his way badly through an attempt to apologize for accusing Donna of dealing drugs:
    Donna: Okay. Thank you, Sheriff.
    (Walt doesn't leave.)
    Donna: Do you want an apology receipt or something?
"The Eagle and the Osprey"
  • To Walt, who is dragging his half-dead body on a sledge across country to get back to his truck:
    Henry: Are we there yet?
  • and shortly, after Walt is bitten by a snake:
    Henry: [who is not just on the sledge, but in fact more or less tied to it] I need to get you to a hospital.
"Running Eagle Challenge"
  • To Vic, outlining his opinion of talking therapy, but possibly also life in general:
    Walt: Trust me, talking isn't for everyone.

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